Tag Archives: music messages

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Dream: Having a Stroke

Well it’s 1-11-11! Anyone feel a difference from yesterday? Honestly, today feels about the same to me as yesterday. 🙂 Maybe I am flat on the energy shifts now because others are relaying they feel a lot more than I do.

Things have been weird, though. Firstly, last night I woke up more times than I can count. It seemed like every 2 hours or so. Second, this morning was another one of those mornings where I seemed overly open to the messages coming from other dimensions. Getting ahead of myself, though.

Dream: Having a Stroke

The dream began with me being taken on board this craft. I had been selected, along with a handful of others, to be a passenger on a craft whose destination was never made clear. I remember the moon being discussed but I don’t think this was our destination.

My first impression of the craft was that it was smaller than I had imagine. It had domed ceilings and walls creating a circular feel despite the floors being level. The walls were white except for a few black, circular areas that seems to be instrument panels or shuttered windows. I don’t know what material it was made out of but the walls were paneled reminding me of the inside of an airplane but much more sophisticated. The floors were also white. I remember seeing dark grating along the center.

As I donned my space suit, which was all white and made of a very light material, I remember seeing the other passengers getting strapped into their seats. We had to secure our things and my main focus was on putting a flat, picture-like object into a secure place beneath my seat. I know we spoke to one another but I can’t recall conversations at this point in the dream. The feeling (like a summary) is that it was a rarity to be invited on these trips into space. Only individuals meeting specific requirements were invited and very rarely did anyone turn down an invitation.

While we were in transit we were awake and aware of everything that happened. I remember breathing into a tissue because I had coughed and noticed a fine, colored mist coming out of my mouth. I used the tissue to check and sure enough a yellow color appeared after I breathed onto it.

Thinking something must be wrong I informed one of the attendants, a woman with short, brown hair. She had a medical and scientific background, though her exact title eludes me. She took me to the side and looked at the tissue. She said, “That is because you are about to have a stroke. All of you will eventually have one.”

Alarmed, I went to the other passengers and told them what I had just learned. They listened and believed me but none had the same symptoms as I did.

I sat back down awaiting my fate and not knowing what to expect. Would I die? Or would I just pass out?

Time passed and I lost awareness in the dream for a bit. The next thing I recall is the medical attendant taking me by force into another room. She was holding me down and attempting to put a yellow liquid into my mouth. Panicked, I struggled but could not get my bearings. She had put a black blindfold over my eyes.

I remember knowing she was putting this liquid into my mouth to induce a stroke. She wanted to see how my body would respond. It was like she was conducting an experiment on me. I remember thinking I had been lied to and conned into thinking the trip was a privilege.

Eventually, still blindfolded and unable to counter the strength of my attacker, I gave in and opened my mouth wide to let her drop in the contents of the dropper she was holding. The odd thing here is that I saw myself from outside myself at this time. I did not look like I do in waking life. My hair was blonde but cut short like a mans. The suit I was wearing was white with black markings on the chest area. It reminded me of what a person would wear who is about to parachute out of a plane.

I was laying on a medical type bed made out shiny metal in a room that resembled a lab. The room was curved like the rest of the ship but it had a counter and various medical instruments inside (well I assume they were medical).

My fate sealed (or so I thought), I laid there, body limp, with the woman still holding me down. This is when another me appeared and we interacted – the me on the bed and the other me standing to my right. The me standing said something to me and the medical attendant. The attendant saw and heard this other me and was flabbergasted. She said, “Then there are more of you? How many more?!”

The me observing laughed and said, “Yes, but just this one – me.” Then she spoke to me as if we were old friends and the whole situation was just an interesting event and nothing to be concerned about. She said to me, “Relax. You will be okay….” There was more said but the dream gets fuzzy here. I felt what was being conveyed to me. I believe she told me that yes, I would have stroke. Then she told me what to expect and how to handle it.

Messages

I woke up hearing, “Ischemic stroke.” You can imagine my reaction. lol Not only was I the person that was attacked in the dream but I was also the other me passing along the information. I felt like BOTH and the information about the stroke was familiar. It felt like I was being warned.

Some background on this: When I first began taking BC again, I did some research because previously BC had given me crazy, scary migraines, the kind where when I tried to talk, gibberish came out of my mouth (yeah scary). I was concerned for my health but research indicated it was unlikely I would have any issues so I opted to try the BC for a short period of time and then go off it if I didn’t notice any difference in my acne and menstrual cycle (PMS, length, etc).

Well, besides migraines, one of the other risks of taking BC at my age (older than 37) is blood clots – ischemic stroke. Yeah. Ha! So of course I thought I had made up this dream even though I have not thought of the side-effects of BC in months.

As soon as this thought crossed my mind I heard a voice very loudly say, “Dayna!” Only the name used was my legal name. It was a deep, masculine voice that seemed to come from under my right ear which was resting against my pillow.

I mentally yelled back, “Don’t do that!” lol

The dream and all that went with it was surging through my mind like a river, it was impossible to stop it. It was like my brain was on rewind over and over. Somehow, though, I must have fallen into the in-between or maybe I was just tuned in because I kept getting flashes of images and messages. I didn’t feel out of control or worried but just flowed with it. I am so use to this kinda thing now.

The gaps in my dream memory were filling in. I don’t know if it was with actual dream images/memory or additional information. For example, I saw a plant with very orange flowers on it. The flowers were about an inch wide with tiny petals. When I saw it I thought “second chakra”.

I kept being reminded of October, 2017. The month would be written in my vision. I don’t know why exactly but the date kept repeating. I believe that is when I started taking antibiotics.

I also heard again, “Don’t give up.”

Along with all that was going through my mind I heard another song, just a tiny piece of it: “…….It’s a long time coming.”

 

I don’t really know the song but have heard it a few times. When I listen and watch this video, though, I can’t help but think the message has to do with me going Home. The “Home at last” part in this video gave me a physical reaction.

Of course I had to research ischemic strokes because I really don’t know much about them. While I was Googling for more information I remember wondering this morning if it was possible that my heart palpitations could be related to stroke. The first site I visited produce this little tidbit of information:

A second important cause of embolism is an irregular heartbeat, known as atrial fibrillation. It creates conditions where clots can form in the heart, dislodge and travel to the brain.

Right. Okay. So what do I do with this information? Freak out and stop taking BC? Go to the doctor and run tests and freak out some more?

Nope. I continue as I am. Why? Because I don’t care if I have a stroke which means I won’t have one. And if I do have one, so what.

I know, I’m crazy to not care, but I’ve been asking to go Home for….ever? I’ve never gotten what I’ve asked for. Why would that happen now? Nah, I am doomed to continue living and experiencing until I actually LOVE life. That’s when I’ll go Home. Isn’t that how it always happens? When you want out, you stay. When you want to stay, you get out. lol

Still, I prefer not to have traumatic-like dreams (I wasn’t really scared so won’t call it a nightmare) and then wake to “ischemic stroke” and someone yelling my name.

Edit: Ugh! Just realized if I had been continuing the 12 days of dreams in January prediction thingamajig then this dream would correspond to October, 2018. Thus, the image of “October” I kept getting flashing through my head. Duh.

Also, I just remembered that I also got a message letting me know I had plenty of time still. Can’t recall the actually wording but I think it was, “Still time” or “There’s time”.

 

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Dream: WOD & OBE: What Nourishes My Soul?

My middle child has been sick since Sunday. He missed the first day back to school and is home today as well. His symptoms are bad headache and low grade fever of around 100.3°. Yesterday he was well enough in the morning to go shopping with me so I thought he was recovering. Sadly, by evening he was complaining again but could not describe what was hurting him. He fell asleep around 5pm and slept until this morning waking occasionally in a delirium and talking nonsense. This morning he says he feels better. When I told him he once said he thought he was dying he said, “Yeah, I was worried I would have a headache forever.” We suspect he has the flu. 😦

His birthday is Friday. I sure hope he is fully recovered by then.

In thinking of his birthday story (I went into labor with him on 1-11-11 but he was born at just after midnight) I realized tomorrow is yet another version of 1-11-11 only instead of 1-11-2011 it will be 1-11 and then 2+0+1+8 = 11. It will be exactly 7 years from when I was in labor. Pretty cool! I wonder if anything significant is going to happen? Hmmm

BTW, the 1111 number continues to follow me as if reminding me my journey is not over.

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January 8th, pre-workout. Strapped on my watch and this was the time. 🙂

Updates and Plans

Since I have written in a while on what is going on with me I figured I would do a little update.

I completed my online NASM course on Monday. My next step is to get First Aid/CPR certified and then take the NASM certification exam. Once I pass the exam I will be a certified personal trainer and can get a job. My plan is to do an 8 week internship at a local gym first via the program I enrolled in. After completing the internship I am guaranteed a job.

My motivation regarding this new career path is on-again-off-again. Some days I think it will be a good thing and other days I just want to drop it completely. It is hard for me to see myself doing anything in the workaday world right now. It is good that I paid so much for the program because it is the money that is making me keep at it. I hate to spend money and then not at least experience the end results of my efforts. Follow through and give it a chance, right?

I am still running and lifting weights and doing my fitness thang. lol I run three days a week and lift weights three days a week, neither on the same days. I found that separating the running and lifting was better for me. My body wasn’t tolerating that routine well. Honestly, I don’t think anyone’s body would tolerate a schedule like that long! I’ve maintained my weight and body fat and will continue to maintain it until I get bored. Ha!

The heart palpitations continue. Not sure exactly why but they are a daily occurrence. When they happen I feel it in my throat, which is odd. If I take my pulse I can feel my pulse rate slow and then catch up within a few seconds. I suspect the BC might be partly to blame but I am giving the BC at least 6 months. Thus far my acne has remained under control. I stopped taking the antibiotics three weeks ago.

Speaking of antibiotics, I think they have messed with my gut flora so I am going to revisit the GAPS diet to return the balance. I won’t be going full-out with the diet but using some of the components such as the broth, probiotics, yogurt/kefir (yuck) and lots of veggies. It will mean no non-fermented dairy and gluten-free for a time but that won’t be an issue. I am also  toying with the idea of making my own yogurt. It sounds like a healthy and fun project. I haven’t started the diet just yet, need to review the book, but I am looking forward to relieving some of the side-effects of taking antibiotics for so long. Interestingly, the last time I did the GAPS diet was in January 2015 right after taking a round of antibiotics for exactly the same acne issue!

Someone asked about Monty not long ago so will update on him. He is doing well. He weighed 12.5lbs at his 14 week checkup. He is potty trained (yay!) though still has occasional accidents here and here. We recently leash trained him and he does well on a leash, already indicating he will be an excellent running partner in the future.

Dream: WOD

I was taken to a mountain town with a group of people. We walked up steep trails to a house that was in pretty bad shape. There was an interaction inside with a man who was using the house as part of his work. I soon realized my group were my coworkers and we were being introduced to a new part of our job.

After much discussion someone mentioned how the city was growing fast and asked if I wanted to work there. I was hesitant and they said, “We will pay all costs of relocating. You will have your own house and all expenses will be paid.”  Still reluctant, I looked out the window and saw miles of pig farms (overindulgence, gluttony). I said, “I don’t think so. I couldn’t live in such filth.” I somehow knew the growth of the city relied upon pig farming.

They referred to the city as WOG but for some reason I called it WOD. In the dream these names meant nothing but upon waking I knew both well. Wog is a term used in Scientology that refers to non-Scientologists. A wog is a “common, everyday garden-variety humanoid … He ‘is’ a body. [He] doesn’t know he’s there, etc. He isn’t there as a spirit at all.” WOD is a cross-fit term that means “Workout of the Day”. Both terms make sense in the context of this dream. Wog indicates that I saw the groups of people I would be working with as unawakened. The pigs and shit they wallowed in indicate the state of the unawakened in the world. WOD indicates that I saw working with wog’s as part of my job (work-of-the-day) – just an everyday thing.

Eventually I was introduced to other coworkers who had relocated to the city. They were all having a party with the locals and pizza was ordered. I remember staying with a man inside the house. He showed me how to clean up the feces (materialism, possessions, pride, aggression) that was in abundance. I think he did this to try and convince me that all hope was not lost. The visuals are pretty gross. He showed me a huge barrel full of human feces. Then showed me how to contain it. I unpacked a box and carefully kept the contents, a bunch of kitchen materials, separated from the contaminated stuff. There was a small, plastic container in the box for the feces and it was explained that once contained the amount would never be more than the size of the container.

Then I was introduced to a man with blonde hair and was told he was “our brother”. He was young, maybe 20-something, and very attractive. I looked to the man who had been teaching me, who I also knew was my brother, and said, “How is he my brother?” It was explained to me that we had the same father but I believe that is how my human mind interpreted because the explanation if very muddled in my memory. I recall looking around the room at all the others and thinking they were all my “brothers” and my family was really big.

Then I met a woman whose name was “Joy” but she was the complete opposite. I laughed and called her by her name and she got nasty with me. I knew I had made an enemy of her. I didn’t care, I was trying to lighten the mood because she was overly serious.

She stayed there with us as we prepared to go to the party outside. The weather had warmed substantially. Usually it was freezing but that day it was in the 60’s. I opted not to wear shorts even though most others were.

We went to the party and I was surprised to find that the celebration consisted of everyone driving go karts (ability to navigate life’s twists and turns) around a circular dirt track. There was a quick demo on how to use them and I was fascinated that a work party would involved something so fun. I watched as “Joy” stepped up to a go kart. Her response to me was the complete opposite of before. She greeted me like an old friend and told a woman next to me she was grateful to have met me, that I had helped her by something I told her. The woman told me and I said, “I don’t remember saying that to her.” It didn’t matter, though, Joy was now full of….joy. lol

OBE: What Nourishes My Soul?

I woke at around 6am with the dream on my mind. While going over it in my mind I must have drifted into the in-between because the next thing I recall is sitting at my computer with my children to my right. I saw the screen clearly. At first I was viewing FB. Something wasn’t quite right, though. It showed that I had no friends and I got a message that said, “Add friends”. Confused, I figured there must be a glitch with FB. I shifted to my website and noticed the format had changed. I could not see my followers and suddenly became aware that I had none.

As I looked over my website my screen went gray and a tiny message was written in the center. At first I thought I got an email from someone I hadn’t heard from in a while but turns out it was a message that someone had reblogged one of my posts.

The gray screen with the message in the center made me aware of vibrations. I could feel them and my physical body very distinctly. I could feel my heart doing weird things and the vibrations were similar to a feeling of restlessness. I knew I was dreaming and knew that the vibrations meant I could shift OOB but I was not 100% certain. I began to sway back and forth to see if I could feel the shift. It just felt like swaying, though. Still curious I opted to just leave my body and see what would happen.

So I turned to my left and stood up from my seated position. I disconnected and moved easily toward the window. On the way to the window I took off a pair of black sunglasses (not wanting to be seen, not wanting to see something, darkened vision) but my vision was not an issue. I could see clearly and vividly the window and white blinds in front of me. I unlocked the window and pulled it up. Then I went through the window to the porch roof. As I steadied myself I thought, “I don’t want to do the same thing I always do.” Then I said aloud, “I want to know what nourishes my soul.” I said this as I looked up at a brilliant night sky. In the center was a glowing full moon.

I stood there staring at the moon for a bit and thinking my intention again: “Show me what nourishes my soul.” Then I thought to myself, “Why am I asking that question?” lol And then I thought, “Now what do I do? Do I just wait for an answer?” With that thought I could feel the scene destabilize. I did not fight it because I was confused as to why I asked such a question. Where did it come from? Weird!

As I returned to my body I knew the answer: Love. I thought, “Duh! I know that!” lol

Lingering in the remaining vibrations, part of a song came to mind: “Two strangers in the [dark night] bright lights….” I messed up the lyrics and thought “dark night”. Here is the song:

Surprised that I even went OOB, I was unable to return to sleep and just lingered with the song going though my mind while I mulled over my dream. I remember thinking about nourishing my soul with love. It made me feel a bit sad and I began to feel depressed over the whole idea of living the rest of my life hungry….starving even.

In response to my growing despair at ever finding the nourishment I need, I heard, “Don’t give up.”

Considerations

I had not expected to have such a revealing dream after yesterday’s decision to not fall victim to over-analyzing dream content. The dream says a lot about my path, my concerns and considerations regarding my path/life.

Meeting my “brother” and then knowing I had many, many “brothers” was interesting as well. It feels like my human self is trying to make sense of the connection I have with others. In the dream it felt like “brother” was a relative very similar to a half-brother or sister. The same “father”, which if you think about it, indicates that everyone in this world is our Spirit sibling. We all come from the same father-God-One-Source.

I am obviously struggling with the wogs – unawakened – here on Earth, and how they are caught up in materialism, over-indulgence and selfishness. It is akin to the world being covered in pig shit. LOL It is made clear to me that they (my family, the human race) wants me to “relocate” and do my job (meaning get my ass into gear doing my Earth work instead of hiding from it). My job seems to be taking the “shit”, cleaning it up and containing it. Ha!

It is dreams like this one that I wish I could remember what was actually being said rather than bringing back just symbolism. The feeling is there but it does not completely compute. There is still the question, “So I am here to help, but HOW?” Cleaning up pig shit I guess. LOL

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January 8 Dream & Decision

The month of August is usually an uneventful month in terms of spiritual experiences. Based upon my dreams last night, August 2018 looks like it will be no different.

Early in the night I had several false awakenings. Each time I would wake up in my room to find everything was in the wrong place or there were barriers to my movement. I often felt confused and disoriented and this would eventually wake me up for real. The false awakenings felt entirely real and when I woke up in my body I would be so tired I would pass out again right into another false awakening. The main confusion about the false awakenings was my inability to determine direction. It was as if my internal compass needed recalibration.

Dream: Out of Place

I found myself sitting in a classroom (life lessons). Every other student in the classroom was male and significantly younger than me. They were whispering and staring at me, giving me looks that suggested they felt threatened by my being there. I ignored them and focused on listening to music and passing the time. I recall seeing a screen in front of me that had images that went along with music (indicates a message is coming about my life). Some of the music was upbeat and unfamiliar. I remember another student looking at me and I made a comment about the music. He ignored me and turned away.

At one point a song came on that I knew well. I sang along, singing every word and thoroughly enjoying myself. It was a song I use to sing years ago. My ex-husband said it was “our song”, though I never identified with it as such. This is the song:

The singing of this song is one of the most vivid parts of the dream, especially the line, “Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain but I’d of had to miss the dance.”

The symbolism here suggests a message was coming through. In the dream I recognized the message to be that it is better to not know what is to come; to let life surprise me. Otherwise I may miss out on some of the best moments. I felt grateful for “the dance” I got to dance even if it was short and brought me pain.

After the song the teacher dismissed the class. When I looked up everyone had left and I was sitting all alone in the room. The teacher was looking at me and I said to her, “I guess they were in a hurry.” The whole time there was a sense that no one liked me or wanted me there, almost as if I were an intruder. There was an inner voice/Knowing that kept saying, “It doesn’t matter, focus on what feels right.” The Knowing kept me from caring what the others felt and thought of me. It existed beside the part of me that did care what others thought but was strong enough to override the concerns.

This part of the dream is indicating that I have learned to listen to my heart/HS and ignore the self-doubt and need for acceptance that stems from my Ego.

I felt a bit drugged (not wanting to confront something) and out of it as I walked down the hallway to my next class. Only I had no idea what my next class was. I went into a Science class and looked out over the desks and seated students. Everyone looked up at me and then went back to their business. I didn’t recognize the room. The desk layout seemed wrong and I couldn’t find my desk. Not know what to do, I stood at the back for a while holding my things. Some students looked at me and whispered. Some gave me irritated looks. I again felt to be out of place but I couldn’t remember where I was suppose to be.

I went to the front of the room and opened a door behind the teacher’s desk. There was a wall behind it. I felt silly and embarrassed for opening a false door (relates to a false path in waking life). The students’ eyes felt to be piecing my back. I went to another door and looked out of it at another class down the hall. Was I suppose to be in math class? I didn’t know (unsure of my path).

I turned around, took a vacant seat and opened my computer. Everyone in class had their computers open and we were all playing the same video (following the crowd/blending in). My computer (lack of individuality) was not functioning correctly and I eventually closed it. I remember the teacher commenting on my glasses. I looked at them and there was a huge crack (impaired vision) in the left (subconscious/ repressed emotions and thoughts) lens. I took it off and made an excuse, saying I knew about the crack. I mentioned that I could just wear my contacts and then said it would be better to wear my old glasses because the prescription in my right eye (conscious reality) had changed. I put on the cracked glasses and said that they were okay for the time being because the crack was below my line of sight (choosing to ignore subconscious).

The scene shifted and I was in a park outside the school with two others. One was setting up their laptop with a huge antenna (communication with surroundings). They were whispering about being within a mile of school to remain undetected. There was someone tracking them/us.

When the computer was connecting both students vanished, leaving me there alone. I remember taking control of the computer with my mind and disconnecting it from the wireless network. I knew I had to do it quickly before the signal was detected.

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When I finished the students suddenly reappeared. I handed the laptop to the owner and said, “We need to get out of here, fast. They will be here any minute.” I took off in a different direction then the two students.

I ran behind a dumpster (trying to rid self of negative habits) and saw a suspicious car pull up in the street. A man holding an machine gun (need to keep my temper in check) climbed out. Then a woman climbed out behind him. I jumped into the dumpster, hiding under the lid and some large cardboard.

Suddenly there were people around the dumpster, so close I could see the details of their faces. No one saw me, though, and eventually they left. At one point I heard noise again and some little kids were pointing at me. Knowing I was safe I climbed out and went with the kids into the school.

Inside we were regrouping and a line of kids and parents came to the door for food. A man requested graham crackers (caring for others before self) for his little boy. There were none and as he turned away I pulled one out of my bag and gave it to him. He was grateful.

I went into a classroom (life lessons), only this time I felt to belong. There was a tall guy sitting at a cluster of computers. Behind him were temporary, black walls to block the view to his screens. I sat down next to him and grabbed his hand. I said to him, “Thank you for helping me.” We held hands for a long time. I remember feeling his hand as if we were in the physical. I looked at him and did not recognize him. He was very tall and thin, sort of nerdy with glasses and a prominent nose. I felt relieved sitting there with him; safe.

Considerations and Decisions

When I woke up the first thing I remembered was the song I sang and it’s message. I was reminded that without risk of pain one forgoes the potential for the positive experiences. Like the song says, life is better left to chance. We can avoid the pain but then we would miss all the joy and experience of the “dance”.

I felt that it was time to stop documenting my dreams for 2018 in an attempt to discover what the year may hold. Trying to look ahead is probably not good for me. Already I am feeling like 2018 is not going to be a good year. It may even be a painful year. This creates a resistance to what lies ahead and could keep me from enjoying the many possibilities to “dance”.

My thoughts went to the song and how my ex always said it was “our song”. I never felt this to be true yet in the end, for him anyway, the song was fitting. I said goodbye and broke his heart. Had he known what the future held for us, would he have even gotten involved with me? Probably not, but who knows. I knew and I still did. So in my case, even knowing my own future doesn’t seem to keep me from following a particular path.

I couldn’t help but think of the intense heart connection I experienced and how it changed me. I again questioned it, asking, “WHY!???”, because it still confuses the heck out of me. How can something feel so absolutely right yet end up hurting so much? The song rings true for that experience. Had I known the final outcome I would have avoided taking that path. But then I would never have had the amazing experiences that went with it. I should feel grateful for the experience regardless, to have been touched by something so rare is a blessing. But I still struggle to see it that way. I still struggle. Still. Ugh.

As I lingered in bed I heard from my guides, “You will love again.” I said, “I don’t want to.” They responded with, “Yes you do.” I couldn’t argue. They are right. I do long to love like that again but it scares the crap out of me because to love that much means to open myself up to more debilitating pain. But then that is the point of living in this physical reality where duality rules. That is why it is so exhilarating.

So, no more documenting of dreams for the purpose of seeing into 2018. I am sure it will be an interesting year of up’s and down’s, just like every other year. And who knows, maybe I will be pleasantly surprised or even be blown away? Yes, please.

 

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January 6 Dreams

Halfway through 12 days of dream journaling. Not feeling especially convinced that my dreams are a reflection of the coming 12 months. But then who knows? If they are, thus far May seems to be a humdinger and June not much better.

I’ve been sleeping really well at least. Deep, restful sleep that makes me want to linger in bed, warm and cozy, dozing on and off for as long as possible. This morning I wished I could sleep forever.

Dream: Tall Grass

Much of this dream is hazy but I recall enough of it to recount it. I remember driving through an unfamiliar city and going into a restaurant. My children were on my mind and so I ordered takeout for them on my way out because I knew when I got home they would be hungry. I ordered three hot dogs (masculinity and sexual energy) and remember they were just tossed together in a bag so that the wieners and buns were separated (disconnect with masculine side or sexuality).

Then I was in the car (life path). My husband was driving (husband in control) and we to go pick up my daughter. I protested saying we needed to pick up our other child and it made more sense to go get him now since we were closer. He argued a bit and then ignored me so I gave up trying to convince him otherwise, accepting that we would be late. The road ahead was dark and seemed long and unfamiliar (venturing into unknown, fear, apprehension).

The dream shifted again and I was walking with a group of people. I think my mom and step-father were with me. We walked past an old man who was obviously a bit senile (waste of ability) because he was jabbering to himself. Concerned that he may be lost I retrieved him and brought him with us as we walked. My mom questioned me about this and I said it was the right thing to do. She didn’t object.

We walked for a while, me alongside the old man. He appeared to be getting better. He was acknowledging my kindness, thanking me and talking about bible study. I remember my mom and step-father interrupting because of a specific course they were signed up for. The old man said the $50 course was worthless because the men who taught it no longer went to their church. It was $50 down the drain. My mom mentioned that they might as well tear up their course packets.

By this time we had made it to a vast field of very green, neck high grass (protection). It was grass unlike any I had ever seen. I waded through it, unable to see ahead of me because the grass was too tall, and worried of what I might be stepping on/in because I couldn’t see the ground either. The old man was ahead of me and I heard him caution me about stopping. He said if anyone stopped for too long then their face and jawline would be covered in biting gnats (nagging or annoying issues) that caused severe pain. I remember seeing a visual in my mind of a bird-like jawline being attacked by tiny gnats. It didn’t look painful but I didn’t want to find out so I kept moving but never made it out of the grass because I woke up.

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Dream: Singing Our Song

This dream began in the living area of my grandparent’s underground house. I was standing in front of a man I recognized but memory of his face is hazy now. We were having a heart-to-heart, catching up and expressing our feelings about our shared situation. My memory of our interaction is hazy. I mainly recall him by his energy.

The part of our conversation that is clear to me is him saying to me, “I’m sorry, but I can’t wait for you anymore.” I could feel his emotion and knew he was genuine in his apology. The feeling from him was that it was unfair for him to wait around, stalling his life and happiness, until I could figure things out. Not realizing he was doing this I immediately felt awful for holding him back. That was never my intention.

He continued to apologize, specifically for causing me pain. I can’t recall his exact words but it was something like, “If I had known I was hurting you I would have let you be.” The feeling from him was that he had been wracked with guilt over our situation. I understood all to well – “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” Or as my guides pointed out to me at one point, “Quite a conundrum you have.” Yeah and that’s an understatement.

I could feel the emotion behind his words. I could not deny the pain I experienced but I did not blame him. I saw the pain as a part of the process; unavoidable considering the circumstances and necessary to the process.

I went up to him, caressed his cheek and said, “It was worth it. And I would do it over and over again.” With my words I communicated much more. My memory here is of how it felt in that moment. I wanted him to know that the love I had/have for him was well worth every.single painful moment. I also let him know that it was okay for him to move on. He didn’t have to wait for me. I didn’t want him to wait for me. I wanted him to be happy.

It felt like goodbye but I knew it wasn’t. It was merely that we had different “courses” (“we have different courses” is what I remember saying in the dream at one point).

There was so much more going on behind the dream it is mind boggling! I saw a chart of some kind, similar to a timeline, like a life path or (haha) “course”. There were rectangular boxes indicating moments along this line of varying widths and heights. There were two boxes that were double, maybe triple, the size of the other boxes. These represented our time together. Beyond the two boxes the sizes again shrunk, indicating a divergence.

What is interesting is the way I experienced the emotion of our communication. Though we were talking in words we were also singing the most beautiful duet I have ever heard. I heard a melody and words but they are lost to my memory now. However, what I do remember about the song we sang was that it made the entire space we occupied vibrate. Not only could I feel it but I could also hear it. It was in the background throughout our conversation and sounded like a million cicadas only louder and much faster. I have heard the sound before in dreams and OBEs and it is always awe inspiring. There is a color with it, too: Gold.

The feeling that remains even now is just how much I enjoyed singing our song, especially singing it with him. There is nothing more beautiful to me.

As he was leaving I felt a twinge of sadness. I saw a glimpse of a woman sitting in a pick-up and thought he must have found someone. I was grateful he would no longer be alone but I envied the woman.

Alone, I kept singing our song. In fact, I sang it for the rest of the dream. It reminds me of a pair of songbirds. Together they sing their song. It is unique to only them. When separated they sing it alone so that the other can always hear and find their way back. That is what it felt like I was doing in the dream.

I walked to the kitchen area of my grandparent’s house and was greeted by my grandmother (feminine aspect). She was very gentle with me as she guided me into a bedroom (private self), the bedroom my grandfather (masculine aspect) occupied in life. The bed was unmade (secrets exposed), as if someone had been sleeping in it. She instructed me to rest, though I never heard words. It felt like she was taking care of me, just like she did in life. I remember seeing others in the kitchen sitting at the table. It was “family” and they were waiting for me. I only recall a tall man whose energy felt a whole lot like my grandfather’s.

I got into the bed (since it is not my bed it represent consequences of my actions) and my grandmother put the covers over me. And then I slept (peace of mind). It was so nice, so peaceful, warm and safe. I wanted to stay forever.

Then I became aware of needing to “wake up”. I knew it was time to get out of bed. It felt like it was 7am, or at least the number 7 was prominent. My grandmother was encouraging me, her voice soft but firm, saying, “It’s time to get up now. It’s time to get up.” The feeling was that I had an appointment to go to, or at least somewhere to go.

I sat up on the right side of the bed and thought, “This was my Granddaddy’s bed.” I remember thinking about how in waking life the thought of sleeping in his old bed and in his old room made me shudder. It felt wrong. Yet here I was waking up in his old room and in his old bed!

Eventually I got up. My grandmother immediately began to make the bed (security). I helped her. Normally I wouldn’t have helped but in the dream I was honored to help her, remembering how she generously devoted her life to helping others, especially her family. Side by side we made the bed……. And I was still singing.

Note: The bed part of this dreams seems to go along with the saying, “You’ve made your bed now lie in it.” The fact that I am in my grandparents house, grandfather’s bed, indicates that I need to confront family issues specifically and many relate to the masculine.

Music Message

When I awoke I was sad. It felt like the dream was indicating a goodbye. It felt so final and I grieved, though not as intensely as I have in the past. It’s as if my pain and grief is all used up. A well run dry from overuse.

A song was going through my mind, specifically the part, “Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Players only love you when they’re playing. Women, they will come and they will go. When the rain washes you clean you’ll know.”

I didn’t understand the song when I heard it but now I think I do. Everything is temporary in this life. Change is the only constant. The last two lines are what I think the message sender wanted me to know, especially “when the rain washes you clean you’ll know.”

It really is all about timing and readiness. And when the time is right and am I ready, I will know.

 

 

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January 5 Dream and Message

Before I get into the dream/message I want to relay to you some things that happened yesterday.

At some point mid-day yesterday I received the message “Challenges” out of the blue while reading some random post online. The word was in the background but appeared to “pop” out at me. I tried to shrug it off but there was a strange feeling that followed me the rest of the day seeming to remind me of the message.

For over a week I’ve had strange heart fluttering/palpitations that come and go. Well yesterday the fluttering in my heart was happening more than usual. For example, in about 45 minutes I had at least three incidences. They don’t last long or make me dizzy or anything, but I usually only get them as I am falling asleep. These happened while I was sitting and watching T.V.

The message “challenges” came to mind every time I felt my heart doing weird things. I knew it was likely nothing but that I should go to the doctor just to make sure. I won’t go to a doctor, though, because if it is what my mom has then they will put me on beta-blockers. I won’t take that kind of life-long medication if they prescribe it. Nope. Could health be one one of my challenges this year? Maybe.

My decision made, I still felt the heart flutters on and off until bedtime but ignored them. The feeling hung around like a heavy blanket. It was really irritating and got more intense as the night neared.

I noticed a strange “coincidence” that evening as well. If you read yesterday’s dream post then you know I had discussed my husband being a plumber. It likely was bleed-through from a couple of days ago when I noticed our garbage disposal was leaking. Since my husband was away camping he opted to fix the issue last night. I told him to not replace the disposal (I rarely if ever used it) but put in a regular drain instead. He did this despite him wanting to get a new disposal.

The disposal had leaked water all over the base of the cabinet. The old house owners had put down 2×4’s to repair previous water damage and those boards were completely warped. So, I suggested we replace them. When my husband removed the boards he was greeted with this:

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He said it was a cesspool under the boards. I had actually assumed this based up the poor workmanship of the previous owner. He always half-assed all the repairs and this one was no different. Covering up wet, rotting wood is never a good idea. My husband said it was full of dead and live bugs of all kinds and smelled horrific.

This odd “coincidence” seemed like a message to me. What exactly the message is, I’m not yet sure but it can’t be a positive one. If this has been under our kitchen sink since we moved in we could have been exposed to all sorts of nasty stuff for nearly 4 years. Ahhh!

Dream: Orientation

I know I woke up crying in the middle of the night again, but I don’t know why. There was dream recall at the time and I took a mental note, but the memory did not stick. I remember a suggestion from my guides last Fall about keeping a notebook handy. I should have listened. My dream recall has sucked lately.

The last dream of the night was vivid, though. In it I was walking down familiar school hallways. It was the first public school I had ever worked at and I was walking down memory lane in the dream looking for my old classroom. When I located it I noted it was across the hall from my first boyfriend post divorce. The dream scene was replaced with a raging river scene (ready to confront life’s challenges). It was as if the hallway turned into the river. Then the scene disappeared and I was once again walking the hall and locating my old classroom.

I walked into a classroom that was not my old room. Inside a woman was waiting for me. I recognized her and greeted her warmly, hugging her tightly. I remember her with dark hair but her appearance shifted between a black woman and a white woman. I think I may have been seeing both her appearances – the one she takes in Spirit and the one of her human self.

She mentioned she was now in HR and had only the one job rather than juggling several. She was much happier. I was pleased to hear this. Her job with me was to orient me on my new job. I told her that I was surprised they had chosen me for the position but was happy they had. The position was obviously counselor.

We were interrupted by a group of young girls. They asked me to help them determine whether a test question required a paragraph answer or not. I spent some time going over it with them, explaining how they could decipher questions and feeling I had a good handle on the situation. I recall that the questions were all math (logic) questions and eventually handed them a printout of the steps they needed to follow.

When they left the room me and the woman continued our conversation. I don’t remember the specifics but there is memory of us discussing a decision I had made early in my career. I had opted to stay in a job despite wanting to leave early on. This was/is my tendency because I get bored easily and want to “run” at the first sign of trouble. Thus, early on in my career I jumped from school to school about every 9 months to a year.

The woman congratulated me on staying with the same employer for 8 years. I remember thinking there was a lesson in it that I had learned and repeating that lesson to her. It was something like, “It is easy to run away from your problems, but if you stick it out you are sure to be rewarded for your efforts.” I was proud for sticking it out as long as I had and knew this new opportunity was with the same district I spent those 8 years at. It surprised me that I would take a job so far from my home. Was I really going to commute almost an hour one-way to work every day?

The woman had to go and left me with a number to reach her. She said, “You can reach me anytime at 4392.” I said, “What?” not understanding the 4 digits. She repeated it and then I repeated it to myself.

I walked toward the front office. A blonde woman stopped me and said, “Good to see you back. Will you be available today?” I said, “No but probably tomorrow.” She smiled and walked on. I felt welcomed and this in turned made me feel excited for the future.

As we headed down the hallway I ran into another past acquaintance. I called her name and she turned and smiled. She welcomed me but seemed overly preoccupied and busy. I could tell she was in a hurry. I walked with her down a corridor that headed toward a basement area.

In this basement was a arcade (look back on previous time when you found joy) full of games and kids playing them. I happily joined in as did my coworker. I remember seeing lights flashing on a skee ball type game. I tossed a ball into one of the openings. The lights flashing reminded me of the lights one sees when they hit jackpot (take a chance on life) on a slot machine.

I left and walked toward the office with my coworker. We ran into a tall black man and stopped to talk. I inquired about the other counselor and was told by the man, “She didn’t make it. It was too much for her.” I was sad to hear this news and mentioned that it was a surprise since she had spent 8 years preparing in some military-type training program.

When we got to the office I was awakened by my son who was awake way too early.

Messages from the In-Between

I was able to stay in bed but couldn’t sleep. The dream kept going through my head and messages kept coming in. The number 4392 was repeated to me at one point, waking me up. Another time I was reading the label on a pill bottle. I read aloud, “Sword fight.” With this came the image of a sword and I knew the message was that I needed to fight for what I wanted. This woke me up immediately but I fell back into the in-between quickly. Then I was discussing with someone the return to work and saw the number 56. I saw it as a salary but I am sure it was not that. I also kept seeing a calendar in my head with the month of May lit up.

Finally, the most obvious message was when I heard a masculine voice yell at me. He said, “Get out! I’m telling you, GET OUT!” This woke me straight away.

Since I had been getting so much communication from voices and odd visions I surrounded myself in light and put up protection just in case I was being bothered by Spirit that were not guides.

But the “Get out” message bothered me. Get out of what? My bed? I was reminded of the second memorable audible message I received from Spirit, one that woke me up from deep sleep (the first was “Hold on” when I was in the midst of a car accident). I heard, “GET OUT NOW”, twice. At that point in my life I saw it as a message from God and didn’t hesitate to get out of my situation (left Alaska within a week and eventually left my marriage).

Surely this message was not meant in the same way? Surely I was making it up somehow or Spirit was playing games with me.

But it was so audible. So in my face. Just like the first one. The only difference is I’ve had so many messages in the years since that first one, that they have become “normal”. I had no reaction other than to think immediately someone in Spirit was playing with me and so surround myself in protection. Shows how my experiences have shaped me. Shows how wary I have become over the years.

As I woke the same song was going through my head as yesterday morning, only this time it was, “My love (song says “life”) is brilliant, my love is true. I saw an angel, of that I’m sure….and I can’t wait to see you again….” Though the last part is different than the song lyrics.

I’m not sure what to make of the dream and messages. Is this what is going to happen in May this year? We’ll see I guess.

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Dreams, Family and Another…. ReUnion?

Wow. Busy night. And the first thing I saw this morning was this article about the new moon in Sagittarius being conjunct the Galactic Center. Apparently Saturn has been in a 2.5 year cycle that is coming to an end. Just so happens that my spiritual journey has been incredibly intense over the last 2.5 years. Yeah, yeah, I know have been commenting that I don’t believe spiritual this and that (astrology for one) is contributing to my experiences. Well, I will suck it up and say that I typically pay attention to astrology regardless of how grumpy I am about my current situation.

My night was an endless stream of dreams delving into some deep shit. I woke more than once in tears. One time I was sobbing to the point of heaving and I couldn’t breathe.

Dream: Keeping Myself Prisoner

This was the first dream of the night and I only recall the very last parts of it. It took place on a boat/ship and I recall walking on board the ship across a bridge-type structure. I was with another woman and my husband, the latter I never saw. The ship must have been a cruise ship or similar because we had a cabin. I took the woman to a cabin. She was very distraught and pleading with me as I locked her inside. She was telling me, “Don’t lock me in here! I can’t live apart from him (my husband)! Please! I beg you! It WILL KILL ME!” I ignored her pleas telling her that I knew very well how much she and my husband loved one another and I was going to make sure he never, ever saw her again. I then walked away. I could hear her cries as I woke from the dream.

The thing is that while in the dream I could feel this woman’s pain as if it were my own but I was cold and unfeeling toward her and her plight. I saw her as a hindrance to me. The feeling of heartache, as if the separation would literally kill me, was the strongest. It was an all-over-body feeling that cut to the core of me. Yet somehow I blocked it and hardened myself to her. The whole time I knew this woman was a part of me, a part I saw as weak and easily manipulated/controlled because of her emotional vulnerability. I envied her connection to my husband and because I did not understand it and could not have it for myself I kept them apart.

pondDream: Preparing for an Event

This dream took up most of the night. It began with me borrowing a car to run an errand. I was in an unfamiliar town and the car was very big and souped up. As I drove the car would shift up and down as if it were dancing. It was embarrassing to me but I continued toward the lake which was my destination.

When I arrived there were children (repressed desires/unfulfilled hopes) there who were begging me to give them money (success, progress) for their services. It reminded me of when I visited Honduras. I ignored the kids and went toward the lake and found the water completely covered in green algae (need to keep emotion out of some matter). I could not see below it’s surface (something hidden). As I went to leave I noticed a small area with many strange fish. I was going to catch some in a net to look closer but one jumped out at me. It looked like a catfish (someone who may not be who they appear to be) with a very tiny mouth. It repulsed me and I fell. As I scrambled to get up a large German Shepherd came at me growling and intending me harm (need to put my guard back up). I scrambled away quickly and was asked again by a kid for money. I reached into my pocket and found a chunk of wet dollar bills (attitude toward love and emotion) and handed them to him. He said they would not do because they had been ruined by the water (emotion).

Then I was inside my apartment and my brother was visiting. There were other woman with me. We were all friends. My brother was helping us and being very nice, offering to do things for us. At one point I discovered he liked a girl but wouldn’t call her so I offered to call her for him. He refused and became very withdrawn. I wondered how he could be so helpful but not accept any help from others. I decided not to help him and went to my bedroom. Inside I saw that someone else had been sleeping in the room. It appeared to be my dad because his stuff was near the bed. I saw ear plugs and figured he must have trouble sleeping like me. I also saw important papers and was curious so I looked through his things wanting to know more about him. It appeared he traveled quite a bit.

Then a woman came in with some things telling me she was there to help me get ready. She had a petticoat (modesty/conservative) and a dress for me to wear to some event. My dad would be there. I remember putting on a petticoat and corset (want to please others) and thinking the dress must be very fancy and the event an important one. I never did figure out what the event was but I kept thinking about my dad and how much I missed him.

Dream: I’ll Be Home for Christmas

I was part of a small church (things one holds sacred). We were going to sing for a church in need, one on the other side of town. I took the car and drove to the church. I had with me some children (aspect of self) and everyone had gotten the stomach flu and was struggling with awful diarrhea (emotional purging). I had the sick ones stay in the car and then went inside to sing with the choir.

I got in my place up front and began to sing with the group. I recognized some of the members – my mom and uncle to name two. We were singing, “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”. I didn’t remember the words but sang what I remembered. I sang the whole song and noticed others didn’t remember the words at certain times.

When the song was over I mentioned the quiet parts to my mom. She said it was because there wasn’t a good soprano to take the lead (which is usually what I do). Then she said that if her brother had been there he would have led them.

As soon as she said that my uncle came up to us both and apologized for something he had done earlier. He had forbidden the sick kids in my car from coming into the church. He told us he was wrong and hugged my mom. I was relieved and proud of him for admitting his wrong. As we walked out of the church I went up to my uncle and hugged him. I told him, “I wish Grandaddy was here. I miss him!” He said, “Me, too.” He hugged me back and I clung to him and began to sob uncontrollably. I missed my grandfather so much and I couldn’t control my grief. I cried in the dream for a long time before I finally woke up.

I continued to cry for a while after I woke. I mostly missed my grandfather but there was more to it. I saw family patterns that are still playing out. I remembered how before my grandfather died he and his son, my uncle, had been at odds and had a strained relationship. My uncle had made amends toward the end of my grandfather’s life. He visited and did much for both his parents before they died. I kept hearing in my mind, “You did good” and I knew this was a message to my uncle. I may send him an email about my dream and pass on the message.

Dream: Family Therapy

In this dream I had been asleep in my apartment and woke up very drowsy. The clock said it was 2:30 and I knew it was mid-afternoon. How I had slept so much I didn’t know but I must have needed it.

I wandered into the neighbor’s apartment. He was a single, middle aged man. He asked me if I could help him figure out why his sugar (pleasures being denied) was missing. We talked about possible reasons from rats in his kitchen to him letting someone borrow some sugar. Then we walked into his living area. I remember that I have never been there before and mentioned how nice his place was. The whole time I was feeling tired, like I had slept way too long and could not fully wake up.

Then I was at a family meeting. Everyone in my family was sitting at a long table. At the head of the table was a therapist (seeking support). We were there to sort out our problems with one another, to listen without judgement and to get our chance to say what was on our minds. I remember sitting toward the end and feeling out of it, still tired.

The feeling in the room was tense. It seemed like everyone was afraid to say how they really felt. I don’t recall anyone saying anything and then a break being called. During the break I spoke to the counselor telling her that I thought if just one of us spoke up that it would break the ice and more would be accomplished. She told me she was just there to facilitate; she would not try and get anyone to talk. I told her about the church dream and how I thought I should tell my uncle about it. She seemed to think it would be a good idea but refused to say more. She was to leave soon and a new counselor would come in and help.

As we sat back down, I sat next to my sister and BIL (cousin). My cousin was  closest to me. He looked like he did when he was 19. I told him he looked good. He barely acknowledged me. I remember that there was strain between my cousin and his dad (my uncle). It was the same kind of strain that my uncle had had with his own father (my grandfather). I saw the cycle repeating and wondered if they did, too. I began to speak out, asking them if they saw what I saw and trying to get them to do something about it. All I wanted was for them to ask themselves these questions: When you die, what will you remember from your life? Will you remember all the wrongs done to you? All the grudges you held? All the things others did to keep you from getting this or that in life? Or will you remember how you treated others? How you showed love and shared love with those around you?

Considerations

I have been in the process of writing this post all day (it is 2pm now). My motivation to finish it is low but I know there is a reason for all the emotional dreams last night. At first I thought it meant I needed to email my mom, uncle and sister but now I’m not so sure. It seems that I must focus on my immediate situation and make changes there first before I move on and reach out to others.

The questions I had in my mind about life and what one would care about upon death are what linger even now. This is not the first time I have had questions like these come up.

The song, I’ll Be Home for Christmas was repeating in my head for a while. I believe there is a message in it. For the last two years straight I have had significant spiritual experiences/breakthroughs in the month of December. It may even have been three now that I think of it but specifically the last two have been doozies. When I looked up the lyrics to the song I found very few but in the dream I sang at least three full verses and none of the verses were familiar but seemed to focus on life itself and family values.

The specific part of the song that stuck out was “if only in my dreams”. It seemed like I was being told I would go Home in my dreams or that there would be…..wait for it…LOL…..a family (Spirit) reUnion. Ha! Okay if you don’t get my humor here then go and look at December, 2015’s posts from this blog.

Two years of the reUnion theme is enough for me so I am not getting hopeful (if anything the opposite) or preparing myself for some big bang type of spiritual breakthrough again. However, to have both father figures make an entrance (kind of) in my dreams last night make me wonder what this December has to hold. I admit I’m curious but not going to allow myself to dwell on it too much.

I loved my dad…. and my grandfather even more. To see either of them again in dreamtime would be wonderful. It has been a long time since I’ve had a visit. I think the last time I connected with my grandfather he visited me in his new visage for his current lifetime and updated me on his plans. That was not too long ago and it was eye opening. I believe that my middle son is my dad so he is around me all the time. 🙂

Updates

A quick update on others things. My acne issue is almost completely resolved. YAY! Happy dance! It literally took 3 days for the antibiotics to do their job. I also got a new cream – Tazorac – that is a miracle cream if you ask me. I have been on a Retin-A generic for years but my dermatologist thought it was time for a switch. She hit the bullseye. My skin went from red dots and bumps to no red dots and super, velvety smooth after just two nights of application. Frickin’ amazing! Apparently it is a psoriasis medication first and foremost but I don’t care. If it works then I am happy.

The antibiotics are not my friend, though. I hate the way they make me feel and my body wreaks of stinky antibiotic smell. Just recently I have started having mild UTI-type symptoms which doesn’t make sense since I am taking the antibiotic doctors usually prescribe to clear up UTIs! Thankfully, since they are doing such a good job, I will taper as soon as all evidence of this breakout is gone, which will be very, very soon.

The BC is still a pain in my ass, though. After continuing to experience an icky tummy after certain foods followed by too much burping I realized the higher hormones are giving me my all-time most hated pregnancy symptom – acid reflux/indigestion. UGH x 1000! Will this go away after a couple of months of use? I have no idea but I plan on sticking it out for at least two more months to see. In the meantime I get to enjoy burping for an hour or more after every meal. It could be worse, I could have full-on acid reflux, the kind that burns like hell. I don’t get that, though, just burping. lol

The BC has given me back my boobs. Not sure if that is a good thing or not but for now I will say it is good. 😀

Family-wise there is still no contact from my older sister. She speaks to my brother who then PMs me on FB. She apparently wants me to apologize to her for lying about my drug use. She says I currently smoke pot. I haven’t touched any recreational drugs since 2007 so I don’t know why she thinks I am secretly smoking weed. I can’t apologize for something I didn’t do. Sigh. So now both my sisters won’t talk to me for random, made-up reasons. Weird.

Hopefully by Christmas there will be some kind of resolution and my sister and BIL/cousin will participate in family gatherings. If not I know my mom will be very sad.  Personally, I will mainly be sad for my mom because, as a mother, I know how important it is to be with/see/connect with your children. 😦 I can’t imagine being close to 70 and not seeing two of my three daughters and one of my grandchildren around the holidays. That is just not right.

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Remember Me

 

Again I had another post partially written – twice – and it never felt right to post. It felt empty, pointless, directionless….just like me right now.

This morning I had several lucid dreams and attempted to shift OOB with no success. I suspect I was already OOB which is why the exits were unsuccessful.

Prior to this, I had awakened at around 7am and heard someone say to me, “You know you’ve been OOB?” I dismissed it as a dream conversation fragment, got up, took my wonderful antibiotic (have to take on empty stomach 30 minutes before a meal) and went back to sleep even though I had just intended to meditate.

Image result for image of citrine in shape of arrow head

OBEs/Lucid Travels

My travels took me to several places. The first was my grandparent’s living room where I was with my sister and BIL. I can’t recall why I was there but we were talking about building a chicken (cowardliness) coop that would be shared by us and the neighbors. I had memories that were not associated with this lifetime but with some other life or place. For example, my grandparent’s house was not located where it is in this life, but was in a subdivision. I believe what I was remembering were my astral memories, but I can’t be sure.

Then I shifted into a crystal shop. I was standing in front of a dark haired woman who I recalled was a friend. In fact, I again had memories not at all related to this lifetime. In front of me were laid out many various crystal fragments. I knew I was selecting one for a friend and picked up a large, arrowhead shaped piece of Citrine. The woman told me it was a good one and I kept it, intending to make a necklace with it. She asked me for advice. “Where should I move to?” I told her, “I think Montana.” She said, “Ah yes, I have been there. It is beautiful!” I said, “Yes, I use to live there, but…..I think it would not be ideal for your business. Perhaps Seattle would be better?” I then wandered over to a window and selected a black cord for the necklace I was making for my friend. I put the Citrine on it as I began to mull over memories of my friend.

My physical self heard sounds coming from my bedroom at this time. I knew they were sounds off and so ignored them but it brought me back to my sleeping body temporarily. I could feel my energy shift. It is like I settled down into my body but the two energies never completely merged. It was jumpy and sporadic but enough for me to register that I could go OOB. When I tried, though, the energy would not allow it and I must have drifted off again.

I soon found myself in my grandparent’s house again, this time in the kitchen. Standing in front of me was my friend. I could see him clear as day. He was telling me something rather random and smiling, very at ease. I stared at him for a bit, shocked that he was standing there right in front of me. I had in my hand the Citrine necklace I made for him. I handed it to him, telling him, “I made this for you. I remembered how much you liked it (Citrine).” I remember thinking that Citrine brought abundance and I wanted that for him. He was pleased and smiled as he took it from me.

I asked him some questions about his life – Was he still living where he was before? Was he happy? Was he still doing what he was when we last spoke? He answered, confirming most of what I already knew.

The more we talked the more lucid I became. My physical/human consciousness was questioning the reality. Why are we in my grandparent’s kitchen? Is this really my friend? No way, why would he be in my grandparent’s kitchen? This has to be a dream!

The last thing I remember was telling my friend, “I miss you.” I felt very down when I said it. I don’t remember his response now but he was understanding, happy-go-lucky, and reassuring.

Eventually my questions pulled me out of the scene and again I felt my physical body and my physical senses began to take over. It was odd but something I have experienced before. My senses shift from astral to physical but not all at once. For example, my hearing will be like someone turns on the volume and then it turns it down again suddenly and repetitively. The same thing goes for my vision – astral to physical (which is dark). The vibrations are the same, on again, off again. So odd!

I shifted yet again and found myself outside my mom’s house this time. I think I may have been a little kid because my vision was at a lower height than is my norm. I was talking to someone about a special school that only Kindergarten aged kids could go to. My middle son was mentioned and I remember hearing he couldn’t go but my youngest could. My vision was very clear at this time and my physical self recognized I was OOB. We were walking through thick, brown leaves. There were so many that as I walked they came to my knees (remember that I am child-sized though) and I could hear them crunching under foot. I saw ahead of me my mom’s yard and my vision stabilized. The blue sky seemed to be huge in comparison to myself. Recognizing my chance, I attempted to jump into the air and take flight. I did this just as a child said to me, “Come on!” As I lifted up it felt like an energy pulled me down and the message was, “No.”

I returned to my sleeping body and my senses adjusted as did my energy. It was quick this time and I opened my eyes.

As I laid there my first memory was of meeting my friend. It was so real and I wondered if he was just a dream construct or if he had actually been there. As if in answer, the lyrics of a song popped into my head – I will be with you again….I will be with you again.

I heard the above a couple of days ago while driving. I had been in a strange mood, zoned out and feeling odd. This has been normal for me lately, especially when I drive. I had changed the radio station and caught the end of the song. The music lulled me almost into a trance and I remember smiling and enjoying it. It felt like someone was giving me a hug and I got a bit Homesick as I recalled certain memories. That is when I heard, “I will be with you again.” It seemed like a message then, too.

For some reason when I heard the song this morning I thought it was from The Cure. Ha! Not sure why I thought that but it could be a message, too. Who knows. It also felt like not only was I being told, “I will be with you again” but that I was also saying this to someone. Like a simultaneous message exchange. I do believe there was an astral meeting and that my other Self has a full set of memories entirely separate from my physical life memories.

Other Dreams

I’ve had lots of dreams these last few days, and Kundalini, too.

In one dream I was heading home and had to make a sharp turn that immediately went uphill. It was my exit and came much quicker than I anticipated. When I took the turn I had to stop suddenly because there were three cars in a row that had run head-on into the curve. They were so mangled that all I could see were the taillights and bumpers. Their anxious drivers stood with a police officer (assistance) and I was told I could not pass. So I shifted the other direction but it was also barred, this time by water (emotion). I ended up taking the long way around to get to my destination.

The dream continued to my destination which was a “camp” (need to belong but independent also) of sorts for teachers. The camp looked like suburbia and when I checked-in I was told join the rest of the group. I was given a uniform and told that we would all eventually start to smell badly over time (issue needs to be addressed) because we were not allowed to bathe. Every day we would have P.T. and I recall being told where the nearby hospital (healing) was located in case we needed assistance in the evening when the camp was closed. Thing was, the hospital was also a camp and run by the very same people. I remember realizing the teachers were also doctors/nurses as was I.

Kundalini

Yesterday morning I had a nice Kundalini dream in which I was in a van with my husband. We were in the back and the van was driving itself. We were on the highway and, knowing we would be occupied for a while, I worried we would end up driving too far. I suggested we take the van to the lake and park but before I could go up front to take over driving the Kundalini raged and woke me up. I lingered in the bliss for some time after waking. It seems that now whenever my root activates all my upper chakras “sing” in the most wonderfully pleasant way. It is spectacular and I really, really hate that it always wakes me up! Grrrr!

I had actually asked for some kind of Kundalini experience that night before bed. There are two distinct types I experience now – the very sexual/bliss kind and the bliss/friendship/love/safety/Oneness kind. Both are wonderful in their own way and both teach me a great deal about myself and the world/this experience. “Bliss” is a part of both but there seems to be different types of bliss as well as various “new” feelings associated with the Kundalini. Since the human experience does not have words for these feelings I am always at a loss as to how to describe them.

Another Music Message

Yesterday morning, as I slowly woke from my dreams, a message came through very quietly. It repeated and grew louder and louder, eventually bringing forth a song as if to make sure I paid attention. The song was this one:

The part of the song that was repeating was, “Don’t you, forget about me.” The message that had been repeating and growing louder became obvious when the song was acknowledged. It was: Remember me.

A bit shocked and curious, I focused on the source of the message and felt a familiar energy, one I had not felt in a while. The more I focused the clearer the energy became and a visual formed in my mind.

My response was to enter into a conversation with this individual because I understood all at once the message and was tired of resisting.

It was a check-in. I knew the message “Remember me” was both a message to remember mySelf as well as a message to remember what had brought me to where I am now. To push away, ignore or deny all that made me who I am today was not helping me. I needed to remember it. All of it.

Of course I had to justify my reasons. It is painful, it makes living here on this planet that much more difficult, it triggers all kinds of beliefs/expectations/desires that I do not wish to reconcile for the enormity of their impact on me as a Human Being. It is easier to deny in myself all that relates to connection. To deny myself the positives in order to avoid the negatives makes complete sense.

But it was clear from my dream and all the dreams preceding it that the path of avoidance will get me nowhere. The path will be blocked and so will all of the others until I take the correct path.

The message was, “Remember it is my path, too. You cannot force from yourself that which is part of you. I will always be there. In your heart. In your mind. I am part of you as you are part of me.” I softened a great deal when I heard this. It was like all my walls came down all at once.

Still Recovering

Similarly, last night prior to bed I was asking all sorts of questions – “Why” this and “Why” that. My main thoughts centered on the experiences I’ve had – the Kundalini being number 1. Why did I make it so that I Remembered so much in this lifetime? What is the point of Remembering if I can’t do anything with it! How am I going to continue in this life now? With every single Kundalini experience I glimpse more of that which I Forgot. And with every regained memory of Self this human experience feels more and more alien to me.

Throughout I was receiving reminders of what I already Knew, things I Remembered on the path to where I am now. Things I have written in this blog…..like my Starseed origins, my connection to what appear to be E.T.’s, my memories of my purpose here, past life memories, heart connections/soul family, and the glimpses into my own and Earth’s future. I pushed all of it out of my mind, though, because it does me no good to believe such things. It only serves to make me feel that much more alone, that much more separate from everyone else.

It felt like I would be in this in-between/void forever when I “looked” into my own future. Time stretched out forever in front of me like a road never-ending. I saw my children mostly grown up. I saw myself old and gray. I couldn’t/can’t help but be impatient. I want to get to “the end” already. But mostly I just want something to look forward to. After experiencing what I have thus far to think of the rest of my life being like it was before – it’s unbearable. I have no way of consolidating the before and the after and that’s what I need to do or else risk major repercussions (mental break being one).

I was told, “Give yourself a chance to recover.” With that I was reminded of the end of 2016 and the intensity of the pain/hurt/despair among other things. Healing cannot be rushed. Considering how long I have already been recovering I asked in frustration, “How long is it going to take?” The answer I received was, “As long as it takes.” UGH!

Sync

As if to remind me that my path here is to serve others, specifically my children, I was drawn to my youngest son’s eyes. In the sunlight I noticed things I hadn’t noticed before. So I took some photos. Aren’t his eyes just gorgeous?

 

 

I also noticed he has inherited his father’s heterochromia. If you look at the first photo you can see that the color amber/brown surrounds the pupil but the rest of the eye is blue. This is true of central heterochromia – two different shades of color. His dad has partial heterochromia – one of his blue eyes has a big, brown spot that takes up about 1/4 of the iris color.

Interestingly, the same day I was fascinated with my son’s heterochromia, I was watching the show Limitless and there was mention of heterochromia! HA! Chance? I think not.

After my amazement wore off over the sync I just experienced, I realized again what I had recently been reminded of. There is purpose to my being here beyond what I am able to/allowed to see. Much of that purpose is related to the new generations. I have three very special children who will need my Knowing, my Remembering, to help them in life. It may not be apparent to me now but it will be, eventually. Even in writing this I am reminded of the Delores Cannon books.

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Kundalini Dream: Dancing

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you have a wonderful day with family and friends. 🙂

My family already had one of our Thanksgivings last night at my Mom’s house. The next one is this afternoon at my BIL’s house. Interestingly, I had two glasses of chardonnay without even the slightest hint of anxiety.

I am not enjoying eating the wonderful food, however. My new retainers hurt more than my braces ever did. When I take them out I have to suffer through sore teeth while I eat. No bueno. The discomfort is supposedly normal and will pass in a few days but the timing is bad. It didn’t keep me from eating too much, though. lol

Kundalini Dream: Dancing

Had another surprising Kundalini dream. This one was muted in comparison to the night before but still noticeable enough to bleed through to physicality.

In the dream I was with a group of people inside a small, cozy home that had an overall golden hue to it. It felt warm but it was warmth of friendship, not temperature. There was dancing and I remember my husband grabbing my hand and dancing with me while kissing me. I don’t remember the kissing sensation or even much at all about this part of the dream except that it was my “husband” I was with and that we were dancing. The whole thing felt commonplace and uneventful.

What I recall most vividly is at one moment standing and talking to a tall, dark haired man who I thought of as my BIL. The next thing I know he takes me by the hand, pulls me close to him and begins to dance with me. He swirls me around and around in circles, our chests touching, passionately kissing me the entire time. I do remember the sensation of kissing and how wonderful it was. I thought, “This is really nice…..and I don’t like kissing that much.” I remember him swinging me away from him and then pulling me straight toward him. Then he kissed me quite intensely and the kiss shot energy throughout my body that was so intoxicating I lost my balance and nearly fell to my knees. He caught me and said, “That’s enough.” Then he turned and walked away.

I collapsed to the floor breathless, the energy still pouring through me. I fell face down on the floor and just laid there for a while. I felt “drunk”. The room was spinning as if I was still twirling around and around. I was giddy happy, though, and reveling in the ecstatic bliss of the energy that had overtaken my body.

Eventually I stood up still intent on taking a walk to clear my head of the lingering drunk feeling. I remember seeing my husband and excitedly telling him, “Your brother and I just made out!!!” I thought it was hilarious for some reason. I don’t recall his reaction or if he was even there. In fact, throughout this whole dream experience I cannot recall ever actually seeing my husband. There is only a blur of blonde hair in my memory.

As was preparing to go on my “walk” a man and woman approached me. The woman laid out on the bed all kinds of hair clips, bows and ties. I was giddy and felt inspired to do my hair and put on bright red lipstick. I tried to pull my hair up with a rubber band but it wouldn’t work so I opted for a hair clip. The whole time I was chattering away about my experience but can’t recall my words. I felt truly alive. It was a marvelous feeling!

There is memory here of being told about a group of men who had gone on a hike into the mountains despite the bone chilling cold. They were unprepared for the sub-zero temperatures but insisted on going on their hike. All four of them were found the next morning in a tiny cabin frozen solid. They were sitting in a circle holding hands encased in a block of ice. The woman said they had a bag of grain that had burst and so there was grain embedded in the ice. I remember saying it would smell terrible when the frost came in the Spring.

Undeterred, my walk was again interrupted. This time it was with news that a woman’s cell phone had been found with an arrow in the middle of the screen. The arrow was made with flint. There was discussion that the woman had encountered Native Americans. It seemed like she had broken a rule of some kind but I am unsure. My memory is mostly of seeing the black cell phone with a flint arrowhead embedded in it.

The last thing I recall is seeing and following a black and white cat into a room. I recall someone saying I needed to “catch it”, but the dream ends before I do.

When I woke up I felt energized and well rested. A song was going through my head, “When I said that I loved you, I meant that I loved you forever….And I’m gonna keep on loving you….” Funny that I keep getting REO Speedwagon songs. lol

There was a Knowing that I have recently been in communication with my counterpart during dreamtime. It was so real that it felt like I had just spoken to him despite having no actual memory of it, like I could reach out and physically touch him. I asked why I couldn’t remember. I was told it was to save me from the sadness that would inevitably result from our separation and the Knowing that we could not be together. I understood, remembering the dreams from last year where in seeing him in dreamtime I felt terrible agony, as if my heart were being ripped from my chest or stolen never to be returned. I had requested of him not to visit me anymore, telling him it was too painful for me. I have not seen him with such acuity in my dreams since. If I do see/sense him it is dulled, his features hidden from me and my human consciousness separate from the experience. He is always distinguishable, however, by his dark hair and stature.

I miss him.

Dream Interpretation

It is still curious to me that I called him my BIL. This was not the first time, either. Perhaps it is to relay that we are “family” and to be together would be “taboo” somehow? IDK but part of me wishes the human side of me could experience his visits again despite the pain that inevitably will result.

The four frozen men from my dream has me wondering, too. Something being frozen in a dream indicates suppression or rejection of something. Suppression of the masculine? It is unclear, but the number 4 might be significant.

Grain represents abundance, growth and happiness. It was also frozen; suppressed. The reference to it smelling bad in the Spring could indicate that I am aware of something on the horizon that will not be pleasant, some reckoning perhaps.

The cell phone represents communication. It is pierced by an arrow with a flint tip. Flint symbolizes endurance, livelihood and longevity or the spark of a new idea. The arrow represent a release of tension related to targets or goals. Perhaps my goal is communication and at some point I achieve this goal and it releases within me some new idea or revelation? Yet there is reference to the arrow in the phone as being against the rules as well as a part of a Native American tribe. Native Americans symbolize freedom and the uninhibited aspects of one’s character. Perhaps I cross some invisible boundary or do something “taboo” but that frees me in some way?

Then there are the hair bows, the rubber band and the red lipstick. Hair bows/clips represent femininity. The rubber band means an expansion in thinking. The red lipstick symbolizes sexuality and sensuality. Similarly, the cat represents the feminine and I need to “catch” it. All together it symbolizes a feeling of embracing the feminine.

 

 

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Dream Message: Let Go of Time and Possibility

OMG I’m so tired! Finally got sleep last night but it has been a long time coming. 4 straight days of hardly any sleep adds up. I forgot to mention that I’ve also had a headache on and off, mostly at night, all four days and the last two days I’ve had a horrible crick in my neck that makes it hurt to look anywhere but “straight ahead”. Yeah, I didn’t miss the message in that last part. Look straight ahead. No looking back or to the side. Ha!

Our puppy Monty is a handful and does not want to sleep at night. Instead he sleep during the day and whines most of the night. When he plays he is adorable, attacking with a full-on pounce like a cat and then growling and barking at his prey, a tiny stuffed bear. He is learning his name and coming more when called already and started to recognize that grass = potty, not the floor.

Last night I woke suddenly at 11pm from a very deep sleep and flew out of bed to go down and check on Monty. Turns out he had an accident in his kennel/crate and so it was good I woke up like I did. Mommy instincts must be on for him because then I couldn’t sleep because I was worried about him. lol I had to remind myself I needed the sleep and staying up worrying over a whining puppy would do neither of us any good. It was the “cry it out” method for puppy and sleep for me!

My husband was up around 4am yelling at my daughter to go tend to Monty so I know his whining woke him up. I was grateful that I wasn’t asked to do it and fell back to sleep.

sleepy

Monty – all tuckered out.

Dream: Let Go of Time and Possibility

I’ve not been remembering my dreams of late but this one is very memorable. The first thing I recall is being taken to a neighborhood (aspects of subconscious) that was newly constructed. The houses were on rolling hills and we were heading to a house on the hilltop. I remember commenting on the locating saying I would not want a house on the hill (struggles to get to goal) but I knew why someone would: the view.

Inside the house I realized I was with my mom and family. A realtor (new sense of self) had brought us to a house to sell us on his proposal. I sat on the sofa very tired and overheard what was proposed. He wanted my mom to sell her land to him so his company could build a neighborhood like the one we were in. In exchange he would pay off all her debt but 10%. Her mortgage would be gone and she would be set for the rest of her life. The houses he would build would be spaced far apart and not be many, just enough to make a small neighborhood. I remember telling my mom I had many dreams about just such a future for the family land and suggested a location.

I became very tired (resisting awareness) and took a nap on the sofa. When I woke up I was disoriented and irritated that they woke me up. I recall seeing the owner of the house leave and wondering why he didn’t care that I was making a mess of his living room. I had pillows and blankets (comfort) all bundled around me.

The realtor was very insistent that I participate in the negotiations for this “deal”. Sleepy-eyed I followed everyone into the kitchen and sat down at a bench-like table. There was a contract to be signed and the only person left to sign was me. I recall hearing more details but not caring or being excited about any of it. I asked, “When will construction begin?” He said, “Oh we won’t be breaking ground until 2036.” I remember thinking that was a long time. He then gave me some advice, “I suggest you let go of time and possibility.”

This message woke me up somewhat in the dream and I repeated it to myself as I walked out of the house to look at the neighborhood. I saw a garbage truck (get rid of old habits) in the distance and followed the sidewalk as I repeated it over and over. I was carrying a handful of chicken strips (cowardliness) in my hand and lost a few, bent down and picked them up and then saw a couple more ahead of me on the path. I heard again, “Let go of Time and Possibility.”

I woke up groggy hearing a song verse in my head, “And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time….” The verse repeated over and over along with the message and the date, 2036.

Conversation with Husband

The dream reminds me of a conversation I had with my husband last night. We were talking about human conditioning and it’s affects on life and individual happiness. Specifically we were in agreement that we have been brainwashed into believing that the ultimate goal in life is to experience as much pleasure as possible, specifically pleasure in sex. In our own ways we have both gotten to the point that we are rejecting much of our attitudes and beliefs about sex. I am in a place where I am trying to fill in the gaps left by rejecting these ideas, searching for meaning and trying to make sense of what life has to offer once these ideas are removed. My husband seems to have already found his own answer though I am unclear of what it is still.

I was philosophizing for much of the conversation discussing my observations in this lifetime. We discussed what it is to “live” and I offered two options – the “safe” route and the “go for it”, Seize the Day options. The former tends toward a gentle, consistent curve if one were to view as a chart or graph. The latter is a spike that drops down quickly. Both have the same end one is just more extreme than the other. I asked my husband which life he prefers: the intense and exciting one or the “boring”, safe and consistent one?

He said he prefers the intense one and that he believes everyone prefers it. I disagreed. He went on to discuss how life in the present has removed much of what creates the excitement of the intense one. We live longer, we are more “secure”, we no longer have to fight for our existence like in the past. I told him that time and time again I opt for the safe path but that I suspect the reason for that is that I have already lived many of the more extreme lives and am now taking a break. I asked him if he could see how we might choose to experience both types of lives and how both offered their own unique lessons? He said he could see that. I said it is likely that part of the lesson is in being willing to experience either type of lifetime without desiring what we don’t have – to be happy with what we have when we have it.

Nonetheless, we both have this inborn, human drive toward seeking pleasure. It is always there and is the origin of human suffering. The key is to not be the effect of it.

By the end of our conversation I had the answer to questions I have been asking myself for a while now. I have been unable to understand why my soul put me through everything it did in 2015-2016. Why would I be exposed to the feelings I had, feelings I did not even know existed prior to that time? Why would I feel the entire time that giving into them was “bad” and that I should avoid them at all costs? Where did the seemingly irrational fear come from?

It all goes back to something I asked a while ago when I was asked by my guidance that infamous question: What do you want? I said I wanted a connection with my husband. I wanted our relationship to be what it should be. In my mind I was unsure of what this even meant by my heart knew. I recognized that what I had asked for was much bigger than I could have imagined. So big that it required me to rectify the split between my spiritual and physical selves. I told my husband about this split and how I felt that when I was whole (meaning my spiritual and physical selves are in balance) much of our (me and his) issues would be resolved.

During my conversation with my husband I could see how my request was also shaping his life and that his lesson was similar to my own. He was learning it in his own way, separate from me and that is how it should be. His challenges are not the same as my own. Yet there we were, together, connecting and recognizing our lesson is one in the same.

We discussed many other things and had an enjoyable evening of sharing and communicating. Communication is what our relationship has always been built upon and when we are in good communication it is obvious to us both why we are together in this life. I was able to see more clearly the path I chose to take with him and why. It is the “longer” more “secure” path – yes – but one of the advantages of this path is the extended lessons it brings. Lessons one will not have the opportunity to learn via the shorter, more exciting paths.

The message from my dream is asking me to put aside my considerations of time and possibility.  My interpretation is that this means I need to stop hoping for the possible outcomes that come with the passage of time. Let go of Time – stop thinking “what if” or “when ____ happens then _____ happens.” Let go of Possibility – stop the wishful thinking; the could’ve, should’ve thinking. Part of me feels that letting go of these things means letting go of my hope. It doesn’t.

In considering the Time portion of the message I came across a message from Eron given to me a while back. Time is nothing but a preoccupation of thought. So, let go of Time, let go of preoccupation of thought. Interesting!

I am reminded of a dream fragment from a couple of nights ago. I was talking to a person who had lost their left arm and possibly their legs, too. Their message to me was, “You never know when your time here will end. So live life like there’s no tomorrow.”

The combination of the two messages is one I’ve heard many times before: Live in the Now. Be present in the Now. What’s even funnier here is that my husband and I had a conversation about that very subject the day after the dream with the one armed person. Ha!