Tag Archives: panic attack

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Immersion

I’ve been taking it easy and giving myself time to recover, heal and relax. While the week started out high-anxiety, I am finishing it feeling much more like my old self – well actually better because my anxiety level is lower than prior to the major panic attack in August.

I stopped drinking my half-caffeine cup of coffee in the morning four days ago. I suffered a bad headache that was not relieve by Ibuprofin the first day (caffeine withdrawal). By the second day my headache was pretty much gone and yesterday it was non-existent. This morning I am happily drinking a cup of decaf.

I’ve also added yoga again to my nightly routine. I stopped temporarily and never got back into it because of everything that was going on. This time I am doing Clubbell Yoga again, without the clubbell for now. I also continued my walks with Monty and upped the pace yesterday with some short periods of jogging here and there without incident. All the while I am tracking my heart rate to make sure it is recovering properly. At first my heart rate was spiking and then taking much too long to recover but it has been improving. I’m not where I was previously just yet but I think as I get a handle on my anxiety that it will get back to normal.

Yesterday I took some time to treat myself to a haircut and another visit to the nail salon. Getting out the door of my house was a bit nerve wrecking because I had thoughts of being hit with panic while driving and being away from home. The farther I drove from home the higher my anxiety went but I got a grip on it and by the time I walked into the hair salon all anxiety had vanished. My main thoughts were, “If I don’t drive, I never will. If I don’t go out on my own, I never will. If I give into the anxiety, it wins.” For me, the worst possible outcome of this anxiety lesson is the potential for me to withdraw further and further into myself and become completely disable by it.

With my background in counseling and personal experiences with anxiety, I am definitely a proponent of immersion therapy – confront it (fear, anxiety, panic) and it will lessen and eventually go away or become manageable. It works every time. If I know the anxiety is triggered by exercise then I keep exercising. If it is triggered by driving, then I keep driving. Yeah, that’s why I keep running and lifting weights, in case you were saying to yourself, “What the hell is she thinking!?” lol

Sometimes the only way I can confront the fear and panic is to get to the point where I can accept the worst case scenario. My inner dialogue is something like this, “If I have a panic attack in the store and end up collapsing, so be it. If I am driving and it happens and it feels like I am going to pass out, I will just pull over. If I end up in hysterics around random strangers, so what?” For me, the fear of being vulnerable and weak and out of control are the worst. I have to accept that asking for help is OK and there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable and/or weak.

The more conscious I am of my anxiety, the more I aware I am becoming of just how tense I am. My anxiety level is almost always at a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. The only time it is lower is if I am at home (or in a “safe” place) doing relaxing things like taking a bath, watching TV, mediating or….sleeping. lol Recently, I recognized that I tend to relax at the hair and nail salon, thus the frequent trip to get manicures (not my thing usually). When I get my nails done I get so relaxed that I start to get sleepy or I get this release response where I just want to cry in relief. Weird because the nail salon is usually very busy but they play calming music and there is something very calming about Asian women I think, too.

Overall, it feels like this sudden spurt of anxiety is a blessing in disguise. It is teaching me to pay attention to my body and to take care of my emotional and spiritual health by doing things that are relaxing and soothing. It is showing me my irrational side, the fearful inner child aspect, and just how important it is to her/me to feel safe and loved. I have become more cognizant of my thoughts and self-dialogue, especially those that can act to trigger panic. Instead of shutting the thoughts down I respond to them with love and acceptance, reminding myself that life is unpredictable and bad things will happen, but so will good things, and if I/we worry all the time about the bad things then we will miss the good ones. And I find myself living more in the present, which I think is the biggest help of all.

The more clear I get on this whole panic/anxiety crap, the more obvious it is to me that this is a MAJOR clearing, initiated by the Kundalini. She can be so brutal!! Resolution will only come with surrender and acceptance. I have to allow it to happen, even if it feels like it is going to kill me (which it literally does!).

Dream: Matchmaker

Shifting to another topic now. 🙂 I have to include this odd dream.

The dream began at a gathering. My husband was with me. There was a lady leading a group of people and assigning each person to another. It was soon obvious that it was a kind of matchmaking (choice to be made) group.

I was matched with this foreign (new, unfamiliar situation) man with dark hair and an accent. There I was standing with my husband looking at this man I was assigned to and thinking how weird it was. I balked, of course, and my husband began to nag me about it, insisting that I go along with the process.

The man and I spoke for a while. For some odd reason I presented him with a present. A small orange tree (good news). I asked him if it would do well in the area he lived. In my mind I saw Italy (romance, enjoyment of life). He assured me that it would do well, even thrive, and took my gift without hesitation. We talked a bit about the climate and I recall seeing a scene in my mind of where he was from. Then it was time to go and he left. I was given a slip of paper with instructions. The lady facilitator told me, “If you like him then you log into this forum at 11pm and continue to get to know each other. If not, then don’t.”

I put away the slip of paper. I did not intend to log in.

Then I was inside a Wal-Mart (a bargain) but sitting at a table as if in a restaurant. Three people came to join me. A couple and the man who I had just been assigned to previously. I felt very uncomfortable through the whole encounter. I remember being asked if I had to choose between two men, who would I choose. I told them the darker haired man would be my choice. There was a strange feeling present that is barely memorable now and hard to describe. It is kinda like a nervous apprehension.

We all left together and I lagged behind the group until I could no longer see them ahead of me. I walked and walked and ended up in an unfamiliar place. I realized I had kept walking when my car was parked right outside the Wal-Mart. I decided to look up the address on my phone, found the location and then started walking back. I knew to walk toward a large cathedral (spirituality), so I did.

As I walked I realized I had left my backpack (decisions and responsibilities that hinder me)behind. I worried at first but then realized I had everything I needed with me. Then I saw that I was only wearing my underwear (private self). I looked around and no one seemed to notice and I thought, “It must look like I am wearing a bathing suit (confronting uncertainty).”

 

 

 

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Full Moon Skunk Encounter

I’ve been meaning to write but just haven’t followed through. I was waiting for something to shift, for my monkey mind to quiet down a bit more and for my body to feel less “off”. Yesterday all these things were beginning to line up and this morning it seems to be holding steady…..so far anyway.

Full Moon Skunk Encounter

But before I get ahead of myself, let’s go back to the 12th. I took Monty on a walk in the evening, just as the sun was setting. I saw the full moon in the distance so walked into an open field to get a better look. I stopped and marveled at its beauty, took a couple of photos and turned around to leave. That’s when I saw it. A skunk, walking toward me, nose down and completely unaware of me and my dog. Shocked, I stood and watched, knowing this was a message and to pay attention. The skunk lumbered toward me and Monty, happily feasting on grubs and oblivious to our presence. I took some photos and stuck around a while because I have never been that close to a skunk. I’ve seen them from my car but never without something between me and the skunk.

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Photo of skunk in low light so quite blurry but you get the idea. 😉 

The full moon itself marks the peak of a cycle. It brings illumination and clarity. It heightens awareness and intensifies dream activity. It brings insight into past patterns and assist us in using that knowledge to better prepare for the future.

The skunk’s main message is “do no harm”. It reminds us that there are times when we must defend ourselves, yes, but to remember to do so in a way that does not hurt or damage others.

In times where threats are not imminent, the skunk reminds us to be patient, prudent and silent. Like Mr. Skunk showed me in that field, sometimes it is best to mind our own business, to be self-assured and confident in our own path while allowing others to follow theirs. Mr. Skunk may have known all along that me and Monty were there observing him but he went his merry way to the point of coming directly toward us, tail in the air as if to say, “I see you but I am not afraid.”

Overall, seeing Mr. Skunk brought me great joy and I carried that with me all the way home, sharing the pictures and video with my family. My children were especially fascinated because to them a skunk was just an unpleasant smell. Now they know they are quite cute and almost….cuddly. lol

More Panic

Friday and Saturday brought more uneasiness and anxiety, unfortunately. I just felt overly aware of everything that was going on with my body. My heart space felt odd and that would lead to my focusing on the feeling and it increasing to the point that I would become nervous about it. My heart rate would increase and an overall ill feeling would come over me.

Saturday I asked my husband to go on a walk with me because the feeling was making it very hard for me to function. Thankfully the walk seemed to tone it down and all odd heart sensations vanished. They returned the end of the day on yet another walk but I was able to manage it, but I felt like a failure since I know it is my thoughts that is fueling the incidences.

Sunday I woke feeling much better. So much so that I opted to do a workout and see if I could avoid another exercise induced panic attack. I started with a walk. Sadly, the panic began to set in but this time I opted to sing a song to myself as a distraction. I chose a song my grandmother use to sing on her many walks – One Day at a Time. As soon as I started to sing a huge bubble of emotion formed in my chest and went up into my throat. I began to cry and the pressure in my throat released. I continued to sing, allowing the emotion to flow and suddenly it felt as if I were floating rather than walking down the sidewalk. I had the strangest sense that I was OOB and the world around me a dream.

I made it home and took a short break before continuing with my weight lifting routine, one I hadn’t done in over a week. The first part was rough, though, because every time my heart rate went up I began to panic a little. I kept having to talk myself down and take breaks. Eventually, though, something clicked. I remember the song One Day at a Time and the strange release I had during my walk. I went down stairs briefly and when I returned it was like I did a 180. I felt revived with zero fear and completed my workout with gusto. When it was all over I felt wonderful, as if I had slayed the anxiety dragon.

This morning it was so nice outside that I decided to do a short run-walk interval (about 20 minutes). I stayed close to the house and did the intervals without ending up in panic mode. However, when I checked my heart rate later when reviewing my run it had gotten pretty high toward the end, much higher than it should have been. Just seeing that my heart rate went so high with so little exertion worried me and so then I had to work through some rising pangs of panic. Thankfully nothing major. Obviously I have some issues relating to fear of death coming up that need to be sorted. The last thing I want to do is avoid future issues by completely ceasing all exercise. I just have to take it a bit slower and easier than I am use to and be kind and loving to myself.

Messages

Interestingly, my dreams over the weekend indicated some deep healing work was taking place, specifically on my heart. My guidance indicated that the work was nearly complete and to allow and thoroughly feel the emotions that were being released. There was incidences prior to sleep where I tuned into my heart space and got brief glimpses into the blockage there. When the emotion came up, it came up in spurts that lasted only moments. With each rise of emotion came tears, a feeling of pressure in my throat and a sense of release, as if my body was throwing off a heavy burden.

In those brief moments of release I made sure I paid attention to how the energy moved and how my body responded. The energy would rise from my core in waves, traveling up the sides of my body and converging in my throat where they would form a knot of energy. It seemed the only way to release the knot was to make noise – a sigh, a gasp, anything worked.

When the episodes passed I found myself longing for them to return. Not because I enjoyed the emotion but because I was fascinated by the process.

That same night I was asked by my guidance if perhaps it was time to “turn over a new leaf” and “start a new chapter” in my life. I am not exactly sure what this may be in reference to but message noted.

Realization

I recognized that the heart sensations I had been feeling were nothing unusual. I have felt them in the past. Heart chakra pressure and pulling indicating a blockage being released. I had felt them numerous times in the past. Yet for some odd reason this time around I associated the feeling with a physical body issue. Probably because the panic episode I had at the end of August felt so very much like I was dying.

I have been paying more attention to how the panic episodes make me feel. The feelings leading up to the attacks are generally a feeling of uneasiness, a kind of light-headedness, and then strange tingly feelings up and down my arms. Sometimes my head hurts and I feel tired or shaky, but this seems only to happen when my blood sugar is low. For example, the headache will come out of the blue accompanied by shakiness and if I don’t stop right then and eat something then I will end up with a pounding heart which causes the panic. Generally the panic attacks last no more than a 5 minutes unless low blood sugar is involved, then they can last much longer.

The full-blown panic attacks that make me feel like I am dying cause my heart to pound to the point of breathlessness and my chest to feel weird. The first one of those I had dates all the way back to 2003 (during meditation no less)! It makes me certain I will pass out and die. It is hard to shut down those kinds of thoughts but it is possible. Unfortunately, the whole experience leaves me exhausted and dreading it happening again.

I’ve had my most recent panic issues on and off for a while now (since 2016) – when running, when in public places, when drinking alcohol – but the panic attacks began to escalate after September last year. Since then I have been having more and more incidences of panic and they have been increasingly more alarming. My best guess is that a massive clearing began at some point last year and has been in process ever since. It feels like yet another layer of crap being released. I can only hope that what my guidance has been telling me – that it will be over soon – is true.

 

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Extreme Anxiety

The crazy panic episodes are returning and I am NOT enjoying it one bit.

Friday I had a panic attack at a stop light on the way home from work. What triggered it? Realizing I was at the front of the line of traffic and thinking if I passed out everyone would be stuck behind me. My car felt suffocating. My heart was pounding in my chest like I had just sprinted a 100 yds. I wanted to jump out of my car and stand beside it until the light changed. As soon as the light changed and I was driving, the panic vanished. If I am moving, I am fine. If I am stopped, I could freak out for no reason. 😦

On top of that, I must have caught a stomach virus because my tummy doesn’t feel good at all. It is making my lower back ache and I have what my students use to call “bubble gut”. Ugh!

Yet I persevere. I have to keep doing what needs to get done. There are no breaks for me.

I decided to do the shopping since I had to put food in the fridge. My youngest accompanied me. We made a stop at Ross before grocery shopping. My stomach, which had been better, decided to grumble and hurt. I definitely didn’t feel alright but I pushed through it. A trip to the bathroom helped and we moved on but not before I ate a little something just in case my blood sugar got low (which it tends to do).

Wal-Mart was where we ended up next. I normally don’t go there but I figured why not? Turns out I was all spaced out through the shopping trip and by the time I was waiting in line I began to have that pre-panic feeling. Right there in line I felt like I was going to pass out and then I began to silently freak out because I did not want my poor little guy to have to go through something like that. So, I sorted my thoughts and got my panic under control and got the hell out of there as fast as I could.

I sat in the car a bit before driving away, just to get my wits about me. I had at least five traffic lights between the parking lot and home. Traffic lights tend to increase the likelihood of panic for some reason. Grrr!

I got home without incident and sat in the driveway as my daughter got the groceries. I warned her not to leave the door open or else Monty would run out. Sure enough, within minutes he darted past and across the road to harass a poor woman taking a walk. I had to jump out of the car and get him which was, thankfully, quite easy. He was growling at the woman because she was wearing bright red, over sized headphones. I explained it to her, she let him sniff her and everyone was happy.

When I got inside my stomach was really aching. It feels very much like what I felt when I had that gut imbalance plus a little bit like an intestinal flu. Imagine someone twisting your intestines and your uterus at the same time and you might get an idea of how uncomfortable it is.

With the strange panic episode, the faint feeling and stomach cramping I actually thought to myself, “I must be dying. I’m gonna end up in the ER.” I don’t think things like that often and I’m not really sure why I thought that except that something really feels “off”. I don’t like the feeling at all.

There is no logical explanation for the panic-like episode in line at Wal-Mart. To be honest, I am terrified that these episodes are going to generalize to more and more locations rather than just being isolated to one specific traffic light and section of road like they use to. It is already starting to happen but to shift from the road to inside a store? Gawd!

On the drive home I was thinking that I might be one of “those” people who can’t function anymore in society because being outside among people and in society causes them instant panic to the point of hysteria. The panic makes me want to sprint away from wherever I am. If I am in a car, I want to get out of it. When in line at Wal-Mart I wanted to grab my son and just walk as fast as I could out and away from the store.

It feels like the entire space I occupy is going to collapse on top of me.

WTF is wrong with me!?

It is likely this stomach illness and the energy I have been feeling in my lower chakras are linked. Fear is an emotion related to imbalance in the root chakra (security, survival). With everything going on in my life right now, my seemingly “secure” world being threatened, it might just be exacerbating things and panic is the unfortunate emotional side-effect.

This panic is extreme, though, even for me. Please pray whatever the *uck this is, goes away.

 

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Physical and Emotional Purging

Sometimes I am surprised about how suddenly a decision comes to me. For example, this morning, I woke up deciding I would delete certain apps/social media accounts. It feels like I need to and I have already posted on one of the social media apps – Strava – that I will be deleting my account. The next will be Instagram and Twitter. These apps tend to take up too much of my time and do not do anything for me, really. I look at my phone more because of them (well not Twitter) which takes me away from the goings on around me such a my kids, family and work.

I will likely keep FB, I am not very active on FB anyway but I may remove the app from my phone, though, in order to keep the distractions to a minimum.

So, very soon, I will be close to social media silence compared to what I was. I’m not sure what I will do with my freed up time. As it is, I am struggling with the last hours of the evening (6-9pm). It seems the evening hours never end. I am horribly bored! I use to have this issue before I met my current husband. I would get home from work, eat dinner and prep for the next day and then have nothing to do for the remainder of the evening. I remember my nightly routine consisted of taking a muscle relaxer and smoking pot to numb myself from the stark reality that was my then-life. No close friends, no hobbies, no interests other than my evening run or an occasional swim. This routine lasted a good six months until I decided I had to stop avoiding life and confront it. My first lesson was awful insomnia caused by a reliance on pot and muscle relaxers to get to sleep. Yuck!

Maybe I will just have to get back to reading books and doing more yoga to fill my time. I have no interest in being social. I’ve never been too good at it and people tend to exhaust me. Even when I use to be more social (waaaay back in 2003-2005) I often had to force myself to go to social gatherings and usually ended up sitting there thinking, “When can I go home?”

I find myself back to wondering, “Is this it?” when it comes to my life. I don’t have a bad life, either, I’m just bored as hell. Why do I get bored so easily? I am tired of seeing the same surroundings, doing the same things, eating the same foods (all foods really), thinking the same thoughts and so on and so forth. Yet when I think of what to do to change things up I lose interest in trying. I feel like I’ve done it all already.

Purging

With all the above purging going on on the outside, some inner work and purging is going on on the inside. Though I don’t remember most of my dreams these days, I have been waking up in tears again, though nothing like in the past. Here is an example from a week ago:

January 27, 2019

I had lots of dreams but only recall a couple.

In the first I was braiding my hair. It was pulled back in a ponytail and I braided a long braid but then had to redo it because one strand of hair was left out. The second time I braided it, though, my hair looked like braided yarn, like a Cabbage Patch doll or something.

Then I was waiting for the school bus. The bus was late and when it arrived the driver informed everyone that the route was going to change so the stops and times would be different. I remember being on the bus and talking to others on it, all high school aged boys and talking about my time as a teacher of kids in the alternative education system and how it prepared me for difficult people and situations.

Then I was with a woman in the back yard of a house. There were two young children, a boy and a girl. As I watched them their story was relayed to me as if background information to what I was seeing. Their family was very poor and the children often did not eat all day. The parents both worked very hard and all day so the kids were left unsupervised until after dark. The father was an alcoholic so much of the money he made went to his drink. The mother was very angry and resentful of her situation and life in general and was not very loving at all to her kids. In fact, she treated them as if they were a burden to her.

I watched as the two children picked apples from a tree. The little girl looked very sad and I tried talking to her to cheer her up but she seemed not to hear me. The woman with me said that the apples were all they had to eat all day and that they had to pick them or else be beaten and go hungry. Some apples were hard to reach and so I offered to climb the ladder to get them. When I picked them the backside of the green apple was rotten. There were two more, both seeming to have partially grown into the tin roof of the house. When I pulled them off one was rotten and the other was not. There were some other apples I could not get to and had to leave on the tree.

Then the woman and I decided to buy the family pizza to help them out. We went inside and sat down. The woman ordered the pizza and when it arrived set it in the middle of the living room table. I remember looking into my wallet and seeing a $50 bill. I was surprised and suggested we give it to the family so their children could have food but then I knew if I gave it to the parents they would not buy food but more alcohol.

We waited for the parents to arrive, which they did much later. The mom came in first, dressed in her work clothes and in a rush. Her energy was very off and I tried to look inconspicuous to avoid the onslaught of her frazzled energy. The woman with me said, “Look we got you pizza.” The woman took a slice and ate it talking about something else and completely ignoring the gift but acting like it was owed to them.

She went outside and I overheard her talking to her husband as he arrived about the pizza gift. She was very controlling and insisted he treat the gesture as a kind of gathering or event. Then they both came in and I mentioned the pizza and she said something about all of us having cheese cake. I looked and saw the father had a huge cake. They ignored the pizza and us and focused on the cake which upset me because I knew the wife had told her husband to buy the cake so they would not look to be in need. He had spent all their money on a cake which would not be nourishing to the kids just so they looked like they didn’t need our help.

The mother went up to my friend and thanked her for the pizza but completely ignored me. This angered me and I said something about how I was the one who bought the pizza and that she should be grateful that we cared enough to help. I said, “I won’t be doing this again.” My anger turned into compassion and then grief as I said to her, “I know you’re a good person.” I then walked over to the husband who was sitting at the table completely out of it and drunk. I put my hand on his shoulder, tears pouring out of my eyes, and said to him, “Especially you. I know you are good.” When I said this he turned to look at me, completely unaware of his surroundings and so drunk that he had no idea who I was or what was going on. I was overcome with emotion at the situation and began to sob uncontrollably.

Interpretation

When I woke up my pillow was completely soaked. The grief I felt was for the children. It felt so unfair that they should have to endure that life, a life without love. And then I grieved for the parents, too, who were selfish and “asleep”. Then I grieved for the world and all humanity because I knew that was a reality for so many. I remember thinking to my guide, “Why??”

When I remembered the dreams before the last one I knew the braiding of my hair was preparation for what was to come. Braids = courage. The school bus is a lesson and another preparation. I was saying I was prepared because of my time working with certain populations of kids. Then the lesson is about the suffering of the world. The green apples are about love or love that has yet to blossom. The rotten apples indicate neglect and carelessness. The parents then chose selfish indulgences (cake) over wholeness and abundance (pizza).

These kinds of dreams always leave me feeling depleted inside. My heart cannot contain my grief at the state of humanity. I try to convince myself in the dream that they are “good” people and do not intend harm but their lack of awareness is painful to watch, especially how it affects their children.

Then last night I was crying in my dreams again.

I was in a classroom (lessons). I went in to visit my mother (aspect of self) and took over her class for a while acting as a substitute. The elementary aged children began to come into the class and were milling about. I walked among them and noticed they were all sitting on the floor drawing pictures on the white tiles. I asked them to wipe away their drawings and mentioned that it was good they did not use permanent (something with long-lasting affect) markers. The kids didn’t know what those were so I described what they were in a kind of mini-lesson.

Then a physically challenged man came into the room with an assistant and sat down in a desk that had walls around three sides (feeling caged in). I spoke with him and he explained that he could have had surgery to fix his ailments (can’t recall what is was now) but he chose not to because he wanted to remain whole and himself. He seemed quite grumpy to me, though, and as I spoke to him more something caused me to tear up and I began to cry.

Later in the dream, I was speaking to my “mother” about her teaching and how she loved her students. I recognized I had the same love for mine and began to sob uncontrollably. It woke me up but I fell back to sleep soon after.

Then I was in a car (life path). It was dark (can’t or unwilling to see) and my husband was driving. He stopped at a pharmacy (healing) and I lingered in the car, tired and sick, with my children. I remember knowing I was late because I overslept. I waited as my husband talked with the pharmacist to get an old prescription I had for congestion filled. Eventually, I went inside with the kids to check on things because it was taking a long time. The pharmacist, who looked like my OB-GYN from when I had my babies, handed me pinkish colored pills (love) in packaging. I could see there were about 10 pills. I thanked her, saying, “I knew I had an old prescription still.” She told me to take two and to see my doctor if I still felt bad.

Throughout these dreams I was talking with someone behind the scenes. I only recall bit and pieces of the conversation and certain energetic sensations. There was a message about having “work done”, like a procedure, and I remember seeing someone getting heart surgery. I watched as they used a staple gun to suture up flesh and bone around the chest cavity. The man was awake while they did this, too. It was really weird!

When I woke up my throat was full of congestion and I have been coughing a bit this morning.

Depression, Anxiety and Containment

Lately I have been feeling a type of depression that really worries me. It is really dark and hopeless. It is not the decimated feeling that I had in 2016. It feels more like actual depression but it is different than the depression I have managed all of my life. There is this inner panic or anxiety that really concerns me. It feels like there is someone inside me clawing to get out, panicking to free themselves from the cage that is me, or at least the me I project outwardly to others. I restrain her but when I do it makes me feel energetically unwell, like I am going to break into a million pieces if I do not let her out. Similar to the decimated feeling, there is a sense that I am going to literally cease to be if this part of me is let out. I believe this depression stems form the feeling I was having back in December where I was feeling energetically sick to the point that I felt at any moment I would lose my mind and do something really out of character to the point of insanity.

I don’t like feeling this way. It is the sense of losing control that does not sit well with me. I believe the mild anxiety and panic attacks I’ve been having go along with this feeling of losing control. Every time I get in the car now I have to fight off anxiety arising from thoughts that somehow what I am experiencing isn’t real but a dream and I will leave my body at any moment or lose consciousness in the middle of rush hour traffic. The thoughts always precede the panic and I know how to control them, and I do but it is exhausting.

The thoughts I tend to have are, “This intersection looks like that intersection (the one I use to always have panic attacks at)” followed by, “What if I have a panic attack? What if I pass out?”. Then I have flashes of these things happening and the panic sets in and all I want to do is turn the car around or find a place to park or jump out of the car and run away.

When I go for runs it is similar. The other day I ran a different route with my dog, thinking it would be nice but feeling uneasy regardless. I had to stop mid-way because I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe and began to get light headed. Again, the thoughts preceded the panic. I think things like, “OMG, I am having trouble breathing. My heart rate is high. What if I pass out and no one knows how to contact my kids? How will they know I’m okay? Who will tell them?” I end up having to walk it out to calm down and the farther I run from my home, the more likely I will have a panic attack. I have started to take my phone with me when I run, just in case I do pass out and they need to contact a family member.

I have never passed out on a run. I have never passed out in the car. In fact, I’ve never passed out in my entire life. Ha!

The only thing I can figure from all the above is that I am at a point where I cannot ignore certain things. The more I ignore or deny them, the more depression and anxiety will result. My best bet at this time is to seek help with identifying and confronting the underlying issues, whatever they may be. In the past, I have done this by going into session, but I don’t know if this will be feasible.

I worry (yes ugh) that I will end up being unable to contain the me that is inside clawing to get out. She scares me for some reason. I don’t know why. She can’t be that bad. She is me, after all. Yet, the sense is that if she gets out my life will fall apart at the seams. The problem is that I don’t know what she wants. The not-knowing is what is scary. I don’t think I can know until she is let out. So it comes down to two options: 1. Keep her contained and continued to struggle with the above conditions escalating. or 2. Let her out and see what all the fuss is about.

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Light-Headed Low Blood Sugar Blues

Yesterday was yet another not-so-good day.

Light-Headed Low Blood Sugar Blues

I am two weeks into my new workout regime which consists of strength training and cardio 4 times a week. My goal is to gain muscle and lose fat. I have a personal trainer every other week, so this week I am on my own.

This workout started with 20 minutes on the elliptical trainer. About 15 minutes in I began to zone out and feel faint. Right as I ended the workout I had to get off and walk around to shake off the jitters.

I heard my guide say, “You are not grounded” and this made sense. So I did an ab circuit and after I felt good enough to do the rest of my workout. However, by the time I got into the car to drive home I was shaky again and had to eat a protein bar. Thankfully it worked by the time I got to the grocery store.

These episodes are low blood sugar episodes and I am very familiar with them. Unfortunately, they trigger mild panic attacks and I hate those. My heart felt weird, like it does when the chakra is activated, and this is hard to ignore. I was talking myself down from panic most of the drive to the store.

The rest of the day I ate like a never-ending pit. Yet the low blood-sugar blues hit me hard in the evening. All this means is that I get irritable and cranky, tired and quick to anger. I ate and ate, hoping to fix the issue but it seemed not to be enough. I was absolutely awful last night because of it.

I lost my temper so many times last night I have lost count. Everything set me off. Then things kept going wrong.

My youngest was in a strange mood, crying and going into a rage when I would not pick him up. He got so mad at me that he started ramming his whole little body into a door to show me how mad he was! He cried endlessly for over an hour even when I held him.

My son’s endless tantrum throwing caused me to be late to the bus stop to pick up my daughter and I got a call to come pick her up at the school. My MIL went to get her but was late and that made us late for my daughter’s eye appointment. Then the eye appointment dragged on and on well into dinner time. Turns out she needed reading glasses (WTF?) so we went to get some for her at Wal-Mart and so did not eat until well after 6pm.

This delay of dinner time was the last straw. I guess my body just is not adapting as well to the changes imposed upon it. I will have to plan better in the future!

BTW, it’s Normal

It is normal for one’s metabolism to increase significantly when they start a weight lifting routine like I did. In two weeks I have lost 4 pounds despite increasing my caloric intake from 1600/day to 2100/day. I am now going to have to increase my calories to 2300/day. This is very hard for me to do and I actually gag on food because I get so tired of eating it. Hopefully my metabolism levels out soon!

Yet I suspect that all this physical change mixed with the spiritual changes I have been experiencing is the cause for the significant reaction I had yesterday to an otherwise “normal” workout. I was told a while back to lay off the intense weight lifting and I did at that time and felt recently it was okay to resume. I still feel it is, however, I think more needs to be done to make the transition less bumpy.