Tag Archives: stress

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Stressed Out

My sister is in the Heart Hospital in Austin now waiting to see if they will do the surgery she needs. Her husband checked her out of the other hospital because they were not helping her. He was going to drive her to Houston but she was feeling bad and so they cut their journey short. Her chest was hurting her and her fever was coming back.

When I last spoke to her she was feeling good and hopeful to finally get the care she needs. Her cardiologist took the time to hear her story and told her under no circumstances should she check herself out of the hospital again. She said he told her, “You need to get this fixed now.”

Too Much Stress

The stress of my life right now is beginning to manifest physically, emotionally and spiritually. The itchy eczema spots continue to drive me crazy and are not going away. I fear I may need to get a prescription to nip them in the bud.

Yesterday the stress of everything hit me hard. My energy was nearly gone. Regular daily tasks “hurt” to do and I began to lose my voice. It is rare that I lose my voice. It only happens when my stress levels reach a critical high. Not good!

Spiritually my dreams are getting really weird. Two nights about, about an hour or so after falling asleep, I had this odd OBE type experience where I perceived someone was trying to take over my body while I slept. This reminded me of another incident when a woman in spirit attempted to come into my body and take over while I was still in it. So I quickly rushed back into my sleeping body and woke suddenly, heart pounding with a pain in my stomach like IBS.

Earlier this week I had another incident where I woke up in a panic, too, heart pounding thinking I was going to die. I can’t recall the specifics of that incident anymore but I think it was similar to the above.

I had a dream last night where I saw a doe laying on the ground breathing and moving slightly. When I went to investigate the head was separated and being dragged away by someone/something. The head was also moving as if still alive. It was creepy. My feeling is that it represents how I have been feeling lately – disconnected from my feminine, nurturing side and from my family/domestic life.

In another dream I was unable to call my husband and spent most of the dream trying to contact him via other people’s phones. Phones are communication so I must be feeling out of communication with my husband, which does make sense.

My Nephew

As a favor to my Mom and sister, I took my nephew in over the weekend. The intent was for him to stay for a week or more to give my Mom a break, but that is not how it turned out.

The first day I had my nephew I realized there may be a glitch in my plan. As the day progressed, my nephew began to wear out my two boys with his constant movement. He rarely if ever stops moving. He reminds me of a ping pong ball with all the changes in direction he makes. His energy is erratic, like he has a near compulsion to move all the time. The feeling of it is hard to describe. I feel it in my core and it is not comfortable. I don’t think I have ever felt something like it except when very unbalanced and mentally pulled in many directions by life. My mind is chaotic so much so that I have to go for a long walk, take epsom salt baths and breathe deeply to get the feeling to settle but even that feeling doesn’t come close to what I feel from my nephew. 

My husband was working all day on engineering drawings for an addition to the office space at work so he didn’t really have time to notice the energy. However, when I told him my nephew had asked to go back my Mom’s because my sons were not playing with him non-stop he mentioned the energy in our house was feeling “off”. I nodded and said, “It’s him (my nephew). He just can’t stop moving and he is wearing us all out.” My husband confirmed he thought I was right and pulled my nephew in for a talk to him to see if he could get any info out of him. He asked him several times how he felt. His response was just, “Good.” The more questions my husband asked him, the more he began to twitch from standing still. His eyes would go to all different places, his hands would move, his mannerism was discomfort, his attention was elsewhere. 

My sense is that he is not fully in his body. 

I spoke to my Mom about my observations, told him my sister told me would would settle down after a while and asked, “Does he settle down?” My Mom said, “Not really.” We compared notes and when I said, “When he stops moving he either starts to fall asleep or he is eating.” My Mom laughed and said, “Yep!” I questioned how they handled him at school. She said they likely have him occupied with many things, using stations and scheduling all movements, directing him and focusing his hyperactivity. She told me her solution was to buy him the Minecraft game so that he would stop moving and give her a break. I relayed to her that computer games didn’t work when he was with me. He still jumped up and changed directions, moving from one play scenario to another, usually mid-play.

I have to admit I was relieved to drop off my nephew at my Mom’s house. When I got home I was finally able to rest. The strange energy was gone and my eldest son even mentioned how different it felt when we got home. This morning my voice has returned and I feel much more relaxed and calm.

I now know I cannot manage my sister’s child long-term. It would sap my energy and focus most if not all of my attention on him, placing my own children in second. He most definitely needs intensive counseling of some type and his school will likely recommend he see a child specialist to see if he has ADHD if he continues this behavior into first and second grade. My husband would not allow for a diagnosis of ADHD because he, like me, believes those labels are mostly meant to help those around the child more than the child. They don’t target the underlying cause. I tend to agree and though I want to help my nephew, I just don’t have the energy to help him and am not willing to sacrifice my relationship with my own children or my own health (mental, physical, etc). 

So hopefully I can just take him for a day or two here and there (weekends mainly) to give my Mom a break while my sister goes through her healing journey. Hopefully she does heal and things can move toward healing of everyone in her family. It not, and it ends up that someone has to take Landon long-term, I have to say no to being the one to do that. 

Right now my Mom is the one who will take my sister into her home while she recovers from her surgery (if she gets one) and it is likely Landon will be there, too. Maybe my Mom can somehow figure out how to help him. IDK. I just have to leave it to God I guess.

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Message: All You Have to Do is Show Up

Yesterday was a rough day. When I woke up I was emotional and broke down into tears a couple of times over some personal struggles I have been experiencing.

On my morning walk I tried to process my overwhelm without success. Toward the end I spotted something on the side of the road. I picked it up. It was a cell phone someone had tossed. The front screen was cracked and the back panel was missing. The battery was still in tact. My first thought was, “Broken communication”. I took it inside and let my daughter try to see if it could be salvaged. It couldn’t.

Not long after my mom forwarded me a message she received from my BIL concerning my sister:

This is what’s about to happen. Today the doctor from infectious disease is going to call me and let me know if any other hospital has accepted her [my sister]. If none has I’m taking her out of the hospital and driving her to St. Luke’s in Houston. The doctor told me this as a friend he said cause he could lose his license for telling me that. He told me her valve could go at anytime and he said the hardheaded cardio doctor was wrong in not doing the surgery. He said they have the Staff at bay for now but her valve is so weak it could quit at anytime. What I think we will do is take her out and they will prescribe her the antibiotics she needs and I’ll take her home. Cause she misses [her son] so much. Let her see [him] for a day and then drive to Houston. I need you to keep him while we are in Houston. Do you understand everything I’ve said? Cause if we don’t get her surgery done immediately she only has days to live.

I immediately replied to my mom. She asked me to take my nephew for her when the time comes. I agreed. I asked her if she wanted me to come over, just to be present for her. She said she was laying face down on the floor, devastated over the news but she didn’t ask for me to come. I knew it was because she had her husband for help but also because my presence would likely cause her to be unable to contain her emotion.

The entire day was a rough one as I felt the overwhelm of carrying all the weight of what has been going on in my world. The events of 2014 came to mind and I questioned why it had to happen “all at once” like this?

I have a strong desire to return to my family’s land; to return to what I recognize now is my “safe place”. In fact, I just asked my mom the day before the above news if I could begin building a small home on her land so I could have a place to escape to. She eagerly agreed and seemed happy to accommodate my needs. When I realized she supported whatever I wanted to do I felt near tears with relief. I didn’t understand my reaction at the time. I do now. My wish to escape to my safe place indicates just how small and insignificant I have been feeling lately.

Today, the desire to escape has lessened some as I slowly begin to accept what I feel is coming. When I awoke this morning the memory of a previous dream was on my mind. The dream was called May Day and at the time I thought it may be indicative of something happening on May 1st. I realize now it was about needing help – as in Mayday.

As I reviewed the May Day dream I saw a connection to something that happened this morning. As I was lingering in bed in the in-between I was telling someone, “Two pizzas at once….” A visual of two pizzas was in my mind and at the same time I hear myself say over myself, “Twin.” The feeling I had was of being “full” like one would feel if they ate a whole lot.

In the May Day dream there was a whole section about pizza. I don’t think that is coincidence. In the dream I didn’t have enough pizza to give to all the children. My feeling is that this indicates that I feel unprepared, that my giving all of myself is not enough.

My sister was planning a wedding in the dream. To me this is symbolic of Union with Self which in physical reality terms can be likened to death, or leaving the body and returning Home where Union with Self then occurs. When I thought of this part of the dream this morning I knew that if my sister decides to leave this world she will do so without warning. One minute she will be here and the next she won’t. A part of me saw this as selfish. Doesn’t she care about Mom? Her son? But another understood that her path is her own to choose. If I were given the same choice under similar circumstances I would choose to go Home, too.

Physically I am once again experiencing eczema only this time it is over a much larger portion of my body. I am super itchy and it is annoying. My stress levels have been high and I only get eczema when I am super stressed out.

The messages coming from my guidance throughout this year suggest some major life changes approaching. I am slowly beginning to get an idea of what those changes might be. Their message has been to follow my heart for the most part, though the other morning I was told, “All you have to do is show up.”

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Crazy Week!

I finally got sleep. Slept in until 8:30am. No OBEs, lots of dreams but not too much dream recall now. I am still tired. It will take another few days to make up all that lost sleep.

So this week has been a doozie! IDK what kind of strange astrological, geomagnetic or spiritual shifting has been going on but it has been really shaking up my world, that’s for sure!

I’ll just start at the beginning.

First, my husband left for Florida. He will likely be gone until the end of October, maybe longer. This has been planned for a while, so no surprise. The thing is, every time he makes this trip (about every six months) all kinds of crap happens. For example, one time the a/c decided to stop functioning the day after he left. Another time the refrigerator stopped cooling and all our milk went sour the day after he left. So, every time he leaves I get on the defensive, waiting for something to break or worse.

The day before he left our place of employment, where my husband is general manager, got infected with ransomware. The entire system down, it was quite stressful for my husband. The ransom was eventually paid ($750) but it took half the week to restore 90% of the files and even by Friday things were not 100%. As a result, most of my workweek was unproductive because I could not use QuickBooks or access files which is about 90% of my job. No big deal, right? Well, yes it is because I want the pay and I can’t get paid if I have no work to do!

On the day of his departure I was awakened early (of course!) because he hadn’t realized his flight left on Monday. So, day one of lost sleep and then an unproductive work day and lost hours. Really, though, not a biggie considering I had to take my middle child to the dentist for his second round of cavity filling (ugh). That evening I decided to go to a local running group social run. It was fun but exhausting. I over did it just a tad.

The next couple of days were uneventful except for the loss of sleep and some financial issues I won’t go into detail about. I think my inability to sleep was a combination of all the stress I was experiencing and additional “mommy duties” to my already packed schedule.

Thursday morning I had to wake early to take my daughter to choir before school. Again, no sleep, despite running speed intervals the night before. Right before leaving my daughter dropped an entire glass of orange juice on the kitchen floor. It busted, broken glass and juice all over the place. I had to clean it before we left, which, if you’ve ever cleaned up juice, takes multiple pass overs with the mop.

While I mopped, my middle child decided to go to the bus stop early. When I went to retrieve him he refused to come back to the house so we could go by car to the school. I had to almost drag him back to the house. Then, when we got into the car, it was ransacked. I had accidentally left it unlocked and someone had combed our neighborhood for unlocked cars, found ours and took everything out of the glove compartment and console looking for valuables. Thankfully, there was nothing of value inside but the incident left me feeling violated most of the day and a bit paranoid that someone would come back at a later date to check out the rest of our property.

Yeah, Thursday was a really fun day (eye roll).

At work I was somewhat productive because QuickBooks was restored using my computer rather than the network. I spent most of the day playing catch up. My mind was full of fog and I felt as if I was walking around in the dream most of the day. I kept zoning out and could feel the beginnings of panic when I would snap back to present reality. No fun. I also think I was super open psychically because when the lady I am helping (the one with cancer) came in I began to feel this really crazy panicked feeling in my stomach that made me want to vomit. I could not pinpoint where the feeling came from but when I finally got into the car to leave, it vanished. Thus, I think I was picking up on her physical state. Thankfully, I had to leave work early to meet my middle son at the bus stop, so I didn’t have to feel that sick feeling for long.

Something odd that happened at work – my teeth started hurting for no reason. It was like I had braces all over again! It had me really worried. My teeth only hurt when pressure was applied to them and they were all teeth on the left side of my mouth. The sensitivity was gone by the next day. Weirdness!

That evening I opted to go to a breast cancer benefit I had been invited to on Monday. It went well and I had a good time. It was the highlight of my day and I thought for sure I would sleep that night because I was given a bottle of wine at the event. Sadly, a glass of wine did nothing for my sleep. 😦

My Friday began at 4:50am. My daughter burst through my bedroom door, waking me up prematurely because she had misread the time and thought she was late for the bus. My son had let the dog out and I had to retrieve him (for the 3rd time this week!). Thankfully I returned to sleep and went OOB for the first time in months as a result. The experience helped and I had a pretty good day. My coworker (the one with cancer) did not come in and QuickBooks went down again so I left early.

This morning I discovered a warped spot on our wood floor near the kitchen. Just one piece extending from the bar. On the other side is the dishwasher, which I ran on Sunday. We rarely ever use it so I’m guessing there is a leak. The board is located in a high traffic area and it is warped enough to notice under foot. So, yay, another “issue” that my husband would normally fix right away (he has a plumbing background and put in the wood floor himself). I am fed up with this wood floor now, though, and want it replaced with tile that doesn’t warp. We have several spots now, spanning the entire downstairs – one under the fish aquarium whose filter overflowed, another covering half the dining room and part of the living room from when our upstairs tub faucet leaked, and now this new area. I say be gone with it already! lol

october wallpaper HD

October Dread

For a while now I’ve been receiving messages about October. I am dreading the coming of next month. I have no specific details to relay, just a sense that some crazy changes are coming. If it is anything like this week then I am screwed. It doesn’t help that I received a message a while back about October indicating I would have a “heart attack”. Now, I doubt it is literal, though it sure felt like it at the time I received the message. I suspect something will happen that will “give me a heart attack” – so something surprising or shocking. Of all the things that could cause such a reaction, I am hoping for the positive ones. Maybe I will come into lots of money? lol Or, most likely, some kind of Kundalini event since the K energy has been so active in me this year. I have no clue and won’t speculate beyond the above. I am too busy (and exhausted) anyway.

Dreams

When I did get sleep this week, I had odd and vivid dreams. Here are a few:

In one dream I was in bed with a man just waking in the morning. He began to initiate sex with me but my daughter was in the room with a video camera taking video (worried about someone knowing or getting caught). I got upset with her and tried to get her to leave. She wouldn’t leave and I couldn’t be with the man. I got very upset. The man reminded me of a guy online who sometimes pops up in my dreams. He is not attractive at all to me and kind gross’ me out. lol

In another dream I was interacting with a woman I know who I don’t like very much, but tolerate. She is very “simple” minded with very little common sense. She had made cookies and misinterpreted my facial expression. She said, “Just get out.” She was insulted and I explained to her that my facial expression was not in response to what she had said. She had made tiny, square cookies (letting trivial matters annoy me) and wanted me to try one. I tasted them (guilty indulgences) and they were not very sweet (second guessing something). I thought they would be better with frosting. I asked if they were gluten free and she said they were. She left and I sat with the cookies in the kitchen for a while. I remember the woman returning and telling me about the photo album calendar she was making (she does this every Christmas). She asked if I would pay $14.50 for my portion. I was told my photo was not in it much (only 3 times). I knew it was because I rarely participated in family things. My husband advised me to not buy it because I was not in it. The calendar was shaped like a hamburger (wholeness).

I went directly into another dream. In it I was traveling to Montana (spiritual journey). Within the dream was a story about “Indians” who were migrating to Montana. I remember seeing the path up through the Dakotas and talking to someone about the journey. The Indian man I was talking to was not Native but Hindu (reference to Kundalini). I remember him having really dark Indian skin tone and thick black hair.

Then there was a dream scene of a plate of food. The meat was not meat but a pile of dry dog food (battling fidelity issues in a relationship). It was surrounded by other human food and made to look “normal”. It woke me up. lol

 

 

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Patterns

Yesterday I woke up in a sour mood. I hate it when that happens. Thankfully, the day morphed into a great day and, looking back, I think there is much to learn from what occurred.

Patterns

Perhaps it is the yoga I have now been doing for over two weeks. Or maybe it is my new job and the new people and challenges I encounter there. Or maybe it is the essential oils I have been using to help with my emotions. Finally, maybe it is the energetic changes that are wide spread right now, mine being particularly grueling. Whatever it is, I am beginning to see the patterns in my life. They are emerging along with huge shifts in mood and motivation.

1. I am not a morning person. I hate waking up and having to go right into life and the countless, repetitive tasks I must go through day in and day out. This has been a pattern in my life for as long as I can remember. I am not even sure when it started but I know for certain I was this way in my teens.

2. I am a mess of stress. Stressful thoughts follow me everywhere. My mind is worry machine. My body screams at me with tension every morning when I wake up and throughout the day. My back is especially hard hit.

3. I am also a perfectionist. This goes along with my constant worrying and stress. You can’t be a perfectionist without worry and stress. If things don’t go the way I planned I get irritated and frantic. I am not as bad as I once was, but I am still pretty darn bad.

4. I am a creature of habit. Although I swear I hate the repetitive routines of my life, I take comfort in them and look forward to the reassurance they offer me. I often don’t do new things because they are not part of my routine, though every once in a while I will take the plunge and do something new and unexpected.

5. My life mirrors me. What I mean in that is that I attract that which I send out. For example, in the past, when I gave readings (mediumship or other) there was always a message in the reading that not only helped the sitter but also helped me. Even now, when I meet with someone to help them their issues are always eerily similar to my own. And I am definitely not blind to it. So I take each encounter as a learning experience.

time_joakim_kraemer_photography_Synchronicity

I am also seeing the messages popping up everywhere and they point at wide scale change within me.The messages mostly come in the form of synchronicity. Yoga was the first big message that came to me that way, but I was especially dense when it came to hearing it. Once I realized that messages were coming in this way, though, I began to take notice of them.

Currently, the message I am getting is that I need to work on my circular thinking patterns. Mainly, my worry brain. The message first came through at work and continues to reappear there. First it came with just being told that anxiety was a major concern. Then it began to appear weekly and then daily. I was encouraged to look into CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) as I began to problem solve situations that continued to arise. This message was reinforced when I got a private message from a friend of mine mentioning the exact therapy!

If you don’t know much about CBT, this is what Wikipedia says about it:

A psychotherapeutic approach that addresses dysfunctional emotions, maladaptive behaviors and cognitive processes and contents through a number of goal-oriented, explicit systematic procedures. The name refers to behavior therapy, cognitive therapy, and to therapy based upon a combination of basic behavioral and cognitive principles and research. Most therapists working with patients dealing with anxiety and depression use a blend of cognitive and behavioral therapy. This technique acknowledges that there may be behaviors that cannot be controlled through rational thought. CBT is “problem focused” (undertaken for specific problems) and “action oriented” (therapist tries to assist the client in selecting specific strategies to help address those problems).

There is also the message that I need to work on my past issues from school. Not only do I get this message almost daily from my work encounters but I was basically told that by a superior of mine. He said that we are drawn to work with the age-groups we do because we have not resolved issues from that time in our lives. Bulls-eye! He could not have said it better. And what has been happening since then? I have been having dreams involving issues from my school years, specifically group situations in which I struggled. At the same time I am encountering similar situations in the clients I work with. And these are long-standing issues because I am devoted over 10 years of my life to resolving issues from my school years. Ouch. I sure hope that I can propel healing in these areas and free myself of this cycle.

Healing

Finally, there is the healing that has hit me twice as hard since my move. The up’s and down’s of my emotions have made it the most difficult healing I have ever experienced except maybe the time when I went through my dark-night-of-the-soul. This is very, very similar, though.

Yoga, I think, is helping, though right now it seems to be accelerating the uncomfortable parts of the process. I am much more aware of my body and so I am more aware of how much stress I carry in my body. I am listening, though, and taking time to relax when my body signals me to. I recently got a book from a friend about healing emotions with essential oils and have been adding oils into my daily regime. So far I have not noticed much but I need to give it time. I have this intense urge to accelerate my already accelerated healing. I am not even sure this is a good thing but I have to trust my intuition on this.

The kundalini energy I was experiencing has stopped, for now. I did wake up the other night feeling it starting to rise, but it kept waking me up and it seems that me being conscious immediately stopped it. It never got past my second chakra. This is a disappointment for me. So I have been meditating more. Meditation not only helps with my stress but also encourages healing.

I did have a breakthrough yesterday with stopping my circular thinking. I spent 6 hours painting three bedrooms. It was a family effort actually and my kids ended up covered in paint (all but the baby). I went to bed exhausted and happy. I also realized that not once while I was painting did I think about anything except the moment I was in. What bliss! It was wonderful to not be burdened with excessive worry for 6 hours. I think I can use my experience to help me experience longer and longer periods of being in the moment. My husband said it right – the more purpose we have, the happier we are. I guess it works even if our purpose is to paint three bedrooms!