I have been trying to make sense out of what is happening to me ever since my kundalini experience on the 12th. I am stumped. Why would all of that happen and then suddenly stop? Not only that, but the OBEs and lucid dreams that led up to the kundalini stopped as well. I feel as if I were built up and built up with exciting prospects for change only to be allowed to fall back down and be left to ponder what happened and flounder about in the physical. I feel completely let down and abandoned.

No More School

In a dream I visited a university campus. I felt very at home there and wished to stay but I knew it was just a visit. This saddened me and I spent as much time as I could there mingling with other students and visiting areas of the campus I was familiar with.

I recall going to the lobby of the dorms and seeing other students waiting in line for the keys to their mail boxes. I told them they would be waiting a while because I had waited and never gotten my keys. I then stopped and ate some chocolate fudge that was left there for the students. When I turned to look back, the students had gotten their mailbox keys. I wondered why I never got mine and it bothered me.

I went into the elevator and a young man pushed the number 6 and then the number 7. I thanked him, thinking he pushed the number 6 for me since that was my floor, but he looked at me strangely and I quickly realized he had just pushed his own floor number. I got out at the sixth floor and then found myself going back down and to the gym available to the students of the university. I watched the students going into the gym and waited, deciding to come back later and leaving again for my room to get my ID. I never went back because there was no ID to get. I was not going to be a student anymore. I graduated.

I met up with some rough looking guys, people I would never hang out with. I talked to them but I do not remember what we talked about. I left the university with them, though, and headed on a road out of town. I was in the lead driving but had no car, it was more like I was floating. I had to stop at a car wash where there was lined up many trucks. They left only one lane of traffic and I led the others out and around the parked trucks.

The dream ended with me grieving about not getting to stay. I told someone who was with me, “I want to stay here”. As I grieved I felt my root chakra activate and huge amounts of the energy shot up through me and into my physical body. I did not wake up, which would be the usual. Instead I continued in the dream and in grief.

Graduated

I woke up feeling very disappointed and sad. Though I did not get a direct message, I knew what the dream meant. I was no longer going to be going to “school”. I had graduated. I got the message earlier in the week that I had graduated but I assumed it meant I went to a new school and that more was awaiting me. I had gotten my hopes up for nothing. There would be no more school. I was done with whatever it was I was doing. I am not even sure now what that was. Maybe it was “ascension” or maybe it was just an adjustment of some sort. I do know that nothing is going on now. I am back to “normal”, or maybe even below normal as I am not having much in the way of spiritual experiences.

I tried to go back to sleep and soon found myself walking through a door that led into a dark room. My awareness peaked suddenly and I began to cry as I realized where I was and what was happening. I was being brought into a room by one of my guides. It was dimly lit but my vision turned on suddenly with my awareness and I saw lanterns lit along the sides of the room. It was a golden color and the feeling was that I was being brought in to receive a message.

Unfortunately, my awareness was too much and so I stopped the encounter with my guide before it began. I was only able to receive the calming energy that hit me in waves starting in my left side and radiating out my right side and up and down my entire body. I was too upset to allow it to continue for long, though. I told my guide immediately that I felt abandoned. He, of course, told me instantly that was not the case. I did not want to hear what he had to say. I knew he was going to tell me that I was done with whatever I had been doing, that the original plan had been changed, reasons unknown to me.

I got very upset because there is little I enjoy about the physical life I live right now. I look forward only to my sleep where I can escape into dreams that hopefully will turn lucid or where I can go OOB. Each morning when I wake up to realize I have once again not been allowed these little pleasures leaves me feeling that much more disinterested in life.

I was told this later on this morning:

To remain balanced between the Spiritual and the physical is a challenge few take on. It is worthy of only a few and you are one of the few. Beware indulgence in one or the other for you are both and to deny one is to deny part of yourself.

This only confirmed what I had assumed – that I am not continuing the spiritual transformation at this time because I need to focus on the physical. It is very frustrating because all the physical has to offer me is less than pleasant. For example, my baby is going through the clingy stage. If he is not in my lap or in my arms then he is crying non-stop. I cannot be alone without having to endure his cries, which to a mother is total torture. I would like nothing better than to fast forward time past this stage for it is my least favorite. I see so many women my age celebrating the graduation of their children and I envy them. Why did I wait so long to have children? I am too old for this.

I am told that it is time to move to the next “level” – whatever that means. From what I can make of the information I came back with from dreamland this morning, that level involves being a “teacher”. All I can think of is the countless days ahead of me spent tending to my children and it is overwhelming. I have concluded that I am just not very good at being a mother. Yet that seems to be what my guides are pushing me to focus upon. I would much rather have to endure a catastrophe where a bomb hits my house and I suffer horrible pain but then die a quick death than endure the suffering of a mother. Perhaps that is the “warrior” in me coming out. I have to laugh a bit at this because most would not want the pain of a horrible death and here I am not a bit afraid of that yet terrified of the prospect of being a mom! Ha!

Touche.