I went to bed early feeling very conflicted yet again. My heart was painful – shooting pains straight to the center. It started to make me worry that I may have a heart issue. Of course, as soon as I began to worry the pain stopped.

Dream: Dead Babies

I had a very odd dream in which I was with a family. There was a young man with dark hair who I recall knowing since he was a boy. He was all grown up and was being given his old horse back. I remember seeing the horse and thinking it didn’t have much life left in it. Then a young, blonde girl who was in her early teens entered the scene and the feeling was that she and the man were to be married. There was some upset, though, and the church was having to deal with massive flooding in L.A. The flooding was so bad that it flooded the crypts of a church and tons of bodies were floating about in the murky water, the bodies of babies. I saw them piled up, one on top of the other. They all looked perfectly preserved, eyes open and naked like little cherub dolls. I was horrified in the dream and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The pile was as tall as a person! They explained that there would be more bodies and that these needed to be buried. I went to help, touching one of the babies whose eyes stared at me blankly. I remember wanting to chop them into little pieces, to destroy them. It was disturbing.

When I woke up it was 5am and I was very upset by the dream, feeling it indicated that my dreams and hopes for the future were “dead”. I agonized over it for a while, feeling unable to pull myself out of the despair. I saw each dead baby as a dream that would never come to fruition. Interestingly, when I looked it the symbolism, dead babies symbolizes the end of something that was once a part of me. What that something it is, I don’t know for sure, but it upset me.

Semi-Lucid Dream: Review

Somehow I fell back to sleep and entered into yet another dream scenario. In it I was in a car with one of my ex-boyfriends. I remember being happy to see him and feeling attracted to him, wanting to stay close to him. It was not a sexual attraction, just a desire to be close. We drove to a restaurant with our friends and went to get food from the buffet line. I went with him and watched as he ordered a salad. I ordered fried fish and began to return to the table.

Only I didn’t go to the table, instead I got back in my car and drove back toward my old house along the familiar route I took more times than I can count. I was going very, very fast and feeling pretty happy. I turned the corner and saw a dark haired man on a bicycle in front of me. He was pedaling as fast as I was driving but I was catching up quickly. I swerved and then turned around to avoid him but he turned and followed me. Both of us were extremely thrilled to be flying down the hill.

Then I saw a huge, black semi-truck barreling down the road toward me. I went into the ditch to avoid it and saw it as it flew by. It was so black that I couldn’t make out any identifying features other than the grill on the front. It was like someone had covered it in soot. It was almost imperceptible and I remember thinking it should have its headlights on.

I continued on the road and as I did I began to see images and memories of men who I had been in relationships with. These men, however, were men who had wronged me in some way, who had rejected, cheated or lied to me. There was so much information and memory all at once that it was like a life review of some sort. I remembered being “wronged” by these men and how it felt, how it tore at my heart but how I blocked ever feeling the pain and instead grew angry and resentful of them. I was reminded that I am not impervious to pain; that even if I don’t allow myself to feel and process the pain, that it is there nonetheless and needs to be confronted. I had a full-on memory of a dream encounter with one of my ex’s. The dream in it’s entirety was relived. This particular ex kissed another woman in a bar and told me about it and I ended it straight away. He later emailed me to see if what we had could be rekindled, apologizing for his behavior and leaving an opening for something to develop. I sent him a pic of my family and he got angry and critical saying to me, “Oh you fell for that bullshit” –  meaning the whole get married and have kids scenario. I also remembered the ex who was married and how he was awful with communication, often going weeks without any contact. How he promised things but never fulfilled those promises and then how he expected me to just fall into his arms after months of no contact.

All the time I was re-experiencing these memories I was floating above the road I traveled countless times to my old childhood home and the country home I sold in 2014. I became lucid toward the end of this and told my guides, “I want to go back.” “Back” meaning to the scene at the restaurant. As soon as I said this I saw the scene in front of me shift and the road and surrounding trees morphed into a beautiful green slide that I went down, closing my eyes and allowing the fall to take me where it would.

I found myself in the buffet line again and went and sat down. I sat next to my ex and there was recognition that all the times I had felt an intense attraction or draw to a man that I had been hurt or rejected. This was not to remind me that it would happen again but to remind me of the impact it had on me. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?

Then I was very aware of being in my bed and hearing my daughter in the room. I talked to her, telling her it was okay, that she didn’t wake me. I knew I was dreaming but I had this overwhelming exhaustion that made it difficult to take charge of my dream and go OOB. Instead, I just allowed the dream scene and then woke up not long after.

When I woke up I felt 100% better than I did when I had fallen asleep at 5am. I am not sure why that is because the dream itself indicated I have issues with rejection that have not been addressed. The song “The Words” was going through my head again – “And I know, the scariest part is letting go, cause love is a ghost you can’t control….” I am a bit tired of hearing that song. What am I letting go of?

In-Between

Upon waking I felt much more heart centered and there were 12 guides around me. They said, “We are helping you.” I accepted this but there was a lot going through my mind and I kept slipping into the in-between. There was a vision of a cell phone that was completely black except the bottom which flashed 11:11. Then I had a flash of taking a pink hand towel and putting it on a towel rack in the garage. There was a short lucid dream in which I was asked for Tums and I handed the bottle to someone and heard myself say, “Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb…” like in the commercial. Finally, there was a sentence that woke me up completely. A male voice said, “We are rapists of ideology.”  That sentence woke me up. It is still bothering me because of its profundity.

Physically I have been feeling ill/lethargic. I am having digestive/stomach issues, heart pain, throat pain and headaches. Whatever I am clearing is BIG and I hope that it is over soon.

I got to sleep in until almost 9pm, so nearly 11 hours. I must have needed the sleep. I have been sleeping very deeply and unable, for the most part, to remember my dreams. I was able to remember the last dream, however, and it was quite strange.

Dream: Fireweed

I was in Alaska for some reason and inside a very large, white pick-up truck. I was sitting in the passenger’s seat and a man told me, “Put your hands on the wheel with mine.” I did as I was told, putting my hands on the right side of the steering wheel. I saw his two hands join mine at the “10 and 2” position. He said told me “We” can do this together.

The truck was going very, very fast. As I approached a main highway I saw a man inside a truck waiting for me to turn. He was waving me to go and had a smile on his face. His truck was positioned right in the middle of the two lanes of traffic. Cars were speeding by in both directions. I realized he was telling me it was safe to go and I turned left in front of him and got into the far left lane of traffic and went through the light, which I assume was green, though I never saw it.

Then I was with a group of people and being welcomed into a house. I felt that I had been away a long time, that I knew these people and had visited them before. There was a small dark-haired boy, about the age of 7, who was there. He was unable to walk on his own but was extremely smart and articulate for his age. There were also strange looking dogs with long snouts resembling something from a Sci-Fi movie. Wolf hounds or something like that, which were gray and had strange fur. They were nice, though, and did as they were told.

I went inside the house and greeted my old friends. I recognized my friend Eric Starwalker and he stayed with me most of the dream. I was hungry and thirsty and the women there were offering me food and drink.

Then I was outside on a path with a man. He stopped and said, “I see something. Hold on.” He bent over to pick it up and I said, “It’s a snake skin. That’s the same snake we saw this time last year.” He picked up a snake skin and then rustled around in the leaves and found the snake. It was a vivid red and quite fat, almost looking like a worm except it was way too big for that. We both looked at it in amazement and I noticed it was twice the size it had been last year.

The boy who couldn’t walk had been set down and was crying to see the snake. I went over and picked him up and let him see it. He was heavy but I liked holding him and wanted to keep holding him. He clung to me like a baby clings to his mom. Something was comforting about having him in my arms.

I carried the boy with me for some time. We went into the house and I sat the boy down.  At some point, my friend Eric and I had a long conversation about marijuana. He asked me how long it had been since I had smoked it and I told him 9 years. We had a long discussion then about the benefits of medicinal plants including marijuana, psilocybin and ayahuasca. I remember asking him if it was bad to include it as part of one’s spiritual practice. He told me it wasn’t bad if used properly.

Then I was sitting next to a man with dark hair who was somehow related to the young boy who I was so attached to. They were playing a game and he was showing me the characters of the game. They were inside a black box lined with a velvety material. The characters were literally characters, Light Codes, and of varying colors, and seemed magnetized to one another. The most prominent color was white but there was also blue and green. I remember wanting one of the blue ones for some reason and being fascinated by the characters. He told me, “I can teach you how to play if you like.” I was willing and felt a deep connection with the man.

I sat behind this dark haired man, very close to him with my legs up next to his. Our feet touched and then our legs and with this contact I could sense his thoughts/feelings. There was a draw here to be close to him then and I wrapped my arms around him from behind and began to kiss and snuggle his neck and shoulders.

There were messages being sent to me at this time in what appeared to be email but it was received in my mind. The message I saw was about Fireweed. It was like an information sheet and I saw the word, “FIREWEED” printed on the top and below it was a poem about the plant and its uses. My first thought was that this was about weed (marijuana) and since the email was from my friend Eric, I accepted the message as an invitation to smoke some with him, which I intended to do. The email background was entirely black and the letters were a crimson and seemed to shimmer as I read them.

Considerations

When I woke my first memory was of the little boy who was unable to walk but who was extremely smart. He liked me and clung to me and I felt very attached to him as if he was my own child. Similarly I was drawn to the dark haired man who was a relative or caretaker of this young boy. I suspect that they are one in the same and that the boy is the inner child of the man, who represented my counterpart.

I then remembered that I recently had a dream where a man had lost both of his legs. I was giving him a mediumship reading in the dream and remember he had lost his legs in battle. I suspect the loss of movement is what is being relayed by both dreams. This dream indicates that this loss of movement stems from childhood, perhaps around the age of 7.

The other interesting part of this dream is the entire discussion about medicinal plants to help one in expanding their awareness. Much of the dream was a discussion of such plants starting with marijuana and expanding to psilocybin and ayahuasca. In the dream I was very wary of using any of them and had directly asked if using them was a good idea. I was told yes and encouraged to explore them again as I had once done (well not ayahuasca). In my research of Fireweed (the Alaska state flower and a plant I am very familiar with since I lived there for over a year), I discovered that Fireweed was once used by early pioneers in ale as an intoxicating beverage that had hallucinatory potential when mixed with another plant. I never knew that! It may also be connected to the “fire” of the Kundanili and this symbolism is supported by the snake which was red and one I had seen before. The snake grew to double its size and there was reference to me finding it last year at this time. I suspect if I were to look through my blog posts from that time period I would find a Kundalini experience and maybe even a snake dream.

There was also encouragement in the dream to “take the wheel” that is my life. It was made very clear that I am not alone by the fact that another set of hands was on the wheel with mine. This message was reinforced by two songs that came to mind upon waking. They are songs I have received before as messages. The first was The Words by Christina Perri. The lyrics I heard were, “And I know, the scariest part is letting go..” The other song was by Counting Crows, A Murder of One. I was reminded of this song recently on my trip back from Tennessee. I had the idea to create a playlist of all the songs my guides have used to pass on messages to me. That song was one of the first used and has been used multiple times over the years. It was used when I lived in Alaska so it is not a surprise that it came up again after a dream of being in Alaska. This morning the specific part was, of course, the “Change, change, change” part. That is typically the message it is used to convey.