Recently I stated that I had not made much progress in the last couple of years and that my blog was losing followers because of it. Well, when I woke this morning I knew that this was not true. It was as if I had been discussing it in my dreams and then woke up Knowing I had sold myself short by making that statement as it is most obviously NOT true.
This isn’t the first time this week that I’ve awakened having made a decision or with clarity on a situation/idea/consideration. Seems to be the current theme for me: Go to sleep, wake up with certainty. lol
Progress
The progress I’ve made in the last few years has been great compared to other years. Progress here is in consciousness expansion mostly. This morning I woke up recognizing that my recent telepathic connections with others both in Spirit and on the physical plane are probably very out of line with the experiences of most of the population of the world is in right now. Yes, there are some who share my experiences, but since I am a Wayshower then it would makes sense that others with similar experiences are in the minority right now.
Honestly, I feel much like I did in 2002/2003 when the ascension “movement” was still in it’s infancy. It was nearly impossible to find others like myself and when I did find them, they were so cautious that it was hard to make meaningful connections.
So where exactly am I when it comes to my spiritual progression? Well, that is hard to say since there is no specific timeline or “one size fits all” when it comes to ascension. Most of my experiences involve the Kundalini and as such have been quite intense and explosive at times.
From what I woke up Knowing, this is my individual progression:
Initial awakening (2002); sudden spiritual abilities appeared, connection with spirit guides instant and seeming to always be there, recognition of my origins, new identity (name change), spontaneous life decisions out of line with old personality (some would call this a Walk-in experience).
Spontaneous OBEs that led to conscious OBEs, lucid dreams, Spirit communication, spontaneous past life recall, medical intuition (seeing auras), premonitions, loss of time/disconnection with this reality, Kundalini psychosis, Dark Night of the Soul.
Period of general spiritual inactivity (about 7 years) also known as a hiatus. 🙂 Returned to “this reality” though still conscious of other realities, OBEs and spirit guide communication continued, spiritual abilities not actively used but not lost. Pursued a type of hypnosis that helped me resolve the barriers to progress. Ultimately these sessions helped even out the bumps and kinks in my consciousness and energy field so that I could resume work.
 Gradual return and reintroduction to other realities mainly via OBEs. My OBEs became the gateway for communication with my guidance, ETs and others on this physical plane who were part of my Team. Multidimensional realities explored via OBEs, lucid and in-between states without the “psychosis” that resulted previously.
Kundalini returned mostly via OBEs and lucid dreams. A period of over a year of Kundalini dreams, ET encounters, multidimensional experiences, energetic phenomena that I can’t otherwise explain, and my first telepathic communications with others of my Team on this plane of reality.
Heart connection initiated and Kundalini surge beyond anything previously experienced. A heart connection, otherwise inaccurately known as Twin Flame, spured spiritual growth by magnifying and blasting through energetic blockages via the Kundalini. For me, this initiated a massive Ego death and catapulted me into consciousness expansion characterized by states of Divine Bliss, Oneness with All, tapping into universal consciousness, and other Divine states as written about by known Kundalini experiencers (i.e. Gopi Krishna).
Current period where I am learning to master my new Self, step into and fully function in what others call 5D reality. Part of this mastery involves experiencing a merged state with others on both the spiritual and physical planes (ultimately a combination of both). Thus far I have experienced another heart connection on the physical plane (I’ve had numerous ones with Spirit) where there was mutual telepathy via a merged state that was effortless, as if I had been doing it my whole life. The other part of this mastery is learning to integrate my new Self with others still functioning within 3D and 4D. This is perhaps the most difficult for me and I struggle with it every day. Finally, Kundalini has become my new “normal” and is so familiar to me now that I cannot imagine my life without it.
My understanding is that ultimately I will “master” my current level and move on to the next. What this next level is, I am not sure.
Like I already mentioned, I struggle the most with integrating my new Self with everything and everyone else around me. Thus, my blog tends toward this struggle more times than not. Since I am in the midst of this lesson, I am unable to see beyond it at times. Just because I have progressed this far doesn’t mean I am somehow immune to this physical reality and everything in it. Ascension has made me more capable, for sure, but Knowing is not the same as Being. I am still a spiritual Being living a human experience and right now that is more real to me than it ever has been!
I’ve been sick since Wednesday night. I was hit with a sore throat that kept me awake most of the night. The next day it lingered with addition of a headache and just an overall feeling of malaise. I suspect I may have had a low grade fever, but I never checked to see. I went to work despite it and probably shouldn’t have. I felt like crap all day but worked through it. My husband had gone out of town for the day (of course, right?) and so when I got home from work I had to tend to my children and do all the regular mommy duties despite feeling awful. That night I opted to skip my normal workout replacing it with over an hour of Hatha yoga.
The following night sleep was limited as well. The sore throat had not run it’s course I guess and the next day it continued to linger through until bedtime. I finally gave in last night and took some Ibuprofen at bedtime to help with the pain and ended up getting a good night’s sleep. This morning I feel much better but have a bit of congestion which will I suspect with linger for a few more days as the cold runs its course.
What is interesting is that throughout this period of illness I’ve had spiritual experiences on and off. The day prior to the sickness kicking in I had been in a “funk”, feeling an intense urge to take action on certain issues in my life to the point of near obsession all day. Here is a dream and message I received that morning:
Dream: Approved
This dream began with me meeting up with my ex-husband after a year of no contact. We were in bed (private self) together, fully clothed and catching up on lost time. I recall struggling with a memory of having sex with him only a year prior. I could not figure out if it was true or not. I thought, “Maybe I dreamed it?”
Finally, I asked him if we had been together and he said, “Yes. Remember? It was when you were separated from ______.” I do not remember the name from the dream but it felt like I had temporarily separated from my marriage and gotten back with my ex.
I was relieved to have my memory confirmed. In the dream at this time I was recalling what it was like to be with my ex. There was memory of times I had long forgot – mundane activities and the normalcy of married life with him – but also the specifics of our sex life. At one point the face of my ex and the face of my current husband were side-by-side. I saw the similarities in their features and in their personalities. It was as if they were the same identity only in two different bodies.
A woman came in at that point. She was there to “clean up” the stage (behavior, manipulation, relationships, putting on a show for others). It was then that I realized the bed we were in was in the center of a large stage set inside a giant theater. The woman gestured to the floor and described the debris that was in need of being swept up. As she described it, I saw in her hands what looked like pine cones (life and good fortune, or “pining” for someone), leaves (fallen hopes, sadness, loss) and very large strawberries (sensual desires, female sexuality). The strawberries were not red, though, but a burnt orange color similar to the leaves and pine cones. Together they looked like potpourri (particular stage of life). I looked at the floor around our bed and saw it was covered entirely with this mixture.
Lucidity increased at this point and I recall seeing the entire dream scene freeze as if it turned into a photograph. Then I saw the word “APPROVED” materialize in front of me. Seeing the word woke me fully and I wondered, “What is approved??” I got no response.
Interpretation
This dream seems to be me comparing my ex and my current husband, looking at similarities of my relationships and exploring themes. I had a particular focus on my ex, how he appeared to me, how I felt about him, and what I thought of him as a person overall. I remember noting how attached he was to me and finding it unappealing mainly because I was not attached to him in the same way. It felt like he was attached to my body and his attraction to my body more than to me as a person.
I am still uncertain what the “Approved” message indicates. It seemed like a stamp of approval”, like something that would be stamped on a contract or proposal. Maybe I was going through contract negotiations again? It seems likely since I do that quite a bit in dreamtime.
Journal Entry From 12/14/18:
Still sick, it took me a while to fall asleep – after midnight. I hate post nasal drip.
I don’t recall my dreams until this morning after waking at 6am and then dozing until it was time to get the kids up for school.
Dream: Pecan Present
The dream began in what appeared to be my old bedroom at my Mom’s, the one I was in during middle and early high school. The only difference was where the window faces the pool there was an open area with a golden hue.
I was playing with an orange tabby cat (female sexuality). I had what looked like a walnut (joy and/or abundance) or pecan (potential) and was rolling it around to get the cat’s attention. I opted to squeeze it between the floor and a lower shelf and watched as the cat attempted to get it. He worked at it while and then managed to get his mouth around it, freed it and tried to eat it.
A dark haired slightly pudgy woman (aspect of self) came into view then. She was out of sorts, obviously destitute and struggling. She was nice enough and I seemed to know her. She was with a group of others like herself – homeless, jobless and needing shelter. They were all gathered for the night in the space adjacent to my room.
The woman and I talked and I handed her a pecan (potential, hardiness and longevity – big things start small). She was grateful and accepted it but then said, “I bet it has worms (negativity, low self-worth, degradation) in it.” I looked at the pecan and briefly saw what the woman saw – worms squirming around in it. I cracked open the pecan and showed her, “No it doesn’t. See? No worms. It’s perfect.” The woman’s eyes lit up as I offered it to her to eat.
As I was set to leave I felt overwhelming compassion for her and the others. I remember thinking, “I will give them each $20 for the holidays. It’s not much but it’s something.” I felt like I should do something to help, even if it was a small thing.
Then I was walking along a curvy road (life path) that seemed to wind through a mountain valley. As I departed, my grandmother was clearly visible sitting in a chair with a blue afghan spread over her lap just like she use to do when she was alive. She commended me on my efforts to help the woman and said, “You know, she keeps everything you’ve ever given her.” I saw in my mind a bunch of items neatly stowed in a blanket. The items were random things like the pecan – sticks, rocks, baubles and such. My grandmother sent such warmth and thanks to me and I felt an overwhelming sadness wash over me as I saw again the dark haired woman who I had helped. I felt so bad for her and others like her. I also think seeing my grandmother brought up emotion.
I woke up in tears feeling that I was purging something but not exactly sure what. The emotion, as usual, seemed to have no specific source but instead a general grief.
The song High Hopes was on my mind – You’ve gotta have high, high hopes…..”
On to last night now…..
Dream: Fire in the Kitchen
In this dream I was inside my grandparent’s old house only it was newer because my uncle has remodeled it. I went to the kitchen to make some food. I set a bowl on the counter near the sink and turned on the burners. While I was turned and focused on the food preparation I smelled smoke and turned around to see a pan catching fire. I put out the fire with a towel and moved the pan and turned back around. Again, I smelled smoke and again I saw the pan on fire and put out the fire. This happened several times until the whole stove top was engulfed in flames. The burners got so hot they began to melt and the pans began to melt as well.
My uncle came home and saw the mess but was unconcerned about his new stove. Instead he was focused on what the fire had done. I remember thinking the fire must have gotten really hot to have melted the burner coils and that the entire stove would have to replaced. I thought perhaps the stove was defective and hoped it was still under warranty and could be replaced.
Dream: Fever
There was a whole dream sequence prior to this dream about being in outer space on a space craft that was large enough to hold an entire society. Other ships began to latch onto the mother ship, though, and invade the interior. The attack was stopped but in the end one ship had avoided detection and was secretly infiltrating the bigger ship.
The scene shifted and with it came an entire background knowledge of what was transpiring. I had finally reunited with my partner/love and had stayed the night in his apartment. There was an understanding that now that we were together our intense connection would likely result in tension that then would flare up into arguments. I saw my partner’s sun and ascendant (astrology) contributing to a tendency toward communication conflicts. I remember feeling able to handle such trivialities, feeling it would be worthwhile in the end.
His roommate greeted me as I emerged from my room that morning. He was very cheerful but I did not know him. I saw my partner sitting on the sofa and joined him. The roommate said something to the effect of, “You should let her give you a blow job now because you have to go to [unrecognizable word] soon.” There was a telepathic sense that my partner was about to leave and that his roommate was supportive of us being together. The roommate felt like another version of my partner more than another person.
I remember ignoring the roommate’s comment as I sat next to my partner on the sofa (I was on his left) and snuggled up to him. I looked up at him and said, “Good morning.” He looked down at me and smiled, kissing me gently on the lips. I remember thinking how amazing it felt to finally be with him without having to sneak around or feel guilty. I could feel from him a slight uneasiness that was not outright rejection. Instead it seemed that he was trying to not fully feel our connection; holding back.
Still snuggled up against his chest our connection began to become more and more apparent to me. It was such a wonderful feeling and all I wanted to do was stay there with him, snuggled close. I sent this feeling to him telepathically and then said to him, “Why do you have this effect on me?” I received back and answer in visuals. It looked like an energetic process. Golden energy streams that then exploded at their destination point into tiny fireworks. The energy channels felt ancient, like they had been worn deep from repetitive use, intricately connecting us at the deepest of levels. Along with this came a knowing this process had gone unfinished countless times because of the intensely explosive nature of our connection. Until these energy channels were allowed to complete a circuit the intensity would continue to feel uncomfortable to the point of separating us once again.
From my partner I could feel him working hard to remain in control. If you can imagine someone biting their lip and gripping the seat, this would be how he appeared energetically to me. lol There was no hostility or anger whatsoever, just outward calm as he held me close to him. Yet the energy between us was intensifying and I began to squirm from it as my desire grew.
When the energy became nearly unbearable he looked at me with a neutral expression and said, “I am starting to get turned on.” I looked back up at him and said, “Me, too.” I could feel his grip on control lessening as he gave into his desire. My thoughts were definitely not innocent at this point, neither were his. All I wanted to do was jump him right there in front of his roommate. LOL I became breathless at the thought and woke up (darn!).
Fully awake but not wanting to be I lingered in bed a while enjoying the dream connection still present as I woke. Part of a song was going through my mind on repeat, no doubt a message: “I will always love you…..”
I don’t think the rest of the song applies, but I can’t say for sure. The only part that was repeating was, “I will always love you.” This was while the energy was still noticeable but subsiding.
Once I was fully awake and the energy was gone I spoke with my guidance for a while. A familiar conversation ensued, one that I have had many times over the course of the last few years. The dream seemed to be me trying on a particular situation or maybe it was just meant to show me the current state of things. Whatever it was, I felt the explanation of the energy to be the most informative. The circuit must be completed. The intensity leading up to that completion is scary but as with all fear it must be confronted. The only way out is through. Controlling it is a barrier creating more blocks and slowing the process. The feeling is easy to interpret as “bad” or “dark” but in reality it is both “good” and “bad” in one. We are “light” and “dark” and to be whole we must embrace both within ourselves. In the end, what appears to be an insurmountable obstacle is actually just a bump in the road.
The biggest lesson I suppose is embracing the desire and all that goes with it. I have been through it, so I know how scary it is to face the desire we hold within. It looks and feels “bad” yet at the same time it carries with it a magnetic attraction, pulling us into it and into ourselves. Once allowed we are shown ourselves, the good, the bad and the ugly. This is scary but if approached without judgment or criticism we are able to see the beauty that we are and it is Divine and blissful beyond compare.
In understanding I lingered a bit longer in bed, feeling the connection across the distance and allowing it. Another song came to mind, specifically the words, “You give me fever….”
Of Note
I wanted to address the portion of the above dream where the roommate suggests I give my partner a blow job. I believe this section was the result of a conversation I had yesterday with my husband. We drove past the place where I had my first ever date and memory of my first boyfriend came up. I talked about it, specifically how he was a “sloppy kisser”. lol There was also a distinct memory of one evening when I was over at his house in his bedroom. We were making out and he suddenly exposed himself to me. I had never seen a penis before and was in shock (that’s an understatement). At this point all we had ever done was make-out and I was very inexperienced. I had never even kissed a boy prior to him. I said something about his mom walking in and he responded that she wouldn’t. I knew he wanted me to give him a blow job and I definitely was NOT going to do that! So I made an excuse and we went back into the living room. After that he suddenly stopped communicating with me (ha!) but I was not upset by it because I was not “that kind of girl” and so had lost all interest in him as well.
This conversation led me to talking more about what I feel about and my beliefs about oral sex. Oral sex has never been attractive to me – neither giving or receiving. Even in my marriages it is rare that I give or receive it. It just feels uncomfortable. However, I am not completely against it and have been known to be spontaneous in the giving of it, but only within a committed relationship. Somewhere along the way in this lifetime I acquired the belief that a woman who gives a man oral sex outside of a committed relationship is “cheap” and “dirty”. Yet within a marriage or committed long-term relationship, it is acceptable. Talk about illogical!
So yeah, that is likely why it appeared in my dream. It went along quite well with the feelings coming from my partner and helps me recognize that I still have my own considerations and beliefs getting in the way of my progress.
Either way, I definitely felt the “fever” and all conflicting considerations flew out the door!
I woke at around 10pm feeling as if I had slept the entire night but knowing I had just fallen asleep maybe 20 minutes prior. When I woke I was talking to a guide whose energy felt very substantial and powerful. There was a wisdom with him and his voice, though I couldn’t audibly hear it, felt deep and soul-resonating.
When we spoke I felt very much to be a student to him, or at least to be the one receiving guidance. I was asking him why I had to Remember and then not be allowed to retain the experience consistently throughout the remainder of my life. Why was I allowed to feel a deep connection to others but only temporarily? How can I go on Knowing what I Know?
He asked me to Remember why I am here. When he did, I felt why again and Knew that life as a human was meant to test. I am meant to feel disconnected so that I can have that perception and experience. I remember asking to not be human anymore. He then asked me to consider something. A vision of walking into a hotel room and finding my partner with another came to me. It was just a flash of memory but with it came an entire consideration that perhaps I am feeling what I am feeling because I intended to feel the way another had been made to feel by me? Maybe in another lifetime I was the one who felt betrayed and who fought to keep my partner from another? Maybe my partner was the one who was pining for someone they could never be with? That unrequited love feeling is definitely distinct.
Throughout our conversations there I had an odd feeling in my body. My entire right leg felt weird, like it was about to fall asleep but wasn’t quite there yet. I also felt weird energetically, like not quite connected to this body or realm. I ended up moving my body to rid myself of the feeling.
This particular energy sensation is fairly new to me but I have not mentioned it because I don’t know how to describe it exactly. I have felt it in random body parts – my right eye, my head and now my right leg. When the feeling comes on it feels uncomfortable and if I focus on it I feel that I might be ill or worse if it becomes anymore apparent. It never does, though, as I have learned to not focus on it and find that helps it to dissipate. It feels very wrong, like there is a mismatch between this body and my energy. There is also a metallic taste – that’s wrong word but don’t know how else to describe it. It’s an energetic “taste”.
That brings me to another topic. I was just explaining to my husband about how I seem to be able to “taste” energy. This is a new perception for me. I have come to recognize those I meet in Spirit (and for some in body as well) by their “energy signature”. This signature has distinct features that I perceive through a sense I have no name for and that is closest to that of the sense of taste. I explained to my husband that this “signature” is why we don’t need names to identify who we are when we are not in bodies. Our experiences imprint into our energetic field and act as our signature or fingerprint – soulprint. 🙂 When I have telepathically connected with others – merged with them – their soulprint is completely open and available to me. I can distinguish distinct “flavors” – personality, emotion, tendencies, etc. I perceive the “good” and the “bad” but all of it is exquisitely beautiful – like a tapestry or artwork. I see the Whole Self and am in awe of it. There is reverence felt for the person/soul.
Anyway, on to the rest of the weirdness of today….
I have been feeling different today. More than once while talking to others I have felt energetically “ill” to the point of it hitting me in physical ways. When I listen to someone talking for extended periods I feel it the most. It is a sick kind of wanting to fall to the ground or pass out. Like I am getting tasered by their energy. While listening to my boss describe something to me today I felt like this and after she left I got a headache.
I often feel this way when I first get to work in the morning and then it levels off after I’ve been there a few hours. Perhaps I am acclimating somehow to the energies?
Nonetheless, I think I am very wide open right now and picking up on others’ junk/energy.
I’ve also just had a weird feeling over all, similar to how I felt upon waking early in the night. At one point I wanted to just cry because I felt like I was losing my mind. it was short-lived – I composed myself quickly – but I have not felt anything like it in quite a while.
There was also a memory from years ago – 2003ish. It was of how I was told in advance by my guidance about a man I would meet. I was given his name and the specific date of our meeting. Later, after meeting him on the date given and being romantically involved with him, I noticed a piece of mail with his name on it and realized he went by his middle name and his first name was the one my guides told me! I had also met him on the exact date they had given me.
The sudden memory of this hit me all at once and sorta stunned me. Why have that memory? It was what I think threw me into that “I’m going crazy” feeling which brought me close to tears. It’s kind of a feeling of being ripped apart internally. Well, maybe that is a bit dramatic but in the moment it feels very disorienting at the least.
Now, at home and after spending time walking my dog and doing some yoga I feel much better. Sometimes I just don’t know what the f^%* is going on with the energy and ascension and, well the world! I live in two different worlds – one that seems to be mostly in my mind but I know it’s not – and the other one that everyone else seems to occupy. It’s days like today, though, when my own world seems to crash into the other world, when I struggle the most.
Just realized it is 12/12 today. Hahaha Maybe I fell through a portal…..
I fell asleep without issue but woke around midnight from an odd dream. I was with my daughter who had a friend who was wearing an outfit with the words, “Bitch Magic” on it. To the left of the words, which were written in Disney-like lettering with sparkles and stars all around, was Tinkerbell waving her wand. LOL The high waisted jeans also had the logo and lettering only smaller on the back just above the pockets. I remember saying to my daughter that I thought it was a bit too much, especially since it looked to be from the 1980’s era.
I couldn’t help but remember, “Bitch Magic” when I woke, so I wrote it down. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep because of the overly dry air in the room causing my nose to hurt when I breathed. So, I lay on my back mulling over life and envisioning how I would like my future to play out. I went through several scenarios before I fell asleep.
Lucid Dream
I entered into a semi-lucid dream where I was sitting in front of a very large television. I could see the selections for the shows and was in the middle of selecting a show I liked when the TV shifted to shows my children like to watch. I couldn’t find my show anywhere. Eventually, I found it and clicked on my show but the volume was too high. I began to turn it down and noticed the TV had a curved edge which made it hard to see from the side.
3 OBE’s
My lucidity must have peaked because suddenly the loud noise of the TV turned into hearing someone knock on the front door. I heard my husband answer and whisper an apology for asking the person to come over so late. I also heard what sounded like a briefcase opening – a “click, click” sound. I remember wanting to talk to my husband, to go downstairs and see who he was with, but my body felt paralyzed and heavy. There was a realization that I was hearing “noises off” but at the same time I felt like I needed to investigate because it felt very real. I attempted to get up and go downstairs but I kept feeling pulled down into the bed/my body. It took every ounce of energy I could muster to finally sit up and when I did I exited my body.
Free of my body, I headed toward the bedroom door. It was very dark and my energy was pretty low. I could feel my physical body the entire time which made me in a hurry to get as far from it as possible. I went to the stairs and looked over the edge, calling to my husband but knowing he wasn’t there – he never was. I could feel the cold metal of the railing beneath my hands just as my vision began to clarify. Then I was pulled back into my body.
Back in my body I again experienced the heavy, paralyzed sensation. Knowing full well that I was in the transition state, I forced my way out of my body and out of bed. I was still curious about what I had heard and there was this fear at the back of my mind that perhaps something sinister was about. I ignored my fear, knowing I had nothing to fear – that nothing could harm me unless I thought it could. This time I went directly to the other bedroom where my husband was sleeping with our youngest son. I spoke to him, asking him if I could get in bed with him. He answered by pulling back the covers to let me in. I could see the outline of my son under the covers in the middle of the bed. I remember feeling my husband as I got into bed and then being sucked back into my body as if I were being pulled through a tunnel.
This time, fully intent on getting out of bed and out of the house, I pushed through the heaviness and exited my body without much issue. It was still dark, the energy very heavy, but I was determined to free myself of it. I went directly to the stairs and then opted to jump/float down to the first floor. I did this without issue and landed at the bottom. There was more clarity in my vision but it seemed to strobe in and out. I went directly to the front door and opened it. As I did, an object came down as if to block my path. It was a giant chandelier. I could see it clearly in my mind despite the darkness that enveloped it. I spoke aloud, saying, “Get out of my way”, as I took my hand and brushed it aside. I felt no resistance. The door was only partially open so I slid through the opening, noting it was much lighter outside and my vision was clear. As I walked outside, I noticed a For Sale sign propped up against the side of the house, the lettering very distinct – red letters on a white sign. I could also see other objects indicative of moving, like tape and gloves. I wasn’t able to focus on it for long because I was sucked back through a tunnel and back into my body.
As I settled back into my body I knew that I would not be able to exit again. My chest felt very heavy, just like the energy I had felt while OOB. In fact, it felt like my chest had been ripped open and expanded, as if I had open heart surgery. It is hard to explain, but the energy was distinct. As I settled more into my body I noticed my heartbeat and breathing were erratic and overall it didn’t feel right or normal. I wondered if I had been putting too much strain on my body but my guidance indicated I merely didn’t have enough energy available for traveling OOB.
Now wide awake, I struggled to sleep again. I had to turn on the humidifier in order to comfortably breathe. It was past 2:30am when I fell back to sleep.
Considerations
Looking back at last night, I realize that things were prime for an unsettled night. As I was winding down for the night I could feel my crown and third-eye activating. I remember thinking, “Download time”.
The Bitch Magic dream could mean many things. My first thought after waking was that it pertained to me – as in I am the bitch. However, the “magic” part indicates that it is not necessarily a bad things. My thought was that perhaps I needed to get into “bitch mode” to get things moving in the direction I wanted. Considering my thoughts prior to bed were about what I wanted in life, this makes sense. Still, it is very funny! The image of the fairy especially.
Since I could not return to sleep after waking the first time, I remember thinking it likely that I would go OOB. I did not intend to, though, just noted it likely. It’s called Wake Back to Bed (WBTB) method, meaning you wake up and then return to sleep after moving around enough to wake fully. Usually, when I wake up so early in the night I do not go OOB, so it was quite a surprise to end up doing so. WBTB is best done after 5-6 hours of sleep, not 2 hours.
Based upon my thoughts/insights during meditation, I believe the first OBE noises-off were directly related. I remember thinking the knock at the door and the clicking of the briefcase as it opened was my husband trying to keep something from me; thus my intense curiosity to investigate. The heavy energy is typical of the etheric. The symbolism in the OBEs seems a reflection of my feelings – unable to leave the house = feeling trapped. The chandelier symbolizes a bright future, but it was not lit so maybe it means the opposite? Since it was inside the house and trying to keep me inside, perhaps it is symbolic of a possible bright future gone dark – dashed hopes and dreams. The For Sale sign is likely another symbol indicating a desire to move on or get out/get rid of something. My vision was also poor, indicating an inability to see clearly; a need for clarity. I am seeking clarity but unable to find it until I exit the house.
The strange sensations in my physical body are not concerning, though they were odd. I have had all kinds of weird re-entries and this one definitely qualifies as such. My chest did feel to be spread open, as if I were getting open heart surgery. I’m not sure what to make of the sensation other than to say it was just my perception of the energy at the time of re-entry.
I’m sleeping really well right now, or at least for the last two nights anyway. 🙂 The average is 10 hours, all of which were much needed.
Prior to bed last night, as I was watching my current show of interest, I kept feeling a communication coming through from my right. At first I didn’t identify it as such, thinking I was just having random thoughts and feelings, but ultimately I stopped focusing on my show and shifted my attention to the source.
My heart was struck with a beautiful energy. It was so palpable that in my mind I saw it, like a etheric, golden light, twirling and spinning out from the darkness straight into my heart center. Along with the energy came visuals mixed with incomplete thoughts. I settled into my core and let the transfer take place, knowing that too much focus would interrupt it. Allow. Allow.Â
The origin of this energetic connection was Earthly; it was someone on the Earth plane I know. Soul family of the Divine kind. I suspect the telepathic connection was unintentional on their part. But it doesn’t matter, I received it.
Unfortunately, my motherly duties interrupted the flow and when I tried to reconnect I was unable.
Dream: Halfway There
This dream was early in the morning hours, so I was partially lucid. I find that these days when my lucidity peaks I prefer to go with the dream rather than take control of it. Not sure why I am doing this except that maybe I have recognized doing so allows me to receive messages that otherwise I would not notice.
I found myself on the side of a road in Montana. It was really dark out and I could barely see my surroundings. I crawled up an embankment and up to the side of the road. My location had been beneath a bridge near a small stream I think. I could feel the tall grass as I crawl-walked and hear the crunching of leaves and twigs with each step I took.
As I crawled I encountered objects: trash. It was scattered here and there and familiar. I picked up a very large, empty container of oatmeal without a lid and took it with me to use as a bucket to pick up the litter. I picked up two empty apple juice boxes and tossed them inside and then stumbled upon the lid to the oatmeal container. I closed the boxes inside and tossed the container into the brush.
As I settled myself on the side of the road I encountered another empty oatmeal container and put more boxes inside. There was a conversation going on in my mind with someone about this but it is lost to me now. What is left is the consideration that this trash represented things I feel “done with”, and as such it is being “trashed”.
I remember thinking of the journey ahead. I told this person in my mind how I did not look forward to the long journey ahead in this darkness. The feeling I had was of despair and extreme exhaustion. My bones felt heavy and my prognosis not good.
Every once in a while a car or truck would pass by. All kept their headlights off. I found this very disturbing. I knew the traffic was so sparse that I would be lucky if I saw one vehicle an hour. But I walked on, being careful to hide in the shadows when a car passed me by. It felt dangerous to be out so late at night in the middle of nowhere all alone.
Every once in a while a car would approach with headlights on only to turn them off when close. One time, a truck passed me by, headlights off, and another car passed them going the other direction. The truck stopped and turned to pursue the other car but saw me because they had turned on a spotlight. Caught and unable to run, I stood there and four men got out of the vehicle and approached me. I was close enough to see a woman in the front seat, strapped in a seat belt. I sensed from her distress and used my medical intuition to scan her body. I said to the men, “She is not well. She needs to go to a hospital.” They laughed and said, “Yeah, she has a broken leg.”
The dream shifts and I am inside the truck with the men. We stop at a church and I open the door and escape, screaming at the people, “I’ve been kidnapped. Help!” only the words didn’t come out right at first. I scramble inside with help from the people there and run down a hallway to check the back door. I knew the men would find me and had hoped to escape out the back door. Unfortunately, I ran into one of the men, machine gun in hand, standing at the back door. I said to him, “You know you don’t want to do this. Give me your gun.” The man considered and his shoulders drooped as he handed over the gun. I asked, “Is there ammo?” He nodded and we both went inside.
The dream shifts forward in time and I am inside the church with a large group of people. My daughter is with me. They offer us new clothes. I am given a white, long-sleeved shirt with their logo on the front. It looks like three flowers connected in a triangle shape. I feel displaced as I put on the shirt, as if I am homeless.
I feel extremely tired at this time and seek out a bed to lay down on. There is no space where I am, so I go into the other room and check the bed there. I note that people have left their things on the nightstand indicating that the bed is taken. So, I turn to the computer, take a seat and begin to type my story – the dream as I recall it up to that point along with my feelings/emotions and secrets I would otherwise tell no one.
As I type, the screen goes blank and I am unable to get the computer to respond. I panic, worrying the people of the church will discover I am not who I say I am. I press the “Esc” key to try and regain control of the screen. It works and I cannot find what I typed anywhere. Instead a video screen pops up and the icon on the top indicates that the person who is logged in, some man, has liked one of my posts. I go into his profile and unlike my post to try and erase any proof that I had been there.
I return to the other room and search for earplugs but none of them fits. I want to sleep but cannot. There are so many people that the space feels crowded. I do not like the feeling. A man I know in real life begins to talk to me, to counsel me, and I find out he has divorced his wife. He makes it clear that he is interested in me but the thought of being with him that way is unappealing to me. His energy feels sick and weak, completely incompatible with my own.
Somehow I end up walking on the dark road again. I am on the other side this time, the left side rather than the right as before. There is a glimmer of light in the distance, as if the sun is about to rise. I feel so tired, my legs like dead weights as I walk. A familiar song comes into my mind as I walk, sung by a male voice. I sing along with him:
Woah, we’re half way there Woah-oh, livin’ on a prayer, Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear, Woah-oh livin’ on a prayer….
The chorus repeats a second time and I sing it louder and with more purpose. When I hit the part, “Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear”, I burst into tears. The feeling I have is similar to how one feels when they have fallen but can’t find the strength to stand and keep going. It feels like death is the only option. Then someone offers them their hand.
Interpretation
I wasn’t crying when I woke up. Instead I felt somewhat awed by the whole dream experience. Maybe it was because it was partially lucid? Or maybe it was the message via song that was the final uplifting component, saying, “We can do this!”? I did indeed feel hopeful and I can’t help but think of the analogy of running a marathon as perfect for how life plays out.
I believe the dark road in Montana is symbolic of where I feel to be at currently in my life. The darkness is the unseen/unknown and also represents how I feel – dark, gloomy, hopeless. Montana is the journey toward spiritual freedom, enlightenment, purpose, whatever you want to call it. Montana = mountains. It is the “ascent”.
The trash I find are things I no longer want or that I feel have served their purpose. The oatmeal is a continuing symbol of mine, it symbolizes comfort and sameness. The juice boxes could be domesticity as they are reminders of my children and my motherly duties. The oatmeal container is huge in the dream and very empty; all used up. I have had my fill.
The vehicles without headlights indicate that I do not feel illuminated by those that I meet right now. If anything they perpetuate the dark, gloominess that I carry with me. The men in the truck who abduct me seem to be a perceived danger, the woman is likely an aspect of myself who is broken and unable to walk; stuck.
The church likely represents some kind of perceived haven of help, but looks are deceiving. The guns indicate potential aggression under the surface but I am able to suppress it. I feel homeless with the group and suffocated. This is representation of a real-life situation I won’t go into detail about. Let’s just say a similar group I am associated with gives me the feelings I encountered in the dream. I want to ignore it, block out the messages I received (earplugs) and avoid what I know the be true (sleep), but am unable to do either. The man represents the feelings I often get with people in the group.
This is further expounded upon by what I write on the computer. I want desperately to communicate – be – who I am, but know the group will not accept this. In the dream what I write is very personal and revealing. I hit “Esc” to try and escape the consequences of them knowing my true identity and am successful at erasing all traces of myself.
The last scene of walking the road on the left side could indicate change of perspective. The light in the distance = hope. The song, of course, is relaying the message that I am not alone.
Dream Snippet
There is a short dream memory that I have limited recall on now. What I do recall is being in a room with a man. We are sitting comfortably on cushioned lounges. All the colors in my memory are golden hues, as if we are in the 1960’s but I know we are in a place where time doesn’t exit. The scene feels like a bar or speak easy. Rather than tables and chairs there are sofas and side tables.
The man I am with is familiar and I am very comfortable with him. He is singing and I am amazed at how nicely he sings. I comment on how lovely his voice is. What I remember most is feeling pulled in by his voice. It is smooth, deep and quiet, sometimes only a whisper. His brown eyes become a focal point in the dream that also seem to pull me in. The depth of them is familiar. I see myself in his eyes. I am in love with his voice, with his eyes, with him.
There is conversation here but I only recall a summary of it now. The man is telling me about his life, how he use to sing with a band among other things. I feel mostly to be listening to him. It feels like he needs me to listen; like he has much to say but doesn’t say it. I am happy to listen.
I don’t know when this dream snippet occurred – before or after the above dream. In fact, most of the night’s experiences feel jumbled as if they all happened at the same time. Maybe they did? It is of no consequence anyway. What is most important is that I woke up feeling calm and accepting when normally I awaken in resistance.
It is clear to me that I am in an inactive, rest period right now. This realization came about first via a Knowing and then was validated via various synchronicities. As is my usual, I struggle against this perceive inactivity, but the messages I am receiving indicate that I can ride out this period by merely recognizing the gift that it is (rest, reflection, healing, preparation) by continuing to return to my center where continued guidance will be given.
Mornings are the roughest for me because when I wake I feel so much resistance boiling over to the point of anger and irritation. I recognize this is my Ego Child throwing one of her tantrums but it is very difficult to snap out of! Ultimately, I know this will all pass; that this period is meant to prepare me for the next “shake up” and that I need to make the most of it.
Last time I experienced a period like this I was not adequately prepared because I ignored my inner Knowing in regards to my physical body. Once again I am being reminded to take care of my physical body by not unduly taxing it. I have been running quite a bit while also lifting weights, falling into an old routine which is not good for my body. It does not give my body adequate rest and it neglects the emotional and spiritual. For example, my most recent runs have resulted in a pain in my right ankle. One of the tendons is strained and requires rest in order to heal. More running will only exacerbate the problem. It is a minor issue, really, but enough to alert me to what I have been ignoring – running in general needs to be limited to shorter distances and times.
Diet has also come up and so I am intending to shift my diet once again to make it cleaner and more refined. I hope I can do this successfully as when I feel stressed I tend to eat more sugars and carbohydrates. Having a glass of wine has become an almost a nightly routine. I don’t feel it is bad to have wine, but probably not every night, so I will be returning to my tea and saving the wine for occasional use.
I will still lift weights but only four times a week. On the other days I will tone it down with yoga, deep stretching and SMR (self-myofacial release).
I suspect spiritual experiences will be on the low end for a while to come. The Kundalini has been quiet, only coming up occasionally in dreamtime. OBEs are practically non-existent these days, as are lucid dreams. I don’t miss the latter much, but the Kundalini I long for – the connection and Divine bliss specifically. I understand that I am to connect to my core/center at this time and find balance within, which I am well-equipped to do and just need to make a habit of rather than falling into Ego-led despair.
Dreams have been vivid lately but seem to focus on healing and insight into life’s problems.
Dream: Reunion
This dream began on a road near where I grew up. My grandfather was with me. We stopped along the side of a the road and went along a path to get some ice cream (my grandfather loved Bluebell). When we got closer the path morphed into the inside of an office (measuring myself against another’s standards) building. I remember talking to my grandfather about our memories of the place, the ice cream (success in life) and the good times. He looked like he did when he was alive but before he started to go downhill with various ailments (neuropathy, dementia, emphysema).
My grandfather went ahead of me and I waited. A nice lady escorted him back to the place to get his ice cream. I watched her hold his arm and help him walk away and out a door straight ahead of me.
I looked around and walked to my left to explore the area because it was unfamiliar to me. As I walked the place morphed again and I found myself walking along the outside of a huge ship (exploration of emotion/subconscious). I looked down at my feet and saw the ship was covered in thick, green moss (slow progress, need patience). I thought, “It must be very, very old!” The edge I was walking on was narrow and very high up. So high in fact that I felt to be hovering above the entire world. Across from me on my left I could see other ships. They were enormous and loomed in the distance, ancient artifacts from a time long past. Most were white/gray and resembled aircraft carriers and other military ships. I remember thinking I was in a naval shipyard.
Looking ahead, I caught a glimpse of something moving very fast. Then I heard laughter and talking. Curious, I followed the sounds down to an area below deck. The area was still covered in green moss and there were teenagers of various ages lingering in the space. They seemed to be gathered there to hang out, play, etc. I remember thinking they were the children of soldiers and I greeted them warmly, asking them if I could hang out with them for a while. None of them seemed against it; all were friendly but most kept their distance and watched me closely. It felt as if they were uncertain if I was friend or foe.
Eventually I walked deeper into the ship. There I encountered a shop that was just about to close for the day. The decor was reminiscent of the 1950’s. A lady approached and smiled at me. She called me by name, saying, “It has been a long time! Good to see you!” I lingered around the store front, which was open to the rest of the room. We talked about the past, when I was a young girl, and my times with my grandfather coming to this place for ice cream and other sweets. In the dream I could see myself as this young girl, smiling with my Granddaddy and feeling special.
At some point my grandfather was there, too, and the dream become a blur of memories mixed with conversation. There was a shift back to the office space where I saw my grandfather return with the lady who had escorted him away. He had in his hand a huge, white object – a clove of garlic (protection against some barriers, overcoming barriers) the size of the palm of his hand and disc-shaped. He took a bite as if it was ice cream and smiled. I asked how it was and he indicated it was delicious, just as he remembered.
Interpretation
When I woke I knew I had seen my grandfather. The ships were indicative of his time in the Navy. He loved his sweets, especially ice cream. It felt like he had come to counsel me, or maybe to just catch up and chat. I did not feel sad in the dream, which was nice because usually I miss him very much when I see him in my dreams.
I believe his message was to use his own life as an example for me. The main message being to enjoy life and the “sweets” it has to offer. There was also the message that I will persevere via the garlic which symbolizes overcoming barriers. The shipyard seemed to indicate that he took me into his past and into his own emotional struggles, perhaps comparing them to my own. The patience theme of the moss was very memorable and distinct.
When I woke I felt sad and pessimistic. I was happy to have seen my grandfather again but at the same time I was discouraged because of the waiting game that I perceived I was/am in.
Dream: Helicopter Ride
In this dream my ex-husband (reflecting on past situations and comparing them to present) came for a visit and invited us to ride in his helicopter. Me, my daughter and youngest son got into the helicopter (new/different awareness) with him. As we flew we looked around at the scenery and enjoyed flying high above everyone and everything. He flew quite low at times, so low my toes skimmed the tops of trees. It was then that I realized there was no bottom (feeling exposed) and that I was somehow hovering in my seat. I remember asking him if I should wear a seatbelt (need to stay composed) and grabbing two straps on either side of me and buckling them while saying, “Oh, I found them.”
We kept flying and entered into a city where he landed in the corner of a courtyard. There were Mexican families in the area who gathered around, curious as to why a helicopter landed there. I remember hearing them speaking in Spanish yet understanding them. We got out of the helicopter for a bit to stretch our legs. I remember seeing a little Mexican girl and smiling at her.
We eventually all got back inside and took flight again. This time my youngest climbed into my lap and I buckled the seatbelt over both of us but it was a very tight fit (worried about my future). I remember looking closely at the inside of the helicopter – the rounded, metal sides and rivets. It was very small and round, almost like we were in a tiny sphere.
My ex hovered close to another area, this time amidst houses, to look for a place to land. I could see many Mexicans in the area and as we landed they came closer. This time they were mostly men and many of them were carrying machine guns (aggression). It felt hostile and as soon as we landed we took off again. One man with a gun opened fire on us. My ex turned his guns on the man and fired, hitting him and knocking him down. I remember thinking we had somehow landed in the middle of a dispute and been mistaken for the enemy (internal conflict).
Interpretation
This dream seems to be all about comparing the present to the past and learning from mistakes in order to not repeat them. The helicopter allows for me have new awareness -rise above – so that I can see what I otherwise would not see. In particular I see beauty, family (the Mexican families), and togetherness but I also see aggression, hostility and inner-conflict. There is a sense of needing to protect my children as well as myself. I believe the “Mexico” and “Spanish” parts are indicative of “going South”, which means that things are not working out well and are getting worse. The foreign language is all about feeling to be a “foreigner” in some way to the events going on in my life. Yet I am able to understand the language which means I feel capable of handling the unfamiliar.
After yesterday evening’s dream about the “dog races”, I had an similar experience in real life. No, I didn’t go to the dog races. 🙂 We had a tiny dog venture into our back yard. It looked very much like the tiny dogs I saw in my dream. At first I couldn’t figure out how he got in. He kept evading capture by going under the fence into our neighbor’s back yard but always came back to our yard, sitting and licking himself as if he thought it was his new home. Eventually, I realized he had come in through a gate from the front yard. The kids must have left it open and he wandered in (I’m surprised our dog didn’t get out!). The gate was partially open but he would not go through it when I tried to get him to. So I had to prop it wide open so that it was obvious and he finally turned tail and ran back out to the front of the house.
After the dog was out and I had re-latched the gate, my dream came back to mind and I laughed to myself. I remember thinking, “He (the dog) always knew the way out. I just had to remind him by opening the gate a little wider.” And of course, this was the message to me as well – I have always known the way out. I said to myself, “You get out the same way you got in.”
So then, how did I get “in”? What path did I follow? And how, then, does that path lead to the exit? But then I would have to determine what predicament/situation I want to get “out” of in the first place!
Dream: Future Prediction
The dream start is fuzzy now. I recall standing outside with a very large group of people. The sky was blue and dotted with fluffy clouds. Each person was handed an official looking envelope. My husband was with me and opened his. I followed suit and opened mine. Inside were predictions of our future. The time frame seemed to be random. Mine gave me a snapshot of my life at age 53.
What I read was not good. It seemed I had opted to take lower paying, lower responsibility jobs to the point that I ended up with work that was well beneath my ability level. This kept me from being challenged and helped me avoid stress and stressful situations and relationships with people. I did this purposefully but it ended up leaving me with few friends and very little feeling of accomplishment. I was shown that the projection of my life was that I would retire early because I didn’t want to work anymore and I would end up old and alone/lonely because I would have alienated most if not all friends/family by the time of my death.
My husband had his and was smiling and wanting to read mine. I wouldn’t let him and did not read his but I knew his forecast was positive.
We ended up going to a place where we could be “adjusted”. It was like a church building where we were evaluated and then set up for treatment which seemed to involve the person laying down and being worked on. I was evaluated quickly and sent to the waiting room while my husband received treatment.
I seemed to wait forever. Lots of other people were waiting also. I grew tired and irritable. Someone commented on my irritability, saying the source of it was boredom. I didn’t argue. A very large woman sat next to me. She was friendly and we got along. She noticed I was tired and positioned herself so that I could lean on her. I ended up laying my head on her breast and nodding off.
When my husband finally came out he was smiling and refreshed. I complained that he took so long and that I never got called in. He pulled our SUV up and called me to get in. All the doors were open and I grumpily climbed in. I saw another car trying to pull out but it was cornered by other cars. I thought it would never get out but it somehow maneuvered itself out and drove away.
Considerations
When I woke I was startled by the dream prediction to the point that I couldn’t help but think it was in response to the thoughts I had on my mind as I went to bed. I had been reviewing my old blog posts from 2016 onward, noticing trends, followers, likes, comments, etc. It is obvious that I have lost many followers, likes have declined, as have comments. My best guess as to the reasons for this is my content. I write a lot of posts about dreams, which in and of itself is probably not interesting to too many people. And then many of my posts have a “poor me” feeling to them, which few enjoy. The trend indicates very slow progress. I seem to have stalled out. And then I think I write too much about how my life is not like I want it to be but then take no action to change it.
So, right before bed I was considering what changes I would need to make. I thought maybe I might need to take another social media break, but I wasn’t sure and my gut told me to sleep on it. Then I get an entirely different outlook indicating that what I may need to change is my perspective regarding my work/career. Interesting!
I was talking to my husband about my dreams this morning and we ended up discussing my current work situation. I explained that I purposefully chose the job to avoid stress and people – just like the type of work mentioned in my dream. At some point IÂ said this to him to describe my circumstances:
It’s the avoidance of things that make you uncomfortable that keeps your life the same.
He said to me, “That is good. Text it to me.” Had he not I wouldn’t have remembered it!
He said he thought that I needed to step up and take on more responsibility, that it was my dislike of the type of work that was my discomfort. I told him, “No. It’s things that scare me that make me uncomfortable.”
Work Woes
Speaking of work, the lady who I was hired to help is in the hospital. She just finished all her chemo and had been given the all-clear by her doctors. All traces of cancer gone. But ever since Thanksgiving she has been home sick with neuropathy. But last night it escalated and she ended up in the E.R.
Our boss updated us this morning saying that the cancer had metastasized into her brain. Somehow the doctors didn’t catch it and even after all that nasty chemo the cancer was not eradicated. Really awful news.
The news has been pretty devastating to everyone at the office. She has worked there for over 15 years and everyone loves her.
Something I noticed at work when everyone discussed her situation – they all acted sad and concerned but seemed to want to quickly forget everything and get back to “normal” as quickly as possible. I remember thinking – they are already moving on, even before she has even died. And for a moment I grieved for her loss; that she had already become a memory before even leaving this world.
My husband and I went to see her in the hospital. They only allowed one person at a time in her room. When my husband came out he had been crying. 😦 When I went in I smiled and stayed cheerful. She seemed just fine and had her wits about her but she was also very peaceful about everything. She didn’t seem one bit concerned about her situation.
Now it looks like whether I want to or not I will be taking on more responsibility. Eventually, ALL her responsibilities will be mine. Honestly, it’s not what I wanted but when I see how everyone is responding and all that needs to be done, I know that I would be doing her a disservice if I were to leave now.
Dream: Woman Lover
I wanted to mention one more dream because it seems to indicate continued healing relating to women.
This dream began inside a very large mobile (not permanent) home (self). My mom was living there and the family was gathered for an unknown reason. A dark haired, very attractive woman was there as well. She and I were attracted to each other. Before we met up, though, I was inside a classroom arranging what looked like swing sets for the children to occupy as I taught class. There was a baby swing that needed adjustment and I remember moving it and adjusting the height. My memory fades out here, though.
Then I am in a bedroom (private self) with the dark haired woman. It is my mom’s bedroom. The dark haired woman closes the door and invites me to come to her. We begin to make out. The sensations of kissing are very real. I remember enjoying her kisses, her mouth, very much. We end up on the floor next to the bed as we try and hide in case someone comes in. It gets really passionate but clothes stay on, though hands explore and there is a lot of touching. The woman resists going further and puts her hand to her lips saying “Shhh” as if to remind me we need to stay quiet. My mom then calls and we stop and I wake up.
When I woke up I was again confused as to having a woman lover but thinking, “At least this time she is full grown.” lol There was no disgust or resistance to the dream scenario. In fact, there has not been any such thing for all the similar dreams I’ve had with women. As far back as my dreams go, in fact, I have not had any considerations regarding women in that regard. It is like I always feel they are equal to men in a sexual/romantic sense. This is very different from how I am in waking reality, though.
As I woke more fully I wondered about the dream. A song came to mind as if to pass on a message. I specifically heard, “I want you to be happier.”
It’s been an interesting few days. The energy has stabilized somewhat. I am sleeping better, my dreams often lost to me upon waking. I feel physically good but mentally bored. I long for a deeper connection with the world and with others. Interactions feel superficial in comparison.
Mostly I’ve been keeping busy. This often helps quiet my internal dialogue. I’ve been very physically active, running and lifting weights. Sunday I ran 13.2 miles and then yesterday I ran another 3.1 miles. When I run I don’t think. My mind goes quiet and all that remains is the present moment. It is such a relief! Thus the 13.2 miles on Sunday. lol It got me out of the house, away from the seemingly constant fighting and irritability of my children, and into nature under the wide open blue sky. I felt like I could have run forever until my calves started cramping and I realized my body wasn’t up for it. LOL
Yesterday, I started back working on my CES course (Corrective Exercise Specialist). I have until April to finish it and I do not like leaving things unfinished. Once I pass the test I will be able to use it with my personal trainer certification, if I choose to that is. I have not felt motivated toward that end just yet. However, last night after attending a group run, one of the group members complained of sciatic nerve pain and I showed him and a few others some stretches they could do to help alleviate the pain. One guy got on the floor with me to try it himself. When I showed them the full version of it (shoelace pose), the entire room stopped and gasped at my ability to seemingly contort my body into the position I was in. It made me laugh because 1. I don’t think of myself as flexible and they were commenting on how flexible I am and 2. I hadn’t expected so much attention. As a Leo I am at my best in such situations, so it was fun for me and felt good.
As I mentioned, dreams have been hard to recall lately, but I have had a few that seem significant.
Dream: Into the Vagina
This was a semi-lucid dream/vision. I had just awakened and then fell back to sleep and was in and out of the in-between. Someone took my hand and led me down into my own vagina (yeah really! lol). I entered into a dark tunnel at the end of which I saw a light. It felt like I was being shown something important; something healing. So, I was curious and did not resist.
I floated through the tunnel and found myself in a very brightly lit hospital. There were people, nurses and doctors mostly, hustling about. It felt very comfortable, as if I had spent many, many hours in this place. I remember encountering a female nurse who showed me a clipboard with paperwork on it.
Then I lifted up and floated to other areas of the hospital where I saw rooms with occupants. I never lingered in any spot very long. It was more like I was surveying the scene. As I floated I became more and more lucid and could hear a male voice in the background of my mind, as if he were whispering to me. I knew we were conversing and this peaked my lucidity which then woke me up.
After I awoke, the life where I was a nurse was flashing through my mind. I wondered if perhaps I was being shown past life memories? Maybe there was something from that life that is currently affecting this one, specifically my sacral chakra?
In that life I had been a black woman who worked as a nurse. I do not think I was paid well, nor do I think I got the recognition I deserved considering the era I lived in. I recall becoming infected with Hepatitis C from contact with a dirty syringe and later dying of liver failure. My children sang “I’ll Fly Away” to me on my deathbed in 1963. I had lived in Mississippi.
That was a very abusive life, yet also a very full and rewarding life as a mother and caregiver to others. Perhaps I was being shown the hospital to help remind me of the good I did in that life? Or maybe of my nurturing side? It is hard to know for sure.
Dream: Dog Race
I was traveling in a car with my husband. We were going to see a woman perform because my husband insisted. He was going on and on about all the reasons this woman was wonderful and there was no convincing him otherwise. I remember being irritated by his tendency to idolize and/or create role models out of others.
As we drove into the city I saw people walking toward the event we were to attend. A woman was dressed (projections, outward appearance) in what looked like a potato bag with a collar. My husband was commenting on how beautiful and elegant her dress was. I made a joke about how uncomfortable it must be to wear.
At some point we split off (different life paths), me alone in my own car. He went to the left and I headed straight. Suddenly, I came to a stop sign and had to slam on my brakes to avoid going through the intersection. There were only two ways to go: left or straight. I opted to go straight.
Very soon after making this decision I realized that I had gone into a circular drive (repeating cycle). I immediately began to search for an exit. The drive led to a dog racing track (looking out for self and own needs) and stadium. I could see the little dogs on the track and hear the announcer on the loud speaker telling the audience how much time was left until the races started. The countdown (feeling strapped for time) was very near zero so I had to find a way out.
I was not in my car during this time. I walked across a green area back toward the entrance. I dragged with me a plush sofa chair (laziness or boredom). Why I was carrying this, I have no clue, but it was with me until the end of the dream. When I got to the entrance I heard the races begin. There was a lady at the entrance locking up the gate with chains and padlocks. When I approached her, I asked where the exit was. She scolded me, telling me that the only way out was through the entrance and that I should have known that. I apologized and asked if she could open it, which she would not. Instead she suggested I squeeze through the gate and between the chains. I tried but said I was too tall and couldn’t fit. Clearly irritated with me, she opened the gate and let me through.
Relieved to be out, I walked to my right. The street was now gone and replaced with the inside of a very nice building reminiscent of a college (lessons). I walked down the hallway and sat on a bench, placing my sofa chair next to me. I waited there, wondering what to do next, and bothered by an itch in the middle of my back that I couldn’t reach (pun on itch that can’t be scratch).
I slowly began to gain lucidity at this time. A song was going through my head – You ain’t never had a friend like me. Along with it were images of my high school days when I was captain of the color guard. Good memories overall, I often smile at the thought of them.
When I awoke the song was on my mind as were the memories of performing the flag routine on a football field for UIL competition. Every time I hear the song I think of that moment and how exhilarating and exciting it was to perform with the other members of the color guard. We won the competition that year. We performed all the songs from Aladdin, routines we all collaborated on but that were mostly created by me. Thus, the sense of pride and accomplishment that comes with the memory. When I think of what it is to be a good leader, I think of that year and the amazing feelings that go with it.
As I lingered in bed, I mulled over the dream that preceded the song and wondered what it could mean. Immediately, my husband’s tendency to fixate on certain “awesome” individuals came to mind. He often asks me, “Who is someone you look to as a role model?” I never have one and usually say, “I don’t have any role models.” He can’t understand this and usually presses me, saying, “Think about it. Surely there’s someone you seek to emulate?” I always respond, “Nope.” When he continues to press me, I explain that I see positive traits in everyone, but also negative. There is no person who is “perfect”; all have flaws. Thus, it never made sense to me to select one over all others to be my “role model”. Instead, I tend to appreciate the good traits in those I associate with and work to better those things in myself. That is as close as I ever get to idolizing someone usually. And if I am honest, if I have ever considered idolizing someone I have always found some equally negative aspect in them.
Then I wondered about the end of the dream, how I sat there not knowing what to do. It brought up feelings of apathy about the future and other issues that have plagued me this life. I thought of the “dog race” in the dream and how it reflects previous dream messages – “go slow” and “go forward slowly, it’s not a race to the end”. There was again the feeling of waiting for something, for the years to pass so I could get to the “good parts”. There seemed to be so few of them.
I could feel my inner guide throughout this time, encouraging me to go to my center. This I did frequently, always feeling this comfortable place at my core and the warm energy that goes along with it. The feeling is similar to floating in warm water. No urgency. No fear. Just comfort and ease.
Then I noticed another song came into my mind – I Won’t Back Down.
At first I thought the song was about my husband. It definitely fit his personality. He is so stubborn and persistent!! But now I think it may have been a message to me to keep going, to not give up. Maybe it is both, though.
I am reminded of the years I spent living at my old address near my mom’s house in the country. We lived there 7 years. In that time there was a period when I wanted desperately to leave but no matter how hard I tried, things just didn’t work out. It felt like I was stuck there. There were periods when I despaired over the feeling of needing/wanting to go but being tethered to the spot for reasons unknown to me. I suspected I needed to stay for my mom, but really I had no idea why I had to stay.
Then one day a song came to mind – “7 years went under the bridge”. I don’t remember the whole song now, not even the melody, but that specific portion of the lyrics remains firm in my memory. I had no idea at the time that “7 years” was the key part of the message. 7 years was when the Kundalini suddenly began to return. 7 years was when we sold our house. 7 years was when my grandmother passed away. 7 years was when my third child was born. 7 years was when my mom remarried. 7 years was when I was hit with sudden Knowing that it was Time and I acted upon it.
That was 2014 and things really accelerated after that. But now they are slow again and I am feeling that problematic “stuck” feeling. Sigh. I know that familiar sense of Knowing will come again but when, I don’t know. If is is 7 years like before then I have 3 more to go and that seems like an eternity to me. But hey, if it is that long then I know it will arrive super fast because the older I get, the faster time seems to fly by. Today I’m 42, tomorrow I’m 60. lol
So, in the meanwhile, I’ll keep busy like I always do. I’ll finish my CES course. I’ll keep working. I’ll keep running. I’ll keep being a mom and I’ll keep learning the lessons this period in my life has to teach me. Hopefully, I won’t have to repeat any of them.
Living Life in Between 