Monthly Archives: April 2019

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Hello Insomnia, My Old Friend

For the past week I’ve been struggling to get to sleep at night. I’ll go two or three days with four or so hours of sleep and then, exhausted, sleep a full 8 hours or more. Then it starts all over again. Last night I was not able to fall asleep until past midnight despite going to bed around 10pm.

I’ve not been able to specifically pinpoint the reason for the insomnia yet. My mind isn’t overly active and, despite initial upset the first few times I experienced the insomnia, I am pretty relaxed and unconcerned about the lack of sleep. But even my body doesn’t feel tired. I am just AWAKE.

My best guess is that the insomnia is linked to the man I mentioned in a previous post, the one I connected with last August who just recently reconnected with me. We have been communicating daily since around April 7th. We are very tuned into each others energy and as a result I think my sleep cycle has been impacted by his. He tends to stay up late into the night working.

Last night, finding myself wide awake yet again, I decided to use the time to meditate. At first this proved difficult so I began to work with my energy. I began moving it from crown to feet and then cycling it back through over and over. Eventually I changed direction, moving my energy from feet to crown and back again. Throughout I focused on my third-eye and touched my tongue to the roof of my mouth as I breathed deeply, inhaling as the energy moved through my body and exhaling as it reached the top/bottom.

Hypnagogia and Short OBEs

With all the meditating and energy work, it is no surprise that the next thing I recall is an odd dream where I was walking along a creek looking at a creature I can’t recall. Something about the dream spiked my lucidity and the scene was replaced by very vivid and colorful hypnagogia (3D, movie-like moving patterns and shapes behind closed eyes). This hypnagogia reminded me of the Flower of Life except the circles that composed it rarely overlapped. The circles were various colors, all pastels and identical to the chakra colors. Each colored circle was spaced equidistant from the others, separated by numerous circles with no color. The entire image moved and breathed behind my closed eyes, seeming to flow along with my energy field which was vibrating quite noticeably.

There was a strong sense that this hypnagogia was different than other times I’ve experienced it. It seemed I was being given the opportunity to heal myself somehow. Yet, I did not recognized this straight away. Instead, I shifted OOB. It was seamless, as if I breathed myself out of my body.

I found myself in an unfamiliar house. A man was with me. I remember seeing him in front of me walking but all I recall of his form was that he was pale white, like ethereal; ghost-like. He was very obviously someone I knew because I felt connected to him, like he was friend or family.

The house we were in was as odd as he was. It seemed composed of walls but the walls were without substance. Yet they were dark and seemed solid. It was like we were inside a hologram of some sort. I could see through the walls if I chose and when I did they appeared to waver and shimmer.

I recall holding the man’s hand and then stopping and turning back. Memory of the hypnagogia came to mind and I knew that I needed to get back to that state. That I needed to take advantage of the opportunity to heal myself.

I let go of the man’s hand and shifted back into my body. I remember thinking about my heart charka as I did this, as if I knew healing was needed there.

As I returned, I was enveloped by the hypnagogia. It’s pulsating, breathing, warm energy/vibration wrapped around me. It was as if I became the hypnagogia and through it I began to be shown areas of my body that needed my attention. I recall talking to someone – a teacher I suppose. He asked me to listen to the energy, to observe and let it show me what I needed to see. The observation here was without sight. It was a feeling sense more than anything. I felt the vibrations at first all over. They seemed consistent but upon further inspection I noticed a distinct difference between the left and right sides of my body. The left side was stronger with “hot” spots. The most noticeable hot spots were just above my left hip and around the left side of my chest/heart area.

I remember hearing the voice asking me to look at the “petals” but I do not recall what happened next. There is a flash of memory of a flower, like a lotus, but that is all.

Dream – Tapping Into The Collective 

I woke briefly after that, returned to my meditation and finally drifted off to sleep.

There were many dreams from the night but one in particular woke me. It is hard to recall the specifics now because I was so tired and sleeping quite deeply. What I do recall is observing a scene. In the middle of a floor in a dark room were many figures made of clay. Each one about a foot or less in height. These figures were of people. A faceless person was standing over the figures. The person began to slowly and deliberately step on a figure until it was crushed. Then the person would go on to the next. And the next. And the next. As the person continued to step on the figures I heard someone ask, “How long will this be allowed to continue? Won’t you do something about it?” I then heard this woman call out, “Stop! Will no one stop it!”

There was with this voice an anguish and as I tuned into the emotion a full picture came to mind. I knew each figurine represented a person who was born with a physical or mental defect of some sort. Then each of the clay figures became a person with a story all their own. And all at once I knew their stories. All of them.

Suddenly I was the one crying out for someone to help them. My heart felt to be ripped out of my chest. As my dream self fell into a heap on the floor, I fell into my body as if pulled down by a heavy weight. Then that weight poured out of me in waves of despair.

As I woke and wiped away the tears, I felt a bit stunned. The emotion quickly faded but the memory of it was strong. Here I was experiencing something I had before. It seemed like I somehow tuned into a group of individuals and their Story. Just like in the past I had tuned into other groups – Native Americans and the Autistic – I must have tapped into the collective somehow, taking on the experiences of all those born less than perfect into this harsh world.

Then I remembered that prior to all his I had been shown the area of my heart as a place that needed attention. And I had gone to sleep focused on that area….

I could not sleep after that so I lingered in the in-between for at least an hour. I could feel energy in my body, moving along the left side primarily. My left kidney developed a sharp pain that briefly alarmed me, but it passed very quickly and I could feel the energy move up toward my heart. There is sat, pooling on the left side but there was no discomfort.

As I type this post there is a strong, almost hot energy encircling my throat. The healing continues…

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The Full Story

Hope you all had a great Easter holiday with family. I took my children to my mom’s house where we had a nice meal, hunted for eggs and went swimming. It was in the mid-80’s so nice and warm, though the water was pretty cold and we ended up in the hot tub more than the pool.

Before the egg hunt.
Hot tub time!

Since we were near our old house, we went to investigate the renovations. The house was open and cleared out so we did a walk through. The entire upstairs had been gutted, leaving only the beams and outer walls. The fire had most obviously stayed in the attic area because almost all of the damage was in the roof.

 

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Overall the damage to the house didn’t upset me but my daughter and oldest son were a little disturbed. Both of them remember the house from their childhood so it, of course, would be upsetting.

The Full Story

Both my step-father and later my husband would tell me the full story as given to them by the wife of the man who died. The night of his suicide the wife had opted to not sleep in the bed with her husband because of a long-time upset of him not sleeping in the bed with her. Instead he would work through the night in a type of mania. They had been trying to reconcile their relationship since Christmas and he had been doing well, going to counseling and meeting all her demands, but he had started slacking. So that evening when she took her stuff to sleep downstairs he asked her, “Are you sleeping downstairs.” She replied she was and told him, “You made your bed, now sleep in it.”

This set him off and he drank an entire bottle of wine while muttering and writing all over the walls and the bed sheets. He was blaming his wife for everything he had done and would do. He pulled all her clothes down from the closet and put them in a pile on the floor. She had just bought them and he thought she was trying to find a new man. He stood over them holding matches as he accused her of cheating on him.

She stayed downstairs most of the time and he would sometimes yell, “Is this really what you want?” And she would say, “Of course not. Come downstairs and lets talk about it.” But he refused and got more and more erratic. At one point he disconnected the internet so that she could not use it.

She took the pistol and hid it and later went up to check on him. He mentioned to her about the pistol and then pulled the shotgun out from under the bed. He knelt down on the floor with it, barrel up and looked at her, saying, “Is this what you want?” Then he discharged it into the ceiling. Fearing he intended a murder suicide, she got out of there as quickly as she could, grabbed the house phone and went outside. She called 911 as she hid in the bushes.

Outside she waited as the 911 operator talked to her. Through a window she saw her husband go downstairs with the shotgun in his hands. That was the last time she saw him. She did not hear it when he shot himself in the head but she did hear the fire alarms when the fire was set.

911 called out SWAT and they arrived first and one of them took her far from the house. Then the fire truck arrived but by then most of the upstairs had been destroyed by the fire.

Later, the men looking through the rubble found her husband’s phone under the pile of burned clothes he had lit on fire. She got the phone in working condition and then found over 4 hours of voice recordings from that night. She also found texts he had sent to family before he died telling them, “Listen to the recording”. There were older texts with a friend who had suggested she might be cheating on him.

She later found out that he had switched his life insurance plan from her being the sole beneficiary to her and four other family members. He did this while with family over the Christmas holiday. This might suggest that he intended to kill himself all the way back then and might have had a suicide plan ahead of time.

The night he killed himself he took the dogs downstairs (they had four) and then set fire to her clothes in the closet. He then positioned himself so that his body would fall into the fire after he shot himself. He created his own funeral pyre. The official cause of death was by gunshot, not fire.

Idea

The wife does not intend to live in the house again. She was advised to repair the damage and put the house on the market. I suggested to my husband that we buy it back. He is about to get a huge promotion allowing us to afford two mortgages if we chose. So I figure why not buy it back? So my husband spoke to the owner and she said she would consider selling it to us, we just don’t know if she will offer it to us before she puts it on the market or if she will make us wait and compete with other offers. If she chooses the latter and there is a bidding war, we likely won’t have a chance.

Based upon what my husband told me, she seems most interested in making a profit off the property. He says she was very bitter toward her husband and angry that he changed the life insurance and put her in the position of having to deal with a damaged house. So while I would love to return to our old home, the odds do not look to be in our favor unless we somehow end up getting enough cash to buy it outright (which is not impossible).

Other News

Almost a week ago now, my children found a baby dove wrapped in tissue in a planter along the sidewalk. We rescued him and have been feeding and caring for him ever since. He is thriving and getting bigger and stronger every day. He was just getting feathers when we found him. He now has full feathered wings and almost full feathers on the rest of his body. We call him “Birdy” and he lives in a cardboard box as his “nest”. Soon he will be trying to fly and be out of the nest, though. It is just a matter of time.

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I kind of see this little bird as a message but it is hard to say exactly if he represents anything, really. It is just a feeling. I suspect that by the time we release him that it will be symbolic of a similar transformation being complete for me. I have often received messages of how I am like a baby bird who eventually must eventually learn to fly and leave the nest. Perhaps some phase is soon to come to an end? We’ll see, I guess.

Dove Symbolism and Meaning:

  • Love
  • Grace
  • Promise
  • Devotion
  • Divinity
  • Holiness
  • Sacrifice
  • Maternal
  • Ascension
  • Messenger
  • Hopefulness
  • Purification

 

 

 

 

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Dream: Topaz Engagement Ring

I have been sick with a cold since Sunday. It began as a sore throat that lasted almost two days and is now in the congestion phase. My nose can’t decide if it wants to be running, stopped up or clear. As a result of my sickness, sleep has not been very restful but somehow I continue to have very vivid dreams.

The Kundalini is making itself known again. When the K rose it felt very restricted and tight as it moved through each chakra. Unfortunately, it didn’t rise all the way to the crown but got stuck right at my rib cage, just below my heart. The feeling of it was cold, like someone placed an ice pack where the bottom of my bra would be. Not a typical K sensation for me.

Not long after falling to sleep I was awakened to yet another strange experience where I saw next to me individuals who seemed to be interacting with my energy and body. This time I saw very clearly four – two couples. One couple was on my left and the other on my right. The ones on my left were the most vivid. He had dark hair and was smiling from ear to ear. The woman I can’t recall very well now. Somehow they were familiar and I was not worried by whatever it was they were doing. They seemed to be hanging out and doing something with my energy body but I was most definitely an observer of it all. Yet there was still the very strange sensation of someone(s) taking over, as if shifting into and out of me. Hard to describe.

Dream: Topaz Engagement Ring

My cousin was getting married. I was to attend along with other members of my family. While we were waiting, I ordered fried chicken (overcoming fear and anxiety) for everyone. I knew most of my family liked it, so I wanted to make them happy. I didn’t eat any.

Then we were at the rehearsal. I was told that at a certain part of the ceremony I would be asked to come up and say a prayer (personal power). My mom would go up before me to say a prayer, too. I did not want to say a prayer. It made me feel uncomfortable. I asked my cousin if she could maybe take me out of the ceremony. She was disappointed and urged me to stay in it. It felt like she wanted me there in some way, especially since she had not chosen me to be a bride’s maid.

The day of the actual ceremony, I sat in the church (seeking spiritual guidance) pew listening to the minister talk about sacred union. We were all given a small cup of coffee (awareness) as part of the ceremony.  My mind was on my cousin and how she ended up marrying the groom. She had discovered she was pregnant (potential, growth) in June and so the wedding was planned for July. I remember thinking she was similar to me.

As the ceremony progressed the moment when I was to say the prayer came and went. The minister instead did a moment of silence, saving me from having to go up to the front. I was relieved because I had spent a good amount of time unsuccessfully trying to figure out what to say in the prayer.

After the wedding was over, I went into a side room and ran into my cousin’s son. He was butt naked (vulnerability, openness) and didn’t care. I remember telling him, “Sometimes I like to walk around naked, too.”

I walked down the hall and ran into someone I knew. We walked into a kitchen (spiritual nourishment) together but it was as if we were walking through a maze. My memory here is sketchy at best. I mostly recall seeing the metallic silver (spirituality) of the walls of the kitchen.

Then I was outside in a parking lot (period of delay) standing by a parked pick-up truck (hard work). Inside the truck sat the man I had been with in the kitchen. His appearance is hard to recall but he was plain looking with dark hair. I also knew he was the ex of someone from my family, like my sister.

We spoke briefly about how his relationship had ended. Then he turned to me holding something in his hand. It was a small, silver ring set with a single, large blue stone – topaz (fortune, good companionship). He said, “Will you marry me?” and handed me the ring. This caught me off guard but I was unable to respond because he got up and quickly walked – almost ran – away and around the truck. I followed him and found him back sitting in the truck. I smiled, climbed onto his lap and said, “Yes.”

From there we began to kiss passionately and the K energy began to manifest mostly in the lower chakras which ultimately woke me up.

 

 

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Dreams: Water Park and Archaeological Dig 

The energy lately has been interesting. I see posts and blogs all over the internet mentioning the energy shifting and the alignments in astrology being prime for making important decisions regarding “who we are”. Interestingly, I feel as if I experienced these shifts beforehand; anticipated them and so already did the work necessary to ride them out without issue. So when I read everyone talking about this or that right now – the energy is “moving” or “shifting”, they are tired, they are struggling with the intensity of the energy in various physical and emotional ways, I think, “Hmmm”.

Over a year ago I would have been there right along with them, reporting on the energy shifts, discussing my symptoms and how I’m managing, etc. Now I just don’t feel on the same wavelength. It is like I jumped up a notch to a different frequency. I’m not bragging or claiming I am more advanced or anything, just that perhaps at some point we move away from the majority and into our own “zone”. And really it does feel like soul families are doing this in groups, shifting into their own family “frequencies”. Sadly, some of my “family” members have not shifted with me. Many, actually. But then we are all on our own paths and just because we are not moving along together on the same wavelength now, doesn’t mean we won’t be later on.

It reminds me a dream/OBE experience I had not long ago where I was traveling along on the highway and I saw a soul family member off the road driving an ATV and doing his own thing. I knew his destination was the same as mine but he was taking the “long way”, paving his own path through the mountains, rocks and mud.

This current shift has me feeling quite good, clear and optimistic. I continue to experience healing Kundalini. Last night and this morning it was quite intense in my second chakra but I also felt it in my root, throat, third-eye and crown. The root energy was quite pleasurable. The rest of the energy just felt similar to a really strong Reiki treatment.

Dreams: Water Park and Archaeological Dig 

My dreams were strange and I can’t recall much of them now. There was one very vivid memory of being in a water park where the water had been turned off. I heard the water suddenly released into the park and I was trying to get to the bottom of the slide before it swept me away. I ended up walking along the side and avoiding the turbulent water which was quite muddy. There were moments I waded through standing water that was about knee high as I made my way to the bottom.

In another dream I was with a group observing this tower that looked like a circular space craft atop a pillar (like a space needle). A discussion was taking place about how the access had been blocked to the tower. A team would be sent on a kind of archaeological “dig” to determine what happened so long ago.

I remember visiting the inside of this space needle via my consciousness. It had been a research facility and all the old equipment sat unused and covered in dust. Someone told me that the scientists had discovered a rare species and were in the process of doing tests. The creature looked like a large segmented insect similar to a centipede or millipede. I watched the past play out in front of me. Two scientists, one male and the other female, were interacting with the creature. The woman was on the bottom and the man over the top seemingly floating. The creature crawled over the woman and connected to her at her throat. From there it grew this large pouch and laid it’s eggs there. The pouch was large and brown and grew in size over time.

While I observed this, my lower chakras were igniting with energy. My root became the most intense but I also felt pressure building in my second chakra.

Ultimately, the energy woke me and continued for a while after. The song, Black by Pearl Jam was in my mind. The part, “Tied [tattooed] to all I see, all that I am, tied [tattooed] to everything…” going over and over.

Considerations

The above song has come to me before but not with the words changed like that. It says to me that whatever I was “digging” up in that dream is tied to everything. It is directly influencing this life, my personality, my perspective.

The water park is a common dream of mine. I think it has to do with emotions and how I “ride them out”. In this case I try to outrun them and then end up walking beside them and observing them. I suppose this is not a bad thing. It is better to observe them than to be carried away by them.

The archaeological dig dream was likely about me digging into my second chakra issues and other blockages that are preventing progress. I have been doing self-healing, looking specifically at the second chakra and trying to untangle the energy there. I asked for more insight and I think the dream was showing me the depth of the blockage and what it is linked to. The space needle could be indicative of time and space, like an incident that is very old and not of this time and space. The centipede/millipede is about hidden dangers in digging up the past. The fact that it creates an egg sac on the throat of the woman is kind of creepy especially since I woke up with a sore throat. The danger is “multiplying” and creating issues at the throat chakra somehow.

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Balancing the Spiritual with the Physical

Lots of lessons lately. Thankfully, I am clear enough that I am taking it all in stride. I believe the shadow work of the last few months has led me here. And I’m not the only one who has arrived. As my guidance said to me not long ago, I say to you now: Welcome back!

Firstly, I will start by saying, “Damn! I’ve changed! I’m so proud of myself. Well done, you!”

I mentioned in my last post that the Kundalini was visiting again. Well, this K visit was catalyzed by a person I had an online but highly energetic encounter with last summer, right around my birthday. Call it a soul family encounter of the 5D kind, I guess, because I have no Earthly idea what to call it or the specific reasons for it. Neither does he!

Last August our connection was preceded by a dream of my Mom’s house catching fire. When I woke I heard, “Fire. Two weeks.” As you can imagine it worried me seeing my childhood home in flames so I contacted my mom and warned her. Exactly two weeks later an online acquaintance emails me and tells me he has been waiting in the wings for about two years to propose to me that we connect at the energetic level. I didn’t know what I was getting into when I agreed it would be okay. The almost three weeks following ignited the K so intensely that ultimately he retreated, for personal reasons. However, it left me a bit in shock and it took me a few months to really process the entire experience.

At the time I was really proud of myself for not attaching to him or the energy between us. It was amazing to me how easy it was to be this way! As I have written many, many times before, the K is intoxicating and alluring, like a highly addictive drug. It is almost impossible to not become obsessed over your next “fix”. But somehow I didn’t have that reaction. I was able to fully separate during the “down times” between encounters, return to “normal” with a clear mind and heart. Considering just how different my experience was with this man, how magnetic even, my response was quite a feat!

Yes, I did enter into a dark period afterward, and maybe it was because of the after-effects of this encounter. I can’t say it didn’t influence what came next because eventually I did miss what we had, but only because when we connected it was telepathic and for the first time ever I was able to fully share myself with another. Meaning, what he felt, I felt, and vice versa.

Then there was the awful incident in my old house just last month. The man burning himself alive in the closet, dying and destroying the second floor we added in 2011. Within two days (I kid you not) the man from last summer emails me after no communication since last September. I can’t help but see a repeat of symbolism – fire. First from my dream and warning last summer and then this time to an actual event that resulted in death of both a man and the house of my past. By the day of the funeral, communication was well under way between myself and my old friend.

At this time there has not been any communication between us for over a day. I am okay with it because, like before, I have not attached to him or the connection we have, nor do I expect anything specific to result. I have just enjoyed the reunion and the company of someone who gets me. This time around the fire between us was never totally reignited, though the K was very active in me in a healing sort of way more than anything. My friend confessed his difficulty with resisting my energy, opened up more about what he experienced last summer and apologized for his abrupt disconnect.

For me his confessions gave me better understanding of what was and is going on. I had thought him much more advanced than myself in terms of the K. Turns out that I was wrong, or at least my assumption of some of it was inaccurate. He struggles with attachment and expectation. He is searching for something specific and is focused on that desire and the path to it. There are many lessons he has yet to learn about the nature of these connections, lessons I hadn’t really recognized until now.

Firstly, you can’t truly appreciate the Kundalini when you attach to it or have expectations about where it will lead you. Like my guidance warned, “Passion is a double edged sword” and other similar messages like “Follow the 8 Winds [of Buddhism].” I think it is inevitable that when one feels the K that they attach to it, desire more of it to the point of chasing that feeling, always wanting more. Eventually the path leads to non-attachment, surrender and the release of expectation. This is a natural process. It can’t be forced. The rising of the K itself results in these lessons being learned.

Next, once you’re Kundalini awakens, you will ignite others either consciously or unconsciously. There is no avoiding it. We are catalysts for each other. That means encounters like the ones I’ve had will continue. These encounters are often painful and lead to delving into the depths of the self that otherwise would never have been seen or experienced. However, if you release attachment and expectation and surrender to the experience you are able to recognize this process and better prepare for it.

Finally, the primary purpose of the K energy is as an ever-present guide and teacher. Once awakened it will never truly be gone. It may appear to go dormant but it is just in waiting. It is guaranteed to return one way or the other. Therefore, longing for it or worrying it is gone “forever” is pointless. The ego wants to control the experience, to know and to possess. If allowed to do this, destruction is inevitable.

I’ve developed a sort of weird appreciation for these encounters now. I see the potential for growth despite the very certain upset involved. Though this man is now retreating from the magnificent connection we have, I know he will be back at some point because there is unfinished business to attend to. No, I don’t know the specifics of all the work involved but I sense the growth that awaits the both of us once he commits to the task. What he wants at a spiritual level will win out over what he wants in the physical. I can provide what he needs spiritually as he can also for me.

Something I am learning throughout this process is what is means for the spiritual and physical to be in balance. The physical really is just a reflection of what is happening within each of us. Unfortunately, the physical is delayed because it follows the rules of Time. One of the messages I received from my guidance during this reunion was to slow down….and wait for the physical to “catch up” to the spiritual. I am able now to experience the two worlds (spiritual and physical) as if side by side and can easily see the discrepancies. Movement forward cannot happen until the two are in balance. It feels a certain way and is not something that will be easy to identify from the physical perspective. Trying to force the physical into submission definitely doesn’t work! When we try to do this we end up in a crisis that expresses itself through uncomfortable physical symptoms.

Right now I am back in acceptance and am not at odds with my life as I was just a few short weeks ago. My impatience is my downfall, though.

Edit: Have to add that I woke with song in my mind this morning. It reminds me of the OBE I had when I finally fully surrendered to the K. I was in the middle of the ocean and finally stopped struggling. To my surprise I floated. Safe. There was this beautiful calm and acceptance. I will never forget it.

 

 

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Message: Slow Down, Don’t Fall Off the Edge

Sunday I went to the funeral of the man who set himself on fire in our old house. I didn’t really want to go but felt I should.

The funeral was nice and, as most funerals do, it focused on only the positive about the deceased. There was quite a bit of crying and sharing of stories. I managed okay by keeping a tight reign on my energy field so as to not over empathize. At one point, though, my guidance suggested I open up a bit. When I did, I felt the presence of Spirit to my left, felt the grief wash over me and heard a quiet, “Thank you.” I knew it was from the deceased and rather than become emotional like everyone else, I pulled my energy back but not before my eyes got teary.

At the end we went outside for the military honors portion which was a first for me. My mom and step-father were there so we all went out to eat dinner afterward. It was a very enjoyable dinner with lots of laughing and good conversation.

Since the funeral I have not felt the deceased around. I think he may have moved on, or at least away from me, but then I have been quite distracted so it could just be I am not noticing him because of that. It appears that there was a warning in the “fire” of the man’s passing, a warning of the Kundalini’s return. I have been having waves of the energy rushing through me, lighting up my third-eye, heart, solar plexus, throat, and root (almost all of my chakras). It got so intense that I gratefully immersed myself in my normal exercise routine to ground the energy.

When I woke this morning the energy was present again, only this time in my second chakra and crown.

All throughout I have been sensing a message of, “Slow down” and “Take it slow” from my guidance. Funny enough, as if to push the point, I had a wonderful encounter with a very large turtle in my back yard last night. We have a creek that runs along the border of our property. Just recently it flooded quite severely but the water receded as soon as the rain stopped. The turtle was likely seeking a reprieve from too much water, sunning himself near the water’s edge. Despite myself and my entire family getting very close, he refused to move. He looked like a large, moss covered rock, ancient and strong.

Along with the message of “slow down”, I have also been receiving warnings. Specifically I have heard, “Passion is a double edge sword.” With it comes a visual of walking on a tightrope. Don’t fall off the edge….

Another message came in the song, Borderline, by Madonna. Specifically, “You keep pushing my love over the borderline.”

Dreams

I’ve been sleeping deeply without too many dream memories upon waking. I recall one dream from last night where I was de-cluttering my daughter’s room. What is most memorable is her closet. She had been using it as a shower and so the clothing and furniture that was near it was becoming soaked. I went directly to it and began to move the items away. I found a huge bundle of belts (feeling conflict between what I think and what I feel). More than any person could ever wear. I was saying, “Why do you have so many belts? You don’t even wear belts.” I took them and separated out the majority for donation.

Inside her closet there were clothes on the floor. I picked up two coats (protection) and put them on hangers. They were her brother’s coats, not hers. Near the closet was a small nightstand with drawers. I had to move it across the room but there was not any space left. So I set it on top of her dresser. When I did this, the table morphed into a white tank or aquarium (emotions yet to be confronted, feeling of going in circles). Inside was a set up for a turtle or similar. The tank filled partially with water when I set it on the dresser.

Considerations

When I woke I was full of thoughts over how to reconcile the human and spiritual sides of myself. The two must be in balance and if they aren’t then problems or conflict will occur. What the spiritual desires the physical side may not yet be ready to embrace. The dream seemed to echo my thoughts, especially in the cluttered room and the multitude of belts.

 

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Intense Kundalini Healing

Tomorrow is the funeral for the man who set himself on fire in our old family home. My husband wants to attend but I have mixed feelings. Mainly I am hesitant because I don’t like funerals and didn’t know the man very well. However, I have also had a sense that this man is hanging around just outside my energy field. There comes with this sense thoughts of the fire, of him, of the circumstances of his death, etc.

Last night, in fact, he was close enough that I recognized him and heard him asking me to help him communicate with his wife because “she is in so much pain.” I told him I didn’t think it would help her at this time, especially if she is not seeking it.

He wouldn’t go away and I began to feel very concerned because his energy made me feel strange. He was telling me that he did not deserve what “heaven” had to offer him and I tried to tell him he did deserve it. I enveloped him in white light and he tried to resist it but eventually he allowed himself to experience some of it. I told him to be at peace he needed to accept the light. He thanked me but did not leave. I don’t think he is earth bound, at least not in the sense that some who pass become, but he could be at risk for it if he continues to reject the light.

Some of my dreams of late have been indicating that the use of my spiritual abilities will come up for inspection. Mediumship has been the most frequent sign from the Universe. Not only have I sensed the man but have also been asked in a FB group many questions about my gifts lately. With all the other strange things happening to me, I find that I have an illogical fear connected to tapping into my gifts again. I fear it getting out of control for some reason.

Anxiety Again

I had a really strange bout of anxiety a couple of mornings ago. It was the day I had two OBE’s (last post) and did not get much sleep. The coffee I drank was stronger than usual and made me feel loopy and fatigued. It reminded me of the jet lag only not as severe.

I did research on caffeine sensitivity and I have about every symptom listed. As a person gets older their sensitivity to caffeine can increase to the point of intolerance. The Kundalini also can make a person intolerant of stimulants like caffeine.

So, I decided to go back to half-decaf and wean myself off coffee. At this point it is the only thing I can do to exert some control. Hopefully it will lessen this very “wide open” feeling I’ve been having for a while now.

Kundalini

Along with all of the above the Kundalini has become more active again. Last night it awakened me in the middle of the night. It was not the bliss kind of Kundalini this time. Instead it was intense energetic healing to my sacral and solar plexus chakras. It was so strong that I often found myself holding my breath at times.

At one point the energy was very noticeable along my left side. It felt like it was following a channel up the left side of my spine. It spread all the way to the top of my head and the tips of my toes.

The energy lasted for much longer than I wanted and I finally told my guidance I was too tired and to tone it down so I could go back to sleep. They did as I asked.

Concerns

I have been feeling “off” and this has been going on for quite a while now. My dreams lately cause me to think I am interacting with different timelines. I often wake up confused or have periods of amnesia both within my dream and after I wake. The dream snippets I recall usually have multiples of the same person or are of me selecting specific paths to view the outcome.

My husband leaves on business travel next Wednesday for an unknown period of time. This worries me a bit because the last time he was gone I had so many panic episodes. As it is, I am sometimes feeling like I am barely hanging on to my sanity. I pray that it all settles down soon.

 

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OBE: Octelion

My son got sick yesterday and I had to leave work early and get him. He was throwing up and had a horrible headache. He told me he ate too many vitamins and so I was worrying he had overdosed on the gummy vitamins we had. He said he had 5 but then kept changing his story and I realized he could not have eaten them that morning because he had been in either my presence or his father’s the whole time.

I watched him get better as the day progressed until he seemed 100%. I made sure he drank lots of water and put him to bed.

He woke me at 1:30am crying hysterically saying his head hurt. I took him downstairs and gave him medicine and some water in his sippy cup. He drank the water and went up to bed only to come back crying about 10 minutes later saying he needed more water and his head still hurt. I got him more water and he drank it all and said he felt better. His head seemed to hurt randomly.

I put him to bed but couldn’t go back to sleep. I was worried about him and so got up to do research about vitamin overdose. Thankfully his vitamins did not have iron in them, which would have been the worst. The other vitamins can be flushed over time with lots of water and since he was only having mild symptoms that were getting better I was able to settle down to try and sleep.

I remember laying on my back and talking to a female guide to my left. I also recall a strange sensation of my arms and legs not being my own, as if someone had taken over control. It concerned me and a flood of memory came back of many other times I have felt this. I was reassured that all was well and there was a Knowing this was true. I had been talking about my time here in this body as if I were a visitor prior to all of this. So very odd to remember and very disconcerting!

The last thing I remember thinking was, “I am probably going to go OOB.” That is exactly what happened.

OBE: Octelion

I do not recall falling asleep, only that there was a sense of a shift and I knew I could exit my body. I opened my astral eyes and saw my darkened bedroom. Sitting up, I exited my body without incident and said to my guidance, “Take me to another life.”

I flew to my window and immediately through it without encountering any resistance. Outside my vision was perfect and vivid. The sun was bright at the mid-day position.

I saw my daughter and joined her on the street curb. She was with a woman who was asking her questions, like a reporter. I recall the woman asking my daughter how long it had been since the Octelion had visited and telling her, “You don’t know how special you are to get visits from them!” I felt strange throughout their conversation, like in a daze. I somehow knew the Octelion was a space craft.

The woman asked me, “Do they visit you as well?” I couldn’t answer. I felt strange, couldn’t catch my breath, and collapsed to my knees. The woman tended to me, taking my vitals as she talked to me. She was talking to my daughter about me as she checked my heart rate. I could sense my heart rate was fast and irregular. I also had trouble breathing and my eyes were closing of their own accord. I could see my eyelids close and open as if I were looking through a window; like they were not my own eyes. The eyes would close and open until they closed for longer and longer periods of time. I could feel the woman putting a stethoscope up against my chest, my arms, my legs. At one point I was laying face up on the ground and the woman placed something over my mouth and nose. I flinched when it made contact with my face and realized it was an oxygen mask. I breathed in deeply and it revived me.

Feeling better, I stood up and took on the role of the woman whose body I occupied. A group was gathered outside, seeming to be waiting for something. There was a concern in the air, like an anticipation mixed with fear. I saw people come out of one of the houses and it felt like we had all been waiting for them to come out. The people in the crowd gathered closer as did I. A young man came out. He wore brown clothing with a hood up covering his head. He seemed to have been in custody and was being released. I ran up to him and asked, “Chase! Are you alright?” He nodded and kept walking with a blank look on his face. Armed guards were on either side of him and escorted him down the street along with other prisoners.

I watched as chaos erupted and shots were fired. I realized that the place/time I was in was in the midst of war. The armed guards ran down the street and I heard a loud roar, like a big cat only much more menacing sounding. My daughter and I followed the crowd, curious and trying to get away, even knowing something very bad was happening in the direction we were heading. I recall the adrenaline rush as I ran with her, holding her hand.

We came to a corner and began to hear the roaring much louder. It was very unsafe and I grabbed my daughter before she went around the corner, sensing the thing making the noise would be upon us soon. I saw some bushes lining a building and pulled her behind them saying, “Here! We hide here!” We ducked behind the hedges just as a over sized tiger came into view. He was taller than the men on either side of him, his jaws enormous as he roared. It was deafening.

When they passed we ran back out onto the road up the path the tiger had just walked on. On the left of us were people sitting under large umbrella tents of various bright colors. The tents were up against a solid, concrete building or structure that I could see no end to. It was like a massive wall. The men under the tents looked like monks – mostly bald with brown clothing.

The last thing I recall is looking around me at the vivid scene and thinking how strange this place was that I found myself in.

soul-library

OBE: Never Ending Library

My vision blacked out and I shifted back into my body momentarily and exited again. I was inside my dark bedroom like before and headed toward the closed door. I felt odd, like my energy was shifty and I was not stable. Something caused me to turn back to the window. When I saw it, there was bright light streaming through the edges of the blinds indicating daylight outside.

I went to the window and tried to go through it like before but it wouldn’t budge. I even floated up, pressed both my feet on it and pushed with all my might. Eventually I just opened it and went outside.

I intended to fly but fell directly to the ground and landed softly. I remember thinking, “Oh, I’m falling!” and then when I hit the ground realizing it was much different than I thought it would be.

I tried to fly out and away from the house but was pulled inside and found walls and ceilings around me. As I continued to try and leave it was as if the house went with me and no skies were ever reached. Instead, when I flew up I went through several floors all containing a massive and grand library with marble floors and shelves that went to the ceiling.

There was not another person in sight as I flew up. Eventually I felt to be pulled faster and faster through the library ceiling, the floors never ending and each an exact match to the one before. There was a sense of not being able to breathe that kept coming through. I was gasping for air and the air I did get seemed thin and insufficient. There was also a sense that my heart was straining without the oxygen and that my body was struggling. Ultimately, these physical issues brought me back to my sleeping body.

When I came back into my body the difficulty breathing was still apparent and my heart was beating very rapidly. I turned on my right side and this seemed to help. I wanted to go OOB again but was worried it was not good for my body so decided not to.

Considerations

I am not sure why I asked to be taken to another life. Usually when I go OOB I have no set intention and this time it was the first thing I did. The strange energy, heart rate, and breathing issues that were present were acute. It was like I really did enter into another body somewhere and the impact on the body caused it distress. I had someone helping me adjust, though, and once I adjusted I seemed to know what the body knew.

I went into the experience as if on autopilot. I knew names, situations, etc. If I was in fact in another reality, they were in contact with “aliens” and were at war, though I do not know who the enemy was. The giant tiger was a strange sight and the adrenaline rush I felt was very real but I do not recall ever feeling fear.

The second OBE was very odd, too. A never ending library I seemed unable to escape, though that really didn’t seem to bother me. The physical symptoms were very distinct, so much so that they woke me and were still present for about two minutes after. My heart was beating rapidly (normal) but I was also struggling to get enough air into my lungs. The latter rarely happens and this time I felt to be near suffocation. Not pleasant! I had no cold symptoms or anything to explain it like I have in the past.

The past few days I have been feeling odd and cannot shake the feeling. I have had some strange experiences and body sensations. For example, for two nights in a row I was awakened after just falling asleep by what I assume were visitors in Spirit. They were very vivid and shocked me awake. I had also had odd feelings upon falling asleep, feelings like I mentioned above, as if my body is not my own or someone is taking it over. Each time, though, I wake up, notice the odd occurrences, and then easily fall back to sleep.

Today I have been feeling highly anxious and several times now have fought off having a panic attack. I am beginning to suspect the anxiety stems from coffee and am at the point now where I think I will just have to stop drinking it. I was drinking half decaf coffee and it seemed to help but maybe I just need to go cold turkey.

I have long heard others who have active Kundalini say they became very sensitive to caffeine. So maybe it is finally my turn to experience this? If stopping coffee doesn’t work then to the doctor I will go. I can’t take this high anxiety that makes me feel like I will pass out. Yuck.

 

 

 

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What If?

Yesterday had a particular quality of energy to it that followed me throughout the day. Maybe it was the awful news from the day before reminding me that death comes to us all, but I could not shake the feeling that time was ticking away.

A memory of something I was told close to a decade ago came back to me. I was sitting on the porch of our old house. My guidance asked me, “If you only had 10 years left to live, what would you do differently?” After a brief consideration I answered, “Nothing.”

With this was a nagging memory of the dream from the night before indicating a 6 month time frame. It made the feeling of time ticking away that much stronger. I tried to think what year it was that the question above was asked. How old was my daughter? What events do I remember around that time? I can’t recall and my journals do not mention the question. That means it must have been between 2009-2010. That means the 10 years is fast approaching or maybe even already here.

I pushed the consideration that my “time is up” out of my head. Surely that question so many years ago was not literal? Then I thought to myself, “What if it is up?” And I thought, “I would be okay with that.” Then I wondered, “Would I change anything?” I laughed and told my guidance, “I would smoke every night…no wait, I would smoke pot. I miss smoking pot.” lol I recall my guidance asking, “What about living life? What about your family?” I was reminded that pot blurs things, pushes me into the trance state and leaves me foggy. Probably not a good way to spend my life, not really being here and enjoying my family.

Then I was sad because if I had that little time left then I likely was not going to connect with a person at the physical and spiritual level; experience and share that glorious Divine state with another. I heard my guidance say, “You never know what can happen in six months.”

My own mortality doesn’t bother me really. Death doesn’t scare me. I am more than ready to explore what lies beyond the physical. I do it already in my sleep and sometimes during the day. And I know these kinds of messages are often misinterpreted. Yet when I fully embrace the possibility that I have so little time left I do not want it to end. Weird, huh? It is probably exactly what my guidance intended me to realize. They often say to me, “You don’t want to die. You want to live.”

Dream: What If?

I met my physical counterpart only we were much younger – late teens, early twenties. We began a relationship but he was not at all as expected. When we made love he was very distant and I felt used during and discarded after. The connection between us that I knew was there was never present during those times. It was very physical and not at all spiritual or magical.

I kept making excuses for him – he must be tired, maybe he’s just feeling frustrated, next time will be better, etc. There was no way I was going to bring up my concerns to him because he might decide to break up with me or get angry.

Then there were the people he hung around with. They were shady and doing things that felt to be illegal. He took me with him to do something and dropped me at one of his friend’s houses to stay there until he was finished. The friend was a blonde lady who was older, a bit overweight and very rough around the edges. The house was nice with nice things and the woman was dressed well and wore lots of fine jewelry. She was not wanting for anything.

I remember sitting in my bedroom there thinking to myself and having a conversation with someone, a guide likely, about the situation I found myself in. The disconnected sex, the feeling of being used, the disappointment, the fear, etc. The woman came in at one point and told me that she had left some dishes – glasses specifically – out for me to put away. She told me, “If you are going to stay here then you are going to pitch in.” The request felt more like a threat and I told her I was sorry and would get around to it, but lingered talking to my guide a bit longer.

I recall considering that I may had projected the love and connection I desired onto my boyfriend. It was an expectation he could not meet and so the disconnect grew between us. The feelings I experienced at this point were disappointment at myself and a kind of resignation or surrender.

I went into the kitchen to put away the glasses (transcendence). They were set out on the counter. I noticed how nice the kitchen was. It had a section just for making coffee (awareness), espresso and cappuccino – every kind of coffee imaginable. I opened the cabinet to put away the glasses and noticed there were small circular raised spots the perfectly fit them. I knew to place a glass on each circle.

Dream: Silver Dollar

Then I was walking into a room full of people who were sitting at a massive oval table. There were more than I could count and they recognized me as I entered. The gathering was of people with spiritual abilities of all kinds. They were just like me.

A woman pulled out a seat for me and greeted me, asking me where I had been. The dream I had just left felt so real to me and I was confused for a bit. She asked about my physical counterpart and a memory came to me of being with him at the pool. I recalled it had been August and we had been dating since mid-summer. That was the first time we ever got intimate and the memory of the experience was so raw and devoid of connection that I withdrew from it. I immediately made an excuse for him in my mind.

At this point in the dream I was feeling really guilty for my behavior and avoidance of the truth. The woman began to distract me with coins. She laid them out before me. I remember she had some rare ones, silver dollars (strong spiritual abilities) that were larger than a dinner dish. I pointed out how rare they were and she said she had more. She took me to her room and opened a chest. Inside were more. I remember she was excited that they might be worth something. She said she had access to as many as she wanted from the church.

Dream: Ukraine

The next thing I recall is visiting a farm in the middle of nowhere. It was beautiful country and the house was small and quaint. It had a very foreign feel to it yet at the same time I felt at home there.

I was still young, probably around 18 years old, and visiting the family for an unknown reason. The couple who lived there showed me various aspects of farm life. I mostly remember seeing several large dogs (protection, fidelity) who were about to have their hair shaved and petting one.

The couple had several children of various ages. At one point were were all gathered together peeling various fruits and vegetables. I sat on the floor. There were two young men sitting above me at the table.

I sat peeling a Kiwi (period of growth and good fortune) and talking to a younger sibling about eating a banana. I recall seeing the mashed (suppressed) banana (playfulness) on the floor and looking at the Kiwi fruit in my hand. A conversation started between me and the boys. I asked their ages and the older one said his brother was 15 and he was 18. The brother at this point felt like my physical counterpart but it was like a passing thought I did not pay attention to.

As we talked another dream took form within the dream. Me and the older boy and his siblings were walking through a channel filled with water (emotion). The water was about waist high. There was tall grass on either side and overall I felt curious like a child. As we walked we encountered a group of gypsies (time to awaken spiritual abilities). The boy indicated to keep going so we did, only one gypsy intercepted us and the dream faded out.

I was back talking to the older boy. His appearance was clearer and I grew more lucid. He had black hair and brown eyes and was very attractive and I could feel an intensity of interest from him. I thought to myself, “He is interested in me.” He said something to me and I saw the entire dream sequence above again, only this time in reverse. Then it played over again only this time the gypsies did not intercept us and we continued on our way.

My awareness went back to the house and I was staring at the boy. He looked at me very seriously and asked me, “Why did you really come here? Was it just to pick out a dog? Or did you intend to choose a (husband maybe – I can’t recall the word he used now)”.

When he said this my lucidity peaked even more and it was as if he and I were face to face. I suddenly knew I was in the Ukraine, which made no sense. As we stared into each other’s eyes a beautiful energy enveloped me and I could feel the connection between us. I remember thinking, “I know you” but before I could continue the energy woke me.

I lay in bed for a while with the bliss, snuggling into it as much as I could before it inevitably passed. I did not want to wake up.

A song was going through my mind – “I will remember you. Will you remember me. Don’t let your life, pass you by. Weep not for the memories.”

Considerations

It is rare that I have dreams where I feel like I just lived an entire life. That was what the first one felt like. It felt real. It felt like I lived it. Had I not entered into the second dream and talked about the first one, I likely would have continued to think it was not a dream.

At first it feels like the dream is about my physical counterpart, but after a while it seems more similar to how I am with men in relationships, at least the emotions are. If I am unhappy early on I do not voice it. I make excuses for them and think their faults will magically disappear down the road. I want it to work out so bad that I ignore the bad and put up with things I otherwise would not just to make the relationship work.

The table with the circle seems to be me connecting with others like me, those who are working to help humanity, using their spiritual abilities and awareness, etc. The message seems to be that I need to tap into my abilities.

The last dream is the most odd. I do not understand it really but the feeling of connection was there and the bliss was beautiful. Again, it was very vivid, like I had actually visited the country of Ukraine.

The song seems to say, “Don’t linger on the past. Enjoy the present. You are alive!” It feels like I am being reminded that life is a gift, so I need to live it.

Interestingly, I had this thought on my own on Saturday when I decided to let my son pick his birthday activities. I decided to stop worrying over future what if’s – money, retirement, health – and focus on the present. How can I make the present better for me and my family? Do things that we all enjoy regardless of the present cost (money-wise) or potential for it to drain our savings (future consideration). Live life for today.

We will be going on a family vacation to South Padre again in May. In between I hope to just be less restrictive overall. There is no point in holding back today when there may not be a tomorrow. This is what I think my guides mean when they say, “You are ALIVE.”

Also, another sync – when I checked my gmail this morning there was a question on Quora listed – What makes a person remember you?” I still had the song above on my mind. Ha!

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Unexpected Shake Up

Yesterday was my son’s 5th birthday. Though we already celebrated last weekend, I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday. He said he wanted to eat cupcakes and after I provided him with ideas said he wanted to go to the “jump-o-line” place. So, that is what we did.

We had a great time but afterwards my children got hungry so we stopped to get some food. In the car my husband noticed my mom had left him a voicemail so he put it on speaker phone and played the message.

We thought it would be a “happy birthday” message. It wasn’t.

She told us that the husband of the couple who had purchased our old house had locked himself in the master bedroom closet and set himself on fire.

He had PTSD. My mom said he had “episodes” in the past, but I am not sure what the others entailed. His wife was a counselor so managed the best she could. Unfortunately, she could not handle him.

My daughter immediately burst into tears. She was inconsolable for about 15 minutes.

My heart sank. I could not believe what I heard.

The rest of the evening was colored by the news. My husband drove out to our place to take a look. The wife of the couple was in a hotel with their dogs. In shock. So, he was able to look at the damage. The entire upstairs (an add-on we completed in early 2011) that included the master bedroom, closet, master bath and a second bedroom, was destroyed. The roof above the closet where he had set himself on fire had a gaping hole in it. The severest damage was located there.

The downstairs was completely untouched.

I was at first upset about the house but that quickly shifted to being upset about the whole situation, especially the fact that he had felt so much pain that dousing himself with gasoline and setting himself on fire was preferable. I imagined the experience from his point of view and his wife’s.

His wife was present when he did it and likely had to listen to his screams until they stopped and then had to wait for the fire department listening to the silence, an ever-present reminder that her husband was dead, while watching her house burn in front of her.

I can’t even imagine the husband’s point of view. However, I contacted him in Spirit to check on him. His guides came forward first but then he did. He was beside himself with upset over what he had done. He is worried about his wife and the devastation he caused. He kept saying, “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

He is lingering at the house where he died. He will likely stay there a while, watching his wife and going through the healing he was never able to complete while in his body.

I don’t know whether she will rebuild. It she does I can’t imagine she will still live there, sleeping in the master bedroom next to the closet where her husband killed himself. Could you do that? I couldn’t.

If she decides to rebuild and sell she has to disclose that someone died there. I don’t know how successful she will be at selling the place.

It’s all very sad and I can’t shake the feeling that I knew it was going to happen because…I did, just not like it did.

When I use to live there I had visions of the house catching on fire, specifically the upstairs. I could never figure out why.

I had a dream last summer about a fire. I called my mom to check on her because in the dream it was her house on fire. I told her about my dream but then nothing happened so I let it go. I am thinking now it was a warning, just came out in the dream as my childhood home.

When the couple bought our house I told my husband, “They will only last about four years.” I thought they would divorce and sell the house. They almost did – last summer (around the time of my dream!) but then reconciled. Turns out the split happened anyway. 4.5 years after they bought our home.

It is almost like it was fated that they be apart one way or the other.

It is unsettling. I feel unsettled.

In the last month I have lost three people I knew in this life. None I was very close to but they were close enough to have an effect. The first was my coworker. Cancer. The second was someone I knew for many years. Cancer. And now this.

Three people in a month. WTF?

It took me a while to fall asleep last night as you can image. My guidance warned me, “Don’t over empathize.” I tried not to. At first I did and it was causing me to experience quite a bit of upset. So, I focused on the good parts of the day, my son and my family. It worked.

Dream: Six Month Stay

The dream begins in a house (Self). The coloring I recall the most is of gold, yellow and white (spiritual). Everything feels new and unfamiliar. I am a bit nervous because I have just moved in (could be indicating new chapter in life).

The members of the group I am living with vary in age. In the kitchen I recall a woman who reminds me of someone at work. There are others but she is the only one I recall specifically.

My best friend (aspect of self) from high school happens to live in the home, too. I remember discussing how I came to be there. Our benefactor/boss/father/teacher (not sure which for he felt like them all) was brought up frequently. It felt like he placed me and the others in the house. We had to sign a six month lease. I recall seeing my contract and signature and knowing the way it worked.

He (the benefactor) provided room and board, so food was rationed out. In the kitchen there were large bags of provisions that were to be split among the residents. I was told that I would get my share every month. I noticed one bag was full of rice but it shifted and looked more like hashbrowns (longing for Home). I told the lady I did not eat hashbrowns and would donate my portion. I told her I like potatoes whole (difficulties over short period of time) as well as lots of vegetables. I saw someone was preparing veggies and wondered if they had to buy their own. It felt like they did.

I was shown my room, which was located on the right after entering the hallway. My room was neat and nice but I remember sitting inside feeling homesick. I could not imagine living there for so long and began to get desperate to leave. I talked to my friend about it, saying I would prefer to go live at home. She reminded me of the six month lease I signed and I said, “I will pay the lease but live at home. I don’t want to stay here.” In my mind I was imagining the feel of home – safe, secure, warm and curled up in my bed.

Ultimately, I could not leave and had to go about my “work” which included going to class. Class consisted of sitting in a darkened room and staring up at screens. Questions would appear on the screen to be answered. There was another person in the room on my right, also in a chair. The other person was my friend. As the questions came up we had to answer almost like a quiz show, as if we were in competition, but we weren’t. Our answers would be scored and a score would show on the screen. One of my answers was incorrect and a voice from nowhere corrected me. Then the score showed and my grade was 76% while my friend’s was 90%.

My friend was stressing over being behind in her work. She had not been doing her assignments and I knew it was because she was dyslexic and had not told anymore. I asked if she wanted my help and she agreed.

Afterward we went back to our rooms but I could not remember where mine was. I went into a room I thought was mine but it was very different – messy, cramped and masculine. I left quickly trying not to be noticed and went to my friend’s room to help her with her assignment. I would read it aloud so she could get it done faster.

Then I went to another class with mostly male classmates. We sat in a circle in a library (wisdom, knowledge). I felt very out of place and my classmates were unfamiliar. I don’t recall a teacher. I listened as they spoke of spirits and I interrupted asking if they wanted to talk to them. Curious they listened and I told them of two who were there.

Considerations

When I woke the song that was on my mind yesterday was there again, only this time I heard, “Let’em say we’re crazy, what do they know?”

My guess is that part of the song is referring to the man who set himself on fire and how “crazy” it was. Or it could be something else…But the song is back.

My dream was very vivid, especially the longing for Home and the sense that I had to endure another six months in an unfamiliar place, learning lessons and doing my “work”. I don’t know if the time frame is significant or not yet. We’ll see I guess.

Overall, I can’t kick the feeling that something is “up”. The saying, “Change is in the air” feels applicable. I am still very bothered by what happened in my old house and can’t get it out of my mind. It is difficult not to think of this reality as harsh and unforgiving when things like that happen. But mostly I am sad because he could have been helped and now all that is left is the pain of his sudden passing and the devastation it is causing to his family and loved ones. His poor mother. His poor wife. 😦