It has been a rough week or so for me. One of those weeks when everything seems to snowball. Maybe the energy was primed for such a week. Who knows. All I know is that I am glad for it to be (seemingly) over.

First off, I’ve been extremely fatigued. I am still not sure if it is a lingering mystery illness, stress, hormones, or some vitamin deficiency. The heart racing episode I had over a week ago seems to have been the starting point (you can read about it here). Mornings tend to be the worst but are gradually getting better. The drugged feeling was similar to how I felt after my c-section surgery in 2014. Back then it was anemia that was the culprit. The tiredness got so severe that I felt like I did when I went to Hawaii earlier this year – like really bad jet lag.

My response to the fatigue has been to take a week off from working out and just listen to my body. I also started taking B vitamins and iron supplements just in case I am slightly anemic.

I’ve also been extremely depressed, emotional, and full of anxiety and worry. When I tune into the anxiety I usually end up crying. There is pit of emotion that seems to be the source of the anxiety along with that empty feeling I’ve had all my life. The emptiness seems to have no end. I think I have been descending into it slowly for a while now.

With all my own personal stuff, there has been chaos in the physical. First, my youngest had a mysterious illness that lasted almost a week. He got a bad headache and fever as well as fatigue to the point that he would sleep most of the day. He would cry about the headache, I would give him medicine, he would sleep and then the cycle would repeat. It scared me that it lasted so long and I was a bundle of worry the whole time. Eventually, his fever broke and then he had diarrhea for a little while.

Of course, my husband was out of town the entire time my son was sick. 😦

To top it all off, Saturday my dog Monty was brutally attacked by a Boxer mix on our morning walk. The dog got out of the house by mistake, saw Monty, and went immediately into kill mode. He latched onto the top of Monty’s neck and would not let go. The owners were there but could not get their dog to release Monty. They were yelling and screaming, hands on their dog’s head and in his mouth as I watched helpless and Monty yelped and tried unsuccessfully to get to his attacker. Eventually, about 3 minutes later and after the owner asked an onlooker to get a garden hose, the dog released Monty.

One of the owners asked me to take her name and number. I happened to have my phone with me. I never bring it but did that morning. She typed in her info, hands shaking and covered in blood. I walked Monty home and then called my husband for help. He was working and could not come help me and I began to cry from the overwhelm. He called the owner and got her to come over and drive me and Monty to an emergency vet. She stayed with me for three hours and paid the bill when we left.

Monty had several puncture wounds in his neck but was otherwise okay. He came home with pain meds and antibiotics. Today. two days later, he is doing much better, but the day after he barely moved and had me quite worried.

 

Yesterday, hit with morning fatigue and feeling weak, I ended up in panic mode having to talk myself through a sense of impending doom. Thankfully it worked and by late afternoon, after a trip for a manicure-pedicure and some me-time, I felt much better.

On the drive home, after seeing an unexpected rainbow on a sunny day, the memory of the heart bliss came to me. As I began to accept the amazing feeling, it felt to be a message of hope. The feeling and memory returned later that evening. Rather than the feeling coming from just one guide it felt to be coming from many. Once acknowledged the feeling faded but it helped and that is what matters most.

Dream – Plane Tickets

Sleep came easily and my dreams were memorable.

In this dream, I was told that my youngest was selected for an all-expenses paid trip to what looked in my mind like Africa (going home or to your “roots”) but it was an island. This was the location of First Contact and the entire nation was focused on the event. My son could be accompanied by two adults and for some odd reason I gave the tickets to my BIL and SIL. It was only later that I discovered the trip would last two months and I regretted giving away my ticket then. I remember saying, “No one told me he would be gone that long!”

At one point I was able to convince the government to give me and my husband tickets as well. There was an entire portion of the dream where I received an email with passport number and clearance. Then, I recall getting to the plane (moving into different state of being) right as it was about to take off. The plane was one of those huge ones with a big door on the back. The door was closed and they were not going to let us on but at the last minute they did. Inside were many more people than just my family.

When we arrived I was sent to a house with some of my family. I don’t recall too much here except that they had been there a while and not taken out the trash. I bundled up the trash bags (something needs to be taken care of, removed) and moved them into a corner below a broken shelf.

We got into a government vehicle and went to another house where my husband was staying. I recall driving by a very nice house that a family acquaintance was put in. I remember wondering why it was he got to live alone.

When we got to the other house it was in a cul-de-sac (resistance to change) and an armed guard was standing near the entrance. The last thing I recall is driving out and thinking it odd a guard was there. Then there was shift into the next dream.

Dream – Island of Healing

The cul-de-sac disappeared and I found myself alone standing on a road on an island (solitude, self-reliance). Tall, green grass (healing) was on either side of me and I could see the water in the far distance. The road was two lane and smooth. I walked with my dog, Monty, along the road for some time, up and down rolling hills, taking in the spectacular views. I remember feeling relieved of all worry and concern. It was a wonderful feeling!

It felt like I was alone on the island but it didn’t bother me one bit. I was just taking a casual stroll on a remote island somewhere. Monty was running ahead of me. I could see the wounds from the dog attack vividly but he did not act wounded.

Monty saw something and began barking and running toward it. As I focused in on it I realized it was a horse (freedom) or pony. I ran after him, concerned, but the horse ignored him and continued to walk wherever it was going.

When I got to Monty he was sniffing the horse’s hoof and growling suspiciously at it. I saw someone approaching and apologized saying he was just being protective and was likely a bit scared after the dog attack he endured recently. The man came closer and smiled. He was very black and tall and I got the sense got from him was that he was part of an island tribe. It felt like Australia to me for some reason but again it looked a lot like Africa. I am not sure where I was.

The man asked me what I thought of the place. That is when I noticed a huge bookcase (knowledge/understanding) in front of me. It was very out of place considering we were outside in the middle of nowhere on an island. Yet there it was. A bookcase full of books and other odds and ends. I recall seeing three rows of encyclopedias on the top shelves and other items in the center shelves. I remember touching one of the items. It was a figurine made of a smooth, black substance like coral. I responded that I hoped he didn’t mind me being there looking through his things. He told me I was welcome and motioned to someone standing on the other side of me. I turned to my left and a tall, very dark black woman was standing there. She also appeared tribal to me. She asked me, “What do you think?” I remember telling her, “I want to stay here forever.”

The two tribes people took me to another individual who resembled the character, William, on the show This is Us that I have been watching lately. He was seated and being asked questions. The first question he was asked was, “Are you prepared?” He answered, “Yes.” Then he was asked, “Who prepared you?” He replied after a brief pause, “God.”

Suddenly, I became quite lucid. I recognized the man from the show, knew I was dreaming and that the questions being asked of him were also being asked of me. I remember being asked, “Are you prepared?” I answered, “Yes”. Then I was asked, “Who prepared you?” I answered, “I did.” Then a third question was asked, “What did you prepare for?” I answered, “Life and death.”

As I answered these questions I felt/saw/sensed my heart chakra. What is odd here is that the chakra was being held by many hands. The hands were pulling the heart open. There were so many hands. They were touching one another, each with a firm grip on the edges of my heart. The hands and the edges were golden in color and light was in the center. The light expanded as the hands pulled on the heart, opening it wider and wider.

Living from the Heart

I woke up feeling loved and cared for. I did not want to leave that place.

A voice, one of the Many surrounding me, spoke with me for a while. I was asked, “What do you want?” I asked to go Home. I was asked why and I explained and felt understood. I recognized the dream message. I knew I was prepared but I still did not wish to continue. I feel tired and worn out.

A discussion about expectation ensued after that. I realized that the reason I felt so at peace in that island place was because everyone there accepted me just as I am. There was no expectation imposed upon me. I was perfect and accepted. But here, in this harsh world, I feel everyone’s expectations of me all the time. No one accepts me as I am. They want something from me and if I can’t give it they try to force it and/or they reject me. I know I do the same and we discussed how I can change that. It has to do with living from the heart but I could not see how it was possible. I remember hearing, “We will show you.”

I saw how the first dream reflected how I put what others wants before my own. Rather than go with my son on the trip I sent his aunt and uncle because I knew they would want it. I tend to try and be what others want of me and feel loss if I fail to accomplish this.

Dream and Message

I fell back to sleep and into a semi-lucid dream. I was with a group inside a place of learning. We were in the corner of a large gymnasium-type room. Books and backpacks were nearby. I recall seeing people I have known in this life. One woman recently met and fell in love and I saw her walk away with her partner, smiling. I remember judging her, though, because of her obesity and thinking it “gross” for her to be sexual. I was immediately ashamed for thinking that and quickly replaced the judgement with acceptance.

Class was let out and I left along with many others. A cheer leading (encouragement, motivation) class was coming in and I watched as they practiced. I then realized I had left my shoes (life direction) and went back inside to look for them. I walked back to the corner and saw several different pairs of shoes. Some were small, like children’s shoes, others looked to be from other cultures with curled up toes and made of leather. I found my shoes on a stool. They were brown leather slip-on shoes similar to penny loafers (comfort in work). I picked them and up and as I was leaving a group began to talk to me about music.

I sat with them, joking around a while about different songs from long ago. I remember telling them how I never could keep up with my friends and their ability to remember artist, song, and album names. I said, “I was lucky if I could recall any of that!” A guy there laughed and I remember feeling a connection to him and thinking, “We are the same.” He mentioned a song and I remember saying, “Isn’t that by Mike and the Mechanics?” Then everyone laughed meaning I was probably very wrong (lol). Note: I had to look up that band when I woke because I had no idea what songs they are famous for. 

I ended up hanging out with the group but we made so much noise that the cheer leading class was getting annoyed with us.

The last thing I recall is sitting very closely behind the guy who I had been laughing with. He turned over his right shoulder and kissed me. I returned the kiss and could feel it very physically. It was nice but before I allowed myself to really enjoy it I pulled away and said to him, “I can’t.” He said to me, “But you want to.” And I replied, “Yes, I do.”

My lucidity caused me to wake up but not before the man gave me a name and a message. He said, “Patrick Flowers” and sent a song message. The words were, “You will love again” but the melody was to Michael Jackson’s song, You Are Not Alone. I also remember writing down his name and what I think was a date of 8-31. The information woke me completely, though, and I lost the date information, but not the name.

Considerations

The dreams from last night do not surprise me. Prior to bed I had been thinking of the heart bliss and wishing I could feel it all the time. I miss it! My guidance told me that I could and I felt it was impossible. They said, “We will show you how.” I didn’t really expect to have such vivid dreams, especially the part where I saw my heart being opened by so many hands! Sadly, my heart doesn’t feel any more open today than yesterday. 😦

I’m definitely going through a rough period in my life. Too many losses and I am not doing anything really right now that I enjoy. With the weird tiredness, heart speed-ups and panic attacks I have even stopped exercising, which was one of the only things that made me feel good (but not joyful). I recognize that it may mean that I need to slow way down and do some inner work and healing. I can’t say I am very good at listening. Probably why my body is starting to make me listen. Nothing like scary heart speed-ups and panic attacks to scare a person into listening.

If I had to put how I feel in one word I will have to steal from an episode of This is Us that I watched last night. Mandy Moore’s character was telling her husband that she had no life and described herself as a “Ghost”. That is how I feel and I completely relate.

To end, the results of my search of Mike + the Mechanics.