Monthly Archives: November 2025

by

Blue Heron and Garter Snake

The same day I blogged about how my ex reminded me of a snake, I nearly stepped on one on my morning walk. It was a garter snake. I had the opportunity to catch it but decided to let it be.

Later the same day, on my afternoon walk with my daughter, I saw a Great Blue Heron in the creek. It let us get really close and though it flew away, it came back twice after and other people stopped to take its photos. I wondered after if the heron may have seen the little snake. I know they eat them. 

From Ted Andrews iconic book on animal totems called “Animal Speak”:

“The blue heron is a totem (symbol) of someone who has chosen to claim their life as their own. According to North American Native tradition, the Blue Heron brings messages of self-determination and self-reliance. It represents an ability to progress and evolve. The long thin legs of the heron reflect that even though we must be able to stand on our own, we don’t need legs that are great massive pillars to remain stable.

Blue Herons have the innate wisdom of being able to maneuver through life and co-create their own circumstances.

If the Blue Heron has shown up as your totem, it reflects your need to follow your own unique wisdom and path of self-determination. You know what is best for yourself, and need to follow your heart rather than the promptings of others. You probably sit calmly while the rest of us lose patience. And when you choose to follow the promptings of your heart, you soar with magnificence.”

The snake appearing isn’t surprising since I have been seeing many of them lately. This one was small that was trying to get away and hide. According to Ted Andrews, the snake represents rebirth, resurrection, initiation, and wisdom. Snake represents wisdom expressed through healing, the creative life force, transformation and healing, and the cycle of death and rebirth. The death energy of Snake is indicative of a transformation, not actual death, and may be showing new opportunities to heal and transform oneself. It can also reflect one’s creative forces awakening or the stimulation of understanding how to apply one’s insight and intuition.

by

Follow Your Beingness

The following is an excerpt from my personal journal from November 8th. It is what preceded the post called “I Finally Feel it”.

Couldn’t return to sleep for thoughts of “what if” but, seeing it as an opportunity, decided to work on mindfulness while I waited for the sun to rise.

I found it helpful and my heartrate stayed lower. If I began thinking of negative things I would redirect myself either purposefully thinking of positive things to better manifest what I wanted or focusing on my breathing and body. Once settled, my mind was pulled to the previous day.

It occurred to me yesterday (Nov. 7) after watching an NDE account that it would serve me best to focus on doing things based upon a heart centered approach. When I considered what that meant, I had to confront the conditioning related to this idea. Heart centered has been conveyed as all Love and Light, which is, honestly, BS. This is dualism at its best. Love and Light is wonderful but who defines what that is? If I know anything after some 49 years of life so far, I have learned “right” and “wrong” is not clear cut. What one believes is right another may not. Rightness is a decision made by the individual. This decision is based upon conditioning. This conditioning runs deep. 

So when someone says to “listen to your heart” what does that even mean? I think most people believe it means “listen to your feelings”, but that is a trap. Feelings are subject to change and prone to reactivity. So what about making decisions based upon love? Well, what is love, really? The definition itself is so vague that some people spend their wholes lives trying to figure it out. Is it a feeling? Is it an urge? Is it lust? Is it belonging? What I have learned via my STE’s is that love is not at all what humans believe it to be. Humans decide what love is to them – usually that which makes them feel good. Good being, typically, a dopamine rush to the brain. Dopamine rushes are based upon conditioning, also. So one person may feel a rush when they hug another person while another might feel it when they go on a hunt and shoot and kill an animal. Would you define the former as love? The latter? 

The reality is BOTH are love. ALL of this experience, all of who we are is love. Love isn’t an emotion it is a Beingness. It is us in all our glory, “the good, the bad and the ugly” as the saying goes.

So, to advise someone to follow their heart in reality means “follow your Beingness”. 

When we follow our Beingness it may contradict another’s Beingness, or seem to anyway. Then we beat ourselves up, feel guilt, feel upset, feel – well we feel. All of these feelings are part of our conditioning. They were put there purposefully by us via our life experiences to help us learn. When we cross over, all this conditioning vanishes, and all we are is love (Beingness). All the feelings we had as humans vanish because they are part of the human condition. In Spirit those feelings are there as memories and are not individuated. In fact, those in Spirit who I have communicated with appear to me to be devoid of feeling. It can make a human witness to this very uncomfortable and did when I first began communicating with Spirit guides. Why didn’t they care!? Were they robots? No. They’re not human. 

All of the above came to me when considering my issues with my ex and the things that kept me anchored to him (cords as some call them) in this lifetime. I am choosing to stay anchored to him and it is my choice to detach. Upon inspection I found that mostly I am making this choice unconsciously – out of habit and also out of resistance to change. Habit is pretty easy to fix. Resistance is more difficult. My resistance arises from not looking for the alternatives out of fear mostly, fear of not being in control. This is part of my conditioning. Many of us humans have it. We believe we have control as part of this illusion, but we do not. For me this has been one of my most challenging lessons in life. I have to be very aware of my thoughts to notice just how fearful I am. The only solution is mindfulness and making effort to stay present in the moment. Fear is the direct result of being human and having to survive in order to remain alive (in a body). It is instinctual and a biological impulse. 

So when my guides advise me to “Look” (common advice from them) they are asking me to look for the possibilities that exist outside my fearful mindset because when you drop the fear, suddenly you can see a path that wasn’t there before. “Allow” is also common advice from my guidance and allowing comes with remaining in the present and moving with instead of against the flow of ones Beingness. 

This morning when my mind wandered to things that were not helpful I was reminded of the above. Keeping my mind clear allowed me to connect to myself, my Beingness, and the more I can do this, the more I will continue upon the correct path for myself. “Correct” being what I planned prior to this life. And yes it might involve me doing things that others might view as “bad” or “nonoptimal” or “selfish” or whatever judgment you want to apply. As long as it holds true to my Beingness, then it is correct for me and correct for those I agreed to help in this lifetime via previous agreements (contracts) with them.

Honestly, it is simple. Stop worrying, stop over thinking, quiet your mind, and follow your Beingness. 

by

Dreams: Obstacle Course and Betrayal

Some dreams to document…

Dream: Obstacle Course

I was with a group outside near a body of water (emotion) which was below an embankment we were all standing on. We were waiting on something and it felt like I was participating in an obstacle course. Out of the sky fell some gray, flat objects. I asked what they were and someone told me they were to help warm the water as it was so cold it would cause a shock to the body. I pointed to a narrow section of the water and asked, “Why not just jump across?” I jumped across easily and the others followed me.

On the other side we stood on a sandy area near the body of water. I don’t remember much here except the scene and how vast and dark (unknown, fear) the water was out in front of us

Then we were in a bedroom (personal life). We all got into a large bed. A screen was on the wall and we were to watch a movie (life). I found it quite boring but stayed since it felt like it was my duty to do so. Then I turned and saw everyone had left the bed and I was alone. Realizing I didn’t have to stay for duties sake, I got up and looked for my shoes (individual life path) to leave. I saw my black shoes, still wet from the obstacle course, and also my gray ones. My gray ones had the laces (ties to ones path) partially pulled out, though. I commented that someone must have tried to take them. A guide who was with me the entire dream stood behind me and I noticed his presence strongly at this point. 

Reflection

I think this dream symbolizes the unknowns of an obstacle course that has been my life. I survived with only wet shoes but then proceeded to “get in bed” with others to watch a boring movie (life) and then realized they weren’t there with me and it was pointless to stay. The shoelaces off the shoe indicates a subconscious awareness of loosening social ties with a particular group. In this case I think it is my husband’s family. I was “in bed” with them, trying hard to be accepted into their group despite finding their “movie” boring. lol 

Dream: Betrayal

I was with my ex inside a house similar to the one we shared when married. He was being very nice and generous since I felt acknowledged by him, I offered to help with some household chores. This is when I noticed we were laying side by side on the sofa. I felt safe with him and reached for his hand. He responded by reminding me his girlfriend was upstairs and so I should be quiet so as to not wake her. This infuriated me and I considered going upstairs and confronting her, even doing her harm. Rather than do that, I fled, went outside to my car and drove away. I tried to get out fast but someone had left their chickens out and they kept wandering into my path. I had to stop several times to avoid killing them. 

Reflection

When I woke I felt bad about the dream because it outlined the betrayal I felt. My ex often manipulated me like he did in the dream. I felt I betrayed myself by continuing to believe he actually cared about me. 

A flash of a sentence written three times came into my mind. It said, “You deserve better”. I agreed. 

I think the dream shows my regret for my outbursts upon recognizing the betrayal I felt and how I avoided doing much worse things by trying to flee the scene. Unfortunately, chickens (fear) kept slowing me down. 

by

Transformation

My second day at work was yesterday. So far I feel welcomed and the people seem genuine. Today I am going into a couple of classrooms to introduce myself. I get to present a slideshow using an interactive whiteboard (its like a big touchscreen computer on the wall in each classroom). I’m a bit nervous but only about using the technology. So much has changed since I was last in a classroom! I have been assigned 3rd and 4th grade to teach guidance lessons and this starts the first week in December. Eventually I will see students one-on-one as needed. 

What I love already about this job is that the admin does not ask the counselors to help with any discipline. This is unheard of! The one complaint I had about my last counseling job was that they kept interrupting my day to have me assist with out of control students and other disciplinary issues. It is not the job of the school counselor to be an admin! So not having that as a complaint at this job will make the job almost perfect in terms of school counseling. 

It is also refreshing to work somewhere no one knows me. At my other job (family business) I could feel the family members judgmental attitude towards me. I was only in the office once a week, which helped, but when I was it wasn’t fun to feel that projected onto me. They had judgments because my ex would vent to them when he was upset with me and so, over the past 18 years, the negative remarks built up and they all decided I was “suppressive”. It is hard to change someone’s mind when they have decided who you are, even harder when they are in-laws. So, at this job when I meet someone, I feel no judgement which is so refreshing. They are genuinely happy to have me as part of the group, or at least it feels that way. I think my perspective has shifted, also. I am purposefully being open minded and attempting to remain aware of my own judgements. I am also being mindful of self-doubt that comes up when I feel unsure of myself. I am asking questions and allowing myself to be vulnerable in that way – very unlike me. 

In past jobs I worked to make money. In this job I am working to help and be of service. This shift will likely lead to some interesting revelations and lessons. I am trying to approach this new stage in my life as a child would – full of wonder and curiosity – rather than as a cynic. 

As I left the school yesterday, I saw a group of small children with an after school teacher. They were lined up and smiling, attentive and eager to learn. It brought up a memory of how I tend to be when OOB. I gravitate towards children and babies and in one OBE – “The Spiritual Processing Hub” was the name if I recall correctly – I remember being drawn to the babies and children and knowing they were always my favorite. This memory along with seeing the kids there as I walked to my car made it impossible not to burst into tears. 

Honestly, I don’t know where this is all coming from – the sense of wanting to be around children. I have have only felt that way when OOB and with my own kids but rarely with other people’s kids. However, in this job I am feeling great love for them all when I see them. I can’t help but smile. 

I also realized that this job matches my environment in Human Design. I am Markets Internal, which means I invite people into my space rather than going to an office or whatever to do my “work”. At this job I have my own office which I share with the morning counselor. She has set it up marvelously and so I don’t have to do anything to make it a good counseling space. When a student needs me they will come to my space and there I will work with them one-on-one. The guidance lessons are as a group in someone else’s space but what I am doing in unique to me so it seems applicable as well. 

This morning I was thinking of all of the above after some visions I had upon waking. One of the visions was of a snake. The snake sightings have stopped because I am not at my country home but I keep seeing them in other places – visions, and a snake like object in the parking lot the other day that made me jump. lol Snakes are transformation (also the Kundalini). I have been hoping I would have K energy again but I think at this time it is merely a transformation from one version of me to another. It saddens me a bit because I miss the K. It also scares me a bit, too. 

As if to confirm, I woke to this on my wall.

It’s called “Transformation”.

When decorating my new apartment bedroom, I selected some paintings I felt drawn to. This one is literally in front of me when I wake up. And across, on the other wall are three others. I see their order like drawing oracle cards – a message of the path I am currently one. 

The names of them, in order left to right, are: Health, Kundalini, and Mission. These can be found via my Walk-In Life blog if you would like to read the card descriptions.

by

I Finally Feel It

On the drive to my cabin this morning I felt it…the feeling of wanting to continue to live this life as long as possible.

Woah. 

The wild part is just how different it feels from how I usually feel. The feeling comes with absolutely no expectation. It doesn’t involve another person, either. <——-This is HUGE for me. It is simply wanting to live in order to see what is next, full of curiosity and interest. In that moment, in my mind I saw a page turning. It’s the feeling one gets when reading a really good book they can’t put down. That is the feeling. 

Prior to this feeling I was mulling over the idea of joining a community choir. I love to sing, so why not? I also thought of my daughter and how proud I am of her. I thought of my boys, too, and how I couldn’t wait to witness them grow into adults. I got teary eyes thinking of it. And that is when it hit me – I want to keep living. 

I got to my cabin thinking, “I don’t want this feeling to ever go away.” And I don’t. Is this why people cling to life so desperately? If so, I can finally say I understand. 

And yes, I know what awaits me on the Other Side of this life. I haven’t forgotten. But, like a good dream, I think I might want to sleep a bit longer….just a little bit. To explore a little longer.

God please let this feeling last. Please. 

by

Completion and Moving Forward

Just realized I haven’t updated on my cabin and land in a long while. So this is a quick update on that as well as an update on other more mundane things going on with me.

All construction and updating is complete. Yay!

The garage with additional room/bathroom was finished a few weeks ago, right around my last day of work. The first image below is the shower of the 3/4 bath (fixtures are there now but this is the only pic I have). I don’t have a pic of the whole bathroom yet but it is of a similar style to the shower. It has a composting toilet because the location required another septic tank. The gray water is eliminated through a main pipe down the hill towards the pond (perfectly legal for the area).The second image is the front of the garage. You can see the entrance to the addition to the right. The final image is of the cabin, garage and shed from the road.

Below are two pics of the shed after the roof was replaced. There was rotting siding and the floor was uneven. The pictures following are of the completed shed. I turned it into my gym but it has plumbing and a hot water heater. It is close enough to the septic to have a toilet installed but I didn’t bother since I am not there enough to justify the expense.

These last two pics are a before and after of the pond shed. I didn’t get the interior done because it is just for fishing poles and supplies. I had the siding replaced and had them seal it so critters couldn’t get in. Racoons and rats had been leaving messes in it.

I really want to fix the wooden bridge at some point but it is functional for now.

Update on Me

I moved into an apartment on Oct 17. I decided to get an apartment across from the subdivision where the family home is located because my ex was making it very difficult for me to see the kids. The decision was not typical of me. I tend to make safe decisions in life. I would have preferred to have a job first! However, it worked out perfectly. I was offered the school counseling position just two weeks later. I just signed my contract and am set to start work next Tuesday.

Health-wise I am struggling with elevated blood pressure and insomnia. The stress this year has begun to impact me physically. 😦 I think I may have gotten my sleep handled (HRT), but am still working on the high BP. I got prescribed a medication but it isn’t really doing anything. I hate being on meds! I am hoping the BP comes down as my stress levels decrease only I don’t know when that might be. Being in communication with my ex, who seems intent on threats and harassment, doesn’t make for a low stress environment. I also just learned that my testosterone level is elevated, so now I have to get it checked again to rule out underlying issues.

The good news about my new job is I get healthcare at no cost to me. I would normally decline health insurance but I think it would be wise considering my above mentioned health concerns. I also think it is about time I found a therapist.

Finally, I am fed up with my dry eyes and inability to wear contacts. I don’t want to wear glasses anymore. They make me look old, they’re a PITA when I workout and I have to clean them all the time. So, I am looking into getting refractive lens replacement. This should almost entirely eliminate my need for glasses and also prevent me from developing cataracts in the future. 🙂

by

Snake, Spider and Beaver Encounter

I had another snake encounter! This time I was able to touch it! I was tempted to pick it up but was too nervous. I think it was too cold to act quickly which is why it tolerated my touch. It remained in the same location all day and I went back and touched it again. I talked to it and thanked it for allowing me to touch it. I think this is the same snake I saw last week because it was in the same general area.

I also had an encounter with a tiny, tan spider. It crawled on my hand and I placed it beside me and talked with it a while. It seemed like it was listening to me. 🙂

And I saw a beaver! It was swimming across the middle of the pond. I saw it again on the same day, too, much closer but it immediately dove under the water. I have video of the beaver on my FP but did not post it to YouTube. I didn’t get a photo to share. It was too far away. There is a beaver video on my YouTube, though, that is pretty good.

I included pics of the snake. There is one where the snake is in my shadow and it reminds me very much of the Kundalini and how it flows. I felt it symbolic of my own transformation, though I am not experiencing Kundalini energy at this time.

by

Dreams: Recognition and Heart

More dreams to document. It is so nice to have good dream recall again! 🙂

Dream: Recognition

I was at my mom’s with the kids and my ex came to pick up the youngest without telling me. I arrived and noticed my son’s things were gone. In the dream it was felt like an empty space left behind not only in the physical place but in my heart. I went outside and saw my SUV (protection, security, stability, power) parked with my sweater (protection) stuck in the back door half hanging out. I yelled at my ex asking why he left my sweater like that. 

Then I was with my ex but he looked like my heart connection a bit, too. I think in the dream the two people shifted back and forth but most of the time it felt like I was talking to my heart connection. He was open to talking at first but as soon as I started to talk on a deeper level he began to distance himself, walking away from me. I followed, telling him what I needed to say, and noticed he would not look me in the eye, instead looking at the floor and sometimes turning his back on me. I just kept on talking, shifting my position so that I remained in front of him.

The things I said were revelatory. I recognized the parallel between present time and the past. How the situation between myself and my ex and myself and my heart connection were interconnected, even more than I realized back then. My recent divorce and the return of my heart connection into my life is giving me the opportunity to reflect, heal and fully release any residual connection. I remember saying to him that I felt maybe a 10% draw to him compared to the past and didn’t understand fully why. I thought perhaps it was because some hope still lingered that the heart connection could be rekindled. Or maybe there is just a remnant remaining that needs dissolution. In the dream it was crystal clear that the situation was presenting itself so that I could learn. 

I became so thoroughly enthralled in what I was saying that it brought on some emotion and I woke. 

Reflection

I continued to think of the parallels I noticed in the dream. 

In 2016, early 2017, I had tried to divorce my ex and start a life on my own but wanted the support of my heart connection. Unfortunately, my heart connection insisted he have no contact, citing karma, his past similar experiences, and my own good. As a result I struggled to continue on the path of divorce and ultimately withdrew to the security of the known. At that time I had gotten a temporary job as an elementary school counselor which I enjoyed thoroughly, especially the children. 

Now, almost ten years later, I have divorced, recently had contact from my heart connection, and find myself employed as an elementary school counselor again. It does not go unnoticed that it life has aligned similarly as if to say, “Okay, now finish what you started.” 

I find that my response to my heart connection reaching out has been mostly curiosity. There is a small part that want to be friends and meet up to have a long chat. This is likely the part I felt in the dream. Mostly, his energy feels completely neutral, at least in comparison to how it once did. How odd it is! 

Then I thought of my ex and how part of me is annoyed by certain things he does still. I recognize a part of me is still struggling with the end of that part of my life. I think a part of me is still holding on, still grieving for what was and what could have been. 

I also recognized my ex is struggling much more than I am. The reason he is still behaving the way he has been is because he feels he needs to prove something, to get revenge or perhaps to just be right. I think he hurts much more than I do because I am the one who initiated the divorce and withdrew from him so many years ago. Even after nearly 10 years he is struggling to accept that I don’t want to be with him, that I don’t need him and am completely okay without him. He wants me to need him still, even now, even though he has a new girlfriend. In fact, he could only attempt to move on because he got a new girlfriend. It is likely had she not “taken the bait” of his invitation that he would still be harassing me, frustrated by my lack of interest, trying to force a relationship that is long dead. 

Dream: Heart

The dream started at a school that was out in the country. I was taken into the main building where a small group of faculty sat together awaiting my introduction. I remember telling them all, “Thank you so much for this opportunity.” I was extremely grateful to be back and told them so. In the dream the place I was returning to was the detention center I taught at so many years ago. It felt like I would be working in a “jail” (jail = earth to me).

I was then taken outside. I could see another building, a small cottage, down below in a green valley with a few tall oak trees. There were steps leading down to the valley and I stood at the top for a bit. A huge white dog (protection) came pounding towards me joyfully. It was a Great Pyrenees. I opened my arms and let him hit me full on with his body and then we melted together and rolled around. I remember at one point the big dog was laying on my head and there was a split second worry thought about my safety that quickly passed. Another dog joined the big dog and they romped around, running up and down the green valley. A young woman came up from behind me and commented on the bigger dog saying he destroyed her house when she left him inside. I said, “Oh, he’s only a puppy!” 

When I looked up where the woman was I saw an older woman talking quietly with a woman and two other women also talking. I didn’t want to interrupt but I wanted to ask about teaching a class in the cabin below. It looked like a great place to hold class. When there was an opening, I mentioned this but the answer I got had nothing to do with the cabin. One lady motioned to the older one indicating the woman had achieved something. There were no words here, just a recognition from me that this older woman’s heart was wide open and she was comfortable living with it that way. To me, this was indeed quite the accomplishment and I became emotional. I asked her how she managed. The woman approached me, her eyes kind. She opened her arms and I fell into them. She was short, her head only coming to my chin. I could feel her kiss me on the nape of my neck and she said, “You are okay.” By this time I was sobbing uncontrollably. The message I received was that I already have everything I need, it is all within me. This wasn’t the only communication I received but it is hard to relay since it came all at once, telepathically. I remember trying to will the heart bliss to come to me from her, but when I did this I only cried harder.

I woke in tears.