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Dream: Seeing Jesus

Slept better because I took a small amount of melatonin (2.5mg). I still woke at 5:30am but managed to return to sleep for a short while. Dreams were….odd.

Multiple Linked Dreams 

This dream went on for a long time, shifting scenes in such a way as to seem to be many dreams linked together.

The first dream was in a field (expanded awareness). It was super green with rolling hills dotted with trees and a small road. I was “flying” along the road and remember very little as it was the first dream of the night. There was a background story going on but all I recall is that I was talking to others about the journey. I recall seeing a dirt road (journey in life) which was distinct amidst the bright green grass and hills. It was a beautiful place.

Several other dreams passed. Short and hard to recall because of their length. I recall a scene at my mom’s house where I realized suddenly that my youngest child was all grown up. I said to him, “Wow! You’re as tall as me!” Then I felt this sadness and a sense of aloneness that caused me grief. The scene faded out.

Next, I recall driving down a city road on the way to meet up with my best friend from high school. I came to a four-way stop and drove through it without incident. The town was small and not like any I have memory of visiting. The buildings were all gray and nondescript, similar to many rundown downtowns in small towns across Texas. 

I remember thinking of my friend and another dream from long ago coming to mind. Then I shifted into a new scene at a school. When I walked in there were people walking about moving (preparation for the new) items. I quickly determined the staff was boxing up items to relocate to a new building. I was invited into a side room by a woman who was talking to me about my music background. I told her I had a 4-year degree and minored in music but never got my teaching certificate for it, so I was not qualified. My words were, “I would have to go back to school and take more classes and then get certified to teach it.” In my mind I was thinking of the entire process, which I had considered once upon a time and opted out of. It would be time consuming, specifically because one of the requirements is to be proficient in a musical instrument. 

The woman walked with me into the room and asked me if I would do her the honor of taking some old instruments – hand drums. When presented to me I was shocked to find them in horrid condition. The leather was peeling off and yellowed. Some of the leather on smaller drums wasn’t even attached anymore. There was no way anyone would be playing the drums in the condition they were in. I commented on their poor condition and the woman seemed insulted and quickly defended them as if they were ancient artifacts for preservation. So, I took the drums from her being careful not to further damage them. I remember seeing their circular shape and considering repairing them.

The scene shifted again. This time I have little memory of the interactions. It felt like the woman from the previous dream might have been present. What I do recall is seeing a man who looked very much like Jesus from the beard to the eyes and the long robe. His face was serene and resembled the many paintings I’ve seen, specifically the one where his hands are open to receive. The instant I saw him I said, “I don’t believe in him like that.” That’s when I woke up.

Dream: Clogged Sink Leads to Basement

When I fell back to sleep I entered a new dream. I was in the bathroom preparing for the day but my facial cleanser (cleansing) was gone. I called to my daughter asking her where it was and found it in her overnight bag. I took out two large mitts (innovation, new ideas) and lathered the soap with them and then washed my face (inspecting beliefs and/or actions) with the soapy mitts. The drain clogged (repressed emotion) so I dried my face and pulled at a hair. The hair brought up all kinds of stuff, mostly gross drain gunk. Eventually, though, other items began to come up. First they were small and then they got larger and larger. Most were toys. I remember mostly baby dolls (unfulfilled dreams) in various conditions. There was also an enclosed package (untapped/unopened) with two batteries (power, energy) and some kind of device. 

Eventually I noticed the entire sink top was pulled up and I could look down into the drainage area. Instead of a pipe it was huge opening. Looking down I saw piles of toys. Those closest to the top were covered in hair and slime but below were boxes and boxes of things. I peered down and saw more than just toys, it was full of supplies like a warehouse. I said, “There is a whole other floor down there!” I sought a way down and found it near the corner of the bathroom and began to go down, excited to explore. That’s when I woke up.

Symbolism

When I woke from the first series of dreams I wasn’t in a good mood. Mostly I was wondering why I would see Jesus and yelled at my guidance to stop fooling around because they know I don’t believe he is any better than any other religious icon. I figured he must symbolize the Christ Consciousness, though, and that is when I finally fell back to sleep. 

The dream where I saw my son all grown up and experienced grief came with a sense that there will be a time in my life when I feel extremely alone. There was a sense of great contrast between now and that future time. I believe it links in with the drum symbolism in the last dream.

The music room dream is the most vivid. Drums can symbolize many things – repetition in life, connection with others, listening to guidance. The drums were in poor condition, no longer able to be used. Yet I was told to keep them safe and preserve them. Also, there was the school and how the staff was preparing for a move. This is the second time I’ve seen moving boxes. This time it is related to “school”. So, perhaps, a new lesson is coming? I suspect this new lesson is related to connection to others (drums) and I am being advised to preserve those connections, maybe even rebuild them.

Seeing Jesus often means peace and satisfaction in life. Since his hands were receptive then it appears to be a message to be open to received these things. I reject seeing him, however, which indicates I am not open to receiving what he has to offer me. Or better put, I don’t believe I am worthy.

The clogged drain dream seems to indicate there is a whole level of stuff still unknown to me down in my subconscious. The toys likely symbolize my childhood and the batteries, still unused, are likely symbolic of untapped energy. 

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The McKenzie Method

I haven’t written much about my sciatica and sacrum pain so I wanted to give a quick update.

Back in August (on my birthday) I experienced jolts of pain all the way down my right leg into my ankle. After some foam rolling I was able to fix the ankle pain but still had pain in my right upper thigh and glute. It resolved with some rest and foam rolling, moved to the center of my sacrum and then switched over to the left leg where the pain shot down my left leg but stopped just above the knee.

The pain persisted week after week. When I woke in the morning there was no pain but by around dinner time it would return with a vengeance to the point that I was taking pain relievers in anticipation of the nightly pain. The more I moved, the better I felt, so I was up on my feet all day – walking, doing light cardio, standing at my desk while working, etc. When sitting or laying down there was no pain but the instant I stood up, the pain hit, lasting sometimes 30 seconds but usually not more than 10. Still, though, that 10 seconds of pain was like lightening fire in my leg. I dreaded sitting and laying down because of the fact that I would eventually have to get up and face that pain.

After around 6 weeks the pain, like a miracle, suddenly vanished. I thought, “Yay!” and went back to my normal exercise routine. For about a week all was good until I decided to add weigh. This was a bad idea and I reinjured my back (stupid me tried a deadlift) because it started all over again.

This month the pain has been manageable for the most part. The pain wouldn’t set in until well past dinner time and I learned that if I stood up a certain way I could manage the electric jolt of pain to a level of a 2-3 on a pain scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst). Okay. I can live with that. But I wondered, “Will I ever been pain-free again? Is this my new life?”

Nearly two weeks ago I was researching back pain, disc herniation, sciatica – everything – in search of something, anything, to help me completely erase the pain. I did not want to go to a doctor. Doctor = pain meds or cortisone. There really isn’t much they can do. I had been researching on and off for months, trying various stretches, easing up on my exercise routine, but nothing so far had worked. This time, however, I found a book and knew I had to get it.

Treat Your Own Back by Robin McKenzie has been a game changer. Just like the author promised in the book, after two days of doing the first three exercises, the pain I felt upon standing just stopped. I would occasionally feel niggles here and there indicating it wasn’t completely gone, but my pain level was below 1, like almost nonexistent. After just two days!

Nearly two weeks in I am at zero pain. My back was stiff in the mornings for a while but even that is easing up. It is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

The McKenzie Method has been around for almost as long as I’ve been alive. I don’t know how I didn’t find any mention of it in my previous online searches. My guess is that for some reason I needed to experience the pain. My guess is that the pain was teaching me something about myself, and it did do that. I have long known I need to slow down and take it easy; be kind to my body. The pain has pretty much forced me to do that. The pain also made me listen to – my body, my emotions, my energy. I remember at one point I stopped avoiding the pain and just surrendered to it. I remember saying to myself when I felt the pain, “I am alive.” In some cases I would smile when I felt it (I know, weird) because it felt like it was reminding me to be in my body – IN it. I spend a lot of time disconnected from this physical reality. The pain was forcing me to reconnect with it.

Still, though, I’ve had enough of the pain and if I can help even one person avoid months of pain by sharing what I learned, then I will feel accomplished.

If you don’t buy the book (I got mine used for $5.99), then there are tons of videos online via YouTube that can show you the exercises. However, the book gives a ton of information about the spine, posture, and what is effective and ineffective. For example, the greatest mistake athletes (or those who train on a regular basis) make is going too fast and not giving their back enough time to heal. This was me. I was doing the right things and even had success but then rushed right back into my normal weight lifting exercises only to reinjure my back.

The First Three Exercises

These are considered first-aid exercises.

#1 Lying prone (face down). Lay with your arms beside your body and your head to one side. Breathe deeply and let your hips and lower back relax. Hold for 30 seconds or longer, as needed.

#2 Lying face down in extension (like Sphinx pose). From lying prone, move your elbows to rest directly underneath your shoulders and lift your chest, shoulders, and head creating a 90-degree angle in your elbow. Your palms should be face down on the floor. Take a few deep breaths and then return to lying prone (#1).

#3. Extension in lying (like Cobra pose). Place your hands under your shoulders with your fingers pointing toward the top of the mat in a press-up position. Hug your elbows in to the sides of your body. Push the top part of your body as far up as you can. Allow your low back to sag and your pelvis, hips and legs to relax. Take a few deep breaths and return to exercise #1.

The Other Exercises

These exercises are for when the pain is no longer severe and are more for prevention of low back problems

#4. Extension in Standing. Stand up with your feet hip width apart. Place your hands on your lower back just above your hips, fingers facing down. Lean backwards as far as you can while keeping your knees straight. Hold for a few seconds and return to standing position. Repeat and try to go a bit further back each time. This is a great exercise to do before and after you do any kind of lifting or extended bending.

#5. Flexion in lying (knees to chest). Lay on your back with your knees bent and feet flat on the floor. Pull your knees into your chest without lifting your head. Hold the position for a few breathes. Release legs back to the position. Do not straighten your legs as you lower them but keep the knees bent. When you finish 4-6 rounds of this exercise do exercise #3 right after.

#6. Flexion in sitting. Sit on the edge of a chair with your feet flat on the floor wider than hip width apart. Let your hands rest between your knees. Slowly bend forward and touch the floor with your hands. Return to the starting position. Repeat six times, each time going lower. Follow with #3 immediately after.

#7. Flexion in standing (like Forward Fold). Stand upright with your feet hip width apart. Bend forward while running your fingers along the tops of your legs as far as you can go. Return to standing and repeat, trying to reach a bit further each time. Immediately follow with #3.

Posture

When sitting – keep the natural lordosis in the spine by using a lumbar roll or rolled up towel. I use whatever I can find when I sit, usually a rolled up towel. I have not purchased anything yet and am not sure I will since the towel works so well for me. I notice my posture is especially problematic when I drive or sit on our sofa. I don’t sit on our sofa anymore. When I drive I use a rolled up coat and have the seat lumbar position at its highest.

When sleeping – I don’t have issues when I sleep but some might. Sleeping on your back is best but only if you have a good mattress that allows for natural lordosis of the spine. You can also put a rolled up towel under your back but I can’t image this is comfortable. I have not needed to do anything for back sleeping. For side sleepers (like me), sleep with a pillow between your knees. I have a body pillow and have used it for years.

When Standing – Proper standing posture is with chest lifted, stomach pulled in and glutes (butt) tightened. If you find your shoulders sagging forward or lower back hurting you have likely lost proper posture. I use a standing desk and when my shoulders start to sag I do exercise #4 extension in standing and then take a short walk because when we walk our spine has natural lordosis (this is why movement is helpful for the pain).

All of this is just a summary of the book’s helpful aspects. It also includes info on what to do when the exercises don’t work, special situations such as pregnancy and common remedies and solutions. It is a short read of only 78 pages and contains detailed illustrations for reference.

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More Spirit Communication

Active night.

First, I dreamed that I was getting a divorce. My husband was angry and went to the freezer (cold emotion, preservation) and started pulling out various meats (achievement, choice, control) leaving them to thaw and ruin. I remember seeing some packages of meat out and him saying something indicating he left them out on purpose. I grabbed some meats that were already thawed. One was a huge package of hotdog wieners (sexual urges) and another was a big package of individual whole chickens (material well being, success). I told him I would just cook the meat rather than let it go to waste. I picked up the hotdogs and decided against cooking them since, well, they’re hotdogs and they aren’t healthy. So, I selected the chicken and told him I would cook them all. The chicken was too small to actually be chicken, though. It looked more like Cornish game hens.

Audible Conversation

I woke several times early in the morning and eventually settled back to try and get some sleep. My mind was quite active with thoughts about various things. My sister’s birthday is coming up and I was trying to figure out what to give her for her birthday. I was thinking about getting her a card and mailing it to her and want to include a gift card or something in it. I never decided what gift card or how much, though. My thoughts seemed to drift at this time and I know I was in the in-between – not quite awake but not fully asleep either.

Somehow I found myself in a conversation about the drug trade. Most likely it came about because of my concerns about my sister’s drug habit. At first it seemed like I was the one talking (telepathically) to someone else. I noticed the thoughts/words as they moved from me to the other person. If I had been vocalizing my thoughts it would be as if someone else were speaking using my voice. The thoughts coming through weren’t mine. Yet I was not protesting or stopping the communication. It seemed completely normal.

At one point I was saying, “When we enter a new area, we send a fox into the neighborhood….” A loud, male voice interrupted, coming from my left and said, “WOLF” as soon as the word “fox” was said. It was audible, as if the man was standing right next to me, and so spooked me momentarily.This is when I realized I wasn’t speaking at all, it was someone else to my right. I knew the rest of what was being said – “When we enter a new area, we send a fox (wolf) into the neighborhood. We claim the territory as our own and then move on to the next neighborhood.” With these words were images and Knowing. It was as if I had done what was being spoken – gone into a neighborhood and “taken it over” in whatever way necessary. The feeling was pride mixed with a bit of urgency.

I tried to ignore the conversation. So what if I was in the middle of it, I wanted to sleep. The conversation continued only this time the words didn’t seem to come through me and the voice on my right was audible as if someone was right beside me. The tone, pitch and loudness were apparent. I listened for a while but much of the words are lost to memory now because, well, he said quite a bit. He was talking to the other man as if explaining himself. I rarely heard the man on my left, but when I did it was always louder and more gruff. 

The man on my right was talking to the man on my left about his health and arguing that he ate healthy, describing his lifestyle. In that moment I saw someone who had a large belly, a belly that I associate with those who like to drink beer (beer belly). I didn’t see his face. The info was coming in too fast, coming across me as if a stream of energy that I was able to reach into and grab pieces of info.

I was once again pulled out of my reverie by the loud, gruff voice on my left. He said two words, “Warrant” and “Christian”. They seemed to be related to what the man on my right was saying. If I had to guess, the man on my right had a warrant which may have been what actually led to his demise, not his eating habits. 

Finally, tired of the back and forth with me in the middle, I told the man on my right, “Can you please go away?” I got from him a bit of surprise and questioning and I said, “I’m trying to sleep.” It got quiet then and I tried to go back to sleep but called in my guidance for assistance telling them, “I just want to sleep.” I heard back, “But you’ve been asking for this.” This statement, though not entirely true, caught my interest. Had I ask for this? 

Honestly, I might have but a very long time ago, back when I was a practicing medium and struggled to hear complete sentences from Spirit. I recently spoke to my brother about it because he had a session with a medium who was unable to give him messages from our father. I explained that it is difficult, acting as an intermediary between a living person and a dead person. It is difficult to receive full sentences without the conscious mind getting in the way. I told him about how our father visited me via OBE, how real everything was, and explained that was the best way to get full communication, voice and all. I shared with him times when Spirit had come to me when I was awake and how it always scared the you-know-what out of me. It hasn’t been often because I tell them to come to me in the in-between where my fear doesn’t take over like it does when I’m awake.

But I don’t recall wishing to have the experience, not exactly. I do recall missing OBEs and, yes, the very kind of experience I just had because they are cool and unusual. Hmmmm.

I finally just asked, “What’s your name?” The man on my right said, “I already told you.” Note: This communication was not audible but more like I am use to. It’s came through as if my own complete thought. Confused, I tried to recall any names. This is when I remembered “Warrant” and “Christian”. I thought back, “Oh. Christian.” If I make a sentence out of those two words, I think the other man said, “You had a warrant, Christian.” lol 

He left and I lay in bed pondering everything until I finally got up because I surely wasn’t going back to sleep!

Other Incidents

Not long ago (Nov 10th)  my son had a sleep paralysis episode and a very active night. He got up to go to the restroom and heard an audible, male voice say to him, “Hey! Don’t come in here.” It spooked him but he said he wasn’t afraid.

Just a couple of nights ago my youngest son came into my room and sat on the bed. Not long after he said to me in surprise, “Mom! Someone just said hello to me!” I laughed but didn’t inquire into the experience. This morning I asked him about it. Did you hear it audibly? He said, “Yes! It was a woman!” 

My older son has had two incidences now where he has been freaked out by, “sparkles and smoke in the air” over his head. The first one had him so scared he was in tears because it was following him around our living room. I reassured him that it was harmless and told him to tell it to go away. He immediately relaxed. It happened again, though, this time outside. He said his friends saw it, too, which made him feel better (less crazy). When I asked him to describe what he saw inside and outside, he said inside it was “sparkly gold and smoke” and outside was “the same but with black”. He said he has seen it outside more than inside.

What Gives?

So what gives? IDK and am really not too concerned. Some might be freaked out to think that there is more than one Spirit lingering around their home “spying” on them. Trust me, they are and it is nothing to be worried about. Nothing is private. I realized this many years ago when I first opened to my gift of mediumship. They.are.everywhere. LOL

It is rare that I hear them audibly but I’ve experienced it enough now (both when awake and in the in-between) to have very little reaction to it at all. Usually I just get annoyed. Like, come on! People gotta sleep here in the waking world! I’ve also had the experience of feeling “taken over” (trance mediumship) enough times now not to be alarmed, though it is very weird and not my preference. This morning was only the second time and I felt no energetic or physical side-effects like the first time.

If these are indicators that I could potentially be returning to mediumship, I am game, especially if I can hear Spirit audibly. How exciting! I have played this game enough to 1. not be afraid, 2. know I am in control and can turn it off/on, and 3. recognize the value in it.

Oh, and if you know someone named Christian who had a beer belly and died as a result of being involved in the drug trade (not his unhealthy diet), then he’s still arguing with his male friend about why his life came to an end. My guess is he got into it with the cops but I didn’t ask for specifics.

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Strong Emotion, Vivid Dreams

I’ve been having vivid dreams for some time now. Many are emotional while others feel to be linked to a kind of life review going on behind the scenes of my life. In waking life, I’ve had similar, with emotions overflowing, brought on by family circumstances and higher than usual levels of stress.

This time of year it isn’t uncommon for me to have higher than usual spiritual and emotional activity in dreamtime as well as waking reality. Some years are worse than others. This year has been unusually intense – all year but especially since July/August.

Most recently I’ve been struggling with indicators all around me that I am “selfish”. I don’t doubt I am selfish and am not arguing against it, but the way it has been presented to me is in such a judgmental and critical way that it has been difficult to avoid upset. The main upset was that my mom told my husband that she has come to accept that I am nothing more than a child who thinks only about myself. To hear this (second hand) hurt horribly. Sure, that was the me from the past, but not the me in the present! I’ve grown by leaps and bounds. Yet to think that my mother still sees me as I was and not as I am, hurt.

The above is just one example. I have felt the burden of expectation to the extreme and it leaves me feeling that nothing I do will ever be enough. I am emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

Dream: Show Love to Be Love

I was touring a school (life, lessons) that I have seen in a dream before. The principal was trying to get me to work there. It was said in passing, “We know you like to be home early”, and I said I could stay later now, that my circumstances had changed. I was feeling and acting very positive though I never actually accepted the job offer.

Then I was speaking with others in a group. They were discussing plans regarding the school but it felt political, like many peoples’ lives would be impacted (Earth collective?). Something was said and my opinion was asked. I blurted out with passion, “It’s all about love! You have to show love to BE love.” The feelings I had were about how people in the group were looking to enact policy in their own interests and not really looking at how the greater population would be impacted. It was outrageous to me and at the same time horribly sad. I began to cry as I repeated the words over and over. Someone in the group came up and wrapped their arms around my shoulders and guided me outside. It felt like the group understood my upset.

I was taken to a small, raised garden (developing something meaningful) constructed of wood boards and filled with fresh, dark dirt. Someone had just piled the dirt in so that it came to a point in the middle of the beds. I sat on the edge of one of the beds with a small spade and began to cut deep into the soil. I cut in a grid pattern, making individual spots for seedlings to be planted. As I did this, I spoke with the women who had escorted me outside. I can’t remember our exact words but it was mostly about what I had said and how I was feeling. The more we talked, the more the grid pattern emerged. I looked across at an untilled section and saw a small, green shoot pushing through the dirt. I thought it odd because I hadn’t planted anything yet. I wondered who did.

I woke, still softly crying, and thinking, “I can’t love. It’s too hard.”

Then part of a song came to mind: “I can’t make you love me, if you don’t. You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.” It occurred to me that love can’t be forced. It’s very nature isn’t forced. Hearing the song and understanding the meaning gave me relief.

Dream: Diastolic Blood Pressure

I arrived at a small clinic (healing) with a group of people. Someone thanked us for volunteering to be part of their study and me and about three other people were escorted into a waiting area. I remember being in the front of the group as we walked in and came to two, small doors about the size of doggy doors. I wondered where the regular doors were. I looked around and everything was bright white except for the door knobs and the outlines of wall panels where the shadows broke up the white. The people with me didn’t speak with me nor do I recall what they looked like. I remember wanting to get the tests over with.

A female nurse dressed in a white uniform with a light blue nametag came to a door that seemed to suddenly appear beside the two smaller ones. She explained that they were going to take blood samples and our blood pressure (ability to cope with stress). A male nurse stood behind her in the doorway.

I was first in line so I rolled over to three small stairs. The male nurse reached his hand towards me to help me up, saying, “Here, let me help you. I didn’t realize….” This is when I realized I was in a wheelchair (dependency, helplessness). I got up, the chair stuck to me, and walked up the stairs carrying it with me like it was a part of my body. My walk was stiff and slow as if I were in pain, but I felt no pain. The nurse, surprised, smiled and said, “Okay then.”

They escorted me to a bed draped in white. I sat down, my torso upright and my legs straight in front of me. A nurse came over with her things and began to do the tests. I can’t remember the exact tests, though. There was a slight worry about needles at one point and then another one about my nervousness in hospital settings.

Some time elapsed that I can’t recall. It felt like a long time and I felt myself popping back and forth between wherever I was and the dream scene. It gave me a slight dizzy feeling.

When they were done and I was allowed to leave, I asked for my BP numbers. The nurse told me they would be provided. It was then that I saw I was also dressed in white and had tubes and wires connected to me as if I had been admitted to the hospital. I walked over to the window where I asked the nurse again to share my BP. I told her I have had issues with it being high in clinical settings. She sat me down and looked me in the eye acting very serious. She said, “It seems your numbers like to jump around.” This made sense to me and I repeated that I get anxious. She said, “It is specifically your diastolic number.” I asked, “How high was it? When I was at the dentist it was 95.”

I woke up thinking “diastolic” and seeing the word in my mind. I wasn’t concerned, just worried I had forgotten which number (top or bottom) it was and that I might have gotten it wrong in the dream. I didn’t.

Diastolic: Referring to the time when the heart is in a period of relaxation and dilatation (expansion).

Diastolic – from the Greek diastole meaning “a drawing apart.”

Message Tie-In

I was watching an Amazon series last night called, “The Loop”. The episode I watched was called, “Stasis”. In it one of the main characters was thinking about how things don’t last in life. The good times are great, love is magical, everything feels special and amazing….then it’s just gone and you are left wondering, “What happened?” I have thought the same many times. It just feels like the effort isn’t worth it if it doesn’t last. Why put your heart into someone or something only to have it disappear and leave you with an empty feeling?

The series is funny because so far in all of them someone is wishing something and then they are given it in unexpected ways. This girl finds a device that freezes time and allows her to stretch out the moment as long as she wants. She ends up taking a boy there and they live out their romance in stasis. In the end, their relationships burns out despite them having the endless moment to themselves. She is depressed and sad later, going fishing with her father who asks her what’s wrong. She says her relationship is ending. He says, “Some things are special because they don’t last.”

To me, his statement was spot on: Bingo!

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Dream: A Storm is Coming

 

Had a dream encounter with my heart connection. I wish I had been more lucid.

Dream: A Storm is Coming

The dream began with me in a classroom watching a screen. The images on the screen were being projected by a laptop sitting on a desk in the center of the room. No one else was in the room with me.

The images on the screen showed circles with pictures of faces in them. They were lined up along the left side of the screen. Each face was someone I know in life. I was waiting for a specific person to “log on” – my heart connection. I was anticipating his arrival at a certain time but he was not logging in. As each hour passed I found myself making excuses for why he wasn’t there. I had no upset or anxiety over his absence. 

I remember looking down at the keyboard as I knew I should be focused on my work. There was a presence felt to be behind me, a black woman who felt like my supervisor. It felt like this supervisor wanted me to focus on my work and would be upset if I became distracted. I don’t recall seeing her in the classroom, though.

It was becoming very late in the day. The time was approximately 4pm. The screen showed people coming and going. Some had green dots next their avatars, others none. Those with the green dots were present and interacting. Those without them were not participating but had been viewing the others. I finally saw my heart connection’s avatar but it didn’t have a green dot.

Pleased, I waited for the green dot which arrived not long after. When this happened the dream shifted out of the classroom and into a car. My heart connection was driving and I was in the passenger seat. We talked as he drove. The road was lined with tall pine trees and I could see hills in the distance. I liked wherever it was we were.

As we were driving we talked, catching up on lost time. I watched him as he spoke about things he was currently doing, watching his face and taking in every line and crease, gray hair and smile line. He said that he was going “back to school”. He seemed very concerned about his age and the timing of his decision, as if he were embarrassed that it took him so long. The feeling I got from him was that he felt he had wasted time and was disappointed in himself. I felt like he shouldn’t be so hard on himself and congratulated him. 

We arrived at a school complex. Inside it resembled a high school. It had classrooms and hallways with tiled floors and was colored mostly white. Others were inside but at first we paid them no attention. We stood face to face. There was a sense of relief and reunion for a brief moment. We kissed. There was no powerful jolt of bliss to my heart as has happened in the past. While kissing I could taste salt and my mouth filled with water. It was sweat! It was pouring down his face and I was tasting it as I kissed him. I laughed and told him, “You sure are sweaty. I can taste it.” When I looked up at him, his entire head was drenched.

We walked together through the school still talking but I can’t recall our conversation. Instead, I remember people walking by with what looked like bills in their hands. The first guy said that he was instructed to go outside and across to another building to pay. He was happy because he had been given approval for something and this was the last step. Soon enough, another person came by holding a similar piece of paper and saying the same thing. At the time it felt like they were paying off a loan and their payments were not going through. I remember feeling sorry for them.

Then there was a commotion and everyone in the building ran to one end where there were huge windows. The room was shaking as if there was an earthquake, so we ran to see what was going on. When I looked out the window I thought, “A storm is coming” but all I saw was bright light coming from the sky. It wasn’t lightening but more like something very large was above us shining the light down. The light was so bright it made everything else appear pitch black. My memory is of looking out the windows into this light. The edges of the windows were glowing from the light hitting them but the room in which I was standing and the floor was imperceptible. 

I tried to make out what was going on outside the window but doing so made me wake up.

Message

When I woke I felt really calm and rested. I am always pleasantly surprised when my heart connection shows up in my dreams. This time was no different but the dream felt to last the entire night. I was so long that when I woke I struggled to recall it all and worried I would lose pieces of it, which I likely did. 

I tried to return to sleep, asking to be shown why he appeared in my dream after such a very long time. Just when I was returning to sleep I saw a word appear and also saw a finger pointing at me. The word was, “Losse”. My thought was, “Yeah, I have experienced a great loss” but then the word reappeared as if to correct me: “Losse”. I couldn’t go back to sleep after that.

I looked up “losse” and found, “to let; allow” (German) and “to unload, discharge” (Dutch). 

The word makes sense in that I do need to do all of the above. It seems my guidance was telling me the purpose of my dream was “losse”. I did ask to be shown or told. 

Dream Symbolism

Classroom – lesson. Screen – observation. Circles – cycle of life, karma. Log-in – participate, join. Car – life path. Someone else driving and I’m the passenger – their life path and I am a participant. Sweating – stress, worry, hard work, exertion. Bill stub/loan – karma being repaid. Windows – glimpse into the unknown. Light – illumination of the unknown. Earthquake – a shake up is coming, difficult times.

My overall feeling when I awoke was that the dream was a check-in dream. I think I was checking in on him more than he was on me because the information coming through was about his life. I think him “logging in” was becoming available for me to contact him via dream. 

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Dream Message: LYL

Very dream-filled night.

Dream Message: LYL

The dream began with me reminiscing about my family property. I had a dream long ago where the property had been sub-divided so much that there were houses all along the road leading to the main house. In this dream I flew up onto the land that has been left untouched for a long time.

At some point I was at a cabin on this property. I “landed” there somewhat confused as to why I was there. A man who looked a lot like my uncle greeted me. He lived in the one-room cabin. When I asked why I was there he told me that his wife had died some time ago and someone (who looked like my cousin) was too young to be his new wife so I had been chosen. In my mind I was thinking of him as my uncle, this other woman as my cousin and me as his niece. It didn’t seem right and part of me was shocked by this information. The other part of me, the one more present in the dream, didn’t seem to care at all, however. His age was 60 years and I remember thinking I was 42 (not true but close).

I looked around at the cabin which was very nice, clean and neat. It felt good to be inside; comfortable and safe. The man, though not my real uncle in this life, showed me a visual of how he looked when he was young. He seemed familiar, with reddish light brown hair and a pleasant face. When I asked why I was chosen to be his new wife, he explained that he was told I was having “family troubles” and They (my family?) needed his help. There was more to this explanation but I only remember a feeling of need and accepting it as true.

The man left for a while after recognizing I needed some time to let everything sink in. A long span of time passed. I most slept I think. Then a pair of young, black boys burst through the back entrance. One was on a hover board, the other was tossing small objects at the walls. I yelled for them to leave and warned them they would get into trouble. When I got to the front door my “uncle” was standing with the two boys on the front porch. I told him they had stolen his hoverboard off the back stoop and tried to destroy the inside of the cabin. My uncle looked at the boys lovingly and held out a pair of keys. He said to them, “You are welcome here any time.” The boys took the keys and left. 

Shocked, I asked him why he would do such a thing. The boys would surely come back and ransack the cabin. He said, “No they won’t. You have to give them a chance to be good.” With this came more than those words. He explained that scolding a child and punishing them only confirms their badness without trusting their innate goodness. He trusted their goodness. Everything he said made complete sense to me and I humbly dropped the subject.

Now that he was back with me in the cabin we spent time together. I can’t recall what all we talked about but we spent most of the time talking. He gave me an email address. I was asked to send my thoughts and questions to the address and I would receive input and guidance. 

At one point he held up a small kayak and asked me if I wanted go on a trip down the river. I looked at it and noticed it was quite small. Still, though, the idea was appealing and I told him I would go. We never went that I can recall. It just felt like we continued talking. I do remember seeing that the cabin was situation in the woods, far from civilization and people. This felt perfect to me and I was quite happy to stay, especially considering my uncle was so pleasant to be around.

Then my attention went to an email subject line in my mind indicating two messages sent and received. The address was peculiar. It was simply: LYL. Curious, I began to ask him a question about it. He interrupted and asked me a question instead: “How about we take a trip to New York City?” I told him I wasn’t interested. He asked why and I told him, “The people there. I don’t like them.” He said, “How do you know if you’ve never been there?” 

This is when dream “time” began to slow down. I became suddenly very tired and lay down on the bed to rest. He nodded in acceptance of my decision and let me close my eyes. He sat by my side the entire time. His very presence made me feel completely safe and loved. I have only ever felt like that when in altered states and via one Kundalini connection. Feeling safe with him, I reached out and tentatively took his hand in mine. He responded by accepting my hand and squeezing it gently. So, so much was communicated between us in that one moment. There were no words, just Knowing. I knew that no matter how much time I needed, how ever long it took me to warm up and open up to him, he would wait patiently and lovingly by my side. If I had been in a physical body I would have exhaled with relief at this Knowing. Whoever this man was, I loved him and trusted him completely. 

The email address question was still on my mind, but the answer came to me as soon as I asked it. I wanted to ask, “It’s you, it’s your address and you are the one replying, aren’t you?” It was clear I was correct. I was looking at a screen in my mind. I could read the subject lines of two emails (can’t recall them now) but the LYL stood out. I both saw and heard, “Live. Your. Life.” 

Upon hearing those words my lucidity peaked and a ton of information felt to be downloaded all at once. The overload of it was too much and I woke up.

In-Between 

When I woke up I immediately shifted into the in-between where the man from my dream communicated with me. I wanted to go back to the dream and the wonderful feeling of safety and love. With him I was free to be myself without fear of judgment or expectation. 

We discussed my need for healing and I thanked him for his patience, understanding and acceptance. I thought of how he made me feel and told that is how I longed to feel but it seemed out of reach. Memories were discussed as were my fears.. The difference between how I felt in the dream and how I felt via the K connection was also discussed. In the dream I was given ample time to move through my process. There was no pressure, no frustration, no expectation on the part of my “uncle”. With my K connection those things were non-stop and the pressure was too much so I retreated. My uncle told me it was understandable and I agreed. My uncle said, “You [both] are only human.” I felt sympathy for my K connection. It is true that he had been waiting a very long time and as such it was difficult to hold space for me, especially considering how wonderfully irresistible the feelings of such connections are.

I shifted deeper and experienced a lucid dream during this time. I was researching a word my “uncle” gave me: Liau. The word was linked to Hawaii somehow (it is a common surname). I suspected what it meant but wanted to see for myself. When I finally found the definition I said to my uncle, “I knew it.” I repeated it’s meaning but my exact words are lost now. It was something like, “You have to do it alone”. “It” felt like healing.

When I woke up I looked up the word. This is what I found:A very spiritual person who often relies on intuition for decision making.

Your mind is rich and deep, but often closed to other people. You sometimes need seclusion in order to gain clarity about what is going on in your life.

Dream: Herd of Bison

After over an hour of conversation with “uncle” I felt him move away. I told him I didn’t want him to go and felt the wonderful feeling from the dream wash over me. With it came the other feelings of connection, though, and I withdrew. It was clear I was fearful of it and was reassured that all hope was not lost.

Then I was in a dream standing in a pen facing fields of bison. The bison herd was in a large, fenced in field and they were being herded into a holding pen where they would be met by people who had paid a fee to interact with them. I had with me a camera to take photos.

The bison had to go through a narrow shoot to get into the pen. I was warned to stand back as the bison began to come through the chute. I sat up on the edge of a fence, camera ready to take video. The bison came through and scattered. One was near my feet sniffing me and pressing its nose into my leg. I looked at its brown nose. It looked like a cow’s nose.

Interpretation – The bison in the dream represent great strength and power. They were penned up and the one sniffing me appears similar to a cow. Cows are domesticated and so this could symbolize that my inner bison feels domesticated and unable to tap into its power and strength.

Visions

I was kneeling down next to boxes. I was filling the boxes with my possessions. It was clear I was packing my things in preparation to move house. I woke up suddenly and recalled talking to someone but I can’t recall what about.

Found myself in a prayer pose where I was kneeling. It was similar to the yoga pose child’s pose but my arms were outstretched over my head and bent at a 90 degree angle with my palms pressed together above my head. I think it is most similar to child’s pose with triceps stretch.

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Two Vivid Dreams

Dreams were vivid last night.

Virus!

This dream seemed to go on all night.

I downloaded a game and it turned out to be a virus. It popped up on my screen and made it impossible to access anything else on my computer. I tried everything but it wouldn’t go away. The final try option was to force quit the computer and then boot it in safe mode so that I could open it from a previous backup. When I was at my wits end, I checked my phone looking up the name of the game/virus to see if there was an easier fix, one that didn’t mean I would end up losing data. The results were pages upon pages of a backstory with characters, etc. Not interested in all of that, I went to the end of the printout hoping to find the solution. What I discovered was that the only way to get rid of the virus was to play the game through to the end. I saw that I had to master all five levels which were named. The names were names of people (can’t recall them now). The minute I saw this I knew it was not something I wanted to do and so went to reboot the computer in safe mode so that I could return to an earlier backup and rid myself of the virus. 

Pursuit

The dream began with me being offered first dibs on a house that was being sold by an old friend. I don’t remember who this friend was but he felt like someone from my mother’s church. I forgot and later passed by the house which brought back the memory. I went to the house and found three young adults inside. I learned they were renting the home for three times what I would have paid for it. 

I looked around noticing there was a tiled pool in the back yard that was nearly empty of water. It was quite shallow for a pool but in nice condition. I remember saying, “I didn’t know pools could be completely tiled like that.” I also noticed an old freezer whose door wouldn’t close all the way. I said, “Guess it’s never hot in here.” 

As I left I got into an old yellow car and noticed I was blocked by other cars from people arriving to the house. As I opened the passenger side door I saw a purse laying on the ground. It was full of pill bottles. I threw it into the car and went to ask if they could move the cars. They agreed and I got into my car. It moved on its own, though, going too fast, downhill on the lawn. The brakes were little help but I made it to the main road where a delivery man had pizza for the people in the house.

As I drove onto the main road, two people followed, a man and a woman. They kept following and I yelled for them to stop because it was creepy. As I drove down the main road they pursued me. I went faster, but even though they were on foot they were close behind.

Eventually the car was gone and I was running towards a building looking behind me the whole time. Inside the building I ran down hallways but the people were always close behind. I came to a doorway, opened it and saw it could be locked from the inside so I went in and locked it. Feeling safer, I slowed down and investigated the space. It had many doors and a long hallway that led to a larger room with windows all around. I checked the doors for a way out of the building. They were either all closets or dark rooms. I soon realized I had locked myself in place where the only exit was right into the path of my pursuers. 

I decided I would just hide out and considered my options. I was sure at some point my pursuers would find a way in to get me. I could hide under a counter or open a window or hide outside. It was a long way down, though, and I knew I couldn’t survive long without food or water. 

Interpretations

I am certain the first dream is about my options regarding life. I am being shown that I selected this “game” to play and now I have only two choices – play the game to the end or opt out and start over, losing all “data” I’ve gathered in the time I’ve been in the game. To play to the end means mastering five levels, each one with a person’s name attached, people I have agreements with. When I chose to reboot (start over) I had a feeling that I didn’t have any other choice. Playing the game to the end was just not an option.

The second dream is mostly about feeling trapped and knowing I will have to face my fears at some point. It is likely a continuation of the first dream “discussion” (I know the dreams stem from a discussion with my Team). 

The beginning of the dream is likely me being reminded about a contract. I am inside a “home” that I had promised to buy but I find it occupied and decide not to take on the task of ownership. The pool in the back is almost empty. I had a pool dream yesterday of constructing a pool and it being filled with water but it was all black and white. I wanted to paint it to give it color and was told I needed to wait for the water level to go down naturally (evaporate). Being this pool has no water it seems to be an extension of yesterday’s dream. The freezer being open is symbolic of hidden, frozen emotion that is leaking out into the house. When I discuss with them the price of the home I feel they got an unfair deal. In that moment I think I could help them but I don’t.

I decide to leave (choice made). The car (life path) and the pills (avoidance) is hard to control. The pizza is wholeness and is being delivered to the house I am leaving. Then I am followed by people who I feel want to cause me harm (my fear of something unknown). I end up trapping myself out of fear. 

Considerations

My Team has been making themselves known. There are a lot of them, at least 12. I only get that much attention when I need it, usually when at a crossroads or crisis point. It seems that I may be approaching an exit point where I choose between continuing to play this game or quit. It may or may not mean I will leave this body and life. It could just be that this particular contract I took on has proved too much and I take another path. 

It appears that I am being asked to confront fears regarding this particular path/lesson. Why do I feel the two people pursuing me have ill intent? Maybe they are trying to tell me something important? Maybe they need my help? Maybe they want to share the pizza (wholeness) with me? lol I don’t stick around to find out and end up trapping myself. Ultimately I will have to confront the people (my fear) and learn what it has to teach me. Avoiding it will only delay the inevitable. 

Prior to bed last night I had a thought that seemed to be part of a conversation that I was not fully conscious of. The thought was that I did not want to die and leave behind my mom and three children. I would never do that to them. My mother would be devastated. My death would be too much. After a pause I heard my sister’s name and with it came memory of an OBE where my deceased father visited me. He didn’t come all that way for me. He came to make sure I would help my sister.

At this point I must still be in limbo because when I woke up I felt uneasy.

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At Home, Feeling Dead

I went to bed asking my guidance to help me with hope. I did not wake up with hope. Instead, I got a lesson on the power of manifestation and a reminder that I am very, very good at it.

Dream

The only dream I remember is going through an old photo album (memories) which reminded me of a my high school memory book except that it had pictures beyond and before that time. There were actual drivers licenses – mine, my sister’s and her husband’s. I saw that I looked pretty much the same in the pictures of all of mine. There was one each for my sister and BIL. My sister had huge eyes and looked very innocent and young. My BIL looked the same. He entered the dream and told me his was an ID not a license. I was showing pictures to my mom I think and maybe my daughter while sharing memories. 

I was taken to a grove of tall, bare trees and sat beneath them to talk/discuss my path with my guidance. The scene reminded me of a tarot card and the “circle of life”. I recall being asked which path I wanted to take. One path was a road I think and the other was a waterpark. The choice felt easy to me. I didn’t want to take a trip. I preferred the waterpark. 

So I was taken to the waterpark which was located under ground. It resembled a flooded parking garage (lack of movement, stagnation). It had thick, concrete pillars (strength) and I couldn’t see the floor for all the water. Every once in a while a powerful waterjet would turn on and shoot people really far through the garage. It looked fun enough. I remember watching a jet and thinking I needed to be away from one of the pillars when it went off so that it didn’t shoot me directly into one. That seemed like it would be painful.

At Home, Feeling Dead

When I woke up I was talking with my guidance. We were discussing what I wanted to do in life. I was saying I preferred to just sleep – all day, all night…forever. I like to sleep. Memory of the dream where I was looking through a photo album came to mind but instead of the events of the dream I was reminded of various points in my life. I remember discussing ideas of things I could do in life, but nothing felt worthwhile. I stated it was too much work for too little reward. All the things I have done which brought about feelings of success eventually lost their appeal over time and the little bit of success I have felt was so small compared to all the exhaustion and lack of movement/progress. There was nothing in this world that didn’t come without investment of time and effort. You can’t create something and then it continue to exist indefinitely. It will eventually crumble and be destroyed. That is the nature of this place.

An example that comes to mind is building or buying a home. You invest time and money in gaining the home and then have to continue with upkeep. I am fine with that. I like cleaning and keeping things nice, especially if they are things I enjoy. Yet with a house you also have to make payments, pay taxes, pay utility bills and follow the “rules” or else the government can take it. Get behind on your taxes and guess what? The government takes it. All that work and then….nothing. 

In my past, I worked hard to get good grades so that I would graduate at the top of my class. I succeeded but then I soon learned that my motivation was based upon a lie. No one cared that I was top of my class. Grades never really mattered. It was a control tactic used by the system to get me to believe in their lie. I ended up with a college degree because that was what I was suppose to do. All that hard work and the end result was years of toil working in a flawed system, feeling exhausted and experiencing very little success.

Similarly, with love and romance, it has been the same pattern. At first it is all amazing but over time that feeling fades and is replaced with so much expectation that I feel as if I will break under the pressure. The “love” becomes a trap I can’t escape.

Career is similar. I am at a job a while. I enjoy it at first. It is challenging and I have wins. Over time I get bored and eventually want to leave. If I don’t leave then I resent the job and the people connected to it. Again, I work hard and end up hugely disappointed with a sour taste in my mouth.

Even the interactions I’ve had with people – friends/acquaintances – have been like this. When I meet someone I think they truly see me and value me for what I can offer. Sometimes this is true and it is nice – for a short time. Ultimately what happens is they get what they want and then I am invisible to them. 

So, when my guidance encourages me to invest myself in something I feel might be worthwhile in some way every idea I have is snuffed out because I know, based upon experience of how this physical reality works, that everything I put my time and effort into ultimately cannot be sustained. Build a house. Why? It will only exhaust me to keep it. Start a new career? Why? So I can lose interest after a few month and leave? Help a person. Why? So I can watch them go downhill despite all my help?

The only thing that ever interests me now is finding a companion/partner who I feel that Divine connection with. However, even that has proved unsustainable and ultimately horribly painful. So even if I were presented with that gift again, I would probably turn my back on it because I know what the end result will likely be and I do not want to suffer through that kind of pain ever again.

After I told my guidance all of the above, the response I received was: “Then you are dead.” I agreed.

Now, as I sit here contemplating everything I just wrote, I think, “I have no problem with that [being dead]. Isn’t that what I’ve asked for all along?” 

My request and response to life and my guidance has often been: “I wish I were dead.” 

Yep. Guess I got what I asked for only the kind of dead I meant was not what I received. What I mean is to be out of this physical body and reality and back Home. Yet the word “dead” describes a state of nonexistence, the opposite of alive, so that is what I have received. I do not exist. I am invisible. I am dead.

I actually looked up the definition of “dead” and there are so many definitions of it. I see now why I have come to this place of deadness. 

Some words that fit my life that are the definition of “dead”:

Numb
Unresponsive
Extinguished
Barren
Lacking power or effect
No longer having interest, relevance or significance
Obsolete
Extinct
Stagnant

So, all these years, most of my lifetime, I’ve said: “I wish I were dead.” So that is exactly what I received. 

As time passed, the above phrase shifted to, “I want to go Home.” The response I get from my guidance is always, “You are home.” This is because “Home” means a place of residence usually with family. It is one’s place of origin, also. I have gotten both Home and home, yet because of my lack of specificity in my request and because of the use of “want” describing the lack of, I have received something altogether different from my request. Ultimately I have been given a home that feels “wanting” or full of lack. I have always felt this way about this physical reality. So, again, I have gotten what I requested.

The above recognition leaves me feeling defeated. I’ve spent my entire life asking to die and to go Home. I’ve received both, though not as I intended. Here I am, at home, feeling dead. 

Insert curse words I do not want to type out. 

Add to the above that I often tell my guidance, “I want to sleep forever” and you get an even more challenging situation. Sleep = oblivion, lack of awareness, staying in the dark, etc. So I am home, feeling/being dead and avoiding all awareness of it.

Well then I am just [insert curse word].

Now What?

The first time I said to myself (and my guidance), “I wish I were dead”, was when I was a small child around the age of 7. That is a very long time to be manifesting deadness. A looooong time. The request has become habitual over time. It is my go-to when I am struggling, feeling disappointed, and bored with life. I am effectively perpetuating deadness.

For a while now my guidance has been asking me “What do you want”. I honestly have no idea. Usually I know what I do not want. In this case, I think I’ve had enough of being dead. Yeah. It sucks. 

But nearly 40 years of manifesting deadness leaves me with no idea what to replace it with. When all I feel is deadness, how then do I begin to feel alive? 

Perhaps all of the above clarity is my guidance providing hope? I suppose it is since, after almost 40 years, I am finally seeing this huge mess I created.

I sense amusement from my Team. I say to them, “Not funny.” I hear back, “Jokes on you.”

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Human Design: Completely Open Solar Plexus Clarity

I’ve been watching NDE accounts lately. I feel drawn to them because they are similar to my STE’s (spiritually transformative experience) and I when I listen to their stories I feel less alone. To hear their stories gives me hope and helps me Remember.

The following NDE account is the one I watched last night – The Near Death Experience of Nancy Rynes.

There were several key messages that got through to me. One was a reminder that we are never alone. We have guides available to us and we can call on them at any time. We can ask them questions and they will answer. We need only listen by quieting our mind and being receptive to the answers they provide. Another was about karma. She doesn’t like the word “karma” because there is so much misunderstanding surrounding it. Instead, she calls it “making amends”. She came back from her NDE mainly because she wanted to make amends; to do as much good as she could in order to cross out all the bad. Finally, there was the reminder that our Life Review is meant for learning. We should not blame ourselves or feel guilt or shame for those times in our lives when we did not live up to the challenges of life. Instead, we should look upon those times as lessons and examples of areas where we can strive to do better. 

I went to bed specifically asking my guidance for help in answering my question: What is my purpose? Why am I still here? I honestly did not expect an answer since my dreams and waking life have been so devoid of spiritual connection lately. 

The Answer

I woke up from a vivid dream in which I was riding in a car with my BIL. He had a camera in his hand that was perched on the steering wheel as he drove. I sensed that operating the camera while he drove was stressful so I asked him if he wanted me to take it. He agreed, relieved, and handed it to me. I asked where to store it and he handed me an envelope with a woman’s name and phone number on it. When I looked at it I became slightly lucid and was flooded with emotions that I knew were not mine. I looked over at him as he drove and the emotions set in. It was clear that he had great love for me but was embarrassed by what he felt. The love was similar to what I’ve felt in dreams in the past with various people. So it was nothing new; however; this time a voice came through the dreamscape into my consciousness. At the time I was feeling very uncomfortable with the knowledge of what he felt for me as his feelings do not mirror my own and he is my husband’s brother which makes his feelings very inappropriate. So, the voice was asking me, “What would you do?” 

His question woke me and the conversation continued. I had Knowing that I didn’t have prior to bed. There were also memories of other experiences I’ve had, all pertaining to extremes of emotion. 

The question was to get me to consider how I would respond to the emotion I was feeling in my dream if it occurred in waking reality. That was why I felt so uncomfortable in the dream. The dream version of me would not have any issues with his feelings for me. If anything, I would reciprocate because when I am OOB I am full of love and without judgement or expectation of others. The waking version of me would reject the love because it is socially unacceptable here in the physical to show that kind of love to anyone and everyone I felt it for, especially a BIL. 

I remember wanting to feel the love, though, and asking to feel it fully all the time because I’ve been feeling so numb and disconnected lately. My guide advised, “That would not be wise.” In fact, I heard a “No” firmly when I pressed the subject. He said that the positive emotion cannot be felt without the negative. He reminded me of times when I experienced the extremes of emotion ranging from Divine Oneness to grief and despair as I took in the emotions of what seemed like entire groups of people throughout the history of the Earth. Those experiences were extremely difficult for me and each time I did not know what to do with all the emotion flowing through me. I felt overwhelmed and helpless yet compelled to do something. When it was the Divine Love and amazing connectedness of the Kundalini experiences I’ve had, I wanted immediately to abandon this body and return Home. When it was the grief and despair, I wanted to help but felt small and insignificant, unable to do enough to take all the pain away. 

After this “review”, I agreed with him. It would be too much. 

There was discussion about why it is too much that went beyond just how overwhelming it would be. We discussed why it was that I could feel so much from other people. I remember saying something that caused my guide to ask me, “Do you think everyone is like you?” With this came memories and reminders of how other people experience emotion. My lens of emotion is very different. While I feel so much from those around me, pulling in their emotion and fully experiencing it as my own, the vast majority of people do not do this.

Human Design came to mind along with my completely open solar plexus. This is the emotional center and has various gates with specific “lessons” attached to them. These gates allow the individual to experience emotion in a fixed way. They can only experience emotion this way and will do so through that lens throughout their life. My solar plexus has no defined gates whatsoever. I have no lens through which to experience emotion. Therefore, I end up “adopting” the lenses of others. Early on in life I was conditioned by those closest to me via their definition, causing me to adopt the lense(s) of their defined solar plexus. 

It has been said in Human Design that those with completely open centers have “mastered” the lessons of that center. However, it became clear to me that though this is true, I have mastered all lessons of the gates of the solar plexus, I am still working on the mastery of having no gates. To have no definition, no set way of emoting, is hugely challenging. I easily pull in the emotion of others and end up struggling to handle the emotion because I do not have the tools within me to do so. I am “empty” of tools. 

I asked my guide how to I manage this? My guidance reminded me that I have all I need within, all I need to do is listen. With this I recalled how I have managed in the past. I let the emotion flow through, observe it and allow it to pass. The reactive part of me cannot be trusted. I tend to react how I have been conditioned and it is not who I AM. 

I have been conditioned to take sides, to react in a certain way. When confronted with my own Design, my completely open solar plexus, I am left with…nothing. I feel calm. It is quiet. It is peaceful. These feelings are alien to me because, all my life, I’ve been surrounded by highly emotional people. My family growing up was full of emotional reactiveness. When all that is gone, when I am correctly living my Design, I think something must be wrong. I get bored and I look for things to react to. This is the addictive quality of being completely open. We become addicted to our conditioning. 

It became quite clear by the end of this conversation why my guidance was saying my lesson is in self-restraint. Just put the word “emotional” before self-restraint and it begins to make more sense. It also applies to other areas, of course, but it is emotion that sets the stage for what comes next. The emotion is the trigger. I must remember that the emotion I am feeling IS NOT MINE. It is so difficult to comprehend, yet it is true for me. I am feeling the emotion of the other(s) I am interacting with in the moment and responding in the way I’ve been conditioned to respond.

My guidance helped clarify this by reminding me that if I observe others around me, I will notice them acting upon their emotions. Emotion is the fuel of action. This is a Collective lesson as well as my own. 

So, I am here to practice self-restraint. To resist reacting to emotion. To resist taking action in response to emotion. Instead, I need to let the emotion flow through me, observe it and respond later based upon what my authority advises. This is exactly the strategy of anyone with emotional authority. You have to “ride the emotional” wave before taking action or making a decision. The impact of no solar plexus definition upon Design would be similar to being fully defined (all gates defined).

by

Be Courageous – Remember

My son woke me at 3am. He was wandering the house saying his tummy felt weird because he was anxious. In the morning he told me why.

My oldest son had some major lucid dream/OBE activity last night. He was excitedly telling me all about it this morning. Most of his experiences were on the scary side. He said he heard a man say, “Hey! Don’t come in here” when he headed to the bathroom. At the time he didn’t know he was OOB. The voice was not one he recognized but wasn’t scary. This led to a conversation about “noises off”. He later asked me, “So…does that mean we can do it [OBE] together?!” I said, “Yes!” He said, “Cool!” I told him all the times I’ve seen him when I’ve been OOB. He’s the only one of my children who ever interacts with me and is conscious of being OOB. I’m a proud mama!

Above is what I posted on FB. He said he would fall asleep for 10 minutes and then wake up to weird stuff like the above. He is genuinely interested in his lucid experiences and is good at spotting them. I look forward to watching him grow and learn from them.

When I fell back to sleep I had an odd dream about being inside a tiny home that had lots of house plants. I kept meeting all kinds of people. One I recall was a young drug addicted couple with two beautiful angel children. Everyone person I saw I wanted to hug because I could see how beautiful they were inside. I felt so much love for them. 

I think I had this dream because right before bed I was thinking how little love I feel for people lately. I am just devoid of love for other humans. I was feeling guilty about it especially since I watched another NDE account where God told the women that even her thoughts affected people. The woman would not say or do mean things but would think them, assuming that doing so made her somehow better than those that didn’t hold back. God explained that the negative thoughts feed into the person’s energy and make it harder for them to break free of negative cycles.

I definitely do the above but without thinking that I am “better” for saying nothing. I feel as much guilt for my thoughts as I do my actions or words. When I was in counseling discussing those things I have done that may have hurt people, my thoughts would come up all the time and the counselor would tell me they didn’t count because I didn’t actually act on them. Now I realize that I have been right all along – my thoughts are just as overt as any action. I should be paying attention to them, not ignoring them.

I do know one thing, I am living a life that is very negative right now. Why is it that way? Well, the same NDE reminded me that I create my reality and this “prison” is of my own making. The woman in the NDE spoke of how she was protecting herself from hurt by slowly withdrawing from the world. She wouldn’t let anyone close enough to hurt her. She ended up going to work and just being superficially nice and appropriate, then would go home and do her mother duties and then go to bed. She didn’t go out or socialize. She said no one really noticed her doing this because it was so gradual and eventually she was inside the prison she experienced in her NDE – a black void. 

I’ve created a similar prison for the same reason. 

What is even stranger is that after listening to the NDE account partially I opened up a Stephen King novel, Duma Key, my husband left for me to read. The introduction called “How to Draw a Picture” explained how white is a name we give to the absence of memory (color) and black is the absence of light. It fit perfectly. He says that taking a pencil and drawing just one line (the horizon) on a white piece of paper is the most courageous thing anyone can do because that line lets in the dark. The only way to create anything on that white paper is to draw lines (let in the dark). 

“Black is the absence of light, but white is the absence of memory, the color of can’t remember.”

Duma Key by Stephen King, no page number

To me, all the above events in the order they happened, paint the picture of a message: “Be courageous – Remember.” Because, after all, a huge part of my journey has been Remembering. Remembering is a different kind of memory, it is the recapturing of the Self through creation. We all are capable of Remembering but not all of us have the courage to do so.