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Sea Lion

The past two mornings I have awakened hearing Mumford & Sons Little Lion Man playing in my head. Specifically the part of the chorus that goes, “I really fucked it up this time”. I do not particularly like this song so I know that it is meant as a message more than me just singing a song in my head. It has not been a nice message to wake up to. I keep wondering, “What did I mess up?”

Finding Meaning in the Present

Perhaps the song is a message from my subconscious validating the realizations I have been having lately. There are many but the most important of them, I think, is that I need to look not at my past or my future but at my present to find what it is I am looking for. It is right there in front of me, has always been, yet I never see it for thinking it must be something else.

It is like going to the pantry to find a jar of peanut butter. You look everywhere for it, even looking in places you know it would never be. But you can never find it. You become exasperated and ask someone for help. They look in the pantry and laugh. They point to it. It is right in front of you, so close it could bite you. That is what I am being told is happening to me.

Part of finding what I am looking for, that blasted jar of peanut butter hidden right in front of me, is to inspect the present moment, to be aware of the moment in the moment all the time. This is when the answers will reveal themselves. This is also where the work needs to be done for it is the present moment that I most avoid.

I have been thinking of how uncomfortable I am most often during the day, especially when I have nothing to do. I am told, “Just be” and I try and succeed most times but it seems to take a lot of work. I go through periods where I do well and then fall back into old habits and again find myself feeling that really uncomfortable feeling. It literally feels like I am uncomfortable being in my own skin. I don’t recall feeling this way in the past. I did feel anxious, but this isn’t the same feeling. This feeling is odd to me; familiar but unfamiliar. I am told I need to relax into that feeling to understand. I will try and do better at that, but so far I cannot seem to completely relax into it. It really feels not quite right.

Sea Lion

In addition to having these realizations (there are others I am not yet ready to mention), I am sleeping very deeply and waking frequently throughout the night. My dreams are odd and make no sense to me. For example, I had one dream where I was watching someone mold a person out of sand. The person looked like me, only a younger version. Last night I had another really odd one.

In the dream I was returning to my childhood home. Oddly, the new owners of the home were the new owners of the house I just sold last year. They were having a party and we arrived in the driveway. It was packed with people and I was looking around at the changes that had been made. I wandered around with my husband, looking at the old front yard and seeing a leather sofa sitting outside. It was in good condition and a nice cream color. I was shocked, commenting that it was so wasteful and wanting to take he sofa home but deciding against it. I also saw that they were painting the walls of the front yard (yeah, it had walls, weird) but had changed their mind and so there were two different colors, one on top of the other. I commented on this as well, wondering what they were doing.

We went to the old garage my dad use to keep his old Corvette in. Inside was an old Mustang that was being rebuilt. I commented that the new owner must need lots of things to keep him busy since he didn’t work. I then saw that sitting atop the Mustang was a creature. It appeared to be a mermaid or something like it. It was small, like a child, and had near mummified hands and limbs. It looked dead and we inspected it. My husband told me, “It’s a sea lion, see” and pointed to what appeared to be a golden mane down its back. I saw this and thought how odd that it was called this as it was very obviously some kind of deformed human.

I watched it intently because it intrigued me. It was disgusting but I could not stop looking at it. It’s hands were both reaching up into the air, fingers spread, and its little eyes were wide open and frozen. It appeared to be garbed in heavy cloth of some sort, which is why it seemed to have a huge mane.

Then I swear I saw its hand move. I pointed it out to my husband. It was then I saw a child with us, a small, blonde one. I ushered the child away from the sea lion and towards the house. We entered but the child would not come in. We joined the party but I kept thinking of the sea lion. I went to the door, suspicious, and saw the sea lion had walked to the entry and was standing near the door, it’s mummified hand outstretched toward me. I saw the child and was afraid for him/her (not sure on gender) but shut the door. I told the owner, “It’s alive! It’s at the door!” I felt very nervous about it being outside and alive. The owner smiled and calmly said, “It just needs attention”.

Interpretation

I am not really certain what this dream means. I believe it is likely that I was being asked to attend to a part of myself that was neglected: the sea lion. A sea lion, or seal, symbolizes playfulness and the ability to have fun and enjoy life. In other words, the inner child. The state of the sea lion suggests that this part of me has been horribly neglected. I was curious about this part of me but at the same time very cautious. I did not like that it was “alive” and there was a bit of fear and horror that came with it. Then I was told the sea lion just needed attention, so also does my inner child need attention.The blond child that was with the sea lion suggests that the inner child symbolism is accurate. I believe the setting of the dream, back in my childhood home, is also symbolic of me being urged to return to childhood innocence.

Mermaids represent femininity and so it could be that this sea lion represents my feminine side since I initially thought it was a mermaid. As I consider this, I wonder about some thing. It could be that my childhood contains something that is lost to me; a memory that I hid from myself to protect myself. This seems probable because I struggle to remember much of my childhood from around the age of 7 to 9. It is also probable that there may have been sexual abuse, though I do not remember any. My sister told me in 2003 that she was sexually abused by our neighbor. She told me I told her he had touched me inappropriately, too, but I have no memory of it. None. I do recall going into his house with my younger sister and when we got to the bedroom (we were looking for him) feeling a very bad feeling and to not go there. But that is the extent of my memories of him. So I wonder if perhaps I am being asked to look into my past and find memories buried deep. I honestly don’t think there is anything major there, but then again, who knows? We will see. If it is meant to be found, it will be.

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Blue Jay

Today as I was going about my day, I noticed a huge blue jay sitting on my back fence. He just happened to be in the same spot where I saw the leaves of a tree formed into the perfect seven not long ago. I stopped what I was doing and watched him. He was beautiful and so magnificently marked. Blue jays are not around much here where I live so to see one is rare. I immediately took note that he may be bringing me a message.

Blue Jay Symbolism

From Animal Speak by Ted Andrews.

The blue jay has long been thought of as a bully and a robber, and although it can have those tendencies, it has other qualities that make it stand out positively. For those to whom the jay comes as a totem, it can reflect lessons in using your own power properly. It can also reflect lessons in not allowing yourself to be placed in a position in which power is misused against you.

The word ‘jay’ comes from the Latin ‘gaia’ or ‘gaea’ which has associations to Mother Earth. In Greek mythology, the union of Mother Earth (Gaea) and Father Heaven (Uranus) resulted in the first creatures who had the appearance of life. This reflects much about the intrinsic power associated with the jay. It has the ability to link the heavens and earth, to access each for greater power.

The black and white markings found on its blue wings also reflect this same ability. The sky (blue) separates the Heavens (white) and the earth (black). This is a totem that can move between both and tap the primal energies at either level. The jay is aware of this innate ability, and this is reflected in its blue crest–higher knowledge that can be used.

The main problem will be in dabbling in both worlds, rather than becoming a true master of both. Those with a jay as a totem usually have a tremendous amount of ability, but it can be scattered or it is often not developed any more than is necessary to get by. it is not unusual to find individuals with blue jays as totems to be dabblers–especially in the psychic and metaphysical field. They know a little bit about a a lot of things, and they use that knowledge sometimes to give the impression they know more, or that they are true masters.

The bright blue crest of the jay should always be a reminder that to wear the crown of true mastership requires dedication, responsibility, and committed development in all things in the physical and spiritual. The blue jay is a reminder to follow through on all things–to not start something and then leave it dangling.

The blue jay reflects that a time of greater resourcefulness and adaptability is about to unfold. You are going to have ample opportunities to develop and use your abilities. The jay does not usually migrate, staying around all winter, so look for there to be ample time to develop and use your energies to access new levels. It will stay around and work with you as long as you need it.

The blue jay is actually a member of the crow family, and most crows have no fear. Crows and jays alike will gang up to harass and drive off owls and hawks. The jay is fearless, and it is because of this that it can help you to connect with the deepest mysteries of the earth and the greatest of the heavens.

The blue jay is an excellent mimic, with a sharp eye and voice. It especially has a wonderful knack for imitating red-shouldered hawks. Old-time naturalists were convinced the blue jay derived pleasure from this activity. As with all members of its family, this sense of seeking pleasure–often at the expense of others–can reflect an imbalance. Sometimes jays show up when this is occurring in your own life.

Blue jays have a tremendous ability for survival with the least amount of effort. They reflect great talent, but that talent must be developed and utilized properly. If the jay has flown into your life, it indicates that you are moving into a time where you can begin to develop the innate royalty that is within you, or imply be pretender to the throne. It all depends on you. The jay has no qualms. It will teach you either direction.

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Three Dreams and a Decision

I have been struggling these last few days with the apathetic feeling as well as with a feeling of being “done”. I feel smothered by my life and unable to escape. I know that this trapped feeling is caused by my own thoughts but I seem not to be able to get the feeling to go away. No amount of yoga, meditation, or exercise helps for very long.

Last night I went to bed asking for help on this matter. I do not like feeling like this and, honestly, I feel as if all the progress I seemed to have made back in December has been destroyed. My guide reminded me that this is normal. “Two steps forward, one step back. It does not mean you are not succeeding. You are learning, adapting and becoming stronger“. Yeah, well, it sucks. That doesn’t feel like progress, it feels like wading through muck.

Three Dreams and a Decision

Similar to the prior night, last night I awoke four or more times in the night. This time, however, I recalled the dreams I had been having prior to waking up.

Dead Chickens and Geese

The first dream I awoke from was a weird one. I had been left in charge of my mother’s chickens. My job was to feed and water them and make sure they were okay. They were inside a large pen and it was pretty crowded. There was small chicks, adult chickens and adult geese.

I had not checked the birds in several days when I went to check on them. To my disbelief, I found three large, white chickens and two white geese dead. Their bodies were torn apart all over the pen while the other birds pecks around and seemed to not notice. I did not want to mess with the mess so I called my husband to help. I dreaded telling my Mom but knew I would have to.

I could not figure out what had killed the birds. My husband and I inspected the pen and the only place where something could have gotten in was a hole through the laying boxes. I concluded that a raccoon or opossum must have come in and killed them. I told my mom and all was okay.

To see dead chickens in a dream indicates a decision to no longer be cowardly. To see dead geese suggests a decision to stop being domesticated. The baby chickens indicate that perhaps I have other fears that are “growing” that will need to be tended to later.

Unexpected Guests

In the next dream I recall I was inside an unfamiliar house. It was mine, though. I walked through it and surveyed it, noting it was quite nice and had a very calming, healing energy to it. I went outside and walked along the stone patio to the back. I saw a nicely manicured green lawn and a small, stone and mortar wall. There were large trees whose trunks and lower branches were painted a rusty red. I wondered about it but decided it didn’t matter. I also saw three cats roaming about. They were friendly and I wanted to pet them but they would not come close enough. To the left was a huge lake, the waters were dark and there was a ripple of a current. I decided I liked it there.

I went back toward the house and ran into people I did not know. They were asking me for popcorn, saying my husband had told them we had some. I assumed my husband had invited them and so was pleasant but told them I did not have any popcorn. They had a cooler with them and one man pulled out a beer. They walked around the house and yard as if they were viewing it as a potential purchase. I watched them for a while and then approached the man when they were outside. I was eating popcorn and explained all we had was a tiny amount. I showed him this and then offered them all some Christmas popcorn. They were not interested.

The men were looking over the edge at the lake below and asked if we had ever swam in it. I said no. Then the men decided to go down to swim and all were preparing to follow. There was a woman with a small, blonde headed girl and two men total.

The men went down and walked along the sewer pipe that led from the house. I remember looking at it and seeing the patio. I recalled that there once was a pool there but it was now gone. I wondered what had happened to it.

I followed the men down to the lake old-gas-pumps_100171573_mand saw that the water was flowing more rapidly than it appeared. The man was going to jump in and I suggested a spot. He pointed to something and when i looked I saw that the water was full of antique gas pumps of varying colors and shapes. It was like a gas pump graveyard!

The house in this dream symbolizes aspects of myself. I focused upon the healing aspects the most. The tree suggests I have solid foundations to build upon. The water represents emotion and since it is dark the emotion is unknown or unexpressed. The water becomes more rapid, though not overly, which suggest the emotion is growing in intensity. The uninvited guests symbolize new challenges and interests in life  The popcorn indicates positive growth and new ideas. Finally, the fuel pumps indicate untapped energy that is waiting to be utilized.

Decision

I awoke from this dream in a sour mood. I was still feeling unable to cope with my life and feeling trapped by it. The feeling is hard to describe but I will say it is very uncomfortable. I admit I thought of some not so good solutions to try and avoid the problem. However, I suddenly was hit with an idea – I needed to take a week vacation by myself. I just needed to go somewhere alone by myself for a while to get away.

I immediately thought how purposeless that would be because I would just return to the same life I left. Nothing would change. I began to get caught up in the hopelessness of my situation (or at least it seems so to me) and thought about escaping in the night never to return. I love my family, my children, but I recognized that there is a part of me that does not enjoy parenting or being an adult. I recalled a few past lives that confirmed why I had these feelings but pushed them away. I recognized that it is OK to feel like I do. I am not bad to feel this way and I can leave anytime I want. Oh it is so tempting!

After thinking upon this for a while I recalled good ol’ karma. Now I am not sure that karma even exists, but I do know that I have a very strong purpose when it comes to my family. I just cannot leave my children and my husband never to return. This would go against my agreement to them. I don’t know how I know this, but I do. I could do it, nothing says I can’t, but the feeling is that I need to fulfill my part. This is important to me as well as to them. I don’t know the full extent of it, but the feeling does not lie. It says, “The only way out is through”. If I want this cycle to be done, I need to go through this and fulfill my part for whatever reason.

So I returned to the idea of a week long vacation. I decided it was a good, temporary solution. It would offer me relief and give me something to look forward to. Also, I would need to plan this out and planning trip is something I have done in the past with great success. It could be fun. But where would I go? What would I do? This, I feel, will come to me. All I need to do now is making the decision. So it is made. I will plan to take a trip alone during Spring Break. I asked my husband if this would be okay and he said it would be.

Any suggestions as to what I should do? I thought maybe I could visit the Monroe Institute. Or maybe there is somewhere else that would be better? A warm place would be nice and a place where I can meditate, sleep, and be surrounded by beauty and positive energy.

Lavish Hotel

I fell back to sleep after making my decision and jumped into a semi-lucid dream. I was walking with my mother down our road. To the left I saw a huge hotel that had been built. It was at least 12 stories high with windows that reflected the light like mirrors. It had a silvery-blue sheen to it and was quite grand.

I remarked to my mother about this and she pointed ahead. I saw a large shopping center being constructed. I was very excited to see this and know that our small town would be booming soon because of this new development.

We decided to go into the hotel to look around. We went up to the top floor where we stood for a while in awe of the grandeur of the place. The walls were white with gold trim and the ceilings were domed and high.

We saw that the entire top floor was a fine restaurant. We stood in line and decided we just wanted dessert. A waiter came to us and recommended something. He said he would bring it to us and so we waited in the waiting area. As we waited, a man, his wife and children were sitting near us. The man was eating dessert and his son was climbing all over. I watched him and his children and thought of my own.

A hotel indicates a shift in perception is occurring and that old habits need to be replaced with new thinking. It also indicates the need for a vacation. Eating dessert represents enjoying life, indulgence or temptation.

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Bunnies and Dead Dogs

After my very vivid dream about the death of my mother, I was a bit shaken. I finally told her about it the next day. As I suspected, she did not freak out. Instead, she told me that she had recently had a sudden vision of herself passing out and being found by her husband dead on the kitchen floor. She also told me that she has been having dreams about death – her own and her husbands. She has also been worrying about updating her will.

She told me she believed that I was just picking up on her emotions; that the dream was not precognitive. This may be true, but I did not feel better after telling her about my dream. I told her that, too. We agreed that I would give her a call on the 21st and joked a bit to make ourselves feel better. I asked her before hanging up to please tell me if she felt anything out of the ordinary.

I have done all I can do now. I pray that my dream was just a worry dream like my mother said.

Bunnies and Dead Dogs

Last night I woke up at least four times throughout the night. Each time I awoke from odd dreams. Now, hours later, I can only remember one dream and of that dream, only a small portion.

In the dream I recall walking outside in the grass while talking with someone. It was beautifully green all around – the grass, the trees, everything. It reminded me of Spring.

When I got to a certain area outside, I noticed a dead, black and white Australian Shepard. He was black and white and brown and very beautiful. I kept walking, thinking it odd to see a dead dog, when I passed by another identical dog, also dead. I blinked, thinking I was seeing things, but the dog was there still. I turned around and where the other dead dog had been there were several small, black and white bunnies hopping about. I was confused for a moment, thinking that the bunnies were also dead. However, they continued to hop around happily.

Afterward, I was with my middle son and he was asking me to get something for him. I responded to his request but first had to wash my hands. I went to a nearby sink and began washing my hands. When I looked down they were covered with blood. I recall wondering how I got blood all over my hands. Had I killed the dogs?

Interpretation

I am not sure what this dream means but I can figure out the symbolism attached.

A dead dog symbolizes either the loss of a good friend or the deterioration of one’s own instincts. Dogs typically represent a strong, loyal aspect of one’s self so this would be the part of myself that has died.

The rabbits are interesting. Rabbits represent good luck, welcomed changes and also vulnerability. The colors of the rabbits I think are significant. Black symbolizes fear of intimacy and white symbolizes faithfulness and love. From the looks of the dream so far, it appears that I am focusing on developing more intimacy and love within my relationships.

The washing of bloody hands represents cleansing away of guilt.

A Feeling of Finality

Lastly, I continue to be haunted by a strong apathetic feeling. It feels so final and unavoidable. I seem not to care much about anything anymore except my family. In fact, I nearly quit my job because we could not find an affordable babysitter for 20 hours a week. We did find a solution but when I thought about quitting, I was okay with that option. When I wondered what I would do instead, I got a feeling to trust that something would come my way.

It just seems like everything is ending or becoming finalized in my life. Then what? I don’t know. I think that is what bothers me the most. I honestly don’t have any answer to the question my guide is always asking me: “What do you want?” Hell if I know.

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The Incompletes

Last night I had an uneasy feeling before bed. I instantly knew it had something to do with a mother figure and so assumed it was my mother-in-law since she has been doing very poorly. I had sensed previously that she does not have long left on this Earth – two years give or take a year to be exact. I could not get my heart to calm down after this feeling hit me. It is like it knew what I didn’t consciously know yet.

The Incompletes

I had a very upsetting and emotional dream last night. In the dream, I had just heard that my mother had died. It was unexpected and I was told a couple of days after it happened. I was devastated and experienced grief beyond description. I cried so hard that I could not breathe and it felt as if my entire midsection and heart had been ripped from my chest and stomped upon. In the aftermath of her death, I watched as her new husband first went through shock and then an intense grief of his own. Newly married, they had not had much time together. His previous wife had also died so this devastating loss was much more than he could bear. I watched as he walked about, head down and shoulders slumped, as if awaiting his own death.

Throughout the dream I cried and in between my bouts of grief I learned more details of my mother’s death. I learned them from my mother herself as she spoke to me from the Other Side.

The idea to speak to my mother directly came to me from within the dream and I calmed instantly and began to hear what she had to say. She told me how she died, saying it was a sudden heart attack that hit her during her waking hours. She collapsed as her heart failed her and she died almost instantly. I had hoped she had died in her sleep, so this disappointed me.

I remember asking her what would happen to her belongings – the house, dogs, etc – and recalling that she had written all her children into her will. She told me there was a problem, she had not updated her will since her marriage and by law all her property would go to her husband by default regardless of what her will stated. I felt as if being told of this conflict was in part for me to help prevent it, but at the time I did not really care. I only worried about her husband as he would not care either and would likely not last long after her death.

I then asked her when this would happen and she said, “The 21st” and I assumed it meant of this month. I then asked her if she had completed her transition after death and she said, “No. That will happen in July”. It seemed a long time to me but I just listened, still overcome with grief at losing her.

I kept fighting my grief and it would hit me suddenly and with such intensity that I wished myself dead to avoid it. In between these times I had clarity and calm and it was during these times that i would hear my Mom and receive her messages. One message in particular stands out to me.

My mother told me this: “There are soldiers coming down now. All us Intermediates are leaving”. I immediately recognized the part about the “soldiers” and thought there must be a war coming. I wondered, though, about these “Intermediates” as she called them. I assumed they were those who had not completed their transformation for one reason or the other and so were leaving now to return at a later date and complete it.

I again became overwrought with grief to the point that I could not breathe. My body shook and I woke up, tears streaming down my cheeks.

What Does it Mean

Waking up in tears from such a vivid dream about my own mother’s death really upset me. Was this a precognitive dream? Or does it symbolize something else? I got the dates of January 21st and July of this year. Is that about my Mom? Or is it about me and some symbolic “death” I will be going through this year? Maybe it is both?

I can never be certain if a dream is precognitive until after the time period passes when whatever is foretold should happen. The feeling I had from the dream suggests it is very much a possibility that death could be visiting my family again this year and that it could wreak havoc if things are not in order when/if it does happen. However, I am not very good at foretelling the future of those closest to me. My strong emotional attachment often skews the information. Yet I get told many things in my dreams and via my guides and when I receive information this way it is always true.

I plan to talk to my mother about my dream to at least forewarn her of the problems that could result if she does not update her will. She will listen, she always does, but she will take it with a grain of salt (I hope). I don’t like telling people of my precognitions, especially when death is involved, but in this case I feel I must.

Ego Death or Something Else?

As for the Intermediates and soldiers my mother spoke to me about in my dream, the information about them was not surprising to me. It was as if she was reminding me of them rather than telling me for the first time. I have long had visions that there are currently thousands of souls coming to Earth now with a unique purpose. I see them as streamers of light coming down from the Heavens. I have also previously had messages sent to me of an upcoming period of crisis that would result in the loss of millions of lives and change the way people lived. These souls can be seen as “soldiers” of both real war and a different, spiritual war.

As for the Intermediates, I have also gotten precognitive glimpses of such a group. When my husband’s boss and wife died last year, I got this message clearly and saw that many were choosing to end their reincarnations now so they could come back and help with the “adjustment” that the newer souls would be going through. There is a peak in the number of these souls – “soldiers” – coming in 2020. As they will be children first before they grow into their purpose, they will be confused and in dire need of guidance. I have seen myself as one of these human guides and assumed it meant I would leave this life before 2020 so as to be back in time to help.

I questioned my guide as to my accuracy in translating what I have seen and been told. I was not given a direct answer. I asked if I was one of these “Intermediates” and was told, “Yes”. But I wonder if I will truly “die” and join the other Intermediates or if I will continue with my transformation in this life first. I am confused because, though it feels like I will be leaving this body prior to 2020, it could be the infamous Ego death so many are talking about. I wonder, which is it?

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Wharf

Not much has been going on with me spiritually this week. My ascension symptoms have decreased and I am feeling pretty much normal. When I check my chakras they are all open except for my crown, my third eye being the most wide open of them all.

Ascension Symptom Update

I am noticing that I am back to the high-energy state I was in prior to December 12th. I am also no longer experiencing the sweating and hot flashes that I was back then, which is a relief.

  • high energy
  • mood swings
  • feeling cold
  • seeing images/shapes out of corner of my eye
  • mild headache on and off
  • disinterest and/or feeling apathetic
  • deep, near dreamless sleep
  • restless at times

OBE – Wharf

I could not fall asleep last night because I was so cold but eventually I did. I suspect it was around midnight but am not sure.

I suddenly became aware that I was swimming in the water beside a wooden pier of some sort. I was not alone. Next to me I could sense a person; a man. Curious as to who was with me, I reached out and touched him. His body was solid and I could feel his arm and his back. He was facing me.

It was dark, so I suspected my vision had not turned on yet but I did not think much about it at the time. The man with me responded to my touching (I guess he thought I was sexually interested) and began to kiss me. I allowed him to, but was not really into it. I felt nothing in response to his kisses. I was more curious about who I was with.

As if my curiosity acted like a command, my vision suddenly brightened as if a light switch was turned on. I saw in front of me and very close a young man with brown hair and pale skin. I immediately stopped kissing him and inspected him. He looked directly at me with bright blue eyes that had flecks of different colors in them.

I realized that this young man was very young, probably only 15 or 16 years old. I was a bit surprised by this. “He’s just a boy!”, I thought to myself. The young boy stared at me uncomfortably and said, “Age doesn’t matter here”. I wondered to myself, “Can he read my thoughts?”

I recall thinking all kinds of things to myself about how young he was and how I would not have kissed him had I known. I am certain now, thinking back on the experience, that my thoughts were easily read by this young man because I sensed he was very disappointed that his sexual adventures with an older woman had been stopped. I laugh to myself now about it because I did not feel horrified or disgusted by his young age, just disinterested.

The young boy, whose name I know is Ryan (not sure how though), began to leave. I saw as he left that we were inside a building, a very old one at that. I must have gotten out of the water because I felt myself standing on a solid surface but it was swaying and moving as if with a current and I knew I must be on a pier of some sort. I surveyed the room I was in an saw it was made of old wood with spaces between each plank that let the light in.

I turned to my left and saw a man lounging nearby. He was just as vivid a sight as the boy was and seeing him took me by surprise. He was older than the boy with yellow, curly hair and deeply tanned skin. I went toward him to get a closer look and found myself face to face with him quite quickly. I looked into his eyes and saw/felt he was intrigued by my inspection of him. I saw his eyes appeared green and gold with some brown around the edges. I asked him, “What color are your eyes? Are they hazel?” He smiled and said, “Are they?” I somehow knew at that time that he and I had met before but I could not place him. I remember asking him, “You, too?” and he said, “Yes”.

comedytragedyI stood back and looked at him some more. He really was quite handsome, in a rugged sort of way. He was lean and tan and wearing a Speedo or maybe some of those tight fitting boxer briefs. I was amazed at how much detail I was seeing. I could see the tiny, curly blonde hairs all over his arms and legs and also the tattoos. I said to him, “You have tattoos” as I touched his left leg. I looked more closely at the tattoo and saw that it was of the comedy/tragedy mask. It took up his entire left thigh.

He allowed me to inspect him, his face showing his amusement. He said to me as I was looking at his tattoos, “Bet you wouldn’t guess I was a doctor”. I looked up at him, thought a moment and said, “No”.

He got up and headed toward the same door the young boy had gone through. I followed and watched as he walked down a dimly lit corridor. I could see it swaying with the tide and saw lanterns hanging from the rafters.

I yelled after him, “What’s your name!?

He turned and yelled back, “John”.

I said, “Nice to meet you, John. I’m Dayna”.

The interaction with John and Ryan was curious to me and I stood there wondering about it. I thought I must be in California but I am not sure why I thought this. I also wanted to know more about this John.

As I thought about everything my awareness began to increase exponentially. I felt myself come back into my body and immediately began to recount the OBE.

False Awakening

I laid there a while going over the OBE in my mind and then decided I must get up and type it up as soon as I could or else I would forget it. I got up and went to the computer and sat down. I began to try and type it up in an existing document but it would not allow me to. My daughter came and began to bother me about watching t.v. showing me the yellow triangle of the internet connection which meant access was limited. She kept bothering me to the point that I told her to go downstairs.

I suddenly realized I was not really awake but actually dreaming. I forced myself to wake up, feeling very, very groggy and finding that I could not remember where I was or what I had been doing. I knew I had an OBE but could not remember anything about it. I concentrated and was able to remember it. I got out of bed right away and wrote it down before I ended up in another dream.

Factors Influencing Projection

Lucidity scale: 5 increasing to 8

Intent stated?: No

Time to bed: Midnight

Time to wake: 5:30am

Meditation?: No

Physical Exercise?: Yes

Mood: normal

Body: normal

Tiredness: Low

Number of wakings: 1

Technique?: No

Sleeping position: Right side

Supplements: Multivitamin, Mineral supplement, Natural Calm, Sleepy Time Extra Tea, Calcium 500mg, Vitamin D 1000mg, Vitex 150mg, DonQuai 150mg, Biotin 1000mg, Vitamin E 400mg

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Mental Hospital

I am told that I am going through a transition stage by Eron. From what he has showed me, this transition phase involves a shift in the direction of my auric energy flow along with the integration of my ego-Earth Self with that of my Higher Self. The results are already being noticed but will be subtle and build up over time.

Last night I had several dreams which are mostly lost to me now. In one, I was speaking with a young woman who resembled me but appeared about ten years younger with blonder hair. I told her that she had one-and-a-half years yet to go before she would meet up with another. The young woman appeared disheartened by the news and I knew I had told her something she did not want to hear.

I awoke suddenly from this dream feeling that I had been the recipient of this message rather than the woman and wondering if the message was about meeting with my Higher Self or meeting another person. I worried it meant the latter but as has been the usual for me lately, let the thought pass by and did not focus upon it. And even now, when I try to think on it more I feel as if I am being told, “You will see. Do not waste your energy on trying to figure out something you are not yet meant to know. Trust that it will be revealed when it is meant to. Leave it”. So odd that now I listen to this internal dialogue and do not fight it. And stranger that it no longer much resembles a dialogue but rather an instinctive knowing and nudging.

timequoteMental Hospital

After waking I stayed up a while, my mind blank and wanting very much to snuggle back into my covers and sleep. Yet I had again the high energy that I had prior to December 12th and so tossed and turned for some time in my attempt to sleep until the sun rose.

At some point I must have fallen back to sleep as I found myself inside a mental hospital. This is the second time I have dreamed of being in a mental hospital and it bothered me even from within the dream. Yet my feelings were subdued and accepting, as if I knew this was exactly where I was suppose to be.

As I waited in the waiting room, I noticed a foreign family sitting and waiting as well. The family consisted of an elderly couple and their son. The woman was hovering around her husband who was to be admitted to the hospital. He appeared bent over and catatonic. The son was busy pacing around.

The elderly woman began to talk to me and told me they were Hungarian. I do not remember much about our conversation but I do remember that she wanted me to speak to her in Hungarian but I could not. I told her my husband could and called him over. It was at this point the dream seemed to shimmer and I found myself in a different dream within that dream.

I was speaking to my brother-in-law and he was comforting me about my being admitted to the hospital. I don’t remember what we spoke about but I do recall hugging him tightly and feeling that wonderful feeling I often feel when I am comforted by one of my guides. I felt safe and as if for the first time in a long time I could really rest. There was also a strong desire to be with him but I was confused because he resembled my brother-in-law and so I was conflicted.

When I awoke from the dream I felt sad. It seemed to me that I was being told I had to wait. I felt to be in a very critical condition. Not that I am “sick” really but I honestly felt as if I were dying. I recall reading somewhere that this is a normal feeling for one who is in transition. They may feel they are truly about to die and believe this to the point that they prepare a will and get their estate in order. I have felt this for some time and have even considered drawing up a will, sure that I would die soon. It was this feeling that again hit me after this dream. It is a deep apathy that does not move but just sits there. It is as if all the fight in me is gone and I have nothing left. There is a death coming/in process. It is the ego death.

I tell you this, though, the feeling is very, very convincing.

In dreams, to be in a mental hospital symbolizes the giving up of one’s own body or Self. This seems appropriate to me as does the man in the dream who appeared catatonic. It was very apparent that he needed to be in the hospital and so I believe he was a reflection of my own need to be in such a symbolic place. I had no personal rejection of being there or being admitted. It felt to be a place of support and love. I should be happy about this dream because it shows my willingness to surrender yet the feeling is that this is a process I cannot rush.

Time

As this day progresses, all I can think about is how very long a year-and-a-half seems. For a while I despaired over it and felt I could not endure even one more minute like this. It was then that I heard Eron say to me, “Time is nothing but a preoccupation of thought”. And since then I have left the fixated thoughts behind me. What really does it do to help by thinking about something I have no control over? It is so much easier to not think of such things.

And I am not miserable, really, but the feeling I do have is indescribable. I go about my days with some rise in anger at my situation only to have it squelched suddenly by some unseen force within. I then go about my day thinking only of what I am currently doing. When I try to think ahead I feel brain dead, as if someone has squeezed that channel in my brain closed. To think of the past exhausts me. If I think positively about the future this does not happen, though. It is very odd to me but I do not fight it. I do not have the will left in me to do so and to fight feels so wrong anyway.

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Observations

An interesting thing happened yesterday that quite took me by surprise.

This year, like all the years since I married my husband, all the family met after Christmas to celebrate together the “Hedge Christmas”. The name comes from one year when the host used a bush as the Christmas tree and thus the name stuck ever since. In total, about 20 people sit cramped in a small living area and exchange gifts, one at a time. It usually takes at least three hours for the gift giving and in between we eat and chat and see family we have not seen in a long time. FYI – this “family” is not blood family, they are friends of my husband who he loves very much and the only relation is that his brother is married to a daughter who is related to the main family in this group. She is rarely ever in attendance BTW.

The celebration was set for the evening at 7pm, which is not the usual and I worried about my babies being tired as their bedtime is at 8:30pm. I asked the night before for my guides to help me through the event because every year I end up a knot of nerves and unsettled energy. I never quite feel comfortable and always want to leave as soon as I can.

The big surprise for me was that I did not once, NOT ONCE, feel unsettled, anxious, fidgety or energetically unbalanced. In fact, I felt completely calm, relaxed and comfortable. The event went well, though my children did end up screaming and crying from being overtired and wanting their beds. Funny enough, even my children’s crying and misbehavior did not get on my nerves.

When I got in the car to head home I quietly congratulated myself and searched in vain for the knot of energy that typically sits in my stomach after such an event. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I was so unsure what to do with this new feeling that I even tried to conjure up the familiar feeling, certain that I must have missed it somewhere in the chaos of crying children and gift giving.

I couldn’t find it…..anywhere.

Observations

One of the things I was able to do at this family event was take notice of the reactions of different individuals to me. I mainly do this by paying attention to their responses and to how their energy feels.

One particular young lady I know is very cautious of me. I am deserving of this and feel bad that I have made her cautious of me. I never intended any rudeness toward her, but in the past I have been in a not so good place around her and I have a tendency to snap and give off negative vibes when I feel overwhelmed energetically. Rather than let my ego respond to her cautious response to me, I merely recognized my responsibility for it and knew that it would take a long time to repair. I knew to only send her positive vibes and treat her as I would treat myself from now on and that eventually she would let down her guard. I obviously hurt her and like anyone who has been hurt she responded by putting up her guard. I would do the same.

This young lady is in fact the one whose face I kept seeing when I was doing yoga. From the experience I recognized that I often reject in others that which I have denied myself. This young lady is happy, naively innocent in many ways, and generally good-natured and warm-hearted. So when I was around her in the past I was not very nice to her.

With other individuals in the group, I did not find the same energy. Most were happy to have me respond differently to the situation and I even got hugs from them. Some even reacted in surprise to my calm, open receptiveness. But with them all there was an uncertainty there as if they secretly wondered, “How will she be tonight?”

My husband has told me that most of them are afraid of me. I laugh at that because I am truly very harmless. However, I am loud and blunt and often say things that come out all wrong and with the wrong energy. Though I have not done this to most of them, they have heard about me and so my reputation has them a bit nervous.

Yes, I can be that bad. I am not very fun when I feel trapped. I am like a hyper bird in a cage who keeps bumping their head into the bars in an attempt to get free. If someone happens to be in my way, well they end up with a wing in their face unfortunately.

I am working on that. lol

After last night’s victory, I was able to see that I have not lately had much of that anxious energy that I have lived with my entire life. Usually, when I am in groups the energy is really bad and can make me literally run the other way. This mostly happens in groups larger than five people, even family groups larger than this. During my first spiritual awakening this feeling intensified and would rise up to my throat and cause me to noticeably shake and tremble. I learned quickly that this rise of energy was connected to Spirit and how to control it and it soon stopped almost completely. But there still remained the nervous knot in my stomach that would cause me to eventually feel all the symptoms of major anxiety as listed in the DSM-IV (I think it is now DSM-V now though). At its worst, I felt this high anxiety even when alone.

This energy came back the day after the 12th of this month, when I had the intense kundalini energy. It rose up so fast within me that I ended up outside all day long in order to get it under control. I must admit, it is a scary feeling even for one who at one point was accustomed to it. I am in awe of my past self for surviving so many months of this feeling almost non-stop. How did I do it??

Denying Emotion

When I think about how different I feel I cannot help but connect it to message I keep getting from my guides. They have said, “You are changing” and “You have changed. Don’t you feel it?” And I am now seeing it, feeling it, more and more.

One of the things I am working on was made apparent to me last night in my sleep. I do not remember my dreams now but I was talking with a woman about emotion and holding pieces of what appeared to be pictures that represented emotions. When I awoke I said to someone (I was still conversing as if in the dream), “So denying emotion denies me access to myself?”

What I am able to remember from my dream discussion is that every time we avoid a situation because it causes us anxiety or discomfort, we are denying ourselves an opportunity to really know our Self. Because in each uncomfortable feeling, each uncomfortable experience, we are forced to grow and expand beyond our safe place. It forces us to glimpse within our Self a piece of the unknown; a piece of our forgotten Self. It also allows us to grow into acceptance of not only ourselves but of others. For in each expanding experience, each challenging, excruciatingly difficult confrontation with our Self, we expand also for everyone else.

So the next time I find myself sitting in an uncomfortable space, one that makes me want to run the other way or that fills me up with such anxiety and fear that I want to lash out at someone, I need to sit with the feelings and listen. I need to let the feelings flow through me and in doing that I will be able to see the truth behind them. And in seeing that truth be released from the fear, the anxiety and other negative feelings that result from the denial of that truth.

There really isn’t any horrible monster hiding behind that fear. It is only me.

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Conduit

This morning I was surprised to find myself in a lucid dream.

Tree House

In the dream I was roaming through the inside of a darkened home. I was upstairs and then traveled downstairs with ease. I knew I was flying and it was then that I first began to gain lucidity.

I then found myself remembering my entrance to the property. I saw in my mind a road that led to a home that look much like a work area for some business, not a home. There was lined up along the side of the house a storage area about five feet high by twenty feet long and inside was row upon row of steel gray, plastic garbage bins.

Around the side of this storage area was the entrance to the house. I remember talking to my companion saying, “I know there is a house here but where is it?” I then saw in my mind the layout and remembered. “Oh yeah, the master suit is upstairs and below that is a large living area connected the the kitchen”, I said to him. It was very clear in my mind and with the memory/thought I traveled instantly to the master bedroom. Throughout this for some reason I knew this tree house was what had become of my old house as the new owners had transformed it. Something about knowing where I was and why brought me fully lucid.

OBE #1

The minute I hit full lucidity the scene changed and I found myself in a room in the process of exiting my body. My exit was quick but my body felt somewhat cumbersome as I moved away. My vision was black and white and gray but that did not bother me. I was just happy to be out!

As I made my way to a nearby window, my body became lighter and easier to control. When I reached the window and looked out, my vision cleared and I could see the shiny appearance of the window and the white trim. I immediately wanted to go outside and made up my mind to do so. The minute I began to move through the window I heard, “No”. At that instant I returned to my body.

OBE #2

Without thinking, I exited my body and threw myself into the void that awaited me. I wanted to see but found I had no sight whatsoever. This did not bother me, though, and I decided to allow myself to just be in the blackness that surrounded me. I surrendered to the darkness and felt myself fall backward and it was as if the darkness came over me like a wave of water.

I then felt and sensed a hand and so eagerly reached out to it. Instead of grabbing back, though, the hand, which was attached to a very long arm, reached past my hand. It then shot through my center and through to the other side of me. This did not frighten me, though. I thought perhaps the arm would wrap me in a large bear hug and I welcomed it. Instead the arm pulled me back into my body.

Conduit

When I awoke back in my body, I allowed myself to stay in the in-between state for some time and recognized I was in that place just past when hynagogic imagery occurs. I knew if I wanted that I could allow myself to enter the hypnagogic state, but I did not want to.

As I lay there, the back and top of my head were alive with energy. It felt as if the energy were pouring into me and I just lay there and allowed it to flow into me. I then felt my root chakra light up and it felt as if the energy that was pouring into my head was coming out of my root.

I heard my guide say, “Conduit”. In my mind I saw an image of the energy pouring into me from above and then pouring out through my root to be pulled back up into my crown. I questioned my guide asking, “What exactly are you doing to me?” And he responded, “Making adjustments” and then showed me where as he told me. I saw the center of my brain and heard, “Amygdala” and then saw behind my eyes and heard, “Eyes” . I asked, “Anywhere else?” and he said, “Heart”.

I then wondered about my OBEs. Why was I allowed to go OOB when I was told to not expect it? I have been asking nightly to go OOB and kept hearing, “No”, which usually means I will not get to go OOB. And then, why was it that I was not allowed to continue out the window?

I was told that with the adjustments that were being made to my energy body that it would not be good for me to access my astral body, which is why I was prevented from going through the window. When I asked why it was not good I heard, “You will leave”. I did not/do not understand that answer but I accepted/accept it.

It is interesting to me that the energy flow that I saw in my mind was coming from above and circulating through my feet and then back up into my crown. Usually, when I see my energy moving it is in the opposite direction. I was then shown, told why this was happening.

What I was shown was the chakras in the human body acting like a large antenna which is used to remotely control the body, mind, emotions, etc. From what I was able to gather, this is what “conduit” means, as a conduit is “a means for transmitting or distributing”, but in this case what is being transmitted is thought/spirit/energy. I was then reminded of something I was told not long ago – “Your poles are shifting”. And so what I gather is that part of my changes (and maybe everyone who is going through ascension) is that the typical pattern of energy flow in my body is changing direction.

What does this mean?

From what I can make of it, it means more direct access to my Higher Self, more than I have ever had in this lifetime and previous lifetimes.

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Purging Continues

Since the big bang of kundalini energy I experienced on the 12th, I have not had anything near as intense occur. Additionally, I have not had any significant lucid dreams or OBEs. I am told this will continue through the end of the year and not to expect any major changes until January 2015. Apparently, I am in an adjustment period but I am not really sure what that means. I do know that I have been sleeping very deeply and for long periods of time. I have also met a new assistant named Eron who has been communicating with me.

Purging Continues

Even though kundalini has slowed down considerably I continue to experience buzzing and pulling energy in certain chakras, primarily my crown and lower four chakras. As I begin to once again remember my dreams I am noticing that my dreams tend to be about making decisions, confronting fears and accepting change.

Fear of Success

One main fear that I am working on is the fear of success. A dream I had two nights ago indicates that I am afraid of the responsibilities that come with success and power, specifically group norms and rules of those who enjoy a high standard of living. In the dream my husband was promoted to a high position and I was as well. I was told this by someone who worked for the police department and the position my husband got was one of those high up political positions that comes with high pay and lots of responsibility. I had no issue with my husband’s promotion but I was told that I would also be rising to an administrative type position. I was not concerned about my ability to do the job and even visited my past assignment to say goodbye and prepare to leave. However, on my first encounter with the higher-ups I grew nervous because I did not like “fake” people and could sense their pretense.

When I woke from this dream I felt very unsettled. I could feel energy all around my head buzzing and expanding. I instantly thought that if I wanted to have success in my life that I would have to confront my uncomfortableness with groups and pretense.

Self-Denial

Last night I had a dream where I was moving very swiftly down a highway with my daughter. I do not recall being in a car but there was cars all around me. The cars in front suddenly slowed and stopped and we passed by an accident where a truck had hit people. Three dead bodies littered the road and ambulances and police cars were all around, their lights flashing. I remember looking at a dead woman’s body and another body with head trauma and feeling bad for them.

We continued on the highway and then there appeared a man standing in the middle of the road in front of me. He had dark hair and was wearing blue jeans and a blue-gray t-shirt. I stopped and escorted him off the road. When we reached the side of the road there was a woman standing behind some railings. She looked at me and said point blankly, “You’re late”.

The dream then shifted and I was visiting a school for juvenile delinquents. I was a substitute half-day and just sat in the class while the kids calmed down. The lights had been turned off and we all just sat there. Then the teacher came in and the students left. A meeting was held and the boss was chastising a teacher for having a relationship with a student. I left with the others and thought to myself, “I am so glad I don’t work there anymore”.

Upon leaving I entered an elevator and went down to the first floor. From there the dream went black and I found myself in a void. I was semi-lucid here and had a conversation with two men.

At some point I began to wake up from orgasmic sensations that began to move upward toward my heart chakra. When I became conscious of the sensations I inadvertently stopped them from reaching my heart. Upon realizing what I did and recognizing some things about myself and my life, I broke down in tears.

Eron

My new assistant (or new to me at least) quickly began to talk me through whatever was happening. I recognized that I had been denying myself so many things in life and was grieving over this. He told me that I had the power to enjoy life again; to experience pleasure again. It was all up to me. All I could think about was that if I enjoyed life again I would hurt others. I was reminded that sometimes the help we give to others is not always viewed as “good”, that even those things we do that are considered “bad” are assisting others.

I began to enter the in-between state that I often do upon waking too early in the morning to conversations with a guide. It was during this time that I was awakened by words from my guide. He said to me, “My name is Eron. I am the first of your family. I am here to help”.

This woke me up because I did not know what he meant by “first of the family”. What family? And why “first?

I then wondered about him because I could not get a visual of him which is usual since most of my guides “show” themselves to me either in dreams or in a “picture” in my mind. So, I asked him, “What do you look like?

He replied, “I am silver”.

Silver? What does that mean? I wondered to myself. Then I asked him, “What do I look like?”

He replied, “You are white”.

I thought about this for some time because I had never considered my “color” or my guide’s “color”. What do the colors mean? Are they like what Newton’s patients describe in his books? Is our color representative of where we are developmentally?

Based upon Newton’s premise, white is the color of a beginning soul. However, there is no mention of silver. I was never quite comfortable with Newton’s idea of soul’s having a certain color based upon development and now I am again wondering if it is inaccurate.

Dream Recall

Interestingly, I recalled a dream I had last week as I typed the above considerations. It was a short dream and one that really seemed insignificant at the time, but perhaps there was more to it than I realized?

In the dream I had returned to the house we sold in July. I was walking up the back steps to the porch where a couple of people stood. I do not know who they are now, but in the dream they seemed to be old friends of mine.

When I approached one exclaimed, “You are so white!” I looked down at myself and said, “Yeah, I have not been out in the sun much lately”. I had assumed they meant my skin was pale because I had not been sun bathing! lol

Now as I recall the dream I am wondering if they were in fact trying to focus my attention on the changes within me. I hear over and over from my Higher Self, “You have changed. Don’t you feel it?” And I do notice a change but it is not that noticeable to me.