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Lucid Dream: Compass

I have some bad news. My sister, who has been home recovering from her bout of sepsis is now back in the hospital. She had been doing well and feeling good when suddenly she began to feel tired and sick. When she developed a high fever, chest pains and shortness of breath, her husband took her to the hospital where she was told the sepsis had returned along with endocarditis and an abscess on a previous graft to repair an aortic aneurysm. She is now experiencing the same symptoms as before – swelling and pain in her right leg, pain all over, and discolored skin (purplish).

Yesterday’s report from her husband is not good. Though her cardiologist wants to perform surgery right away, the surgical team is against this. They cite my sister’s leaving the hospital against medical advice and her previous drug use as the reason. They gave three options: six weeks of intravenous antibiotics like before, transport to a nearby hospital that may do her surgery, or admitting her to a facility that is one step above hospice.

Her husband is going to try and talk to the team this morning in hopes they will change their mind and do surgery. A abscess on the heart valve is an emergency situation that requires immediate surgery. Without the surgery the survival rate is very low.

When I saw her husband I noticed he did not look well. He seemed puffy, like he is retaining water or had gained a lot of weight in a short time. He was also complaining of tooth pain in two teeth and mentioned he needed to get the teeth removed. Seems like he too has the tooth decay common to a Meth addict. 😦 I suspect he was not giving us all the information as to why they would not perform the surgery. My guess is they found Meth in my sister’s system when they ran their tests.

When I left my Mom’s home she hugged me and would not let me go for some time. She began to weep and shake as she said, “Hospice? I can’t believe they want to send her to hospice….” She plans on going to Houston if that is where my sister ends up going. Right now that seems like the best option. I may accompany her if that is the case.

Yesterday morning, before receiving the recent options, I woke up from an unrelated dream thinking, “My sister is going to die.” I began to question this, however, because with my dog, Trooper, and my grandparents, I was warned in advance of their upcoming passing. I received direct messages to “prepare myself” well in advance. Yet with my sister the messages have not been as clear. I did have a precognitive dream indicating her stay in the hospital was “just a drill”. Does that mean this time it isn’t a drill? It feels like it.

Other messages have been coming up, though. Mostly the lyrics from song – “This could be the end of everything, so why don’t we go somewhere only we know.” In fact, only the day before yesterday I was telling my husband that I worried the song message was meant as a message warning me to prepare for my sister’s passing.

I’ve also had dreams in the last couple of days where I a comforting my mother, singing to her and hugging her.

Similar to how I felt when presented with the knowledge to prepare for each of my grandparent’s passing, I feel somewhat numb. Even when hugging my mom to comfort her yesterday I did not feel sad or want to cry with her.

Ever since my sister’s first admission to the hospital on February 14th I think I have been in preparation mode. There were times when I asked myself, “Is there anything I feel I need to say to my sister? Anything left undone or unsaid?” The answer was always, “No”. Even when I thought back on our childhood together and sifted through those memories I could contact no lingering emotion or sadness. That life seemed not to be mine, or at least to be a very distant past life.

So odd.

Lucid Dream: Compass

Suddenly I find myself lucid within a dream. I am standing in an empty bar. A man is in front of me. He is unfamiliar and I cannot recall his appearance now. Somehow I know he is there to help – a guide. I communicate without words, asking him for advice on what to do. He holds out his hand. In it is a tiny compass pendant. As soon as I have the intention to accept the gift it appears on a chain around my neck sitting right over my heart. The message that comes with the compass is to let my heart guide me.

I feel somewhat panicky and concerned. There is a question posed with my concerns and the response was a close-up visual of the compass. It looks something like this:

Compass Necklace #urbanoutfitters | Fashion LOVE ...

I stand in the bar with this guide for some time but my memory of this time is mainly of how acutely aware I am of being there. Time feels to be standing still and I have a deer-in-headlights feeling but I don’t know why this is.

Then there is this feeling of being released somehow, as if I have permission to leave. I decide to take control and head toward the front door. When I open the door it is dark outside which disappoints me. I begin to sing as I attempt to fly but am immediately grounded and so have to walk. My intention is to make the sun come out so I can see better but it never happens. My thoughts are on my current life and how I create my reality. I try to do this by flying and setting an intention, so when I cannot I feel as if the message being relayed is that my reality is interconnected with many others. Therefore, there are agreed upon rules I must follow.

I lose lucidity and the scene blacks out. I find myself standing outside a small bistro. A man and woman, the owners, invite me to come in to dine. They speak with thick accents and I realize I am in Belgium.

They hand me a menu that is filled with light dishes made mostly of fish. I look at a shrimp dish and inquire about it. The woman tells me the dish will take a very long time to make and advises me to choose another.

I remember talking to someone about going somewhere. The location is Frankfurt.

Interpretation

I am not sure what these recurrent dreams of being in a bar represent. The bars are always empty, too, which is unusual. I am not drinking alcohol then I am not trying to numb my emotions or avoid something. So, perhaps the bar indicates I am open to experiencing something that could be emotion, but have no emotion as of yet.

The compass is pretty self-explanatory, it is indicating the direction I need to take will be shown as long as I am open to receive it (listen).

The darkness I encounter when I go outside indicates something is unseen or unknown. I am unable to illuminate it or to fly and this upsets me. I want to know and be in control but cannot know everything and control is an illusion.

The restaurant scene is interesting. I do not know what the county and city symbolize. Perhaps they are just symbolic of me feeling out of my element? I am invited to eat, which means I am being offered assistance in the form of spiritual nourishment. The shrimp meal indicates that I feel powerless and small. The woman advises me against it which seems to be a message that I have a choice – I am stronger than I think.

Edit: Just received news this morning on my sister. It has been confirmed that the reason the doctors don’t want to do surgery is because they found Meth in her urine. 😦

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Dream Message: Stimulation to Awareness

Things are starting to get a little more interesting. I am guessing the upcoming partial eclipse on the 21st, the summer solstice and some astrological placements are part of this. Or it could just be that I am ready for a change since I’ve been asking for assistance. Whatever the reason, the energy is vamping up.

In a recent review of the last six months of journal entries and blog posts, I saw very clearly that I made a decision to take a break, not only from spiritual experiences but from the Kundalini and the awareness it brings (among other things). The reason for this decision was fear-based. I am a firm believer that we alone are the cause of what we experience in this physical reality – good or bad. So I went looking for the “why?” for my “suffering” knowing I alone was the cause, no one else. Sure enough I saw plain as day my retreat and subsequent shutdown which in turn left me with nothing more than physical reality as my teacher. And oh the lessons have been hard….and annoying. lol

As soon as I realized what I had done I attempted to undo it. I have been asking my guidance to help me return to the path I abandoned out of fear. I have been asking for the Kundalini to return as my teacher. I have been asking for my heart to open; for acceptance, forgiveness and surrender.

Slowly but surely my requests are being answered.

Dream: Stimulation to Awareness

The dream begins inside an old farmhouse. There is a knock at the door and I am rushing about to get a package for the person at my door. I open the door and hand them the package and they inquire about another item – a t-shirt (relax). I know where it is and retrieve it, handing a white t-shirt to the young girl it is meant for. She takes it and the scene shifts.

I am inside a classroom in the uppermost floor of the farmhouse with a group of people who feel like teachers. I see a white board and a man is standing by it pointing to what looks like a math problem but is a game that reminds me of hangman. The math part looks like long division but the answer is written in letters. The others there are guessing those letters. The first letter is an M. I knew immediately that the other letter was T and that they were trying to determine the “state” and that state was Montana (spiritual journey).

Someone asks me to ensure that people who are coming to the party can find us because we are all on the third floor. I see how many doors have to be opened and how many turns they will need to make. Without someone to guide them they will need signs. My job is to post the signs so I head down and begin to put up signs on the walls. I recall that one floor, the lowest floor, was very cluttered and there was a young girl’s bike stored there. It was my daughter’s old bike (solo journey) and I mentioned that. I was told it was being kept for another girl who very much wanted it.

I returned to the third floor. It is soon apparent to me that it is a retirement (end of something is approaching) party. An older man is talking about his wife’s retirement but it also feels like a birthday. She is turning 51. He asks me about my mom and I tell him she is 65, but in reality she is 71.

Then I overhear a group of women talking about moving to Montana. One lady is excited to go, talking about her three month stay there and how she longed to live there. I interrupted and told her the winters were extreme and didn’t she know how difficult they were? I told them how I lived there for 3 years and suffered through the winter. They replied but instead of hearing words I saw a visual of a woman standing next to a four wheel drive pick-up. There was snow everywhere and she was wearing winter attire – an all black, heavy coat, gloves, boots and hat. The message I received was, “Yes, the winters are harsh but if you are prepared they will be tolerable and even pleasant.”

I remember saying I would never live in Montana again and the dream becomes hazy.

The last thing I remember is writing something on the white board. As I wrote it I read it aloud to myself. I read it over and over until I became lucid enough to recognize what I was reading. I read, “Stimulation to Awareness”.

As I woke I took notes of what it was I was saying and writing knowing it was a message. But what did it mean? This question led me to a conversation with my guide that became more and more lucid until I finally awoke.

A song came to mind, part of a verse repeating – “This could be the end of everything, so why don’t we go, somewhere only we know….”

The discussion I was having was about continuing where I had left off. I was asking how to move forward. How do I surrender? How do I get past the fear? I told my guides I was ready to try again. They told me to be patient, take my time and I would be shown the way. All I can do is trust that.

Dream: Zane

I am at an outdoor venue. There is a large, open-topped bar in front of me. An older man with deeply etched smile lines and a very thin, wiry body is standing behind the bar. We begin to talk and I think I recognize him from high school. I ask him if he attended my school. He replies that he did. I ask him if he knew the Brezindines. He said he did.

Suddenly, I see an older woman wearing clothing that is much too young for her age. She has two parallel scars (wounds from the past) above her breasts (related to feminine) and just below her collarbone. She is wearing lots of jewelry and her face is tired looking with too much makeup. I remember thinking she must have had a very hard life.

The woman is purchasing a bunch of toddler shoes. I go up to her and ask her if she is one of the Brezindines. She replied that she was. Then I ask if she has many grandchildren and motion to the shoes. She says she does. Her tone is pleasant and friendly. I hope she doesn’t perceive my judgement of her but she seems not to notice.

I am back at the bar talking with the older man. Our conversation is lost to me but the images that pass between us are not. He shows me that he is part of a band. I see him singing but he is younger. It is like a time reel in my mind. I watch him age. I watch him fall in love, have a child, struggle through a failed relationships, etc. It feels like he is part of a heavy metal band like AC/DC. I see the name of the band. It starts with an S and is familiar.

The most memorable part of the dream is the man and how he looks. His face shifts as if the real him is shining through – as if I am seeing how he sees himself as well as how others see him.

What we say seems to be about how life can take you places you never intended but that it always takes you where you are meant to be.

I ask him about his son who is still quite young. Is he still married? He replies he is not.

For some reason my lucidity begins to peak very quickly and I am very acutely aware of the man, his energy, my energy, the setting and everything around me. There is a warm, pleasant energy building in my chakras starting with the root and moving slowly upward. It is very subtle but growing in intensity, swirling and building pressure especially around my solar plexus. The more aware I become, the more the energy intensifies.

For some reason I feel the man is creating this effect. I receive a message from him that suggests this but I can’t recall what it is. A part of me withdraws and I wake up. The energy persists, prominent in my head and mid-section.

I wonder who the man is. I hear back, “Zane.” He requests that I allow myself to return to the in-between. I do but shift in and out, unable to remain there for very long. A conversation with Zane is on-going but most of it is lost to me now.

Though our discussion is lost to memory I realize my reaction to Zane’s energy in the dream is a result of the fear that has pushed away similar experiences for the last six months or so. It is clear to me that I have work to do. I have to stop waking myself up the minute the K-energy arises.

The last thing I hear Zane say to me is, “I can’t do it for you. You have to do the work.”

Considerations

The phrase, “Stimulation to awareness” has stayed with me. It feels like it is referring to the Kundalini energy and how the stimulation of it leads to more awareness.

The reference to Montana is also not lost on me. I have dreams about Montana quite a bit. Montana is always about my spiritual journey. I say I will never return because of the harsh winters there but am shown I can prepare for such times. It feels like I am being advised to reconsider my decision.

The hangman type game being played feels like a message also. Perhaps it can be better understood by looking at the tarot card meaning of the Hanged Man? If so, then it suggests that I am indecisive and need to surrender.

The hanged man tarot card meaning

The second dream feels more like a guide encounter with Zane and a test to see how I will handle the Kundalini energy. My response to the energy is to wake myself up. The older woman represents some aspect of myself. I am critical of her.

The message that I have to do the work makes sense. Perhaps I am hoping someone will come in and save me? Or this could just be a reminder that I am avoiding something.

Source of Hanged Man image

 

 

 

 

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Dream: Subaru U2

I continue to be thankful for the quality, restful sleep I’ve been getting. I do hope it lasts! My dreams are odd, but I don’t mind. 🙂

Dream: Fixed Fish Aquarium

This dream is from two nights ago. It stuck with me for some reason so I am finally writing it down.

Most of the dream is about a large, 50+ gallon (Higher Self), rectangular fish aquarium (my emotions related to my physical reality experience). I recall checking water levels, inspecting the health of the fish inside, and arranging the plants and rocks inside (maintaining my physical reality, keeping it healthy). There was a circulation (emotional) issue I resolved as well. I happily bragged to a person who was with me about setting up the pump and bubblers so that the water traveled in a counter clockwise (improvement) direction. I showed the person from above the water line where we could see the water moving smoothing around the perimeter of the tank.

Then I saw a smaller tank, about 1 gallon in size (smaller self), sitting just to the left of the larger one. It had many smaller fish inside – guppies (cowardice) mostly – and I opted to transfer those fish into the larger tank where they would do much better. I remember there being an algae eater fish (cleaning, healing) in the small tank and knowing it was needed in the bigger one. There were also many tiny, newborn baby fish (potential) which pleased me.

The entire dream scene shifted and I was standing outside on a sidewalk on a university campus (life lessons) looking at the various halls. We seemed to be standing in an area where the sidewalks met and formed a kind of circular courtyard with benches and tall trees. A woman was with me. She pointed out a large waterfall (dramatic change in life perception) pouring down the side of the dorm (personal and private self) hall. I thought it odd that a waterfall would be cascading down the side of my dorm room but it was quite beautiful regardless. Her explanation was it was part of the renovation (healing, adjustment).

Dream: Subaru U2

The dream began as a trip to show a group of friends the land my father had told me he was going to give to me. I mostly recall one young man who was with me. He was romantically interested in me and we had been emailing and communicating back and forth for some time. We had decided to date with the hopes of it becoming more serious. He had with him two male friends. I’m not sure why I was taking them to my land but I was eager to show it to them.

When we got to the property I took them to a large garage where my father stored all his old cars. The cars were well cared for but most were quite old, some models from the 80’s and 90’s and some even older than that. My focus was on a particular car that my father was storing for me until I was ready to drive it. It was a black sports car parked in the back corner of the garage. I picked up a large key chain full of keys, found the key to the car, opened it and let them explore inside it.

The car was interesting in that it had a removable hard top that was sloped. The paint was original so it was not perfect, graying in some areas, but it was still in good condition. The men looked inside and were impressed, even asking to take it for a drive. I didn’t allow this but I’m not sure why. I remember saying the car was waiting until I was ready to drive it, implying it was not for them.

At one point I was trying to determine the make, model and year of the car. I said aloud, “I can’t remember what kind it is…” Then I looked closely at the emblem and though I can’t remember what it looked like I said, “It’s a Subaru….a Subaru U2.” For some reason I thought the make and model was rare and very expensive. The year shifted as I recalled the date. I saw 2011 and also 2016 but the numbers blurred together so it is hard to know for certain.

The men then looked at some other cars parked nearby. One was similar to the Subaru but not as well maintained. I remember insisting they not mess with the other cars and said it was time to leave.

As we exited the garage and walked through a garden full of workers tending to it, the sun was just rising in the sky. The young man who was interested in me walked ahead acting a bit strange. He later stopped writing and communicating with me and I remember thinking, “He must not like the real me.” I was disappointed and sad about this. My thought was, “People like me until they get to know me.” Memories came to me, all of times when my blunt, opinionated and bossy side came out and friends and boyfriends left because they interpreted these characteristics as negative or selfish. In that moment I hated the personality I selected for this lifetime and saw it as a means to separate me further from others.

Music Message

I woke from this dream hearing words from a familiar song – “Why’d you have to be so rude? Don’t you know I’m human, too? Why’d you have to be so rude? I’m gonna marry her anyway…”

Memories of all the relationships I’ve had – friends and boyfriends – in this lifetime came to me. They all had in common one thing – they start out great with good connection but over time seem to wear and fray at the edges. I see myself as the cause of this. Many of my past friends and boyfriends have told me straight up that they can’t handle my intense side, and that is the nice way of putting it. When I get upset, emotional, tired, or am just not in a good place (depressed or unhappy) I tend to be more prone to blowing up and saying exactly what I am thinking without filtering it. So, in other words, I stick my foot in my mouth. This is difficult for most to handle. Most retreat or go silent. Some come back at me with just as much intensity. Regardless of how they handle it, most eventually get tired of my often unpredictable and emotional blow ups and disappear from my life.

I am better at controlling my outbursts now but even so I struggle to articulate my feelings or upset in a way that won’t hurt the other person. Sometimes I vow to just not speak but when I don’t speak up for a long period of time the outbursts seem to take on a life of their own and I do more damage. It doesn’t help that I perceive the other person’s feelings and if they are judgmental or critical of me I get angry and frustrated, feeling they aren’t really listening to me. 😦

Thankfully, not everyone disappears from my life. Those that stay can fight my fire with their fire (so they are usually fire or air signs) and when it all blows over we can move on holding no grudges and often feeling relieved to have expressed our feelings. Honestly, I prefer those who are like this. Those who remain quiet or act submissive lose my respect in the end, as I am sure I lose theirs. And honestly, I don’t blame them because I am real good at steamrolling over those types.

I interpret the song message I woke with to be about how the men I end up marrying are able to accept and even overlook this side of me and have what it takes to be with me long-term. The same goes with my friends. It just so happens my best and most long-lasting relationships (including those with family) are all fire and air (or a mixture) signs. Ha! My younger sister, who is an Aries with Cancer moon, cut me off, however, but I can’t say I blame her or that even miss her moody, grudge-holding, poor-me behavior (yes, that is my blunt side coming out, so be it!). If she comes back into my life and attempts to mend our relationship I will take her back, arms wide open, even though she will likely not respond the same.

Subaru Message

Then there is the Subaru message in the dream. I had to look it up because it stood out so vividly.

The name Subaru is Japanese, meaning ‘unite’. It’s also a term for a cluster of [seven] stars in the Taurus constellation, named ‘Pleiades’ by the ancient Greeks. According to Greek mythology, these stars were once Atlas’ daughters. The [seven]-star cluster featured in the Subaru badge design is known in Japan as mutsuraboshi, meaning ‘[seven] stars’.

Subaru was the first automobile brand to use a Japanese word as its name. Source

The message via the car make and model in my dream was, “Subaru U2”. I take this to mean that I am part of this cluster of stars. I am a Starseed from the Pleiades. Based upon my memories, OBEs, and spiritual experiences, I am originally from Lyra, which is located in the Pleiades.

The sports car symbol is one I have seen in previous dreams. Cars symbolize one’s life path, the characteristics of the car symbolizing the characteristics of the path. A sports car, which is made for speed, symbolizes a path that one is on that goes quite fast from one point to another. A black car is not negative but actually represents the unknown, or something unseen and can also symbolize the intuition or Higher Self. In this particular dream the car is being kept for me in a garage. Garages indicate a “parked” path, so progress is stopped or temporarily delayed. The other cars in the garage are likely other paths I’ve taken at various points in time. Thankfully, I hold all the keys to these many paths. 🙂

The dream suggests that the path that is connected to the Pleiades is on hold for now, parked in a garage and maintained until I decide to once again take it for a spin. In the dream I show it – and mySelf – to others and am rejected because of it. This saddens me and causes me to judge myself harshly, blaming my human expression of my Pleiadian self as the source of much upset in my life. Yet when I think back on when I am rejected in the dream I am not concerned but instead proud of who I am. I recognize that sometimes others just don’t understand and that is OK.

 

 

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Kundalini Dream: Abandoned Kittens

A third night of wonderfully deep and rejuvenating sleep! I believe it is due to the full moon and after this morning’s experience I have no doubt.

First, though, I want to share a dream from the night before last because I think it provides a glimpse of what was to come – and then happened this morning.

Dream: Leaf Monster

What most stands out from this dream is a scene at a swimming pool. A young black girl, one of my “students” in the dream, takes me to her pool. She shows me a small step fountain of about four block steps leading to a tiny hot tub. She then goes down the steps of the fountain on a tube. She explains how a friend did it and wiped out but she did it without issue.

As I walked around and surveyed the scene I saw that the pool area was pretty neglected. Fallen leaves had gathered around the pool and in it, piling up and covering the surface of the areas surrounding the pool. The leaves were mostly thick and brown with some of various Fall colors. I told my student the leaves tend to pile up where I lived, too, especially the oak leaves. I described the process of raking and bagging leaves every year and my disdain for it. We have to do it twice a year in Texas because the Live Oaks lose their leaves in March while the other trees lose their leaves in the Fall.

The girl showed me how they cleared the leaves. She took me aboard a ship-like contraption that had a large hole in the bottom that acted to lure in a creature – or monster – that lived in the water. The monster ate leaves apparently and when I saw it it looked like an eel or snake. It was enormous and could easily eat a person but I was not afraid of it as I floated over the clear, blue pool watching this creature swim around eating leaves.

Then I recall talking to my student about my grandmother. I tell her how my grandmother is ill and doesn’t have much time left because her liver and heart are failing her. I say she is around 96 years old. Then my grandmother is there and I am talking to her. This grandmother is no one I recognize yet I assume she is my Nanny who died in 2014 when my son was newborn (making her around 96 this year if she had lived). We talk about her late husband and I tell her I miss Granddaddy, too.

Interpretation

Pools are often in my dreams indicating a need for refreshment, healing and rejuvenation. The clear, blue water is clear emotion and calm. Leaves are often indicators of sadness, hard times, regret and other negative emotion. These are piled up high and I am trying to get rid of them. The neglect of the pool indicates a neglect of myself in some way – likely emotionally. I have left the debris to settle and pile up and need to clean it up. I reflect on how difficult this task is and how frequent by reflecting on the leaf duties I have to complete twice a year. I believe the monster that is snake-like is the Kundalini. I am not afraid of it  and it “eats” the leaves, clearing the “debris” easily and hungrily.

I am not so sure about the grandmother symbol here. Since grandparents usually symbolize wisdom and learning from ones mistakes in order to make better informed decisions, it could be that this part of me is somehow dying or ill and has not long to live. Perhaps I am not learning from my mistakes? Or there is a desire in me to kill off a part of me that is ill, specifically in the “heart” and “liver”. There was a third area, maybe the kidneys, but I can’t recall it now. This older version of me, which means a past version, is clinging to her love of a husband who has long been dead. The latter of the two feels more likely. Who wants to kill off the part of them that is wise and learns from their mistakes? I certainly don’t! But the death of a part of me who is clinging to the past feels much more freeing.

Kundalini Dream: Abandoned Kittens

This morning I woke around 6am and struggled to return to sleep because I had slept so well. The phrase from the song Disarm was going over and over in my head and really beginning to annoy me – The killer in me is the killer in you.

I read the meaning of the song lyrics yesterday and know the song is about how the songwriter had wanted to kill his abusive parents as a child but instead opted to write a song. He explained that he recognized the only way to end the cycle of abuse was to approach it with love, thus him sending love and a smile instead of violence and anger. So, I know now that the meaning of the message was similar – end the cycle with love. Yet the song was not going away. What was I missing?

Somehow I fell asleep. I entered a dream house. It was light and airy feeling inside. I had found a litter of kittens (feminine sexual energy), about nine, that had been abandoned. Someone was with me and we were talking about the kittens. I remember looking at them and commenting on how they had no tail (sexual pleasure) – they looked like little bobcats.

After observing the kittens for a while, I discovered they were only being fed once a day at 7pm. I told the person this was unacceptable because kittens need to eat frequently.

I went into the space where the kittens were being kept and got a flat dish out. I held it up and the kittens knew it was time to eat. They came out of their hiding places meowing. I called to those that were still hiding and saw them coming out of the garage (delay, lack of movement). I remember saying aloud, “They shouldn’t leave the door open like that.” One kitten jumped up near me and tried to climb into the dish.

I found the kitten food stashed in a corner. It had been left with the kittens when they were abandoned. As I poured the food, large sprouting plants (new life, new potential) with clumps of roots came out with the food. It was like the food had “sprouted” like a seed rather than going bad from disuse. I was fascinated by this and plucked the small, tree-like plants out so the kittens could get to the food.

I sat down with all the kittens petting and cuddling with them. One lay on me purring as I stroked it. The whole of the experience was relaxing and pleasant.

For some reason I thought to let a kitten suckled on my breast (weird!). I lay on my side and held the kitten close as if it were a baby human. The sensation of it it suckling reminded me of when my own children breastfed.

This is when the dream shifts and I become quite lucid. Whoever I had been talking to in the dream is much more present in my awareness. I don’t recall what he says but my root chakra suddenly explodes with energy and the energy quickly intensifies, shooting energy upward in spurts that cause me to squirm. I feel as if I wake up but I don’t think I do because the conversation continues as the energy subsides.

Then I have a short lucid dream of being in a store. A man is standing behind the counter. He hands me an ancient, leather bound book and shows me a page. On it is written a song. I don’t recall the words but I saw them, nor do I remember a melody but I sang it. He cautions me, telling me, “It is a spell.” I somehow knew the spell was linked to the root chakra activity I was having.

I recognized this man was giving me a choice – sing the song and reignite the Kundalini bliss but also release layers of suppressed emotion  – or not sing the song and keep things as they have been. As I stared at the song and the man my root was swirling creating a pressure that I could feel throughout my Being. It was as if it was calling to me asking me to “release” and “surrender” to it. All I wanted in that moment was to do just that.

Much happened here as if in a millisecond. The man explained to me that if I agreed to “sing the song” that the feeling I was experiencing in the root chakra would return. He said, “You will not be in control” and asked me if I could accept that. My response was, “I’m not in control anyway.” I also remember the time period of “six days” being mentioned as if this experience I cannot control would last that long.

The entire time this discussion is occurring the K energy is rushing upward over and over, each time stopping at the point where I feel it will most definitely kill me. With each ebb and flow I feel this power. It is hard to describe. I feel powerful but also without power.

The last thing I recall is asking the man why it has been so long. His response was that I had requested it (it being the K energy experiences to stop). I do recall doing this some time ago.

Conclusion

Taking the two above dreams into account, along with the others prior to these dreams, it seems I have been invited to continue my work. This work is spiritual and involves the Kundalini. The K energy needs to be allowed to do its job – clearing out the debris and blocks that remain.

During the past few days I have been having emotion and memories from 2015-2016 surface in spurts. It is easy to push it down and pretend it isn’t there, but the feelings don’t go away. I had asked last night prior to bed for help in coming to terms with these feelings/emotions/experiences. I recognized that what I have been doing isn’t working. Pretending the feelings are not there doesn’t make them go away; it doesn’t heal them. In fact, I’m not even sure “healing” them is the correct course of action. These feelings seem to be part of me; like a spark that needs to be allowed to ignite and grow larger and larger. I believe that in asking for help, asking to be shown what to do to finally come to terms with what happened and is still happening, opened a door that I had closed. I closed it because I felt the process to would surely kill me and I am afraid of the unknown.

I received a message not long ago, maybe two weeks ago now. I was told, “You will be seen.” It has stayed with me regardless of my trying to ignore it. As memories of 2015-2016 were coming up along with the emotion and connection of it, my guidance stated, “He sees you.” And I understood then what the message meant. To be “seen” by another, truly seen, is what I experienced and what I miss so much.

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Dream Message: The Killer in Me is the Killer in You

Another good night’s sleep after many weeks of struggling to sleep. Funny how grateful you can be for something you once took for granted when you have been denied it so long.

Dream: The Killer in Me is the Killer in You

The dream began on a highway (life path). I was with someone, a friend, and we were navigating the path together, giving each other advice and direction.

What I mostly recall of this part of the dream is seeing two dead (suffering, loss) geese on the side of the road. One was white and black, the other brown and black. A motorcycle (forward movement and balance in life) without a driver had caused their deaths and I pointed it out as if to suggest the irresponsible driver caused the carnage.

I arrived at a small town and met up with my friend there. We went into a shopping area. A building stood in front of us which we both knew. It stood apart from the rest and was a line of a three or four shops that inside were all connected. The outside was brown and somewhat rustic or old looking, but modern at the same time. She asked me if I had been to visit the vendors there, I said I had. We agreed to go inside and take a look.

Inside we stopped at a healer where my friend had previously been. She motioned to the two men standing there. One was bald and robed like a monk, the other was taller and older with graying hair. They stood behind a small table that had a tapestry hung over it and a singing bowl and other healing tools sat on top. When I turned to look the men welcomed me, opening their arms and motioning me to come over. I turned and looked at the other vendors and said, “I don’t think I need healing right now….”

My friend accepted this but something changed my mind and I turned back and walked up to the men. The cost of the healing was discussed. As usual, a donation was the only price. I said, “I only have $4 (cautious advancement).” I reached into my purse and got out my wallet, pulling out my money. When I looked at it I was surprised to see more than I thought and upon inspection I had two $50 (personal freedom) bills. I said, “Wow! I didn’t know I had this much!” When I inspected the money it appeared to have nothing printed on it and was a bit transparent and iridescent. When the money changed position, however, the printed ink could be seen. I opted to keep the two $50 bills and donated the rest.

I was asked to stand on the table, left foot resting on something a bit higher than the right – a bowl maybe? Whatever I stood on rotated and was covered in fabric. The man instructed me to let myself spin with the rotation of the disc I stood on. I could feel myself off balance and was afraid I would fall so I stiffened up. He instructed me to relax but when I heard his voice it sounded like a woman’s. I suddenly felt to be lower, ground level, and hands were lightly touching both shoulders. The energy felt feminine and I relaxed into it, closing my eyes and spinning gently. I could hear a woman’s voice encouraging me and telling me, “That’s it…”

When it was over the two men were there again and the woman gone. The spinning sensation had balanced out and I received a vision of an old man with white hair and a beard. He was familiar. The taller of the two men asked me what I had seen and I told him. He was astonished and pulled out a picture of a man. I confirmed it was him and said, “He died here….he had trouble breathing…his chest hurt.” I somehow knew the man’s name was Yogananda.

At this point I asked to be excused to use the bathroom (release, healing). I went into a room from which several woman emerged. Inside I found many women in various positions and several tall clay pots for urinating in. I saw one woman on the floor as if seizing as she pushed a large, white ball around. There were other women on the floor as well all seeming to be convulsing as if overcome by something. They were not in danger, however, and I knew it. They were “possessed” by the Divine.

I entered yet another room, hoping to find a more private place to urinate and encountered more women. Along the side of the room were smaller rooms with doors – small saunas. Women were inside the saunas sweating, conversing and very relaxed.

The dream fades in and out here. I recall mostly trying to urinate and not being able to and seeing various strange toilets made of clay pots that were too high to sit on and so forced a woman to stand. In one I remember feeling I must be getting a UTI because my bladder hurt.

Lastly, I am standing again at the table with the two men and my friend. A song is playing in the background. It is familiar.

Messages

When I woke the words, “The killer in me is the killer in you….” are whispered to me by a voiceless voice as the music in my dream fades away. I know immediately the song, one I have not heard in years.

This is when the name of the man I saw in my vision repeated in my mind – Yogananda. I knew little to nothing about this guru so had to look him up. Turns out he died of heart failure. Source 

I am sure his teachings are relevant, also, but I will wait to be shown what, if any of his teachings, are relevant.

PARAMAHANSA YOGANANDA QUOTES image quotes at relatably.comAs I lingered in bed, still heavy with sleep, a calming energy swept up and down my spine – an energy hug as I call them. With this energy came a reminder that all lessons are cyclic and will repeat over time until learned and absorbed. If there is anything we can be sure of in physical experience it is that life repeats and so what we feel we have lost or been denied in one experience will be offered up to us again in another. My response was, “But what if it is not until another lifetime?” The reply to that was, “It will be so if you desire it.”

Yet a part of me feels afraid and resists the offering of certain lessons again. I can feel her clinging to her safety net; beliefs birthed out of fear and suppressed memories of when pain and destruction came from following the heart.

As I pondered this, it was revealed to me, as if a memory, that no specific path is the “right” one. It is just a path chosen to explore and many new paths can arise from it. The way of the heart is not linear, nor logical, nor can the destination always be seen/perceived for that is the Soul’s journey unto itself.

And with that I am brought back to the song and the words in it. It speaks to me of Oneness and how we are all aspects of one another. There is also the part about how the years “burn”. This is very real to me. Sometimes it feels as if time hurts….burns.

And I am reminded of a vision I had this morning that I nearly forgot. A plant grows, vines moving upward and then bursting into brilliant flames as if flowering Light. The image of it pleases me, I’m not sure why.

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Theme: Cockleburs

I continue to have difficulty falling asleep and getting a good sleep overall. This has been on-going since before Covid-19 hit mid-March. Some days I will get sleep that is good and solid, but mostly not.

Last night I felt a distinct shift in the energy. When for weeks I have had little to no communication from my guidance, last night I did. It came in the form of energy hugs and messages without words and I knew I would get a good sleep.

Dreams

I had many dreams and woke once in tears.

The first dream I recall was set outside on a rocky slope. I was with my daughter and we were walking along a dirt path to a bus stop (temporary setback in life). I was wearing sandals (life path) and felt like I use to as a child – hopeful and looking forward. Recognizing I may need better shoes, I went back to get my tennis shoes and then carried them a bit before placing them on the side of the path. As we walked we talked and I was in high spirits. As the time for the bus to arrive grew near I remembered I needed my tennis shoes and realized I would not be able to get them in time. So, we walked a ways to the bus stop, down the hill and a bit further, past where the bus normally stopped. When we got to a certain point it was like we triggered a switch and a small hill covered in shrubs to our right burst into flame (passion, intensity). There was a distinct pause here as I recognized the “switch” being triggered (perhaps a fire will be triggered). Each plant became a burning bush. One began to char. I was unconcerned and let them burn.

In another dream I was in a stadium full of people looking for a place to sit. I soon realized no one had on shoes and for some reason I was very put off by the bare feet (others’ path, following another path) all around me. I shifted and tried to avoid contact with people and even asked some to move over. Someone asked me why I was so bothered by bare feet. I mentioned they were gross, smelly and just dirty. As I talked about my upset I began to cry and burst into tears over the prospect of so many bare feet.

Then I was in another time period and place. It was like a scene from a wild west movie. I was with a young boy (masculine aspect) who desperately needed new clothes (ones outward appearance). At this time there was something about arranging four cocklebur plants (annoyances) in an area and planting them. This caused me to become emotional but did not wake me. Eventually I helped the young man, taking him to a shop to get fitted for new clothing which consisted of knickers, a shirt and a leather satchel. I remember thinking it was quite expensive and hoping he did not want me to buy him a whole wardrobe.

The scene shifted and I was in a strange house sitting on the floor beneath a dresser or cabinet. It felt like something was crawling on me so I looked up and saw the biggest millipede (unwilling to confront something) I had ever seen. I withdrew in fear until I realized it was dead and mummified. I then noticed the front door to my house was open and went in to investigate. I yelled to the intruder to get out but then realized the house was being cleaned (healing). I was asked to help pull a sock (major life disappointments) out of a vacuum and the lady took it to clean.

Messages

When I woke a song was in my head:

The song quickly turned into another song and with it came a memory of the movie it went with – Into the Wild. I thought of the story line and what happened in the end, how the poor man must have felt as he lay dying all alone. I didn’t know why memory of this movie came to me but now see it fits in with a bigger message.

Then I saw this memory on my FB feed. Something I posted in 2013:

First I was dying to finish high school and start college.
And then I was dying to finish college and start working.
And then I was dying to marry and have children.
And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough
so I could get back to my career.
And then I was dying to retire.
And now I am dying…
and suddenly realize that I forgot to live.”
– Author unknown

See the message now?

Cockleburs

It may seem odd, but cockleburs have been a message for a while now. I had a dream a while ago, maybe a week or more now – you can read the post here. Almost daily since posting that dream I have seen memes and other references to cockleburs online. If you don’t know what a cocklebur is, it is a very annoying, large sticker that gets easily embedded in things. They are almost impossible to get out.

In one of the above dreams, seeing the cocklebur plants causes me to burst into tears. The feeling I had when I woke from this dream was of hopelessness and overwhelm. The message this symbol brings is that I am dealing with issues that are annoying and they are not easily resolved. Nothing I do seems to make them go away so I tend to just live with the issues/annoyances. The fact that this symbol continues to reappear indicates just how upset I am by these issues in my life.

In this time frame I have been having quite a bit of stress related to life foundations and my stability. This has mostly passed but the physical side-effects have been eczema, which I tend to get when I have high stress. Similarly, loss of sleep tends to accompany stressful periods in my life.

I will leave you with a flash of a vision I had of myself just now: I saw myself walking on a path wearing tan colored clothing that was full of cockleburs. Ha!

 

 

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Dreams: Master, Graduate

Got tired at 9pm. Went to sleep. Slept until 7:30am. Happy. 🙂

Dream: Master

The first thing I recall is being in a kitchen that reminded me of my Mom’s kitchen at first. I was watching a woman via a video call who was showing me how to make a dish. I followed her instructions but then she asked me to use another pan and do several more steps that began to make the recipe quite complex. It was only suppose to use one pan but I went ahead and tried it. I was able to make a semblance of it but not without noticing how messy the kitchen was. Dishes piled high. The last step involved bread and turns out I was suppose to make tiny sandwiches. I just put them in with the rest of the dish which I didn’t recognize and told the woman I wasn’t going to bother making sandwiches.

Then I was in my old bedroom trying to get school clothing on Elek. I went into a walk-in closest that isn’t there in real life and it was full of my daughter’s old sweaters and clothing. I remember yelling at her to get out and being frustrated because I couldn’t find any of Elek’s clothes. Then someone came into the room and dumped a whole load of folded clothing on the floor. It looked like clothes from years ago – my old clothes and others from the house – but not Elek’s

I ended up back in the main living/kitchen area and had a vacuum. I began to vacuum the floor and the vacuum was very strong to the point I was worried it would pull the carpet into it but it never did.

As I vacuumed I went into my Mom’s master bedroom but when I went into the closet it opened up into a bedroom I had never seen before. The entry floor was paved in red brick and the rest was carpet. The bed seemed to be in the floor, carpet right up against it but some areas had ripped. I vacuumed and picked up all kinds of dirt and debris and soon realized there were sticks and twigs, leaves and other outdoor debris in the room. I saw the room was lined with tall trees that were colored in Fall foliage and losing leaves. I continued to vacuum up as much as I could but realized it was a losing battle.

My Mom was there and I suggested she let my sister live in the room. I remember asking her why she never used the room, why she never told us it was there, and how nice it could be to fix it up and use it again. There were a couple of doors leading out of the room so I went up to one and asked what was inside. My Mom said it was a bathroom and I was shocked and thrilled. She asked, “Haven’t you been here before?” I said, “No! I didn’t know this was here.” I opened the door and saw it led into a darkly lit corridor. I was thrilled and went in but the corridor went back to the room I was familiar with and the attached bathroom. The corridor had a mirror in it and some nice furnishings but it was quite dimly lit and hard to see. The whole room turned dim like that during this part of the dream.

I turned back and began to leave the bedroom. A man was there but I can’t recall his face or who he was, though I seemed to know him. I recall looking at the red bricks as I exited. The main thought with me as I left was, “Master Bedroom”, specifically, ” This is the Master”.

Dream: Graduate 

The next thing I recall is being inside a tiny car. It was not a normal car but more like a suit I wore around me that provided me with swift speed and was controlled with my mind. I remember it as a clear, see-through bubble with wheels that wrapped around me snugly and provided a soft protective cover that was also very strong like steel.

I was traveling very slowly with others along a path that paralleled a parking lot. As I looked at the parking lot I remembered being there before but the lot was covered in snow and the road was icy and difficult to traverse. The parking lot had painted X’s on it around the barricades. In my memory I had traveled the same path but the snow had obscured the lines on the lot.

I then came to a narrow opening with a flight of stairs that headed down a corridor. As I entered it was very tight inside as I floated down the corridor. I looked around at who was with me and they were strangers most of which were wearing bubbles around their faces like masks. They appeared nervous to be close and were in a hurry to get out of the corridor.

At the bottom the room opened up into a lobby type area and the people with me scooted off quickly. One woman had a proboscis type straw coming out of the mask she wore and pushed past me to get to the coffee provided to guests. The lobby was encased in glass or plastic as if a decontamination zone but people could come and go freely. I watched as the woman and her friend went to a table to select coffee and saw the various bags and types available. I didn’t want coffee, though, as I seemed to be headed (I somehow knew my destination) to a registration booth.

At the booth I saw a woman hand over a form she had just signed and the woman at the booth gave her instructions on the schedule. She congratulated her and then looked in my direction pushing the lined paper to me to sign my name. I paused for a bit, forgetting my name, and then wrote my last name and then first name. She read my name back to me, welcoming me, as I finished writing it and began to explain the schedule when we were interrupted by a couple of men. She turned and grabbed a very large object made of precious metals and gems and handed it to the man. She congratulated him for becoming a “Master”. I thought he must have graduated with a Master’s degree and she was giving him a ring but it looked more like a sheath for his entire left arm. She then handed one to another man who I spoke to briefly but I can’t remember what he told me. I think I was jealous of his accomplishment and he told me it was no big deal as he thanked me.

After the men left the registrar gave me the schedule, once again congratulating me but this time calling me a “graduate”. She then said, “Don’t be surprised if they imposed some fees” but for what I can’t recall. I remember knowing the fees would be minimal, like $8. I also knew the location of this dream was Montana.

Interpretation

When I woke up a song was on my mind – “Don’t stop me now…..200 degrees that’s why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit. I’m traveling at the speed of light.” At the same time the fact that “Master” was part of both dreams was not lost to me. I realize that the house I built on family land had almost the same layout as my Mom’s house which is likely not a coincidence. Thankfully my current house is nothing like either.

The first dreams seem to be a modge podge of subconscious reflection. The preparation of food has to do with sustenance or how I feed myself – Ego, Spirit, both? I follow the directions but find it tedious and much longer than I anticipated so in the end I opted to not make the sandwiches so I reject some stressful situation that “sandwiches” me or makes me feel stuck. The dirty dishes are the things that are bothering me – messes that need cleaning up.

The clothing dream is an anxiety type dream having to do with my children who are a part of me, an aspect, and how these aspects look to others. Clothing is one’s outward appearance. I can’t find clothes. The closet is full of my daughter’s old sweaters (protection) and I get angry at her for it and tell her to get out (aspect of self getting in the way?). I end up with a pile of old, folded clothing from years past on the floor of my bedroom (private self). The overall feeling here is frustration. All I wanted was pants and a shirt for my son (masculine aspect that is still growing up).

The vacuum dream is about finally deciding to deal with issues/problems. I end up in a Master bedroom I didn’t know existed – so probably a hidden aspect of self that has been hidden from me. The red brick floor has to do with passion, inner fire and romance. Since it is as the entrance it may be symbolic of having to go through such emotions to get deeper. The room itself has a bed sunk into the floor with torn carpet. Carpet is my rejection of those things that are unpleasant. Since it is around the bed it may indicate these emotions are very private, maybe forgotten. There is debris being sucked up so I am attempting to clean but it never gets clear. There are trees losing leaves. The Fall colors indicate something going dormant or could relate to a time of year. The leaves are disappointments, failures and sorrow.

Curious about the room I find doors that lead to known master bedroom and not a bathroom like I had hoped. So this indicates that cleansing and healing are connected to the room I am aware of but also to the one I am not. The lights dimming indicate a loss of conscious awareness but not completely. My suggesting my sister live in the room indicates that she, too, has a connection to this lost private aspect. So maybe something from my youth?

The graduate dream takes me back to a place I have been before in other dreams. In the past the road (path) and parking lot (delays) was covered in snow, so dormant and with little to no emotion and very slow movement. The bubble was protection and feeling safe on the route. The stairs and corridor are movement to another level. The coffee is awareness. The registration for graduation is my recognition of completing a level but not mastering something yet. The Master receives a ornate arm sleeve for the left arm so perhaps this is regarding the masculine and I have yet to master the masculine? Montana is spirituality or a spiritual journey. I want to be a Master and am told it is no big deal. The strange masks and such are likely to do with the Corona Virus. Maybe it was one test of many relating to this graduation? I have graduated many times in my dreams and tests and preparation are very much part of the process. The “fees” are that graduating comes at a cost, but not a big one.

I feel really good this morning and am so grateful for the much needed sleep which I haven’t had much of for weeks now. I will leave you with the song that was on my mind as I woke. Maybe it will make you smile like it did me.

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Some Things to Remember

It is easy to Forget who we Are in times like these. So much distraction. So much conflict, fear, upset, and worry to put our overactive minds into overdrive if we so allow it. Below are some simple reminders to help pull you out of your mind and back into your heart and Self.

Life is but a game and we are all actors playing our roles in it. The role you play is one you agreed to play but this lifetime’s personality is but a drop in the ocean of what comprises You.

Every person you meet is a reflection of You (meaning that You that is much bigger than the tiny portion that is your personality and character in this lifetime).

Belief is key. What you believe becomes your reality. Or to put it another way – your beliefs limit and shape your reality and experiences. Shared beliefs create shared realities. We gravitate towards those who share our beliefs and thus have similar realities to our own.

Doubt destroys conviction, limits ones power and reinforces Forgetfulness. Doubt is a byproduct of fear.

Fear is not native to Spirit (US). Fear exists in the finite and is a byproduct of duality (good/bad, life/death).

What you resist, persists.

You are not alone.

You are Love(d).

This, too, shall pass.

The only constant is change.

To err is human. Be kind to yourself. Forgiveness is key.

Experience is a teacher. Learn from it.

There are no mistakes, only choices.

Follow the 8 Winds.  “Worthy persons deserve to be called so because they are not carried away by the eight winds: prosperity, decline, disgrace, honor, praise, censure, suffering, and pleasure. They are neither elated by prosperity nor grieved by decline.”

That which we most fear is our greatest lesson.

There are so many more but these are the ones that comes to me now. Please feel free to add any you can think of in the comments. Namaste.

 

 

 

 

 

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Message: Quality Over Quantity

For over a week I have had trouble sleeping. Mostly I struggle to fall asleep but I also tend to wake frequently which decreases the quality of sleep by quite a bit. As a result, I am not recalling my dreams and those dreams I do recall are odd and don’t make much sense. There are a few, however, that seem to be indicators of what is going on under the surface, deep in my subconscious.

Dream – May 16th

I was sitting inside a truck (hard work) as if waiting to leave when a guy showed up and stood by the truck. He insisted that I get into a car instead. I felt irritated by the man’s pushy behavior but did what he asked. Before I could get into the car (life path) it began to drive on its own (feeling not in control of life). It sped up and crushed the man underneath, ripping his skin off in places. The man was yelling in pain as the car rolled forward and backward over top of him. When the car stopped, the man was pinned underneath yelling in pain. Suddenly, a random dog (protection, fidelity) came around and began to pull aggressively on his toes, ripping into his flesh. I yelled at the dog to stop but it wouldn’t. The sight of the whole thing was gruesome – the car sitting on top of the man, ripped flesh with blood oozing out and a dog trying to eat the man’s foot all while he was still alive and suffering.

The dream was very short and horrific enough to wake me up. I suspect it symbolically represents my feelings and fears in regards to how I react to being pressured to do things. It also seems to refer to the masculine as something I resent and want to destroy.

Dream: May 20th

I had odd dreams and some I recall. In one I was visiting a house in Montana that looked like where my ex in-laws use to live. I remember mostly asking a man if he would consider splitting the cost of the house with me so I could live there in the summers.

There was a longer dream I remember. I was in my Mom’s kitchen talking with someone. A short, blonde man was visiting and he asked whether I had ever been a runner and if I would consider going on a run with him. I told him that I once ran a half marathon, so yes I could run with him, but the run would have to be short. I also told him I ran slow. I

Then I was inside another house with many other people. When I arrived the place felt foreign and I knew no one there. My bed was the top bunk of a bunk bed and I had to climb some flimsy netting stuff to get to it, eventually using the side of the bunk that was against the wall to climb into the top because the sides were too narrow to crawl through. When I climbed into the bed the navy blanket had large spiky burrs on it that had spines like prickly pears do. I began to try and pull them out but there were so many that I mentioned it to the people below. Even the pillows had burrs on them. So I tossed the pillows to the foot of the bed and moved the blanket so that I would not be stuck by the burrs. Then a black cat came up onto the bed and began to try and rub up against me. It, too, had the burrs on it so I shooed it away.

The last thing I remember about the dream is looking at the wall as I lay there feeling very alone and missing my husband. I was thinking how nice it would be to have him around to help me feel more at ease and at home where I was. This is when I heard someone say to me the words “quality” and “quantity”. I remember it as “Quantity over Quality” but it could have been the opposite, not sure.

When I woke the song, “Send me an angel….right now” was going through my head along with the concept of choosing quantity over quality.

I understand the message to be about my choices in this life. I recall that after my divorce I missed the security marriage provided and I missed the companionship and friendship of my ex. I didn’t want to be married to him again nor did I miss him as a lover or have heartache over the loss of him, I just missed the convenience of it – having plenty of money, being able to relax and not have to work or feel that dread of working and working just to survive, and the convenience of having someone to do things with and with whom I could be myself.

I don’t know what to think of the dream really. Symbolically the bunk bed means I have trouble expressing my needs and desires within a romantic relationship. The burrs represent minor annoyances and irritations that I choose to overlook. Because they are on the bed spread they indicate annoyances that I am trying to hide or cover up. I forgot to mention that the entire bunk bed scene was very dark and it was hard to see which means I am not able to see or recognize something in waking life. It could also be I am trying not to see and avoiding something. The black cat is my intuition. It also has burrs which indicate something annoying or uncomfortable about my intuition. I push it away meaning I am not wanting to listen to my intuition.

Quality over Quantity

The message about choosing quality over quantity stuck with me and I pondered it for a while. I analyzed my choices in life. When did I choose quality and when did I choose quantity? What does “quality” mean to me?

Immediately I knew that in regards to career I had chosen quality over quantity. I left teaching and counseling which provided security in the form of a good paycheck in favor of a job that paid much less but was low stress and gave me the ability to work from home.

Also, with my previous marriage, I had held on for a long while because of the “quantity” of things if offered me (convenience, security, money)  but the “quality” of my existence began to suffer so much that I ultimately chose to – had to – leave for my own sanity.

In another memory I went back to middle school when the desire to fit in often led me to difficult lessons. I had won the friendship of the most popular girl, which was a big win for me. However, the girl desired me only because she thought my family “rich” (lol we weren’t) and was constantly trying to get me to buy things for her, which I did. She also used me for my “brains” and often asked me for the answers to questions on assignments and tests. At some point I recognized that the cost of being her friend was my own self-respect and that, in the end, the quality of her friendship was very poor and not worth the sacrifice. Sure I gained her friendship and the following of all her “minions” (quantity) but it was not worth it. So, one day when she was asking me to provide her with answers to a test, I loudly called her out in front of the whole class, effectively severing my friendship with her and creating a long-term enemy in the process. I do not regret the decision, however, and would do it again in a heartbeat.

Ultimately, “quality” to me tends to win out even though I often take a long while to make the choice.

Not long after this dream there was a post on FB that caught my attention:

“Why has it become so important to us to prolong life, over HOW we are living, and to postpone death rather than ask how we are dying.”

—Charles Eisenstein

There was an entire discussion below the quote and in one comment someone mentioned “Quality over quantity” and I thought, “Ah – there is it again!” In this instance the message was about quality of life over quantity (in years) of life and how so many people cling to life, fearing death, but do not live a quality life because fear stops them in their tracks. This specific post was about Covid-19, but my take on it was that I was being asked by my guidance to consider the quality of the life I now live.

Headless Bird

An interesting symbol presented itself early in the week. I found an adolescent bird – a dove – dead in my front yard. When I went to inspect it I saw that it had no head but was otherwise in perfect shape. It stood out to me as a symbol but of what I wasn’t sure.

Then this morning a friend posted on FB that she found two headless birds in her yard. I remembered my own experience and again thought, “There it is”, but what does it even mean?

Birds in general equal freedom, possibility and transition. In this case, the bird was a dove. Doves are typical symbols of love, peace and partnership while also acting as messengers. To find the dove dead and headless seems to indicate that I am effectively chopping the head off of the messenger, a messenger who brings peace, love and possibility.

In the Dark

Despite all the above messages, when I look inward all is quiet and the answers are not forthcoming. I feel cut off from my guidance and without significant dream activity I am left wondering if the answers will be forthcoming. All is pointing to me not wanting to “see”, but when I attempt to see I find myself “blind” and cut off from mySelf.

The past continues to return to me, asking me to look back on where I’ve been. When I visit this past it feels not to be me, but some other version who is no more. For example, I watched a video taken after the birth of my first child. In seeing myself I thought, “Who is that?” I remembered those days but the connection to who I once was, was gone.

In some instances I feel on the verge of another transition and stage in my life. I wonder, will I look back on this other me ten years from now and have that same feeling? Will I see that me as a complete stranger?

Ultimately, I think these experiences of not knowing or connecting with my past self are a common one, even among those who are still “asleep”. My mother speaks of having this experience, also, and how as she grows older she steps out of one version of herself into a new, better – wiser – one.

Honestly, I don’t feel ready to transition. Maybe that is why my dreams are “dark” and the symbolism indicates I wish not to “see” and am ignoring my intuition? Currently, rather than kick myself for not being able to force myself to “see” what I am avoiding, I am just going to go with it and allow it to be. Knowing now my Self (Higher) and self (lower) and how different (and at odds) they can be, I also know that my Self usually has to wait for my self before change can happen.

 

 

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Mother’s Day Musings

It’s Mother’s Day and I am feeling affected but not sure exactly how. I am in a somber mood but also a pensive one. I’m not sad but I’m not happy. I’m contemplative but zoned out.

This morning I recalled how the other day, when not in present time, my mind wandering to other things – most of which were me feeling angry about the unfairness of certain things in the world, things I cannot change or effect directly – I spilled scalding hot water all over my hand. Brought immediately to present time by the event, I made sure to hold the cup until I could place it on a solid surface despite the automatic impulse to drop it and tend to the horrific burning sensation that was quickly spreading across my arm. Putting the cup down, I did not immediately tend to my burns but instead continued making my cup of tea. Once I completed the task at hand I put my hand under cool water and surveyed the damage. While my hand and arm seemed okay, the burning sensation had not abated despite the cold water.

After many minutes of feeling the burning sensation come and go in waves I recognized the pain was something I needed not avoid. In fact, the avoidance of the pain extended and even intensified it. So I sat motionless and focused on the pain, allowing it to exist and knowing it would pass and had something to teach me. Yes it was uncomfortable but in focusing on the pain I noticed it was not as bad as it seemed. I became curious about it even, noting the unique way my body registered the pain – the prickling hot sensation, the spreading and then abating as if my nerves were trying to decide whether a threat existed.

As expected the pain eventually subsided and I was left only with a sensitive area on my hand that felt similar to a sunburn. I rubbed some aloe on it and was able to fall asleep but not before recalling how my mom once told me of her own boiling hot water incident when she was pregnant. She had been making spaghetti and somehow tipped the entire pot of boiling water all over herself. In her case, she had not just burned her hand like me but a very large portion of her body. She had to lay in a tub of cold water just to bear the pain of it.

I wonder now if I had been the child inside her tummy at that time? Why did the memory of my mother’s story come to me so vividly when I had heard the story so very long ago, when I myself was still a child? Could this be a reminder that we are all connected? That one person’s experience can be recalled by another – re-experienced even – and sympathized with?

But this morning as I recall my own experience and tie it into my own’s mother’s, I am grateful for what it taught me. Pain is not something to avoid. Pain teaches. In fact, it is our greatest teacher if only we would stop and listen to it rather than pushing it away, denying and avoiding it.

Similarly, the pain of the world is also our teacher. When our hearts ache in response to the atrocities that exist in this world we should embrace the ache, hug it close to use even, as it is a reminder of our humanity as well as our deep connection to one another. It is not our purpose in these bodies to eliminate pain. On the contrary, it is to embrace it and let it teach us what we otherwise would not know. We come here, hearts completely open, knowing the pain we will encounter, willing to experience it so it can transform us. We do not come here to vanquish pain or those who appear to be the source of it. No. Our job is to transmute the pain into the Love that we are. For Love knows not the difference between “bad” and “good”, it is acceptance regardless of intent.

I am reminded of how how my own heart, open so wide as to let in the entirety of human existence in a moment, was so overpowering that I fell to my knees and pleaded for God to take it all away. Tears spontaneously poured from my eyes from the beauty and my heart ached from the simultaneous pain. How could I be both happy and grieving at the same time? How could so many contradictory emotions exist altogether as if one and the same?

And a silent voice inside me answers – Because they are One.

Happy Mother’s Day. May you embrace the Love that you are.