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The Burden is Real

If I had to describe the last couple of days I would describe them as weird. Different. I don’t know if that even suffices but it will have to do.

I am still struggling to fall asleep. Then, when I do sleep, I sleep really deep and wake up feeling like I have been drugged. I linger in bed sometimes for an hour going in and out of the in-between. My body feels like it needs months of sleep right now to catch up but I have done plenty of catching up already. Even now, three hours after waking, my eyes are heavy and all I want to do is curl up in bed.

My dreams are barely memorable. I have been doing some traveling that is for sure. Two nights ago I was with a FB friend traveling through the UK (renewal) searching for her male friend. Last night I was traveling to Mexico (preservation of tradition, family, faith and culture) but forgot my bag so we had to turn back early on, delaying us by 10 hours.

Yesterday, prior to bed and upon waking there was a male presence attending to me. The feeling from him was that he wanted my attention, that he wanted me to look at something I did not want to look at. Memories came to me as I tried to ignore him, memories that incited deep emotion and regret. When I woke I had some intense realizations that I couldn’t shake.

When I got on FB to check if there was anything interesting going on I saw my own post two years ago. I posted a request for prayers because my husband and I were having marriage issues. It got over 20 comments of support.

The post hit me hard and echoed the “wake up call” I had just received. Not only that, but in attempt to avoid the FB memory I wandered into WordPress to read recent posts and saw something that further supported the feeling/Knowing I woke with.

Without going into too much detail, I will say this: my realization centers around taking responsibility and acknowledging the truth about something I am “guilty” of doing, something I have done previously and something I will likely continue to do if I pretend it is not there. Not only is this something not in line with my Truth but I have justified it to the point that I believe it not to be wrong, that I believe myself not guilty of trespassing upon myself. Ha! That is the perfect word – trespass. And in trespassing upon myself, I trespass upon those I love.

And all of it the result of fear, making decisions from a place of fear. It takes a lot of courage to just admit that, but the real courage is making decisions and acting up them from a place of love. That is the hard part because when fear has been the motivator all along, acting from a place of love can seem downright idiotic and scary. Like, “What the hell are you thinking?” scary.

Love here is more than just love of Self. It is love for others as well. And it is standing for what is right and ethical even if it means unwanted or uncomfortable change.

To make a long story short, I am saying to myself, “Shame on you!”

I am still not 100% clear about what all this means but I do know that I am ready to take responsibility for my actions and live my Truth rather than perpetuate a lie for the sake of preserving an echo of what was. It is hard to know, really, what that Truth is after so many years of pretense. What is true to me and what isn’t? I am not sure anymore. All I know is what I feel and I guess that has to be good enough. At least I am feeling something. For so many years I was just numb.

Libra Retrograde

I wrote the above portion of this post yesterday and then abandoned it. I was really feel weird….off…..out of it and needed to get myself straight before finishing it. I decided to go shopping alone to try and shake off the feeling. Sadly, it only got worse. I ended up walking down the isles of a clothing store pointlessly. I bought my daughter a sweater and headed toward the car. As I stepped out the door I was hit with a really strong inner “push” and knew what I needed to do. In that moment I felt a bit lost, like a child who just realized they have been separated from their mother. It sucked.

When I got in the car I wanted to cry but couldn’t. Internally I felt hollow, like someone had come in and scooped out everything and I was just waiting to be filled up again.

After grocery shopping, and very slowly I at that, I came home and the feeling persisted. I stumbled across another astrology blog post and more clarity was provided. The warnings I have been receiving about the end of this year were spelled out in the stars.

The first thing I noticed was Libra retrograde, which just happened a few days ago. In fact, the weirdness I have been feeling matched up almost perfectly. I’m thinking now, “Come on Universe, wtf gives? What is with all these damn retrograding planets!!??” But then I know this has been going on all my life so it is not just a planet doing all this. There is something much bigger at work and it just so happens the planets reflect all that.

So it looks like right now’s the time to look within and really be honest with myself (sigh). That is exactly what I woke up knowing yesterday and the entire day seemed to pummel me with “reality”. It is suggested in the post linked above that I do some writing about the people in my life and how I am helping/hindering them and vice versa. I need to really look at what is there without pretending it is something else.

The rest of this year is gonna be a challenge, too. 😦

Signs and Dreams 

When I got home from grocery shopping, my kids helped me unload the car and my daughter nearly stepped on this:

wolf spider

When I saw this spider I was immediately fascinated by it. It was so big! When I got closer to take a pic I realized her abdomen was covered in tiny babies! Amazing!

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Fascinated, I watched her it for a while. It is a female Wolf spider. They are common around here. They are venomous and known to bite, so I just observed her for a while and left her alone.

I knew this spider was a message. Turns out Wolf spiders do not spin webs. They stalk their prey like tarantulas. So no surprise that their primary gift and message is timing. Their message is to wait for the perfect time before taking action. They remind us that all we desire in life is coming to fruition but we must step back and allow it to take hold in a solid foundation.

Moving too soon will undermine all my hard work. I have to wait and will Know when the time is right to take action. OMG I am so tired of getting this message!! But I really, really love this spider. Isn’t she beautiful? And how she tends to her young, keeping them on her back until they are strong enough to survive on their own….that is a message in and of itself.

Last night at bedtime my heart was sore and I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I know there are contracts that need to be concluded but I am not the only one involved and though I feel ready to act I cannot until there is agreement/readiness from all. There is this stuckedness that I feel that bothers me. I try to accept it and surrender but the impatience surfaces time and time again. I can see the possibility in front of me but I cannot get to it yet. It tends to make me apathetic. I can see the finish line but am walking in place, as if on a treadmill, no closer to the end than I was ten years ago.

I was asked if I wanted to continue my healing work and I agreed. I also reaffirmed past intentions, intentions I have had for a very long time now.

Dream: Mansion

My dreams were strange. In one I was in a mansion (current relationship is in a rut), one I have visited before in my dreams – dark wood paneling and grand furnishings. My husband’s aunt, who lives in Georgia, had invited us to her home (which is like a mansion, they are millionaires). She bought up all his paintings (intuition, need for self-expression) and then auctioned one of them off for $35,000! We were asked to move there and I told her that the house was too big, that it didn’t make sense to me to be so separated from my children.

Then I walked up to a lever that was used to lock (ability to get what I want) and unlock the front door. I wound it and then clicked it in place. The door unlocked and I felt very satisfied, almost giddy.

Then I was at a party and there were people (need to enjoy myself) everywhere drinking and mingling. I remember trying to find my husband and being told where he went. I walked outside to get him and to my right was a group of children playing miniature golf (indulgences). A woman had come with me and asked if I wanted to play. I said no when I saw the golf clubs had basketballs (teamwork is needed) on the ends that rolled and made it very hard to direct the golf ball.

I located my husband passed out in a booth with several other grown men (loss of awareness). He had gotten really drunk (seeking escape from some situation). Two women were playing a card game (ability to strategize) at the table. I was invited to play and watched very carefully to see what the game was. I did not recognize it. I could see the card’s numbers and suites but they were not normal playing cards. The woman asked if I knew how to play and I told her I did not. She laughed and said it was easy to learn. The last thing I recall is seeing the deck of cards with their numbers added up – 9 + 3 = 12.

Dream: Old Rugged Cross

Then the dream shifted and I was inside a room with my husband’s aunt and a group of others. It felt like we were in a chapel (things I hold sacred) with the same dark wood paneling as the mansion. There was a little girl with us, she looked like I did as a child (my inner child). The discussion was about a pair of flip flops with My Little Pony on them. It shifted into talking about the toy ponies. I remembered my childhood and how much I loved My Little Pony and told my aunt that I had a pair of flip flops (ability to relax, unable to make a decision) that had the ponies (unexplored, undisciplined aspect of self) on them that I use to look at in school and daydream (excessively worried about a situation) about. I explained that I would finish my assignments before everyone else and often got bored so daydreaming (seeking escape) was my way of passing time. The memories made me happy.

Then someone began to sing a familiar hymn. When I recognized it, I sang along. My heart lifted as I sang and I could hear my voice within the dream. I knew the lyrics by memory and the part, “I will cling to the old rugged cross, and exchange it some day for a crown….” woke me up.

Music Messages

When I woke I was feeling down and hopeless. I wondered, “Why do I keep hearing this song in my dreams!?” Then I realized it was because it feels as if I am carrying a cross on my back, a burden that is mine alone to bear. It felt so unfair yet at the same time it seemed like my duty. I know that anyone who knows me would not believe I was carrying a burden. But I am. Every day, all day. Some days I don’t know how I manage, but somehow I do. The song promises that one day I will be rewarded but the wait and the burden seems unbearable at times.

The messages from the previous day indicated that I needed to wait as well. Despite knowing what needs to be done I also know it may be a while before I will be able to act. I see what I want but have a rope tied around my waist and am being pulled back.

Another song came to mind as I lingered in the in-between going over my dreams, their messages and my Knowing. The specific part that I heard was, “I can’t take this place. I just wanna go where I can get some space….”

 

 

 

 

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Eros, Psyche and Sappho

Right after I wrote my last post about receiving the date of October 27th, I happened upon an astrology blog post that listed the astrological events for the rest of the year. And guess what? October 27th made the list.

It said, “Sappho station at 27 Gemini”.

Of course, that meant absolutely nothing to me. lol So I went digging, Googling Sappho and ran into Eros and Psyche along the way.

I got a bit distracted by Eros and Psyche. Pretty interesting stuff.

Here is the first site I found: Eros, Psyche and Sappho Sign Table. Problem is, I never found the Sappho table. Sure wish I could find it…. I think they accidentally wrote “Sappho” in the page address because the actual title of the page reads, “Eros and Psyche Sign Tables”.

Eros = God of erotic love (I like him already).
Psyche = Goddess of the Soul.

Knowledge of their positions by sign can give us insight into how individuals express their erotic and romantic impulses, and the type of sexual and romantic chemistry that is generated between two people.

That hooked me. I had to look up the sign Eros and Psyche was in when I was born…and then I had to look up the signs of my husband….and then someone else…well you get the idea. lol

Results

Drumroll…….

Eros = Gemini
Psyche = Leo (I’m awesome)

So Ero in Gemini has these characteristics which ALL describe me and I laughed out loud when I read them:

They can be turned on by spoken and written words (didn’t know this until recently).
They tend to talk during sex (well now you know). 
It’s hard to turn off their minds and let go when having sex (sad but true).

I couldn’t find what Psyche in Leo is like. I suspect it somewhere along the lines of selfish and egotistical but also very expressive and caring. Since my sun is in Leo I know how all that goes.

My husband is:

Eros= Aries
Psyche = Cancer

Eros in Aries – These people instinctively and quickly become infatuated. Their sexual attractions are formed quickly and they get off on the sensations of the moment in an intense manner. These lovers may seem a little erratic to others, simply because their passions rise and fall so quickly. They are not as giving and emotional in their sexual expression, but they are passionate while it lasts. Eros in Aries people are attached to the sensations of the moment and may see their partner as an object, or an extension of themselves. They often prefer to do the pursuing in relationships and may be addicted to the conquest. Source

Not saying anything about this except, “Yep.” He may disagree, though (likely).

There is a cool Love Sign Compatibility Grid where you use the Eros and Psyche signs to find out your compatibility with your partner. When I used it for me and my husband I got the colors beige and magenta (depending on whose Eros and Psyche I use). Beige is not understanding each other’s love styles. Magenta is HOT. So maybe we are hot and cold depending on our mood, which seems about right, too.

I did other partner’s I’ve had but I’ll save you from that one. It was just for fun and spot on just the same. One particular one was double Magenta. Sigh.

Anyway, see why I got distracted? Back on track……I was looking for Sappho….

I finally looked up where Sappho is in my chart and found it is at 24 Aries 58′ 39″. Not sure what that means entirely but at least I found it.

All this because of the October 27th date coming up in my dream. What do I make of it? Well, if Sappho is the astrological event of that day, maybe the message is related to love? I can’t be sure but I am hoping it is not related to the lesbian theme popping up in my life of late. Ha! If so, jokes on me I guess….again.

 

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Dream: October 27th

I’m exhausted today despite a full night’s sleep. Whatever is going on energy-wise is kicking my butt just a little bit (tiny bit :)) right now. I had a headache yesterday and woke with one this morning as well. I am experiencing a mental state that is a little odd. It’s kind of like brain fog I guess. I’m not forgetful, I just don’t have the energy to give a shit. lol

I’m still feeling urged to be social and so I have been more than usual. Twice this week I’ve met up with my new workout buddy. It’s fun for me because I get to use my NASM personal trainer certificate to help someone other than myself reach their personal fitness goals. The first workout I visited her gym with her and I made up a full-body circuit right on the spot. I worked out alongside her but kept my weight low and slowed my pace quite a bit because she was trying to keep up with me. After two circuits I could tell she was done but she was super psyched about it and wanted to meet the next day. I suggested a two day rest.

We met at my house last night and she brought her daughter over so she could hang out with my daughter (they’re best friends). She was at my house from 6:30-9pm. The workout was only 45 minutes of that. Again I created a workout on the spot (easy for me). I went slower than I normally would but it was fun to help her. Afterward I helped her determine her body fat percentage and calculate her calories while answering all her questions (she had a lot).

She is very talkative, thus the extended visit. I learned a lot about her – she’s a decade younger than me, a Scorpio (and likes astrology), and she is trying to go back to school to finish her bachelor’s degree is accounting. I sense from her a desire to hang out with me much more than a workout buddy. Though I do not feel resistant to that, I can tell that if I let her, she could end up making me feel a bit smothered because she is so lonely. 😦

By the end of the visit I was more exhausted than normal. This is not unusual for me when I hang out with people. It feels like I am sucked dry of energy after prolonged social interaction. Yet I was very patient and attentive with her and have no plans to stop working out with her. This reaction is strange to me because usually a night last night would have me purposefully avoiding the person afterward. I’m not quite sure what, if anything, this means, but I feel like I need to do what I am doing. This is not something I am doing for me anyway.

Dream: October 27th

I woke suddenly from a dream this morning. It left me with a feeling that something big is on the horizon – big as in ascension-related. “One giant leap for mankind” comes to mind when I think of how I felt upon waking.

one small step for mankind quote

The dream began with me surrounded by family. I recognized them in the dream but I cannot place any of them now. I had given birth to a fourth child, a son (OMG lol) and was talking to my husband about how disappointed I was that he was an Earth sign. He was born on October 27th so that is Scorpio. Not sure why I was saying he was an Earth sign. I remember saying I wished he was a Libra and being reminded that one of my sons is an Aries. It was like I had forgotten my youngest and when I remembered him I was very pleased, thinking it was good that there was another Fire sign in the family.

The baby (new beginnings) was being held and passed around as we talked about him. I remember the baby talking to me, too, but can’t remember what he said now. He was very animated and walking around (potential and possibility await) despite being a baby. There are flashes of the calendar here. I kept seeing October 27th and a part of me was confused because I knew the date was in the future yet we spoke as if it were in the past.

Then I was inside a room that looked like a cross between an office and a classroom. There were tall bookshelves, school supplies, posters and equipment in the room. I was sitting at a table next to a student who I knew was special needs. Next to us at the end of the table was another student, also special needs. In an adjacent room I could see yet another student sitting at a table watching a screen.

I got up to talk to the student in the other room. He was staring at a computer screen. I was very friendly to him and learned that he was doing his assignment, though I don’t know the nature of it. I mainly recall that these students were all “special” and that others did not recognize just how special they were. They had hidden abilities. In the dream I thought of them as having Asperger’s and similar types of disabilities.

Two other workers were in the room with me. Sometimes I felt to be a student there but mostly I felt to be an employee. I remember doing a test as a student. I only recall now that I created objects in a screen in front of me, like a projection. I was creating a church (sacredness and spiritual nourishment) and made it too big and so changed it with the thought, “No, smaller”. I remember being aware of dreaming at this time, but for some reason I did not wake up.

At one point in the dream I was in the classroom and suddenly realized that the two other workers had degrees in social work and were facilitators of some kind of long-term scientific study. I remember talking to them about it, saying, “I am so glad I took this job!” I was impressed and wanted very much to stay but felt under qualified because I did not have a degree in social work (maybe literally means my social work). One of the other two workers pointed at me and said I had been chosen for the job and I was very honored.

The dream is blurry here but the feelings I had in it are not. The feeling was very big, like something important, and I remember both being told about and feeling this energy that started in my chest and spread outward in all directions. There is also memory of being told that one test had completed and another was soon to begin. The test that completed had lasted only a few weeks but the next one would be longer. Again, October 27th came up.

Considerations

Prior to bed I had felt a presence but I had been so tired that I didn’t pay it much attention. This presence asked me if I was ready to deal with something that needed handling. I began to feel emotional at one point, realizing that I needed to finish something left incomplete. I believe this unfinished business is related to 2015-2016.

Regardless, it seems the end of the month may be when things start to shift. We’ll see I guess. To my astrologer friends, if you know of any significance to the end of the month, fill me in. 😉

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Dream: Hurricane-Tornado

Well, sleep took a little longer last night. 😦

I keep intercepting messages in the in-between about my “chest” both in dreams and the in-between. Last night, I was talking to someone and I kept feeling like an energy would come into my chest from behind and seemingly “take over”. It concerned me and I kept waking up startled. I was reminded of recent Kundalini events where I experienced something like this in my chest, rising up into my head. I felt a distinct shift as I disengaged and another energy took over. I have also felt an energy come in through the back of my neck and then shoot up through my crown resulting in a similar expansion and/or feeling of release to another.

Dream: Hurricane-Tornado

My partner and I traveled to a small town to visit his family. It felt like I was meeting them for the first time. The town was very small, like a hundred people total. We met up with a man and I was introduced. He did not seem to like me much. It felt like he was just cautious of new people in general.

The rest of the family invited me inside their renovated house (self). They had built a second floor on top of the old family home. It resembled the insides of a bus (going with the crowd), very long with a rounded ceiling and small windows. The walls were covered in paneling that reminded me of a mobile home. It seemed like the family was very poor. They were proud of their accomplishments mentioning how they had lived far too long in poor conditions and were happy to finally have the ability to improve things.

I visited the first floor (old self). It was abandoned and everything was covered in dust and cobwebs (unfinished business or repressed emotion). I didn’t stay there long and joined the others upstairs. One of the daughters in the family got a bedroom on the third floor (new aspect being formed) that was not yet complete. I saw the stairs leading up but did not follow others who went up to see it.

While the others were talking I looked out the window. In the distance I noticed a very strange cloud formation. It was swirling and lightning was coming out of it. The lightning was not normal, though. It seemed to pulsate making the cloud look alive. I pointed out the cloud to the family mentioning to the daughter that it seemed like what I had told her was coming true. I told the others about how I had seen this “hurricane” (unexpected, rapid change or pressure to do something unwanted) in a vision and they should all prepare. No one believed me, not even the daughter and she was pregnant (new beginnings)! I urged them to go downstairs to the lower floor to take cover because I knew the hurricane could destroy the upper floor. They all just smiled pointing out the sunny skies around us.

Frustrated, I left and ran back up the road leading into town. I don’t remember for sure but I think I took a bus, but can’t specifically recall one. About a mile up the road I noticed the sky around me was blue and sunny but I could still see the storm looming (attempting to be the observer, to see things from the outside).

A woman passed by with her daughter heading toward town. As they stopped to check to see if I needed assistance a piece of long, copper plumbing pipe (open and receptive to new ideas) passed by on the road. It was like the road was a river (emotion). The woman told the girl, “Grab that pipe!” I inquired about it and she said, “Oh they are all over the place around here.” It felt like they would collect it and sell it.

I headed back to town, worried about the people there. When I arrived the storm was closer and they were starting to worry. I urged them to go to the first floor. I ran to the first floor to hide and for some reason put on a pair of old, dusty house slippers (domesticity, relaxation) that I knew were mine. I had to empty out the dirt and debris before I put them on. Next to my slippers a was a larger pair. Then I went back up again to try and get everyone to follow me. No one did.

Then the storm hit and I could feel the entire top floor lift up and detach. We began to roll and I saw everything turning upside down. We rolled a few times and I somehow got out (able to detach from situation) and saw it from the outside. The upper floor resembled a silver cylinder as it rolled.

I ran down the road seeking shelter because I could see the storm behind me ravaging town. I climbed into a tree nook. Above the tree on a hill I saw something. Turns out it was a women’s center specifically to help women build muscle (strength). I remember seeing the logo as a flexed bicep (lol). I remember seeing an outstretched hand (guidance).

Then the storm was over  and I returned to the town. The family had lost everything and asked where I was. I told them and they were relieved but had never heard of the retreat.

Considerations

I woke with a start from this dream and got immediate reassurance from my guidance that all will be okay. The first things I thought about was a similar dream I had not long ago about a similar looking silver, cylindrical object full of people rolling over and over. Everyone was oblivious to it but me. This dream seemed almost like a repeat of that one.

Storms can represent so many things. This storm was like a hurricane-tornado. Usually I feel to be in the eye of the hurricane, so maybe this time I get swept up in it because I get over involved? The road scene seems to indicate that I am being guided to be the observer as does the part where I exit the rolling mess and take shelter in a women’s refuge to regain my strength. Again, very similar to my other dream except this time I was less upset by it.

So, perhaps October will be ramping up the change. Oh well. Sigh.

 

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Diamond in the Rough

How was your October 1st? Did it feel different than September?

For me the word that describes yesterday best is: refreshing. 🙂

Probably because I am sleeping so well now. Ha!

Now that the lessons of September have made themselves known to me and I have digested them enough to really grok them, I am feeling much more positive and optimistic about October. So change is coming? When isn’t it?!?

More Signs – Everything is Gonna Be Okay

All day yesterday I was receiving signs from the universe in various shapes and forms. As usual, I was not looking for them yet they appeared obvious to me nonetheless and left me with a feeling of awe at life, the beauty and complex simplicity of it all (purposeful oxymoron there :)).

I had to go into work because the ransomware attack left the company’s computer system a mess and once again QuickBooks was down. Thankfully, I was able to drop Elek (my youngest) with my SIL. This was out of the ordinary since on Mondays and Tuesday I usually work from home because my SIL is unavailable. On the way from my SIL’s house to work a song came on that seemed to echo in my head and brought about this “frozen time” feeling (sign of a message coming through). Here’s the song:

It reminded me that I choose how I feel. And so, right there, I chose to be happy in the moment, to count my blessings and not allow life to get me down. Perfect song don’t you think?

The day went about fine and I headed home early. I took Monty on a walk and came across this:

Photo

The picture makes it hard to see, but on the walk what I saw in those tiny flowers was obvious: a heart. There were no other flowers in the grass except the ones in the picture. It was like they grew specifically to form the shape of a heart for me. ❤ Can you see it?

Later I went to the social run. The woman I invited couldn’t join me because of a work issues, so I went alone. As I drove the heaven’s opened up in a torrential downpour and I thought for sure I would be running in the rain. But as I approached my destination a magnificent rainbow spread across the sky. I could see it in it’s entirety. I couldn’t take a picture while driving or I would have.

When I got to the run the rain stopped and the skies cleared. As the group started running I saw the rainbow was still present, though fading. At the end of the run it was still there but brighter. It felt like a good omen to me that the rainbow followed me to the run and was there to greet me even at the end.

rainbow 10.1.18

I ended up staying at the store for a foam rolling seminar and headed home later than expected. My youngest had been very upset by my absence, so I came home and gave him lots of hugs. ❤ He is so good at giving hugs!

This morning I awoke with the song above on my mind – Specifically, “Happy, happy, happy, happy…..” lol

Dream – Diamond in the Rough

I had a dream that seems significant, though I cannot pinpoint how just yet.

In the dream I was attending a wedding where the guests stayed overnight after the reception. My husband and I were looking for a bed (seeking domestic security and happiness) and wandered around trying to find one that was somewhat private. I saw beds of all shapes and sizes in all kinds of locations. Some were draped with curtains for privacy, others had velvet pillows and luxurious covers, some were out in the open and some were even outdoors. We had not reserved a room (bed) so we were just looking for one no one was in. I remember my husband being very flirtatious and me reciprocating, which is unusual in my dreams.

We found a couple of beds we liked. He got in one and I got in the other, both of us trying to convince the other they had the better bed (different ideas about how to reach goal of domestic happiness). Eventually all the other guests started arriving and we had to move out of the way and let them go to their reserved beds. One woman stopped me and started chatting. She was older and wearing eccentric clothing. She was carrying with her a bunch of buttered toast and cookies she had stolen from the buffet. She left the toast (simple things in life) on a table and took the cookies (indulgences). I remember picking up the squished toast and thinking it gross (rejecting simplicity).

At one point I went outside and it turned into my mom’s back porch (my social self or facade). There, sitting on small table, was a birdhouse (my personal house and home). The top was opened up (guidance from higher source is being received) and I could see a nest (opportunity, family potential) inside. I peered closely at it thinking it should be closed so that the birds would feel safe. As I was thinking this a very large dragonfly (something is not as it seems) flew so close I could hear its wings beating. Fascinated. I grabbed my phone to take a picture. As I focused in on the dragonfly a stream of misty water (clarity, cleansing, renewal) got in the way from a fountain I had not seen. The dragonfly’s wings sparkled in the mist and it took off. I looked back at the birdhouse and the dream seemed to freeze frame. I knew I needed to pay attention. The roof was open, split down the middle to form two perfectly identical sides. In the middle was a perfect little nest. I can still see it in my mind.

Back inside I saw the bride sitting over hundreds of very tiny boxes. She was folding up notes and inserting them. I asked what they were and she said, “Thank you cards.”

Later on in the dream the bride had given birth (potential) but lost track of her baby. Someone said to her, “Don’t you know you need to take care of your baby?”

There was an entire sequence here about a twin that is mostly lost to me now. All I recall is waking up talking with a guide about various topics to include looking to my own life for what I want. Something like, “My resistance is causing a persistence that will vanish upon acceptance”. “Diamond in the rough” also comes to mind. I specifically remember being asked to think of how my husband made me feel in the dream. The scene where we were looking for a bed came to mind. I felt an attraction to my husband but rejected those feelings. I was asked to consider why.

I was reminded of the song above and the line, “room without a roof.” I believe it relates to the birdhouse without a roof.

7 things you never knew about dragonflies | MNN - Mother ...

Observations and Considerations

Recent experience has shown me that even the most “spiritually advanced” individuals are still human. Human nature – Ego, belief systems and conditioning – still comes through in their preferences and personality. It is unavoidable. Unconditional love exists, but in human form it is rare because survival dictates preference (choice/selection) and preference results in conditions being placed on circumstances and people. In my experiences thus far, I can only find lack of condition present in a parent’s love for their children. I sense my ability to expand this to other relationships but I am finding others unable to reciprocate because of their very human conditioning. For me, the removal of conditions from a relationship feels like freedom. To others it feels like a threat, it lends to lack and lack is not pro-survival.

For example, a man may place the condition of monogamy on his partner because it ensures his mate will not stray from him. This is common in men because women are selective and have the upper hand in mate selection.

Anyway, it is obvious to me (again) that humanity has a very long way to go. I have Remembered how it can be but I cannot force that reality on anyone who is not yet ready to embrace it. I feel much like I was born into the wrong time and place but I cannot let that feeling overwhelm me or lead me into a depressed, apathetic state. It is what it is. I can accept it or reject it. I choose acceptance even though it is difficult.

 

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5D: Follow the White Rabbit

Yesterday was a strange day in so many ways. In fact, it was fitting that it was the last day of September because it seemed almost like a farewell in some ways, tying up all the gifts of the month into one little package. I say, “gifts” but honestly this month felt like a huge mess of mess on top of mess, but it is well known to me that these messes are in actuality some of the best lessons (err gifts). This particular gift was given by me as a gift back to the Gods (hehe). I tied a note to it that said, “You can have it!” Think of the prank of putting a bag of fresh dog poop by someone’s front door and you get the idea!

My friend Linda posted that yesterday Pluto stationed direct. Here is a post of hers from 2013 discussing it in more detail. It was particularly fitting that I saw her post (as usual) because I was feeling a big overloaded that morning. Not by life necessarily, but by myself. In fact, a good nickname for me would have been “the woman with many faces” (think Game of Thrones and the faceless man). I say that because my experiences had me perceiving all these timelines and options within me. These potential possibilities seemed to sprout from within, expanding to reveal entirely new worlds and versions of me. I was left feeling a bit discombobulated unable to do anything with the experience except watch as these other worlds continued on without me participating in them, or at least this version of me, leaving me with a sort of lame grief at their departure and “what could have been”.

Yeah, sounds like something from a Sci-Fi show, I know. None of it was literal. I was stable in present time and space, but I could perceive so much around me as if viewing it from a screen within my mind. All the while I’m still participating in life, going about my day, etc.

I could perceive so completely what I will just call the “could have been’s” of this lifetime, from the vantage point of now. Just meaning, these timelines sprouted from the present, not from the past or future. All the while knowing the timeline I had to take. In fact, I felt anchored to it despite my desire to explore the other avenues of my soul. This sense of stuckedness was not fun for me and I resisted a bit. As a result of my resistance, I manifested around me experiences that reflected back to me what I needed to know. Only when I saw what that was did the resistance give way to surrender.

I feel a bit like the reprimanded child this morning, as you can imagine. I had to relearn a lesson: Let go. This lesson is on-going I guess, courtesy of the human tendency to Forget and attach.

stonepath

New Path

While all this is taking place, I am well aware of a new path opening up to me. I can only see the very beginning of it, like a path in the woods winding through trees. So, I don’t know where it is leading. Yet the feeling I get is, “Follow me….Follow me….” like the trees whispering to me. Makes me think of Alice in Wonderland, “Follow the white rabbit.”

I have already mentioned the path briefly. Thus far there is a social theme to it. I continue to have this draw to be more social. I am attending a running group on Mondays. Last Thursday, despite being horribly sleep deprived, I attended a breast cancer fundraising event for women only and had a great time. Saturday I invited my son’s friend’s mother to come with me on a run with the social group tonight. I’ll be picking her up tonight on the way.

Then, yesterday, my daughter’s friend’s mom and I hit it off and I now have a new workout buddy. We’re meeting at her gym on Tuesday. We chatted for almost an hour last night when she dropped my daughter off. She recently relocated here with her daughter after separating from her partner (she is a lesbian). She lives just across the street from me.

I don’t know if this is part of the new path or not, but I find it interesting that I have now met two lesbians within two months. The first was in August at work – our new receptionist who, by the way, I had a part in hiring (I selected the candidates). I see her every time I go to work and we have gotten to know each other fairly well over the last month. She is very open about her sexual orientation and her female partner and has even suggested to me that I might be bi-sexual (lol) during a conversation.

So now, after meeting my daughter’s friend’s mother who announced her sexual orientation within ten minutes of us meeting, I am wondering, “What gives?” because in my entire life I have only known a few lesbians. One is my best-friend’s mother and her partner, they have been together going on 25 years now. Another is my sister-in-law (bi-sexual actually).

Yeah, something’s up.

The feeling I get regarding this path is “go with it.” There is a sense that it leads somewhere purposeful. I feel very much like I did right before my current job came to me. It comes with an inner nudge that feels as if it is saying, “You have resisted so much in life. Why not just let go and see what life brings you?”

This is all part of learning how to operate in 5D, just in case you didn’t already know that. I have played a part in anchoring in 5D, am grounded and centered in it now, and the next step is learning to toss my old 3D ways and begin operating in 5D fully and functionally. That means no more seeking to control my path, the old 3D paradigm. It is exactly what I have been experiencing with these new paths opening up and me following them to see where they lead. It is all a very new feeling to me and I sense a very distant part of me panicking a bit, but she is not in control and is easily reassured. There is an instant shutting down of her, her thoughts, her tendencies, as if I have a remote control and just hit the mute button when she gets too loud. lol

For a while this new me seemed so foreign! I often send a mental inquiry inward asking, “How come I’m not freaking out? Aren’t I suppose to be freaking out??” lol The response is always this calm, centeredness, that responds with, “It’s okay.” I think I mentioned the beginnings of this earlier in my blog from 2016-2017. They manifested as literal panic attacks along with a feeling of some other energy/spirit seeming to “take over” or “come in”. All of this I now know were part of a transitional phase as I crossed the bridge over into 5D. These attacks have now been replaced with just a slight sense of a reaction that are barely noticeable.

It is all quite amazing to me as I look back on what was from the vantage point of what IS. To think of how far I’ve come in such a short time, I wonder what comes next? How much more will I change?

My guidance advises me to “follow the eight winds” (again). For me the most difficult areas are pleasure and suffering. To not attach to desire – or suffering – is a challenge for me. Yes, I attach to suffering which may seem odd, but I have this strange compulsion to wallow in my sorrow and poor-me myself to death. In hindsight it is funny and understandable, but my guides often have to nudge (or kick) me to recognize I am doing it. It is the same with desire except that they have to drag me kicking and screaming away. Sigh.

“Worthy persons deserve to be called so
because they are not carried away by the eight winds:
prosperity, decline, disgrace, honor, praise, censure, suffering, and pleasure.
They are neither elated by prosperity nor grieved by decline.
The heavenly gods will surely protect one who is unbending before the eight winds”.

                                                                                                                        Nichiren

Our path to enlightenment will be obstructed when we let the reactions of the surrounding get authority on our feelings and on our lives.

If there was ever a map to navigate through 5D, it is the Eight Winds. Study it. Follow it. Be steadfast.

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Dream: How to Give a Good Hug

Another good night’s sleep. 🙂 So very thankful!

Dream: How to Give a Good Hug

The dream began in a hospital (need to improve physical/emotional health) room. I was sitting next to a woman on the phone trying to get an early morning appointment. It felt like we were in Canada, but I am not sure. She finally found a place that would see several men at 7:30am. The men had an ailment covering the entire front of their chest (confidence, vitality). It was described as “raw and painful” like a sunburn  (urgent matter burning through and demanding immediate attention) with oozing spots that would not heal. I suggested it may be a yeast infection like my daughter would get on her butt when she was a baby. The woman said it was not that but I felt it must be.

A nurse (need to take time out to heal) came into the room asking about the appointment and thought I was a doctor (problem needing to be addressed). I said, “I’m not a doctor. I’m just wearing a lab coat (protection).” I looked down and I was indeed wearing one.

The men came in for their appointment and I recognized them as various men from the shop at work. They sat down with a doctor who was questioning why they came to see him. He turned to me and said, “I am a cardiologist (matters of the heart).” I said, “The issue is with their chests” and encouraged him to see them. Each of the men revealed their red, raw chests to the doctor. The doctor prescribed them with a white ointment (healing) they were to spread all over the raw areas.

I turned to the lady I was with and said, “See, they do have yeast infections. See the cream he prescribed?” She said it was not, that it was some other issue that began with a “D”. She advised I be careful because it was very infectious and told me to check my toothbrush (feeling defensive) in case one of the men had used it.

Then we went to a large swimming pool (cleanse away the past). The men waded in, relishing the cool water as it soothed their wounds. The nurse who I was with opted to get into the pool with them. She was wearing a flowered swimsuit and revealed to me that she was pregnant (aspect of self growing and maturing), though she was not showing yet. I recall she looked Indian (as in from India).

Then I was attending class in the hospital. I was sitting at a student desk next to several other students. A teacher was addressing the class, explaining the recent assignment and what he had expected of our answers. He was about to pass out our graded papers. I recall him as being familiar to me, older with dark hair and a nice smile.

The question had been simple: Why had we opted to take his class? In the dream, “class” felt like an experience that was much longer than a typical class would be – like “Life”. He said, “Many of you answered with, ‘To know how to have a successful relationship’, or ‘To know how to make the right choices’.” I remember thinking they were all good reasons.

He then passed out the graded papers. When he handed me mine I looked immediately at my answer. There, written in very clear print that was not familiar to me as my own, was:

To know how to give a good hug.

I thought to myself, “It’s very simple.”

The teacher said to me, “Very good answer. 95%.”

The other two students sitting next to me were told they both received a 65% for their answers.

With my graded test was my lunch (preparation for important event). I opened the plastic box the sandwich (a lot of pressure and stress is being put on me, need to do mutliple things at once) was in and took it out. I thought to myself, “I don’t want this.” lol

As I woke I repeated to myself, “To know how to give a good hug.” It was very simple.  Not the grade but the simplicity of it. A memory of my youngest wrapping his tiny arms around me came to mind and I smiled. I heard again, “It’s a good answer” from my guidance.

It is.

Note: Symbolically, to dream of giving a hug means a need to show one’s true feelings or a need to heal emotionally.

hugRealizations

This dream had me thinking of hugs. The types of hugs. The reasons we hug. All of it. There are the warm hugs, those we give in appreciation, support and love. There are the hugs we resist, the hugs we don’t reciprocate, and the hugs we give only because they are expected. Then there are the hugs we give when we see someone again who we have missed. There are the hugs we give in sorrow….and joy. There are the hugs we give when we need acceptance, or when we want to let someone know we want to share with them how we feel ……. or to show them we feel what they do.

All hugs are an attempt to shorten the distance between us, to lessen the separation we feel in these bodies and in this physical experience. They are attempts to bring into this reality/experience a piece of Home. They are us trying to Remember Home, to Remember the love and connection we have to everyone and everything.

I realized that I need to give more hugs. I realized I need to stop resisting hugs when they are given. I do this more than I should. I realized that how one hugs and how often is a direct representation of how vulnerable they allow themselves to be around others.

So my answer was a really good answer, perhaps one of the best answers one could give.

It reminds me of the movie, City of Angels, the scene where the angel (Nicolas Cage) is helping a little girl who has just crossed over. He asks her what her favorite part of life was. She says, “Pajamas.” Simple, but a perfect answer. I always think when I see that part of the movie that my answer would be, “Pillows.” Why? hehe Because I like to hug them close when I sleep. 🙂

I had been asking questions before bed that I feel this dream answers. I was reminded that we come into life on Earth to experience separation and all that it entails. We purposefully Forget in order to re-Remember. We are challenging ourselves by Forgetting ourselves. Can we feel through the illusions of this reality to our Truth? Can we love despite the illusion of separation? Those connections we have where we feel the least Divine Love are there to challenge us to be our best selves. So perhaps my answer is that I need to feel through circumstance (all the noise of life) to find the Truth in it, that Truth being I love the people in my life, even though it may not be as obvious as I would like.

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Crazy Week!

I finally got sleep. Slept in until 8:30am. No OBEs, lots of dreams but not too much dream recall now. I am still tired. It will take another few days to make up all that lost sleep.

So this week has been a doozie! IDK what kind of strange astrological, geomagnetic or spiritual shifting has been going on but it has been really shaking up my world, that’s for sure!

I’ll just start at the beginning.

First, my husband left for Florida. He will likely be gone until the end of October, maybe longer. This has been planned for a while, so no surprise. The thing is, every time he makes this trip (about every six months) all kinds of crap happens. For example, one time the a/c decided to stop functioning the day after he left. Another time the refrigerator stopped cooling and all our milk went sour the day after he left. So, every time he leaves I get on the defensive, waiting for something to break or worse.

The day before he left our place of employment, where my husband is general manager, got infected with ransomware. The entire system down, it was quite stressful for my husband. The ransom was eventually paid ($750) but it took half the week to restore 90% of the files and even by Friday things were not 100%. As a result, most of my workweek was unproductive because I could not use QuickBooks or access files which is about 90% of my job. No big deal, right? Well, yes it is because I want the pay and I can’t get paid if I have no work to do!

On the day of his departure I was awakened early (of course!) because he hadn’t realized his flight left on Monday. So, day one of lost sleep and then an unproductive work day and lost hours. Really, though, not a biggie considering I had to take my middle child to the dentist for his second round of cavity filling (ugh). That evening I decided to go to a local running group social run. It was fun but exhausting. I over did it just a tad.

The next couple of days were uneventful except for the loss of sleep and some financial issues I won’t go into detail about. I think my inability to sleep was a combination of all the stress I was experiencing and additional “mommy duties” to my already packed schedule.

Thursday morning I had to wake early to take my daughter to choir before school. Again, no sleep, despite running speed intervals the night before. Right before leaving my daughter dropped an entire glass of orange juice on the kitchen floor. It busted, broken glass and juice all over the place. I had to clean it before we left, which, if you’ve ever cleaned up juice, takes multiple pass overs with the mop.

While I mopped, my middle child decided to go to the bus stop early. When I went to retrieve him he refused to come back to the house so we could go by car to the school. I had to almost drag him back to the house. Then, when we got into the car, it was ransacked. I had accidentally left it unlocked and someone had combed our neighborhood for unlocked cars, found ours and took everything out of the glove compartment and console looking for valuables. Thankfully, there was nothing of value inside but the incident left me feeling violated most of the day and a bit paranoid that someone would come back at a later date to check out the rest of our property.

Yeah, Thursday was a really fun day (eye roll).

At work I was somewhat productive because QuickBooks was restored using my computer rather than the network. I spent most of the day playing catch up. My mind was full of fog and I felt as if I was walking around in the dream most of the day. I kept zoning out and could feel the beginnings of panic when I would snap back to present reality. No fun. I also think I was super open psychically because when the lady I am helping (the one with cancer) came in I began to feel this really crazy panicked feeling in my stomach that made me want to vomit. I could not pinpoint where the feeling came from but when I finally got into the car to leave, it vanished. Thus, I think I was picking up on her physical state. Thankfully, I had to leave work early to meet my middle son at the bus stop, so I didn’t have to feel that sick feeling for long.

Something odd that happened at work – my teeth started hurting for no reason. It was like I had braces all over again! It had me really worried. My teeth only hurt when pressure was applied to them and they were all teeth on the left side of my mouth. The sensitivity was gone by the next day. Weirdness!

That evening I opted to go to a breast cancer benefit I had been invited to on Monday. It went well and I had a good time. It was the highlight of my day and I thought for sure I would sleep that night because I was given a bottle of wine at the event. Sadly, a glass of wine did nothing for my sleep. 😦

My Friday began at 4:50am. My daughter burst through my bedroom door, waking me up prematurely because she had misread the time and thought she was late for the bus. My son had let the dog out and I had to retrieve him (for the 3rd time this week!). Thankfully I returned to sleep and went OOB for the first time in months as a result. The experience helped and I had a pretty good day. My coworker (the one with cancer) did not come in and QuickBooks went down again so I left early.

This morning I discovered a warped spot on our wood floor near the kitchen. Just one piece extending from the bar. On the other side is the dishwasher, which I ran on Sunday. We rarely ever use it so I’m guessing there is a leak. The board is located in a high traffic area and it is warped enough to notice under foot. So, yay, another “issue” that my husband would normally fix right away (he has a plumbing background and put in the wood floor himself). I am fed up with this wood floor now, though, and want it replaced with tile that doesn’t warp. We have several spots now, spanning the entire downstairs – one under the fish aquarium whose filter overflowed, another covering half the dining room and part of the living room from when our upstairs tub faucet leaked, and now this new area. I say be gone with it already! lol

october wallpaper HD

October Dread

For a while now I’ve been receiving messages about October. I am dreading the coming of next month. I have no specific details to relay, just a sense that some crazy changes are coming. If it is anything like this week then I am screwed. It doesn’t help that I received a message a while back about October indicating I would have a “heart attack”. Now, I doubt it is literal, though it sure felt like it at the time I received the message. I suspect something will happen that will “give me a heart attack” – so something surprising or shocking. Of all the things that could cause such a reaction, I am hoping for the positive ones. Maybe I will come into lots of money? lol Or, most likely, some kind of Kundalini event since the K energy has been so active in me this year. I have no clue and won’t speculate beyond the above. I am too busy (and exhausted) anyway.

Dreams

When I did get sleep this week, I had odd and vivid dreams. Here are a few:

In one dream I was in bed with a man just waking in the morning. He began to initiate sex with me but my daughter was in the room with a video camera taking video (worried about someone knowing or getting caught). I got upset with her and tried to get her to leave. She wouldn’t leave and I couldn’t be with the man. I got very upset. The man reminded me of a guy online who sometimes pops up in my dreams. He is not attractive at all to me and kind gross’ me out. lol

In another dream I was interacting with a woman I know who I don’t like very much, but tolerate. She is very “simple” minded with very little common sense. She had made cookies and misinterpreted my facial expression. She said, “Just get out.” She was insulted and I explained to her that my facial expression was not in response to what she had said. She had made tiny, square cookies (letting trivial matters annoy me) and wanted me to try one. I tasted them (guilty indulgences) and they were not very sweet (second guessing something). I thought they would be better with frosting. I asked if they were gluten free and she said they were. She left and I sat with the cookies in the kitchen for a while. I remember the woman returning and telling me about the photo album calendar she was making (she does this every Christmas). She asked if I would pay $14.50 for my portion. I was told my photo was not in it much (only 3 times). I knew it was because I rarely participated in family things. My husband advised me to not buy it because I was not in it. The calendar was shaped like a hamburger (wholeness).

I went directly into another dream. In it I was traveling to Montana (spiritual journey). Within the dream was a story about “Indians” who were migrating to Montana. I remember seeing the path up through the Dakotas and talking to someone about the journey. The Indian man I was talking to was not Native but Hindu (reference to Kundalini). I remember him having really dark Indian skin tone and thick black hair.

Then there was a dream scene of a plate of food. The meat was not meat but a pile of dry dog food (battling fidelity issues in a relationship). It was surrounded by other human food and made to look “normal”. It woke me up. lol

 

 

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Sleep Deprivation Leads to Unexpected OBEs

OMG what a week! I have not been sleeping well at.all. I struggle to fall asleep and usually wake up prematurely and then can’t return to sleep. I have been averaging 4 hours a night. 😦

Last night I fell asleep at midnight (three hours after going to bed) and then was awakened prematurely by my daughter at 4:50am. She thought it was 6:50am and had awakened her brother in a rush to get ready and get to the bus in time. Her brother accidentally let our dog, Monty, out and she burst into my room to declare,”Orren let Monty out again!” I jumped out of bed, saw the time and told her what time it was. Then I went and retrieved Monty and tried to go back to sleep but I was furious because I had finally slept past 4am! Somehow, though, I fell back to sleep. So thankful for the additional hour!

As a result of waking up and returning to sleep I was blessed with a lucid-to-OBE and two OBEs! I have not had any in ages, so it was a nice beginning to my day. Despite being sleep deprived I am quite contented today because of my gift. 🙂

Dream

I had a very long dream that is mostly lost now but impressions remain that I will document now before I forget them.

In the dream I was paired up with an older man who I recognized and felt was “too old” for me. We were on a vacation or trip together at place with chickens and other farm animals. I remember my bag being picked up (offer by the man to take on my burdens) and various flashes of imagery of wide open spaces and calming scenery. There is a portion that is vivid where I went to the chicken coop. A couple of roosters (pride, masculinity, arrogance) were let inside with a group of tiny chicks (youth, curiosity, innocence, girl). They immediately began to peck at the chicks, pecking out their eyes (avoidance of truth). I shooed them away but one died and the other was left blind and near dead (probably died). It upset me.

I recall walking around with this older gentleman holding hands as we talked. The sense I got from him in the dream was that he was there to take care of me, support me, etc, as my partner. It felt like he was trying to convince me to accept him as my partner, to see his side of things and recognize what he could contribute to my life and experience here in the physical. The feeling of the whole dream was as if from a classic romance where two seemingly very different individuals connect and fall in love.

When I woke I was having a conversation with a male energy (same one from the dream) about my considerations regarding age and partnerships. What age do I consider to be too old? Don’t I know that age is just a consideration – that we have no age in Spirit? When I came to full awareness I was a bit overwhelmed because it seemed so real, like he had just been in the room talking to me, sitting on the side of my bed! And I felt so loved and comfortable.

This song was in my head when I woke up, over and over, repeating this part: “But if you wait around awhile, I’ll make you fall for me, I promise you, I will…..”

Three OBEs

The first was a lucid dream to OBE. I was in my room with the kids selecting pants for my oldest son. It felt very real and solid and I almost didn’t realize it was a dream. But when I saw my husband I remembered he was on a trip to Florida. I said aloud, “This is a dream” and took over from there, going down the stairs to the front door. I began to fly after that, but I can’t recall much after that. I think I went back to my body because I remember trying to decide what to do and my awareness peaked too quickly.

The next experience was longer. I exited my body with very little vibrations felt and went directly outside and flew up into the air. I began to sing as I was pulled upward fast. I thought, “I don’t want to” and so stopped ascending gradually. I began to fly over the road in front of my house. I remember saying aloud, “Show me my greatest desire.” I then saw a military group convening in front of me on my right, tanks (need to defend self and stand up for self) in formation and people with machine guns (keep temper in check) in uniform. I remember them being women, not men. I heard someone advise, “Don’t go that way.” I didn’t listen and flew over the military group curiously. There was a definite line between the scene on my right and the scene on my left. The right had a shadow over it and the left was normal and clear. Both scenes were in the dark.

After making my decision, someone offered me a bright orange life jacket (security and support are being offered). I put it on as I flew over a group of people standing around in the road. These people were not in military attire.  I saw mostly young people of various ages, genders, races. The road came to a T and they were all gathered, seeming to be deciding on which way to go. I felt very alive and happy and was flying with exuberance over everyone. I remember deciding to play a joke on one guy who seemed very glib compared to the others. I began to pull off my clothing, life/safety jacket first, stripping all the way down to naked. As I did this I was singing repeatedly, “I want to be freeeeee!!!!”

Image result for image of orange life jacket

I kept having to pull layer upon layer off. It seemed more layers would be added after I took one off, bras (support, sexual nature) especially. I think I took off four bras in all. lol

I approached the a guy and got really close trying to get him to notice me. He did and I drew in closer feeling playful and lost lucidity popping back into my body.

In the last OBE I seemed to wake up in my bed and noticed my alarm clock was saying a time that did not match reality. I believe it was in military time but can’t recall the numbers now other than the 12. When I looked around at my surroundings I realized the room was not my own and full of people spaced equal distances apart and all seeming to be sleeping while standing up. I flew around playfully but no one seemed to be aware of me. There was a sense that they could wake up and so I tried to get their attention by again removing all my clothing (lol). The feeling was that to remove my clothes somehow freed me from the restraint or burden of them and what they represented. There was some interaction with some of the males but I can’t remember specifics now except that we were floating close to each other and seeming to wrap around each other energetically.

Eventually I remember seeing several men laying down, face up. One was a young man who was naked and talking to a man next to him who was also laying down and naked. I flew over the top of the young man’s head and then shifted my attention to the other man when I saw how young and immature the young man was (like pre-teen). Then I flew up to the other man who seemed to be in his 20s. He had a full beard which I could feel as I kissed him. There was a strange sense with the kiss that was a bit disturbing, though, and it brought me back to my body.

When I woke there was a ton of energy around my third-eye and crown.

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Exploration of Self

The full moon energy is here and right after the Equinox energy. This can pack a powerful punch. For me it has been subtle, mostly manifesting in continued tiredness coupled with difficulty falling asleep and sporadic dream recall.

The following is a dream I had a couple of nights ago that focused on my sense of self-worth and identity.

Dream: Boob Job

In this dream I was at a hospital (heal/improve mental or physical state) undergoing out-patient surgery to get a boob job (desire to be more sensual). I got one put in, my left one, and then after a short time got the other put in. The surgery (rebuilding self) was very fast but I don’t recall it, only that I was sedated but not put under anesthesia.

I remember waiting in the waiting room after my surgery was complete with a dark haired, young woman. Her hair was medium brown and straight, cascading past her shoulders. She was small chested and was getting a boob job to go from a 33 to a 35. I remember saying, “Up two sizes then?” I told her I wanted to stay the same size but wanted them to be youthful so the implants I got were for that. I remember choosing the implant with the young woman beside me. They came in all kinds of colors. I said, “I don’t see why color would matter. No one is going to see that.”

The waiting was to make sure I didn’t have a reaction to the procedure. I recall there being no pain. I looked in a mirror often, proud of my new “perky” boobs. They were much fuller and rounder. There were at least three instances where I stopped and looked at myself.

The young dark haired woman came out of her surgery and I could see an immediate difference. Her small frame emphasized her new breasts. I remember being a tad jealous.

At one point I needed to use the bathroom. I walked around feeling this cramping sensation in my bladder area. I asked for directions and was sent down the hall but the women’s restroom was closed. Actually, the door was sealed off and the sign removed (holding back my true emotion about something). The men’s restroom on the left was open and I thought of going in but opted to look for another restroom.

There was a sign indicating a restroom back near the lobby so I followed it to the restroom. There was a caution sign (feeling cautious) and a mop and bucket (work needing to be done) outside. I maneuvered around it and went inside. The stalls had doors that were sealed off. The whole room was bright white. I tried to squeeze through one of the doors but didn’t fit. Somehow I managed to get into the handicapped (humility) stall and sat on the toilet. When I pulled down my pants my underwear was soaked with blood (feeling emotionally drained). I knew the pain I had been feeling must have been my period but it was way early, at least five days too soon. When I tried to pee it was difficult but I finally did (cleansing, release of emotion). There was worry about the boob job being a bad idea, that it might be something I regretted causing infection or discomfort (regret of some decision).

Back in the lobby (trying to make something known) I spoke to the doctor (need for emotional/spiritual healing) and the young lady a while about what to expect after surgery. He asked me questions about how my boobs felt. I touched them and said I had a sensitivity under my armpit. He said it was normal. I was told not to sleep on my stomach but on my back and to avoid strenuous exercise. I recall really liking the doctor and reminding myself to write his name down so that I could go back to him if I ever needed a revision.

Exploration of Self

Lately, I have been feeling much more social than is my norm. I tend toward extroversion, which I have been told by countless astrologers is unusual because my chart indicates I should be extroverted. At times I can be very extroverted and when in my element. My guess is that my psychic sensitivity has led me to withhold my true self.

Anyway, last night, on a whim, I opted to go on a group social run in a nearby town. I have been a part of their online community for some time and always found an excuse not to attend their gatherings. Yet yesterday it just popped into my head and ultimately I could not talk myself out of it. I ended up having a good time and meeting lots of good people. I talked too much, though (ha!) while running and had to stop and walk for a time on an uphill portion of the route. When I looked back at my heart rate it had gotten to 190bpm! This is WAY too high for me and I am lucky I didn’t experience dizziness or pass out (how embarrassing would that have been?).

Ultimately, the experience was a good one and I plan on attending more runs and getting to know the group better.

I do find it interesting, though, that I had this urge to go on the social run. This is so unlike me. I was reminded of the message “Run!” that I got not long ago. My guess is that on a subconscious level this message is continuing to come through and “push” me towards a path. Maybe the path will help me open up and connect with more people?

Interestingly, the mother of my son’s friend asked me outright a couple of weekend ago if she could join me on a run sometime. Prior to going on this social run I thought of inviting her and even had a text written out to invite her but then deleted it. I decided it best that I go first on my own and invite her to the next one and give her more notice. I will likely text her this week sometime. The thing is, even thinking of inviting her and reaching out in such a way is NOT my style. LOL Yet the urge was to do just that and I felt good about it.

My best guess about this change in behavior is that I am moving toward development of my individuality – my separate self – that has been lacking in my life for over a decade. I have mentioned in past posts how I tend to exchange my individual wants/needs/preferences for that of my partner’s. As such, I lose my-self in the partnership in an attempt to mitigate any conflicts that might result. I’ve realized that this tendency comes from undervaluing myself and from a belief (conditioning) that the partnership (marriage) and my partner is more important than me. I recognized that rather than flourish and prosper, my marriages and relationships tend to fail because of this pattern of behavior. I become resentful of my partner and eventually rebel against them and my self-created situation.

What I am describing, of course, is co-dependency to a T, and is a situation that needs resolution. Ultimately, the best solution is for me to regain my individuality but this does not necessarily mean dissolving the partnership. A healthy relationship allows both individuals to be true to themselves without sacrificing for the other. The question is, can my husband accept the changes which will result? Even more importantly, can I?

I am reminded of the dead octopus I saw in a vision not long ago. It symbolizes the end of a codependent situation. 🙂

Similarly, I am reminded of the events of yesterday prior to the social run. My husband left for the airport and I kept having this feeling of finality come over me as we said our goodbyes. A verse from the Doors came to mind, “This is the end, beautiful friend, the end.” As you can guess this was a bit unsettling in the moment but I shrugged it off. Very seldom are these messages literal……

I will be attending another social gathering this Thursday. A “Diva” night for just the women of the running group. Two of the ladies I met on the social run kept encouraging me to attend it and I feel that it would be good for me. They also want me to come to some of the other gatherings that include “beer runs” and “coffee runs”. Not sure I will take part in the drinking of the beer (I was asked, “Do you like beer?”) but it could be a fun experience nonetheless.