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A Poem

Not a usual thing for me, I know, but poetry seemed appropriate at this time. Sometimes there is just so much emotion and too few words.

The Dream that Persists

Ease is what I wish
yet resistance is what I find.
How to allow and be at peace
through this troubling time
is heavy on my mind.

My heart is where I need to be
yet within it pain hides.
Fear of a deepening despair
taking me out with the tide. 
An undercurrent is all I find.

If only I could recover the trust
in what my heart tells me.
Where once it resided is empty
demolished by what was unseen.
What’s left is beyond repair.

Even my dreams offer no counsel;
silence from without and within.
Asking me to feel the sorrow
so I can feel the love again.
It’s just too much for me to bear.

I wish I could open the window
to my heart like I once did.
But I’ve locked it on purpose
afraid the pain will come again.
Yet I outstretch my hand…

Have I been forgotten?
Has it all been in vain?
If only I had known
I’d have avoided this pain.
Tell me you understand…

If this is all an illusion
why does it feel so real?
Bound by contracts forgotten
Unheard my every appeal.
Tell me you feel it, too…

Through the veil I feel peace
reaching through to take my hand.
Yet I feel undeserving
preferring another reprimand.
The rewards seem so few.

Yet I listen and find hope,
somehow it still exists
in this darkened space by that window
to the dream that persists.

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It is Well

I hope everyone enjoyed the weekend celebrating their mothers in their own way. We ended up at my mom’s house for the afternoon and then at my mother-in-law’s in the evening. It was nice to hang out with family and be in nature. The sun was out, there was a nice breeze and the energy was calm and friendly.

Though it was a good day overall, I woke in tears Mother’s Day morning and by the evening the melancholy returned. This morning there was more upset. More purging. More whatever it is. Rather than focus on it by talking about it here I choose to focus on the message that came to me when I asked for help. Perhaps it will help those of you who are in this purging mode alongside me. Remember, it all has a purpose. It will pass. It is well.

 

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

(Skipped in the version above)
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Song by Horatio Spafford.

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A Mother’s Reflection on Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers, grandmothers, and mother figures out there. I wanted to take time to reflect on my mother experience this lifetime and celebrate my three children.

My Daughter

Adrian Rose – English name meaning “of the sea (Adriatic sea)” but I picked the name because I knew she wanted it.

Rising sign – Cancer
Sun sign – Taurus
Moon sign – Libra

Yesterday we celebrated my daughter’s ninth birthday. Her actual birthday is tomorrow, May 15th. Every year around her birthday I am reminded of how I celebrated Mother’s Day the day before I was admitted to the hospital and gave birth to her. And so I am also reminded of her birth and the gift she has been every day since.

Her entrance to this world was forced, though. I became very ill. Pre-eclamptic. This means my blood pressure was at unsafe levels. Stroke levels. If I remember correctly it was 165/98 or around there. This is abnormally high for me as my BP is usually 110/68. My doctor, God bless her, never indicated her worry, though I am sure she was. She remained calm even when she told me that my kidneys were dumping huge amounts of protein in my urine and that if I did not induce that day my kidneys would fail and then so would my other organs one-by-one. My husband insisted we not induce, so we waited 24 hours, hoping things would improve. They didn’t. I got worse. It was the only time my doctor looked nervous. I was so sick, so out of it, that I had no idea howadrian.jpg dire the situation was.

I don’t remember much of the birth. I was so sick that my mind was scattered and I was so pumped up with medications for the pre-eclampsia and epidural that most of my memory is fuzzy. I felt emotionally numb when I held her for the first time. The numbness lasted 9 months. My poor daughter never got to bond with me because of it and I felt unable to be her mother for reasons unknown to me. My daughter suffered with colic and an under developed digestive tract. We both took a long time to recover.

Yet as we emerged from the haze we connected and our relationship blossomed. I remember noticing when my daughter was first present in her body. I could see it in her eyes at around the 9 month mark. The same time when I emerged from my depression and numbness. In a sense, she really wasn’t born until then. It was like she waited for me.

We have a special bond now. I knew I would have her way back in my teens. I had her first name picked out when I was 19 and her middle name picked out when I was 26. I knew what she would look like because she visited me in Spirit for years before her birth. When she was in my tummy I knew her personality and she has lived up to it in every way. She is a girly girl. Loves dresses, make-up, dolls, etc. The exact opposite of me when I was her age. She is very cautious and coy but when she gets to know you she becomes a chatter box. She is strong willed like me, though, and has an explosive temper when she gets angry.

meandadrian

Me and my daughter in 2009

First Son

Orren – Celtic name that means “Little green one” (Leprechaun)  or “Of the trees”. He is the only one of my children with green eyes. 🙂

Rising sign – Libra
Sun sign – Capricorn
Moon sign – Aries

Like my daughter, I knew about my son ahead of time. Unlike her, I did not choose a name until I knew I was pregnant. When I found his name I knew it, though, because I could sense his personality the minute I became pregnant with him.

My pregnancy was an easy one compared to my daughter. I experienced no sickness and felt wonderful. I had no pre-eclampisa, though my BP was high on the day of his birth. I went into labor early on January 11, 2011. I was hopeful his birthday would be 1-11-11 but he had other plans. He came just after midnight on the 12th. An accidental natural birth (epidural didn’t work) with a minor complication. My doctor brought in the NICU team because his heart rate was dropping to scary limits. Turns out he had an unnaturally short umbilical cord (less than 11 inches) and it was causing him orren.jpgdistress.

When he was put in my arms I cried happy tears. The natural birth was amazing and so memorable. I couldn’t sleep I was so ecstatic afterward and experienced a mother’s high for 6 weeks after his birth. I was in love with him and couldn’t stay away, my energy so high that sleep was unnecessary. His birth was how birth should be and I saw just how much I had missed with my daughter because of my illness.

My son has thus lived up to the personality I felt from him while he was in my womb. He is intense at times but very caring. He is always working to keep the peace and when his feelings get hurt he is quick to recover. Super social and agreeable, he is everyone’s friend. In fact, his teacher says he is friends with everyone in his class. He is very active and curious, too, to the point that if he is not focused on something he goes into an agony over being bored. He seems fearless in comparison to my daughter.

I was told by my guidance prior to his birth that he is my father reincarnated. My daughter confirmed this after his birth when she was 2.5 years old telling me, “He’s my grandfather, silly.” Interestingly, my mom and my son have a special bond. My mom being my father’s ex-wife, this makes complete sense.

Second Son

Elek – Hungarian name meaning “defender of mankind”.

Rising sign – Libra
Sun sign – Aries
Moon sign – Aries

My second son was a surprise. Kinda. I knew about him but was in denial. I didn’t want anymore children. I was happy with my two and felt my family was complete. He had other ideas. Funny thing is that I said many times before I became pregnant, “If I have another child it will be a boy.”

It took a while to find his name. Once I did, though, it felt right. Unfortunately, I spent the first five months of my pregnancy with him in anger. Eventually I got over it. I cannot understand how any mother doesn’t fall in love with her child when they are in her womb. You can sense them, feel the love in every movement they make. You become instantly concerned for them, putting them first in every way. I took better care of myself when I was pregnant, especially with him.

I knew somehow that he would be breech months before it was apparent that he was not going to turn. I knew I would have a c-section, too. It was a scary prospect and part of why I was so angry in the beginning. I wanted another natural birth and was not going to get it. The unknown loomed in the distance. I worried for him and for me.

He decided to make his entrance a week before the c-section was scheduled. I went into labor on the 30th and my contractions were strong the next day at work making me have to check myself into the hospital. My BP was super low, though, and I felt really good considering. I had only gained 19 pounds with him, so never really felt pregnant.

I had an emergency c-section but it was somewhat planned. My doctor, the same one from my other two, was super supportive. She hugged me, held my hand and was just amazing. Nothing went wrong and within five hours of checking into the hospital I had my son in my arms. elek1

I had a scary first night, though. When I tried to sleep I would stop breathing. This was because they gave me morphine. I told them to stop but the effects kept me awake all night. I had hallucinations because of it the entire next day. I would be talking to family and end up talking to Spirit and saying nonsense things to my family. The whole time I could see other people in the room and was sure they were there, but they weren’t. It was like I was awake and dreaming at the same time. At one point in the night I felt Spirit lurking about near my sleeping son. He was not a nice one and I had to send him a warning. He left but it spooked me. I will never take morphine again if I can help it!

So far my youngest has lived up to his personality, too. He is a fireball but so very loving and snuggly. When he gets mad you better apologize or he will make you regret it. But he is also very forgiving and easy to please. So far he is not very social but more of a loner. He prefers to be with me or an adult to other children. He talks and talks, too, and seems to enjoy performing to get attention.

Motherhood

Becoming a mother has changed me for the better, no doubt about it. At first it was somewhat forced. I resisted big-time. I felt my freedom was being stolen from me and spent a good time grieving over this perceived loss. After my daughter was born I swore I would have no more children but eventually this lessened as she grew and I grew alongside her. It is true that the first born is the biggest teacher of them all. Neither has played their role and so many mistakes are made and so huge growth is the result.

Motherhood taught me unconditional love the hard way. The love is unlike any other. In itself the love changes all that it touches. You can’t help but be changed by it. My children made me a better person, a better daughter, a better wife, a better teacher, a better sister, a better listener. Better. They give me purpose, joy, future, promise, hope. I do not know who I would be had I not met my three children. I am grateful every day to have been blessed with their presence in my life.

three

Me and my three children in March, 2017 – Adrian, Elek and Orren.

My Mom and Grandmother

Being a mother also contributed to me finally understanding what my own mother must have gone through raising me and my two sisters. It takes one to know one, right? I have so much more respect for her and the role she played now. It is the same for my grandmother and the role she played in my life. As I watch my own mother in her role as grandmother to my children I see my grandmother in  her. It is so surreal in a sense to see how I have stepped into my mother’s role and she has stepped into her mother’s role.

threegenerations

November 2013

In memory of my grandmother who passed on May 4, 2014. Three generations – me, my mom and my grandmother. In this photo I am 6 months pregnant with my last child.

 

 

 

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Emotional Purging Returns

After a couple of nights of no tears the break is over. I was up most of the night in tears. I suppose I should count myself blessed being I’m not sick and had the two day reprieve.

The dreams started early in the night and this time I remember all of them and the reasons for my tears. I believe the better dream recall stems from a mixture of a lower dosage of Benadryl and taking 200mg of B6 prior to bed. B6 is known to help with dream recall. I have been taking the Benadryl for weeks because of my lingering cold symptoms and difficulty falling to sleep. Typically it does not lower dream recall or decrease the chance of having an OBEs. In fact, when I had my most recent OBE I took 25mg of Benadryl. However, I sleep lighter when I don’t take it.

Dream: Injustice

In this dream I was watching a drama unfold at a warehouse location (memories). The boss was giving the employees their instructions for the day. A couple of them posted a sign about him on the store doors. It was discovered and they were punished. The sign told untruths about their boss, some very nasty ones, too. I watched as more and more employees were joining the first two and undermining their boss behind his back. They did everything you can imagine – talked about him, purposefully made him look bad, ignored instructions, lied, etc. They were malicious, cold and plain nasty. I watched as the boss saw this happening and was beside himself with upset and unable to do anything about it. There was nothing wrong with him, either, it was just that two men decided to hate him and make his life miserable and got others to join them. I could feel all his upset and it became as if my own.

Toward the end of the dream I entered the dream and tried to defend the man. The whole thing was just so unfair and wrong. I remember telling someone about how I felt and how I could identify with the man’s plight. This is when I began to cry in heaving sobs. It was not tears for me but for the cruelty suffered by anyone in similar circumstances. I did have memories of my own upsets and relived the feelings I had during those times. I saw how I protected myself from it by withdrawing from most social circles.

When I woke up my eyes were pouring tears. It was 11am and I had not been asleep very long yet the dream seemed to have lasted forever. I remember saying to my guidance, “I don’t want to be here anymore.” When I was calmer I heard a voice say, “We want you to stay.” I realized I was in the in-between when I felt/saw one of my guides reach across a table and take my hand in his own. I then saw I was sitting at a round table and my Council was sitting all around me. The table was open in the middle and that is where I was seated. When looking at the table from above it would resemble a crescent moon.

We talked for a short while about my options. I won’t go into detail about them now but they have to do with the upcoming vertical alignment I am preparing for.

tears

Dream: Loss

In this dream I was at work orientation. I was obviously a school counselor at a school campus. Part of the orientation was to take a math quiz (self analysis) in order to assess our readiness to help the students with the state mandated testing. I had gotten mine late and when the principal came around to check our progress she took mine and wrote in black pen comments that were very rude and unprofessional. I was shocked and ended up cheating off a fellow teacher (feeling insecure) to get it done but even the copying proved difficult. The problems were very complex.

Feeling upset and wanting to get away, I went to hide in the bathroom (renewal). I was reconsidering my decision to work there. For some reason I was completely naked (fear of being discovered). I noticed an orange (out-going nature), sticky substance was all over me and I could not get it off. A man came in and told me it came from the sinks. Before I could be surprised that he was there the bathroom was full of people, both male and female. I was the only one without clothes but no one seemed to notice and I didn’t seem to care.

Then I went into the lounge and saw they had loads of fresh squeezed mandarin orange juice (energy/vitality). I saw it and mentioned that I should make marmalade for them. Entire memories of my last temporary job came to me at this time.

Then I was called to a meeting with the principal. She was very stern with me and gave me an agenda. I was working part-time and she was making sure my time was filled with productivity. There was a feeling that she was suspicious that I was slacking. She told me that she wanted me to give a presentation on loss. She then showed me another counselor who was doing such a presentation. The man was praying (humility) with a student. In the prayer he requested help for the child and his family. I was shocked that he was allowed to pray in school and became distraught when I felt the emotion of the family he was praying for.

I woke up in tears. There was a feeling that I was being asked to consider continuing my work as a counselor. I did not want this and was rejecting the idea. However, there is no indication of such a request. I think I was being asked to evaluate past experiences. The tears came from the end of the dream. I recognized that I have suffered huge loss in this life, loss that never was quite resolved. I also felt extremely lonely. My guidance pointed this out to me saying, “You are lonely.” The homesick feeling was very strong.

Dream: Test

In this dream I was with a couple of groups. The first was made of two men. Both had been drinking heavily (reaching new level of awareness) and one had vomited (letting go) and was cleaning it up. The second group was made of two women and they were going with me to a job interview situation. One woman was needing the job badly and talking about her financial situation. She was young and inexperienced. When we got to the location we were asked to take a test (self-analysis). The tests were on computers. After we were seated we began the test. I knew I had to pass all four sections but I was very nervous. Things kept distracting me. For example, I found several pairs of socks (yielding to others) on the desk, only one pair was mine. Another distraction was the woman sitting next to me. I remember us talking about our eyes and her saying she had a rare and special condition. I can’t recall it now but I do remember looking into her brown eyes for a long time. They were speckled with gold and very unique.

Eventually I was told to log off and given a slip of paper to come in and finish my exam. I asked why and was told it was lunch time. I got irritated at the proctor because the others were still taking their tests. I asked, “Why do they get to stay?” She wouldn’t answer. I realized it was because they were almost done and I was far from done. I stormed out of the building telling then I would not be able to come during the week like they wanted me to and likely would never finish the test.

When I got outside I climbed onto a little moped and drove off. Unfortunately, one of my tires went flat (feeling emotionally flat/tired) leaving me with only two. I remember seeing the tire very vividly as it literally fell off the third wheel.

The last thing I recall was sitting in a movie theater facing a group of kids. They were talking about going out and getting drunk. I remembering thinking I could use a drink, too, but knowing better.

Memories

I woke between each of these dreams and was unable to fall asleep for some time afterward. After the last dream I just stayed awake. While in between dreams I was given messages in the form of visions and music. The main visual I recall was seeing the number 11 very vividly. It started out small, like in the distance, and then got larger and large, closer and closer.

Several songs came to mind. The first two came simultaneously into my mind. This was after I woke from the first dream and was quite upset.

I was hearing, “You are beautiful, no matter what they say” simultaneously with, “I will wait, I will wait for you.” Two completely different songs superimposed in my mind.

The last song came after the second dream and before the third. It returned after I woke from the third as well. The part that kept repeating was, “I wanna dance with somebody. I wanna feel the heat with somebody. I wanna dance with somebody, somebody who loves me.” I suspect this song message is about the Kundalini “dance” of masculine and feminine energies. I have a brief memory from early on in the night where I felt the Kundalini energy throughout my mid-section. It was a pleasant, whirling feeling that, had I been more lucid, would likely have been quite intense and difficult to manage.

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A Lesson on Choice

Lately I have come to receive guidance in the form of quick “downloads” unlike the downloads I have experienced in the past. They are super fast, seamlessly streaming information in the form of complete Knowingness that comes into my Being and then seems to have always been there. It is as if the download is not a download at all but more of an activation of cellular memory. The experience of it is hard to describe but one minute I am without memory and the next filled with it. Then I am left to process what I now Know, which is not always easy considering the information does not come in words.

What I am noticing with increasing frequency is that when these activations of memory occur they are received as instructions. Let me clarify – There is no one telling me I am to do anything. Quite the opposite. It is more of an urgency toward certain action that results. This is not a compulsion, either. I have felt compelled in the past, so I know that is not what the feeling is. It is more of a soul guidance, something that stems from the core of my very Being.

After yesterday’s messages I spent most of my day viewing a potential future path from the vantage point of the Observer. What is interesting to me is that although this future path has many unknowns, unknowns that would normally scare me, I felt no trepidation whatsoever. My viewpoint was and still is that I am willing to experience anything and so as such there is no fear, expectation, anticipation or otherwise connected to this potential future and all avenues it could take.

By the end of the day I was reminded that I am not without choice in the matter of my life and my future. Though I may have this soul guidance occurring, I can still choose. So, I announced that I preferred to keep things as they are, that I am happy with how they are and that I feel the choice outcomes would be more beneficial to all in the long-run. I fell asleep happy and quite content with my decision, too.

ginger

Dreams

My dreams last night indicate that I was mulling over my decision. I had a long dream where I was searching for my car (life path), the Prius (current life path), and could not find it. Someone stole it (feel like the path is being taken away) and another car was being presented to me as mine (new direction). A black sports type car (the unknown). I was rejecting it and upset that my Prius was gone.

In another dream I went on a date with a portly young man still in high school. I was aware that I was way older than him but that they all believed I was 18. Their house was interesting. They had two sets of fences (barriers) inside their living area (family). The fence was partial and in the way. I also recall a part of the dream where I was taking 2-liter bottles of soda that were attached at the middle and cutting them in half (disconnecting from a part of myself). I then put cellophane over the one on the left and stuck it into a deep freeze (suppression). I never drank the one on the right.

Then there was a dream where I was at this farm house. There were tall, chain link fences around it (feeling fenced in) but I could get in and out at certain openings (only certain exits). I watched as the owner and his family harvested their crop – ginger (security and comfort). It was in rows (feeling reserved). The plant itself looked like tall grass (reliance, security). Cows (dependence and family) came after and ate the ginger. I remember wondering why they would let cows eat their crop like that.

Still yet in another dream I had driven to the beach (transition between spiritual/physical) and parked. I ended up in the water (emotion) and a wave came and washed me out toward a small waterfall (letting go). I went under the water where I saw clearly hundreds of small, starfish (decisions) shaped sponges (over dependency on others). They were pink and sparkled (attractive to me). When I touched them though they shocked me horribly (sudden awareness) and so I tried to avoid them. Someone was talking to me while I swam showing me where to go to avoid being shocked. When I made it to the surface there was a man waiting. I found that he had taken my white convertible (power) for a joy ride. He left all my stuff, though, even a large amount of cash (quest for love/power). He had a convertible of his own only it was black (unknown path). I remember climbing into it (making a choice) and asking why he didn’t take my stuff and being very firm with him about his decision to steal my car.

Message

When I awoke I had an odd feeling that is hard to describe. I then saw a vision of a ticket, like to go to a show. The end tab was torn, so the ticket was “validated”. The ticket itself said, “Skyrocket” and had an image of a rocket taking off. When I saw it I knew the message was I was about to skyrocket. For some reason I did not see this as a positive message but as more of a fateful one. I knew that despite my deciding to stick with the life I have, to enjoy it and the security it offered, things were about to shift and the direction they would take me would propel me with great velocity.

It seems that the message is, “Yes you always have a choice but sometimes the choice is already made for you by your Self. In such cases the self has little or no say in the events that follow. The choice then is to resist or allow. So in this sense there is choice, though it may not seem so.”

The message continued with:

This life experience is a joint effort between Self and self. The Self is the path-paver. The self then walks the paved path, partaking in what the path has to offer along the way. The self perceives as it chooses. It creates the weather, chooses the pit stops and the company it keeps. The Self then adjusts the path it is paving to accommodate the self’s choices because sometimes the self wanders in circles or ends up going backward. In such cases a “dead end” will be constructed and other detours created to get the self back on the desired path. In a sense, the self can seem to be blindfolded in that it does not always see the path it is on as it was paved. This is where perception comes into play. If the Self has good working control of the self, as it should, there will be no blindfold but a good sense of where the path is and how to follow it.

You might think that I would wake in a bad mood because of a message like this. It seems to be saying, “Sorry, but you really have no say in this matter. The path has been chosen and now you get to walk it.” In the past I may have argued this with great gusto, saying, “You wanna bet? I will show you!” Ha!

Now I am more like, “Okay. I understand. I see my options clearly. I can choose to avoid, resist, and complicate the path ahead. Or I can choose to allow and follow it to where it leads me. I know that I may not like what lies ahead. I know that the path is likely to take me through desolate territory, through rugged terrain and into uncharted territory. I also know that it will take me through fields of green, snow topped mountains and beautiful beaches. The good thing is that the path has been paved and so I don’t have to worry about it being there. I can trust that it is. This is a huge relief. I don’t have to figure it all out by myself. All I have to do is follow what is already there.”

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Messages: Ezekiel and Echelon

I awoke in tears again this morning from dreams that should not have brought on tears. I am at a loss. The feeling of grief is so strong and so real yet I have no idea where it is coming from. It is like I am purging someone else’s emotions and issues.

The dreams I had could be a part of the emotion but it is hard to say. Rather than go into detail about them I will say it appears that I was discussing specific issues on Earth. Specifically the issues I recall covering were education and politics. One conversation I had with someone was about children refusing to participate in the education system – refusing to go to school, refusing to do their lessons – outright rebellion of anything and everything related to the education mandate. This rebellion was widespread resulting in empty classrooms and an increase in petty crime and vandalism. A woman was asking me for my help and opinion on what to do about it. I said something that surprised me. I said,”Let them rebel. When we tie education to citizenship they will change their minds. The uneducated cannot participate or have a say in their own government.” Another dream was also about education and the struggle of teens in the education system. It was like an overview of why the teens began to rebel. They felt unsafe and unable to do anything about it.

Yet when I awoke it was not the dreams themselves that incited the emotion but instead a feeling that Earth was a total mess and could not be salvaged. A feeling that some major changes were on the horizon. Upheaval, destruction, war, plague, etc. Not all at once but it felt like something drastic had to be done as a “reset” and so it would be done because it was the only way.

I am not sure why I am being pummeled with this emotion, this intense grief. It is as if I am being briefed on the state of the planet, at least that is how it felt this morning. My own issues do not seem to be the source of what I am feeling right now.

I heard last night as I was drifting to sleep, “You do not have a past anymore. You have only a future.” And this morning, the messages that came through added to the mysteriousness of last night’s message. I heard, “Adzekiel”. This is a name I have heard before and I recognized it. Though I cannot find Adzekiel online as an angel, I know the name represents the angel Ezekiel, the angel of transformation. Adzekiel is also mentioned in this blog in February, 2016,

As I began to drift back to sleep I saw a birthday cake with candles and saw a 23. This reminded me of my husband’s birthday, May 23. He will be out of town that day, though. Why was I being shown this?

Of course this brought me out of the dream and into the in-between where I entered into a moving vision. In it I saw what appeared to be streamers of light traveling from space to Earth. Their source appeared to be a ship but it was on the edge of my vision and my focus was on the streamers of Light. When I saw them I thought, “Starseeds”. There were thousands of them. I thought, “I am one of them.” Then I was brought out of the in-between when I heard, “The Echelons are awaiting your arrival.”

This morning I was curious so Googled echelon as soon as I could. I stumbled upon this article: An Explanation of the Order of Melchizedek.  When I read the first few paragraphs and got to the part that said the first echelon is known as the “Clarion Call” I knew this article was meant for me to read. Too many syncs for me to dismiss it.

The entire first echelon is called the “Clarion Call” -the call to the heart. It bears witness to the large number of souls awakening at this time to bring forth the fruit of man’s potential. Levels one through six in this echelon are for those who “get” that there is something to this spiritual awakening process within them. These individuals have committed to looking further within themselves for more. Levels six through nine recognize the power of the clarion call and what it truly means. These neophytes commit themselves entirely in service to the clarion call for humanity. Levels nine through twelve know there is no turning back. These initiates completely dedicate their lives to fulfilling their potential of becoming “Godman” or an Ascended Master.

Not only have I received the message “Clarion Call” several times but I have also felt it and its power. I have also received the message about reaching a “point of no return” and been told many times, “There is no turning back.” Ha!

Echelon two is as they say “another ball of wax entirely”. The first three levels that are presently available to be initiated into are guaranteed to bring up all your survival issues. The first level is called The Gate. This initiation will bring up all your demons that your thoughts and emotions subconsciously create. The second level is called the Red Feather of Courage. To be initiated into this level you must have the courage and be willing to stand firm in service for God. Expect to be shunned, ignored, and ridiculed for your good deeds. The third level is called the Floor of Malkuth. Here you must symbolically be able to stand equally on the black tiles as the white. What this means is that the initiate must so profoundly master their thoughts and emotions, all levels of good and bad or evil become equalized and divine. Again, in this initiation you can expect all illusions of what you believe to be bad will manifest in your life to be re-qualified. To pass this level, you will need to see only good, at all times.

I am not sure I want to visit echelon two, especially the first level, “The Gate”. Would you? lol

Of course the echelons could be a group or fleet of ships as is one of the definitions – a formation of troops, ships, aircraft, or vehicles in parallel rows with the end of each row projecting further than the one in front. But who knows. I sometimes wish that these strange messages would be withheld from me.

Back to the angel Ezekiel. This is the second morning that the name came to mind when I awoke. I understand that I am in the midst of a powerful transformation and I can feel change approaching. I have also received messages to that extent, specifically angel number 53 most recently number 25. I even had a profound Knowing to expect major upheaval in my life soon; that all things related to my current identity will be dismantled one by one. Ouch!

To receive these messages and profound Knowing is not easy nor preferred. Like the article about Ezekiel says: “Change is at times an overwhelming concept. If you let go of something even if you are not happy with it, then what will happen? The unknown causes many people to become stuck, to freeze in place even though they do not like where they are. They would rather be unhappy than face the unknown.” These words describe me in a nutshell – frozen in place, choosing to stay the same rather than venture into the unknown.

No wonder I am waking up in grief all the time. Look at what I am being prepared for!

 

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Dream Meeting and 2 OBEs

Yesterday I was hit once again with emotional and physical purging. I didn’t start feeling better until evening. This morning I feel much more like myself. No crying upon waking. In fact, the opposite. A smile in response to a nice OBE.

Dream: Music Discussion

I had a very long dream discussion with a friend. It began with me taking a job as a teaching assistant at an elementary school. I remember little about this part but I do recall that the school had been flooded but the water had receded in the room I was in. I also recall my pay was $8.20/hr.

A man came into the classroom at one point and began talking to me and asking me questions. He was studying music and wanted to know about my music background. We talked about the classes he would need to take and what was involved. I told him I only got a minor in music and went on and on about my school experiences with it. He asked me what instrument I played and I told him, “I don’t. I sing.” We did briefly discuss my playing the saxophone in high school, though. Then I went into detail about my upbringing, my mom, our musical family, and my love of singing. He told me he was looking into music’s applications in spirituality and consciousness expansion which was fascinating to me as well. We discussed brainwave frequencies and their proven effectiveness at shifting a person into the theta and delta brain-wave states. This was his main focus and the discussion seemed to go in this direction for a while but I can’t recall it.

The entire time the man kept sending me a feeling that he wanted to get to know me more intimately.  At first I just kept my distance but it didn’t keep him away. He began to invade my personal space. I kept looking at him to try and figure out who he was. He looked familiar but I could not get a good look because his face was shifty. I only saw his dark hair. At one point he looked deeply into my eyes and said, “Your eyes are SO blue.” I looked back into his brown eyes and thought, “Your eyes are so brown.” lol I never said it aloud, though. Eventually, he got so close that by the end of our conversation we were laying next to each other, his legs and mine intertwined. I remember feeling odd and uncomfortable about the situation but not fighting it.

Messages

When I woke up I knew who the man was and was surprised I recalled so much of our conversation. I asked my guidance about it and shifted into the in-between. I remember seeing and hearing a phone number: 555-666-7777. I also remember hearing, “Three weeks.” There was some sudden Knowing mixed in here, too.

OBE: Open Window

At some point while in the in-between and conversing with my Companion I realized that I could exit my body. I am not sure what triggered my awareness but it was instantaneous. There is a brief feeling of being fully awake that precedes this and a confusion from it because my surroundings were not right.

I move away from my body as soon as I know I am OOB. I do not feel any sensation of exit because I am in a fully lucid experience. I assume I exited a some point after entering the in-between. Immediately I feel super happy. The room is very brightly lit and I recognize it as my old bedroom at my mother’s house. I head toward the window but feel my energy lagging. It feels like my energy is surging but unbalanced and I recognize this. I say aloud, “I am not my body.” I’m not sure why I say this but it helps and I grab onto the window to slide it open worrying briefly that it will be locked. To my delight it opens easily and I poke my head through the opening and take it the brilliant blue sky and greenery of outside.

I am still talking to my Companion the entire time I am OOB. I am super excited and saying, “Look! I did it! I am out of my body!” I laugh at this because it is not a big deal, I do it all the time, but for some reason I felt super accomplished and wanted to share this with him. I don’t see my Companion, though, I just feel his presence.

As I attempt to crawl through the window I have an energy surge and recognize that afterward I am liable to be sucked back into my body. I request clarity and remind myself not to over exert myself because I am still too close to my body. Unfortunately, when I lift myself up into the window a surge of energy hits me and I suddenly feel extremely heavy and cumbersome. I am sucked back into my body before I have a chance to stabilize.

In-Between

I enter into the in-between for a little while after I return to my body. There is a brief memory of seeing that the sun is still not up. I sit up and look at my bedroom window to check. Whether this is a physical memory or an OOB one, I am unsure.

The conversation with my Companion continues while I am in the in-between. We are talking about my current situation, the “preparation” I have been doing and the feelings that I am sorting through. I can’t make sense of the feelings I am having as they don’t seem to apply to me. I request to be balanced and happy again, like I was just a few weeks ago. I tell him I am tired of the sickness and purging. There is profound understanding and clarity during this time. I wish I could remember all that we talked about but it was not in words but in feelings.

There was a flash of 1111 during this time and I remember being told, “You are right on schedule” and me saying, “Really?” Then I recall being given a black jacket that resembled a tight-fitting sweater. I was told, “Wear it. You need protection.” I put it on without hesitation and did not seem to recognize the message for what it was.

OBE: Kisses

At some point I recognize I am still OOB. When I do, I look around me and recognize my old bedroom. What is odd is that my current bed is in the room, too. It’s like the two realities – past and present – are superimposed. I even see both sets of windows. Everything is dark and shifty, though, meaning my mental vision predominates not that I am in the etheric. I have no energy issues this time and feel wonderful and balanced.

I am standing at the foot of my current bed in the space near the foot of my old bed. In front of me is a man. He is taller than me, my head reaches just below his chin. He has brown hair and eyes. When I see him I am elated and wrap my arms around him. He hugs me back and then keeps me close, hands on my waist. I look up at him and take a good look. He looks vaguely familiar but I can’t place him. Is he wearing glasses? I see a glimmer of metal rimmed glasses I think but then they disappear.

What he looks like doesn’t matter, though. It is how he feels that tells me I know him. I say to him, “Hey you!” He looks at me and says, “Hey” and smiles warmly. I am so terribly excited that I grab his face and pull it toward me and kiss him. He kisses back and we kiss each other for a while. It’s not a make-out session but the kisses are passionate and eager, like we haven’t seen each other in a while. I can feel everything about it – him holding me, his warmth, his lips, the love, the friendship. It is so real I am surprised I didn’t wake up!

He turns his face away from mine and interrupts our kisses. I want to keep kissing and feel a bit out of breath. I don’t feel any arousal but there is that desperate wanting for more feeling lingering.

Meanwhile he is focusing on my left arm. He gently slides his right hand down from the elbow and interlaces his right hand into my left. He holds it there and I feel he does this purposefully. I am grateful because my heart chakra is starting to stir along with all the lower chakras. It is slight but there. I look up at him still trying to figure out who he is because I keep feeling like he is my husband but he doesn’t look anything like him. I ask him, “Are you_____ or ______?” He smiles and says, “You know who I am.”

When he said that to me I became very aware and came back to my body. My heart was warm in my chest by this time and my root had a slight swirl of energy. The warmth remained in my heart for a while after waking. Since I have not felt that kind of warmth in my chest for a while (not the heart fire but the bliss), I was pleased. What a nice gift. SO much better than waking up in tears.

 

 

 

 

 

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Identity

I was hit hard with emotion last night. Woke up three times in tears. None of the dreams really make much sense but I remember every one of them.

Dream: Returning the Hostages

There is a whole backstory to this dream that I will shorten. I didn’t dream it. I knew it in the dream. A group of colonists had encountered a group of Natives. The Natives took a woman and her daughter and the colonists were up in arms over it. Where I recall the dream is when the exchange occurred. The colonists were handing over two wolves in exchange for the woman and child. I remember the wolves most vividly. They were snarling and nasty and seemed almost like trained attack dogs the way they acted. I don’t remember seeing the woman and child. My focus was on the Natives for the most part.

What is odd is that I was able to take on the perspectives of both groups. I could feel the colonist’s outrage and how they thought the Natives inhuman savages. Similarly, I could feel the Natives and their upset over the colonist’s insistence that they return the woman and child. They believed they were helping the woman and child, not abducting them.

I don’t remember what triggered the tears (the wolves?) but I woke up sobbing. It was a heart-wrenching grief that seemed to have no source.

Dream: Funeral

I was attending a funeral in Katy, Texas for a woman who had died. I remember following a road and hearing about her life and all the people who would miss her. There was an old man with me who was talking but I only recall him as a presence.

We arrived at the burial. It was under a huge tent and people crowded around. Part of the ceremony involved everyone sharing a memory of her. I heard them all and there were more than I could count. Hundreds maybe.

The lady who had died, I think her name was Geraldine, had asked that 100 balloons be released after she was buried. Everyone held a balloon and began to let them go one by one. I backed up and out from under the tent. I could feel a light rain on my shoulders but the sun was shining. I looked up in the sky watching as the balloons were released. They were all colors. Some in bunches and some singletons. It was the most spectacular site.

Then came the feeling. It is indescribable really but if I had to compare it to something it would be akin to the feeling one has after they have traveled a very a long, lonely and difficult journey and finally made it back home to the ones they love. It was pure jubilation mixed with an overwhelming sense of freedom and peace. And there was love coming from every single person there. The love from them all hit me full in the chest. It said, “Welcome home. You are loved.” I stood there, letting the love in, sobbing uncontrollably. I saw the balloons in the sky begin to morph into the forms of animals as I cried. They seemed to come to life and run across the sky. The last ones I saw looked to be from the ocean – sharks, fish, sting rays, etc.

When I woke I was crying uncontrollably. I couldn’t understand it. I asked my guidance, “What is happening to me?” It felt as if I was being called. It felt like I was holding on, not letting go. I was beside myself with upset. Why can’t I let go?

Dream: Beach

I was standing and facing the ocean. The beach and cloudless seemed to go forever in both directions. I wanted to run into the water but I didn’t. I just stared at it. I could feel people around me but I couldn’t see them. I asked to see them. An outline of a person appeared to my right. I could see right through him but I could also see him. When I saw him I hugged him. I heard, “You have to let go.” I began to feel emotional. It was like I was grieving but I don’t know what for. Then I felt the others around me. There were thousands all there on the beach with me. All of them completely see-through, as if they were one with the surroundings but I could also see the outline of each of their forms. It felt like they wanted me to go into the ocean. To let it take me. To drown. To surrender completely to it.

I began to cry again and it woke me up. The tears stopped and I was confused. I asked again, “What is going on?” I heard, “Identity.” Then I knew. I have to surrender it all. To let go of everything, even my own identity. How do I even do that?

Identity

After I awoke I lost a good portion of what I had dreamed. This is common-place for me now. I don’t know why but my dreams just don’t stick around like they use to. It’s okay, though. I am not needing to remember them really. Once I wake and shift back into this reality all that goes along with my dream experiences – the crying, grief, upset – disappears as if it was never there. What remains is a feeling that something profound is on the horizon for me and many others like me. This is intensely transformative stuff. The kind that leaves in its wake change and movement like never before.

I received the message, “Identity”, a few nights ago as well. I didn’t know what to think of it. At the time I thought it meant that I was taking on a new identity. Now I know it means I have to strip myself of my identity. But how do I do that? Without identity what is left? Nothingness?

I suppose it would be the same as when one dies. When we die we leave behind the person we were in life. We discard it completely. But then that is a normal part of the process right? But if we are not actually experiencing the loss of our physical body then would it even be possible to discard the identity connected to it? And then, say we were able to do that, what then?

As I write this I am reminded that a portion of a song came to mind this morning when I was wondering what was going on. It’s from the Ingrid Michaelson song Afterlife again but the only part I heard was, “To live a brand new start.” I suppose that we have to let go of the identity we created in order to start over, to live a new life. Why does that scare me so much? Ugh.

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Molting

Sorry I’ve been so quiet. I’ve been struggling through an intense physical and emotional purging these last six days or so. It all was building up prior to that but got especially intense around May 1st.

As I mentioned previously, I have been struggling with a string of illnesses. First a lingering head cold (which is STILL lingering) and then intestinal complications that stretched out for days. Well, that wasn’t the end of it. My entire family got a nasty stomach bug. It started with my son Sunday night and on Tuesday the rest of us got it one-by-one within hours of each other. I had naively thought I was immune, assuming I was the one who gave it to the rest of the family so was surprised when I came down with it.

Every time I get the stomach bug I think it is the worst. The last time I had it I was five months pregnant with my youngest (over 3 years ago). Pregnant with the stomach bug is awful and potentially dangerous. I thought at the time it was the worst I had ever felt. Well, I was wrong. This hit me so hard and so violently that I nearly passed out. Twice. I was sweating profusely, my head felt ice cold, I couldn’t see and when I could see the room was spinning and I couldn’t judge distance properly. It literally seemed at the time that I was about to be sucked into an abyss where death was awaiting me. And then after the vomiting stage was over I was extremely weak to the point that walking a few steps would incite dizziness, rapid heartbeat, and breathlessness.

Through all of it I was still coughing, courtesy of the ever-lingering cold that doesn’t go away.

To top it all I got an awful sore throat the day after the stomach bug. Thankfully that has now subsided.

Amidst all of this illness I went through a gauntlet of emotional upheaval. Mostly the emotional purging occurred during sleep. I would wake up crying, sometimes multiple times in one night, from dreams that often disappeared as soon as I tried to recall them. If I did recall them, the dreams were confusing or linked to past experiences that I thought I had long put behind me.

To top it all off, the Kundalini has been active. This time, however, it has been painful, or at least what I recall of it has been. It started out with just some energy fluctuations and surges. Then I got sick. Since the stomach flu I have now had two instances where I have experienced pain from the Kundalini energy. It feels like someone sticks their hand into a chakra and then twists forcefully. The specific areas of this pain are the root, sacral and solar plexus.

This is the first time I have had physical illness mixed in with an intense emotional purging. The two together are extreme but not as bad as last November and December.

On to the Next Section – The Molt

So what is going on? This is the Reset I wrote about last week. Clearing out lingering blockages in preparation for whatever comes next. All of the emotional purging is to clear away the last vestiges of the False Self. Those patterns, beliefs and falsehoods that are the basis of the illusory reality it clings to. And man oh man am I ever hanging on.

This is also the result of the next section of the Equinox Portal that is available to us through mid-summer. I am told there are two in this month alone, with the third opening just as May ends and June begins. One right after the other. I am not sure I can handle it if it is more of what I just went though, though. This is intense! Yet I know it needs to be this intense to release the vice grip of the False Self. I see an image of a hand holding tightly to something and another hand releasing the grip finger by finger.

All in all I feel like I am in my death throes. I wake up most mornings thinking, “I am dying.” I even had a dream where I was in a hospital talking to a nurse whose job it was to educate the dying on the death process. WTF right!? During the day I often feel like my body is dying, too. It is a very real feeling but then at the same time I am not concerned one bit. Totally accepting of whatever fate awaits me. It is like I am molting, shedding my human skin.

 

Trooper

Me and my dog Trooper in December 2002.

 

Dreams

Here are some examples of the dreams I’ve been having, the ones I have recalled that is:

I am my sister talking to my mother. I am telling her I can’t stay very long and I only came to check-in and see how everyone is doing. I am asked to stay and I begin to cry. I wake up crying and feeling as if I am dying from the inside out.

I am with my aunt in a darkened library. I am crying and hysterical. I ask her to help me. I say, “Why is he here? I just want him to go away and leave me alone. Make him go away!” She says, “Remember when I visited 10 weeks ago? It was nice, wasn’t it?” I stop crying and smile and say, “Yes, it was.” Then I return to crying. I feel beside myself with angst. I wake up in tears. My pillow is soaked.

I was inside a car with someone who I couldn’t see but knew was a woman. There was a tiny brown snake that resembled a large worm in the crease of the seat. Then there were many little worm-like snakes all over. I knew they were extremely poisonous so was using scientific-looking tongs to pick them off one-by-one.

I was sitting on my bed clearing dirt off of it with my hands. I noticed my dog Trooper in the room. I went up to him and hugged him close. He felt skinny and fragile. He stared into my eyes for a long time and I knew he was communicating with me. He was telling me he was sick, that he didn’t feel good and that it was time for him to go (to die).” I hugged him close again and thought, “It’s okay if you want to go. I will be alright.” But instead I looked into his eyes and said, “Thank you for being my companion.”

I woke up crying but understood that this was him showing me that in life he had also stared at me and communicated the same message. I had given him what he wanted. Sometimes when we think we are hurting another we are actually helping them.

 

 

fidgetspinner

Fidget Spinner in action. See the Vesica Pisces? 

 

Signs and Symbols

Angel number 53 – Received over a week ago. Preparing me for “change” and “major life challenges”.
Angel number 250 – Received this morning. Unexpected good is coming from unexpected sources.
Dead Dove – Received before stomach flu (May 1st). A dove flew into bedroom window and died on the spot. Symbol of lost love, endings.
Vesica Pisces – Kids got Fidget Spinners. When I played with one I saw it formed a Vesica Pisces and knew it was a message.
Sun and Moon – Seeing the sun and moon right next to each other in the sky.
11, 111, & 1111 – A near constant right now, especially 11 and 111.

 

 

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Another Reset and June Graduation

Despite feeling better, I still have lingering cold symptoms that just will not go away. It would be nice to feel 100% again. This prolonged illness is taking its toll on me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Since I felt better yesterday I attempted a trip to the gym. It didn’t go well and I had to come home early. It wiped me out. However, on the way home a familiar song came on that made me smile. You may know it if you are a child of the 80’s like I am. 🙂

Instantly I was taken to a time and place I had long ago forgotten. At that time in my life, my parents were divorced and my dad would take us on the weekends. He often took us to a particular skating rink. I’m not sure but I think he may have been part owner of it which makes sense because he was dabbling in many business ventures at the time. Anyway, I literally felt transported to a moment in my life around 1985. I was on the skating rink, multicolored lights were flashing and I could hear the above song playing loudly. It was just a brief moment from my life back then but it was vividly clear. One of those brief childhood reprieves in a very tumultuous time in my life. I can still remember everything about that skating rink from the rink itself to the arcade and the skate rental. My dad would leave us there all day while he went off and did others things. And even though I was especially traumatized during that time in my life (emotionally disturbed even) that memory is a cherished one.

I don’t know about you, but for me, each phase of my life has music attached to it in some way. Like the song above, that particular time in my life – 7-9yrs old, parents divorcing, moving to a new home, etc – is accompanied by specific music. When I hear the music it takes me back almost instantly to that time in my life. It is like I organize and categorize my life based upon the music I listened to. lol As I get older it seems to be even more pronounced. I even adjust my Ipod music selection now intentionally to block or encourage certain memories/life phases. When I feel I am ready to let go of a certain time, I delete all songs connected to it. Then later, when I feel ready to reminisce or when it is time to deal with whatever is left of those times, I find myself drawn to play songs from that time period again. When the emotional reaction to the music is gone, meaning I can listen and just enjoy the music for what it is, then I know I have handled whatever lingering issues there are from those time periods. The fact that I smiled when I heard the above song is positive. That was a very, very rough time in my life. Horrible, actually.

Avoidance

As you may have figured from yesterday’s post, my guidance is pushing me to action again. Action meaning that I need to make some changes in my life. I am hearing specifically, “What do you want?”, “Think about your life”, “It is TIME” and my favorite (not), “Are you ready to work?”

All of these except the last were common messages from my guidance back in 2011-2013. Back then I was in an especially horrible work situation, family and marriage were in upheaval, and I was miserable. It was like a mini-mid-life crisis. Just thinking about this time period and I get a song in my mind (yep!). This particular song was, It’s Time by Imagine Dragons. There’s that message literally in my face – IT’S TIME.

A little about me. 🙂 When I get to where I feel unhappy, bored or just generally dissatisfied with my life I typically bring in more doingness as a distraction. At that time I opted to get my Master’s degree and start weight lifting and transforming my body. I was doing this all with two young children, working a full-time stressful job, and other issues I was unwilling to confront. I tend to get myself so busy that I have no time to think or contemplate. It’s a great avoidance technique.

So where did this avoidance get me? Nowhere really. Yeah, I got a master’s degree which got me out of my stressful job situation only to lead me smack dab into another one. lol I also got a great looking fit, healthy body only to end up unexpectedly pregnant. Big LOL. All my hard work only led me back to where I started.

Back to present day. Here I am receiving similar messages. Here I am feeling similarly about my life. Here. I. Am. WTF, right?

We repeat lessons until they are learned. In fact, just yesterday I was thinking, “I need to find something to fill my time. To keep me occupied.” This is my avoidance technique at its best. In fact yesterday I was thinking, “Maybe I should look for a full-time job.” But just the idea of it made me feel exhausted and deflated. In the past I would steamroll over such a feeling. Now I can’t do that. How do you steamroll over a huge wall?

Since my normal avoidance techniques don’t seem to be working I am left not really knowing what to do. Maybe that is the point.

Reset

So to the heading of this section: Reset. It just came to me out of the blue and I thought that maybe I should check and see how many times I have written about a reset in this blog. Turns out it’s 2. And guess what? They are all spaced about a year apart from each other. Take a look: January 2015 and March 2016. HA! And I’m pretty sure I wrote about a reset in my older blog, I just couldn’t find it under that keyword and I’m too lazy to look further.

Last year I had been sick and going through a reset. It was caused by the Kundalini. In fact, both reset periods were linked to the Kundalini. I suspect this one is, too. I don’t remember any significant Kundalini episodes but this is likely because I have been sleeping so deeply. All I can remember is my root expanding once and some hazy recollections of energy in my upper chakras.

When I go through these periods my spiritual experiences slow down and I usually end up feeling similar to how I feel right now. Message: This is just a phase and it will not last forever. Allow it and breathe.

mailbox-green1

Dream: June Graduation

One more thing. I had a brief dream this morning. In it I was at my mom’s house but my sister and her husband had built a house close by. I was obviously confronting a potential outcome of the current situation, that my mom will give in and build my sister and her family a home next to theirs. She actually mentioned this to me the last time I visited. I was telling my mom in the dream that she was enabling them and I was feeling very disturbed by how things were unfolding.

Then I was with my brother up by the front gate of my grandparent’s property. We were looking at a green mailbox and talking. He held up in front of me a giant calendar. It was as tall as he was and very vivid. The calendar front had information about his upcoming graduation on it. The calendar itself was of the month of June and the majority of the month was blocked out except for the last four days. I could see those days distinctly and knew these were the days of the graduation preparations and commencement.

Green mailbox – An important message is about to be received. Green = positive change and hope.

When I woke up the first thing on my mind was knowing that my sister and her family would likely be living on my mother’s property permanently. I wanted to be pissed about it but immediately thought, “That is likely what my sisters thought about me when my mom gave me 2 acres next to her and I built a home and linked to her water well.” My upset dissolved and I was just left with a sadness for the situation that I knew was about to unfold. I saw how my mom needed to feel needed and my sister provided her with that. A lesson was unfolding for them and it was none of my business. In fact, at that moment I thought that I could completely disconnect from my family – mom, sisters, cousins, etc – and not have any issue with it. I wanted to move out of state and never come back and this was not to punish them but because I felt done. Weird.

Then I considered the part of the dream with my brother. I know without a doubt it was not my brother. No way. The person he represented and resembles is “family” and like my “brother”, though. And apparently he is going to “graduate” in June.

For some reason I got grumpy about this information. Maybe because it is two months away? I began to mull over disconnecting completely from this spiritual path again. Like I did in 2007. Just a total break; a hiatus. Feelings of disappointment were hard to push away. The Ego-child emerged and threw her tantrum. She is very impatient and when what she Knows and wants do not happen fast enough, she gets grumpy.

As I was feeling these feelings parts of songs came into my mind and I lightened up as I acknowledged them. The first was part of the above song – “Don’t you remember….” This repeated over and over. Okay. No, I don’t (curse word) remember! Then later I heard, “You and me, we got this. You and me we’re beautiful, beautiful….We’re gonna be alright.”

When I heard this I fell into my heart space and took a deep breath. It can be so hard to trust and so hard to navigate this life. Time is a curse to the impatient (like me).

So to my “brother” – the last four days in June are significant. You will “graduate”.