Category Archives: Ascension

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A Step Towards Wholeness

I am noticing some changes in myself lately. Not just energetic, which there are plenty of, but also personality-wise.

Energetically it feels like my entire energy body is getting an overhaul. I have felt every.single.chakra on and off for the past week non-stop. Usually it is my heart, throat and solar plexus, but the others join in as well. My lower chakras were really beginning to become a physical issue because my stomach and digestive tract went completely haywire. I felt like I had the stomach flu without the nausea. Just icky, bloated, and crampy. I also had indigestion out of the blue. Thankfully this has all passed and seems to be back in balance. Earlier this week, while driving home, my third-eye turned on for no apparent reason and I began to feel like I was ten times larger than I normally am. Why does this stuff happen while I am driving?

Personality-wise I feel very balanced and centered almost all the time lately. I feel as if my guidance is pouring through me, like I am living my guidance…hard to put it into words. My heart has been central to this. It feels like my high heart especially has a role in this shift.

One of the things I have noticed is that I can tell when a major purge is about to occur. Today I recognized one is forthcoming. The Kundalini seems to go in like a scrub brush and scour the meridians and chakras until there is enough residue from the scouring that it needs to be flushed. Then the flush comes. Whoosh! One day this week I felt a shift in my energy body specifically, like my body, my energy, was speaking to me. Very interesting I must say.

Finally, there have been some instances of clarity that surprise me. For example, one night while spending some time with my husband I recognized that I am wanting something from him that he may not be able to give me or perhaps I am not able to allow – I’m not sure yet. I want to trust him, to be able to give of myself to him completely, but feel unable to do this because there is something in the way. Is it old programming on my part? His part? Both?

When I first recognized this feeling it was surprising to me and caught me off guard. After some time to digest it, I have come to realize it goes with the balancing of the masculine and feminine. What I felt was, in essence, the emergence of my feminine side and her desire to have a strong, masculine presence take action. This feeling manifested in a strong willingness to completely let go and submit to the masculine energy. Yet, in the face of my husband, I retreated from it because there was an identification of his inability to be this strong, decisive, action-oriented force in my life. Additionally, I withdrew because I am unable to fully trust myself to his care. Yet that is what I desired. I felt very much like a child eager to be guided by a parent. I was/am ready to receive, which for most of the life has not been my strong point.

Just in recognizing that my true nature is revealing itself has me emotional and I am not rejecting of it in myself. The feminine is about receptivity and surrender, about creativity, intuition, patience and allowance. The fact that I desire to be this and that I am looking to receive what a masculine energy has to offer is a relief to me. In itself, this development indicates that I am changing, I am becoming more balanced and I am shifting into Wholeness.

As time passes, the desire to have this balance in my life remains. I have touched on a part of myself that has been in hiding a long time. I was raised to be both the man and the woman in my life, to never trust a man. So, I have never truly allowed myself to receive and fully surrender to a man because of a fear that if I do, I will be taken advantage of, hurt, or worse. This is most apparent during intimate moments with men in my life. So it is fitting that such a moment would show me with great clarity what I have been missing.

What does this mean for me? I’m told it is a step towards total integration. Prior to this point in my life, I think I would have been freaked out by such a “weak” reaction in myself. Just being able to recognize and embrace my reaction is an accomplishment for me. Now, if only I could take the plunge and truly surrender.

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Going Down

The pummeling continues for me. Apparently I am not alone. Though I don’t have much time lately to peruse the articles on the internet, I am occasionally drawn to one to confirm whatever it is that has briefly crossed my mind. I ran across this one today and the map pictured in it pulled me in. It reminded me of a dream I had a few nights ago in which I was being shown power spots in the U.S. Mt. Shasta was one of those. I also saw other locations spread across the globe. The description of the energies in this post also hit home. I am suffering. Still. Thankfully I don’t have body issues. Mine is all emotional. It is like my empathic side is super charged. I don’t like it.

Yesterday it seemed like all was back to “normal” for a while. I went for an hour long run with my husband. We talked the entire time. It was pleasant and I had more energy than I thought I would. The day was beautiful. Clear blue skies, cool temperatures, just a nice day. When I got home I felt very grounded and stable. I thought maybe the upheaval I have been experiencing was over. Yet I knew with that thought that it wasn’t.

Dream: U-Turn

I was driving along a busy highway. There were more lanes than I could count and it was night and the headlights of thousands of cars filled my vision. I was not in a car, I was flying at very high speeds. For some reason, I felt I had missed my exit. I couldn’t figure out where I was. Everything was foreign to me. I determined that I was going the wrong way and so suddenly turned around, making a u-turn into the lanes going the opposite direction. No headlights were on that side. It was clear.

I turned quickly and with too much speed but managed to go the other way. Several people stopped me, asking if I was okay. I said I was and kept going. Yet when I began to look for the right exit, I found I was in the wrong place. My exit was going the other way. This confused me even more.

Dream: Going Down

I must have exited and found myself inside a building with many levels. There was a restaurant and the floors were uneven with many levels of their own. I ended up in front of a row of elevators. I was told some were not working properly. I watched three doors open. Doors 3, 4 and 5. The problem was that once the doors closed they would not go in the direction intended and you may end up trapped inside. Despite this, I saw my middle son get in. The door closed and when he came out his clothes were gone and he was completely naked. The same thing happened to others who got in. Completely naked.

I saw one elevator open to the level on the other side. A man went in and ran across. When he made it to the other side he was burned, a big, red circle on his midsection. It was clear to me these elevators were not normal. I asked how we would be able to get up to the higher floors. I was told, “These elevators are going down. We are already on the top floor.” In my mind I saw that they descended hundreds of floors down, into a space that was beyond my comprehension. I knew I had to choose one and allow it to take me down. I was afraid.

At My Limit

When I awoke from these dreams I was disoriented. It reminded me of experiences I have been having when I drive lately. I will find myself driving along and suddenly not know where I am. I will panic and it takes time to figure out where I am. The first time this happened it was on a drive to my Mom’s at Thanksgiving. Since then, whenever I drive I worry it will happen again and many times it does making it that much scarier to be behind the wheel. The lights of the cars blend together and I feel disoriented and confused. It is like I am a new driver and am not sure I can drive a car.

I burst into tears because this feeling is how my life feels right now. It is like when I went scuba diving at night. It is the most disorienting thing. You can’t determine which way is up, down, east, west. The blackness is scary and you freeze because you don’t know where to go or where it will lead you.

I spent a good hour this morning in bed crying. Crying because nothing makes sense and I can’t figure out what to do. The counselor side of me kicked in, though, and I understood why my guidance keeps suggesting that I dive into my 3D life. My job and my kids right now are my only stable ground. Take one or both of those away and I am sure I would crash into a psychotic break or worse. Without these responsibilities to push me out of bed every morning, I don’t know where I would be right now. Not a good place, I’m sure.

This is by far the worst time in my life to date. I can’t stress how bad I am/feel. Inside. On the outside, I look fine. I’m good at faking it. An old pro. But this is pushing me to my breaking point. I don’t know what that will look like. Ugly probably.

Even at work today I had to hide many times throughout the day. This is not the first time, either. It’s an on-again, off-again cycle. Good day. Brutal day. Okay day. Brutal day. So even immersion in 3D is not doing me much good now.

Guidance

My guidance is not helping much. Lately they have been saying, “We can’t interfere.” The only constant is that whatever this is will pass and on the other side things will be “clear”. They did say I am delving deep into the subconscious, into uncharted territory. Whatever it is that I am digging up is really heavy stuff. I wish I could make sense of it, but then I would have to have energy to do that. Right now I am exhausted. All the life has been sucked out of me.

These two songs have been helpful lately. Music and art have been my saviors. Any creative outlet helps. So if you are going through something like I am, create something. Anything. It makes the pain bearable.

Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light….. 🙂

 

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Dream: Standing Rock

Prior to the string of OBEs I had this morning, I had several very intense and emotional dreams.

Dream: Standing Rock

The main part of this dream was inside a huge mansion that was being built by the wife of a billionaire. She had bought the land and constructed a stone wall all the way up the mile or more long driveway. On the top of the hill was the mansion. It was nearly finished and she was inside preparing for bed. I remember shifting into her in the dream and looking out the window. It was dark outside but she/I saw movement and became alarmed. I went outside to investigate and saw several children running away dressed in Indian costumes and holding toy bow-and-arrows.

I yelled, “Get off my property!” I had my own bow-and-arrow for some reason and was shooting it at them but it was bouncing off because it was not a real one. The kids ran and an adult or two appeared from behind large boulders. They were also dressed as Indians. They said, “This is not your property. It is ours.” I didn’t understand.

Then I was outside the woman’s body looking at her through their eyes. They saw a woman caught up in material things, completely blind to the world around her. They pointed out her jewelry to me and I said, “Everything on her is worth thousands, maybe more.” I recognized how many people could live comfortably off of just what she wore on her body. They said to me, “There are hundreds more like her.” I felt pity for her and them, as did they. There was great sadness.

They then took me to the outer limits of the property. There were bulldozers and lots of moved earth. The natural beauty destroyed to make way for the mansion. We stopped atop a hill. There was a natural stone arch and we stood beneath it looking down at the valley below. I could see a dark pool of water and wondered about it. It looked completely black.

Then I was above the pool and realized it was not black at all but that its bottom was covered completely in obsidian! It was the most beautiful pool of water I had ever seen and I had to go down to it.

obsidianThere were two small ceremonial fires near the water’s edge, smoke billowing out. I knelt down by one and put my hand into the crystal clear water. It felt sacred. As I began to enter the water I was filled with overwhelming amounts of emotion and began to cry in heaving sobs. The obsidian was brought to my attention and very soon after I heard very clearly, “Standing Rock”. I was crying so hard my heart was hurting and I couldn’t breathe. I heard, “Be the buffalo.” I woke up.

I continued to cry upon waking. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t understand the emotion – what was I feeling? Was it pain? Was it sorrow? Was it love? Was it all of those things and more?

Honestly, these outpourings of emotions are so powerful and my heart so affected that I feel beside myself with concern. This time I felt a near compulsion to up and leave my entire life/family behind. To just go. Where? I have no idea. My personal problems seemed so insignificant. I felt like a tiny speck on the face of this planet, incapable of creating the change needed to make this place what it could be – should be.

I have not felt a compulsion such as this except when I was hit with the heart connection with my counterpart that knocked me on my butt and then made me want to up and leave everything to go to him. To feel such a draw to leave again out of blue because of the state of the world is a completely new experience for me. I wanted desperately to help. To DO something about it. Nothing else mattered. Nothing.

The emotion here is beyond words. My heart is still burning in my chest. The feelings seem to be a mixture of love for this planet, injustices done to millions for the sake of profit and power, sorrow at the destruction of the planet and guilt for ignoring it. It seems like I received a taste of what our friends in Spirit (ETs or Earth’s caretakers) feel all the time coming from this planet. It is excruciating. How could anyone ignore it? How could I?

big_thumb_6a111efaec242d6f9514afdbbab65dc5Dream: Recruit

It was 3am and I spent a good hour asking my guidance, “What is happening to me!?” Because honestly this is utterly confusing! All of it hitting me in the heart. What do I do with it!? How do I get it to stop!? I have not felt this much confusion since my heart connection was initiated. I feel like I am being called, no PUSHED, into action. It’s like my Team is saying, “Take a real good look at why you came here.”

I attempted sleep but asked for something good to happen. I told my Team, “Please. No more agonizing tears and heart intensity. I just can’t take it!”

They didn’t listen.

I found myself dropped into the middle of a military operation with hundreds of other recruits. I was new and did not know what I was doing. They were doing a morning stretch – calisthenics and yoga. All the recruits were women. The one in charge said to the group, “The new recruits from out of state have just arrived.” Was that me?

Then I was transferred to another part of the facility. I was to be a part of a team. I realized they were trying to find a place for me and figured I would do better as part of the cheerleading squad. I outright rejected this. When I did the warm-up with this group I gave up. They were doing advanced yoga poses there was no way I could do.

As I left this new facility it began to rain and I got out an umbrella and walked toward another building. The storm intensified. High winds began to pick up my umbrella and pull me into the air. I was carried about ten feet and then dropped. Others were being tossed about, too. I was able to make it into the doorway. When I opened the door, a boy was reaching toward me. He asked me, “Are you blind?” I didn’t know why he asked that and ignored him. Then I saw that he was feeling around and that his eyes were white. I realized he was blind and wanted me to help him down the stairs. I took his hand and did just that but it seemed that he was me. That I was the blind one. I also had a single Hershey’s kiss with almonds in my hand. I remember thinking that peculiar.

Then I was inside with a bunch of others who were standing about in shock about the storm. One woman who was dressed very nicely, had her hair done up and was wearing expensive jewelry, was upset. I asked her why and she said, “I was separated from my partner.” I reached out to hug her, saying “I was separated from my partner, too.” She put her hand out, rejecting my sympathy. She said, “I guess a century apart has hardened me.” I felt bad for her, completely understanding her situation. I leaned in to hug her again and this time she let me saying, “Not completely hardened I guess.” She hugged me back tightly and I could feel her very physically accepting my love and support. With that, I began to sob uncontrollably, a gut-wrenching, painful welling-up of emotion coming from my heart and all my lower chakras.

When I awoke I was again beside myself with concern. Two times in one night!? And what is up with the woman being apart from her partner for a whole century!? Where was I? Am I really a recruit of some sort being prepared for something, a battle? A confrontation? A mission?

My guidance is of NO help whatsoever. All they say is, “Listen to your heart.” But my heart in such a twisted knot and hurts so much that to listen to it is agonizing. They did send me a familiar song phrase over and over, “I’ll never be the same…” What the hell did I sign up for in this life?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Heart Bliss vs. Heart Fire

Yet another post from my WP break. I’m being led to re-read these old posts and share them. Interestingly, my third-eye and crown chakras are active after a very, very long break. This one is from April 25, 2016.

Heart Bliss vs. Heart Fire

I couldn’t sleep last night. My heart, third-eye, and crown were alive with energy and so was I. lol My mind was also in overdrive. I’m not sure why I am thinking so much! I hear my guidance telling me, “You have a lot to say, so say it!” lol They are encouraging me to “speak my Truth” yet I’m not quite sure what that is. I suppose, though, that it will come to me.

Even now there is so much I want to write about but I don’t know exactly where to start. SO much flowing through my heart and mind.

I guess I will start with the heart energy. There are distinctly two kinds I am feeling. This was not so evident before, but now I have a sense of it. There is my favorite kind, which I will call heart bliss. Then there is the other kind which I will call heart fire. The main difference is former feels amazingly beautiful, expansive, and all-encompassing while the latter feels like an intense, deep, burning that splits my heart in two and courses straight through my back like someone has stabbed me.

I have no issue with the heart bliss. Bring it on! lol The heart fire, on the other hand, is quite unsettling at times and there is a rejection of it when it is at its worst. Most of the time the heart fire just sits there as if to remind me I have shit to work on. For five days now I have had the heart fire as an almost constant. In contrast the heart bliss was fleeting, only lasting a bit longer than the lucid dream in which I contacted it.

Since my most recent encounter with Steven and the amazing heart bliss, I have been different. Each dose of heart bliss seems to push me to the next level. Level of what, I’m not sure, but afterward all I can think of is getting more of that heart bliss. Lately my mind is on the latest heart bliss episode and seeing Steven sitting there across from me in that hot tub smiling. The recognition and knowingness along with the amazing feeling makes me want to return and stay there and never leave. I had not seen Steven look like he did in that experience since an unexpected OBE in 2004 where I met him and he looked like that.

Memories

Seeing him and feeling Steven this time brought about an inspection of his energy and the energy of my physical counterpart. They feel identical and it is very confusing to me! How this is possible, I don’t know, but I know it is purposeful.

In considering the energy similarity – match may be more appropriate – memories surfaced about when I first met Steven.

His energy scared the shit out of me. I mean literally repelled me. I couldn’t run from it because he wasn’t physically present, so I just pushed him away and spoke instead to a female guide. Later, when he came to me his energy – he – was huge again and I was scared but fascinated at the same time. He made me feel special and loved and I was drawn to him despite being afraid. As our relationship grew, I fell in love with him. From what I could tell at the time, being in love with a guide was not a “normal” thing, so I hid it from people who knew me. I worried I was going crazy and making up a relationship with an imaginary lover and so this meant I was messed up in the head. In fact, I judged myself quite harshly for this “fault”. I was constantly conversing with him throughout the day and he was also with me in my dreams and OBEs. He was a constant presence in my life.

My fear eventually got the better of me and I got in so deep into the “fantasy world” I was in (this was my reasoning at the time anyway) that when I was asked by Steven to “merge” and agreed, the things that happened after were too much. The spontaneous past life memories were intense and the OBEs even more so. Yet I wanted more so kept asking for more. I remember getting so impatient that I told Steven, “I want to know it all” and one night I got what I asked for. This was not in an OBE, this was while wide awake. I am not sure what happened exactly but suddenly memory upon memory upon memory of past lives hit me all at once. It was too much for me to mentally process and I must have cried for most of the night. I remember rocking back and forth, wrapping my arms around myself for comfort as I sat on the front driveway in the middle of the night. I can still see the clear night sky dotted with stars in my memory as if it is happening right now.

The memories wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to make them stop. I begged Steven to make it to stop. It finally did but I was in shock afterward, like on the brink of insanity.

After that I told Steven to go away. He backed way off and gave me space and eventually I stopped feeling him/hearing him. I  must have grieved for an entire year – maybe longer – after that. I just wanted to die and go Home. That was all I could think about. That is when my Dark Night hit me hard, too.

Steven slowly shifted back into my life over many years. And then it was back to “merging” and him asking me permission to do so. I now know he had to have my permission, but of course I would give  it to him. There is nothing I would not do for him and at least now I don’t feel ashamed or crazy to say that. I understand who he is now. Finally! I must be completely dense to go as many years as I have with our connection and not connect the dots. Duh! But then I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Everything happened exactly as it was meant to.

Spiritual Merge – Physical Merge

As my heart fire was ripping through my chest last night and my mind was going a thousand miles an hour in all directions, somehow knowingness got through to me. I heard Steven whispering to me. Anyway, he asks me to focus on my physical counterpart. He does this a lot and it use to drive me crazy but now not so much. It is like slowly information has trickled down into my conscious mind in bits and pieces and is settling in putting the puzzle together piece by piece

What he tells me is that while I am merging with him at a spiritual level, this in itself is not enough. There is a missing piece – the physical. Steven is not able to merge with me completely because he is not physically present. Honestly, I can’t even begin to imagine the power of such a merge and just thinking of the possibility of it makes me want to die. lol In fact, Steven told me this morning, “You have not really seen me yet. When you do, you will die a thousand deaths.” I did not take this as a bad thing either. I would love to die a thousands deaths. lol After feeling what I have felt there is a longing to die in this way. Completely.

But back to the topic. I can’t get distracted by the heart bliss even though it is all I think about. lol The physical merge is a necessity for a complete merge into Wholeness. I am still not completely sure what Wholeness means or looks like, though. I also don’t know what it means to merge at the physical level.

With this, I kind of disengaged. I am not sure I am ready to hear what a merge in the physical entails. I think this is because I am still afraid to accept all the feelings I am having. The confusion between their energy is making all this very difficult to process. But then I am hearing now that processing is not productive. It is best to think of their energy as the same energy for it IS intended to be as such.

Of course my mind immediately wants to take over and this is where it gets hard to shut it up. All these “what if’s” come into play and the heart fire doesn’t help.

Thankfully, I have done a SHITLOAD of work with Steven already. So much in fact that he is telling me, “We are very close.” I am shown 40 again as a very big year for me/us. The way I understand it, Steven has already ascended. A while ago. And has been helping me ever since. I won’t say he is more advanced but he has finished and is focused on getting me to the finish line now. Once I finish, we will “regroup” in Spirit and then split off from each other again to make our individual journeys. We have done this many, many times. This particular merge is not the same as the one I am working on with him presently, though it is intricately connected.

And I wonder about the intense feelings, heart bliss and fire, and how long it will last. The feeling I get in return is that it will not ever really go away. Thankfully I am at the point of acceptance now. Just let it in.

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Revelations from a Conversation

Today has been interesting and it’s not even over yet. Whew! There are some energies swirling and I can’t quite get a grip on how to describe them. One minute I am UP and the next I feel like I’ve been hit over the head….literally. I blame this massive sinus headache I’ve had pretty much non-stop since Thursday. It could be the weather doing it but I have not had a sinus headache like this from the weather since around 1999.

I had a long conversation with my husband today about some of the changes I’ve been going through recently. Note: In editing this I see how much content there is here but I am going to leave it as is. So if it seems a little disorganized, I apologize.

We talked about how staying in the present moment – the NOW – does miraculous things for a person. For one, being in the NOW shifts you into your heart automatically. The mind is there doing it’s thing as usual but the heart takes the driver’s seat and indicator lights flash and are not missed. I gave him an example I will share with you all.

Yesterday, there was a shortage of staff and I was asked to go up front to help answer the phones. I am NOT a phone person and definitely not comfortable putting people on hold and transferring calls. Been there, done that, don’t want the t-shirt. lol Resistance came first and then I sought out a hiding place and began to think of excuses I would give for my no-show. lol Mid-thought I was interrupted with a reminder that resistance is an indicator light telling me that I needed to take advantage of an opportunity to stretch myself beyond my comfort zone. To learn. To grow. Because this is when the REAL growth occurs. The instant it came to me I headed to the front and jumped right in without hesitation. I didn’t think about it for even a moment. And I never had to answer phones. lol I ended up helping in another way.

Similar events to this have been happening every.single.day. My mind chatter is mostly off and if it does come on it is interrupted by my guidance. It’s pretty awesome actually.

So back to the conversation…..we also talked about how when you are in the present moment expectation is pretty much extinguished and intuition is turned up to the highest setting. Pretty amazing stuff!

Then, I tried to explain what it means to Trust and my experiences with it thus far. I explained how following the heart works for me, specifically why I am back working and how I got there. He kept asking me what my “plan” was. I told him it is to follow my heart. I explained that I had to drop all my ideas and beliefs about what I thought I needed or what I thought would bring me happiness and leave it to the universe. We even talked examples, some he would understand. How he thinks this or that will make him happy, so he fixes his attention on getting that and then when he gets it finds it doesn’t make him happy. I explained that the mind tries to logically figure it all out but it sucks at knowing what is best for us. We gotta get out of the mind and let our hearts guide us. That if we let it, our heart will show us everything our minds failed to and MORE. And we talked about how hard it is to follow the heart, to Trust. How it takes massive amounts of courage. I told him I have no idea where my heart is taking me, but I am betting it is better than where I have been. In saying this, I realized I was OK with not knowing where I would end up. I AM okay and I trust that I will be exactly where I am meant to be. He definitely isn’t OK with everything we discussed, but then at least now he understands that I am.

We also discussed being emotionally objective. He had complained that I did not react how he wanted/expected me to, to certain things he told me. He felt I was being uncaring and unloving. I told him it was because I chose not to react. I chose to acknowledge the feeling but I didn’t focus on a specific feeling so as to not let it direct my actions. I explained that at first, when I was doing this, I thought something was wrong with me. Why did I not feel anything?? I was beating myself up for being emotionally “numb”. But as the weeks have gone by I have realized that is not it at all. I DO feel I just don’t react or let my emotions take over. And the more we discussed it, the more I realized the emotional objectivity was purposeful so that he could go through whatever it was he needed to go through and get to a point where I could communicate with him without the interference of his heightened emotions. Pretty cool!

We even discussed karma and the seemingly endless cycles we play out lifetime after lifetime. We discussed how being “asleep” perpetuated these cycles and that now, in this lifetime, we are being given the opportunity to stop cycles, rewrite them, abolish them, edit them, etc. The more conscious (awake) we are, the more cycles we can affect.

And we discussed the interaction of multiple individuals who each have multiple, interactive “contracts” and how, if we listen to our heart/intuition, we will know when these contracts have resolved for each individual involved and when we can make adjustments to our portion of the contract(s). This was so incredibly clear to me in that moment I was in awe, but I am not sure he saw it like I did. But that’s okay. I saw it. Clearly.

The entire discussion only lasted maybe an hour, but in that short time I recognized just how much I have changed in the last month. October was truly about change – metamorphosis.

Pretty crazy amazing! Makes me excited to see what surprises await me tomorrow……

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Taking Your Place

This is it ya’ll. It’s time to get in position and make our mark. You ready?

I’m having a good day today. I feel solid. Balanced. Work is spectacular. I’m setting in. I’m making an impact. I’m getting hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. Don’t you love hugs?

Today for the first time I actually looked forward to work. This is a GOOD sign. Whew! I was worried for a bit because the first few days were so bumpy with me shifting all over the place and not feeling like I belonged.

I’m getting recognized and acknowledged by others. I’m getting appreciation. It’s nice to be appreciated.

I can see why I was placed in this assignment and I accept that I will be given another assignment after. I’m okay with wherever that might be. I understand that I am picking up pieces of experience, a tool-kit of sorts, to use later. “Pay attention.” “Learn.” “Listen.” These are messages that come through all day long. I can feel the importance of my location even if I don’t quite understand it yet.

I am told we are being given our assignments. These aren’t little assignments either. These are not “lessons” or “preparation” tasks, though they do have these components. We are being placed in locations to practice what we have learned. It is practicum time. Internship. Whatever you want to call it. These placements put our skills to use in 3D where we shine our Light in our own special way. Some of us have already been doing this. Me, I’m a little “slow”. I liked my cave too much I guess.

When we have completed our missions, we will be sent elsewhere to continue our work. These are not necessarily locations we would expect. Our expectations go out the window with this. Funny enough, I am accepting and living day by day, moment to moment. And you know what? It is happening without me getting in the way of myself. I have no anxiety or stress (except for the traffic but that’s another story). I am not overthinking or looking too far ahead. And I am learning to like surprises instead of dread them.

I had thought that returning to work meant I would lose my spiritual experiences and connection. Not true. At all. In fact, I am probably more tuned in to my guidance than I was. The energetic experiences (Kundalini) are even back. Who’d have thought? Ha!

Perhaps we needed to be tried and tested to get to this point. I know I did. I had to lose control, or at least feel like I did, to get back to myself. Where I am assigned (and that IS what it is) is perfect for me. I will be challenged but it is all stuff I can do and have done – I have just been resisting it. With this challenge comes growth but also satisfaction and appreciation for all the hard work that led me to this point.

Now it’s time to take 5D TO 3D. But don’t worry about HOW that is done. Just DO it. That is what you came here for. 🙂 Yay!

 

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Mission: Illuminate Mankind

Wow, where to start. Lots to write about…..

Okay, well, I will likely have to split this all up into two posts to make any sense of it.

Dream: White Winged Unicorn

I was at an amusement center of some kind. One of those indoor kinds with video games, food, bumper cars, etc. People were everywhere. Kids especially. I was with my family, but none of them were recognizable except my middle son. There was a place where there was suppose to have been a bowling ally put in but it was not there and someone directed me to the restroom. Inside it was very cramped and two women came in and got into a shower fully clothed. The shower was literally right up against the back of the toilet and positioned above it so that the person on the toilet was underneath the shower. I got sprayed by the water and got grossed out.  I left as soon as I could. Amusement park is enjoyment of life. Shower is renewal and forgiveness.

I went outside and everyone was talking about this new ride. I saw a billboard sign of the ride but can’t recall the name now. My guides tell me the name was “Apex” so I take their word for it. We walked to the entrance and I looked up. I saw a horse-shaped orange statue high above us. Then it moved and I knew it wasn’t a statue. One of the kids pointed and yelled to look. The orange horse creature then moved and as it did it morphed into this brilliantly white winged unicorn.

I lost the family group then because I was staring at the winged unicorn. It became very large then, as if I or him shifted positions so that we were much closer. He was on this ramp leading up at a very steep angle. He could not go anywhere but up because he was pinned in by railing on both sides of the ramp. He was up on his hind legs kicking at the railings and trying to get out only to get stuck and have to stay on the ramp. His horn was exceptionally long and he was using it like a sword. He was neighing very loudly and snorting in anger. Eventually he reared up and took off, galloping up the ramp at breakneck speeds. I watched him reach the end, leap up into the air and fly off into the distance. It was magnificent. He was the most beautiful creature. Winged unicorn is a mixture of unicorn and Pegasus. Pegasus is swiftness and bravery in a stormy relationship. Unicorn is high ideals, hope and insight into a situation. White is purity.

Stunned, I walked into the APEX ride location.  I was late. It was meant to start at 11. My family group was already inside. The ticket agent asked for my ticket.  An old man from my group gave it to the ticket lady. She looked at the ticket and said, “This is a very old ticket. Ancient.” My interpretation of this was that it came from the 1980’s and I saw in my mind this very old and tattered ticket stub. A ticket is the start of something and the price one has to pay to gain admittance. This one is old, like I’ve been trying to gain admittance for a long time.

I went inside but had a gallon water jug with me. I set it on the floor because I couldn’t take it with me. As I went in, I saw a grouping of chairs with at least a dozen jugs of water on them. Contained or controlled emotion.

Inside was pitch black. It was like a movie theater without the screen. I felt around, calling for my group. The old man grabbed my hand and said, “We’re sitting on the floor” and led me away from the first grouping of seats. I wonder what kind of ride this was. It felt like a screen was located on the ceiling.

pohladnica-3dstvorec-pleiades

Message

I woke up with a start knowing the dream was a good message. I saw it was 5am. I had slept straight through the night, not waking even once. The winged unicorn was very vivid in my memory. I loved winged unicorns as a child. In fact, I was obsessed with drawing them (and horses) until we moved in 1986.

I fell into the in-between. Here I saw a black stallion rearing up and neighing loudly. He was kicking his feet at masses of clutter and several people that were surrounding him. The scene was very colorful. The clutter was very bright, especially the color red.

This vision brought me out of the in-between. I noticed the contrast between the white winged unicorn and the black stallion (one of my all-time favorite childhood movies BTW). Too tired to think about it, I attempted sleep.

This time I entered a scene where I was floating or moving through a tunnel filled with various designs and geometric shapes. It was as if I was flying through inter-dimensional space or some kind of wormhole. In front of me written very clearly was the word, “Pleiades”. The E, I, A, and D were bright white and the other letters dim in comparison. Then I both saw and heard, “Illuminate Mankind”.

I came out of my reverie and felt different. I can’t explain it really. It was clear to me that I was being communicated with by my group. They were informing me of my mission but also of their mission. The Pleiadian mission is to illuminate mankind. It couldn’t have been made more clear. lol This is also my mission (finally! Thank you!). I wonder now what is meant by “illuminate”. Does it mean to “make bright” like the letters in my vision? Or to “make lucid or clear”? Or “enlighten as with knowledge”?  Probably all of them.

 

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Increasing OUTput

Something in the energy shifted over night. I will say that it is not a bad energy, but it is one that demands we get our shit together pronto. Or maybe that is just me that needs to do that, but I highly doubt that.

When I awoke this morning I felt heavy and depressed about what is coming. It is not because what is coming is bad necessarily but that it involves getting back on the 3D Train – interacting with people outside my family on a regular basis again, playing the 3D game.

I recently read that the Universe gives back what you give out. What you give, you receive. I believe this and have seen it in action. My journey has been focused inward for the past year. Though I give of myself to my family and some of my friends, my OUTput has fallen far below that of my INput. It’s time to balance that out whether I like it or not.

Tomorrow I have a job interview. Today I have a session to help me clear up some of the confusion that has come with the varied spiritual experiences of my transformation. I just need some clarity and am hoping that I find it. If I do end up working full-time again then I will not be online as often. But I feel I need a break from the web and social media anyway. Some distance will do me good.

My tummy is not happy with me today. Probably because of all the change I sense coming my way. Just thinking of working full-time again makes me nauseous. Yet I know that I need to take that step even if for a little while.

The sessions I will be doing will hopefully take me into some as of yet unseen past lives or even into lives I already know exist but need to be inspected more closely. I need answers and they can only be found within. Up until now I have been unable to find them on my own. Perhaps with some guidance and time dedicated to myself for this specific purpose, I will find the missing pieces to the puzzle. Too many distractions have led me into a semi, spiritual stagnation. You all may not see evidence of this, but I do.

Honestly, today I feel like disappearing completely from the worldwide web. I guess you all will know what I decide soon enough because I will just stop posting and interacting.

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Down for the Count

Tomorrow I start back to work (yeah I got a job) so you all will not see as much of me. Since I have also been awfully irritable and grumpy for the past couple of days, I hope I can stand being at work all day. I want to be a hermit but can’t. There is nothing more nasty than a hermit that can’t hide or retreat. Trust me. Training starts at 7am and with a 20 minute commute there, it will be a very early morning for me. God help the other employees who have to sit next to me all day in training. LOL Coffee will be my friend.

I am blaming the atrociously intense energies for my moodiness and increase in hermit tendencies. There has been a geomagnetic storm raging for 4 days staight. Yep – FOUR DAYS! All I can say is WTF sun? Can you please let up a bit so I can be somewhat normal for my first day of work tomorrow? Pretty please? Some are saying this is major DNA upgrade time. All I can say is if this is an upgrade it feels like I got gypped. Either that or I accidentally got a downgrade to 1988. lol

On top of all the raging geomagnetic storms, I am dealing with the return of my husband and his ever-high energy (can you say Gemini overload?). After a whole month of just my three children’s energies to contend with (love my babies) now I have to readjust. Again. Let me remind you, my husband is very social. So, with me in hermit mode we are like night and day. Opposite extremes is an understatement. However, I cautiously ventured to a neighbor’s party last night just to be socially correct and because my husband requested my attendance. I stayed an hour. Within that time I got a headache and began to feel nauseous. Once I got home both of those symptoms vanished. Did I tell him this? No. I hid away from everyone until bedtime. I needed to retreat. Big time.

September is kicking my butt, ya’ll. Yep. I’m down for the count. Well at least until I have to get up and go to work (BAD timing!). Wish me luck. Maybe, just maybe I will survive and come home with a smile instead of a headache.

 

 

 

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Into the Shadow Self

Are you feeling the eclipse energies? I am and have been for a week at least. I want to make this as upbeat a post as I can, but honestly I am far from feeling upbeat. I feel more apathetic and drained than I have in a  long while. It is like my emotional center is being blocked of all love, all motivation, all desire for anything. I am also angry for no reason and the tiniest of things can make me go off. Similarly, there will be moments when something simple will make me smile and laugh and remember that I am blessed. Those blessed moments are few and far between, though.

I haven’t done a symptom list in a long while. I think now is appropriate.

Tired/drained
Unmotivated
Irritable
Depressed
Bouts of anger
Hopelessness
Questioning
Skin issues (eczema, acne, itchy)
Tooth and jaw pain
Deep sleep
Tons of vivid dreams, some lucid
Loss of appetite
Feeling disconnected from guidance
Internal conflict

Into the Shadow

I don’t talk about what has been termed “Team Dark” (TD) very often, mostly because it is so difficult for me to understand this part of the ascension process. It is, at times, very obvious to me, though, that such a force exists and is influencing this world and my experiences in it.

The reason I am writing about it today is because of this morning’s experiences.When there is a feeling of distance between myself and my guidance, my dreams become the pathway they use to convey to me what I need to know. My Team recently changed out and this new group tends to use dreams and the in-between more often than not anyway.

This morning I had a vivid dream about Star Wars again (third or fourth dream to date). In the dream I was shown two very different parts of myself – the angry, irritable part that seems to dominate now and the happy, trusting and connected part. Basically, I was being shown that my Shadow Self is being exposed for inspection and that this is the domain of TD. Advice was given to not fall victim to the thoughts that tend to arise from this self-defeating part of me. I was also advised to share what I am going through because it will be thematic for many in the coming months.

It is as if we are passing through our own shadow right now. The eclipse in itself is symbolic of this passage. A shadow is cast over it just like a shadow is cast over us as we travel through this period of transformation. Not everyone will feel their shadow self as intensely as I will. To those in this group I say – lucky you! Me, well, I have a tendency to fall into the dark anyway, but this shadow stage is going to really bury me. I can feel it already.

For starters, I tend to feel like everyone – the world – is against me. I get angry and controlling and lash out at those who don’t deserve my wrath. I feel as if I am carrying around a grenade that could go off at any moment. This behavior was very common for me when I was a child but has since been controlled and edited to be socially acceptable. However, these socially unacceptable parts will come up for inspection because they are within the domain of the Shadow Self. These are the parts of the self which need to be nurtured, loved and accepted so that they integrate into the Whole. If not allowed to integrate they continue to control our behavior and set us up for failure and disappointment. Exactly what TD wants, right?

It has been advised that the way to integrate these aspects is to not overthink them or try to analyze them into nonexistence. That is WHY they exist because we have mentally compartmentalized them and partitioned them away, hidden from view. My guidance is encouraging me to feel these feelings, love them as part of myself and disperse the negative energy associated with them through loving acceptance. Additionally, I am being encouraged to tap into my creative side; to express myself through art, sing from my heart, immerse myself in nature, and surround myself with those who I love (even if I want to bite their heads off sometimes). It is through positive self-expression that the Shadow Self can be heard/expressed/integrated.

Of all the healing one can do, this is the most intense and laborious. We’re to those final layers of the onion. Peeling away these last ones will not be easy. I can feel my eyes tearing up already.

How long will this last? Depends on the individual. I was told to expect my journey into the Shadow Self to last through November. Ugh. Not what I wanted to hear. Mini-Dark Night of the Soul? Probably. For some this journey will go all the way through until March, 2017. The sun comes out then for everyone regardless, just in time for Spring.