For those of you wondering, I am still in Costa Rica. I stayed behind and will be here until July 18th. I will update more on my experiences at a later date. For now, I want to share something else.
I had a lucid dream last night. In the dream I was in a bar scene/restaurant. I have memory of interacting with my family briefly. I kept smelling an awful smell. Eventually I saw in a sink some old food in a see-through package. Someone had poured water on it and left it there to rot. I could smell this awful rotting smell (something ‘stinks’, something has been ignored too long) and I said, “Someone needs to throw that away.” The smell was quite putrid as if something had died.
Later, I was looking around at my surroundings, when suddenly I realized I was dreaming and lucidity hit me all at once. I walked over to a counter where a man was standing behind rows of small tobacco pipes. He also had rows of packaged tobacco. I looked through the tobacco picking up a very large package and then setting it down. I picked up a smaller package mentioning to the man that I didn’t think the large package was necessary. The man looked kind of skinny and nerdy. I remember smoking some tobacco (seeking comfort) with him but the pipe was so small that you could only take one hit. I also remember him handing it to me in the palm of his hand and his hands being very large.
I kept looking around as if looking for someone. This is when I realized a friend of mine was waiting outside the bar.
When I went outside, my friend was standing by the door looking at me. He/she was very beautiful and very tall. Probably about 7 feet tall. She/he had a long flowing brown hair and his/her back and the backs of the arms were glistening gold as if covered in scales. But the front of the body was not covered in this shiny material. I remember staring up at him/her in awe yet at the same time having no fear and knowing this person or Being was someone there to help me. I remember being told and/or Knowing that this person was a friend and a guide who came to assist me. I felt a kind of gentle urging from within to listen to and follow this Being.
A question was asked. He/she asked, “Do you want to know why you keep encountering the same people all the time?” When this question was asked I immediately saw a vision in my mind while simultaneously answering that I did want to know. I saw lines upon lines of people standing in a gray, factory-like setting. All of the people were staring ahead as if in a trance. With this I recognized I already knew what I was about to be shown and it made me afraid. I did not want to see it or acknowledge it. I told my guide matter-of-factly, “They are recycling people.“ In saying this I was overcome with a kind of dread. I was invited to journey with the Being to explore the nature of my vision but I pulled away. The feeling woke me up and I lay in bed feeling a kind of unsettled Knowing at what I had just experienced.
My guide remained with me after I awoke. We spoke for a while about what I had just dreamed and why I was having the feelings I was having. I had Remembered and for some reason I did not want to. This problem, I remembered, was part of the reason I am here on this planet and in this body. There are millions upon millions of people trapped in this physical reality and it is purposeful. The more unaware the people are of the illusion they are in, the more trapped they are, destined to be recycled in death back into a kind of energetic slavery.
Considerations
It has been a long time since I’ve had a dream with a very ET-like Being in it. I want to say this guide of mine was Andromedan but it doesn’t explain the strange, shiny scale-like skin on his/her back. I cannot say whether this Being was male or female, either. I felt it to be both. In the dream I could see him/her clearly and in great detail but my memory denies this to me now. I can only recall an overall impression and details are few. The most detailed memories are of the long, brown hair, large eyes and pale skin. He/she looked very human except for the eyes.
I knew that this Being wanted to take me somewhere to explain more of what I was receiving but my response was to turn away and try to deny what I was seeing. Honestly, I am unsure why I reacted like this. When I previously received such info (years ago now) this was not the case. I suspect there is something deeper that I am not willing to witness just yet.
When I asked why I couldn’t remember some of the experience I was told, “You are not ready yet.”
To think of so many trapped here and being “recycled” is not pleasant. I do feel there is truth to what I saw and Knew, though. If people do not wake up, they will return. Over and over and over again.
As our trip to Costa Rica grows closer, I keep falling into worry mode and have to pull myself out of it time and time again. It is tiring. I don’t understand why I have to turn every new situation or adventure into a worry-fest. Just the thought of being out of my comfort zone and I fall right into the mind-muck. The source is expectation, of course. I want to know what is going to happen. I want my efforts to have a reward that is worthwhile. So often I take a “risk” and end up with little to no reward and many times a definitive, “I shouldn’t have done that.”
What do I expect out of this trip? I have no idea. At the least I would like to feel rested, revived, and cleared of the mind muck. I suspect since I will be around my husband and kids that this will not be the end result. I will likely be more tired at the end of the 10 days. If I stay behind then maybe I will be able to recover and obtain some semblance of what I am seeking. Maybe I will get more than that? Maybe not. The thing is, I just won’t know until I do it.
My biggest worry is I won’t get any sleep. When I travel, I tend to struggle to get good sleep. If I have to share a room or bed with someone then no sleep is guaranteed, at least for a few nights until I crash from exhaustion. Interestingly enough, when we went to Montana last December I slept wonderfully. Similarly, when my family visited Corpus Christi years ago and we all shared a room, I also slept well. So there are exceptions to the sleep issue. I have struggled with sleep so much that I’ve pretty much just resigned myself to the fact that I will have problems. My way of coping is to just wait it out, even if it means I don’t fall asleep until after 3am. It took years of insomnia to finally get to this point, though. YEARS. So, I just hope for the best and if the worst happens, I suck it up and deal.
My best hope for the trip is that it will make a positive, lasting impression on me and the people I meet. I would love to find that “spark” of belonging and acceptance that comes along so very rarely in my life. I would love to feel some purpose again, to be invited to share my gifts and connect with others at a deep, spiritual level.
My SIL practices Gestalt Equine Therapy. If you are unaware of what Gestalt Therapy is, it is a type of psychotherapy that has no real defined process. The horse provides the person with a kind of acceptance and grace that allows the person to relax and reach deep within to uncover issues. Gestalt Therapy works from the present NOW moment, also.
I am not particularly drawn to this therapy and am not a horse lover, really. I use to love horses when I was a child, though. I drew them all.the.time and was fascinated especially with mares and foals. I also loved My Little Pony, so there you go. lol So, who know, maybe some healing will happen while there? I am not too happy with my SIL being my therapist, though. I don’t want her sharing my stuff with my husband. Hopefully she practices client confidentiality!
Messages
I did a tarot spread a few days ago asking about how this trip will turn out. In general, it was positive, but there was no definitive answer other than advice to be careful about what decision I make.
First card – the present, where I am now – Movement, Choices, Decisions. It indicates that I am in a period of decision and movement. I am contemplating changes and wanting to move forward.
Second card – what is behind me – Stand Your Ground. I have stood my ground, not wavering and keeping firm boundaries. I have not given up control or compromised myself or my convictions.
Third card – what lies ahead – Material Harvest – That which I have worked hard for will be rewarded. This card is about physical harvest – money, finances, material things. The 9 is about endings and wrapping things up. Finality.
Fourth card – Hope – This card is about looking to the future and having hope that things will work out. It mentions how my Light will guide others toward me and encourages me to share my truth and journey with others.
Final card/answer – Choose Wisely – Many options and opportunities are available. Do not choose hastily but make a wise decision. Take your time to select the best option. Seek advice from those you trust.
The same day I got a message from the Bible.
From the NIV: Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.
Dream Message
Woke up from a dream that made me feel a bit nervous about what is to come.
In the dream I was in a car (life path) driving (feeling in control) along a mountain road (difficult route). The radio (mental noise) was bothering me so I went to turn it off. The knobs I tried didn’t work, though, and a static sound with random words replaced the music that had previously been playing. The sounds bothered me. It made my mind feel strained and disrupted my focus on the road ahead. I frantically tried the last knob, clicking it off, but the sound remained.
Then, as I looked ahead, my vision was impaired (unable to see clearly, seeking clarity). It was like I was getting a migraine – tiny blurry blobs and random color spots appeared and made it hard to see the road and other cars. I do remember seeing a red car drive by and recognized I was in the left lane. There was a guardrail (safety) on my left and I could see rocky cliffs below and steep mountain all around. I could see parts of the road ahead but my view kept being interrupted by the blurry blobs of color.
I gripped the steering wheel and kept telling myself to trust the process. I also told myself that I would be okay and other words of encouragement. I Knew that I would make it to my destination unharmed. I Knew that even if I fell asleep I would be okay and the car would continue on the path without running off the road or into another driver.
I think I saw storm clouds on the horizon and rain but I couldn’t be sure. Were the spots in my vision rain drops on the windshield or something else? I blinked but the spots remained.
As I woke up I heard a male voice say, “Let her think she’s in control.”
Upon waking I was upset to hear the message and I began to think the worst of my immediate future. The message reminded me that no matter what I do, I won’t go anywhere unless my HS wants me to. I might feel like I am paving my own path, but I’m not. It is all a sham to make me feel I am in control. I’m never in control. So, of course, I began to feel like Costa Rica was one of those instances. It is just something to keep me occupied as I wait out the long road ahead. It is just another distraction, like giving the child in the back seat a video game because they are fidgety and asking, “Are we there yet?” over and over again.
I thought of other trips and “distractions” in my life. Some were okay but mostly they just kept me occupied, focused on something else for a while, seeking something but not sure what. I thought of how my guides often advise me to, “Enjoy the ride”, meaning, do things I am interested in, curious about or enjoy while I wait for the next milestone. Problem is, I rarely enjoy the ride. I just cringe to think of how many more miles I have to endure it.
My guidance interjected with, “Maybe you should try focusing on helping others for a while?” I understood the suggestion. I do feel much better when I focus on others. When I help others, I help myself. This has always been true. I give advice and I hear it as advice for myself, also. I pass on a message in a reading and also relate to it. I give Reiki and I, too, receive it. It is an amazing thing. Perhaps while in Costa Rica I will be invited to use my gifts to help others? That would be okay with me.
Eventually, I just got up and accepted my fate. I am going to Costa Rica. All the obstacles have been removed that can be for now. I may not be 100% interested in the trip, but it will keep me occupied, maybe for quite some time. And who knows, maybe I will experience some authentic healing along the way? I know that doing the same stuff all the time won’t get me any results.
I started my day thinking, “I need to ‘do the work'”.
My Destination
For those of you curious about where I am heading, here is a link to my SIL’s website – Horse Spirit Healing. The ranch is called Resonance Ranch and is located in Cabuya Costa Rica.
While I am away, my connection to the world will be limited. Internet is available but my US wireless phone service does not work there and I am not planning on getting a local wireless number and plan. I will likely use WhatsApp to communicate with people in the states as well as other forms of social media like Facebook and Instagram. I don’t know yet how reliable the internet is. Will I be able to work remotely if I decide to stay? I just won’t know until I get there. If I stay for any significant length of time (my visa will be for 90 days) then I may purchase a wireless phone plan for $8.95USD/month but it is not necessary as WhatsApp provides all that is needed phone-wise. I still have to download it, though. lol
I may or may not do updates via my blog. We will see what happens. 🙂
Our trip to Costa Rica is only 11 days away. Unfortunately, I continue to go back and forth on the decision, at least in my mind. My mind wants to make it difficult – always. When I check in with my guidance I consistently get the answer, “I need to do this.” It isn’t about what my small self (human) wants, at least not primarily. Despite being the driver of this life, my HS is continually checking in with me – the passenger – to make sure I’m comfortable. Contrary to what I think (most of the time), my Higher Self does want my human self to be happy and does strive to give me what I want.
The indecision is typical for me and can be frustrating to say the least, especially if I voice my concerns to those around me and they don’t want to hear them. The other night I mentioned briefly how I was feeling to my husband and he went into attack mode, telling me that if I would just be “nice to him” then I wouldn’t feel what I was feeling. The pure spite spewing out of him was palpable. So, I just walked away and went outside where I tuned into my guidance and got the same answer I always do – “I need to go.”
My mind loves to go into panic mode and will go on and on if I allow it. I see so many potential booby traps awaiting me. Yet when I tune in, my HS will ask me questions to help settle my mind. I recall being asked, “What are you feeling? What are you afraid of?” Lately, it feels like I have a group of supportive Beings around me. This morning, in fact, I heard very distinctly, “We love all love you” and could sense a large group of family and friends in Spirit.
My dreams last night were vivid, especially one.
Dream: It’s Time to Rebuild
The dream began in a large space, like a meeting hall. It was hard to see, but when I interacted with someone the difficulty vanished and they became very clear. I recall talking to a man who I felt very friendly with. He was “parked” in a certain space and mentioned he chose it for “the view”. I didn’t see a man but a car, a yellow one. He felt like someone who I could joke around and flirt with.
Around me I could sense a large group but my attention was on one man among them. We talked for some time about his life and my life. I recall knowing he had two grown children, but they had just recently left the home. He was divorced or separated, also. There is memory of a golden glow, his energy I think, and I could see within this glow images as if a movie was playing.
The energy from this person was attractive to me and I was very, very interested in him. I remember feeling/thinking, “I want this”. Wherever he went in the room my attention went.
Then I was in a dark room preparing for sleep. I remember the space was full of rooms like this all located along a long corridor. Someone was walking down the corridor ringing a bell and announcing a gathering. I could also hear music when the bell was rung – a chiming sound, like windchimes. It was late and I was not in the mood to go anywhere. I remember thinking, “Oh no. Not now.” It felt like I could choose whether to go or not and I was not planning on attending. I wanted to sleep.
Then the man from before was standing in front of me. He asked me, “Are you coming or not?”
I recognized him. He was the same man I use to see in my dreams and OBE’s. He first visited me in 2014 and his visits preceded my encounter with my heart connection. After my heart connection, this was the man who came to guide me in my dreams. He always looked the same – dark hair, dark eyes, tall and slender and somewhat Hispanic looking.
For some reason I was speechless. He then said, “It’s time to rebuild.” I said back, “But shouldn’t we destroy everything first?” He said with both words and a vivid image, “It’s dominoes.” And in my mind I saw a line of dominoes. The first was knocked over and then the entire line followed in succession.
I experienced a kind of clarity with his answer. Then, he grabbed what looked like a scarf and another smaller item. The scarf was see through and blue. He waved it over my head as if to entice me to follow him. There was a sense that I need take only the necessities with me if I went.
I watched him walk out the door. The attraction I felt for him was magnetic and the pull irresistible. I remember feeling reticent but thinking, “Fine. If he’s going then I should go.” It felt like regardless of what this “meeting” was or meant, if he was going to be there then I would be okay. It was clear, though, that I did not really want to follow him, but I did.
The next thing I remember is being back in the hall. It was like I returned to the beginning of my dream. Across from me on the other side I could see the man. My attention was glued to him. Somehow we ended up talking again. He asked me a question, seeking advice. He felt upset about a decision he had made and was being very hard on himself. I could feel what he was feeling and sympathized. I can’t remember what he asked but I said, “You did it for family.” He nodded agreement and said, “Yes, yes I did.”
What I remember most distinctly is how drawn I was to him and how beautiful he was to me. The feeling woke me and my guide was close. I remember saying, “He is beautiful.” In that moment I wanted nothing more than to be with him, next to him, close to him.
Music Messages
When I woke I remember thinking it significant that I was seeing this man in my dreams again. Surely it didn’t mean my heart connection was about to reconnect? I remember briefly considering emailing him about my dream, warning him of the destruction coming because what happens to me also seems to happen to him. But then I didn’t want to resume communication. I know I can’t just be friends, it’s too painful. Besides, the info from the dream didn’t match what I know about him at all.
As I considered the dream, a song came to mind. Specifically this part: “I shot a hole through every single thing that I love”. The whole chorus soon followed:
I’m sorry for everything, no, everything I’ve done From the second that I was born it seems I had a loaded gun And then I shot, shot, shot a hole through everything I loved Oh I shot, shot, shot a hole through every single thing that I loved
I struggle to return to sleep, but when I did I heard message. One was, “You’re here to analyze the future.” I questioned that, thinking, “analyze” was the wrong word.
I entered a dream where I was outside laying on a towel sunbathing with others by a pool. I had with me a backpack and was going through the contents. I pulled out clothing and dishes while talking to the others with me about an upcoming “test”. Then I was standing in a doctor’s office discussion a pain in my lower leg. He said a leg vein was likely to return and asked me to take it easy. He showed me that a section of vein was missing and indicated the missing section was “growing back”. The two side of the vein wanted to be reconnected.
Then I was walking in a city at night. I encountered about five tiny kittens. They were following me. As I turned around toward them I heard music and saw into a house. The house was where a mother and small boy lived. Somehow I knew the music was their alarm clock. It kept getting louder and louder. While the music played the walls had images of sexual scenes and I thought it very inappropriate. I took video of it for proof. Then someone took charge of my video camera and zoomed in on another space. There was a wall with wooden, locked doors all over it. One door was opened and inside was an undecorated Christmas tree. The video pushed passed the tree to another door, opened it and behind a row of ties was another door. Behind that were more doors, each getting successively smaller.
I woke up from the odd dreams feeling kinda heavy from a night of information processing without really knowing what that information was. A song came to me as if in answer. I heard, “Cause I do it solo….” The sense was that I am meant to travel “solo” for this part of my journey.
Considerations
The first dream appears to be a preparation dream. Some event is going to (or has already) set off a chain of events leading to destruction of some kind and then a period of rebuilding. I am not eager for this and prefer to sleep it away – avoid it. So the dominoes are representing that chain of events.
The song message may or may not represent me. It could be that someone was communicating to me how they feel in their life – always messing things up. I feel this way, too, at times, though.
The other dreams feel to support the first. The unpacking symbolizes relieving myself of burdens and responsibilities I’m carrying around. The doctor is a guide indicating that the “vein” in my leg wants to reconnect and be whole. I vein could represent my “life force” or energy. There is mention of a test in the dream, also.
The last dream is Kundalini filled. Cats = feminine sexuality. The music, another “alarm” (mentioned in first dream also), is accompanied by sexual images. Then the Christmas tree is a repeating symbol from the dreams I had in the past with the dark haired man. It indicates “gifts” coming. Since this one isn’t decorated yet and is behind doors, it may be hidden.
That reminds me, I asked about the dominoes portion of the dream after I woke. I said, “The destruction hasn’t happened, has it?” They said, “It has, you just haven’t seen it yet.” My feeling was that something has been set in motion but the ripples are still too small to notice. It at least makes me feel a little better about how the destruction comes about. I had worried it would be an “all at once” thing.
Had a surprising OBE last night that was quite long.
Lucid to OBE
The dream started in my grandparent’s underground house. I was watching my SIL and husband play a game. It was quite dark and so I assumed it was night. I remember looking around the kitchen and recognizing evidence of my uncle living there (which he does now that they have passed). There was some odd things that I questioned like a fountain on the table and a faucet on the kitchen sink that I couldn’t operate very well.
When I turned back toward the living room I saw my SIL and asked her about the game she was playing. I remember she and my husband had been handling blue objects and moving them very fast in their hands. It was a mathematical concentration game. This triggered my lucidity and I thought, “This is a dream.” I felt myself shift as my awareness went to my body temporarily.
Without hesitating, I immediately took control of the dream and headed toward the front entry to go outside. When I exited the house, I flew up into the air and felt pulled upward at great speed. With this I began to sing at the top of my lungs and through my singing controlled the experience and maintained a high vibration. I didn’t want to go up too high so stopped myself and looked down in awe at what was around me. I could see stars everywhere but also the Earth below.
I lowered myself down and flew among some buildings that suddenly appeared in the field in front of the house. I watched them morph and change with my thoughts and got much pleasure in this.
Then I was standing in front of two young girls. I had a small, sharp instrument in my hands that looked like a letter opener. I can’t recall what I was singing but I know it created the scene. I wondered what it would be like to cut the throat of one of the girls. One came up to me and said, “Go ahead. Try it.” So I slit her throat and the sensation of it was like slicing through butter but with a bit more resistance. She didn’t bleed but her throat was cut, the flesh hanging from her neck and colored red inside. She laughed and complimented me. I said it felt different than I thought and asked to try again. The other girl came up and I went behind her like in the movies and slit her throat as well. Again, it was an interesting sensation and much easier than I thought it would be.
The two girls stood there, throats cut and smiling, seeming very real, talking and completely fine. I motioned to the overweight one and said I wanted to see her insides. She lay down and I cut her like a doctor would, straight from her sternum to her belly button. I saw inside and she put her hand on her beating heart, suggesting I should take it out. I thought about it, reached toward it and then changed my mind. I was not interested in doing that and lost all interest in playing “doctor” after that. I’m not sure why I changed my mind, but seeing her heart like that seemed to trigger disinterest.
I lifted up into the sky and felt myself pulled upward so fast that I ended up in space again surrounded by stars. This time I lingered amidst the stars and began to sing words inviting specific people to meet me there. I noticed metal high wires stretched above and below me forming a kind of safety “cage” that I entered from above. I was most definitely talking/singing to someone I felt was with me as I received answers to my requests. No, neither person was present nor could they be called to join me at that time.
There is faint memory of others around me. I want to say they were female and dressed in pastel ballerina attire reminding me of fairies bouncing around me. Whoever they were, they felt to be there to support me but always stayed just out of my direct line of sight. Magical, mystical Beings of love and Light.
Since my requests were not granted, I finally asked if I could at least be given someone to assist me in igniting the Kundalini energy. A man appeared in front of me. He was unfamiliar but I felt comfortable with him/his energy. He was young, maybe mid-thirties, with dark hair and medium skin tone. He was smiling but said nothing.
When I saw him my root chakra lit up and began to swirl with energy. I could feel it about to surge upward but before it could, I shifted back into my body where a nice energy was swirling throughout my body.
I lingered in the energy for a while, shifting in and out of the in-between while a guide spoke to me in images and words. I saw a paper with words printed on it. A section was circled in red ink that said, “Tell me what you would like to know.” Pleased to have the opportunity to request information and knowing the state I was in was ideal for accurate reception of the info, I asked some questions and received answers. Some were not the answers I wanted, such as, “You will see”, but some were immediate and clear.
Of course now I wish I had asked different questions, but there isn’t much I can do about that now. lol
There was a strong vibration that remained with me for some time after waking that was hard to resist. It pulled me back into the in-between time and time again. Much is lost to me now and I am not going to try and recover the info I received because I Know it already even if I cannot access it or put it into words at this present time.
Interpretation
The first part of the experience – the dream part – seems to have been me witnessing the “game” being played by some of my family. It is the mental and logical manipulation of the physical realms. This feels very true to me in the sense that my family is very much caught up in the illusion and enjoys playing the game. I tend to stand back and observe them.
The cutting throats part is very odd to me. Why did I create such a scenario? What was the purpose? It felt like I was just curious. Symbolically it could mean that I am removing obstacles that are keeping me from communicating. The dream characters are allowing me to express myself, my frustrations perhaps, and the end result is I am intrigued by how it felt and how easy it was – like cutting through butter.
The cutting the person as if performing exploratory surgery is also strange. Initially I remember being curious about how much fat would be visible from the inside (she was slightly overweight). For some reason seeing her heart made me stop. Perhaps the girls represented me and I was seeking insight into something about myself?
The rest of the dream appears to have just been me seeking the K energy. The wires feel to be some kind of protection. The fairies are likely symbolic of my inner child and a feeling of magic and creativity.
The last two weeks were full of visitors and activity. I am just now feeling the crazy energy settle (to be replaced by more crazy energy lol). Here is what I’ve been through and why I was feeling so frazzled:
My brother arrived from Arizona two weeks ago, Monday, and we went out for pizza with him, my mom and step-dad. It was a 40 minute drive to the restaurant during rush hour but the place was nice and calm and the kids enjoyed it.
The next day my brother arrived unannounced to our house around noon. My husband had told me my brother wasn’t coming until the next day, so I was surprised and unprepared. I hate it when people don’t give me a heads up that they will be visiting! I hadn’t slept well the night before because allergies kept me awake, so his visit was not at an ideal time. Turns out, his intention was to stay the night, so I prepped my room for him and moved my stuff into my sons’ room.
My husband came home early from work and took him on a tour of the business which gave me time to clean the house and tidy up. When they returned home my husband wanted us to all go out to eat, so that’s what we did. Then my husband and brother stayed up late playing chess while I got the kids to bed. I retreated to my boys’ room to sleep because I was exhausted. Turns out, I couldn’t sleep because I could hear them playing chess downstairs. It was past midnight when their game ended. Then I was just wide awake, tossing and turning all night.
The next morning they were all up at the crack of dawn and so, of course, was I.
As is usual with my brother, he decided to leave earlier than planned. I don’t know why he does this but it feels like he wants us to plan activities for him and such but since we didn’t have anything planned (because he didn’t give us a heads up), he opted to just go back to my mom’s and then head back to AZ early. I could feel his expectations of me, but I just didn’t have the energy to drive him into Austin to visit spiritual shops, etc, which is what he wanted to do. Had I had sleep I would’ve, but even then, I had to work. Now had I had time to prepare it all would’ve gone much smoother. Lesson: Tell people you’re coming for a visit so they can prepare!!! However, I doubt he will do that in the future. Sigh.
Relieved that maybe I would get some sleep that night, I went about my day only to get a phone call from my husband that he was going to pick up some friends from the airport and wanted to take them all out to eat. I figured, “Why not? I’m already so tired that it won’t matter anyway.” I had that weird feeling in my head that I get when I need sleep and I knew that I would get a second wind soon, which did happen. So, another night out to eat with a group, and on top of that a sleepover because one girl was going to South Padre with the family that weekend.
I did sleep better but struggled to get to sleep from all the energy I absorbed from the evening. Then I was awakened early by everyone preparing to go to South Padre.
When I got out of bed, I went downstairs and felt a bit jealous because I would miss out on the beach (I love the beach). I had opted to stay home for my sanity, though, and because our dog Monty needed someone to watch him. At the last minute I decided I should go anyway and bring the dog. When I got to the van I heard my youngest crying and saw him in the back seat looking very unhappy. I asked what was wrong and he said he felt sick. I told him to come inside. My husband followed and our son puked all over him and the floor. Sooooo, he stayed home with me. Turns out he had thrown up twice that morning already but was pretending to be okay so he could go on the trip. Poor guy.
Thankfully, he did not throw up again and by the evening was able to eat a full meal and keep it down.
The next day, feeling bad for my littlest, I decided to drive him to South Padre so he wouldn’t miss out. I had to take our dog with us because the drive is six hours and there was no way I was driving back the same day. Unfortunately, a storm system had rolled in and it rained almost continually the entire drive. I hate driving on the highway as it is, but add in rain and low visibility and I tense up and stress out. What was even worse was that toward the middle of the drive we got caught in a horrible downpour that lasted 32 miles! It was so bad that we passed several wrecks and at times many cars in the median stuck in mud. Water was standing on the interstate increasing the likelihood of hydroplane. I drove at 45mph through the whole thing as people zoomed by me, many of those cars ended up stuck in the ditch.
The one cool thing about this awful portion of the drive was that I knew where the storm would end. I kept asking my guidance to help me relax and Knew the exact place the rain would stop. When we got to the exchange and headed south (when the rain was suppose to stop) it was still raining and I worried I would be stuck driving slow the rest of the trip. Then, suddenly I said aloud to my son, “The rain will stop soon”. I relaxed and started eating a snack. Within a minute or so, the rain slowed and light appeared ahead as the clouds parted. I laughed and told my son I manifested the end of the rain. lol There was no more rain the rest of the drive.
We arrived just past noon and my exhaustion had me in zombie mode. I didn’t sleep well that night (surprise) but took a short walk on the beach the next morning. I left for home mid-morning but it was much more pleasant a drive with no issues. The entire drive my third-eye was blazing. Not sure why but maybe from lack of sleep.
The activities are not over. My SIL is hosting a young girl for a few weeks and, like the Generator she is, feels she has to fill every minute of this girl’s day with activities. Tomorrow we go to an indoor water park. Today was suppose to be Six Flags but my daughter got in trouble and so I cancelled it. My SIL has been trying to go around me to get the trip to happen anyway and my husband was helping her! This, BTW, is typical. These Generator busy-bodies never stop! Thankfully, it is raining today (thunder and lightning) so my SIL and husband will have to just deal and do Six Flags another weekend. Daughter remains effectively “grounded” (which she should) and I get to rest a bit before another hectic day tomorrow (rain or shine).
And just for fun – this was posted on a store window in South Padre. Love it!
Dream: We Are God
Early this morning I was awakened by a guide who was close and on my right. When I felt him near, I felt a familiar energy, a draw to him like the Kundalini connections I’ve had. He acknowledged this and then asked me a bunch of questions. I can’t recall them now because I fell asleep while talking to him, but I do remember opening a book entitled, “How to be Whole” When I opened the pages there was text about it but I became too aware and the text faded. I knew my guide was telling me that my purpose here was Wholeness and to not give up because I was very close.
When I fell asleep I was in a car (life path) driving (in control). My kids were in the back seat and the road was familiar. I kept zoning out through the drive only to come back to the car scene in a panic and unable to see clearly. A voice reassured me that all would be okay and to surrender to the experience. This is similar to experiences I’ve had while driving, specifically when my crown opens up and communication comes through. I always feel like I am dreaming and I can’t recall driving my car at all. Yet I always reach my destination. In the dream I kept worrying about the car wrecking but would always find it driving itself.
At one point in the dream I was transported to a scene where I was riding a horse (freedom) with a group. Everyone stopped and dismounted. Someone asked me about my horse because it was a specific breed that needed a handler who knew what they were doing. I told them I was permitted to travel alone and was more than capable of handling the horse. The horse did odd things, turning his head sideways and showing his teeth and trying to bite me. The horse had the name of my heart connection, which was odd, and I mentioned how he was provided for me for a specific reason. I remember feeling very close to the horse and knowing his personality. His bites were love bites and he never intended to harm me.
Then I was in my grandmother’s house with my mom. I still had the weird open crown feeling and was phasing in and out of my car that I was still driving. I received a text message about “How to be a God” and looked down at it in surprise. I wanted to show my mom because the information was profound. I only recall now that the message was saying how we are all God. My mom didn’t believe me, so I showed her my phone. There was this huge chart that upon first impression looked like a chart of all the known demons in the world. But upon closer inspection, the images looked like Egyptian inscriptions. I showed her and she gave me this look like I was crazy. I then showed her an “artifact”. It was something small, round and gold. I said, “If I told you this was created by God, you would believe that it was Divine and cherish it.” Then I switched it to my left hand and said, “If I told you this was created by a man who revolutionized education, you would reject it because he was ‘just a man’. The reality is you will only recognize and give importance to those things that others tell you came from God.” When I said this (or something like it) I became very lucid because I knew what I was saying was Truth. I believe I said, “We are all God” as I began to wake up.
When I awoke I knew it perfectly described my mom. So often I present her with ideas and information that goes against her religious upbringing. She acknowledges what I tell her, sometimes even to the point of saying it makes more sense than what she was taught, but she always goes back to what the church and her parents taught her. Ultimately, she rejects anything that is not from the Bible. Because she does this, she limits herself and her growth.
The dream left me feeling sad for humanity because, like my mom, humanity is eager to believe what is fed to them and are easily controlled because of this. Humans don’t believe they are special so much so that to tell them they are God is unbelievable. God is something beyond Knowing. God is an all-powerful Being that lives “in the sky” (or heaven but somewhere we can’t get to and can’t know/see) and judges whether we humans are worthy or not. As long as humans believe someone/something else is in control, we will never rise above and free ourselves from this self-created trap we find ourselves in.
Woke up in tears this morning. It seems my request to Remember is being granted. Slowly but surely lucidity is returning to my dreams and I am being allowed to recall the work I’m doing in dreamtime.
Lucid Dream: Sexual Encounter
I became semi-lucid. Part of me thought I was actually awake but another was aware that it was a dream. I was laying in bed and felt to be both in my physical bed and my dream bed simultaneously. In the dream scene I was aware of an office-type environment and people from my work talking and moving about in an adjacent room.
I lingered in bed, very relaxed and calm. Energetically, I was aware of my root and second chakras and the feeling was very seductive, almost like there was someone there with me. I do remember talking to someone, so it could be that I was not alone, but at the time it was just me in my bed. I can’t recall the discussion in detail but I believe I was telling him how the energy made me feel. The more I described the energy and sensations, the more they grew. It was as if my words magnified the energy.
There is a brief moment when I requested a specific person be there with me. I requested this person by name more than once. It surprises me now that I did this but then it also makes perfect sense because I’ve often thought of this person as my teacher.
Eventually, I recall hearing a distinctive male voice say, “Relax and go with it.” When hearing his words there was recognition that I was focusing too much on the energy and effectively blocking its movement. Instantly I released my attention and the energy suddenly burst through all at once and then slowed until it flowed in a steady stream, circulating between the lower chakras. Interestingly, the sudden burst of sexual energy did not awaken me and I remained in a lucid state with the dream scene.
The next thing I remember is reaching toward “the voice” and encountering a body. Everything about what I felt was physically real. It was very obviously a male body. I felt along his arms and shoulders and then felt his hairy chest. I could also see him in my mind’s eye but my vision never turned on. What I saw was only what I touched, so I never saw a face. I’m not sure I wanted it to. It seems like I wanted the man to remain a mystery but in my mind I was thinking he was “husband” but not my actual husband in my waking life. So which husband? I have no idea! lol Honestly, it didn’t matter at the time because I was immersed in exploring through touch. The entire time this energy continued to swirl and, funny enough, I became very comfortable with it despite its highly erotic nature.
The very physical sensations eventually woke me up and the voice from the dream followed me into wakefulness. He was asking me questions about my experience. One in particular was about the sensation of touch. He asked if I could tell the age of a person by feel. I said, “No, not really.” The questioning seemed to be about the sense of touch versus vision. It became clear to me that using my physical eyes could be counter productive in certain situations. I was reminded of how I am meant to see the world with my inner eyes, not the physical ones, because the physical eyes support the illusion while the inner eyes see the truth. My mind was filled with past experiences where this was painfully obvious. I hadn’t realized how much my physical eyes contribute to the solidification of the illusion within the framework of this physical experience. So often I have tossed my inner Knowing about someone or something because my physical eyes see something else!
Dream: Express Yourself
Although I woke up for a short time, when I fell back to sleep I returned to the dream scene. Still in bed, I saw my son come into the room and change his shirt. When he left, I followed him out and saw someone from work directing people about in a classroom. The feeling in the space was one of organized chaos. I Knew that in this space I could be myself and no one would judge me.
Something caught my attention and I turned around to see that behind me was outdoors. A blonde, thin woman who was about my age, was receiving a yellow bikini to try on. I remember seeing her and thinking she was quite attractive for her age and had taken good care of her body. She looked a decade younger than she was.
When she put on the bikini bottoms they were like bloomers rather than normal bottoms. She disliked this and another bottom was provided. She went behind a screen to try it on but took her time. When she came out, everyone was applauding, expecting her to shine in her new bikini, but she was wearing a brown dress that looked like a potato sack. When I asked her why she wasn’t wearing the bikini, she said it showed her love handles. A flash of what she was talking about came to mind. Two very small bumps above her hips. I told her how beautiful she was and that she didn’t have any love handles. She didn’t believe me and walked away.
When I turned back toward the classroom, I was invited to come inside and observe. The room was dark but various colored lights were flashing, giving the appearance of stars. There were six rows of desks with students. Music was playing and the students were singing, one-by-one, when their turn came. I sat down in the front, left desk – the only open seat. To my left was a screen and music was playing from it. I turned and looked around at the students. They were all smiling and friendly. Again, I felt that I was in a safe space, one where everyone was accepted and loved.
The music was spectacular and the singing even more so. The entire room was lit up with a vibrant energy and I was immediately impressed. Each student was given a chance to express their own inner truth however it came to them and the music shifted based upon which student was singing. Their words are lost to me now but I was deeply moved by each student regardless of the tone of their songs. Some were sad, others joyous, and some a mixture of emotion. Every song expressed the individual’s unique Self and each song contributed to the energy of the space creating a chorus unlike any I’d heard before.
As I watched the progression and listened to their individual voices, I began to have all sorts of emotions arise out of me. The more songs I heard, the more my own song began to emerge. It is hard to pinpoint just one emotion because there were so many. Part of me wanted very badly to participate. I wanted to stay there with them forever. I was impressed by the teacher who mainly just facilitated the group and gave her support.
A familiar song came to mind. The words, “Where are you now?” repeated over and over.
And then I began to sob. The emotion came from deep within and just poured out of me. I began to feel very self-conscious and worried someone would see my ugly red eyes and nose. I attempted to hide my face but a student to my right locked eyes with me and smiled. The message was, “It’s okay”, and a rush of love and acceptance swirled around me, hitting my heart dead center. After that, there was nothing I could do but allow.
I woke up in tears, the song’s words repeating in my head and the voice saying, “Express yourself.” I was invited to return to that very sexual, creative energy from the previous dream. When I did, I would feel a sudden calm, which was surprising to me, and a clarity would come over me. But then I would shift out of it again, and the emotion would pour out. I was concerned about my past, the mistakes I’ve made, the lack of progress I perceived, the decisions that I regretted – but mostly that my past felt hollow and without any purpose; pointless. The voice reminded me not to judge myself so harshly. I thought of a specific “mistake” and he said, “You were not ready.”
Dream Considerations
The first dream reflects how I’ve been feeling lately. For some reason I’ve been feeling extremely sexual. I haven’t been focusing on it really, just noticing. It has been a very long time since I’ve had a dream like this one, one where I feel someone physically with me, hear them audibly, and do not awaken from it. My sense is that I was being taught how to handle the lower chakra energies. My tendency is to either avoid them altogether or to overly focus on them which makes the energy that much more intolerable. I was shown that just allowing the energy diminishes the intensity and makes it much easier to tolerate. In fact, it became almost like a background energy to the remainder of the dream. Surprise!
The questions I am asked are also interesting and revealing. Again, it appears my considerations about old age and appearance are coming up for inspection. When I was younger, I really had no issue dating men older than me. In fact, I tended to be attracted to men 7+ years older than myself and dated one that was 12 years older than me for a while. Ha! Back then, when I was in my late 20’s, a man in his mid-30’s and early 40’s didn’t seem old at all. Huh. Now that I’m in my 40’s, though, I am beginning to fear old age – the wrinkles, saggy skin, age spots, etc. So, anyone older than me just reminds me that I am getting old, too. Yet in this dream I am reminded that what the physical eyes see is limited and wrought with conditioning and expectation. I am asked to use my inner vision and feeling to guide me and disregard my physical vision. Feel into a person’s energy and use that to “see” them.
The second dream appears to be another healing dream. First, I am shown myself in the woman trying on the bikini. She is me and how she thinks of herself – how critical she is of her body – is so very like me. Then, I am taken to a space that is full of unconditional love and acceptance and given the opportunity to express myself. I am allowed to see how everyone’s unique song is part of a bigger “chorus”. All ranges of emotion are included. Nothing is seen as “bad” or “shameful”. No one laughs or mocks anyone else. Pure acceptance. The feeling is beyond amazing and I want so badly to participate. I want to stay there forever. The emotion that arises, though, indicates I do not feel worthy.
The message in the song is that I need to focus on the present. “Where are you now?” is asked so that I focus on the present. The past is in the past. There is nothing but Now.
I was thinking last night about my day and how, at certain points, there were incidents that reminded me very much of dreamtime. I wondered, “What if I did a dream interpretation of my waking life? What would it look like?”
So, I’m going to try it and see what the symbolism says about my waking hours. 🙂
As with any dream, there are not-so-lucid moments and more lucid moments. Therefore, I will focus on the symbolism in the more lucid moments because they would be what I determine to be significant in my dreams.
My “Dream” Day
Most of my day is a blur with me going through my morning routine and work schedule as normal. It’s amazing just how insignificant most of my day is in my memory.
I had to go into work to cut checks (strong financial future). I do this weekly and it is nothing out of the ordinary. However, lately, the printer has been acting up (difficulty communicating wants/needs) so that when I print checks, two will stick together and ruin the whole batch. So, I end up printing three checks at a time, going much slower than usual in order to try and resolve the issue. Unfortunately, the printer still messes up and I end up wasting four or five checks. Finally, fed up with the problem, which has been going on for weeks, I talk to our office manager and ask her to work on fixing the issue, which can be done easily with some heavier weighted paper. I briefly wonder to myself why it took me so long to do something about the printer issue when it was so simple.
My daughter calls me right as I am leaving the office to come pick her up at school because she is done with testing. I ask if she wants me to get her before or after I go to the grocery store (seeking nourishment). She doesn’t respond until I am already at the store, so I go in before picking her up. I shop and get in line. I notice a man holding a huge bag of tomatoes (prosperity, new phase beginning) is behind me. I have a ton of stuff so tell him to go ahead of me. He is grateful.
After picking up my daughter I head home, check my work email and do my exercise. While exercising, I am feeling really good and have more energy than I have had in a while. So, I get on my rower to row 3000m. While rowing my mind is blank and I go into a meditative state. When this happens, I see the meters counting down (a countdown is commencing) – 1978 down through 1890’s. As the numbers countdown I have this idea that I am traveling backward in time, watching my own birthdate, my sister’s, my mom’s, my grandmother’s and even a past life. I think of how only certain era’s feel real to me (the 1900-2000’s) and wonder why this is. I answer my own question with, “It’s because life back then (pre-1900’s) was so very different to life now.” And, indeed, I feel this discomfort with pre-1900s and wonder why that is. Why is it uncomfortable? I consider how time is fluid and how, with just a thought, we as spiritual beings can move backward and forwards, just like I was doing in that moment, watching the numbers on my rower countdown to zero.
I decide to go on a walk but find my watch’s GPS (feeling no purpose/direction) is sluggish and doesn’t turn on until a half mile into my walk. I get somewhat irritated by this but eventually decide it doesn’t matter and that is when the watch’s GPS comes online. I realize then that I am walking for the wrong reasons and so head home early (reasons for walking – focusing on recording my miles, trying to “prove” to myself that I am better than others who are less physically active, seeking to be better than others).
I decide to give my dog (fidelity, protection) a good brushing and see a solitary flea (minor discomforts and annoyances) jump off him. I tell my husband when he comes home and he decides to go get some shampoo and flea treatment. I shampoo (cleanse old attitudes and beliefs) my dog outside and my kids helps. My youngest decides to play on his scooter, slips on the wet concrete and hits his head. My husband comes and gets him and I worry about him the rest of the night. Sure enough, he wakes with a headache, crying and my husband wakes me up to get the medicine and gets mad at me when I don’t want to wake up. He tears up my bed in his anger as I walk downstairs to get the medicine. I give it to our son and return to bed but am irritated at my husband for acting so childish and can’t go back to sleep.
Considerations
The above are what remains in my memory of my day but the most significant to me is the lucid part while I was exercising. Later in the evening, it was this event that had me considering how our daily activities could be interpreted in much the same way as our dreams. Besides, I’ve always considered dreamtime just as real, if not more real, than my day-to-day waking experiences. Now that I have reflected upon my day, it is clear to me that interpreting the events of my day is much more revealing than I thought it would be!
The printer experience and how it played out is significant. In life, I’ve noticed it can take a long time before I do something about an issue, especially if something requires I have to go out of my way to make an effort to resolve it. In this particular case, the printer had eaten one too many checks and I finally got fed up enough to take action and fix it. I have suffered through weeks of irritation and just now took action! And if I look at many issues in my life, it is exactly the same! Why do I take so long to change what I dislike about my life? What is that final straw that motivates me to make the needed change?
I find it interesting that with each of the more lucid moments of my day, I am alerted to something via my environment and later have a realization because of it. For example, the GPS not working points me to something I am doing in life for the wrong reasons and so I adjust my course accordingly. Similarly, the flea, which is a minor annoyance in my life, reveals itself when my husband annoys me with his angry outburst and wakes me up for something he could have handled on his own.
I am especially curious about my tendency to wait before I take action on those things which need resolution. I believe it is the perceived discomfort of initiating change that creates the resistance. Yet, there really is not that much discomfort at all, once I decide to act. Honestly, it feels good! So, why do I do this? Is this a human tendency? I wouldn’t call myself a procrastinator. Nor would I say I am “avoidant”. Lazy? Maybe, at times. Unmotivated? Most definitely!
So, maybe it is the end result that I am feeling is not worth my time and effort? Yes, I think that is it. If I can’t see a benefit that is greater than my effort to make a change, I don’t act. Huh. The thing is, what we see/perceive (future) is limited to what we have seen/experienced (past) and there are many potential futures that could exist beyond our limited perception and experience.
What could interpreting your day reveal to you? Try it.
My dreams were upsetting last night. The same male guide was present but no more Kundalini. Instead, it appeared I was being counseled/assisted – more healing work.
Dream: Waiting My Turn
In this dream I was outside in a garden with others. I remember we were all gathered to receive the introduction and instructions. We were awaiting our turns to have readings. I don’t recall ever receiving mine, but I remember interacting with others in the group and the garden. The garden had concrete benches, fountains, birdbaths, and statues in it. It appeared to be in someone’s back yard because there was a boundary of hedges surrounding it. There were stone paths winding through it, also, and the feeling was peaceful but anticipatory.
I remember meeting some people but the interactions are lost to me. Again, there was a man and a woman. One man in particular came up to me and told me, “I called you, you know.” I said, “You did? Oh. Well, I probably didn’t answer because I don’t answer calls from numbers I don’t know. You should have told me you were calling so I would’ve answered.” I didn’t recognize the man. He was slender, tall, dark haired and wore glasses. Somehow we discussed our ages and I learned he was 39. I remember telling him how I enjoyed being 39, that it was a good year. I briefly became caught up in the memory of it, which was nice. I felt loved, excited about life and optimistic about the future possibilities.
I remember my turn for a reading was coming up next and seeing the entrance to the space through the garden. It was a small door surrounded by greenery. There is memory of feeling like the reading would discuss certain issues I’ve had in my life. I don’t remember feeling excited about it because I had this sense that I would be told my future was not a good one.
Dream: Losing my Heart
Perhaps this was part of my reading?
I saw myself running a race with a man who was familiar. I believe it was my heart connection but he was always in front of me and I was trying to catch up to him. The race consisted of short laps back and forth within a gym-sized space. I remember running very fast and suddenly feeling my heart rate was too high. There was not much of the race left to run, only 30 seconds more, but my heart couldn’t tolerate it. I decided to quit the race, telling someone nearby I needed to stop before I passed out.
I remember discussing my decision with a man. He was asking me why I stopped when the finish line was only 30 seconds away. I told him I just couldn’t run any longer. Yet his questions left me wondering if perhaps I could have run that last 30 seconds. Maybe I overreacted? Maybe I gave up too soon?
Then I saw myself sitting on a bus beside my heart connection. Oh the feeling! We were very much in love and I remember him laying his head on my shoulder and reaching out to me over all others when he needed something. It was clear to me that he “chose me” and I chose him in return. I don’t recall anyone else on the bus with us, just row upon row of seating beyond what the eye could see. It was like time stood still in this part of the dream and I lingered in the feeling of being with him.
Something happened, though, and he suddenly left me sitting alone on the bus. It felt like he was distracted or pulled elsewhere; like he chose someone or something over me. I was left with this awful sinking feeling and horrible aching inside. No matter what I tried, the feeling persisted and I began to despair, sinking deeper into a dark abyss of heartache and loneliness. I have never felt so alone in my life!
In the dream I began to sob mournful sobs that shook my entire body. A weakness spread from my chest into my legs until my entire body felt like it would shatter into a million pieces. The grief was intolerable but the loneliness, the empty nothingness, was the worst. I’ve never felt so alone in my life!
The last thing I remember is a flash of a high school letter jacket or something like it. I think it was all he left behind.
Thawing Out
When I woke I was talking to my guide, tears in my eyes. Thankfully, the feeling of loss was fading quickly. What I did still feel was the love. I’ve never loved anyone so much! I realized my love for him has never faded. It is infinite, beyond time and space. No amount of pushing it away, pretending it never existed or numbing myself will erase a love like that.
There was full memory of the discussion behind the scenes of my dream. It was clear to me that the “memorial” from a previous dream was a memorial to my heart connection and our love. I knew in the dream I’d created it but I didn’t know who it was for. And I realized what the “freeze” was, the freeze that almost killed the bushes planted around the plaque. “The freeze” was a period where emotions and even life was “frozen”; put on hold. The fact that green shoots were coming out of the bushes is a positive sign. New life is emerging.
Recognizing all this was of no help. I could still feel that infinite love and the thought of continuing on in this life separated from that love, carrying an indescribable emptiness within, is unbearable. I begged again to be allowed to return Home because I know once I’m Home the burden I’m carrying will be lifted. I told my guidance, “I lost my heart when he left.” And it does feel that way, like there is a space in my chest where my heart use to be.
My guidance indicates possibilities still exists. I am unable to conceive of any such future. It has been five years, though, and the message is I am “thawing out”. What this means, I can’t say, but I suspect that there will be an opportunity to try again, to do what I couldn’t bring myself to do in the past. What all that entails, I can only guess. The memory of that time is mostly confusion, filled with not-Knowing, indecision and doubt. There was too much pain and emotion swirling around and I lost my anchor. It felt like I was caught up in a whirlpool; directionless and unable to determine what was up and what was down. I cannot go through that again, not without a firm anchor in place. But what is that anchor? A person? A path? A purpose? All of the above?
I feel depleted this morning so I know work was done in dreamtime. I have asked to remember more of what occurs behind-the-scenes. I was told it would be provided. I long to Remember again, even if it means I may have to confront things I would rather not.
It has been a very long few days (or week now?) and I have been exhausted. Rather than go into details, I will just say that last night I finally got some much needed, solid sleep, and along with it a nice surprise mixed with some curious dreams.
Kundalini Dream: Merged
I was invited to a meeting with other teachers. The feeling was that they were interviewing me but also that they wanted to see my reaction to the work they were doing. I recall seeing a small group of teachers, specifically, a woman and a man but there were others there, also.
In the “interview” I was asked about various work activities. What I recall most vividly is answering a question about PTO meetings. I told them I hated PTO meetings because of the type of people who attended. I don’t remember my specific description of the people but it was not positive and I said that I never truly felt invited to participate. The male teacher was amused by my rejection of PTO groups. The woman just seemed to nod and accept my opinion.
I remember feeling an energy from the man that suggested he was attracted to me. He kept his distance but every time I looked in his direction he was staring at me and I could feel his interest. It is hard to recall his appearance but he was very tall, over 6ft, and had broad shoulders and a square jaw with light brown hair. His eyes were piercing and somewhat squinty. I think they were brown. He had this quality to his energy that oozed masculine confidence.
Then we were outside in a garden-like space. I remember seeing an elevated area. It was a small, perhaps 4’x2′, raised cement planter. In the middle was a stone with an inscription on it that reminded me of a memorial plaque. On either side were stumps where some bushes had been. I knew I was the one who created this memorial and remembered the plants had been very green and healthy. I thought, “The freeze must have killed them”, but then noticed small, green leaves sprouting from the bases of both bushes. I said, “Look! They are still alive! The freeze didn’t kill them.”
At one point, after some more conversation, the man was standing right in front of me. He was so close that his chest touched mine. This is when his height was most noticeable because my forehead was at his collarbone. I could feel his interest in me still but it was much stronger. I said something to him like, “Yes?”, as it felt like he wanted to say something to me. But he never spoke a word. Instead, I could feel his energy merge with my own. It was as if both his chest and mine opened up and our energies/bodies blended into one. The main chakras involved were the sacral, solar plexus and heart. Once merged, the energy grew in intensity.
When this merge happened, there was a yellowish hue to the energy and from within it words and numbers appeared. The only bit of info I recall is the number 46, but there were several other numbers/words, and it felt like this was his response to questions I was asking. I do remember I asked him his name and his age as well as other questions. The way in which he replied was curious to me. I expected to receive a thought reply since my questions were sent as thoughts.
Our combined energy was so intoxicating and erotic that I couldn’t help but become lucid within the experience. Sadly, it woke me up and I lay there wondering what I’d just experienced. The energy lingered for a while and I could feel energy/pressure and warmth at my third-eye.
I remember the man from my dream being present as I awoke. His energy was right in front of me and so noticeable that it was as if he were physically there with me. He said to me, “There is more where that came from.” His communication was very audible and the quality of his energy the same as it had been in the dream. When I asked who he was, he answered with, “A friend.” I looked at the clock and it was 4:30am. I asked if I could go Home and he replied, “Why would you want to do that? You are here to experience…” and a wave of bliss came over me.
I wondered what had happened in the dream and soon realized me and the man had merged energies. He said, “I looked for an opening and I dove in. You know where it [the opening] is.” With this I saw what resembled a cup within my energy body. The “cup” was located just below my heart and right above my solar plexus. When he said, “You know where it is”, I saw/felt instantly where it was and mentally nodded. I knew that he was able to “enter” (dive into the “cup”) my energy via this opening and that the merge between us commenced from that central location, spreading up and down simultaneously until it became too much and woke me up.
Dream #2
Somehow I managed to return to sleep. The man remained with me and as I fell into dreamtime, he was also there. This time, though, he was taking me on a tour of the facilities where I would be working (remember I had been interviewing for a position). The first thing I saw was a single, white door. The door had a sign on it that said, “3D”. The man seemed to be offering me an option because upon seeing the door it felt like I was being asked to make a decision to open it and walk through it. I don’t know if I did.
Then there was a cylindrical structure in the middle of a room. It was silver and seemed to be made of metal. The structure went from floor to ceiling and had many tall doors located all around it. Surrounding the structure and extending beyond my visual field I could see row upon row of hospital beds with people dressed in white linens laying in them. In front of each of these people stood another person dressed differently – in regular clothing. When approached, the people in white would come out of their bodies and their spirit would be taken into and merge with the person who came to them. I watched several of these people in white, all elderly, rise up out of their bodies and disappear into the body of another.
It felt that I was meant to see this as an explanation of something happening on Earth and that I was here to help with this. My understanding was that these people were dying and I was to assist in their transition somehow. There were thousands of people in beds – more than I could count.
My reaction to seeing all this was calm. It felt like I was being reminded and the specifics are beyond my ability to remember or make sense of as a human. I do think I was being shown this because of my constant requests to return Home. I continue to be told I “have work to do”. It feels like, perhaps, my work is behind the scenes, assisting with whatever it is I was shown.
Dream#3
I shifted away from the scene and was back a school. This time I walked in as a visitor and wore a badge. I ended up in the classroom of the male teacher from my previous dream. I watched him teach a history class. He was very good at his job. I sat in the back and every once in a while he would look in my direction.
At one point he sent a student in my direction and I counseled her for a bit. She was not participating in class and I remember helping her by just listening and being there for her. She was complaining about history class and I remember saying, “History is nothing more than a story…” I also said something about how all she had to do was follow along and the story would do the rest. The man/teacher looked in my direction and gave me an approving nod.
As class ended I told him he was a great teacher and then left to explore the school. It was huge with many hallways and students. I remember seeking the bathroom and finding this odd doorway with a conveyor belt that took students one-by-one up to the bathroom. Another student was waiting in line and I asked when they had updated the bathrooms. She said it had not been long. I said, “I’m not going in there”, and left. It was just too weird.
Then I ran into an ex-student of mine. I only remember her name to be “Brittany”. She was sitting alone and upset about something. She was an overweight African American girl and when I saw her I seemed to know who she was, though I can’t place her from this lifetime. When I sat with her, she spoke to me telepathically about her upset. I only remember seeing pictures now and it seemed like her father had done something to hurt her. I hugged her close and kissed her on the cheek as I comforted her. I could feel waves of emotion come off of her as I did this and I began to cry.
As I woke, tears still in my eyes, part of a song was on my mind – “Pull me out, pull me out, pull me out….”
Considerations
For most of the day I’ve been feeling a kind of happy, blissed-out feeling, similar to how I feel when I am falling in love. It is a nice feeling and welcomed. Whatever happened with the merge, it has stayed with me, ignited something within, and it lies simmering under the surface waiting. Waiting for what? I’m not sure but it is a familiar feeling and comes with a sense of anticipation. When I think of the feeling I think, “I’m in love with being in love.” lol So, yeah, it’s nice.
I am intrigued at the information given to me by this man, whoever he is – guide? friend? He showed me how he initiated the merge and it was very simple. He just located an opening and in he went. And the opening was so obvious. I don’t think the opening is a bad thing. It feels like a lock and key location on my energy body – I hold the lock, someone else holds the key. The location of this opening was just above the solar plexus, so not in a place any traditional chakra occupies. However, it coincides with a spot on my spine – mid-back – at which I have felt an energy enter previously many times. What was curious about the merged experience is that it never ventured into the root chakra nor above the third-eye. It was almost like we just simmered there in each other’s energy.
The dreams are curious to me, especially the one with the cylinder. It seems like the 3D door opened up into this room full of beds and I was being shown what is happening on Earth. What specific event(s) it applies to, IDK, and it did not feel ominous like some of my premonitions do. It felt like the people in beds were dying/transitioning. Honestly, I don’t know what to make of it. However, I was reminded of a dream I had a few nights ago where I was shown how each act of compassion/love helped form a grid of protection around planet Earth. I woke up crying from that one because I saw how fragile that grid really is.
The last dream felt like I was being shown my role as counselor and how I can hold space for others, taking on their pain/emotion and allowing them to feel relief, even if only for a moment. But the emotion I felt was still very real and like my own, so not a fun job if that is part of what I’m here to do.
Still feeling a bit in awe of this dream/Kundalini experience. Wow.
Lately, I have been questioning Human Design, specifically the idea that certain aura types generate energy and others don’t. The idea that some auras don’t generate their own energy lends one to believe that those types then are “vampires of energy”, having to rely on generating types to have any energy at all. Otherwise, they are easily exhausted and unable to do much. I don’t believe this to be true.
As a non-energy type Projector, I’ve rarely if ever find myself exhausted like this when alone. Technically, since I don’t generate my own energy, I should be a total sloth or at best someone who is forcing herself to wake up and move around throughout the day. Yet, here I am, with plenty of energy, exercising 5 days a week, working full-time, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc, and I still manage to have energy at the end of the day. Sure, I live with 4 Generating types, but they aren’t home with me 8 hours of each week day. So, how then, do I happen to have so much energy for all the tasks and things I do all day?
What I see in HD FB groups I’m in is young Projectors justifying their lack of energy because of their Type. They say, “I’m too tired” or “I just can’t exercise like I want, I just want to sleep.” Huh? I just don’t have that reality. “I can’t” usually only happens to me when I get sick and that is rare. I am always moving around and I find that I have extra energy – which, BTW, makes sense because I have so many Generating types around me. Exercise helps me process that energy and keeps me balanced.
I remember my Projector friend being tired often when we were young and she still seems to be like this. I never understood it. Why is she always so tired when I’m not if we are the same Type?
The most that happens to me when around too much activity/energy is I get grumpy and need to get away for a while. But, I am also a 2nd line, and this is common. I spend most of my time alone and am very particular about who I spend my time with. Is this why I am not tired? IDK.
When I was a teacher around kids and people all day, I ended up with major insomnia. This was from all the energy I picked up during the day. I just couldn’t release it all there was so much. Once I dropped full-time, that stopped. So, for me, the only downside is that I end up with too much energy and struggle to release it all.
I think, perhaps, people are just misunderstanding the idea of “energy type”. All auras create energy and have sufficient amounts to sustain the organism, otherwise we would be dead. lol My theory is that the Types in HD are referring more to how the aura functions than to how much energy a person has or is capable of generating. So then, yeah, Projectors would accumulate energy and need to release it, but this doesn’t mean they don’t have energy otherwise!
Okay, now to my crazy dreams.
Dreams with one theme last night. I also woke frequently and slept much lighter than I have been.
Dream: Escort Wagon
I’m inside a small house, or maybe a tiny house. When I think of the space, I think of a gypsy wagon or something similar. Yet at times, this small space is very large and resembled the inside of a modern home complete with large, spacious kitchen and floor to ceiling windows. I also know I’m in Montana (mountains, spiritual journey).
There is a discussion behind the dream scenes that I occasionally catch pieces of. There is enough information to recognize that I have been given an opportunity to select from a group of men the man I want to have as my sexual partner. It feels like someone has gifted me with a gigolo, or male escort, but I am undecided on whether to accept the gift or not.
I recall being in a very nice kitchen (seeking nourishment, wisdom) with white, marble countertops, thinking specifically, “I don’t need a man. I can pleasure myself.” This is my strongest argument against taking advantage of the offered gift. I don’t see why I should bother with a man and all that goes along with one – their tendency to latch onto me and not let go, their expectations, their projections – all to curb my own desire.
Then I am in the living room. I am aware of men in the space with me. I believe there are three, but I specifically see two. Somehow I know these men are “from Montana” and I take note of this in the dream. They both have full beards (masculinity) that are very bushy to the point that the hair covers so much of their faces as to obscure their facial features almost entirely (trying to hide something). One man is very confident and explaining to the other man the “job” of escort. He struts around me and the other man, shoulders back, chest high, proclaiming his vast expertise and knowledge of how to pleasure a woman.
The other man remains quiet and his eyes are big. It is clear he is new to the job. He is happy to let the other man win.
The whole time it feels like I am suppose to select one of the men to be my partner.
The men in the house all begin to exit out the back door except the two standing in front of me. The over confident man chooses to take the dog outside for a walk. It feels like I direct him to do so but have no specific memory of this. I turn toward the window and locate the light switch (seeking illumination). There are three switches and I switch them on, one by one, to see which one illuminates the back yard. I am able to turn on lights that extend all the way back to the edge of the property. They are like flood lights but they only stay on a moment and then flicker off. I try to get them to come back on, but only get the front lights to illuminate. I say, “There must be something wrong with the electrical.” I see the man walking the dog outside and then turn back towards the other man.
I take the hand of the other man, the quiet one, and pull him towards me. I turn back to face the window as I wrap his arms around me, asking, “Are you nervous?” He is standing behind me, pulling me close, both of us facing the large windows. He says nothing. Instead tilts my head towards his own and gently kisses me. My lucidity must peak because I can feel and taste his mouth on mine (and I don’t feel a beard). He kisses me gently again and I hear him say (telepathically), “Let me try that again”. I feel my lower chakras begin to light up.
Just as I begin to fall into the ecstasy of the moment, I am rudely pulled out of the dream by a guide asking, “Why did you choose him?”
Conversation
Awake and a bit grumpy at the guide who intentionally pulled me out of a wonderful dream, I reluctantly answered his question. I said, “Because he is new to this. He is like me.” This answer came with a recognition of my feelings about the other man, the over confidant one. Though he likely would be the better lover because of his experience, his conceit was unattractive and I felt that if I selected him I would put myself at a disadvantage because I didn’t feel to be his equal. He would have total control and I would be completely at his mercy. To voluntarily put myself in such a situation would leave me vulnerable.
Yet, there was a part of me that was highly attracted to the over confident man and desired nothing more than to submit to him fully.
What is funny is that a scene from a nature show I saw long ago came to mind. It was about chimpanzees. The alpha male went around beating up the other males and having sex with all the females in front of the lower males to prove his dominance. Yet, when the alpha male was distracted, the females sought out the lesser males and had sex with them. lol
I wondered just how much of my dream selection was based upon a similar pattern, engrained in my genetic makeup, that continues to play out.
A discussion commenced on my rejection of the over confident man. I told my guidance that I didn’t trust that my feelings were my own. I cited my completely open solar plexus specifically. A completely open center means the person has no defined way of taking in information so they end up taking it in based upon those who are defined or have channels/gates to that center. The solar plexus is the emotion center. Since mine is completely open, the emotion I feel is fluid and has no definition at all. I amplify the emotion of others instead. So their feelings feel to be mine, but they aren’t. I can become easily confused by this, thinking I feel one way only to have that feeling completely vanish when I am not in the vicinity of that person.
I told my guidance that I feel I have no real emotion because of this openness and they said otherwise. They asked me to think of how I feel when alone. I mostly just feel bored, but I do experience a wide range of feelings like anyone else. And if no one is near me, these feelings must originate from me. However, they can become what I think I should feel (Not-Self) based upon conditioning over the years, especially since I have a completely open head center. The completely open head center seeks to find meaning in everything. So I feel something and think, “It must mean ____” rather than just letting the feeling flow naturally without any conditions attached to it. Then I have a completely open heart center that causes me to feel no motivation or desire toward any one thing. So I think, “I feel ____ so it must mean ____ and I should do _____.” This is my mind and not my strategy and authority BTW.
Lots to think about. lol
Now wide awake with a persistent guide that continued to ask me to review the dream, it took me a while to return to sleep.
Dream: Male Escorts
It seems the dream lesson was meant to continue. This time, though, I found myself at my mom’s house and my old bedroom. I was feeling very sexual and wishing I had a partner but preferred one that came with no strings attached. My consideration was still that I needed to be very careful because the men I’ve been with in this life tend to latch on for dear life.
Again, I was talking to someone behind the scenes and a male escort was suggested because there would be no strings attached. I found an advertisement in a magazine and called the number. A man answered and I told him what I wanted, though I was somewhat embarrassed when I said it aloud.
Within moments three men were in my bedroom with me, yet I was still talking to the main one on the phone. I was hesitant yet again, arguing that I could easily pleasure myself. “I don’t need a man”, was what I said/thought. This mirrors my thoughts in real time, too, as my experiences with men has left me preferring to leave them out of the act altogether.
This is when the three men began to send me images of what they could do for me and began to sway my decision toward inviting them to join me. The overall message was “the more the better” in terms of pleasure.
I remember being more curious about one of the men over the other two. He was a normal looking man (no beard this time lol) and I didn’t recognize him but then there was something familiar about him. I seemed to know he was there for a reason and memories of other times I’ve had dream encounters came to mind. I met my heart connection in the dreamstate over a year before I met him online. And another connection came in my dreams beforehand, also. Both times there was recognition – Knowing – that the men were not just dream characters but an aspect of a living, breathing person visiting me. And in this dream that same recognition was present. This man exists somewhere in the world and is visiting my dreams. Whether he is conscious of it or not, I can’t say.
There was still a discussion on-going behind the scenes. It was about my attitudes and beliefs regarding sex; what is “good” and “bad”, etc. There was shame behind the sexual visuals I was receiving. Shame at how they made me feel because I have been conditioned to think of desire as “bad” and “sinful”. I remember thinking it important that protection be used and being reassured protection would be provided.
Eventually, I hung up the phone but not before the man I kept feeling drawn to asked me for my credit card information and address. I was concerned that he would misuse the info, but someone reassured me that he could be trusted, so I gave it. He looked at me in such a way as I began to panic a bit because I saw/felt something in him. It was a feeling I’ve had before from a dream encounter. It was an, “Oh no” feeling. Yet when he left, I had this urge to follow him.
I ended up outside my bedroom standing in the kitchen. I found some people having dinner together. One lady looked at me and asked me something but my attention was on the two young men with her. I saw one go out the front door. The other was at the table. The feeling I got was that I didn’t belong there and these people were suspicious of me. It is a feeling I am use to.
More Discussion
When I woke I was concerned about the man I met in my dream and still had that “uh oh” feeling. My guidance wanted to talk about something else, though.
The discussion shifted to my environment specifically. They said, “We want to help you with your space.” I received much more telepathically about what they meant. They indicated that I needed to feel safe in my space and reminded me of my Human Design environment – Markets-Internal. Though I have created my own space, I do not feel safe in it. I don’t feel I have much control over who enters or leaves it. On top of this, I rarely if ever invite anyone into my space. A person with Markets-Internal thrives when they have a space of their own and invite others into it, others with similar interests to their own. The space becomes a safe place where ideas and knowledge are exchanged.
I was immediately reminded of my place in Denton, the place where I first practiced as a Psychic/Medium. I lived there alone with my dog but the living area was arranged to create a space for me to give readings. I had many, many people come into my home and receive readings and healing from me. I also worked part-time from a spiritual shop and had my own little space there where people came to me for readings.
The thing is, I rarely invite people into my space, not socially anyway. I can’t see how inviting people would work for me anyway. As a Projector, my job is the wait to be invited, not initiate. Additionally, I am part Hermit, so I don’t like people in my space, at least not just any people. I have to know and trust them.
It is interesting, though, how all the right people and situations just came to me. This was because I was in the correct environment. I know that now. Invitations come more readily when in the correct environment.
It is obvious that I am not in the correct environment now.
My guidance told me, “Don’t worry. We will help you.” But I felt somewhat hopeless. A song came to mind, though, which feels like reassurance.
Messages: “Don’t give up” and you’ve “got stamina”. 😉
Living Life in Between 