Category Archives: Dreams

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Kundalini Dream: Merged

It has been a very long few days (or week now?) and I have been exhausted. Rather than go into details, I will just say that last night I finally got some much needed, solid sleep, and along with it a nice surprise mixed with some curious dreams.

Kundalini Dream: Merged

I was invited to a meeting with other teachers. The feeling was that they were interviewing me but also that they wanted to see my reaction to the work they were doing. I recall seeing a small group of teachers, specifically, a woman and a man but there were others there, also.

In the “interview” I was asked about various work activities. What I recall most vividly is answering a question about PTO meetings. I told them I hated PTO meetings because of the type of people who attended. I don’t remember my specific description of the people but it was not positive and I said that I never truly felt invited to participate. The male teacher was amused by my rejection of PTO groups. The woman just seemed to nod and accept my opinion.

I remember feeling an energy from the man that suggested he was attracted to me. He kept his distance but every time I looked in his direction he was staring at me and I could feel his interest. It is hard to recall his appearance but he was very tall, over 6ft, and had broad shoulders and a square jaw with light brown hair. His eyes were piercing and somewhat squinty. I think they were brown. He had this quality to his energy that oozed masculine confidence.

Then we were outside in a garden-like space. I remember seeing an elevated area. It was a small, perhaps 4’x2′, raised cement planter. In the middle was a stone with an inscription on it that reminded me of a memorial plaque. On either side were stumps where some bushes had been. I knew I was the one who created this memorial and remembered the plants had been very green and healthy. I thought, “The freeze must have killed them”, but then noticed small, green leaves sprouting from the bases of both bushes. I said, “Look! They are still alive! The freeze didn’t kill them.” 

At one point, after some more conversation, the man was standing right in front of me. He was so close that his chest touched mine. This is when his height was most noticeable because my forehead was at his collarbone.  I could feel his interest in me still but it was much stronger. I said something to him like, “Yes?”, as it felt like he wanted to say something to me. But he never spoke a word. Instead, I could feel his energy merge with my own. It was as if both his chest and mine opened up and our energies/bodies blended into one. The main chakras involved were the sacral, solar plexus and heart. Once merged, the energy grew in intensity. 

When this merge happened, there was a yellowish hue to the energy and from within it words and numbers appeared. The only bit of info I recall is the number 46, but there were several other numbers/words, and it felt like this was his response to questions I was asking. I do remember I asked him his name and his age as well as other questions. The way in which he replied was curious to me. I expected to receive a thought reply since my questions were sent as thoughts. 

Our combined energy was so intoxicating and erotic that I couldn’t help but become lucid within the experience. Sadly, it woke me up and I lay there wondering what I’d just experienced. The energy lingered for a while and I could feel energy/pressure and warmth at my third-eye.

I remember the man from my dream being present as I awoke. His energy was right in front of me and so noticeable that it was as if he were physically there with me. He said to me, “There is more where that came from.” His communication was very audible and the quality of his energy the same as it had been in the dream. When I asked who he was, he answered with, “A friend.” I looked at the clock and it was 4:30am. I asked if I could go Home and he replied, “Why would you want to do that? You are here to experience…” and a wave of bliss came over me.

I wondered what had happened in the dream and soon realized me and the man had merged energies. He said, “I looked for an opening and I dove in. You know where it [the opening] is.” With this I saw what resembled a cup within my energy body. The “cup” was located just below my heart and right above my solar plexus. When he said, “You know where it is”, I saw/felt instantly where it was and mentally nodded. I knew that he was able to “enter” (dive into the “cup”) my energy via this opening and that the merge between us commenced from that central location, spreading up and down simultaneously until it became too much and woke me up.

Dream #2

Somehow I managed to return to sleep. The man remained with me and as I fell into dreamtime, he was also there. This time, though, he was taking me on a tour of the facilities where I would be working (remember I had been interviewing for a position). The first thing I saw was a single, white door. The door had a sign on it that said, “3D”. The man seemed to be offering me an option because upon seeing the door it felt like I was being asked to make a decision to open it and walk through it. I don’t know if I did.

Then there was a cylindrical structure in the middle of a room. It was silver and seemed to be made of metal. The structure went from floor to ceiling and had many tall doors located all around it. Surrounding the structure and extending beyond my visual field I could see row upon row of hospital beds with people dressed in white linens laying in them. In front of each of these people stood another person dressed differently – in regular clothing. When approached, the people in white would come out of their bodies and their spirit would be taken into and merge with the person who came to them. I watched several of these people in white, all elderly, rise up out of their bodies and disappear into the body of another.

It felt that I was meant to see this as an explanation of something happening on Earth and that I was here to help with this. My understanding was that these people were dying and I was to assist in their transition somehow. There were thousands of people in beds – more than I could count.

My reaction to seeing all this was calm. It felt like I was being reminded and the specifics are beyond my ability to remember or make sense of as a human. I do think I was being shown this because of my constant requests to return Home. I continue to be told I “have work to do”. It feels like, perhaps, my work is behind the scenes, assisting with whatever it is I was shown.

Dream #3

I shifted away from the scene and was back a school. This time I walked in as a visitor and wore a badge. I ended up in the classroom of the male teacher from my previous dream. I watched him teach a history class. He was very good at his job. I sat in the back and every once in a while he would look in my direction.  

At one point he sent a student in my direction and I counseled her for a bit. She was not participating in class and I remember helping her by just listening and being there for her. She was complaining about history class and I remember saying, “History is nothing more than a story…” I also said something about how all she had to do was follow along and the story would do the rest. The man/teacher looked in my direction and gave me an approving nod. 

As class ended I told him he was a great teacher and then left to explore the school. It was huge with many hallways and students. I remember seeking the bathroom and finding this odd doorway with a conveyor belt that took students one-by-one up to the bathroom. Another student was waiting in line and I asked when they had updated the bathrooms. She said it had not been long. I said, “I’m not going in there”, and left. It was just too weird. 

Then I ran into an ex-student of mine. I only remember her name to be “Brittany”. She was sitting alone and upset about something. She was an overweight African American girl and when I saw her I seemed to know who she was, though I can’t place her from this lifetime. When I sat with her, she spoke to me telepathically about her upset. I only remember seeing pictures now and it seemed like her father had done something to hurt her. I hugged her close and kissed her on the cheek as I comforted her. I could feel waves of emotion come off of her as I did this and I began to cry.  

As I woke, tears still in my eyes, part of a song was on my mind – “Pull me out, pull me out, pull me out….”

Considerations

For most of the day I’ve been feeling a kind of happy, blissed-out feeling, similar to how I feel when I am falling in love. It is a nice feeling and welcomed. Whatever happened with the merge, it has stayed with me, ignited something within, and it lies simmering under the surface waiting. Waiting for what? I’m not sure but it is a familiar feeling and comes with a sense of anticipation. When I think of the feeling I think, “I’m in love with being in love.” lol So, yeah, it’s nice.

I am intrigued at the information given to me by this man, whoever he is – guide? friend? He showed me how he initiated the merge and it was very simple. He just located an opening and in he went. And the opening was so obvious. I don’t think the opening is a bad thing. It feels like a lock and key location on my energy body – I hold the lock, someone else holds the key. The location of this opening was just above the solar plexus, so not in a place any traditional chakra occupies. However, it coincides with a spot on my spine – mid-back – at which I have felt an energy enter previously many times. What was curious about the merged experience is that it never ventured into the root chakra nor above the third-eye. It was almost like we just simmered there in each other’s energy.

The dreams are curious to me, especially the one with the cylinder. It seems like the 3D door opened up into this room full of beds and I was being shown what is happening on Earth. What specific event(s) it applies to, IDK, and it did not feel ominous like some of my premonitions do. It felt like the people in beds were dying/transitioning. Honestly, I don’t know what to make of it. However, I was reminded of a dream I had a few nights ago where I was shown how each act of compassion/love helped form a grid of protection around planet Earth. I woke up crying from that one because I saw how fragile that grid really is.

The last dream felt like I was being shown my role as counselor and how I can hold space for others, taking on their pain/emotion and allowing them to feel relief, even if only for a moment. But the emotion I felt was still very real and like my own, so not a fun job if that is part of what I’m here to do.

Still feeling a bit in awe of this dream/Kundalini experience. Wow.

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Dream Theme: Exploring Sexual Conditioning

Lately, I have been questioning Human Design, specifically the idea that certain aura types generate energy and others don’t. The idea that some auras don’t generate their own energy lends one to believe that those types then are “vampires of energy”, having to rely on generating types to have any energy at all. Otherwise, they are easily exhausted and unable to do much. I don’t believe this to be true.

As a non-energy type Projector, I’ve rarely if ever find myself exhausted like this when alone. Technically, since I don’t generate my own energy, I should be a total sloth or at best someone who is forcing herself to wake up and move around throughout the day. Yet, here I am, with plenty of energy, exercising 5 days a week, working full-time, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc, and I still manage to have energy at the end of the day. Sure, I live with 4 Generating types, but they aren’t home with me 8 hours of each week day. So, how then, do I happen to have so much energy for all the tasks and things I do all day?

What I see in HD FB groups I’m in is young Projectors justifying their lack of energy because of their Type. They say, “I’m too tired” or “I just can’t exercise like I want, I just want to sleep.” Huh? I just don’t have that reality. “I can’t” usually only happens to me when I get sick and that is rare. I am always moving around and I find that I have extra energy – which, BTW, makes sense because I have so many Generating types around me. Exercise helps me process that energy and keeps me balanced.

I remember my Projector friend being tired often when we were young and she still seems to be like this. I never understood it. Why is she always so tired when I’m not if we are the same Type?

The most that happens to me when around too much activity/energy is I get grumpy and need to get away for a while. But, I am also a 2nd line, and this is common. I spend most of my time alone and am very particular about who I spend my time with. Is this why I am not tired? IDK.

When I was a teacher around kids and people all day, I ended up with major insomnia. This was from all the energy I picked up during the day. I just couldn’t release it all there was so much. Once I dropped full-time, that stopped. So, for me, the only downside is that I end up with too much energy and struggle to release it all.

I think, perhaps, people are just misunderstanding the idea of “energy type”. All auras create energy and have sufficient amounts to sustain the organism, otherwise we would be dead. lol My theory is that the Types in HD are referring more to how the aura functions than to how much energy a person has or is capable of generating. So then, yeah, Projectors would accumulate energy and need to release it, but this doesn’t mean they don’t have energy otherwise!

Okay, now to my crazy dreams.

Dreams with one theme last night. I also woke frequently and slept much lighter than I have been.

Dream: Escort Wagon

I’m inside a small house, or maybe a tiny house. When I think of the space, I think of a gypsy wagon or something similar. Yet at times, this small space is very large and resembled the inside of a modern home complete with large, spacious kitchen and floor to ceiling windows. I also know I’m in Montana (mountains, spiritual journey).

There is a discussion behind the dream scenes that I occasionally catch pieces of. There is enough information to recognize that I have been given an opportunity to select from a group of men the man I want to have as my sexual partner. It feels like someone has gifted me with a gigolo, or male escort, but I am undecided on whether to accept the gift or not. 

I recall being in a very nice kitchen (seeking nourishment, wisdom) with white, marble countertops, thinking specifically, “I don’t need a man. I can pleasure myself.” This is my strongest argument against taking advantage of the offered gift. I don’t see why I should bother with a man and all that goes along with one – their tendency to latch onto me and not let go, their expectations, their projections – all to curb my own desire. 

Then I am in the living room. I am aware of men in the space with me. I believe there are three, but I specifically see two. Somehow I know these men are “from Montana” and I take note of this in the dream. They both have full beards (masculinity) that are very bushy to the point that the hair covers so much of their faces as to obscure their facial features almost entirely (trying to hide something). One man is very confident and explaining to the other man the “job” of escort. He struts around me and the other man, shoulders back, chest high, proclaiming his vast expertise and knowledge of how to pleasure a woman. 

The other man remains quiet and his eyes are big. It is clear he is new to the job. He is happy to let the other man win. 

The whole time it feels like I am suppose to select one of the men to be my partner. 

The men in the house all begin to exit out the back door except the two standing in front of me. The over confident man chooses to take the dog outside for a walk. It feels like I direct him to do so but have no specific memory of this. I turn toward the window and locate the light switch (seeking illumination). There are three switches and I switch them on, one by one, to see which one illuminates the back yard. I am able to turn on lights that extend all the way back to the edge of the property. They are like flood lights but they only stay on a moment and then flicker off. I try to get them to come back on, but only get the front lights to illuminate. I say, “There must be something wrong with the electrical.” I see the man walking the dog outside and then turn back towards the other man.

I take the hand of the other man, the quiet one, and pull him towards me. I turn back to face the window as I wrap his arms around me, asking, “Are you nervous?” He is standing behind me, pulling me close, both of us facing the large windows. He says nothing. Instead tilts my head towards his own and gently kisses me. My lucidity must peak because I can feel and taste his mouth on mine (and I don’t feel a beard). He kisses me gently again and I hear him say (telepathically), “Let me try that again”. I feel my lower chakras begin to light up. 

Just as I begin to fall into the ecstasy of the moment, I am rudely pulled out of the dream by a guide asking, “Why did you choose him?” 

Conversation

Awake and a bit grumpy at the guide who intentionally pulled me out of a wonderful dream, I reluctantly answered his question. I said, “Because he is new to this. He is like me.” This answer came with a recognition of my feelings about the other man, the over confidant one. Though he likely would be the better lover because of his experience, his conceit was unattractive and I felt that if I selected him I would put myself at a disadvantage because I didn’t feel to be his equal. He would have total control and I would be completely at his mercy. To voluntarily put myself in such a situation would leave me vulnerable.

Yet, there was a part of me that was highly attracted to the over confident man and desired nothing more than to submit to him fully.

What is funny is that a scene from a nature show I saw long ago came to mind. It was about chimpanzees. The alpha male went around beating up the other males and having sex with all the females in front of the lower males to prove his dominance. Yet, when the alpha male was distracted, the females sought out the lesser males and had sex with them. lol 

I wondered just how much of my dream selection was based upon a similar pattern, engrained in my genetic makeup, that continues to play out. 

A discussion commenced on my rejection of the over confident man. I told my guidance that I didn’t trust that my feelings were my own. I cited my completely open solar plexus specifically. A completely open center means the person has no defined way of taking in information so they end up taking it in based upon those who are defined or have channels/gates to that center. The solar plexus is the emotion center. Since mine is completely open, the emotion I feel is fluid and has no definition at all. I amplify the emotion of others instead. So their feelings feel to be mine, but they aren’t. I can become easily confused by this, thinking I feel one way only to have that feeling completely vanish when I am not in the vicinity of that person. 

I told my guidance that I feel I have no real emotion because of this openness and they said otherwise. They asked me to think of how I feel when alone. I mostly just feel bored, but I do experience a wide range of feelings like anyone else. And if no one is near me, these feelings must originate from me. However, they can become what I think I should feel (Not-Self) based upon conditioning over the years, especially since I have a completely open head center. The completely open head center seeks to find meaning in everything. So I feel something and think, “It must mean ____” rather than just letting the feeling flow naturally without any conditions attached to it. Then I have a completely open heart center that causes me to feel no motivation or desire toward any one thing. So I think, “I feel ____ so it must mean ____ and I should do _____.” This is my mind and not my strategy and authority BTW.

Lots to think about. lol

Now wide awake with a persistent guide that continued to ask me to review the dream, it took me a while to return to sleep. 

Dream: Male Escorts

It seems the dream lesson was meant to continue. This time, though, I found myself at my mom’s house and my old bedroom. I was feeling very sexual and wishing I had a partner but preferred one that came with no strings attached. My consideration was still that I needed to be very careful because the men I’ve been with in this life tend to latch on for dear life. 

Again, I was talking to someone behind the scenes and a male escort was suggested because there would be no strings attached. I found an advertisement in a magazine and called the number. A man answered and I told him what I wanted, though I was somewhat embarrassed when I said it aloud. 

Within moments three men were in my bedroom with me, yet I was still talking to the main one on the phone. I was hesitant yet again, arguing that I could easily pleasure myself. “I don’t need a man”, was what I said/thought. This mirrors my thoughts in real time, too, as my experiences with men has left me preferring to leave them out of the act altogether. 

This is when the three men began to send me images of what they could do for me and began to sway my decision toward inviting them to join me. The overall message was “the more the better” in terms of pleasure. 

I remember being more curious about one of the men over the other two. He was a normal looking man (no beard this time lol) and I didn’t recognize him but then there was something familiar about him. I seemed to know he was there for a reason and memories of other times I’ve had dream encounters came to mind. I met my heart connection in the dreamstate over a year before I met him online. And another connection came in my dreams beforehand, also. Both times there was recognition – Knowing – that the men were not just dream characters but an aspect of a living, breathing person visiting me. And in this dream that same recognition was present. This man exists somewhere in the world and is visiting my dreams. Whether he is conscious of it or not, I can’t say. 

There was still a discussion on-going behind the scenes. It was about my attitudes and beliefs regarding sex; what is “good” and “bad”, etc. There was shame behind the sexual visuals I was receiving. Shame at how they made me feel because I have been conditioned to think of desire as “bad” and “sinful”. I remember thinking it important that protection be used and being reassured protection would be provided.

Eventually, I hung up the phone but not before the man I kept feeling drawn to asked me for my credit card information and address. I was concerned that he would misuse the info, but someone reassured me that he could be trusted, so I gave it. He looked at me in such a way as I began to panic a bit because I saw/felt something in him. It was a feeling I’ve had before from a dream encounter. It was an, “Oh no” feeling. Yet when he left, I had this urge to follow him.

I ended up outside my bedroom standing in the kitchen. I found some people having dinner together. One lady looked at me and asked me something but my attention was on the two young men with her. I saw one go out the front door. The other was at the table. The feeling I got was that I didn’t belong there and these people were suspicious of me. It is a feeling I am use to.

More Discussion

When I woke I was concerned about the man I met in my dream and still had that “uh oh” feeling. My guidance wanted to talk about something else, though. 

The discussion shifted to my environment specifically. They said, “We want to help you with your space.” I received much more telepathically about what they meant. They indicated that I needed to feel safe in my space and reminded me of my Human Design environment – Markets-Internal. Though I have created my own space, I do not feel safe in it. I don’t feel I have much control over who enters or leaves it. On top of this, I rarely if ever invite anyone into my space. A person with Markets-Internal thrives when they have a space of their own and invite others into it, others with similar interests to their own. The space becomes a safe place where ideas and knowledge are exchanged. 

I was immediately reminded of my place in Denton, the place where I first practiced as a Psychic/Medium. I lived there alone with my dog but the living area was arranged to create a space for me to give readings. I had many, many people come into my home and receive readings and healing from me. I also worked part-time from a spiritual shop and had my own little space there where people came to me for readings. 

The thing is, I rarely invite people into my space, not socially anyway. I can’t see how inviting people would work for me anyway. As a Projector, my job is the wait to be invited, not initiate. Additionally, I am part Hermit, so I don’t like people in my space, at least not just any people. I have to know and trust them. 

It is interesting, though, how all the right people and situations just came to me. This was because I was in the correct environment. I know that now. Invitations come more readily when in the correct environment. 

It is obvious that I am not in the correct environment now. 

My guidance told me, “Don’t worry. We will help you.” But I felt somewhat hopeless. A song came to mind, though, which feels like reassurance.

Messages: “Don’t give up” and you’ve “got stamina”. 😉

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Dream: Conjunction of Moon and Sun

I continue to study Human Design. The more I learn, the more questions I have and the more I want to know. So, finally, I made an appointment for a Foundation Reading. It is on May 24th. I will share what I learn after my reading. Until then, I will continue my exploration and share what I find along the way. Currently, I am looking more deeply into attraction channels and what I have learned are known as the Kundalini channels. Pretty cool!

Sleep continues to be deep and dream-filled. Most of my dreams are odd and many mornings I wake up Knowing things that I didn’t know prior to bed. This Knowing is like a download of information that all points to one, single conclusion. These conclusions are related to my process and quite private, so I will leave them that way.

The below dream came this morning and I wanted to share it because a familiar symbol presented itself. I also felt very free and hopeful in this dream, something that doesn’t happen too often these days.

Dream: Conjunction of the Moon and Sun

The beginning of the dream I was in a large house with my husband and the kids. He was on the phone with a woman scheduling some activity for the kids. I got upset at him for this but he wouldn’t listen to me and kept making the appointment. I remember getting so upset that he wasn’t listening to me and I couldn’t stop him that I began to pinch his cheek really hard. Someone observing mentioned how it looked and I didn’t care. I was too upset. I realized in the dream that I was being shown a dynamic that needed to be seen. It wasn’t to shame me but to bring awareness. 

The scene shifts. I assume I left on a walk. I was outside and saw it had snowed. It was a heavy, wet snow and already melting. Seeing the snow brought me joy and I put on some skate skis and took Monty for a walk. I got out my phone and took video of myself as I did this, sharing that I woke up and there was snow and I was going to enjoy it before it melted. I remember looking around me in awe of the serene beauty I found myself in. There is something peaceful and calm about freshly fallen snow.

As I took the video, I captured an amazing sight. I saw this golden glow in the sky beyond the trees. When I noticed it, I thought it was the sun it was so bright, but then a glorious full moon shown through the trees and clouds parted to reveal it in all its majesty. It was gigantic, like unnaturally large, taking up the entirety of my visual field. The colors on the video were breathtaking – yellows, oranges and pinks. It was a sunrise or sunset of unprecedented beauty!

I came to a hill and my skis began to slip underneath me as I put away my phone. I looked up to find the moon and it was hidden behind the trees but I could still see the magnificent colors in the sky around it. I climbed up the hill, pulling myself up with great effort. When I reached the top, the moon had risen higher but the sky was still very bright. The moon looked more normal. A white sphere in the sky.

I walked toward the house. On the porch, which was covered in melting snow, I ran into my mom who was asking me why I hadn’t taken her bags to be recycled at Wal-Mart. I told her I went for a walk and pointed to the sky. This is when I noticed the moon and the sun were in the sky at the same time. The sun was on the left and the moon was on the right. They were not touching, but close enough that it was very obvious what was happening. Their combined light was breathtaking. It created this white brilliance. I remember saying, “Good things are coming.” I was filled with hope and awe for what I felt was coming, but the specifics of this future event was not present. I recognized the sign I was being shown as I had seen it in many dreams before. The moon and sun in the sky, together and very close, meant a conjunction was coming, one where masculine and feminine energies blend together in Union.

I decided to continue and ski before the snow melted. I left the porch, going past a bunch of elderly people sitting and taking in the view. This part of the dream is full of this fun feeling as I skied so fast that I am surprised I didn’t fall. Monty chased after me as I went through field after field of snow. There was this chaser being chased feeling, a feeling of being a child again; care-free.

Eventually we came to a snow-covered playground. Monty ran into it and I slowed. Two people were clearing the area and preparing it for people. I heard a male voice say to the woman in front, “We have to get this cleared.” 

I continued on but saw Monty did not come with me. I turned around and saw a man petting him. I went up to a wire gate and called Monty. The man looked up at me with a huge smile and commented on how friendly my dog was.

This is when the dream shifts and I am suddenly watching this blonde woman speaking to a group. She is saying thank you and telling them “I feel like I know you all!”. She is standing within a wired enclosure that resembles a giant cage.

Then the scene shifts again and I am laying in bed with my heart connection. I am laying on his left and on his right is another woman with dark hair. I am upset that he has this woman close to him. I want to be the only woman in his life. Yet he is holding us both equally as if he wants us to share him. My mind is reeling. I know that the connection he has with this other woman is older than the one he has with me. They have more history. Knowing this makes me feel uncertain and afraid of losing him to her. I don’t like the feeling. I think I will do anything to get her out of the picture, even kill this woman. This thought disturbs me.

As I begin to wake, a disturbing image comes to mind. It is a Golden Retriever chewing on the arm of a person who is still alive. I know she is being eaten alive and cringe. The woman does nothing. She just lays there and lets the dog eat her. I want to help her. I wake up.

When I wake up, a song is going through my mind:

Where are you now
Where are you now
Where are you now
Where are you now

Take me home, I feel homesick
I don’t know where I’m going
Too many faces, but none I know
And I’m alone on the subway home
On the subway home

Interpretation

The first part of the dream seems only to show me something about myself. What I took from it was that I play a part in the disagreements that exist between myself and my husband. My anger at my inability to incite any kind of change overwhelms me and I fall into a negative pattern. The trigger seems to be feeling unheard.

The second part of the dream feels like a message related to a previous message I received about “after the snow melts”. Snow is symbolic of something unchanged; frozen. It often represents feelings that have gone “cold” or a sense of being stuck and unchanging. That the snow is melting is positive. Movement and change is coming; freedom. I am able to see the beauty in the snow and rather than succumbing to the cold/frozen feeling, I embrace it and ski. Skiing represents breezing through a difficult situation; feeling accomplished for surviving a difficult time.

The moon represents the feminine. That it is rising up and appears so big and beautiful is likely a symbol of my own feminine nature. Perhaps I will feel free to finally fully embody my feminine nature? The steep hill indicates a struggle but not a big one, since I easily reach the top.

I don’t know what the encounter with my mom symbolizes. The best I can figure is that she represents the “wise” version of myself. The recycling she has is likely representative of a time of regeneration. I need to rest and regenerate. the sun and moon in the sky brings me hope and I seem to know what it means. With this I enjoy myself until the dream shifts and I see a woman in a cage. Perhaps she is me? But then she seemed so happy to be in that cage!

The shift to being with my heart connection was unexpected. I believe it may be a warning of some past life tendency toward jealousy. Hopefully, I am not going to have to confront karma related to killing someone!

Finally, the vision of the woman being eaten alive. My guess is that it represents my situation. I am allowing someone or something to eat me alive. Golden Retrievers represent family ideals. Perhaps I am being “eaten alive” because I am loyal to my family/the idea of family? Ouch!

Lots to digest and process from this dream, that’s for sure!

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Dream Healing Experience

Sleep didn’t come as easily last night. As soon as I got into bed I felt a strong energy from out in front of me and slightly to my left. Initially, when I sensed it, the energy felt urgent and I felt like jumping out of bed and acting on that urgency. This is when I questioned the energy and heard back, “We are here to help you” and sensed a very large group of Beings – the Council of 12 is what I have called them in the past. Though I felt tired and my eyes were heavy, when I attempted sleep I tossed and turned until just before midnight.

Dream Healing Experience

I found myself inside an apartment with a young, blonde man. I was questioning why I was there. He seemed nice enough and resembled someone I met back in 2015. I remember feeling extremely drowsy. 

I sat down on the floor and propped myself up against a sofa. The young man plopped down next to me. As we talked, his energy was very calming and surrounded me in a kind of cocoon of energy. The energy was beautiful and caused my drowsiness to intensify. I discovered that I was this man’s roommate and the attention he paid me caused me to worry he might be interested in a relationship with me. He stayed very close, touching me at all times with some part of himself. His energy said, “It’s okay. You’re safe and loved. Talk to me”. I remember thinking, “He’s like me” and being relieved but my eyes were so heavy and all I wanted to do was rest for a bit. I told him this but he continued to hover. I closed my eyes, enjoying his energy, and he began to shower me with kisses all over my face. I told him I just wanted to lay there with him and asked him if he could hold me. He appeared to do this and for a brief period I surrendered to the amazing comfort and safety of his arms.

Then, suddenly, a strange woman wearing a long dress was standing in the doorway to the apartment. She had long, wavy, dark hair and a serious look on her face. The young man jumped up in a hurry and told me he had to go to work. He was wearing khaki pants and a matching shirt as he left through the front door. The door was odd, though. It was not solid and seemed to be made of a thick mat of beads or a similar material. I stood as he closed the door. It didn’t shut completely and he returned to push it into place. 

Seeing it was morning and I was all alone in a new place, I began to investigate my new home. As I looked around I was thinking of my situation. I knew I had lost my job. In my mind I was mulling over all my previous jobs and remember feeling as if someone suggested a previous employer as an option. There was no concern or worry about my situation. I seemed to just accept it.

I sat down at the kitchen table and was surprised by an young Asian woman. She was drinking a soda (happy, upbeat attitude) and I noticed I had one, too. I asked her name and she gave me a name that didn’t make sense, so I asked her what her family called her. She told me she couldn’t tell me. In talking with her, I soon learned the apartment was much larger than it seemed and at least eight others lived in it. These others began coming into the kitchen at this time but I only recall four or five of them, some male, some female. The Asian woman asked me if I was going to drink my soda. When I said I wasn’t, she asked if she could have it and when I agreed she took it eagerly.

I took a closer look at the kitchen. I had this empty feeling and I felt like I needed to fill it with something, food maybe. There were groceries all over the countertops but it was mostly loaves of bread (basic needs in life). I briefly mentioned they must like bread as I thought that I would certainly have to go shopping for more foods items because bread alone wouldn’t suffice. Then I asked if they had a coffee maker. The Asian woman said they did. I asked if anyone drank coffee (seeking more awareness), she said she would but only with a certain kind of creamer. I took note of this as an item to add to my shopping list. 

Throughout all this I was conversing with them about my situation. I mentioned that I was paid $250/week and this information seemed off. I didn’t become lucid in the dream, though. All at once I realized that I had lost everything – my job, my house, my family, my identity even. My reaction to this was shock and an expansion of the empty feeling I had previously. There was a brief panic at not knowing what to do.

The next thing I know, I am standing outside the door to the apartment. I don’t know how I got there but it felt like I’d been kicked out. Feeling abandoned and alone, I began to wander the streets aimlessly.

I came to a busy area where people were walking about or sitting at tables. I saw some guys attempting to bully a young, nerdy guy into handing over his valuables. I walked up to them and slipped my hand into his pocket and retrieved a wad of money. The bullies had in their hand a folder and were looking through it. One mentioned how good I was as a pickpocket. The other, holding the folder, pulled out some sheet music and then put it back inside. I turned to the nerd who was standing there in shock. I asked his name and he gave me a name that started with a “V”. Somehow I knew he was a musician. I felt bad for him and ashamed at myself for taking his money but I needed the money. I had to eat.

As I walked away, I turned to see the crowded space of people of all ages and races. I noticed something was off and went to investigate. I found a young black mother and her daughter, both dead, sitting at one of the tables. The daughter had her throat cut from her neck all the way down to the middle of her chest. I look around and saw no one there even noticed. They were all too busy. I went up to the dead mother and daughter. I placed their bodies next to one another on the floor, wrapping the daughter in her mother’s arms. Then I pulled a blanket up and around them, covering them completely. 

In this moment I am transported back to the apartment. All of the roommates are there hovering around me as I stand at the entrance. It is similar to another dream I had recently. I feel like a child, very naïve. For some reason I excitedly announced that I learned one could find food by looking for the trucks “with the light”. 

Sudden realization hit me. I thought, “I’m acting like a child.” And as soon as the thought hit me, I burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. 

What I recall of this moment is my thoughts and the feeling from the group that surrounded me. My main thought was the world is a horrible place full of self-serving individuals. I am reminded of the dead mother and daughter and how no one even noticed or tried to help, caught up in their own life dramas. I thought of how those bullies took advantage of the nerd. Again, self-serving behavior. I was both horrified and shocked by what I experienced. The feeing was there was no hope for this planet or the people on it.

I remember pausing for a moment. My tears stopped and I looked at the people standing around me. When I felt their energy and support, I burst into tears again.

The feeling from those who surrounded me is unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I felt wrapped in a bubble or cocoon of energy. I remember thinking, “They are like me”, and recognizing they were somehow directing or manipulating the energy, my energy. I thought they must be reflecting my own energy back at me or something, but this didn’t seem right. The feeling of being in the cocoon was the most wonderful, safe, feeling I’ve ever had. I could be completely open and vulnerable. I could be myself without worry of judgement or expectation. I realized that being this way is all I’ve ever wanted but because I sense how people truly are, I’ve never met anyone I can be 100% myself with. It was such a relief to finally let go. 

As I began to wake up from the dream, I could hear soft music accompanying my tears.

After Waking

When I woke I was sobbing, the kind of sobbing where I can’t breathe. Even when I stopped, the tears would seep out unexpectedly. I realized how trapped I feel in this world. Abandoned. Alone.

I remember that during the dream someone was talking to me about certain people in my life, people I would rather not be around and so avoid. When asked if I would reconsider, I felt into their energy and could not tolerate it. My reply was, “No”. Then I said, “I’m with the wrong people (in my life)”. The people I should be around should make me feel like the roommates in my dream. 

As I lay in the in-between I remember catching pieces of a conversation. What is funny is that whenever I tried to focus on what was being said, it would instantly be lost to me. I was told it was purposeful, and I understood. The feeling of it was enough. I remember Knowing that difficult times were ahead, similar to the situation I found myself in during the dream. A feeling of all being lost. The dream served as a warning of this but also a message that I would find my people, people who “are like me”. What that means, I don’t know exactly. In the dream I remember thinking they must be Projectors or Reflectors (HD) because of how their energy felt. I didn’t feel like my own energy was being sucked dry; depleted. It was such a relief.

I questioned my guidance regarding the music that was playing. It was was like a scene from a movie and I knew I should find some humor in it, but I didn’t. Soon enough, though, another song came to mind: “Well you look like yourself but you’re somebody else only it ain’t on the surface. Well you talk like yourself but I hear someone else and now you’re making me nervous.” I understood my guidance was letting me know their concern.

This is the whole song:

I wrote the above portion of this post early this morning and came back to it now (mid-day) because the feeling from my dream returned briefly and brought on more tears. It feels like whatever is going on isn’t over. There is a sense of something big, or an “uh-oh” type feeling of anticipation.

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Re-Calibration and Dream

Woke up this morning realizing that I am probably done with the spiritual work of my past. Meaning, I’m most likely never going to do readings or mediumship or medical intuition or any of those things to the extent that I did before I got married. Other, younger individuals, are taking up those reigns. They are the ones receiving the communication and having the expansive experiences now. It kinda made me sad to think of it but then I know this is part of the cycle.

There is a super moon right now and I had hoped for some experiences in my sleep. Kundalini would’ve been nice. A trip OOB like I use to have, visiting ETs, other worlds and living/breathing space ships would have been good, too. Nope. I just had a dream where I was outside, climbing in a tree telling my husband I am going to quit school and watching cars drive at night without headlights. WTF? lol

I know my guidance advised me not to look too much into my dreams, but here it is anyway:

Dream: Quitting School

I find myself suddenly standing outside the elementary school I attended in 5th grade. I am at the back of a line of young students, about five to ten feet from the group. A teacher is asking them to be quiet and fix the line. She is making threats like, “We will stand here until you can listen, even if it takes all day” and “Everyone get five others to follow directions”. The kids are trying to stand in a straight line but they are struggling. Some want to wander, others are just not understanding what “straight” means, and still aren’t listening because they are talking to their friends or just distracted by the world around them. 

As I watch, I recall being the student and the teacher and going through this routine. I wonder, “Why is it so important that the line be straight and the kids don’t talk?” I think how the new generations will challenge those who attempt to get them to do things that make no actual sense and serve no other purpose than to force them into submission. 

As I am standing in line, I am able to see and experience the scene from all perspectives. I have 360 degree vision. As a result, I turn and face myself, zooming in on my body standing there observing. I realize I am wearing my night shirt and long pants. I return to my own perspective feeling a bit confused and worried that I am not properly dressed. I think I should ask the teacher, “Do you have a school shirt I could wear?” But I don’t ask. Instead, it feels like an outside force pulls me back out to take another look at myself. My visual field is focused as if looking through a telescopic lens. It zooms in on the front of my t-shirt where a large rose is centered over my chest. I am reminded of a similar occurrence the night before where this rose was illuminated. I feel/Know it is a message.

The scene shifts. I am in a void but recall talking to my husband or someone who feels like him. I recognize that I am attending school a second time around and, as is a common theme in my dreams, I protest this because I have already graduated. I think (or maybe it is suggested) perhaps I could learn something new by retaking all my classes? I recognize this is possible because I always find more info on second, third and even forth reviews of subject material. The possibilities are infinite. 

Then I find myself in front of my house. It is early morning and still dark. I hear and then see my husband across the street. He has our dog, Monty, and is crossing the street to get a ball. Our neighbor is a bit down the road and out of sight walking her own dog. The ball is hers. I yell to my husband to be careful of cars and to not draw her dog out into the street.

This is when I realize I am up in a tree. It is a small tree with thin branches standing no more than eight feet high. I am observing the scene from the tree and realize the conversation about school is on-going as the scene unfolds. I tell my husband (or someone who feels to be with me), “I’ve decided to quit school. There is no point in redoing all the coursework when I’ve already graduated. I can just stop attending, so I’m done.” When I say this I feel freed of the conditions I’ve found myself in. I realize it is my choice and no one can force me to go to school. I briefly imagine the scene at the beginning of the dream where the children are in line. I imagine myself saying to the kids, “You don’t have to stand in line. Come with me this way!” and then inviting them to follow me off to explore and be free. 

I climb down the tree as I say this and watch as a car drives down the road toward my husband. It’s headlights are off so it is nearly impossible to see the car. I yell a warning and see another car coming from the opposite direction. Again, it’s headlights are off. I walk toward the edge of our yard. My neighbor is walking to her house with her dog. I say, “Why don’t they have their headlights on? It is still dark.” She says something like, “Yeah, I know!”

My lucidity peaks at this point and I wake up.

Considerations

Upon waking I was feeling very disappointed and depressed. The realizations I wrote at the beginning of this post came to me. It feels like it is all over – like my work is done. I don’t see the point of continuing in this life and body as I cannot see or even feel what path I would take. 

As I was thinking this, I felt a pull toward my guidance and felt all at once to be receiving large quantities of information but there were no words. Whatever I was told, though, caused me to calm down and surrender. I felt relieved, but I don’t know why. Then I heard the word “timing” and “patience”. I responded that I am tired of waiting. It seems like that is all I ever do.

Interpretation

When I’ve dreamed of quitting school in the past, I always thought it meant that I am asking to leave this life and return Home. Since I’ve had this dream so many times in the past, I Googled the symbolism again in case I am missing something. The dream meaning of quitting school is this:

If you dream of leaving school, then this indicates there is going to be an improvement in your living conditions or home life going forward. Our attitude to our work ethic and life in general is formed whilst at school, which, in most cases sets out rules and various moral values which help us move forward in life.

I didn’t actually leave school in my dream, so it is an indicator that I am approaching a crossroads situation. My guidance told me I am being “calibrated”. I’ve been told this in the past. It means I am being prepared for something to come. The suggestion about learning through repeating school is that there is always something new to learn.

The part of the dream where I am watching the children in line feels to me to represent my time “on the roof”. In HD this is the period in which the 6th line observes. What I see is that society is stuck in the old ways. The souls arriving now will not conform to the old “rules” and expectations. I see that change is a requirement. The fact that I imagine “freeing” the children and allowing them to explore and uniquely express themselves is a positive sign. I have recognize what is needed and am willing to assist. As a 6th line, the whole end result is to step into being a Role Model. Perhaps my role has to do with children – or at least the younger generations who are going through their own awakenings at this time? 

The focus on the rose on my chest is interesting. My first thought is this is asking me to listen to my HS (G center), which in HD is my authority.

The rose is a symbol of the entirety, the higher spiritual world order. When you dream about a rose this usually represents love in some fashion but it can also represent fertility, admiration, rebirth and fidelity. The color of the rose also has a special meaning in your dreams. Red roses are most often for love and romance…..pink roses indicate unexpected help.

The rose on my shirt is mostly pink with yellow and orange. A rose in full bloom symbolizes rebirth.

Climbing or being in a tree indicates that I have reached a period in my life where I am experiencing the “height” of my career or success. It does coincide with my family’s affluence at this time so that makes sense to me.

The headlights being off on the cars as I watch from a distance are yet another indicator that I am able to perceive what others cannot or will not. The symbolism of no headlights is that an objective view will be reached but it will come with limitations (can’t see far ahead). In the dream there is just enough light to see the cars and surroundings but the low light prohibits clarity. 

Tired

I’ve been more tired than usual. I sleep deeply and struggle to wake up. Opening my eyes is a chore. It feels like a heavy weight is pulling them closed. Once I get up, though, I am fine until the evening. Then, the heavy feeling returns and I often end up in bed before 10pm because I just can’t keep my eyes open. 

I’ve been taking it easy when it comes to exercise. I am usually very active with at least 2+ hours of physical activity of some kind five days a week. With my recent illness (cold/allergies) and fatigue, I decided to take some time off. Today, however, I felt like exercising so I went for a mile run followed by a bodyweight circuit. Ugh! Well, my body said “Hell no”. lol I still completed everything but not without needing more rest than usual. 

Sometimes listening to my body is a loss for me. I am use to powering through tiredness and lack of motivation and coming out feeling wonderful in the end (endorphins). But lately I just want to take it easy, go for walks or do yoga. It likely goes along with the “calibration” my guides mentioned. There is definitely something going on. I can feel it, especially at night and when I wake in the mornings. So I am going to do my best to listen.

Something that crossed my mind this morning was that I should probably shift back toward eating less meat and more veggies – so vegetarian/pescatarian. When I wonder why this is, it feels like meat contributes to a sluggishness in my energy. It does take longer to digest meat and the energy signature of most meats has never agreed with me. Whether I will do this long-term or not is yet to be decided. I think I will just start with trying to eat less meat and go from there. I think combining this change in diet with less strenuous exercise may be just what I need.

What is Spiritual Calibration?

I finished writing this post and then a thought came to me: What if readers aren’t sure what I mean when I say “calibration”? I thought, “Sure they know. It means I am being prepared to take in more Light.” But the feeling I got back was, “Are you sure?” So, since I’m not sure, I will provide a reference for you since I cannot post any part of it here (copyright reasons) – Spiritual Calibration. Go to paragraph 13 if you want to get straight to the info.

Basically, the channeled information says that spiritual calibration is a preparation of our Earth energy body to accept energy from “higher” sources. Higher in this instance really means of a “higher vibration”, not necessarily indicating direction.

So what exactly is happening to us/our energy bodies/physical bodies during calibration/re-calibration? The specifics are not given to me but I know very well how it feels to experience it. All of the above physical symptoms are usual for me. What I understand is happening is that my energy body is getting an upgrade. A new version of my energy body is being brought online. This version will be better able to receive and process the incoming energy so that I won’t suffer any physical or mental side-effects. The fact that I am experiencing the deep sleep, fatigue and slowing down in itself indicates my system is “offline” right now. It won’t be this way for long, just long enough to complete the calibration process.

About 90% if those who previously received upgrades are getting another one right now. So if you’re feeling like me, just listen to your body, take it easy and enjoy some rest. If you don’t, you could end with worse symptoms. Panic attacks are my “you’re doing too much” sign. <— NOT fun!

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Update and Dream: Would You Have Dinner with Me?

For the past two nights I’ve slept really, really good. My dreams are numerous and vivid and when I wake I find it difficult to keep my eyes open. I LOVE it! I only had a few days of lighter sleep before the deeper sleep returned. It just so happens it coincided perfectly with geomagnetic activity. When the chart was in the green, I slept lighter and woke earlier. When it was in the red, even just a little, I would fall into a wonderful, deep, restful sleep. My children and husband have reported similar sleep patterns. My husband said he sleeps a lot but never feels fully rested. He reports feeling more stressed, tired and hungry.

Despite all the dream activity, I’ve not been too interested in writing about my dreams. I do still write down the occasional dream but have really no interest in them lately. I will be including one in this post because it feels linked to a previous dream, though.

Before I post my dream, I wanted to share a communication I received this morning about the current energies.

What’s going on right now: re-calibration of new energetic blueprints; upgrades to those already established (awakened) on Earth (90% affected); awakening “codes” transmitted to those previously not awakened which may or may not be consciously received. The total “image” is pixelated (mentally confuses) so any attempt to make sense of it will not have the desired results. 

What I see (visual field): bluish wave of light entering Earth’s atmosphere which looks like it is coming in from the northwest. As the energy descends I see what resembles “fingers” or tendrils of energy reaching down. 

Instructions on processing the received energy: Let it happen, allow without analyzing, be the Observer, walk in the Light/be the Light. Dreams will provide insight but resist the urge to analyze. Stay out of the mind.

Dream: Would You Have Dinner With Me?

[Shift from previous dream] I am walking inside a mall. I can see shops left and right but I don’t recognize the place and wonder how I got there and why I am there. To my left I see a small restaurant. A man is standing, back to me, talking to the owner. I recognize the man as my friend and think, “He must have stopped in to check on his old business.” It felt like he sold his business long ago but that he sometimes came by to chat with the new owner and see how things were going. I think it coincidental that he and I happen to be in the same place at the same time and decide not to let the opportunity to say “hi” pass by.

As I walk up behind the man, I noticed the restaurant is undergoing renovations and the owner is not the one who bought the place originally. I think, “It must have been sold again.” When I reach the man I say, “Hi”. I can’t recall my exact words now, but it was something like, “Fancy seeing you here.” The man turned and looked at me, his face morphing as he moved. He shifted into someone who resembled my friend only. His face was very similar but his body went from thin to obese and his expression was sad, like he was grieving.

The man looked at me questioningly and with surprise. I knew he did not know who I was. I think I had already said, “I use to love eating here” and then mumbled uncomfortably about something as I turned and walked away.

I walked a few yards and stepped down into a circular (cycles of life, infinity) pit that was about six to eight feet in diameter and a foot deep. I knelt down and began to dig (seeking something, “digging” deep within) with a spade into the black, fertile dirt. It felt like I had created this pit but I have no idea why. Perhaps it was a garden? A garden in the middle of a mall, though? lol As I dug, I was feeling foolish and a bit confused about what had just happened. It had felt like I must have been there to meet my friend, so why was it someone else?

As I dug, deep in thought, out of the corner of my eye I saw the man walk past me toward a nearby bench. He stopped and watched me for a bit. I glanced up at him, feeling a bit nervous and uncomfortable. I stopped digging and said, “It use to be a great place to eat.” He nodded his head in agreement. I noticed again how similar he looked to my friend but the shape of his body and smoothness of his face were dissimilar. He seemed younger. Again, I felt that he was quite sad and I sympathized with him because I, too, was sad. I remember feeling that we were the same.

The man then asked me a question. He asked, “Would you have dinner with me?” Taken by surprise, his question propelled me into sudden lucidity. My mind took some time to catch up with my dream experience, which is probably a good thing. In the moments after his question, I remember thinking a response back to him, “Yes, I would like that.” 

Considerations

In a swirl of energy I felt pulled back to body awareness. It was like I was suctioned out of the dream. My mind was confused initially because of my immediate, positive response to the man. I was thinking, “That is not like me. He is not my type.” Yet I knew that the reason I said yes was because I recognized myself in him and nothing about him felt to be threatening. Here was someone like me, who was sad and alone. Here was someone that maybe I could help and who could help me. 

Still, though, I was confused. Who was this man? Was he my friend or someone else? Was his appearance shifting like that meant to show me a part of my friend who I had not yet acknowledged? 

The heaviness of sleep kept lulling me back into the in-between and I lost some time because of this. I have no idea where I went but when I returned I had some thoughts that I feel I should note here.

Yesterday, out of the blue, I had an answer to a question I had not gotten to ask in a recent dream. I meant to ask the man in my dream, “So what is the problem?” The question came to me when I said to myself, “The problem is I don’t want what I have.” Ha!

When this revelation was recalled I did think about it a bit. I was reminded not to judge myself for feeling how I feel. I was reminded that it is OK to not want what one has. It doesn’t mean I need to try and force myself to want what I have, which is what I would normally try to do (it doesn’t work). There is nothing wrong with feeling how I feel. Still, I struggle to know exactly what it is that I want! Ugh!!! (the frustration is very real!)

Yet I still consider that wanting of anything is what keeps me from having it (one of the rules of the Universe). I keep telling the Universe, “I want [fill in the blank]”. Instead, I need to tell the Universe, “I have [fill in the blank with what I want].” Yet, for me, the blank remains blank because I can’t articulate what I want. I can only feel it. 

And so that is what I did and I became lost in the feeling of what it is I want for some time. My heart sparked only slightly, so I know that I hit upon something, even if it was momentary. 

Then there were the lyrics from songs going through my head. Two different ones. The first was, “All along, baby, I should’ve been number one.” And the other was the same from yesterday – “And I want you to [Remember] me. Come closer, come closer.” 

It is not lost to me that the question the man in this dream asked me has been asked of me before. In this Kundalini dream I was asked/told, “Have dinner with me”. In that dream my response was that we should just have sex and get it over with. lol So my response was quite different this time around. My immediate feeling is that my sense of the person asking the question is why my response is so different. The dream from January indicates that I am not interested in a man whose sole interest in me is sexual. The dream from last night indicates I am much more interested in someone who is vulnerable and seeking companionship. The second man also feels “safe” to me. I feel drawn to him out of love and compassion, not lust/passion. I think the two tell volumes about who I am and what motivates me when it comes to relationships with others.

Updates

I want to take some time to update on some things in my life.

My idea to build a cabin or lodge on my mom’s retreat land has been put on hold. A week after my mother told me she would love for me to build on the land and help with the retreat, she FB messages me that she and her husband decided it wasn’t a good idea. They want to turn the main house, the house they live in, into the lodge. I was a bit disappointed at first but not upset by the information. I knew immediately what had happened. My mom’s brother, who knows about the idea, likely told her he didn’t like the idea because it meant someone living within view of his own home. My step-father would be against it for two reasons. First, when my sister and her family lived with them, it threw him back into drinking and almost destroyed his marriage to my mom. Second, both my step-father and my mom worry my living there even part-time will lead to divorce. Neither of them believe in divorce. Despite divorce not being the plan, I understand their reasoning and do not fault them for it. I am okay either way.

It actually surprised me that I reacted the way I did – with relative calm. When I inspected this, I realized it is because I am okay with leaving that family land behind. I feel “done” with it. And a part of me really wishes there was no land because of the trouble it will bring in the future, when my mom passes away. She has me as executor and I do NOT look forward to the mess that will ensue because my sisters, both struggling financially, will be fighting over the scraps. Sigh.

In other news, after being sick and rundown for over a week, I asked my husband to take over most of my duties for a full week so that I could get the rest I needed. It was wonderful to have someone else cook dinner and clean up the kitchen every night! The kids griped about it because they are use to me and my cooking, but they got over it. We have worked it out that he will cook dinner three times a week and I have promised to leave the house cleaning alone so that he has a chance to contribute. It is very hard for me to leave dirty dishes in the sink, but I am trying!

Today I have been counting my blessings and intend to continue to do so as often as I can. The number one blessing on my mind is our financial situation. We just got our quarterly distribution and it was well over what is the norm. The business is booming and we find ourselves in a state of affluence.

We just recently had an accountant do our 2020 taxes and our tax bill was ridiculous! We are most definitely paying our share in taxes and to anyone who says business owners should pay more in taxes, you obviously haven’t ever owned a business! As it is, we have to pay the IRS our taxes in advance (quarterly) now in order to avoid a penalty. And even in doing that, it doesn’t guarantee we won’t have to pay more when we file our taxes.

Despite being in affluence for a year already, I am still in a state of disbelief. It feels like we won the lottery, except we are winning it every quarter. And the real shocker is that my husband only owns 20% of the company at this time. Eventually, he (we) will own half. So what we are making now is less than half of what we will eventually be making (insert shocked emoji).

I am still considering leaving my position with the company because, as it stands, twice my entire yearly pay is going back to the IRS in taxes. Sure, I get my pay monthly like everyone else, but my income just adds to our ever increasing tax bill. I don’t really even like my job. It is just a job and honestly, anyone with any financial sense at all could do it. The thing that keeps me from leaving is that I would technically be withdrawing from my own business and letting down “the team”. My husband and his brother are also wanting me to become the Chief Financial Officer when they buyout the third shareholder who currently holds that position. I don’t know if I want to be that person; however, I don’t know if I like the idea of it being in a non-family members hands. It would help if I knew what I would do if I wasn’t working there – but I have no clue. Funny thing is, ten years ago I would have had plenty of ideas but we just couldn’t afford for me to not work. It is ironic that now that I have the perfect set of conditions, I feel completely blank and unmotivated toward those things I once prayed I could have the freedom to do!

My husband and I now have financial planning meetings to determine what to do with the distribution we receive. As a result, we split the remaining money (after taxes, savings, bills, etc) between us to do with as we please. He always has a long list of what he wants to buy but I rarely, if ever, have anything on my own list. My money ends up in savings because, well, I don’t know what else to do with it. Maybe, after some time has passed and the shock/disbelief wear off, I will have a list, but I doubt it. The things I want are intangible and can’t be bought.

The irony of my life is not lost upon me. I spent all my life up until now wishing to have lots of money so I didn’t have to work and didn’t have to worry about survival. Here I am with everything I asked for and I don’t know what to do with myself.

What would you do?

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Kundalini Dream Message: That’s Not the Problem

Unexpected Kundalini surprise in a dream this morning. It’s the first time in a long while that I’ve felt good upon waking. 

But first another short dream, one where I see my grandmother.

Dream: Wrinkled

This dream is fuzzy now but when I had it, it was quite vivid.

I am outside near my grandparent’s chicken coup and rabbit hutches. It is dark and the scene seems to shift between being outside to a dark room. My grandmother is with me and when I realize it is her I apologize to her for having her run so much. In my mind I am seeing my grandmother sprinting across the yard. It feels like I am training her to help her lose weight and get in shape. I mention to her that she was 82 at the time and probably too old to be running. She reassures me that I did not cause her death. I feel somewhat better. 

The conversation shifts to old age and wrinkles. My grandmother mentions how old and wrinkled her face got as she aged. I see her face clearly, remembering fondly how beautiful she was. I tell her that I think her wrinkles are beautiful. They come from smiling and singing. I trace the smile lines around her cheeks and say the singing wrinkles are the most beautiful to me.

Message

I woke up remembering my grandmother and considering the messages in the dream. A whisper of a question came to me, “How long has it been since you last sang?” I knew the answer was, “Too long.”

The messages, hidden in symbolism in the first part, seem to point to out how I am fighting a losing battle. Trying to outrun old age doesn’t work. It finds us all. Getting older can be a beautiful thing. It feels like she was suggesting that I will “run” myself to death if I continue in the direction I am going. She, herself, did similar. The suggestion is to focus on “smiling” and “singing”, which to me means doing the things that bring me joy. Singing is one of them. I don’t smile or sing very much these days. 

The dream comes after I told my personal trainer I need to take a break. For two weeks I am going to take it easy. After that I will start back on training, hopefully with a new mindset. I struggle with the idea of stopping altogether because I know that I need to keep my body healthy and exercise is the way to go. However, too much and with the wrong goal in mind, will not make me happy. Love for one’s body doesn’t mean forcing it to look a particular way, it means listening to it, down to a cellular level even, in order to better gauge what it needs. 

Kundalini Dream: That’s Not the Problem

The dream begins with my return from a vacation with my family. We arrive at a classroom (life lesson). It resembles an elementary classroom. My memory of where I was is not accessible. All I recall is a plane followed by being at the classroom door. There is also memory of parting ways with someone, a man who accompanies me. 

The man, who I can’t see but is standing behind me, asks me a question before I enter the classroom. He asks, “Are you sure you don’t want to come to the library (to seek wisdom) with me?” When he asks me, I recognize the time is 4pm and that he is suggesting I skip school and go with him. I tell him I need to go but don’t speak any words. He sends me a feeling of, “Okay, your loss” and leaves. His general energy is positive and somewhat amused, like he is saying, “I told you so”, in advance.

When I walk into the classroom it is very full. All the desks have young students in them and a female teacher is at the front. I ask the teacher what is going on, why is my desk occupied? She tells me they are playing a game and points to the back of the classroom. She says, “You can sit there.” I see what looks like an upside down bucket (self-restraint). I think, “She wants me to sit on that?” I feel insulted but don’t argue. I look at the floor as I walk to the back of the room and sit in the makeshift “desk”. 

I observe the “game” for a while from the back of the classroom. It appears the students are enjoying themselves but I can’t remember any specifics about the game except that students would walk down the isles of desks one at a time. 

Looking around me, I see clothes hanging from hooks above my head. It reminds me of a souvenir shop. I see t-shirts and tank tops with various messages written on them. I decide I want one, because, why not? But I can’t see any I like. 

Meanwhile, the students are all very immersed in their game. I am invited to take part but decline the invitation. I am just not interested in playing. The sense I get here is that I don’t belong and is similar to how I often feel in life. I watch people “playing the game” all around me but rarely, if ever, participate. 

Then I get a text message on my phone. When I look at who sent it, I realize it is the man who dropped me at the classroom door. I think, “Why is he texting me?” The sense is that this man is just an acquaintance and not someone who would communicate with me outside of work hours. 

When I read the text I instantly realize this man is much more than he seems to be. The text itself is lost to me (which is disappointing!) but the feeling I get as I read it is very vivid. He tells me that what I am doing is not working and gives me a synopsis of my current life issues. The issues involve my current relationship specifically. I do, however, remember the last thing he said, which was, “But that’s not the problem.”  

As I read his text, my heart chakra exploded with bliss, feeling to open up to the point that it extended all the way to my feet. I instantly knew the man’s intentions. It was a complete surprise, totally unexpected. I had no resistance whatsoever. If there was any, it melted away. All I wanted to do was respond to his invitation with a “YES”.  

Let It Happen

Before I could ask him to elaborate on what he said, I woke up, heart still expanded and bliss pouring through my body. I was thinking, “Tell me what the problem is” as I woke and I was a bit miffed at myself for waking up before I could get an answer. I knew there wouldn’t be one. I would be left hanging, but I didn’t care. I was too caught up in the heart bliss. Oh how I’ve missed it!!

I remember thinking to myself, this (the heart bliss) is what I’ve been missing. I can have all the orgasmic, erotic, tantalizing Kundalini one can imagine, but without the heart bliss, it will always be lacking. Without the heart, the merging of Heaven and Earth cannot – WILL NOT – happen. 

To my surprise, the heart bliss remained for a long while after (at least an hour) and I dipped into the in-between where I communicated with the man in my dream who sent the text message. Whether he is a guide, a person, or both, I can’t say. We talked. My mind was going all over the place, questioning what this experience meant and wondering if there would be more. What I heard in response was, “Just let it happen”. Ha! Just like the song I wrote about here. 

A chorus of a song was going through my mind while I lay there floating in bliss. This is the part I recall:

Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind

The more you say, the less I know
wherever you stray, I follow
I’m begging for you to take my hand
Wreck my plans, that’s my man

When I finally got out of bed for the day, I had a slight pulling in the left side of my chest. It wasn’t painful but it was enough that I knew a block had been released, or was releasing. This isn’t really much of a surprise because I have been so emotional lately. I’m pretty sure I’ve been doing some heavy duty clearing work in my sleep. 
Another song was going through my head as I got out of bed. It repeated:

And I want you to unravel me (but I heard “Remember me”)
Come closer, come closer……

by

Let Your Light Shine

Woke this morning in tears. Sleep has been good but with good sleep comes dreams and, in this case, counseling.

Dream: Earth is Hell

The dream began in a large, open space like a school cafeteria. There were tables where stations had been set up. I knew I was a teacher and attending a gathering of other teachers.

I remember working with a student. He was about 10 years old, African American and very troubled. All the students I worked with were troubled. There were other students in the group with him and I was giving them various tasks, most simple cleaning tasks. When I gave this boy a task he outright refused and walked away. I followed him and saw his anger at knowing I was not going to give up on him. I remember knowing I needed to approach him carefully, that any pressure would cause him to get confrontational. I knew he was capable of physically injuring me and would if provoked. So, I opted to be gentle and patient with him despite wanting to shake him vigorously in my impatience. He listened but I remember knowing he didn’t hear my words, so I focused on sending him love and acceptance. I somehow knew through the whole interaction that I was practicing and that I was meant to practice in this space. I also knew my human self would not be so patient. But the more I practiced, the more likely my human self would Remember.

Afterward, I went to a “station”. They were handing out slips of paper and other teachers were taking them. I remember seeing students across the room. I felt very tired. A coworker took a slip of paper, volunteering for some project. I remember not wanting to participate in any of them. She sat with for a bit, giving me a choice of 4 questions to answer. I selected the question about my “condition”. I told her I was disinterested in life and very sad. I remember worrying about telling her this. I thought, “I’m depressed. If they know I’m depressed they may fire me.”

The woman listened attentively and offered support saying, “We will help you.” She then pointed to a man across the room mentioning he had just separated and was available. I assumed she meant he was single and she was looking for a relationship. I suggested she talk to him and she smiled and gave an excuse. Looking back on this, I am not sure that was what she meant.

Then I was walking through the same space to a section that was set up as a gym, only the machines were none I recognized. I tried using a few but didn’t know how to operate them. I just ended up feeling foolish as I got tangled up in them. Some I recognized must be massage chairs, others I couldn’t figure out at all.

At one point I walked past some men sitting in a group using machines. I sat in the machine hoping to use it but had no idea how. One man asked me about something I was carrying on my back. I hadn’t noticed it. He told me, “That is something a coroner (preoccupied with death) uses” and pointed to a room I could see through a large viewing window. I thought, “Janitor’s closet” but he said “coroner”. He suggested I put it back and I began to look around but had no idea where to go. He said, “Here, let me take it for you.” He lifted the contraption off my shoulders, smiling. I thanked him and looked more closely at the thing he took off me. It looked like it had stirrups with cuffs and long chains. I wondered how it was used. Just like all the other things in this “gym” none made any sense to me.

I walked to a more isolated section and saw my husband sitting on the floor. I mentioned to him that they had saunas (he was looking to use one yesterday) and he just smiled and pulled me toward him. This is when I saw a tiny pair of grey toddler shoes. I said to him, “Look! These look just like the ones Elek use to wear.” I had a moment of nostalgia and then pulled away. I remember feeling his needy energy and not wanting to stay in it.

I ran into my mom and we walked around together looking at stuff in the gym. We approached a podium and there was a woman there who seemed like a host. On the podium was a small box that had something inside. When I opened it, I saw it was full of tobacco. I put it all back in and thought I should give it to my Mom’s husband who smokes.

There was another group of people sitting together in yet another machine. It had rounded edges with comfortable seats like inside a hot tub. In each seat was a person with a pencil. I recognized the game and said, “Look, their playing your game – Words with Friends! You should join them.” My mom joined them happily.

Nearby, a man was standing with a group of people. They were discussing purgatory. Someone asked me if I believed in hell. I said, “Earth is hell. I should know, I’ve talked to the dead all my life.” When I said this I felt a familiar feeling inside. It is like a part of me lights up. At the same time I feel like everyone around me is receptive to what I have to offer. All attention is on me. I realized then that I was speaking my Truth. I Remembered where I come from and the stark contrast between that place and the one I was now living (not in the dream) was upsetting. I became overwhelmed at all the darkness and despair. I could feel it seeping into my Being. It was so dark.

At this moment I felt someone put their hands on mine. When I looked up, a whole group of people were gathered close around me. They were sending me unconditional love and acceptance. They recognized and truly saw me.

The last thing I saw was the woman who had put her hands on mine. The way I experienced it, I must have been on my knees because they were all standing over me so closely they formed a dome over my head. The woman was familiar.

Let Your Light Shine

I woke up in tears and lay in bed sobbing for some time.

I knew the woman whose face I had just seen in my dream. I don’t know why I didn’t recognize her in the dream. It was so obvious who she was. It was the woman whose job I now have. The woman who had died of cancer, who I had watched slowly deteriorate and lose connection with this reality. She always loved me and believed in me. She was so gracious, calm and patient in life yet she was very much like me. We got along wonderfully and she would confide in me things she would not normally tell people. She always told people how much she loved me, though she never told me this. It seemed pre-destined how our meeting and departure happened.

But it was not grief that woke me. It was Knowing that I had fallen into the darkness and was being lifted out. As I woke the group from the dream communicated with me, telling me that I was never alone and to return to that feeling of love and acceptance anytime I felt overwhelmed by this place. They reminded me that my normal state of Being was one of openness, acceptance and love.

The tears came freely when I was told this because I Knew it was correct. And in that moment I could feel so much! All the energy and emotions of the Earth, the Collective on Earth. I didn’t know what to do with it all. How does one manage? It is too much! I can’t help everyone, but that is all I want to do. I want it all to go away, to stop, to make it all better.

I instantly recognized that I had been protecting myself from the overwhelming state of this place by shutting down but it was not working anymore. My purpose is to feel deeply all of it. They assured me that if I took refuge in Them, that I could and would succeed.

Eventually the tears stopped but I couldn’t sleep. My guidance continued to talk to me. Instances in my life flashed in my memory. They told me, “Let your Light shine”. With it came a memory from when I first started teaching. The schizophrenic student I had. I’d been called to a special meeting to discuss him. I was told by another teacher there, “You are the only one of his teachers we could invite.” When I asked why, they told me that his illness manifests as him seeing everyone as evil and dark. He would not listen to anyone who he perceived to be this way. His mother told them that he described me as an angel, one of the only ones that wasn’t dark/evil. My memory of that time is a picture. In the picture I see a Light Being whenever I think of his description of me. I am also overcome with such grief at the memory because, in the meeting, they said to the student, “Look Chris. Your teacher is here.” He looked at me without any expression, but he did look. After that meeting I broke down in tears in my car.

That student never returned to school. He was institutionalized.

I was also reminded of a question I had asked before sleep.

My husband and I had a disagreement before bed. So, I went to bed wondering what was wrong with me. Why did I feel the way I did and react the way I did all the time? Surely I must be a control freak?

Then I was reminded of something I had realized in March. It wasn’t that I was a control freak. It was that I wanted to help. All of it came from that place within me that wishes only to be of service. Yet it feels like no one, not even my husband, wants my help.

March 29: Practicing my Design

Loud noises in my house me woke me up. I heard the distinctive sounds of weights hitting the floor and knew my husband was working out. When I got out of bed and saw my husband he was doing squats. I immediately saw he had incorrect form and was trying to lift too much weight but I didn’t say anything. In the past, when I’ve attempted to help him by showing him correct form, he has gotten very irritated with me. I knew that saying something to him would likely create the same response from him and so kept silent. It was at this point that I my strategy came to mind. I need to “wait for an invitation” before giving advice or helping, but I knew he would never ask. I thought to myself, “But he might hurt himself using that much weight and incorrect form.” 

I went downstairs, walking right past him and fighting the urge to offer assistance without an invitation which is what I normally do. I remembered reading that if an invitation is not given and the Projector feels they just absolutely need to inform that the Projector can ask the person if it is okay for them to help. 

When I came back upstairs my husband was finished with his workout. When he walked by me I asked him if he would be okay if I offered him some advice on his form. He immediately began to talk about how he thought I might comment on this or that and I let him because he was right, in the past I had just offered up my critique without him asking for or wanting it. This had led to him holding some resentment and he needed to express it. When he was finished I said, “Will you accept my help or not?” He laughed and said, “Yes.” I asked, “Do you really mean it?” And he agreed that he did.

When I showed him what I saw and provided him with the information I felt he needed so that he would not injure himself he began to laugh. The main thing I was showing him was that he was not pushing his hips/butt back as if sitting down which is the main motion of a squat. He was laughing because when he was younger his brother and father would laugh when he pushed his butt out because he has very well defined glute muscles. He said that ever since then he has been overly aware of his butt when he squats. I said, “You want to push your butt out. You have a beautiful butt!” lol Based upon his reaction my help was well received.

I was left feeling very proud of myself for handling the situation like I did. However, I felt somewhat sad at the same time. I am a CPT and have all this knowledge yet so few request my knowledge and I find myself offering it up without invitation all the time. This has led to so many negative responses. The most common is that people react as if I am a know-it-all and they are put off completely by this. They think I am judging them or trying to make them wrong somehow. This has been my life theme and it is utterly frustrating. I have taken numerous losses. I have several family members who desire to lose weight and get healthy yet none of them ever really persists when it comes to working out, eating healthy, etc. My SIL even invited me to work out with her and it went well but then she never extended another invitation. Instead, she hired her own trainer and attempted to lose weight that way without much success. I took her actions as an indication that something about me was off-putting to her. Maybe I gave her too much instruction before she wanted it? IDK but it has been the same with other family members and even one woman who seemed to want a running partner yet stood me up when the time came. So, my overall feeling is that it does me no good to try out a career as a personal trainer because, as a Projector, starting my own business like that will automatically fail without people extending an invitation for me to do it. Without the invitation I am dead in the water. 

The other day it occurred to me that one of my reactions to people rejecting me so frequently is that I offer up my advice anyway and just accept that they will respond poorly. I have even become confrontational at times, especially with family or people I know on a more personal basis. I figure if they aren’t open to hearing me that at least I will have said what they need to hear and at some level the information will be received. I would rather them receive it than not at all and have accepted that people will come to resent and even hate me. I think “Fuck it. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.” 

But lately there is a part of me asking, “How has this worked out for you?” And what I’ve found is that, yes, I get to say what the other person needs to hear, but in the end it has alienated me from people and left me even more isolated. At the very least it has created upset among family members and left this ridge of energy that never truly goes away. And as a result of this constant feeling of rejection, I have become less and less likely to accept invitations when they come. Invitations to gatherings especially. Honestly, I dislike most gatherings anyway so not going is usually my response. So, I avoid birthday party invitations from extended family members, trips or event invites from family members, even invitations for lunch or other very relaxed, one-on-one invitations with my husband or family. I’ve just lost interest in pretty much any social-type situation and most people have figured out I’m not interested, taking it personally. I usually hear from my husband when someone says something. I’ve heard that they think I don’t like them, which isn’t wrong but isn’t completely accurate. I don’t like sitting through the pretense, listening to random life stuff and discussing things that are of no interest to me. 

For me, I guess, my method of forcing my Knowing onto people is how my bitterness manifests itself. However, there is another, more successful method I have used. I become certified in some way and then put myself into a position/job where others come to me for information/advice. So the invitations are assumed or are part of my job description. I have been a teacher, counselor, healer, medium, and psychic. In all of these careers I have had wins. I have also had losses, but mostly wins in that I am able to share what I Know and it is well received. In the past, the areas where I feel my inner Being lighting up have been when teaching, giving readings and singing. 

In my HD profile the only channel I have is the 1-8: the channel of inspiration. This one is “to contribute or not”. And, not surprisingly, it involves groups. What is funny is that as a Projector, groups are not my thing, yet with this channel I am called to groups to share my Knowing. 1-8 channel: the 1 is about creating and the 8 is about groups. 

Our Shadow is Our Contribution

In HD the open centers in a chart represent the not-self which is also know as the shadow self. Since my guidance told me that my shadow self is being triggered in certain situations now, the term has stuck in my mind. 

Today, while researching more on HD and considering having an actual session with a HD professional, I came across how the open centers, also known as the shadow self, represent our contribution to the world. This was a shock to me. Really? All those parts of me that represent my not-self are how I contribute or make a mark on this world? Maybe I am getting it all wrong, though. Perhaps it is not the not-self so much as our learning about the not-self and choosing to be more flowing and free? So, technically, the shadow self is how we contribute most because through non-resistance and acceptance of these aspects of ourselves we can be a better version? The open centers are most definitely what we came into the world to learn. The open/Shadow Self is the curriculum we come into this life to learn. And being all but two of my centers are open/undefined, well I have quite the curriculum from which to help others! That means I can influence others through all of those areas. Compared to someone with only one undefined center, I am a rock star. 

Considerations

After this morning’s dream and realizations, I went downstairs. My husband immediately apologized and from there we talked. I told him my dream and some of the syncs that came up. One sync was that when I woke up I remember Knowing that I needed to just let other people be. Acceptance is key. This meme came up in my FB feed:

As a 6th line, my tendency is toward optimism, yet in life I am anything but. I recognized that when OOB or in the dreamstate I tend to be the best version of myself: Optimistic, happy, hopeful. I see in others their best attributes. I do not easily tend toward the negative. But the instant I come back into this body I feel heavy and sad. I see the world as hopeless and lost. I feel unable to do anything about it and have accepted nothing can be done. This is what I’ve learned while on the roof. I see it everywhere. This world feels like a lost cause to me.

What this morning’s dream experience showed me is that I have been trying to do it all on my own. The question posed to me many times about my methods is this: How is that working for you? Not well, not well at all.

The problem is more than just me trying to force what I Know on others. That is just a surface problem. The real source is the overwhelm. When I feel this place, I feel it all, and it is just too much. I felt it in the dream and it was too much. I’ve felt it in the past and I am left feeling small and powerless to change it. It – all the pain, sadness, grief, loss in this world – is just too BIG. Yet I am being advised to feel it. The way to manage it, They say, is to Remember. Remember the total love and acceptance of Home, of those who love me, of the Light.

Easier said than done. In the dreamstate this is so obvious. In this body and on this plane it is hard to find.

What I was left with was a visual and feeling of how I can be, and will be according to Them. Going with the flow and accepting. Somehow I will be the Light I am meant to be. I have to trust that it will be.

by

Let It Happen

Couldn’t get to sleep again last night. It was after midnight before I did. Despite feeling tired all day, the minute I decided to sleep, I couldn’t. I don’t have anything going through my head, really, so it doesn’t make sense. 

I did end up thinking about random things, though. In one instance, I was thinking about a dream I had where I had met up with someone I know. I’m not sure why as I wasn’t intending to. It was more like I entered into the in-between. While there I never know why I think/say/see what I do. 

While imagining this scenario, a song came into my mind. The song then got stuck in my head – “Let it happen, let it happen. It’s gonna feel so good.”

The video is the original song, but the one I heard was the remix version which is 9 minutes long and much better IMO. I posted the shorter one because it has the lyrics.

When I go on my many walks, I listen to YouTube, letting it play whatever comes up. This song randomly played on my walk one day recently. When I heard it I knew it was a message to “let it happen” when the time comes. “It” being the transformation by the Kundalini. To not resist what it brings and allow it to flow, unencumbered and without interference of the mind or the fear that inevitably follows. 

If you read all the lyrics you may get an idea of why I feel so drawn to it. Some parts stick out to me: “All this running around trying to cover my shadow” and “I can hear an alarm”. The word “shadow” reminds me of something I was told recently, that I am running from my Shadow self, scared to confront it. The word “alarm” has also come up. I was told an alarm would go off. But in general, the song speaks to me, so it is no wonder it came to mind as part of a message.

I told my guidance to knock it off because it sure wasn’t helping me sleep. It felt like they were hounding me to do something. I couldn’t help but suspect that I was being deceived, like they (my guides/HS) are trying to destroy me, ruin my life or send me on a wild goose chase. 

When I fell asleep I ended up in a kind of dream counseling session.

Dream: Can’t Trust Myself

This is one of those dreams where I just found myself in a new place without having any idea how I got there. My mind was blank and my emotions were flat. I just followed along in the dream, not caring why I was there or what the point of it all was.

I was inside a small store with some other young women. They were all college aged and it felt like I was, too. It felt like I was in a half-way house; a place where someone goes who needs to start over. The women treated me like the new girl and ushered me around with them. I remained silent and felt very sad – dead inside – the whole time. I felt as if I was in shock from a traumatic event, but there was no memory of any event, just this empty sadness.

The women all left and I stayed in the store, alone. They had turned all the lights out but I didn’t care. I saw a door to the back so decided to investigate. When I entered the room I found it to be a bedroom with three bunkbeds (nostalgia). They were all squeezed together in the small space leaving very little room for anything else. I looked at them and wondered which bed was mine. I couldn’t remember.

Then I noticed another room adjacent to the bedroom and hidden behind a thick, dark curtain. I could see through the space between the curtain and the wall. There was a small girl (inner child) with Down’s Syndrome (developmental delay) playing. She looked at me and acted fearful and I realized I had caught her doing something she should not. She pretended to go to sleep and that is when I noticed there was tiny beds amongst the bigger bunk beds. 

I went back outside into the main store area. This is when I realized that the “store” was actually a school for young children and the women were teachers who lived in the back room when the school was closed. I thought the whole idea was a good one but did not get excited about it.

I was hungry so went to a table where some food items were and filled a cup with yogurt (doing what’s good for me). This is when the other women came back. One noticed I was eating. I asked if she wanted some. She looked at my cup and asked, “Did you put sugar in it? We don’t eat sugar (something bad for me) here. It’s bad for you.” I looked at my cup knowing I had put something sweet in it. I said to her, “Yes. Who eats yogurt plain? It’s not good.” The woman didn’t reply but I continued and said, “I didn’t put sugar in it, just a sugar substitute.” She replied to that saying something about helping find the right substitute but I was already upset, caught up in the thought that I was messing things up, breaking rules and not fitting in. I remember looking into the cup of yogurt thinking how it was all just too much to try and keep up with all the rules and do what everyone wants me to do. 

Feeling overwhelmed and sad, I turned around to leave but the dream shifts and I find myself sitting in front of a woman. She began to ask me questions about why I felt the way I did. “Why are you so sad,” she asked. I began to tell her about an event in my life that had left me changed – damaged. I told her, “It/he destroyed me.” As I told her more of the details of it, the sadness grew larger and larger until I began to sob, tears streaming down my cheeks. 

Counseling Continues

The dream scene faded and I somehow ended up in the in-between talking to this woman, though I never saw her. I could hear her feminine voice, though, and feel her encouragement. She said, “Tell me about it”. I told her my story and how it made me feel. She asked about another, similar event. I explained that it/he wasn’t the same and could never come close to the first. What hurt so much was that I felt I had finally found what I had been looking for. It was like a missing piece of myself was finally found. And then, it was taken away; withheld from me, and I was left feeling as if that piece could never be recovered and would remain that way for the rest of my life. Because of it, I had lost all hope of ever really finding happiness and love in my life. I would be left only with the hollow, human version of that love, which would never, ever compare. And I would be left to live the rest of my life with a part of me missing, unable to retrieve it.

As a result, I’ve stopped trying. Given up. I am just waiting for this life to run its course.

In the end, I woke up, leaving the in-between, but the discussion continued. My eyes were overflowing with tears, the kind that just well up and leak out all over my face. The ultimate realization I had was that I had lost all trust in myself – in my HS, my guidance, my Knowing. What I felt so strongly, what I had Known in my heart to be true, turned out to be a lie. How can I ever trust what I feel again? How do I know that what I feel is even mine? What if I am being deceived and everything in this lifetime that I feel, hear, think, do is a lie?  

There aren’t many things in this life that hit me hard like that experience. That ring so true that my entire Being lights up inside and out. That scream to me, “THIS IS IT!” To feel I had finally found what I had come into this life for only to have it turn out to be what it did, how can I ever recover from that? Why would I be led into a trap like that? Why would my guidance want me to experience such loss? It felt like I was finally Home, then I was left with…..nothing. The only explanation has to be that I somehow misinterpreted it all. I must have screwed up. If that is the case, then how can I know that what I feel and how I interpret it is even accurate?  

I don’t think there is anyway to recover what I have lost. I am just…..broken. And my only comfort comes in the thought that one day I will actually get to go Home and I know that when I get there, that piece of me that I found and then lost, will be there, too.

Back to the Song Message

I had never heard of the band Tame Impala or the song, so I Googled it. Turns out the entire album theme is “letting go”. The song is about going with the flow and not resisting the “currents of change” which are “unstoppable forces”. Ha! The song is about personal transition and/or transformation.

When I was reading over many of my dreams, signs, syncs and messages of the past few months, it does point to some kind of event or transformation up and coming. I can’t ignore it but at the same time I want to shrug it off. Why hope that something amazing is coming only to end up like I have in the past – disappointed, discouraged or, worse, decimated.

Here is the 9 minute version of the song and the one that played while I was on my walk:

by

Dream Meeting: Maxim

My sleep continues to be less than ideal. I wake frequently and only get about 6 good hours a night. My days are busy and I find that, although I have content to blog about, I don’t have the time I would like to focus on writing. I usually jot down something in my private journal and leave it there, hoping to have time later to write about it. But I know myself well enough to know that if I don’t write it right then, I probably never will.

This month of March has not turned out to be as interesting as I’d hoped. With all the signs and syncs leading up to now, I’d thought for sure some kind of meeting or encounter would’ve happened. My guess is I interpreted it all wrong because nothing – nada – has happened. I still don’t get why the Universe would send me those tarot cards but I guess the cards were relaying info about the past or present and NOT the future. That’s okay. I’m use to the same-ol-same, day in and out. I’m good at keeping busy. I’ve got a good life. I’m just a tad bit…..bored.

Ah, the story of my life! My guides are probably going, “Oh no! Dayna’s bored again!” My poor guides. lol If anything they threw those signs and syncs my way to keep me guessing and wondering. There’s nothing better at keeping someone occupied than a good mystery to solve….or wait for in my case. That carrot on the stick scenario gets me every time. Why do I keep falling for it? Oh yeah, I’m bored.

I will give you another cool story which, BTW, also ties into my dream this morning.

A little more than a week ago (March 17) my husband lost his AirPod Pros again. Yes, again. Ugh! I was furious with him and on his case a little more than I like to admit. I can get kinda fixated on stuff especially when I’m….bored. lol Anyway, I decided one night to just let it go again because my main upset was that it seemed like he didn’t care. So I figured, why should I?

That night I had a dream. Pay attention here. In the dream I was given a small, brown box. When I opened it, inside were the missing AirPods. Not long after I saw a small balloon that said, “Happy Birthday”. In amongst this was a short dream where I was receiving lots of emails to the point that it was too much and I felt overwhelmed. When I woke I decided to tell my husband that I had accepted that the AirPods were gone.

The dream came to pass the next day. I was overwhelmed most of the morning. My schedule was off because of an a/c maintenance man visiting. I also was getting emails like crazy – asking for readings and dream interpretations. Somehow, though, I managed despite being in a sour mood. Later in the day, as I was preparing dinner, I went to the garage to toss something in the trash. I turned and saw the minivan and thought, “I need to check for the AirPods.” So, I opened the side door and immediately noticed a tiny, white object in between the seats. I had found them! 

Not long after I went for a walk with Monty. On the walk I spotted a tiny balloon that said, “Happy Birthday.” I knew it was from the dream. Even after that when my husband was watching The Simpson’s I noticed that they kids in the episode were tossing water balloons at the bully. They said, “Happy Birthday.” 

So the syncs continue and good things keep happening, I’m just being a grump because life’s not…..exciting enough? Well, just not the kind of excitement I like. I can hear my guides saying, “Persnickety.” Guess so.

What kind of excitement do I like? The spiritual kind, of course! If it’s spiritual, bring it on! Thankfully, I got a pretty cool dream so I’ll be good for another day or so.

Dream Meeting with Maxim

I entered into an auditorium where many people were gathering. At the booth where we were to register, a man was instructing everyone on what to do. I remember that he sent the group down the hall for an orientation or something similar. When I arrived and was asked to follow the group I chose not to. It didn’t feel like something I wanted to do or that I needed for that matter. Instead, I walked to the back of the auditorium, considering my options. I was undecided – do I do my own thing and hope no one notices or do I go along with the group and suffer that misery (I hate groups)?

Eventually, I noticed that everyone walking around had on a name tag (recognition) but I didn’t. For some reason it felt like I needed one and I knew the only way to get one was to go where the group (need others to be known) went. So, I decided to go find the group and hopefully get my name tag (recognition).

As I walked in the direction of the group I ran into other groups. Many were of children who had with them teachers. I noticed a hallway and looked down it, hoping to get an idea of which room my group had gone in. The hallway was long and had many doors, all of them closed (feeling shut out). The hallway was littered with trash but the walls and floors were very white and otherwise clean. It just looked like the kids had been messy with art paper and no one had cleaned it up yet. Realizing it was too late to rejoin my group, I turned back and headed back to the corner where I had been observing everyone.

I discovered the section where I had lingered before was a separate room with a large viewing window (my cave, safe space, hermitage). It reminded me of those rooms in churches where the nursing mothers or mom’s with screaming babies would go to still participate in church services without creating a distraction. I was able to see the auditorium and all the people clearly but remain separate from the group – just like I like it.

In my little space was a man. He was sitting at a desk writing on a piece of paper. I somehow knew he was there to help me.  He had been looking through my emails in order to get the answers to questions on a paper he was filling out. When I arrived he smiled and said, “Happy birthday (from my other dream).” Then he began to read to me what he had written. It was a description of my character in this lifetime. I can’t recall what he said but I remember key pieces. He described me as selective of who I chose to spend time with but the way he articulated it made me sound like someone with much wisdom and experience. He said I paved my own path and cared little for what others thought of me. 

The way he described me took all those things which I find faulty within myself, things others have criticized, and presented them as my special gift to humanity. It was like I was hearing about an important leader in history, one that made significant contributions to humanity and so was honored, recognized and remembered for it.

My initial response was, “You see me!” I felt his recognition and was relieved to be acknowledged. Then I said, “You got all that from reading my emails?” He laughed and said, “Yes.” I said, “Wow.” I paused, considered what I had heard and said, “I really like myself.” He said, “I do, too.” 

By this time I was standing face to face with him. He was short and stalky. His face had smile lines that indicated he was a kind, generous individual with a gentle, loving demeanor. He was completely bald and had a scholarly quality to him. I knew he was a professor at the university I attended. He introduced himself to me. He said his name was “Maxim”. There was a last name but I can’t remember it and I only remember his name because I repeated it.

I asked him, “Why are you helping me?” He said, “Because you helped me.” I thought on this and couldn’t recall ever helping him. I said, “I don’t remember helping you.” He indicated that I had and that he was indebted to me, thus his appearance in my life now. I figured I must have helped him in some other life.

Still in awe of how well he had described my character in this lifetime, I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to be like him, to be able to “read” a person as well as he had me and help them see themselves as a gift to the world. He indicated that he heard me, so I must have spoken this aloud. He turned and looked toward the room we were in and asked, “How can you help?” It seemed like he was asking how I could help from within the confines of the space I was in. I thought for a moment and then said excitedly, “You can bring them to me. I have a Master’s in Counseling. Maybe I could counsel people?” He said matter-of-factly, “You mean you have two Master’s degrees.” I said, “No…but I have two degrees in the same field – education.” He looked at me in such a way that I second guessed my response. I wondered, “Does he mean Master’s degree like I think? Or does he mean some other kind of Master?”

Maxim smiled and motioned to what was happening outside my window. I looked and saw a group of people gathered in celebration of certain honored individuals. He told me that I was one of the honorary ones and had been “chosen”. Then he said, “If you look, you will see yourself.” It felt like he wanted me to look at an old photograph but was motioning to the scene outside the viewing window of the room where a group of people were on stage. I looked and in front of me were old photographs of what appeared to be a group of scholarly individuals wearing robes all standing together. It reminded me of an old photograph from a yearbook. As I scanned the faces I spotted a woman who I knew was me, though she appeared differently than I do in this life.

Maxim returned to the subject of my situation, specifically my being in the room observing the group but not wanting to be a part of it. He stated, “You stop, you see, you leave.” I’m not sure these were his exact words but I saw a visual in my mind of his words. I would meet someone, stop if I felt called to, interact with and/or observe them a while, and then leave. It was not a judgment of my actions, quite to the contrary, it was a recognition of my specific gifts. After hearing this and seeing the meaning behind it, it felt like he was specifically commenting on my relationships with others in this lifetime. I wondered, “Does that mean it is time to leave?” 


Message: Build What You Want

It was at this point I woke up but Maxim remained close and continued to communicate with me. He said, “Build what you want [in life]”. Along with this I felt nudged to really feel into what it was I wanted to experience in this life. My immediate response was to go to that feeling of Divine Oneness and the call that I recently had but refused. He asked me why I did not answer the call and I said, “I’m afraid of what will happen to my life.” I like my room with a view. I like the life I have created thus far. Though Maxim wasn’t pushing me to go outside my “room” I felt nudged and knew, at some point, I would venture out again, but only if the invitation was good enough. It would have to be better than what I already have, something irresistible, that’s for sure. 

Eventually, I ended up falling back to sleep and dreaming another dream. I won’t go into that dream but when I woke my thoughts were on my HD profile and being a 6/2 self-projected Projector. A recent video I had watched by Ra Ura Hu, the creator of Human Design, on Projectors came to mind. 

He said Projectors are “on the ascendency”. He also mentioned how Projectors study to become masters at what they do. I wondered about this and my dream came to mind. Does this “study” mean actual school? If so, then I studied teaching and counseling – helping others, especially children. But what of my other “studies”, those of the spiritual kind? I have had so much hands-on training in that area – almost 20 years. In considering all the things I’ve studied in this life, the one that brings the most joy is the spiritual. I wondered which studies I will use when I “come down from the roof” to be the Role Model I am here to be? Perhaps that is what Maxim was referring to when he said I had two Master’s degrees – one a very physical one and the other spiritual. I wondered aloud to my guidance, “What do I do?” I knew, though, that I am not meant to know. I am meant to answer a call and then and only then will I Know what it is I am to do.

Then I was reminded of a recent dream where I was in a closet and a Bulgarian man was trying to get me to leave and explore outside. When I looked up the name Maxim I discovered it is Bulgarian. Could Maxim have been the man in that dream who was bugging me to leave my closet? Probably. If you haven’t read that dream, you should. It is pretty awesome!