Category Archives: Dreams

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A Tough Two Weeks and Dream: We Are God

The last two weeks were full of visitors and activity. I am just now feeling the crazy energy settle (to be replaced by more crazy energy lol). Here is what I’ve been through and why I was feeling so frazzled:

My brother arrived from Arizona two weeks ago, Monday, and we went out for pizza with him, my mom and step-dad. It was a 40 minute drive to the restaurant during rush hour but the place was nice and calm and the kids enjoyed it. 

The next day my brother arrived unannounced to our house around noon. My husband had told me my brother wasn’t coming until the next day, so I was surprised and unprepared. I hate it when people don’t give me a heads up that they will be visiting! I hadn’t slept well the night before because allergies kept me awake, so his visit was not at an ideal time. Turns out, his intention was to stay the night, so I prepped my room for him and moved my stuff into my sons’ room.

My husband came home early from work and took him on a tour of the business which gave me time to clean the house and tidy up. When they returned home my husband wanted us to all go out to eat, so that’s what we did. Then my husband and brother stayed up late playing chess while I got the kids to bed. I retreated to my boys’ room to sleep because I was exhausted. Turns out, I couldn’t sleep because I could hear them playing chess downstairs. It was past midnight when their game ended. Then I was just wide awake, tossing and turning all night. 

The next morning they were all up at the crack of dawn and so, of course, was I.

As is usual with my brother, he decided to leave earlier than planned. I don’t know why he does this but it feels like he wants us to plan activities for him and such but since we didn’t have anything planned (because he didn’t give us a heads up), he opted to just go back to my mom’s and then head back to AZ early. I could feel his expectations of me, but I just didn’t have the energy to drive him into Austin to visit spiritual shops, etc, which is what he wanted to do. Had I had sleep I would’ve, but even then, I had to work. Now had I had time to prepare it all would’ve gone much smoother. Lesson: Tell people you’re coming for a visit so they can prepare!!! However, I doubt he will do that in the future. Sigh. 

Relieved that maybe I would get some sleep that night, I went about my day only to get a phone call from my husband that he was going to pick up some friends from the airport and wanted to take them all out to eat. I figured, “Why not? I’m already so tired that it won’t matter anyway.” I had that weird feeling in my head that I get when I need sleep and I knew that I would get a second wind soon, which did happen. So, another night out to eat with a group, and on top of that a sleepover because one girl was going to South Padre with the family that weekend. 

I did sleep better but struggled to get to sleep from all the energy I absorbed from the evening. Then I was awakened early by everyone preparing to go to South Padre. 

When I got out of bed, I went downstairs and felt a bit jealous because I would miss out on the beach (I love the beach). I had opted to stay home for my sanity, though, and because our dog Monty needed someone to watch him. At the last minute I decided I should go anyway and bring the dog. When I got to the van I heard my youngest crying and saw him in the back seat looking very unhappy. I asked what was wrong and he said he felt sick. I told him to come inside. My husband followed and our son puked all over him and the floor. Sooooo, he stayed home with me. Turns out he had thrown up twice that morning already but was pretending to be okay so he could go on the trip. Poor guy.

Thankfully, he did not throw up again and by the evening was able to eat a full meal and keep it down.

The next day, feeling bad for my littlest, I decided to drive him to South Padre so he wouldn’t miss out. I had to take our dog with us because the drive is six hours and there was no way I was driving back the same day. Unfortunately, a storm system had rolled in and it rained almost continually the entire drive. I hate driving on the highway as it is, but add in rain and low visibility and I tense up and stress out. What was even worse was that toward the middle of the drive we got caught in a horrible downpour that lasted 32 miles! It was so bad that we passed several wrecks and at times many cars in the median stuck in mud. Water was standing on the interstate increasing the likelihood of hydroplane. I drove at 45mph through the whole thing as people zoomed by me, many of those cars ended up stuck in the ditch.

The one cool thing about this awful portion of the drive was that I knew where the storm would end. I kept asking my guidance to help me relax and Knew the exact place the rain would stop. When we got to the exchange and headed south (when the rain was suppose to stop) it was still raining and I worried I would be stuck driving slow the rest of the trip. Then, suddenly I said aloud to my son, “The rain will stop soon”. I relaxed and started eating a snack. Within a minute or so, the rain slowed and light appeared ahead as the clouds parted. I laughed and told my son I manifested the end of the rain. lol There was no more rain the rest of the drive.

We arrived just past noon and my exhaustion had me in zombie mode. I didn’t sleep well that night (surprise) but took a short walk on the beach the next morning. I left for home mid-morning but it was much more pleasant a drive with no issues. The entire drive my third-eye was blazing. Not sure why but maybe from lack of sleep.

The activities are not over. My SIL is hosting a young girl for a few weeks and, like the Generator she is, feels she has to fill every minute of this girl’s day with activities. Tomorrow we go to an indoor water park. Today was suppose to be Six Flags but my daughter got in trouble and so I cancelled it. My SIL has been trying to go around me to get the trip to happen anyway and my husband was helping her! This, BTW, is typical. These Generator busy-bodies never stop! Thankfully, it is raining today (thunder and lightning) so my SIL and husband will have to just deal and do Six Flags another weekend. Daughter remains effectively “grounded” (which she should) and I get to rest a bit before another hectic day tomorrow (rain or shine).

And just for fun – this was posted on a store window in South Padre. Love it!

Dream: We Are God

Early this morning I was awakened by a guide who was close and on my right. When I felt him near, I felt a familiar energy, a draw to him like the Kundalini connections I’ve had. He acknowledged this and then asked me a bunch of questions. I can’t recall them now because I fell asleep while talking to him, but I do remember opening a book entitled, “How to be Whole” When I opened the pages there was text about it but I became too aware and the text faded. I knew my guide was telling me that my purpose here was Wholeness and to not give up because I was very close. 

When I fell asleep I was in a car (life path) driving (in control). My kids were in the back seat and the road was familiar. I kept zoning out through the drive only to come back to the car scene in a panic and unable to see clearly. A voice reassured me that all would be okay and to surrender to the experience. This is similar to experiences I’ve had while driving, specifically when my crown opens up and communication comes through. I always feel like I am dreaming and I can’t recall driving my car at all. Yet I always reach my destination. In the dream I kept worrying about the car wrecking but would always find it driving itself. 

At one point in the dream I was transported to a scene where I was riding a horse (freedom) with a group. Everyone stopped and dismounted. Someone asked me about my horse because it was a specific breed that needed a handler who knew what they were doing. I told them I was permitted to travel alone and was more than capable of handling the horse. The horse did odd things, turning his head sideways and showing his teeth and trying to bite me. The horse had the name of my heart connection, which was odd, and I mentioned how he was provided for me for a specific reason. I remember feeling very close to the horse and knowing his personality. His bites were love bites and he never intended to harm me.

Then I was in my grandmother’s house with my mom. I still had the weird open crown feeling and was phasing in and out of my car that I was still driving. I received a text message about “How to be a God” and looked down at it in surprise. I wanted to show my mom because the information was profound. I only recall now that the message was saying how we are all God. My mom didn’t believe me, so I showed her my phone. There was this huge chart that upon first impression looked like a chart of all the known demons in the world. But upon closer inspection, the images looked like Egyptian inscriptions. I showed her and she gave me this look like I was crazy. I then showed her an “artifact”. It was something small, round and gold. I said, “If I told you this was created by God, you would believe that it was Divine and cherish it.” Then I switched it to my left hand and said, “If I told you this was created by a man who revolutionized education, you would reject it because he was ‘just a man’. The reality is you will only recognize and give importance to those things that others tell you came from God.” When I said this (or something like it) I became very lucid because I knew what I was saying was Truth. I believe I said, “We are all God” as I began to wake up.

When I awoke I knew it perfectly described my mom. So often I present her with ideas and information that goes against her religious upbringing. She acknowledges what I tell her, sometimes even to the point of saying it makes more sense than what she was taught, but she always goes back to what the church and her parents taught her. Ultimately, she rejects anything that is not from the Bible. Because she does this, she limits herself and her growth.

The dream left me feeling sad for humanity because, like my mom, humanity is eager to believe what is fed to them and are easily controlled because of this. Humans don’t believe they are special so much so that to tell them they are God is unbelievable. God is something beyond Knowing. God is an all-powerful Being that lives “in the sky” (or heaven but somewhere we can’t get to and can’t know/see) and judges whether we humans are worthy or not. As long as humans believe someone/something else is in control, we will never rise above and free ourselves from this self-created trap we find ourselves in. 

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Lucid Dream and Message: Express Yourself

Woke up in tears this morning. It seems my request to Remember is being granted. Slowly but surely lucidity is returning to my dreams and I am being allowed to recall the work I’m doing in dreamtime.

Lucid Dream: Sexual Encounter

I became semi-lucid. Part of me thought I was actually awake but another was aware that it was a dream. I was laying in bed and felt to be both in my physical bed and my dream bed simultaneously. In the dream scene I was aware of an office-type environment and people from my work talking and moving about in an adjacent room. 

I lingered in bed, very relaxed and calm. Energetically, I was aware of my root and second chakras and the feeling was very seductive, almost like there was someone there with me. I do remember talking to someone, so it could be that I was not alone, but at the time it was just me in my bed. I can’t recall the discussion in detail but I believe I was telling him how the energy made me feel. The more I described the energy and sensations, the more they grew. It was as if my words magnified the energy. 

There is a brief moment when I requested a specific person be there with me. I requested this person by name more than once. It surprises me now that I did this but then it also makes perfect sense because I’ve often thought of this person as my teacher.

Eventually, I recall hearing a distinctive male voice say, “Relax and go with it.” When hearing his words there was recognition that I was focusing too much on the energy and effectively blocking its movement. Instantly I released my attention and the energy suddenly burst through all at once and then slowed until it flowed in a steady stream, circulating between the lower chakras. Interestingly, the sudden burst of sexual energy did not awaken me and I remained in a lucid state with the dream scene.

The next thing I remember is reaching toward “the voice” and encountering a body. Everything about what I felt was physically real. It was very obviously a male body. I felt along his arms and shoulders and then felt his hairy chest. I could also see him in my mind’s eye but my vision never turned on. What I saw was only what I touched, so I never saw a face. I’m not sure I wanted it to. It seems like I wanted the man to remain a mystery but in my mind I was thinking he was “husband” but not my actual husband in my waking life. So which husband? I have no idea! lol Honestly, it didn’t matter at the time because I was immersed in exploring through touch. The entire time this energy continued to swirl and, funny enough, I became very comfortable with it despite its highly erotic nature.

The very physical sensations eventually woke me up and the voice from the dream followed me into wakefulness. He was asking me questions about my experience. One in particular was about the sensation of touch. He asked if I could tell the age of a person by feel. I said, “No, not really.” The questioning seemed to be about the sense of touch versus vision. It became clear to me that using my physical eyes could be counter productive in certain situations. I was reminded of how I am meant to see the world with my inner eyes, not the physical ones, because the physical eyes support the illusion while the inner eyes see the truth. My mind was filled with past experiences where this was painfully obvious. I hadn’t realized how much my physical eyes contribute to the solidification of the illusion within the framework of this physical experience. So often I have tossed my inner Knowing about someone or something because my physical eyes see something else!

Dream: Express Yourself 

Although I woke up for a short time, when I fell back to sleep I returned to the dream scene. Still in bed, I saw my son come into the room and change his shirt. When he left, I followed him out and saw someone from work directing people about in a classroom. The feeling in the space was one of organized chaos. I Knew that in this space I could be myself and no one would judge me. 

Something caught my attention and I turned around to see that behind me was outdoors. A blonde, thin woman who was about my age, was receiving a yellow bikini to try on. I remember seeing her and thinking she was quite attractive for her age and had taken good care of her body. She looked a decade younger than she was.

When she put on the bikini bottoms they were like bloomers rather than normal bottoms. She disliked this and another bottom was provided. She went behind a screen to try it on but took her time. When she came out, everyone was applauding, expecting her to shine in her new bikini, but she was wearing a brown dress that looked like a potato sack. When I asked her why she wasn’t wearing the bikini, she said it showed her love handles. A flash of what she was talking about came to mind. Two very small bumps above her hips. I told her how beautiful she was and that she didn’t have any love handles. She didn’t believe me and walked away.

When I turned back toward the classroom, I was invited to come inside and observe. The room was dark but various colored lights were flashing, giving the appearance of stars. There were six rows of desks with students. Music was playing and the students were singing, one-by-one, when their turn came. I sat down in the front, left desk – the only open seat. To my left was a screen and music was playing from it. I turned and looked around at the students. They were all smiling and friendly. Again, I felt that I was in a safe space, one where everyone was accepted and loved.

The music was spectacular and the singing even more so. The entire room was lit up with a vibrant energy and I was immediately impressed. Each student was given a chance to express their own inner truth however it came to them and the music shifted based upon which student was singing. Their words are lost to me now but I was deeply moved by each student regardless of the tone of their songs. Some were sad, others joyous, and some a mixture of emotion. Every song expressed the individual’s unique Self and each song contributed to the energy of the space creating a chorus unlike any I’d heard before. 

As I watched the progression and listened to their individual voices, I began to have all sorts of emotions arise out of me. The more songs I heard, the more my own song began to emerge. It is hard to pinpoint just one emotion because there were so many. Part of me wanted very badly to participate. I wanted to stay there with them forever. I was impressed by the teacher who mainly just facilitated the group and gave her support. 

A familiar song came to mind. The words, “Where are you now?” repeated over and over.

And then I began to sob. The emotion came from deep within and just poured out of me. I began to feel very self-conscious and worried someone would see my ugly red eyes and nose. I attempted to hide my face but a student to my right locked eyes with me and smiled. The message was, “It’s okay”, and a rush of love and acceptance swirled around me, hitting my heart dead center. After that, there was nothing I could do but allow.  

I woke up in tears, the song’s words repeating in my head and the voice saying, “Express yourself.” I was invited to return to that very sexual, creative energy from the previous dream. When I did, I would feel a sudden calm, which was surprising to me, and a clarity would come over me. But then I would shift out of it again, and the emotion would pour out. I was concerned about my past, the mistakes I’ve made, the lack of progress I perceived, the decisions that I regretted – but mostly that my past felt hollow and without any purpose; pointless. The voice reminded me not to judge myself so harshly. I thought of a specific “mistake” and he said, “You were not ready.” 

Dream Considerations

The first dream reflects how I’ve been feeling lately. For some reason I’ve been feeling extremely sexual. I haven’t been focusing on it really, just noticing. It has been a very long time since I’ve had a dream like this one, one where I feel someone physically with me, hear them audibly, and do not awaken from it. My sense is that I was being taught how to handle the lower chakra energies. My tendency is to either avoid them altogether or to overly focus on them which makes the energy that much more intolerable. I was shown that just allowing the energy diminishes the intensity and makes it much easier to tolerate. In fact, it became almost like a background energy to the remainder of the dream. Surprise!

The questions I am asked are also interesting and revealing. Again, it appears my considerations about old age and appearance are coming up for inspection. When I was younger, I really had no issue dating men older than me. In fact, I tended to be attracted to men 7+ years older than myself and dated one that was 12 years older than me for a while. Ha! Back then, when I was in my late 20’s, a man in his mid-30’s and early 40’s didn’t seem old at all. Huh. Now that I’m in my 40’s, though, I am beginning to fear old age – the wrinkles, saggy skin, age spots, etc. So, anyone older than me just reminds me that I am getting old, too. Yet in this dream I am reminded that what the physical eyes see is limited and wrought with conditioning and expectation. I am asked to use my inner vision and feeling to guide me and disregard my physical vision. Feel into a person’s energy and use that to “see” them.

The second dream appears to be another healing dream. First, I am shown myself in the woman trying on the bikini. She is me and how she thinks of herself – how critical she is of her body – is so very like me. Then, I am taken to a space that is full of unconditional love and acceptance and given the opportunity to express myself. I am allowed to see how everyone’s unique song is part of a bigger “chorus”. All ranges of emotion are included. Nothing is seen as “bad” or “shameful”. No one laughs or mocks anyone else. Pure acceptance. The feeling is beyond amazing and I want so badly to participate. I want to stay there forever. The emotion that arises, though, indicates I do not feel worthy.

The message in the song is that I need to focus on the present. “Where are you now?” is asked so that I focus on the present. The past is in the past. There is nothing but Now.

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A Waking Life “Dream” Interpretation

I was thinking last night about my day and how, at certain points, there were incidents that reminded me very much of dreamtime. I wondered, “What if I did a dream interpretation of my waking life? What would it look like?” 

So, I’m going to try it and see what the symbolism says about my waking hours. 🙂

As with any dream, there are not-so-lucid moments and more lucid moments. Therefore, I will focus on the symbolism in the more lucid moments because they would be what I determine to be significant in my dreams.

My “Dream” Day

Most of my day is a blur with me going through my morning routine and work schedule as normal. It’s amazing just how insignificant most of my day is in my memory.

I had to go into work to cut checks (strong financial future). I do this weekly and it is nothing out of the ordinary. However, lately, the printer has been acting up (difficulty communicating wants/needs) so that when I print checks, two will stick together and ruin the whole batch. So, I end up printing three checks at a time, going much slower than usual in order to try and resolve the issue. Unfortunately, the printer still messes up and I end up wasting four or five checks. Finally, fed up with the problem, which has been going on for weeks, I talk to our office manager and ask her to work on fixing the issue, which can be done easily with some heavier weighted paper. I briefly wonder to myself why it took me so long to do something about the printer issue when it was so simple. 

My daughter calls me right as I am leaving the office to come pick her up at school because she is done with testing. I ask if she wants me to get her before or after I go to the grocery store (seeking nourishment). She doesn’t respond until I am already at the store, so I go in before picking her up. I shop and get in line. I notice a man holding a huge bag of tomatoes (prosperity, new phase beginning) is behind me. I have a ton of stuff so tell him to go ahead of me. He is grateful.

After picking up my daughter I head home, check my work email and do my exercise. While exercising, I am feeling really good and have more energy than I have had in a while. So, I get on my rower to row 3000m. While rowing my mind is blank and I go into a meditative state. When this happens, I see the meters counting down (a countdown is commencing) – 1978 down through 1890’s. As the numbers countdown I have this idea that I am traveling backward in time, watching my own birthdate, my sister’s, my mom’s, my grandmother’s and even a past life. I think of how only certain era’s feel real to me (the 1900-2000’s) and wonder why this is. I answer my own question with, “It’s because life back then (pre-1900’s) was so very different to life now.” And, indeed, I feel this discomfort with pre-1900s and wonder why that is. Why is it uncomfortable? I consider how time is fluid and how, with just a thought, we as spiritual beings can move backward and forwards, just like I was doing in that moment, watching the numbers on my rower countdown to zero. 

I decide to go on a walk but find my watch’s GPS (feeling no purpose/direction) is sluggish and doesn’t turn on until a half mile into my walk. I get somewhat irritated by this but eventually decide it doesn’t matter and that is when the watch’s GPS comes online. I realize then that I am walking for the wrong reasons and so head home early (reasons for walking – focusing on recording my miles, trying to “prove” to myself that I am better than others who are less physically active, seeking to be better than others).

I decide to give my dog (fidelity, protection) a good brushing and see a solitary flea (minor discomforts and annoyances) jump off him. I tell my husband when he comes home and he decides to go get some shampoo and flea treatment. I shampoo (cleanse old attitudes and beliefs) my dog outside and my kids helps. My youngest decides to play on his scooter, slips on the wet concrete and hits his head. My husband comes and gets him and I worry about him the rest of the night. Sure enough, he wakes with a headache, crying and my husband wakes me up to get the medicine and gets mad at me when I don’t want to wake up. He tears up my bed in his anger as I walk downstairs to get the medicine. I give it to our son and return to bed but am irritated at my husband for acting so childish and can’t go back to sleep. 

Considerations

The above are what remains in my memory of my day but the most significant to me is the lucid part while I was exercising. Later in the evening, it was this event that had me considering how our daily activities could be interpreted in much the same way as our dreams. Besides, I’ve always considered dreamtime just as real, if not more real, than my day-to-day waking experiences. Now that I have reflected upon my day, it is clear to me that interpreting the events of my day is much more revealing than I thought it would be!

The printer experience and how it played out is significant. In life, I’ve noticed it can take a long time before I do something about an issue, especially if something requires I have to go out of my way to make an effort to resolve it. In this particular case, the printer had eaten one too many checks and I finally got fed up enough to take action and fix it. I have suffered through weeks of irritation and just now took action! And if I look at many issues in my life, it is exactly the same! Why do I take so long to change what I dislike about my life? What is that final straw that motivates me to make the needed change?

I find it interesting that with each of the more lucid moments of my day, I am alerted to something via my environment and later have a realization because of it. For example, the GPS not working points me to something I am doing in life for the wrong reasons and so I adjust my course accordingly. Similarly, the flea, which is a minor annoyance in my life, reveals itself when my husband annoys me with his angry outburst and wakes me up for something he could have handled on his own. 

I am especially curious about my tendency to wait before I take action on those things which need resolution. I believe it is the perceived discomfort of initiating change that creates the resistance. Yet, there really is not that much discomfort at all, once I decide to act. Honestly, it feels good! So, why do I do this? Is this a human tendency? I wouldn’t call myself a procrastinator. Nor would I say I am “avoidant”. Lazy? Maybe, at times. Unmotivated? Most definitely!

So, maybe it is the end result that I am feeling is not worth my time and effort? Yes, I think that is it. If I can’t see a benefit that is greater than my effort to make a change, I don’t act. Huh. The thing is, what we see/perceive (future) is limited to what we have seen/experienced (past) and there are many potential futures that could exist beyond our limited perception and experience.

What could interpreting your day reveal to you? Try it.

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Dream: Losing My Heart

My dreams were upsetting last night. The same male guide was present but no more Kundalini. Instead, it appeared I was being counseled/assisted – more healing work.

Dream: Waiting My Turn

In this dream I was outside in a garden with others. I remember we were all gathered to receive the introduction and instructions. We were awaiting our turns to have readings. I don’t recall ever receiving mine, but I remember interacting with others in the group and the garden. The garden had concrete benches, fountains, birdbaths, and statues in it. It appeared to be in someone’s back yard because there was a boundary of hedges surrounding it. There were stone paths winding through it, also, and the feeling was peaceful but anticipatory. 

I remember meeting some people but the interactions are lost to me. Again, there was a man and a woman. One man in particular came up to me and told me, “I called you, you know.” I said, “You did? Oh. Well, I probably didn’t answer because I don’t answer calls from numbers I don’t know. You should have told me you were calling so I would’ve answered.” I didn’t recognize the man. He was slender, tall, dark haired and wore glasses. Somehow we discussed our ages and I learned he was 39. I remember telling him how I enjoyed being 39, that it was a good year. I briefly became caught up in the memory of it, which was nice. I felt loved, excited about life and optimistic about the future possibilities.

I remember my turn for a reading was coming up next and seeing the entrance to the space through the garden. It was a small door surrounded by greenery. There is memory of feeling like the reading would discuss certain issues I’ve had in my life. I don’t remember feeling excited about it because I had this sense that I would be told my future was not a good one.

Dream: Losing my Heart 

Perhaps this was part of my reading? 

I saw myself running a race with a man who was familiar. I believe it was my heart connection but he was always in front of me and I was trying to catch up to him. The race consisted of short laps back and forth within a gym-sized space. I remember running very fast and suddenly feeling my heart rate was too high. There was not much of the race left to run, only 30 seconds more, but my heart couldn’t tolerate it. I decided to quit the race, telling someone nearby I needed to stop before I passed out. 

I remember discussing my decision with a man. He was asking me why I stopped when the finish line was only 30 seconds away. I told him I just couldn’t run any longer. Yet his questions left me wondering if perhaps I could have run that last 30 seconds. Maybe I overreacted? Maybe I gave up too soon? 

Then I saw myself sitting on a bus beside my heart connection. Oh the feeling! We were very much in love and I remember him laying his head on my shoulder and reaching out to me over all others when he needed something. It was clear to me that he “chose me” and I chose him in return. I don’t recall anyone else on the bus with us, just row upon row of seating beyond what the eye could see. It was like time stood still in this part of the dream and I lingered in the feeling of being with him. 

Something happened, though, and he suddenly left me sitting alone on the bus. It felt like he was distracted or pulled elsewhere; like he chose someone or something over me. I was left with this awful sinking feeling and horrible aching inside. No matter what I tried, the feeling persisted and I began to despair, sinking deeper into a dark abyss of heartache and loneliness. I have never felt so alone in my life! 

In the dream I began to sob mournful sobs that shook my entire body. A weakness spread from my chest into my legs until my entire body felt like it would shatter into a million pieces. The grief was intolerable but the loneliness, the empty nothingness, was the worst. I’ve never felt so alone in my life!

The last thing I remember is a flash of a high school letter jacket or something like it. I think it was all he left behind.

Thawing Out

When I woke I was talking to my guide, tears in my eyes. Thankfully, the feeling of loss was fading quickly. What I did still feel was the love. I’ve never loved anyone so much! I realized my love for him has never faded. It is infinite, beyond time and space. No amount of pushing it away, pretending it never existed or numbing myself will erase a love like that. 

There was full memory of the discussion behind the scenes of my dream. It was clear to me that the “memorial” from a previous dream was a memorial to my heart connection and our love. I knew in the dream I’d created it but I didn’t know who it was for. And I realized what the “freeze” was, the freeze that almost killed the bushes planted around the plaque. “The freeze” was a period where emotions and even life was “frozen”; put on hold. The fact that green shoots were coming out of the bushes is a positive sign. New life is emerging.

Recognizing all this was of no help. I could still feel that infinite love and the thought of continuing on in this life separated from that love, carrying an indescribable emptiness within, is unbearable. I begged again to be allowed to return Home because I know once I’m Home the burden I’m carrying will be lifted. I told my guidance, “I lost my heart when he left.” And it does feel that way, like there is a space in my chest where my heart use to be. 

My guidance indicates possibilities still exists. I am unable to conceive of any such future. It has been five years, though, and the message is I am “thawing out”. What this means, I can’t say, but I suspect that there will be an opportunity to try again, to do what I couldn’t bring myself to do in the past. What all that entails, I can only guess. The memory of that time is mostly confusion, filled with not-Knowing, indecision and doubt. There was too much pain and emotion swirling around and I lost my anchor. It felt like I was caught up in a whirlpool; directionless and unable to determine what was up and what was down. I cannot go through that again, not without a firm anchor in place. But what is that anchor? A person? A path? A purpose? All of the above? 

I feel depleted this morning so I know work was done in dreamtime. I have asked to remember more of what occurs behind-the-scenes. I was told it would be provided. I long to Remember again, even if it means I may have to confront things I would rather not. 

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Kundalini Dream: Merged

It has been a very long few days (or week now?) and I have been exhausted. Rather than go into details, I will just say that last night I finally got some much needed, solid sleep, and along with it a nice surprise mixed with some curious dreams.

Kundalini Dream: Merged

I was invited to a meeting with other teachers. The feeling was that they were interviewing me but also that they wanted to see my reaction to the work they were doing. I recall seeing a small group of teachers, specifically, a woman and a man but there were others there, also.

In the “interview” I was asked about various work activities. What I recall most vividly is answering a question about PTO meetings. I told them I hated PTO meetings because of the type of people who attended. I don’t remember my specific description of the people but it was not positive and I said that I never truly felt invited to participate. The male teacher was amused by my rejection of PTO groups. The woman just seemed to nod and accept my opinion.

I remember feeling an energy from the man that suggested he was attracted to me. He kept his distance but every time I looked in his direction he was staring at me and I could feel his interest. It is hard to recall his appearance but he was very tall, over 6ft, and had broad shoulders and a square jaw with light brown hair. His eyes were piercing and somewhat squinty. I think they were brown. He had this quality to his energy that oozed masculine confidence.

Then we were outside in a garden-like space. I remember seeing an elevated area. It was a small, perhaps 4’x2′, raised cement planter. In the middle was a stone with an inscription on it that reminded me of a memorial plaque. On either side were stumps where some bushes had been. I knew I was the one who created this memorial and remembered the plants had been very green and healthy. I thought, “The freeze must have killed them”, but then noticed small, green leaves sprouting from the bases of both bushes. I said, “Look! They are still alive! The freeze didn’t kill them.” 

At one point, after some more conversation, the man was standing right in front of me. He was so close that his chest touched mine. This is when his height was most noticeable because my forehead was at his collarbone.  I could feel his interest in me still but it was much stronger. I said something to him like, “Yes?”, as it felt like he wanted to say something to me. But he never spoke a word. Instead, I could feel his energy merge with my own. It was as if both his chest and mine opened up and our energies/bodies blended into one. The main chakras involved were the sacral, solar plexus and heart. Once merged, the energy grew in intensity. 

When this merge happened, there was a yellowish hue to the energy and from within it words and numbers appeared. The only bit of info I recall is the number 46, but there were several other numbers/words, and it felt like this was his response to questions I was asking. I do remember I asked him his name and his age as well as other questions. The way in which he replied was curious to me. I expected to receive a thought reply since my questions were sent as thoughts. 

Our combined energy was so intoxicating and erotic that I couldn’t help but become lucid within the experience. Sadly, it woke me up and I lay there wondering what I’d just experienced. The energy lingered for a while and I could feel energy/pressure and warmth at my third-eye.

I remember the man from my dream being present as I awoke. His energy was right in front of me and so noticeable that it was as if he were physically there with me. He said to me, “There is more where that came from.” His communication was very audible and the quality of his energy the same as it had been in the dream. When I asked who he was, he answered with, “A friend.” I looked at the clock and it was 4:30am. I asked if I could go Home and he replied, “Why would you want to do that? You are here to experience…” and a wave of bliss came over me.

I wondered what had happened in the dream and soon realized me and the man had merged energies. He said, “I looked for an opening and I dove in. You know where it [the opening] is.” With this I saw what resembled a cup within my energy body. The “cup” was located just below my heart and right above my solar plexus. When he said, “You know where it is”, I saw/felt instantly where it was and mentally nodded. I knew that he was able to “enter” (dive into the “cup”) my energy via this opening and that the merge between us commenced from that central location, spreading up and down simultaneously until it became too much and woke me up.

Dream #2

Somehow I managed to return to sleep. The man remained with me and as I fell into dreamtime, he was also there. This time, though, he was taking me on a tour of the facilities where I would be working (remember I had been interviewing for a position). The first thing I saw was a single, white door. The door had a sign on it that said, “3D”. The man seemed to be offering me an option because upon seeing the door it felt like I was being asked to make a decision to open it and walk through it. I don’t know if I did.

Then there was a cylindrical structure in the middle of a room. It was silver and seemed to be made of metal. The structure went from floor to ceiling and had many tall doors located all around it. Surrounding the structure and extending beyond my visual field I could see row upon row of hospital beds with people dressed in white linens laying in them. In front of each of these people stood another person dressed differently – in regular clothing. When approached, the people in white would come out of their bodies and their spirit would be taken into and merge with the person who came to them. I watched several of these people in white, all elderly, rise up out of their bodies and disappear into the body of another.

It felt that I was meant to see this as an explanation of something happening on Earth and that I was here to help with this. My understanding was that these people were dying and I was to assist in their transition somehow. There were thousands of people in beds – more than I could count.

My reaction to seeing all this was calm. It felt like I was being reminded and the specifics are beyond my ability to remember or make sense of as a human. I do think I was being shown this because of my constant requests to return Home. I continue to be told I “have work to do”. It feels like, perhaps, my work is behind the scenes, assisting with whatever it is I was shown.

Dream #3

I shifted away from the scene and was back a school. This time I walked in as a visitor and wore a badge. I ended up in the classroom of the male teacher from my previous dream. I watched him teach a history class. He was very good at his job. I sat in the back and every once in a while he would look in my direction.  

At one point he sent a student in my direction and I counseled her for a bit. She was not participating in class and I remember helping her by just listening and being there for her. She was complaining about history class and I remember saying, “History is nothing more than a story…” I also said something about how all she had to do was follow along and the story would do the rest. The man/teacher looked in my direction and gave me an approving nod. 

As class ended I told him he was a great teacher and then left to explore the school. It was huge with many hallways and students. I remember seeking the bathroom and finding this odd doorway with a conveyor belt that took students one-by-one up to the bathroom. Another student was waiting in line and I asked when they had updated the bathrooms. She said it had not been long. I said, “I’m not going in there”, and left. It was just too weird. 

Then I ran into an ex-student of mine. I only remember her name to be “Brittany”. She was sitting alone and upset about something. She was an overweight African American girl and when I saw her I seemed to know who she was, though I can’t place her from this lifetime. When I sat with her, she spoke to me telepathically about her upset. I only remember seeing pictures now and it seemed like her father had done something to hurt her. I hugged her close and kissed her on the cheek as I comforted her. I could feel waves of emotion come off of her as I did this and I began to cry.  

As I woke, tears still in my eyes, part of a song was on my mind – “Pull me out, pull me out, pull me out….”

Considerations

For most of the day I’ve been feeling a kind of happy, blissed-out feeling, similar to how I feel when I am falling in love. It is a nice feeling and welcomed. Whatever happened with the merge, it has stayed with me, ignited something within, and it lies simmering under the surface waiting. Waiting for what? I’m not sure but it is a familiar feeling and comes with a sense of anticipation. When I think of the feeling I think, “I’m in love with being in love.” lol So, yeah, it’s nice.

I am intrigued at the information given to me by this man, whoever he is – guide? friend? He showed me how he initiated the merge and it was very simple. He just located an opening and in he went. And the opening was so obvious. I don’t think the opening is a bad thing. It feels like a lock and key location on my energy body – I hold the lock, someone else holds the key. The location of this opening was just above the solar plexus, so not in a place any traditional chakra occupies. However, it coincides with a spot on my spine – mid-back – at which I have felt an energy enter previously many times. What was curious about the merged experience is that it never ventured into the root chakra nor above the third-eye. It was almost like we just simmered there in each other’s energy.

The dreams are curious to me, especially the one with the cylinder. It seems like the 3D door opened up into this room full of beds and I was being shown what is happening on Earth. What specific event(s) it applies to, IDK, and it did not feel ominous like some of my premonitions do. It felt like the people in beds were dying/transitioning. Honestly, I don’t know what to make of it. However, I was reminded of a dream I had a few nights ago where I was shown how each act of compassion/love helped form a grid of protection around planet Earth. I woke up crying from that one because I saw how fragile that grid really is.

The last dream felt like I was being shown my role as counselor and how I can hold space for others, taking on their pain/emotion and allowing them to feel relief, even if only for a moment. But the emotion I felt was still very real and like my own, so not a fun job if that is part of what I’m here to do.

Still feeling a bit in awe of this dream/Kundalini experience. Wow.

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Dream Theme: Exploring Sexual Conditioning

Lately, I have been questioning Human Design, specifically the idea that certain aura types generate energy and others don’t. The idea that some auras don’t generate their own energy lends one to believe that those types then are “vampires of energy”, having to rely on generating types to have any energy at all. Otherwise, they are easily exhausted and unable to do much. I don’t believe this to be true.

As a non-energy type Projector, I’ve rarely if ever find myself exhausted like this when alone. Technically, since I don’t generate my own energy, I should be a total sloth or at best someone who is forcing herself to wake up and move around throughout the day. Yet, here I am, with plenty of energy, exercising 5 days a week, working full-time, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc, and I still manage to have energy at the end of the day. Sure, I live with 4 Generating types, but they aren’t home with me 8 hours of each week day. So, how then, do I happen to have so much energy for all the tasks and things I do all day?

What I see in HD FB groups I’m in is young Projectors justifying their lack of energy because of their Type. They say, “I’m too tired” or “I just can’t exercise like I want, I just want to sleep.” Huh? I just don’t have that reality. “I can’t” usually only happens to me when I get sick and that is rare. I am always moving around and I find that I have extra energy – which, BTW, makes sense because I have so many Generating types around me. Exercise helps me process that energy and keeps me balanced.

I remember my Projector friend being tired often when we were young and she still seems to be like this. I never understood it. Why is she always so tired when I’m not if we are the same Type?

The most that happens to me when around too much activity/energy is I get grumpy and need to get away for a while. But, I am also a 2nd line, and this is common. I spend most of my time alone and am very particular about who I spend my time with. Is this why I am not tired? IDK.

When I was a teacher around kids and people all day, I ended up with major insomnia. This was from all the energy I picked up during the day. I just couldn’t release it all there was so much. Once I dropped full-time, that stopped. So, for me, the only downside is that I end up with too much energy and struggle to release it all.

I think, perhaps, people are just misunderstanding the idea of “energy type”. All auras create energy and have sufficient amounts to sustain the organism, otherwise we would be dead. lol My theory is that the Types in HD are referring more to how the aura functions than to how much energy a person has or is capable of generating. So then, yeah, Projectors would accumulate energy and need to release it, but this doesn’t mean they don’t have energy otherwise!

Okay, now to my crazy dreams.

Dreams with one theme last night. I also woke frequently and slept much lighter than I have been.

Dream: Escort Wagon

I’m inside a small house, or maybe a tiny house. When I think of the space, I think of a gypsy wagon or something similar. Yet at times, this small space is very large and resembled the inside of a modern home complete with large, spacious kitchen and floor to ceiling windows. I also know I’m in Montana (mountains, spiritual journey).

There is a discussion behind the dream scenes that I occasionally catch pieces of. There is enough information to recognize that I have been given an opportunity to select from a group of men the man I want to have as my sexual partner. It feels like someone has gifted me with a gigolo, or male escort, but I am undecided on whether to accept the gift or not. 

I recall being in a very nice kitchen (seeking nourishment, wisdom) with white, marble countertops, thinking specifically, “I don’t need a man. I can pleasure myself.” This is my strongest argument against taking advantage of the offered gift. I don’t see why I should bother with a man and all that goes along with one – their tendency to latch onto me and not let go, their expectations, their projections – all to curb my own desire. 

Then I am in the living room. I am aware of men in the space with me. I believe there are three, but I specifically see two. Somehow I know these men are “from Montana” and I take note of this in the dream. They both have full beards (masculinity) that are very bushy to the point that the hair covers so much of their faces as to obscure their facial features almost entirely (trying to hide something). One man is very confident and explaining to the other man the “job” of escort. He struts around me and the other man, shoulders back, chest high, proclaiming his vast expertise and knowledge of how to pleasure a woman. 

The other man remains quiet and his eyes are big. It is clear he is new to the job. He is happy to let the other man win. 

The whole time it feels like I am suppose to select one of the men to be my partner. 

The men in the house all begin to exit out the back door except the two standing in front of me. The over confident man chooses to take the dog outside for a walk. It feels like I direct him to do so but have no specific memory of this. I turn toward the window and locate the light switch (seeking illumination). There are three switches and I switch them on, one by one, to see which one illuminates the back yard. I am able to turn on lights that extend all the way back to the edge of the property. They are like flood lights but they only stay on a moment and then flicker off. I try to get them to come back on, but only get the front lights to illuminate. I say, “There must be something wrong with the electrical.” I see the man walking the dog outside and then turn back towards the other man.

I take the hand of the other man, the quiet one, and pull him towards me. I turn back to face the window as I wrap his arms around me, asking, “Are you nervous?” He is standing behind me, pulling me close, both of us facing the large windows. He says nothing. Instead tilts my head towards his own and gently kisses me. My lucidity must peak because I can feel and taste his mouth on mine (and I don’t feel a beard). He kisses me gently again and I hear him say (telepathically), “Let me try that again”. I feel my lower chakras begin to light up. 

Just as I begin to fall into the ecstasy of the moment, I am rudely pulled out of the dream by a guide asking, “Why did you choose him?” 

Conversation

Awake and a bit grumpy at the guide who intentionally pulled me out of a wonderful dream, I reluctantly answered his question. I said, “Because he is new to this. He is like me.” This answer came with a recognition of my feelings about the other man, the over confidant one. Though he likely would be the better lover because of his experience, his conceit was unattractive and I felt that if I selected him I would put myself at a disadvantage because I didn’t feel to be his equal. He would have total control and I would be completely at his mercy. To voluntarily put myself in such a situation would leave me vulnerable.

Yet, there was a part of me that was highly attracted to the over confident man and desired nothing more than to submit to him fully.

What is funny is that a scene from a nature show I saw long ago came to mind. It was about chimpanzees. The alpha male went around beating up the other males and having sex with all the females in front of the lower males to prove his dominance. Yet, when the alpha male was distracted, the females sought out the lesser males and had sex with them. lol 

I wondered just how much of my dream selection was based upon a similar pattern, engrained in my genetic makeup, that continues to play out. 

A discussion commenced on my rejection of the over confident man. I told my guidance that I didn’t trust that my feelings were my own. I cited my completely open solar plexus specifically. A completely open center means the person has no defined way of taking in information so they end up taking it in based upon those who are defined or have channels/gates to that center. The solar plexus is the emotion center. Since mine is completely open, the emotion I feel is fluid and has no definition at all. I amplify the emotion of others instead. So their feelings feel to be mine, but they aren’t. I can become easily confused by this, thinking I feel one way only to have that feeling completely vanish when I am not in the vicinity of that person. 

I told my guidance that I feel I have no real emotion because of this openness and they said otherwise. They asked me to think of how I feel when alone. I mostly just feel bored, but I do experience a wide range of feelings like anyone else. And if no one is near me, these feelings must originate from me. However, they can become what I think I should feel (Not-Self) based upon conditioning over the years, especially since I have a completely open head center. The completely open head center seeks to find meaning in everything. So I feel something and think, “It must mean ____” rather than just letting the feeling flow naturally without any conditions attached to it. Then I have a completely open heart center that causes me to feel no motivation or desire toward any one thing. So I think, “I feel ____ so it must mean ____ and I should do _____.” This is my mind and not my strategy and authority BTW.

Lots to think about. lol

Now wide awake with a persistent guide that continued to ask me to review the dream, it took me a while to return to sleep. 

Dream: Male Escorts

It seems the dream lesson was meant to continue. This time, though, I found myself at my mom’s house and my old bedroom. I was feeling very sexual and wishing I had a partner but preferred one that came with no strings attached. My consideration was still that I needed to be very careful because the men I’ve been with in this life tend to latch on for dear life. 

Again, I was talking to someone behind the scenes and a male escort was suggested because there would be no strings attached. I found an advertisement in a magazine and called the number. A man answered and I told him what I wanted, though I was somewhat embarrassed when I said it aloud. 

Within moments three men were in my bedroom with me, yet I was still talking to the main one on the phone. I was hesitant yet again, arguing that I could easily pleasure myself. “I don’t need a man”, was what I said/thought. This mirrors my thoughts in real time, too, as my experiences with men has left me preferring to leave them out of the act altogether. 

This is when the three men began to send me images of what they could do for me and began to sway my decision toward inviting them to join me. The overall message was “the more the better” in terms of pleasure. 

I remember being more curious about one of the men over the other two. He was a normal looking man (no beard this time lol) and I didn’t recognize him but then there was something familiar about him. I seemed to know he was there for a reason and memories of other times I’ve had dream encounters came to mind. I met my heart connection in the dreamstate over a year before I met him online. And another connection came in my dreams beforehand, also. Both times there was recognition – Knowing – that the men were not just dream characters but an aspect of a living, breathing person visiting me. And in this dream that same recognition was present. This man exists somewhere in the world and is visiting my dreams. Whether he is conscious of it or not, I can’t say. 

There was still a discussion on-going behind the scenes. It was about my attitudes and beliefs regarding sex; what is “good” and “bad”, etc. There was shame behind the sexual visuals I was receiving. Shame at how they made me feel because I have been conditioned to think of desire as “bad” and “sinful”. I remember thinking it important that protection be used and being reassured protection would be provided.

Eventually, I hung up the phone but not before the man I kept feeling drawn to asked me for my credit card information and address. I was concerned that he would misuse the info, but someone reassured me that he could be trusted, so I gave it. He looked at me in such a way as I began to panic a bit because I saw/felt something in him. It was a feeling I’ve had before from a dream encounter. It was an, “Oh no” feeling. Yet when he left, I had this urge to follow him.

I ended up outside my bedroom standing in the kitchen. I found some people having dinner together. One lady looked at me and asked me something but my attention was on the two young men with her. I saw one go out the front door. The other was at the table. The feeling I got was that I didn’t belong there and these people were suspicious of me. It is a feeling I am use to.

More Discussion

When I woke I was concerned about the man I met in my dream and still had that “uh oh” feeling. My guidance wanted to talk about something else, though. 

The discussion shifted to my environment specifically. They said, “We want to help you with your space.” I received much more telepathically about what they meant. They indicated that I needed to feel safe in my space and reminded me of my Human Design environment – Markets-Internal. Though I have created my own space, I do not feel safe in it. I don’t feel I have much control over who enters or leaves it. On top of this, I rarely if ever invite anyone into my space. A person with Markets-Internal thrives when they have a space of their own and invite others into it, others with similar interests to their own. The space becomes a safe place where ideas and knowledge are exchanged. 

I was immediately reminded of my place in Denton, the place where I first practiced as a Psychic/Medium. I lived there alone with my dog but the living area was arranged to create a space for me to give readings. I had many, many people come into my home and receive readings and healing from me. I also worked part-time from a spiritual shop and had my own little space there where people came to me for readings. 

The thing is, I rarely invite people into my space, not socially anyway. I can’t see how inviting people would work for me anyway. As a Projector, my job is the wait to be invited, not initiate. Additionally, I am part Hermit, so I don’t like people in my space, at least not just any people. I have to know and trust them. 

It is interesting, though, how all the right people and situations just came to me. This was because I was in the correct environment. I know that now. Invitations come more readily when in the correct environment. 

It is obvious that I am not in the correct environment now. 

My guidance told me, “Don’t worry. We will help you.” But I felt somewhat hopeless. A song came to mind, though, which feels like reassurance.

Messages: “Don’t give up” and you’ve “got stamina”. 😉

by

Dream: Conjunction of Moon and Sun

I continue to study Human Design. The more I learn, the more questions I have and the more I want to know. So, finally, I made an appointment for a Foundation Reading. It is on May 24th. I will share what I learn after my reading. Until then, I will continue my exploration and share what I find along the way. Currently, I am looking more deeply into attraction channels and what I have learned are known as the Kundalini channels. Pretty cool!

Sleep continues to be deep and dream-filled. Most of my dreams are odd and many mornings I wake up Knowing things that I didn’t know prior to bed. This Knowing is like a download of information that all points to one, single conclusion. These conclusions are related to my process and quite private, so I will leave them that way.

The below dream came this morning and I wanted to share it because a familiar symbol presented itself. I also felt very free and hopeful in this dream, something that doesn’t happen too often these days.

Dream: Conjunction of the Moon and Sun

The beginning of the dream I was in a large house with my husband and the kids. He was on the phone with a woman scheduling some activity for the kids. I got upset at him for this but he wouldn’t listen to me and kept making the appointment. I remember getting so upset that he wasn’t listening to me and I couldn’t stop him that I began to pinch his cheek really hard. Someone observing mentioned how it looked and I didn’t care. I was too upset. I realized in the dream that I was being shown a dynamic that needed to be seen. It wasn’t to shame me but to bring awareness. 

The scene shifts. I assume I left on a walk. I was outside and saw it had snowed. It was a heavy, wet snow and already melting. Seeing the snow brought me joy and I put on some skate skis and took Monty for a walk. I got out my phone and took video of myself as I did this, sharing that I woke up and there was snow and I was going to enjoy it before it melted. I remember looking around me in awe of the serene beauty I found myself in. There is something peaceful and calm about freshly fallen snow.

As I took the video, I captured an amazing sight. I saw this golden glow in the sky beyond the trees. When I noticed it, I thought it was the sun it was so bright, but then a glorious full moon shown through the trees and clouds parted to reveal it in all its majesty. It was gigantic, like unnaturally large, taking up the entirety of my visual field. The colors on the video were breathtaking – yellows, oranges and pinks. It was a sunrise or sunset of unprecedented beauty!

I came to a hill and my skis began to slip underneath me as I put away my phone. I looked up to find the moon and it was hidden behind the trees but I could still see the magnificent colors in the sky around it. I climbed up the hill, pulling myself up with great effort. When I reached the top, the moon had risen higher but the sky was still very bright. The moon looked more normal. A white sphere in the sky.

I walked toward the house. On the porch, which was covered in melting snow, I ran into my mom who was asking me why I hadn’t taken her bags to be recycled at Wal-Mart. I told her I went for a walk and pointed to the sky. This is when I noticed the moon and the sun were in the sky at the same time. The sun was on the left and the moon was on the right. They were not touching, but close enough that it was very obvious what was happening. Their combined light was breathtaking. It created this white brilliance. I remember saying, “Good things are coming.” I was filled with hope and awe for what I felt was coming, but the specifics of this future event was not present. I recognized the sign I was being shown as I had seen it in many dreams before. The moon and sun in the sky, together and very close, meant a conjunction was coming, one where masculine and feminine energies blend together in Union.

I decided to continue and ski before the snow melted. I left the porch, going past a bunch of elderly people sitting and taking in the view. This part of the dream is full of this fun feeling as I skied so fast that I am surprised I didn’t fall. Monty chased after me as I went through field after field of snow. There was this chaser being chased feeling, a feeling of being a child again; care-free.

Eventually we came to a snow-covered playground. Monty ran into it and I slowed. Two people were clearing the area and preparing it for people. I heard a male voice say to the woman in front, “We have to get this cleared.” 

I continued on but saw Monty did not come with me. I turned around and saw a man petting him. I went up to a wire gate and called Monty. The man looked up at me with a huge smile and commented on how friendly my dog was.

This is when the dream shifts and I am suddenly watching this blonde woman speaking to a group. She is saying thank you and telling them “I feel like I know you all!”. She is standing within a wired enclosure that resembles a giant cage.

Then the scene shifts again and I am laying in bed with my heart connection. I am laying on his left and on his right is another woman with dark hair. I am upset that he has this woman close to him. I want to be the only woman in his life. Yet he is holding us both equally as if he wants us to share him. My mind is reeling. I know that the connection he has with this other woman is older than the one he has with me. They have more history. Knowing this makes me feel uncertain and afraid of losing him to her. I don’t like the feeling. I think I will do anything to get her out of the picture, even kill this woman. This thought disturbs me.

As I begin to wake, a disturbing image comes to mind. It is a Golden Retriever chewing on the arm of a person who is still alive. I know she is being eaten alive and cringe. The woman does nothing. She just lays there and lets the dog eat her. I want to help her. I wake up.

When I wake up, a song is going through my mind:

Where are you now
Where are you now
Where are you now
Where are you now

Take me home, I feel homesick
I don’t know where I’m going
Too many faces, but none I know
And I’m alone on the subway home
On the subway home

Interpretation

The first part of the dream seems only to show me something about myself. What I took from it was that I play a part in the disagreements that exist between myself and my husband. My anger at my inability to incite any kind of change overwhelms me and I fall into a negative pattern. The trigger seems to be feeling unheard.

The second part of the dream feels like a message related to a previous message I received about “after the snow melts”. Snow is symbolic of something unchanged; frozen. It often represents feelings that have gone “cold” or a sense of being stuck and unchanging. That the snow is melting is positive. Movement and change is coming; freedom. I am able to see the beauty in the snow and rather than succumbing to the cold/frozen feeling, I embrace it and ski. Skiing represents breezing through a difficult situation; feeling accomplished for surviving a difficult time.

The moon represents the feminine. That it is rising up and appears so big and beautiful is likely a symbol of my own feminine nature. Perhaps I will feel free to finally fully embody my feminine nature? The steep hill indicates a struggle but not a big one, since I easily reach the top.

I don’t know what the encounter with my mom symbolizes. The best I can figure is that she represents the “wise” version of myself. The recycling she has is likely representative of a time of regeneration. I need to rest and regenerate. the sun and moon in the sky brings me hope and I seem to know what it means. With this I enjoy myself until the dream shifts and I see a woman in a cage. Perhaps she is me? But then she seemed so happy to be in that cage!

The shift to being with my heart connection was unexpected. I believe it may be a warning of some past life tendency toward jealousy. Hopefully, I am not going to have to confront karma related to killing someone!

Finally, the vision of the woman being eaten alive. My guess is that it represents my situation. I am allowing someone or something to eat me alive. Golden Retrievers represent family ideals. Perhaps I am being “eaten alive” because I am loyal to my family/the idea of family? Ouch!

Lots to digest and process from this dream, that’s for sure!

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Dream Healing Experience

Sleep didn’t come as easily last night. As soon as I got into bed I felt a strong energy from out in front of me and slightly to my left. Initially, when I sensed it, the energy felt urgent and I felt like jumping out of bed and acting on that urgency. This is when I questioned the energy and heard back, “We are here to help you” and sensed a very large group of Beings – the Council of 12 is what I have called them in the past. Though I felt tired and my eyes were heavy, when I attempted sleep I tossed and turned until just before midnight.

Dream Healing Experience

I found myself inside an apartment with a young, blonde man. I was questioning why I was there. He seemed nice enough and resembled someone I met back in 2015. I remember feeling extremely drowsy. 

I sat down on the floor and propped myself up against a sofa. The young man plopped down next to me. As we talked, his energy was very calming and surrounded me in a kind of cocoon of energy. The energy was beautiful and caused my drowsiness to intensify. I discovered that I was this man’s roommate and the attention he paid me caused me to worry he might be interested in a relationship with me. He stayed very close, touching me at all times with some part of himself. His energy said, “It’s okay. You’re safe and loved. Talk to me”. I remember thinking, “He’s like me” and being relieved but my eyes were so heavy and all I wanted to do was rest for a bit. I told him this but he continued to hover. I closed my eyes, enjoying his energy, and he began to shower me with kisses all over my face. I told him I just wanted to lay there with him and asked him if he could hold me. He appeared to do this and for a brief period I surrendered to the amazing comfort and safety of his arms.

Then, suddenly, a strange woman wearing a long dress was standing in the doorway to the apartment. She had long, wavy, dark hair and a serious look on her face. The young man jumped up in a hurry and told me he had to go to work. He was wearing khaki pants and a matching shirt as he left through the front door. The door was odd, though. It was not solid and seemed to be made of a thick mat of beads or a similar material. I stood as he closed the door. It didn’t shut completely and he returned to push it into place. 

Seeing it was morning and I was all alone in a new place, I began to investigate my new home. As I looked around I was thinking of my situation. I knew I had lost my job. In my mind I was mulling over all my previous jobs and remember feeling as if someone suggested a previous employer as an option. There was no concern or worry about my situation. I seemed to just accept it.

I sat down at the kitchen table and was surprised by an young Asian woman. She was drinking a soda (happy, upbeat attitude) and I noticed I had one, too. I asked her name and she gave me a name that didn’t make sense, so I asked her what her family called her. She told me she couldn’t tell me. In talking with her, I soon learned the apartment was much larger than it seemed and at least eight others lived in it. These others began coming into the kitchen at this time but I only recall four or five of them, some male, some female. The Asian woman asked me if I was going to drink my soda. When I said I wasn’t, she asked if she could have it and when I agreed she took it eagerly.

I took a closer look at the kitchen. I had this empty feeling and I felt like I needed to fill it with something, food maybe. There were groceries all over the countertops but it was mostly loaves of bread (basic needs in life). I briefly mentioned they must like bread as I thought that I would certainly have to go shopping for more foods items because bread alone wouldn’t suffice. Then I asked if they had a coffee maker. The Asian woman said they did. I asked if anyone drank coffee (seeking more awareness), she said she would but only with a certain kind of creamer. I took note of this as an item to add to my shopping list. 

Throughout all this I was conversing with them about my situation. I mentioned that I was paid $250/week and this information seemed off. I didn’t become lucid in the dream, though. All at once I realized that I had lost everything – my job, my house, my family, my identity even. My reaction to this was shock and an expansion of the empty feeling I had previously. There was a brief panic at not knowing what to do.

The next thing I know, I am standing outside the door to the apartment. I don’t know how I got there but it felt like I’d been kicked out. Feeling abandoned and alone, I began to wander the streets aimlessly.

I came to a busy area where people were walking about or sitting at tables. I saw some guys attempting to bully a young, nerdy guy into handing over his valuables. I walked up to them and slipped my hand into his pocket and retrieved a wad of money. The bullies had in their hand a folder and were looking through it. One mentioned how good I was as a pickpocket. The other, holding the folder, pulled out some sheet music and then put it back inside. I turned to the nerd who was standing there in shock. I asked his name and he gave me a name that started with a “V”. Somehow I knew he was a musician. I felt bad for him and ashamed at myself for taking his money but I needed the money. I had to eat.

As I walked away, I turned to see the crowded space of people of all ages and races. I noticed something was off and went to investigate. I found a young black mother and her daughter, both dead, sitting at one of the tables. The daughter had her throat cut from her neck all the way down to the middle of her chest. I look around and saw no one there even noticed. They were all too busy. I went up to the dead mother and daughter. I placed their bodies next to one another on the floor, wrapping the daughter in her mother’s arms. Then I pulled a blanket up and around them, covering them completely. 

In this moment I am transported back to the apartment. All of the roommates are there hovering around me as I stand at the entrance. It is similar to another dream I had recently. I feel like a child, very naïve. For some reason I excitedly announced that I learned one could find food by looking for the trucks “with the light”. 

Sudden realization hit me. I thought, “I’m acting like a child.” And as soon as the thought hit me, I burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. 

What I recall of this moment is my thoughts and the feeling from the group that surrounded me. My main thought was the world is a horrible place full of self-serving individuals. I am reminded of the dead mother and daughter and how no one even noticed or tried to help, caught up in their own life dramas. I thought of how those bullies took advantage of the nerd. Again, self-serving behavior. I was both horrified and shocked by what I experienced. The feeing was there was no hope for this planet or the people on it.

I remember pausing for a moment. My tears stopped and I looked at the people standing around me. When I felt their energy and support, I burst into tears again.

The feeling from those who surrounded me is unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I felt wrapped in a bubble or cocoon of energy. I remember thinking, “They are like me”, and recognizing they were somehow directing or manipulating the energy, my energy. I thought they must be reflecting my own energy back at me or something, but this didn’t seem right. The feeling of being in the cocoon was the most wonderful, safe, feeling I’ve ever had. I could be completely open and vulnerable. I could be myself without worry of judgement or expectation. I realized that being this way is all I’ve ever wanted but because I sense how people truly are, I’ve never met anyone I can be 100% myself with. It was such a relief to finally let go. 

As I began to wake up from the dream, I could hear soft music accompanying my tears.

After Waking

When I woke I was sobbing, the kind of sobbing where I can’t breathe. Even when I stopped, the tears would seep out unexpectedly. I realized how trapped I feel in this world. Abandoned. Alone.

I remember that during the dream someone was talking to me about certain people in my life, people I would rather not be around and so avoid. When asked if I would reconsider, I felt into their energy and could not tolerate it. My reply was, “No”. Then I said, “I’m with the wrong people (in my life)”. The people I should be around should make me feel like the roommates in my dream. 

As I lay in the in-between I remember catching pieces of a conversation. What is funny is that whenever I tried to focus on what was being said, it would instantly be lost to me. I was told it was purposeful, and I understood. The feeling of it was enough. I remember Knowing that difficult times were ahead, similar to the situation I found myself in during the dream. A feeling of all being lost. The dream served as a warning of this but also a message that I would find my people, people who “are like me”. What that means, I don’t know exactly. In the dream I remember thinking they must be Projectors or Reflectors (HD) because of how their energy felt. I didn’t feel like my own energy was being sucked dry; depleted. It was such a relief.

I questioned my guidance regarding the music that was playing. It was was like a scene from a movie and I knew I should find some humor in it, but I didn’t. Soon enough, though, another song came to mind: “Well you look like yourself but you’re somebody else only it ain’t on the surface. Well you talk like yourself but I hear someone else and now you’re making me nervous.” I understood my guidance was letting me know their concern.

This is the whole song:

I wrote the above portion of this post early this morning and came back to it now (mid-day) because the feeling from my dream returned briefly and brought on more tears. It feels like whatever is going on isn’t over. There is a sense of something big, or an “uh-oh” type feeling of anticipation.

by

Re-Calibration and Dream

Woke up this morning realizing that I am probably done with the spiritual work of my past. Meaning, I’m most likely never going to do readings or mediumship or medical intuition or any of those things to the extent that I did before I got married. Other, younger individuals, are taking up those reigns. They are the ones receiving the communication and having the expansive experiences now. It kinda made me sad to think of it but then I know this is part of the cycle.

There is a super moon right now and I had hoped for some experiences in my sleep. Kundalini would’ve been nice. A trip OOB like I use to have, visiting ETs, other worlds and living/breathing space ships would have been good, too. Nope. I just had a dream where I was outside, climbing in a tree telling my husband I am going to quit school and watching cars drive at night without headlights. WTF? lol

I know my guidance advised me not to look too much into my dreams, but here it is anyway:

Dream: Quitting School

I find myself suddenly standing outside the elementary school I attended in 5th grade. I am at the back of a line of young students, about five to ten feet from the group. A teacher is asking them to be quiet and fix the line. She is making threats like, “We will stand here until you can listen, even if it takes all day” and “Everyone get five others to follow directions”. The kids are trying to stand in a straight line but they are struggling. Some want to wander, others are just not understanding what “straight” means, and still aren’t listening because they are talking to their friends or just distracted by the world around them. 

As I watch, I recall being the student and the teacher and going through this routine. I wonder, “Why is it so important that the line be straight and the kids don’t talk?” I think how the new generations will challenge those who attempt to get them to do things that make no actual sense and serve no other purpose than to force them into submission. 

As I am standing in line, I am able to see and experience the scene from all perspectives. I have 360 degree vision. As a result, I turn and face myself, zooming in on my body standing there observing. I realize I am wearing my night shirt and long pants. I return to my own perspective feeling a bit confused and worried that I am not properly dressed. I think I should ask the teacher, “Do you have a school shirt I could wear?” But I don’t ask. Instead, it feels like an outside force pulls me back out to take another look at myself. My visual field is focused as if looking through a telescopic lens. It zooms in on the front of my t-shirt where a large rose is centered over my chest. I am reminded of a similar occurrence the night before where this rose was illuminated. I feel/Know it is a message.

The scene shifts. I am in a void but recall talking to my husband or someone who feels like him. I recognize that I am attending school a second time around and, as is a common theme in my dreams, I protest this because I have already graduated. I think (or maybe it is suggested) perhaps I could learn something new by retaking all my classes? I recognize this is possible because I always find more info on second, third and even forth reviews of subject material. The possibilities are infinite. 

Then I find myself in front of my house. It is early morning and still dark. I hear and then see my husband across the street. He has our dog, Monty, and is crossing the street to get a ball. Our neighbor is a bit down the road and out of sight walking her own dog. The ball is hers. I yell to my husband to be careful of cars and to not draw her dog out into the street.

This is when I realize I am up in a tree. It is a small tree with thin branches standing no more than eight feet high. I am observing the scene from the tree and realize the conversation about school is on-going as the scene unfolds. I tell my husband (or someone who feels to be with me), “I’ve decided to quit school. There is no point in redoing all the coursework when I’ve already graduated. I can just stop attending, so I’m done.” When I say this I feel freed of the conditions I’ve found myself in. I realize it is my choice and no one can force me to go to school. I briefly imagine the scene at the beginning of the dream where the children are in line. I imagine myself saying to the kids, “You don’t have to stand in line. Come with me this way!” and then inviting them to follow me off to explore and be free. 

I climb down the tree as I say this and watch as a car drives down the road toward my husband. It’s headlights are off so it is nearly impossible to see the car. I yell a warning and see another car coming from the opposite direction. Again, it’s headlights are off. I walk toward the edge of our yard. My neighbor is walking to her house with her dog. I say, “Why don’t they have their headlights on? It is still dark.” She says something like, “Yeah, I know!”

My lucidity peaks at this point and I wake up.

Considerations

Upon waking I was feeling very disappointed and depressed. The realizations I wrote at the beginning of this post came to me. It feels like it is all over – like my work is done. I don’t see the point of continuing in this life and body as I cannot see or even feel what path I would take. 

As I was thinking this, I felt a pull toward my guidance and felt all at once to be receiving large quantities of information but there were no words. Whatever I was told, though, caused me to calm down and surrender. I felt relieved, but I don’t know why. Then I heard the word “timing” and “patience”. I responded that I am tired of waiting. It seems like that is all I ever do.

Interpretation

When I’ve dreamed of quitting school in the past, I always thought it meant that I am asking to leave this life and return Home. Since I’ve had this dream so many times in the past, I Googled the symbolism again in case I am missing something. The dream meaning of quitting school is this:

If you dream of leaving school, then this indicates there is going to be an improvement in your living conditions or home life going forward. Our attitude to our work ethic and life in general is formed whilst at school, which, in most cases sets out rules and various moral values which help us move forward in life.

I didn’t actually leave school in my dream, so it is an indicator that I am approaching a crossroads situation. My guidance told me I am being “calibrated”. I’ve been told this in the past. It means I am being prepared for something to come. The suggestion about learning through repeating school is that there is always something new to learn.

The part of the dream where I am watching the children in line feels to me to represent my time “on the roof”. In HD this is the period in which the 6th line observes. What I see is that society is stuck in the old ways. The souls arriving now will not conform to the old “rules” and expectations. I see that change is a requirement. The fact that I imagine “freeing” the children and allowing them to explore and uniquely express themselves is a positive sign. I have recognize what is needed and am willing to assist. As a 6th line, the whole end result is to step into being a Role Model. Perhaps my role has to do with children – or at least the younger generations who are going through their own awakenings at this time? 

The focus on the rose on my chest is interesting. My first thought is this is asking me to listen to my HS (G center), which in HD is my authority.

The rose is a symbol of the entirety, the higher spiritual world order. When you dream about a rose this usually represents love in some fashion but it can also represent fertility, admiration, rebirth and fidelity. The color of the rose also has a special meaning in your dreams. Red roses are most often for love and romance…..pink roses indicate unexpected help.

The rose on my shirt is mostly pink with yellow and orange. A rose in full bloom symbolizes rebirth.

Climbing or being in a tree indicates that I have reached a period in my life where I am experiencing the “height” of my career or success. It does coincide with my family’s affluence at this time so that makes sense to me.

The headlights being off on the cars as I watch from a distance are yet another indicator that I am able to perceive what others cannot or will not. The symbolism of no headlights is that an objective view will be reached but it will come with limitations (can’t see far ahead). In the dream there is just enough light to see the cars and surroundings but the low light prohibits clarity. 

Tired

I’ve been more tired than usual. I sleep deeply and struggle to wake up. Opening my eyes is a chore. It feels like a heavy weight is pulling them closed. Once I get up, though, I am fine until the evening. Then, the heavy feeling returns and I often end up in bed before 10pm because I just can’t keep my eyes open. 

I’ve been taking it easy when it comes to exercise. I am usually very active with at least 2+ hours of physical activity of some kind five days a week. With my recent illness (cold/allergies) and fatigue, I decided to take some time off. Today, however, I felt like exercising so I went for a mile run followed by a bodyweight circuit. Ugh! Well, my body said “Hell no”. lol I still completed everything but not without needing more rest than usual. 

Sometimes listening to my body is a loss for me. I am use to powering through tiredness and lack of motivation and coming out feeling wonderful in the end (endorphins). But lately I just want to take it easy, go for walks or do yoga. It likely goes along with the “calibration” my guides mentioned. There is definitely something going on. I can feel it, especially at night and when I wake in the mornings. So I am going to do my best to listen.

Something that crossed my mind this morning was that I should probably shift back toward eating less meat and more veggies – so vegetarian/pescatarian. When I wonder why this is, it feels like meat contributes to a sluggishness in my energy. It does take longer to digest meat and the energy signature of most meats has never agreed with me. Whether I will do this long-term or not is yet to be decided. I think I will just start with trying to eat less meat and go from there. I think combining this change in diet with less strenuous exercise may be just what I need.

What is Spiritual Calibration?

I finished writing this post and then a thought came to me: What if readers aren’t sure what I mean when I say “calibration”? I thought, “Sure they know. It means I am being prepared to take in more Light.” But the feeling I got back was, “Are you sure?” So, since I’m not sure, I will provide a reference for you since I cannot post any part of it here (copyright reasons) – Spiritual Calibration. Go to paragraph 13 if you want to get straight to the info.

Basically, the channeled information says that spiritual calibration is a preparation of our Earth energy body to accept energy from “higher” sources. Higher in this instance really means of a “higher vibration”, not necessarily indicating direction.

So what exactly is happening to us/our energy bodies/physical bodies during calibration/re-calibration? The specifics are not given to me but I know very well how it feels to experience it. All of the above physical symptoms are usual for me. What I understand is happening is that my energy body is getting an upgrade. A new version of my energy body is being brought online. This version will be better able to receive and process the incoming energy so that I won’t suffer any physical or mental side-effects. The fact that I am experiencing the deep sleep, fatigue and slowing down in itself indicates my system is “offline” right now. It won’t be this way for long, just long enough to complete the calibration process.

About 90% if those who previously received upgrades are getting another one right now. So if you’re feeling like me, just listen to your body, take it easy and enjoy some rest. If you don’t, you could end with worse symptoms. Panic attacks are my “you’re doing too much” sign. <— NOT fun!

by

Update and Dream: Would You Have Dinner with Me?

For the past two nights I’ve slept really, really good. My dreams are numerous and vivid and when I wake I find it difficult to keep my eyes open. I LOVE it! I only had a few days of lighter sleep before the deeper sleep returned. It just so happens it coincided perfectly with geomagnetic activity. When the chart was in the green, I slept lighter and woke earlier. When it was in the red, even just a little, I would fall into a wonderful, deep, restful sleep. My children and husband have reported similar sleep patterns. My husband said he sleeps a lot but never feels fully rested. He reports feeling more stressed, tired and hungry.

Despite all the dream activity, I’ve not been too interested in writing about my dreams. I do still write down the occasional dream but have really no interest in them lately. I will be including one in this post because it feels linked to a previous dream, though.

Before I post my dream, I wanted to share a communication I received this morning about the current energies.

What’s going on right now: re-calibration of new energetic blueprints; upgrades to those already established (awakened) on Earth (90% affected); awakening “codes” transmitted to those previously not awakened which may or may not be consciously received. The total “image” is pixelated (mentally confuses) so any attempt to make sense of it will not have the desired results. 

What I see (visual field): bluish wave of light entering Earth’s atmosphere which looks like it is coming in from the northwest. As the energy descends I see what resembles “fingers” or tendrils of energy reaching down. 

Instructions on processing the received energy: Let it happen, allow without analyzing, be the Observer, walk in the Light/be the Light. Dreams will provide insight but resist the urge to analyze. Stay out of the mind.

Dream: Would You Have Dinner With Me?

[Shift from previous dream] I am walking inside a mall. I can see shops left and right but I don’t recognize the place and wonder how I got there and why I am there. To my left I see a small restaurant. A man is standing, back to me, talking to the owner. I recognize the man as my friend and think, “He must have stopped in to check on his old business.” It felt like he sold his business long ago but that he sometimes came by to chat with the new owner and see how things were going. I think it coincidental that he and I happen to be in the same place at the same time and decide not to let the opportunity to say “hi” pass by.

As I walk up behind the man, I noticed the restaurant is undergoing renovations and the owner is not the one who bought the place originally. I think, “It must have been sold again.” When I reach the man I say, “Hi”. I can’t recall my exact words now, but it was something like, “Fancy seeing you here.” The man turned and looked at me, his face morphing as he moved. He shifted into someone who resembled my friend only. His face was very similar but his body went from thin to obese and his expression was sad, like he was grieving.

The man looked at me questioningly and with surprise. I knew he did not know who I was. I think I had already said, “I use to love eating here” and then mumbled uncomfortably about something as I turned and walked away.

I walked a few yards and stepped down into a circular (cycles of life, infinity) pit that was about six to eight feet in diameter and a foot deep. I knelt down and began to dig (seeking something, “digging” deep within) with a spade into the black, fertile dirt. It felt like I had created this pit but I have no idea why. Perhaps it was a garden? A garden in the middle of a mall, though? lol As I dug, I was feeling foolish and a bit confused about what had just happened. It had felt like I must have been there to meet my friend, so why was it someone else?

As I dug, deep in thought, out of the corner of my eye I saw the man walk past me toward a nearby bench. He stopped and watched me for a bit. I glanced up at him, feeling a bit nervous and uncomfortable. I stopped digging and said, “It use to be a great place to eat.” He nodded his head in agreement. I noticed again how similar he looked to my friend but the shape of his body and smoothness of his face were dissimilar. He seemed younger. Again, I felt that he was quite sad and I sympathized with him because I, too, was sad. I remember feeling that we were the same.

The man then asked me a question. He asked, “Would you have dinner with me?” Taken by surprise, his question propelled me into sudden lucidity. My mind took some time to catch up with my dream experience, which is probably a good thing. In the moments after his question, I remember thinking a response back to him, “Yes, I would like that.” 

Considerations

In a swirl of energy I felt pulled back to body awareness. It was like I was suctioned out of the dream. My mind was confused initially because of my immediate, positive response to the man. I was thinking, “That is not like me. He is not my type.” Yet I knew that the reason I said yes was because I recognized myself in him and nothing about him felt to be threatening. Here was someone like me, who was sad and alone. Here was someone that maybe I could help and who could help me. 

Still, though, I was confused. Who was this man? Was he my friend or someone else? Was his appearance shifting like that meant to show me a part of my friend who I had not yet acknowledged? 

The heaviness of sleep kept lulling me back into the in-between and I lost some time because of this. I have no idea where I went but when I returned I had some thoughts that I feel I should note here.

Yesterday, out of the blue, I had an answer to a question I had not gotten to ask in a recent dream. I meant to ask the man in my dream, “So what is the problem?” The question came to me when I said to myself, “The problem is I don’t want what I have.” Ha!

When this revelation was recalled I did think about it a bit. I was reminded not to judge myself for feeling how I feel. I was reminded that it is OK to not want what one has. It doesn’t mean I need to try and force myself to want what I have, which is what I would normally try to do (it doesn’t work). There is nothing wrong with feeling how I feel. Still, I struggle to know exactly what it is that I want! Ugh!!! (the frustration is very real!)

Yet I still consider that wanting of anything is what keeps me from having it (one of the rules of the Universe). I keep telling the Universe, “I want [fill in the blank]”. Instead, I need to tell the Universe, “I have [fill in the blank with what I want].” Yet, for me, the blank remains blank because I can’t articulate what I want. I can only feel it. 

And so that is what I did and I became lost in the feeling of what it is I want for some time. My heart sparked only slightly, so I know that I hit upon something, even if it was momentary. 

Then there were the lyrics from songs going through my head. Two different ones. The first was, “All along, baby, I should’ve been number one.” And the other was the same from yesterday – “And I want you to [Remember] me. Come closer, come closer.” 

It is not lost to me that the question the man in this dream asked me has been asked of me before. In this Kundalini dream I was asked/told, “Have dinner with me”. In that dream my response was that we should just have sex and get it over with. lol So my response was quite different this time around. My immediate feeling is that my sense of the person asking the question is why my response is so different. The dream from January indicates that I am not interested in a man whose sole interest in me is sexual. The dream from last night indicates I am much more interested in someone who is vulnerable and seeking companionship. The second man also feels “safe” to me. I feel drawn to him out of love and compassion, not lust/passion. I think the two tell volumes about who I am and what motivates me when it comes to relationships with others.

Updates

I want to take some time to update on some things in my life.

My idea to build a cabin or lodge on my mom’s retreat land has been put on hold. A week after my mother told me she would love for me to build on the land and help with the retreat, she FB messages me that she and her husband decided it wasn’t a good idea. They want to turn the main house, the house they live in, into the lodge. I was a bit disappointed at first but not upset by the information. I knew immediately what had happened. My mom’s brother, who knows about the idea, likely told her he didn’t like the idea because it meant someone living within view of his own home. My step-father would be against it for two reasons. First, when my sister and her family lived with them, it threw him back into drinking and almost destroyed his marriage to my mom. Second, both my step-father and my mom worry my living there even part-time will lead to divorce. Neither of them believe in divorce. Despite divorce not being the plan, I understand their reasoning and do not fault them for it. I am okay either way.

It actually surprised me that I reacted the way I did – with relative calm. When I inspected this, I realized it is because I am okay with leaving that family land behind. I feel “done” with it. And a part of me really wishes there was no land because of the trouble it will bring in the future, when my mom passes away. She has me as executor and I do NOT look forward to the mess that will ensue because my sisters, both struggling financially, will be fighting over the scraps. Sigh.

In other news, after being sick and rundown for over a week, I asked my husband to take over most of my duties for a full week so that I could get the rest I needed. It was wonderful to have someone else cook dinner and clean up the kitchen every night! The kids griped about it because they are use to me and my cooking, but they got over it. We have worked it out that he will cook dinner three times a week and I have promised to leave the house cleaning alone so that he has a chance to contribute. It is very hard for me to leave dirty dishes in the sink, but I am trying!

Today I have been counting my blessings and intend to continue to do so as often as I can. The number one blessing on my mind is our financial situation. We just got our quarterly distribution and it was well over what is the norm. The business is booming and we find ourselves in a state of affluence.

We just recently had an accountant do our 2020 taxes and our tax bill was ridiculous! We are most definitely paying our share in taxes and to anyone who says business owners should pay more in taxes, you obviously haven’t ever owned a business! As it is, we have to pay the IRS our taxes in advance (quarterly) now in order to avoid a penalty. And even in doing that, it doesn’t guarantee we won’t have to pay more when we file our taxes.

Despite being in affluence for a year already, I am still in a state of disbelief. It feels like we won the lottery, except we are winning it every quarter. And the real shocker is that my husband only owns 20% of the company at this time. Eventually, he (we) will own half. So what we are making now is less than half of what we will eventually be making (insert shocked emoji).

I am still considering leaving my position with the company because, as it stands, twice my entire yearly pay is going back to the IRS in taxes. Sure, I get my pay monthly like everyone else, but my income just adds to our ever increasing tax bill. I don’t really even like my job. It is just a job and honestly, anyone with any financial sense at all could do it. The thing that keeps me from leaving is that I would technically be withdrawing from my own business and letting down “the team”. My husband and his brother are also wanting me to become the Chief Financial Officer when they buyout the third shareholder who currently holds that position. I don’t know if I want to be that person; however, I don’t know if I like the idea of it being in a non-family members hands. It would help if I knew what I would do if I wasn’t working there – but I have no clue. Funny thing is, ten years ago I would have had plenty of ideas but we just couldn’t afford for me to not work. It is ironic that now that I have the perfect set of conditions, I feel completely blank and unmotivated toward those things I once prayed I could have the freedom to do!

My husband and I now have financial planning meetings to determine what to do with the distribution we receive. As a result, we split the remaining money (after taxes, savings, bills, etc) between us to do with as we please. He always has a long list of what he wants to buy but I rarely, if ever, have anything on my own list. My money ends up in savings because, well, I don’t know what else to do with it. Maybe, after some time has passed and the shock/disbelief wear off, I will have a list, but I doubt it. The things I want are intangible and can’t be bought.

The irony of my life is not lost upon me. I spent all my life up until now wishing to have lots of money so I didn’t have to work and didn’t have to worry about survival. Here I am with everything I asked for and I don’t know what to do with myself.

What would you do?