Category Archives: Dreams

by

Dream: Mermaid Warriors

This whole week I have gone through all kinds of emotions – anger, frustration, anxiety, concerns, guilt, appreciation, gratitude, love, compassion, guilt, etc. My emotions kept me up at night three nights in a row, mainly because I went to bed upset, usually angry or frustrated. Getting unwanted news right before bed is never conducive of a good night’s sleep for me. lol One night I was told all employees at my place of work had to wear masks to work. Another night a “friend” on FB left a rant on one of my posts where she basically called me a narcissist. Another night my husband told me something that now I can’t even recall. LOL Shows how very, very important it was, right?

I started to dread going to sleep because I knew once I closed my eyes that all kinds of thoughts and emotions would surface. I also knew I needed to meditate, calm my mind and body and allow those thoughts and feelings to surface and dissipate. The anger and frustration I experienced was the worst and I didn’t want to feel it because it made certain sleep would not come. Yet if I didn’t at least acknowledge it, it would seep out of me like icky, black sludge throughout the day – which it did. When this happens I usually piss someone off or step on someone’s toes or, worst of all, hurt someone’s feelings.

All the while I kinda knew, deep down, that my reactions to the world situation right now was purposeful. If I triggered someone, it was not a mistake. If I was triggered it was not a mistake.

In one instance, the one involving FB, I had actually considered deleting a post I posted because I knew would trigger someone. I intentionally left it. I don’t remember knowing why but that was later revealed when someone who I know online blew their fuse completely. This person had been acting this way in the online group she hosted, too, so it was not really a surprise that she lost her cool. I had been witnessing her attack people who did not share her beliefs for some time now, remaining quiet and just observing without judgement. When she attacked me online I actually didn’t even finish reading her post because of the pure contempt oozing out of the first couple of lines. I deleted it without a thought when she began using the term narcissist.

Sadly, the term narcissist bothered me. I ended up convinced I must be one all because of this woman and her judgement of me. My concern – guilt even – didn’t last long, though, because I realized that a narcissist would not feel guilt or concern over being labeled a narcissist! lol Also, my research indicated that I did not fit the bill. I may sometimes have some characteristics of a narcissist (as we all do) but I am most definitely NOT one. Yet all it took was this woman labeling me as one to make me temporarily convinced I must be horribly selfish, unfeeling and manipulative. 😦 In the end, though, it was a good thing because it caused me to take a step back and really look at myself, which was needed, especially now.

You may wonder what it was that triggered this woman. Well, I also had to inspect that about myself. My upset has been over the virus and the resulting fear has infected the population. I had finally had enough of the fear posts on FB, the constant fear mongering on the news and the people in my neighborhood brutally shaming anyone who was not in fear like them. When I blew up on FB I had not yet really figured out the true source of my upset.

Since then I have recognized my upset stems not from any of the above but from this – the current and long-term economic impact and its effects on those who were/are already struggling. Children. The poor. The addicted. The abused. The neglected. The suicidal or depressed. The hungry. The longer the shutdown goes on, the more these statistics rise.

But I needed to look even deeper than that.

I discovered at the root, of course, is my sister and her subsequent return home where she was already very likely to resume her meth habit. But now, with the shelter-in-place orders in effect, her enabling and drug-using husband at her side, and the stimulus check coming her way, well she is doomed. It’s not the virus that will kill her – nope – it’s herself.

I often struggle with letting the people I love make choices I know will ultimately lead them to more suffering or even death. Who doesn’t? It has been a hard lesson for me. I want desperately to take control of their situation, make decisions for them, but can’t. I feel helpless – much like everyone around me is feeling with this virus situation, though not all for the same reasons.

Thus, what my guides have been saying to me lately, “We are all in this together.” Everyone is feeling helpless and everyone is being triggered in their own way.

For me, the solution is to stop looking out at the world as the source of my upset and subsequent “problem”. Rather, I need to accept, once again, that my sister has to make her own decisions regardless of whether I think they are “right” or “wrong”. It is her life. I have to let go and allow her to fall – or rise – as in the end it is her path, not mine. Just as it is for every person on Earth.

Thus, it follows, that my upset with the mask order suddenly vanished. I went into work without a mask but by the time I got home I had decided I was going to make some masks. lol I had been dead set against wearing one and then did a complete 180. The release I felt was extraordinary and…..what fun I had!!!

Looky, looky at what I made!

Image may contain: 1 person

They aren’t perfect but they aren’t bad considering I haven’t touched my sewing machine in almost a decade. And what was I thinking about when I went to bed last night? Was I angry? Were my emotions and thoughts all over the place? Nope. Instead I was thinking about how I could tweak the masks I make next. I was creating. I would much rather be kept awake by creative thoughts than by frustration, wouldn’t you? 🙂

Dream: Mermaid Warriors

Shifting gears to dream-land….

My dreams have been few and far between these days but the ones I recall lately seem to involve ships and water. To give you an idea, previously I was on a sinking ship and rescued by three nuns in a submarine. lol

So last night’s dream was quite bizarre. I was on a dock with others standing next to what reminded me of a Stargate (Stargate movie lovers will know what this looks like). A woman was calibrating it and a blue light was emanating from the center. I was very close and the lady put her hand up and said to me, “No. You can’t use it whenever you want anymore. You have to wait.” My feeling and response was something like, “Oh come on!” I really, really wanted to go through it and it felt like I did it all the time. What is odd here is that the woman called the Stargate a “corral”. I’m not sure of the meaning here except to “confine or bring together”. My feeling is the next event or journey, what I was so eager to go into in the dream, is a “corral”.

Then I was being shown a “crew” that was being gathered together. I was told they were a mermaid crew yet what I saw was a group of women with legs standing together in clothing that reminded me of a warrior, like Amazon warriors. They had in their hands spears and their faces were without expression. There were at least 30 of them.

By this time I realized I was with a man who seemed to be directing me. Probably a guide or mentor. The man was tall, broad shouldered and light haired. He was talking about going to a very upscale restaurant that served foods that were not usual. I can’t remember what the foods were but they were things a sea creature would eat, not a human.

Considerations

Funny enough, when I woke I was having a conversation with someone asking to be allowed to go right now. It felt that I was about to be taken away in a “ship”. So, my thoughts were, of course, on a space ship type vessel. I highly doubt that I am going to be taken up in a space craft.

The symbolism here seems to be indicating a journey is ahead, one that will gather together a group of like individuals. How we are alike is unknown but based upon my past experiences I would say we have in common this: We are Light Workers/Warriors of the Light.

The mermaids indicate the ability to shift form from creatures of the water to creatures of land. The sea here is intuition and the ability to tap into it as needed. The land here is being human, or better yet Hu-man. Mermaids are symbolic of higher consciousness and being attuned to one’s authentic self. They also represent knowing and following one’s life purpose. The fact that their human form appears warrior-like feels to be a message or a calling to “arms” though not in the way one might think. It is more of a presence or a duty.

The man says of the food served at the restaurant that there is no use eating it if the restaurant doesn’t prepare certain foods a certain way. My feeling on this is that I am being asked to “eat the right food”, meaning to nourish myself with things that will strengthen me rather than weaken me. I am being asked to be mindful of what “foods” I eat. My first thought here is that I need to pay attention to what media content I am looking at – not just news media but any information being brought to me right now.

I feel blessed to have had this dream. It is promising but also cautionary, advising that while we wait, we be careful of what we consume.

 

 

 

by

Dream: Saturn Meets Pluto

Interesting dreams lately, one in particular I think I should recount.

Dream: Saturn Meets [Conjunct] Pluto

The dream location was in space amidst the stars and planets. I was traveling with a companion feeling very interested in what we were doing, which was writing/creating a story based upon the stars. I could change location with a thought and did this every so often to explore the story line.

There are many details lost to me now but some are very prominent in my memory. I remember flying up to a planet and saying to my companion, “….when Saturn meets Pluto”. As I said this, I saw the planet Pluto moving toward me and watched as the entire solar system of planets was shifting around to where the planets closest to the sun were now farthest and the planets farthest were now closest.

Pluto was my focus most of the dream and I actually shifted my position and ended up on the surface of the planet for a time. While on the planet I was talking to many others as if we were children creating an interactive story. In the story, Pluto was a planet where people were sent for a time, like a prison, and the word “prison” was actually used here. The planet looked much like pictures I have seen – a barren, gray rock.

I watched as a person was given their ration of food. It was in a cup and they took a drink but what was inside wasn’t a liquid but instead looked like metal rods. The rods looked like tiny splinters – sharp and silver and most definitely not something a person should eat! The person did not drink the metal and as I watched I shifted positions and took the perspective of the person holding the cup and not drinking.

I vaguely remember discussing Jupiter conjunct Pluto, also, as well as other planets. It was like I was getting a lesson on astrology.

Dream Message and Symbolism

In that instant most of the dream fades from my memory and I struggle even as I type this to fill in the gaps. Parts will surface only to vanish when I try to contact the memory. My best guess is that I am not meant to remember the details and am suppose to focus on the feeling of the message the dream was meant to relay.

The feeling I had here was that I was being told of a circumstance or event where the entire solar system will be flipped or turned upside down. I don’t think this is literal but more an analogy of what is happening or will happen. The solar system is likely symbolic of the Collective and what is happening here on Earth.

The other part of the message is about the planets. There is most definitely an astrological message here, which I explored the minute I woke up. This message revolves around Saturn and Jupiter conjunct Pluto.

Being I am not an astrologer, I have to rely on the internet to decipher what these conjunctions even mean. What I read, though, makes a whole lot of sense and goes perfect with the dream content.

Saturn-Pluto relates to the established power structures and ruling elite versus the common people, nuclear events and restriction on many levels. Source

In 2020, Jupiter and Pluto will form conjunctions in Capricorn as follows:

  • April 5th: Jupiter 24 Capricorn conjunct Pluto 24 Capricorn
  • June 30th: Jupiter 24 Capricorn conjunct Pluto 24 Capricorn
  • November 12th Jupiter 22 Capricorn conjunct Pluto 22 Capricorn

These unusual patterns spell opportunity and change. They also spell the downfall, very specifically, of any person, group or organisation which had total control before, or was abusing power. Source

Unfortunately, I don’t have much time to really delve into the astrological significance of these conjunctions at this time. So I must rely on my feelings about my dream and the message it relays.

My gut feeling says that this year – 2020 – is a year of extreme changes that span multiple areas of life, both personal and collective. We have already seen this with the Corona Virus but the feeling is that the virus is just the tip of the ice burg. The changes going on under the surface are and will breed significant changes in the weeks and months to come, all of which you can bet will push us as individuals and as a world population to our limits, forcing us to rethink and alter the systems, beliefs and patterns that have ruled our lives up until this point.

The part of the dream where Pluto is the a prison planet and the person is about to drink razor blades feels significant to me, also.

Pluto is the great revealer, but often there’s a dark night before the rebirth. Pluto brings to mind purging, exorcising, and releasing buried power or core truths. It’s the planet of creative destruction, and transits can feel like extended ordeals. Source

To me, the fact that I become the person holding the destructive drink and do not drink relays the message that awareness is ultimately attained and destruction is avoided. This could be a personal message for just me, or more likely a message about the Collective.

The planet being a prison is evidence of Pluto’s significance here. We create our own prisons in life. Truthfully, everything we experience is of our creation, even the worst, most traumatic ordeals. So it seems that 2020 is acting as a Dark Night of the Soul for the entire world right now, especially those who have remained asleep (as in versus “awake”, “aware”).

Reflection 

What I find most interesting is that when I awoke this morning I had a realization about my sister.

She is currently in the hospital again after being sent home only to return a couple of days later with shortness of breath and high blood pressure. Turns out she had water around her heart. The doctors fixed his but the medications caused kidney dysfunction and so they have been holding her at the hospital until her kidney function improves. Once that happens they will release her to continue to take antibiotics because the infection on her heart valves still has not cleared.

My mom, who is 71 years old, had agreed to let my sister live with her while she recuperates under the condition that her husband doesn’t visit. This is not only to keep my sister from getting her hands on more meth, but also to avoid her husband exposing my mom and step-dad to the Corona virus. Until yesterday, this was plan, but sadly my sister’s husband came to the house and picked up their son. My mom told both of them that my nephew cannot come back to stay with her until the virus is not a threat. That same day my sister told my mom she wanted to go home and stay with her husband in their RV for a few days once she is released. My mom told her if she does that she will not be allowed to come stay with her and my step-dad.

The most likely scenario is that my sister will go home and then beg my mom to give her a second chance because conditions at her RV are deplorable. My mom is set against the idea and I don’t see her giving in. So, my sister will probably return to meth with the help of her husband and their son, well, God help him.

The realization I had this morning involved an understanding of the dynamics of my sister’s co-dependent relationship with her husband. What popped into my mind was this:

Munchausen syndrome by proxy: A parenting disorder in which the parent either fabricates an illness or induces an illness in their child.

From this I made a connection. My BIL, who has struggled his entire life with self-esteem issues, has been keeping my sister dependent upon him so that he can continue to remain in his caregiver role. This makes perfect sense because he has never been able to find purpose in his life and has long struggled with low self-esteem and self-destructive behavior. Then my sister comes along and he feels he finally has found his purpose – take care of her, be her knight in shining armor. The only problem is that when she is not dependent upon drugs she doesn’t need him and is very independent. So, he enables her to keep her dependent upon him. It is not technically Munchausen syndrome, but it is close.

I am not saying my sister is innocent, but she is like a child in this case. She wants to be taken care of and thrives off of the attention (and the drugs) she gets. She would likely shower her husband with love and affection when he provides her with her drugs and reinforce her need of him. My sister benefits by not having to work or take responsibility for her life. She is allowed to do what she pleases and her husband gets to feel needed.

Though the situation is sad, I was relieved to finally see it more clearly. Whether this has anything to do with my dream, IDK. Perhaps it is a part of it, one of the many stories the Collective is running through at this time. Whatever the case, I hope that the path they choose is the one that leads to healing, wholeness and recovery.

 

 

 

 

by

I Am Not Afraid

Hope all of you have been well despite the hoopla created by the Corona Virus around the world.

Me and my family are doing well. Not much has changed for us. My husband and I still go to work. I still work from home most days and go into the office 1-2x a week. My husband is there every day. We work in steel fabrication of public works so nothing has changed really except that our shop workers have been limited to 10 people per shift. So we opened another location so they could keep production levels up. Those who are considered most at-risk for getting the virus have been cleared to work from home or have been given extended leave (paid). Thankfully, we are a strong enough business that we can do this for as long as needed. Most want to continue working because – a productive person is a happy person.

The kids have been home since March 14th and started online learning last week. They, of course, want to start on their work first thing in the morning which can make it hard for me to juggle three kids and working, but I do it. My experience as a teacher and school counselor has definitely assisted me with this! The kids love school this way for the most part but my middle child wishes he could go back to school. Bless him.

My mom and step-dad are at their country home living life as normal and not afraid one bit about the virus despite both having underlying conditions. They are both bummed that their social outlets have been cancelled, though. They are avid church-goers and also participate in a choir. I do hope that this shelter in place ends soon so they can resume their activities. It is much worse for an older person to be isolated than a younger one. Thankfully they are able to watch my nephew during this time to keep busy and active.

My MIL is not concerned about the virus and still comes by to visit and goes about her daily activities. She likes to inform us how her siblings are freaking out about it, though.

I’ve noticed when I’m out and about lately (shopping for groceries or driving to work) that there seem to be more people on the roads than a week ago. There are also more patrol cars. When I am in stores the mood is less tense, which I welcome. I was avoiding the stores not because of possibly becoming infected but because people were so full of fear that it would make me anxious and/or ill. So I guess I was scared of getting infected –  infected by fear! It is nice to go out and not feel that. Perhaps all the fearful people are hunkered down at home, terrified to go outside?

My daughter informed me that her friends are referring to this virus as the “Boomer Remover”. I almost choked on my breakfast when she told me. I later told my “Boomer” MIL about the name and she burst out laughing. So refreshing to have laughter during such “serious” times. 🙂

Sleep and Dreams

Some other good news is that I have been sleeping really well since last Friday. Yay! No more difficulty going to sleep. No more frequent wakings. Just, deep, restful, dream-filled sleep.

With the increased sleep I have been feeling that “not alone” feeling in the night and during the evenings before sleep. Not knowing who or what the presence was, I say my prayer of protection and drift into dreamland. A couple of nights ago, though, I woke suddenly and saw my Himalayan salt lamp had turned on by itself. It freaked me out a bit but I got up and unplugged it and went back to sleep. Then last night I woke hearing someone say, “We have been watching you.” lol My response was, “That’s great………..” lol

I’ve had a few dreams of note.

In one dream I was at the doctor’s office getting a check-up. The doctor was Dr. Now from My 600lb Life, which was very strange! He was giving me a breast exam and talking to me about an upcoming surgery. He then got out this strange instrument and pressed it into the area just below my ribs, where the ribs meet. He told me he was trying to hook it into my esophagus. I told him it hurt and he suggested I take a small pill that would make me feel spacey and not feel pain. I asked, “Can’t you just do a chest x-ray?” He nodded and said he could. I told him, “I think I had one done in 2011. Maybe you could get my records?”

There was more to the dream but that was the part that stood out. My take on it is that I was getting spiritual work done on my solar plexus in the dreamstate.

In another dream I was back at school, at a college. I recall walking up to a dorm room and standing at the door, #224. I unlocked it and went inside. It was full of young women. Some were sleeping, others sitting together and talking. I sat on my bed and then tried to get some sleep but one of the women kept talking to me. She asked me when I wanted to schedule my internship in the advanced education field I had opted to study – another Master’s degree in teaching. I told her that I had changed my mind and really didn’t need to or want to do it anymore. For some reason I mentioned Montana and how I hated the cold, blustery winters but loved the beautiful mountains. When I spoke of Montana I got a very dreamy feeling and kept wanting to go back to sleep.

My feeling about this dream is that it was me considering yet another path or lesson in this life. I decided it was not what I wanted to do. The mountains and Montana represent a spiritual destination – could be Home or a feeling resembling Home. The sleepy feeling I was having indicates an avoidance and lack of awareness. It is a preference to remain unaware, comfortable or without the knowledge this new lesson could bring.

I’ve had many, many other dreams and dream encounters but most are lost to me now. Once I wake they fade quickly because I have so much to do during the days now – schooling my kids takes up most of my morning. So dreams and the spiritual have taken a back seat to life. I have brief memories of some Kundalini energy here and there, but it is hard to recover.

The Future

My gut feeling and intuition about the Corona Virus pandemic is that most of the fear mongering and Collective fear-based reactions will lessen once we get into the summer – June being the turning point. I don’t feel this means the virus will be “beaten” but that the fear will have abated for the most part and interest will be more on rebuilding and getting back to focusing on living rather than on death.

A quote has been coming to me whenever I think of the quarantine and shelter in place rulings being made all over the country. That quote is, “Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.” You may recognize it. It is from Braveheart.

Hunkering down, waiting out this virus for fear of death is no way to live. A person can only live in fear so long before it consumes them entirely leading to full-on apathy or full-on rage. These are the two directions the emotion will take most people. Prolonged fear and living in the fight-or-flight condition can and will lead to illness and death. Many people lived in complacency and/or apathy prior to this virus. It is likely they will return to that. Some will “wake up” from this experience, most will not.

My hope is that people will at least learn that living in fear is no way to live and recognize just how much fear has dictated and continues to dictate their life and decisions. Maybe for some this will be the “wake up call” they need to change?

We are eternal Beings. The body is just a vessel, something we use to experience the high’s and low’s of life. It is guaranteed that we will suffer while we are in the body. It is also guaranteed that the body will die.

I continue to be reminded by my guidance to “Follow the 8 Winds”:

The “eight winds” are eight influences that agitate and inflame the human heart and mind.* They consist of four favorable circumstances (prosperity, honor, praise, and pleasure) and four setbacks (decline, disgrace, censure, and suffering). Their contents are roughly as follows:

Prosperity: to obtain what one desires

Decline: to suffer loss

Honor: to be admired and praised in one’s absence

Disgrace: to be criticized and defamed in one’s absence (behind one’s back)

Praise: to be admired and praised directly

Censure: to be criticized and defamed directly

Pleasure: to be happy in body and mind

Suffering: to suffer in body and mind

Source

The key to overcoming these is to find balance through non-attachment. You can read more here.

Currently, with the fear of the virus being propagated everywhere, the main attachment people are having is to life via their body. Meaning, they don’t want to lose their body or suffer the pain that may or may not come with it. Others are fearing the loss of loved ones – so they are attached to others and what those others bring to their life.

I am not afraid of my own death or the death of anyone else in my life. I know if I lose a loved one that I will grieve but I also know they are not truly gone, just in another place, a place I am able to contact when I choose. Similarly, others in my family are not afraid because they know what I know. We know pain and loss are possible, but we don’t dwell on it. We choose to operate in the moment, day to day, without fear of “what if”.

The quote above still echos in my mind as I type this. What is it to truly live? I know, for me at least, it means to live from my heart, without fear, taking life by the horns and riding that bull until the very end.

One thing is for certain, though, “it [all things] will pass.”

by

Putting the Past to Rest, Kundalini Dreams and Messages

Two weeks of struggling to fall asleep. I’m only getting about 5-6 hours a night and it is taking its toll. I suspect it has to do with the Corona virus scare and all the hoopla surrounding it. It is me picking up on the Collective more than anything I think, though I have my own issues surfacing independent of the virus and the Collective. All are One, though, so it is all the same to me.

Previous to news about the virus, I have had thoughts about past relationships coming up. This began way back in January, so I know it is not the cause of my sleepless nights because I had no issues with sleep back then. Some thoughts/memories are from past boyfriends, others from past connections in high school. Nothing major – no major emotions or reactions to the memories, really. Mostly I am coming to unuderstand the other person more and more and I think that is the point. This indicates that I have shifted from being the effect of my emotions and karmic lessons to being more at cause and seeking understanding in order to put it all at rest.

For example, a specific ex-boyfriend of mine continues to come up in my thoughts and I even had a long conversation with my husband about him. At that time in my life I had just awakened spiritually and was fascinated with my newfound gifts. My connection with him was a catalyst for my awakening, though a subtle one. He introduced me to the book that had the meditation in it that served to ignite all the swift changes in my life at that time. I realized that was his only purpose and am grateful to him for that. However, I also see how I was so immersed in my awakening that I neglected him, didn’t see the “signs” that indicated he felt ignored, under appreciated and fearful of a great many things. There was recognition that for him, I was more than just a fling, I was a potential long-term relationship and maybe more.

The signs were there but I didn’t see them back then. He took me to meet his father for one despite putting down his father and indicating he cared nothing at all about what his father thought of him and his life choices. He also altered his home environment to suit me. When I met him he had nothing permanent in his home. His furniture was all plastic or dorm style. His bed was an air mattress. He had no dresser in his bedroom. Yet after we started dating he bought a new bed and furniture. When I started drifting away from him, caught up in doing readings and exploring my gifts, he admitted to cheating on me (he kissed an ex-gf). I believe he did this because he wanted to test my reaction. I dumped him immediately and had no emotional reaction other than that. Afterward (we worked together) he was very resentful and demonstrated his hurt via critical comments. Then years later he contacted me in hopes of a second chance, but I was already married. He put down my choice to marry and have children saying, “Oh, you’re one of those.”

I was also able to recognize that he was a very conflicted person. He wanted to marry and have children but resented his brother who was doing just that. His brother was praised and commended for his choices by his father. So two reasons to not be like his brother. I think he began to have feelings for me that scared him. His response was to self-sabotage. Cheat on me and make it easier to escape a situation where he was at odds with himself. Yet despite this, years after he sought to reunite with me because deep down he longed for more.

After all this reflection I find I genuinely love him, not in a romantic way but in a family way. I wish only the best for him in his life and hope that he has faced his inner demons and made peace with his father. Maybe he has settled down with a partner and has found some semblance of peace?

I went through the same process with the other relationships that came to mind – another ex-bf and a girl I went to high school with. Seeing their side of things helps me to let go of any leftover negative emotion, freeing me – and them – from the trap of repeating the lesson in future lives.

Unusual Kundalini Dreams

One benefit of the delay in falling to sleep is I used that time to meditate and go within.

Last night, once again frustrated at not falling asleep, I asked my guidance for help. Since I had done this before with little response I asked to be given something interesting in my dreams – an OBE, a lucid dream with Kundalini, a gift perhaps – yes a “gift” would be nice I said.

My request was granted immediately.

Somehow I drifted off to sleep and entered into a lucid dream within a dream within a dream. The dream specifics are confusing because I was in two places (three really). I was in my bed aware that I was dreaming but I was in two different beds – one in the past and one in the present. The past bedroom was at my Mom’s home. The present bed my own bed in my house now. The dream took place in the past bedroom but I shifted between past and present, aware of each shift.

As I lay curled up on my side (in both beds) I had a dream of an invisible man coming to me. I shifted OOB where I could feel him and hear him, but couldn’t see him. He had stubble on his face which kept scratching me as we kissed. His hands were large but gentle. I recall shifting back to check on my sleeping body in the past bed while observing from the present bed and then shifting back to be with him. I remember becoming passionate with him and pulling back when his stubble scratched my cheek. I commented to him about it even but did not complain. The energy started to build and for some reason I withdrew from him. I don’t remember why. Perhaps I had a consideration of being found out? When I withdrew he did not want me to go. His persistence created more intense energy and my second chakra began to ache in response. It was both painful and pleasurable. This woke me.

When I woke I was surprised and pleased. My lower chakras were active and swirling with energy. I told my guidance, “More please.” lol

I fell asleep for a while and was awakened at 3:30am by my arm which was very, very itchy. I was bitten twice a few nights ago by what I think was a mosquito but the bites did not heal like normal. Instead they have remained very itchy and red. The itchy feeling comes and goes and this is the first time it has wakened me.

I got up and put some cortisone cream on them and then covered them with band-aids to prevent me from scratching them in my sleep. Then returned to sleep.

This time I entered into a dream that was very different from any other Kundalini dream I’ve had.

I remember being at a mobile home and interacting with a woman and her husband. I believe I was having an affair with the woman and trying to stay hidden from the husband. I am not sure if I was male or female but I think I switched between genders because at the end I remember recognizing I was male but feeling female.

The woman is hard to recall and I am not even sure it was a woman. I suspect it was a guide or teacher and the dream camouflaged them to fit with my comfort zone. This guide was touching me and igniting a very pleasurable feeling – and this is an understatement. I recall kissing and the electricity that resulted was beyond my comprehension. It took my breath away and created a chain reaction in my body like a match lights a bonfire. The pleasure wasn’t just energetic but physical, too. Every point on my body that was touched responded the same and every time it happened I was in awe and super curious. I remember commenting about it but can’t recall my exact words. I felt like a teenager exploring and touching for the first time. The places I was touched – hands, arms, leg – all felt to connect and exhibited the same explosive, erotic and pleasurable sensation. The pleasure I experienced is beyond description. I have not experienced the K like that before.

This went on for some time until the woman (guide/teacher) hid me as her husband returned. I remember hiding outside the back door and then crawling around the side of the house. When I saw the woman standing there I froze, hiding from her, too, but knowing she would see me. This is when I felt to be male but female, also. When she looked at me, I woke up.

Messages

When I woke my crown chakra was swirling with energy and wide open. It felt like a stream of consciousness was entering via my crown, a feeling I haven’t felt in quite some time. When this happens it feels as if I am connected to my guidance/HS in an expansive way – a 360 degree feeling.

The memory of what had happened lingered and I was still in awe, asking what had happened and why. The first response was, “You have an itch you need to scratch”. The symbolism was not lost to me since I had awakened prior to this K experience from a very, very itchy arm. My response back was, “Shouldn’t I not scratch? Scratching leads to infection…” I got no reply, probably because I was over-thinking it. lol

Then my guidance reminded me of something I was told years ago in an OBE encounter with a guide who spoke with an accent. At that time the guide started a sentence and I finished it. He said, “Quite a fine sense you have. The more and more (I finished his sentence) you see, the more and more you will believe. Trust them to know what they see”. But this time it was the opposite – “The more and more you believe, the more and more you will see.”

I knew the explanation to be one I had heard many times before. When I first awakened I asked, “Why me? Why is this happening? How is it that I can do what I can do?” and was told, “Because you didn’t believe you couldn’t.”

We are limited by our beliefs. When we do not believe we can’t experience something that opens us up to all that we can. I was being told that I experienced this different K energy because I had no consideration that I couldn’t experience it. I was asked, “Imagine what you could Know if you tossed all limiting belief?”

This conversation left me feeling very optimistic as my imagination went wild with all the things I could experience and Know.

Other messages I received:

“It’s your turn”. This came after what seemed like a memory of my soul group and us “taking turns” in some way related to ascension and the planet. It felt like we went through cycles of “rest”. It’s like we are all holding a rope in tug-o-war and sometimes we have to let go to get a breather and the rest of our group holds on and takes up the slack while we rest. When we return to hold the reigns then others take breaks and so on and so forth.

Vision: I saw a flood of water and knew it was a message that I would witness others around me suffer through troubled times. I was reminded that I would be spared. I saw myself standing as the water flooded on either side but missed me entirely.

Heard a voice say my step-father chose to move on (died). This, I believe, is future related and so the timing of it unknown.

by

All is Well

Had some dreams of note. In one I was at a computer screen and sent completed files to this guy. He said, “You forgot to merge the files.” I looked at him and said, “Okay. That shouldn’t take more than an hour, right?” He smiled, laughed and said,”More like four or more hours.” I smiled and took his hand in mine and looked at him. In this instance dream time seemed to slow way down. I can’t remember his face now but I remember thinking that it was okay if it took a long time because that meant more time with him. There was a nice warm feeling in my heart and I woke up still feeling it.

After waking the significance of “merged documents” was not lost on me. I knew it was referencing Wholeness – or becoming One with All. I understood that I didn’t mind waiting because it gave me the chance to be with the man. If we merged I would become the man – which is not the same.

A few nights ago I remember being in the in-between talking about how much I missed a soul family connection. As I cried and my heart hurt, I was being reminded of why I was here. There was a feeling of knowing that the Oneness I so desire is my natural state in Spirit and that I come into human form to experience myself separate from that, which is what I am doing. The separateness is only temporary and with that I should try and enjoy it and learn from it while I can.

The two experiences stayed with me. Then, I had a dream last night in which I was making love to myself while looking into a mirror at my own face. As I looked deep into my own eyes I felt the significance of the experience. Someone interrupted, taking my bedroom door off of its hinges. I got up to put it back on and saw that the bolt that kept the hinges in place was missing. The door was to never be secure. It was just an illusion of security. I saw this, too, and accepted it.

As I woke I began thinking about these messages. If we are merged, One, then how can we experience ourselves outside of ourselves except to be separate from ourselves? I saw this life in human form as that experience. How can I hold my own hand except but to allow myself to be as a man and a woman, separate with separate experiences, reaching out to each other? I saw my husband, my children, my mom, my family, friends, everyone as the opportunity to do this, to reach out to touch myself, see and experience myself and to remember I am not alone because I am ALL.

With all this something extraordinary has been happening to me. Slowly. I almost didn’t notice it, it occurred so slowly, but I have noticed. I think it all comes down to something simple: choice. I don’t consciously do it most of the time. It just happens automatically.

This all stems from a decision I made a long while ago. I decided that some things were just not worth my time and energy. Mostly negative things, things that did not bring me joy or that made me feel a certain way – that anxious pit in my stomach feeling or that unwell spiritual-energetic dissonance feeling. They are feelings that are hard to describe but when I feel them I know them. When I feel those “off” feelings I simply switch off the thoughts that cause them and turn on other thoughts or observe my environment and breathe it in. I do this so frequent it has turned into a habit. Yay!

As a result of this new habit I am much more peaceful throughout my day. I am much calmer and more centered. It is this new Beingness that helped me to notice how much I have changed for the better.

I find much more joy in simple things than I use to. I smile at things that normally I would have not noticed. I enjoy moments more and as often as I can.

I would like to hope that this is progress, at least on some level and all my hard work is beginning to pay off. Or maybe I am just finally entering into a stage, one that comes with getting older, and this is just part of a process everyone eventually goes through? 🙂 Whatever the case, I am feeling so much more solid in this body and life and it is well with my soul.

Something that came to me the other day on a walk (I take two a day now), is about the chakras. I remember thinking, “The lower chakras say, ‘live long and prosper’ and the upper chakras say, ‘but remember who you are’.” lol The lower chakras are all about the biological organism – reproduce, survive, live, die. The upper chakras are the tether that connects our human and physical forms. They work to remind us that we are much, much more than these bodies – eternal/infinite. The two, when streamlined, allow us to be both human (finite) and Spirit (infinite) in balance; merging physical and spiritual.

I can feel when I am streamlined like this and when I am not. I don’t know how I lived my life up until now not noticing the difference! Perhaps the self (little self, Ego) and the Self (Higher Self) are cooperating like intended? 🙂 Like in my dreams where I am in a car, but both the driver and the passenger? The driver being the Self and the passenger being the self. The self can be a HUGE back seat driver but she stays in that passenger seat where she belongs a hell of a whole lot more than she use to. hahaha

It is ironic that with all the panic and ridiculous amounts of fear in the world right now, I am feeling quite the opposite. I hope you are, too.

 

by

Dream: May Day

Seems I just can’t catch a break when it comes to my dreams lately. I am having vivid, lucid dreams. Many have been sexual, sometimes with elements of the Kundalini. Others have been upsetting, some so much that I feel they are predictive of some future event.

What is going on, I wonder? My intuition tells me that we are shift, shift, shifting again. Like majorly but in subtle ways that are more inward, drawing out deeply hidden wounds that need healing. Wounds that may have been partially healed but because they were not totally “flushed” from our energy they have to be confronted, handled and released. Based on the intensity of this shift I am betting you all have felt it, too, though your experiences would not necessarily be like mine.

In the past few weeks (since the last week in Feb) I have been having dreams and physical reality encounters (online mainly) with people from my past. People who I met in the first few years following my spiritual awakening in 2002. Three ex’s to be specific. Two re-connections occurred online with men from that first year of my awakening. One was an online chat that went on for half of the work day, the other was just me looking in on them without them knowing.The other connection came via a lucid dream encounter which had me waking up thinking, “What was that all about?”

On top of the odd return to the past I’ve been having premonitory dreams. The V-Day dream I had was one such dream and this morning I woke in tears to another one, this one mentioning May Day (May 1st).

Dream: May Day

The dream shifts and changes settings three times. In the first dream setting I am with others who my husband and I know in real life. There is discussion about the kids all going to one place to hang out while the adults go to another. For some reason it seems like the kids are all going to my house and I make it known that I do not want this. It feels like the group determines I should be the babysitter without asking me.

My husband and I visit a pizza (return to wholeness) place to order pizza. He selects pizza from an metal shelf and begins to taste test some of the food. I watch as the man taking our order prepares a bread loaf by taking dough (money, finance) and rolling it into small balls and putting them together. I take one of the ball of dough and taste it (good fortune), asking if it is okay. He says it is and I put the tasted dough back into the pile and he continues to make the bread.

Then someone mentions it is time to go and the kids all seem to be piling into our car, which is a station wagon (family). I protest and remind them we do not have enough pizza for all of them.

We drive, me sitting in the passenger seat and also in the driver’s seat at times (two aspect of Self). We are going to a “dance” at a school. The school parking lot is flooded (emotion). Water is rushing down the road and getting high enough to stall out a car (upsetting emotion). I drive through it and from the passenger seat I can feel the water hit my feet because there is a hole in the bottom of the car (an aspect of me will be impacted by this flood of emotion).

I drop the other kids at the dance but do not let my daughter go. She is upset and I tell her that she should have told me in advance about the dance.

As we leave we encounter a black man asking for donations to fix his car. A nice, black car is sitting near him, one tire missing. I feel generous and begin to look in my purse for money to give him.

The scene shifts and I am driving with others in a country setting. Again, I am the driver and the passenger. As the passenger I give instructions. “Turn left here.” The driver me drives past and I look back and say, “You missed it. You have to turn around.” We drive up a distance and find some little shops. The road looks to be red brick. We begin to turn around and I see the shops look to be from the distant past, like the Middle Ages. Men are lingering and looking strangely at us, but we drive back to our missed turn.

The scene shifts again and I am in a warehouse that is also an elevator (levels of consciousness). The button is pushed to go up but the elevator malfunctions and it goes up only to fall quickly back down. I know this will happen, though, and am prepared. Then we are trapped inside for a while until someone cuts the wire and the power is cut off. The elevator opens on the ground floor and we exit.

The scene shifts for the last time and I am at a gathering. It feels like a wedding or similar celebration. There is a long table set with various items as if we are preparing for the celebration. At the head of the table is my “sister” though she looks nothing like my sister in real life – younger and much prettier with long blonde hair. She has pretty, thin ribbons in her hands and seems to be braiding them or something.

My “sister” is smiling and talking on “the phone” (there is no phone) with a mother figure. I can hear both voices in the conversation. I recognize that the mother’s voice is not our mother’s but maybe the mother-in-law or some other mother related to my “sister”. I say to her, “That isn’t mom you’re talking to, is it? Mom died didn’t she?”

When I say this, I have a flash of memory and seem transported into this memory. My mom is laying in a hospital bed, sitting up against the raised back. She is very weak and I somehow know that she has had issues with her heart. My mom says to me, “I’m not going to make it.” There is instant memory of an entire event that leads up to my mom’s death.

Shocked at the memory, I begin to see a calendar. The month’s of the year rapidly flip from page to page, pausing on the months and certain dates for seconds before moving to the next month. I see the 14th of January and then the 21st of February. Then the page stops on May 1st. I remember thinking of Mother’s Day and how so much happened to me and my family in 2014 around this time of year – births, deaths, marriage, relocation, new jobs, new directions in life for many of us.

I shift back to talking to my “sister” and say, “May 1st….May Day…..” I begin to sob uncontrollably as I realize my mom is dead. Dread hits me and devastation begins to spread from my stomach up to my throat and my head like a warm liquid. My heart sinks and I cry so hard I wake myself up. As I wake I am saying, “May Day (mayday), May Day (mayday)” as if I am asking for help while also trying to remember the day.

It was 5:30am and I couldn’t go back to sleep.

Considerations

If this is a premonitory dream then I hope, hope, hope it is not literal. My mom has always told me that she could not bear the death of one of her children. She has said, “I won’t make it” which were similar to her words to me in my dream. The feeling of the “heart problem” my mom had in the dream was that she was unable to continue living because of something that happened to her heart.

Just recently I discovered that my sister’s condition has not improved. She has staph on her heart valves despite the removal of 7 infected teeth and her blood tests showing the infection had cleared. She also confessed to being addicted to Meth, which has been a shock to me and my mom and anyone else who now knows that didn’t before.

The doctors have decided to do heart valve replacement surgery and replace the infected valves with pig valves. This is a very risky surgery so my guess is she must be doing pretty poorly for them to risk opening up her chest to replace her heart valves while knowing she is a Meth addict and will likely return to her habit once she recovers and put herself at risk for a repeat of this health emergency.

I have been at odds with myself over her situation. On the one hand I want her to recover and overcome her addiction to become the person she is capable of being. One the other hand I am certain she will succumb to her addiction and end up right back in this place sooner more than later. I am furious that the doctors would replace her heart valves knowing she is a Meth addict and not at all recovered except for her time spent in the hospital. But I imagine they are aware of this likelihood, so if they are doing the surgery anyway then she is at death’s door already.

So if my dream is precognitive, it could be that it is warning me of how my mom might react to my sister’s death. Or, it could just be a worry dream and nothing more. It felt precognitive, though, especially since the message is so similar to the previous one. May Day – V-Day…..

Honestly, the intensity of this past month and the uptick of dreams and dream encounters this past week has me a bit worried. I asked my guidance the other morning, “What is wrong with me?” upon waking from a particularly intense lucid dream. I am losing sleep because I keep waking from intense (Kundalini) or upsetting dreams at early hours of the morning and cannot get back to sleep. I lay awake thinking and wondering and get this feeling that is BIG. It says to me, “Change is coming. Be ready.”

Sometimes my spiritual gifts seem like a curse. Why know what is coming if I can’t do anything about it!? So seldom does knowing help except to prepare me emotionally by giving me a heads up. I wonder, though, does it really prepare me? I suppose in a way it does because I can process the emotion ahead of time so that when the event does occur I can be there for others. I can be less affected and more emotionally stable. For me, the loss of my sister is something I can bear but for my mom? I imagine what it would be like to lose a child. If I lost one of my children it would be devastating. A part of me would die and continue to die for the remainder of my life. Like my mom, I don’t think I could survive it.

by

OBE: Silent Night

I got an unexpected OBE this morning. It was short but followed by some interesting messages.

Dream: Teaching Assignment

The dream takes place in a non-traditional school environment. I am working there and talking to the principal and other teachers about the end of the school year which is fast approaching. This is a self-paced school and the students are expected to reach their goals in a timely fashion but are not forced to adhere to specific syllabus or itinerary.

At first we are talking about an email virus (interference in communication) that has been infecting our work computers. I see the email containing the virus in my inbox. It seems to replicate and I hurry to delete it.

Then the principal asks me if I think all my students will be done by the end of the school year. I say “no”. The principal asks how much time I think they need and I say, “Another four weeks, at least until the July break (4th of July).” A co-worker acts surprised and I mention how I will take my summer break then. She looks even more surprised and I ask, “Don’t you have a summer break here?” I am told school is year-long.

Next, I remember pacing back and forth in front of my mother’s house talking to someone about how my current employment as a teacher is in my favor. It can help me find another job, one where there is a summer break (need for a break). It feels like I am trying to convince myself that everything will be okay because I have a Plan B.

Then I am watching as the children head down a steep set of stairs (levels of consciousness) to go home or to lunch. A group of hillbilly looking people drive up. They have a trailer attached to their truck. It is filled with all sorts of birds – chickens and turkeys (cowardice) mainly. The principal says the group is a family who he is trying to nudge away from his school. It feels like they are a nuisance. We begin to usher the kids back up the stairs but it is very steep and the top step very high. I have to help a little girl (aspect of myself) who I think of as my daughter because she is so little and the step so tall. She makes it with my help and we stand on the balcony watching the hillbilly family below.

The principal makes a deal with the family who offers to use his turkeys and chickens as a petting zoo for the kids. He warns us to not let the children get too close or they might get pecked.

OBE: Silent Night

I am aware of lying in my bed and hear a familiar clapping beat to my left. I say familiar because I heard it yesterday morning. The clapping goes along with drums but I don’t hear the drums, I feel them. I am following along, trying to learn the rhythm. Yesterday morning I was actually saying the rhythm while clapping, “Da, daa, da-da, da, da…” As my mom, a music teacher for 30+ years, would have said it, “Ta, ta-i, ti-ti, ta ta.”

Unlike yesterday, this morning I recognize that these are a type of “noises off” except that focusing on them doesn’t keep me from going OOB, they assist me. As I decide to shift OOB I feel heavy blankets (security, protection) over my head and shoulders. I will them away, clapping my hands harder and singing the rhythm louder. In my memory I see the music I am making move the blankets off of me and I feel lighter as they fall away.

Out of bed and OOB, I head toward my bedroom door and easily pass through it. It acts like a portal and I find myself floating down, down, down towards a school setting with wood flooring and toys scattered about. I set my eyes on something, a toy of some sort, but I can’t recall what it was now, and head toward it, curious and feeling somewhat out of character for myself while in my astral form. Something catches my eye from behind me and I turn to see a man standing, hands casually clasped behind his back. He feels like a teacher and is dressed very casually in a blue polo shirt and jeans. He is looking at me and sending me a telepathic message for me to come over, so I do.

On the floor at his feet is a fluffy teddy bear (trust, security, companionship) with a large object in its hands. I want to say it is a megaphone (need to hear something) but it is hard to say. It is definitely shaped like one and is red in color. I lean in and snuggle the bear and the man says, “He is saying something. Listen.” He again says this telepathically so there are no words but rather it is like a hum or energy inside me that urges me to pay attention to the tiny bear.

I put my ear up to the bear’s mouth and listen. I don’t hear anything so I listen harder, stilling myself in order to catch even the faintest of sounds. I hear a small voice, very faint and it is singing a song. I listen and catch the bear’s words and know he is singing a lullaby. He sings, “Silent night….” but in the tune of the familiar ABC Song.

Caught off guard by the message I am receiving and not understanding I look up to question the man but don’t remember if he is there. I decide to explore the area more but am stopped by the familiar sensations of shifting back into my body.

In-Between

I shift back into my body which feels very heavy with energy focused in my mid-section. I receive visions and communication from the same man from my OBE for some time after. In these visions he is next to me. I am seated in a captain’s type wooden chair with a tall back that reaches shoulder height. The man pulls up another chair but does not sit in it. The feeling is the chair is meant for a visitor but that visitor is not the man. Am I waiting for someone? I feel the answer is yes.

The man tells me something but his exact words are lost to me despite my repeating them over and over in order to recall them. The meaning remains and it is that they (my Team I guess) will assist me with a type of re-integration and healing. I am frustrated to not recall the word he used because it made so much sense to me in the moment! Yet now I have no clue other than a feeling that lingers and suggests a “piece” being re-placed via a type of “lesson” that is forthcoming.

I remember seeing the edge of a pool, its waters crystal blue, calm and clear. I hear the man say, “See” and I know he is indicating the waters are related to my spiritual state, not just a “clearing” or healing. When I visit waters like this in my dreams and OBEs I find them delightful, calming and peaceful with a sense of freedom and fluidity that is hard to describe.

I am reminded of a message I woke to yesterday morning. Someone was whispering to me, “En Fuego.” All day I thought, “I should look that up just to be sure of it’s meaning” but I never did. I already new it meant, “On Fire” and was likely a message relating to the Kundalini “fire”. Later that day I was driving home from the store and heard a duet on the radio. The song stirred something in me and I remember how music and singing light up my soul. I began to fall into the song, seeing the voices as the masculine and the feminine energies within me. They danced together as the two voices in the song harmonized and I felt it within myself. It was beautiful but sadly it was interrupted by a phone call. 😦

In reflecting on the water symbolism along with this message of being “on fire” I can’t help but think of the elements and astrology. I am Leo – a fire sign. Water signs are strangely attractive to me, likely because they are my opposite. I can’t help but wonder if I am being asked to immerse myself in the opposite “element” to create a catalytic effect. Perhaps that empty chair holds the answer?

 

 

by

Dreams and the Lessons they Teach

Though I haven’t been trying to remember my dreams and have not been writing them down often, sometimes a dream or two will linger in my mind for days after having it. I take this as reason to review and write the dream down. So I will do that now.

Dream: Too Old

What I recall most about this dream is being with a group of others my age but they all appeared younger than I am in life. We were sitting together at a round table and across from us was a group of older people. I say older because their hair was graying and they appeared much older than we did. The place we were in reminded me of a bar except the lighting was brighter. There was quite a bit of background noise from people talking and catching up. Perhaps it was a class reunion or similar? Hard to say as I did not have that feeling while dreaming.

I remember an older man with almost white hair was looking at me from across the way. His face didn’t seem too old but I felt he was much older than me. A woman sitting near me commented that he was interested in me. I think he said something to me but I can’t recall what now.

My comments were what I remember the most. I remembered suddenly that I would turn 44 years old this year. To me this was too old – too old to anticipate anything exciting in life, too old to bother making new plans or exploring new relationships, just too old. I mentioned how all the men my age were starting to show their age and the neglect of their physical bodies. They were pudgy, gaining weight or overweight, they were balding, they were graying and they were just unattractive in general. I pointed out that the men my age were looking for women much younger than me and told the woman sitting with me that she was the age they were interested in and I was far too “old”. The men interested in me were the age of the graying man who was staring at me from afar. I found this extremely unfair. Why do men get to get old, gray, let their bodies go and get progressively unattractive and society allows this and even encourages it? Yet women are expected to maintain their youthful looks as long as possible and if they don’t then they are judged harshly? “Old women” are not considered useful, yet old men are. Add to that women are expected to accept unattractive, older men as their partners, which leaves them in the likely position to become their caregivers in the end as they inevitably grow old and develop age-related complications and illness.

In the dream I felt the impossibility of my situation and I began to cry. I woke up crying.

My thoughts about this dream are that it is the result of finding my ex-boyfriend’s profile on FB and seeing just how much he had neglected his physical body. He was fat and had really let himself go. I could see all the years of heavy drinking, drug use and partying on his face and body. Yet his wife still maintained her youthful looks and was still by his side, accepting the lackluster man he had become and looking unhappy and stressed out. I knew he had not changed much over the years and felt it unfair that he would be so successful and people would accept the lie he presented of himself so eagerly.

I know this dream reflects my struggle with growing old. I work overtime to keep my body in good physical shape, eating healthy, exercising, etc. Why? I want to continue to look “young” as long as possible. I’ve always said I will grow old gracefully yet I am fighting it. My main reason for working out is to keep my body looking better than a 20-something body and it is working but it won’t work forever. I look at other women and men and judge them harshly if they have let their bodies go – mainly if they are overweight which 65% of our population is. I want to show them how easy it is to maintain optimal weight, be healthy and feel good. What I end up getting is lots of jealousy by women and stares from “old”, gross men. lol

When I am OOB I almost always looks young and youthful – beautiful. Here, we get to watch ourselves deteriorate and we really can’t do anything about it in the end. All roses wither and die.

Dream: Betrayal

In this dream I was watching as my husband generously offered to pay for the meals of a large group of people – families mostly. This group was very large – like fifty or more. I stood watching him, fuming that he was doing something that would cost us so much. Mainly, though, I think my upset was that he would do it knowing I did not agree.

I confronted him in front of a “family” member, a young woman who I recognized as his cousin. When she heard our disagreement she said that she felt this was a warning sign to him and advised him to fix the situation. Her comments held meaning beyond her words, suggesting that he end our marriage. I called her on it, telling her that she knew nothing about the history of this long-standing upset I have with him explaining how he had done similar things in the past without first asking me if I was in agreement. It felt like a slap in my face that he would do it again, purposefully knowing how it would make me feel.

The cousin’s face softened and she offered to pay for the meals herself and I rejected this because the issue was not in the money. The issue was in his not advising with me beforehand and taking away my choice in the matter. I felt powerless to do anything. There was also a fear that I would have to make up for the lost money by working more and frantically try to make up for it in other ways. It left me feeling insecure and I do not like that.

I woke up upset and recognizing I was exploring my feelings and the source of my upset.

In considering my reaction in the dream (and in life in similar situations), I look at how I’ve paid for entire meals for others (groups even) in the past without a thought. Yet when my husband does it I get furious. Is it that he is somehow taking away my glory? Is it because I feel the people undeserving? Or is it really because I had no part in the decision? It is very obviously illogical.

My main feeling is that he has no right because part of our money is my money. MY money means I make the decision, not him. I seem intent on hoarding money, keeping as much as I can for “potential unexpected expenses”. But really, money makes me feel safe, or at least gives the illusion of safety. When he “throws money away” like that I feel he is a threat to my security, to our family’s security. This is the heart of my upset. I must have had a lifetime in which someone, maybe me or maybe a partner, spent money without consideration of the future and left me and our children destitute.

In this lifetime I watched my own mother stand by idly while her second husband spent money without a thought to the future. They got an in-ground pool installed, bought nice cars, and went on trips to exotic places. He spent and spent and she stood back and watched despite her gut feeling that spending frivolously and not saving money was a mistake. In the end, his income dwindled to little to nothing and he up and left her when money got tight and he couldn’t spend as he pleased. Then she found out he had not been paying his taxes over the years and so the government came after her because she had been his wife. They began to garnish her wages leaving her with no way to support her family. She had to file for bankruptcy and it devastated her.

What is even stranger is that my MIL demonstrates a similar money problem, she blew hundreds of thousands of dollars in a short time, never saving it or investing it in her retirement, wasting money without considerations for her future or the impact it would have on her children. Now, in her old age, she expects her children to care for her every need and continues to not take responsibility for the money she does earn, spending it frivolously and expecting her children to give her more whenever she asks.

So it is obvious to me this money issue is a big lesson for me. I wonder, though, what I am suppose to learn from it? I mainly get angry with the inconsideration people have shown me and my loved ones. How could anyone do that to another person on purpose? It feels like the ultimate betrayal to me, one with potentially devastating consequences.

Reflection

The sense I get from the dreams and the lessons they offer is that they are the result of my asking my guidance for help. What is left for me to overcome? What is holding me back?

I am consistently receiving the message to “open my heart”, to look at life through the lens of love. I know what love is. I have experienced love beyond human love (which is conditional and frivolous). Divine love does not judge. It isn’t critical of others or self. It holds no expectation. It is purely accepting. It sees beauty in everything.

My first response to the above dreams is to be critical of myself for these very obvious “flaws” in my human self. Yet this reaction will not help me. I have to love these aspects  of my present self and personality. How do I do this? I have to show myself compassion.

These considerations I have are the result of lifetimes of human conditioning. My considerations about growing old are not just mine. Every human has them as they grow older to some extent. And my concerns about frivolous spending of money come from experience, past and present lifetime. They are deeply embedded and their rising to the surface gives me the opportunity to consciously explore their roots in order to free myself from the suffering they cause.

 

by

Dream: V-Day

Lots of change occurring right now.

February 6th Dream: V-Day

I was driving along a rural road in an unfamiliar place. My kids in the back of the car. I noticed all the other cars around began to pull over and off the road like an emergency vehicle was coming. I looked and listened. Nothing. Why were they pulling over? Rather than get in trouble, I pulled over quickly, running my car into the ditch nearly hitting a fence. Relieved, I looked around. The roads were completely clear and all was quiet. I rolled down my window and asked someone in a nearby car what was going on. They said, “It’s an evacuation drill for V-Day.” I thought, “He must mean D-Day. Maybe we are in the UK?” I thought it strange they were doing a drill when there was no war and no need.

My family and I got out and began to walk back to our hotel. As we entered a circular, gray stone courtyard in a city, we noticed there was snow all over the ground. I turned around and saw a ski hill in the distance. It made me smile and I mentioned how fun it would be to ski. I began to slide around on the snow. My kids did the same and we made sure to avoid the deep puddles that were forming as the snow melted.

We entered a building that reminded me of a mall. I remember seeing the entrance back to the hotel. It was hidden in the back of a tourist gift shop.

Interpretation

When I woke I knew the dream was a premonition. My interpretation of it was that some kind of “evacuation drill” was coming on Valentine’s Day. The good part is that it would be a “drill” and ultimately not the actual event.

The positive feelings I had at the end of the dream were promising. The snow is melting – so some kind of stalled situation will finally have movement. The ski hills in the distance seem to indicate quick progress and hope.

My thoughts of “D-Day” in the dream seem to indicate that an assault of some sort would occur. Assault here could be symbolic of taking action where it is needed.

A couple of days after I had the dream I was shopping for Valentine’s gifts for my children to give to their teachers. There was a small box of chocolates that had, “Happy V-Day” on it. I remembered the dream and knew it was a reminder. Never in my life had I seen “V-Day” used on boxes of candy like that.

V-Day

I was on alert all day on Valentine’s Day. When nothing happened I shrugged my shoulders and thought no more on it.

The day after Valentine’s Day I received a voicemail from my mother who told me my sister was in the hospital. She had been rushed to the ER on Valentine’s Day after waking up to find she couldn’t see. Her vision went completely black and she was disoriented and afraid.

My mom told me that the doctor’s told her my sister had a “blood infection”, which translates to sepsis. They didn’t know the source of the infection but since she also had a UTI, then that was likely the source. She had three mini-strokes, the first of which caused her blindness. The source of the strokes was an infected heart valve. She had a heart valve replacement (HVR) with a pig valve 12 years ago. The valve was worn out and failing, throwing blood clots that lodged in her brain and caused the strokes.

I was able to visit my sister the next day, Sunday February 16th. She was awake and her vision had returned, though not fully in her right eye. She was in pain but otherwise seemed like her old self. She appeared very swollen and pale and had sores all over her body, a side-effect of the sepsis.

She talked with us for over an hour and seemed much better. She told us that when she was admitted they had asked her, “What year is it?” Her response was, “1987”. She said she couldn’t remember anything from the past two days except waking up and not being able to see.

Several times while talking to her, she broke down into tears. Her tears stemmed from overwhelm at her situation, the pain she was still feeling and the love she was feeling from friends and family.

The bad news is that once healed from the sepsis she will have to undergo another HVR. The first time she had the surgery was devastating to her. Open heart surgery is never easy and the road to recovery is long. She is hoping they will be able to do the surgery without opening her up, but I don’t know if that is even possible. She survived it the first time, so bets are she will again.

I told my sister about my dream and it gave her hope. I didn’t tell her that I think the “evacuation” part symbolized leaving the physical body. The “drill” in the dream symbolized a test of her readiness to leave this life. Some call these “exit points”, points in our timelines where we can choose to go Home. At this point it appears she has decided to stay.

Please keep my sister in your thoughts and prayers.

by

Dream: My Heaven – No Entry

Interesting night of dreams.

Lucid Dream: Chest on Fire

I suddenly became lucid. I was standing in a suburban neighborhood in a cul-de-sac. There was a car on my left as I approached some people standing on the side of the road outside a house. Everyone of the people in the group were African American and I recognized that I was different from them but didn’t care. My main focus was finding my “daughter”. I remember thinking, “Do I even remember what she looks like?”

Not long after that thought I saw her and rushed up to her, wrapping my arms around her and hugging her tightly. I told her how much I loved her and called her my daughter. I asked her how she was doing as I pulled away and saw her looking to her left and behind her. I turned and saw another young woman, probably about 14 years old approaching. When I saw her I knew she was my daughter, too, and that she was very sad. I opened my arms to her, inviting her into a hug. She fell into my arms and I told her how much I loved her, how beautiful she was and not to be sad.

When I pulled away I looked at this young woman and marveled at her beauty. Her hair had been relaxed and straightened and was pulled up tight at the top of her head, cascading down around her in a neat little shoulder-length bob. Her skin was flawless and glowing but her eyes told another story.

I motioned to the woman sitting in the car to my left and told the young lady, “Never forget how much you are love. She loves you.” It felt like the woman in the car was the mother. I touched the mother figure and was surprised to find her very, very pregnant.

I hugged the young woman again and told her, “It won’t last forever. Just feel the love. Just feel it right here (putting my hand on her chest). You are always loved.” I believe she was crying but can’t remember seeing any tears. What I do recall is that I could feel all her sadness and pain. I took it on as my own and began to cry with her.

My hand was still on her chest but I could also feel the pressure of it on my own chest, right between my breasts. The pressure was focused and distinct to the point that it almost hurt. I began to physically feel an intense heat there. It got hotter and hotter to the point that I felt I would not be able to bear the heat much longer.

The heat and pressure spread over my entire body and eventually woke me up. I could still feel it lingering as I rubbed the tears from my eyes. I have never felt heat like that before. It was so real, so physically hot, that I was certain my bed had caught on fire.

Dream: Surgery

This dream was very long. It took place mostly in a hospital. I was to get cosmetic surgery on my stomach area and had checked in. I was awaiting surgery, first in my room, and then in an operating room.

There were several “interns” tending to my needs and talking to me about my up-coming procedure. One was familiar, a tall, blonde male of slender build. There was discussion about what to expect from my surgery. They gave the surgery a name but I don’t recall the name now. Instead I remember seeing in my mind what would happen. They would take a flap of skin from my abdomen, double it over on top of itself to make my entire mid-section more firm and tight.

While I was waiting, my sister stopped by. She was an intern at the hospital, too, and was surprised to see me there. She gave me more information on the surgery and then left, wishing me luck. I remember knowing my sister in this life was nowhere near being as smart as this sister and marveled at how different she was in the dream.

I ended up staying the night and being taken back to wait for surgery the next day. The same group surrounded me and I asked if I could make a change to my surgery and get breast implants. They said it shouldn’t be an issue but I still seemed to wait for a long time. I remember wandering to an area with a very old computer and rotary phone. I realized it had long been abandoned by the staff and looked through the files, curious at the time capsule I had found.

When the doctor arrived I was placed on the operating table and left awake as the surgery took place. It took no time at all and I remember being left naked on the table for a long while, my new body looking like Barbie it was so perfect.

Eventually the blonde male came and took me from the operating room. I knew he wasn’t meant to because he sneaked me out. He seemed romantically interested in me but I didn’t mind.

He took me to the cafeteria to get some food and ordered us cookies. We were each given two cookies and then there was a third cookie also. I remember asking him, “Two cookies?” He nodded “yes”. I took mine and began to eat them. So did he.

Then we were in the shower together, both of us naked. I recall seeing his nakedness and noticing his arousal but not caring because I felt safe with him and knew he was a gentleman. This is where the dream ended.

As I woke I was hearing someone (the man from the dream perhaps?) asking me, “Do you know how beautiful you are?” There was a conversation that followed but I was too tired to remember it. Mostly I remember that he was trying to tell me that no matter how old my physical body gets, I will always be beautiful. I also think he told me that he was there to help me.

Prior to falling asleep I had asked again to be shown my Heaven, or where I would go when I died. This time I think my question was answered.

Dream: My Heaven – No Entry

I found myself in a beautiful garden, beautiful beyond any place I have seen on Earth. There was a crystal blue, shimmering stream running down the center. It shined like it had diamonds or crystals in it. On either side of the stream was vivid green grass dotted with flowers of all kinds. People dressed in white and with glowing skin were walking about, mostly in pairs, some holding hands, others arm in arm. Groups of people were sitting among the flowers and others under the massive oak trees that had shimmering fruits hanging from their branches. Beyond the trees were rolling hills that went as far as the eye could see.

In the center, crossing over the crystal stream, was a golden bridge. In the middle of the bridge stood a man who, to me, felt like “God”, but I knew this concept is incorrect but the closest approximation my mind could come up with. I watched as he met those who had arrived into the garden in the middle of the bridge. He spoke with them, telling them what their path would be while they were there, and then granting them access.

I saw a young blonde woman dressed in white walk up to the man on the bridge. The gatekeeper, as I will call him, barred her way into the garden. In that moment I shifted perspectives and became that woman.

The tall, gorgeous blonde man was fantastic in appearance. His skin shimmered as if covered in diamonds. His eyes were a vivid blue and his hair, straight and blonde, flowed down to his mid-back. He wore all white and was a good two feet taller than me, making him at least 7 feet tall. When he spoke to me my inclination was not to question anything he said but accept it fully and comply.

I wish I could recall word-for-word what he said but I became extremely lucid at his words. They echoed in my mind as I tried to capture them and their meaning. I do remember he said that my purpose was back on Earth, assisting my “family”.

When I heard him tell me, “Your purpose is not here” (meaning I could not come into the garden), I initially accepted it without question and turned to leave. Then I began to wonder to myself, “What did he say?”  So I turned and with my mind asked him, “Say that again?” He repeated himself and his words were odd inside my mind, like musical but also booming and not of this Earth.

In this short period of time as I pondered what was happening the scene began to de-materialize and the garden slowly faded from view. The man, however, did not leave my mind/thoughts. Upset, I remember hearing that I was not meant to walk the path I once thought I was here to walk. Instead, my main purpose was to my family, which I interpreted to mean my husband, children, mother and siblings.

Interpretation

I believe the first dream was me visiting my daughters from another life or parallel lifetime. It felt like I crossed over, into this other dimension, with the purpose to check on them. The empathic connection I had was amazing as was the heat I felt in my chest that spread to my entire body. I’m not sure exactly what to make of the whole experience, though.

The second dream about a surgery is probably a result of my recent considerations about getting some cosmetic procedures done to correct some physical imperfections that are the result of growing older. Mostly these ideas are coming out of sheer boredom and wanting something interesting to do with my time but they also arise from a sense that my youth is slowly fading away. The message in the end was that I am beautiful no matter what. The dream could also be symbolic of healing, specifically to my mid-section where my second and third chakras are located.

The final dream seems to be a direct message to me that I am not yet meant to go to my Heaven. My firm belief is that Heaven is whatever we want it to be, so on some level I see Heaven as a magical garden. I must also think that there is someone acting as a kind of gatekeeper. This probably stems from my Christian background where people are said to stand at “the gates of Heaven” and from there are either granted entry or not based upon their good deeds on Earth. The appearance of the gatekeeper in my dream reminds me of my many dream encounters with Andromedans. They are usually very fair skinned and appear similarly to the gatekeeper man. It seems that my dream Heaven is not based upon “good deeds”, though. Instead, entry is granted when a person’s mission on Earth is complete. I am told in no uncertain terms that my mission is not yet complete.

As for my purpose being to assist my family, my guess is that it not just my biological family members I am assisting.