Category Archives: Dreams

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Weekend of Clarity and Well-Being

This weekend has brought with it clarity and a feeling of well-being. 🙂

Friday night I went to Beck’s Night Running Tour at the Austin 360 Amphitheater. The main reason I went was because Cage the Elephant was going to be playing. Spoon was also there but I saw only the last portion of their concert.

Overall, my favorite was, of course, Cage the Elephant, despite Beck’s performance and sound being so much better. I just don’t vibe with Beck very much. He’s – unique. lol But so is Cage the Elephant. The lead singer, Matt Shultz, was wearing bright pink/purple parachute pants and a black bee keeper’s mask at the beginning of the show. Then he put on a black hockey mask. Then he started stripping on stage (lol). At the end he climbed on top of a tower close to where I was sitting while Queen’s “We Are the Champions” was playing. By this time he looked completely naked but he was wearing a skin toned body suit. lolol Definitely a memorable performance!

 

Spoon just finishing up.
Cage the Elephant portion of concert.
Matt Shultz wearing parachute pants at beginning of performance.

I didn’t get home until past midnight and I was so wired that I didn’t get to sleep until after 2am. Oh well. It was worth it.

The best part of the whole experience was that I did not experience even one panic episode. As you can see from the pics, there were hundreds of people there and we were packed pretty tightly. So, no anxiety was refreshing.

This song was the one playing during the pic of the purple colored stage. I woke up this morning with the part, “Time, flies by, they all sang along…” going through my head.

Signs and Syncs

The next day – yesterday – I woke up after only 4 hours of sleep. I had a busy day but thankfully the lack of sleep didn’t bother me. I took the kids to my Mom’s house for a visit and we had a wonderful time swimming, eating and enjoying each others company.

I took my mom fresh veggies from our garden to include baby sweet peppers, cherry tomatoes and a massive watermelon. When we cut open the watermelon we were surprised to find it had yellow flesh. I didn’t know I bought that kind of seedling!

During the visit some interesting things happened. First, my mom told me they had killed a massive snake. She showed it to me. It looks to be a huge King snake. I told her she should have let it live. 😦

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Then there were hummingbirds everywhere and it seemed they came to visit at really coincidental times.

Finally, on the way home we encountered tons of deer and it was still quite early for them to be out. They would not move so I took a video and caught the lone buck, antlers still covered in velvet, on camera. Sorry, I can’t post the video but he was an eight point (four point for you northerners). Very beautiful and majestic.

Then, as I drove home, I was very relaxed and calm. Usually – well lately anyway – I get nervous when I am driving because of all the panic episodes I’ve had while in the car. This time I felt very similar to how I use to feel when I would have spiritual experiences in the car. It was very nice!

This morning I knew the signs from the trip to my Mom’s house are reflections of my state of being. The dead snake is the most significant because I decided that I am done with following the Kundalini like I have been. It is clear to me now more than ever how the K comes to reveal the hidden in unexpected ways. I had thought I was meant to follow it and the feelings it brings but I realize now that “follow” is all wrong. Observe is better. Under no circumstances should I (or you) assume anything about what is being observed. Do not seek out the positive feelings, but allow them to pass without attaching to them. Avoid connecting those feelings to a specific person for they (the person) is not the cause but a reflection.

Hummingbirds are courage, determination and flexibility. Deer are spiritual authority, regeneration, and watchfulness.

Dream: Louisiana Cats

I was learning about a native people’s in Louisiana who were cooperating with colonists to save an endangered big cat (the feminine) species from extinction by offering it a safe place to live. The cat was often misunderstood as vicious and dangerous to people, when in reality it was passive and no threat at all. The cat looked fierce enough but it had no claws and did not hunt for food like most big cats. Instead, its actions were very similar to a deer – quiet, reclusive, and sensitive to its environment.

The majority of the dream was me listening to the story about the long ago past, during Colonial times and well before many of the states of the U.S. existed. I watched as two peoples came together for a common cause – protecting the endangered big cats. The Natives had tattooed bodies and faces but were gentle peoples. The colonists cared about the land and animals, striving for peace and community.

I recall seeing the land that is now the state of Texas. Part of it was covered by the color red (anger, aggression, passion) – the southern, central, and eastern parts. I was told a tropical storm (swift change, warning) or hurricane by the name of “Heather” was coming. I saw the red zones extend into the southern part of Louisiana. Then I saw the faces of the big cats which resembled female lions (timing, power). These quickly shifted into visions of spotted fawns (silence, mediation, solace) being licked by their mothers and an entire herd of does and newborn fawns. The visual was focused on the fawns and the mothers were use their heads to encourage them to stand.

Dream: Cat and Mouse

I was walking along a country road with my mom and three children. It was hot. The sun was high in the sky. Tall, browning grasses covered the sides of the road. A country house and farm was off to the right, the gravel road and roofs of the structure there the only thing visible.

As we walked a tiny, dark brown mouse (timing, observation) ran ahead of us. He felt like a pet and I kept watch over him as he scurried along. At times I feared he would be eaten by a bird of prey flying over head, especially when he ran out into the open. Overall, he felt important. I definitely cared about the little mouse.

Then I noticed an old tree, bare of leaves, its branches covering half of the road and casting shade over all of us. I heard a scratching sound. It was really loud. I looked up toward the noise and saw a huge Mountain Lion (feminine, the Kundalini) sharpening its claws on the tree. I grabbed my phone and began to take a video. The big cat saw me and I got nervous, backing away and getting farther and farther from my mom and kids who were still standing below the tree.

I kept videoing and the mouse, which was ahead of me now, was lost from view. I remember thinking, “He will be okay” but worrying about him nonetheless and hoping he was safe. My focus was now on my children and their safety. I yelled at them to hurry and they did but my youngest lagged behind. I knew at any moment the big cat could pounce. I wondered if I should make noise to try and scare him away but something told me this cat was different. He was hungry.

Interpretation

The feeling when I woke from these dreams was that I was reviewing the decision I made about the Kundalini energy. The first dream seems to be about the Divine Feminine and Kundalini energy itself – the misunderstanding, history and protection of it. Storms are always warnings. In this case it has a name and I wonder what exactly the symbolism of that name is. The shift from cat to deer has me wondering if I am seeking to emulate the characteristics of the doe and her fawn (mom and baby).

The second dream is very obviously about the threat I feel from the Kundalini energy. I am in protective mode, specifically of my children. The little mouse is interesting to me. I seem to love it and want to protect it. My best guess, based on the below info, is that it symbolizes my fear of something bad happening to my family because of the Kundalini.

Mouse as a totem – Mouse people know the greatest value in life is having the family together in one place. They don’t find happiness in material things. They are adaptable and goal-oriented.

Mouse dream symbol – can be a message to be careful and be on the lookout for something up and coming that could tempt you or be harmful to you (or your family).

The cat is hungry in the dream. This means the Kundalini is not finished. It is still lurking, ravenous.

 

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Dream: Watch

Feeling more like myself now. Whatever shift in energy was occurring seems to be abating. This is wonderful considering how upsetting last weekend was. I do not wish for a repeat of that!

Today has me somewhat reflective. Specifically, on my relationship with those of the water element astrologically. I want to ask a question of those of you whose astrological charts are primarily water – If you tend to take your time to communicate, either by going silent or just disappearing for a while – what is it you are going through during those times? What is going internally? What are you thinking and feeling?

The reason I ask this question is because when this has happened to me, meaning a water sign just disappeared or stopped communicating without any explanation or warning, it has seemed as if they are quite unemotional and distant. I wonder if they have any emotion at all. In fact, I’ve had thoughts that they must be especially cruel and mean to behave in such a way, especially if prior to this they were expressing how much they loved and cared about me. I often (usually) conclude that they are liars, and must have never cared about me to begin with. Thus, my relationships with water signs (male usually but sometimes female) have not lasted long. My father was a double Scorpio (sun/moon) and I have to say that was the longest relationship I’ve ever had with a water sign and it was only because I had to since he was my father. lol

My guess is that I am all wrong and that the water signs who have done this are retreating into a safe space, avoiding communication in order to avoid conflict and further upset. I understand that my tendency to be overly blunt and insensitive causes this response to me. I get it. But the lack of communication – the silent treatment – that is nearly unbearable! It’s not like I need an in-depth explanation of the inner workings of your soul. I just need some closure or something that tells me what I did. And I especially would like an opening to apologize. And I would like to think of you (water signs) as a someone who has feelings like me, rather than wooden and uncaring.

With all of that said, I am realizing that there is nothing at all wrong with me being like I am. I do not apologize for being intense and conflicted at times. I am proud that I can express my feelings, though I admit I can be rather blunt and overbearing. I am working on expressing myself in ways that do not intimidate or hurt the sensitive. Most times it is not intentional but when it is, I feel completely awful afterward.

Dream: Watch

I had an interesting dream this morning that, sadly, was interrupted by my son. I would have liked it to continue!

The dream began with me standing with two others and our boss. Me and a female coworker were being told the company was having to lay off the male who was standing behind us in the background. I protested saying, “Oh don’t do that! Can’t he take on some of my work? I would be happy to share hours with him. He is smart enough to do what I do, right?” My boss nodded her head and said, “You started at $10/hour, right?” and inferred that he would take a pay cut but she would allow him to take some of my duties. She got out some sticky notes and placed quite a few on paper. They were all blank and represented duties that were to be passed to this man.

Then I was guided into a crowded cave like structure. It could have been a basement or underground structure like a shelter of some sort. There were tons of people squished inside and all huddled up against the back. I remember walking in to join them and knowing they were all teachers like me. Everyone was in good spirits, discussing classes and regular school activities. It felt like we were going somewhere together, like on a trip. I recall talking to a few fellow teachers about items brought in. A watch was discussed and I saw a wrist watch floating mid-air in front of the person asking me about whether I remembered to bring it.

Around that same time the end of the cave-like structure lit up and a image was visible. It was as if I was flying over the image. A field came into view as did a road that was encircling it. The road moved from the middle to the edge of the field. There was another road on the right that led to a double fenced entrance with a small building at the entry point. I remember seeing the scene moving and exclaiming, “I know this place!” I then thought to myself, “It’s Montana and that road leads to Butte.”

I continued to fly but realized soon that I was not alone. The entire room was with me! I turned and saw that we were all gazing up at the screen, eyes fixed on the image. I saw a metal railing in front of me and grabbed on tight. As the screen moved I ducked under the railing and looked up at it. It pulled me in and I felt my entire body moving as if on a roller coaster.

Then I went with the group into a vehicle. It was as if we were being loaded onto a massive cargo plane or something but the scene showed a regular car. We were facing backwards, looking at the road behind us as we traveled forward into the unknown. The sensations continued as if on a roller coaster and I remember the anticipation as the speed increased and we seemed to angle upward.

The movement backward (or forward) increased and I recall seeing the road to “Butte” again and knowing where we were going. The shifting sensation intensified and then the car broke through soil and I was floating in front of it viewing the headlights as they poked through the dirt. The front of the car was beaten and battered as if it had been wrecked.

I noticed movement to my left and saw a bedraggled raccoon scurrying away. His hair was matted and stringy as if he had been through a flood and gotten soaked. I pointed at it and said, “There he is again!”

My son came in yelling, “Mommy!” and I woke with a start.

When I woke the song, “Afterlife” was going through my head.

Interpretation

It seems to me this dream represents a shift in consciousness and how it will relate to those of us who came here to help raise the vibration of Earth (starseeds). The beginning of the dream indicates that I am sharing a portion of my work with another. The job duties have yet to be assigned.

The entrance into the cave indicates a dark period. It could be that we have all been delving into some very deep, dark spaces. It is hard to say but the feeling was positive, as if we were all gathering to embark on a journey.

The “watch” portion seems to me to mean not only that I need to pay attention and watch the screen, but also Time as in a wrist watch. Upon recounting the dream it felt like we may be on a “watch”, as in waiting for something to happen.

Montana is symbolic for a spiritual destination or path. The fact that I saw fields rather than mountains is good and Butte is in the part of Montana that is not very mountainous (though there are some in the distance). It is also close to the Great Divide.

I find the most significant part of the dream being how we get on a truck (work) and seem to go backwards because we are looking behind us. Perhaps we have been doing a lot of that lately? Or maybe it is working on the past? In the end I see the headlights of a beaten up car breaking through the soil. This seems to me to be that we are about to break the surface. Into what exactly? It is hard to say but whatever work we have been doing is about to be behind us. The raccoon symbolizes a warning of treachery and deception. In the dream he is bedraggled and running away. My best guess is that we are about to view things as they are, taking off our masks and being truthful when in the past we may have been lying to ourselves (or been misled).

I say “our” because the dream seemed to be about a group more than me. It could have just been about me, though.

Other Things of Note

Two evenings ago after I had just settled into sleep and was dreaming happily, I had two odd incidences. Both times a young, thin, black man would “pop” into the dream as if trying to startled me. His face was always in a huge grin and he would have both arms and legs spread like a frog jumping across my line of sight. Both times I woke startled. The last time I mentally said, “That’s enough.” lol It stopped after that but not before I wondered WTF?

The other morning I woke up and saw the word, “Starseed” in big letters in my vision. It came with the message, “Don’t forget.”

I’ve been seeing 1111 and 111 quite a bit lately as well both in dreams and waking reality.

 

 

 

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Dream: You Have to Stoke Your Fire

Though I feel a bit better after the weekend’s concerning emotional stir-up and I’ve settled some, the residuals of what happened are still there and coming occasionally to mind as I go through my day. The distraction of it has been interfering with my work. Yesterday I almost wired $45K by accident because I didn’t recognized a fraudulent email address. Thankfully, I caught it but not after a nice stomach drop of dread. Scattered does not go well with my job and I quickly got myself in line after that.

For the most part I find myself in a sort of split state again. There are two distinct versions of myself and both have different feelings, ideas, and thoughts. I am not sure if this is just me working through a past version of myself or what. Maybe this is a fractured aspect that needs to be integrated? The problem is that identifying that aspect can be difficult and I often get confused as to which desires are mine or hers….or maybe they are both of ours?

My guidance is not much help these days so I often rely on my dreams to bring insight (I wanted to write “incite” for some reason). Last night’s dreams are interesting.

Dream: Flooded Back Yard

In this dream the back of our house was filling with water. It started as a stream flowing off to the left that I was trying to divert because I knew a flood was coming. I had a shovel and was taking dirt and moving it to help the stream shift direction. I piled a bunch of dirt into a section to slow the flow.

When I turned to my right the water was rising quickly and my husband had thrown a net across a large pond that had formed. I could see various objects floating in the water – boxes, furniture and random things that should have been inside a house. He and my children were happily riding on top of the objects as if at a swimming pool but the water was swirling and moving, little eddies and whirlpools forming. It was also dark, almost black.

I remember feeling unable to do anything to stop the rising water. My family ignored my pleas for help and seemed to think it was all fun and games.

Dream: You Have to Stoke Your Fire

This dream began inside a Chinese restaurant. My mom was with me and I was ordering food for her. I could not decide what to get her because she was not cooperating and telling me what she wanted. So I opted to get her a chicken dish. When I turned to the table where she was sitting I saw she wasn’t eating it. I asked her why and she said, “I am never eating this again.” There was discussion about her getting a job as well. She was suppose to work at the restaurant but refusing, saying she would not be coming back.

Then I was inside a house that was abandoned. I knew it had been my sister and husband’s house. I stood inside a dimly lit room. It had white walls and no furnishings. The shadows made it look pretty eerie. In the corner I saw a 20 gallon fish aquarium sitting in front of a large window. It was completely empty. For some reason I decided to add water to it. When I did, the pump turned on suddenly and I thought, “They left the pump on all this time, even without water?”

I looked down at my feet and saw a small bowl full of water swimming with all kinds of fish. I thought it weird that my sister would just leave them there with no oxygen or food. I took the bowl and dumped it into the 20 gallon aquarium. The fish began to swim about happily. There were all colors and shapes.

Suddenly a large creature flew in through the window, landed in the tank and began devouring all the fish. It was as large as the opening of the tank! I realized it was a massive house fly and frantically tried to find a way to get it out of there. I picked up a container of some kind of spray and began to spray it. I could see its back and wings – iridescent green. The spray annoyed it and it flew away. I remember freaking out a bit because of how massive it was and relieved that it did not fly toward me.

There was a mini-dream inserted here where all the fish transformed into poultry that had escaped from a pen. I gathered up three small, feathered chicks and moved them to safety.

Back in the house I began to walk the perimeter of the house and lock all the doors. I knew I would be staying the night and felt uneasy there. The house was large with a screened in porch around the entire perimeter. So I had to lock the doors on the porch and the house.

I remember coming to a set of double doors leading to the porch. I shut them and flipped the lock but the doors would not stay closed and flew open. Out of nowhere a man approached and said, “Let me help you with that.” He had me close the doors and inserted a finger in between the doors and latched them from the inside. They stayed closed and locked and I was grateful.

I continued walking and checking all the doors. The entire time I was thinking of how I was going to spend the night there all alone. The feeling was similar to how I use to feel when left home alone during the evening hours – unsafe.

I happened to look up and saw a woman standing beside a large, black kiln (for lack of a better description). She looked at me very seriously and said, “You have to stoke your fire or it is going to go out.” She was taking a long stick or pole and pushing it through the coals as the flames burst up, orange and yellow, making her face appear ashen and a bit evil. I did not recognize the woman and my dream memory is obscured. Her hair was long and black and she was wearing a dress that appeared gray and from another time. She resembled a witch standing over her cauldron only she was standing over a large fire. She was on a second level in the house, like an attic only it had no stairs, no walls, just a floor higher than the main level.

Messages

I woke suddenly from my dream and kept shifting in and out of the in-between. I kept catching myself talking to someone. Odd thoughts kept surfacing that made no sense. There was a warmth in my chest that eventually kept me awake. It was comforting but my reaction was conflicted – yes, fall into it or no, resist it. All the conflict within seemed present in my chest. I remember hearing, “All you have to do is follow your heart.” But I panicked because my heart was telling me to follow the feeling. It said, “Stoke your fire” which brought about fear of a return of the decimated feeling, a fear of everything that I am being destroyed. So I would retract and then be pulled back toward the feeling over and over, my heart very obviously saying one thing and my mind another.

A verse from a song was going through my mind, “Wait, if I’m on fire, how am I so deep in love? When I dream of dying, I never feel so loved.”

Interpretation

The first dream about the flood is most likely a fear dream. Water is emotion. Floods are overwhelm of emotion – emotional turmoil. I try to stop it but am unsuccessful. My family seems oblivious and the objects floating in the water are from the house indicating a disruption there which could be family or at the soul level.

The second dream is odd. My mom – aspect of me – is not being cooperative. She refuses to eat her chicken, which symbolizes fear. She also refuses to go to work.

The abandoned house is symbolic of a soul aspect that has been abandoned or ignored for too long. Fish aquariums represents desire of emotional freedom or for a spontaneous, unplanned and natural way of life. I add water and it comes to life meaning I allow myself to feel this feeling and recognize what it means. The fish are ideas, hopes, dreams – all very positive. The giant fly represents a threat or danger that is present. So something is threatening my hopes and dreams.

The chicks appear here. They can represent good things coming or could be a spin again on fear and cowardice.

The locking doors is my attempt to feel safe. The door that doesn’t lock indicates a difficult lesson. I received help from a man so assistance is provided.

The final part of the dream is what stood out the most. The woman stoking a fire and the message she gives indicate that I need to tend to my inner fire. This could be Kundalini or desire – probably both. The witch woman is probably an aspect of me, one I feel is “bad” in some way. The song that came when I awoke also speaks of fire and of death. The feeling I get from the song is that death is not a bad thing, especially if its death by love. 🙂

 

 

 

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A Rough Weekend

The weekend brought a shift in energy for me and along with it a departure from the more calm and balanced state I had been in for the preceding weeks. Saturday, July 20th, was a struggle specifically. I’m not sure what was going on energetically that day, but it manifested in both emotional and physical symptoms for me.

This is what I wrote in my personal blog on the 20th:

I’ve been noticing some under the surface feelings. It is like another me is there and I am picking up on her thoughts and feelings. She is constantly worrying and she is miserable. I try to block her out because listening to her brings the thoughts and feelings to the surface and I begin to take them on. I feel like I need to acknowledge them without becoming them but it is hard to do. The person feeling and thinking these things is completely done with life. Is she me? Am I suppressing her to the point that it is creating this overflow? Or is this something else?

The other day I felt like I was overstimulated by my environment. Everything was too much. It only lasted about 10 minutes but the feeling was that I needed to be somewhere without any electronics or cars or busy-ness. The overwhelm from this resulted in physical symptoms that are hard to describe. It is like I want to get out of my own skin. Like my own body and senses are all wrong.

At work I was feeling the overwhelm the other day. I tried to distract myself from the feeling. I ate my lunch and felt at any moment I would leave my body/pass out. I felt ill inside a little. There was a feeling that was all wrong. I don’t know if it was physical or spiritual or both. It passed but it worried me.

The panic inside is ridiculous. I have thoughts that I will die at any time. I have thoughts that bad things will happen. I feel unsafe. I feel completely vulnerable, exposed and alone.

The specific experiences on the 20th were tough to ride out because my daughter had a friend over and I had agreed to drive 30 minutes to pick her up. Despite scheduling the trip early enough to miss rush hour traffic I still encountered heavy traffic. It took all I could muster to stay calm and focused on the drive. Thoughts kept coming up that seemed to be from another me and I had to work very hard to avoid becoming the effect of them. The thoughts varied and I can’t recall the specifics of them now but they were riddled with anxiety and apathy.

Throughout the day and into the night the thoughts and feelings continued to surface. Tears were unavoidable but I was able to silently suffer through it for the sake of my daughter and her friend. I was more quiet that day than usual, very subdued compared to how I normally am.

Looking back I am surprised I held it together so well because on the inside I was really struggling. There were brief periods of time when I would be hit with this intense desire to die that kept me on alert because of how strong the desire was to immediately find a way, any way, to end my life. The feeling was just shy of impulsive and internally I held on with both hands to avoid losing myself to it. The feeling was so real. My stomach sank to my knees and I began to wonder if I needed immediate psychological assistance. I remember thinking, “This must be what people with Major Depressive Disorder go through, only for much longer periods. I hope that isn’t me. If this continues I will have to get help.” This thought came with fear and a certainty that a part of me had a serious death wish.

Then there was the disassociation with my life that would come and go. I saw this life I am living as not my own and the life I should be living was just within reach only I could not get there. At the time I rationalized it as a my response to memory – memory that far exceeds this lifetime. I remember thinking, “This must be why we forget our past lives when we enter a new one.” If I identify very strongly with a past life (or lifetimes) and remember it in my current life then the very feelings I was having would result, especially if it happens to be with someone I have strong soul ties to.

It seemed that I was struggling with two very real versions of myself the entire day. The emotions were raw and hard to experience, but I somehow made it though. It left me wishing that I could turn back time and undo all that this spiritual path has brought me. The Knowing, the Remembering, the soul connections, the Kundalini – all of it has obviously taken its toll.

That night I somehow managed to sleep, but it took a while because my daughter and her friend were up well past midnight. I had a dream which I wrote in my personal journal:

Dream: Picking Cherries

The dream began with me driving my children to a house in the country. It was still dark outside and I could see the road by the light of the moon. Everything where we were going had gone through a freeze (some emotion has been frozen) so there was frost on the grass and everything.

We arrived at a house and the kids went wild running about. They went in the back yard and found a bush or tree and picked what looked like two strawberries and a handful of cherries without stems. They called the fruit something else and I immediately realized we had come way too early to the house and would likely wake the woman who lived there and took care of the kids. I began to try and quietly get them all together to leave but as I was walking toward the back door, which was wide open (door to subconscious is open), the lady of the house woke.

She told me it was okay if we stayed but to only stay the amount of time we usually do and that I would pay as usual, too.

There was discussion about the fruit. She told me they were cherries (pleasure or challenges that give me mixed feelings) and they ripened early. There was another tree nearby covered in fruit and she came with some branches to try and hide it from the kids. She did not want all of it eaten.

The dream got odd then because I recall a man arriving that I was to marry. I think I was also a man so we were two men but then I felt like a woman so it is confusing. As we went to the front of the house near a window I remember saying that I needed to delay saying “yes” and he agreed. So, we didn’t marry then but were engaged. Then he began acting odd, jumping around and being overly excited. In the dream it was like he was doing gymnastics (trying to deal with conflicting problem). I remember saying to the old woman, “Typical man” or something like that.

There is a fuzzy memory of seeing a handprint (union) outlined on the frost on a window. It was the man’s print and I placed my smaller hand inside. It felt significant.

Message

When I woke I was feeling sad and thinking of how I felt before bed. I asked if I was going to go through another Ego death or if there would be another walk-in. It felt likely but it didn’t make me feel any better about the death wish that seemed to arise out a certain soul connection. A guide said to me, “Maybe it (the emotion/memory) is yours and it needs to be felt” or similar wording. The considerations of jumping back into the decimated feeling is not an idea I enjoy.

The song Hello was going through my mind – “I wonder where you are, and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely? Or is someone loving you?”

The last thing I remember is seeing a large meatball which represents recognition, straightforwardness and solace.

The next day (Sunday) I felt a bit better despite feeling a strong sense of conclusion or endings as I woke. There are times when things get really confusing on this journey and I want desperately to just erase everything that occurred before and start anew. This was one of those times. I had even decided to write a blog post called, “The End” because of how I felt when I woke, but as the day progressed the feeling subsided.

Toward the evening hour I finally felt the reassuring energy of my guidance. It came through as if being hugged and reassured. My entire body relaxes and I feel immediate relief. There is so much tension – mental, emotional and physical – I hold and to feel it release, even if just for a moment, is wonderful. The message that came through as always was that I do not have to be that way (tense and always on alert).

At night I couldn’t sleep because both my ears were ringing especially loudly and the sound was keeping me awake. I normally wear earplugs and so I removed them but the sound did not go away. It was as if I had just attended a live concert and exposed my ears to very high decibels resulting in a persistent ringing as my ears adjusted. As the hour grew later and later without the sound letting up I began to worry that sound would never stop. I fell asleep somehow and when I woke the sound was gone but now both my ears feel weird. They don’t hurt but feel odd.

The ear ringing continues to bother me and I researched it this morning to try and make sense of it. I was led to a condition called Meniere’s Disease. It turns out that many of the symptoms are similar to what I have been experiencing for some time – fluctuations in hearing, ear ringing (on and off), anxiety, nausea and heart speed-up’s among a few.  I have an uncle on my dad’s side of the family who has hearing loss in one ear. I have not asked him yet what the cause was/is. If I continue to have long episodes of ear ringing I may ask him but it could just be some freak ascension symptom for all I know.

Today I am feeling okay despite the crazy weekend. I don’t necessarily fear the return of the “death wish” thoughts and feelings but they are worrisome for the intensity of the impulse to do something irrational that accompanies them. I don’t like feeling on the verge of breaking – mentally or otherwise. A pill to make it all go away sounds really nice but then I know those solutions are only temporary. With my husband out of state once again, I am pretty much on my own right now so hopefully there will not be more incidences anytime soon.

 

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Update and Dream: Hippies

It’s been a while since I’ve written so I thought I would post a quick update and recent dream.

For over over 2 weeks I’ve been experiencing mild insomnia in the form of not being able to fall asleep until well after midnight. Some nights I sleep okay, others not well at all and then there are times I sleep very deeply. Thankfully I am able to sleep past 8am most mornings thanks to it being summer and my work schedule, which helps. The insomnia is not upsetting, really. I suspect my body is just not tired and the energy this month is a likely contributor as well.

Along with my sleep issues I’ve shifted back into a very balanced and calm state where my mind is more quiet and my mood is stable. I still have upsets here and there, of course, but I don’t tend to dwell on the negative. All in all, I seem to have slipped into a state of acceptance and appreciation for what I have. This I did without really putting forth any effort other than making the decision to stop resisting and surrender.

Work is going well. I am still able to work from home half the week, which is the best part of it by far, and tomorrow is my 1 year work anniversary. Can you believe it? Back in 2016 with all the ascension shifts I was experiencing I purposefully left work and stayed home because of the overwhelm of being around people. It was what was best for me at the time but it felt like I would never be able to confront going back to work. It was just too overwhelming with my sensitivities to energy being as they were. Yet here I am, 1 whole year of working full-time, and handling the transition back into society (lol) like a champ.

It wasn’t/isn’t without struggle, though. I occasionally experience physical pain and ick/sick from others’ energy. I call it “energy sick” for lack of a better description. Normally it happens when someone is talking to me. The only way to describe it is painful, like an energetic dissonance felt within my energy body that can make me feel faint and sick to my stomach. I also have anxiety/panic attacks, though those have decreased tremendously. I have limited my caffeine intake to one cup of half-caffeine coffee a day and cut out alcohol and other crutches that seemed to increase my sensitivity. I have added a more consistent yoga practice, to include Kundalini yoga (when needed), and have been setting personal fitness goals and sticking to them.

Dreams

My dreams lately are pointing at some inner healing work being done. I’ve been seeing a guide that resembles a guide I met a long time ago in an OBE who I believe I called “Chris”. He has dark hair that is around shoulder length, a very prominent nose, and muscular build. His purpose seems to be to counsel me on my avoidance of the Kundalini energy, specifically the intense sexual desire and arousal that can sometimes accompany it. Last night I spoke with him quite a bit in dreamtime about just this topic.

Dream: Hippies

The dream began at a very large estate. I was inside a mansion with my mother who asked me to mow the yard, specifically saying, “It’s time you helped out around here.” I went outside and noticed construction of various pools and concrete paths. I saw how extensive the grounds were and how much mowing it would mean and thought, “How am I suppose to mow all this?” So rather than mowing I followed the pathways as if on an ATV only I was flying close to the ground.

The flying felt amazing and I was yelling in delight as if on a roller coaster. I was also talking to someone as I traveled, commenting on what I was seeing as we approached a sidewalk intersection (lol) that resembled a miniature highway intersection. I slowed as I got to a section where water was flowing across the sidewalk and construction crew in hard hats was busy putting in more sidewalk. I remember asking my friend, “Which way now?” I saw the water flowing under an overpass to my right as I asked, “Straight or right?” At the time I was splashing in the water a bit and wanted to follow the stream as if on a water ride.

We ended up going straight but I do not recall the traveling. Instead I was taken by my friend to an RV. Inside was a group of people who reminded me of hippies from the 60’s a little. My friend was visible – the guide I mentioned above – and he introduced me to the group and asked me if I wanted to stay and smoke a drug of some sort with them. I was hesitant and said, “Oh no. Anything that is smoked in a pipe is going to be too much.” He asked me, “What do you mean?” I replied that the drug would likely bring out parts of me that were not very nice, specifically giving the example of someone who took pleasure in hurting others and causing harm/pain. I gave an example of hurting animals and said, “I don’t like that part of me.” In the dream there was memory of hurting an animal but I cannot recall the specifics of it now, only that it felt good to this part of me and that sickened me.

The drug was brought out and I was participating. I was persuaded to give it a try but I was hesitant. I don’t remember actually smoking the drug. Instead I recall being closer with the group and playing a game of some kind. The game felt conflicted – like good and bad at the same time. What I recall most vividly was that I was being touched as if by many hands. I remember saying to someone, “Don’t do that.” The sense was that if I participated in this “game” that I was being “bad”.

I woke before the feelings manifested completely and my guide was close asking me questions to get me to think about why I reacted the way I did. There was a residual sense of feeling a very strong magnetic attraction but it was faint.

Mini-Dream

The conversation with my guide this morning was short-lived because I was so tired that I shifted into the in-between and lost memory of what was said. I recall having a mini-dream of being in my bed, just waking and groggy, and attempting to put on my contacts while still in bed. There was little light and I dropped the lens. I attempted to find it but couldn’t see well and remember not caring and thinking, “I can just get another one.”

Interpretation

My interpretation of the dream with the gypsies is that I am being asked to participate and do my part. This could be part of my greater mission or just my own path in this lifetime, or both. The sidewalk I travel has to do with my life path but it is a “safe” path, one where I am more confident and sure of my own success. The construction zones are areas where work is being done. The fact that the construction is at an intersection of other paths could indicate a decision is coming where I can go right or straight. My guess is that going right has to do with enjoyment, emotion and intuition since it is related to the flowing water. Straight is continuing on the path I am already on.

The group of hippies in the dream is about a path I would be taking if there were no self-imposed restraints of limitations. It can represent that path I want or desire to take but am not taking for various reasons (fear, uncertainty). The RV has to do with self-confidence and ability to adapt to change. The drug is likely something I see as temptation. Similar to a drug it has consequences, the tendency to bring up in me things I do not wish to confront, specifically dark aspects that I am aware of and do not like. I link this darker side to the positive feelings from the drug.

The mini-dream indicates I recognize that I am choosing not to see. I attempt to see but do not mind when I lose the ability since I can get it back whenever I choose. The groggy feeling indicates unconsciousness or unawareness.

The result of the dreams and conversation with my guide this morning was that I prefer to continue to do this work in my dreams for the time being. However, based upon his insistence I suspect he will not give up anytime soon. It feels like he wants me to face this head on.

 

 

 

 

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Message: The Gambler

I slept long and deep last night. The celebrations and time with family over the holiday have left me tired I guess.

Dream: Tequila and Choice

In this dream I couldn’t sleep and was still awake around 3am or later in the morning. I decided to walk down to a bar and get some tequila. My husband was with me, bought the tequila shot and sat with me as I drank it. I was surprised the place sold me the alcohol. I recall having with me a bottle of tequila, too, and taking liberal swigs of it.

I went home, quite drunk and stumbling. The feeling was very real.

After a while I met up with a young, blonde man and a couple. We drove to a convenience store because it was morning and I wanted to go home with some sweet rolls for the kids. We ended up in the back of the store and the blonde man attempted to put his hands down my pants. I saw the video cameras and told him no even when the other couple destroyed the cameras. The man sulked and so I hugged him and was overcome with desire that I quickly shut off and suppressed. As we left I picked up some sweet rolls and a cup of coffee to take home.

Then I was with my husband, only he looked like my ex, and his brother and SIL. The plan was to go out to bars, mingle and find sexual partners – like swinging. We ended up in this large restaurant-bar that had rows and rows of tables full of people drinking and eating. I remember talking with them about the plan and how it would play out. I was uncomfortable with it because what I was told was that my husband (who still looked like my ex) would find a woman to have on the side but he would stay with me. I told him I wanted no part in it because I saw how he would keep me for the convenience of having sex when he was not with the other woman.

So I walked around the place and watched the other people. I saw a group celebrating. A woman sat next to her son and ordered him something off the menu he didn’t like despite knowing what he did want. He threw a meatball and pouted. I laughed. Next to me sat Jerry Seinfeld. I talked to him, thinking, “Wow!” and even asked if that was his name and he nodded.

As the dream continued I kept watching people as they got more intoxicated. I sat down next to a guy with dark hair who was familiar, a famous actor. I remembered his name and laughed and said, “I’m sitting next to Ray.”

Dream: Circle

In this dream I was at a spiritual circle made up of women, all of them much older than me. The circle was built upon the experiences and channelings of one main woman who then wrote books about each of the ceremonies she conducted to connect with the spirits or aliens who gave her the information. I watched as she explained how there had to be at least three women who acted as moderators for when someone asked a question. These women wore strange, domed hats made out of aluminum that was gold on the top and silver on the bottom. The dome had a small point right over the center of the wearers head.

I watched as the leader began the ceremony. She had in her hand a book that was the 13th in a series of books she had written. I can’t recall the name now but the book was blue and the number very noticeable.

A black woman who had a question waited for the moderators to approve or disapprove it. They said it was approved and she was relieved. She held in her hand a large, flat, black rock and said, “I wanted to know why it has water on it?” I could see that the rock held a small pool of water in its center.

Then I was holding a round object, like a basket only it was domed without an opening. It was made of wool and fibers. The leader lady said it was part of the ceremony. At the center was something important, like a capsule or something. I began to peel away the layers carefully. Some were beaded, some thick like wool. It was as if I was peeling a large, exotic fruit. When I got to the center another scene opened up in the dream and I shifted into it (dream within a dream).

I don’t remember much of this dream now but it was set on my mom’s back porch. It looked brand new, the wood all yellowish and smelling of pine. A man I know was there, much younger than he is today. He was smiling and full of excitement about life. I could feel from him his love of adventure and he was getting ready to set off on a trip. The main memory is of his face and how it glowed. I also remember that he departed on his adventure and left me behind holding two, ten pound dumbbells, one in each hand.

I came back to the scene with the basket/capsule. From the center appeared a small, white lamb, perfect and pure.

Then I was watching the circle again only it was online in a forum. It allowed people to join and ask questions. I asked my question. The answer was provided in images so it is hard to interpret. In the dream it felt like I was told I would be waiting a long time – years. I despaired in the dream because the thought of the wait was like torture to me. I remember choosing to be in a relationship with someone so as to not be alone and to have a companion throughout it. Part of this vision and message reminds me of how I married my ex so that I would not have to wait for “the one” alone (my current husband).

I was back looking at the women in the circle. It was set outside, green fields and tall oaks trees in the background. It made me feel good to be there and I thought that I could pass the time by joining them. But then I noticed how old all the women were – all over 60 at least. I remember thinking, “I’m too young.”

Back looking at the forum I went to my question, clicked on it and deleted it. I remember not liking my answer and feeling hopeless as I left.

Music Message: The Gambler

When I woke the song – The Gambler – was going through my head. Specifically – “You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run.”

Considerations

The sense upon waking was that reunion in this lifetime was unlikely and I told myself to move on and accept it. It is something I have concluded many times before. The song seems to indicate that my choice is similar to gambling. I have to choose wisely after weighing all the facts I have before me. But the song doesn’t tell me what to do really.

The first dream sequence seems to indicate I am looking for respite and I do it through drinking. I want to relieve myself of my current life’s problems. A solution is presented and rejected by me. I find humor in the situation via Seinfeld and a joke I make in the dream about sitting next to a famous person.

The circle seems to be me asking for guidance. I did ask for help before bed. Specifically I asked to get a glimpse of my future. It seems like the dream is warning of lots of waiting and passing time. The number 13 could be bad news, overcoming obstacles, or bad luck.  The lamb could be me wishing to return to the beginning, to innocence and purity. The weights I carry are the burdens of my life. I am left behind because of the path I’ve chosen and ultimately that path is the reason for the wait and delay.

The message I received from the circle seems to be that I will find a way to pass the time. This is likely my current husband, though I did not see who the person was. The age of the women in the circle could be symbolic of how much time will pass. Maybe I will be about 60 before anything shifts. If so, that is a long wait plus I never imagine myself living past 65.

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Lucid Dream: Present Time

Happy 4th of July! I hope you have a great one.

I had an unexpected lucid dream last night/this morning. 🙂

Lucid Dream: Present Time

The dream was not lucid to begin with. The beginning involved a gathering with children, specifically a tiny, black toddler. Mostly I remember sweeping the floor which was covered in sand and watching the baby girl play with a pile of toys.

Then I was talking with someone as I flew over a river that was moving very rapidly to the point of whitewater. I don’t remember what we were talking about but it seemed very serious. I watched as a large, dining table came down the river. The legs were in the air as it smashed up against the rocks and was swept around a bend. Then the same thing seemed to be happening to a black SUV. I watched it come down the river and head toward the same rocks. I flew over to try and stop it but it rolled up onto the rocky shore and then was propelled back into the water. I watched it seem to drive through the rough water, dents in the bumper, and head toward a cliff on the other side. As I focused on the cliff a massive set of double doors appeared and opened up. The SUV floated inside.

This is about the time I became lucid. I flew over to the doors and inside. What I encountered was unexpected. Inside was a vast structure of wooden landings at different levels held up by wooden beams. The doors took me into the very uppermost level. As I floated there I saw the beams and landing levels below me extending farther than the eye could see. Across from me a man sat at a table on one of the landings drinking a beer (or some kind of drink). I asked him, “What is this place?” He replied, “You’re in present time.” I asked again because I didn’t quite understand and he smiled and repeated, “You’re in present time.”

Something about his answer triggered in me a child-like joy and desire to explore. I dove straight down into the beams and levels below.

The next thing I recall is standing on the main floor amidst people going about their business. The space was mostly white and brightly lit. In my memory it feels like an indoor water park or bath house only there were no water slides.

The people walking around were dressed in bright colors and their skin was just as bright as the place. I recognized one lady who was standing along a wall. She had short, pixie cut blonde hair and was very petite. We said hello and as she turned to leave I put my hand on her shoulder and said, “Wait! I know you!” She turned toward me and smiled. I grabbed her hand and kissed her right on the lips. I could feel the kiss very distinctly. As I kissed her I slipped a ring off her finger and put it on my own. After the kiss we parted ways but she stopped me and said, “Aren’t you forgetting something?” She was looking at my hand. I looked down and saw a solitaire diamond ring on my ring finger. I laughed and said, “Oh, I forgot!,” Then slid it off and placed it back on her hand but not before recognizing it was my wedding ring from my current marriage.

I continued to explore the place after that. The whole time I was talking to someone but can’t recall the conversation. I headed toward some double glass doors that led outside. As I walked through them into the sunlight I was greeted by a light rain. There was also a very large swimming pool but I never visited it. Instead I stood in the rain, feeling the coolness of it as it hit my bare skin.

I believe I was asked about myself, or that I at least questioned who I was and my role in life. There was also a question about what I missed or enjoyed most. With that thought/question I felt my son in my arms. Looking down at him I saw him when he was a baby. He was as real as if he was a baby today. The familiar weight of him in my arms, the baby smell and him clinging to me was wonderful. I began to dance with him, holding him out from me and then pulling him close. As I danced I sang a song that in the dream felt like a song I had sung to him a million times, only I have never heard it or sang it to him my knowledge. The only part of it I remember now is this – “I’m gonna love, love, love ya to me….”

I danced with him for a while, singing the song and relishing the time I had with him. It was so very real, as if I had gone back in time and returned to a particular moment or memory.

At some point the memories brought tears. Tears of joy but also tears of sadness at the thought that I would never hold my babies in my arms like that again. They were all grown up. Recognizing how much I missed that caused me to shift back into my body briefly but I returned to the scene quickly.

I was back inside the brightly lit and clean room. Again I was considering the question, “Who am I?” I wandered the place for a while, caught up in my own thoughts and seeing members of my family around me. There is memory of having no clothing and also of heading back toward the pool area. As I went through the glass doors and this time there was no rain, only sunshine. As I stood there I felt as if I was being told, “No”. With this I came back into my body.

When I woke up my eyes were still wet from crying. A song from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood was going through my head:

The most vivid memory from the dream was that of my son. At first I thought it was my youngest but the face I recall was that of my middle child. This photo shows the age he appeared in my dream:

Orrenbaby

My son is 8 years old now and my youngest is 5 years old. So, it’s been a long time since I’ve held my babies in my arms like this. The dream reminded me of what it was like. I didn’t realize how much I missed it.

Interpretation

The river symbolizes uncertainty, upset and troubling times. The state of the water indicates turbulence. The table symbolizes family and togetherness. It is smashed up against the rocks indicating the turbulence and uncertainty has to do with my family. The SUV symbolizes movement and one’s life path as well as the ability to take action or control of a situation.

The lucid portion of the dream seems to be a self-created reality focused upon my questioning of self – specifically “who am I?” The levels are levels of awareness and I go deep, to the bottom, which would be areas that are in my subconscious or past. The pool or bath environment represents healing/cleansing. Then, I encounter a woman with whom I exchange a wedding ring with, a ring that looks identical to my wedding ring in life. I forget about the ring in the dream which could be me reminding myself of my marriage vows. The rain represents emotional purification and natural regeneration. This is followed by memories of holding my son and what it was like. I feel sadness and loss and a desire to go back and relive certain moments.

The song I woke up hearing seems to be sending me a positive message. The main part that repeated was, “I’ll be back, when the day is new, and I’ll have more ideas for you…” It felt like the message was that we are offered a new start with each new day. Change is as simple as that.

Overall, it feels like the dream was helping me to see that I feel a loss of purpose now that my children are older. In the past my time was mostly made up of tending to their needs. Now, not so much and it will only get less as time goes by. It has left a hole in my life that needs to be filled with something new. Yet I feel a loss of self with this transition. I don’t know who I am and don’t know what to do with the added free time. All I’ve known for the past 12 years has been the role of mother. There wasn’t room for much else. Though I am still a mother, always will be, it no longer requires as much of my time and effort. This is a blessing, a nudge to move forward and explore myself.

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Dream: Hitchhiking

Positive dream this morning which came after I asked for assistance. Specifically I asked, “What do I need to do?”

Dream: Hitchhiking 

The dream began with me on the side of a highway in Texas. I had with me all of my clothes in a pile and was trying to put on as much as I could in order to avoid carrying it all. I also had a leather bag or purse.

Someone was with me and I was talking to them as I put on a white, circular skirt. I remember looking at it and thinking it was suited for a much younger person and then shrugged it off and tied it around my waist. It fit perfectly and looked good.

Several times I caught myself with considerations about what people would think of me there on the side of the road with my clothing. I knew what I would think, and it was mostly not good; judgmental.

A woman stopped by and offered me a ride. I agreed and began to grab my things to include a cell phone. I looked for a place to put it and opted to slip it into a pocket in my shirt. I knew it was very fragile and I worried it might fall out and be lost, but let that worry go.

Then I was with the woman riding down the highway only it seemed as if we were on the outside of the vehicle, like in a side car of a motorcycle. I could feel the wind in my hair and the bumps of the road. Yet I knew we had hitched a ride on a big rig.

The woman had with her a little, blonde, crippled boy. I was very curious about him and watched him the remainder of the dream. Somehow I knew he was very special and needed lots of love and attention. At the same time he proved to be quite demanding and spoiled but I didn’t judge him for it.

As we traveled it seemed there were others that came and went. At one point a man’s phone rang and he answered it. It was information about Lamar Blvd and all roads merging into one. I commented that it didn’t surprise me.

Discussion turned to where we were heading. The older lady said she had planned on dropping me off in eastern Tennessee. Pleasantly surprised, I turned to my friend and said, “See! I had no expectation about where I would end up and it turns out I hitch a ride to Tennessee!” I was completely blown away and in awe of the “coincidence” because I had wanted to go there but had long given up on it ever happening. Then I said, “It is so beautiful there….not that the other states aren’t beautiful, too – like Kentucky and Alabama…” For some reason I felt I had accidentally insulted the other “states” by what I said.

Then we stopped at a store. Everyone went inside to use the bathroom and get a bite to eat. I had opted to stay in the truck but at the last minute decided to stretch my legs. I remember asking where the bathroom was and looking into the store from a distance to try and find it. I noticed the women’s and men’s rooms were on opposite sides of the store. I said, “I hope it isn’t very far to walk. I don’t want to accidentally get left behind.”

Inside the store I began to walk toward the bathroom. I could see the sign posted. It was above a brightly lit, yellow hallway. A woman with a tray of cookies stopped me and asked if I would like to try one. I eagerly said, “Yes!”, grabbed a cookie and ate it as if I was starving. Then I turned and saw the handicapped boy was inside the store with a woman. He had a circular, pink cake in his arms and was trying to leave the store without falling down. The only problem was that both his legs were amputated below the knee and he lost his balance and fell. The cake was safe, though, and the woman helped him up and back to the truck.

The last thing I recall about the dream was talking about what I would do when I got to Tennessee. All I had were literally the clothes on my back. I remember saying I could find work and that the people there were all friendly so I knew I would get the help I needed. As I said this I had a visual in my mind of being dropped off by the road, holding all my possessions in my arms and walking into the unknown. The feeling I had was like that of a small child – wide-eyed with no fear.

Interpretation

Overall this dream seems to be a positive one and the feeling I had upon waking was optimistic.

Hitchhiking indicates a message that my success is dependent on the help of others. I can’t make it to my destination without assistance. Throughout the dream I rely on the help of others and end up at the destination I desire. In this case it is a “state” which I suspect is not a physical location but a state of being, though it could be both.

Clothing symbolizes one’s individuality, personality and how others perceive them. In this case I am putting clothes over the top of other clothing. Specifically, a white, circular skirt that seems inappropriate for my age. I recognize my considerations about this – how others might perceive me – and shrug it off. The white skirt is a symbol of femininity and sexuality and can represent taking a trip and following a “call”. White is purity and good intentions. The circular aspect is continuity and the cycle of life/death. All together this indicates to me an acceptance of my feminine side, hope and following that which is calling to me.

The cell phone is communication. I worried I would lose it so I kept it safe and close to me. This could be reassurance from my HS that I will maintain a connection I fear will be lost.

The message about all roads merging into one speaks for itself. In the end we all have the same destination.

The boy in the dream is likely an aspect of myself. He could represent the masculine being disabled in some way or needing special attention.

The semi-truck symbolizes one’s responsibilities in life. The fact that I perceive myself to be outside of it in a side car could indicate that I am able to step back and view my responsibilities and burdens in a new way, perhaps finding my independence.

As the dream progresses I indicate a fear of being “left behind”. I also gobble up a cookie as if I am starving. Cookies symbolize desire.

The boy has with him a bright, pink, circular cake. Cakes symbolize celebration and the sweet things in life. The color pink is symbolic of love. Despite him stumbling he doesn’t drop the cake. His lack of legs indicates lack of knowledge and setbacks that will be overcome.

In the end I see the unknown through new eyes. I have no fear and have faith that all will be provided.

 

 

 

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The Grass is Always Greener

Got lots of extra, much needed sleep this morning. Slept until almost 9am! I was awakened at 6:30am by my kids but managed to fall back to sleep. It was better than average sleep with a vivid dream.

Dream: Trip to China

I suspect the location of this dream came from a movie I watched which was set in China.

The first part of the dream that I remember is seeing a map of Europe and talking about visiting China. I said, “As long as it is warm.” Someone mentioned the southern part as our destination.

Then I was in China with a group of people in a building that I suppose was a school. There was a party going on for my daughter’s class. I went inside and saw all the desks lined up and each had a cupcake on it. Some cupcakes were vanilla and others were chocolate. I remember sitting at one of the front desks watching the end of the party and then turning and seeing a chocolate cupcake on a desk. It was a leftover and I wondered to myself if I should take it. It was like I was asking my daughter a question, like she was me. I answered back to myself, “No. I already have one.” I knew the one I had was vanilla, and I preferred it over the chocolate.

Then I was heading to the hotel. My daughter was no longer with me (not sure she ever was but thinking she was me). I went and checked into my room and there was an encounter with another class of college aged students. I was in front of the class lecturing about math, trigonometry. I remember feeling really excited about the math, like I missed solving equations.

There were only three students, all female, in the class. I knew I was not their regular teacher. He was a black man who had left his cell phone in the room. I picked it up and took it into a room and left it there for him knowing he had forgotten it.

I went outside and walked through the empty streets for a while. It seemed like I had no particular destination, like I was just walking to walk. I was also talking to myself or someone as I walked but I can’t remember what I was talking about now. The streets were unfamiliar but had tall buildings and narrow allies and roads. I recall seeing bricks for the road base.

Eventually I turned around and headed back. I knew there was a party and looked up and saw a line forming up above me a on a ledge. For some reason I had a baby in my hands and lifted him up and set him on the ledge. A person in line grabbed him and held onto him to keep him from falling.

I watched the line for a while. It rarely moved but when it did it was by a large amount of people.

A black man walked up to me and asked me for his phone. I told him I left it in the room and then remembered it was in his pants. I had locked my key in the room so had to go to the desk and ask for another. The man at the desk spoke English and opted to take me up to the room. I remember thinking he must have immigrated to China because he had no accent.

I found the man’s phone in his pants and brought it back down and asked people in line if they had seen him. When I found him I gave him his phone and told him where it had been.

Eventually the line moved and me and the baby, now a young child, went through the check point. We had chips embedded in our ankles that were scanned to let us through. The dream ended there.

Considerations

This is the second dream I’ve had with these symbols in it: traveling, standing in line, baby.

To travel in a dream represents the life path and the goals of life. In one dream I was going to CA and in this one to China. California symbolizes the spiritual, adventure and new prospects. It is more positive than China which represents a period where one lacks enthusiasm and passion for life.

Standing in line represents impatience or that one is waiting for something.

Babies represent innocence and new beginnings as well as new ideas and potential.

The first part of the dream appears to be conversing with myself, like HS with lower self. I have a vanilla cupcake and do not want the chocolate one. Vanilla is warmth and family – which I already have. Chocolate is enjoyment, relaxation and romantic love – which I do not have. This I can relate to because lately I have felt resigned to only the one and feeling that having both is not possible at this time or may never be possible. The dream indicates it is a choice. It is hard to see it that way, though.

The China part of the dream might be further inspection of my state of being at this time. The environment is bleak and dark. The streets are empty. I enjoy solving problems (the math) but communication is problematic (lost cell phone). The black man could represent something unknown about myself in regards to the masculine, or an actual man who is hiding something or mysterious to me. Either way I feel unable to communicate with that aspect. The line represents waiting for something. In this case entry to a party. Parties represent ones ability to enjoy themselves and be social.

The Grass is Always Greener

Overall the dream makes sense to me. I have been asking for assistance from my guidance and the answers I got were:

“The grass is always greener on the other side”. Realization that I need to be happy with what I have right here. Visual of standing on packed dirt and seeing a green field in front of me along with thoughts that the dirt can be nice, too, all I have to do is sweep it smooth. I saw myself sweeping the packed dirt and considering the good aspects of it. Though packed dirt is not comfortable it is soil and can be tilled. Seeds can be planted and tended and new growth can be achieved. I can create my own grass or garden or anything I choose. Or I can continue to sweep packed dirt and do nothing different.

Continued feelings that I am going in a new spiritual direction. Where the last five years have been about ascension and expansion, the coming year(s) are about solidifying my earth experiences, becoming more grounded and changing/Being the change. I continue to get a feeling that it is time to look toward physical life experience and away from spiritual experiences. I am not accepting it well because I do not like the physical experience.

My main concern is that I have no idea what to strive for in the physical. I have no drive or motivation toward anything here; nothing that sparks my interest, brings me excitement or anticipation. To focus on the physical gives me a feeling of loss in general. Plus, I am extremely bored. So, I have asked to be shown what to do next. Maybe an answer will be given, like in the summer of 2018 when I asked for a new career path and it was given. Only this time I don’t even have a specific topic or direction in mind, just that I want to find a spark of interest in life again.

 

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Reassuring Dream

Busy night in dreamtime. Thankfully, the dreams made me feel more positive and calm. Not sure exactly what occurred that produced this response in me but I am thankful.

Dream: Visitor

This dream began in my grandparent’s underground (subconscious) house (self). I was inside the kitchen (spiritual nourishment) and noticed a roach (uncleanliness) on the ceiling. I got out a broom and began to try and hit it so it would fall to the ground. After a few tries I succeeded and it scampered toward the edge of the room to hide. I pursued it and slammed it with the broom, cutting it in half and killing it.

Then I went outside and looked around. It did not look like it does in real life. There was a large field of grass (happiness) that had been baled into hay (happiness/success). Another field next to it was set to be baled later in the summer. How I knew this I’m not sure but I think I was talking to someone.

I flew over the field looking at it and thinking it beautiful. Everything was so green and alive!

Then I was walking with a beloved friend through the field with my dog. He had come to visit and we were talking about random things – personal, every day life things. I remember discussing movies from the 1990’s. At some point he showed me a figurine that looked ancient, carved from wood or bone. It was of a warrior or man and it reminded me of the ancient Maya carvings. FYI: The carving reminds me of a past life I recalled with this person. 

I looked at it and suggested we visit a mound of earth in the distance. Carved into the rock was the same figure. My friend and I walked over it, marveling at how large and detailed it was.

My friend commented about my dog’s personality. I laughed and grabbed his hand. We walked into a structure made of adobe (unity, love) and sat down on a molded earth bench in front of an open window looking out over the fields and hills below. I sat on his left and snuggled into the crook of his arm, laying my head on his shoulder.

I said, “Thank you for coming to see me this week.” He squeezed me closer to him.

There was an unspoken knowing here about his feelings toward me. It was as if everything was explained in an instant. As if we had an entire conversation without words. A conversation where I asked him about some things that were bothering me and he gave me an honest answer. What I had assumed he felt and thought was not correct and it was a relief to know the truth.

He told me that he would be going on a trip with his mother soon. He either said, “in 10 days” or on “July 10th”. With this came an explanation about all that he still had to do and why he saw me so infrequently. I accepted it.

He kissed the top of my head and pulled me closer and said, “I love you.” I smiled and said, “I love you more than you will ever know.” With this I began to feel energy stirring all over my body. It was beautiful and subtle but enough to wake me up. My heart and throat were still tingling with energy when I opened my eyes.

When I woke I knew who it was I was with in the dream. But still I told myself, “I just created him for my dream.” Regardless, I felt really, really calm, reassured and happy.

Dream: Tattooed Man 

This dream began inside an apartment (state of life, emotion, relationship). I had just moved in and noticed repairs had been made to the door. When I asked about it the manager told me that they had to break in to deal with a situation. Turns out the former tenants had left two dogs and several cats inside for a long while. One of the dogs killed and mutilated all but one of the cats. I could see in my mind the destruction – dead and torn apart cats strewn all over the place.

Then I was talking to a man and a woman inside the apartment. They wanted me to participate in a ceremony with them. It was spiritual but also sexual. I remember the man was shirtless and covered in tattoos that made him look eerily like a snake. The woman was short and tiny with brown hair. We discussed the ceremony for a while. I remember him asking me if I saw a squirrel (holding onto things) when I went outside. I said I had seen it in the water nearly drowned (emotion, overwhelmed).

There was a portion of the dream here where I went shopping with the couple. They had a baby (innocence, newness) with them that they had put up on a shelf while they shopped. I was worried it would fall but saw it had been secured and was safe.

We went back to the couple’s apartment for the ceremony. I remember being completely in agreement with it at first. I sat down and had two shots of tequila and then got closer to the tattooed man. As I focused on him my heart lit up with bliss indicating there was a connection between us and I began to see tattoos on my own skin.

I moved away from him, beginning to doubt that the ceremony would be a good idea and started looking at the clock. I wanted to get back to my apartment before my kids realized I was gone. It was 10:30pm.

In my concern about things I asked the man’s address so that if I had to call 911 (fear, concern/worry) I would know what to tell the operator. He said 3033. I looked out the window and saw the parking lot. I knew that people could see inside very easily and would see that I was naked (vulnerability).

Something woke me up at this time. My body was covered in energy, specifically my solar plexus and heart.

The tattooed man reminded me of someone I had seen a long time ago in an OBE. He had the comedy/tragedy tattoo on him and was a doctor. This song was also on my mind, specifically “tattooed all I am, all I see”:

Considerations

The first dream was really nice. I don’t remember many details now but the feeling from it is still with me. As a result I’ve had a good, positive day. It is always nice to wake up from a dream feeling reassured and positive!

The second dream seems to be about my emotional state, my life and relationships, and the Kundalini, at least that is how it feels to me. The apartment incident with the cats and dogs suggests an inner struggle, or maybe even an outer one as well. The struggle caused destruction and the death of the cats. Cats are symbolic of the feminine, independence, and feminine sexuality. The tattooed man and the feelings between us likely represents the Kundalini especially since I remember being hot and cold regarding the “ceremony”. At first I was very interested and then I pulled away. So I tried to take the edge off with alcohol but got scared off again. lol

The Kundalini was definitely active through both dreams but I only remember the tail end of it as I woke. It was nice and soothing, not crazy, intense or sexual.