Category Archives: energy

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A Bad Energy Experience

Here is an experience that illustrates just how important it is that Projectors be selective of whose energy they come into contact with. This is also relevant to any Hermits out there because, similar to Projectors, Hermits can be negatively impacted by spending too much time with the wrong people.

Yesterday my husband and I took a trip to Dallas. The drive went well. We had good conversations and the three hour drive passed quickly. We stopped and had fajitas at a restaurant and by around 8pm arrived at our B&B.

My first impression of the B&B was that it looked nice from the outside. When the hostess greeted us she immediately wanted a hug and her energy seemed desperate for companionship. Her husband was quiet and his energy more stable. The man was 70 and the woman was in her 60s.

When we went inside I was hit by an unpleasant smell. It smelled like old things and old people. The house was full of antiques the host had picked up all over the place. He had done research in order to get a historical marker placed in the front yard and was very proud of his accomplishments. I admit, it was impressive. The house had working lightbulbs from the 1920’s that never burned out, documents and photos of the family who had owned the house, working televisions from 1948 and 1956, old radios, furniture, etc. He was also the curator to the museum in town that had more items and history from the historical family who had previously owned the house.

The wife gave us a tour of the house and our room. It was a small house with three bedrooms and two baths. She bragged that everything was original. The same old lightbulbs were throughout the house (they don’t make much light) as were plumbing fixtures I’d never seen. All the furniture was antique. She also went into depth about their own personal story. She had lots to talk about but really liked to toot her own horn (overly so).

When we finally got to our bedroom I was exhausted. The woman’s energy was difficult to take and I needed to release it. I went outside with my husband to wind down hoping to get some alone time. Within less than 3 minutes the woman was outside and wouldn’t leave, chatting away. Her energy made me anxious. Huge pangs of anxiety hit me in waves and I became nauseous. I was able to get away, saying we were tired from our long drive, but she followed us closely to our room, talking excessively the entire way.

Once in bed trying to sleep I was too awake and stared at the ceiling. I felt a presence to my left and in my mind’s eye saw a woman in a white gown looming over me. She felt somewhat like a guardian but not of me, of the room and maybe even the whole house. She may have been the woman who lived there until her death in the 90’s, the last of five siblings who was linked to the history of the house. I told her to go away, but she didn’t leave. She didn’t feel threatening and kept silent but with all the excess energy I was processing I didn’t want her there next to me.

By midnight my husband had left the room because he knew I was struggling to sleep. He thought it was him but I knew it wasn’t. I kept having waves of anxiety hit me in the chest. They weren’t intense but enough to keep my heart rate elevated in the 80s instead of the 60s where they normally are when I am laying down to sleep. 

I have had this kind of insomnia enough to not struggle against it but accept that sleep will eventually come. It did around 2am and only because I had to lay on my stomach to ease the waves of anxiety. Something about laying on my stomach, guarding my chest, helps calm me.

I woke again at 3 and then had a good stretch of sleep until 6:30 when my husband came in to drop off the blankets and get his running gear for a morning run by a nearby lake. I was out of bed just before 8am after getting 1 hour of additional sleep. 

Zombie-like, I got dressed and stepped outside to get some time in nature. They had lots of chickens and it was a pretty place with good energy (outside). My husband brought me coffee and the host of the house came outside with him. My husband went to take a shower and the host said, “I will join you.” I cringed but said nothing. I had hoped for time alone but what could I do? Be rude?

The host’s energy was more bearable and he wanted to talk about conspiracy theories and Covid (ugh). His wife was from the Ukraine so he talked about how he got her to the US 23yrs ago and also how things were today over there. It was not hard to listen or talk with him. I didn’t feel overwhelmed by his energy. He felt very neutral compared to his wife.

Breakfast was crepes, eggs and tons of fruit. The hostess was very proud of her cooking ability and had bragged about it previously. When she served us she didn’t eat and hovered over the table talking about how wonderful her cooking was. Her energy was unbearable again and I felt nauseous again. My head began to hurt and I thought I would throw up. I had to excuse myself early.

We had an appointment at 10am of which I was very grateful. When we left I tried to sneak out the back but the host and hostess sought me out to bid me farewell. The woman hugged me twice and told me she loved me. I practically ran to the car.

On the drive to our destination I was still feeling unsettled. It wasn’t until I was able to talk about how I was feeling that I felt better. By the time we left, though, I was overly hungry and dehydrated. Once I had a meal I felt somewhat better but wasn’t 100%. Throughout our trip I tried to clear myself of her energy without much success. It was only when I got out in nature that I felt better. This is when I noticed many bumblebees flying about. I took photos and thanked them for their visit.

The most common message of the bumblebee is the achievement of one’s goals through diligent work. When bumblebee visits he reminds you to persevere and have courage on the road ahead.

When I was home and in my own bed I worked on clearing the woman’s energy. It still took me until 11pm to get to sleep, though, despite my excessing tiredness. Thankfully today I do not feel her energy anymore. 

Reflection

When my husband booked the B&B I didn’t like the look or feel of it via the website. When I saw the picture of the hostess I told my husband, “I don’t want to stay there”, but let him book it anyway since he seemed to really want a B&B experience. I shouldn’t have because my intuition was warning me that it wasn’t a place that would be good for me.

I suspect there was a combination of things going on. There was Spirit energy not only from the previous owner but also energy from all the antiques. No telling what all was there! And then the hostess’ energy was unbearable to the point it made me ill. 

My husband liked the B&B and though he noticed the woman’s energy was not bothered by it. He felt she was just overly needy of attention, lonely and desiring acknowledgment of her accomplishments. He also sensed the marriage was not going well based upon the woman’s treatment of her husband. I didn’t notice because I was trying to protect myself from her energy.

The woman was also psychic, though she wouldn’t acknowledge it. She called it “psychology” saying she had learned to read people’s eyes and body language after many years of working with people. She did a mini reading on us not long after we arrived. Mostly she just picked up on my teaching but she got a lot right about my husband (his work and family business mostly). 

To give you an idea of how bad this experience was for me (beyond what I’ve already said) – When I was trying to sleep I had an impulse to get in the car and drive home in the middle of the night. I hate driving at night and wouldn’t dare attempt a 3+ hour drive at night when exhausted. That was how bad the energy of the place felt to me. I will never go back!

So, to anyone who is a sensitive person like myself, stay clear of this place. It is called “Alla’s Historical Bed and Breakfast”.

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Lessons Learned

Things I have learned since my awakening (that stand out to me):

Heart Connections (Twin Flame) are real but they are very misunderstood. There is no guide, book or even illustration that can explain a connection like this. Everyone’s experience is unique. The key to surviving one and moving past it is this: The connection with the other person is an illusion. The real connection is to yourself. If you fall into the trap of attachment to the other person, you will suffer greatly. 

Awakening the Kundalini is not fun. Seeking to awaken it (prematurely, forcing it) will only create more obstacles and potential mental and emotional illness/pain (think along the lines of Kundalini “syndrome”). It is not for the faint of heart. The Kundalini accelerates everything and forces confrontation of that which is deeply hidden and avoided. It strips away the illusion.

ET’s are real. They are telepathic Beings. Telepathy is more than just hearing a voice in your head that isn’t your own. It is the transmission and reception of the entirety of an experience to the extent that each individual experiences what is communicated as if living/experiencing it themselves. As humans, we are unable to even conceive of the magnitude of this as of yet. The compartmentalization of the human mind creates an obstacle to pure telepathy which must be circumvented. Therefore, ET’s tend to use the dreamstate to approach and communicate with humans. The Experiencer returns from the experience unable to relay what happened accurately because humans do not have the right “tools” to do so. In their attempt to communicate their experience they only have human language and limited human experience as their tools. Much is lost in the translation.

Most, if not all, of the information available via the spiritual/metaphysical community is inaccurate, incomplete and/or altered. Why? Re-read the above paragraph. Those who rely on anything but themselves, their intuition and inner Knowing, are perpetuating the misinformation. If you are following someone who has achieved some kind of “higher” status in the metaphysical and spiritual community, beware. The ONLY one you can trust is yourself. Anyone selling that their way/method/technique/information is the best/only/highest should be avoided. This doesn’t mean ignore all the information out there. It means use your inner Knowing to sift through everything you come across in your search. Take what resonates and toss the rest. If you doubt your ability to do this, step back and observe until you are able to recognize your own Knowing. 

The only true path ahead is your own.

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Mexico Trip

Sorry for the long-delayed update.

I returned from Playa del Carmen, Mexico on April 11.

The trip was okay.

Positives: I slept good, my daughter enjoyed herself, we saw beautiful places, there were no major hiccups, and there were some spiritual influences at play which caught my attention here and there.

The negatives: The energy of the group got to me, I didn’t get enough space away from the energy in order to release it, there were two small children crying on and off much of the time and I didn’t feel as safe as I did in Costa Rica.

Overall, the trip would be a 3 out of 5 stars but only because of the company we kept and the length of the trip. I could’ve come home a day earlier and my daughter said this also. 

If I had planned the trip, I would’ve planned to leave later in the day, like noon’ish, rather than go to the airport so early. We had to be there 2 hours before the flight here in the US and 3 hours before in Mexico. Eek! I always have difficulty sleeping the night before a flight, especially if it is an early one. I would’ve chosen a different place to stay – a resort would’ve been my ideal only because they have food, shopping and English speaking assistants to help with transportation and other things. It makes things so much easier and the price is worth it IMO. I didn’t plan the trip, so the above two things were out of my control. A vacation is only a vacation if you can take most of the stress out of it and just enjoy yourself. I stress with too many unknowns, so a resort would’ve helped with that.

Looking back at when I made the decision to go, I realized I didn’t know that my SIL’s, BIL’s sister was going (or didn’t pay attention to that fact). I will never go on a trip with her again, at least not stay at the same B&B. She has the kind of energy where she dominates the others in the group. There is really no way to escape her energy. It is like a vice grip, and for me, who is mostly open (Human Design), I get sucked up into all her definition and there is no navigating out of it. The experience of being around her all the time was tough. I was either emotional, quiet and subdued or trying to find a place to retreat to. At times, I spoke up without being invited and felt her response and it was too much. I ended up crying in my room more than once. By the end, I chose not to participate in the last activity in order to get the reprieve I needed. Thankfully, my daughter agreed with me and didn’t insist we go.

There was a point in the trip where I felt it would’ve been better had I not gone, mainly because it felt like my input and presence was unwanted. It was a big trigger but I realized it was my tendency to give input when not invited that created this effect. When I was quiet and subdued everything was much better but I was always left feeling like the third wheel and unable to change aspects of the trip that didn’t feel good for me. The only option was to not participate or plan something on my own. I tried to do the latter but I couldn’t find a trip that would take just one person and my daughter didn’t want to go with me. She wanted to just stay in the condo. 

My SIL’s friend/family had her own issues that she made sure to talk about frequently. Her daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes last year at the age of 10. It was clear to me that even though this new development was negative in so many ways and she was obviously not happy about it, the challenge was something that brought meaning to her life. I could clearly see how she had agreed to it, probably in order to bring purpose into her life. Her daughter would’ve also had to agree, so maybe a karmic contract?  Of course, I said nothing to her, just observed the fact that she seemed to really enjoy the challenge of the health issue (talking about it frequently) and the purpose it brought her. 

Spiritual Experiences

While the energy of the place wasn’t immediately apparent to me, some things I did notice. For example, I had various vivid dreams, some emotional. My emotions in general were high, though. I didn’t write any of the dreams down, just took note the next morning. It felt almost like full moon energy.

The day we went to Garden of Eden Cenote was the most spiritual day for me. The day was rainy and cloudy so it wasn’t crowded. As we walked up to the cenote I had a strong dejavu experience that was so noticeable I spoke about it to my daughter. Just a moment later the manager greeted us and began his speech about the cenote. I said, “Hola!” as I walked up and he stopped mid-sentence and looked at me very closely, saying, “Do I know you? You look familiar.” I paused, as I had not considered it when I greeted him but then did seem to recognize something in him. I said, “No, but you look familiar.” Not long after he mentioned Costa Rica and said to me, “Pura Vida!” I laughed, thinking it odd he would mention Costa Rica. 

Secluded area, Garden of Eden Cenote

After he was done talking I saw him around here and there and learned he was born in L.A. and lived there until he was nine when his parents brought him to Mexico to live. He took his job at the cenote very seriously, treating it as an extension of himself. I didn’t talk to him one-on-one but watched from a distance wondering if perhaps I had met him in dreamtime (I think had I brought up the astral he would’ve known what I was talking about). Later I mentioned a secluded area I enjoyed, calling it my favorite place, and he said it was his favorite place, too. Though he didn’t say, I knew he liked it because of its energy. I now wish I had spoken to him about it in private but the timing was not right. My group members would’ve been uncomfortable had I mentioned energy or anything related.

Other than some dreams and the one experience above, I was just very emotional. I am going to blame all the new energy I was constantly around on my inability to get space when I needed it. The good thing is I had my own bedroom I could retreat to. Had I not had that I would’ve really struggled.

Pictures

Here are a few pictures from the trip.

On day one we visited the Tulum Ruins, went snorkeling and then swam in a cave (yep!). The next day we went to the cenote (sinkhole) and the day after that we enjoyed the beach and the rooftop swimming pool. The rest of the trip was beach, shopping, dining, etc. My daughter and I did not go to Xcarat with the rest of the group on the last day of the trip. We were both sunburned, my daughter more than I, and preferred to rest the day before our flight home.

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Kundalini Dream: Blue Triangle

I’ve been sleeping deeply and having lots of dreams the last few days. Most haven’t been too interesting but last night the Kundalini was present. It wasn’t typical but the energy was present none-the-less.

K Dream – Blue Triangle

I was with a group of others. We were all youngish (20’s maybe) and seemed to either be in water or floating in a bluish colored space. I remember some other info but it is random faces and conversations that don’t make much sense. 

What I recall most vividly is lining myself up horizontally with my feet pointed towards the front of the space where a man was standing and facing to my left with both his arms outstretched. As I floated there, the man initiated an electrical current that looked blue as it shot out of his arms and hands. Like lightning, it moved towards another person (a man I think) who was horizontal and facing me. Within a few seconds the current went through the second man and hit me, entering via the head and moving through to my feet. The energy exited my toes and completed the circuit into the man who initiated it. 

I distinctly recall the way the energy felt when it hit me and traveled through me. The initial sensation was like I had been mildly shocked and my whole body arched upward slightly. As it moved through me I could feel a distinct difference between the left and right sides of my body. The left side was a solid, uninterrupted flow of energy that felt comfortable and somewhat rejuvenating. There was no disturbances in the flow to the point that it seemed like my head, body and feet were indistinguishable as separate parts. On the right side of my body, on the other hand, there was an interruption of the flow in my legs which felt uncomfortable but not painful. The energy was intermittent and pulsed and with each pulse it was like the initial shock and caused my right leg to flinch.

When the current was cut off, everyone in the room was excited and applauded. I felt extremely accomplished and talked to a woman who had been with me the entire time. She asked me about my experience and I told her about the energy differences I sensed. I was proud that my body cooperated and told her had it not been for the left side of my body being a perfect conduit, the consistent flow would’ve stopped with me. 

The triangle of energy that we formed together was beautiful – a magnificent, electrical blue. The feeling I had was satisfaction. 

As the group mingled, there was an air of anticipation and excitement. It felt like, as a group, we had been working hard and had made great progress. We were all looking forward to what came next. I had a brown bag in my hands that was filled with fresh baked breads like bagels and mini-loaves. The woman asked, “Is that a homemade bagel?” I said, “Yes it is.” She asked, “Can I have one?” I handed it to her and she accepted it and took a big bite.

When we were leaving I was talking to the woman about the next time we would connect and said, “I want to be the one who initiates”. In my mind I remembered how the man initiated the flow of energy. I really desired doing what he did.

Considerations

The dream ended and I woke up briefly. No energy remained but the visuals of the energy flow were fresh on my mind as was the memory of how the energy felt when it flowed through me. I don’t know why it didn’t wake me because it was quite strong. 

Overall, the dream feels positive. I can relate to my right side being a bit less “conductive” and it is promising that the energy made it all the way to my legs before being interrupted. So, I am feeling reassured. Whatever the K has cleared, it is much more than I thought.

The bagel at the end is symbolic of various things. To just have a bagel symbolizes good times ahead after a period of struggle. To give a bagel to someone indicates a friend may need my help or to offer assistance to another. Seeing someone else eat a bagel symbolizes loneliness. 

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Spirit Visits, Lucid Dreams, Remote Viewing and Kundalini

I’ve been having some unusual experiences, incidents that I haven’t had in many, many years. It’s as if my spiritual abilities, seemingly dormant for years, are waking up again.

For example, I’ve had Spirit visit me quite a bit this week. First, my husband’s ex boss told me, “I love you” out of the blue and soon after I dreamed of his wife, also deceased. Then a coworker’s family member in Spirit visited me and let me know she was assisting his recently deceased grandmother. I knew she was the deceased’s daughter (his aunt). She wanted me to tell him, to bring it up and ease his mind, and I replied back, “What do you want me to do? Just go up to him and say, ‘By the way, I talk to dead people and your grandmother’s daughter is assisting her?’ LOL I think that was the day of the funeral, too.

There have been other weird things. Just two nights ago I was checking on my son and I heard, quite clearly, my husband’s voice saying something he often says when playing with our boys. The thing is, he is in California on business. It was midnight and no one was awake but I did check to make sure a video wasn’t playing somewhere. Nothing. It freaked me out. My husband is traveling in very snowy conditions so at first I worried he was in trouble. Eventually, though, I concluded I had picked up on a “imprint”. An imprint is like a “stamp” on the environment caused by high emotion, often repeated over time. Imprints have no life of their own but are often confused as ghosts. In this case, it was a positive imprint.

I later confirmed my husband is in fact okay. 😉

Along with all of the above, I keep seeing things that are not there (or at least not in this reality). Usually I think I see one of my children and even say things to them only to find there is no one there. One time I thought I saw my deceased dog, Trooper!

Then there are the dream experiences. So many dreams! Last night was no exception but had an added twist.

Lucid Dream: Mosquito House

I entered into the dream scene. I was going to visit a family who are connected to my husband in real life. It was very dark as I flew towards my destination. Someone was telling me about the house ahead. It was just the outer parts, no insides, with a good, solid door. I asked why anyone would build a home like this and was told it was to “keep out the mosquitoes”.

Ahead I saw the house. It was one story, brick and had a full sized garage. I could also see inside, as if I had x-ray vision, and it was indeed completely empty.

I shifted into the house with just a thought. Inside it was very hard to see but I could make out the members of the family. I don’t recall interacting with them, just watching and talking about them with my companion (guide). The family is an odd sort in real life. They have opted to live out in the middle of nowhere New Mexico, off the grid, with no indoor plumbing. Their kids are homeschooled. Funny enough, they do use devices. The wife has an online business and the kids use computers for school. The husband does odd jobs in construction and slowly pieced together their home on his parent’s land.

I remember commenting to my companion how everything (the house, the scene) fit the family perfectly based upon what I know about them.  

As I walked through the empty space chatting with my companion, I recall being bitten over and over by mosquitoes (minor annoyances) and thinking the house wasn’t working to keep them out. I asked my companion about this and he said they weren’t bothering him and to ignore them. It was at this point that I became lucid, pulling my blankets, both physically and in the dream, over my head to keep the mosquitoes off me. 

No longer interested in the family or the house, I walked towards the entrance to leave. There were various aquariums set up near the door. They were lit up and I could see the fish inside. I remember pulling them over, one by one, just for fun because it was not something I would do in real life. The room slowly began to fill with water and I laughed as I splashed and dove into the water, swimming with the fish.

The water level got so high it spilled out through the window and I went with it. I could see the night sky and burst up into it in full flight, soaring as high as I could go, feeling absolutely free.

Lucid Dream: Slingshot Powerlines

I returned to my body several times and then went back into lucid dreams. I was heavy with sleep and energy, so it was difficult to gain full control of the dreams when I returned. I seemed happy to follow along for the most part but would get bored and leave the dream to explore. This is what happened in this dream.

I was in a warehouse in an Asian country and knew I had sent gifts to people there. I flew into a room and landed in front of an Asian couple who had received their gift. As they opened it they asked me if they could keep the items inside. I said yes, of course, but they hesitated in disbelief because one was a very expensive wi-fi speaker. 

I lingered around, flying through the warehouse. Like in my last dream, I could see through the outer walls and into the spaces just with a thought. It looked like a factory and it didn’t take long for me to grow bored of the place. Like in the other dream, everything was dark but in this one I could see well.

In my boredom, I went to explore. I flew out a window and up into the sky but got caught in some powerlines. There were rows and rows of them and they were not letting me pass. I got the idea to use them as a slingshot and positioned myself on top of them. With my mind, I pulled myself back and the powerlines acted like rubber bands. I pulled myself back several times until I knew I had enough distance to sling myself really far.

After three or so times of stretching the lines to their limit, I let go and was propelled into the sky and up into space. It was thrilling and I didn’t close my eyes or get afraid like I often do when I head into space. What I recall the most is the exhilaration of moving at such a high speed while watching the stars the entire time. They didn’t streak or change shape. They just shone brilliantly and brightly. All of the sensations became so real that I shifted back into my body, still feeling as if I was moving.

Kundalini

When I returned to my body I was covered in energy and it was difficult to not be lulled back into dreamtime by it. The energy was most noticeable in my solar plexus. It felt like a tube of energy going completely through me right below my ribcage. As I lingered in the amazing comfort of it, I had the visual of a bright light shooting out of my midsection like a spotlight. 

I focused on my breathing to just enjoy the experience but would instantly shift elsewhere. I had to fight to stay in my body and was conversing with my guide the whole time. I had instances where I knew I was seeing other people’s experiences but I didn’t know if they were other people’s dreams or just snapshots of their waking lives. 

In one instance I know I saw a little girl in the hospital receiving treatment for cancer. I witnessed the doctor reading through her medical notes and was able to see them clearly and read through them. All I remember now, despite repeating what I read to myself over and over, was that she had cancer and she was 9 years old. The other instances I saw are a blur to me now, but were similar, as if I were hovering in the corner of the room spying on people.

I fought this. I wanted to be present in my body, but it was not happening. Instead it seemed I was in full remote viewing mode and I began to realize this most acutely when I flew through my own house inspecting various objects and my own children sleeping in their beds. I remember thinking, “If only I had someone to confirm what I am seeing.”

The remote viewing came as a result of what I was talking with my guide about. He was asking me what I would like to do. It was clear that for some reason I was being given the opportunity to utilize my astral body to do things I normally would not. I couldn’t think of anything I was interested in doing. I remember replying, “I want to feel the Kundalini.” My guide laughed and said, “You are.” I realized then that he was correct. I just wasn’t feeling the Kundalini as intensely as I had hoped (as in up through my crown full rising). So, I told him, “I want to help people.” In response, the energy in my solar plexus intensified and other areas responded in kind – my chest and my head especially. I felt like my entire Being was a blazing Light.

The feeling of being this Light was comforting and I kept being carried away by it into remote viewing mode (or something like it). Even when I changed positions in bed the energy kept blazing through me and I would shift OOB so frequently that I began to lose track of whether I was in physical reality or elsewhere. The cool part is that I shifted out of my body via the center of my body. So, I had no racing heart or other bothersome sensations. The sensation of it was awesome. So fluid and natural.

One vivid recollection is of talking to my ex-husband for a moment. He was laying on his back looking up at me. He seemed quite young but he was full of regret and sadness. Though we didn’t speak aloud about what was bothering him, I knew why he was sad and why I was there. I said to him, “I did love you, just not as much as you loved me and I’m sorry for that.” I could feel his anguish and knew that his past with me still haunted him sometimes. When I told him “I did love you” I could sense his questioning. He didn’t understand why I would leave and wondered what he did wrong, and that was what kept him bound to the past. 

Despite the amazing energy and wanting to linger in it for the rest of the day, I made myself get up. When I stood up, my body felt oddly limber and refreshed. I felt wonderful!

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Lucid Dream: Build Something

Woke around 6am. A major thunderstorm with thunder that shook the house, bright lightning and intense rain woke me. Somehow I was able to ignore it and go back to sleep.

Lucid Dream: Plum Tree

I was in a small house in a living room. It was very dimly lit but I could make out the furniture and who was there with me. On a sofa sat my BIL and SIL and my SIL’s mother who passed some time ago from cancer. The older woman was passed out while the other two were sitting quietly together. 

The old woman woke up and said, “I need a cup of coffee (awareness).” She got up and left to get it. I laughed, remembering how this woman use to always have a cup of coffee with her – and a cigarette. Flashes of memory came to me and I wondered briefly if this habit of hers was what led to her death. Probably. I also recognized that coffee = awareness.

I spoke to my BIL and SIL, telling them what I just witnessed. I said, “Remember the old sofa in the living room? The pink one? That was the one she use to sit in all the time. Remember?” They seemed not to even notice me, what I was saying, or that the woman had been there. I tried to get them to look around and be more aware but they just stared, faced blank. 

I walked toward the front door saying aloud, “I know. You’re asleep and have no idea you’re dreaming.” When I said this I became very lucid, instantly knowing I was in a dream.

The front door was beckoning to me. I could see rays of light coming through the cracks in the door. I opened it as my SIL, who was now my older sister, came up to me and said, “I’m not dreaming.” I looked at her, barely noticing the shift in personas and said, motioning to the open door, “Look! It’s light out. Let’s go outside.”

Outside was a huge tree, branches heavy with mango-sized, purple fruits. The trees branches were so heavy they nearly touched the ground. I reached up and touched one. I thought of it as a “plum” (youth, vitality, strength). It was very ripe. My sister grabbed one immediately, plucking it from the tree and holding it in her hand. I saw it was a bit overripe, its skin wrinkled like a raisin (loss of youth and vitality). I said something about finding a better one and began to look. The branches moved higher and I couldn’t reach most of the fruit. Finally, I grabbed one and picked it. It was smaller than the others but perfectly ripe. Someone (my sister?) asked me if I knew how to eat it. I inspected the dark purple flesh and said, “Yes.” I thought of peeling away the skin but never took a bite because a sudden wave of energy wrapped itself around me, pulling me to my sleeping body.

Note: A few days ago while I was working from home, I heard someone in Spirit say, “I love you.” I stopped and listened, feeling a warm energy in my spine. I asked, “Who is this?” I heard back the name of my husband’s old boss. The reason this is relevant is because the woman in the above dream was his wife. At the time I wondered, “Why would he say that to me?” I realize now it is because, though he didn’t seem to in life, he does love me.

Lucid Dream: Build Something

When I returned to my body I easily transitioned back to the dreamstate, this time fully lucid. At first I wasn’t sure I was in a dream it felt so real and purposefully returned to my body to test whether I was asleep or not. The energy that resulted confirmed I was indeed asleep. I could feel my physical body. I “touched” my body briefly and then shifted my awareness back to the dreamstate.

I found myself in my mom’s kitchen, a place I often end up when I go OOB or have lucid dreams. The first parts of the lucid experience are lost to me now, probably because I spent them going back and forth between my body and the dream. I shifted at least three times. I don’t know why I did this, really. At times it seemed like I was purposefully pulling myself back and then another “force” would return me back to the lucid dream. Moments would pass and this would occur again, as if I was playing tug-o-war with myself. lol

Finally staying in the dream, I stood in front of the backdoor that leads to the porch and the pool area. Like in the previous dream, it was very dimly lit and hard to see yet there were beams of light streaming through the closed door inviting me to open it. 

As I opened the door I remember thinking, “I’m going to see it when it was a room and not a porch.” Memories of the room were on my mind along with the timeframe which was the late 90’s when my ex-husband rented the room for a while. 

Sure enough, when I opened the door the old room came into view just as I remembered it. The light was very dim, though, so all I could see were shadows of it. I remembering knowing the dim light was because I didn’t trust my memory.

A familiar ball of energy approached me and I instantly knew it was my deceased dog, Trooper. Thrilled, I reached down and petted him, enjoying his energy and pleased to know he was happy. He circled me energetically and I remember calling him by name. It was hard to see my old friend clearly, which I really wanted. I said something to try and bring light to the room but it never appeared. This perplexed me.

Suddenly, a man appeared, walking right through the closed back door to the room. I couldn’t make out his features at all but I knew he was male. He seemed to flow as if he were made of energy; not solid at all yet solid at times. If I hadn’t been aware that I was dreaming, I would’ve thought him a ghost. He stopped about two feet in front of me, and said, “Come with me. I want to show you something.” 

I desperately wanted to make out his features but couldn’t. In my memory his face looks like a blur. I just know he had short, brown hair.

The man turned and exited the door, which was now wide open. Brilliant light poured in through the opening making the dimly lit room where I stood seem all the darker. I didn’t hesitate to follow the man into the light. Trooper flew out the door ahead of me, running around the yard excitedly. As I walked down the steps I called him, “Monty”, which is my current dog’s name. I corrected myself in my mind, saying, “No, Trooper”, noting that, to me, their energy was similar and so the “mistake” was understandable.

The man had disappeared around the corner but I somehow knew he was over by the pool. When I looked, sure enough he was standing at a table by the lounge chairs. I walked up to him and he smiled, more solid now and easier to track. He stood over a table that was covered with random objects – square sheets of shiny metal lay in a pile. He held one up to me and motioned down at the other items on the table. I could see white plastic items alongside bolts, screws and other supplies. The metal he held in his hand was very thin but extremely shiny. It confused me, though, and I wondered what the man was up to.

He took a bowl in his hand and walked to the edge of the pool. He tossed small, white pellets into the pool. I thought, “Chlorine” (clarity). The man turned and walked back to the table, looking at me expectantly. What did he want?

I hesitated and stared at the man and the scene. Who was he? I suspected if I got closer that I would experience an energetic attraction to him. I didn’t feel anything off the man but I sensed he was “tempting” me. I don’t know if it was with his energy, the items, or both. Or perhaps I was sensing his call – an “invitation”? 

There was a knowing that if I stood there focusing too long, I would return to my body. Part of me wanted this, though. I wanted to run away.

The man, still holding the metal sheet in his hands, held the metal out to me and asked, “Want to build something [with me]?” 

That was it. I was outta there. LOL

Conversation

When I returned to my body it was with effort because there was a pull to return to the dream. Somehow I won out and stayed put but the man in the dream remained in my peripheral. Was he a guide? His energy was not threatening. If anything he felt amused.

I found myself in the in-between seated at the table by the pool. The items were all gone but the man stood across from me. Again he was difficult to make out; a ghost. 

The man said to me, “You came here for a reason.” The feeling I got from him came with memory, memory that was overwhelmingly hard to resist, but I rejected it. I replied that it felt like I was done, that there was nothing left for me to do here anymore.

Memory came of something that happened a couple of nights ago while I was at our company Christmas party. An employee who had been taking care of his grandmother was present at the party. Surprised to see him, I asked him how she was. He said she had died. His answer had the effect of immediate sadness in me and my heart began to hurt. I tried to hold back my tears but they escaped despite my efforts. He was very straight faced and seemingly unaffected but I knew he was in pain. He told me that he would grieve later, that life must go on. I wiped the corners of my eyes but could feel my face getting hotter. This always happens when I get emotional.  

The memory seemed significant. I wondered briefly if the meditation I’d been doing had succeeded in opening my heart.

Pulled back to the conversation, I asked this “guide” what he meant when he asked me “want to build something?” The response he gave was received as if my own thought. He was asking me to “create” what I want in life, but also to allow the creative energy to flow and be who I am meant to be. He was telling me he would help me. 

I told him I feel “dead” and wish only to feel “alive” again but I don’t know how. I heard the word “build” while he said aloud, “Let the pieces show you what they want to become.” I saw the pieces on the table floating up and coming together as he said this. I understood. 

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Microcosmic Orbit Experience: Exercise #2

I did exercise 2, Harvesting Yang, of the Microcosmic Orbit class last night. It lasts only 20 minutes and should be practiced when the foundational exercise (#1) is mastered. 

I probably should have just listened to this exercise rather than trying it for myself since I have not yet mastered exercise #1. Thankfully, the exercise was easy and I didn’t have any issues. I was unable to feel much energy in the perineum and the part about pulling energy up in little bits did not seem to be working at first. Then, I noticed that, when I breathed in and pulled up ever so slightly, I could feel energy move up over the front of my pubic bone and into my erogenous zone. It was very slight as if teasing me. It didn’t get strong, thankfully, so I just noticed and it soon passed.

The facilitator of the exercise warned in exercise #1 that the energy of the root/perineum can sometimes create arousal and be highly erotic. He says the reason for this is conscious or unconscious intention over time. So, again, a conditioned response but one that can be corrected. I am happy that my response was not so sexual as to be distracting. I have felt the erotic feeling in the past and it is difficult to ignore!

Eventually, I could feel energy trickling up into my heart which wasn’t suppose to happen so I had to stop, focus on breathing deeper, root the breath, and begin again. 

When it was over, I did a regular meditation for about 15 minutes and went to bed.

About two hours after going to sleep I was awakened by a pressure at the base of my spine. It was highly uncomfortable! Ouch!! Not only did it feel similar to needing to have a bowel movement, it was painful to the point that it was concerning me. The only other time I’ve felt pressure and discomfort in this area was after a strenuous run where I became overly dehydrated. I imagine the feeling might be similar to what someone would feel after being violated via the anus! 

After a few minutes of discomfort and trying, unsuccessfully, to extinguish it, I asked my guidance for help. I immediately received back a visual of myself on the floor in bridge pose. Wasting no time, I got out of bed and got down on the floor. Before getting into bridge pose, I pulled one knee into my chest and then the other, breathing deeply. Afterward, I got into bridge pose and held it for a few breaths. Almost immediately the pressure went away! When the feeling was completely gone, I got back into bed. Unfortunately, the feeling returned but with less intensity, so I resume bridge pose while in bed and it went away again. I fell asleep soon after and when I awoke there was no discomfort in the area. 

Though I can’t be certain, the pain at the base of my spine may have been brought on by doing exercise #2 before I was ready. IDK for sure, though.

I researched bridge pose to see if it was helpful in balancing the root chakra. It came up as the #1 yoga pose for releasing excess energy from the root chakra! Ha! The next pose on the list was the one I did before bridge – pulling each knee into the chest. 🙂

So, the next night (last night) I repeated exercise #1. This time the energy was much less obvious in the areas of focus, especially in the abdominal area. Again, keeping my attention on the areas was a struggle. I kept losing attention and would have to self-correct whenever this happened. It was less than the first time, which is good, but I still have a ways to go. I was able to focus attention on the perineum and feel the energy there, which was almost imperceptible. The cool thing was that I was able to feel all of the areas together as one mass of subtle energy. I plan to keep practicing exercise #1 until I can maintain consistent attention without drifting off and feel the warmth of the perineum.

The ideal times to practice these exercises are: 1. Around sunrise (5-7am), 2. Around sunset (5-7pm), and 3. at midnight on the full moon. This is impractical for me because of my schedule. My kids are up and making noise at sunrise and sunset (dinner time is at sunset). Midnight is doable but being it is so late I will probably fall asleep. lol Thankfully, these exercises can be done at any time, but if done during one of the recommended times the environment will assist.

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Microcosmic Orbit Exercises

Yesterday, while searching Kundalini forums, I found a link to a free Microcosmic Orbit online class. I immediately checked it out since I it was something that I was previously led to try.

At first I thought the whole thing was free, but turns out the only links that work are the ones to the videos. So, I searched more of the website and found the published books, selecting one specifically for women. I have yet to purchase it but probably will as it interests me.

This is an article that gives a synopsis of what is in the book,  Women’s Nei Gong

It is recommended to practice each of the videos in order. So, last night I listened to the first video as part of my nightly meditation, Anchoring the Breath

My experience was quite unexpected, indicating, to me at least, a readiness for it. 

It took me about an hour to complete the Anchoring the Breath exercise. I sat upright in bed and followed the instructions. It was easy for me to get into the exercise, most likely because of my recent, consistent Pranayama meditation practice. 

1. It was quite energetically obvious when I focused on the areas of my body as instructed in the video. The areas became energetically stimulated, subtly vibrating. As I settled my awareness on more areas, the vibrating area expanded. I began to feel the “energy helmet” sensation I’ve experienced numerous times in my life but it expanded downward as my attention went to other areas of my body. 

2. Attention versus intention is discussed in the video. Intention directs the energy in a certain way and can create negative effects (the teacher says “always” creates negative results) because it is directed by the mind. Attention is passive, allowing the energy to do what is needed for the body, which is always positive. If you have too little attention, however, you can end up going into the imagination and on into the dream state, which is what happened to me numerous times. I would find myself startled back to attention by my body slumping forward or sideways. In fact, I completely missed the final body part focus (the perineum) because my mind wandered. I only came out of my reverie about 15 minutes after the exercise concluded. So, it may be helpful for me to do this exercise at an earlier time, rather than at bedtime! lol

3. I found some of the information provided quite interesting, specifically the part about recognizing restriction in breathing, tightness in the chest, or dryness in the throat among other “symptoms” during the exercise. The teacher indicated that these irregularities exist as the result of subconscious intention in the past. To me, this translated as “blocks” created by thought patterns or habits. In other words, conditioning. I noticed a very slight tightness in my chest area and some breathing irregularities. I don’t recall any other indicators elsewhere but then my mind kept wandering!

4. The area that was the most energetic was my stomach area (the 2nd and 3rd chakra areas). I could not, no matter how I focused, get the energy to be consistent between all areas of focus. My stomach area would distract me because of how much energy was there compared to the other areas – massive amounts! I am not sure if I’m suppose to feel a consistent line from head to perineum, but if so, that was not evident because of how strong the energy was in my stomach region. Interestingly, this area is known as the lower Dan Tien, and from my limited research, my experience of strong energy there indicates that I am storing the majority of my energy in this area, which is exactly how it should be. What is the Dan Tien?

Overall, I am thrilled by the results of this exercise and will most definitely be doing the next practice tonight, but earlier so that I can keep attention and not drift off into other realms. 

Presently, we are having all the windows in our house replaced over the next three weekdays. In preparation, we have to remove furniture from around the windows. My husband has a huge desk that he wants to get rid of which is located directly in front of one of the windows. He wants to replace it with another desk. I am going to give him mine, which is newer and smaller. I will not be replacing it with another desk but using the space for meditation and yoga (and maybe Qigong). My 12+ year old computer is going into retirement.

With the new space I will be able to meditate seated on the floor rather than in my bed, so I will be less likely to fall asleep. I’m looking forward to completing my sacred space and settling into the energy it provides. I will periodically post updates about my experiences with the Microcosmic Orbit exercises.

~Namaste

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Kundalini Dream, OBE, and Message

Happy Halloween! I hear the energies are intense today – solar flares? The only evidence I have of this intensity is from dreamtime. Happy to share. 🙂

Kundalini Dream: 1 Year

I was in a familiar dream location. It consisted of two home about 100 feet apart connected by a narrow walkway. The homes were round, hut-like buildings with thatched roofs, small windows and stone flooring. I only recall snippets of the other dreams I’ve had there, but apparently it is a place I frequent at times. 

Inside the hut on the left was myself and two others, a man and a woman. I felt like their child and the woman was talking to me about preparations. The specifics of these preparations are lost to me except for the symbolism, which, to me, is pretty obvious. The man stepped forward and it was clear to me that he and I were to be “paired”. Uncertain, I questioned the pairing because I knew this man was my “uncle”. The woman explained that it was time and urged me to accept, which I finally did. I recall her encouraging me to go with the man whose hand was held out to me. Though I don’t remember the man’s appearance specifically, he was wearing a long, tan robe with a thick, colored sash at his waist. I took his hand but hesitated, looking around me as my lucidity began to increase.

The woman was insistent. She physically pushed me forward toward the man and said, “We must hurry. The entire process is a long one. It will take a year before any eggs are produced.” It was odd to hear the word “egg”. In that moment, I saw a bunch of chickens pecking around at my feet and wondered if I was one since how else would I become a producer of “eggs”? 

The man’s hand in my own and my decision clear, I went with him. I could feel his hand in my own and a familiar, strong energy began to swirl in my root chakra. The upward pull of the desire that was kindled there woke me and as I lingered in bed, the energy remained creating an ache within to go “up, up, up!”

Symbolism

I sat with the energy as the dream symbolism became clearer. Two circular huts = masculine and feminine. Man and woman = masculine and feminine. Uncle = soul family. The pairing = Union. Eggs = new, unhatched potential; the energy of life. Chicken = cowardice (mine lol). 

The energy continued to linger in my root. It was not the strongest I’ve ever felt but it was quite distracting. The energy was moving up but very sluggishly. Eventually I decided to position myself flat on my back with a pillow over my head and my arms crossed over the top of the pillow. Rather than focus on the energy, making it stronger and more unbearable, I relaxed into it. The energy moved up easily to my heart and a warmth spread out from there. 

Recalling how at other times I needed a catalyst to get the energy moving, I started thinking of those times, hoping to be assisted in a similar way. A male voice from my right indicated that though that was one way, there was another. The male voice then asked me if I wanted to learn/experience more. I recall asking for protection, shielding my aura just in case. The last thing I remember was hearing some instructions (can’t recall the specifics) and affirming that I wanted to proceed. 

Lucid to OBE: Soaring Free 

To my surprise, I ended up in a lucid dream. I was inside my old bedroom at my mom’s house and two of my children were with me. I sat on the bed and my two children were on either side of me. We all had laptops and mine indicated a message was received. When I went to check, I read a message from someone I did not know but who wanted to connect with me. There was a name that started with an “A”
but other than that I just know he was indicating that he wanted to get to know me. I remember almost becoming fully lucid here because I knew that I had not received any emails in real time but tossing the idea of dreaming because it felt “so real.”

I clicked on a link and a video popped up on a huge screen in front of my face. Surprised, I turned to my daughter to see if she noticed, but she didn’t. The video was of an older man and a younger one – father and son. The younger one was making a music video and the father was producing it. Both men had dark hair but other than that I can’t recall what they looked like. There was lots of dancing and I recall being pulled into the video for a short time.

When I came back out of the video, my vision had gone completely dark and I knew I was dreaming. I moved out of the bedroom towards the front door, put my hand on the knob and opened it. Outside my vision started to gradually turn on. The entire front area was a cast in reddish shadows and I remember wanting it to be daylight and knowing just my desire for the light would bring it. Sure enough, the light came and fully illuminated the space.

I took flight immediately, singing as I flew, going up to just above the tops of the trees. I flew up to the main road and saw below me a truck pulling a wheel barrow. I yelled down to warn the driver but knew I was too high. Another truck followed behind and I decided to move on, flying higher.

The pull upward was strong but I again decided to level out, knowing just my desire to do so would keep me from being pulled out and into “space”. I looked down in awe at the trees and landscape below me. I could feel the wind buffeting the clothes on my body. I tore off my shirt, losing vision in my left eye momentarily as the fabric stuck on my head. Completely naked from the top up, I felt an amazing sense of freedom. I remember thinking, “It’s so beautiful!” 

The entire time I flew, I was singing words I can’t recall. What I sang described how I was feeling, though, and the more I sang, the more free I felt.

Eventually, I shifted back to the house. Inside, I saw two dark haired young men lounging on the sofa.  Both looked at me and the feeling I got from them was interest. Not really interested at the time, I flew around, flipping and zig-zagging around the house and enjoying the freedom of my astral body. Oddly, I felt my previously removed shirt put back on me, as if folded around me like a blanket. I wanted it off, but knew it needed to stay. 

Eventually, the energy of my very active root and second chakra filtered through to the experience and I turned back towards the men. They looked identical and I wondered which one I should approach, eventually selecting the one to my left. I flew like an acrobat towards him, landing perfectly on his lap facing him. He looked shocked and I laughed because the position was obviously sexual. I kissed him, feeling a very puny tongue in my mouth, and an intense electric shock to my root woke me up. 

Music Message: When You’re Ready Come and Get It

There was no energy shift when I returned to my body. The energy was still present but only a subtle warmth remained. Knowing the experience was over, I opened my eyes and then curled up happily on my side, relishing the remaining blissful energy. I had been singing when I returned but the words shifted immediately to a familiar song. The words were clearly a message, “When you’re ready come and get it….”

Dreams such as the one above are clearly indicating that some “process” is occurring, or will be. That I was willing and did not resist out of fear is a good sign. The fear is illogical, of course, but I am and have been aware of it. The fear is of the unknown but also of an inner Knowing that what awaits me is another kind of “death”, one that is highly attractive and terrifying at the same time – the familiar signature of the Kundalini. 

The OBE was a nice surprise. The symbolism of it indicates a desire to feel free and unrestrained. Trucks = work. Wheelbarrow = difficult task. The shirt being taken off = desire to be unrestrained. The shirt being put back = message to take it slow, restraint is needed now. The twin men = twin energies, Union. 

I really shouldn’t be surprised by the events of this morning. Two days ago I received a message from my guidance. It came out of the blue and no explanation was needed. The message was, “You’re heart will open again.” When I heard this I got a bit panicked but was reassured with, “You will be okay.” A typical calming statement by my guidance but it works, and I’m glad it does.

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HD Exploration: Gate 59-6, Melancholy and the Individual Channel of Inspiration

Not long ago – maybe two months now? – I went through a period of time where I was very sexual, or “in the mood”, more than I usually am. It lasted quite a while, maybe two weeks. My husband was very pleased because my normal sex drive has me in the mood maybe once a month, if that. Honestly, if my husband wasn’t as persistent as he is, three months or more would go by without me even thinking about sex. I’m just not interested anymore. 

During this odd occurrence, there was a post in one of my HD FB groups mentioning a transit that might contribute to some experiencing higher than normal sexual urges. Not a coincidence I’m sure! The reason for the sexual shift had to do with the channel of “mating”. Ha! I don’t normally have this channel activated. It have a hanging gate and my husband has the exact hanging gate. So, when together, our auras do not complete the circuit and that activation is not available to us. 

This is what the post said:

The 59-6 Channel of Mating is in the transit until Aug 26th, creating intense sexual emotional waves across the population.

There was an image showing the channels of the transit creating this effect but I couldn’t access it. 

The hanging gate I have is 59:

Gate 59 – Dispersion
Gate of Sexuality – Bonding and Intimacy Beyond Words
The ability to break down barriers to achieve union. The potential energy for a deep and fertile connection with the other resulting in a life creating union.

Gate 6 is missing from my chart AND I have a completely open Solar Plexus. So, in order to complete the circuit, I either have to find someone who has the entire gate (activated) or someone with a hanging 6. 

Gate 6 – Conflict
Gate of Friction – Feeling, Emoting, and Sensitivity
The fundamental design component of progress. The law that growth cannot exist without friction. The energy for producing life itself.

I have my own suspicions about this channel based upon my experiences. It isn’t the only sexual channel, but when I’ve met someone who has the other hanging gate and, together, we complete that circuit, sparks fly. I’ve not been able to do the charts of everyone I’ve connected with (physical or spiritually) but I think this channel is responsible for magnifying the K experiences I had with one individual in particular. He had the other hanging gate, completing the circuit for both of us. I suspect, for him, the effects were just as powerful and surprising as they were for me. I only wish that the above mentioned transit had created the same connection with my husband, but it didn’t even come close. 😦

Connection Chart – me and the individual mentioned above. The completed circuit is circled in black. You can see my hanging Gate 59 where it connects to his hanging Gate 6.

If you can remember, did you notice a shift in your sex drive during this transit back at the end of August? If so, please share!

Kundalini

There are other reasons for my lack of sex drive, but the biggest, most significant reason is the Kundalini. I’ve written about it before, but for those who’ve not experienced the erotic, blissful, sexually intense, orgasmic energy of the K, you might assume I’m making excuses, using the K as a reason to avoid a relationship issue that, for most, is HUGE. My husband assumes this, so I don’t hold it against you if you do think this way. 

Because I care about my husband and his own sexual “needs” (I honestly don’t think they are a need, but I won’t go into that right now), I do try and accommodate him as much as I can. The problem is, when we do have sex, my experience is down right pathetic. My body reaches orgasm but it is almost imperceptible compared to what my body is capable of achieving. It reminds me of when I was on antidepressants and I haven’t taken those is over two decades. 

The thing is, during those two weeks, this issue was nonexistent and prior to that it was not this bad, but since the two week period it is like my body is just numb. Everything is muted. So, where I was not interested before but could at least enjoy sex, now it is pointless to even try. 

I wouldn’t be concerned except that it was nice during those two weeks. I felt “normal” again and, though it was nothing like my dreams or my K experiences, it was better than nothing. Now I’m left wondering if I need to visit a doctor and get my hormone levels checked.

The only thing is, when I dream, this issue is nonexistent. If anything, the more sexual “dysfunction” there is in my physical boy, the more amazing my spiritual experiences get. 

Depression

I have also been very depressed for a few weeks now. Like below my normal low mood state. I’ve been so disinterested in life that I’ve thought I should go get some help, maybe get back on antidepressants. My husband would never allow for that, but I’m really tired of feeling blah all the time. I’ve looked online for someone who specializes in transpersonal therapy but have yet to find anyone that feels like a match. The one time I sent an email to a local person that seemed to good to be true, she never replied.

My guidance has been close, also, pointing out that I have unresolved issues from my past related to my heart connection and the debilitating pain that forced me to completely disconnect from my heart center in order to cope. Without help, though, I don’t know how to work through and heal this pain. My guidance reassures me that help is being provided. Since nothing has come to my attention in my waking life, it must all be happening in dreamtime. 

What I have concluded is that I am working through repetitive responses to the same pain in other lifetimes. The repetitive responses have been – kill myself or lose interest in life and die feeling unfulfilled and numb. So far, I’ve avoided the killing myself part at least, which at the time of the debilitating pain, felt much too close for comfort! I’m currently struggling with the second tendency.

The lesson is an extremely difficult one. I can see clearly now why my heart connection did what he did. He was very much a catalyst, not only for the K, but also for putting me on this all too familiar path. I am suppose to pick myself up by the bootstraps and move on with my life, to take the experience and transform/transmute it. 

Currently, I am faced with the numbness – physical, emotional and spiritual. My dreams are my only reprieve, but when I inspect what few memories remain, the numbness is a relief in comparison! I wake up begging to be freed from this prison (life in this body). My guides have challenged me to stop requesting it, to control my thoughts regarding such requests. My request will not be granted. So far, I’m doing better but it is very hard when I wake up feeling so discouraged day in and day out. 

In regards to my feeling discouraged, trapped, stuck – all the time – there is a reason for this, also. Sure, there is a past life karmic reason, but there is also a design reason (as in Human Design). 

Melancholy and the Individual Channel of Inspiration

I’ve always tended toward melancholy. Interestingly, it is written all over my HD profile. My only defined channel, the 1-8, is an individual channel. This is what it means to be individually defined in HD:

People with individual channels are primarily interested in themselves and acoustically oriented. They are often freaks and cannot be labeled. It is most difficult for them to get integrated into society, into groups and tribes, because they are lone wolves and need to spend much time alone, not influenced by the masses. They are so to speak the agents of evolution, who should bring something new, a mutation to the collective and society to ensure the survival and development of the human race.

They don’t like at all to be told what they should do, and thus they are uncontrollable and “deaf” to the influence of others. The reason for that is that they should bring fresh wind to the dusty old things, instead of perishing in the homogenized world.

Their being is accompanied by the deep melancholy that is the foundation for creativity and innovation, as long as they don’t give any reasons to this melancholy and don’t try to avoid and evade it. Melancholy is often accompanied by the feeling of not moving forward in their lives, of being stuck and that nothing moves in their life. When people with individual channels allow themselves to share this melancholy and to accept the permanently recurring limitation, then they can access their power and bring creative and mutative empowerment to the society and the collective.

Source: https://humandesignsystem.co/en/36-channels-of-the-human-design-chart/

The bold parts are me in a nutshell. I struggle to see how melancholy is the foundation of creativity and innovation, though. For me, my depression doesn’t seem to lead me anywhere but to the same; therefore, I feel stuck all.the.time and am plagued by a strange restlessness that is only lessened when I get out of my mind. This is mentioned above, too – “as long as they don’t give any reasons to this melancholy and don’t try and avoid or evade it.” I’m working on this part and slowly getting better at it, but it is difficult!

When I had my HD Foundation reading, my wonderful analyst, a 5/1 Mental Projector, was very nice about giving me the “bad news” related to my design. Despite her putting a positive spin on everything, ie. my design is “very specific”, I’m “special” and have a very “defined purpose”, I could perceive her deep sympathy for the down-sides of my design. I could almost hear her thinking, “I’m glad I’m not her.” 

The truth is, I’m meant to walk this life alone in my melancholy. Few people will call me out to share my wisdom and even fewer will acknowledge and truly “see” me. On top of all this limitation, those that do call me out, will seek to possess me and keep me for themselves, desperately clinging to whatever it is they feel I can give them. So I end up feeling deeply rejected by almost everyone and then, when I finally feel hope at being seen, when I’m finally called out, I find myself desperate to get away from the clutches of a person who fails to truly see me. So often in relationships I end up fighting against the cords of attachment, wanting only freedom to be myself without the constant expectations and projections of the Other. 

Recently, I’ve realized that even those who I think truly do see me – don’t. Currently, I think my mother comes the closest to truly seeing me, but then she has had my whole life to do so. When I have been “seen” by others, I find they only see those parts that suit them and what they are seeking. Therefore, the sense of being seen is short-lived and when it passes, I am left feeling once again unseen and the other ends up blaming me for their inability to posses me. I am labeled and stored in their minds, put on a shelf and forgotten.

Here is something I found online that explains the 1-8 channel very well:

This is a Life Force that can shine out in it’s individual expression in such a unique way you can stand out in any crowd.

It makes you incomparable. Whether it is through your beautiful artistic expressions or your eccentric peculiarities, you are designed to embody who you are in everything you do.

There is only one way for you in this life and that’s your way. People can be deeply impressed with your ability to live differently to others. You can be such an inspiration to others by simply being you and doing things in your own way. You can help empower others to do things in their own way and break out from the homogenization that currently infects human behavior.

This is not an energetically powerful Life Force. You are not designed to show your difference until you are invited to do so. 

It’s important not to try to push your way onto others. You are here to present yourself to others in a way they can accept your mutative and new contribution. You can be a trendsetter because of your uncommon style and attractive manner.

Your natural ability to present may develop into solo performances if you have dancing, musical or acting abilities. Yes, you may have to train with others but you will soon stand out as someone special and once you are the solo star everyone can admire your unique style.

TOP TIP: Trying to dance to someone else’s tune or fitting yourself into behaving in a way that does not suit who you are will be intolerable to you. Whatever they’re paying you it won’t be enough!

Another thing to bear in mind, is that you are going to have to go through a process of learning how to communicate with all kinds of people. This is not in-built with this Life Force and unless you have other Life Forces in your chart that can compensate, you will probably have to learn the hard way.

Your presentations will always be unique to you. Weird and eccentric can get you noticed, but if you wish to live an expanded life, then you need to wait to be invited for your moment to speak or show others what you can do. You can be so amazing, but you are also an ‘acquired taste’. Not everyone likes fresh new ways of being and those who are deeply traditional are unlikely to appreciate you. You have a strong sense of identity but you become bolder and truer when others are encouraging because they are delighted by you.

If you lead by example, others may follow you, but you won’t be leading them, you’ll simply be yourself. You may mix modalities in an unusual and creative way if you are an alternative health practitioner, you may have a quirky voice that makes you a fortune as a performer, you may bake cakes that are so incredible that a company forms around you and a whole new specialist business comes into manifestation.

If you’re not being recognized for you uniqueness, then you are either in reaction to some past trauma that has conditioned you into being a recluse, or you are simply in the wrong place around the wrong people for you. Source: Reddit.com 

So, it seems, there is no escaping how and who I am. I am this way on purpose. This body, its design, is purposeful. The sooner I accept it, the better. It is a hard pill to swallow!

References:

Bunnell, Lynda and Ra Uru Hu. (2011). The definitive book of human design. Carlsbad, CA. HDC Publishing.