Protected: Calm Surrender
Category Archives: Healing
Dreams Suggest New Path
On what an emotional week! Thankfully, the emotion seems to be settling down a bit, specifically the grief and anguish. Yesterday, after writing a post in my other “secret” blog specifically about grief and depression I stumbled upon more than one post by an astrologer about Chiron at 29° Pisces. Turns out this specific degree is churning up Karma, patterns, beliefs and all kinds of junk for processing and release.
I have Chiron in Taurus and have often been given a heads up by my guidance about Chiron the “wounded healer”. I have come to dislike him greatly over the years. It seems like when Chiron is around I am in despair or anguish to the point of feeling as if I am being gutted. Thankfully, this time, the “gutted” feeling was less because most of the pain that came up for release had been processed in 2016-2017. So this time around I mainly needed to acknowledge the grief, that I was suppressing it and pretending to be okay when in fact I am not okay.
I’ve also been able to get a bit more sleep. Last night I took a full Benadryl prior to bed when I normally take only half or take a Melatonin. Since my problem is frequent waking I figured a little more Benadryl might keep me asleep. It worked like a charm! I only woke once and it was nearly 5am! Yay! As a result I feel so much better this morning. Rested and calm compared to how I’ve been waking over the past couple of weeks.
Surprisingly I also remembered my dreams in more detail than I have been. 🙂 Maybe they will provide a bit of insight with some interpretation? Let’s see…
Dream: White SUV
In this dream I recall being in a car lot or parking lot (pause on path, new direction) with some family members. I was showing them my new car. We walked along a row of parked cars and I pointed to it. It was a white (purity, spirituality, innocence), Toyota-Highlander-looking SUV (goals in life have changed) only it had a very obvious pop-up camper (desire for independence) type thingamajig where the back seats should be. When I looked inside I recall being very satisfied with it.
Afterward we left and then returned to the SUV to drive it home. There was another similar looking SUV parked about two cars down from mine. I accidentally went to it first and then realized it wasn’t mine (possible alternate path). The pop-up part was distinctly different, extending up higher. I then noticed my SUV’s interior lights were all on and every single door left open. I rushed up to it and said, “Who’s been in my car? Someone left all the doors open. The battery (loss of energy/motivation) is going to die! Why did the parking attendant let them do that?” The “them” in this case felt like children, like my children. I quickly shut all the doors and hoped that I wouldn’t have to replace the battery before I had even driven it home for the first time. I recall thinking poorly of the car lot at that time as well.
Dream: Limo Trip
The dream shifted and I was heading with a group out to a work and/or religious gathering. I recall being inside a large vehicle, like maybe inside a limo (wealth, prosperity). It was dark and the seats were facing each other. I remember being anxious and the drive seeming to last a long time. My SIL moved to sit close to me and began to run her fingers lightly up and down my spine (maybe Kundalini related). It felt wonderful and I relaxed into it and thanked her.
Not much later my SIL motioned to me to follow her. She headed toward a back seat that I had not seen. She crawled through a small opening and I followed. The space opened up and I found myself on a very long black, leather seat. My SIL was sitting and waiting for me and I said to her, “Wow! There’s really a lot of space in here!” The seat was so long that we could both lay down on it comfortably. I could see another seat behind us as well but no one else was in there with us.
I assumed my SIL wanted to continue the back rub but I sensed something was different. When I looked up she was not my SIL anymore but resembled my best friend from high school. For some reason I understood that this encounter was meant to help me and a recent dream experience I had repeated. Again I saw very clearly this woman’s vagina. Rather than feeling awkward, this time I knew exactly what to do and so did not hesitate. Whatever I did to her felt to be happening to me. It was very strange!
Then, back at the gathering, I recall seeing many circular tables (wholeness) in the room, all with white tablecloths. Awards (success) were being given out but I can’t recall what kind or to who.
Next, I was in the bar area/kitchen (spiritual nourishment and healing) and noticed quite a mess of dishes and other things that needed cleaning up (healing). Someone was there but not cleaning it up so I opted to clean it myself. This is odd because I knew it wasn’t my mess yet I immediately went to cleaning it. Also, the mess was not just dishes yet I cleaned them as if they were. I took the things (can’t remember them now), rinsed them with water (cleansing, emotion) and then placed them in the refrigerator. In my mind the refrigerator (accomplishment of what was sought or putting something on hold) was a dishwasher so when I finally realized it was a fridge I was surprised. I recall that the inside was clean, white, and nearly empty. When I placed things inside I arranged and organized them.
There was someone with me at the time that I was talking to but I can’t recall who.
Considerations
My overall feeling from these dreams is good. The SUV dreams seems to indicate that I am seeking independence on my path. Cars = one’s path in life. An SUV in particular has plenty of room for others, specifically family. So, my interpretation is that I want to keep my family in my life but also want my independence. The white color feels good to me – optimistic. The fact that this SUV is my “new car” and was just purchased (based upon it being in a car lot) suggests I am switching paths/direction in my life. However, I have some fears, specifically “battery life” in that I worry I will not have enough energy/resources because of my responsibilities to my children.
The next dream indicates healing of my feminine. It is interesting that it continues another dream experience that was much more lucid than this one and left me questioning the purpose of it. In this dream it completes and I seem to be accepting that this other woman is me. I seek to give her pleasure and as such receive pleasure myself. It feels now to have been about self-love and self-acceptance.
The end of the dream feels like continued healing and perhaps an inventory of what I have accomplished and what healing I still have left to do. Considering how empty the fridge is, it seems to indicate not much has been put on hold for later healing and resolution.
Physical and Emotional Purging
Sometimes I am surprised about how suddenly a decision comes to me. For example, this morning, I woke up deciding I would delete certain apps/social media accounts. It feels like I need to and I have already posted on one of the social media apps – Strava – that I will be deleting my account. The next will be Instagram and Twitter. These apps tend to take up too much of my time and do not do anything for me, really. I look at my phone more because of them (well not Twitter) which takes me away from the goings on around me such a my kids, family and work.
I will likely keep FB, I am not very active on FB anyway but I may remove the app from my phone, though, in order to keep the distractions to a minimum.
So, very soon, I will be close to social media silence compared to what I was. I’m not sure what I will do with my freed up time. As it is, I am struggling with the last hours of the evening (6-9pm). It seems the evening hours never end. I am horribly bored! I use to have this issue before I met my current husband. I would get home from work, eat dinner and prep for the next day and then have nothing to do for the remainder of the evening. I remember my nightly routine consisted of taking a muscle relaxer and smoking pot to numb myself from the stark reality that was my then-life. No close friends, no hobbies, no interests other than my evening run or an occasional swim. This routine lasted a good six months until I decided I had to stop avoiding life and confront it. My first lesson was awful insomnia caused by a reliance on pot and muscle relaxers to get to sleep. Yuck!
Maybe I will just have to get back to reading books and doing more yoga to fill my time. I have no interest in being social. I’ve never been too good at it and people tend to exhaust me. Even when I use to be more social (waaaay back in 2003-2005) I often had to force myself to go to social gatherings and usually ended up sitting there thinking, “When can I go home?”
I find myself back to wondering, “Is this it?” when it comes to my life. I don’t have a bad life, either, I’m just bored as hell. Why do I get bored so easily? I am tired of seeing the same surroundings, doing the same things, eating the same foods (all foods really), thinking the same thoughts and so on and so forth. Yet when I think of what to do to change things up I lose interest in trying. I feel like I’ve done it all already.
Purging
With all the above purging going on on the outside, some inner work and purging is going on on the inside. Though I don’t remember most of my dreams these days, I have been waking up in tears again, though nothing like in the past. Here is an example from a week ago:
January 27, 2019
I had lots of dreams but only recall a couple.
In the first I was braiding my hair. It was pulled back in a ponytail and I braided a long braid but then had to redo it because one strand of hair was left out. The second time I braided it, though, my hair looked like braided yarn, like a Cabbage Patch doll or something.
Then I was waiting for the school bus. The bus was late and when it arrived the driver informed everyone that the route was going to change so the stops and times would be different. I remember being on the bus and talking to others on it, all high school aged boys and talking about my time as a teacher of kids in the alternative education system and how it prepared me for difficult people and situations.
Then I was with a woman in the back yard of a house. There were two young children, a boy and a girl. As I watched them their story was relayed to me as if background information to what I was seeing. Their family was very poor and the children often did not eat all day. The parents both worked very hard and all day so the kids were left unsupervised until after dark. The father was an alcoholic so much of the money he made went to his drink. The mother was very angry and resentful of her situation and life in general and was not very loving at all to her kids. In fact, she treated them as if they were a burden to her.
I watched as the two children picked apples from a tree. The little girl looked very sad and I tried talking to her to cheer her up but she seemed not to hear me. The woman with me said that the apples were all they had to eat all day and that they had to pick them or else be beaten and go hungry. Some apples were hard to reach and so I offered to climb the ladder to get them. When I picked them the backside of the green apple was rotten. There were two more, both seeming to have partially grown into the tin roof of the house. When I pulled them off one was rotten and the other was not. There were some other apples I could not get to and had to leave on the tree.
Then the woman and I decided to buy the family pizza to help them out. We went inside and sat down. The woman ordered the pizza and when it arrived set it in the middle of the living room table. I remember looking into my wallet and seeing a $50 bill. I was surprised and suggested we give it to the family so their children could have food but then I knew if I gave it to the parents they would not buy food but more alcohol.
We waited for the parents to arrive, which they did much later. The mom came in first, dressed in her work clothes and in a rush. Her energy was very off and I tried to look inconspicuous to avoid the onslaught of her frazzled energy. The woman with me said, “Look we got you pizza.” The woman took a slice and ate it talking about something else and completely ignoring the gift but acting like it was owed to them.
She went outside and I overheard her talking to her husband as he arrived about the pizza gift. She was very controlling and insisted he treat the gesture as a kind of gathering or event. Then they both came in and I mentioned the pizza and she said something about all of us having cheese cake. I looked and saw the father had a huge cake. They ignored the pizza and us and focused on the cake which upset me because I knew the wife had told her husband to buy the cake so they would not look to be in need. He had spent all their money on a cake which would not be nourishing to the kids just so they looked like they didn’t need our help.
The mother went up to my friend and thanked her for the pizza but completely ignored me. This angered me and I said something about how I was the one who bought the pizza and that she should be grateful that we cared enough to help. I said, “I won’t be doing this again.” My anger turned into compassion and then grief as I said to her, “I know you’re a good person.” I then walked over to the husband who was sitting at the table completely out of it and drunk. I put my hand on his shoulder, tears pouring out of my eyes, and said to him, “Especially you. I know you are good.” When I said this he turned to look at me, completely unaware of his surroundings and so drunk that he had no idea who I was or what was going on. I was overcome with emotion at the situation and began to sob uncontrollably.
Interpretation
When I woke up my pillow was completely soaked. The grief I felt was for the children. It felt so unfair that they should have to endure that life, a life without love. And then I grieved for the parents, too, who were selfish and “asleep”. Then I grieved for the world and all humanity because I knew that was a reality for so many. I remember thinking to my guide, “Why??”
When I remembered the dreams before the last one I knew the braiding of my hair was preparation for what was to come. Braids = courage. The school bus is a lesson and another preparation. I was saying I was prepared because of my time working with certain populations of kids. Then the lesson is about the suffering of the world. The green apples are about love or love that has yet to blossom. The rotten apples indicate neglect and carelessness. The parents then chose selfish indulgences (cake) over wholeness and abundance (pizza).
These kinds of dreams always leave me feeling depleted inside. My heart cannot contain my grief at the state of humanity. I try to convince myself in the dream that they are “good” people and do not intend harm but their lack of awareness is painful to watch, especially how it affects their children.
Then last night I was crying in my dreams again.
I was in a classroom (lessons). I went in to visit my mother (aspect of self) and took over her class for a while acting as a substitute. The elementary aged children began to come into the class and were milling about. I walked among them and noticed they were all sitting on the floor drawing pictures on the white tiles. I asked them to wipe away their drawings and mentioned that it was good they did not use permanent (something with long-lasting affect) markers. The kids didn’t know what those were so I described what they were in a kind of mini-lesson.
Then a physically challenged man came into the room with an assistant and sat down in a desk that had walls around three sides (feeling caged in). I spoke with him and he explained that he could have had surgery to fix his ailments (can’t recall what is was now) but he chose not to because he wanted to remain whole and himself. He seemed quite grumpy to me, though, and as I spoke to him more something caused me to tear up and I began to cry.
Later in the dream, I was speaking to my “mother” about her teaching and how she loved her students. I recognized I had the same love for mine and began to sob uncontrollably. It woke me up but I fell back to sleep soon after.
Then I was in a car (life path). It was dark (can’t or unwilling to see) and my husband was driving. He stopped at a pharmacy (healing) and I lingered in the car, tired and sick, with my children. I remember knowing I was late because I overslept. I waited as my husband talked with the pharmacist to get an old prescription I had for congestion filled. Eventually, I went inside with the kids to check on things because it was taking a long time. The pharmacist, who looked like my OB-GYN from when I had my babies, handed me pinkish colored pills (love) in packaging. I could see there were about 10 pills. I thanked her, saying, “I knew I had an old prescription still.” She told me to take two and to see my doctor if I still felt bad.
Throughout these dreams I was talking with someone behind the scenes. I only recall bit and pieces of the conversation and certain energetic sensations. There was a message about having “work done”, like a procedure, and I remember seeing someone getting heart surgery. I watched as they used a staple gun to suture up flesh and bone around the chest cavity. The man was awake while they did this, too. It was really weird!
When I woke up my throat was full of congestion and I have been coughing a bit this morning.
Depression, Anxiety and Containment
Lately I have been feeling a type of depression that really worries me. It is really dark and hopeless. It is not the decimated feeling that I had in 2016. It feels more like actual depression but it is different than the depression I have managed all of my life. There is this inner panic or anxiety that really concerns me. It feels like there is someone inside me clawing to get out, panicking to free themselves from the cage that is me, or at least the me I project outwardly to others. I restrain her but when I do it makes me feel energetically unwell, like I am going to break into a million pieces if I do not let her out. Similar to the decimated feeling, there is a sense that I am going to literally cease to be if this part of me is let out. I believe this depression stems form the feeling I was having back in December where I was feeling energetically sick to the point that I felt at any moment I would lose my mind and do something really out of character to the point of insanity.
I don’t like feeling this way. It is the sense of losing control that does not sit well with me. I believe the mild anxiety and panic attacks I’ve been having go along with this feeling of losing control. Every time I get in the car now I have to fight off anxiety arising from thoughts that somehow what I am experiencing isn’t real but a dream and I will leave my body at any moment or lose consciousness in the middle of rush hour traffic. The thoughts always precede the panic and I know how to control them, and I do but it is exhausting.
The thoughts I tend to have are, “This intersection looks like that intersection (the one I use to always have panic attacks at)” followed by, “What if I have a panic attack? What if I pass out?”. Then I have flashes of these things happening and the panic sets in and all I want to do is turn the car around or find a place to park or jump out of the car and run away.
When I go for runs it is similar. The other day I ran a different route with my dog, thinking it would be nice but feeling uneasy regardless. I had to stop mid-way because I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe and began to get light headed. Again, the thoughts preceded the panic. I think things like, “OMG, I am having trouble breathing. My heart rate is high. What if I pass out and no one knows how to contact my kids? How will they know I’m okay? Who will tell them?” I end up having to walk it out to calm down and the farther I run from my home, the more likely I will have a panic attack. I have started to take my phone with me when I run, just in case I do pass out and they need to contact a family member.
I have never passed out on a run. I have never passed out in the car. In fact, I’ve never passed out in my entire life. Ha!
The only thing I can figure from all the above is that I am at a point where I cannot ignore certain things. The more I ignore or deny them, the more depression and anxiety will result. My best bet at this time is to seek help with identifying and confronting the underlying issues, whatever they may be. In the past, I have done this by going into session, but I don’t know if this will be feasible.
I worry (yes ugh) that I will end up being unable to contain the me that is inside clawing to get out. She scares me for some reason. I don’t know why. She can’t be that bad. She is me, after all. Yet, the sense is that if she gets out my life will fall apart at the seams. The problem is that I don’t know what she wants. The not-knowing is what is scary. I don’t think I can know until she is let out. So it comes down to two options: 1. Keep her contained and continued to struggle with the above conditions escalating. or 2. Let her out and see what all the fuss is about.
Once an Empath, Always an Empath
Odd clearing dreams the last three nights! Weird progressions mixed with strange mixes of symbolism and characters. Twice now I’ve awakened in tears, too. Seems a purging at a deep level is occurring and I suspect the majority of it is not my personal stuff.
Dreams from 1-08-19
The main one was about J (the lady with cancer who I came to help out at work), only I kept calling her “June”. I remember tending to her and visiting her over a course of time. Each time she seemed okay but was getting gradually worse. Toward the end it looked like she was dying but she would recover and hold on. This happened over and over again and it upset me. I kept crying in my dream and it woke me up in tears. I felt so sad and the sadness was from watching the deterioration of a human life. It also was odd to me that I kept calling her June. I think it may have to do with the time of her death. I wonder, will she hold on that long?
The next dream was about this illness that would cause people to go insane and kill others. I was running and hid in a bathroom where I suddenly needed to take a huge poop, which I did right in front of two other females. There was a child with me and another women. The woman seemed to have the illness and kept grabbing her face and looking off into the distance with terror in her eyes.
When I woke the Coldplay song Don’t Panic – “We live in a beautiful world” – was going through my head as was the song, “You’re amazing, just the way you are…..”
1-10-19
Strange dream about the car last night. I got into the Prius and noticed the gas was all gone. It was so empty that the car was dying and re-starting again and again. Thankfully I was at the gas station and pulled up to the pump. While I was searching for money I saw I had forgotten my billfold, checkbook and phone. My purse was practically empty. I opened the center compartment to see if my husband had left his wallet and it was there along with his phone. I remember thinking of my options after cussing silently to myself. I had no way to contact anyone. The only person’s number I had memorized was my husband’s and his phone was with me. I figured I would have to walk to get help and leave the car at the station.
Then I thought to check in his wallet and found wads of money – $100, $50 and tons of ones. Amazed that he had so much and relieved that I was not stuck there, I prepared to get out and pump some gas. As I opened the door and went to the pump someone was opening my trunk. I yelled at them to stop and just as I did I saw another person jump into the passenger side of the car, grab my coat and run away. I yelled at her as I closed my trunk. Then someone jumped into the driver’s side, locked the door and grabbed the wallet with money. They looked at me as I realized they had everything of mine and my husband’s along with the car key. I had been targeted and fallen for it.
I had a vision too that is mostly lost to me now. It was of what looked like chunks of beeswax filled with honey. It was in blocks and they were stacking one on top of the other. The message I felt it relayed was that this year will be emotional – but good emotion (sweet like honey). It felt like I would meet someone who could reciprocate my desires/needs.
Last Night
Dream 1
The first dream I recall is of being in a living room with a man and woman. They were nurses or healers tending to me. I was welcomed in and asked to take a seat. I sat in a large, plush chair. They were very kind to me as they asked me how I’d been and took an inventory of my symptoms. I don’t remember much here except feeling a strong desire to go poop. I remember telling the male nurse and him encouraging me to do so right there in the chair. So, I did, and in the dream it was very real-like and memorable. I remember feeling very odd being in front of them and in a nice, plush chair like that. The chair was brown I believe.
When finished I sat in my poop as we talked some more (ick!). When it was time to leave I remember mentioning the mess and both nurses told me not to worry. They helped me stand and I had absolutely nothing – no mess at all – on my yoga pants. There was one tiny wet spot that I wiped off but that was it. I thought it very strange that I had been sitting in my own shit (lol) for so long and did not have any on me! The two nurses took the chair over to a bathroom and set it down. I remember seeing the pile of crap in the chair and commenting, “At least it wasn’t diarrhea!” As I left the place I noted the chair sitting by the toilet, soiled but salvageable and thinking the whole situation very odd.
Dream 2
In the next dream I recall I walked into a hotel room where a man was standing and waiting. I was instructed to make him a drink. He wanted Vodka and OJ. I did not know where the Vodka was so he helped me search the bottles until we found it. Then I poured him a drink but when adding the OJ I grabbed some other liquor – Cognac or something – but caught myself before pouring it in. There was another man in the room who commented on my lack of experience. I told him I worked for the hotel but not usually in that capacity.
Then I was with several others who worked with me. We were all overworked and mistreated. It felt like we had no choice. There was a woman who controlled all of us. She was very selfish – evil even – and worked us until we either died or could not work anymore, in which case she would “get rid of us”.
I lay on the floor next to a young man who was very skinny and gawky. I knew him and snuggled up against him. We were both naked for some reason and he allowed me to snuggle but it got to much for him and he rolled over, back to me. I felt huge amounts of sympathy for him and apologized, saying, “I’m sorry. You’re probably not ready for that yet.” I sensed he had suffered much abuse and humiliation, just like the rest of us.
The scene shifted and I was with the evil woman. She was nicely dressed with dark hair wearing Victorian Era clothing that was a deep red velvet with black lace trim. I was dressed similarly and doing as she told me, which I think involved walking the streets and tending to men’s needs. I only remember being forced to walk around and serve others for hours without rest, food or drink. I watched from outside myself as I fell and got up again and again. My legs had bruises all over them and my back hurt really bad. Each time I fell I got up again because I knew if I didn’t she would have someone get rid of me. So I kept getting up even though I began to vomit all over myself.
Eventually, I stumbled and hit my head on a wall going in and out of consciousness. I fell, falling into a lunge position. I heaved but nothing came out. I heard the woman yelling at me to get up and sensed men nearby ready to take me away when I passed out. The woman began to leave, turning her back on me and saying something nasty indicating she was done with me.
In a final surge of energy fueled by my will to live and take back my power, I grabbed a pole with an ornamental tip made of mahogany. I lunged forward, aimed it at the woman and drove it through her solar plexus. I pushed until it stopped, embedded in a wall. The woman was skewered and died while looking at me with shock in her eyes.
The dream shifted and I was floating over a nice house on the edge of the water. I was being told it was the woman’s house and though it looked plain on the outside, inside it was grand like the inside of a mansion. The woman did this purposefully so that no one knew her true nature. There was a boat ramp that shone a brilliant white stretched out over the water. I landed on it as the man with me told me, “What is on the outside very seldom matches what is on the inside”.
The man (guide) with me seemed to be gone and in the same instance my friends from the hotel landed on the ramp in front of me. The gawky young man stood in front of me and a woman was to his right. They both congratulated me. I hugged the man, wrapping my arms around him. He said to me, “You did a good job!” When he said this, his words struck me deeply. I could feel him very physically and I began to tremble and then shake in his arms. My entire body shook so intensely that I clung to him so that I would not collapse at his feet. I began to sob uncontrollably as I clung to him. The feeling was a mixture of relief and reunion. I felt this man knew very intimately my deepest hurt because he had experienced it, too. He shared it with me. He KNEW and because of that I felt immense relief at not being alone. So I was able to release emotions long suppressed. Emotion that I hid from others because I knew they would not understand and would judge me.
When I woke I wished that I had someone in my life who understood me like the man in my dream did. I suddenly wanted to reach out to a person I knew understood. In my mind I began to write a letter sharing my experiences and many other things that I would not – could not – share with others. It felt good thinking about this. Real. What I shared in my mind was not my stuff but a sense of the other’s stuff – issues, feelings, fears, hurt….guilt and shame. I knew I had taken on these things in an attempt to help. My guidance pointed it out to me and I said, “I know.” In my heart I know I would take it all on if I had to.
Contact and OBEs
Interesting night last night. It began when I awoke around midnight to thoughts that made no sense initially and seemed out of place. The first thought I had upon waking was something like, “Maybe we are being invaded?” In my mind specific knowledge points were connecting all at once. Imagine points lighting up and lightening connecting them in a pattern of awareness if you can. With each knowledge point came a memory – a kind of “ah-ha” moment that lasted milliseconds and was followed with another, and another and so on. It concluded with a feeling of concern that was quickly replaced with calm.
All of the thoughts settled eventually and I was able to come to a sort of understanding of the realization I was having. I am not new to E.T.-type contact and long ago managed my fear of E.T.s by rationalizing that they were no different than us, they just take a different form. Plus, their communication with me was exactly the same as my guides – it was virtually impossible to tell the difference. Ultimately, I lost all fear and communication with them seemed to taper off until it was non-existent. The typical OBEs where I felt to be on a table surrounded by Beings with a bright spotlight on me stopped. The visitations by strange looking preying mantis-like Beings stopped. The interactions with bald, near featureless, grey or pale-faced, large-headed Beings stopped.
Yet for some reason in the middle of the night last night I woke up thinking Earth was in the midst of an invasion and it was happening right under our noses. Suddenly, what has happened to me – IS happening to me – was recognized as the method of invasion. Of course, this cause a mild stress response that quickly passed because, well, whatever is happening to me seems to be helping me, not hurting me.
Memory of everything I have experienced hit me all at once. First of all, I couldn’t believe that I had “forgotten” it all. Actually, I hadn’t, I had just swept it under the rug because my life took front stage. Something in dreamtime must have triggered my memory but I have no idea what I was dreaming about before I woke up.
What I am left with this morning is calm and certainty. Yes, in a sense Earth is being “invaded” but that terms leads one to think it a negative thing when in actuality it is very positive. I was long ago told that I was a Contactee. At the time I thought it meant I would encounter a space craft or E.T. here on Earth. That was not exactly accurate. They (the E.T.’s) travel by thought/consciousness – outside of time and space. Therefore, it would make complete sense that they would make first contact telepathically. But humans are so limited in that capacity that in order for contact to be initiated the E.T.s would have to prepare the Contactees for contact.
Rather than go into a detailed account of what I Remembered, which I am sure you would all like to hear (or maybe not), I will just say that the walk-in phenomena is very intricately involved in the Contact scenario as is Kundalini, ascension, and the whole spiritual movement we are currently experiencing here on Earth. There are those of us who purposefully came here – as transplants – to initiate the ascension “wave”. I was told the number of “transplants” (Walk-in’s, Starseeds, whatever you want to call us) is about 1.5 million worldwide at this time. This is a small amount when you consider the total of the world population is around 8 Billion people right now.
The method of entry is being called “transplant” because that is very much how the process works except it is a consciousness that is being transplanted into a human host body rather than some organ or physical body part.
For me, this whole realization is taking some time to digest because up until now, I thought every human on this planet was like me. I was shown/Remembered years ago how I entered this body and communicated with it in order to be accepted into and merge with it. It is now beginning to hit home that perhaps this was MY transplant experience and not the typical human experience here on Earth. But then, I may be mistaken, which would not be the first time. It would be nice, however, to meet someone who remembers entering into the human body while it was still in the mother’s womb like I do. Thus far, I have not met anyone with memory of that, though.
Once I came into this body I was aware for a short time and then went to “sleep” for lack of a better word for almost two decades. When I awakened it was instant. There was no gradual stepping into. I seemed to acquire my abilities overnight. I meditated and it initiated awakening immediately. Snap! Is this how all “transplants” work? IDK. Likely there are different scenarios depending on their chosen path but ultimately the similarity would be a sudden awakening when previous to that there was “normalcy”. Some, I have heard, come into the body and never go to “sleep” like I did. I have only met one such person (online).
Anyway, I am still putting the pieces together but all-in-all I am feeling pretty fine and balanced despite the influx of memory. The end result for us transplants is that we come into our full “power” and then get to work helping to raise the consciousness of the planet so that Earth ascends to the point where human consciousness is elevated enough to communication with other worldly Beings without initiating panic and fear.
Now, for the OBEs……
Dream: Choice
I returned to sleep quite easily and drifted into a dream where I was with a group inside a nice house. I knew the members of this group and the owner of the house, though they looked different than I know them to look in physicality.
There was much interaction with the people in this place but most is lost to me now. I remember a tall man and a shorter, dark haired female. At one point the man, who I think was bald, was talking about his age and how old he was. I looked at him and said, “How old are you? You don’t look very old.” He sighed and said, “42.” I laughed and said, “I’m 42. Born in 76′, right?” Before he could answer I felt a shift in energy and knew time was not a factor in this place. It was as if I had broken a rule, but that is not the right term. It was more that I was not to mention specific timelines because it was likely that I was not on the same one as the others in the room. An analogy that comes to mind is the show Travelers where they had “protocols” and could not reveal their missions to other travelers.
There was a scene in the dream where we were making our own cereal. Parts of the cereal were laid out in sections and then put together to create the final product. There was corn in the cereal. I could see the kernels. I suggested we remove the corn because it would not taste good.
In another scene we were being told the house would be undergoing renovations.
Throughout the dream, I was hearing a female voice in my mind like a whisper as I interacted with the people in this group. She was asking me how I felt and if I would like to stay. At one point I felt her put her hand on my back right between my shoulder blades and a warmth spread across my back and into my chest. I fell into the feeling, opening to it and breathing a sigh of relief. I knew I wanted to stay. This place was safe. The people trustworthy. The space healing and revitalizing.
I saw options listed in my mind. The option to stay was checked and I was asked again if I wanted to stay. I did, truly, but a part of me rejected it because she did not believe it was possible that a place so wonderful, so loving and healing, could exist. If it did, I surely was not worthy of it. It felt that I was better suited to problems and conflict.
I woke up then, knowing I had rejected the space because I felt underserving of it. Additionally, I could not fathom such a reality existed. It felt unreal to me.
OBEs
I returned to sleep and to the house. I was sitting at the kitchen counter. A woman was talking about doing something deceptive, taking the insides of a toy dragon I think. I was then offered the toy dragon. I saw it was see-through and inside were tiny, colored objects. I told the woman, “You can have the tiny pieces since I know you just said you intended to take them anyway.” The woman looked shocked.
Then I heard someone call my name. I turned toward the sound and the scene shifted. I gained lucidity all at once and had full perceptions.
Though I could not see the woman, I could hear her voice. I somehow knew she was there to help; to offer healing in a way only a woman could. My vision was limited to that of my mind at the time so I could not see her, only shadows of movement. She asked me if I wanted her to come to me. I replied that I did and lay down on a blanket on the floor face up. There I waited for her.
She then suggested we take a certain position. I think she said, “T”, but I don’t remember her exact words now. When she said this I could feel her approach me and my vision turned on suddenly. Her body felt heavy as she positioned herself over me. My vision turned on and off but I could feel everything very physically.
The next thing I remember is my vision turning on vividly. What I saw shocked me. In my face was this woman’s genital region and I could see every detail of it. Suddenly feeling very inexperienced and nervous, I asked her, “What am I suppose to do?” She said, “Pretend that I’m you.”
I took in the scene, allowing myself to feel all the feelings that came to me. I was not disgusted but I was not attracted to what I was seeing either despite the visuals being VERY detailed and perceptions at full capacity. I began to touch the woman’s leg and kiss her there but hesitated because I began to think it would likely smell. The idea of it held me back and then I pushed the thought away but not before I smelled a familiar smell. It was not a female smell but a musky masculine smell, one I had smelled before in this lifetime. It was not pleasant, as if the man had not cleaned himself well. It vanished quickly but caused me to shift out of the scene.
I felt myself return to my body laying in my bed. In the distance I saw the woman sitting at a computer, illuminated as if by spotlight. I could see her clearly. She had short cropped brown hair that was wavy and came to the nape of her neck – like a pixie cut. Curious and feeling an urge to go to her, I sat up and OOB without issue.
When I went up to her I said, “I didn’t know you worked for him.” I looked at the screen and then back at her. I could see her face in detail. She had a round face with a perfect nose, brown eyes and freckles lightly dusting her cheeks. Her brown hair was messy and hung perfectly around her face. I was fascinated by her.
I got very close to her and looked her in the eyes. She laughed as I grew closer and her entire face lit up. I remember seeing her mouth vividly as she laughed. I think I said, “You’re beautiful” but I’m not sure, I might have thought it. I touched her face lightly with my fingers and turned her toward me because she had looked away. I said to her, “I want to kiss you.”
Her reaction to this was to grab me and kiss me on the mouth. The momentum of her movement was enough to push me to the ground. She fell on top of me and kissed me deeply and passionately. I could feel every part of the kiss distinctly. It was so real! And surprisingly, I reacted as passionately to her kiss as I would to a man’s kiss, maybe more so! My response was to begin to take off her shirt. As it came over her head the intensity of the experience woke me.
When I woke I was laying on my right side, knees tucked close to my stomach. My root chakra was active and warm, expanding outward like a huge bubble. Disappointed to have awakened prematurely, I lingered for a while wondering about the experience. I recalled recently telling someone online that I needed a woman’s touch to heal the wounds causing the blockage in my second chakra. I have no doubt that this OBE was for healing. I was reminded of the feminine energy, how it is nurturing and gentle. In contrast, the masculine energy feels rigid and rough. The wounds I carry from lifetimes of abuse by the masculine require a gentle touch to open up to healing, otherwise they will remain closed to it.
Debugging
Thank goodness for sleep! Wow, was I tired! Even with my son having a sleepover with his cousin I was able to sleep (and that is a major accomplishment I tell ya!).
In the middle of the night I heard banging from the bathroom. I got up to find my youngest at the bathroom sink holding his toothbrush. I asked him, “What are you doing? It’s 3am, you need to go back to bed.” He pouted his lips and said, “Noooo! I forgot to brush my teeth!” Rather than fight him on it I took the toothbrush and told him, “Okay then, go to the bathroom first.” He didn’t argue and used the toilet as I put toothpaste on his brush. When he finished he walked right past me and back to bed. LOL He must have been sleepwalking. All my kids sleepwalk like their mother. 😉
My other son and his cousin fell asleep on the floor in front of the TV. I think they stayed up until midnight at least. This morning they are full of energy and making a mess of the house. Reminds me of my own sleepovers as a child. 🙂
Anyway, when I woke up this morning I was thinking of the masculine and how, in general, the masculine energy in human form is really struggling right now. It was/is very clear to me that it might take a long while still before the masculine is able to step into and own their power in the way it is intended. So much guilt, anger, resentment and inner conflict swirling around inside. Since I have had the honor and pleasure of experiencing a Divine connection with a man who owns and wields his power the way it is meant to be, the contrast between what is (for most men on this planet) and what will be is obvious – palpable even. And I am sad for the men who are struggling because, to me at least, the solution to their inner struggle is so obvious: stop fighting yourself, stop denying yourself, stop resisting yourself. The thing is, the very power the masculine holds has been twisted and misused for so long that many have come to fear their own power because of how destructive it can and has been. This fear causes them to push it down, to deny and in some cases to misuse it even more because that which we refuse to see – which we refuse to confront and take responsibility for – in actuality controls us even more. It’s a cycle that must stop and is perpetuated by fear. Avoidance and denial is not the way to redemption. Avoiding deep and meaningful relationships or suppressing desire (sexual or otherwise) is far too common as is continued misuse and abuse of power.
There is hope, though. There are men out there who are well on the path to successfully owning and stepping into their power.
Anyway, I don’t mean to focus on the masculine over the feminine and imply that somehow the feminine is more advanced (though I am a bit biased since I am a woman). It’s always so much easier to see with clarity the solution to a problem when it is someone else’s problem!
The feminine also must step into and own their power. An obstacle we face is healing deep wounds from lifetimes of abuse. This is my reality and process now but only this morning was I made aware of it.
Dreams
Only snippets of last night’s dreams remain with me this morning.
In one dream I was comparing bare feet (foundation, understanding, stability) with my daughter. I noticed her feet were as big as mine and asked her to put her foot up next to mine for comparison. It was identical and I marveled at how quickly she had grown.
In another dream I went into a bedroom (private self) that I felt was my own. Inside it was dark and the color blue dominate. The covers of the bed were on the floor revealing only wrinkled blue sheets. I thought to myself, “Someone had sex in my bed.” For a moment it grossed me out to think of it. I went to make the bed and noticed something stuck between the bed and headboard. I pulled out a yellow baseball hat (covering up something)stuffed with a yellow shirt. I tossed it to the floor. I saw another similar hat but in another color also stuffed with clothing. After finding several of these hats, all of different colors (like the chakras) and tossing them on the floor I said allowed to someone, “Who put that there?”
I walked around the side of the bed because I saw something moving. It was a small cockroach (filth, dirty, something unwanted). I had a remote in my hand and attempted to squash it but the roach kept escaping. It ran toward the bed and hid inside a red folder lodged underneath. I made sure the squish the folder as much as I could and then opened it to find I had not killed the roach and it had gotten away. Thinking of it under my bed and likely to crawl on me at night creeped me out. I hate roaches!
Debugging
When I woke this morning a guide was to my left very obvious and audible. He was smiling and sending a lighthearted amusement my way. His closeness, however, meant he wanted to talk.
My communication was that I was tired of pretending, tired of being exhausted by the pretense and wanting it all to stop. It is hard for me to understand why I would be allowed to experience all that I have yet not be given the go ahead to step into perpetuating that experience within this lifetime. The message continues to be, “Not yet” and my patience is growing thin.
His response was understanding and reminding me that We are One. He said it more than once in fact, as if I were missing something, which I probably was. I asked him what was going on, why was I having these odd feelings and experiences. His answer was, “We are debugging.” A flash of the cockroach came to mind and for a moment I smiled and laughed at the ingenuity in my guidance’s messages to me.
I felt more than heard instructions to settle into my core/center, which I did immediately and without hesitation. A warmth spread over me and suddenly all my concerns and impatience vanished and understanding returned. My process of healing is accelerating. A blockage in my second chakra has partially cleared and another layer/level is being accessed for clearing/healing. Similarly, the heart is unusually open/active as a counterbalance to the clearing process.
The word “diksha” or “deeksha” was also provided as an explanation of what is occurring.
Edit: I had to pause on writing this post to do something downstairs where I encountered a wounded roach (featured picture). Supports the debugging message and gives me hope that perhaps the “bugs” in my system/energy are well on their way to being worked out.
Shake Up
Though it has only been two days since my last post, it feels like a week has passed. Lots going on energetically! I will share the last couple of posts in my personal journal to give you an idea of what I have been experiencing.
Journal Entry – December 20, 2018
Yesterday and for a couple of days before I have been experiencing odd emotions and energy. I’m uncertain to what it is all related to. Mostly I have a feeling of “I can’t do this for much longer”. It feels like I am about to crack, or like something is going to break soon. It is like a pressure building and I sense it. Is it mine? The world’s? I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Sometimes, when I feel this emotion/energy I cry, other times I feel like I need to run but can’t. There is definitely a “pressure” with it. Yesterday, at work, is when it hit me. I thought about going to my husband and saying, “I can’t take it anymore” and just walking away from everything – out of the office and home I suppose. An internal voice reassured me and I calmed substantially and returned to “normal” but the memory remained.
I questioned the source of this feeling/energy and could not locate it. The fact that I greeted this morning with tears probably has something to do with it.
Dream: Ice Cream for Breakfast
This dream began with me meeting with a woman whose specialty was a specific kind of Tantric massage. There was a lot of time spent adjusting my body and settling in. She explained that I needed to be receptive, to relax, and set me up with my head on something often used for babies. I recall her brushing my side with her fingers and feeling an electricity. Every time I got close to relaxing something would interrupt the process – either the wrong position or some nearby noise or person.
There was a family with a baby nearby having a picnic. Me and the woman were set up in a parking space (slow down, heal). She had put down a blanket and set up the entire area very nicely. The family’s car was beyond my feet (we were horizontal across two parking spots). As I lay down and was receiving the woman’s massage I turned my head and encountered the driver’s side mirror of a car. I looked up and behind me and saw the driver giving me an irritated look. So, I told the woman we needed to move and so we did and the driver pulled into the spot.
There was a commotion then from the driver and the family about the baby. I got upset and asked, “Why is everyone always worried about the baby?” Eventually the lady giving massage handed me keys and left. It felt abrupt, like too much was on my mind distracting me. The keys seemed to be mine and how they felt in my hand was memorable.
Then I was watching from above as I traveled along a highway (life path). I was talking to a man as if on the phone, telling him where I was going. As I drove/flew I came to an intersection and said, “I’m home. This was the faster route.” At the intersection I slowed. A familiar man was in the intersection directing traffic.Two individuals walked through, one right past my window. I drove straight through and the man smiled at me as I passed him.
I remember walking into a restaurant and seeing a young blonde man sitting at at table. I asked him if it was too early for lunch (it was around 9:30am) and he said it was. I had wanted to order a sandwich but was fine with breakfast. I sat down with him and asked for a menu. All that was on it were a few breakfast (new beginnings) selections and the rest was ice cream. As I waited for my fried egg (fertility, birth) and toast I saw the man was eating ice cream (good fortune). Three other men joined us, all eating ice cream. I mentioned it was not a healthy breakfast. The oldest of the men, whose appearance shifted from blonde to brown hair, said it had protein in it – double the amount. This man was attractive and I liked his energy. When the man left my husband took his seat and then the man had nowhere to sit.
I got up to leave through the front door. When I walked up to it, a large wooden door appeared that was locked with a latch. I unlatched it and walked in. Inside was a woman sitting at a table. The lights were dim but it felt warm inside, as if a fire were lighting it. The woman recognized me but I felt to be intruding since I unlocked the door to enter. She welcomed me and we went and sat down with another women.
The first woman (aspect of self) talked and talked about the healing she had just been through – how she was overwhelmed with all the anxiety she had taken on from the people she had been helping. I mentioned I had not gone to the healing. The woman talked and talked and even interrupted me when I tried to talk about my own experiences. She said, “I just want to be with my babies” and I saw dolls and doll clothes she would iron over and over until perfect. My advice was to focus on what made her happy. She agreed.
The woman left and the other woman and I were alone. She felt to be a friend I had not seen in a while. The other woman asked me how I was and opened her arms to hug me. I said, “I’m not doing well….” and burst into tears as I hugged her. I felt overwhelmed by life, feeling I could not pretend anymore. I woke up sobbing, pillow wet with tears.
December 21st
After the company Christmas party last night something odd happened. I was in bed attempting to sleep when I heard what sounded like a child crying hysterically. Thinking it might be one of my children or some other child who needed help, I flew out of bed and went to the window to see. I saw a blur of a person running down the sidewalk crying and screaming. Without thinking, I ran downstairs and outside, no shoes or glasses on. I yelled out to her, “Do you need help?” I asked a couple of times. The girl stopped and turned to me. She said something about her boyfriend through tears. I went up to her and she hugged me tight. She was young and well dressed with brown hair. I asked her what happened and she pointed to a car I had not seen. It was parked in the middle of the street, running, both doors open, with lights still on. She told me her boyfriend just stopped the car and jumped out and ran away. I told her it would be okay and that the first thing was to move the car. I asked if she was okay to drive and she said she was. So she got in the car and moved it out of the road and turned it off. Then she wanted to chase after him again, saying that she was worried about him being all alone and cold. I asked if he was drunk and on drugs and she said, “No he’s depressed.” I was able to get her to stay by her the car and not chase after him. She told me she was 21 and from a nearby town. She also told me her name but I forgot it.
Then we saw a man in the distance run across the road and then hide behind a tree. She yelled, “Jordan? Is that you?” I said to her, “I thought he ran that way?” She said, “I did, too. Maybe that’s not him.” I tried to get her to come into my house to calm down and she wouldn’t leave the car because he might come back. I asked her to wait by the car while and I went in to get my shoes. When I came back I saw the car driving away slowly.
It took me over two hours to go to sleep after that. I worried about her and worried I misread the situation. I kept thinking she would come back. I kept listening for her. I was upset with myself for not remembering her name. Just lots of “what if” type thoughts. But most of all, I could not understand my own actions completely. I did not for once think that I could be in harm. When I say I sprinted downstairs to help, I am not exaggerating. I ran as fast as I could and out the door and up to her. Barefoot. lol I also couldn’t see very well (no glasses on) yet I went right up to her and then hugged her back without restraint. In fact, when I think of how I felt, it felt like she was my own child even though she very obviously wasn’t. My only focus was on making sure she was okay. And when it was all over I was emotional and worried for her, as if she were my own daughter. It took me a while to shake the feeling. It felt very much like it does when I give a mediumship reading and connect with Spirit – the residual connection must be cut in order to properly recover.
I assume her boyfriend returned and she was relieved. And in the end I did exactly what I was suppose to do – console a frantic child and keep her safe. She was going to run after him, in the wrong direction, in the dark not knowing where she was. He obviously ran around the block and circled back to where he left his car. My best guess is that he was being dramatic to make a point. I was sad that she played right into his hands. I felt her innocence and naivety so completely and understood. And all the things I should have said but didn’t ran over and over through my mind. The urge to protect her and help her still is very real to me. When I go through my memory and see her and her energy, I think of how beautiful she is and how I hope she knows she is cherished.
The next morning I talked to my husband about what happened. I had awakened him when I came in to put on my shoes and asked him to help but he never came down because they drove away. My husband asked me, “Are you sure you weren’t dreaming?” And I did ask myself that because the whole thing was just so bizarre and unreal. In many ways it felt just like many of my lucid dreams and OBEs, the kind where I am working to rescue lost souls.
Ultimately, I fell asleep by putting in earplugs to drown out the sounds from the street (I kept thinking I would hear her crying again) but I slept fitfully.
I had an experience not long after where I was laying on my side facing my night stand. I saw a man laying parallel to me and smiling, hand under his chin. He looked like he was playing around and teasing me. I still remember his face. Seeing him I questioned why he was there and how because he would have had to be floating to be where he was. I knew something was off and this peaked my lucidity. I “blinked” and he vanished. Not long after I woke up feeling energetically weird and knew I had been OOB but the experience had been so real that I was a bit shaken.
Note: When proof-reading this part of my post about the man laying there I got memory of the song from Aladdin, Friend Like Me, and memory of how in the movie the genie often was in a similar position – floating in air but laying down. Considering I got this message before, it is likely one of my guides being silly.
Dream
Then I woke up crying again from the only dream from the night that I remember. In it I was helping people but can’t recall specifically why or how. The end is the most memorable now. I was in a scene reminiscent of Star Wars standing on a white platform that stretched out as far as I could see. Two people were with me asking me to handle a man who looked similar to Luke Skywalker but he felt to be my father. I felt I had to do what they were asking or they would do it. Whatever I was doing was using something akin to “the Force” but the term wasn’t used, actually no words were. So I “pushed” him out of my dimension and into another one. I saw him vanish. I was emotional for doing it and cried. As I woke in tears I heard “One of” and then saw IX. I thought, “One of nine?”
It felt like I was saving the man somehow, that it was something that had to be done. Yet I was so sad to do it.
Considerations – Shake Up
I have also had other energetic “things” going on in between all this and still do. My best guess is that my heart is really open right now. When I was doing yoga last night the online teacher said to listen to my body and let it tell me what areas needed special care. My heart came to mind.
Last night’s bizarre experience in THIS reality was really a shake up for me. In many ways I feel like I walked into another world, or maybe I somehow merged my two realities and so experienced something akin to walking between dimensions and maybe that is what the Star Wars dream was all about. I was fully awake and in my body. It DID happen. There is a young women out there who in that moment needed consoling and I rushed to provide it as if I had been programmed to do so. Not just as mother but for some other reason. Maybe a reason I will never know but she will, or maybe she won’t either.
Happy winter solstice.
Dream: Future Prediction
After yesterday evening’s dream about the “dog races”, I had an similar experience in real life. No, I didn’t go to the dog races. 🙂 We had a tiny dog venture into our back yard. It looked very much like the tiny dogs I saw in my dream. At first I couldn’t figure out how he got in. He kept evading capture by going under the fence into our neighbor’s back yard but always came back to our yard, sitting and licking himself as if he thought it was his new home. Eventually, I realized he had come in through a gate from the front yard. The kids must have left it open and he wandered in (I’m surprised our dog didn’t get out!). The gate was partially open but he would not go through it when I tried to get him to. So I had to prop it wide open so that it was obvious and he finally turned tail and ran back out to the front of the house.
After the dog was out and I had re-latched the gate, my dream came back to mind and I laughed to myself. I remember thinking, “He (the dog) always knew the way out. I just had to remind him by opening the gate a little wider.” And of course, this was the message to me as well – I have always known the way out. I said to myself, “You get out the same way you got in.”
So then, how did I get “in”? What path did I follow? And how, then, does that path lead to the exit? But then I would have to determine what predicament/situation I want to get “out” of in the first place!
Dream: Future Prediction
The dream start is fuzzy now. I recall standing outside with a very large group of people. The sky was blue and dotted with fluffy clouds. Each person was handed an official looking envelope. My husband was with me and opened his. I followed suit and opened mine. Inside were predictions of our future. The time frame seemed to be random. Mine gave me a snapshot of my life at age 53.
What I read was not good. It seemed I had opted to take lower paying, lower responsibility jobs to the point that I ended up with work that was well beneath my ability level. This kept me from being challenged and helped me avoid stress and stressful situations and relationships with people. I did this purposefully but it ended up leaving me with few friends and very little feeling of accomplishment. I was shown that the projection of my life was that I would retire early because I didn’t want to work anymore and I would end up old and alone/lonely because I would have alienated most if not all friends/family by the time of my death.
My husband had his and was smiling and wanting to read mine. I wouldn’t let him and did not read his but I knew his forecast was positive.
We ended up going to a place where we could be “adjusted”. It was like a church building where we were evaluated and then set up for treatment which seemed to involve the person laying down and being worked on. I was evaluated quickly and sent to the waiting room while my husband received treatment.
I seemed to wait forever. Lots of other people were waiting also. I grew tired and irritable. Someone commented on my irritability, saying the source of it was boredom. I didn’t argue. A very large woman sat next to me. She was friendly and we got along. She noticed I was tired and positioned herself so that I could lean on her. I ended up laying my head on her breast and nodding off.
When my husband finally came out he was smiling and refreshed. I complained that he took so long and that I never got called in. He pulled our SUV up and called me to get in. All the doors were open and I grumpily climbed in. I saw another car trying to pull out but it was cornered by other cars. I thought it would never get out but it somehow maneuvered itself out and drove away.
Considerations
When I woke I was startled by the dream prediction to the point that I couldn’t help but think it was in response to the thoughts I had on my mind as I went to bed. I had been reviewing my old blog posts from 2016 onward, noticing trends, followers, likes, comments, etc. It is obvious that I have lost many followers, likes have declined, as have comments. My best guess as to the reasons for this is my content. I write a lot of posts about dreams, which in and of itself is probably not interesting to too many people. And then many of my posts have a “poor me” feeling to them, which few enjoy. The trend indicates very slow progress. I seem to have stalled out. And then I think I write too much about how my life is not like I want it to be but then take no action to change it.
So, right before bed I was considering what changes I would need to make. I thought maybe I might need to take another social media break, but I wasn’t sure and my gut told me to sleep on it. Then I get an entirely different outlook indicating that what I may need to change is my perspective regarding my work/career. Interesting!
I was talking to my husband about my dreams this morning and we ended up discussing my current work situation. I explained that I purposefully chose the job to avoid stress and people – just like the type of work mentioned in my dream. At some point I said this to him to describe my circumstances:
It’s the avoidance of things that make you uncomfortable that keeps your life the same.
He said to me, “That is good. Text it to me.” Had he not I wouldn’t have remembered it!
He said he thought that I needed to step up and take on more responsibility, that it was my dislike of the type of work that was my discomfort. I told him, “No. It’s things that scare me that make me uncomfortable.”
Work Woes
Speaking of work, the lady who I was hired to help is in the hospital. She just finished all her chemo and had been given the all-clear by her doctors. All traces of cancer gone. But ever since Thanksgiving she has been home sick with neuropathy. But last night it escalated and she ended up in the E.R.
Our boss updated us this morning saying that the cancer had metastasized into her brain. Somehow the doctors didn’t catch it and even after all that nasty chemo the cancer was not eradicated. Really awful news.
The news has been pretty devastating to everyone at the office. She has worked there for over 15 years and everyone loves her.
Something I noticed at work when everyone discussed her situation – they all acted sad and concerned but seemed to want to quickly forget everything and get back to “normal” as quickly as possible. I remember thinking – they are already moving on, even before she has even died. And for a moment I grieved for her loss; that she had already become a memory before even leaving this world.
My husband and I went to see her in the hospital. They only allowed one person at a time in her room. When my husband came out he had been crying. 😦 When I went in I smiled and stayed cheerful. She seemed just fine and had her wits about her but she was also very peaceful about everything. She didn’t seem one bit concerned about her situation.
Now it looks like whether I want to or not I will be taking on more responsibility. Eventually, ALL her responsibilities will be mine. Honestly, it’s not what I wanted but when I see how everyone is responding and all that needs to be done, I know that I would be doing her a disservice if I were to leave now.
Dream: Woman Lover
I wanted to mention one more dream because it seems to indicate continued healing relating to women.
This dream began inside a very large mobile (not permanent) home (self). My mom was living there and the family was gathered for an unknown reason. A dark haired, very attractive woman was there as well. She and I were attracted to each other. Before we met up, though, I was inside a classroom arranging what looked like swing sets for the children to occupy as I taught class. There was a baby swing that needed adjustment and I remember moving it and adjusting the height. My memory fades out here, though.
Then I am in a bedroom (private self) with the dark haired woman. It is my mom’s bedroom. The dark haired woman closes the door and invites me to come to her. We begin to make out. The sensations of kissing are very real. I remember enjoying her kisses, her mouth, very much. We end up on the floor next to the bed as we try and hide in case someone comes in. It gets really passionate but clothes stay on, though hands explore and there is a lot of touching. The woman resists going further and puts her hand to her lips saying “Shhh” as if to remind me we need to stay quiet. My mom then calls and we stop and I wake up.
When I woke up I was again confused as to having a woman lover but thinking, “At least this time she is full grown.” lol There was no disgust or resistance to the dream scenario. In fact, there has not been any such thing for all the similar dreams I’ve had with women. As far back as my dreams go, in fact, I have not had any considerations regarding women in that regard. It is like I always feel they are equal to men in a sexual/romantic sense. This is very different from how I am in waking reality, though.
As I woke more fully I wondered about the dream. A song came to mind as if to pass on a message. I specifically heard, “I want you to be happier.”
Music Message: I Won’t Back Down
It’s been an interesting few days. The energy has stabilized somewhat. I am sleeping better, my dreams often lost to me upon waking. I feel physically good but mentally bored. I long for a deeper connection with the world and with others. Interactions feel superficial in comparison.
Mostly I’ve been keeping busy. This often helps quiet my internal dialogue. I’ve been very physically active, running and lifting weights. Sunday I ran 13.2 miles and then yesterday I ran another 3.1 miles. When I run I don’t think. My mind goes quiet and all that remains is the present moment. It is such a relief! Thus the 13.2 miles on Sunday. lol It got me out of the house, away from the seemingly constant fighting and irritability of my children, and into nature under the wide open blue sky. I felt like I could have run forever until my calves started cramping and I realized my body wasn’t up for it. LOL
Yesterday, I started back working on my CES course (Corrective Exercise Specialist). I have until April to finish it and I do not like leaving things unfinished. Once I pass the test I will be able to use it with my personal trainer certification, if I choose to that is. I have not felt motivated toward that end just yet. However, last night after attending a group run, one of the group members complained of sciatic nerve pain and I showed him and a few others some stretches they could do to help alleviate the pain. One guy got on the floor with me to try it himself. When I showed them the full version of it (shoelace pose), the entire room stopped and gasped at my ability to seemingly contort my body into the position I was in. It made me laugh because 1. I don’t think of myself as flexible and they were commenting on how flexible I am and 2. I hadn’t expected so much attention. As a Leo I am at my best in such situations, so it was fun for me and felt good.
As I mentioned, dreams have been hard to recall lately, but I have had a few that seem significant.
Dream: Into the Vagina
This was a semi-lucid dream/vision. I had just awakened and then fell back to sleep and was in and out of the in-between. Someone took my hand and led me down into my own vagina (yeah really! lol). I entered into a dark tunnel at the end of which I saw a light. It felt like I was being shown something important; something healing. So, I was curious and did not resist.
I floated through the tunnel and found myself in a very brightly lit hospital. There were people, nurses and doctors mostly, hustling about. It felt very comfortable, as if I had spent many, many hours in this place. I remember encountering a female nurse who showed me a clipboard with paperwork on it.
Then I lifted up and floated to other areas of the hospital where I saw rooms with occupants. I never lingered in any spot very long. It was more like I was surveying the scene. As I floated I became more and more lucid and could hear a male voice in the background of my mind, as if he were whispering to me. I knew we were conversing and this peaked my lucidity which then woke me up.
After I awoke, the life where I was a nurse was flashing through my mind. I wondered if perhaps I was being shown past life memories? Maybe there was something from that life that is currently affecting this one, specifically my sacral chakra?
In that life I had been a black woman who worked as a nurse. I do not think I was paid well, nor do I think I got the recognition I deserved considering the era I lived in. I recall becoming infected with Hepatitis C from contact with a dirty syringe and later dying of liver failure. My children sang “I’ll Fly Away” to me on my deathbed in 1963. I had lived in Mississippi.
That was a very abusive life, yet also a very full and rewarding life as a mother and caregiver to others. Perhaps I was being shown the hospital to help remind me of the good I did in that life? Or maybe of my nurturing side? It is hard to know for sure.
Dream: Dog Race
I was traveling in a car with my husband. We were going to see a woman perform because my husband insisted. He was going on and on about all the reasons this woman was wonderful and there was no convincing him otherwise. I remember being irritated by his tendency to idolize and/or create role models out of others.
As we drove into the city I saw people walking toward the event we were to attend. A woman was dressed (projections, outward appearance) in what looked like a potato bag with a collar. My husband was commenting on how beautiful and elegant her dress was. I made a joke about how uncomfortable it must be to wear.
At some point we split off (different life paths), me alone in my own car. He went to the left and I headed straight. Suddenly, I came to a stop sign and had to slam on my brakes to avoid going through the intersection. There were only two ways to go: left or straight. I opted to go straight.
Very soon after making this decision I realized that I had gone into a circular drive (repeating cycle). I immediately began to search for an exit. The drive led to a dog racing track (looking out for self and own needs) and stadium. I could see the little dogs on the track and hear the announcer on the loud speaker telling the audience how much time was left until the races started. The countdown (feeling strapped for time) was very near zero so I had to find a way out.
I was not in my car during this time. I walked across a green area back toward the entrance. I dragged with me a plush sofa chair (laziness or boredom). Why I was carrying this, I have no clue, but it was with me until the end of the dream. When I got to the entrance I heard the races begin. There was a lady at the entrance locking up the gate with chains and padlocks. When I approached her, I asked where the exit was. She scolded me, telling me that the only way out was through the entrance and that I should have known that. I apologized and asked if she could open it, which she would not. Instead she suggested I squeeze through the gate and between the chains. I tried but said I was too tall and couldn’t fit. Clearly irritated with me, she opened the gate and let me through.
Relieved to be out, I walked to my right. The street was now gone and replaced with the inside of a very nice building reminiscent of a college (lessons). I walked down the hallway and sat on a bench, placing my sofa chair next to me. I waited there, wondering what to do next, and bothered by an itch in the middle of my back that I couldn’t reach (pun on itch that can’t be scratch).
I slowly began to gain lucidity at this time. A song was going through my head – You ain’t never had a friend like me. Along with it were images of my high school days when I was captain of the color guard. Good memories overall, I often smile at the thought of them.
When I awoke the song was on my mind as were the memories of performing the flag routine on a football field for UIL competition. Every time I hear the song I think of that moment and how exhilarating and exciting it was to perform with the other members of the color guard. We won the competition that year. We performed all the songs from Aladdin, routines we all collaborated on but that were mostly created by me. Thus, the sense of pride and accomplishment that comes with the memory. When I think of what it is to be a good leader, I think of that year and the amazing feelings that go with it.
As I lingered in bed, I mulled over the dream that preceded the song and wondered what it could mean. Immediately, my husband’s tendency to fixate on certain “awesome” individuals came to mind. He often asks me, “Who is someone you look to as a role model?” I never have one and usually say, “I don’t have any role models.” He can’t understand this and usually presses me, saying, “Think about it. Surely there’s someone you seek to emulate?” I always respond, “Nope.” When he continues to press me, I explain that I see positive traits in everyone, but also negative. There is no person who is “perfect”; all have flaws. Thus, it never made sense to me to select one over all others to be my “role model”. Instead, I tend to appreciate the good traits in those I associate with and work to better those things in myself. That is as close as I ever get to idolizing someone usually. And if I am honest, if I have ever considered idolizing someone I have always found some equally negative aspect in them.
Then I wondered about the end of the dream, how I sat there not knowing what to do. It brought up feelings of apathy about the future and other issues that have plagued me this life. I thought of the “dog race” in the dream and how it reflects previous dream messages – “go slow” and “go forward slowly, it’s not a race to the end”. There was again the feeling of waiting for something, for the years to pass so I could get to the “good parts”. There seemed to be so few of them.
I could feel my inner guide throughout this time, encouraging me to go to my center. This I did frequently, always feeling this comfortable place at my core and the warm energy that goes along with it. The feeling is similar to floating in warm water. No urgency. No fear. Just comfort and ease.
Then I noticed another song came into my mind – I Won’t Back Down.
At first I thought the song was about my husband. It definitely fit his personality. He is so stubborn and persistent!! But now I think it may have been a message to me to keep going, to not give up. Maybe it is both, though.
I am reminded of the years I spent living at my old address near my mom’s house in the country. We lived there 7 years. In that time there was a period when I wanted desperately to leave but no matter how hard I tried, things just didn’t work out. It felt like I was stuck there. There were periods when I despaired over the feeling of needing/wanting to go but being tethered to the spot for reasons unknown to me. I suspected I needed to stay for my mom, but really I had no idea why I had to stay.
Then one day a song came to mind – “7 years went under the bridge”. I don’t remember the whole song now, not even the melody, but that specific portion of the lyrics remains firm in my memory. I had no idea at the time that “7 years” was the key part of the message. 7 years was when the Kundalini suddenly began to return. 7 years was when we sold our house. 7 years was when my grandmother passed away. 7 years was when my third child was born. 7 years was when my mom remarried. 7 years was when I was hit with sudden Knowing that it was Time and I acted upon it.
That was 2014 and things really accelerated after that. But now they are slow again and I am feeling that problematic “stuck” feeling. Sigh. I know that familiar sense of Knowing will come again but when, I don’t know. If is is 7 years like before then I have 3 more to go and that seems like an eternity to me. But hey, if it is that long then I know it will arrive super fast because the older I get, the faster time seems to fly by. Today I’m 42, tomorrow I’m 60. lol
So, in the meanwhile, I’ll keep busy like I always do. I’ll finish my CES course. I’ll keep working. I’ll keep running. I’ll keep being a mom and I’ll keep learning the lessons this period in my life has to teach me. Hopefully, I won’t have to repeat any of them.
Melancholy
I just returned from a vacation with my husband. We celebrated our 11th anniversary by taking a trip to Rainbow Hearth Lodge which is located on Lake Buchanan. We stayed three days and two nights. The interesting thing is that on Thanksgiving, as I talked with my mom about our trip to the first state park on day 1, both my brother-in-laws looked at me in shock and told me they were going to be at the very same park at the exact same time. Neither had shared their plans with me or my husband as they knew we had a trip planned already. So, we ended up hanging with family on the first day of our trip all because of a “coincidence”. Ha!
The trip was fun and busy. We visited two state parks, running trails and hiking. By the end we ran over 16 miles and hiked around 4. In between we relaxed in our room and enjoyed the home cooking of the lady who owns the lodge while chatting with the other guests, a total of three women. Yeah, it’s a very small place and that’s why we like it.
We fished on Lake Buchanan the first day, after our visit to Inks Lake. I caught a black bass, about a 3lb one. Afterwards, my husband looked like he wanted to try so I handed him my rod and went to fetch another. By the time I got back he had tangled the line so I gave him the one I fetched and fixed the tangled mess. While I was fixing my rod he tangled the other one (a push-button) into such a bird’s nest that I started to laugh at his total lack of fishing know-how. He had been trying to fly fish with a regular rod and reel. LOL Ultimately, I gave up on him. I didn’t get another chance to fish but I was happy with my one. 🙂
Overall I had a good time. I couldn’t sleep the first night but crashed the second. I think the near 12 mile run did me in, but in a good way. I got my fill of nature, that’s for sure!
Dream: Tattooed Man
As I mentioned, the first night at the lodge I struggled to fall asleep. This always happens to me in new places, so I wasn’t surprised. Eventually I fell asleep but had a very odd dream.
I was aware of both laying in my bed and being outside with a tiny monkey (intuition, feeling playful) on my shoulder. The monkey was trying to get away. I saw a playground in the distance with kids on it. The kids wanted to play with the monkey so I let him go. He looked like a spider monkey.
In my bed I felt a man to my left. I assumed it was my husband. I began to feel the Kundalini energy stirring. It seemed like I was working with the energy, trying to build it. I remember turning to the man who I thought was my husband and waking him up. He rolled over and sat on top of me. He said, “Happy anniversary”. I couldn’t see his face it was as if someone had smudged it out or blurred it. I didn’t care, though, because my heart chakra was on fire and a trail of intense energy was shooting down into my root chakra. I grabbed onto his hips and pulled him to me. I saw him seem to stand up and touch the ceiling with his hands. He was enormous and towered over me, arms raised to the ceiling, palms pressed against it as if holding it up (could indicate strength, support). I could see tattoos (trying to get me to notice him, to communicate something) up and down his arms. They were in dark ink and some were very colorful. I can’t remember what they were of now, just that they covered the entirety of his arms.
When I woke I was in shock and my heart was still lit up along with my lower charkas. I knew the man from the dream couldn’t have been my husband. Who was he? Whoever he was, he made sure to wish me a happy anniversary on the day of my anniversary. The Kundalini gift he gave was awesome, too!
Message: Go Slow
The next morning, after a wonderful night’s sleep that was mostly dreamless, I woke up to a familiar and long-missed connection. My heart lit up and, honestly, it surprised the heck out of me. The energy of the connection swirled up gently from my root to my heart and into my throat where it seemed to get stuck. It felt very much like trapped emotion, trapped communication, yet at the same time I could feel this overwhelming love mixed with such sadness. It felt like mine but not mine, like it was shared with me and, thus, became mine also.
As is usual when I feel this connection I began to cry. It’s not from sadness but from joy. I felt/heard to not cry and was told “go slow” and that time was needed. As the connected faded (it started at 5:30 and went until sunrise), a song came into my mind:
Sometimes you picture me, I’m walking too far ahead
You’re calling to me, I can’t hear what you’ve said
Then you say, “Go slow“, I fall behind
The second hand unwinds
If you’re lost, you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you, I’ll be waiting
Time after time
Since returning home I have been depressed. Though the trip was a good one it felt a bit forced and as a result I felt that familiar emptiness inside expand to where I could not ignore it. We returned on Sunday and each morning since I have awakened to the emptiness. This morning was the worst.
Dream: Race to the End
This dream began with me attending to a pregnant (connection to motherhood) woman. I recall her being in the hospital and me standing up by her shoulders as she struggled through her labor pains. Mostly I remember the white hospital room and operating table that she was laying on.
Then I was running in a circle as part of a 5K race. Somehow I ended up separated from the group. The group was running on a track in a gym (learn from lessons). I could see them next to where I was. I was running on a track inside a room, like someone’s house because it had brown carpet (refusal to acknowledge something) and appliances. The pregnant women was sitting in a recliner, her newborn baby in her arms.
I kept looking at my watch (consideration of time) as I ran making sure that my pace was as fast as I could go. Unfortunately, the obstacles on my course kept getting in my way. I bumped the new mother causing her to yell out in pain. I said sorry but kept running, continuing to look at my watch. Eventually, I stumbled into a carpet cleaning machine and knocked it over. The liquid inside spilled all over the floor. The new mother went to clean it up and I stopped because I knew I had to help. I was frustrated, though, because I could see the others on the track continuing to run without me and I knew my time would suffer.
When I woke from this dream I was in an awful depressed mood. The empty feeling was very prominent and my inability to rid myself of it causes me much distress. My thoughts centered around how this place is not real and how everything I do seems to have no real point. I saw the dream as a reminder of how I am just running around and around in circles.
A song was going through my head as I struggled to be more positive. The specific part I heard was, “Well you look like yourself but you’re somebody else only it ain’t on the surface…”
At first I thought the song was just a remnant of yesterday because I had heard it in the car, but it continued to follow me throughout the day. When I looked at the lyrics I kept being drawn to this:
It’s like you told me
Go forward slowly
It’s not a race to the end
But the entire song is quite poignant. It’s about how we wear masks and keep our true selves hidden. Ultimately, I believe that is why I am feeling so sad since coming back from my trip.
I feel very, very much like I am in the wrong place….. time ….. life.
Living Life in Between 