Category Archives: Healing

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Dreams: Water Park and Archaeological Dig 

The energy lately has been interesting. I see posts and blogs all over the internet mentioning the energy shifting and the alignments in astrology being prime for making important decisions regarding “who we are”. Interestingly, I feel as if I experienced these shifts beforehand; anticipated them and so already did the work necessary to ride them out without issue. So when I read everyone talking about this or that right now – the energy is “moving” or “shifting”, they are tired, they are struggling with the intensity of the energy in various physical and emotional ways, I think, “Hmmm”.

Over a year ago I would have been there right along with them, reporting on the energy shifts, discussing my symptoms and how I’m managing, etc. Now I just don’t feel on the same wavelength. It is like I jumped up a notch to a different frequency. I’m not bragging or claiming I am more advanced or anything, just that perhaps at some point we move away from the majority and into our own “zone”. And really it does feel like soul families are doing this in groups, shifting into their own family “frequencies”. Sadly, some of my “family” members have not shifted with me. Many, actually. But then we are all on our own paths and just because we are not moving along together on the same wavelength now, doesn’t mean we won’t be later on.

It reminds me a dream/OBE experience I had not long ago where I was traveling along on the highway and I saw a soul family member off the road driving an ATV and doing his own thing. I knew his destination was the same as mine but he was taking the “long way”, paving his own path through the mountains, rocks and mud.

This current shift has me feeling quite good, clear and optimistic. I continue to experience healing Kundalini. Last night and this morning it was quite intense in my second chakra but I also felt it in my root, throat, third-eye and crown. The root energy was quite pleasurable. The rest of the energy just felt similar to a really strong Reiki treatment.

Dreams: Water Park and Archaeological Dig 

My dreams were strange and I can’t recall much of them now. There was one very vivid memory of being in a water park where the water had been turned off. I heard the water suddenly released into the park and I was trying to get to the bottom of the slide before it swept me away. I ended up walking along the side and avoiding the turbulent water which was quite muddy. There were moments I waded through standing water that was about knee high as I made my way to the bottom.

In another dream I was with a group observing this tower that looked like a circular space craft atop a pillar (like a space needle). A discussion was taking place about how the access had been blocked to the tower. A team would be sent on a kind of archaeological “dig” to determine what happened so long ago.

I remember visiting the inside of this space needle via my consciousness. It had been a research facility and all the old equipment sat unused and covered in dust. Someone told me that the scientists had discovered a rare species and were in the process of doing tests. The creature looked like a large segmented insect similar to a centipede or millipede. I watched the past play out in front of me. Two scientists, one male and the other female, were interacting with the creature. The woman was on the bottom and the man over the top seemingly floating. The creature crawled over the woman and connected to her at her throat. From there it grew this large pouch and laid it’s eggs there. The pouch was large and brown and grew in size over time.

While I observed this, my lower chakras were igniting with energy. My root became the most intense but I also felt pressure building in my second chakra.

Ultimately, the energy woke me and continued for a while after. The song, Black by Pearl Jam was in my mind. The part, “Tied [tattooed] to all I see, all that I am, tied [tattooed] to everything…” going over and over.

Considerations

The above song has come to me before but not with the words changed like that. It says to me that whatever I was “digging” up in that dream is tied to everything. It is directly influencing this life, my personality, my perspective.

The water park is a common dream of mine. I think it has to do with emotions and how I “ride them out”. In this case I try to outrun them and then end up walking beside them and observing them. I suppose this is not a bad thing. It is better to observe them than to be carried away by them.

The archaeological dig dream was likely about me digging into my second chakra issues and other blockages that are preventing progress. I have been doing self-healing, looking specifically at the second chakra and trying to untangle the energy there. I asked for more insight and I think the dream was showing me the depth of the blockage and what it is linked to. The space needle could be indicative of time and space, like an incident that is very old and not of this time and space. The centipede/millipede is about hidden dangers in digging up the past. The fact that it creates an egg sac on the throat of the woman is kind of creepy especially since I woke up with a sore throat. The danger is “multiplying” and creating issues at the throat chakra somehow.

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Intense Kundalini Healing

Tomorrow is the funeral for the man who set himself on fire in our old family home. My husband wants to attend but I have mixed feelings. Mainly I am hesitant because I don’t like funerals and didn’t know the man very well. However, I have also had a sense that this man is hanging around just outside my energy field. There comes with this sense thoughts of the fire, of him, of the circumstances of his death, etc.

Last night, in fact, he was close enough that I recognized him and heard him asking me to help him communicate with his wife because “she is in so much pain.” I told him I didn’t think it would help her at this time, especially if she is not seeking it.

He wouldn’t go away and I began to feel very concerned because his energy made me feel strange. He was telling me that he did not deserve what “heaven” had to offer him and I tried to tell him he did deserve it. I enveloped him in white light and he tried to resist it but eventually he allowed himself to experience some of it. I told him to be at peace he needed to accept the light. He thanked me but did not leave. I don’t think he is earth bound, at least not in the sense that some who pass become, but he could be at risk for it if he continues to reject the light.

Some of my dreams of late have been indicating that the use of my spiritual abilities will come up for inspection. Mediumship has been the most frequent sign from the Universe. Not only have I sensed the man but have also been asked in a FB group many questions about my gifts lately. With all the other strange things happening to me, I find that I have an illogical fear connected to tapping into my gifts again. I fear it getting out of control for some reason.

Anxiety Again

I had a really strange bout of anxiety a couple of mornings ago. It was the day I had two OBE’s (last post) and did not get much sleep. The coffee I drank was stronger than usual and made me feel loopy and fatigued. It reminded me of the jet lag only not as severe.

I did research on caffeine sensitivity and I have about every symptom listed. As a person gets older their sensitivity to caffeine can increase to the point of intolerance. The Kundalini also can make a person intolerant of stimulants like caffeine.

So, I decided to go back to half-decaf and wean myself off coffee. At this point it is the only thing I can do to exert some control. Hopefully it will lessen this very “wide open” feeling I’ve been having for a while now.

Kundalini

Along with all of the above the Kundalini has become more active again. Last night it awakened me in the middle of the night. It was not the bliss kind of Kundalini this time. Instead it was intense energetic healing to my sacral and solar plexus chakras. It was so strong that I often found myself holding my breath at times.

At one point the energy was very noticeable along my left side. It felt like it was following a channel up the left side of my spine. It spread all the way to the top of my head and the tips of my toes.

The energy lasted for much longer than I wanted and I finally told my guidance I was too tired and to tone it down so I could go back to sleep. They did as I asked.

Concerns

I have been feeling “off” and this has been going on for quite a while now. My dreams lately cause me to think I am interacting with different timelines. I often wake up confused or have periods of amnesia both within my dream and after I wake. The dream snippets I recall usually have multiples of the same person or are of me selecting specific paths to view the outcome.

My husband leaves on business travel next Wednesday for an unknown period of time. This worries me a bit because the last time he was gone I had so many panic episodes. As it is, I am sometimes feeling like I am barely hanging on to my sanity. I pray that it all settles down soon.

 

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A Return to “Normal” and Dream: Rattlesnake

It seems the past month or so was another lifetime to me now. It is so odd how different I feel. I suppose it was like my guidance said to me – “Welcome back” – in that I must have fallen into the darkness of my shadow self for a while, or something like that. I really do not wish to return there but I understand the purpose behind it and know that to resist it is not in my best interest.

Only recently has my guidance been more communicative and close, lending me their support and wrapping me in energy hugs. Song messages are returning as is nightly reassurance. This morning the song Right Here Waiting was prominent.

Dreamtime is becoming more active now as well, which is nice. I feel incomplete without my dream adventures, even if they are normal dreams and nothing exceptional. My dreams connect me with a part of myself that can be hard to contact during my waking hours. It gives me a glimpse into another world, one much more interesting and exciting than the physical world.

Recently, when connecting to my guidance, I perceived the other world I enter when talking with them. I can’t see it with my physical eyes. It is only darkness behind my eyelids. Yet when I look with my psychic sight I can see so much, only it is not bright and colorful as it would be in the astral. It is all shadows and seemingly imagination. I wished to see behind closed eyes like I see when I am exploring the astral realms and asked if it was possible while awake and fully conscious of this physical world and body. I heard that it was. Conceiving of such a thing is difficult for me, but what an amazing gift it would be!

I was reminded that belief determines the limitations of human existence.

Lately I feel a heart expansion is on the horizon. When, I can’t say, but I sense it and have had the Knowing many times over the past month or so, even when visiting that shadow part of myself. Somehow the diving into the shadow was related to this next opening. There is also a thorough discussion of my concurrent attraction and fear of desire going on behind the scenes. I am being asked to observe and explore the reasons behind this phenomenon.

At present my best understanding is that I am fighting a belief that desire is inherently “evil” or “bad” because it causes one to do, say, think things that lead to upset in their lives. Yet my individual experiences so far have shown me another side to desire, one that allows a glimpse into Self and to an expansiveness beyond the limitations of this existence. There is such curiosity in me to explore this part of myself that when I feel desire taking over I fall immediately into this space and bask in – I want to say “glory” of it.

So there are two parts of me at “war”. One clings to safety and sameness. She resists the call of desire for fear of the change that she believes will result. Then there is the me who feels to be dying from too much sameness and security, hears the call of desire and wants desperately to lose herself to it.

At this point I don’t know which one is better or worse or if to categorize them is the right thing. My best guess is to somehow find a balance between them, but even that feels wrong. Really, what feels right is that this is a process that will sort itself on its own without me having to do anything in particular but allow and fully experiences both sides of the coin (of me).

It’s the path of no resistance, of allowance and surrender that I must take.

My life will reflect back at me my progress. (ouch that one hurt)

The first thought I have is of my marriage and how, no matter what I try, my husband refuses to budge and insists that the best place for us is together.

Then I see my job and how smoothly that is going because I came to a decision about what I wanted and allowed it to be given, even if it was not where my human mind consider would be a good fit for me. Tossed expectation completely and just waited for my intent to manifest however the Universe decided to give it. Trusting fully that it would be what was best for me.

So, it is suggested I do the same with my marriage/relationship path.

That means to continue to focus on what I want and allow the Universe to give it. This means tossing expectation and trusting the Universe to provide.

However, with my career path I exited that which was unwanted and waited in a space of nothingness until what I wanted was given. I’m not sure I can exit the unwanted so easily this time around. Yet an exit was provided with career. I expressed what was needed for an exit to the Universe and it was provided.

Yes, it took time, but it happened as I requested/intended. No, I didn’t do it consciously for the most part. Imagine what can happen if I do it consciously….

Time and belief are the obstacles. Time in that it seems never-ending yet at the same time to be ticking away. Belief in that inner “war” I mentioned above.

I still have so many questions regarding this process but if I did it regarding career then I guess I an do it in other areas, right?

Dream: Giant Rattlesnake 

The dream began with me visiting an old school I use to work at. I wanted to see how things had changed. I walked through the halls and found stairs that were not there previously. These stairs connected the grade levels. I walked through the levels using the stairs and entered a 5th grade classroom where the students were being prepared for a test. I walked across the hall to another classroom. The students were not there yet and I looked around at their desks. The teacher then entered and we spoke. There was this general friendliness and acceptance of me from them which was refreshing.

The teacher talked to the students about the test and I gave them encouragement. There was a sense that these kids were extremely intelligent and being prepped for advanced levels. As they formed testing groups, I left via the back door.

The entire time I was talking to someone about what I was seeing. I never saw him, though.

Outside I walked around a courtyard that was greening up from Spring. As I walked across the grass something moved and I jumped. It was a large rattlesnake and it slithered quickly away. I turned and yelled, “Snake! Get all the kids inside!!” A man wearing a maintenance uniform went after the snake with a stick. The snake turned toward him to defend itself. As it turned it morphed into a monstrous thing that resembled a dragon mixed with an eel. It was bright green and long with a brown dorsal fin. It’s head was enormous and when it opened its mouth rows of sharp teeth were visible. Yet it only got as tall as a large dog. The man stabbed the creature in the head over and over again until it was dead.

I thanked the man and he smiled and told me, “You’re welcome. Just doing my job.”

We conversed for a while. He was the maintenance man for the school and had been 20 years on the job. I told him I use to work there and he might remember me. He said he did.

His appearance was not familiar to me. He was tall, with light hair and a nice smile. He looked to be in his mid-40’s or maybe 50’s. His waistline was widening with age and he was wearing a gray-blue uniform.

I remember sensing his energy and his interest in me. My reply to this was that he was too old for me. lol I don’t think he took it personally, though, it was like we conversed via our energy as well as with words.

Interpretation

Based upon some other dreams from the night, this dream is about my issues with desire (Kundalini) and wanting help handling what I consider something that can easily get out of control. Thus the rattlesnake turning into a crazy, monstrous eel-dragon creature. The other dreams from last indicate I am also afraid of having no desire, of feeling unable to contact the feeling and being numb. The Kundalini dream is connected to the teacher/counselor version of myself and the other dreams of fearing no desire are linked to my mother role.

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Dreams as Answers

I’m feeling more and more like myself again, which is a relief. Yesterday morning, in fact, I could barely contain the love and joy I felt just to be alive. It was refreshing and much needed.

Mondays and Tuesdays tend to be the better part of my week because I get to work from home while tending to my youngest. The days are mostly quiet and productive, my son is at his best because he gets one-on-one time with mommy, and I get some much needed me time (kinda). My mornings are slower and I can take my time, have my coffee, exercise or whatever. Work is a breeze and, though not enjoyable really, the repetition and lack of stress in my work is comforting in a way. It is just what I asked for and I continue to remind myself of just how blessed I am.

Speaking of work, I got a $1/ hour raise after only working there for 6 months. My husband and his brother both leaked to me that the boss wants me to take over the job of my late coworker, the one who recently passed from cancer. Though my husband pressed her to put me on salary, she told him not yet as she has a “plan” in mind to gradually ease me into the job so that I am more open to taking on the higher responsibility. She knows I am not keen on doing all the accounting my predecessor did and will likely turn down the promotion if offered (she is right). However, the promotion would entitle me to making nearly as much as I would have had I opted to stay in the education system but with all the pros I have mentioned in past posts (working from home the big one). Something to chew on….

Sadly, I continue to struggle with boredom, especially in the evening hours and I am not really motivated to do anything about it. Usually I would focus on spiritual practices but even these do not appeal to me right now. Surprisingly, I had some very in-depth and memorable dreams.

Dream: Time Change

The first part of the dream was spent talking with a man who felt to be my friend and associate/coworker. The discussion we were having was odd and is hard to recall now. I remember talking about an unexpected time change. The time change was like what happens during daylight savings only this time change was much more dramatic and caused by the position of the earth and the sun. The time change was causing much dis-ease because people’s bodies were not adjusting well. The change in time was so severe that to look up at the sun to judge what time it was would not work. I remember saying, “At noon the sun will not be right above our heads anymore.” The time change was around 8 hours and another four was anticipated.

The discussion then involved the planets. I explained to the man that we had to cycle through each planet to become whole. The description of how this worked was very detailed in the dream and at times it felt like the man was telling me, rather than me telling him. I mostly recall the visuals of this discussion. I saw the planets as if from above from a distance as they circled the sun. They were moving very fast so that their orbits were shown as blurs behind them. Each planet represented a part of the whole person somehow and eventually they would join to become whole. Every person contained all the planets within them.

It all made perfect sense in the dream but now I am confused by it, the visuals especially.

The next thing I recall I am helping others with preparation for the next time change of four hours. We were with a group of school children in a classroom helping the children prepare by getting them to rest. Someone said, “It’s 7:15pm” but outside the sun was high up in the sky.

Dream: Navigating Home

Then I was in a car. I was in the back seat laying down. The driver dropped off the person in the front passenger seat at a school. I recall being inside and walking toward the front office with several “students” who resembled kids I use to teach at the alternative school. Each of us was given paperwork and then seated at a desk. I watched as two male students began to fill out the forms. One was given a job straight away. The other sat and interviewed for a position. He was asked about his math scores and he said, “59.” The interviewer said, “Sorry. That won’t do.” The student begged him to reconsider and I thought about vouching for the boy by saying I was his counselor, but then reconsidered. It felt like if I did vouch for him that I would be taking on more than I could handle.

Then I was back in the back seat of the car. The driver said to me, “You’re the navigator now.” Feeling a little nervous, I got out my phone and began to try and get directions to my home. The driver asked, “Which way?” We were turning out of the parking lot and I said, “Right. We need to go right.” As he drove I continued to try to get the app to work but the address of “home” kept changing. I recall seeing odd addresses, one was in Fairbanks, AK.

I could see our path on the map on my phone. We were driving in the middle of a vast city. It felt like Dallas and I kept looking for I-35 but couldn’t find it anywhere. I kept tying in, “Home”, but the program was sending us to places I didn’t recognize as home. The path we drove seemed to go on and on into the unknown. It made me feel hopeless but the driver wasn’t concerned and just kept driving.

Dream: Church

The dream shifted and I was waiting in line with my mom and sister at a church. I was a bit confused at first because I didn’t know how I got there and didn’t understand why we had to wait in line. The church had all visitors get passes to come inside and it was a lengthy, time consuming process. I wondered, “Why don’t we just become members?”

An elder walked up to me and told me to come with him. He guided me into the main room. The ceiling was very high up with large beams across it strung with large chandeliers. There were rows and rows of pews with people sitting and talking quietly as they waited on the service to start. The man told me I was to join my mom and we looked for her. I spotted her across from us and pointed her out. She waved at us and I recall she looked very happy. The man nodded and then asked me to lay down on the pew to my right. I gladly did so and almost immediately fell asleep.

At this point the dream becomes semi-lucid as I slip in and out of sleep. I felt a heaviness as I struggled to wake up. Once when I did wake I saw the entire church was empty. I remembered the dream about the time change and planets. For some reason the dream triggered me and I began to cry. I felt so hopeless and homesick and tired. I remember hearing that I needed to rest and this upset me because I wanted to keep going.

I woke up with a few tears in my eyes thinking it unfair that I had to rest and heal yet again. It seems I am always resting and/or healing!

Dream: Kimberly

I fell back to sleep briefly. I became aware of being in my mom’s house standing in front of my sister’s old bedroom. The door was closed and I was told not to go inside but I needed something that was in there – a de-humidifier. I opened the door and saw it sitting by the bed. I also saw two dogs and noticed the carpets and entire room were wet. I closed the door before a dog got out but then decided to just go inside and get what I came for. When I did, the dogs jumped all over me. The carpet was moist and the entire room clean and somewhat damp. I realized my sister must have cleaned the room, carpets and all.

I let the dogs out despite feeling I shouldn’t. One of the dogs was a tall, standard poodle of a caramel color. The dog morphed into a little girl with caramel colored curls. She was very beautiful and about 8 years old. She stood in front of me looking a bit dazed, arms at her sides.

I remember wondering why this little girl was in my sister’s room and thinking my sister likely mistreated or neglected her. I asked her, “What is your name?” She said, “We don’t have names.” I said, “Sure you do! What is your name?” She said quietly, “Kimberly.” I said, “Hi Kimberly” and hugged her to me. I felt overwhelming compassion and love for her to the point of almost crying. For some reason I thought hugging her might be causing discomfort and asked, “Do you need to use the restroom?” She nodded and said, “I really need to pee.” I said, “The bathroom’s right there” and pointed. She turned and went toward it. I woke up.

Considerations

It feels like I was being given an explanation of what is going on now with Earth and ascension and with my individual path. Unfortunately, I can’t make much sense out of it. It certainly has to do with the sun and planets, but how I don’t know. That we have to go through all of the planets seems to indicate a time period. I want to say it has to do with an alignment of all the planets and this having to do with inner alignment somehow.

It is clear that I am experiencing a period of rest, healing and perceived delay. I feel unable to navigate home and there is a confusion as to where home even is. The last dream of the bedroom could be an aspect of self that is in a period of cleansing and not quite ready to open up yet. The little girl could be a representation of this aspect of self.

Overall, I feel the dreams are positive in that I at least have some kind of answer regarding what the hell is going on with me.

 

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Dream: Paper Sheets

In the early morning hours of the 28th of February, my coworker with lung cancer that metastasized to her brain, passed away peacefully in her sleep. She was 70 years old.

I knew that she had passed when I woke that morning. No one needed to tell me. I had struggled to fall asleep as it was and didn’t finally sleep until around midnight. My boss had talked with me briefly on the the phone earlier that evening and told me she had been asleep for over 24 hours and the hospice nurse had informed her that it would be any time. So my boss went to be by her side and sent the nurse home. She sat with her until she passed and has since been making all the arrangements.

Her funeral is the morning of March 8th, the same day my husband and I leave for Hawaii. It will be difficult to catch our flight but we plan on attending, staying a short bit, and then catching our flight to San Fran and on to Honolulu.

Though I am sad to lose my friend and coworker, I am more jealous that she gets to move on and be free of the burden of life. I always feel that way when someone passes away. And I really don’t want to go to the funeral. Funerals are for the living, not the dead, and I feel no reason to be there in person nor do I want to view a vacant body in a casket.

Calm

The night before last I felt a lightening of the energy, like a small amount of weight lifted from me. With it I remember saying to myself, “Something good is coming.” Nothing yet has occurred but the entire day I felt calm and relaxed.

The commute to work was uneventful and easy – like it is suppose to be. No anxiety or panic. In fact, I had an instance where it was quite surreal. A song came on I had never heard before – Have You Ever by Brandy.

The lyrics made me think of my physical counterpart briefly and in a good way. I did not react with tears or grief but instead felt quite pleasant. And as the chorus was playing I pulled up behind a large semi-truck and noticed the license plate was from Tennessee. Laughing to myself, I recognized the synchronicity of it. Not long after, other songs played in succession, that seemed altogether to be a message and by the time I arrived at work I felt relief and even joy. I remember thinking that maybe, just maybe, I had made it through the panic and despair to the other side.

Unfortunately, my stomach started bothering me toward the end of the day and I left early (again) and went home. The rest of the evening went smoothly but I was bored and passed the time watching videos on FB and in a hurry to get to sleep. I have gone through periods in my life like this where I can’t wait to get to bed each night and wish the days would just hurry up and pass. Sleep is my vacation and I very much wish I could sleep away my life at times.

Dream: Paper Sheets

I met up with my best friend who appeared to be the one from high school but at times another from later in my life. She had recently moved into her own apartment and was feeling really down and out so I had come to visit and offer my support.

When I arrived at her apartment I was trying to remember what it looked like and memories from waking reality were going through my mind. Inside, I found my friend and we talked a while. She told me she left her husband and was working a job during the day as a waitress. I remember mentioning half of my time was volunteer work and that I need to ask for money in return. I saw myself as a part-time tutor and briefly it seemed like my best friend was me.

My friend made just enough money to get by. I recognized that she was making her situation out to be worse than it was. She was doing just fine. She was sad and a bit down but I pointed out that if she held on she would get through the hard part. I saw her working and later upgrading to a nicer place and better pay. I saw her smiling and self-confident. She couldn’t see any of this, though, and continued to be sad.

It felt like I would be spending the night. I sat on a bed and my friend came and sat next to me holding something. She said, “I made this for you.” It was a long, green vine that was very long and twisted, with pink flowers and a small bird’s nest attached to the end. She showed me the nest and said, “It’s a nest for you.” I took the gift and looked closely at the nest and thanked my friend.

We then kissed one another and embraced. We kissed for a long time until my friend pulled away. I apologized but she was okay with it. I then asked her if she ever considered us to be more than friends. She said she had but she did not want to explore that possibility then and there. She was overwhelmed with life and the complications of it.

Suddenly, the front door swung inward with a burst of wind. My friend ran up to close it and said it was broken. I noticed it was swollen from water damage and that its hinges were rusted completely off. I pushed with all my might and secured it in the frame but huge gaps were visible and it could fall off any minute. I told my friend she should get management to fix it. She said it was like that when she moved in.

I went back to the bed where I would be sleeping for the night. Scattered across it were various square sheets of paper of various colors. I remember thinking it odd they were there as I curled up to sleep. I thought, “Paper sheets – ‘bed sheets’ of paper”. I kept looking at the door worried it would fall down but it never did.

Interpretation

When I woke up my lower abdomen was tender as if I had been receiving healing in dreamtime. The dream was vivid in my memory and I wondered about it. It is obvious that the “best friend” is a version of me. I can’t help but think she represents a potential path or part of myself that feels uncertainty about the future.

The most vivid dream symbol is the bed and the colorful, thin paper sheets all over the bed. Sheets in general represent the covering of unconscious and/or intimate feelings. Paper indicates a choice is about to be given to me in waking life. Being there are many pieces of different colored paper, it could represent all the various choices available to me. The paper is partially see-through, like tissue paper for a gift. So, perhaps, I am being shown potential parts of a “gift” or selecting what goes along with a gift. It is hard to say. The see-through aspect indicates I am getting a glimpse of the unconscious.

The door could represent access either being blocked or opened. The door is warped, meaning it was exposed to large amounts of water. Water = emotion. This indicates that emotion is hindering access in some way. The hinges are rusted and broken. Hinges represent the link between the spiritual and physical. I mention that the door needs to be repaired and worry the door will fall down. This suggests that I fear what is being kept out by the door. There is something on the other side I do not want to let in. This in itself represents my own blocking of something unwanted, but likely needed for healing.

It could also be that my “door” is broken from too much emotion and is causing me to struggle to maintain the balance between the spiritual and physical. Subconscious issues are seeping through and I am unable to differentiate between past and present emotion.

The next most memorable symbol is the vines with a nest made for me by my friend. A nest is protection, feeling at home, comfort and new opportunities. Vines represent ambitions, thoughts and/or ideas. They can also represent a clingy relationship. Pink represents unconditional love and nurturing.

Based upon this dream symbolism it seems I am being shown the source of the problems I have been having with anxiety, panic and overall “energy sickness”. There is too much emotion. So much that it is affecting my ability to maintain balance and manage the flow of emotion (the door won’t shut all the way). This emotion overload could be related to my heart being just too wide open or it could be the result of my refusal to confront and heal what it coming up. The positive side to this is my openness to loving myself which is evident in my embracing my friend in the dream and asking her to reciprocate.

 

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Digging In

Reached out to an online friend yesterday for some advice on everything that is happening with me – the strange “this is not my life” feeling, the anxiety and panic, the energy sickness, the high emotion.

We chatted for a long while yesterday and last night. Here is something she advised:

Well…if you don’t know what you want to do, but you want to be whole. I’d try my best to stop looking at anyone at all and focus back on you even though you’re so tired and not happy yet, and you feel like you’re getting somewhere then stay there and go within until spirit guides you elsewhere! It’s all about timing. Let the brain stop running circles on you. Maybe some cranial sacral would assist your thoughts! Clues!

The bottom line spiritually….from my guides and yours pow wow downloads they’re giving me. You’re getting caught in fear and doubt and your nervous system is telling you so and you need help. You’re not asking for help, you’re feeling alone. That’s your doubt of self. You need to learn new skills. Don’t rely on the kundalini it takes you up and out. Do something down here. You’re sort of on that line of fear often and you’re so sick of ‘falling’ or going backwards whatever language you use. But you need to embody. You’re flying all night and don’t want to come in fully. One foot in one foot out. There’s a way for you to change this you just won’t go there yet. It’s a place you delay seeing if you keep looking outside of you. All your tools are within you already and you’re just unfolding. Slowly. As one should. Pay attention to the nervousness. Sit with it. Where’s the fear coming from? From what? Where? Why? You already know. You just need to ask it, the body. Come. Into. The. Body! You’ve got outside in now go inside out.

There was much more but to summarize it was as I had suspected but not fully acknowledge. Perhaps as part of a temporary amnesia that I agreed to in order to fully integrate into the body and perhaps as a part of the remergence/reformation of ego, one that is more inline and in tune with my purpose and heart.

Earlier in this journey, I had similar panic episodes to what I am having now. They passed and were easier to handle but only because I observed them rather than becoming the effect of them. Similar to now, they would start with a sudden realization of my body, where I was, how I felt, etc. It was as if I shot directly into the body, grounded it in, suddenly and fully, which made all the senses almost painfully acute. Now, though, this perception remains for much longer and all the feelings are difficult to ignore. Thus, the panic episodes and feeling a need to run or get out.

It was advised by my friend to focus on the body, communicate with it and let it tell/show me what it needs. This was also what my guidance suggested and what caused me to have teary episodes on my commutes to and from work. I hate crying, though, so I stopped the feeling into my body on my commute and other trips. It just looks like I have more to purge and allow. I made the decision to keep looking, to keep listening, and try and resolve the residual grief and other emotions surfacing. I asked for help doing this prior to bed.

Last night I took a very long Epsom salt bath. Afterward I experienced a sadness that led to tears over the death of my dog, Trooper. Ugh! I cannot believe I am still grieving when he has been dead since 2012! Later I had more tears over my physical counterpart. The depth of the pit of grief I carry seems to have no bottom.

This morning my stomach is not happy. When I woke my back ached near my kidneys. Once awake it shifted to my intestines and I am back to similar symptoms as I experienced previously where my stomach hurts and I just don’t feel well. I will be staying home to work today if I don’t start feeling better soon.

Dreams

I slept very deeply with plenty of dreams. Once I was awakened in tears from a dream about Trooper. In the dream I was talking to an older lady with short hair who was taking care of him for me. I went to visit and saw him behind a fence made of panels of glass. He was very old looking and walking strangely, like he had been injured or was just crippled from old age. He leaped up toward me when he saw me. I was happy to see him but my grief got in the way. The woman and I sang together songs I can’t remember now and it seemed to help. She encouraged me to sing, so I did. She assured me she would take good care of him for me. I left him with her but broke down in tears as I departed. This woke me and I continued to cry.

There was another dream where I was with a group of people. We all seemed young, like 20’s. Myself and some others sat down at consoles and put on headsets to do our work. It was like we were physically plugged into the system somehow. I had just put on my headset when one of the men pointed out that something was wrong. I looked at him and some of the others and noticed their teeth were becoming shaded with gray and black. They all immediately took off their headsets as did I and the shading slowly faded. I remember being told it had to do with high radiation levels and to try again later. My own teeth were shaded and I felt a bit ill (likely physical seeping into my dream).

Then I was traveling on a motorbike along a country road with tall trees on either side. I took a sharp left and my bike suddenly seemed like a large, white work truck. As I turned around I felt a bit off, like I was confused or anxious. A young woman on a bike stopped me and asked me if I could give her a lift home. Her bike looked odd, like a four-wheeled type that was close to the ground. She told me her name and all about her family. I felt something was not right about her but agreed to give her a lift.

When we arrived at where she lived, it was the same place I did. Distrusting her, I took her to the entrance and used my key to open the door. I would not use the code in case she was trying to steal it. Inside, she asked me to help her locate her apartment but gave me a different name. This confirmed she was lying to me so I would not help her and made sure not to take her near my apartment.

Interpretation

When I woke I was really tired and shifted to lay on my back. My heart felt to be beating a thousand miles a minute but when I took my pulse my heartbeat was normal. It was odd. I had a headache and my lower back ached.

The dream about Trooper was likely to help me with the lingering feelings of guilt over his death. I saw him as old and decrepit even though I know that he is whole and happy on the Other Side because I have seen him before. The singing in the dream was likely to help me raise my vibration. The woman seemed to be his caretaker.

The teeth dream was strange. Teeth have to do with one’s feelings of control, or lack of it. When the teeth rot it is an invitation to handle unfinished business. To dig into those things that have been avoided and resolve them.

The last dream seems to be about my own distrust of myself, or an aspect of myself. The woman was young, married, with no kids. I recall telling her that she was lucky. She asked me if I was happy and I shrugged my shoulders. Thoughts of how exhausted parenting was and how I had so little time to myself came to mind. I advised the woman to enjoy her life – her “perfect” life. I told her, “Looks like you have it all.” When she questioned me, I said, “A house, a job and a husband you love.” I distrusted her story, though, as if I did not believe anyone could be happy with those things. In considering the whole dream, it feels like life has left me disillusioned. The “American dream” turned out to be a crock of shit and I no longer believe happiness comes from attaining it.

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Full Moon Blues

From physical imbalance and illness, to emotional upset and lethargy, this full moon is really putting me through the ringer! I hope you all are faring better than I am and experiencing bliss and high energy. If not, I am sorry. I’m right there with you.

Yesterday morning I was doing pretty okay considering. So good in fact that I completed an hour-long weight lifting routine. I lifted pretty heavy and pushed myself hard physically, which is my norm, but instead of feeling better for it, I felt “off”.

I began to feel light-headed toward the end of the workout, so, I took longer breaks and completed the entire sequence as planned. It got a bit scary, though, to the point of almost causing me panic because of how sleepy/zoned out I began to get. I did the normal stuff to replenish my body’s lost reserves – had a protein shake, hydrated and rested. When those things didn’t revive me, I decided to go with my body’s indicators that I needed more rest and took a hot bath to relax.

After my bath I felt even more tired and lethargic to the point that I just wanted to lay around. Ultimately, I ended up laying in bed crying on and off until I gathered up what remaining energy I could muster and made a nice dinner for the kids. I felt a bit better after eating and spent some time watching t.v. with my kids before heading to bed around 9pm.

Prior to sleep I had a glass of wine while watching more t.v. to distract and numb myself as best I could. It didn’t work. A particularly sympathetic feeling female guide began talking to me, asking me questions and sending loving energy hugs. That did it. I burst into tears. After several cycles of crying I was depleted once again and fell asleep.

Dream: Trip to the Mountains

The beginning of the dream is fuzzy. I recall talking with a man as we traveled toward the mountains. He and I made plans to stay at a cabin but I told him I needed to do something first and would meet him in the morning. I remember when I told him this he was disappointed but agreed.

I went to a hotel room where I met up with my daughter and her girlfriends. The sense here was that I had to finish up my trip with her before I could meet up with the man. I spent much of this part of the dream “cleaning up” the mess she and her friends made, repeatedly telling them to pick up their things and trying to gather all our stuff before checking out. There are flashes of memory of looking under furniture for things that might accidentally get left behind and finding a pair of my daughter’s sneakers. There was also this pedal with a wire connected to it that resembled the pedal to a sewing machine, only it was to a computer.

There is also memory of knowing I would be going on a hike with my daughter but I don’t know if I ever did. I just remember that I got so caught up in the things I needed to do that I forgot about my male friend and our plans. I no-showed and I’m not sure how many days/weeks it took for me to realize my forgetfulness.

When I woke form this dream part of a song was going through my head – “Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I’ll be…..” At the same time I was thinking of my marriage and how in 2015, after having a dream, I woke up with a decision to leave my husband – but I never did. I realized I had considered leaving him many times since but every time back pedaled for one reason or the other.

Depleted

I still feel completely depleted of all energy this morning. It is like the energy sickness only it has spread to my physical body. I feel ill but at a soul level. It is hard to describe but it feels like my tank is on empty and I am running on fumes.

The dream above is similar to another dream – OBE actually – I had a long time ago and was one of the last time my physical counterpart had visited me. My children were there and one was crying. My counterpart had been trying to get my attention but the need of my children for me was too much and I turned away from him. I chose them over him in the above dream as well.

I’m not sure if this dream is just showing me my focus or if it is meant to show me something else. All I know is that the feelings I am having are very difficult to deal with. It is such intense grief and loss that I don’t feel I have the strength in me to continue. I am re-experiencing some things that in the past were a struggle to get through. For example, I keep thinking, “This is going to kill me.” Then there are flashes of all these past lives where I have died from this exact kind of pain. In some I killed myself to escape it. In others I just lost the will to live and so died not long after.

All of these feelings are familiar. They haunted me most of 2017 but were especially difficult the last couple of months in 2016. It is the total decimation feeling all over again.

I asked – begged – my guidance to help me find resolution. Obviously death is not going to free me. If anything, death just perpetuates it. So then what? How do I reconcile it? Do I just continue living my life secretly carrying with me this kind of pain? Pretending I am okay when I’m not? To think of doing that is unbearable to me. I know I can’t manage it.

Somehow I fell into the in-between amidst the unbearable pain I was feeling. I was brought out of my reverie by a message I both heard and saw in my mind. The voice was familiar, the tone fitting. The male voice joked, “Now don’t be a [something, something] Jasper!” I saw it written out as if in an email as I heard it. Then I replied something like, “Who is Jasper?” but he seemed not to hear me. Instead, I saw and heard his reply followed by another message indicating I had not responded and him asking me why.

Now fully awake I was furious at him. He, of course, was making light of the situation, trying to make me laugh. I yelled silently in my mind that it was NOT a joking matter.

I figured the “Jasper” part was likely a message so I looked it up. Turns out it is fitting. See for yourself. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Extreme Anxiety

The crazy panic episodes are returning and I am NOT enjoying it one bit.

Friday I had a panic attack at a stop light on the way home from work. What triggered it? Realizing I was at the front of the line of traffic and thinking if I passed out everyone would be stuck behind me. My car felt suffocating. My heart was pounding in my chest like I had just sprinted a 100 yds. I wanted to jump out of my car and stand beside it until the light changed. As soon as the light changed and I was driving, the panic vanished. If I am moving, I am fine. If I am stopped, I could freak out for no reason. 😦

On top of that, I must have caught a stomach virus because my tummy doesn’t feel good at all. It is making my lower back ache and I have what my students use to call “bubble gut”. Ugh!

Yet I persevere. I have to keep doing what needs to get done. There are no breaks for me.

I decided to do the shopping since I had to put food in the fridge. My youngest accompanied me. We made a stop at Ross before grocery shopping. My stomach, which had been better, decided to grumble and hurt. I definitely didn’t feel alright but I pushed through it. A trip to the bathroom helped and we moved on but not before I ate a little something just in case my blood sugar got low (which it tends to do).

Wal-Mart was where we ended up next. I normally don’t go there but I figured why not? Turns out I was all spaced out through the shopping trip and by the time I was waiting in line I began to have that pre-panic feeling. Right there in line I felt like I was going to pass out and then I began to silently freak out because I did not want my poor little guy to have to go through something like that. So, I sorted my thoughts and got my panic under control and got the hell out of there as fast as I could.

I sat in the car a bit before driving away, just to get my wits about me. I had at least five traffic lights between the parking lot and home. Traffic lights tend to increase the likelihood of panic for some reason. Grrr!

I got home without incident and sat in the driveway as my daughter got the groceries. I warned her not to leave the door open or else Monty would run out. Sure enough, within minutes he darted past and across the road to harass a poor woman taking a walk. I had to jump out of the car and get him which was, thankfully, quite easy. He was growling at the woman because she was wearing bright red, over sized headphones. I explained it to her, she let him sniff her and everyone was happy.

When I got inside my stomach was really aching. It feels very much like what I felt when I had that gut imbalance plus a little bit like an intestinal flu. Imagine someone twisting your intestines and your uterus at the same time and you might get an idea of how uncomfortable it is.

With the strange panic episode, the faint feeling and stomach cramping I actually thought to myself, “I must be dying. I’m gonna end up in the ER.” I don’t think things like that often and I’m not really sure why I thought that except that something really feels “off”. I don’t like the feeling at all.

There is no logical explanation for the panic-like episode in line at Wal-Mart. To be honest, I am terrified that these episodes are going to generalize to more and more locations rather than just being isolated to one specific traffic light and section of road like they use to. It is already starting to happen but to shift from the road to inside a store? Gawd!

On the drive home I was thinking that I might be one of “those” people who can’t function anymore in society because being outside among people and in society causes them instant panic to the point of hysteria. The panic makes me want to sprint away from wherever I am. If I am in a car, I want to get out of it. When in line at Wal-Mart I wanted to grab my son and just walk as fast as I could out and away from the store.

It feels like the entire space I occupy is going to collapse on top of me.

WTF is wrong with me!?

It is likely this stomach illness and the energy I have been feeling in my lower chakras are linked. Fear is an emotion related to imbalance in the root chakra (security, survival). With everything going on in my life right now, my seemingly “secure” world being threatened, it might just be exacerbating things and panic is the unfortunate emotional side-effect.

This panic is extreme, though, even for me. Please pray whatever the *uck this is, goes away.