Category Archives: Healing

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Full Moon Skunk Encounter

I’ve been meaning to write but just haven’t followed through. I was waiting for something to shift, for my monkey mind to quiet down a bit more and for my body to feel less “off”. Yesterday all these things were beginning to line up and this morning it seems to be holding steady…..so far anyway.

Full Moon Skunk Encounter

But before I get ahead of myself, let’s go back to the 12th. I took Monty on a walk in the evening, just as the sun was setting. I saw the full moon in the distance so walked into an open field to get a better look. I stopped and marveled at its beauty, took a couple of photos and turned around to leave. That’s when I saw it. A skunk, walking toward me, nose down and completely unaware of me and my dog. Shocked, I stood and watched, knowing this was a message and to pay attention. The skunk lumbered toward me and Monty, happily feasting on grubs and oblivious to our presence. I took some photos and stuck around a while because I have never been that close to a skunk. I’ve seen them from my car but never without something between me and the skunk.

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Photo of skunk in low light so quite blurry but you get the idea. 😉 

The full moon itself marks the peak of a cycle. It brings illumination and clarity. It heightens awareness and intensifies dream activity. It brings insight into past patterns and assist us in using that knowledge to better prepare for the future.

The skunk’s main message is “do no harm”. It reminds us that there are times when we must defend ourselves, yes, but to remember to do so in a way that does not hurt or damage others.

In times where threats are not imminent, the skunk reminds us to be patient, prudent and silent. Like Mr. Skunk showed me in that field, sometimes it is best to mind our own business, to be self-assured and confident in our own path while allowing others to follow theirs. Mr. Skunk may have known all along that me and Monty were there observing him but he went his merry way to the point of coming directly toward us, tail in the air as if to say, “I see you but I am not afraid.”

Overall, seeing Mr. Skunk brought me great joy and I carried that with me all the way home, sharing the pictures and video with my family. My children were especially fascinated because to them a skunk was just an unpleasant smell. Now they know they are quite cute and almost….cuddly. lol

More Panic

Friday and Saturday brought more uneasiness and anxiety, unfortunately. I just felt overly aware of everything that was going on with my body. My heart space felt odd and that would lead to my focusing on the feeling and it increasing to the point that I would become nervous about it. My heart rate would increase and an overall ill feeling would come over me.

Saturday I asked my husband to go on a walk with me because the feeling was making it very hard for me to function. Thankfully the walk seemed to tone it down and all odd heart sensations vanished. They returned the end of the day on yet another walk but I was able to manage it, but I felt like a failure since I know it is my thoughts that is fueling the incidences.

Sunday I woke feeling much better. So much so that I opted to do a workout and see if I could avoid another exercise induced panic attack. I started with a walk. Sadly, the panic began to set in but this time I opted to sing a song to myself as a distraction. I chose a song my grandmother use to sing on her many walks – One Day at a Time. As soon as I started to sing a huge bubble of emotion formed in my chest and went up into my throat. I began to cry and the pressure in my throat released. I continued to sing, allowing the emotion to flow and suddenly it felt as if I were floating rather than walking down the sidewalk. I had the strangest sense that I was OOB and the world around me a dream.

I made it home and took a short break before continuing with my weight lifting routine, one I hadn’t done in over a week. The first part was rough, though, because every time my heart rate went up I began to panic a little. I kept having to talk myself down and take breaks. Eventually, though, something clicked. I remember the song One Day at a Time and the strange release I had during my walk. I went down stairs briefly and when I returned it was like I did a 180. I felt revived with zero fear and completed my workout with gusto. When it was all over I felt wonderful, as if I had slayed the anxiety dragon.

This morning it was so nice outside that I decided to do a short run-walk interval (about 20 minutes). I stayed close to the house and did the intervals without ending up in panic mode. However, when I checked my heart rate later when reviewing my run it had gotten pretty high toward the end, much higher than it should have been. Just seeing that my heart rate went so high with so little exertion worried me and so then I had to work through some rising pangs of panic. Thankfully nothing major. Obviously I have some issues relating to fear of death coming up that need to be sorted. The last thing I want to do is avoid future issues by completely ceasing all exercise. I just have to take it a bit slower and easier than I am use to and be kind and loving to myself.

Messages

Interestingly, my dreams over the weekend indicated some deep healing work was taking place, specifically on my heart. My guidance indicated that the work was nearly complete and to allow and thoroughly feel the emotions that were being released. There was incidences prior to sleep where I tuned into my heart space and got brief glimpses into the blockage there. When the emotion came up, it came up in spurts that lasted only moments. With each rise of emotion came tears, a feeling of pressure in my throat and a sense of release, as if my body was throwing off a heavy burden.

In those brief moments of release I made sure I paid attention to how the energy moved and how my body responded. The energy would rise from my core in waves, traveling up the sides of my body and converging in my throat where they would form a knot of energy. It seemed the only way to release the knot was to make noise – a sigh, a gasp, anything worked.

When the episodes passed I found myself longing for them to return. Not because I enjoyed the emotion but because I was fascinated by the process.

That same night I was asked by my guidance if perhaps it was time to “turn over a new leaf” and “start a new chapter” in my life. I am not exactly sure what this may be in reference to but message noted.

Realization

I recognized that the heart sensations I had been feeling were nothing unusual. I have felt them in the past. Heart chakra pressure and pulling indicating a blockage being released. I had felt them numerous times in the past. Yet for some odd reason this time around I associated the feeling with a physical body issue. Probably because the panic episode I had at the end of August felt so very much like I was dying.

I have been paying more attention to how the panic episodes make me feel. The feelings leading up to the attacks are generally a feeling of uneasiness, a kind of light-headedness, and then strange tingly feelings up and down my arms. Sometimes my head hurts and I feel tired or shaky, but this seems only to happen when my blood sugar is low. For example, the headache will come out of the blue accompanied by shakiness and if I don’t stop right then and eat something then I will end up with a pounding heart which causes the panic. Generally the panic attacks last no more than a 5 minutes unless low blood sugar is involved, then they can last much longer.

The full-blown panic attacks that make me feel like I am dying cause my heart to pound to the point of breathlessness and my chest to feel weird. The first one of those I had dates all the way back to 2003 (during meditation no less)! It makes me certain I will pass out and die. It is hard to shut down those kinds of thoughts but it is possible. Unfortunately, the whole experience leaves me exhausted and dreading it happening again.

I’ve had my most recent panic issues on and off for a while now (since 2016) – when running, when in public places, when drinking alcohol – but the panic attacks began to escalate after September last year. Since then I have been having more and more incidences of panic and they have been increasingly more alarming. My best guess is that a massive clearing began at some point last year and has been in process ever since. It feels like yet another layer of crap being released. I can only hope that what my guidance has been telling me – that it will be over soon – is true.

 

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Almost There

I’ve been sleeping very deeply so my dreams escape me when I awaken most morning. This morning, I woke early and upon returning to bed I mentioned that I would like to remember my dreams. My request was granted.

Dream: Fish Aquarium and Peacocks in the Sky

In this dream I was inside my Mom’s house. There was a fish aquarium (emotional state, controlled situation that is safely contained),  in the corner up on a stand. I remember this was the focus of my of my attention throughout the dream. I remember going into the back room (which was there in the late 80’s and early 90s and later demoed). When I looked back I saw something was wrong with the aquarium. A dark cloud of debris (negative situation) was forming in the center. I went to take a closer look and saw that the aquarium had fallen on its side and the contents of the filter got into the tank. I immediately worked to fix it and spent a long time looking for more stable stands for it to sit on. I could not find one that was stable, though. Everything wobbled. Ultimately, I set it on the floor in the corner because it was the only way to keep it from tipping again. Still, though, the soft carpet made it wobble some and this bothered me and distracted me. There was a feeling that some kind of darkness or negativity would come in and push it over but there was nothing present to suggest anything or anyone was around to do that.

Eventually I went outside, noting the back room and the starkness of it. It was shifty and obviously there only from my memory of the past. Those times were upsetting for me being I was only 12-13 years old.

I went outside and sat by the pool, looking up at the sky. It was dark outside and the sky was a strange shade of purple mixed with gray. I think my older sister was there, or else she was mentioned. The whole time I was focused on the sky and how it shifted and tumbled as if a big storm (upset in life) was forming. As I watched the sky I saw a beautiful peacock (rebirth, renewal, hope, success) flying through the sky, only its wings never spread but remained by its side. I pointed up and said, “But look! There are peacocks in the sky! I love peacocks!”  The peacock was bright and had a bubble of light around it that broke through the stormy clouds as it streaked across the horizon.

Then my Mom was talking about taking a group of people past our back fence (barrier) into another area. I saw in my mind a group walking through trees in low light but when they reached the fence the other side was clear and bright. I recall hearing, “Once we go past the property line we will be free.”

Dream: Almost There

In this dream I was inside a room. I can’t recall any details about the room. A conversation was going on between myself and a man. He was asking me about my work/job. What I recall about my “work” was that my purpose was to sleep with men and then give them an honest accounting of my experience and let them know what they needed to improve and what they excelled at. The man speaking to me was questioning my work. I felt I needed to explain that what I was doing was helping these men so they could learn how to be better lovers. The man talking to me was convinced but upset.

I remember three men stood in front of me. I had slept with all of them and given them an honest account of my experience with them. I remember turning to an older black man and complimenting him saying he was the best of the three by far. The older man was very humble and seemed surprised by my appraisal of his ability. I remember knowing that sometimes I had to tell the truth even when it was not wanted. The example that came to mind was telling a man his genital area was unexceptional and small and that he needed to compensate for that. lol

Then just me and the man I was talking to remained in the space. I could see the man very clearly. He had messy blonde hair and wore round spectacles (clarity, insight) that were a bit too big for his face. He seemed very young to me, maybe 20s. The man was concerned still about my work and seemed to be a bit whiny and insecure about our relationship. I spent time reassuring him while kissing him and laying very close. I could feel our connection at the heart. In my memory the feeling of our connection is calming and beautiful but I can also see images, like spots of color that moved and blended and breathed. The image took the place of all other images in my memory, as if we were the color and had no bodies at all.

I lay on top of him, kissing him and telling me he had nothing to worry about. I remember that he was naked and upon recognizing this, I pulled back to take a look. He was indeed naked and his male parts completely soft. I realized he was impotent and took note of this for later. My lucidity was peaking and so I was noting things to take back with me into waking reality.

I lay back on top of him, my chest over the top of his, and continued to kiss him gently and reassure him. Our connection would spark up and spread and then die down only to spark up again. The energy felt somewhat like popcorn as it burst, rose and fell.

There was this clarity that came to me then, and I realized that my work was nearly complete. I said to him, “There’s just one more step. We’re almost there. Just one last step and I’m done.” With this is a feeling of relief, as if I was feeling what he was feeling. I could also see the progression of the path I/we had been on and very clearly the last portion of the path ahead. It was so brief a glimpse that my memory is just of a flash of a road map, as if viewed on a small paper held in my hand. There is a greenish glow to it.

When I woke a portion of a song was going through my head, “Wanna have you near me. I wanna have you hear me sayin’, no one needs you more than I need you.”

It felt as if the dream was me talking to a part of myself, the masculine aspect, who currently feels impotent and unable to effect change in the way he wants to in life. The feminine part appears to be helping others see themselves. This is her “work” and how she helps others. She is explaining this to the masculine side who is attempting to get her sole attention. The answer she offers is that she is almost finished and on the last step or stage of the journey.

Considerations

Together the two dreams suggest a period of uncertainty and powerlessness that will eventually end. This is somewhat of a relief but then endings usually mean another beginning and there is such exhaustion felt right now that I struggle to look forward to yet another beginning.

Just last night I was thinking of how my life might look if it were a chart or graph. The up’s and down’s graphed as waves and troughs. The low periods lasting much longer than the high periods. So perhaps this thought bled through into my dreams.

Health Issues

This week I had an incident that has left me a bit shaken. As you may or may not remember, in the past I have had low blood sugar attacks when working out that led to major panic attacks from the fear of passing out or worse. This all began in 2016 and has ebbed and flowed, getting better for a time only to return.

Well, on Wednesday this week I was exercising and suddenly my heart rate spiked and would not come down. I had to stop and lay down and wait for it to pass. The entire time I was taking long, deep breaths but no matter how deeply I breathed it felt like I wasn’t getting enough oxygen.

Once recovered I ate a handful of peanut M&M’s and decided to run a bath to relax but some random family things occurred that caused me to get irritated and my heart rate spiked again. This time it stayed elevated for way too long and I got scared that I would indeed pass out or worse. I called my husband and stayed close to the floor as I waited it out. My husband texted back that he was on a conference call and so I asked my daughter to bring me up some peanut butter crackers.

When eating the crackers I realized I had absolutely no saliva so had to crawl to the sink to get water. It was the strangest thing! I sat on the floor in the bathroom eating and drinking my way through about 15 minutes of racing heart, dizziness and headache until finally I started to feel more normal. By the time my husband came home I was better, soaking in my bath. It was not until then that I starting crying.

The whole experience really shook me up. Panic attacks always do but they never last more than a few minutes, max. This was over a half hour! The feeling of not getting enough oxygen was the worst part. It felt like I was drowning. Every breath a gasp for air that seemed not to fulfill my body’s need for oxygen. Heart pounding in my chest, light-headed, and terrified that if I passed out I would not wake up.

Two days later, feeling fully recovered and well fed, I attempted to workout again, going slowly through the workout and taking longer breaks. Yet still my heart began to race and I had to lay down and breathe through it. Thankfully, it lasted only a couple of minutes and I was able to complete my workout without issue. This time it was definitely panic and not blood sugar. It may make working out from home difficult from here on out as environment tends to trigger the panic. 😦

Last night I noticed my heart was fluttering a bit, which it tends to do now and again ever since my first pregnancy. Despite knowing it is totally normal for me, it made me worry a bit and my mind started racing thinking of all the “what if’s”. What if this is it? What if my body is giving out? What if all the Kundalini, OBEs and other crazy spiritual experiences have taken a toll? My heart does tend to race when OOB and sometimes I have struggled to breathe, gasping for air. My guides have even warned me that going OOB can strain the heart (or my heart anyway).

And then I thought that I would be fine if this was it. If a doctor suggests I get on medicine like my mom I won’t do it. If surgery is suggested I won’t do it. I am fine if this is the beginning of the end. I just don’t like the panic part. Maybe I can move through the panic by holding onto the thought that it is only temporary and better things await around the corner? I did decide that when open-enrollment comes around at work that I will get coverage just in case. Then, if ever I do pass out (God forbid), the ambulance and emergency room will be covered.

And I went to sleep happy with whatever the outcome.

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Cleansing Dreams and June 13th Message

Experiencing the drowsiness upon waking again. I must need the sleep.

Dream: Penguins

The dream began with me standing on a beach. The water was clear like a swimming pool. The waves came in slowly and rhythmically.

Suddenly, a flock are very large, gray birds swooped in and landed in the water. They had with them their young and as I watched the birds all began to resemble penguins. I yelled to my son who was with me, “Look! They must prefer this water because it is so calm and clear!” I watched them for a while, fascinated.

Then my daughter came running from around the side of the water. She was yelling and waving her arms to tell me she was there. I immediately motioned for her to stop. I didn’t want her to scare away the penguins. She didn’t stop and the water began to foam and the waves crashed into the beach, all previous rhythm lost. The penguins remained but I could not longer see them clearly through the foamy water. Eventually they retreated too deep to see.

I entered the water to get a better look and ran into a young man who was wading through the water. He saw me and said, “I know you!” Then he lovingly grabbed me around the waist and tossed me very high into the air as if I was a tiny child. I could feel the sensation of falling back down.

Dream: It’s Okay to Cry

Then the scene shifted and I was walking into a bathroom (cleansing and renewal). An older man was with me. His hair almost completely gray but his face indicating he was much younger. He was smiling and I knew he was the man from the water. He said, “Have you met my family? This is…..” and he went on to introduce different members as he walked past me into the bathroom.

Then I was inside the bathroom heading toward a stall. It was locked and I asked loudly if they were always locked. Someone called out, “Just open one.” I approached a stall and as I reached to open it, it opened and a woman came out grumbling about not being able to poop because of some medicine she was taking.

As the woman walked past me I looked more closely. She was covered from head to toe in white towels (protection). Where her skin was exposed it was red and raw as if it had peeled off. For some reason I knew she had cancer. I stopped her to ask her if she needed a hug. She turned and looked at me and said she didn’t, that she was okay. I said, “Come on. Hugs are good.” She came close and was talking, making excuses for this or that and making little sense. I wrapped my arms around her and gently pulled her toward me, hugging her close. She kept talking about things I can’t recall now. I could feel the thick towels and worried I would hurt her raw skin but I kept hugging her saying, “It’s okay to cry.”

Eventually the woman began to relax and emotion was evident in her voice. I only recall that I kept encouraging her to cry and continued to hug her close to me. The more emotion I felt from her, the more emotion I exhibited. Eventually I was sobbing as I was saying, “It’s okay to cry.”

Another woman walked into the bathroom and interrupted us. The women wrapped in the towels thanked me and left. I turned back to the stall she had been in and entered it. Inside there was no toilet, just a small hole in the ground. Used toilet paper surrounded the hole and it was quite dirty.

The women who interrupted us was waiting for me as I exited the stall. She resembled someone I went to high school with who was very tall – 6ft. The woman spoke to me about the women wearing the towel. I can’t recall what we talked about but whatever it was sent me back to the moment I was hugging the women and I began to sob. The emotion and tears woke me up.

It took me a while to get myself together. The emotion felt cleansing so I allowed it. The whole dream sequence felt cleansing.

A song kept coming into my head. The lyrics, “Wait if I’m on fire, how am I so deep in love? When I dream of dying I never feel so loved.”

Considerations

I slept for about 10 hours and when I woke I wanted to sleep 10 more. My body felt so relaxed and free from pain and I kept shifting in and out of the in-between.

I remember thinking about the part of the lyrics, “When I dream of dying…”, and thinking, “Funny, but I rarely dream of dying.” For some reason I kept thinking I might die soon but I was not concerned about it. It was just a passing thought that really didn’t feel to be mine.

There was a brief consideration about what would happen when I did. It seemed that my dreams would become my reality and there would be no more physical reality to interrupt them. I liked the idea and remember listing out all the things I hate about being in physical reality. I said, “It’s so heavy here. I hate feeling heavy all the time. I won’t miss that one bit. I hate having a body. I hate having to eat, to drink, to use the restroom.” Then I thought some more and said, “It’s not the body I hate really. I like this body. I just don’t like the survival part. I really hate surviving.”

I had a distinct feeling of what surviving feels like. It is a constant fear of the alternative – death – that is always there. Even when I am well-off, when I have all I could ever need, the feeling is still there, looming in the distance, reminding me that at any moment I could lose it all and be back in a position of scrambling to avoid death. And all the feelings that accompany the downward spiral toward death are feared – pain, despair, hopelessness, abandonment, hunger, starvation, cravings, and feelings I don’t even have words for – all the ways the body degrades as it heads toward inevitable death.

As I mull over all of this now, I wonder if I was being shown why I often ask for death when I am feeling tired and worn down by life. Death is an end to survival and to be free of survival and all that comes with it would be glorious.

June 13th

Though I haven’t written about this yet, I have had several dreams and incidents relating to this date. The first dream was on May 24th. In it I was with a man who I was dating in secret. We ended up at a ceremony inside a chapel where a huge bonfire was set. The dream ended with us playing a board game and saying our goodbyes. He left saying, “See you in three weeks.”

A week later or so I had another dream where I was having a conversation with my SIL. In it she said I had told her June 13th would be when something would happen. I can’t recall exactly what I told her. All I woke remembering was the date.

At work the next day I was thinking about the date. It felt familiar but I couldn’t figure out when I had heard it or why. As I sat at my desk I saw a flier I had been given a week prior. The date on it was June 13th. It is the date of a pool party being held for all the employees.

Still, it was odd and I couldn’t help but think of the message, “See you in three weeks.” The time frame matched up almost perfectly.

Then on Friday the same flier was sitting on my desk. I scanned over the date on it while in a bored state and read it silently to myself but rather than read what was actually there – “Thurs June 13” – I heard myself read, “Thumbs up.” At the time I was not fully aware of it happening until the “thumbs up” message seemed to repeat. Then I shocked back into present time and thought, “What?” and re-read the flier to make sure I was not seeing things.

So I guess I will see what happens on that day. Maybe nothing at all.

Penguins

The above dream is the second dream I’ve had in a week about penguins and clear, relaxing water.

On the same day I had the dream about June 13th (the one with my SIL) I had a dream about miniature penguins.

I had a dream of going on a trip to an island full of tiny, black and white birds that reminded me of miniature penguins (problems are not as big as they seem, keep you cool). I was on a boat (emotion) looking down in the clear, aqua-blue water (clarity) as they swam in the wake. I put my hand in and touched one. I was fascinated. They were about six inches long.

On the island I took pictures of them. They were everywhere and I had one of those Kodak disposable cameras.

The penguin dream I had last night was of much larger penguins and their babies. Again, I was fascinated by them and my memory of the dream was as if everything slowed as I focused in on them.

Penguins are not creatures I normally see in my dreams. I can’t remember ever seeing them before. They symbolize change, adapting to change, expecting the unexpected and solving problems in unconventional ways. For more information about penguin symbolism check out this website.

 

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Energy Reveals Trauma

The past week I have been sleeping very deeply and waking up in the mornings feeling as if I took a sleeping pill prior to bed. It has been very hard to get out of bed and my dreams have been difficult to remember. This morning, however, I did not feel overly tired upon waking and had some very memorable dream experiences.

Dream: School is Out

This dream is hard to recall now. I remember being inside a school. I was going to a classroom to help with the party. There were gifts for all the children lined up along the walls of the classroom. It felt like a mixture of the last day of school and the day before Christmas break.

The next thing I remember is standing outside with a couple of other people. I was with my partner who I think might have been in uniform, maybe a police (protection) uniform because it was blue. There was a woman and her partner with us. We were all smoking cigarettes (change needed). It felt like the woman and her partner were to be on our “team”, like part of a group. I was giving the woman advice. She had horrid anxiety attacks and I was telling her to use the tools in her toolbox like deep breathing and visualization. In my mind I could see how the tools, when used consistently, would lead to a lessening of the anxiety attacks. The woman eagerly listened to me and my advice, smiling and relaxing. In the end I put out my cigarette. The visual of putting it out and seeing the butt (end of a process) is very vivid.

Dream: Car Junkyard Spring

I was walking through a junkyard (repressed fear, anxiety) with my husband and one of our children. I could see old cars scattered here and there. The soil was light, like sand, and there was a deep pool of water (cleansing) that was springing forth from the ground. We got into the water. It was deep and cool. I believe it might have been muddy but that also could have been the color of the sand as seen through clear water.

While in the water I was looking at something my husband was working on that was sitting on the side of the pool of water. There was white paint (fresh outlook) that I took and painted the thing with. It might have been a boat but I don’t know now. It was about the size of a house cat. My husband came over and grabbed it, getting white paint all over himself. He was not happy about it and I told him I had painted it like he asked.

Then I was walking around looking at the place. There had been a lot of rain and the pools of water were quite high. I saw an older couple walking toward a section. They got in and disappeared from view. I noticed a large, hotel (period of transition) was built in the middle of the junkyard. It was yellow and tall and very few people were there. I wondered why they were not clearing out the junk and utilizing the spring.

I walked inside the hotel and it was practically empty. I walked past a laundry room (cleansing) and then an office. Inside was a lady at a desk. I asked her if she owned the place and had ever thought of buying up the land around her to make use of the spring. She seemed annoyed but explained that she used her part of the land and her family owned the rest. I told her about how the springs (unconscious mind, soul experiences) made me feel. I said they were “magnetic”, and “energetic” and “healing”. I told her, “If you ever are interested in allowing people to gather here to make use of this place, I would love to come.” Again, I emphasized just how wonderfully spiritual and healing the waters were. Something in my words triggered tears and I woke up sobbing.

I continued to cry after waking and had to get up to blow my nose. Somehow I was able to fall back to sleep.

Dream: Advice

I was standing in a shifty gray space. There was a car and some people. I overheard an argument. Someone was trying to keep a woman from doing something. I remember yelling, “STOP!” They did.

Still at the car scene and still not able to see well in the shifty environment, the man by the car began to converse with me. He was someone I knew and resembled the blonde guy on the show Supernatural. The discussion is hard to recall now but from what I recall we were discussing how he needed to get back to this woman he knew. He said that he had never felt such a strong connection with anyone, not even me. When I realized he said he had not felt a strong connection for me I said, “You did with me. You said you did.” He went on to describe this three-way love triangle type situation that involved himself, a woman and another man. They all felt the magnetic connection and bliss for and with each other. I remember seeing a photograph of them together, sitting on a sofa, entwined in each other’s embrace, faces revealing the bliss they were experiencing. I missed that feeling.

At some point I began to hear static, like a radio station, and music began playing very loudly in my ears. I felt as if I was wearing earbud and tried to adjust the volume. The scene shifted as I did this and I was walking into a brightly lit bedroom (private self). There was a large, queen sized bed in the center that was unmade (indecision). Toys littered the floor. The room was a mess.

I continued to talk to the man from before through the noise of the radio station blasting in my ears. I was asking him what his plans were. Was he going to go to NY?

As I waited for his response, a radio DJ’s voice was very loud in my ears and I remember being annoyed because it was keeping me from hearing the blonde man. I quickly made the bed (conclusion to issue) in the room, propped up a pillow and sat down, legs stretched out in front of me.

The blonde man answered me by telling me that I needed to go back to the introduction or beginning. He described it as the “easy” part, saying that one must get really good at the “easy” part before moving on to the next parts. In my mind I saw this large section of life. It was like a bubble, but thicker and bluish. I could see into it but there was nothing inside. Completely clear. This section was the “easy” part, the part that one must go through and get very good at before moving onto the next part. When I saw this and heard his words I understood completely and responded with, “Yeah, that makes sense.” At the time I was thinking how to be good at anything you must master it and that this introduction period, or easy period, is an opportunity to do that.

As I mulled over what I was told the radio station again got very loud. I turned it down and relaxed into the bed which began to moved back and forth ever so slightly as if I was laying on a raft in the water. I fell into the feeling and as I did a rush of ecstasy shot up from my root chakra into my lower chakras. It came in waves that were very intense and fast. As it rose I was hit with a mixture of pain and pleasure that ultimately woke me.

Energy Reveals Trauma

When the feelings subsided an energy lingered in my root and second chakras as well as in other places like along my spine between my shoulder blades and my third-eye and crown. A slight pain lingered in my second chakra area, it was achy like I was raw from having way too much sex. A song was going through my head – Why don’t you just meet me in the middle…

I decided to feel into the sensations of my body to see if they would tell me anything. The achy feeling stayed despite my feeling into it. I felt very tight and restricted on the inside, like the energy had forced its way into my second chakra and left it stretched and inflamed. The feeling seemed to be telling me that this sensation was the result of a physical assault, rape and trauma. Though the initial painful pleasure of the rising energy didn’t make me feel violated in any way, the after effects brought on a memory of being violated. My body’s response was to try and keep it from happening again. Energetically this would result in a restriction in flow in the second chakra.

The dream with the man and the strange love triangle may be a hint to the past trauma. The man I was talking to seems to have been someone I felt a magnetic attraction to. The feelings that I am able to contact from the dream were that he rejected me in some way and then denied our connection. There were hints of anger and betrayal but also upset over the fact that he was more interested in another and seemed to not even remember or even acknowledge what we had together. Finally, there was a sense of being invisible to him.

As I lingered in the in-between another song came to mind. I heard distinctly, “listen to your heart.”

 

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Hello Insomnia, My Old Friend

For the past week I’ve been struggling to get to sleep at night. I’ll go two or three days with four or so hours of sleep and then, exhausted, sleep a full 8 hours or more. Then it starts all over again. Last night I was not able to fall asleep until past midnight despite going to bed around 10pm.

I’ve not been able to specifically pinpoint the reason for the insomnia yet. My mind isn’t overly active and, despite initial upset the first few times I experienced the insomnia, I am pretty relaxed and unconcerned about the lack of sleep. But even my body doesn’t feel tired. I am just AWAKE.

My best guess is that the insomnia is linked to the man I mentioned in a previous post, the one I connected with last August who just recently reconnected with me. We have been communicating daily since around April 7th. We are very tuned into each others energy and as a result I think my sleep cycle has been impacted by his. He tends to stay up late into the night working.

Last night, finding myself wide awake yet again, I decided to use the time to meditate. At first this proved difficult so I began to work with my energy. I began moving it from crown to feet and then cycling it back through over and over. Eventually I changed direction, moving my energy from feet to crown and back again. Throughout I focused on my third-eye and touched my tongue to the roof of my mouth as I breathed deeply, inhaling as the energy moved through my body and exhaling as it reached the top/bottom.

Hypnagogia and Short OBEs

With all the meditating and energy work, it is no surprise that the next thing I recall is an odd dream where I was walking along a creek looking at a creature I can’t recall. Something about the dream spiked my lucidity and the scene was replaced by very vivid and colorful hypnagogia (3D, movie-like moving patterns and shapes behind closed eyes). This hypnagogia reminded me of the Flower of Life except the circles that composed it rarely overlapped. The circles were various colors, all pastels and identical to the chakra colors. Each colored circle was spaced equidistant from the others, separated by numerous circles with no color. The entire image moved and breathed behind my closed eyes, seeming to flow along with my energy field which was vibrating quite noticeably.

There was a strong sense that this hypnagogia was different than other times I’ve experienced it. It seemed I was being given the opportunity to heal myself somehow. Yet, I did not recognized this straight away. Instead, I shifted OOB. It was seamless, as if I breathed myself out of my body.

I found myself in an unfamiliar house. A man was with me. I remember seeing him in front of me walking but all I recall of his form was that he was pale white, like ethereal; ghost-like. He was very obviously someone I knew because I felt connected to him, like he was friend or family.

The house we were in was as odd as he was. It seemed composed of walls but the walls were without substance. Yet they were dark and seemed solid. It was like we were inside a hologram of some sort. I could see through the walls if I chose and when I did they appeared to waver and shimmer.

I recall holding the man’s hand and then stopping and turning back. Memory of the hypnagogia came to mind and I knew that I needed to get back to that state. That I needed to take advantage of the opportunity to heal myself.

I let go of the man’s hand and shifted back into my body. I remember thinking about my heart charka as I did this, as if I knew healing was needed there.

As I returned, I was enveloped by the hypnagogia. It’s pulsating, breathing, warm energy/vibration wrapped around me. It was as if I became the hypnagogia and through it I began to be shown areas of my body that needed my attention. I recall talking to someone – a teacher I suppose. He asked me to listen to the energy, to observe and let it show me what I needed to see. The observation here was without sight. It was a feeling sense more than anything. I felt the vibrations at first all over. They seemed consistent but upon further inspection I noticed a distinct difference between the left and right sides of my body. The left side was stronger with “hot” spots. The most noticeable hot spots were just above my left hip and around the left side of my chest/heart area.

I remember hearing the voice asking me to look at the “petals” but I do not recall what happened next. There is a flash of memory of a flower, like a lotus, but that is all.

Dream – Tapping Into The Collective 

I woke briefly after that, returned to my meditation and finally drifted off to sleep.

There were many dreams from the night but one in particular woke me. It is hard to recall the specifics now because I was so tired and sleeping quite deeply. What I do recall is observing a scene. In the middle of a floor in a dark room were many figures made of clay. Each one about a foot or less in height. These figures were of people. A faceless person was standing over the figures. The person began to slowly and deliberately step on a figure until it was crushed. Then the person would go on to the next. And the next. And the next. As the person continued to step on the figures I heard someone ask, “How long will this be allowed to continue? Won’t you do something about it?” I then heard this woman call out, “Stop! Will no one stop it!”

There was with this voice an anguish and as I tuned into the emotion a full picture came to mind. I knew each figurine represented a person who was born with a physical or mental defect of some sort. Then each of the clay figures became a person with a story all their own. And all at once I knew their stories. All of them.

Suddenly I was the one crying out for someone to help them. My heart felt to be ripped out of my chest. As my dream self fell into a heap on the floor, I fell into my body as if pulled down by a heavy weight. Then that weight poured out of me in waves of despair.

As I woke and wiped away the tears, I felt a bit stunned. The emotion quickly faded but the memory of it was strong. Here I was experiencing something I had before. It seemed like I somehow tuned into a group of individuals and their Story. Just like in the past I had tuned into other groups – Native Americans and the Autistic – I must have tapped into the collective somehow, taking on the experiences of all those born less than perfect into this harsh world.

Then I remembered that prior to all his I had been shown the area of my heart as a place that needed attention. And I had gone to sleep focused on that area….

I could not sleep after that so I lingered in the in-between for at least an hour. I could feel energy in my body, moving along the left side primarily. My left kidney developed a sharp pain that briefly alarmed me, but it passed very quickly and I could feel the energy move up toward my heart. There is sat, pooling on the left side but there was no discomfort.

As I type this post there is a strong, almost hot energy encircling my throat. The healing continues…

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Dreams: Water Park and Archaeological Dig 

The energy lately has been interesting. I see posts and blogs all over the internet mentioning the energy shifting and the alignments in astrology being prime for making important decisions regarding “who we are”. Interestingly, I feel as if I experienced these shifts beforehand; anticipated them and so already did the work necessary to ride them out without issue. So when I read everyone talking about this or that right now – the energy is “moving” or “shifting”, they are tired, they are struggling with the intensity of the energy in various physical and emotional ways, I think, “Hmmm”.

Over a year ago I would have been there right along with them, reporting on the energy shifts, discussing my symptoms and how I’m managing, etc. Now I just don’t feel on the same wavelength. It is like I jumped up a notch to a different frequency. I’m not bragging or claiming I am more advanced or anything, just that perhaps at some point we move away from the majority and into our own “zone”. And really it does feel like soul families are doing this in groups, shifting into their own family “frequencies”. Sadly, some of my “family” members have not shifted with me. Many, actually. But then we are all on our own paths and just because we are not moving along together on the same wavelength now, doesn’t mean we won’t be later on.

It reminds me a dream/OBE experience I had not long ago where I was traveling along on the highway and I saw a soul family member off the road driving an ATV and doing his own thing. I knew his destination was the same as mine but he was taking the “long way”, paving his own path through the mountains, rocks and mud.

This current shift has me feeling quite good, clear and optimistic. I continue to experience healing Kundalini. Last night and this morning it was quite intense in my second chakra but I also felt it in my root, throat, third-eye and crown. The root energy was quite pleasurable. The rest of the energy just felt similar to a really strong Reiki treatment.

Dreams: Water Park and Archaeological Dig 

My dreams were strange and I can’t recall much of them now. There was one very vivid memory of being in a water park where the water had been turned off. I heard the water suddenly released into the park and I was trying to get to the bottom of the slide before it swept me away. I ended up walking along the side and avoiding the turbulent water which was quite muddy. There were moments I waded through standing water that was about knee high as I made my way to the bottom.

In another dream I was with a group observing this tower that looked like a circular space craft atop a pillar (like a space needle). A discussion was taking place about how the access had been blocked to the tower. A team would be sent on a kind of archaeological “dig” to determine what happened so long ago.

I remember visiting the inside of this space needle via my consciousness. It had been a research facility and all the old equipment sat unused and covered in dust. Someone told me that the scientists had discovered a rare species and were in the process of doing tests. The creature looked like a large segmented insect similar to a centipede or millipede. I watched the past play out in front of me. Two scientists, one male and the other female, were interacting with the creature. The woman was on the bottom and the man over the top seemingly floating. The creature crawled over the woman and connected to her at her throat. From there it grew this large pouch and laid it’s eggs there. The pouch was large and brown and grew in size over time.

While I observed this, my lower chakras were igniting with energy. My root became the most intense but I also felt pressure building in my second chakra.

Ultimately, the energy woke me and continued for a while after. The song, Black by Pearl Jam was in my mind. The part, “Tied [tattooed] to all I see, all that I am, tied [tattooed] to everything…” going over and over.

Considerations

The above song has come to me before but not with the words changed like that. It says to me that whatever I was “digging” up in that dream is tied to everything. It is directly influencing this life, my personality, my perspective.

The water park is a common dream of mine. I think it has to do with emotions and how I “ride them out”. In this case I try to outrun them and then end up walking beside them and observing them. I suppose this is not a bad thing. It is better to observe them than to be carried away by them.

The archaeological dig dream was likely about me digging into my second chakra issues and other blockages that are preventing progress. I have been doing self-healing, looking specifically at the second chakra and trying to untangle the energy there. I asked for more insight and I think the dream was showing me the depth of the blockage and what it is linked to. The space needle could be indicative of time and space, like an incident that is very old and not of this time and space. The centipede/millipede is about hidden dangers in digging up the past. The fact that it creates an egg sac on the throat of the woman is kind of creepy especially since I woke up with a sore throat. The danger is “multiplying” and creating issues at the throat chakra somehow.

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Intense Kundalini Healing

Tomorrow is the funeral for the man who set himself on fire in our old family home. My husband wants to attend but I have mixed feelings. Mainly I am hesitant because I don’t like funerals and didn’t know the man very well. However, I have also had a sense that this man is hanging around just outside my energy field. There comes with this sense thoughts of the fire, of him, of the circumstances of his death, etc.

Last night, in fact, he was close enough that I recognized him and heard him asking me to help him communicate with his wife because “she is in so much pain.” I told him I didn’t think it would help her at this time, especially if she is not seeking it.

He wouldn’t go away and I began to feel very concerned because his energy made me feel strange. He was telling me that he did not deserve what “heaven” had to offer him and I tried to tell him he did deserve it. I enveloped him in white light and he tried to resist it but eventually he allowed himself to experience some of it. I told him to be at peace he needed to accept the light. He thanked me but did not leave. I don’t think he is earth bound, at least not in the sense that some who pass become, but he could be at risk for it if he continues to reject the light.

Some of my dreams of late have been indicating that the use of my spiritual abilities will come up for inspection. Mediumship has been the most frequent sign from the Universe. Not only have I sensed the man but have also been asked in a FB group many questions about my gifts lately. With all the other strange things happening to me, I find that I have an illogical fear connected to tapping into my gifts again. I fear it getting out of control for some reason.

Anxiety Again

I had a really strange bout of anxiety a couple of mornings ago. It was the day I had two OBE’s (last post) and did not get much sleep. The coffee I drank was stronger than usual and made me feel loopy and fatigued. It reminded me of the jet lag only not as severe.

I did research on caffeine sensitivity and I have about every symptom listed. As a person gets older their sensitivity to caffeine can increase to the point of intolerance. The Kundalini also can make a person intolerant of stimulants like caffeine.

So, I decided to go back to half-decaf and wean myself off coffee. At this point it is the only thing I can do to exert some control. Hopefully it will lessen this very “wide open” feeling I’ve been having for a while now.

Kundalini

Along with all of the above the Kundalini has become more active again. Last night it awakened me in the middle of the night. It was not the bliss kind of Kundalini this time. Instead it was intense energetic healing to my sacral and solar plexus chakras. It was so strong that I often found myself holding my breath at times.

At one point the energy was very noticeable along my left side. It felt like it was following a channel up the left side of my spine. It spread all the way to the top of my head and the tips of my toes.

The energy lasted for much longer than I wanted and I finally told my guidance I was too tired and to tone it down so I could go back to sleep. They did as I asked.

Concerns

I have been feeling “off” and this has been going on for quite a while now. My dreams lately cause me to think I am interacting with different timelines. I often wake up confused or have periods of amnesia both within my dream and after I wake. The dream snippets I recall usually have multiples of the same person or are of me selecting specific paths to view the outcome.

My husband leaves on business travel next Wednesday for an unknown period of time. This worries me a bit because the last time he was gone I had so many panic episodes. As it is, I am sometimes feeling like I am barely hanging on to my sanity. I pray that it all settles down soon.

 

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A Return to “Normal” and Dream: Rattlesnake

It seems the past month or so was another lifetime to me now. It is so odd how different I feel. I suppose it was like my guidance said to me – “Welcome back” – in that I must have fallen into the darkness of my shadow self for a while, or something like that. I really do not wish to return there but I understand the purpose behind it and know that to resist it is not in my best interest.

Only recently has my guidance been more communicative and close, lending me their support and wrapping me in energy hugs. Song messages are returning as is nightly reassurance. This morning the song Right Here Waiting was prominent.

Dreamtime is becoming more active now as well, which is nice. I feel incomplete without my dream adventures, even if they are normal dreams and nothing exceptional. My dreams connect me with a part of myself that can be hard to contact during my waking hours. It gives me a glimpse into another world, one much more interesting and exciting than the physical world.

Recently, when connecting to my guidance, I perceived the other world I enter when talking with them. I can’t see it with my physical eyes. It is only darkness behind my eyelids. Yet when I look with my psychic sight I can see so much, only it is not bright and colorful as it would be in the astral. It is all shadows and seemingly imagination. I wished to see behind closed eyes like I see when I am exploring the astral realms and asked if it was possible while awake and fully conscious of this physical world and body. I heard that it was. Conceiving of such a thing is difficult for me, but what an amazing gift it would be!

I was reminded that belief determines the limitations of human existence.

Lately I feel a heart expansion is on the horizon. When, I can’t say, but I sense it and have had the Knowing many times over the past month or so, even when visiting that shadow part of myself. Somehow the diving into the shadow was related to this next opening. There is also a thorough discussion of my concurrent attraction and fear of desire going on behind the scenes. I am being asked to observe and explore the reasons behind this phenomenon.

At present my best understanding is that I am fighting a belief that desire is inherently “evil” or “bad” because it causes one to do, say, think things that lead to upset in their lives. Yet my individual experiences so far have shown me another side to desire, one that allows a glimpse into Self and to an expansiveness beyond the limitations of this existence. There is such curiosity in me to explore this part of myself that when I feel desire taking over I fall immediately into this space and bask in – I want to say “glory” of it.

So there are two parts of me at “war”. One clings to safety and sameness. She resists the call of desire for fear of the change that she believes will result. Then there is the me who feels to be dying from too much sameness and security, hears the call of desire and wants desperately to lose herself to it.

At this point I don’t know which one is better or worse or if to categorize them is the right thing. My best guess is to somehow find a balance between them, but even that feels wrong. Really, what feels right is that this is a process that will sort itself on its own without me having to do anything in particular but allow and fully experiences both sides of the coin (of me).

It’s the path of no resistance, of allowance and surrender that I must take.

My life will reflect back at me my progress. (ouch that one hurt)

The first thought I have is of my marriage and how, no matter what I try, my husband refuses to budge and insists that the best place for us is together.

Then I see my job and how smoothly that is going because I came to a decision about what I wanted and allowed it to be given, even if it was not where my human mind consider would be a good fit for me. Tossed expectation completely and just waited for my intent to manifest however the Universe decided to give it. Trusting fully that it would be what was best for me.

So, it is suggested I do the same with my marriage/relationship path.

That means to continue to focus on what I want and allow the Universe to give it. This means tossing expectation and trusting the Universe to provide.

However, with my career path I exited that which was unwanted and waited in a space of nothingness until what I wanted was given. I’m not sure I can exit the unwanted so easily this time around. Yet an exit was provided with career. I expressed what was needed for an exit to the Universe and it was provided.

Yes, it took time, but it happened as I requested/intended. No, I didn’t do it consciously for the most part. Imagine what can happen if I do it consciously….

Time and belief are the obstacles. Time in that it seems never-ending yet at the same time to be ticking away. Belief in that inner “war” I mentioned above.

I still have so many questions regarding this process but if I did it regarding career then I guess I an do it in other areas, right?

Dream: Giant Rattlesnake 

The dream began with me visiting an old school I use to work at. I wanted to see how things had changed. I walked through the halls and found stairs that were not there previously. These stairs connected the grade levels. I walked through the levels using the stairs and entered a 5th grade classroom where the students were being prepared for a test. I walked across the hall to another classroom. The students were not there yet and I looked around at their desks. The teacher then entered and we spoke. There was this general friendliness and acceptance of me from them which was refreshing.

The teacher talked to the students about the test and I gave them encouragement. There was a sense that these kids were extremely intelligent and being prepped for advanced levels. As they formed testing groups, I left via the back door.

The entire time I was talking to someone about what I was seeing. I never saw him, though.

Outside I walked around a courtyard that was greening up from Spring. As I walked across the grass something moved and I jumped. It was a large rattlesnake and it slithered quickly away. I turned and yelled, “Snake! Get all the kids inside!!” A man wearing a maintenance uniform went after the snake with a stick. The snake turned toward him to defend itself. As it turned it morphed into a monstrous thing that resembled a dragon mixed with an eel. It was bright green and long with a brown dorsal fin. It’s head was enormous and when it opened its mouth rows of sharp teeth were visible. Yet it only got as tall as a large dog. The man stabbed the creature in the head over and over again until it was dead.

I thanked the man and he smiled and told me, “You’re welcome. Just doing my job.”

We conversed for a while. He was the maintenance man for the school and had been 20 years on the job. I told him I use to work there and he might remember me. He said he did.

His appearance was not familiar to me. He was tall, with light hair and a nice smile. He looked to be in his mid-40’s or maybe 50’s. His waistline was widening with age and he was wearing a gray-blue uniform.

I remember sensing his energy and his interest in me. My reply to this was that he was too old for me. lol I don’t think he took it personally, though, it was like we conversed via our energy as well as with words.

Interpretation

Based upon some other dreams from the night, this dream is about my issues with desire (Kundalini) and wanting help handling what I consider something that can easily get out of control. Thus the rattlesnake turning into a crazy, monstrous eel-dragon creature. The other dreams from last indicate I am also afraid of having no desire, of feeling unable to contact the feeling and being numb. The Kundalini dream is connected to the teacher/counselor version of myself and the other dreams of fearing no desire are linked to my mother role.

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Dreams as Answers

I’m feeling more and more like myself again, which is a relief. Yesterday morning, in fact, I could barely contain the love and joy I felt just to be alive. It was refreshing and much needed.

Mondays and Tuesdays tend to be the better part of my week because I get to work from home while tending to my youngest. The days are mostly quiet and productive, my son is at his best because he gets one-on-one time with mommy, and I get some much needed me time (kinda). My mornings are slower and I can take my time, have my coffee, exercise or whatever. Work is a breeze and, though not enjoyable really, the repetition and lack of stress in my work is comforting in a way. It is just what I asked for and I continue to remind myself of just how blessed I am.

Speaking of work, I got a $1/ hour raise after only working there for 6 months. My husband and his brother both leaked to me that the boss wants me to take over the job of my late coworker, the one who recently passed from cancer. Though my husband pressed her to put me on salary, she told him not yet as she has a “plan” in mind to gradually ease me into the job so that I am more open to taking on the higher responsibility. She knows I am not keen on doing all the accounting my predecessor did and will likely turn down the promotion if offered (she is right). However, the promotion would entitle me to making nearly as much as I would have had I opted to stay in the education system but with all the pros I have mentioned in past posts (working from home the big one). Something to chew on….

Sadly, I continue to struggle with boredom, especially in the evening hours and I am not really motivated to do anything about it. Usually I would focus on spiritual practices but even these do not appeal to me right now. Surprisingly, I had some very in-depth and memorable dreams.

Dream: Time Change

The first part of the dream was spent talking with a man who felt to be my friend and associate/coworker. The discussion we were having was odd and is hard to recall now. I remember talking about an unexpected time change. The time change was like what happens during daylight savings only this time change was much more dramatic and caused by the position of the earth and the sun. The time change was causing much dis-ease because people’s bodies were not adjusting well. The change in time was so severe that to look up at the sun to judge what time it was would not work. I remember saying, “At noon the sun will not be right above our heads anymore.” The time change was around 8 hours and another four was anticipated.

The discussion then involved the planets. I explained to the man that we had to cycle through each planet to become whole. The description of how this worked was very detailed in the dream and at times it felt like the man was telling me, rather than me telling him. I mostly recall the visuals of this discussion. I saw the planets as if from above from a distance as they circled the sun. They were moving very fast so that their orbits were shown as blurs behind them. Each planet represented a part of the whole person somehow and eventually they would join to become whole. Every person contained all the planets within them.

It all made perfect sense in the dream but now I am confused by it, the visuals especially.

The next thing I recall I am helping others with preparation for the next time change of four hours. We were with a group of school children in a classroom helping the children prepare by getting them to rest. Someone said, “It’s 7:15pm” but outside the sun was high up in the sky.

Dream: Navigating Home

Then I was in a car. I was in the back seat laying down. The driver dropped off the person in the front passenger seat at a school. I recall being inside and walking toward the front office with several “students” who resembled kids I use to teach at the alternative school. Each of us was given paperwork and then seated at a desk. I watched as two male students began to fill out the forms. One was given a job straight away. The other sat and interviewed for a position. He was asked about his math scores and he said, “59.” The interviewer said, “Sorry. That won’t do.” The student begged him to reconsider and I thought about vouching for the boy by saying I was his counselor, but then reconsidered. It felt like if I did vouch for him that I would be taking on more than I could handle.

Then I was back in the back seat of the car. The driver said to me, “You’re the navigator now.” Feeling a little nervous, I got out my phone and began to try and get directions to my home. The driver asked, “Which way?” We were turning out of the parking lot and I said, “Right. We need to go right.” As he drove I continued to try to get the app to work but the address of “home” kept changing. I recall seeing odd addresses, one was in Fairbanks, AK.

I could see our path on the map on my phone. We were driving in the middle of a vast city. It felt like Dallas and I kept looking for I-35 but couldn’t find it anywhere. I kept tying in, “Home”, but the program was sending us to places I didn’t recognize as home. The path we drove seemed to go on and on into the unknown. It made me feel hopeless but the driver wasn’t concerned and just kept driving.

Dream: Church

The dream shifted and I was waiting in line with my mom and sister at a church. I was a bit confused at first because I didn’t know how I got there and didn’t understand why we had to wait in line. The church had all visitors get passes to come inside and it was a lengthy, time consuming process. I wondered, “Why don’t we just become members?”

An elder walked up to me and told me to come with him. He guided me into the main room. The ceiling was very high up with large beams across it strung with large chandeliers. There were rows and rows of pews with people sitting and talking quietly as they waited on the service to start. The man told me I was to join my mom and we looked for her. I spotted her across from us and pointed her out. She waved at us and I recall she looked very happy. The man nodded and then asked me to lay down on the pew to my right. I gladly did so and almost immediately fell asleep.

At this point the dream becomes semi-lucid as I slip in and out of sleep. I felt a heaviness as I struggled to wake up. Once when I did wake I saw the entire church was empty. I remembered the dream about the time change and planets. For some reason the dream triggered me and I began to cry. I felt so hopeless and homesick and tired. I remember hearing that I needed to rest and this upset me because I wanted to keep going.

I woke up with a few tears in my eyes thinking it unfair that I had to rest and heal yet again. It seems I am always resting and/or healing!

Dream: Kimberly

I fell back to sleep briefly. I became aware of being in my mom’s house standing in front of my sister’s old bedroom. The door was closed and I was told not to go inside but I needed something that was in there – a de-humidifier. I opened the door and saw it sitting by the bed. I also saw two dogs and noticed the carpets and entire room were wet. I closed the door before a dog got out but then decided to just go inside and get what I came for. When I did, the dogs jumped all over me. The carpet was moist and the entire room clean and somewhat damp. I realized my sister must have cleaned the room, carpets and all.

I let the dogs out despite feeling I shouldn’t. One of the dogs was a tall, standard poodle of a caramel color. The dog morphed into a little girl with caramel colored curls. She was very beautiful and about 8 years old. She stood in front of me looking a bit dazed, arms at her sides.

I remember wondering why this little girl was in my sister’s room and thinking my sister likely mistreated or neglected her. I asked her, “What is your name?” She said, “We don’t have names.” I said, “Sure you do! What is your name?” She said quietly, “Kimberly.” I said, “Hi Kimberly” and hugged her to me. I felt overwhelming compassion and love for her to the point of almost crying. For some reason I thought hugging her might be causing discomfort and asked, “Do you need to use the restroom?” She nodded and said, “I really need to pee.” I said, “The bathroom’s right there” and pointed. She turned and went toward it. I woke up.

Considerations

It feels like I was being given an explanation of what is going on now with Earth and ascension and with my individual path. Unfortunately, I can’t make much sense out of it. It certainly has to do with the sun and planets, but how I don’t know. That we have to go through all of the planets seems to indicate a time period. I want to say it has to do with an alignment of all the planets and this having to do with inner alignment somehow.

It is clear that I am experiencing a period of rest, healing and perceived delay. I feel unable to navigate home and there is a confusion as to where home even is. The last dream of the bedroom could be an aspect of self that is in a period of cleansing and not quite ready to open up yet. The little girl could be a representation of this aspect of self.

Overall, I feel the dreams are positive in that I at least have some kind of answer regarding what the hell is going on with me.

 

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Dream: Paper Sheets

In the early morning hours of the 28th of February, my coworker with lung cancer that metastasized to her brain, passed away peacefully in her sleep. She was 70 years old.

I knew that she had passed when I woke that morning. No one needed to tell me. I had struggled to fall asleep as it was and didn’t finally sleep until around midnight. My boss had talked with me briefly on the the phone earlier that evening and told me she had been asleep for over 24 hours and the hospice nurse had informed her that it would be any time. So my boss went to be by her side and sent the nurse home. She sat with her until she passed and has since been making all the arrangements.

Her funeral is the morning of March 8th, the same day my husband and I leave for Hawaii. It will be difficult to catch our flight but we plan on attending, staying a short bit, and then catching our flight to San Fran and on to Honolulu.

Though I am sad to lose my friend and coworker, I am more jealous that she gets to move on and be free of the burden of life. I always feel that way when someone passes away. And I really don’t want to go to the funeral. Funerals are for the living, not the dead, and I feel no reason to be there in person nor do I want to view a vacant body in a casket.

Calm

The night before last I felt a lightening of the energy, like a small amount of weight lifted from me. With it I remember saying to myself, “Something good is coming.” Nothing yet has occurred but the entire day I felt calm and relaxed.

The commute to work was uneventful and easy – like it is suppose to be. No anxiety or panic. In fact, I had an instance where it was quite surreal. A song came on I had never heard before – Have You Ever by Brandy.

The lyrics made me think of my physical counterpart briefly and in a good way. I did not react with tears or grief but instead felt quite pleasant. And as the chorus was playing I pulled up behind a large semi-truck and noticed the license plate was from Tennessee. Laughing to myself, I recognized the synchronicity of it. Not long after, other songs played in succession, that seemed altogether to be a message and by the time I arrived at work I felt relief and even joy. I remember thinking that maybe, just maybe, I had made it through the panic and despair to the other side.

Unfortunately, my stomach started bothering me toward the end of the day and I left early (again) and went home. The rest of the evening went smoothly but I was bored and passed the time watching videos on FB and in a hurry to get to sleep. I have gone through periods in my life like this where I can’t wait to get to bed each night and wish the days would just hurry up and pass. Sleep is my vacation and I very much wish I could sleep away my life at times.

Dream: Paper Sheets

I met up with my best friend who appeared to be the one from high school but at times another from later in my life. She had recently moved into her own apartment and was feeling really down and out so I had come to visit and offer my support.

When I arrived at her apartment I was trying to remember what it looked like and memories from waking reality were going through my mind. Inside, I found my friend and we talked a while. She told me she left her husband and was working a job during the day as a waitress. I remember mentioning half of my time was volunteer work and that I need to ask for money in return. I saw myself as a part-time tutor and briefly it seemed like my best friend was me.

My friend made just enough money to get by. I recognized that she was making her situation out to be worse than it was. She was doing just fine. She was sad and a bit down but I pointed out that if she held on she would get through the hard part. I saw her working and later upgrading to a nicer place and better pay. I saw her smiling and self-confident. She couldn’t see any of this, though, and continued to be sad.

It felt like I would be spending the night. I sat on a bed and my friend came and sat next to me holding something. She said, “I made this for you.” It was a long, green vine that was very long and twisted, with pink flowers and a small bird’s nest attached to the end. She showed me the nest and said, “It’s a nest for you.” I took the gift and looked closely at the nest and thanked my friend.

We then kissed one another and embraced. We kissed for a long time until my friend pulled away. I apologized but she was okay with it. I then asked her if she ever considered us to be more than friends. She said she had but she did not want to explore that possibility then and there. She was overwhelmed with life and the complications of it.

Suddenly, the front door swung inward with a burst of wind. My friend ran up to close it and said it was broken. I noticed it was swollen from water damage and that its hinges were rusted completely off. I pushed with all my might and secured it in the frame but huge gaps were visible and it could fall off any minute. I told my friend she should get management to fix it. She said it was like that when she moved in.

I went back to the bed where I would be sleeping for the night. Scattered across it were various square sheets of paper of various colors. I remember thinking it odd they were there as I curled up to sleep. I thought, “Paper sheets – ‘bed sheets’ of paper”. I kept looking at the door worried it would fall down but it never did.

Interpretation

When I woke up my lower abdomen was tender as if I had been receiving healing in dreamtime. The dream was vivid in my memory and I wondered about it. It is obvious that the “best friend” is a version of me. I can’t help but think she represents a potential path or part of myself that feels uncertainty about the future.

The most vivid dream symbol is the bed and the colorful, thin paper sheets all over the bed. Sheets in general represent the covering of unconscious and/or intimate feelings. Paper indicates a choice is about to be given to me in waking life. Being there are many pieces of different colored paper, it could represent all the various choices available to me. The paper is partially see-through, like tissue paper for a gift. So, perhaps, I am being shown potential parts of a “gift” or selecting what goes along with a gift. It is hard to say. The see-through aspect indicates I am getting a glimpse of the unconscious.

The door could represent access either being blocked or opened. The door is warped, meaning it was exposed to large amounts of water. Water = emotion. This indicates that emotion is hindering access in some way. The hinges are rusted and broken. Hinges represent the link between the spiritual and physical. I mention that the door needs to be repaired and worry the door will fall down. This suggests that I fear what is being kept out by the door. There is something on the other side I do not want to let in. This in itself represents my own blocking of something unwanted, but likely needed for healing.

It could also be that my “door” is broken from too much emotion and is causing me to struggle to maintain the balance between the spiritual and physical. Subconscious issues are seeping through and I am unable to differentiate between past and present emotion.

The next most memorable symbol is the vines with a nest made for me by my friend. A nest is protection, feeling at home, comfort and new opportunities. Vines represent ambitions, thoughts and/or ideas. They can also represent a clingy relationship. Pink represents unconditional love and nurturing.

Based upon this dream symbolism it seems I am being shown the source of the problems I have been having with anxiety, panic and overall “energy sickness”. There is too much emotion. So much that it is affecting my ability to maintain balance and manage the flow of emotion (the door won’t shut all the way). This emotion overload could be related to my heart being just too wide open or it could be the result of my refusal to confront and heal what it coming up. The positive side to this is my openness to loving myself which is evident in my embracing my friend in the dream and asking her to reciprocate.