Category Archives: Healing

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Kundalini Healing

I’ve been sick for a few days now with what I think is the flu. 😦 It has been bearable with a low grade fever, slight body aches, headache and tiny bit of congestion. Last night, though, it seemed to get worse and I went to bed with a fever and a horrible headache that Ibuprofen did not alleviate.

As I shifted into sleep, my headache kept waking me up and I felt really cold and uncomfortable. I requested healing, not expecting much of anything to happen. To my surprise, as soon as I asked, an energy spread quickly over my entire body. The energy was similar to what I have always called energy “hugs” but much more pronounced. The energy originated in my spine, in the center of my body just below my rib cage, and spread in waves up and down my body. When the energy got to my head and feet respectively it would shoot back toward the center of my body only to return back to my head and feet. The waves were so relaxing – but that was not the best part. The energy erased all pain from my body COMPLETELY. It was such a relief! No headache. No body aches. No chills.

The energy remained for a while and then slowly subsided. My headache and other aches and pains stayed away and I fell asleep.

I woke at least five more times throughout the night for various reasons. Usually the headache was back or I would feel uncomfortable or just generally unwell. Each time I requested healing and each time the energy waves would come, erase all pain, and I would fall back to sleep.

Fascinated, I recall considering what was happening and ended up dreaming about the answer.

Dream: Healing Trinity

I remember being shown three healing lines. They came together to form an arched inverted triangle. The triangle was gold and brilliant. When I saw it I knew that it’s purpose was healing. For some reason I attributed each of the lines to the trinity, pointing to each line and naming them – Father, Son, Holy Spirit.

Then I was at my Mom’s house explaining to her what I had learned. I was relieved and happy. My Mom then mentioned a man who kept coming to the house. He had been told to stop coming so he would send others in his place to tend to a pet he kept there, which was his excuse to keep coming. My mom told me to be careful of him because he was acting like a “stalker”.

Eventually I met the man. He had recently left the Army and was struggling to make ends meet. He was young, with dark hair and somewhat familiar. He had with him a book he was creating full of illustrations. He opened one page to show me that he had included my information on the healing trinity in it. I was shocked that he had included it without first asking me. When I looked at it, though, he had changed the drawing so that the trinity was filled with stones and resembled a stone wall.

The man spent much of the dream staring into space, What was odd is I could hear his thoughts. He was stressing over things in his life and not paying much attention to anything else. I psychically began to pick up on stuff for him and asked him, “Do you have a balloon mortgage?” He said, “Yeah, I do.” I told him, “You need to be careful with that.” He said, “Yeah, I know,” and acted a bit defensive. He made excuses, specifically that he could not find appropriate work. I suggested he work with his hands and we discussed him mowing lawns and providing handyman services. I remember feeling sad for him as the dream ended.

The last thing I said to him was, “Focus on your heart when you meditate.” He looked at me strangely.

As I woke I was thinking or hearing (not sure which), “Don’t be surprised if you have a huge heart opening.”

Considerations

When I woke I still had a headache but it was slight. The minute I began to think about how uncomfortable it was, the energy manifested, spreading up and down my spine and wrapping me in bliss. The pain vanished and I lay there thinking how amazing it was. It felt just like I had been given a strong pain reliever only it was energetic. I didn’t think such a thing was possible! But then, why not?

The dream I had seems to indicate the energy has to do with the trinity somehow. I have received similar messages in the past but never quite fully understood why.

An occult description of the Caduceus of Hermes (Mercury) is that the serpents represent positive and negative charges of kundalini as it moves through the chakras and around the spine (the staff) to the head where conscious perception occurs, the domain of Mercury the messenger. The wings of Hermes represent consciousness or Spirit. The “flow” signifies consciousness and perception–for no flow, means no lifeforce. Spiritual evolution is an ever increasing relationship with the neutral ground between the play of opposites. The Trinity is also observable in the caduceus: the helix is the Son (matter), the staff is the Father (zero-point ground) and the wings are the Holy Ghost (tangible perception of spirit). From Biology of Kundalini 

My guidance was using the trinity to explain the healing I was receiving. Did they mean that I was able to experience this instant reduction in pain because the three components – matter, zero-point ground and tangible perception of spirit – were present? Maybe?

I did not quite understand what was meant by zero-point ground. This was the explanation:

At the ground of matter there is the Quantum Field, or Void, Vacuum, Zero-point Energy. At the ground of mind and thought there is Sunyata, Emptiness, Void, Absolute Unity Being.

Whatever the meaning, I am happy to know that the trinity was present within me enough to give me relief from the pain of illness. And although I still have lingering symptoms today, I feel like I am recovering little by little.

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Kundalini Dream: Plane Romance

The last two nights I have had trouble falling to sleep. Last night it was because of having to cough. When the weather turns cold like it did recently, dropping 25 degrees in a few hours, my allergies tend to flare up causing my eyes to water, my nose to run and my throat to tickle from all the post nasal drip. The general sense I get, though, is that my sleeplessness is also from the full moon energies right now which feel pretty intense.

I had an interesting dream that woke me this morning.

Dream: Plane Romance

I was on a very large airplane (goals materializing, advancement or rising about troubles/problems) with lots of other people. I sat in a row that had many more seats than I a normal plane would. There was someone walking up and down the isle calling names from a list. It felt like we all worked together and the names were being called for the person to report or maybe get a reward or both. I can’t remember.

I sat two seats from the isle where the man was walking. There was a man next to me who was attractive but I don’t remember much about what he looked like. He was clean cut, though, with short hair that was either blonde or light brown, and had a very ordinary face, almost boyish looking.

There was a sense that he and I knew each other well and it was not long before he hugged me and we began to kiss. I could feel my lower chakras explode in a pleasurable sensation and for some reason I felt fear or concern over this and pulled away. I then left him behind and went searching for my blanket (protection). I walked all over looking for it and began to ask people if they had seen it. One woman asked what it looked like and I could not remember what color it was, only that it was big. As I told her I thought it was blue I saw a bunch of blue blankets all around me but none of them was mine.

Eventually I returned back to my seat awaiting the calling of my name, which I never heard called in the dream. The man was still there and he turned to me and pulled me to him, wrapping his arms loosely around my waist. I looked up at him, he was about a foot taller than me, and said, “I’m sorry I pulled away. The feeling you give me scares me.” He looked pensive for a moment and then said, “Oh, that’s interesting.” For a moment it seemed like he did not know what to make of what I had just told him. I got a sense that his experience wasn’t like mine.

We began to kiss again and the experience was very real, causing an increase in lucidity. I could feel him pressing himself into my hips and upper leg. My lower chakras began to erupt in a pleasurable way.

There was a loud sound, like a thump, and I jumped back for a moment. My thought at this time was that someone might see us and we would be found out. I was worried about this for some reason.

We continued to kiss passionately and my lower chakras expanded as an energy started traveling slowly upward. My second chakra seemed huge and I could feel energy entering my solar plexus.

The intensity of the energy woke me and I lingered in bed for some time feeling the strong energy in my first two chakras. I took a moment to imagine the energy rising up my spine to better distribute the energy. This helped and soon everything balanced out.

Considerations

It seems that I am resisting the K rising at this time. It is odd that my fear of being “found out” has returned. I thought I had resolved that. I use to feel very guilty about my dream “flings” and then shifted into a full acceptance of them. Once I fully accepted the experience the K was able to rise. I know I made a decision not long ago that I should stay away from the very intense, sexual K energy because it was not helpful and seemed to cause a kind of obsessiveness with it. But perhaps I need to undo that decision? Resistance is never helpful with the K. It only creates problems – physical and/or emotional – and leads to delays.

I was reminded of something I recently read in Bonnie Greenwell’s book, The Kundalini Guide. In it she mentions how the lower chakras can feel especially sexual and intense. She says some teachings suggest those who have intense energy in the second chakra tell students to go out and get it out of their system. She doesn’t really agree with this, instead she suggests using gentle practices to encourage the energy to move upward. It is clear, though, that avoidance will not help regardless.

The blanket part of the dream is interesting to me. I seem intent on finding mine. Lately I have had many dreams and OBEs with blankets in them. They seem to symbolize protection or something that provides security and comfort. When I woke and was thinking of this my guidance told me, “You don’t need that (the blanket). You are always protected.”

It is strange to me that I would think I need protection from the intensely sexual energy I was feeling. Why does it scare me? When I have felt the energy in the past I have had considerations that it is “bad” or “sinful” and that “nothing good comes from it.” My guess is that I have had past lives where this feeling/energy consumed me and caused me to respond to it in negative ways with poor life choices. I do know I have killed myself in at least two other lives because of feelings arising out of such intense sensations.

It reminds me of the early time prior to my first major rising of the K when I had many dreams and OBEs where I would be confronting this HUGE energy and avoiding it out of fear that it would “take over” or be the end of me. Over time this subsided and I shifted to embracing the energy, which did not kill me as I felt it would. So it is likely this fear is unfounded and won’t last long. Once I embrace the energy/feeling, it will transform as it is meant to.

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Protect, Cleanse, Detoxify

I can’t believe it’s been over a week since my last post. Life has just been busy here and the energy shifts have not helped. Up, down, shake-up, toss and pull yourself up by your bootstraps kinda energy. lol

For example, I was so dead tired Saturday that I was beginning to think I was getting sick only to wake up today feeling normal again. And throughout the week my sleep has been odd. I either sleep so deeply I can’t recall my dreams or I wake up too early and have really strange dreams (like helping hatch a baby quail whose parents are as big as a person).

The veil seems to be really, really thin right now, too. My guess is it might have to do with it being Samhain (November 1st), when it is said that Spirit and the Gods are made more visible to mankind. I also sense that those Spirits trapped here on Earth (unconscious earthbounds/ghosts) are “waking up” and seeking the Light in droves, like a “clearing” out of the lower astral realms and those previously unable to recognize their own death. It feels like a flushing out of the shadowy depths of the unknown and unseen. Most wouldn’t even notice, but I do. I feel them. One made me smell and taste onion the other day and another was praying in Spanish as I awoke a couple of mornings ago.

I’ve been in major protection mode lately as a result. I don’t need any hitchhikers nor do I want any invasive thoughts that do not belong to me. I’ve had enough of that and I prefer the quiet of my mind to the paranoia and panic that ensues when I let my guard down. Violet Flame and white light of protection, smudging and incense, Light Language, candles and crystals – I’m using them all right now!

I’ve determined it is especially important to take care of myself right now, not only spiritually but emotionally and physically as well. I’ve recently done a ton of research into two topics specifically: Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) and Ayurveda for the purpose of cleansing and balancing the body and hormones.

HSP’s

If you are an empath then you are an HSP. They are one in the same. If you are a perfectionist you are probably an HSP as well, though the two are not mutually exclusive. If you happen to be a perfectionist and an HSP, then I feel for you as it is really tough.

The root issue for HSP’s who are perfectionists is they never feel good enough. They work hard to be the best but never seem to feel good enough. It is all because they make their work about them which perpetuates the self-worth wound. If your self-talk is “you” focused such as “I’m not good enough” or “I’m nothing”, then you are you-focused in your work and life. Being “other” focused will shift it all and pull you out of the cycle.

You have to shift the paradigm of worthiness and the only way to do that is to take the focus off of yourself.

Maybe that is why I always feel so much happier when I am working a job that puts me in service of others – teacher, counselor, psychic, medium?

There is also the fear of the spotlight and of succeeding. Ouch! The only way out of that is to step into that fear, put yourself out there and succeed despite yourself.

Tools for managing your highly sensitive nature:

  1. Identify and understand YOUR needs. What brings your soul comfort? DO IT! What things calm you down, bring you joy, give you a sense of peace? Find them, do them frequently or whenever you feel overwhelmed, anxious, scattered, or ungrounded.
  2. Regularly have bodywork sessions – massage, acupuncture, sauna, physical activity (running, walking). HSPs tend to try and escape their body. HSPs tend toward being ungrounded, so anything that brings you back into your body – DO IT!
  3. Take care of your spiritual body – crystals, Reiki, meditation, qui-gong, yoga. Black crystals are best for grounding and protection such as smokey quartz, obsidian and onyx.

Ayurveda 

I have been drawn to Ayurveda for a while, specifically to help with fluctuating hormones and adrenal fatigue.

Notes from a recent online class I took:

Vata and Pitta are the areas to focus on when it comes to symptoms of peri-menopause and menopause.

For Hot Flashes – 1tsp Ghee and 1tsp Cardamon in hot water every morning. Drink coconut water throughout the day (cooling). Cut out sugar, alcohol, white flours, fried and processed foods. Take Omega-3 and Omega-6 (Evening Primrose Oil) supplement. Sugar is directly linked to hot flashes!! The higher the sugar intake, the more frequent and severe the hot flashes.

Routine is important – wake and sleep at the same time, eat the same foods, do the same practices (yoga, exercise, meditation, etc). Don’t change just because it is the weekend.

For anxiety – vata/pitta imbalance, do small detox sessions. Detox of mung soup and veggies all day for 1 full day. No sugar, no dairy, no gluten, no refined oils. Completely vegetarian, lots of water with ginger, and teas. Cook your veggies (nothing fried). You can make a smoothie in the morning with fresh greens and fruit.

Liver is very important in estrogen dominance!

If you wake between 1-3am with or without hot flashes this is sign that your liver needs to be detoxed (it’s the liver meridian).

Estrogen dominance symptoms – Hot flashes, night sweats, weight gain, heavy periods, cramping, changes in PMS, fibroids, cysts, fibrous breasts all caused by zeno estrogens.

Toxic estrogens, or zeno estrogens come from chemicals or toxins in the environment such as parabens, phthalates, and plastics or synthetic hormones (birth control). These build up if the liver is not at 100%. Liver cleanse will help get liver to 100%.

Ways to cleans liver naturally:

  • Movement, keep the blood moving, exercise every day 15 minutes or more at moderate intensity
  • Eat avocado, asparagus, onions, garlic
  • Work on improving gut health – no sugar, refined foods, take probiotics, eat fermented foods.
  • Eat lots of cauliflower, broccoli, cabbage, brussel sprouts (4 servings a day)
  • Supplements – black pepper, broccoli seed extract, calcium, DIM, methalated B-vitamins and folic acid, glutathione
  • Dandelion root tea or greens, any bitter greens, radishes, increase fiber intake

For 1 week liver cleanse:

Eat: Fruits, veggies (mung soup), flax seed, drink teas with dandelion root. Juicing your veggies is okay but cooked veggies are preferred.
Take 4-5 charcoal capsules during the day and then take magnesium supplement at night. Visit a sauna daily or take Epsom salt baths daily. If you are really symptomatic you can do coffee enema.

For adrenal fatigue: Eat adaptogens such as – rhodiola, licorice root (not if you have high BP), Siberian Gensing, Ashwaganda, holy basil. Eat frequently, stress lowers blood sugar! Slow down and calm down as often as you can. Meditate. Magnesium supplement in tea every night.

For low progesterone – take borage oil, evening primrose oil, and black current seed oil. Take Vitex/Chasteberry supplement or use progesterone creams (plant based). No synthetic progesterones (birth control).

The Ayurvedic one-day cleanse (can be done more than one day):

Don’t eat: • All sources of gluten such as wheat, spelt, rye, kamut, couscous, bulgur • Refined sugar (avoid pastries, fast food, soft drinks, fruit juice) • Red meat, poultry, fish and sausages • Animal byproducts such as dairy and eggs • Fried foods high in saturated fats • Tomatoes • Refined oils • Preservatives

Do eat: • Fresh, organic foods (ideally prepared at home). • Mostly vegetables (go for green) • Fruit • Foods rich in antioxidants, minerals, vitamins, fibre • Lots of Mung beans in any form – they do balance and detox and work miracles on your hormones

EAT LOTS OF: Zucchini Broccoli Spinach Witloof Kale Cabbage/ Chinese cabbage Chard Fennel Artichokes Radish bok choi Asparagus Celery Brussel sprouts Bell peppers

Magical mung soup recipe for harmonizing and detoxing body and mind.

Soak one cup of green organic mung beans and soak them overnight. The next day wash the mung beans and then put them with 4 cups of water and some Himalayan salt in a pressure cooker until the beans are soft. It takes around 25 minutes until the beans are soft. If you don’t have a pressure cooker it will take 40-45 minutes until they are cooked.

Take another vessel and add 1 tablespoon of Ghee, 1/2 tsp of turmeric 1/2 tsp of mustard seeds 1 tsp of cumin powder 1 tsp of coriander powder 2 tsp of fresh ginger, chopped Garlic if desired 1-2 pinches of Asafoetida ( Hing) Salt per taste Heat the Ghee and put first the mustard seeds in the hot ghee and wait until they pop, then add the remaining herbs and allow them to get brown.

Then add the mung beans and mix it all together and allow the beans to cook for another 5 minutes. Finally add some fresh chopped coriander leaves and some ghee on top and ENJOY!

Source: Theheartswisdom.com

 

 

 

 

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Messages: You are Resilient. Invoke the Violet Flame.

The last few days the energy seems to have evened out somewhat. There was a shift a couple of days ago and ever since the theme for me has been healing, cleansing and purification.

Message: You Are Resilient

Yesterday morning I awoke at around 5am and then lingered in the in-between for quite some time.

I remember feeling vibrations deep within my core. They were very slight but noticeable and I felt them slowly moving upward chakra by chakra. When they got to my solar plexus I looked closer and saw what looked like a slug or leech. I remember surrounding it with Light and imagining it extinguished and it disappeared. Then the vibrations moved up and before I knew it they were in my head. Very subtle but there.

The whole time I was talking with someone, a guide I guess, and he was telling me how resilient I am. He said, “You are resilient. I love you for your resilience.” The day before, out of the blue, I felt this love and had a visual of my face being caressed and looking so peaceful and relaxed. A message came through that I was loved and everything would be alright. The sender of both messages felt to be the same.

Then there is memory of a young man with dark hair and a very energetic spirit. He approached me, called me Becca and told me his name was Jeremy. I remember recognizing his energy and becoming alarmed because I had not expected to run into this specific person again. I also wondered why he was so young and why he was calling me by another name.

The young man was showing me all the ways he loved me. I saw four pages as if from a book but they were spread out like the four directions, floating mid-air with writing on them. He told me, “How do I love you? Let me count the ways.” I remember feeling love for him, too, a romantic soul deep love.

What he was saying to me came from a poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise,
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints -I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! -and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Message: Invoke the Violet Flame

I had a dream that seemed to span the entire night. In the beginning of the dream I was waiting for a coworker – another teacher – to be ready to move forward with something we were going to do together. This coworker kept changing their mind and I remember feeling like they were holding me back. I think, also, that someone told me, “Don’t let them hold you back.”

There is an entire scene where I get tired of waiting and fly off the balcony over a busy highway, but only one side of the highway is busy (the side going right), the other is clear (the side going left). I know the cause of the traffic is an accident. I enter into a car where another person is waiting for me and we drive away in the opposite direction of the traffic.

Then I was being led through a very special school located “South”. The layout was unconventional with each classroom being separate from the others and courtyards connecting them all. The courtyards had gardens, pools, trees and wide open spaces. I remember talking to the principal who introduced me to many of the teachers. I went into classrooms to observe and recall discussing how special the place was. Everyone I spoke to seemed to want me to stay there, to work alongside them helping the children. I knew it was a healing place.

I lingered in one classroom and spoke to a teacher there for a while. Each student worked at their own pace and had so much more freedom than the conventional student. One of the students in particular was discussed – how she took longer on assignments than the other students but how it didn’t matter because they all worked at their own paces. All students were treated the same. It was made clear to me that I was wanted there, that I would be an asset. I was asked at least three times to come work there. I felt a call to stay. I felt needed but I also felt drawn to be there, like I belonged. And I wanted to help them – the students. Each of them was precious to me. I loved them all.

A teacher approached me, asking me if I would like to stay. I told her I couldn’t. In my mind I saw my family and obligations to them and knew I couldn’t stay there. The woman opened her arms and pulled me close to her. I felt she was like me and that she intended to heal me. She said, “Invoke the Violet Flame.” Instantly I could feel this energy wrap around me like a blanket. The feeling made me cry.

At one point it began to rain (purification) and I watched a student jump head first into a swimming pool. I reached in and pulled something out – like a heavy weight (burdens of life) – and she floated to the top, unharmed.

As I got closer to the end of the dream I was being led down a hallway by a woman. I remember wanting to stay but knowing I had to leave. The hallway led away from the school and was very long and bright gold in color. I could not see what was at the end.

As we walked we passed by a woman who was standing in front of a stroller with two babies – twins – in it. They appeared alive at first but then seemed to be doll-like and unreal. The woman was crying and very upset, wailing about how they had not come for them yet. She kept repeating, “Why have they not come for them yet?” When I spoke to her she said her twins had died in an accident and “they just left them here”. I turned around and hugged her close saying to her, “Don’t worry. You will have your chance to grieve.” My heart was overflowing with sympathy for this woman and her grief became my own. I burst into tears and woke up.

Considerations

When I woke from the second dream it felt as if I had been given a choice – I could choose to stay in that healing place, teaching and helping the children there, or I could return to my life and my family and obligations on Earth. I am fairly certain that I was taken to the Other Side, to be shown my “work” when I am not on Earth. The draw to stay was strong but my duties here on Earth were stronger.

The healing from the woman was distinct as was her message about the Violet Flame. I intend to use it more frequently now.

The woman who was waiting for her twins to be taken and the grief she felt seemed to mirror my own grief. I told her not to worry, that she would get a chance to grieve. It makes me wonder if that message was meant for me.

In other dreams and OBEs I have been drawn to working with the children and babies. In one OBE, I was taken to a “hub” where people who had died were standing in line to be sent off to their next destination. I recall being distracted by a section that was full of children and babies and their caretakers. It had a playground and everything. I went over to one of the caretakers who was holding an infant in her arms and felt immense joy at the thought of working with the children.

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My First Metaphysical Fair Visit Since 2007

Yesterday I went to a metaphysical fair. I haven’t been to one in 12 years. This was a small one with only about 15-20 vendors total. The people who sponsor the fairs have had them in the area for over 2 years but I had never heard of them. Turns out they also have a school for metaphysics that offers classes and degrees.

Not long after arriving I got a headache and neck ache. I knew it was from someone’s energy in the room. At first I couldn’t find the source but then I turned around and recognized someone I had encountered about 13 years ago. Apparently her energy had not improved and so I put up protection and my headache went away.

I felt sad that one person could screw up the energy of an entire room like that. What was even sadder was that she was attracting people to her booth. I felt really bad for the people she was “helping”. I thought about going up to her and seeing if she recognized me but then decided to just keep my distance. There was no reason to interact with her.

The backstory about this woman is she came to the Austin area from California. She had plenty of money, so didn’t need a job and had a really nice house downtown. She would invite young, curious, seekers to her house and give “free” readings and “alignments” (energetic and physical). My friend at the time invited me to go to one of the gatherings. Everyone was asked to make a donation when they entered. The donation box was pretty full.

When I looked around the room, most of the people were young, college students with the exception of a few older people (like me). The vibes of the house had me on edge the entire time but when I sat through her readings and was given an alignment I lost it and called the woman out in front of everyone. She later took me aside to “talk” to me. She told me she recognized my “gifts” and understood that I thought she was a “threat” but that she wasn’t. She said some other things but it was all very condescending and her energy was making me sick to my stomach.

I went downstairs to wait for the readings to be over. A man sat down next to me and began to talk to me. He was also skipping the group readings and alignments. He told me he knew why I was upset and told me the woman was a fraud but that he came to help out. To me it seemed like he was there to clean up after her, to pick up the pieces of the messes she made out of people.

My friend ultimately got very mad at me because I embarrassed her. I told her I would not apologize for revealing a fraud and warned her about the woman. About two months later my friend contacted me and told me I had been right about the woman. My friend told me that she realized the woman was only there to get a “following”, to get attention and that her readings and alignments were not genuine.

So, yeah, sad that this woman continues to do what she was doing so long ago. 😦 Thankfully, everyone else in the room was pretty high vibe.

Aura Photo

I waited around the fair for a while to feel out the energy of the people at the booths and see who I was drawn to. Ultimately, I ended up visiting the aura photography booth and talking to the woman who was taking the photos. At first I just wanted to find out about them and so the woman and I talked for a while about the aura and other topics. Her husband shared the booth with her and was a psychic/medium giving 10 minutes readings and she focused on taking the photos.

I inadvertently saw the woman’s aura when we were talking but didn’t say anything. Eventually she showed me her aura photo and I saw the pink outline. I started to cry because I knew the pink meant she was surrounded in love and I could feel it. I told her I felt it and wiped my tears. She said her aura was normally another color than in the pictures and I told her what colors I saw. She told me that I was correct.

Ultimately I agreed to take a photo. There were three kinds – aura around the head, the chakras, and the aura and chakras. I was most interested in seeing what was going on with my chakras. I had an idea but wanted to see if the photo matched.

This is the resulting photo:

IMG_5871.jpg

The big shocker here is that my aura showed up as orange! She told me the entire aura was orange except the very outside which was pink. She also said the left side (which is past) was darker than the right (which is upcoming, or future). The darker orange indicates high stress, the lighter indicates problem solving and creativity. So, not so bad I guess, but I am typically blue/purple and green.

The chakra alignment was similar to what I thought it would be, only I thought the second chakra would be blocked and the third open because of all the panic attacks I have had lately. However, my panic attacks have dropped off recently, so it is possible the third chakra closed compared to what it was. The throat chakra is slightly blocked but that fits with what I perceive.

My thoughts about the orange aura is that the second chakra is so wide open right now that it is overshadowing my normal aura color. Orange to me indicates issues with family, relationships, sex and desire. This is the chakra that has long been giving me issues and has been a literal pain in the uterus. lol I suppose it is a good thing, then, that it is really wide open when previously it has been so horribly blocked. I am making progress at least.

Healing

I left the booth and waited around a while to feel out what was needed next, if anything. I purchased a nice little bracelet for my daughter and then walked around some more. Eventually I took a seat and just waited, sensing my next step was healing but not knowing from who.

Ultimately, the healer came to me. We began to talk and share our individual experiences. When he found out I was a healer among other things I could feel that he was interested in finding out more. I discovered he was Kundalini active and just coming out of “hiding” (lol) and that this was the first metaphysical fair he had ever done. Interestingly, he had an accent. I guessed it was Australian but he said he was from the UK. It sounded closer to Australian to me, though, and I know the difference having visited both places. Whatever the case, he seemed extremely familiar to me. Pretty certain we know each other on a soul level. I also think I remember meeting him while OOB….

Eventually he asked me if he could give me a healing session. His healing technique was his own and there wasn’t really a name for it. Like me, he just followed where his guidance led when giving healing.

I agreed and he told me to stand in a certain direction and proceeded to do the healing. I want to say it took a good 20 minutes, too! At first I didn’t feel much but eventually, when he got to the root chakra and there was a block he mentioned how I wasn’t from “here” and I felt like I didn’t belong. Then he asked me to say three times, “The Earth is my home” or something similar. Before that I had been asked to state things three times and had no issues, but when asked to say this I couldn’t get the words to come out. The sensations that arose were many. My throat constricted, my heart began to pound like it does when I have an anxiety attack, I began to feel hot and cold sensations, my stomach started to feel uneasy and tons of grief began to surface. It took me a long time to finally get the words out and when I did he said the block cleared.

There were many small blocks here and there but none as big as that one and none that produced such a response. Most were connected to letting go of the past and being more flexible. Some were connected to fear and anger.

Afterwards we spoke for a bit and he asked me to give him a medical intuition scan. I did and then later he asked for distance healing, which I agreed to do.

Not sure how long we talked but it was a long time. It has been entirely too long since I have spoken to someone face-to-face about my experiences and felt understood to such a degree and vice versa. It was so nice!

Afterward, I went for a walk and sat down in the grass outside the convention center. It was nice outside and I think I just needed to get out of the room for a while. I left not long after.

Knee Pain

When I got home I did my workout as planned only I discovered that my left kneecap was sore. The soreness got really bad by the end of the night (yes I did my workout anyway which was probably not a good idea). It was so sore that I had to elevate and put ice on it. By the time I went to bed it was sore enough that I asked my guidance for healing. I suspected it would be gone or at least much better by the morning.

This morning the kneecap pain is gone 🙂 but now my entire left side is stiff. I suspect my sciatic nerve is flaring up based upon the location of the pain (hip mostly). What is interesting is there was a block in the knee that the healer worked on for a quite a while. There was also a block in my left hip. Both were masculine and trauma related. I also had a similar block on my right hip.

The pain is bearable and will likely lessen with a hot bath and a stretch. The stiffness goes all the way up my thigh to my neck. Yuck!

 

 

 

 

 

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Message: Clearing Fear and Pain

What an amazing day it has been! Wow! I woke up feeling so amazing!

Dream: Caught in the Seat Belt

I was driving on a two lane highway when I spotted someone I knew parked on the side of the road. I pulled over to see if he needed help. I called him by name but don’t recall exactly who he was only that he was a father figure (masculine aspect) to me. He was older, maybe 60s, graying hair and thin. He seemed to be caught in his seat belt (security, safety).

I went over the help and he was embarrassed because the seat belt was across his groin and his privates were exposed. I went to try and untangle it and saw his privates but they looked odd, like intestines or something similar. His testicles were both caught and I spent a while pulling on them. They unrolled and dangled very long again looking like intestines more than testicles.

I said should I called 911 several times and eventually I just called. A man answered. He sounded very hill billy. There was sound in the background like a party or gathering going on. I told him where we were “Highway 51 on the way to Jarrell”. He asked for more information but then I saw my mom pull up in a car. She had a knife and immediately cut the old man loose. He was free and relieved. I asked the old man if he still wanted them to come check him out. After no response I told 911 not to come.

In-Between Meeting and Message

I ended up in a large auditorium classroom. A man was on the stage and I was the only other person there with him. I stood below him and looked up at him on the stage. I had come for advice and he felt like a teacher – perhaps a guide? He was explaining how the rest of the world had been working on the top portion of the energy field and gave me the rundown on how this was playing out. Basically he said work was being done to reestablish the connection to the spiritual/Universe/God by clearing those blockages that kept one from their intuition, guidance and higher self. Those who accomplished this might feel they are finished because they often get to experience that connection first hand and it is life changing. Some may feel stuck or seeming to make no progress while others will be just beginning this process, newly awakened and in “awe”.

However, the work is not done after the connection is reestablished. He told me I had moved on to the next part of the task which is clearing the lower portion of the field. I saw an energy field as two circles intersecting with a human figure in the middle – a vesica piscis. He explained that the bottom area where the circles intersected was the area to be cleared. He told me this area contained “fear and pain” and gave me the type of symptoms that would be experienced with this clearing. The examples I got were in visuals. For example, I saw thoughts exploding out from a person in the form of words and images and falling to the floor as the person desperately tried to scoop them up. I was shown how the darkness contained just as much beauty as the Light and this I understood as truth. My understanding was that the symptoms involved much confusion, panic, anxiety, fear, and an overall sense of impending doom or losing one’s mind. I told him I understood and with relief we discussed how I had gotten through the toughest part which took around six weeks (since mid-August). Relieved I asked him what was next. He told me something else was coming, like another opportunity or option. He said, “it is up to you what you decide”. It did not feel bad, just seemed like a heads up that I would get a choice soon and it didn’t matter what I decided really just that I could decide and had a choice. At the time I did not see it as a bad or good thing, just something I needed to be aware of.

I was shown how the human aura (still looking like a purple vesica piscis only in 3D) formed a tunnel that flowed in both directions – up and down simultaneously. The flow can’t just go up, it also has to go down, constantly cycling, Earth to Heaven, Heaven to Earth. The lower portion is undergoing a massive clearing. The advice was similar to other dreams where I was told “look forward” and put on “blinders”. Focusing ahead and not behind or to the side. The fear will breed more fear, pain more pain. I understand this advice as I relate it to being afraid of the dark. How when I was a child in the dark I would stare straight ahead, walking toward the light, doing my best to ignore the dark shadows that lurked to the side and behind me.

I recall shifting back into my body a couple of times during this visit. My body was vibrating very high to where it felt as if I were being shaken. I slipped easily back into the in-between each time.

When the visit was over, I entered a lucid dream where I was outside on a sidewalk. It was bright and sunny outside with greenery and the smell of Spring. I remember thinking of the crazy feeling and the paranoia I experienced not long ago and how I worried about so many things I should not, like what people think of me. I got down on the sidewalk and rested face down, arms and legs splayed, thinking, “I don’t care what people think.” Laying there on the warm concrete felt good. Grounding.

I sat up and felt relief. Looking around at the place, which appeared to be the outside a building with paved, dark asphalt roads, shrubbery, and parking lot, I saw someone I recognized in the distance. She was looking toward the parking lot as if talking to someone. I called out her name, “Angela!” She turned and looked at me. I said, “Hey! I’ve been thinking about you!” My old friend came over to me, still looking a bit dazed and deep in thought, and asked me how I’d been. I told her that I had just been through a real tough time but was finally on the other side of it. She nodded her understanding and seemed to relate, tears slowly coming out of her eyes. Then a woman appeared out of the blue and said to Angela, “See, I told you she didn’t forget you.” Angela began to cry in relief and I said, “Of course I didn’t forget about you!”

Message

I came back to my body and lingered in the in-between for a while, thinking about the discussion I had with the “professor” and the strange encounter with my old friend. I truly believe that I stumbled upon her while she was dreaming. Perhaps she called to me or maybe our energies just synced. Whatever the case, I emailed her and told her about the dream. I hope she is well.

While lingering in bed I heard, “Gila National Forest” and “healing”. I came out of my reverie suddenly and wondered about it. Where was it? Arizona? Oh yeah, New Mexico. My husband is from that area and I told him about it and the “healing” message. He and I will be planning a trip there in November. I want to go visit the cave dwellings among other things.

The entire day I have been feeling blessed, happy, and optimistic. The song, Stay was going through my mind most of the morning – “All you have to do is stay a minute, just take your time. The clock is ticking, so stay”.

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Lucid Dream: Are You My Friend?

Went to bed feeling a bit unsettled. My chest was feeling odd and I had thoughts before bed that felt intrusive, as if I was being spoken to by a spirit with evil intent. The thoughts were the kind that induce the anxiety and then I start to feel like my heart is beating wrong or my chest hurts, etc. I believe it said things like, “You will die” but I can’t remember now exactly what it said, just that it was not good and sparked the anxiety response.

Lucid Dream: Are You My Friend?

I had lots of strange dreams but the one I recall now caused tears.

In the dream I was following this blonde woman around a suburban neighborhood. It felt a bit like The Walking Dead the way we were trying not to be seen or heard. We would go past a house and I would know that someone might be looking out the window and if they saw us would come out and attack (distrust in others). I recall telling the woman that I knew the man in one house was not good as I had seen him and his wife before and they were not right in the head.

Then we were in a house with others sitting in chairs as if in a group meeting. The woman was not paying me any attention but I wanted it very badly from her. I can’t remember what was said now but it led to the next part.

A vision appeared in front of me as if through a window. I could see people sitting in bleachers (spectators, not actively participating) all facing the same direction as if watching a game. My consciousness went through the window and into the scene. I was very lucid and had the thought, “I wonder if any of them were really my friends?” I was remembering when I spent time in TN with the walk-in group as well as the time I went to Mt. Shasta. The feeling of belonging was wonderful. I had felt to be truly part of something bigger. I felt seen and understood more than I had before and there was hope that I would not have to go through this life feeling so different from everyone anymore. Yet all of it vanished and is now gone as if it never was. So I wondered, was any of it ever real? Were any of them ever truly my friends?

Now in the scene with the people sitting in the bleachers I approached each of them, looking closely at them and seeming to recognize them, only they were not anyone I recall from this lifetime. I remember asking them one by one, “Are you my friend?” Most seemed not to hear me and I began to get upset and cry.

Eventually, though, they began to acknowledge me. One woman who looked Native American turned to me and said, “Yes.” Then another person and another. Each responded with compassion and emotion. With each response I began to feel relief and the relief turned to tears. Yet at the same time there was this sadness and a feeling that beyond the dream scene I could not trust any human to be true to their word. That all of them would betray my trust in some way. This caused me to feel even more alone.

Protect Yourself

My tears woke me up and I felt more certain than ever that some negative entity was intruding into my thoughts, brought back by the fear/panic/anxiety that has recently become such a nuisance. Each time I thought to consult with my guidance I would withdraw because the chance that what I received back could be influence by a negative entity was likely. With my mind quiet I feel even more alone, though. Yet I know that, like years ago, my internal dialogue right now needs to be strictly controlled.

Dreams and other incidences in my life suggest that I need to protect myself right now. Some examples are: 1. A friend recently told me I should protect myself, 2. Yesterday I came across an article about a man struggling with a “demon” that constantly sent him negative thoughts, and 3. Various dreams and messages to protect myself. I believe the silencing of my internal dialogue is part of protecting myself as is the awareness of what is getting through and its origins – like last night, when the negative statements created an instant panic response. This needs to be addressed. But how? I know that this entity feeds off my fear and insecurities. If “entity” is even the right word.

It may just be that this entity or whatever it is just comes about when my fear levels rise high enough or it could be that all along it has been there hiding, disguising itself as one of my guides and creating the upset. I know that early on in my journey (2004ish) I chose to stop talking to my “guides” because it became clear to me that they were not helpful. I stopped the internal dialogue and went into a Dark Night coming out the other side to a marriage and family but years of silence from my guidance until my OBEs returned as did my guidance. But the guidance was different (felt not heard) and I did not return to the constant internal conversation with them that I had before. It could be that I fell back into that routine out of a need for company and reassurance and the previous negative voice was unintentionally invited back.

In the past, silencing my internal dialogue worked. Perhaps it will again? I have been doing it so far fairly successfully but the fear brings it on and it is hard not to hear the negative thoughts. I have to consciously replace them with, “I am alright. I will be okay” along with thoughts about what is right and good about my life.

Then there is the feeling that I can’t really trust another human. It is a belief, really. I like to think that humans are innately good but my experience tells me another story. Perhaps it is just that humans will do what is in their best interest; they are selfish and preoccupied with the “I”. Men will say pretty much anything to get what they want. “I will never leave you” is a statement to be wary of. In fact, any statement that uses the words, “never” and “always” are flags to be wary of. Women will pretend to like you as long as you pretend to like them but won’t hesitate to say bad things about you to others rather than tell you personally what issues they have with you (passive-aggressive). Expectation and judgment is everywhere and creates constant conflict. It clings to humans like clothing.

I am left wondering if any of my experiences in this lifetime were what they seemed to be. The walk-in group and the people I met so disappeared practically over night. The period of time where I practiced mediumship and had hopes of making it my career – vanished as if it never was. The heart connection that blew me away, disappeared as if just a dream. All the crazy but amazing “ET” encounters and Kundalini lessons have stopped as if they were just my imagination.

The only thing that has remained consistent is my family and mundane life experience. Husband, children, mother, brother, sisters, extended family – all the same with the same issues.

Then there is me feeling such loss when it comes to the spiritual and spiritual connections I have made. It makes me wonder if the “path” is even a path at all? Perhaps I have been tricked all along?

Ultimately, all I can do is go with how I feel on what to do and that means silence my internal dialogue the best I can and focus on the physical for a while.

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My CBD Oil Experience and Dream: Haunted Mansion

It’s been a pretty calm week for which I am grateful. Though I have had some anxiety it has been mild in comparison to the previous month.

I successfully completed all my workouts for this week without any major issues. There was one time early in the week that I had to stop working out because of an elevated heart rate, though. I am pretty sure it was anxiety that triggered it but it continued to stay elevated longer than I would like. My solution was to try a couple of techniques I had read online – put face in ice water (lol) and pull knees into my chest. The ice water worked especially well but then who likes to put their face in ice water? lol The knees into chest works good, too, so I will likely be my go-to method in the future.

The rest of the week I had no problems with heart rate or anxiety.

CBD Oil

I have been researching the use of CBD oil for anxiety and sleep for while and finally bit the bullet and ordered some. I purchased a brand called Receptra Naturals. The one I decided on contains 1500mg of CBD oil per container. It arrived three days ago and I immediately took some before bed.IMG_5790.JPG

The first night I took approximately 1/3 of a dropper, about 15 mg CBD oil. The effects were mild – I felt calmer and more focused. As I relaxed into sleep my third-eye and crown chakras lit up nicely and my mind went very quiet. I fell asleep quite quickly.

I did not wake as often throughout the night as usual but when I did wake I felt weird. My mouth was very dry and I had this strange feeling in my head. I was too tired to care and easily returned to sleep. I ended up sleeping 10+ hours and it was very difficult to get out of bed. Once I got out of bed I had really great day. I even drove to work without any anxiety issues.

The next night I went ahead and took half a dropper – 22mg. It gave similar results – dry mouth, weird feeling in my head, drowsiness, longer sleep. When I woke up this time after another 10 hours of sleep, my stomach was giving me issues (aching, gas) and it took me a while to get moving.

I took a little less last night, back to the 1/3 dropper. The dry mouth was not an issue and the strange feeling in my head was gone. However, this morning I am struggling to get moving and it is already nearly noon! When I went for a walk I felt dizzy and had to cut it short (heart rate was lower than usual). Rather than my stomach hurting, this morning I have full blown diarrhea. 😦

It may not be the CBD oil causing the stomach issues, but it sure looks like the culprit from where I stand. Yes, I am sleeping really well with less interruptions. Yay! BUT if I am going to have intestinal issues and this weird drugged feeling for half the morning the entire time I use the stuff it may not be right for me.

I looked up side-effects of CBD oil and found: Side-effects are usually mild and include hypotension [low blood pressure], dry mouth, psychomotor slowing [slowed thoughts or movements], lightheadedness, and sedation.

It doesn’t include intestinal problems, so maybe that is unrelated?

Low blood pressure is likely the main cause for how I am feeling. I had it with pregnancy (like 90/50 low) and it made me feel exactly like I have been feeling in the mornings. I am so tired and low energy I just end up back in bed. I feel like a sloth in slow motion. LOL Since my blood pressure is already low from all the exercise I do, my walk this morning probably made it worse for a short time after. Ugh.

I can always take less oil, I suppose. Not sure if I will use it tonight or not. I really, really love the sleep it gives me!

Dream: Haunted Mansion

I am having some very interesting dreams, though, which I won’t complain about.

This dream began with me flying toward a large mansion (connection with others) that was known to be haunted (bad memories, unresolved issues). I had previously been chasing a small bird, a parakeet (desiring freedom) or similar, and somehow ended up outside looking at the mansion. It was locked and so I began to toss something toward it. I am not sure what it was but it cracked the windows above the entry. I flew inside.

Everything inside was grayish in color. I remember noting that it looked as if whoever had been there stopped in the middle of what they were doing and left in a hurry.

I went into a bedroom (private self) and noted how the beds were in the middle of being made. I looked through a tall dresser and saw women’s underwear (personal beliefs and sexuality). Some were very large and others much smaller. The large ones were so big I was amazed at their size. They also looked very dated. Typical “granny panties” but made of silk with lace trim. I remembering seeing a pair that was a size “S” and thinking, “These are more my size”.

I flew around the mansion exploring for a while. It was massive with such high ceilings that they seemed to go on forever. I opened a closet door and there was another smaller door inside. When I opened the smaller door I saw stairs leading down (subconscious, unknown) and thought, “I’m not going down there.”

At one point I walked out on this indoor balcony (seeing things from a distance) and encountered people but they were not solid and seemed to flicker in and out. I knew they were ghosts, probably those who once inhabited the mansion.

As I was preparing to leave the balcony it seemed to shift almost as if it were going to crumble. I turned around to go back the way I came and there was a man standing there. Somehow I knew he was the one in control there.

The dream gets hazy here but I remember this man commanded the others ghosts into a type of giant orgy but because they were ghosts it looked like they were all blending into each other until they became a giant blob of moving mist. I was told I could not leave until I had sex with this man. I remember being given a choice but it seemed like I had no choice.

Considerations

This is the second night in a row that I’ve had a strange sex-themed dream like this. The night before I was having an in-depth conversation with a man about sexual desire and how it is totally normal and very human to desire such things. Then I’m in a haunted house being told I have to have sex or else….but I can’t remember what the “else” was now. Just weird!

The feeling I had during the dream was mostly curiosity. I was happy and curious to explore this “haunted” but beautiful mansion that kind of reminded me of something from Scooby-doo from the outside. lol The ghosts didn’t scare me. In fact, I remember talking to them. The man intimidated me but also did not scare me. My memory of him is hazy, his face overcast with shadows but with enough light that it was as if from a scary movie.

 

 

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Immersion

I’ve been taking it easy and giving myself time to recover, heal and relax. While the week started out high-anxiety, I am finishing it feeling much more like my old self – well actually better because my anxiety level is lower than prior to the major panic attack in August.

I stopped drinking my half-caffeine cup of coffee in the morning four days ago. I suffered a bad headache that was not relieve by Ibuprofin the first day (caffeine withdrawal). By the second day my headache was pretty much gone and yesterday it was non-existent. This morning I am happily drinking a cup of decaf.

I’ve also added yoga again to my nightly routine. I stopped temporarily and never got back into it because of everything that was going on. This time I am doing Clubbell Yoga again, without the clubbell for now. I also continued my walks with Monty and upped the pace yesterday with some short periods of jogging here and there without incident. All the while I am tracking my heart rate to make sure it is recovering properly. At first my heart rate was spiking and then taking much too long to recover but it has been improving. I’m not where I was previously just yet but I think as I get a handle on my anxiety that it will get back to normal.

Yesterday I took some time to treat myself to a haircut and another visit to the nail salon. Getting out the door of my house was a bit nerve wrecking because I had thoughts of being hit with panic while driving and being away from home. The farther I drove from home the higher my anxiety went but I got a grip on it and by the time I walked into the hair salon all anxiety had vanished. My main thoughts were, “If I don’t drive, I never will. If I don’t go out on my own, I never will. If I give into the anxiety, it wins.” For me, the worst possible outcome of this anxiety lesson is the potential for me to withdraw further and further into myself and become completely disable by it.

With my background in counseling and personal experiences with anxiety, I am definitely a proponent of immersion therapy – confront it (fear, anxiety, panic) and it will lessen and eventually go away or become manageable. It works every time. If I know the anxiety is triggered by exercise then I keep exercising. If it is triggered by driving, then I keep driving. Yeah, that’s why I keep running and lifting weights, in case you were saying to yourself, “What the hell is she thinking!?” lol

Sometimes the only way I can confront the fear and panic is to get to the point where I can accept the worst case scenario. My inner dialogue is something like this, “If I have a panic attack in the store and end up collapsing, so be it. If I am driving and it happens and it feels like I am going to pass out, I will just pull over. If I end up in hysterics around random strangers, so what?” For me, the fear of being vulnerable and weak and out of control are the worst. I have to accept that asking for help is OK and there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable and/or weak.

The more conscious I am of my anxiety, the more I aware I am becoming of just how tense I am. My anxiety level is almost always at a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. The only time it is lower is if I am at home (or in a “safe” place) doing relaxing things like taking a bath, watching TV, mediating or….sleeping. lol Recently, I recognized that I tend to relax at the hair and nail salon, thus the frequent trip to get manicures (not my thing usually). When I get my nails done I get so relaxed that I start to get sleepy or I get this release response where I just want to cry in relief. Weird because the nail salon is usually very busy but they play calming music and there is something very calming about Asian women I think, too.

Overall, it feels like this sudden spurt of anxiety is a blessing in disguise. It is teaching me to pay attention to my body and to take care of my emotional and spiritual health by doing things that are relaxing and soothing. It is showing me my irrational side, the fearful inner child aspect, and just how important it is to her/me to feel safe and loved. I have become more cognizant of my thoughts and self-dialogue, especially those that can act to trigger panic. Instead of shutting the thoughts down I respond to them with love and acceptance, reminding myself that life is unpredictable and bad things will happen, but so will good things, and if I/we worry all the time about the bad things then we will miss the good ones. And I find myself living more in the present, which I think is the biggest help of all.

The more clear I get on this whole panic/anxiety crap, the more obvious it is to me that this is a MAJOR clearing, initiated by the Kundalini. She can be so brutal!! Resolution will only come with surrender and acceptance. I have to allow it to happen, even if it feels like it is going to kill me (which it literally does!).

Dream: Matchmaker

Shifting to another topic now. 🙂 I have to include this odd dream.

The dream began at a gathering. My husband was with me. There was a lady leading a group of people and assigning each person to another. It was soon obvious that it was a kind of matchmaking (choice to be made) group.

I was matched with this foreign (new, unfamiliar situation) man with dark hair and an accent. There I was standing with my husband looking at this man I was assigned to and thinking how weird it was. I balked, of course, and my husband began to nag me about it, insisting that I go along with the process.

The man and I spoke for a while. For some odd reason I presented him with a present. A small orange tree (good news). I asked him if it would do well in the area he lived. In my mind I saw Italy (romance, enjoyment of life). He assured me that it would do well, even thrive, and took my gift without hesitation. We talked a bit about the climate and I recall seeing a scene in my mind of where he was from. Then it was time to go and he left. I was given a slip of paper with instructions. The lady facilitator told me, “If you like him then you log into this forum at 11pm and continue to get to know each other. If not, then don’t.”

I put away the slip of paper. I did not intend to log in.

Then I was inside a Wal-Mart (a bargain) but sitting at a table as if in a restaurant. Three people came to join me. A couple and the man who I had just been assigned to previously. I felt very uncomfortable through the whole encounter. I remember being asked if I had to choose between two men, who would I choose. I told them the darker haired man would be my choice. There was a strange feeling present that is barely memorable now and hard to describe. It is kinda like a nervous apprehension.

We all left together and I lagged behind the group until I could no longer see them ahead of me. I walked and walked and ended up in an unfamiliar place. I realized I had kept walking when my car was parked right outside the Wal-Mart. I decided to look up the address on my phone, found the location and then started walking back. I knew to walk toward a large cathedral (spirituality), so I did.

As I walked I realized I had left my backpack (decisions and responsibilities that hinder me)behind. I worried at first but then realized I had everything I needed with me. Then I saw that I was only wearing my underwear (private self). I looked around and no one seemed to notice and I thought, “It must look like I am wearing a bathing suit (confronting uncertainty).”

 

 

 

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OBE: Bear

Yesterday was another rough day anxiety-wise. I felt pretty decent most of the morning. After my morning walk and a nice, high carb lunch, I decided to do my workout. Half-way through I began to feel panicky and had to stop. My heart rate stayed high but not too high and I just felt “off”. It is like my entire stomach fills with this dis-ease and that feeling moves to my chest where it feels like it begins to catch fire, but only barely, a subtle pressure in the center of my chest.

I ended up calling my husband and he came home for lunch and helped me calm down but I remained in a low-grade panicked state for several hours after that (like right on the edge and barely holding myself together). It wasn’t until around 8pm after a nice talk with a female acquaintance that I finally began to feel normal again.

By bedtime I was exhausted but I continued to feel a little too energetic so it took me a while to fall asleep. I ended up having an interesting night.

Dream – Too Old for School

Had a dream where I was getting ready to go to school with my kids but we were in my Mom’s house. I  spent a long time trying to find the right clothes (how others perceive me, outward appearance/personality). I could not find anything with short sleeves. Some of the clothing was quite dated, too.

I remember the closet was a mess with my son’s clothes strewn about mixed in with my daughter’s clothes. I eventually selected an outfit with jeans and a very fancy top, high heels and over sized glasses (not at all my style lol). When I came out my mom said I was a bit too dressed up and looked like a teacher. I saw myself then, as if I flew outside of myself to take a look. I had small lines around my eyes and mouth and looked old and tired. That’s when I realized I was too old to go to school. So I stayed and put on another outfit. This one looked like a balloon skirt and was bright aqua-blue. It made me look quite obese.

Other Experiences

In the midst of a dream I can’t recall now, I found myself enveloped in a golden light laying on my side. I remember being separated into four sections. I continued to feel whole but there were four parts of me lined up and separated. The feeling I had was pure relaxation and peace. It was like tiny sprinkles of golden energy were falling down over me. When I realized where I was a male voice said, “Don’t worry” but it was too late. I was too alert and woke up.

Another time when I woke it was from a sharp pain in my chest. It was very short-lived but enough to wake me and worry me.

OBE – Bear

I rolled over and entered a semi-lucid dream where I was sitting on a sofa and kept sneezing (getting rid of unwanted things in my life). My SIL was standing near me and asked me how long I had been sick. I told her I wasn’t sick. It was just allergies. She asked how long it had been going on and I told her since the end of August. I remember sneezing a lot and she just sat there wiping her face as if I was sneezing directly on her but I was nowhere near her.

Then I was talking to my husband. He was behind a window (new perspective) with his arms folded over it. He said his brother thought I had been trying to hack into his computer. I told him I hadn’t.

Then I was walking to his brother’s house. I walked down a sidewalk and saw a blue cell phone (communication) on the ground along with some other things. I remember thinking my BILs kids must have left it there. I almost picked it up but then opted to just leave it knowing they would come out and get it.

As I was walking I felt light and floaty. I suspected I was OOB so began to test it out by jumping into the air and trying to fly. When I didn’t hit the ground fast but instead floated a bit I launched into the air. My vision went black but I didn’t care. I stayed up in the air, happy and feeling free. Even though I knew I was OOB I had a distinctly distant feeling from the whole experience and I was able to perceive my sleeping body the entire time.

I began to spin really fast, imagining the Earth spinning on its axis. I began see bits and pieces of color as I spun. Then the whole scene lit up and I saw ahead of me a red brick building. To my right was bright green grass and a sidewalk with tall hedges. I floated up and moved over the building, enjoying the feeling of flying. There was a brief concern about my sleeping body. Would it cause my heart rate to increase? Would it be harmful? But the thought passed as quickly as it came.

When I looked down I noticed a big, black bear (strength, power, independence) nudging its way into the door of the house/apt. I yelled at him, “Hey! What do you think you are doing? You can’t go in there!” I flew over and above the bear’s head. He stopped and looked up. I lightly touched the tip of his nose, laughed and launched myself higher into the air. He followed me from below, curious, and I kept just out of his reach. The whole time I was talking to him but can’t recall my words now.

I came back into my body and my heart was pounding.

More Anxiety

My heart rate remained elevated long enough to bother me so that eventually I got out of bed. I felt the weird anxious feeling most of the day today on and off. I opted to go into the office rather than stay home because I wanted to stay close to my husband and others just in case I started to feel overwhelmed again. Thankfully, I felt pretty good at the office. Only problem was I got a splitting headache (still have it) from not drinking any coffee this morning. 😦

I had my husband drop me home after lunch so I could be home when the kids got home from school. My headache got really bad and so I got into bed to rest. I ended up taking an hour long nap! Not like me! I feel somewhat better now but the headache is still there. Oh well.

It is funny to me how wonderful I feel when the anxiety dissipates. I suddenly feel a burst of energy and relief, as if I am freed from chains. When the anxiety is high I feel trapped by it, unable to go places or do things I would normally do for fear that I will freak out, pass out or burst into tears. Where I am normally a person who likes my alone time, when my anxiety is high I actively seek out others, especially my family. My husband has been very patient and sympathetic, coming whenever I call, driving me places and trying to distract me.

The anxiety makes me feel like a scared little girl and the entire world is suddenly full of things that could hurt me. It is so weird! I have to really work hard not to get caught up in “what if” thoughts – what if the panic never goes away? What if I can’t drive anymore? What if I can’t function anymore? Then it just vanishes and I am free and feeling I can do anything and everything again. And then the switch flips and it starts all over again.

I hope my dreams are indicative of how this all will end – that it will end. To anyone who suffers from generalized anxiety disorder, I FEEL YA!