Category Archives: Healing

by

Revisiting 2006

 

I’ve been having this strange feeling that I am missing something, something that should be obvious. Kind of like I’m not seeing the forest for the trees. The feeling has been nagging me for over a week now. I hate being nagged!

In considering this feeling, I am reminded of the worst part of my Dark Night in 2005. What is happening now that corresponds to what happened then?

There are major difference, of course. I was unemployed in 2005 time and had hit rock bottom. Though I am unemployed now, it is by choice and I am by no means near rock bottom.  The depression in 2005 was the worst ever. It seemed I never stopped crying and no path, no option seemed attractive to me. So I stayed stuck and dug myself deeper into the pit of despair. Currently, I would not call what I am experiencing as depression. It is melancholy sometimes and definitely lack of motivation, but nothing like what I experienced in 2005.

The similarities are that I am resisting movement toward a certain path. Back then, it was the path away from my spiritual calling and it infuriated me that I would be asked to go back to teaching. I refused and as long as I did so, I was miserable. I had episodes that scared the bejesus out of me as well. So much that I ended up seeking out a psychiatrist who said I was having psychotic breaks and was Bipolar (lol). Thankfully, now the resistance is not manifesting so traumatically. Plus, the movement is back toward a spiritual path. I should be jumping for joy, but I’m not. Instead, I am resisting. I’m super suspicious,  wondering if my guidance is leading me down the rabbit hole once again. Been there, done that, don’t wanna go back to that if I can avoid it. Back then I called it “delusions of grandeur”. haha

The primary difference between now and then is that this time my heart is online. It is strikingly obvious to me, though, that my reaction to the coming change in direction of my life is almost identical. I’m afraid of change. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of failure. Afraid to believe that maybe, just maybe I will get what I’ve always wanted. Huh?

2006

I read recently that astrologically, this year corresponds to 2006. The life issues and lessons you did not successfully learn or that still need some learning will come up for re-inspection. I suspect this is why memories of the Fall of 2005 are returning to me. It’s a heads up. Hey, you, looks like you didn’t finish this there issue. Time to pay the piper. lol

2006 was a pretty good year. I reluctantly (more like forced to) followed my guidance and got a teaching job, relocated, lived on my own and began to rebuild my life. I learned that I enjoyed being single (hey hey!) and after multiple lame relationships decided I didn’t need anyone but myself. No more men. No more BS. lol And I integrated the spiritual back into my life despite the fact that I had been led to discard it. I recognized that just because I was being led to work a mundane job did not mean I had to stop being spiritual or doing what I enjoyed.

I wouldn’t say I had beaten the Dark Night but in 2006 I was definitely emerging back into the light. Finding my footing. Reconnecting with mySelf. By that December I was in my own Power more than any other time in my life. Pretty awesome, huh?

So it has me wondering, what exactly am I needing to tweak from 2005-2006? Obviously, there is the “follow your heart” message. Got that one loud and clear. In 2005 it nearly drowned me to resist where I was being led. Damn I am stubborn. lol

The being alone, being at peace with aloneness lesson was well-learned. In fact, I would love to learn that one again. Meaning? Probably not a lesson this time around. Ha! Thinking it may be a lesson in reverse considering I have been in cave mode so long. How many people and energies does it take to break me? One? Hahaha

And the “done with men” lesson? Hmmm Not sure there. Maybe still needs some tweaking. lol In looking at it more carefully, though, I think that lesson was more standing in my own power and not thinking I somehow needed a man in my life. Feeling I do need to revisit that one. I just need to remember what my own Power feels like and not give it away so willingly. (OMG thinking I will cry now that I am re-reading this part)

The other lesson is balance. Balancing the spiritual and mundane in my life, specifically career-wise. It CAN be done. I did it. Successfully. Had I not met my now husband in 2007 I would probably have continued to do it successfully. I suspect my spiritual business would have made the same or more money as my teaching job back then had I continued with it. Instead, I chose to dump it altogether. The idea of starting a family won out over my spiritual goals and aspirations. At the time, it seemed to be the path I was suppose to take and I have no doubt it was now. And yeah, I chose to go all-out 3D. Sucker! 🙂

So there is likely a return to that lesson coming as well. Hmmm. And there was with that a taste of the unexpected. The universe brought to me what I needed and I didn’t even know I needed/wanted it.

I also learned that when you don’t resist the path you are meant to be on, the universe provides in abundance. When I accepted I was to return to teaching I was offered work without even having to put forth much effort. It actually irritated me back then because, well, I didn’t want to be on that path. lol

Okay, well I think that is it but maybe more will reveal itself in time. A lot happened in 2006. I grew exponentially – by leaps upon leaps and bounds. Perhaps remembering this is to give me strength for the coming year. Remember I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and thrived despite myself, so I can do it again if need be. <—–BINGO.

 

 

 

 

 

by

Determined to See This Through

The heart fire is coming and going and bringing with it all kinds of emotions. I am grateful for it’s return because I feel more alive when it is present despite the inner conflict that arises within me.

Yesterday, about mid-afternoon, I went into grief for no apparent reason. Thankfully, I am able to observe these releases and with this one it was easy to see that my grief stemmed from my inability to act on the divine love I have for my counterpart. I almost laughed out loud because it felt like what I would expect a horrible breakup would feel like. Since I have not experienced feelings of such magnitude I can only speculate that “breakup” grief is what it resembles.

In an attempt to understand my grief and this amazing connection I have been blessed with, I asked for help. I was led to read WP, checking Reader for new posts. I stumbled upon this post. The synchronicities blew me away and I began to wonder about one of my recent dreams. I reread that dream and connections were made.

My dreams have been pointing me in the direction of healing for as long as I can remember. How blind I have been! The emotional release accompanying this realization confirmed I was on the right track.

Then I was led to read another of my past posts. The synchronisities screamed at me. I had not noticed them when the post was written but now, now they are so obvious! This part especially hit home:

As we left for the evening, I had to leave behind my new friends and rejoin my family. I felt torn and there was agony in my decision. I walked toward my “old” family carrying a large trailer behind me. It was as if I were the car and it (a huge trailer) was hitched to me. As I walked along the road, I encountered masses of people walking toward me – the wrong way. They were drunk and dazed and I remember thinking, “They don’t see me”.

The entire walk home one of my new friends accompanied me. He and I had a strong connection, one that made me feel alive again. It was like he was my soul mate (if such a thing exists).

When I got home I remember I forgot my keys but decided to not go back. I had crossed through a “gate” of some sort and to go back through it would mean going through a “check-point” and I didn’t want to risk getting caught. What I was getting caught for, I don’t know.

When I woke up I was very sad and questioning why. I felt completely and utterly dissociated from my life, my family, and everyone I know. The feeling was so intensely real that I figured it must mean I needed to disconnect from my life and everyone in it. I believed this to the point that I even looked online for an apartment and told my husband I wanted to move out.

The realization of all of this, all of this I had not seen, blew me away. Of course, I can’t be so hard on myself. I was unable to see it at that time. So much had not yet been revealed to me. But now, now I know.

The first dream was warning me of what was to come. The destruction is my entire life, my foundations, falling down around me. Tear it all down and then build it back up. It is destruction of the old me to make way for the new. It is also representative of how my world was turned upside down in December 2015. The ReUnion threw me into chaos for a time and, like the second dream stated so clearly, “I had crossed through a ‘gate’ of some sort’ and there is was going back.

Everything in bold is how I felt the end of December through January. My whole life felt wrong and I so desperately wanted out of it and to join my new friend.

Putting it all together, my mind was made up. This last hurdle must be confronted and destroyed if I am to get to the other side. Going back is not an option.

waterfall

Dream: Waterfall

I went to bed asking to move forward. “Show me what I need to see,” I said. My Companion whispered to me, “Remember.” I knew this was a good sign.

In the dream I on a boat with a male friend. He resembled the man who I call my counterpart except this time he was much younger and his skin a bit lighter. I sensed he had more “life” in him than before.

We were on a fast flowing, massive river similar in size to the Amazon. It was forking in front of us. Both sides equal except for one thing. The path on the left had lines strung over it filled with live chickens hanging by their feet. They were flapping their wings and squawking loudly. On the right there was also a line but on it there were only two live chickens flapping about.

Together we chose the path to the right and navigated down the river. The rapids grew stronger and tossed us about. I knew not many took this path and that the reason was because it ended in a huge waterfall.

As we approached the waterfall, I saw a brilliant white mansion to the right. I knew no one lived in it. I had been there before.

In front of us the river narrowed substantially and its waters were channeled between pillars of concrete. It was a dam of some sort. My partner asked me if I was ready and I said, “Can’t we go around?” He said, “We shouldn’t.” Then we jumped into the river and swam to the left bank. We crawled out and sat upon the concrete together, both of us completely naked. To our right the sound of the waterfall was prominent. I felt exhausted and lay down to rest. My partner sat next to me and looked down at me. I could see him clearly and recognized him. He was nearly my age now and so beautiful. I wanted to put my fingers in his dark hair but I didn’t. I just stared up at him.

Then he was talking to me but I heard no words. Instead he was writing all over my bare skin. He was writing messages to me. His writing covered every inch of me. I saw I had written messages on his skin, too. I knew I had nothing to hide from him and he had nothing to hide from me. I wish I could remember what he wrote now but all I recall is how gentle and loving he was. My heart overflowed with love for him.

Heart Blast

I woke up in tears. Gentle tears. Tears not of sorrow but of the most profound love. My heart was blazing but part of it, the upper right section, was tender. Instead of feeling grief and agony for the seeming separation I woke up to, I felt determined; brave. I felt as if I could do anything as long as he was by my side and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was….is by my side.

I lay in my bed immersed in the love that overflowed from my heart center and heard my Companion say, “There are some things we cannot do alone.” I knew what he meant and he was not referring to himself as my partner in this instance. It was time to focus on my physical counterpart now. In that moment all I wanted to do was go; to leave everything behind and find him. Yet I knew this was impossible and not appropriate. I have contracts to complete, a mission to accomplish. I must become Whole. And instead of feeling sad about it, I felt determined and undeterred.

Whatever the waterfall is, and I have a good idea of what it is, I CAN confront it and move past it. I do it not only for me, but for him. The kind of love we have is the kind that makes me want to do anything for him. I would lose my life if I had to. I guess that is the motivation I need to move past this because to do it just for me is not enough. I don’t feel I am worth it, but he is.

I want to add that had I known a love like this existed, was even possible, I never would have wasted my time with all the others. That love was a pretend love, a projected love. I don’t mean to negate any of my past experiences or past loves, but that is how I feel. If I had known, I would not have accepted anything but the real deal.

 

by

To Become Whole, We Must First Be Separate

Warning – this post could upset some of you, especially those of you who have experienced sexual trauma.

“To become Whole, We must first Be Separate”.

This was what I was told this morning when I awoke in tears from a dream directed at helping me to heal a major wound which I have been carrying with me for many, many lives.

Dream

In the dream I was a counselor who was told about an incident where a young girl witnessed her father molesting her little brother. In the dream, I actually witnessed it as well. I took the girl to report it and listened to her statement.

Then I shifted into a hospital setting and was laying in a bed. Everything was white. In front of me was this machine that I knew was an electroshock therapy machine. It was connected to me. I kept shocking myself over and over again with it. For some reason the shock made me feel better and I would smile. I both experienced and witnessed this as it occurred.

Then a man came into the room. I recognized him as my partner. He was completely naked. He radiated unconditional love and sympathy as he crawled into my hospital bed and snuggled up to me. I felt completely numb and did not respond to him.

When I awoke, I was crying uncontrollably. It was not sobbing, but more silent, slow tears that wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to stop them and my heart chakra was ablaze with a warm, comforting feeling. I heard from my Companion, “It’s not your fault.”

Healing a Deep Wound

The wound itself has been one of discussion in this blog before. It specifically comes from the past 3 lives prior to this one but is also a part of this lifetime.

The wound, simply put, is betrayal. More specifically, this betrayal is betrayal of love and trust. The love of a child for a parent. The love of a woman for her husband. The complete trust of a child that their parents will care for them, protect them, and nurture them because they are too small and too innocent to do so themselves. The complete trust of a wife in her husband and expectation that he will protect her and bear what she cannot.

With all this betrayal of love and trust also comes a feeling of complete abandonment by God.

There is also a complete disgust for mankind and the male gender in general.

To recap:

  • Most recent past life: I was murdered by my father at the age of 6. I am not sure why but Remembered this morning that my mother, who I thought innocent, was an accomplice. Betrayal by parents.
  • Life before that: I married a man who was abusive and raped me. Betrayal by husband.
  • Life before that: As a child I was molested by my own father after my mother’s death. Later in that life I was murdered by my own husband who also murdered our infant son and then killed himself. Betrayal by father. Betrayal by husband.

This Lifetime

Memories from this life also surfaced. When I was little, around 7 years old, I walked past our bathroom and saw our neighbor using the restroom in front of my little sister. He was asking her, “Do you want to touch it.” Horrified, I took my sister’s hand and told her, “No.” The moment will forever be ingrained in my memory.

I told my mom but I had no idea what, if anything, she did about. The neighbors eventually moved to Mexico, though.

Fast forward to 2003. On a road trip back from California, I fell asleep in the back seat only to awaken to the sound of my mom and older sister having a serious conversation. In it, I overheard that my sister had been molested by the neighbor when she was 10-11 years old. This was the same neighbor who I had seen trying to get my younger sister to touch him. I interrupted their conversation because I was totally shocked. My sister said, “I thought you knew about it. He did it to you, too.” I had no idea what she was talking about.

She went on to tell of what exactly he did and how he use to touch all three of us when swimming in our pool. My sister has struggled with healing from her experiences her whole life.

I still have no memory of any of it.

In recalling all of this, I wondered if maybe I buried memories from this life to save myself from what my sister is still struggling to heal. I honestly don’t think that he did to me what he did to her, but I have feelings that do not make sense from that time in my life. I also have huge gaps in my memory from that time in my life.

Connecting the Dots

Beliefs and feelings were obvious to me. It was like a flood of information, as if all the weeks of deep sleep and healing were finally revealed.

Love is painful. Men are not to be trusted. It was my fault, so I should be punished.

There are other false beliefs but these are the main ones. The last, especially, is troublesome because it is the last belief that continues the cycle.

My guidance has long told me, “You are special”. It was repeated this morning. This time, however, I understood why. This phrase was often spoken to me when I was molested by my father in the first life in this cycle. Everything that happened after was associated with that phrase. That is why I always retract from it and experience fear when I hear it. I always think, “I am NOT special.” I don’t want to be special because to be special means accepting what happened to me and what I was – which was “bad”. In that lifetime I felt I was being punished – by my father and by God – but I had no idea what I had done wrong.

It was reiterated that none of it was my fault and that I need not be punished any longer. The emotions from that and the other lifetime resurfaced. Emotions of confusion of a child who loved his/her parents unconditionally only to suffer at their hands. Despite all of their mistreatment of me, I still loved them. I love them so much that I assumed it was not their fault but my own.

I was reminded that I reject love from others; I do not allow myself to be loved fully. Love is fully trusting in another. It is placing all of yourself in their hands. I refuse to do that. If I cannot do that, I cannot become Whole.

This wound is the last big hurdle I face in the path to Wholeness. I asked why I had not just healed it on the Other Side between lives. It was explained that when we are Home we are separated from much of the experience of the pain, so we cannot fully heal our wounds unless we are in the physical where they originated. When I return to the physical the pattern continues – I feel I should be punished and so I am. And it was never my fault to begin with.

 

 

 

 

 

by

Toroidal Fields and the Etheric Blueprint

It was an odd night. Oh how I wish I could remember my dreams! But it seems that upon waking I go into amnesia-mode and all is lost. Some of it returns later, but everything is mixed up and makes no sense. And I am so, so very drowsy! When my guidance tries to communicate with me, I can’t seem to stay in the in-between and end up drifting into dreams only to find my guide looking crossly at me and sending, “Why do we bother if you aren’t going to pay attention?”

Night Sweats

I awoke sometime early in the morning drenched in sweat. My sheets were wet and I was very uncomfortable. I had to get up to dry off. I have not had an experience such as this since I was taking Zoloft way back in the late 90’s. The antidepressant always had that side-effect and I hated it. Yet here I was sweating in the same manner and I haven’t touched that medication in over a decade, nor am I taking anything now other than vitamins and supplements. Weird.

My mind was alert to the fact that I had just been in a very in-depth dream, but at the time I could not remember it. I knew something important was going on, but unfortunately I could not keep my mind awake and fell back to sleep quite quickly, wet sheets and all.

Messages

I awoke right on schedule at 5:30am. Still tired and a bit irritated I tried to return to sleep but was reminded of the night sweat episode and the dream prior to it. I knew somehow that I had visited a place I had been visiting for a few weeks now. This place was very sterile looking – white and gray colors with tall ceilings and a hospital-like feel. In the dream I recall flashes of being with a group of people and several “dying” or being abducted. Intermixed with the dream symbols there is a vivid memory of what appears to be a very large moon – white and glowing like our moon. However, the feeling is that it is not a moon but a planet or something similar. The word that came into my mind was Chiron.

Upon researching Chiron, I found it is a planet or asteroid that often affects ones chart. It is a mediator between Uranus and Saturn. “Also known as the Planet of Healing, Chiron deals with all aspects of health and disease and how they affect our spiritual path.”

Curious, I looked up where Chiron falls in my chart. It is the 1st degree Taurus. Here was the explanation:

Interpretation of the 1° Taurus symbolic degree

“A dying man lies on the ground under the beams of the sunset. A half-naked woman passes by, limply reclining on a small chariot pulled by a horse.” (Janduz version)

Lazy, passive, and weak character. Ambitions are overwhelming and out of proportion. This is the reason why any effort remains useless. It is necessary to set oneself goals which match one’s capacities. This degree warns against risks of fraudulent bankruptcy, or destruction, caused by natural disasters such as earthquakes, fire, etc.

As I tried to remain focused upon what I was receiving, I saw a vivid image of a drawing. In the drawing were two identical representations of a human standing within what appeared to be a grid-like field. One of the human’s grids was egg-shaped and the other was more pointy with the field extending out from the left and right side of the body. I knew instantly that the two drawings were representative of toroidal fields. There was instant disinterest from me at this point. I just don’t care to get into all that and my guides know this. Yet, they continued to show me the image and I heard then, “Etheric blueprint” and knew that there was an exchange of one blueprint for another occurring. This has something to do with the soul exchange but again, I lost interest and fell into dreams. That is when I got the message that my guides didn’t want to waste their time if I was not going to pay attention. lol My response? Why am I so dang tired??

It is not lost to me that others who follow my blog (and vice versa) have also gotten information recently on blueprints and toroidal fields. Why am I getting this information now? I was too tired to ask and honestly I am still too tired. Seems I am getting an upgrade of some sort and this involves some major healing on the etheric level.

My dreams have been focusing on my past lately (lots of ex’s) and I am also seeing vast expanses of blue, either in dreams about the ocean or just seeing the blue completely fill my visual field. I suspect this is part of the healing that is occurring and the blue represents the throat chakra. So many pieces of the puzzle are clicking into place. I just wish my mental faculties were alert enough to process all the information. I suppose that after this healing is concluded I will be more able to understand it all.

 

 

 

 

by

Eliminate All Toxins

It is evident that this theme of the current cycle is to eliminate all toxins.

Toxins come in all shapes and forms. There is, of course, those toxins which exist within the physical body. These are perhaps the easiest to purge via a total body cleanse or special diet. We can then control (for the most part) that which we introduce into the body.

But there also exist toxic thoughts, feelings and beliefs. These toxins are not so easy to eliminate because we must first detect them in order to eliminate them.

Let’s first address toxic thoughts. Toxic thoughts here are defined as any thought which disrupts the flow of energy in the emotional and physical bodies. An example of a toxic thought would be a thought which limits or inhibits one’s natural tendency toward a particular feeling, intention or action. For example, if you suddenly feel the urge to touch a tree located across the street and think, “I can’t do that because _________”, then you have just thought a toxic thought. This is a mild example, but it gets the point across.

Another type of toxic thought would be cyclic, reactive thoughts which form the foundations of our beliefs. These thoughts often go undetected because they have become habitual. We have been thinking them so long, we believe them to be true and they have morphed into a belief. Some examples of these kinds of toxic thoughts would be, “I am stupid”, “No one loves me”, “No one listens to me,” and the list goes on.

Finally, there are toxic feelings. These feelings are feelings we think we should feel. They are fake feelings; feelings we have created. They are not our natural state. They exist because someone or some thing (experience) put them there. A prime example would be media and its effects upon us, specifically in the areas of sexuality and gender.

If you have not yet noticed the pattern here, all three – thoughts, feelings and beliefs – are intricately connected. One does not exist without the presence of the other. One, in fact, triggers the other.

So how does one eliminate these toxins?

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to that question. One can’t eat a certain diet or fast and achieve lasting, permanent results when it comes to these kinds of toxins. One must literally start from the inside and work their way out. We must become observers of our thoughts and feelings and then, like a detective, follow those thoughts and feelings to the beliefs they are connected to.

It sounds easy, but the circuits and booby traps of the mind make this process almost impossible. The very toxic thoughts we are trying to eliminate keep us from finding them. “I am stupid” for example, or “I can’t do anything right”. Sound familiar?

I can’t say I have achieved any lasting results when it comes to eliminating these kinds of toxins, but I am learning and becoming more and more aware of them. My dreams have been revealing them to me in little chunks over the last few days. When a thought or feeling arises, I am now more cognizant of them. This eliminates them for the time being. The beliefs are much more tricky. There are so many, and so many variations on the same theme, that it seems an impossible task.

From my experience and guidance I have learned that the best way to cleanse ourselves of toxic thoughts, feelings and beliefs is to remain in the present moment as best we can. The next best thing is to be aware of signs and symbols present in both our waking hours and sleep. Our guidance is always presenting us with the answers and solutions. We just need to listen and be willing to take action when needed.

by

Dream: Flying Whale

I slept extremely well last night despite this lingering cold. I was gifted with a brilliantly vivid dream, one that left me feeling full of hope.

Dream: Flying Whale

I visited Montana in my dreams last night. I lived there from 1997-2001, mostly in the areas of Helena and Bozeman. The mountains in that area are spectacular. No matter how miserable I was, if I looked up at the mountains I would instantly be reminded of the splendor and wonder of this planet we call Earth. Mountains remind me of Home so I often return to Montana in my dreams.

I was visiting with my old family alongside my current family. We were reminiscing about old times. Specifically, I was traveling the route between Bozeman and Helena, one I drove every weekend, sometimes more, during my college years attending Montana State. I pointed out Lake Townsend (Canyon Ferry Lake) and other landmarks. I was laughing a lot and very relaxed.

We stopped along the side of the road and walked among some boulders. The people I was with changed, though. They were now students and I was standing next to an Asian girl who broke her glasses. To the left was a crystal clear body of water and across from the water were cabins, all of them unoccupied. The pond or stream reminded me of the many creeks and beaver ponds that dotted Montana. I noticed there were very large fish swimming in the water and kept commenting on how clear the water was. It was very beautiful.

At one point I was standing with my mom and heard a strange cry. It sounded like a cross between a hawk and a whale. A shadow blocked the sun and we looked up and there was a whale flying in the sky! My mom said, “Oh, look a dragon!” I said, “That’s not a dragon! That’s a whale!”. The whale was blue with a silver tinge to it and it kept circling overhead. I frantically began to look for my cell phone to take a picture. When I found it and pointed it at the whale the sun was too bright and the only image I could capture was bright, white light.

The whale flew off over the mountains. I remember thinking it sometimes looked more like a giant manatee than a whale.

Interpretation

Apparently flying whales are somewhat common dream symbols. Not for me, though! lol Dreamoods.com says that a flying whale “symbolizes an enormous sense of freedom from letting down your emotional wall. You feel that a huge weight has been lifted”. No wonder I felt so positive after that dream. 🙂

The significance of this dream is that my old family and current family were together and I was happy. When I lived in Montana I was miserable most of the time. I don’t know why. In fact, when I lived in or visited places I found intensely beautiful or spiritual I was often horribly sad or depressed. It was like being there made the misery I felt inside that much more obvious. Such a stark contrast – me and the mountains. Them so powerful and majestic, me so cowardly and insignificant.

I wonder if I could go back there now and finally enjoy the mountains? It feels like I have made my peace with them.

Photography credits: Picture of Bridger Mountains outside Bozeman

by

Rest = Illness?

It’s going on day three and the chest cold continues. I am reminded of something my Team told me in January. I did not take their warning seriously. I guess I should have.

There will be limited periods of relief which may physically manifest in illness, melancholy, confusion, listlessness, lethargy and other ailments. Provide yourself with what you need when you need it.

“Limited periods of relief which may physically manifest in illness“?  Isn’t that an oxymoron?

Since this message was received I have been sick twice. Both times I was “prepared” by my Team by hearing, “You are resting now”. Then….wham!…I was hit with illness. The first time was a nasty stomach flu. I have had the stomach flu before but this time my entire body hurt, I had a fever and was forced to rest for 24 hours because I just couldn’t do anything but lay down. Thankfully it just lasted 24hrs.

I guess this time I need more “rest” because this chest cold is killer. Yesterday my entire body hurt, I had hot flashes with sweating, my stomach hurt (what??), I had strange pains in various random areas (wrist, shoulder, leg), I had stabbing pain in my left eye, I was dizzy/light headed, fatigued, etc. What chest cold does all that?

Today the cold has moved to my head and my throat hurts. Yay. When I awoke both my eyes felt like they were raw, but no headache, which is normally the cause for my eyes hurting. Thankfully I have no fever, no body chills or aches and feel well enough to do my normal workout.

Oh, didn’t you know working out when sick cures you? LOL <—-This is why my Team calls illness rest – because it takes a whole hell of a lot to make me rest. I have to be slammed really hard by – yep – the stomach flu or something similar to slow down, stop and rest. You would think I’d have gotten the message by now. Nope. I don’t plan on changing anytime soon, either.

Their suggestion to me is to trade my heavy weight lifting routine for yoga, Pilates, body weight exercises, light circuit training (is there such a thing?), walks in the park, etc. In fact, I had a very strong urge to cancel my gym membership. What???? I was warned that my heavy workout routine will “exhaust my resources”. With this, they pointed out that I have not been eating as much. This is true. My appetite is gone. I have to force feed myself and many foods don’t appeal to me anymore. For example, peanut butter. My all-time favorite snack. Now it tastes just wrong and the honey I eat with it does, too. 😦 I turn down sweets as well and if I do eat them I don’t eat much because they taste too sweet. And I don’t want to eat as much, it is like my stomach shrank.

I almost followed their suggestions last week. The urge to cancel my gym membership was extremely strong. I have only been going to the gym one day a week instead of four. So I have at least toned it down. Instead, I workout at home but apparently I still do too much. I can’t believe they expect me to tone it down so much. 😦

I’m a glutton for punishment I guess. When will I ever learn?

 

 

by

Curcuma Longa (Turmeric)

I wanted to write very briefly about Curcuma Longa, or Turmeric. In case you don’t recall, on the 18th of February, the night I had the lucid dream which resulted in the Union, Curcuma was mentioned to me by my counterpart. I didn’t tell you all, but the next morning the first thing I did was run to the Vitamin Shoppe and buy some. I have been taking it daily ever since.

I did little research before heading to the store other than checking very quickly to make sure it did indeed have spiritual relevance. Sure enough, I discovered that it aids in the cleansing of the chakras, the subtle energy body, and the nadis.

One article suggest using Turmeric in conjunction with a regular Yoga practice:

  • Pain and inflammation: Yoga involves asanas (body postures), some of which are not easy in the beginning. Yoga practitioners, especially in case when one is just starting, may face pain and inflammation due to asanas. This is very similar to when one starts to jog / run, there are muscle, joint pains initially. Turmeric with its amazing healing properties helps body in these situations and keep body fit for yoga till the body gets used to it. Use of turmeric ensures that one can continue with yoga with ease and for longer duration. This may also help in attaining perfection in asanas quickly. I know a few yoga instructors who advice their new students to drink turmeric milk before sleeping in case they feel mild pain rather than applying external ointments.

  • Purification : Yoga stresses a lot on purification of body and mind. Through asanas one can cleanses not only body toxins but also attain peace. Turmeric also plays a similar cleansing role inside our body and assists yoga. A body free of toxins remains healthy and also fit for yoga.

  • Improves flow of vital energies in body : According to Mr. Prashanti Jager, turmeric also increases the flow of prana (vital energies) in our body. It also helps purification of vital energies.

  • Well known and safe : There can be many more reasons why people prefer turmeric over other herbs, one is that it is one of the safest herbs and also a long track record of providing health benefits (thus well established).

Another article revealed why my counterpart was talking about India when discussing Tumeric with me. It is used as part of Ayurveda.

From an Ayurvedic standpoint Turmeric can additionally be used:

1. As a blood cleanser.
2. As an anti-inflammatory.
3. For nutritional support of the Spleen and Pancreas.
4. To aid in the metabolism of Protein.
5. As a metabolic balancer.

From a spiritual standpoint, Turmeric can aid in:

1. Cleansing the charkas.
2. Cleansing the subtle body.
3. Cleansing the nadi’s (the channels of the subtle body).
4. Cultivating relationships with feminine form of divinity.
5. Cultivating feelings and awareness of prosperity.

I  can’t say I have noticed any significant difference from taking it daily other than accidentally staining my clothing a bright yellow. 😦 However, I trust that it is doing its work. Why else would it have been brought to my attention?

 

by

Life Review Panel

After several days of being in a strange calm and having this other aspect (walk-in) in primary control, I am finally being allowed to express to you all what is happening. It is not that I was being commanded to be quiet. This isn’t it at all. It is more like I needed to Be quiet in order to Allow, Reflect and Process.

Even now, though, it is hard to be in the forefront of my own mind. I begin to type and my mind freezes; blanks out. I feel I am not suppose to go too deep into my side of this journey; that there are certain limitations to be upheld. Even those last few words weren’t mine, yet they came from me. I can’t figure out how it is possible for such a thing to happen and just considering it causes me concern. Too much of my Christian upbringing interferes with my logic. It is like I panic and think, “I’ve been possessed!” Yet I know this is total nonsense.

You can see how completely insane this all sounds.

What I am allowed (I hate using that word) to communicate is what happened this morning. So that I will do.

Life Review Panel

When I woke up this morning I knew I had been in a discussion with my Panel, though the word panel was confusing to me. I had only ever heard Council so I knew this was something altogether different. I saw the Panel in front of me as I tried to get my bearings. It was just a flash of memory but then something about that flash brought on everything we had been discussing all at once.

Tears began to pour out of my eyes.

Memories followed. Memories mostly from my childhood. So many memories that I cannot remember them all in the order they were reviewed. It is like pictures of a photo album flipping page to page so fast I cannot keep track.

I grabbed hold of a belief/decision I came to long ago. The decision/belief was, “Nothing good ever lasts”. There were other similar ones like,”I must reject others before they reject me,” and “When I’m happy I get hurt.”

Memories (in no particular order)

I remembered when I was very young, maybe 4 or 5. My mom was laying in her bed and opened her arms up to me inviting me to snuggle. I hesitated. In my mind I remembered receiving both love and hate from her. The feeling she sent me was never consistent and the hate/anger she sent was so unbearable and in direct opposition to the feeling of love. It hurt. I decided then and there never to accept love from her again. I told her, “No” and when she reached out lovingly and hugged me close, I pushed her away.

Then came all the memories from the divorce. Oh I hate those memories! Mom telling me bad things about my dad. Dad telling me bad things about my mom. Mom probing me for answers after I would visit my dad. Me in tears every time I had to go on weekend visits with my Dad. Dad breaking into our house and stealing from us, from me. Dad telling me he would not take me home.  I was so terrified I would never get home that I memorized the 1 hour trip to my Dad’s and was able to show my mom how to get there when she couldn’t find him. Only a traumatized child could do something like that.

I remember crazy energy and emotions bombarding me all the time. No one ever told me what was going on. No one helped me understand. That is when I started begging God to let me die. I thought over and over, “I wish I were dead.” These thoughts have never really gone away completely, either.

As any child under similar circumstances would do, I began to act out. I got more spankings than I can count and was so defiant I  would laugh at my mom when she spanked me despite the pain. I didn’t want her to win.

I remember my mom being so fed up with me that she started threatening to take me to an orphanage. She even showed me a flyer about a boarding school for girls. In one instance, on a road trip to Houston, she stopped on the side of the road and made me get out of the car telling me she would call the orphanage to come get me. Talk about traumatizing! I really thought she was going to leave me there.

It’s not like I was a good little girl, though. I was awful, really. I did awful things. I thought awful things. I use to purposefully do things to get my little sister in trouble. I carved her initials everywhere and cut up my clothes so she couldn’t get them as hand-me-downs. And the thoughts I had back then, no little girl of 7-8 should ever have such thoughts. I was truly disturbed and defiant.

Though I was a straight A student, I went to the principal’s office every single year until I was a freshman in high school. Usually it was because I would tell off a teacher or refuse to do what they asked me to do. When I was 7 I was so horrible one day that I got “the paddle”. This was back when corporal punishment was still allowed. My mom witnessed it. It was humiliating. You know what got me there? I chased down a boy on the playground and kissed him. LOL

Then there were the memories of how I never had friends and the friends I did have  I mistreated. There was the friend who I beat up in the bathroom when I was 4 despite the fact that she was almost a foot taller than me. Then there was the friend who I was mean to all the time when I was 8. I made her cry over and over and never felt bad about it. I thought it was fun (WTF, right?). This all reversed flow on me later on, though.

And I don’t even remember everything from that time in my life. I believe I disconnected from everyone and everything in order to protect myself from all the pain. Everything in my life was destroyed. It is no wonder I decided that happiness = hurt, and decided that anything and everyone I loved would end up hurting or rejecting me. My solution was push everyone away. Reject them first. And when I did allow love into my life, I always knew it would not last, that it would be taken away from me and it would be my fault because I am no good, worthless and deserve it.

Yeah, disturbing.

If you have made it this far, thank you. I am sorry for all the negative history regurgitation.

Questions

After all this memory influx, I was asked, “What do you feel is your greatest life accomplishment?” Without hesitation I answered, “My children”.

Then I was asked, “What do you feel is your greatest life regret?”

This one took me a while but I eventually answered, “I didn’t live. I was too afraid to live.”

Ultimately, then, my greatest regret is succumbing to fear.

They then asked me, “What lessons do you still have to learn?”

And I knew the answer instantly. “I still need to learn how to be alone.” Yay! I am guessing my next life will be fun. 😦

 

by

Riding the Dragon

The Kundalini acceleration continues. I am definitely “riding the Dragon”.

I was awakened at 3am from a dream in which I was joining a new group. Prior to this I had visited a team I was overlooking and ran into a gentleman who was overly enamored of me. I was warned that my Light is amplified at this time and to expect more such encounters both in dreams/the astral and in the physical.

I was called to a meeting. I was late so it was embarrassing to be called in at the last minute. There was a special guest in front of the group. I felt out of place. Everyone was so much older than me it seemed. I was worried he would ask me to introduce myself. Thankfully he didn’t. Instead he began to read us all a story. All I recall of it now was that it was titled, “La Luna” and was about an ancient healing modality yet to be utilized on Earth. The healing was performed in conjunction with the phases of the moon.

I was awakened at this time and there was with me a young man who was very excited to meet me. He was not a guide but a member of the new group I had joined. His accent was odd and I could not place it. His energy was sky high and he was completely joyous. His name was Gerard and he told me he was from New Caledonia. I recognized the name but could not place it. He told me it was near Indonesia and French, which is why his accent was so strange. I looked it up this morning and sure enough this information is valid. So if you are Gerard – nice to meet you and I look forward to working with you.

Gerard had much to say. Thankfully, I now keep a notebook and pen beside my bed for times such as these. Here is what he told me:

Your Divine Fire has been lit. It will burn for the next 12-16 months. You are riding the Dragon. You are not doing this alone. Your counterpart is as well. There has been a Divine Union. You have a group of four; an inner circle. Like 2 split atoms; 2 became 4. 4 is a number you are familiar with. It repeats in your life. Your flame will burn uncontrollably until it reaches the 12th house (12th chakra? this is image I saw – chakras way up high over my head). This is complete embodiment. Whole. This process follows the cycles of the moon. La Luna. The magik of La Luna. Your fire will attract others. Be aware of your own energy. You are Brilliant and will be from now on. You are Awake. 

As he was talking to me there was a strange sensation in my root chakra. It felt like a hollow, glass tube was there. I could feel its expansiveness but the energy was normal.

I was able to return to sleep. I guess I am just too exhausted now after several days of interrupted sleep.

Root Chakra Explosion 

I found myself in a dream in which I was riding in a large SUV with family. We had been driving all night and stopped. That was when I saw the airbag had deployed but on the outside of the vehicle. It covered the entire hood.

As members of my group got out to deflate it, I saw a very tall individual wearing a blue jumpsuit. I identified the person as “she” and ran up to her calling her “sister”. She was strange looking – her face so dark I could not make out features. I remember her inviting me to join with her. I told her, “Not in this life, sister. Maybe in the next one.” I was so enthused at seeing her, though, that I gave her a hug. She was so tall that I had to jump into her arms to hug her. She had to be at least 8-9ft tall. She embraced me and kissed me. I held on to her and then realized she had initiated a kind of activation in my root chakra. Energy began to explode down toward my feet. It was a spectacular feeling and so intense that it woke me up. It continued for about 10 minutes afterward. The energy was so intense that it expanded down past my knees in a bubble. I could see it even – it was cherry red but not a solid color. It was more opalescent.

I have had root chakra activity in the past but nothing like this. It was pure ecstasy but also very sexual. I had no control over my body. It is embarrassing but at the same time I don’t really care. It was a spectacular experience.

After the energy abated my entire lower body up to my naval felt similar to how it felt after I had my babies. It is similar to intense menstrual cramping or back labor. I had a flash then of what had really happened. There had been some kind of spiritual surgery done and an intentional activation of the root chakra. It was explained that it was in preparation for the next step in the process coming on Tuesday.

I suspect that the tall, androgynous looking person wearing a blue jumper was likely an ET and one I am familiar with and not afraid of. This is likely why I could not see “her” face as well.

Implants

I was able to once again fall asleep (thank you!) but my sleep kept getting interrupted. I don’t know why They have to keep waking me up! I just wanted to sleep!

Anyway, I awoke this time around from a sign that was placed in front of my vision. I saw the message upon it written in cursive. It said, “Implants Placed.” Then below that was my real, legal name.

Of course this woke me with a start. This has not been the first time I have had a message about implants. I am not sure what they mean, but since my “other” name was used, I suspect these implants are being removed. Good.