Category Archives: Healing

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Life Review Panel

After several days of being in a strange calm and having this other aspect (walk-in) in primary control, I am finally being allowed to express to you all what is happening. It is not that I was being commanded to be quiet. This isn’t it at all. It is more like I needed to Be quiet in order to Allow, Reflect and Process.

Even now, though, it is hard to be in the forefront of my own mind. I begin to type and my mind freezes; blanks out. I feel I am not suppose to go too deep into my side of this journey; that there are certain limitations to be upheld. Even those last few words weren’t mine, yet they came from me. I can’t figure out how it is possible for such a thing to happen and just considering it causes me concern. Too much of my Christian upbringing interferes with my logic. It is like I panic and think, “I’ve been possessed!” Yet I know this is total nonsense.

You can see how completely insane this all sounds.

What I am allowed (I hate using that word) to communicate is what happened this morning. So that I will do.

Life Review Panel

When I woke up this morning I knew I had been in a discussion with my Panel, though the word panel was confusing to me. I had only ever heard Council so I knew this was something altogether different. I saw the Panel in front of me as I tried to get my bearings. It was just a flash of memory but then something about that flash brought on everything we had been discussing all at once.

Tears began to pour out of my eyes.

Memories followed. Memories mostly from my childhood. So many memories that I cannot remember them all in the order they were reviewed. It is like pictures of a photo album flipping page to page so fast I cannot keep track.

I grabbed hold of a belief/decision I came to long ago. The decision/belief was, “Nothing good ever lasts”. There were other similar ones like,”I must reject others before they reject me,” and “When I’m happy I get hurt.”

Memories (in no particular order)

I remembered when I was very young, maybe 4 or 5. My mom was laying in her bed and opened her arms up to me inviting me to snuggle. I hesitated. In my mind I remembered receiving both love and hate from her. The feeling she sent me was never consistent and the hate/anger she sent was so unbearable and in direct opposition to the feeling of love. It hurt. I decided then and there never to accept love from her again. I told her, “No” and when she reached out lovingly and hugged me close, I pushed her away.

Then came all the memories from the divorce. Oh I hate those memories! Mom telling me bad things about my dad. Dad telling me bad things about my mom. Mom probing me for answers after I would visit my dad. Me in tears every time I had to go on weekend visits with my Dad. Dad breaking into our house and stealing from us, from me. Dad telling me he would not take me home.  I was so terrified I would never get home that I memorized the 1 hour trip to my Dad’s and was able to show my mom how to get there when she couldn’t find him. Only a traumatized child could do something like that.

I remember crazy energy and emotions bombarding me all the time. No one ever told me what was going on. No one helped me understand. That is when I started begging God to let me die. I thought over and over, “I wish I were dead.” These thoughts have never really gone away completely, either.

As any child under similar circumstances would do, I began to act out. I got more spankings than I can count and was so defiant I  would laugh at my mom when she spanked me despite the pain. I didn’t want her to win.

I remember my mom being so fed up with me that she started threatening to take me to an orphanage. She even showed me a flyer about a boarding school for girls. In one instance, on a road trip to Houston, she stopped on the side of the road and made me get out of the car telling me she would call the orphanage to come get me. Talk about traumatizing! I really thought she was going to leave me there.

It’s not like I was a good little girl, though. I was awful, really. I did awful things. I thought awful things. I use to purposefully do things to get my little sister in trouble. I carved her initials everywhere and cut up my clothes so she couldn’t get them as hand-me-downs. And the thoughts I had back then, no little girl of 7-8 should ever have such thoughts. I was truly disturbed and defiant.

Though I was a straight A student, I went to the principal’s office every single year until I was a freshman in high school. Usually it was because I would tell off a teacher or refuse to do what they asked me to do. When I was 7 I was so horrible one day that I got “the paddle”. This was back when corporal punishment was still allowed. My mom witnessed it. It was humiliating. You know what got me there? I chased down a boy on the playground and kissed him. LOL

Then there were the memories of how I never had friends and the friends I did have  I mistreated. There was the friend who I beat up in the bathroom when I was 4 despite the fact that she was almost a foot taller than me. Then there was the friend who I was mean to all the time when I was 8. I made her cry over and over and never felt bad about it. I thought it was fun (WTF, right?). This all reversed flow on me later on, though.

And I don’t even remember everything from that time in my life. I believe I disconnected from everyone and everything in order to protect myself from all the pain. Everything in my life was destroyed. It is no wonder I decided that happiness = hurt, and decided that anything and everyone I loved would end up hurting or rejecting me. My solution was push everyone away. Reject them first. And when I did allow love into my life, I always knew it would not last, that it would be taken away from me and it would be my fault because I am no good, worthless and deserve it.

Yeah, disturbing.

If you have made it this far, thank you. I am sorry for all the negative history regurgitation.

Questions

After all this memory influx, I was asked, “What do you feel is your greatest life accomplishment?” Without hesitation I answered, “My children”.

Then I was asked, “What do you feel is your greatest life regret?”

This one took me a while but I eventually answered, “I didn’t live. I was too afraid to live.”

Ultimately, then, my greatest regret is succumbing to fear.

They then asked me, “What lessons do you still have to learn?”

And I knew the answer instantly. “I still need to learn how to be alone.” Yay! I am guessing my next life will be fun. 😦

 

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Riding the Dragon

The Kundalini acceleration continues. I am definitely “riding the Dragon”.

I was awakened at 3am from a dream in which I was joining a new group. Prior to this I had visited a team I was overlooking and ran into a gentleman who was overly enamored of me. I was warned that my Light is amplified at this time and to expect more such encounters both in dreams/the astral and in the physical.

I was called to a meeting. I was late so it was embarrassing to be called in at the last minute. There was a special guest in front of the group. I felt out of place. Everyone was so much older than me it seemed. I was worried he would ask me to introduce myself. Thankfully he didn’t. Instead he began to read us all a story. All I recall of it now was that it was titled, “La Luna” and was about an ancient healing modality yet to be utilized on Earth. The healing was performed in conjunction with the phases of the moon.

I was awakened at this time and there was with me a young man who was very excited to meet me. He was not a guide but a member of the new group I had joined. His accent was odd and I could not place it. His energy was sky high and he was completely joyous. His name was Gerard and he told me he was from New Caledonia. I recognized the name but could not place it. He told me it was near Indonesia and French, which is why his accent was so strange. I looked it up this morning and sure enough this information is valid. So if you are Gerard – nice to meet you and I look forward to working with you.

Gerard had much to say. Thankfully, I now keep a notebook and pen beside my bed for times such as these. Here is what he told me:

Your Divine Fire has been lit. It will burn for the next 12-16 months. You are riding the Dragon. You are not doing this alone. Your counterpart is as well. There has been a Divine Union. You have a group of four; an inner circle. Like 2 split atoms; 2 became 4. 4 is a number you are familiar with. It repeats in your life. Your flame will burn uncontrollably until it reaches the 12th house (12th chakra? this is image I saw – chakras way up high over my head). This is complete embodiment. Whole. This process follows the cycles of the moon. La Luna. The magik of La Luna. Your fire will attract others. Be aware of your own energy. You are Brilliant and will be from now on. You are Awake. 

As he was talking to me there was a strange sensation in my root chakra. It felt like a hollow, glass tube was there. I could feel its expansiveness but the energy was normal.

I was able to return to sleep. I guess I am just too exhausted now after several days of interrupted sleep.

Root Chakra Explosion 

I found myself in a dream in which I was riding in a large SUV with family. We had been driving all night and stopped. That was when I saw the airbag had deployed but on the outside of the vehicle. It covered the entire hood.

As members of my group got out to deflate it, I saw a very tall individual wearing a blue jumpsuit. I identified the person as “she” and ran up to her calling her “sister”. She was strange looking – her face so dark I could not make out features. I remember her inviting me to join with her. I told her, “Not in this life, sister. Maybe in the next one.” I was so enthused at seeing her, though, that I gave her a hug. She was so tall that I had to jump into her arms to hug her. She had to be at least 8-9ft tall. She embraced me and kissed me. I held on to her and then realized she had initiated a kind of activation in my root chakra. Energy began to explode down toward my feet. It was a spectacular feeling and so intense that it woke me up. It continued for about 10 minutes afterward. The energy was so intense that it expanded down past my knees in a bubble. I could see it even – it was cherry red but not a solid color. It was more opalescent.

I have had root chakra activity in the past but nothing like this. It was pure ecstasy but also very sexual. I had no control over my body. It is embarrassing but at the same time I don’t really care. It was a spectacular experience.

After the energy abated my entire lower body up to my naval felt similar to how it felt after I had my babies. It is similar to intense menstrual cramping or back labor. I had a flash then of what had really happened. There had been some kind of spiritual surgery done and an intentional activation of the root chakra. It was explained that it was in preparation for the next step in the process coming on Tuesday.

I suspect that the tall, androgynous looking person wearing a blue jumper was likely an ET and one I am familiar with and not afraid of. This is likely why I could not see “her” face as well.

Implants

I was able to once again fall asleep (thank you!) but my sleep kept getting interrupted. I don’t know why They have to keep waking me up! I just wanted to sleep!

Anyway, I awoke this time around from a sign that was placed in front of my vision. I saw the message upon it written in cursive. It said, “Implants Placed.” Then below that was my real, legal name.

Of course this woke me with a start. This has not been the first time I have had a message about implants. I am not sure what they mean, but since my “other” name was used, I suspect these implants are being removed. Good.

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A Selection of True Awakening Experiences Part II

I am participating in Barbara Franken’s February challenge and sharing my personal awakening experience in A Selection of True Awakening Experiences Part II. 🙂

When I consider my own spiritual awakening, I am at first overwhelmed by the enormity of the task I have set for myself when participating in this challenge. If I start in a linear fashion, from the very beginning of my awakening in 2003, the length of this post would be unbearably long. However, if I look at the various paths I took and the lessons I learned along the way, the task is much easier to swallow.

Constantly Questioning

From the minute I could form my first thought, there was a question. I haven’t stopped asking questions since.

As a child one of the first things I recall doing when I had the ability to, was to go back to my very first memory and remember all I could. Before that first memory, there was nothing. Just blackness. This intrigued me because I could feel something was being blocked from my view. Why was this? Why am I here? What happened before I got here? Where was I before I got here? Who am I?

Sometimes asking these questions sent me down unbearably dark paths for when I asked, “Why am I here?” I often asked my someone external to myself like my mother or my sister. Other times it brought me into great moments of joy and awe for sometimes I was presented with a question in return – What do you think? – and when that happened so did some pretty wonderful realizations.

Meeting Myself

Ultimately, like all those who go searching the deepest, darkest places, I was ran face first into the many facets of myself. I opened a Pandora’s Box and there was no going back. I had to confront myself; everything “good” and everything “dark” had to be inspected. I did this with the help of my Companion, Steven, who is my counterpart in Spirit. He is the part of me who Remembers, as he likes to say. And his role is to share some of that memory with me, in little bits and pieces. But I have to ask the right questions. It is all in asking the right questions.

Eventually, all this questioning, led me to my spiritual gifts. This happened seemingly all at once but really it took about a month for them all to manifest. Suddenly, I was a medium, a healer, a medical intuitive, a channel, and a psychic all at once. This threw me into a tailspin. I quit my job, changed my name, and went on a journey which ultimately led to the beginning of my Dark Night of the Soul. It was an eye-opening journey and one that taught me how to love myself when in the past I could barely look at my own reflection.

During my Dark Night my spiritual progression intensified exponentially. I had spontaneous past life memories that I would re-experience as if they were happening in the present. These would be presented to me for inspection and clearing. My Companion or one of my Assistants would take me through the life, asking me questions similar to how a hypnotherapist does when they walk their client through a past life. Each question would open up more of the life and the accompanying emotions. This was an excruciating process as you can imagine. Many lives had to be visited more than once in order to be cleared. Some are still in the process of clearing.

To date, I have Remembered 30+ Earth lives. The time frame extends from before 10,000BC to the present. Many of them are recorded in my blog sequentially, but I have not yet included them all. I have also recalled lives from other planets/dimensions.

Self-Exploration

In addition to revisiting my past lives during my Dark Night, I also experienced my first spontaneous OBE. This opened up a path of exploration that I never knew existed. What was most amazing is that OBEs finally allowed me to be face-to-face with my Team of guides and, most importantly, with my Companion. Talk about exciting! Suddenly I was visiting other dimensions, other planets, other realms, and my Companion was always there with me. Sometimes I would see him, touch him, hear him. Other times I would just feel him next to me, guiding me and showing me what I needed to see. Through OBEs I was able to tap into yet another unknown part of myself – the timeless, multidimensional, manifesting, and powerful I AM.

Kundalini

Right from the get-go I had Kundalini activity. I didn’t know what it was at first, so it was quite scary. As I got use to it, however, she became like an old friend. She started from the top down at first and all I can say is, “Wow!” Nothing compares to a top-down Kundalini activation. Instant awareness and connection to Source/All That Is. Intense clearing, spontaneous past life recollections, spirit guide communication, and every kind of healing you can imagine.

Then she went dormant for over 7 years accompanied by a seemingly complete loss of my spiritual gifts, a significant reduction in OBEs, and extremely limited communication with my Team of guides. She returned with a vengeance in 2014, this time on a wild ride from root to crown. The sensations this time around are even more intense and the experiences more profound than the first and I don’t think she will be letting up anytime soon.

Contact

The most recent path I have been led down has been the most difficult for me. Contact was made with me by other worldly Beings – Beings from other dimensions, other planets, other times. The first visits were while I was OOB and fully aware. They showed themselves as my own reflection in the mirror or would stand in the shadows. Other times they would wake me in the morning for “briefings” and I would have intense channeling sessions where my crown would seem to just open up and information (light) would pour into me. Oftentimes this would come in the form of codes, or light language. These experiences were also accompanied by memories of the “work” I do as part of the Galactic Federation of Light Ground Crew as a grid-worker and energy worker/healer.

Service

Finally, I am Remembering more and more of my path/purpose here. I am just now beginning to see it fully forming ahead of me; though, unbeknownst to me, I have been traveling it from the beginning. It is the path of service- the reason I am here. To help. To be of assistance. To prepare the path for those to come. I am not completely sure what this will look like but I am more than ready to get started.

So this is my story of awakening thus far and in a nut shell. It is ever-changing and I know it will not be the same today as tomorrow or the next day. My Team knows I get bored easily and need to be kept on my toes and they do their job extremely well! I am never disappointed. 🙂

Next up in the challenge is Mick.

 

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The Fragmented Self

There was much behind-the-scenes work going on last night, not just for me but many others. We are preparing for the ultimate shift, one in which we will be completely transformed. How many are going through this? I am unsure. All I know now is that my soul group are all going through this together. Some are a bit slower than others, but we are all transforming and at lightning speed, too.

I received a clearer understanding of my particular situation. I just woke up knowing it. My transformation is best termed a “walk-in” but the meaning of this was clarified for me (thank goodness!).

I am integrating a higher aspect. This kind of walk-in is very common and usually temporary. However, I feel my particular case is more permanent as there will be a complete exchange of one aspect (the old) with the other (the new). Currently I am “shedding” the layers that compose the “old” me. I have been asked to return to my past – to review memories, journals, etc. If you wish to follow this life review, you can visit my YouTube channel as I am making videos of what I find along the way.

I realized that this is part of the shedding process. A life review of sorts, preparing me for the exchange. It involves more healing and letting go. It is getting easier as I progress, too. I have been doing this healing for a  very, very long time.

The Fragmented Self

A memory from long ago surfaced this morning. I had previously been told by my Companion that I was “fragmented” and later referred to this as my “Fragmented Self”. Essentially, when life gets tough – the tough run and hide (lol) – or at least I do. When there is trauma, a part of Us splits off. This is coping mechanism and very well known in psychology. It was explained to me that I have to retrieve these fragments in order to become Whole. Some call this soul retrieval. I just call it hard work. lol

 I wrote about it in my blog on July 26, 2011. Here is what I wrote:

At some point, a part of me fragmented away from my self in order to create a me that would survive in this body and do well in life. Unfortunately, the memory of that event is strung out over many years [and lifetimes] and it will take time to regain. But with that memory will come clarity. The clarity is the de-fragmentation of my self. I have already felt the  beginnings of it. Tiny moments of complete and utter calmness and knowingness. It is beautiful. And I intend to get to the point where that calmness and clarity will stay. I intend to reunite myself with myself. I think I am on the right path, too.

All this time I have been retrieving fragments. All this time I have been healing a gaping wound that I have carried with me life after life.

I have experienced the return of these fragments over time. At first I just noticed something was “different” but in recent years I have actually felt these fragments return. These fragments are parts of me on other paths as well – my multidimensional aspects. They shattered and went other directions, into a different “times” or dimension. All of this also involves the collapsing of timelines. It is like all of who I thought I was, who I could be and who I am, is coalescing. As I get more parts, as the pieces come together, I begin to Remember more and this snowballs and more and more parts are returned to Me. It is really a beautiful thing.

Rebirth

In my dreams last night I was preparing for my rebirth. There was much discussion on what was coming. Unfortunately, I recall that the present personality that is in charge was not made fully aware. Thus, I was “sleeping” through much of the conversation. I recall snuggling up inside a sleeping bag while my “class” got on a bus to go on a field trip. There were moments when I tried very hard to wake myself up but the heaviness of sleep kept beckoning and I would ultimately give into it. It was during this “sleep” that the majority of the conversations (negotiations) were taking place. I am told that this is for my own protection as I am not yet ready to fully participate.

Every day I feel a little more of the new me and little less of the old me.

There is a feeling of anticipation along with fear with all of this. Who will I be when this is all over and done with? Also, what do I do then? What will my path be? So many questions arise. Yet at the same time I know that this exchange is ultimately the whole reason for this life and the ones leading up to it. I will be reborn into wholeness.

 

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OBE: Good Vibrations

Since I was told I would soon be experiencing another upgrade soon, I asked if I could astral project. I got the go-ahead and so requested again prior to sleep.

Lucid Dream: Uncomfortable Sexual Situation

I found myself inside a dorm room with several other young people. For some reason we were all in one bed together. A young woman with brown hair was entertaining two boys. She was very sexually promiscuous and proceeded to have sex with one boy while the other watched. I was in bed with them with my back turned trying to ignore it all and thinking, “Is she really? Are they really?” This brought me into semi-lucidity.

I finally had enough when I felt something wet on my leg. Disgusted I got out and retreated to the bathroom where I found a bed inside one of the stalls. I tried to lay down and rest there but felt I needed to return to the dorm room.

When I came back out I was inside a large common area and people were everywhere with bags and boxes in their hands. Moving. I saw a young woman who was getting cords and wires together to set up her laptop. She inquired if I was ready. When I saw her I got a very uncomfortable feeling and began to cry. I said, “No, I don’t want to!” With my upset I felt my lucidity increase and the scene shifted.

OBE: Good Vibrations

Then I was drifting in the in-between receiving information about the future plans of Earth. At the time it was like a huge screen was in front of me and it had all sorts of data and graphs on it. The main parts I recall are the maps of various places on Earth. They had horizontal lines of different colors over the top of them. Each line had words inside with a set goal. It was very political but I can’t remember anything that was written and it really bothers me because I know it is important!

Then I was looking at a demographic map of the U.S. The areas where the population was low were marked as areas that needed attention. The goal was to move people to these places. This I didn’t understand but I didn’t question. These desolate areas were important but I am not sure how. I specifically recall thinking these areas would include the states of North and South Dakota, Montana, Wyoming, Idaho and parts of Utah. I did not consider any Midwestern states which surprises me.

Then I was hearing a discussion about travelers who were to visit these low population areas. I heard about a prophet who was very ancient and often traveled to these places to visit certain people.

Then I was observing a field. It reminded me of the fields in Montana – sage brush and grass everywhere. In front of me were three identical midgets. They had brown hair and short beards. I knew they were the Prophet I had just heard about. They had traveled a very long way to be here and I knew they were important so I was very curious about them.

They spoke to a man who was standing in the field. I never actually saw him, though, just felt he was there. When these little men spoke they spoke as if they were one person. One would start talking and the next would pick up in the middle of the sentence and then the third would pick up where the other left off. It continued like this. Not one of them ever finished a sentence without the others. I don’t remember what they said, though.

This is when I entered the scene with full lucidity. I was OOB before but not actually in any specific space. At this point it was like I was shifted into the scene.

The midgets vanished. The unseen man vanished. I was laying horizontally on a hard surface. I could see the sagebrush field in my peripheral vision. My attention was completely focused on the night sky above me. There were millions of stars and my vision was so completely clear that I was in awe while also a bit confused as to what was going on.

I felt the three men around me then but they were not men any longer. I could not see them but I felt them. One stood at my feet and one was on my left and the other on my right at around my stomach area.

I felt a pressure in my root chakra and then an intense vibration. It shot up through the root chakra along my spine and spread out. These vibrations were not like any I have ever experienced while OOB or receiving K energy. It literally felt like someone had put one of those vibrating massagers inside me or a very, very, very long dildo. lol

Startled, my first thought was that these Beings were trying to sexually stimulate me. I tensed up, anticipating that my body would respond. However, I felt absolutely no sexual response from my body at all. I also felt that I needed to not focus on my physical body and to just allow the vibrations to continue.

That is when I felt (was told?) to focus on “the light”. Prior to this I had not seen any light, yet there, high in the night sky, was a very large, almost moon-sized, perfectly white light. It was just off to the right and I focused on it as instructed. What is weird is that I perceived there was another light shining behind me and my conscious mind imagined it to be a street light. It also felt like the light behind me and the light in the sky were one and the same.

The vibrations continued for some time. I felt them from my root chakra through my 2nd chakra and there was a rod-shaped central area they seemed to emanate from. The vibrations spread all the way through my hips and lower abdomen and even down my thighs some. I knew that when the light in the sky disappeared that the vibrations would stop.

The light disappeared and the vibrations stopped.

Then it was over as suddenly as it started and I was on my hands and knees staring out across a sagebrush field. It was dark outside and the stars shown so brightly and were so absolutely clear that I was once again in awe. It reminded me of a night long ago when I slept under the stars in the mountains of Montana – so intensely beautiful.

I looked around and said aloud to my guides, “What do I do now?”

I woke up almost immediately afterward.  The Beings were still with me. I will write about what happened next in the next post.

 

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Forced Break

Sorry I haven’t written in a couple of days. My youngest had the stomach flu and then I got it, too. Not much fun for either of us. Thankfully his was over the minute mine began.

I was told a few days ago that I needed to clear out all toxins in my body or else the next shift would be more uncomfortable. I began to do this, but very slowly, and then got hit with the stomach flu. I was forced to clear out toxins the hard way. I couldn’t eat for over 12 hours and whatever I ate 12 hours before that was eliminated from my body with brutal force. It was probably the worst case of stomach flu I have ever experienced.

When I was in the midst of the worst part of the flu something happened that has never happened to me while sick. I received energy hugs and when this occurred I would briefly experience a complete calm and loss of my symptoms. It was brief relief and much needed.

I also had intense chakra energies in the very beginning stages of illness. My third-eye and heart chakras lit up with energy prior to the illness setting in. I have not felt much in these areas for some time, so it was a surprise. Then, when the illness was turning on full-force my second and third chakras were firing up and purging. I could feel it, like a dense ball of energy that would burst open and then retract. It was especially noticeable in my third chakra.

I was unable to do anything all day yesterday. This is very difficult for me as I am always up doing something. I spent most of the day curled up on the couch under a blanket sipping water and scared to eat. I haven’t had the stomach flu since 2013.

Focus on Life

Besides being ill, I am being encouraged to shift my energy toward mundane life activities; to deal with and get my life in order. With this message, which has been coming since December, we received news that our property taxes went up requiring us to send in a mortgage-sized chunk of money at the very beginning of 2016. It also raised our monthly mortgage amount. Very frustrating! We also overspent during the holidays. So my focus has been on finances and trying to find a way to avoid returning to work and the dysfunctional education system. I spent most of this week refinancing a vehicle, starting our tax return and negotiating a reorder of inventory for my online business. Unfortunately, it is looking more and more like I will have to return to work eventually. My husband is a spender and no matter how much I try to encourage him to budget he won’t. If I can’t get him to stick to a budget then I will have to go back to work. If I have to, then I hope to wait until the fall when my two oldest are in school.

What is really frustrating is that my Team of guides seems only interested in getting me to focus on returning to work. I hate it when they try to push something on me I don’t want to do.

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Walk Along

Yesterday my crying episodes and intense grief lifted and turned into a wonderful, happy high. I spent the evening with family and had a good time. I felt normal again. Sigh of relief.

I had an interesting experience in the middle of the night. When I woke at 3am my heart chakra was wide open, exploding with a beautiful love energy but there was still a pulling sensation that would sometimes feel a bit uncomfortable. I was also being washed in energy hugs from my Companion. I wondered, “What’s going on?”

Dreams

It was then that I remembered my dream. In it, I had been having a discussion with a woman who resembled me but was very frantic and frazzled in her appearance. She had a familiar energy, though, like family. I don’t remember much of the interaction except that the woman was killed by a horse who kicked her in the head. I remember being invited to continue her work. I was not alone. My Companion was there with me.

Then I was a baby. A little, tiny baby swaddled up and just laying there helplessly. Innocent, pure – without memory or experience. The image of this baby and the feeling was very vivid.

Connection

The dream itself sparked a memory but this memory came from my heart and I can’t really put it into words. I knew that this was a recollection of the walk-in experience, though I really didn’t want to talk about it as it still feels odd to me to even use that word. Yet my heart flooded with such energy confirmation that I could not avoid being overcome by the love energy. I felt like I would just melt into my bed.

The energy in my heart just continued to expand and I associated it with my Companion. I knew this love energy in my heart was Us but I didn’t understand it and why it was happening.

The heart surge has a way of pulling me into the in-between when I let myself fall into it. This is what must have happened because the next thing I knew I was talking with my Companion. He asked me, “Will you marry me?” This made me laugh and brought me out of the in-between, back to the intensely expansive heart explosion.

Of course I said, “Yes”. It felt appropriate and also like there was some kind of agreement connected to it. Like a pre-arrangement for our combined evolution.

He said to me then, “We will grow together” and I again saw the little baby in my mind’s eye. It felt like we had been reborn together. There was a feeling of newness and curiosity.

It was explained to me then that we are ascending together, he and I, and that this is part of the process. He keeps telling me the intense purging, crying, and emotional rawness is all part of this process. It is letting go of the old soul – the walk-out. Releasing her. There was also a feeling of this being a process involving the spiritual “bodies” – moving through them, clearing and aligning them. Embodiment also kept coming up. I could see layers that were these “bodies” for lack of a better word. I don’t fully understand it but my heart tells me it is a normal part of the process, whatever the “process” is.

Walk Along

Finally, he referred to a group of three light beings hovering near the far left of my vision. They were far back so I only noticed them when he referred to them. He then said, “Walk along” and I knew he was asking if these Beings had permission to walk along with me/Us through this experience. I didn’t know what to say. So I asked if it meant they would just observe and felt this was right but that they would also contribute. They would contribute part of themselves to assist me. Like give me some of their energy but this doesn’t accurately describe it. I agreed. Why not? I can use as much assistance as I can get!

I felt curious about this “walk along” idea. I vaguely recall reading about it in Walk-Ins Among Us by Yvonne Perry. I visited her website and read this:

A walk-in can also be a companion soul in spirit form walking along with an embodied soul. A walk-in can be a fragmented aspect of a soul coming home and reuniting with the soul essence in a body. It can be a blend of soul essences in which two or more souls inhabit a body simultaneously. These may rotate in and out of the “driver’s seat” as needed to accomplish a task.

I find it interesting that she refers to the walk-in as a companion soul walking along with an embodied soul. This feels like my experience 100%. I feel the term “companion” is especially relevant. That is how Steven refers to himself – as my Companion Traveler.

I suspect that now that I have agreed to allow these light beings to walk along with me, that I will notice when they are present. But I don’t know. I guess I will see? 🙂

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Let it All Out

It has been a very difficult past few days. It was so difficult for me that I decided yesterday never to write in my blog again. I just couldn’t, for so many reasons. Then this morning I awoke feeling a bit better, though not completely.

My main reason for not writing is because I feel I cannot share some things on here that are crucial components to what is going on with me. They are deeply personal and not just mine. To share them would be a like a type of betrayal, but even this is hard to for me  to understand and I struggle with understanding it myself. I feel it is not beneficial to me or anyone else to share these parts of my journey because I do not understand them and I am not sure I will ever fully understand them. Yet it is so much a part of what is happening to me now that I feel unable to proceed without including it. It is a puzzle piece that, if left out, would make my story incomplete and meaningless.

Yet even as I write this I cannot, will not share it with you all. I am sorry. I just can’t. This is why I am reluctant to write in my blog now, for what do I write now if I cannot write about all of mySelf and my experiences? Anything I write would be totally lacking and incomplete.

The whole purpose of this blog is to help others on the same journey; to assist them by sharing with them my own journey so they know they are not alone and maybe get some comfort from that. Yet, at this point, I feel unable to share fully my own journey. There is just so much tied up in it that I can’t make sense of and I worry about the potential far-reaching effects.

What I Will Share

I will share with you what I have been going through the last few days, but because of the personal nature and backstory that I don’t feel can be shared, it may leave you with many questions. I know it leaves me with questions and I know the whole story!

On the morning of the 21st I lost my heart connection. Actually, I felt to have lost all connection. There came with this loss a feeling of dread, like something was there that I didn’t want to look at or confront but had to. I avoided it but it threw me into disarray for the rest of the day.

That evening I blew up on my husband for no reason. It shocked him enough to keep the kids away and let me be. I retreated to a hot bath and cried and cried and cried. It was like my entire soul was just pouring out through my eyes. Afterward I was so completely exhausted that I went to bed at 8pm.

I had dreams of going through levels of rainbows of color. There were five levels and each one poured over me. I don’t recall much else but I feel I received intense healing and adjustment. When I woke at 3am I was beside myself with grief again. I must have relaxed at some point because I was awakened by a huge amount of energy moving up from my legs and enveloping me in a warm energy hug that made me want to fall asleep. I heard, “We are with you” right before I fell back to sleep.

I ended up having an in-depth OBE for the next two to three hours. At the end of the OBE I forgot who I was and it sent me into a panic trying to figure it out. This is what ultimately woke me.

When I awoke I still felt horrible. The main feeling I could contact was that I had gotten a chance to experience Home and it had been pulled out from under me. Why would I get such a wonderful experience only to have it taken from me? Why would I do that to myself? What was I thinking!?

I spent the entire day on and off crying. The next day was the same except that I was outside in the sun every chance I could get. I would go from a calm, quiet to an overflowing of emotion and then back again. It was exhausting and not normal for me. I have never felt such intense grief in my life.

At one point while laying in the sun, my guide said to me:

“I understand your sorrow, I understand your pain….”

I knew the rest of it for it was a song I had written in 2002 called Beauty in the Dark. I finished the verse of the song in my head and burst out crying again.

I understand your sorrow, I understand your pain.

I want to see you smile, I want to hold your hand.

And although this place is colder and darker than where we’ve been,

I’ll take you somewhere warmer, be your light in the dark.

This morning I am better but just writing this makes me want to cry all over again. I am emotionally raw. Every emotion is so much more intense than I remember it to be and I cannot seem to contain the emotion. It just pours out of me. And I am missing my connection so very badly. I hear my guides and Team, I sense them and I still get their energy hugs but I feel more alone than I have ever felt in my life. I feel like I just got here and the place I came from is so very close yet so far away at the same time.

Time to Live

This morning I knew that it was time to sort things out in my life. I don’t want to. I dread it but at the same time I could not stop myself from thinking of the things that need to be done. That is what my focus is on right now, though I am not happy about it.

I woke with this song in my head:

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Surprise! You are Love

I just unexpectedly got a taste of what living from the heart means on a very personal level. I am sitting here flooded with energy yet again. Literally shaking. This time it was from an interaction with my own husband. Talk about surprise. Ha!

I don’t often share personal things on this blog. My old one was different – almost too personal. I swore I would not go there in this one, but it seems that is the direction I am being taken.

I have been, for a while, distancing from my husband. Why, I am not sure. Perhaps I am afraid of something or worried I will get too caught up to ever get out. Whatever the reason, our intimacy is practically nil. This also happened in my last marriage. I assumed I was a jinx. Maybe I am not capable?

Tonight I realized that I have never really made love. Never. I know, sad, right? But what I mean is that I never allowed myself to connect through my heart in intimate situations. I am told I was too blocked, so it was not possible. I am told this is the case with the majority of people on Earth. We have learned that sex is via the sexual organs. That’s it. What a crock of shit.

I discovered quite by accident what intimacy really is, can be. It scared me and my solar plexus knotted up horribly. Oh well. I learned what I needed to learn. I am capable of so much more than I realize. The love I am is all-encompassing. I thought I had no love for my husband anymore, yet there it was, blazing out of my chest! Where did that come from? 🙂

I can’t get the energy to settle now. It is similar to when I use to give mediumship readings. Like Spirit is knock, knock, knocking. I feel a sort of sadness despite learning such a marvelous lesson. I don’t understand it.

We are Source. We just forgot. I am Remembering and it is blowing my mind. Or should I say it is blowing my heart mind. 😉

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Luminous Beings

Yesterday proved to be another difficult day for me. Outwardly, I appeared fine and stable, but within I was struggling.

I slept hard and deep again, waking a few times in the night and quickly returning to sleep without incident. At 5:30am I was awakened by a dream that turned lucid very quickly. In it, I was listening to a small child singing a song. She appeared to be about 9 or 10 years old and had a white, luminous light surrounding her. Her words were ultimately what brought me out of my slumber.

She sang, “Hello to you with the pillow over your head, laying in bed.” lol

Awake but in the in-between, the entire night’s adventures were suddenly within my mind – dreams, conversations, and feelings. The dreams are full of symbolism but they are so long that I do not want to go into detail here. Instead I will focus on the important parts.

Train

I was lifted out of one dream scene into another by an unseen guide. We flew high above a green valley surrounded by rusty colored mesas and plateaus. I could see a train meandering along a track that went through the bottom of this valley. I knew this was my destination but I was just along for the ride.

Luminous Beings

I watched as the ground began to move. I could see a ball outlined below the surface. There was also a very high pitched sound that was all around. I can’t connect it to any sound I have ever heard but it was everywhere. It came from within rather than without and was like music but no music I have ever heard.

Then a luminous white orb about the size of a basketball emerged from the soil. I looked away it was so bright. When I looked back there was standing in front of me a small Being, very child-like in stature – the height of a 12 year old child. I could see him despite his brightness – he was extremely bright white with a light blue tinge to the outer areas of this brightness. He was human in shape and I could see his entire body from his head to toes. There were no distinct features other than his eyes, nose and mouth. The rest was just too bright. His face was human-like but more like a human with some kind of chromosome issue most similar to someone with Down’s Syndrome.

Then I saw 4 other orbs appear from the ground behind me. Each one became a small Being just like the first.

Messages

With all these memories came an understanding that I had been somewhere else with these bright Beings. They were so calming and continually sent love to me. It was the most beautiful feeling I have ever felt and I wanted badly to be with them – to leave this life and body and join with them. The entire time I communicated with these Beings my heart was so large inside my chest that it felt like it would burst. At the same time my crown and third eye were also buzzing.

I could feel the Beings around me and recognized them as very special. We conversed but most of their answers came as pure Knowingness. They explained that they are Timeless and have been on Earth since the beginning.

At this time I had a memory of seeing hundreds of luminous orbs rising up out of a vast, dark lake and several Beings inviting me to enter into this metal craft that was hovering a few feet off the ground. They said to me, “Leave your shoes. You wear new ones here.” I chose instead to wear my old shoes inside my new ones.

Several times they mentioned the Anasazi’s. I am not very familiar with this ancient group of people but from what I recall they completely disappeared and no one knows why or where they went. The answer I received was that some left while others stayed. The ones that left shifted into light bodies and ascended. The ones who stayed integrated with the Earth and I saw them underground. I heard, “There are scores of us across the planet. We are here to help. We are re-emerging.”

Of course I wondered why they were here with me. The answer I received was that they were helping me with my heart. This part is hard to describe because it is so intensely personal on so many levels. Even as I write this my heart is pulling.

Another memory surfaced then, one in which I was being presented with these tablets that appeared to have etched into them runes or symbols. Each tablet was perfectly square and each symbol was etched inside it’s own square. The symbols glowed and appeared to enlarge when I looked at them. 

They surrounded me with love and one said to me, “We will help you grieve.” I was hit with such an understanding of this that I began to cry. I was crying not only from the intense love I felt but from numerous other things that I am going through right now. I am being pulled with such intensity toward my group and I am struggling with the feeling. It is constant and was the source of the split feeling I had been feeling. The split feeling is gone and I don’t think it will return but the magnetic pull to leave is still very strong.

Of the many messages I received there was one that I have been getting on my own that they confirmed. This feeling to leave is only going to intensify. Now is not the time to act on it, though, as there are things I must resolve first. When the time comes to act I will Know. I was told, “You must become whole first.” The message about being whole has come to me before. Though I don’t fully understand it, I trust it. I don’t know how long it will take and a part of me is afraid of it happening.

It seems to me that these Beings magnified my heart space in a way that brought great clarity. They confirmed much of what I had been feeling yet at the same time intensified emotions that I have been avoiding. I carry with me a great loss and longing, like a part of me is missing but accessible – just not yet. When I contact the source of these feelings I feel like I am Home. It is similar to the feeling I got from the Beings. I want badly to reunite with them but cannot. No wonder I am so sad. 😦