Category Archives: Healing

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This House is Haunted

After yesterday’s morning upset and some talk with friend online, I was reassured that this stage in my spiritual transformation is not uncommon and will pass as all stages and transitions do. Right now I need to focus on my life, the people I love and the purpose I came here to fulfill. The spiritual me and the physical me must stay in balance.

A friend of mine who is a veteran of the kundalini and the ascension process reminded me that we are both student and teacher in life, as we are also both spiritual and physical. She said to me:

The same must happen with Spiritual and physical– the two must become one, IN you. There is not two. There is, as the Vedantins say “One without a second”. As you ALREADY know, the Spiritual is being everything we perceive as physical. The idea, for me, and I suspect for us all is to let go the divide. To let what is happening with you (/me/us) in the dimensions happen right here in *this* dimension. To be the avenue, as it were, for the Spiritual to reach the ground level Earth-life.

It is becoming more and more clear to me that this physical experience I am choosing to participate in has so very much to do with the spiritual; that the two are one in the same. I don’t know exactly when this happened – maybe yesterday or last night or perhaps it has been on-going – but I am seeing things a little different every day. It is mostly occurring at night I believe, as last night I had yet again more interesting revelations.

They Don’t See Me

I had a very intense dream last night. In it, I was a waitress working at a restaurant and feeling very out of my element. I did a lot of cleaning and typical duties of a waitress. While cleaning I recalled seeing the door hinges were messed up. Whenever one would close the door the hinges would come loose. When I inspected them I found there were no hinges at all, just small nails. I had to reposition the nails every time but did it as that was my job. I remember also feeling unappreciated in my work and considered quitting, knowing I deserved better, but I stayed on anyway.

I became aware that the restaurant changed owners and was listening as the owner discussed physical layout changes with another waitress. I offered the help of my husband who I explained could do renovations, thinking he could fix the faulty doors. The owner nodded to me in recognition of what I said but then continued to talk to the other waitress about the changes as if he had not heard me. I again interjected saying that my husband could do it for much less than a contractor. This time the owner completely ignored me. I began to feel overwhelmed with emotion at this second rebuttal. I began thinking, “They don’t even see me. They don’t see me”. Then I started sobbing uncontrollably.

This House is Haunted

I awoke to real tears and my heart chakra pulling but not too badly. I soothed myself instantly without the aid of my guides. It was then that I heard a familiar song in my head: Dearly Departed by Shakey Graves. Being this was the third morning I awoke to this song, I took notice and instantly recognized the message.

The specific part of the song that I hear is, “You and I both know that the house is haunted. You and I both know that the ghost is of me”. Symbolically, a haunted house represents unfinished emotional business usually related to childhood, family members present and passed, or repressed memories and/or emotions. The fact that the house is haunted specifically relates to running from these things rather than confronting them resulting in a personal “haunting”. If these things are not dealt with then they can harass you much like a ghost harasses the residents of the house they haunt.

Doctor

I managed to fall back asleep quickly and fell into another dream. In this one I was at a university but I was a teacher with my own room. I don’t recall all of the details of the dream but I was helping some doctoral students with something and allowed two of them along with their professor to use my room to complete some business that needed tending to after hours. I remember watching as the professor wrote out checks and kept track of them on a ledger. I noticed that as each check was written it showed up as a debit in my personal checking account. This alarmed me and I told the professor about it as he left. Part of me did not want to pay for another person’s debts but another part did not care and was willing to let it slide.

The professor had gone and I had resigned myself to a loss in money when he returned and told me he would repay me. I then left with a young woman. We got into a push cart. It looked like something from out of the middle ages. As we lay in the cart I began to slip off and the woman got upset with me. I remember feeling like I had insulted her in some way. It was then that the professor, who I knew as “Doctor”, stopped the cart. That is when I awoke.

This is the second time that a doctor has been in my dreams. The first time was an OBE where a man I met actually told me he was a doctor. I do not need to be told anymore directly that there is a message here.

To see or go to a doctor in a dream suggests that spiritual and emotional healing is needed. It could also indicate physical issues and the need to go to a real life doctor.

Physical Issues

Aside from the myriad of emotional issues I carry with me, which I will not go into now, I have been having some minor physical issues lately. I have also been led to research some things regarding these issues and have my theories about what might be happening.

I will not/cannot assume these are all ascension symptoms, especially now that I am taking a break from the spiritual changes I was going through. Here are the issues I have at present:

  1. Vision changes, especially my left eye. I wear contacts and this week my vision has suffered. I believe it is a change in the shape of my eye rather than an increase in my prescription because I see fine out of my glasses. I plan to make an appointment with an eye doctor to remedy this but delay because I still have five pairs of contact lenses left from my old prescription.
  2. Severely dry skin. This has been slowly getting worse and worse. Recently I got a patch of eczema on my arm and that was when I began to research it. I bought some organic seaweed bath called Aalgo that I found while doing a Google search. Thankfully it has been working like a charm and within two treatments eradicated the small spot of eczema I had. I used it on my face, which has also been extremely dry, flaky, and acne prone. I have noticed marked improvement there as well. I highly recommend Aalgo to anyone suffering from skin issues.
  3. Achy legs and increase in spider veins. I have long dealt with bad circulation and gross spider veins. They have never been an issue other than making me hate to show my legs and really they are not that noticeable. But lately my legs have been aching in the morning and my right leg is looking much worse. I am considering going to a vein specialist to have them treated but upon comparing my legs to those who have gotten treatment I recognized I am overreacting. I did start taking niacin because it was recommended to help with circulation. It has been helping.
  4. Cold hands and feet. I have always had cold hands and feet. My lips will even turn purple sometimes! This has been throughout my entire life but has been much more prominent lately. A coworker years ago suggested I may have Raynaud’s but I am not sure about that and if I do then there is not much I can do about it. My mom has the same symptoms and so I assume it is hereditary. The cold feet are the worst and keep me from sleeping.
  5. Numbness in legs and hands. This only happens when I sleep. It wakes me up and I have to move my hand and/or leg to fix it so I can go back to sleep. I am not sleeping oddly or anything, they are just numb and tingly. I am usually sleeping on my back when my hands are tingly and it is normally my left hand. I am sleeping on my side when I have tingling/numbness in my legs. Usually it is only one leg and the one I am sleeping on. I would not think it a big deal except that is has been on-going for several months now.

I know I should just schedule a physical and get checked out. I was suppose to have my thyroid checked when I was pregnant because I was sweating profusely for no reason. I never had it done. I suspect it may be the problem now but then again none of the symptoms really match up to hypothyroidism or hyperthyroidism. It was mentioned to me that this break to focus upon the physical could be to get me to focus more on a healthy lifestyle. Now with this doctor theme in my dreams I am beginning to think it very well could be.

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Self-Healing

Yesterday was a day of healing for me. I started by using my pendulum to double check my intuition that said that more than just the second chakra was blocked. I discovered that my second and crown chakras were completely blocked and my root, third and fourth chakras partially blocked. My third chakra was blocked initially but within seconds the crystal of the pendulum encouraged it to open. The same occurred with the root. My heart chakra was open right off but was sluggish, suggesting the energy there was in the process of clearing. I was not surprised that my throat and third eye were open but it did surprise me just how wide open my third eye was. The pendulum flew in a clockwise direction so wide that it could not go any wider. This told me that my third eye was too open.

I was able to open my crown chakra very quickly. I rubbed some Frankincense into the top of my head, sat cross legged and chanted Nng while visualizing it opening. After doing this for just a few minutes I stopped and focused on my second chakra. I put Citrus Bliss oil on my sacral plexus, chanted Vam and visualized it opening. While I was doing this, I felt an intense energy in my crown and knew it had opened and my efforts were successful. Unfortunately, my second chakra was not budging no matter how much I visualized and chanted.

I spent most of the afternoon working on my blocked second chakra – doing yoga, chanting the mantra and meditating to encourage it to open. I never was able to feel the energy move despite my best efforts. However my efforts were not totally wasted. Around 7pm CST, when my husband left with all three of my children in tow, I finally had the house to myself. I felt restless and kept walking around in a circle in the kitchen thinking again about the mantras I had been chanting and feeling there was something I was missing. I tried putting a tone with each mantra, singing up the scale like I use to do when I was a music student in college. Something about feeling the sound vibrate in my throat made me think I should sing so I began to sing an old hymnal I use to sing growing up in church. It is called, As the Deer and I always loved singing that song.

Almost as soon as I started singing emotion began to well up from within me and I got so choked up that I could not get the words to come out. My mind was flooded with memories, images of me singing in church with my family and hearing the harmony flood my ears and heart as I sang. The same feeling filled my heart and it seemed as if my family in Spirit surrounded me with love. You can imagine how overwhelmed I felt at this and many times had to stop walking and hold onto something.

I continued to sing because I knew, the only way out was through. It was obvious to me that my blocked chakras were opening and that this was a necessary part of the clearing process.

One by one, memories came to me. Times in my life when I did things I enjoyed. Singing was first, followed by fishing, gardening, sewing, painting, etc. And one by one I remembered how each of those things I stopped doing for one reason or another. Always there was an excuse that kept me from doing them. I stopped singing because I couldn’t be the best at it and if I wasn’t going to be the best, what was the point? Fishing because I had grown up and moved away and it was always inconvenient to do. Gardening because I now had three children and no garden and it would be too hard so why bother? Sewing again because I had three children and painting as well. With each lost pleasure I listened to the excuses and ignored my heart.

I realized that I had taken from myself everything that I enjoyed in life. No wonder I was not enjoying life.

I did it. I did it all to myself and trapped myself, backed myself into this corner of misery.

This realization stopped me in my tracks and I knew that this was just the tip of the iceberg. The second chakra is about pleasure; enjoyment of life. There were/are so many things in life that brought/bring me pleasure. It is so simple really the solution – start doing them again. Stop listening to the excuses and just do them. Once the decision is made the uncomfortableness at pushing past what has always been done will break apart and what will be left simple enjoyment of life.

After over an hour of memories followed by emotional outpouring followed by more memories and emotion, I was finally spent. And I felt better.

Last Night’s Work

After a thorough session of self-healing and more chakra balancing, I fell asleep quite quickly still propped upright in the midst of meditating. I awoke from a dream of traveling across the ocean to an island.

AirShip

The vehicle in which I traveled across the ocean was immense. It was more than an airplane, it was an airship. Inside were hundreds, maybe thousands of people and I was very aware of twin girls who carried with them their blood in vials connected by plastic. I was aware also that this blood carried their DNA. There was a conflict here and I avoided the twins for some reason but cannot remember why. One kept staring at me holding her blood in her hands.

The main memory I have of this dream is that my ex brought back food from a farmer’s market. He put in front of me a bunch of bananas and a strange orange fruit that was long like a sweet potato. He asked me if I wanted some of the banana (but he didn’t call it that). He opened it up to reveal the flesh and it was unlike any banana flesh I had ever seen. Inside it was splashed with orange and my ex told me it was a powerful hallucinogenic. He ate it and said it tasted like dirt (lol) and then offered me some. I refused because I researched it and it said it made one’s heart rate speed up to 150 and I didn’t want that. I chose instead to eat the other fruit which tasted good and sweet.

The symbolism here is not lost to me. I keep dreaming of twins and the meaning of them is usually that they are my conscious and sub-conscious. Since there is conflict here, I am likely struggling with accepting the subconscious aspect. The blood is representative of life, love and passion. The fruit I ate is symbolic of my work on the second chakra and since I ate it I am open to the work that needs to be done to open it.

Healing

I awoke from this dream feeling huge amounts of energy coming in through my crown chakra and seeming to exit my root chakra. My head felt wide open, too, my third eye buzzing and filling my eyes, nose and cheeks. I lay there unable to return to sleep and finally lay on my back. I then began to notice my second chakra was also activated and I had a slight discomfort there but nothing major.

I fell back to sleep despite the energy and dreamed of working with other spiritually talented individuals in a type of commune or something. I walked to a high fence where four women were seeking entrance. I looked for the gate to let them in and discovered that I was mistaken about the gate as it had been removed and not been there for some time. I invited the women in and asked them who they had an appointment with. One girl pointed at me and another mentioned a man’s name. I walked them inside and then woke, knowing what the message was: my spiritual gifts had never left me, the “fence” was built by me and the gate had never been there – it had always been open.

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The Time is at Hand

Since my last OBE I have returned to nights of heavy slumber filled with multitudinous amounts of odd and intricate dreams. I awaken only once and that is in the morning around 6a.m. which is odd for me since I typically wake multiple times throughout the night both because of a new baby and being a light sleeper. I have been nudged by both an inner urge and a gentle inner voice to do Yoga before bed. I have been following this suggestion, doing a succession of poses repeated five times with OM’ing and deep breathing. When I OM I can feel it resonate all the way to my toes and it feels very calming. After yoga, I usually fall asleep quickly.

Growing Wings

The first night of deep slumber I had a dream where I grew wings. The dream was long and drawn out, but I will skip most of the details so as to not bore you. I was with a man who I all of a sudden noticed had large, fairy-like wings coming out of his back. They were vivid, deep green and beautiful. He suggested I had wings, too, and as soon as he did I felt them growing and saw the most beautiful aqua, blue and shimmery silver wings emerge from my back and tower over my head. I was astonished and looked at the man with the green wings who nodded at me with a satisfied smile.

As we walked together through the green grass and talked I immediately noticed a fluffy tail poking out of the grass. I looked closer and saw that it was a squirrel. I immediately knew it was dead and had been killed by the dog, though I saw no dog at the time. I yelled out, “It’s dead!” and then soon forgot about its existence.

In researching the symbolism, I found that having wings symbolizes readiness to throw off limitation and soar to success. A dead squirrel symbolizes letting go of old habits and a willingness to focus on positive relationships and endeavors.

Advanced Learning

Last night I again slept so deeply that I did not wake all night. I had very detailed dreams in which I was near lucid.

The first I recall was set in a very magnificent building that appeared to be a university of some sort. I was in the hallway of a grand building with very high ceilings and grand pillars. It reminded me of an ancient place and did not appear to be a college or university that I have ever attended. It had multiple stories and the stone it was made of was polished to a sheen. I think it was marble or something similar as it was white with cream swirls and had a glassy polished appearance. There were plants in planter boxes along open common areas where students of various ages gathered and studied or socialized. There was one large, circular common area that was in the center of the building. It led to different hallways and high up above were glass atrium windows that covered the entire domed ceiling.

In the beginning of this dream I was late for class and could not remember my schedule. At first I was just going to skip but then felt I should at least try to attend part of the class. I entered a room that I thought was my class and there were not enough desks. I inquired if there was one for me that could be found. A student got up and retrieved two desks and put them in front of me. I moved one in front of his seat and sat down but it did not have a desk in front. I thought about how I could not use it to write upon and requested the other desk. I sat at it and noticed everyone was looking at me. I recall thinking the class was an Algebra II class and there was a test that day.

I left the class and still could not remember my schedule. A man was with me who was trying to show me how to access my schedule. He pulled out this white cylinder and pushed a button on top. It lit up a blue color and a tiny tube popped out and then opened up fan-line. It had blue print on it that had his schedule and information written upon it. I want to say it was a holographic image. I thought I would do the same thing but my cylinder was different. It had multiple cylinders attached to it and when I pushed the button a clear solution came out and went into the smaller cylinders. I recognized it as saline solution and saw that it filled a contact lens case. I knew this was no good and would not help me with my schedule.

I thought I remembered my 3rd period class was Economics. I went through the large atrium towards the elevator. I saw a map on the wall with the different room numbers and names. I located my teacher’s name and saw it was on the 4th floor. I thought that odd and remarked that I thought he was at a higher floor. We got onto the elevator and went to the 4th floor. I located the classroom and went inside.

I knew the class lasted 2 hours and I began to feel antsy. I began talking to a classmate and told him, “I don’t think I need this class. I already took Economics and got an A”. He said, “Really?” Then I remembered I already had a Master’s degree and told him so. He said, “What do you do with that degree?” I said, “I am a counselor”. He asked me, “Oh. How do you like it?” I do not remember my response to that question, though. I remember imagining taking more classes. I said to him, “I don’t need to take any more classes but I know if I do that I will do well. I always do well. I am good at learning”. At this point I remember being very proud that I was good at learning and feeling very confident in this knowledge about myself.

Coming Into Myself

I left the huge university and headed towards an apartment. I would be staying there with some female roommates while I went to school. While I was there I felt very odd and for part of the dream I was in the kitchen with a female friend who was visiting. I was getting very upset because I kept finding things put in the wrong location. For example, I found towels inside the cabinet for pots and pans. I began to complain loudly about it and the friend, who was making a chocolate cake, began to take notice. She stopped me and began to question me about why I was complaining so much. I explained that my husband never put things where they were suppose to go and that it made me super mad. She then suggested that I talk to him and explain the pros to having things go in a specific place rather than yelling at him for putting them in the wrong place. Her suggestion made sense and I calmed down.

I was then in a bedroom and waiting for my husband’s sister. I laid down in bed and felt overcome with a distinct feeling. I knew in the dream that I was allowing myself to come into myself. This continued throughout the remainder of the dream and felt very specific and is hard to describe. It was as if I were two people and I was welcoming another part of me into me. The part I was most aware of (the me as the dreamer) was draped in black. I recall communicating with a black, furry cat with very large eyes and then coming to a place where there were two baby warthogs. As I continued to feel the odd sensation, the mother warthog came and passed right between my legs. I was alarmed at first and thought they were going to be mean. I even saw the hair rise on their backs. Then I saw the family of hairy beasts get together and even petted them. I remember feeling odd at that time, like I was changing.

At the end of this dream I was firmly merged and recognizing it. I began to see differently and had the ability to do things with just a thought. I practiced it on the door and made the door shut with my mind. I remember thinking it was curious and I was a bit scared of this ability.

Then I was being instructed on redecorating the apartment and working on replacing the blue blinds with black drapes. I saw a large refrigerator being brought in. It was packed with soda, bananas, ice cream, chocolate frosting and other such items. I commented on how they were going to make all of us fat with such temptations and I resolved to not touch any of the food in that fridge.

My friend and I walked outside and headed back to the university. At the corner she was acting odd and I realized she was late for something. She said she was late for a workout with a friend. I remember thinking I had to go, too, and liked to workout but then recognized I didn’t really want to go. I let her leave and continued to walk, feeling still very different and wondering where I was going next now that I was “different”. I still felt very out of it, like I had been asleep for a very long time and had just awakened to myself. I continued to try to get my bearings as I awoke.

The Time is at Hand

When I awoke I had a knowing that I needed to make changes to my life. I was not scared of this just feeling I needed to begin to think about what I wanted and where I wanted to go in life. I recognized the first dream about college was related to a previous dream where I had been told testing occurred after vacation, not before. It occurred to me that I was nearing this vacation’s end and that “testing” would soon begin.

My first thought was to scan the internet for schools that would help me utilize my spiritual gifts. I had no idea where to look or what kind of school to look for, though. I quickly abandoned the idea, remembering my failure at previously trying to utilize my spiritual gifts.

The next Idea was to find a different counseling job. I realized I could do this and could start looking now. It was a real possibility that I could acquire a much better position for more pay. This appealed to me but then I remembered that I wanted to have time with my children. Yet part of me was already thinking about this option and how I could utilize my current job to give me experience in certain areas that would make me more appealing to prospective employers. I recalled my desire to be with my kids, though, and began to withdraw from this idea, knowing it was more of the same path I had already been upon for my entire life.

I then returned to the idea of exploring the option of the spiritual path. I recognized that it was not necessary to have a “plan”. I only needed intention. As I contemplate this now, I am aware that if I choose to focus upon my current, already established career, that I will be successful and do well financially but I will not feel complete or fulfilled. That path is clearly visible in my mind. If I choose to go the other route and follow where my heart leads I will feel more fulfilled, though the path is not clear to me at all. There is an unknown here the worries me even though I am confident that my finances will not be harmed. It is clear to me, however, that this unknown path is the better one.

The only way out is through. Though the familiar path leads you to safety, it also continues a perpetual cycle. The path unknown breaks the cycle and leads to possibility. Which one will you choose?

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Merging Unveiled

A while ago now, my guide told me that he and I were in the process of “merging”. I never quite understood everything about merging, but I did recognize that it meant that he would no longer be viewed by me as separate from me. For some reason, the idea of merging was scary to me, especially the thought of losing my companion traveler who has always been by my side in this life.

Recently the subject of merging was brought up in my astral projectors FB group by a friend, Jurgen Ziewe, who is a well-known author of books on astral projection and higher consciousness. He is in the process of writing a book about his personal experience of merging with his Higher Self who he calls his “silent companion”. The discussion question that was asked was about spirit guides. Several individuals wanted more information on spirit guides. I responded by saying, “[My guide] is the quiet inner voice that answers questions I pose to myself both during OBE and out. I found mine through meditation.”

This response was that I was actually describing my Higher Self. To that I replied:

That is what a spirit guide is, at least in my understanding. My primary guide tells me often “I am You” and after this experience I asked what the energy I felt was when I hugged him and he said, “It was You”. I have other guides who he refers to as Assistants. I do not really concern myself with them, though I see them in my dreams as well, especially a female one with an M name. Some say we have a separate guide and I am bit confused as to if this is true since I am regularly told we are all One and separateness is an illusion. I suppose then that the name “guide” is confusing because of this illusion of separateness. From the way my guide feels, he has been with me always and always will be. He is an aspect of myself who Remembers all that Is while I am the aspect that has chosen to Forget. I wish I could remember the story he told me about those who Remember and those who Forget, but it makes so much sense and explains the separateness that we on Earth have chosen for ourselves.

That is when I got the great explanation about merging and what it means from Jurgen:

Yes Dayna, the “guide” feels like a separate presence and it is easy to consider it as such and of course there are no guarantees that they are not separate, which can make it all a bit more complicated. The golden man in your experience could be a manifestation, but If there are guides we perceive as separate and they actually are separate they only serve one purpose, to connect you ultimately to your higher self. I always referred to this awareness of “not being alone”, of this presence in my life, as my “Silent Companion”.

I had a guide before I became aware of this permanent presence in my life. I first came into contact with him, whom I regarded as “my teacher” during an OBE. He was most definitely a separate entity, with his own history, raucous character, attitude, a chap I recognized as a very old friend. He poked fun at me and played games, but always with a lesson attached. He then came to me regularly for several months and put me through a training program, which allowed me later to enter much higher dimensional levels.

That was before my so called “silent companion” showed up, when this happened he no longer featured. Though on occasion other people showed up during OBEs, who took me to places and showed me various things. One of them identified himself as Phil, with a completely different personality to the first guy. He too disappeared, but during the waking hours and the day it was always my silent companion which was the more constant aspect in my life and finally, over a year ago I clearly got to know it. There was no longer any doubt what this aspect was as I merged fully into it, my higher self.

So I still think there are different awarenesses we can be linked to, some are friends, helpers, guides, but I think they respectfully step aside when our awareness of who we are, rises to the fore and we have a direct link to the higher self, the “knower”. You become more confident in that knowledge, but also more humble as your old identifications are gradually pushed to one side. The purpose of the silent companion is union, which is when we merge fully with our higher self.

When this process has finally tipped the balance in favour of our higher self our awareness turns into an awareness of “the stillness of the present moment”, constantly, day and night, unmistakably, unshakable, always, permanently, moment by moment, without break and no knowledge or any clue even of how we could possibly get back to our old separateness. We don’t even remember any more, what it was like as our old self, because it was such a flimsy artifice. Life then changes for good, without return.

I captured it here in the twelve points I noted down, how life is transformed when we merge with our silent companion, which turns into the stillness: The Higher Consciousness.

I am still absorbing and digesting the validation and information I received from this FB conversation. As you all know, I do not often go out in search of books or articles that relate to my experiences. I rarely feel drawn to do this and when I have questioned myself about these tendencies the answers I receive indicate that there is no need for that which is already understood and accepted from the Self. When I have sought after validation through outside sources (outside myself that is) I have found my confidence in myself becomes muddled with questions and self-doubt which only serves to slow down my own spiritual progress. However, such as is this circumstance, lately my answers come to me from without and often do so in larges chunks such as is this case.

It is obvious to me now that merging is part of the process of awakening; IS the awakening. I have noticed that my guide (higher self) is much closer and more ever-present than the previous 7 years. I also recognize that the message I received back in June of this year about my upcoming “death” was in fact not a physical death but a death of the me that I have been throughout this life. I suspected this.

Jurgen describes this “death” of transformation perfectly:

It was as if a cage of frosted glass, which had obscured my vision for so long, had been shattered into billions of tiny pieces and there was simply no longer a way of putting them back together again to form the old frosted cage. Whereas in the past I would take glimpses into higher states of awareness, spontaneously or through meditation, I was inevitably posted back into my old mundane self, striving to find my way back into the clear light of reality which was unimpeded by viewpoints, judgements or personal issues. Now it felt as if the bridges back had been incinerated and for the time being at least I appeared to be permanently located on a new viewing platform with no roadmap back to my old self and any interest whatsoever in returning to my old ways had simply dissipated.

I was given a time period of four years from this past June until the time of “death”. It seems a long time but to be told that it is coming is a gift. My guide spoke to me last night as has been the usual in the evenings since the birth of my son. He reassured me that the coming changes are good and to be patient with myself as I struggle through some of the difficulties of accepting myself back into myself. I asked how to invite him in, and he told me, “It is not something that can be explained in words but something that must be experienced to understand”. Yet I saw in my mind a visual of opening my heart and accepting myself without fear or judgment. With this vision I recognized how much I fear what I will find when I open up to all that I am, have been and will be. To do so without judgment is perhaps the most difficult task of them all because it comes with the human tendency to label ourselves and our choices as “good” or “bad”. For so long it has been whispered to me when I criticize myself for a “wrong” decision, “There are no mistakes, only choices”. How does one step back and view life without labels? How does one ignore the illusions and accept what is before them as it IS with love and acceptance? I shudder to think of the lives I have lived (that I remember) where I have been so horrible that the mere memory of it causes me to withdraw and contract from myself. I can’t do this if I want to reunite with myself. What a huge feat it seems yet my guide reassures me that it is achievable.

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Facade

I awoke at 4am. I don’t remember my dreams but I do remember “thinking” from within a dream-like state. I was remembering and replaying in my mind a memory from a long time ago.

It was the day our senior class voted on various items prior to graduation. All 33 of us gathered in a small classroom and Mr. F stood in front of the class and began explaining all the slots that needed to be voted upon. First up was the “Most likely to Succeed” category for one male and one female senior. Every year these spots went to the class Valedictorian and Salutatorian if they were male and female. I expected to be nominated when my name was called. I did not expect for someone to nominate my best friend who was 4th in rank. I also did not expect her to accept the nomination.

I remember a classmate of mine looking my way and raising her eyebrows. She knew what was going on. Everyone did. The person who had nominated my best friend was a girl who had hated me ever since middle school when I had called her out in front of the entire class for attempting to cheat off my Algebra test. Unfortunately for me, she was a very popular girl. Not only was she beautiful (flawless good looks) but she was also a cheerleader and the leader of the “popular” girl group. All the boys drooled over her but most girls secretly hated her. I was one of the few to voice my disapproval of her. This was common for me. I rarely kept my opinions to myself. Unfortunately for me, this created in her a huge enemy and she often badmouthed me to others.

When my best friend agreed to the nomination, I knew she would win. Everyone liked my best friend. Few really liked me. In fact, I had no other close friends. My heart sunk a little because I was certain this meant a humiliation was coming for me. I thought about withdrawing but I had hope that my best friend would withdraw her nomination at the last minute. I held my breath as we were sent outside during the vote.

As we waited outside, I looked at my best friend who smiled at me. I asked her why she accepted the nomination. She said, “Why wouldn’t I?” I was surprised by her candor and lack of consideration of my emotions. This was unlike her. I told her, “You know you will win”. She just smiled and said, “We’ll see”.

When we went inside, I already knew the outcome. The popular group, led by the girl who had hated me since middle school, clapped loudly and congratulated my best friend. I sat down without looking in their direction and quietly looked toward the front of the room. The girl who had looked at me with suspicion earlier told me, “I tried to get them to vote for you, but she kept arguing against it. I’m sorry. You deserved it”. She put her hand on my shoulder to offer me her sympathy. I also felt the eyes of several others looking in my direction. I fought back tears as I looked past the girl and ignored the looks of everyone else. I knew if I looked that I would cry and I could not let them see that and win.

We continued to vote, but it was all a blur to me for the most part. I numbly participated and continued to get comments from the girl next to me about how unfairly I was treated. I wanted to crumple into a heap on the floor, but I stood my ground and held it all in. I really, really hated that girl!

When it came time for the class moto, no one had any ideas. I was wearing a t-shirt that day with a cartoon of a fish being hooked by a fishing pole. It said, “So far, so good” on it. The girl who hated me since middle school pointed at my shirt and said to everyone, “How about what her shirt says?” Of course, everyone loved the idea and it instantly became the class moto. I was a bit surprised by this. Why would that nasty girl do that? Was she trying to look good to everyone else because she knew people were thinking she potentially swayed the earlier vote? Did she feel guilty or was she just caring about how she looked? Most likely the latter.

When we were finished, I left the room and waited for my best friend outside of it. I asked her why she accepted the nomination, explaining the girl was obviously trying to create a conflict between us. She seemed surprised and a bit condescending when she responded, “Why wouldn’t I? Did you think I would step down? They thought I deserved it.” I got a bit upset with her and said, “It was supposed to go to me and you know it” and walked away without giving her a chance to respond. I noticed that one of the girls she had been hanging out with approached as I was leaving.

That was in the spring prior to graduation. I had noticed a gradual distancing from me that started after the Christmas holiday. At first it was not too noticeable but eventually it became obvious. She began to call me less and less frequently. When I inquired about it she would tell me that she did something with a girl who was a grade level below us. This girl was known to smoke pot and drink. When I inquired why we were not hanging out as much she said, “I want to meet new people”. I remember thinking that she was being nice but really just didn’t want to be my friend. I pushed the thought away and did not allow myself to angry. I decided I would just hang out with other people, too. So I started working more and spending more time with my coworkers who were also students.

What was most upsetting was that we had chosen the same school to go to. I should have changed schools the minute she began to avoid conversations about going to school together. I didn’t even attempt to room with her. Through the summer we still hung out, but she was hot and cold about our friendship, as if she wasn’t yet sure if she wanted to still be friends. Once school started, I bumped into her during registration and she completely gave me the cold shoulder and acted like she didn’t even know me. I remember feeling like a complete fool. I finally got the message that I was on my own for my first year of college. A few times we saw each other on campus. She told me she was sorry and continued to explain her actions away as being related to her trying to “find herself”. She hung out with people totally different from me, so it really didn’t matter by then. Plus, she continued to hang out with people who did drugs and a few times told me of her one-night-stands. I was not into that kind of thing.

When I awoke, I entered a moment of intense grieving over the memory. I have often wondered what happened. She has apologized to me several times, saying she was “confused” and that the divorce of her parents put her into a tailspin. I accepted this as I really just wanted my friend back, but I knew I would never fully trust her again.

As I thought about this, I recalled her once telling me why she continued to be friends with a girl who was horribly self-centered and treated others as objects. She told me, “I feel sorry for her”. That statement has long stayed with me, but I never knew why.

Then I wondered, perhaps she was friends with me because she felt sorry for me? I was always very blunt and opinionated growing up. I did not like it when people blindly followed others and felt I had to point out to them the fault in that. It often isolated me from others and by high school I had no true friends of my own.

Perhaps she felt she could help me, too? She often described herself as a “giver” and one time told me that she attracted “takers” into her life. I, of course, assumed I must be a “taker” since we were friends. All of a sudden, I recognized this to be totally untrue about myself. I gave so much to her. I loved her like family and would have done anything for her. The fact is, that she was as much a taker as a giver and that, at some point, I did not give her enough to satisfy her.

I became suddenly very angry at her. I began to cuss her out in my mind and eventually the emotional hurt dissipated. The anger did not last, though, as I remembered that we were both playing our pre-determined roles. I distanced myself from that role and looked upon our friendship as an observer would. A peace fell over me as I successfully disconnected from the memory.

I saw why I was the way I was in high school. I recognized that I am still much like that young girl. I still separate myself from groups. I still bluntly point out or criticize others who do not fit my own ideals. I continue to not have many friends. I continue to travel my own path, often very alone and isolated from others. I seem to just not fit in and the more that this occurs, the more I resent those who do. This further isolates me from others as it keeps me from finding any connections with them. I always assume they will not like me, so they don’t. I justify my continued self-imposed isolation by pointing out the failures and shortfalls of others. This cycle is a continued cycle of self-suppression. I do not like it.

Then I think about my friend and how her chosen role was “giver”. She sought to help others who she perceived needed her help. At the time, I was “loner” yet I wanted desperately to not be, so I opted to try on the role of “follower” while also retaining my “loner” facade. We fit each others purpose, so we became friends. I followed her and did so quite well, becoming completely blind to many things about her. She fed my ego in many ways, as I did hers. She allowed me to continue to be the “loner”, sharing it with me, or so that is what I allowed myself to see. In reality, she was my friend but she had many other friends who merely tolerated my presence because of her. I wonder how many people asked her, “Why are you friends with her?” I know she told me she was once asked that about me. I wonder if she told them, “Because I feel sorry for her”? I suspect she did respond this way, as most of her friends tolerated my presence until she opted to unfriend me during our senior year.

In recalling all this, I became angry at myself for not being true to who I was. I recognized the fear that held me captive. To confront my only friend would surely alienate me from her forever. It far was easier to forgive her than to confront everything I can see so clearly now. I imagined telling her off. I imagined how life would have been had I not allowed myself to be treated that way. And I recognized how much I needed her. I do not think I would have survived my high school experience without her assistance, even though I was blind throughout much of it. I needed to be ignorant of the truth. I could not have handled it and may have spiraled into a very deep depression.

Then I thought about her life since we graduated high school. How she chose the path of drug use and wanton sex with strangers. How she ended up married to an alcoholic and porn addict. How she felt forced into having an abortion because he didn’t want a baby and she couldn’t confront the idea of bringing a baby into a world without a father. How she cheated on him and then divorced him to marry the man she cheated with. Then, when she was finally happy, she got cancer and had to confront the possibility of death. For a moment I was in awe of her. I began to compare myself to her, thinking I must be a coward. Then my guide reminded me, “You have already done all of that”. I knew he was right. I just chose to do those things over entire lifetimes while she bunched them up all into one. We were different, that is all. There is nothing good or bad about the ways we chose to live. It is the choices and the lessons we learn that matter.

Life Facades

In the book I am reading there is much discussion about facades, or masks we wear in life. These are all aspects of us that, if allowed to have too much control, can run amok and cause us all kinds of problems. These facades are many, but most of us has a major one we struggle with for many lifetimes. This main facade breaks into smaller ones as we try to compensate for it when it runs amok. I was able to quickly see my role as “loner” in this life as one of these offshoot facades. I instantly recognized my attempt to compensate for my main role which had run amok on me life after life: leader.

I was able to see after that the many offshoot facades that developed as I tried to control my power monger facade. In truth, my main facade is leader, but unfortunately, the leader is not always a good one. My leader has three offshoots that I have been able to identify thus far – the teacher, the power monger and the masochist. Each of these offshoots has smaller facades that were created to help play them out. For example, the teacher facade came out in my lives as a philosopher, teacher and psychic. It is currently still trying to come through, as it will always do. In past lives I have run into the negative side of this facade, the power monger, so many times and suffered horrible results that I have sworn to never let that side of me prevail again. This has led me to explore other facades that help me suppress the power monger. The masochist is among the most explored of these facades. I have been a nun, a victim, a follower and a loner all in order to try to avoid the power monger aspect of the leader.

In taking on the many facades I have in multiple lives I have run into major fear of myself. It is sad, really, that I so fear the potential of my power monger aspect. Yet, I completely understand it. I have recalled past lives where I have allowed the power monger to wreak havoc. For example, I had a past life from another planet where I led a large group of colonists to a planet I knew was about to be destroyed. I did this to make money with full knowledge of what I was doing. I dropped off hundreds of hopeful families and left them to die, which they did, and continued on without much thought other than to the amount of profit I made. This was way before my time on Earth. Yet this facade followed me to Earth, the fear of it causing me to embrace other facades like teacher and police officer, which allowed my leader to shine without giving the power monger the fuel it needed to do harm.

As long as I can remember, I have feared my potential for destruction yet at the same time longed for positions of power and prestige. I came into this life bossing people around and taking little interest in anything but myself. As I grew older and my conscience kicked in, I began to associate this negative aspect of my personality with the hurt it caused others and myself. It is as if I remembered my past lives without knowing it. Only now, as I delve deeper into myself, do I see the true extent of the destruction I have caused along my life path. It is no surprise to me that I seek to help and bring out the positive attributes of my leader self while suppressing the power monger.

The loner aspect I currently implore, serves to disassociate me from groups which in the past have been a springboard for the power monger facade. It also helps me introvert more, therefore asking questions of myself that I need to ask in order to grow. At the same time, the teacher aspect of myself came out and, though I resisted it at first, became a positive outlet for my leader self. In addition, I opened up to my spiritual ability which enhanced my teacher self while also enticing my power monger. Thankfully, it was not my intent in this life to push the limits of my leader because I do not believe I am yet strong enough to overcome the negative aspect of it.

Edit: Happy birthday, Daddy. I’ve missed you.

by

Dragonfly – May, 2014

My daughter brought home a present for me yesterday. It was a beautiful necklace with a large, silver and black dragonfly. I didn’t know it was for me. I saw it laying on the table and, being drawn to it, ooed and awed over it and put it on. She, of course, was pleased to see me so drawn to a present she brought home for me.

Dragonfly

As a totem or Spirit animal/insect, the dragonfly has many messages. Specifically the dragonfly symbolizes the following: maturity and depth of character, power and poise, defeat of illusions that are self-created, living in present time and focus upon the moment, and the ability to see beyond this mundane existence into the possibilities of the universe and our own power as spiritual beings.

When a dragonfly comes into your life he often brings with him change in one form or the other. This change often develops from the inside when the individual recognizes the untruths about their life and decides to make changes that align with his or her own inner truth. The individual rejects the illusions they carry about life, sometimes one by one but most often all at once, in a whirlwind of determined ferocity. Because of the dragonfly’s connection to water (water is his source of food and life), there is a strong emotional component to the transformation he inspires. Often the individual has moments of intense emotional realizations followed by calm when they recognize that the change they are experiencing is natural and will lead to a more balanced and peaceful life for them. All in all, the dragonfly is a magnificent totem of transformation and change. He is not one to be afraid of but rather to be embraced.

Realizations

The dragonfly totem is very appropriate for me at this time in my life. My life is undergoing so many drastic changes right now and they will all soon be complete.

I have been struggling to keep up with my life this past week. I cannot seem to find time in my busy day! Being responsible for three children has been one of the biggest changes in my life, but there is also my hectic job and the process of house buying/selling. These along with every day minor inconveniences leaves me exhausted at the end of my day.

One of the biggest realizations that I have had recently is that I don’t like my job. It is not what I thought it would be. When I returned to work I found a pile of paperwork waiting for me and more was added every day. My time at work was and still is spent trying to get to the bottom of that pile only to find that when I do make progress, more is added.

I am not a paper pusher. I like to be up and about, to interact with others in a positive way and, most of all, help others. Yes, processing paperwork helps people, but it is not fulfilling to me. I sit at the computer so long that I feel molded to the chair. What is even more frustrating is that I do not know how to do most of what I am expected to do and the woman who hired me, who was suppose to help me through it, is gone.

Ultimately, my realization is that I do not want to be part of this bureaucratic mess and best of all, I don’t have to be.I thought I would be working one-on-one with people, listening to them, helping them sort through their life and problems. I am not doing that and it is taking its toll. Emotionally I am a mess. I have broken down in tears twice now from the strain of it. I have wanted to just walk out every day. If I stay in this state for too long it will soon affect my health. Thankfully I plan to leave as soon as our loan is finalized.

Fed Up!

I must admit, having another baby has changed me. It is change that strikes at the very core of my being. Mid-life crisis? Maybe, but not in a bad way. Mid-life renewal more like it. I am FED UP. Fed up with doing things that I am “suppose” to do per society and family upbringing. Be good. Work a stable job. Pay your bills. Never take risks. Don’t show emotion. Oh and there are tons more I am not even listing.

Eventually a person cracks under the weight of it all. I have been taking on responsibilities I didn’t want to take on. One by one they strangled the life out of me. I didn’t want them but I kept them. Why? I thought I had to because that is what I was taught.

Funny enough I am listening to the song Let it Go from the Disney movie Frozen right now. My daughter is a Frozen addict. lol But, if you have seen the movie the lesson is a very good one. The main character Elsa is told to hide her amazing gifts because they are “dangerous”. She hides them and herself, denying who she really is. Eventually she explodes. Who wouldn’t? That is how I feel, like I have suppressed my true self for so long and am finally exploding. I am lucky that I have the support of my family to help me channel the fear and anxiety that often comes with change.

dragonflyPriorities

The internal changes that are transforming me involve quite a bit of introspection, but then again, I have always been one to take apart my life and my thoughts as I try to understand this life and myself better. In times like these it is important to recognize your priorities. For me, it is my family that takes priority. My children, their happiness and health and my relationship with them is above all else the most important thing to me. I have justified working long hours at jobs I hate because it provided me with money, and thus the security of my family. But security is not money. My children will not remember how many toys and things they had as children. They will remember the love they received and the fun times they spent with their parents. Their security stems from knowing that they are loved and that they have a mother and father who will be there for them when they are needed. That is what I remember from my childhood. So working a negative job that makes me miserable just to make “good money” so my kids can have lots of “stuff” doesn’t make sense at all.

Second on my list is my health but this is no simple priority. One’s health is more than just physical, it is emotional, spiritual and mental as well. And to maintain health on all those levels cannot be done by popping a pill or jumping on the treadmill. You have to work at it, daily. For me, physical health is the easy part. When my body is in good shape it is easier for my mind to be in good shape. The hard part for me is keeping my emotions in balance and that, of course, is linked directly to my mental and spiritual well-being. Lately my emotions have been more difficult to suppress and always this upheaval directly affects my spiritual well-being. I believe that if I rid myself of those things in my life which do not support my truth that my spiritual and emotional well-being will heighten.

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Ego Child

This morning my husband told me that he has been having waves of depression hit him out of the blue at odd times of the day. He said he had one hit him in the middle of the night and that the feeling is so horribly heavy that he struggles to not be overcome by it. He then attributed the strange mood swings to his sugar intake. I stopped him there and told him it is unlikely that sugar is the cause of these intense, unusual bouts of unexplainable depression. I asked him if he had considered that it was happening to everyone and widespread all over the world. He said, “You mean it is coming from the 4th dynamic? I hadn’t thought of that.” Then he paused and said, “That makes a lot of sense”. (The 4th dynamic is mankind).

I then explained to him how long I had been perceiving it and how it affects everyone differently. I told him that those who have not taken responsibility for their own life and issues and cleared them out would be struggling with past life and current life issues related to themselves and their family. However, those who have cleared most of that out would then be struggling with issues related to the world and mankind. So, in essence, his depression may be that he is connecting to greater world issues rather than something within himself that needs to be cleared. Though, of course, his own issues are and those of mankind are reciprocal. They are interconnected and so his depression is likely linked to his own issues related to how he is connected and responsible for mankind’s actions.

After our conversation I began to think about my OBE with the man who I identified as my father. As I have digested the experience, I feel that the healing that occurred by my sending love to this man was more directed toward allowing this man to heal and move on. Yes, the healing was also my own but is reciprocal. He heals as much as I heal. I have had this realization before as I recognized that even though one person may feel they have recovered from a damaging relationship, they are not truly free until all participants have also healed and recovered. Since we are all One, we are all connected in every aspect of our spiritual development, positive and negative.

I am certain now that this past father figure of mine has been carrying with him the guilt and pain of his many wrongs in the life we had together. Our relationship was one that started with love and turned into confusion, pain, misunderstanding and misappropriated emotion. The love he had for me contorted and became disfigured until he could not differentiate between right and wrong and so betrayed his own morals and beliefs while alienating and losing a beloved relationship with his daughter. In his subsequent lives he has carried with him the burden from that life. Currently he may not understand why he feels and does certain things. He may be haunted by a guilt he does not understand. He may be fearful of his current relationship with his daughter(s) and not know why. The extent of his pain is not fully known to my conscious Self but I do know there was relief in his eyes and acceptance of my forgiveness of him. Perhaps this will allow him to break free of the constraints of guilt and fear that have overshadowed his present life. Perhaps in his release I will also be released and my distrust of men, father and husband alike, will begin to dissolve, revealing a truth I have yet to see.

From 12 to 10 to 4

Last night as I prepared for bed, I noticed that the room felt very empty. I felt alone. Upon further investigation, I recognized that I had lost the 10 in Spirit who have been hovering around me since a day after I first noticed there were 12. I was back down to my typical “4”, and so it felt to me as if the room had emptied. Thus, I felt strangely “alone”.

With the exit of my council and the return to “normalcy”, I wondered if the man I was going to meet was the father I met in my OBE. It definitely could be that he was. My guide would neither confirm nor deny this and so I let it be. I no longer have the energy to contemplate it. I have accepted that I will just have to “wait and see”.

Perception

I have continued to sleep deeply and last night was no exception. I woke with an odd feeling that all the negative feelings – anxiety, worry, unhappiness – in my life was “someone else’s fault”. The feeling was very wrong to me and I did not like it. There was also an element of “unfairness” that lingered. Why was it that some people always seem happy while I do not? I recognized that a part of me felt that happiness was deserved and so if someone had happiness who did not “deserve” it, then an injustice had been done. The resentment I felt form this caused me to become unhappy, as if trying to compensate for the wrongness of the situation.

I did not contemplate this for long, but attributed it to the odd dreams I had about my family relationships, specifically my relationship with my sister. I now recognize that these dreams are the “work” that I am doing at a higher level and eventually the rewards of that work will trickle down and integrate with my present Earth consciousness. It does me little good at this stage to over analyze my dreams and OBEs. To do so would be like forcing a square peg into a round hole. If I my Earth consciousness cannot yet assimilate such information, what good does it do to try to force it? The end result is more of the same – loss after loss, disappointment after disappointment. I must have faith that the “me” at higher levels is advancing and that when the time is right and my Earth consciousness is prepped, prepared and attuned to the process, everything will settle and integrate. In the end, there will be a wholeness, though it may be barely perceivable at first.

The Ego Child

As I began to understand the integration process, I became completely disinterested in the things which I have been interested in of late. Specifically, sharing my OBEs and considerations with others. I do this for many reasons, one of which is to have my experiences validated by others. Although I do not want to admit, I seek agreement from others that my experiences are “real”. A part of me also wants to brag about them and has a strong desire to be praised by others for my “uniqueness”. I often have struggled with this part of myself. The Ego often wishes to be praised and seeks attention for being unique and “special”. My guide is understanding of this, however, and reminds me that it is “normal” and not to rejectthe feeling but instead accept it, taking care to balance it with understanding, love and patience. He explains to me that the Ego is to be treated like a child. It should be nurtured and loved. It has to learn much like a child does and it is my job (the Higher Self) to teach it by allowing it to stumble and fall as much as is needed in order for it to learn, all along offering support, unconditional love, and encouragement in whatever way is best received by the Ego child.

It is at this juncture that I recognize the purposefulness in my accepting the role of the Ego child via life in a body. It is possible to me now that I am indeed split into different parts, each with varying levels of consciousness. I am choosing now to be the Earth consciousness. I do this via the human body and experience things “anew” with a strong need to individuate myself from the whole. I seek to experience life via my own lens. This lens is colored with experience. All the while, there is a “me” I am not aware of that is watching, teaching and guiding the other “me” along their individual path. I am also aware that there are likely others of “me” as well. It also is very clear to me that this identification with the Earth consciousness via my Ego child in this body is a distinct choice every part of “me” made, as a whole. Once I am done with this human experience I will return and all aspects of “me” will be united as one again. And “we” will likely again choose the human experience as one of the many experiences available and the process will be repeated.

There is then the question of why I gave myself access to “myself” while in this life. I know this is not the first time I have done this, but it seems to me as if I am “cheating”. I am told this was purposeful and the plan is to continue this patterns until the Ego child is fully integrated. Once that occurs, the Earth consciousness via the Ego child will be transformed. It is not clear what comes next, but it is certain it will not be a path like any I have tread before.

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Lightening Bolt

12

Yesterday was a struggle. I awoke in a bad mood and then decided to write my husband a letter since we never seem to be able to communicate without interruption from our children. It is so hard to have any alone time with each other! Anyway, I actually started to write to a friend and then realized it was something I should be telling my husband and so copied and pasted it into a Word document and then added more. I told my husband to read it and let it be and then heard him typing and knew he was responding.

We ended up having a good conversation about my considerations and upsets. It was helpful but I wish we had had more time to talk. It never seems we have enough time for each other these days. The good thing is that my husband did not feel the way I thought he did, and that helped ease my upset. I noticed afterward that my shoulders were more relaxed. The tension, which had been so fierce that it felt my shoulders were stuck to my ears, was gone.

In the evening I sat outside listening to a neighbor play classical music. It seemed fitting and I smiled as I looked up at the half moon. The air was crisp and cool and the night was very quiet except for the beautiful music. I relaxed and let out a huge breath that I must have been holding in without knowing. When I did, I noticed my guide near and also that there were others. It actually felt a bit crowded and I knew instantly there were 12. At first I was a bit shocked but my guide said sent me a feeling that said, “It’s okay” and I asked why they were there. He said, “To help” and I accepted it. I did not feel like asking anything else.

Later, as I lay in bed preparing for sleep, I focused on healing a friend. As soon as I began to meditate I heard, “Look” and saw a white light in the distance. I tried to look closer but when I did I could not see it. I still felt the 12 near me and tried to again focus on healing. Instead my thoughts kept drifting away from my original intention to other intentions – all of them healing related. That is when I experienced an odd energy coming through the top of my head.

Lightening Bolt

The “lightening bolt” is what I call the odd energy. It has happened almost every night this week. Last night it happened for the fourth time. I don’t know what to call it, so I will describe it instead.

It always happens when I am laying in bed usually ten minutes or so before I finally drift off to sleep. It usually happens when I am laying on my stomach, which I have been feeling I should do for some reason even though I am not a stomach sleeper. it is almost like I get told to do it, but it really is just a thought that comes to me that says, “Turn over” or “Lay on your stomach”. I briefly have the intention to defy the “order” but then resolve to just do it because it comes from my Higher Self and I know that whatever the reason, it is a good one.

When I lay on my stomach I usually cannot get comfortable, which I know will happen and is why I am not a stomach sleeper. Usually I cannot keep still and hear a quiet, calm voice say, “Be still”. So I comply. After a while of being still, it happens. I get hit with what I can only describe as a lightening bolt of energy. It comes from above and strikes me in the head, usually from above and at an angle. It doesn’t hurt but it makes my entire body jump. This is not under my control at all and the movement reminds me of what happens when I have dreams that I am falling and jerk back to waking reality, shocked and a bit afraid. Yet the “lightening bolt” of energy is very obviously a stream of energy coming from somewhere and the residual energy of it lingers where it enters my head for some time after the event.

The first time it happened I was just stunned and wondered what the heck had just happened. I eventually let it go, chocking it up to some odd, deep relaxation side-effect even though I was not even close to a deeply relaxed state when it occurred.

The second time it happened I began to wonder if it was something intentional. But what?

The third time it happened I had been anticipating it and waiting. When it happened, it caught me off guard – which is the usual. I focused on how it felt and could not figure out what exactly the energy was or what its purpose was.

When it surprised me once again last night I noticed that the energy seemed to go through my entire body in a straight line. Last night it exited out my left side near my knees and feet. Each time the lingering energy always sits in my head near my crown chakra. This time I felt as if I were being observed and, since I knew I had 12 guides near, I was convinced that they were behind this odd lightening-like energy.

Questions

I am convinced that this energy is some kind of healing energy but I may be wrong since I have never experienced such an energy and have not read anything of similar experiences. Perhaps it is related to kundalini awakening? Or perhaps it is just an adjustment being made by my Higher Self and I am not meant to know its purpose other than that I am being “helped”.

If you have had such an experience, even a similar one, can you please share it with me? I am curious to know what might be happening.

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Acheiving Balance

In addition to the focus of letting-go that is occurring right now, there is another particular theme that has been on-going since the end of August: Balance.

Mulch-faceted

The balance I am writing about is not simply just balance between spiritual and physical, though that is definitely one dimension to consider. There are also multiple facets within each the spiritual and the physical.

On the physical level, the level in which humans are most comfortable, there is balance to be achieved between body and mind; mental and physical and within each accordingly. For example, physically an individual must have a balanced diet, rich in whole grains with minimally processed foods. At the mental level, an individual needs to not be thinking too much about the future but also not too much about the past. A balanced mental state is best described as being fully present in the Now with little to no mental energy devoted to the past or present, but fully immersed in the present moment.

At the spiritual level there is balance to be achieved between each of the major and minor chakras, the different subtle bodies, the karmic blueprint of each individual and the universal whole, and more. This balance is described to me using the analogy of the university. The major we are seeking would be most similar to that of a liberal arts degree and the minor would the areas in which we feel we need the most work or have the most interest in spiritually. As we set about our spiritual journey within the physical realm, we learn lessons based upon our individual determination. In other words, our degree is most similar to a doctorate degree in which we determine and set our course with the help of a mentor who has already achieved a similar advanced degree. As we complete our “assignments”, we reevaluate our path, making minor and major adjustments as needed in order to fulfill our degree objectives. The balance here is very individual and can fluctuate with even the slightest deviation from our set course. Thus, the nightly visits with our guides and continuous manipulation of the subtle energy bodies by our guides and Higher Selves helps to maintain the delicate balance required for us to complete our physical body incarnation. The good news here is that that part of our consciousness within the body and without memory of our spiritual past and history does not need be conscious of the complex and intricate workings behind the scenes. Very rarely is balance not maintained here. I am told it is not important to discuss what occurs when the balance is not maintained – that is for another time.

doTERRA-Roman-Chamomile-Essential-OilConscious Maintenance of Balance

At the conscious level the maintenance of balance should not be difficult. Unfortunately, the world in which we live has made this usually simple task that much more difficult. Physically, we are no longer putting whole, nutrient-rich foods into our bodies. We are running ourselves ragged in professions that give us little physical activity and focus more on mental tasks. Our physical bodies are depleted of nutrients and unable to repair damaged tissue at an adequate rate. Mentally, our minds have become narrowed into a very physically, gratification-oriented world. This is where imbalance takes its toll and we often overcompensate unconsciously for those areas we have neglected. The fact that this is unconscious only exacerbates the imbalance and we find ourselves spiraling out of control and wondering why we feel so exhausted and numb.

When we are young, the obvious physical and mental imbalance is not easily noticed and since we are young and our bodies still new, it seems we are not in need of conscious maintenance of balance. Yet, there comes a point in our lives when time and continued mistreatment of our physical and mental selves begins to take its toll. The effects of this can come in the form of a mental breakdown, physical ailments that have long-term effects and so much more.

How can one avoid this unfortunate fate? There are many methods, but simply put, the individual must change their diet, reconnect with their body in order to better listen to it, and live a more stress-free and enjoyable life. This process is not easy when we have been indoctrinated into believing material wealth and possessions are what makes a person happy. This lie propagates the imbalance yet each of us struggles to free ourselves of it. It is like a poisonously addictive drug we cannot seem to quit.

cassiaSimple Solutions

For me, the solutions have been simple and yet difficult as implementing them means I must change my patterns, habits and beliefs. Yoga was the first step, followed by meditation and finally the use of essential oils to encourage physical healing. With the practice of yoga five or more times a week, I have found a deeper connection with my body, one that I did not even know I was without. With this physical body connection, I recognized that I was holding stress in different areas of my body and that my moods were influenced by my diet and frequency of eating. I can actually feel where my body is out of balance! This recognition has caused me to take a closer look at my diet. I reduced sugar and increased whole, natural foods into my diet and make sure to eat frequent, small meals. I have also stopped abusing my body with overly intense exercise, allowing myself to take breaks when my body signals a need for rest. Additionally, I have been working on extracting myself from stressful situations, focusing more on making my life what I want it instead of trying to live some other life based upon the lie fed to me by society.

Interestingly enough, with becoming more in-tune with my body, I have become more in-tune with my mind. Yoga, meditation, essential oils and change in diet and routine have influenced my mental state as well. I am more aware of those thoughts which sabotage my mood and have learned to stop them and regulate them, even learning to reword them into a more positive light. This is not easy for me since I have been thinking a certain way my entire life. It takes patience and perseverance and in the past I have been very unsuccessful. Yet I am finding that yoga and mediation have been essential to increasing my mental state. I am so very grateful to my team of spiritual assistants for helping me hear their message (finally).

Ultimately, what has helped me the most is allowing myself to have more time with myself. I have beentaking long baths when I have a list of things to do, stopping to fit in 20 minutes of yoga when I normally would continue at a break-neck pace; letting the house stay a mess and learning to be comfortable no matter how chaotic my environment seems, and not thinking ahead about things I have no control over and just accepting where I am and what I have in that moment.

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October: The Month of Letting Go

This week has been beautiful. There was the blood moon, the eclipse, and Mercury went retrograde. For some reason, the energy has been wonderfully uplifting for me and, as a result, I have been happier, more calm and at peace. However, I know my experience this week has not been the norm. From what I hear from others – adults and children alike – the energy has not settled well with all. Some are completely shocked by it and I mean that literally. I have seen many adults in zombie mode and not in very good moods. The children seem to be very aware and highly sensitive. So if their parents happen to be one of those not handling the energy very well, their poor children are the ones suffering.

For me, the calm, peaceful feeling could not have come at a better time. At work I have been barraged by upset children trying to deal with their parents’ battles and feeling completely overwhelmed and out of control. Thankfully, I was able to remain calm, listen and help them. The adults, on the other hand, are taking most of the upset in stride, but this could be their professional demeanor coming through as when I spoke with one on a more personal level she fought back tears more than once.

What You Resist, Persists

This morning, out of the blue, I heard clearly in my mind, “That which you resist, persists” and I knew this was the theme of October. For those who have been struggling to let go of their past mistakes, regrets, emotional baggage or whatever haunts them, this is the ideal time to stop resisting and open up to healing. Only through acceptance and healing can you truly let go.

Some of us will not be burdened with this process as much as others. We have been letting go for a while now, listening and opening our hearts with compassion for ourselves and allowing the hurt to flow out, accepting and taking responsibility for our part even when we didn’t want to. Some of us were forced through various means. Some may have had upsetting, recurrent dreams with odd characters or people from their past. Others may have run into problems at work, at home or both and ended up in yet another precarious situation in which required them to make yet another impossible decision. Yet this time they may have chosen different; decided they were done and fed up and not going to allow themselves to be unhappy anymore. Still others have been on a bumpy ride for sometime, some of them for years, and this month will seem impossibly difficult as this cycle comes to an end. They may have been struggling with a bitter divorce, illness, family loss or a combination of similar stressful life events. For those individuals who long for peace and just a smidgen of sunshine, be patient it is not far away.

Why I have been particularly spared and allowed to enjoy a bubble of peace and calm in my life, I have my theories spurred by my intuition, but really all that matters is that I am enjoying a nice plateau. Work has really been uplifting for me. My purpose as a helper has been validated time and time again. I feel a part of a beautiful, loving group of people who share similar goals to my own and overall it gives me such great satisfaction to be there. My home life has also been more stable. I have been less anxious and stressed which has given me more time to enjoy my children. I have also had more patience, though at times it was tested. Physically I have been full of energy, so much so that I don’t feel tired even at bedtime. Yet when I try to sleep I instantly drift off to sleep. Finally, spiritually I have been more connected to my spiritual core.

Healingmoon

A huge part of letting go is healing. For me, that is what this month has been so far. I have been feeling the urge to meditate more and it has been wonderful! One night I took a bath and meditated in the bath for a while. It was so easy which is surprising to me since it has not been easy these past 7 years. I have also been meditating at night prior to sleep. One night I fell asleep as I was meditating and awoke still in my meditative position (head propped up with pillows with body horizontal). That night I dreamed I was meditating, even hearing that I needed to have patience and eventually I would be able to hit a higher level.

Of course we are not even halfway through the month, so there is much more healing to go. Some will find it more difficult as the month progresses. This will occur for those who do not wish to “dig up the past” and feel doing so is futile. The more they resist, the more intense the backlash will be.

You may wonder, “What is it that I am suppose to do?” Some of you may not have to consciously do anything. Most of it will happen in your daily life and in your dreams. You may be like me and have synchronicity all around you and then find yourself meditating in your dreams or experiencing healing dreams or, not remembering your dreams at all. Then there are those who may be required to actively participate. This takes some introspection and focus. When a memory of a past issue comes into your mind, inspect it. Ask yourself, “What have I not seen? What have I not noticed?” First you may have to wade through a muck of emotions, but once you have braved the feelings you have so solidly resisted, you will find revelations on the other side. Sometimes it may be as simple as letting yourself off the hook for someone other person’s mistake. Other times it will be you who will be humbled.

You Are Not Alone

Through all of this, so many of you will go through moments of such intense aloneness that you will cry out to God for a reprieve. Try to remember, through all of this, that you are not alone. Never are you alone. In fact, you likely have a squadron of guides around you, assisting you however they can. I am told that this period of feeling utterly alone will also pass. Some will feel it more intensely than others, but as your past losses and issues are addressed and let you, you will feel less and less alone and more and more deeply connected to your inner being and God. It is a slow, nearly imperceptible process that will reveal itself suddenly and with such overflow of love that you will cry happy tears. And through it all, you will never be alone.

You may wonder how to know you are not alone. Faith is one way. I actually got a tarot reading in my dream last night and the reader’s name was Faith. Sometimes you just have to trust that things are working out the way they are meant to. Another way is to look for signs that you have loved ones in Spirit around you. A memory out of the blue, goosebumps when you are not cold, a call from someone you have not spoken to in a long time. And of course, synchronicity.

I will end this post with an experience I had this week that is the perfect example of recognizing we are not alone. My children had lost the remote right when I was going to settle down for some “me” time. I was tired and irritated that I was being denied my “me” time. The remote could not be found and I was growing ever more irritated. Yet as I searched the entire house, I felt a tingle on my left shoulder more than once accompanied by a brief pause in my thoughts and a feeling of, “It’s alright. It will be found”. In my upset I pushed the thoughts away, although I recognized Spirit was following me and trying to help, determined to find it and blaming my middle son. I put my children to bed and resigned myself to just accepting that it would not be found and that life would be fine without it. I felt the tingles again and said to myself as I also heard the thought, “It will be found”. Within moments it was found and I laughed. I told my mother-in-law (she found it) about the tingles and what they meant and she was impressed and grateful as it proved to her as well that we are not alone.