Category Archives: Healing

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Dream: Pelican Island

The energy lately has been of the healing sort, at least for me. I am having dreams about my heart connection quite frequently. I’ve also been having dreams with my older sister, though those have declined substantially in the past few weeks. I don’t recall many of the specifics of the dreams after they happen. I just wake up with a Knowing of what was being discussed.

The following dream is an exception to this. It is reminiscent of dream meetings I’ve had in the past.

Dream: Pelican Island

I met with a man at a restaurant. For some reason I thought of him as the husband of my best friend from high school but he looked nothing like him. It was clear he was romantically interested in me and we were on a “date”. He was very charming, handsome and familiar. 

Our conversation is a blur to me. I only recall that we chatted a while and I liked him very much. Throughout our time together I was a bit confused and also concerned about him being the husband of my friend. I never mentioned my concerns to him, though my guilt was obvious, and just enjoyed our date. 

Wherever we were was spacious with high ceilings, huge windows and plants of all kinds both indoors and out. I don’t recall a waiter/waitress taking our order or any food or appetizers being served. In fact, there was no food anywhere in the “restaurant”. All we did was talk and eventually we snuggled close and even kissed, though it wasn’t with passion but more the familiar kiss and interactions of a couple that had been together a long time. The intimacy between us was obvious.

I knew he had two children with “my friend” and that they were about the same ages as my two oldest, maybe a little older. We discussed my age for some reason. He was complimenting me about how beautiful I was and commented on how I couldn’t be very old. I told him, “Not true. I’m 43…..oh no, I’m 46.” He laughed and said, “You ARE young. I’m…” I don’t recall his exact age but he was in his 50’s. Again, I felt a bit confused about what was happening. I didn’t quite realize I was dreaming but I knew something was up. I didn’t care, though, because I really liked the man.

His looks are hard to recall but I think he had brown hair, maybe graying or light brown, almost blonde. He reminded me somewhat of my mom’s ex-husband but in all the positive ways. Though I don’t remember our discussion I was able to remember what he told me about himself. He was a successful businessman. I don’t know what business but money was not a problem for him. His personality felt similar to that of a good salesman, there was nothing he felt he couldn’t do or achieve. I knew that he would happily provide me with anything and everything I could ever want and need plus more. He would always put me first. It actually seemed like he was selling himself to me, which in itself is flattering.

As we were preparing to leave he asked me if I wanted to go to Pelican Island with him. He motioned across the room to a counter where they were selling ferry tickets. He said, “We can make the last boat if we hurry. Like, we have 1 minute!” I recall seeing him looking at his watch and I saw what he saw in my mind. The analog clock face showed it was nearing 4:30. I, of course, wanted to go. Everything about him felt exciting and appealing to me and I said yes before I even had time to think about it. 

We ran up to the counter and stopped short of it. We then stood facing away from it and I noticed two children with us. He also mentioned that his wife would be joining us, but she never appeared. Again, I felt extremely guilty and uncomfortable but pushed it from my mind. 

The tickets were purchased but I don’t remember the boat ride to the island. I just remember what the island was like and saw all the pelicans. There were so many that almost all the ground on the island was covered with them!

Considerations

I woke up thinking of how real the dream seemed. It felt like it was a dream visit. But who was this man? Was a he a guide or was he someone who is visiting me ahead of actually meeting me in the physical? Either could be true. There was very muted Kundalini and it was of the kind that was very calming and loving. No intensely passionate or magnetic sensations, which is nice. Whoever he was I very comfortable with and it felt like he was presenting me with an invitation, like a Call. It was such that I couldn’t resist. Everything in me was saying “Yes!”

The Pelican Island destination is odd. Is this symbolic or an actual place, or both?

Symbolism:

“When the Pelican Spirit Animal calls itself to your attention, it’s time to sit up and take notice. A fortuitous opening presents itself. The counsel from Pelican is remaining patient. Don’t dive too quickly or wait too long. You may feel a little insecure about the situation, but you have the chance to apply skills and talents, honing them even further.

The Pelican Spirit Animal is an active team player. It will not allow you to sit on life’s sideline, unmotivated. You need to get out there, among like-minded people and build new friendships. Accept support; give support. The groups you form during your work with Pelican will become some of the most important in your life.

Pelican asks: are you the half-full or half-empty person? What is in your beak, and when do you need to empty it? By letting go, you fill your cup far above the halfway mark with better things. Let nothing weigh you down when you’re reaching for the stars.

Your Pelican Spirit Animal knows you are compassionate. You see needs in people’s lives and respond. But do you respond to your own needs? Have you forgiven yourself from past misdeeds and mistakes? Tackling these two questions is part of Pelican Medicine, and only you have the answers”. Source

There are multiple places with the name Pelican Island. One is close to me, near Galveston, Texas. Another is in Florida and still another on the Missouri River. There is even one in the British Virgin Islands. 

Based upon my dream, the Pelican Island I saw most resembled the wildlife sanctuary in Florida. 

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Full Moon Healing Dreams

Full Night of Tearful Dreams

Last night I had unexpected dreams of my heart connection that resulted in waking multiple times in tears. When I would return to sleep, the dream topic would continue and more tears would result. When I woke I would hear my guidance remind me, “It’s okay to love him.” I’m still uncertain as to why they would choose these words specifically. Do I not feel like it’s okay? Do I feel guilty about it? 

The first dream is the most hazy. In the dream I was living with him in an apartment. It was actually really nice. I was enjoying being there with him, as he was with me. I remember recognizing that I felt no extreme Kundalini energy fluctuations or heart bliss blasts. I felt very level headed and normal with the exception of feeling full of love for him. The love manifested as pure joy/happiness. I remember thinking of him as my best friend and not being distracted by sexual feelings whatsoever. It was a wonderful feeling.

Then we were going our separate ways. I dropped him off at the station (railroad I think but I never saw it). He promised to contact me after he made it to his destination and I remember noting the time difference between where I was and he would be. After four days of nothing, I began to despair. I remember talking to someone, telling them, “I should’ve known better”. There was a Knowing that when we connected in life that it always left me in a similar state of grief and loneliness. The despair I felt every time we parted ways was beyond description and difficult to manage. I remember asking, “Why?” and breaking down in tears. This is when I woke. My heart was aching and when I heard, “It’s okay to love him”, the only thought I had was about the pain I was feeling and how unbearable it was.

There were a few other dreams but the dream of most significance was similar to the above. I had clear memory of spending quite a bit of time with him. The love was there in abundance. The happiness I felt at just being with him was profound. I’ve never felt so happy in this lifetime. I felt complete when with him. There was no sense of lack whatsoever. 

The time we spent together we traveled extensively and loved one another dearly. Again, it was more a sense of us being best friends than anything else. When we met initially we were like long lost friends reunited, sharing our life stories and catching up. I don’t remember much else of this story except returning home and going to bed with wonderful memories of our time together. When I woke I searched for our emails and couldn’t find them. I began to search for other proof of my memories and found nothing. I began to despair, thinking I must be going crazy. No one I knew had any knowledge of him or our time together. I remember wondering, “Was it just a dream? No! It was too real! It wasn’t a dream.” 

The last thing I recall is going through my bags looking for souvenirs I had brought home from our travels together. Unfortunately, there were none. My hopes dashed, I broke down in tears and woke up with a lingering aching in my heart. My biggest upset was that everything I experienced with him wasn’t real after all. It was all just a dream and never happened.

When I awoke for the final time this morning the stark contrast between the joy and happiness I felt in my dreams and the way I feel in currently in life was hard to ignore.

Music Messages

There were songs following me through the night also. The first one was a song I’ve heard many times before as a message about my heart connection – Charlie Puth’s When I See You Again.

Another song that was coming up is called Cola. The part I heard over and over was, “She can’t tell the difference yet.” This seemed to be in line with the dream of not being able to find proof of what I had experienced and feeling crazy and upset about the loss of that reality.

The last song message I received was after the last dream. Beauty and the Beast – “Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme…” I have no idea why that one came to mind but I do think I’ve received it as a song message in the past. It was odd and seemed out of place because of the movie and “the beast” part. Maybe it is a reminder that he and I are old, old friends, meeting “by chance” over and over with similar outcomes from life to life?

There was another dream where I had given up my oldest son for adoption and was upset at seeing him being raised by another. I have no idea why it was stuffed in between the other dreams but it created a similar upset feeling. I remember seeing him as a baby and the love I had for him. To think of losing him created an ache in my chest similar to the ache I feel for the loss of my heart connection.

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Thankful it’s August

I don’t know about you, but July was a difficult month. It started out good (Kundalini dream) but quickly turned sour, at least for me.

On the 4th my husband announced he wanted a divorce. I will spare you the details (and drama) of the whole situation. Let’s just say it’s been stressful. I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions ever since, though the ups and downs have leveled out a bit over time. Currently, we are at a standstill, not progressing much because of logistics and trouble confronting the magnitude of changes that will result if we move forward.

That same week, my new assistant at work began to give indicators that he was not happy. We knew he had a tendency to move from job to job based upon his resume but hired him anyway. He was good at the job but he indicated he was unhappy within his first week. Mostly he complained he was not getting as much money as he wanted and he wanted to work from home. At the last minute he emailed me a resignation letter, giving us just one day notice. Someone had offered him a job at the pay he wanted. So be it. The timing was not the best but really it helped ease some of my stress. I am happier with him gone. The last thing I need is a whiny, indecisive, unhappy assistant.

About the third week of July I came down with what I thought was a head cold. My oldest son had the same symptoms and we spent the first two days feeling similarly – stuffy head, mild congestion, and headache. He complained of his eyes hurting and ended up sleeping quite a bit while I continued about my normal, daily activities, unbothered.

By day three I was concerned because my symptoms weren’t getting better. In fact, I worried I was getting a sinus infection because the pressure in my head was getting worse. Someone at work had Covid previously so I took a home test. Within seconds it showed the result: positive.

July 24, 2022

I was shocked initially and then laughed about it. It seemed fitting for some reason. I didn’t test my son because we both knew he had it, too.

The next few days my headache got progressively worse, specifically behind my eyes. In fact, my eyes hurt so bad that I couldn’t bear to have them open for long. The pain was like someone stabbing me with a knife. Ibuprofen helped ease the pain so I could function but looking at screens of any kind was near torture. For every 30 minutes of screen time (I kept working from home) I had to close my eyes for an hour. Day 5 was the worst of the eye pain. I worried I would have to go to the ER if it got any worse because it felt like my eyes were about to explode out of my head.

Then on day 6 everything went back to very mild symptoms and by day 8 I had no symptoms at all. I did sleep extremely hard the entire time I had symptoms and for a few days after. I would get tired around 8pm and then crash and wake up feeling like I had been drugged. I loved it! Sleep = my favorite part of the day.

So, Covid, for me at least, was horrible eye pain and that is pretty much it. It is like the Universe was saying, “Close your eyes. Go within.” That I did (I had to). I will also say that I felt pretty negative the entire time. It was like a black cloud was hanging over my head. Yucky stuff.

By my birthday I was feeling normal again. That very day, though, I had stabbing pains in my right ankle that would come and go. These were accompanied by odd pains in my leg that would also come and go. The pain in my ankle was far worse than the leg pain which I would describe as extremely mild. After two days of the pain in my ankle I did some foam rolling and deep stretching, focusing on my legs. I’ve not had any ankle pain since but the other pain remains. I suspect it is sciatica or maybe a faulty vein. I’ve had both in the past. I’ve also been dealing with sacrum pain again. Altogether it makes me feel like I’m falling apart. Is this what happens when you are over 45yrs? lol I hope not!

Also on my birthday my mom called telling me she had similar symptoms to my Covid symptoms. She didn’t take a test but was worried she had it. The last time I talked to her she was resting in bed and taking cold meds. I had no contact with her whatsoever, so if she does have Covid it wasn’t me who gave it to her.

I blame all the physical body issues on my stress level. I rarely, if ever, get sick. I’ve gone this entire time without getting Covid (that I know of) and then July happens and I get it. Ha! The pain in my eyes was unexpected. I figured it would be flu-like. Nope. Nothing like the flu. More like a sinus infection from hell without the congestion. I wouldn’t wish eye pain like that on anyone. I suspect my other body issues are inflammation-related and it wouldn’t surprise me if they were brought on by Covid. I’ve read it can impact the nerves.

On a more positive note, last Sunday the Universe gave me a gift. On my morning walk I came upon a beautiful, red-tailed hawk. It was in my neighbor’s yard eating something. I was about 20 feet from it when I saw it and I just stood there watching it for a while. I was able to take a photo of it before it flew away. It was magnificent! For me, the hawk represents the bigger picture and gaining perspective. I think it significant that it was on the ground. It was a reminder to me that all things happen for a reason. I may not see the bigger picture right now, but in time I will.

Juvenile Red-Tailed Hawk, Aug 7, 2022

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Time for a Little Change


I’ve been working on changing things up. As the featured image says, you can’t get different results by doing the same thing over and over. So I figured changing up my routine might work. I have to find new things to do, things outside what is my norm. Mix life up a bit. I will have to figure it out on my own, too, because it is clear my guidance isn’t going to help. 

Daily Yoga

For the past three weeks I’ve practiced yoga daily for 20-35 minutes. I decided to change up my routine for various reasons but mostly because I have been feeling rushed, stressed and overly emotional. There are moments in life when something’s gotta give and this was one of them.

During the first week I dropped my normal exercise routine completely. I’d already whittled it down to three days a week for 45 minutes without experiencing any relief. I also started going on daily 1-2 mile walks beyond just my normal dog walking.

That first week I was so tight and sore! OMG! My entire body hurt. I had muscles hurting I didn’t know I had. And as someone who weight trains that was a big surprise. Ha! I remember thinking, “Isn’t yoga suppose to make me less tight and sore?”.

The second week the soreness began to fade along with the tightness. I continued to go on daily long walks and added in two days of bodyweight circuit training (10-20 minutes total). This was mainly to keep good heart health by getting my heart rate in the aerobic range, which yoga doesn’t do.

Last week, the third week, I added light weights to my circuits (heart health again) and increased the number of workouts to three days a week while continuing my daily yoga practice.

I intend to keep up the daily yoga. It fits perfectly into my schedule. I take my dog for his morning walk and then do my yoga. The rushed, overly stressed/emotional me has disappeared. Instead I feel more balanced and calm. I find myself enjoying the little moments and my body feels good!

Three weeks of yoga =
Better sleep
Calmer
Less anxious
Less tense (in mind and body)

Energetic Shift or Something Else?

This last week there have been other changes, too. IDK for sure if it due to yoga or something else. I heard there was a solar storm, so maybe that’s part of it? Whatever the cause, I’ve been having some odd physical issues.

My resting heart rate, which is usually pretty low due to my physical fitness, is getting super low at times. Typically it will dip into the high 50’s when I sleep. No biggie, but last week it was as low as 40 during sleep and started happening during the day! Along with the low heart rate I have been having dizzy spells that come on suddenly. For example, one time I was doing the dishes and felt like I was going to fall into the sink. I had to brace myself momentarily and wait for the feeling to pass (which it did and fast). I also felt fuzzy in my head, like being high. Similarly, one morning after yoga (two days ago now), I was hit with the same odd “high” feeling and then my legs felt unsteady under me, like they weren’t my legs at all. I had to sit down immediately and wait for it to pass. I checked my heart rate – 40bpm. That entire day I felt “off”.

Today I’ve not had a low heart rate but the weird “high” feeling has been with me all day. It is only recently that it disappeared and that was only after I did over an hour of energizing breathwork (think Breath of Fire). Honestly, I didn’t expect to feel so amazing after the breathwork. The fog lifted, my energy stabilized and I feel better.

I’ve also been feeling really groggy when I wake up and my dreams have been unique, to say the least. I experienced the Kundalini in a new way – again. The K never disappoints, that’s for sure! Ha! I may post the dream experience at some point, but I think for now I will just say that the energy of the Kundalini seems to be balancing out and syncing with my physical body’s energy. If that even makes sense. As usual, it was pure awesomeness. I am completely amazed and blown away.

Is it the daily yoga or something else? IDK but I’m going to continue the yoga regardless. If it makes the K crazy then I’ll just tone it down and do Hatha yoga or something.

Exploring Options

I’ve been looking at ways to get myself “out there” (as in around people) again. The breathwork I mentioned above is part of that effort. I returned to Meetup after over a decade to scroll through the various groups in my area looking for one (or two) that I might want to join. I wasn’t looking for anything specifically, really, just checking out the local groups and getting use to using the app.

I stumbled upon a local breathwork group and felt an inner “YES” that pulled me to explore it further. I ended up finding past Zoom recordings and listened to one on a whim, hoping, if anything, it would help the weird zombie feeling I’ve had all day. It was energizing breathwork and it did not disappoint! They meet via Zoom every Sunday but I will probably just use the recordings until there is a Sunday when my house environment is better suited. Kids at home = noise and distraction. Not very good for pranayama (breathwork) and meditation. If they had an in-person meet-up I’d be there for sure, but they don’t.

There are other groups I’m considering but none of them has called to me like the “Breathe” group.

What is interesting to me is that it is Meetup that helped me connect to a Shamanic Healing group years ago when I had just stumbled into my spiritual awakening. I learned so much and met some wonderful people, people I still keep in touch with at times. Who knows, maybe something similar could happen again? And you know what is strange? I’m not against that happening. In fact, I hope it does.

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Dream: Time to Refuel

Life continues to keep me busier than usual. Spring typically brings lots of “new” and it is in full swing here in Texas. My daughter just had her 14th birthday yesterday (yay!) – the same day as the full moon eclipse! This week is full of preparations for the end of the school year which is just eight school days away and hopefully very soon I will be in the office training a new AP Manager (yippie!) to take over the majority of my duties. Next week my husband is leaving for a nine day motorcycle road trip with his brother which coincides with the last week of school – class parties, 5th and 8th grade graduation (I have both this year) and a choir concert to boot. No rest for the weary, I guess!

In all my busyness I don’t get much time to just be. It is obvious that I need stop and b.r.e.a.t.h.e. Even my dreams say so!

Dream: Time to Refuel

I was at mom’s house. My brother was there but he looked young, around 12yrs. We were going out to eat, to breakfast I think since that was the kind of food I saw in my mind. We headed to my car, climbed in and left for town.

On the way my mom pointed to the car’s gauges and said, “Looks like you’ll need to stop and get gas”. I looked at the fuel gauge and at first thought it showed full but upon closer inspection saw it was indeed at empty. For some reason “empty” was interpreted as “completely full” in my mind. I told her that it shouldn’t need gas based upon when I last filled it. I also said, “I haven’t driven it much. Someone must’ve siphoned gas from it”. I was confused, looking back in my memory for trips I’ve taken to try and make sense of the information. The only thing that made sense was that someone stole the gas, especially since stealing gas has been common lately with the high gas prices.

I recall the road I drove on was curvy and it was dark outside. The sense was that it was not close to dawn but closer to midnight.

Then we were in a hotel room in a large bed. My mom and brother were on my right. I was laying on my back feeling very relaxed and easily drifting off.

This is when the dream became more lucid. I could feel my body, how heavy and relaxed it was. I could feel how I was positioned – on my back, arms by my side, legs straight. I was so relaxed I could feel my jaw release and my mouth open. As I lay there, an energy swept over me that was familiar. It came with a slight sensation of falling. The energy moved through me in waves from feet to head and then head to feet. It was a wonderful, relaxed feeling and one I was keen to continue to fall deeper into.

This is when I felt someone lightly touching my legs. The sensation of touch went slowly up from my ankle towards my hips; sensual message. It felt wonderful and I relaxed into it. When I tried to sense who it was, there was no one there.

As I began to recognize I was likely in that in-between state where I could shift OOB, I heard voices to my right. My brother had woken way too early and was climbing around, talking and full of energy. I ignored it and focused back on the wonderfully heavy feeling. Again, I could feel the sensual massage, this time originating near my hip and moving down my thigh. I felt a bit embarrassed as I felt the sensation go over my thigh but pushed the thought away. It didn’t matter. I sent mental encouragement to whomever was helping me, urging them to continue.

Then I was hit on the top of my head by something. Turning, I saw my brother climbing around, unable to stay still in his eagerness to embrace the new day. I sighed and heard my mom tell him to get out of the bed. “Go get ready”, she said. I remember complaining. “It’s too early to wake up. It’s 5am.”

I focused my attention back on the heavy energy, encouraging it to return. It did but every time I focused on relaxing, the dream would interrupt – a voice, a bump, a distraction of some sort. In fact, noises from my own home began to intrude – our dog barked, my boys talking, the sound of footsteps.

When I finally woke up, I was laying in my own bed just as I had been laying in the dream. My mouth was extremely dry from being wide open for so long. I rarely sleep like that!

Considerations

I lingered in bed as long as I could. I didn’t want to get up and leave the warm, heaviness of slumber. I heard my guidance and said, “I want to sleep forever.” In our conversation I mentioned not wanting to deal with the events of the coming day. I had no interest. Sleep was so much better. My guidance reminded me of how fleeting my time here is and that “sleep”, which I so loved, would also end with this life. I saw he had a point and acknowledged it.

The dream symbolism seems to indicate that I am feeling “empty” but not really acknowledging the fact. Instead, I interpret the fuel tank as completely full. My mom (my wiser, maternal self) has to remind me I need to fill up.

Hotels are symbolic of shifts in personal identity; a new state of mind. It’s an indicator that I need to move away from old habits and ways of thinking. It may also indicate that I am seeking a reprieve from my normal, daily life. The interruption by my brother is representative of the interruptions of life. My children and responsibilities towards them come to mind.

The sensual massage was likely my desire to relax and enjoy being touched. One of my favorite ways to relax is through touch. Regular massage is good for easing aches and pains, but sensual massage is much more relaxing IMO. When I was a small girl my grandmother would often help me relax by lightly stroking my spine up and down. I would immediately settle.

The overall message seems to be that I need to pay attention and move away from the old into “the new”. At the very least it could indicate that I should go on another vacation. 🙂

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Healing and Dealing

I’ve not been posting much lately. There are a few reasons for this. The first is I’ve had no desire to do so. The next is that I’ve been super busy with life. The last is the consideration that some things I post are too personal and it may be time to keep them to myself.

Since around mid-March I’ve been going through a healing phase. Mostly the healing occurs during dreamtime and, though I’m aware that it is going on because I often wake in tears or with a guide close by, I have been paying little attention. I mentioned this when I posted about my recent trip to Mexico and the pattern continues. I keep thinking, “I’ll post about it when this phase is complete” because, usually, the way I perceive things shifts dramatically after some time has passed and I’ve had time to recover from all the intense purging. I thought for sure the healing would stop but it hasn’t. The only change is that I am more aware of what the healing involves and why it is happening.

The dreams I’m having continue to incite emotion ranging from tears with an unknown cause to intense sobbing with a full understanding of why. The more aware I’ve become of the healing occurring in dreamtime, the more I seem to remember upon waking. Many of the most intensely emotional dreams are the result of dream encounters with two people from the not-so-distant past (since 2014). Mixed in with these encounters are dreams where I am teaching and working with children. These dreams appear to be counseling sessions exploring my future options in regards to career path.

And the healing isn’t limited to dreamtime. When I wake my days are also emotional, just in a different way. I’ve only just realized my waking life is a continuation of what is occurring in my dreams. I cry more often, especially when I speak my Truth. I’m noticing signs despite not really looking for them.

For example, on a morning walk not long ago, a neighbor was having a moving sale. My husband happened to be walking with me that morning and wanted to buy some tools. He had to leave in a hurry, so I went back to pay only to be invited into the house to see what else was for sale. Turns out, the woman moving was selling a ton of metaphysical and spiritual items. She had an entire room devoted to this which I was immediately drawn to. It wasn’t long before the two of us were chatting about all the things we had in common. I discovered she is a Reiki Master Teacher and gave healing in her home. The room was full of crystals and I told her, “I could stay in this room forever,” as I choked back tears. We talked for about two hours and I ended up buying as many of her things as I could. Since this encounter I’ve turned an entire room of my house into a reading/art/music/mediation room in an attempt to re-create the energy I felt in her healing room.

Other signs are all around me, all pointing to the same thing, “Change”. I often feel panicked when I notice the signs because of how numerous they can be. In one day I might have four or five while other days there are none (that I notice). Add these messages in with the dreamwork I’ve been doing and you can image how I’ve been feeling!

During times like these (healing, greater Knowing), I can be spontaneous. This is what happened when I went to the moving sale. I had no clue what I would do with all the items I purchased, I just Knew I needed them. I ended up with a massage table, a new deck of tarot cards, crystals, pillows, chimes…the list goes on. Then I just Knew I needed to transform a space in my house to create a space for these items to live and I got right to it.

The new space in progress – after furniture was moved out and spiritual items were moved in.
The new healing space. Plenty of room to set up the massage table or do yoga.

I’ve had another feeling (Knowing) and that is to quit my job and do something else. The thing is that the situation is a complicated mess in so many ways. One, I have no idea what the something else IS that I will do. Two, my accounts payable duties and responsibilities are known only by me and to just up and leave would put the company at risk. I would need to train someone to take over. That is the responsible thing to do, anyway.

I also have my husband pushing back. He doesn’t want me to leave the company. So while I am trying to exit stage right he is attempting to put me into a position of higher responsibility. I’ve been telling him I’m overwhelmed, not enjoying my job, and feeling the weight of all the added responsibility. I even requested an assistant. I got approval on my request for an assistant but it has been on hold for weeks now because he hasn’t pushed the paperwork through to HR. Instead, I’m being asked to come into the office every day to receive training on my new duties.

It can feel like I’m getting nowhere. Some days it is very difficult to resist the urge to quit. Really difficult.

It was only recently that I recognized some of my impulsive urges may be a return to the past and how I was feeling then. The feelings may have nothing at all to do with present time. Nothing. Since then the urges have lessened, replaced with a sense that all is happening as it should and to let things unfold.

And finally, I am just really, really busy lately! It seems like I don’t have enough time in the day to do what I want to do – what I enjoy. This is partially due to putting in more office hours (versus working from home), but also life just happens. It seems like every weekend there is some event we have to go or some plan made that I forgot about. Then there are the irritating life hiccups that come along like discovering fraud on our checking account necessitating closing the account, opening a new one and directing all ACH bill payments to the new account. OMG it’s been a PITA. When I found out I took it well but not before taking a break to just scream at the top of my lungs in frustration. Surprisingly, it made me feel a ton better. lol

Featured photo: Card draw I did for myself with my new deck – The Crystal Ally Cards.

Message for Card #1. Question: What should I do in regards to my current situation?
Message of card #2. Question: How do I speak my truth?
Message of card #3. Question (request): I need more guidance.
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No Emotion to High Emotion

My emotions lately are either non-existent or full-on. Some days I feel so numb I wonder if something is wrong with me. Other days I break down in tears or wake up crying from emotional dreams. Numbness is more familiar to me and so easier to manage, except lately it has been really noticeable to the point that I’ve wondered what is going on.

My best guess is that I’m doing work at deeper levels, hidden from my waking awareness except in moments when it bubbles up. 

My dreams are giving me a glimpse of what’s going on but it is fleeting. 

Dream: Buried Puppy

For example, this morning I woke from a dream in tears with full knowledge of what I was being shown. In the dream I was talking to two very small puppies, no more than a few weeks old. One was upset because he hadn’t been able to make things right with his father. His father was my uncle. I promised the puppy that I would help him as best I could so I took the puppy to my uncle and asked him to listen and let bygones be bygones. My uncle took the puppy, turned around grumbling something, and walked away. I followed, worried by my uncle’s reaction. To my horror, my uncle quickly dug a hole in rocky soil, placed the puppy inside and covered it with rock and soil. I rushed to the aid of the puppy who was calling out from the hole apologetically. I frantically removed the soil trying to get to the puppy asking my uncle, “Why did you do that!?” I could feel both the emotion of the puppy and the emotion of my uncle. Both were equally upsetting.

When I woke I was sobbing, overcome with the emotion of the two individuals in my dream. It was clear to me that both my uncle and the puppy (my cousin) had similar emotions. They were hurt and angry. My uncle was so hurt by his son that he had blocked all emotion to the point that his heart had hardened. My cousin was so hurt by his father’s rejection of him that he had become similarly hardened. Underneath I could feel the source – mounds of grief at the loss of someone very loved. 

Feeling what they felt, I understood. It was so clear to me that had they just communicated honestly with one another, so much hurt could’ve been avoided. Instead, they both acted out, conditioned in life to reject certain emotion as a weakness (crying and being vulnerable, specifically).

I remembered how my mom reacted to her own emotion in similar ways. As did my grandfather. My mom would get horribly irritable, saying mean things and avoiding eye contact. One day I saw her hurt through her anger and hugged her. She cried as I hugged her, saying, “Why are you hugging me!? You’re making me cry!” She has often told me that she hates crying because of how it makes her feel, look and act (unable to talk, red nose and face, snot, etc). My grandfather would just pull away. Once he was closer to death he began to let the emotion through.

As my uncle gets older I see his emotional side, too. He still has not let go of the pain of his relationship with his son, though. He wears it like a badge and uses it as justification of his actions. In the dream he buries his son, which I think is symbolic of his beliefs that his son is a lost cause and dead to him. 

Dream: Communications Class 

After the above dream I returned to sleep and entered a dream where I was sitting in a classroom with my mom. It was a communications class and my mom had come to class with me out of curiosity. I remember telling her I skipped class often and had not been keeping up with my assignments. I showed her one that I had purposefully ignored because it felt pointless to me. The assignment was to copy letters in cursive, placing them perfectly on lined paper much like you do in elementary school. The letters were in a textbook and the teacher had told us to photocopy the lined paper for the assignment. When my mom asked about the assignment I told her I didn’t care if I failed it. I showed her what I had completed and planned to turn in. The letters were floating in the middle of the lined paper, unevenly spaced and of all different sizes despite being readable and formed correctly. I felt my work was good enough. 

When I woke I knew the dream was related to the previous dream. Communication is key to preventing negative karma. In the case of my uncle and cousin, their rejection of each other will continue into another lifetime if they don’t make amends before death. My uncle knows this. He spent a lot of time mending his relationship with both his parents before they died. So, why then, does he not try to do this with his son? It is hard to say. Maybe he expects his son to come to him? 

As related to me, my own communication is anything but perfect. It may “pass the class”, but barely. It is rare that I work to maintain good communication with people outside my inner circle. Typically, I will put forth effort when it comes to close family, but with friends and acquaintances I make little to no effort at all. This is by choice. It is a lot of work to stay on good terms with people and so I reserve what little energy I have for those closest to me. My husband can’t believe I’m this way because he will go out of his way to get on good terms with pretty much everyone. I would but it is exhausting to me. Really.

However, if I were in my uncle’s shoes, I would definitely make the effort. If one of my children disappointed me continuously, I wouldn’t disconnect from them completely. I may stop helping them to avoid enabling them, but I would still tell them I loved them, still talk to them, still want to spend time with them. 

Emotional Overload

My higher levels of emotion are likely the result of my own avoidance. I definitely dislike crying for similar reasons as my mom. My throat constricts and I can’t talk. If I do try to talk, my voice is high pitched and strained. My face gets red and I feel very uncomfortable. Being the effect of my emotions is a very vulnerable place to be! 

Just in the last two weeks I’ve broken down in tears during several conversations with my husband about how I feel unappreciated, taken for granted and undervalued. The tears come as a result of what I say, so I know there is truth in my words. Usually I get angry or walk away, but for some reason these last few conversation helped me to see just how exhausted I am and I succumbed. It is just too much work to pretend I am strong.

One day the emotion followed me to work and I nearly burst into tears in a meeting over something someone said. At first I found myself reacting the way I often do. It’s a “deer in headlights” reaction, like I freeze and don’t know how to react. I don’t feel anything initially and it takes me a while to respond to questions. This particular time I was told my input in the meeting was not needed and unwanted. It was an outright rejection of my contribution and a clear message that I was not there to contribute but to observe. The person who told me this recognized that it hurt my feelings before I did and said, “Don’t be upset”. I lied and said I wasn’t, still frozen, unsure as to what exactly I was feeling. It was only later that I understood. As I sat through the rest of the meeting, silent as instructed, the emotion threatened to break through, but I kept it in check. I recognized she had made me feel unappreciated and undervalued. I was so upset that I thought, “I don’t want to be here anymore.” “Here” as in work. I wanted to walk out and quit right then and there. If I’m not valued or appreciated or seen, then why stay?

I spoke to my husband about it a couple of days later and burst into tears again. Sigh. He promised me she meant nothing by it and that I was valued and appreciated. He even told me she did the same thing to him once upon a time. It didn’t help. I still feel what I feel.

Even today I feel the emotion from this morning’s dream still lingering under the surface. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, not knowing when/if the high emotion will raise its ugly head. It’s starting to give me a headache. 😦

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Dream: Three Swords

I have been feeling something deep within. It is barely noticeable and feels similar to past experiences when another part of myself is recognizable, a self that I have called the “small self” in the past.

The feelings have been simmering under the surface for some time but only yesterday did they feel to seep through in such a way that I took notice. By bedtime, I had felt this other me so much that I took time to focus on the feeling. The emotion was sadness mostly, a deep, penetrating sadness. The recognition of this other me was instant and I shifted immediately into Knowing. Rather than reject what I felt via this other me, I allowed it and then spoke to her, soothing her and telling her “it will be alright”. I sent love to her. The feelings calmed. 

From the Rider-Waite Tarot Deck

Dream: Three Swords

In the dream I was in a school being shown around by another teacher. It felt like I was getting a tour as a new employee.

I recall vividly meeting the school counselor. She was very pleasant and told me I could come talk to her anytime. I remember thinking, “She really loves me.” It made me very emotional and I began to cry, momentarily gaining some lucidity. She spoke with me a while and there was another instant of clarity. She said, “windfall”, and my mind went immediately to the good fortune our family is experiencing. There was a brief memory of being given this word as a message in the past (2019) and I instantly knew it pertained to my husband and his acquisition of the company.  

At the end I was taken to a classroom with 8th graders and realized the school was a K-8 school and, because of my experience, half my classes were teaching middle school. This surprised me at first but I understood their reasoning and so was agreeable.

The kids who entered were rowdy and intimidating. At first I didn’t feel prepared, but then felt completely at ease with the teenagers, knowing exactly how to get them to settle. I approached them one by one, asking their names and getting to know them.

The other teacher suggested I put up a bulletin board with all the students’ names and have the students post a picture that represented their life. One girl excitedly approached and asked me if she could post a family pic. She showed me and I told her it was perfect. I felt a warmth from the interaction, knowing the girl felt safe and heard in my presence.

I took the class on a field trip to a theatrical presentation and watched it with them. A group of women dressed in formal attire sang a song while a group of men carrying curved swords fought valiantly (but not to the death) for the opportunity to be with one of the women. Three swords (three of swords tarot card?) got left behind and I tried to put them in the classroom but it was locked. Another teacher met me and told me I could put the swords inside her room, so I left them with a sticky note on them (letter to myself). 

Considerations

When I woke I knew the dream was to show me all that contributions I have made thus far, specifically with teaching and reaching children and teenagers. I was reminded how, when I tune in and focus on helping, I can reach the kids that are the most difficult to reach. 

There were memories of when I stopped trying to connect and no longer wanted to help. There was understanding that all I had to do was step outside myself and be open to receiving what the students needed. In those times I was over tired, disillusioned or resisting moving on. For example, when I worked at the alternative school I was pregnant and tired and over worked – burned out. Thus, connecting with the very difficult students didn’t happen. It was just too exhausting and I needed rest. 

Similarly, when I was a counselor at the elementary school, though I did connect and enjoyed working with the kids, I was going through a difficult time emotionally and so ran out of energy quickly, unable to really put my all into the job like I should’ve. I thought back to the day I found out was my last day. The principal didn’t even bother to warn me it was coming. I wonder now if they hastened my leaving because they decided I wasn’t a good fit like they first thought? It doesn’t matter. I was ready to leave.

It is clear that when I introvert (withdraw into myself) is when others are cautious of me. When I open myself up, others are attracted to me more. The thing is, I mostly don’t feel like opening up. In my twenties I was very open, I wanted to help and so got more opportunities to do so. As I have become more disillusioned I’ve closed myself off. There were just too many instances where my helping others left me feeling unsuccessful and resentful. 

I’m obviously still healing, trying to pull out of the introverted stage little by little. My guidance is trying to show me when I have been successful and that I have a gift. When I woke, knowing their tactic I told them, “I still don’t want to stay. Why do you keep trying to change my mind?” 

The dream of the students, where the females sang and the men battled for the opportunity to earn their affections, reminded me of the dynamic I’ve observed all my life. The men want to show off, to impress the women with their strength and masculinity, the woman sit back, showing off their beauty and feminine traits. It really is a mating dance and it goes on, and on, and on. Even after the men and woman are grown and have children this dance continues. The ridiculousness of it bothers me and I am not interested in the game or participating in it. Much higher levels of interaction exist. Humans are stuck in a very low, animalistic and biologically driven game.

My low opinion of humans is why I introvert (withdraw within). So many people aren’t even scratching the surface of their potential. Then those that have moved above and beyond are still struggling, specifically with these sexual/mating game that continues under the surface of most everything. 

I do believe I come from another race of Beings or at least my past lives have been as such. These experiences are part of me and why I am so homesick. Earth – humanity – is so barbaric, so cruel, so confusing. Humans are just not my people.

What’s worse is that I am human, too. Yuck.

Yet in my dream I saw how I also loved humanity, so much so that my heart overflowed with love. And I Remembered.

In my earlier days (especially before my Saturn Return) I saw potential in everyone and tried to help them see it, too. I recall when I first started teaching how beautiful I thought my students were. I loved all of them and defended them to some of the other teachers who preferred to focus on the negative or had become burned out.

Over time I burned out, too. It was just so difficult! Maybe I set my standards too high? Probably. 

So, I will try in the future to look at each individua’s unique journey, gauging where they are and then working with the existing potential on a gradient. It is my own judgement of them that leaves me sad and discouraged and ultimately unwilling to help. It is hard not to judge when you see where a person could be versus their present reality. It is very frustrating and I can only imagine this must be how our guides feel when they see us struggling through this life! 

I think a good strategy is to become more like my guides. I know how they feel, I’ve been allowed to experience it. The reason they are so patient, loving and supportive is because they see past our flaws to our potential. They are able to see the why behind our struggles and they accept us as is, without judgement. When they see us, we are beautiful, flaws and all.

What does this mean for me? I suspect the end result will be to return to a similar mindset to what I had when I was young (optimistic, open, adventurous). This time, though, I won’t be so naïve about it. I will be much more selective, choosing only those interactions that feel correct for me.

At some point in the future I will be changed. I don’t think I will even notice it, but it will happen. And you know what? I am excited at the prospect of it. To feel purpose again. To feel hopeful. To feel optimistic. What a relief that will be!

This is likely what my Chiron (Kiron) Return will bring, leading me to become the Role Model.

In Human Design the 6th line is prone to cynicism. I am definitely cynical. I wasn’t always that way but the experiences of my life have led me to be so. Time to reverse that trend.

Three of Swords

Here is a link to the general meaning of the card. I do believe it is indicative of my journey and contains a message to take my time, heal and learn from the past. The sticky note I left on the swords could signify the letter I wrote to myself not long ago. It does seems fitting.

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Kundalini Dream: Want to Clean Floors with Me?

Very active night of dreams with the last one being a Kundalini dream.

I don’t recall the first dream too well now. My entire birth family was there, including my deceased father who I don’t see in dreams very often (he died in 1995). I remember seeing him very clearly and interacting with him about possibly taking an art class and finally deciding it was better to be a photographer. I took photos and remember that our family was going to take a family photograph together. The dream ended when I realized my father was dead and couldn’t be there. Unfortunately, I didn’t become lucid. I just woke up.

Kundalini Dream: Want to Clean Floors with Me?

The beginning of this dream is hazy. I recall being taken to a massive house that was mostly underground. As I descended the stairs I recall being told the house was left to me by my recently deceased grandparents. A woman with dark hair was with me. She was the curator of the house and was giving me a tour.

I remember going into the bathroom and seeing that the shower had been altered. Specifically, the shower curtain was taken off because it was no longer needed, but the rod was still there. I saw the need for a place to hang wet towels and clothing (I thought of bathing suits) so I adapted the curtain rod to this purpose. 

I walked around exploring the space. It looked like a normal house but the walls were concrete. A very large cat excitedly greeted me. It looked like a puma and was most obviously a pet. I pushed it off and lured it into a room and shut the door but it pushed it open and attempted to hug me. I pushed it off me again, trying to get it to go back upstairs but it wouldn’t. I suddenly became aware of many other “pet” pumas wandering the space, so, I closed myself off in a room.

I was inside a bathroom that I knew belonged to the curator. I felt I shouldn’t be there but also knew the space was now mine, so pushed it out of my mind. I noticed it was very dark inside and there were multiple leaks from the ceiling. Containers were collecting the moisture but it didn’t look like water. It was a thick, gold substance. The bathtub had a large window at the top that had curtains covering the light. I wanted more light so I opened them up only discover layers upon layers of curtains. I finally got them opened when the curator walked in, surprising me. Feeling like I was in trouble, I told her I was exploring and saw the leaks. She nodded and I asked to be told of other issues because I was not sure I wanted to take on a house with so many problems. The curator looked at the open window and I told her it was dark and I wanted to see the view outside. I pointed out the greenery outside. It was a beautiful view and unexpected as it indicated we were not below the ground like I thought.

When I left the bathroom I saw others were inside the house with me, people I knew from work mostly. They were looking around in amazement at my inheritance. 

The next thing I remember is a coworker coming towards me smiling really big. I could hear the others laughing thinking he was playing around but his face said he wasn’t and that he wanted me to go along with what he was doing. Unsure of what was going on, I played along. His back was to the group as he put his arms around me and pulled me close, pressing his lips to my own. In my shock I looked in his eyes and saw he was amused. Figuring it was a joke after all, I kissed him back but not fully. When I did my midsection lit up and the energy expanded. This surprised me and I pulled away. The man smiled, his eyes twinkling. The group was still laughing, thinking it all a joke. They couldn’t see that we had kissed. I looked at the faces of the people and spotted the man’s wife in the crowd. I wondered what was going on.

The man pulled away, standing back as I slumped to the floor overcome by the amazing bliss flooding my body. I felt completely incapable of moving, frozen by the shock of what had happened and the incapacitating energy. My mind was busy trying to understand what was going on but nothing made sense. I couldn’t process any of it.

As I stared at the floor (I’m laying face down), I could feel the man crawling over the top of me. He leaned over and turned me around to face him. By this time the energy was all-consuming and snuffed out any resistance in me. When he leaned down I leaned toward him and kissed him. The energy shot through me with more intensity. The man communicated that he was pleased with my response to him. He looked up at someone and I shifted to see who it was. It was his wife smiling her consent. Part of me recoiled at this but I ignored the feeling, choosing instead to explore what this man was offering.

He looked at me again and said, “Do you want to clean floors with me?” Confused, I was about to ask what he was talking about when he sent a visual with his response of, “Remember when we…?” I saw us standing at the entrance to a large, open, dark space. We knelt down, face to face, and started buffing the floors with small wash rags. I remembered that we worked together to do this and said, “Oh yeah, at the restaurant.” He smiled and nodded and I agreed to the “date”. He said, “Good. I’ll come get you tonight at 8.” 

Considerations

I woke up, the pleasurable energy still very strong in my mid-section. It has been so long! The energy lingered for some time after while I wondered about the dream. 

The basement is symbolic of something unknown, dark and mysterious; a place “underground”, subconscious. It is an inheritance which means it could be genetic or at the very least part of my history (this life and others). The first bathroom is a place of healing where I focus on the shower. I make adjustments and move on. The cat represents the Divine Feminine. I try to send it upstairs which indicates I want to be more conscious of this aspect of myself. 

The leaky, dark bathroom is a space that is in need of attention (healing). It belongs to the curator who is likely an aspect of me. I recognize the space as mine, though. I let light in to see better. The leaks are golden in color. Symbolically this means I am being shown something hidden about myself. The feeling I get from this aspect of me is that she is someone I am afraid of in the sense that she feels powerful and “above” me. 

The Kundalini part was very surprising both in the dream and after. There was no warning or indication that this dream would involve the K energy. The symbolism of it is clear, though – cleaning floors is symbolic of clearing away lingering past issues that are affecting my foundation in this life. The thing is, what I recall of the floors is they were dirty and our wiping motions were more to buff and shine the clean floors. So perhaps a final preparation? That would be nice!

A restaurant is a place of nourishment, spiritual nourishment specifically, but nourishment overall. 

I do hope the man in my dream doesn’t stand me up for our date tonight! LOL 

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Intuitive Health Warning

Sickness has been prevalent in my household and my extended families’ households since mid-December. Based upon what I have heard from friends, acquaintances and the media, this is happening all over. The media says it is Omicron, but other viruses are involved also. The “fluvid”, a mixture of Covid and the flu, a regular chest/head cold virus and the intestinal flu are going around.

In my family specifically we were all hit with a cold-like illness around Christmas. My husband and middle son got the worst of it, with my son spiking a 102 degree temp with a sore throat and headache. Both later developed coughing with mucus that lasted about a week. My other son and daughter did not get it and I only developed the coughing part which lasted about a week. For me, the coughing was just annoying (only in the morning and at night) but my husband and son were both miserable. My other son only got a mild cough and runny nose but never once complained and it didn’t slow him down one bit.

Then both my BIL’s families caught the same illness. Since they were tested for Covid (negative) we didn’t bother to test.

When we returned to work, I discovered a coworker had Covid over the break. She told me she wanted to die when she had it, saying, “It felt like I was being stabbed with knives all over.” She took the hydroxy stuff everyone raves about and in three days felt much better, though she was extremely weak and had to have her son’s help.

That same week my step-father got sick, also, but did not get tested because his symptoms were so mild. He had the same cold symptoms as everyone in the family had over Christmas break.

Then this week my middle son (poor baby) came down with the intestinal bug and had that for 24 hours and two days ago my MIL tested positive for Covid as did my BIL and SIL. My BIL and SIL have no symptoms but they also just had the cold that spread through our families (and tested negative for Covid then). My MIL is struggling but okay, her symptoms similar to the cold we all had but a bit more severe.

When I heard my MIL had Covid and so did my BIL and SIL, I immediately wondered about the accuracy of the test. I’ve heard the test is not very accurate and since my BIL and SIL’s family just had what my family had (the bad cold), I can’t help but wonder if it was Omicron all along but the test failed to detect it until after. I’ll never know but it does seem feasible especially since, in my family, my daughter didn’t get the cold at all and I got a very, very mild version of it. We are the only ones vaccinated in our family (except my mom who, BTW, also did not catch the ‘cold’, while her partially vaccinated husband got a mild version).

An Intuitive Health Warning

Prior to and during all this sickness, I’ve been feeling/sensing a need to slow down and listen to my body. The warning has increased in the last couple of weeks and I’m beginning to pay more attention as I notice how tired I am in general and how my body responds to my routine.

My guidance has posed some questions for my consideration. Do I really want to put so much effort into my diet and exercise? How does the exercise I have been doing make me feel? Do I want to feel that way? What could I do that I would enjoy instead?

This consideration comes with a sense that I need to pay attention and follow my intuition rather than ignore it. It isn’t a feeling of “oh no!” like I have gotten in the past, but more of a persistent nudge. 

For the first question: Do I really want to put so much effort into my diet and exercise? My answer is: Not really. I mostly exercise out of habit and boredom. I also exercise because I feel that if I don’t that I will become less healthy, less physically attractive and have less control over my body. I try and eat healthy and avoid eating certain things or indulging. I use to track everything I ate but noticed it was becoming a bit obsessive and not making me feel good so stopped doing it.

I realized recently that my diet and exercise habits stem from a deep sense of worthlessness and need to prove myself. This is in line with my completely open heart center in HD. An open heart center also causes me to tend to agree to and try to stick to plans/activities/etc. but not really have the energy or ability to do so. I have not experienced this as much as the need to prove myself, but only because I have learned to say no more often than yes. In the past, I would say yes, feel pressured to stick to what I agreed to and then have negative experiences.

My diet and exercise habits also come from an open root center that can cause me to feel a constant pressure to do, do, do. I become almost frantic if I do not follow a schedule or routine. This is not just in terms of diet and exercise but in other areas of my life as well. In HD this pressure is from an open root center. It says, “I’m in a hurry to get things done”. It causes me to rush about, trying to get rid of the pressure but nothing I do will get rid of it. I have to learn to live with the pressure. 

As for the second question: How does the exercise I have been doing make me feel? Well, lately not so good. I don’t want to finish or just don’t feel like it. I would rather go for a walk while listening to relaxing music, do deep stretching, do short bursts of cardio, or just do nothing at all. I have already started to shift away from weight training, decreasing the number of days I work out and taking more time to stretch and relax. This week I feel like doing no weight bearing exercise at all. I went for a run on Monday and enjoyed it but should’ve run less and walked more. I’ve since chosen to take long walks and do limited bodyweight exercises.

Lately I am more tired than usual, sleeping deeper and wanting to stay in bed longer. This could be a sign that my body needs more rest. I should listen to my body rather than push it so frequently. It can lead to illness and burnout, which my 2nd line body is prone to anyway.

The final couple of questions: Do I want to feel that way (the way my routine makes me feel)? What could I do that I would enjoy instead? Sometimes I get an exercise high and I love that feeling. Lately, I’ve not been getting that high much. I tire more quickly, feel exhausted or anxious and get low blood sugar more than I like. What other things could I do that I would enjoy? The other night singing came to mind, so maybe I could try singing a bit more. Sleep is always one of my favorite things to do! So that is definitely on the list. 

I feel like I should look back on my youth and what I enjoyed back then. 

If I go to my youngest years, exploring nature, being outside, swimming, fishing, and drawing were what I did the most. In my teen years I enjoyed reading, taking care of the chickens and other birds we had on our property, gardening, singing, baking (and eating it lol), and sleeping (the best sleep ever in my teens!). Most of what I enjoyed back then were solitary activities and I am still like that today. I still enjoy gardening, singing, cooking/baking, nature and animals. It wasn’t until my late 20’s that spirituality came into my life and was added as my favorite past time. 

In my teens I was “chunky” and didn’t eat very healthy. I use to eat whatever I wanted. If it tasted good, I ate it. I weighed on average about 10-15lbs more than I do now because of it. It wasn’t until I got married that I changed after seeing a picture of myself that showed how fat and unhealthy I was. This shifted me into some extremely very unhealthy habits that included binging and purging and exercising too much. I don’t want to shift to that extreme again but I also don’t want to become that overweight, sluggish, unhealthy me either. I need to find a good balance where I keep moving and eating healthy without over or under restricting, and give myself plenty of rest and breaks. Honestly, I would love to not care like I did as a kid. 

This past weekend my family took the RV to a lake I often frequented in my youth. It was beautiful but a bit cold outside. I tried fishing but had no luck. I also went for a walk with my daughter and then with my son. When walking with my daughter I found a couple of cork bobbers and a fishing lure along with a bottle of lighter fluid. I found two fossilized seashells when walking with my son. He found one right after I did and was super excited about it. He said, “This is why I love going for walks! I always find something cool.” He is a 2/4 Pure Generator so it is no wonder he loves being outside and exploring. It’s a hermit thing. 😉

It is times like the above the I really enjoy these days. Spending time in nature with my kids, either all together or one-on-one, can be a wonderful thing. I love that I have two, 2/4 Generating sons that really appreciate the outdoors, nature, wildlife and all that is has to offer. They don’t feel the need to constantly talk or over-think things. We can walk happily together in silence.

So, I guess I am going to slow down when it comes to exercise, replacing it will more enjoyable, peaceful moments in nature and with my children. We will see what comes of this change. It could open new doors by just allowing me to see something I didn’t notice was there before. And considering all the sickness around me, these changes will ensure my immune system remains strong.