Category Archives: Healing

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Dream: Losing My Heart

My dreams were upsetting last night. The same male guide was present but no more Kundalini. Instead, it appeared I was being counseled/assisted – more healing work.

Dream: Waiting My Turn

In this dream I was outside in a garden with others. I remember we were all gathered to receive the introduction and instructions. We were awaiting our turns to have readings. I don’t recall ever receiving mine, but I remember interacting with others in the group and the garden. The garden had concrete benches, fountains, birdbaths, and statues in it. It appeared to be in someone’s back yard because there was a boundary of hedges surrounding it. There were stone paths winding through it, also, and the feeling was peaceful but anticipatory. 

I remember meeting some people but the interactions are lost to me. Again, there was a man and a woman. One man in particular came up to me and told me, “I called you, you know.” I said, “You did? Oh. Well, I probably didn’t answer because I don’t answer calls from numbers I don’t know. You should have told me you were calling so I would’ve answered.” I didn’t recognize the man. He was slender, tall, dark haired and wore glasses. Somehow we discussed our ages and I learned he was 39. I remember telling him how I enjoyed being 39, that it was a good year. I briefly became caught up in the memory of it, which was nice. I felt loved, excited about life and optimistic about the future possibilities.

I remember my turn for a reading was coming up next and seeing the entrance to the space through the garden. It was a small door surrounded by greenery. There is memory of feeling like the reading would discuss certain issues I’ve had in my life. I don’t remember feeling excited about it because I had this sense that I would be told my future was not a good one.

Dream: Losing my Heart 

Perhaps this was part of my reading? 

I saw myself running a race with a man who was familiar. I believe it was my heart connection but he was always in front of me and I was trying to catch up to him. The race consisted of short laps back and forth within a gym-sized space. I remember running very fast and suddenly feeling my heart rate was too high. There was not much of the race left to run, only 30 seconds more, but my heart couldn’t tolerate it. I decided to quit the race, telling someone nearby I needed to stop before I passed out. 

I remember discussing my decision with a man. He was asking me why I stopped when the finish line was only 30 seconds away. I told him I just couldn’t run any longer. Yet his questions left me wondering if perhaps I could have run that last 30 seconds. Maybe I overreacted? Maybe I gave up too soon? 

Then I saw myself sitting on a bus beside my heart connection. Oh the feeling! We were very much in love and I remember him laying his head on my shoulder and reaching out to me over all others when he needed something. It was clear to me that he “chose me” and I chose him in return. I don’t recall anyone else on the bus with us, just row upon row of seating beyond what the eye could see. It was like time stood still in this part of the dream and I lingered in the feeling of being with him. 

Something happened, though, and he suddenly left me sitting alone on the bus. It felt like he was distracted or pulled elsewhere; like he chose someone or something over me. I was left with this awful sinking feeling and horrible aching inside. No matter what I tried, the feeling persisted and I began to despair, sinking deeper into a dark abyss of heartache and loneliness. I have never felt so alone in my life! 

In the dream I began to sob mournful sobs that shook my entire body. A weakness spread from my chest into my legs until my entire body felt like it would shatter into a million pieces. The grief was intolerable but the loneliness, the empty nothingness, was the worst. I’ve never felt so alone in my life!

The last thing I remember is a flash of a high school letter jacket or something like it. I think it was all he left behind.

Thawing Out

When I woke I was talking to my guide, tears in my eyes. Thankfully, the feeling of loss was fading quickly. What I did still feel was the love. I’ve never loved anyone so much! I realized my love for him has never faded. It is infinite, beyond time and space. No amount of pushing it away, pretending it never existed or numbing myself will erase a love like that. 

There was full memory of the discussion behind the scenes of my dream. It was clear to me that the “memorial” from a previous dream was a memorial to my heart connection and our love. I knew in the dream I’d created it but I didn’t know who it was for. And I realized what the “freeze” was, the freeze that almost killed the bushes planted around the plaque. “The freeze” was a period where emotions and even life was “frozen”; put on hold. The fact that green shoots were coming out of the bushes is a positive sign. New life is emerging.

Recognizing all this was of no help. I could still feel that infinite love and the thought of continuing on in this life separated from that love, carrying an indescribable emptiness within, is unbearable. I begged again to be allowed to return Home because I know once I’m Home the burden I’m carrying will be lifted. I told my guidance, “I lost my heart when he left.” And it does feel that way, like there is a space in my chest where my heart use to be. 

My guidance indicates possibilities still exists. I am unable to conceive of any such future. It has been five years, though, and the message is I am “thawing out”. What this means, I can’t say, but I suspect that there will be an opportunity to try again, to do what I couldn’t bring myself to do in the past. What all that entails, I can only guess. The memory of that time is mostly confusion, filled with not-Knowing, indecision and doubt. There was too much pain and emotion swirling around and I lost my anchor. It felt like I was caught up in a whirlpool; directionless and unable to determine what was up and what was down. I cannot go through that again, not without a firm anchor in place. But what is that anchor? A person? A path? A purpose? All of the above? 

I feel depleted this morning so I know work was done in dreamtime. I have asked to remember more of what occurs behind-the-scenes. I was told it would be provided. I long to Remember again, even if it means I may have to confront things I would rather not. 

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Dream Healing Experience

Sleep didn’t come as easily last night. As soon as I got into bed I felt a strong energy from out in front of me and slightly to my left. Initially, when I sensed it, the energy felt urgent and I felt like jumping out of bed and acting on that urgency. This is when I questioned the energy and heard back, “We are here to help you” and sensed a very large group of Beings – the Council of 12 is what I have called them in the past. Though I felt tired and my eyes were heavy, when I attempted sleep I tossed and turned until just before midnight.

Dream Healing Experience

I found myself inside an apartment with a young, blonde man. I was questioning why I was there. He seemed nice enough and resembled someone I met back in 2015. I remember feeling extremely drowsy. 

I sat down on the floor and propped myself up against a sofa. The young man plopped down next to me. As we talked, his energy was very calming and surrounded me in a kind of cocoon of energy. The energy was beautiful and caused my drowsiness to intensify. I discovered that I was this man’s roommate and the attention he paid me caused me to worry he might be interested in a relationship with me. He stayed very close, touching me at all times with some part of himself. His energy said, “It’s okay. You’re safe and loved. Talk to me”. I remember thinking, “He’s like me” and being relieved but my eyes were so heavy and all I wanted to do was rest for a bit. I told him this but he continued to hover. I closed my eyes, enjoying his energy, and he began to shower me with kisses all over my face. I told him I just wanted to lay there with him and asked him if he could hold me. He appeared to do this and for a brief period I surrendered to the amazing comfort and safety of his arms.

Then, suddenly, a strange woman wearing a long dress was standing in the doorway to the apartment. She had long, wavy, dark hair and a serious look on her face. The young man jumped up in a hurry and told me he had to go to work. He was wearing khaki pants and a matching shirt as he left through the front door. The door was odd, though. It was not solid and seemed to be made of a thick mat of beads or a similar material. I stood as he closed the door. It didn’t shut completely and he returned to push it into place. 

Seeing it was morning and I was all alone in a new place, I began to investigate my new home. As I looked around I was thinking of my situation. I knew I had lost my job. In my mind I was mulling over all my previous jobs and remember feeling as if someone suggested a previous employer as an option. There was no concern or worry about my situation. I seemed to just accept it.

I sat down at the kitchen table and was surprised by an young Asian woman. She was drinking a soda (happy, upbeat attitude) and I noticed I had one, too. I asked her name and she gave me a name that didn’t make sense, so I asked her what her family called her. She told me she couldn’t tell me. In talking with her, I soon learned the apartment was much larger than it seemed and at least eight others lived in it. These others began coming into the kitchen at this time but I only recall four or five of them, some male, some female. The Asian woman asked me if I was going to drink my soda. When I said I wasn’t, she asked if she could have it and when I agreed she took it eagerly.

I took a closer look at the kitchen. I had this empty feeling and I felt like I needed to fill it with something, food maybe. There were groceries all over the countertops but it was mostly loaves of bread (basic needs in life). I briefly mentioned they must like bread as I thought that I would certainly have to go shopping for more foods items because bread alone wouldn’t suffice. Then I asked if they had a coffee maker. The Asian woman said they did. I asked if anyone drank coffee (seeking more awareness), she said she would but only with a certain kind of creamer. I took note of this as an item to add to my shopping list. 

Throughout all this I was conversing with them about my situation. I mentioned that I was paid $250/week and this information seemed off. I didn’t become lucid in the dream, though. All at once I realized that I had lost everything – my job, my house, my family, my identity even. My reaction to this was shock and an expansion of the empty feeling I had previously. There was a brief panic at not knowing what to do.

The next thing I know, I am standing outside the door to the apartment. I don’t know how I got there but it felt like I’d been kicked out. Feeling abandoned and alone, I began to wander the streets aimlessly.

I came to a busy area where people were walking about or sitting at tables. I saw some guys attempting to bully a young, nerdy guy into handing over his valuables. I walked up to them and slipped my hand into his pocket and retrieved a wad of money. The bullies had in their hand a folder and were looking through it. One mentioned how good I was as a pickpocket. The other, holding the folder, pulled out some sheet music and then put it back inside. I turned to the nerd who was standing there in shock. I asked his name and he gave me a name that started with a “V”. Somehow I knew he was a musician. I felt bad for him and ashamed at myself for taking his money but I needed the money. I had to eat.

As I walked away, I turned to see the crowded space of people of all ages and races. I noticed something was off and went to investigate. I found a young black mother and her daughter, both dead, sitting at one of the tables. The daughter had her throat cut from her neck all the way down to the middle of her chest. I look around and saw no one there even noticed. They were all too busy. I went up to the dead mother and daughter. I placed their bodies next to one another on the floor, wrapping the daughter in her mother’s arms. Then I pulled a blanket up and around them, covering them completely. 

In this moment I am transported back to the apartment. All of the roommates are there hovering around me as I stand at the entrance. It is similar to another dream I had recently. I feel like a child, very naïve. For some reason I excitedly announced that I learned one could find food by looking for the trucks “with the light”. 

Sudden realization hit me. I thought, “I’m acting like a child.” And as soon as the thought hit me, I burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. 

What I recall of this moment is my thoughts and the feeling from the group that surrounded me. My main thought was the world is a horrible place full of self-serving individuals. I am reminded of the dead mother and daughter and how no one even noticed or tried to help, caught up in their own life dramas. I thought of how those bullies took advantage of the nerd. Again, self-serving behavior. I was both horrified and shocked by what I experienced. The feeing was there was no hope for this planet or the people on it.

I remember pausing for a moment. My tears stopped and I looked at the people standing around me. When I felt their energy and support, I burst into tears again.

The feeling from those who surrounded me is unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I felt wrapped in a bubble or cocoon of energy. I remember thinking, “They are like me”, and recognizing they were somehow directing or manipulating the energy, my energy. I thought they must be reflecting my own energy back at me or something, but this didn’t seem right. The feeling of being in the cocoon was the most wonderful, safe, feeling I’ve ever had. I could be completely open and vulnerable. I could be myself without worry of judgement or expectation. I realized that being this way is all I’ve ever wanted but because I sense how people truly are, I’ve never met anyone I can be 100% myself with. It was such a relief to finally let go. 

As I began to wake up from the dream, I could hear soft music accompanying my tears.

After Waking

When I woke I was sobbing, the kind of sobbing where I can’t breathe. Even when I stopped, the tears would seep out unexpectedly. I realized how trapped I feel in this world. Abandoned. Alone.

I remember that during the dream someone was talking to me about certain people in my life, people I would rather not be around and so avoid. When asked if I would reconsider, I felt into their energy and could not tolerate it. My reply was, “No”. Then I said, “I’m with the wrong people (in my life)”. The people I should be around should make me feel like the roommates in my dream. 

As I lay in the in-between I remember catching pieces of a conversation. What is funny is that whenever I tried to focus on what was being said, it would instantly be lost to me. I was told it was purposeful, and I understood. The feeling of it was enough. I remember Knowing that difficult times were ahead, similar to the situation I found myself in during the dream. A feeling of all being lost. The dream served as a warning of this but also a message that I would find my people, people who “are like me”. What that means, I don’t know exactly. In the dream I remember thinking they must be Projectors or Reflectors (HD) because of how their energy felt. I didn’t feel like my own energy was being sucked dry; depleted. It was such a relief.

I questioned my guidance regarding the music that was playing. It was was like a scene from a movie and I knew I should find some humor in it, but I didn’t. Soon enough, though, another song came to mind: “Well you look like yourself but you’re somebody else only it ain’t on the surface. Well you talk like yourself but I hear someone else and now you’re making me nervous.” I understood my guidance was letting me know their concern.

This is the whole song:

I wrote the above portion of this post early this morning and came back to it now (mid-day) because the feeling from my dream returned briefly and brought on more tears. It feels like whatever is going on isn’t over. There is a sense of something big, or an “uh-oh” type feeling of anticipation.

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Kundalini Dream: Refrigerated Lockbox

Prior to bed last night, a familiar guide energy came to me. The same energy that has been front and center since around the 20th of January. He asked me, “Can I come in?” At first I was like, “No”, but I already felt the warm, tingly energy building in the center of my back and spreading outward as if hugging me from behind. Recognizing the energy was not threatening, I surrendered to it and said, “Okay.” The energy spread all over and I sank into the bliss of it. So wonderful!

Kundalini Dream: Refrigerated Lockbox

I only remember parts of this dream. There was a house located in the country, quite a distance away from other houses and people, down a long, dirt road. I remember talking to a man who reminded me of someone I knew from high school – my best friend’s older brother. He use to have a massive crush on me but he was quite strange and just not really my type. 

What I recall most is that the man went to this house, knocking on the door. I let him in. 

The house resembled something out of a scary movie. To look at it you would think it must be haunted. It was made of whitewashed wood, had a covered porch, and shutters on the windows. The moonlight illuminated it in such a way that all you would need is some spooky music and you would be worried to go inside. It wasn’t my house or his. It felt like a friend’s house maybe? Hard to say but it was okay for us to be there. I also recall feeling like children frequented the house. 

Inside the house looked normal. Nothing scary but it was still quite dark. The scene mostly centered around what would be for dinner that night. The man opened up the freezer, which looked like a plain, white, square box around the size of a mini-fridge. Inside was a locked, wire box that contained various sweets, mostly ice cream. The man wanted me to let him in to get out some ice cream. Apparently, only I could open the box. I was hesitant. I remember suggesting he make some green beans instead and went looking for a can and a pot to cook them in. I do recall opening the lockbox, though, and sifting through the ice cream bars with him. 

The next thing I remember is seeing the man sitting on a school bus. There were no others on the bus, just him staring at me from near the back of the bus. He looked so young and bright, as if a light were illuminating him from within. His brown hair fell around his face in ringlets, falling just below his jawline, his face was very pale making his dark eyes and eyebrows that much more distinct. I remember saying, “You look so young but I know you are very, very old.” 

For some reason, I remember seeing a vivid image of jar with a lid. The green beans maybe? IDK. I never saw what was inside. In fact, it looked like an empty, glass jar with a metal lid. The lid began to turn slowly, opening.

Then the scene shifted. I have no idea how I got from the house to the bus and from the bus to this new scene. It is like there is a black void in my memory, like I “flash” from one scene to the next.

I was in my bedroom. A man was standing in my doorway. I thought of him as my husband, but he did not look like my husband, but then I never saw his face. He was massive and very tall, towering above me so that when I looked at him my eyes were at his collarbone. I asked him about the situation that led him to me. I don’t remember my exact words but I knew he had been in bed with “my mom” and that it had become too difficult for him to stay in bed with her. She had gotten “too fat” and there wasn’t enough room for him. I remember seeing a visual of a twin-sized bed in a dark room, This man was on the very edge of the bed because “my mom” was sprawled out to the point that he had mere inches of bed space.

The man comes toward me, intent on getting into bed with me. I focus on his feet. He has on large, steel-toed, work boots. I still think of him as my “husband” and am happy that he has come to my bed. 

As he gets closer I begin to anticipate what is coming next. I say, “Sssh! We don’t want to wake her up!” 

The man is naked. What is odd, though, is that his genitals are on his backside, facing away from me and located just above his butt crack. They are upside down, his testicles facing up. He also has no pubic hair and so his “package” resembled an oversized dildo. 

I begin to pull down my pants and underwear but do not take them off. Instead, I pull them down to my shoes. I am also wearing boots. As he climbs into bed I feel a pulling deep within and realize I have not felt that sensation in ages.

The next thing I remember is feeling a pressure up against my pubic bone. In the dream I see a foot pressed up against it. At the same time I feel a long, narrow object pushed into my mouth and down my throat. I, of course, think it is the man’s penis and though it is awkward, I don’t resist it. It goes down my throat to the point that it would normally gag me, but it didn’t. I can feel an energy expanding in my root chakra. At the same time, an energy is forming in my throat.

The energy in my root chakras grows very large and I begin to anticipate the rising of the Kundalini. Sadly, this causes my lucidity to peak and I wake up. 

Conversation

I lay in bed feeling the expansive energy of my root chakra. It just sits there and is wide enough that I feel the edges of it to the middle of my thighs and my entire pubic region to include my spine is engulfed in energy. 

I try to relax and let the energy move up, but it doesn’t get very far. The guide’s energy is with me. I feel him in front of me and I know he is working on my energy body. 

The dream comes to mind and I realize that the symbolism of it is hiding the truth. I Know I gave this guide permission – invited him in. The house seems to be a hidden aspect, something shared by others. The lockbox in the dream that contained the ice cream is representative of that which I have locked others out of. I open it for him in the dream and afterward I see this guide on the bus (important life journey) and know he is much older than he appears. Then again, I see an opening, but this time it is a glass jar (feeling sealed up in life or stuck). The green beans symbolize good relations with others; friendship.

After that we are both in my private space and he has left the bed of my “mom”, who has become so “fat” that it forces him out. The feeling I get is that “mom” is a kind of authority figure and she has “rules” and sets boundaries. My guess is that her being “fat” indicates a kind of complacency in this aspect of me. She is set in her ways and has grown fat and lazy. She doesn’t want to do the “work” needed. The boots we are both wearing indicates that we are doing that “work”, though, and attempting not to “wake” my other aspect. 

The man’s genitals are on his backside and they look unrealistic. My guess is I am seeing some kind of tool being used and they are not genitalia at all. The pressure I feel subsequently is a result of the healing work being done on me by him and maybe Others. It is familiar. I have had many similar dreams in the past where I feel something going down my throat as something is pushed up into my root. Nothing went “up” into my root this time, though. There was just pressure.

I ask this guide who he is. I say, “Are you one of Them?” He replies, “Yes. We are The Many.” I accept this answer because I have been in communication with The Many in the past. They also go by many other names – The Protectors, Elohim, Anunnaki, The Watchers – to name a few. 

There is a conversation here but mostly without words. I have Knowing, mostly. It is just there, instantly. 

I recognize his energy. It has been with me, mostly observing, for a couple of years at least. I remember wondering if he is connected to someone I know, who I recently disconnected from. He replies, “No.” Then he says about that connection, “You know better.” I realize then that he was the guide who met me in an OBE a while ago (2018) and cautioned me about protecting my energy. I told him, “I didn’t know” in response to what happened. It felt like I was extremely vulnerable at the time I met this man and that my interactions with him interrupted something, a process, I was going through. I knew I was picking up where I left off, only maybe a step backward because previous work had to be repeated. 

This guide explains that the reason for his direct approach is because “the only way out is through.” No point in going around the issue/block. He was referring to my past connection who attempted to bypass the block, something this guide said arises from “inexperience.” Straight through with consistent “pressure” was how this guide described the correct approach. I was shown a visual of my energy body and I understood why there was a “probe” of energy inserted via my throat. It creates a kind of current, or suction, that encourages stagnant energy to move. 

As I lingered in the in-between, I could feel warm energy swirling in my root and second chakras. It created a physical ache right below my belly button that subsided after about an hour.

Later, I ask this guide for his name. Before I finish my question, I hear, “Peter.” I accept this and then laugh because I realize it is a joke as memory of the way I see him in the dream comes to mind (penis = Peter). He doesn’t laugh, but I see the connection and humor in it.

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Exit 2020, Enter 2021

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Wishing you all a blessed New Year.

The featured image of this post reminds me of one of the darkest times in my life. The best description would be that I was in the midst of a Dark Night of the Soul. I wanted to give up. My guides seemingly went quiet except for one time. I wanted them to tell me what to do. I could see nothing ahead of me. All was black and depressing. There was no way out, I thought. My guide whispered, “Just put one foot in front of the other.”

Later, after following this advice, I was able to break through the darkness.

For those of you who have struggled in 2020, I wish I could say 2021 will provide the light you are seeking, but I can’t. All I can advise is what my guide once advised me. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually, you will see the light again.

What will you be doing during the last week of 2020?

Trip to Montana

My family and I are about to embark on an adventure. For my children, it will be a week of many firsts. Their first time on a plane. Their first memories of snow. Their first time skiing. Their first view of the magnificent Rocky Mountains (The Bridger Mountains to be specific). Their first time visiting Montana. And probably many other firsts besides these.

For me, I will spend this last week visiting my past, or what I like to call, “My first life”. I haven’t been to Montana in winter since 1999/2000. I haven’t been to my old college stomping grounds since then either. My research revealed that a lot has changed in the town of Bozeman in the 20 years since I graduated with my Bachelor’s degree (yes, exactly 20 years!). It isn’t so tiny anymore, that’s for sure! Yet still, it would be consider tiny to most. I don’t know yet what lies ahead. Healing? Release? Expansion? Gratitude? Joy? Maybe all of the above and more – I hope.

My memories of my time there are wrought with anxiety. The snowy, ice packed, winter roads caused me much distress. As a Texan I was just not prepared for winter driving and even after four years of practice I often drove gripping the steering wheel, fighting mental images of getting stuck in a ditch without any way of contacting help. To give you an idea of just how anxious driving made me, I turned down a good job because I couldn’t confront the idea of the long commute during the winter months.

Other memories consist of my time with my ex and his family, regrets at how I treated them and how I let my anxiety and need for control destroy the very relationships that supported me during this time in my life. The entire time, I was surrounded by nature’s beauty, an awe-inspiring, breathtaking array of Mountains, foothills and wildlife. Yet I very rarely took the time to really appreciate it. The times I did allow myself to breathe in the beauty and magnificence of the place I lived are some of my most precious memories of my time there.

One memory I have that has now become my favorite was on a hunting trip to the outskirts of Yellowstone. My ex was always hunting and had the goal of killing a six point elk. He succeeded on this trip but we got caught in the mountains in the dark and were forced to spend the night. We had no tents, no supplies for camping – nothing. I remember laying in the sage on the mountainside trying to sleep but being blown away by the night sky in all its glory. The air, the smells, the sensations, all remain vivid in my memory. It was spectacular! I can STILL feel all of it as if it was yesterday.

Those are the memories I want to keep. The others, well, they are lessons learned and I hope to share the good parts with my husband and children this week. I want them to see what I often did not, to know the world is glorious and full of wonder if only we would take the time to really SEE and appreciate it.

I will certainly share photos upon our return as well as any lessons and healing experiences I may have.

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Dreams, Conversations and short OBE

Last night was full of wonderful healing energy and a great many interesting conversations and dreams. It began with some powerful surges of Kundalini. They were brief, though, and didn’t keep me from falling asleep.

Dream: Drowning Girl

I had this dream two nights ago but feel it is appropriate to share now.

I was in a boat (unexplored emotions and feelings) with a mother (aspect of self) and her daughter (inner child). The daughter had no legs (feeling helpless). She was just an upper body and midsection. The boat was moving at super high speeds like a speed boat. The mother was holding onto her daughter in an attempt to keep her from going overboard. 

We traveled at high speeds for a while but then the mother lost her grip on her daughter. The girl fell into the dark water and the boat stopped a short distance after, docking near a pier located near some homes. Me and the mother got out of the boat and the mother despaired, wailing for someone to rescue her daughter. I felt unable to help and also called for others to assist, but no one came. I remember worrying the girl couldn’t swim because she had no legs. She surely would sink straight to the bottom.

I looked down at the water’s surface to see if I could see her and saw bubbles rising to the surface. I yelled to the mother, “Look! Bubbles! She’s there!” The mother jumped in and was under water for a while. When she finally surfaced she had her daughter in her arms but she was unresponsive. The mother blew in her face like a mother’s does to get a baby to take a breath, and it worked! Eventually the girl revived and was okay. We were all so relieved. I began to sob and woke up in tears.

Interpretation

It feels like this dream is about my inner child and my desire to save her from a situation that feels out of control. Her lack of legs indicates she is unable to move or progress on her own. She may feel stuck. It seems the dream message is that surrender must occur before progress can be made. My emotion felt displaced and it confused me. I have no idea why I cried so much. Relief maybe?

Dream: Failing Grades

I was back in high school and my teachers were telling me that I was failing their classes. Specifically it felt like I was failing Algebra and there was a question about an English paper that was due. There was discussion about the classes I was passing, too. History was one of them and I commented that it made sense being I was a history teacher. I remember looking at my grade in Algebra (logic). It was a 55 and I knew that I would not pass no matter how hard I worked because I didn’t have time to make up all the missed assignments. 

Eventually I decided that it was pointless to try so hard to pass because I had already graduated a long, long time ago. I remember talking to another woman in my same position and telling her, “I have a Master’s in School Counseling. I was just going to school because it was fun. No one even noticed my age.” I was very proud that I could pass so easily as much younger than I really am. 

The administration in the front office was very irritated with me and had called in someone higher up as well as the police when they discovered I was not who I pretended to be. This is when I decided to just leave with the woman. I said, “What are they going to do? They have my old address, my old information from when I attended in my teens. They can’t find me. There is nothing they can do.”

We went outside and flew along a road to a circular, dirt drive near an old, wooden home. It felt like my new address for some reason but it turned out I had just parked my car there. Rather than go to my car, a guy took us to this van and out of it came two Mexican men with pizzas they said we ordered. I was asked to pay and I remember using a fake card number and signing my husband’s name. lol 

The dream fades out here but I remember traveling.

Considerations

I feel this is a positive dream. It reminds me of a very recent dream where I was still in high school but telling everyone I was much older and had already graduated. In that dream I had been told, “It’s time to go now” and the message was that it was not helping me to repeat the same lesson over and over again, a lesson that the younger version of me mastered a while ago. So last night’s dream seems to be a continuation of that theme except that I decide to leave. My attitude is “screw the consequences”. I realized I was able to fool everyone into thinking I was someone I am not and so they would not be able to find the real me.

So it seems I am done pretending to be this other version of me. I am done learning lessons that I have already learned and repeating the same classes over and over again. 

Discussion and Short OBE

I recall having numerous discussions while in the in-between. Much of it was about the Kundalini, which has been more active than usual. It was explained to me that when it rose this next time to be ready for a major clearing to occur. It felt like a warning but at the same time I was not concerned. I remember worrying I would have major panic but felt it would not be an issue this time around.

In one very vivid memory, I was conversing with three individuals dressed in white. It reminded me of the environment from the movie The Island and there is probably some symbolism to be had in that, too. A woman and I were discussing my current issues with my marriage. She began to tell me about her own situation. She explained how she had a strong connection with a man and so left her husband immediately because there was no comparison. As she explained the amazing connection she had with the new man, I saw him standing behind her. He had a big, puffy, blonde beard. Next to him I saw her husband who also had a beard, only it was red. The husband went up to the other man who was about a foot taller than him. He then kissed the man passionately and they kissed for a while. The woman said to me, “Look what I have to deal with.” LOL

After this interesting conversation I put my attention on how I was feeling. I knew I was OOB but I was floating just over the top of my sleeping body. The energy was so wonderful and I played with it, spinning around and willing myself to expand and contract. Eventually, though, I decided I would just exit my body and see what I could find or explore.

The first attempt didn’t last. I had trouble disconnecting and felt too heavy so I immediately just let myself fall back into the amazing energy. I almost fell asleep but then decided to try exiting again. This time I was successful and flew out of my bedroom. I could still feel the heavy energy. It was not lifting even as I flew up into the air. I opened my eyes as I jumped/flew down the stairs. I could see my dog at the bottom looking up at me. The entire house was golden in color and very bright. As I flew down I could feel the sensation that comes with falling, as if my stomach jumped into my throat. It was a thrill and I was joyous as I reached the bottom but within seconds I could feel that feeling as if someone says, “NO” and I was sucked back to my body.
I didn’t feel myself transition, though. Instead I floated there in the brilliant energy again. This time, talking to the woman who I had been talking to before, I told the woman, “I will stay right here, then.” As I told her this I created a long board and began to apply glue to it. I was showing her that I would glue myself to that spot and stay put. LOL

I lingered in the in-between for a while, soaking up the healing energy. This is how I started my day and I am so grateful for it.

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Kundalini Dream: Old Man

It has been a very long time since the Kundalini has visited me and it seems that other spiritual experiences are few and far between these days, also. However, I suspect this may be soon to change as we near the end of 2020. I hope I am right!

Last night, as I lay in bed doing my nightly breathing meditation (33 breaths with hands held in prayer position), my guidance was close. I was asking if I would ever feel what I have felt in the past – the heart connection and the Kundalini rising in conjunction with the connection with another; Union. I was feeling pessimistic but also there was a part of me that was accepting and Knowing. My guidance reassured me that I should not lose hope and keep on believing. I started to doubt it was my guidance telling me this when I began to feel energy building in my spine just beneath my rib cage. It was in the form of a ball and swirled warmly as it grew in diameter. The more I fell into the bliss of it and tuned into my guidance and Knowing, the more the energy expanded and filled me. It was subtly beautiful, warm and comforting. I usually call it an energy hug or blanket because of how safe and loved it makes me feel. 

I began to wonder about some things as I drifted to sleep. One of the thoughts I had was about Human Design and the undefined root chakra. When the root is undefined it makes a person feel pressure to get things done. They try tirelessly to relieve the pressure only to have another pressure take its place. It makes rush to get things done. It makes them feel frantic because nothing alleviates the pressure. I know the feeling well as I have had it my whole life. Yet now when I feel it I remind myself that I don’t have to hurry and that whatever it is can wait or not be done at all and the pressure disappears. I have somehow managed to allow and flow with the energy of the root. I recall observing my Mom rushing about all her life. She has an undefined root. I have also seen my husband do this (all the time) but I don’t have his chart so I can only speculate. My guess is my sister, who is always late, has a defined root, and my daughter, too, because they tend to procrastinate. 

I also thought of what it might be like when two people merge here in the physical. These were my last thoughts before I drifted into sleep.

Kundalini Dream – Old Man

I woke at around 3am with a half stopped up nose that made my other nostril hurt. I had to stay standing a while to clear the half that was clogged and then managed to fall back to sleep. The last things I was thinking about were my marriage. 

The dream sequence is broken, leaving me unsure of what happened first and last, so I am guessing as to how it proceeded. The most prominent part of the dream is that I was with small a group of people outside. The area was unfamiliar. I could see a plain of tall, dry grass (discomfort and loneliness) and a large river (the flow of life). Yet at other times I swear I was in my Mom’s house a place I spent half of my childhood years. 

At my Mom’s house there was an older man with white hair and a prominent pot belly. He handed me a paper with a job description on it. I read the job description which included a list of foods to be purchased. For some reason I became upset at the prospect of a job that was beneath me and paid so little. I told a person who was there with us that I wasn’t going to take a job that paid so little and was a service-oriented job similar to a maid or live-in housekeeper and cook. I remember saying that I deserved to be paid at least $20/hour, actually more and I was adamant about it. 

Then I was standing outside near the river. A house was nearby but it was old. I could see into it because the beams were exposed with some leaning in and others already fallen. Someone pointed up so I looked and I saw what appeared to be a tiny space craft. Someone said, “Oh look. It’s our drone.” I realized it was a drone (learning through observing) and watched it circle around as if spying on us. 

For some reason I was asked a series of questions about the old man. I don’t remember them all but do recall saying that I liked his energy and felt drawn to him.

Then I was standing right next to him, my left side touching his right, looking into the depths of the dilapidated house. I remember looking over at the old man and being acutely aware of how our energies mingled. Down in the basement (subconscious, unknown) I could see wooden pillars on cement blocks. The space was almost entirely opened up in the back where I could clearly see the river. I remember commenting on the river’s proximity and knowing it was meant to be that way. Someone asked me how I felt about the old man. Would I consider him as a partner? I considered his age and his physical state – he had a large pot belly and probably in his 60’s. I took note of this but his energy was so attractive that I said I wouldn’t mind being with him.

The next thing I recall is sitting at a table. Across from me sat a young man and to his right was the old man. The young man was highly energetic and for some reason he decided to switch seats with the old man so that the old man was sitting directly across from me. 

The dream is blurry here as I seemed to switch scenes going from the table to my old bedroom. In the bedroom scene I was in bed and to my left my daughter sat at a desk typing on a computer. I also remember shifting between my bed and the other areas of my Mom’s house. I recall the old man was visiting the house and that he played music. I also remember he was quite odd and quirky and was about to leave on a trip. My husband was there and chatting with the old man. All I remember is that I watched the old man closely, recognizing his energy and wanting to be close to him. In the bedroom scene my daughter stole my computer’s hard drive and battery so that when I tried to use it the keyboard was missing.

Back in the main part of the house, the old man was preparing to leave. He mentioned something about Kentucky and traveling. I briefly saw a map, one I’ve seen before from a dream where I visited Georgia. I remember my daughter was there and said something about a baby (new life, new beginnings, hope) and the time frame of a week. The old man said it would take more than a week and I heard the date of the 25th which made me think of Christmas.

I don’t remember how but the next thing I recall is the old man standing behind me and I began to gain lucidity. His mere presence sparked the K and it began to rise up in an intoxicating way. The higher it went the more lucid I became until it suddenly stopped mid-way, around my solar plexus. It lingered there, filling me up and expanding. I remember that at some point the man and I embraced and I could feel his large abdomen pressing against me. Eventually I woke up but the energy lingered for a while and I lay there breathless wanting badly to return to sleep so that it could continue to rise. 

Music Message

As I drifted in and out of the in-between a song was going through my head – Coldplay X&Y. The specific part was, “You are me are floating on a tidal wave together…you and me are drifting into outer space.” 

I kept feeling energy in my head, specifically near the crown and third-eye. It was light, not heavy. The energy was inviting, asking me to surrender to it, but I couldn’t get my mind to stop. I wanted to remember the dream experience. I wanted to relish the lingering bliss. I knew that my resistance was keeping me from something. It was as if my guidance wanted to show me more and was beckoning to me. 

The entire time the Coldplay song is still going through my head. Pieces of it repeat – “I know something is broken and I’m trying to fix it, trying to repair it anyway I can….”

I know I fell back to sleep and had more dreams but they are blurry and I think they blended with my dream memory. I believe this is when the split scene of me in bed and then in my Mom’s house occurred but I can’t be certain. There was no memory to my computer in this scene and I was trying to write down my dream account. lol

When I woke I had a thought about the pillars in the basement and the scene where I was sitting across from the old man. These reminded me of a previous Kundalini dream from September this year where I was shown an image of pillars falling in on one another. Perhaps the meaning of the fallen pillars in the basement is an indication that I am in the midst of the chaos depicted in that dream? A chaos that was in fact an organized destruction. All of it leading up to the inner Union of masculine and feminine.

I am hoping that the dream message about the 1 week and the 25th has to do with something up and coming related to the Kundalini. I so miss these Kundalini experiences and would love to have them more often.

Post Image – Missouri River, Montana

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Releasing Guilt and Shame

Slept about 10 hours last night. I needed it! I haven’t been sleeping well for over a month. It was still hard to get out of bed. I wanted to sleep a 1,000 years.

Dreams were many and interesting. I am only going to post the one that I feel is most significant, though.

Dream: Forgotten Friend

In one I remember driving to my Mom’s house. When I arrived at her driveway there was a tall, white, tower (overcoming obstacles) and behind that a church steeple (spiritual nourishment, healing) that was also shimmering white. As I drove in the tower looked to be under construction and was no longer white but almost completely glass (seeing everything, nothing hidden). A crane was there and somehow I knew the windows were being fixed and replaced. I remember thinking how now my mom’s home was very obvious and no longer hidden. The area cleared out where there use to be lots of trees.

Inside my mom had guests. I went into the bedroom and lay down in my old bed which was facing the wall (looking inward) instead of the window like in real life. As I lay down I began to think of an ex-friend and lover. I had dream memories of him being in the back seat of a car I was in alongside other friends. I remember wondering, “How did I not see him there? I should have talked to him, asked him how he was doing. Did he get a job like he wanted?” I realized he had been in the car the whole time and I just ignored him, didn’t care to ask how he was or anything. I had been an awful friend and felt bad because I did care how he was doing. How could I have forgotten him like that? 

I felt extremely sleepy laying there in the bed while thinking of the past. Eventually, though, I got up and went out into the living area where I saw young people and their parents with my mom. She had given them food to eat and said, “Now here is someone you will want to see!” She motioned to me like I should know the people. I assumed they must be distant family I had forgotten I had. I was polite and listened in. She was saying they were going to all go on a picnic (nourishment of body, mind, spirit) together. One girl had in front of her a bowl with a plastic seal on top. My mom asked if she was going to eat it and gave the dish a name. It was Korean or something. I laughed at the name and the girl opened up the top and pulled out some noodles. 

Realization and Healing

As I lingered in bed, still very tired and wanting to sleep, my thoughts were on the dream where I suddenly remembered my ex-lover and friend. I realized that the dream reflected how I treated him in life. I realized that even way back then I struggled with following my heart. My head was very adamant that I get what I wanted at the time, which was the picture perfect family. He just didn’t fit that picture in my mind.  

When we met online I was drawn to his energy as he was to mine. We had great plans on how we could work together, him a hypnotherapist and me a psychic/medium. We would marry so he could move to the US and stay as partners, no strings attached really except that we did have a sexual relationship. That sexual relationship was a mistake and created complications. He fell in love with me but I did not fall in love with him in that way. I loved him, but not in a romantic, life-partner way.  

Unable to take back the sexual part, I tried to force myself to love him like he loved me. This backfired, of course, as my plans for the future did not match what he could offer me – looks or otherwise. He was much older than me, shorter than me, and physically not attractive to me. My expectations soiled our connection completely as I could not avoid his expectations of me. He saw me as a dream come true. A young, attractive, spiritually-minded and gifted partner who could help him immigrate to the US and start his business. 

Like in the dream, I “forgot” about him. I didn’t ask him how he was doing or care about how he fared after I met my current husband. When I met my husband I just cut off communication and moved on with my life. It infuriated him, which it should have. We had plans and I just abandoned them and him. I realized to him I had “cheated” on him, which I see now. That is pretty much true except that for me, he and I were not a couple, or at least that is how I justified my actions. To anyone viewing those events from the outside it would appear I was a horrible person, a cheater and a liar because we were “engaged”. He definitely believed this because just prior to my meeting my husband he had sold off everything he owned in the UK and was planning his flight to the US where he would start his new life with me. When I put an end to our plans he was left with few possessions, a lease that had ended leaving him nowhere to live, and all that he dreamed of destroyed in an instant. 

Ouch. 

I suck. What I did was awful. Period.

I admit that during that time I was almost always confused. I couldn’t understand why I felt so resistant to the whole deal of marriage and helping him. I wanted to help him! Yet when I tried it backfired. The more I tried to help him and go with the expectations he had of us, the more negative I began to feel. I started to see him as “ugly” and couldn’t kiss him without becoming grossed out. Yet I kept trying because I thought if I kept acting like it was what I wanted, it would be. Go through the motions and it will be, right? WRONG.

I also remember that I convinced myself he was “the One” based upon what my guidance had told me, psychics had told me, astrologists had told me. I was told I would marry someone with a foreign name. His was foreign. I was told “4 years” would pass. It had been that long, right? I felt the call to help him, so it must meant I should be with him romantically, right? WRONG.

I did end up marrying someone with a foreign name. And it was almost exactly 4 years after my divorce. And when I saw him, “I knew”. But that someone was not my ex-friend. 

In the dream I felt horrible for what I did to him. It was like I was another person when I acted the way I did. My heart was right. We were friends, soul family. There was love there but it was tainted by my Ego, by what my mind saw as “ideal” because I had been programmed by this world and that programming went against what was happening. 

My ex-friend was not faultless in this, though. He had expectations of his own. He had been told by his psychic friends to be wary of me. One even told him I was “evil” and to avoid me, end it, get away from me. She was right, though I can’t say my intentions were to hurt him. Had they been, then yes, I would have been evil. I actually never meant to hurt him like that. I was so confused. So very confused. 

Not long ago, after pleading with my guidance for help, I was told the reason I wasn’t progressing was because of guilt. Maybe the “guilt” my guidance was telling me about is being revealed to me now, via my dreams? I did ask for help. I do feel horrible. I remember thinking to myself this morning after the dream, “I don’t deserve happiness.” 

How does one who has done what I have done allow themselves to move on, to be happy? How does one forgive themselves? Maybe that is what I have to do?

It is interesting to me that guilt is held in the sacral chakra. So I Googled it and found this article. 

“Our Sacral Chakra deals with relationships and pleasure and is blocked by Guilt which closes down our “right to feel”. Dealing with guilt requires that we examine what we think we did wrong, face it and evaluate it as objectively as possible. For example, what did you expect of yourself that you did not live up to? Were your expectations unrealistic? If they were, then you need to let go of them. Since you did all that you were capable of doing at the time, there simply is no basis for your guilt, and you need to let go of that as well. 

To answer the above questions:

What did you expect of yourself that you did not live up to? – I expected to help him, to be his friend, to do what was right.

Were your expectations unrealistic? – Yes, I think so. I knew his expectations did not match my own and ignored the warning signs in hopes of “helping”. I thought helping meant giving him what he wanted regardless of what I wanted (I do this quite a bit in life!). I was not honest with myself. What I wanted was not in alignment with the situation. I expected that I could force myself to be and want what he wanted. No one can make themselves love another person in a romantic way. I ignored my heart and what it was telling me. Love him and love myself. To love him meant being honest with him and to love myself meant being honest with myself. I was neither. 

My guidance has told me often that sometimes “helping” a person is not necessarily “positive”. If a person needs to learn a lesson and you are selected to help them learn it, and lessons often are best learned through negative experiences, then often we end up the “bad guy” when really what we did was give the other person a gift. We are also given a gift. Whether we accept the gift is up to us. 

I did a meditation to release my guilt. This is what came up.

I hold the guilt in my sacral, solar plexus and heart but I felt it most strongly in my solar plexus. It felt like a knot, heavy and solid. The color associated with it is blue, meaning my throat chakra is also involved. I believe it was too open, thus I said things without thinking and without feeling. The thought came to me, “I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be.” I was disappointed with myself for not being able to be that person, thus projected that disappointment onto him in various ways. 

Just because I did a meditation doesn’t mean I am free of guilt. This is just one instance of many I need to release in order to be open to the abundance of love, emotion and happiness available to me.

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Dream: You are Beautiful

I’ll start with the good news. Yesterday I got to see my brother for the first time in about two years. He flew in from Arizona, my Mom and step-dad picked him up and they had a late lunch with me and my husband. Then we ended up back at our house to catch up for a while. It was nice! My brother doesn’t fly back until this Friday. 🙂

Now the not-so-good news. Since my last post quite a bit has happened.

The heart hospital scheduled my sister’s surgery for this morning at 8am. We were all relieved that she would finally have the help she needed. My brother, who is in the Air Force, got a special leave granted to be here for her surgery.

Last night my Mom told me that my sister’s husband told her there might be an issue with their insurance, which is Medicaid. When I heard this I asked my Mom to clarify the date and time of surgery – Who told her? Had it been confirmed by the hospital? She asked me, Why so many questions? and I said it was not like a hospital to confirm surgery without first checking on a payment guarantee, especially a surgery that would cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.

This morning I found out via FB that the surgery was cancelled. My step-dad later texted and said the hospital is “working to get insurance issues resolved.”

I have no idea what will happen next. My guess, though, is if insurance issues are not resolved then her husband will take my sister to another hospital to see if he can get them to do the surgery. If he is smart he will check if they accept their insurance first. I doubt the heart hospital will keep her much longer now that they know there will be no payment. Maybe they will transfer her? Hopefully.

The other bad news…. When I first spoke to my Mom on the phone yesterday she was quite upset. My BIL asked her to drop my nephew with his mother. When my Mom did this she confided in my BIL’s mother that she was frustrated with the Meth use by both her son-in-law and my sister. Then she told them, “IF they continue to use Meth I will take them to court to get custody of him [her grandson].”

My Mom thought my BIL’s mom was trustworthy.

Within an hour or so my Mom received a phone call from my sister. She yelled at my Mom and threatened to take her son and “vanish”. I don’t know the specifics but whatever my sister said really upset my Mom to the point that she was stumbling over the words on the phone. The call got dropped and so I waited until I saw her to get the rest of the information.

Turns out my Mom got a text from my BIL attacking her and calling her a “demon” and also threatened to disappear with their son. He specifically told her he knew people that could give them fake IDs and help them disappear.

My guess is that my BILs Mom left out the “If” part and just told them my Mom was going to take their son. Sigh. People can be so stupid. Why tell a sick – dying – woman that her son may be taken away?? The only point of doing that is to create drama and upset people.

I reassured my Mom that the threats were hollow. They can’t afford to disappear. All their contacts are in this area and with my sister being sick and recovering it is too risky. I advised her to call my sister and sort it out. My Mom calmed down and apparently did call, thus discovering the cancelled surgery.

Sadly, they have kept their son from my Mom before as a means of getting revenge for one thing or another. They know how much my Mom loves her grandson and so use it to their advantage. It is very sad.

Dream: You are Beautiful

As a result of all this continued stress I am not sleeping well again. This morning I had a dream that brought me to tears.

I was with a group of kids. One of them reminded me of my best friend from high school. We went out at night. I don’t know what our purpose was but it felt like we were sneaking around. 9pm was a time that kept being repeated. People were telling my friend, “Good luck at 9!” She asked me what it meant. I didn’t know.

We ended up in a cemetery. We got to a fence and I began to climb it when I heard sirens. I said to my friend, “The police are coming. We need to leave.” She said, “There’s no one here.” My foot was caught and I struggled to get it out as a police car approached. We hid but were soon discovered.

I remember a little boy was with us and somehow he ended up being targeted by one of the officers. He was molested. 😦

The dream gets hazy but I remember standing up to the officer and calling him out. I spoke to him for a while telling him he needed to do something before he hurt another child. I went over ideas of how he could prevent future incidents. I also helped the boy, guarding him from further molestation.

Then the boy morphed into a young girl. She went into the arms of a woman who felt like a caretaker. I went up to the girl and told her that if anyone ever touched her that way again to immediately scream and tell someone. The girl hugged her caretaker and the caretaker opened her arms to me. I hugged them both and said, “Remember, no matter what, you are beautiful.”

When I said this I began to sob and the caretaker hugged me tight. I felt deeply all the atrocities the girl and boy had gone through. It felt like I was feeling the pain of all similar experiences on Earth. It was heart-breaking. But most of all it was unfair.

My tears woke me up.

Considerations

When I woke I couldn’t help but think of how my BIL had recently told my husband of his own sexual abuse as a child. The abuse was by a male cousin who had taken advantage of him.

My sister also was also molested as a child.

I knew that child sexual abuse often results in the victim having a difficult adult life. For example, my Mom’s cousin, who I remember meeting when I was around 10 years old, had been molested by a male cousin. He ended up liking men and eventually contracting HIV and getting full-blown AIDS. I recall seeing him toward the end of his life and noting how the once attractive and vibrant man was just a shell of his former self. His entire life had been altered from his childhood trauma.

It was obvious to me that my sister and BIL/cousin’s lives had been altered in a similar fashion. Neither has fully confronted their abuse. My sister chooses to blame my Mom and use her past as a crutch and excuse for her behavior. I don’t know much about my cousin but likely he is doing the same.

I also realized that whether my sister chooses to live or die is HER choice. If she chooses to live it will be tough and she will have to choose recovery – which is terrifying to her – or avoidance. Choosing recovery also means choosing her son. I hope she has the strength and courage to take the high road….that is if she gets the option.

I feel like my dream was also about my own past lives, those in which I had been both the victim and the perpetrator. In the dream not only did I advise the molesting man but also both victims – male and female. I have recalled several past lives full of sexual abuse and know there are many others I have yet to recall. My advice to my dream child self was to always remember that I am beautiful. It reveals to me just how devastating such trauma can be to a person’s self-esteem/self-love. The perpetrator also suffers from similar feelings. No one is spared.

It seems to me like I am recognizing my sister and BIL’s plight as part of my own. I am relating to them via my own past experiences but also via the Collective. When one can do this, judgement falls away and love and compassion takes over.

Now I just wait to see what path my sister will choose. I stand in observance with love and compassion in my heart, supporting my family as they need me.

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Updates

This post will mostly consist of updates and musings.

Updates

My sister is still in the hospital. I haven’t been able to visit her again because my husband is out of town for work and I am playing single parent to our three children. Thankfully, nothing major has occurred with her condition. She is stable, though she has had some minor complications. A few days ago she had to have fluid removed from her right leg which had swollen and grown very painful. She also continues to have a fever despite the antibiotics they have been giving her. She had a picture taken of her heart valve, but I haven’t heard the results of that test yet. The doctors believe her valve is failing and she will need it removed and replaced. At this point I think a heart valve replacement is inevitable. We all knew it would happen one day, it was just a question of when.

As for my health, I had a physical over a month ago, the first in about four years. My blood work came back normal and I am still awaiting the results of my first ever mammogram. I don’t expect any bad results from the mammogram, either.

I have concluded that the heart speed-up incident last August was the result of a mixture of conditions – stress, spiritual healing/shift and eating too little for my activity level. First, when I told the doctor of the incident she agreed that it sounded very much like a hypoglycemic “attack” rather than a heart attack or heart related issue. Second, I had a series of very stressful incidents around that time, one of which was my dog, Monty, being horribly attacked by a loose dog in our neighborhood as we took our daily walk. I had also been going through some major spiritual shifting specifically in my second and third chakras which brought about debilitating panic attacks. Finally, I had been eating way too few calories – around 1500/day – for my activity level. I am active 6-7 days a week, meaning I do some kind of exercise every day and most days it is moderate to high intensity for 45+ minutes. So, I recently changed my calorie intake to closer to 1850 and am about to increase it to 2000/day. I’m not sure how I got stuck at such a low daily caloric intake. I know better than that!

I continue to work on flexibility and have already noticed a difference in how I feel. The tightness in my hips and shoulders seems to be decreasing. I can do reverse plank and bridge without feeling like my shoulders are going to break off. lol My calves are still a major sticking point for my deep squat and I still have discomfort at my hip crease when I squat deep. These will take time to resolve – maybe years – but I have accepted that and am just focusing on increasing my flexibility.

As I suspected would happen as I worked on my physical body, my spiritual body is responding in kind. Slowly, but surely, some issues are rising to the surface for inspection. For example, I have been having dreams related to issues and events in my past. I haven’t written much about them because they are deeply personal and revealing. The dreams bring back emotions that I would rather not feel and self-defeating thoughts tend to follow.

I have also recognized once again my tendency to hold onto or fixate on certain things. Finances tend to be one of those sticking points. My goals financially are to have no credit card debt and to have a substantial amount of money in savings. I reached goal #1 recently and am working hard to reach #2. Unfortunately, it looks like goal #1 is not going to last as our downstairs heater stopped working and we had to have the whole unit replaced. Similarly, a debt to a friend of my husband is coming due, one I didn’t know existed until just recently.

On a positive note, financially we have the ability to handle these situations and to continue put aside money. My job continues to be perfect for me and I am so very grateful to have the freedom, lack of stress and financial security it brings.

Spiritual Update

I’ve been in a period of integration, which feels like stagnation, for some time now and I do not see that changing anytime soon. As is my struggle with periods like this, I tend to get extremely bored and listless. Physical life is just not very interesting, especially in comparison to that types of spiritual experiences I am use to. I do not desire to do most things that others would find enjoyable. I still do not like being out in crowds of people even though I no longer experience anxiety or panic when I do.

Lately, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about what is important in life. This was brought on by my sister’s sudden illness and her continued teeter-totter on the tightrope between life and death. My dreams suggest she is at a life turning point where she can choose to stay or go. When considering my feelings about this I felt okay if she opted to leave but recognized that there would be an obvious hole in my life left by her absence. The feeling is hard to describe but is similar to having a piece missing. Those who have lost loved ones would understand this feeling well, but I experience it differently. I do not struggle with the physical death of a loved one very much as I know they continue to live on just in another form. What I struggle with is feeling alone. I manage this feeling daily but when a family member dies it becomes all the more obvious and I envy them. I honestly can’t wait until my visit to Earth ends and I can rejoin my family in Spirit.

I’ve also begun to feel a bit guilty about how little I have done to help my sister in her life struggles. As I contemplated the potential loss of her I thought to myself how spiteful I have been and the conditions I have set on the love I have for my sister. My actions say, “I love you conditionally” and that is NOT what I want my sister to take with her from this life. Because in the end love is really all there is and human love and all that it lacks is so degraded compared to the Divine love we all are. When I take away the conditions, the love I have for my sister causes me to want to give her whatever I can to ease her suffering. I still struggle with that voice that says, “But…..”. At least I am viewing my relationship with her in a new way.

Another feeling I’m having is loneliness. It is more acute than usual, anyway. I feel a lack but cannot put my finger on what exactly it is except to say I feel alone and isolated. I realize I isolate myself from others purposefully and when I inspect that action I don’t feel it is the source of my loneliness. I desire deep, meaningful connections, not superficial ones. Most everyone who surrounds me in my daily life (except my close family) will only provide superficial connections. I’m tired of being an actress, playing the role others want me to play. Yet I struggle to be my True Self. She is illusive or maybe she just doesn’t feel safe? All of this is just a part of the period of integration asking me to confront physical reality, really inspect it and my response to it. Perhaps there is something I’m not seeing or maybe I am doing what I do in other areas of my life, resisting reality?

I have been reminded in my dreams that we choose to enter this physical life and body to challenge ourselves. We travel this path “alone” on purpose. Alone = separate from the Oneness; individualized and sequestered. Those special few (soul family) who remind us of our true nature and purpose come and go. Sometimes – rarely- they stick around and we create lasting physical life memories with them. Other times, and more frequently, our paths diverge. Heart sickness results when this happens but the heart heals and we are stronger in the end, though it may take some time to realize that.

 

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Dream Themes: Owls and Dogs

 

I am still recovering from my last illness. It just lingers and lingers. Thankfully I do not feel ill, just annoyed to have random coughing episodes. My daughter and sons are also still coughing every once in a while, so I know it is just the illness lingering and not something more severe.

My husband is still out of town but plans to return by the 19th. I am looking forward to a break from being a single parent to three children, especially during the holiday season (Halloween, Thanksgiving and part of Christmas).

I suspect single parenthood is part of the reason I keep getting sick. Too much going on, not as much sleep, higher stress levels – just go, go, go all the time! Being on the go is part of my personality and natural rhythm but I also need time to unwind and de-stress, which I have not really gotten, at least not in the amount I prefer.

Meditation to Balance the Masculine and Feminine

I purchased a book called The Art of Making Sex Sacred. I have only read the first chapter but did a meditation from it that produced a bit of insight. The meditation focuses on the masculine and feminine sides of the Self. Each aspect brings forth information to help balance the two within.

I have done the meditation twice now, once last night and once this morning. The first time I didn’t have much success, probably because my kids were awake and making lots of noise. I was able to get a visual of the two aspects. The male aspect looked like a man but had on some kind of large mask. The female was dressed all in white. This morning I saw these visuals again. I could not see what the mask looked like which bothered me but the male was completely naked. I think the female wore a mask too and she was still dressed in all white, like a flowing gown.

I asked how I could bring my masculine and feminine more into balance. I knew that the masculine is often the dominant one in my personality and I felt that I needed to listen and allow the emotional, creative feminine to express herself more. I was taught to be a strong, independent woman, to distrust men, and that emotion is weakness. Then I got a moving visual of people singing and dancing. I even heard the music to an extent. It was drums I think. I knew the answer was to get my body moving. They call it ecstatic dance, which I had done once before.

So, yesterday, I opted to do a quick ecstatic dance, or dancing meditation. I searched YouTube and found one online that I really liked.

The woman really drew me in and the experience I had indicated that it would be good to continue to practice ecstatic dance at least once a week, maybe more. I felt a tiny release of emotion, mostly relief mixed with sadness, while I was dancing. It reminded me of the last time I participated in ecstatic dance – when I went to Tennessee in 2016.

Dream Themes Continue

I continue to have very vivid dreams and have been seeing a repeat of certain themes since the last dream theme of 12. Usually, when I recognize a theme is present and acknowledge the message it brings, the theme stops. This is what happened with the 12 theme and has also happened with the owl theme thus far. The dog theme has been on-going this month, though, and continues to recur. This could mean I have not yet grasped the meaning of the theme yet.

Dream: Early Ceremony

I was inside a house with a classmate from high school. I also recall another person being there who told me my ceremony (recognition for accomplishments) would be held early. I was given a necklace (a relationship) made of gold with a circle (wholeness, cycle of life) pendant. Inside the pendant was a single diamond (strength) that could be moved up and down. I remember holding it and showing my classmate but not putting it on. An entire speech was said prior to me getting the necklace but I can’t recall it now.

I then talked to my classmate asking her how it felt to be 48 years old. I somehow concluded that I was 47 and about to turn 48. It felt like the month of July for some reason. Not sure if there is significance to this dream but I suspect the message was that something important would occur prior to my 48th birthday.

Owl Theme: 12/7-8/19

Dreams: Owls

In the beginning of one dream I was walking down a path and interacted with various people and objects. In one part I was taking photos of flowers – one was a large sunflower(prosperity). In another part I was looking at owls (wisdom, intuition, psychic gifts) and other animals. I don’t remember much about the rest of this part now.

Then I had a dream of being with my BIL and his family visiting a very nice house for sale in AZ. The house (soul) was a hotel and cost $6 million. The owner was giving us a tour and I was walking through it talking about how nice it would be to own this house in the mountains. The house was like a maze (difficulties and setbacks), though, full of very elaborate furnishings and expensive things. Outside on the veranda was a large body of water that I later discovered was a pool. It was my favorite part.

I got separated from the family and so got lost and had to find my way back to them. I remember seeing the house from above. It was positioned on a plateau with many acres and was the grandest house in the area.

Then we were with my BIL’s family going on a vacation to AZ.  We drove along a dirt road. Cliffs were high on either side with partially built houses in them. We came to an opening and there was a lake on both sides with more houses along it’s banks. One was a huge chateau built into the stone along the lake. The water was very low but blue and clear (positive emotion). I remember mentioning how the road would likely flood when the water got high.

We were going to take a dirt bike tour and I was looking at the cost – $350 or something. We got out of the car and walked a while and my BIL (masculine aspect), who was very dirty, jumped into the water to clean off only the water was very muddy (clouded emotion). I remember seeing an option to go visit the cave dwellings and mentioned doing that before the dirt bikes that would be at 1pm. I also said we could do it the next day. My BIL had to be back to work by Monday, so that didn’t happen.

Then the dream shifted and I was with my Mom at a ranch somewhere in west Texas. We were talking about buying it. I remember saying the mountains were perfect – not too high or too low. The people who previously owned the ranch had animals. I remember she had a baby owl that she raised to adulthood. It flew onto my arm and it looked to have cat (feminine sexuality) ears. I recall being shown it was raise along side a Cougar (feminine desire) and they played roughly together. Very odd!

Dog Theme: 12/10/19

Dream: Peeing Dog

The start of the dream was outside near a pool (cleansing) that was so green with algae (risks, unforeseen problems) that it looked more like a pond. There were people swimming in it and I remember thinking of how difficult it would be to clean the pool. I was also concerned that the pool was toxic. I can’t remember if I was in it or not but amidst the pool memories I recall being in my old bedroom at my moms, the room I occupied while I was in high school.

Then I was walking a dog (protection) that resembled my dog Trooper. We went into a house or apartment that I knew was the home of a my friend Yvonne. My dog suddenly acted like he needed to poop and decided to stop near Yvonne’s sofa table. I tried to pull him off the white, furry rug but he squatted and began to poop anyway. What came out was not poop, though, but a stream of clear water (clear emotion). He then decided to walk as he pooped/peed and left a trail of the stuff across the living room. I could hear Yvonne in the other room teaching a class so I tried to be quiet as I cleaned up as much of the mess as I could. I remember the pee smelled odd. It didn’t smell like poop or pee. I hoped Yvonne wouldn’t notice as I took my dog out of the home quickly.

Note: The next morning my friend Yvonne had tons of posting on Instagram and one was about a walk-in meet-up next summer. Yvonne rarely posts on Instagram and this was the first post I had seen in over a year. Coincidence? Not likely! Similarly, the ecstatic dance coincides with Yvonne and the walk-in group as well. Ha!

Dream: Shifting Dog

In this dream I was driving somewhere along a highway (path in life) when I noticed my dog chasing my car and not giving up no matter how fast I drove. Worried he would exhaust himself or get run over, I pulled off onto the feeder road and stopped the car. At this time he morphed from an Aussie into a tiny wiener dog (be persistent, don’t dally). I stuffed him into my coat and then got into my truck (hard work) where I put him in the tiny back seat.

Then I drove and drove until I reached a very busy highway intersection with ramps that went very high into the air (ascending spirituality). It felt like a hub of some sort. I was looking at a GPS as I walked around trying to decide which ramp to take. Somehow I lost my car and was on foot but I don’t remember when this happened.

I began to walk up a very steep ramp along with many other people. My dog was with me in my arms. As I walked the GPS said, “Take ramp 2” and then said, “Recalculating” indicating that I had taken the wrong ramp. I remember thinking, “I can’t back up on a one-way ramp” but then realizing I was on foot (my individual path) and I could turn around and go back. I walked a bit back toward the bottom and then tried to jump over to ramp 2 when I saw a large space between the two ramps and a drop far down to the ground that would kill me if I fell. So I continued to walk down further. I climbed over the rail (barrier to progress) to get to ramp 2 without any issue. Someone commented that it was unusual to jump over the rails and I responded that I had to get over there.

Then my dog was loose, the wiener dog, and an older couple was reacting with surprise. I went after him and he morphed into a tiny baby (new ideas, new potential) and jumped into the space between the ramps that should have been a drop but instead was water. I watched as the baby floated in the water for a little while feeling at first like I couldn’t move to go rescue him. Then I felt able to move and swooped in and picked him up. I asked him why he jumped in and he said, “So you could rescue me.”

The dream continues with me walking up the correct ramp. I saw a mother and her daughter discussing the many places to visit in the city the ramp led to. I saw a map with various colleges and the daughter pointed to a stadium at a college saying she was going to visit. I commented that I would never attend such a big university in a big city like that – too many people and I don’t like people very much.

Then I recall being inside a building where there were many people milling about looking at various pamphlets for colleges and universities in the area. Along the sides of the room were people sitting at desks with PCs. I remember noticing that others in my group were absent and then remembering that they were on their college day and that I had taken my day the day before.

Considerations

Overall, my dreams seem to be pointing at me doing more inner work and healing. Along with the illnesses I have been dealing with it could be that I am undergoing a massive physical and emotional clearing in preparation for something to come.

The dog symbol could be a reminder to stay protected or that I am protected. The dogs that morph go from a dog in my past to an unknown dog to a baby. This in itself seems to point to clearing up issues from the past, seizing the moment and “rescuing” ideas and potential that may have been lost or forgotten.

The owl has long been my totem. I have had real-life encounters with the Great Horned Owl throughout my life but most of my encounters have been in dream time since my awakening. I find it curious that I saw the owl as having “cat ears”. My guess is I was seeing a Great Horned Owl who looked to have cat ears. Also, cats tend to be a common theme of mine indicating feminine power and sexuality. So perhaps I am being advised to listen to my intuition and dreams (owls) and stop denying my feminine power (cats)?