Category Archives: kundalini

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Dream: Kundalini Heart Bliss Returns

I’ve had trouble sleeping for three nights in a row. Sigh. I can’t fall asleep, but eventually do, usually around midnight. Then, unfortunately, I wake around 4-4:30am and struggle to go back to sleep.

I came across an article that warning of coming solar flare activity. The image matched the dates I’ve been struggling with sleep.

Thankfully, it looks like they are calming down, so maybe I will get more than 5hrs of sleep tonight?

On the bright side, during my brief 4-5hrs of sleep last night, I had a wonderful dream.

Before I go into the dream, there is a backstory. As you may know from my previous posts, I’ve been in a kind of “pause” period with very little spiritual activity. The decline has been steady over the last 5-7 years since my Kundalini awakening in 2014-2017.

I’ve been asking for a return of the Kundalini energy, ideally the heart bliss because I’ve really missed it. Of all the amazing Kundalini energy I’ve experienced, the heart bliss is the absolute best. It makes everything….better. I feel Home. I feel completely open, vulnerable and connected to All. 

Dream: Kundalini Heart Bliss Returns

I entered into a dream where I was standing in front of a large, muddy, flooded pond. I was with someone and told them, “I bet you can catch a lot of fish here.” The water was muddy, though, so I thought to myself it may not be the best fishing just yet.

We walked along the side of the large pond towards another big pond in the distance. There was a single-wide mobile home with a chain link fence on our right. The pond came right up to the fence, threatening to flood the yard and home. The female owner of the mobile home was outside and I asked if she worried her home would flood. She said, “No” and pointed to how the home was up on blocks. 

A little boy came running up to the fence gate, opened it up and greeted me with a smile as if he knew me. He was around 3-4 years old with dark hair. It felt like I had brought my child to play with him but I’m not sure. I don’t remember who was with me so it could’ve been my son. 

I continued to walk towards the other pond. The scene changed as I walked and the open field with the ponds quickly turned into tree covered park. Behind me I heard a commotion and a teenage boy came running past. Someone had lost their dog. I walked back to check for it and discovered another dog who was quickly joined by the missing dog. Both dogs were inside a chain linked fence. I yelled back that their dog had returned. 

Turning back, I walked towards a large, VW-looking flat-front bus. Someone had fixed it up and it looked really nice, almost brand new. A man was standing near the rear of the vehicle and I went up to him and asked if it was his. He said it was and that he had fixed it up, a big, proud grin on his face. He had dark hair and a twinkle in his eyes. Something was familiar about him and, like the boy from earlier, I seemed to know him.

We walked around the bus, which had large windows all around. Parked inside I saw a very pricey, sports car. It seemed odd to me to have a car inside a bus and I asked him, “Why not put a bed there?” I sent him a visual of how it would look. 

The scene shifted. We were inside the bus and the man was laying on a bed. The sports car was gone. 

I stood next to him and we talked a while as if getting to know one another. He told me about graduating and going to college. Surprised at his age, I said, “You seem so young.” He replied, “Why does that (age) matter?” In that moment, my view shifted from him to myself and I could see what I looked like. I was female, darker skinned (mulatto), and older, possibly 40’s-50’s. There was an odd sense in this moment and I realized our appearances and everything around me were not what it seemed. 

The man told me that his parents encouraged him to take the bus to the “red light district”. There was a long period of silence. I asked him, “Is that what you want to do?” He seemed to indicate it was not. The sense I got from him was uncertainty. He wanted to make others happy and often did things he didn’t really want to do. 

Then we were closer. I was sitting on the bed next to him and could see he had a bandage on the right side of his face. His face was very clear in the dream but now I only recall it in general. He looked very similar to the Hispanic looking, dark haired man that use to visit me in the early years of my Kundalini awakening.

I can’t recall what we were talking about before, only that I felt a deep connection to the man. He seemed to be in the bed “recovering” and I greatly identified with his story. I remember trying to tell him what I was feeling but I got choked up. The words felt to stick in my threat. My heart was filling up slowly with heart bliss, bringing up a plethora of emotions and they were overtaking me. I did manage to choke out, “I don’t know…..I don’t know what is happening….to me…[long pause, intense emotion]…Can….Can I give you a hug?” He leaned toward me and we embraced. While in the embrace I began to cry – with relief, with joy, with excitement. I was Home.

I could sense the man felt the same. He pulled away slightly, just getting far enough away that our faces were inches apart. Then he kissed me. The pressure in my heart intensified, the emotion growing even more intense. 

It brought back memories of “before”; of when I had the heart connection/twin flame experience. But this time it was far more gentle and flowing. There was no panic. There was no resistance; no runner/chaser dynamic. Just full acceptance. But mostly there was a flood of intense relief and a Knowing in my heart that what I was experiencing was meant to be. I thought, “This is what I’ve been waiting for…” Unfortunately, I became too lucid and though I tried desperately to hold onto the dream, I came slowly back to body awareness. 

I heard my guide say matter-of-factly, “There you go.” 

My heart was still swirling with bliss as I replied, “I wanna go back. Please.” From there I drifed into the in-between a few times where I heard the name “John”. It could be my guide’s name as I’ve gotten that name many times in the past. 

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Dream Encounter

Slept okay with lots of dreams. Had an interesting dream encounter, also.

Dream: Find Your Family

I received a call informing me of something that seemed important. I can’t recall what it was or who called, but it felt like a bank called me. 

Then I was taken to a large office-like building. Inside were lots of random people, none I recognized. A person approached me and asked me some questions about certain people, bringing up names and asking me if I knew them, etc. One name I recognized as my husband’s family but my description of her did not match theirs. Overall, it felt like an interrogation and I was becoming nervous and suspicious because I didn’t understand why I was there.

Eventually I was informed that everyone there was part of an ancestry project that reunited families that had been separated. A person announced to everyone,”Find your family”. I stood confused for a moment and then stepped aside as others began to form small groups. A handful of others and myself stood separate from the others. We looked at each other questioningly. I remember saying, “I don’t have one [a family].” The others with me nodded in agreement- neither did they. 

One man approached the person in charge, demanding to know what was going on. I moved away, towards the front door, thinking I would just leave. When I got to the door it had a large, silver electronic lock on it. I wasn’t going anywhere. I leaned up against the window looking out, not really concerned. Then the man, having not gotten any answers, wandered over to the door also. He looked at the lock and then at me and said, “I guess we’re stuck here.” He seemed angry.

Dream Encounter

The next thing I know I am sitting in the front seat of a pickup truck. There is a man to my left. We are sitting quite close and it feels very intimate. In front of us is my youngest son. He is moving around quite freely as if the truck has unlimited space. I notice his hair is out of place so I reach out and comb it in place. Then he shows me his finger saying he lost the ring. I can see a green spot where the ring use to sit. It seems like he had been wearing a cheap ring on it for a while. 

The whole time I am sitting with this man who feels very familiar. In fact, he feels like someone I know in real life. While I am interacting with my son, I lean into this man and hug him tight. When finished hugging him I don’t move but stay close, laying in his arms. 

The man brings up “cold hands and feet” for some reason. I suddenly feel very concerned because I often have cold, clammy hands. Will he reject me because of it? I reply truthfully to him that I often have cold hands and feet but lately they have been warmer than usual. He doesn’t seem to judge me for it and stretches out his bare feet and wiggles his toes as if to emphasize the “cold feet” part. Then he reaches out and takes my hand in his own. He comments that my hand is not cold at all. I relax, relieved. 

We remain holding hands, laying in each others arms. He is quite tall, so his chest and torso are above my head. Yet I can look up at him easily. I feel suddenly very nervous because I can sense the energy shifting. I worry he wants to kiss me. I look up and he looks back at me. He says to me, “That’s funny, is that stabs on your eyes?” I think my mind shifts the words a bit because I immediately look away, self-conscious of something on my face. But I look back almost immediately when I hear his words because I am confused. Did he say “Stabs” or “Scabs”? And on my eyes??

When I look back at him all I see are his eyes. They are golden with specks of yellow and the pupils are pinpricks; barely visible. It is like his eyes are a precious stone like tiger’s eye or yellow jasper. I am instantly pulled into them. I recognize something in his eyes. At the same time, a very odd feeling hits me in the high heart, that spot just above the heart chakra but just below the throat chakra. It feels like I am hit with lightening but at the same time an energy comes back out that feels so strange, so unfamiliar, that it wakes me up.

Messages

As I wake I begin to sob. The emotion just pours out of me but I have no idea why. I don’t feel any specific emotion, yet I am crying. And that odd feeling in my high heart is still lingering. It doesn’t feel bad but it feels….strange. I have felt all kinds of Kundalini energy but this, this was beyond strange! It felt like something was both going into me and being sucked out of me at the same time.

And those eyes. OMG! They weren’t human.

Still sensing his presence, I ask him, “Who are you?” He replies, “I am you.” This is a familiar response, and something about it causes me to fall instantly into Knowing. This is something I have experienced before but practically forgot. How could I forget? 

He asks me, “Why are you sad?” And another wave of emotion pours out of me. Now wide awake and sobbing into my pillow, I try to answer him, but really, I have no idea. However, part of my answer was, “I feel lost” and “I don’t feel like I belong.”

The entire time I was getting visuals of him still holding my hand and messages such as, “We love you” and “You are not alone.” All familiar. 

I am reminded of a vision received not long ago. I saw a watch laying on the floor followed by a flash of something else, I think the entrance or exit to a pool of water,  indicating endings and beginnings. The song, It’s Time came to mind. This song has recently been repeating. I Knew the watch = “It’s time” and the water = “To begin”. 

Another song, Wake Me Up Inside, has also been coming to mind.

Interpretation

The first dream seems to reflect my feelings of not belonging. I am there to find my family but have none. I feel trapped amongst strangers (door is locked). 

The encounter dream is sending me a message about “cold feet”. It is pretty obvious now, but in the dream I was too preoccupied with concerns that I would cause the man not to like me to notice. 

The green ring marks on the boys hands are probably a message about Union or marriage or something similar. Rings that leave green marks are not genuine so perhaps it symbolizes a relationship that is not genuine? I still haven’t figured it out yet. 

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A Hellish 10 Days

How is everyone? The eclipse energies and whatever else was going on alongside it was intense, wasn’t it? For me, particularly, it was quite a challenge.

First, there was the mental torture. I did it to myself, of course. My monkey-mind was very, very difficult to shut down. I kept thinking that I needed to act on the repetitive thoughts, because, well they were repeating. As someone with a completely open head center (Human Design) this is a very bad idea. The head center is a pressure center. This means that there is a sense that one should act on the thoughts they are having. But this center doesn’t have the means in and of itself to take any action. It just exerts pressure. Without being connected to an energy center that can take the thoughts and put them into action, the pressure just sits there saying, “DO SOMETHING”. An open head center is like a radio station that never tunes to one channel for very long. The channels constantly change; a constant flow of random thoughts and ideas. So, I have never-ending mind chatter as a rule and the key is to ignore it.

Unfortunately, I didn’t ignore it and it made some unnecessary waves in my life. Thankfully, the waves settled on their own. I could’ve done without the drama, though. Bleh!

On top of all the above, I had some crazy physical symptoms that came out of the blue all at once and with an intensity that had me worried I would have to go to the ER. I know for a fact that my monkey mind created some of it, but at the time I didn’t see the connection.

The physical issues that arose were numerous. The most concerning were the heart palpitations. I’ve had experience with them in the past but never like this. To give you an idea of how frequent they occurred, in a 30 minute window I noted 6 incidences and this was while I was fairly calm, standing at my desk doing work. In comparison, my past experiences would be one or two as I settled down to sleep. The palpitations never came with any other symptoms – no chest pain, no breathing difficulty, no light-headedness – so I just monitored them and changed my intake of caffeine to see if it would help. Two days after cutting all caffeine, the palpitations decreased significantly. Now, at day five they are all but gone. Yay!

One night, however, I was awakened by a bad dream and a pounding heart that wouldn’t settle after waking. In the dream I had taken a young boy hostage and was torturing him (eeek!). I decided to let him go because I didn’t want to kill him. When I did, I immediately regretted my decision and became frantic as I attempted to clean up all traces of me from the crime scene. However, I knew I didn’t have enough time and began to freak out in the dream. When I woke my heart rate was around 100BPM and it took about a half hour for it to settle down.

As a result of the heart palpitations I was constantly staving off panic attacks. Ugh! I became a super-hermit as a result. lol

I had also been feeling more tired in the evenings. It was the tired like I took a sleeping pill when I didn’t. The fatigue would hit me around 8pm, so it didn’t impact my day. Then I would sleep really, really deeply.

I’ve also been extremely angry to the point that I struggle to hold it back. I had a wall of emotion break through and behind it was the anger. Loads and loads – a lifetime of anger.

I’ve also had really itchy arms and eczema. Ugh! So annoying! Thankfully, this is also subsiding now.

In order to ease the physical and mental symptoms, I began to meditate more, take afternoon naps and just increase overall self-care. I even did some Reiki self-healing, which I rarely do.

Thankfully, all of the above has settled. My mind is quieter and I feel calmer in general, the fatigue in the evenings has vanished, my heart palpitations are nearly non-existent and my eczema is clearing. My sleep is back to normal, also, with more frequent waking and better dream recall. The anger is still present, but no longer threatening to overflow. I now need to find a way to release it without negatively impacting those around me.

Dreams

Two distinct dreams from early this morning.

Fairies

In the first one, I was visiting a cavern with my Mom, her husband and my brother. My brother was young, maybe 10 years old. I arrived early when something caught my eye. It was some kind of machine and there were these small, white, fluffy creatures flying around it that resembled a dandelion capitulum. They appeared to be alive, like fairies or butterflies. I tried to take photos and video and my phone froze after a few pics. So, I watched the little fairies, fascinated. They soon transformed into these flat, round, blobs that stuck to the side of the tower. Each had circular nodules poking out of the tops. I was fascinated by them so when Mom arrived I showed her and she said my sister had played that game. I guess it was a half real/half simulated video game of some kind? 

Then Mom and I left and I asked about waiting for her husband and my brother. She said he would call and meet up with us later. We were walking outside in a parking lot but then shifted to inside a space. There, she was going through pots and pans and I had memory of  my sister asking me, through tears, if I had a pasta pot she could have because she lost hers. I mentioned it to Mom and then had memory of a pot and pan I had given Mom a long time ago. It was from early in my marriage. 

Then, we were sitting next to each other talking, but when I turned to look at my mom, she wasn’t there, a blonde man was. He was showing me some wounds on his arms and I saw a circular spot of blood on his blue jeans. I asked, “Did I do that to you?” He laughed and said I hadn’t. Then, without warning, I felt an energy from him that was very attractive and full of love. It washed over me and I leaned toward him as he leaned towards me. We were about to embrace when the energy woke me up. It swirled around my entire body for a bit before I returned to sleep.

Beauty Knows Beauty

This dream began with a story and visual of a young woman. She had been in an accident that had ripped half of her scalp off. After surgery she was almost completely bald. I was told and saw how she had to use makeup and to fill in the bald spots. The hair she had was mostly stubble. I watched as she meticulously filled in bald spots in the front with makeup. I remember thinking she actually looked good and thinking others would get use to her looking that way.

Then I was in a salon. I believe I was both an observer and the participant because I shifted perspectives quite often. The bald girl was me and I was there to get a wig fitted. Then I was standing next to the stylist showing her how long to make the extensions for a black woman (also me). The extensions were extremely long and needed to be trimmed.  

When the black woman’s hair was done she looked beautiful with her new extensions. However, her hair shifted from black to pure white as did her fake eyelashes. As I saw this, the stylist came up to me and put fake eyelashes on me. I laughed because I don’t wear them usually. One wouldn’t stick and I tried to put it back, holding it in my hands for a second to look at it. One second it was black and the next it was white. I never got to see my reflection but was staring at the black woman who now had white hair and lashes.

The stylist, also black, and the other black woman sat and chatted with me like we were good friends. They asked me if I was married and I confirmed I was. They asked how long and I said, “Since 1997, but I’m on my second marriage.” They asked how it was going and I said, “Okay, but as soon as someone better comes along I’m leaving.” We all laughed in unison. One woman was about to ask another question but I interrupted and said, “Do you mind me asking you both something? Why is it that men don’t know how to pleasure a woman?” They laughed in understanding. The answer I got was a sense that the other women knew it as an accepted fact. It also felt like part of the answer was that women were far superior to men when it came to intimacy and connection. Though we know this we don’t boast about it or try to make less of the men. It is a lesson in patience, understanding and acceptance. 

Then, the woman who had white hair was the focus. Her hair was black again and she was upset. I remember reassuring her that she was beautiful. She said, “How do you know? You’re not God.” I replied, “The beauty in me sees the beauty in you.” I wiped the tears from her cheeks as she smiled in gratitude.

Interpretations

My sense of the first dream is that I was being taken in my subconscious (caverns). The “fairies” represent those things which are curious and magical. They shed light on the “games” I enjoy in waking reality. The ending is a reminder of the love available to me.

The second dream feels to be a reflection on inner versus outer beauty. I saw beauty in both women who I also became through the course of the dream. The bald woman and the black woman were both version of myself who I found beautiful in their own distinct ways. The message I gave the woman at the end was also a message to myself. A reminder of what true beauty is.

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Lucid K Dream: Teach Me?

I’m still considering a return to Costa Rica. Yesterday, I spoke with my SIL about it and she is happy to host me for as long as I need. She also has more cabanas available to choose from. One is located right on the beach! When I imagined returning to Costa Rica, I saw myself in a cabana on the beach, so I must have manifested it. 🙂 Her horse ranch is just across the road from the cabana, so I would still be close to her and the horses.

I still haven’t bought a ticket and made my trip official. I have some things to sort out first. If I do go, it looks like it will be around the first week in June.

Last night I was blessed with lucidity again. 🙂

Lucid K Dream: Teach Me?

I was at a school inside a brightly lit classroom. I wasn’t a teacher but seemed to be observing what was going on. It was either between classes or before or after school because there weren’t many students present and there was no formal teaching happening. Instead, the few inside were cleaning up and chatting. 

Exiting the classroom, I stood outside looking at student artwork on the walls. A particular piece caught my eye. It was just stick people and lines; very rudimentary. Yet, as I looked at it, a dot began to travel on its own around the paper. Curious, I looked closer, not believing my eyes. I inspected the piece, checking for abnormalities, but couldn’t find any.

A teacher passing by saw my interest. I told him it moved. He showed me how groves had been made in the cardboard backing to make it seem like it was moving on its own. He also laughed and said it was a particular student who liked playing pranks on people. This was just one example of how the student fooled around.

Still, though, I was suspicious. I thought for sure the school was haunted. 

I went home and climbed into my bed, pulling my covers securely around me. This is where I began to gain lucidity in the dream. Secure in my comfy bed, my thoughts were on the artwork, the boy and what I had just encountered at the school. 

To my surprise, I felt an hand softly touch me on the back and then an entire arm tucked itself under me. Someone was attempting to spoon with me. In that moment I knew: 1. I was in my bedroom, in my bed and 2. no one was in the bed with me, and 3. I must be dreaming. 

Not afraid at all, I turned to see who it was that had climbed into bed with me, thinking, “I want to know who’s there”. I was aware that my usual response to such things it to just lay still and see what, if anything happens. I didn’t want to do the “same ol’ thing”. To my surprise, a very bright-faced, white-blonde haired, young man sat up as I turned to confront him. He had a big smile on his face and his eyes were twinkling. I didn’t recognize him but figured he must be the student whose artwork had caught my attention earlier.

He communicated with me but all I recall are pictures and understanding. A visual of three images, side-by-side, came to my mind. It was somewhat similar to a slot machine in the way it was presented. I can’t recall the pictures but one represented the connecting/communicating via the internet and another was physical connection/communication. I can’t remember the third at all. Maybe spiritual communication? I was to select one. I picked the one on the far right. 

It was also communicated that this young man wanted me to teach him the ropes of sexual communication. Since he appeared far too young, which felt inappropriate, I asked him, “Make yourself 18 or older.” lol I can’t remember if he did or not. He then prepared himself, leaning down, his face aimed at my crotch. I laughed and told him, “Not like that.” He asked, “No?” as if he thought sex was done via the mouth. I pointed to his crotch, still amused. 

I then showed him how it was done and climbed onto his lap. All I recall from that point on is my chakras lighting up one after the other. When my third chakra lit up I felt the familiar energy of returning to my physical body. The energy lingered in my third chakra for some time after. 

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Progress and K Dream

I’ve been struggling with monkey-mind more than usual this past two weeks. I got fed up with it and finally prayed for assistance.

Assistance was provided, though I wasn’t consciously aware of the change until the end of the day, Monday.

Since then, mind chatter has been low to non-existent. I actually caught myself ignoring thoughts that passed through rather than focusing on them. The results were magnificent; however, I caught myself “bored” on more than one occasion. It is odd to have no thought and I find it “boring”. When my mind chatter is turned on there is so much to be “entertained” by that it makes life a bit more interesting. The problem is that the kind of things I think of are usually not positive. I typically focus on problems, on things that irritate and annoy me or on random memories and events that have no point except to pull me out of the present moment. 

I realized I give my thoughts so much energy to remind myself of things that need to be done. If I am not thinking of that to-do list for the day/week/month, then I worry I will forget and end up with future problems. For example, if I don’t remember to pick up my child from that after school practice or don’t pay a bill. But if I look at most of the items on this never-ending to-do list, there are few that really are so important that I need to constantly remind myself of them. Thinking of things that need to be done typically leaves me feeling anxious or unsettled. So, it would be better, I think, to just let them go along with all the other pointless information floating around in my head. 

As someone with a completely open head center in HD, there is a “pressure to think about things that don’t matter,”. An open head is a constant in-flow of pointless chatter. My youngest son, who has an undefined head center, easily gets pulled into this chatter, also. He has mentioned struggling to keep his mind quiet. He often goes off into daydreams or loses touch with present time conversations because of it. When he was really little, he would blurt out random comments out of the blue. He still does this every now and then. I suspect as he gets older he will withhold the random, off-subject comments but he will still think them. This happens as people repeatedly reject him for this quirky habit. I know, I learned to keep quiet for the same reason. I was always blurting out random things as a child. I still sometimes do. lol

Every one in my family – me, my husband and three children – have open/undefined head centers. All of us are going around thinking about things that don’t matter and blurting out off-topic stuff at random. It can be quite entertaining, until it’s not. lol

Surprise K Dream

With my success in containing my monkey-mind, at least for the time being, I was blessed with another K Dream. 🙂

In the dream, my husband took me and the kids to a friend’s house. We were at their house in their garage and my husband let the boys play with her boys. I remember the purpose of the visit was to plan some event. 

Then they (my husband, his friend and others) all were wearing bright red capes with hoods. It reminded me of a cult. The capes had a gold emblem on the front. When they all had their hoods up it was creepy. They were gathering for some kind of ceremony. This creeped me out and I demanded the children leave with me. I got them to meet me at a truck and we drove off.

Then I was inside a space with a male energy who I considered my “husband”. Someone was talking to me. IDK if it was this “husband” or someone else. I remember seeing a line of naked men facing me while standing along a black wall, hand-in-hand. There was no way to get through them and they didn’t move. The man whose voice I heard told me, “You should have more sex”. I disagreed, of course, and was not interested. I sat down with my back to the “husband” character in the dream as the voice made this statement. I was very resistant and the emotion I remember feeling the strongest was anger. It made me angry that this man would suggest I have more sex with my husband. My anger created an energetic “wall” around me.

The anger was still strong when my “husband” slowly pulled up behind me. I couldn’t see him but he was very obviously attempting to have sex with me. I could feel him pressed up against my back. Still angry and purposefully facing away from him, I didn’t physically resist his advances. I felt a surge of pleasure like a lightening bolt hit my root. I moved with it and it exploded upward becoming ever more pleasurable. It wasn’t an orgasm, though, just pure ecstasy.

The feeling woke me but did not stop. Instead, it spread upward into my heart where it settled and then moved back down. The energy kept circulating between root and heart this way for some time. It was pleasurable but not overwhelming.

The message to “have more sex” was odd. With who I wonder? The men lined up against the black wall? So odd! What is clear is that I have a lot of pent-up anger I’m carrying around. The anger didn’t feel bad in the dream, it felt almost good, like tension that has built-up over time.

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Lightning Strike

I had an unexpected Kundalini dream. What is crazy about it is that it coincided with a thunderstorm.

Prior to falling asleep it was so quiet it was unsettling. I turned on some white noise to help me fall asleep. It was “the quiet before the storm” – literally. 

Dream – Acceptance

This dream was very complex in that there were multiple layers to it. What I mean by this is that several dreams occurred simultaneously creating a layered effect. Typically I only experience two layers – one where I am in a discussion with a guide/assistant and another the visuals that accompany it creating the main dream experience. Because of the many layers, my recall is limited and so I will focus on the part I recall most vividly.

I am in my bedroom. A friend is visiting. He is not suppose to be there. I feel like a teenager who snuck my boyfriend in. We are kneeling side-by-side on the floor with our forearms resting on the bed. We are talking and laughing and generally very physically close. There is a great sense of comfort and ease I’ve rarely felt in this life. 

At one point he gets up and walks across the room. I realize quickly it is because my mom has called out to me and he is checking the door. I observe his appearance and notice he resembles someone I once dated. Yet he is most definitely not that person. The real face of my friend shifts into the face of my ex over and over as if to get my attention. I realize I don’t care what he looks like. What matters is his soul; his energy. The moment I have this realization is very prominent in the dream.

My friend takes me to the door and opens it. He invites me to go inside. When I approach the door, it changes into to a metal door, that opens into a vault. I step inside and find myself in a golden hued room. On the ground at my feet are hundreds of unopened letters from my friend.

Vaguely, I recall discussing a gift he once gave me. He asked me if I had forgotten about it. He turns towards a table. Sitting on top of it is a small box that looks like it might contain jewelry. He opens the box and dumps the contents into his hand. He extends his closed hand towards me and opens it. I see three small, sparkly hearts in the palm of his hand. They are chocolates coated in “diamond” sugar. His gift is priceless. I remember feeling pleased and grateful for the gift. I had forgotten about it.

There is physical interference at this point. The thunder from the storm briefly pulls me out of my dream but doesn’t wake me. I can sense the lightening flashing and feel the rumble of the thunder throughout the rest of the dream.

Then we are sitting close together, intertwined, our shoulders touching. We are facing one another. His chin is tucked up against my shoulder. I gently slide my finger up his spine from his shoulder blades to the nape of his neck. When I do this, I feel what he feels. He enjoys the sensation, as do I, but when he looks at me I feel a spark of desire. In that moment, I see a flash of lightning and am overcome with ecstasy. The feeling shoots through me and I melt, completely incapacitated by it. I remember thinking, “This will surely kill me.” I swear I hear a reply: “No.” I wake up. The lightning is still flashing and I hear thunder rumbling all around me.

I relish the lingering ecstasy. It has been so long! I say, “thank you”. 

I fall back into the in-between. The “dream” continues but feels present in physicality. I can feel my friend close, just like in the dream. Our foreheads are touching and he begins to whisper to me as his lips lightly brush mine. He says one word at a time. I only remember a few: slow, gentle, patient. With each word I am overcome with the same ecstasy as before, only it is centered in my core rather than rising up from my root. It spreads outward and I melt into it. 

I want to open fully to the energy but am distracted. It is so HUGE. I feel certain it will kill me. I hear that it most definitely will not. I am told what I am feeling is ME. 

Eventually, I ask to return to sleep because I can’t sleep. The energy is too distracting. Thankfully, my request is granted.

This song was on my mind throughout the night:

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Answer Received

The Lightning Strike played yesterday. I barely noticed it, but when I did, I remember thinking, “Hmmm, interesting.” 

I asked to be shown in my dreams how to resolve my current life issues.

Dreams

Lots and lots of dreams. The answer to my question was answered.

Avoidance

This dream is difficult to recall in full because it was one of the first of the night. What I remember most vividly is trying to avoid running into a certain man who seemed to be following me. The avoidance came in the form of hiding, sneaking around and even running. I was conversing with someone, probably a guide, throughout. Again, no memory of what was discussed, just a sense that it was about the situation playing out in the dream. 

I woke from the dream knowing instantly who it was I was running from and having vivid recall of what he looked like in the dream. 

Not My Dream

I was with a man in a white sedan. He was short, with light brown hair, deep seated smile lines and a eyes that had a sparkle to them. I liked him and trusted him. We were both in the front seat of a the car with the seats fully reclined. I was in the driver’s seat. The car wasn’t driving but flying very quickly. I could see the scenery blurring by, the colors mixing to create a spectacular visual that reminded me of time travel or interdimensional travel. 

I turned to the man and asked, “So this is how you do it?” “It” here meant going with the flow, letting life take the lead and letting go of control. He laughed and confirmed. I knew, at this point, I was dreaming but it wasn’t my dream, it was his. Perhaps this is why I didn’t become lucid? 

I pulled up and away, discarding the perspective from inside the car, and saw us both from above. We were laying down in the car. The car was driving itself across a vast blue that reminded me of an ocean, but it was some kind of bridge, or at least that is how I perceived it. I could see the colors swirling around our tiny bodies in the car.

Shifting my perspective back “down”, I experienced a strange sense of becoming very small. It was almost disorienting but it didn’t bother me. I asked the man, “Are we little now?” I don’t remember his response but I think he confirmed with a laugh.

Eventually we stopped moving, but the vivid colors still swirled around us. It was as if we were both inside a tube of some kind. The man was laying beside me, just like he had been in the car. A blue “blanket” of color rested over the top of us. The man began to shift his position from beside me to on top of me. I saw his face clearly in this moment but I didn’t recognize him as anyone I’d seen before. A rush of energy hit my heart and core. It was magnificent and I sighed with relief, fully ready for what would come next. Unfortunately, I woke up.

Another Life

I was a mother. The connection I had with my son was beyond beautiful. It was a familiar connection – a heart connection. The dream began with me seeing my son at around the age of 18. My heart overflowed with love. 

When I looked at him, I recalled my life with him. The memories came all at once, mostly intensely powerful feelings, feelings a mother should not have for her son. So, it is no surprise that I struggled internally, wanting to be more than a mother to him. Yet, the feeling was not sexual, but rather a deep desire to be as close to him as possible. The magnetic quality made it very difficult to resist hovering and I became extremely possessive of him and my time with him. It wasn’t a jealous possessiveness but more a protectiveness.

My son was in the process of saying goodbye. He was leaving home for college. The pain I felt is indescribable. It was like my heart was being ripped out. I didn’t want him to leave. Even as he looked at me with eyes full of love and understanding, my heart was hurting. There are no words to describe the pain. I wanted nothing more than for him to stay with me – forever. I knew he wouldn’t because what I wanted, what we both wanted, was not allowed. A mother and a son cannot be together like that. 

I began to cry and my son looked at me, his eyes full of compassion and love. He said, “You don’t have to cry.” I replied, “I don’t want you to leave.” The split feeling I experienced was excruciating. 

Message: Finish What You Started

I woke, tears in my eyes, my heart filled with a familiar pain mixed with a powerful love. I had complete understanding of what had just happened. What I was seeing was another life. I don’t think it was a past life, but a future one. What the me in that life had to go through was torture. The heart connection is beyond powerful. It was difficult enough for me to experience it in this life, but to spend 18 very close years as mother and son, and then the rest of my life, with a heart connection, wanting a relationship that could never be, THAT is beyond torture. OMG, how cruel!

I didn’t see beyond that point in time. My guess is the torture would lead me to killing myself. That is what happened in other lifetimes I’ve recalled with my heart connection. I couldn’t take it. It was just too much.

My son in that life was less conflicted than me. He understood that love like ours was special and he didn’t grieve like I did. He knew that no matter where we were, how far apart or how long we were separated, that our love would remain. Yet he still felt pain at our situation. Not only did he feel his pain, but mine, too.

To think that after this lifetime, which has been challenging enough, I have plans to further challenge myself in such a way, is beyond crazy. It definitely puts things in perspective. At least in this life I’m not plagued with guilt about incestual relations! lol

The feelings from the above dream remained for some time. It became clear that part of the message “turn around” has to do with revisiting the heart connection experience. The lessons related to that connection from this lifetime will impact the next. I can’t escape it. 

To return to that lesson, to open up my heart and feel the total decimation again, well that would take tons of courage. I’m not sure I have that kind of courage. Yet, if I am able to overcome and move through the pain, what lies beyond feels magnificent. I think, though, it means making some difficult choices. 

Can I go with the flow like in the second dream? Or will I keep running, avoiding the pain like in the first dream? One thing is clear, when I woke this morning I was relieved. Relieved because, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel numb inside. Feeling my heart blast open, even though muted, made me feel alive. I would rather feel alive, even if it is riddled with pain, than dead. I am tired of feeling dead. 

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Dream: Checking-Out

I’ve entered week three of the lucid dreaming course. So far, I’ve not had success in becoming lucid but my dream recall has skyrocketed. Last night was a marathon of dreams.

Prior to bed I asked for healing. I didn’t specify what kind and left it to my guidance. Two nights ago, I asked to be given the answer to a question, “What is the point of life?” or something similar (can’t recall my exact wording).

Dreams

Cat Supplies

This entire dream was me shopping for supplies for a new cat or kitten. Since the cat wasn’t present, I don’t know the age of the animal. 

I went along the isles looking for a litter box and cat food specifically. The litter box was high up on the shelves and the only one left. I had a worker grab it for me. When he brought it down it was one of those enclosed litter boxes.

When I woke I was thinking about how I would never own a cat and how smelly the litter boxes can be. It occurred to me that perhaps this is symbolic of a return of the feminine in my life/dreams? That is always what cats symbolize for me – the Divine Feminine and Kundalini energy.

Healing

This dream is foggy now but I jotted down some notes and recall the healing portion well.

I remember traveling down a highway (life trajectory) with no cars trying to avoid being caught by someone. My SIL was there so maybe I was avoiding her? 

Then I was laying on a white table as if in a medical setting. Someone was inserting an object into my vagina. I felt a pleasurable, root chakra sensation, but it was very muted in the dream. So much so that I barely recognized what was happening. I was talking to someone and my focus was on the conversation but I cannot recall the words now or even a summary of the discussion.

The healing taking place shifted and I was watching my husband receiving healing of his own. No other person was present that I could see. I felt what he felt and it was pretty much nothing at all. There was only one very brief feeling of pleasure, like a lightening bolt, but it vanished. I recall thinking it peculiar and woke up.

New House

I was purchasing a new house in a city I once lived in. I selected it over a much more expensive one in another area. My sister was with me and we were on a boat (navigating emotion), like one of those covered tourist boats. It was anchored by the pier. I told my sister I was buying the house. Excited, I told her I only had to pay $8K for it and that I planned to get a job teaching in the area. I had a whole plan lined up. She was not happy for me. In fact, she was acting as if she were jealous of me.

Road

This dream was of me traveling very fast along a small, gravel road (life trajectory) in the country. I was flying along and at one point turned around and went back. The road was not the same, though. Instead of being clear, it was overgrown. In some places the grass was so high it was nearly impossible to traverse. I recall having to dodge large patches of overgrowth and other “vehicles”.

When I woke up, the song, “Total Eclipse of the Heart” was going through my head. Specifically, “Turn around” was repeating. 

Visit with Friend

In this dream I arrived at my friend Angela’s house. She and her husband were sitting with me and I was happily telling them about some of my dreams (the ones above). The feeling from them was off, though, and I knew they were thinking, “This isn’t the time for this”, meaning it was not the time for me to talk about myself. They wanted me to be there for them but I was talking about me.

I got up and paced for a bit. I felt a ton of sadness coming up. I felt unwanted. As I looked around the space, I spotted something in the corner of the room. I walked over and saw it was a couple of gallons of cold milk, condensation rolling down the sides of the containers. I picked one up. It was really cold. I poured myself a cold glass of milk (nourishment, maternal instinct, family) as I told my friend, “Sometimes I feel like you want me to get the fuck out.” I burst into tears and woke up.

Checking Out

This dream was similar to another I had not long ago. I was almost lucid it was very vivid.

I stood in line at a grocery store register. As I put my items on the conveyor belt I was having a conversation with someone in my mind while also interacting with the cashier and the others in line with me. 

There was a young, dark haired girl there and I said, “Oh, you’re just a baby!” She was probably in her 20s. When I said this I thought it an odd thing to say and then realized I was “old” and my perspective had changed because of my age. 

When it was time to pay, I didn’t pay with money. Instead, I gave the cashier colored, rectangular pieces of something thick, like plastic. On the ends of each piece were pieces of Velcro of the same color as the piece. I scanned them and with the scan there were words describing aspects of my life, like life themes, along with monetary amounts. I can’t recall them now but altogether they amounted to the total for my groceries. 

While going through the motions of the dream I was thinking about life, imagining life without actual physical aging. I saw a woman (me maybe?) growing up, caught up in life, raising kids and always rushing about. Then I saw the life slowed down and it seemed time was growing short. The contrast between youth and old age was obvious, especially in terms of time. In youth there is tons of time, while in old age time seems fleeting. All along I was considering my own life and how fast it flew by.

Then I was in the bathroom relieving myself when someone banged on the door. They banged so hard the door was moving. I got up and opened the door. Standing there was the young, darked haired girl from before. I asked, “Are you in a hurry to get in here?” She nodded. I stood in the door blocking access. Teasing her, I asked why and she just looked at me like I was stupid. I told her she almost broke the door. Still amused, I stepped aside and let her in. All the while I was thinking about how young she was. The idea “Youth is wasted on the young” comes to me now as I type this. 

I asked my guide why it has to be the way it is, wondering why we have to grow old. Why can’t we just continue in young bodies? He replied to me (and it hit hard), “Everyone has to do it [die]”. I got upset at his words, the images still in my mind of staying forever young. Not necessarily living forever, but living a long life full of youth and vibrancy, without old age creeping in. I said to him, “I don’t want to die” and began to cry, slow, regretful tears. The feeling I had with my words were, “I’m not done yet. I have so much left to do.”

When I woke I lingered in bed for a while. I remember hearing myself say to my guide, “It’s not about me”. With this came full understanding that my requests had been answered.

I asked, “How long?” And heard back, “Soon”. This ultimately woke me and I wondered what I was asking about. My first thought was I was asking how long I had left to live. 

At another point I heard, “You need to move past it.” Instantly I knew “it” was the heart connection experience I had. Initially I thought my guide was wrong but pushed that aside when I felt the sadness that still remained.

Later I realized that part of the reason my dream experiences have been infrequent is because I am avoiding the healing and Knowing that comes with them. When I do have vivid dreams, they are wrought with tears and difficult messages, that’s for sure. 

Thoughts

I lingered in bed for some time thinking of the last dream, especially the part, “It’s not about me”. I could see how I’ve lived my life up until now only for myself – most of us do. Trapped in my own little Universe, I’ve missed out on so much going on around me. It is clear that I need to go about my life from now on reminding myself that “it’s not about me”. Life will show me what it is I am here to do if I just do that. But can I? How do I break a life-long habit? I don’t have much hope. My dream indicates that I am already in the process of “checking-out”. 

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Dreams of Caution

There was a massive solar storm in the last 24 hours. This created disruptions in my sleep patterns. Thankfully, last night I was able to return to my regular sleep cycle. I had very deep sleep and woke up feeling rested and groggy like I could sleep more.

I had some cool dreams. I think keeping a notepad next to my bed and writing down dreams as they happen has been helping my recall. Unfortunately, I did not become lucid at any point in the night.

Dream Message: I’m Ready When You Are

In the first, I was meeting up with a man who resembled an ex who I had a really intense sexual connection with. It felt like a reunion meeting.

In the beginning of the dream, we were both at the bank (reserve energy) where I was making a withdrawal (favorable situation). I had withdrawn a huge bundle of cash and was carrying it around but couldn’t find anywhere to keep it safe because it was too big. I eventually asked the bank teller for an envelope to put it in. I took it with me when I went with the man and I lost track of it after being distracted by him. I was frantic looking for it and he smirked and showed me he had it. I laughed because he was being “cheeky” and remembered this was his usual sense of humor. The message was to “lighten up”.

What I recall the most is that I was enjoying being around him. He made me feel alive. At one point he passionately tossed me on the bed as we were making out. He was curious and questioned why I didn’t have an orgasm right then and there, just from being tossed on the bed. I told him that wasn’t usual for me and he seemed to think it was for other women who had been with him. I thought it strange in the dream but didn’t become lucid because of it. Plus, we didn’t do anything sexual. However, I could feel a strong attraction to him and it felt like we were “together” in the dream.

The man had to leave for a while and was conscious of how this normally would bring me anxiety. I recall telling someone, “I love him” but knowing it was not love but my addiction to the amazing energy shot I was receiving. However, I recognized I had learned from past lessons and so knew it was wise to have some distance between us considering how I tend to get overly energized being around a connection like that for too long. In the dream I was thinking Manifesting Generator (highest energy of all HD types). I recognized that, in the beginning of a relationship with someone with a defined sacral, I tend to crave being around them. It is like a drug and I can’t get enough. They can’t either. I also saw how, after some time, that craving could easily turn around and bite me in the ass. 

When he returned, I was calm and unaffected by his absence. I remember there being an understanding that we had both grown wiser in our time apart. We had matured greatly. He told me that he was gone because his family home had been burglarized and renovations were needed. Only a few things were taken but the damage had to be repaired. 

I woke up, still feeling the amazing energy of connection and thinking about how alive it made me feel. As I began to drift back to sleep, I recognized I was conversing with someone, the man from my dream I think. He said to me, “I’m ready when you are.” This woke me completely and I replied, “I’m ready”. 

What it is I am ready for I am not sure but I ended up returning to sleep and had a series of dreams after.

Dreams of Caution

I was with a group of college aged people. We were lounging on floats in the water (emotion, healing) of a donut-shaped pool. There had been a volcanic eruption (Kundalini) nearby. One of the students, a male, purposefully jumped into the water knowing it could kill him. He died immediately. It was only then I realized how hot the water was as a result of the eruption. I watched his body float away as we all scrambled away from the water. Some of us had been trapped on floats further away and had to risk it and jump in. I was one and when I got in the water was hot but not boiling.

Once out of the water I ended up in a car (life path) driving down a highway in the mountains. My view was obstructed, however, by a heavy blanket and pillows. I kept pushing them out of the way, putting them in the other seats but the blanket was so huge it kept obstructing my view. This happened a few times, scaring me because I couldn’t see the road. On the last time I lost control when I couldn’t see a sharp, downhill turn, and fishtailed into the ditch. Both myself and my car were unharmed.

While this was happening a male voice was talking to me. I suspect what he was saying was what I was seeing/experiencing in the dream. He was warning me. Based upon the symbolism it appears that my high caution and protective measures will obscure my clarity (vision) which could lead to my losing control of my vehicle.

As I was coming out of this dream there was one last part. I was startled by something behind and turned around quickly. Behind me was a massive white semi-truck. It had pulled up behind me and was still running. I heard the male voice ask, “Are you ready?” Semi-truck = hard work, transformation, strength in adversity.

This is the third time in a short period I’ve seen a semi-truck in my dreams.

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Dream: Healing the Wounded Feminine

What a relief! The heavy, tense, depressed energy has cleared and I am feeling so much more positive! 🙂

Dreams

Had some major healing dreams last night. I tried staying awake when I woke around 2am so that I would have a lucid dream or OBE. Instead, I woke a couple of hours later in tears from an intense, eye-opening dream. 

I think there were two dreams very close together that were on the same topic.

In the first one, I was being asked questions about considering a relationship with someone. It played out as both a dream and discussion with interludes in between where I was left to ponder the information.

The visuals were of us meeting in a plain white room to have sex and I would leave despite him wanting me to stay, talk, connect, etc. I wasn’t interested in anything deeper. It was a kind of “friends with benefits” situation but in real life I wouldn’t even call us friends, more like acquaintances. I was asked why I chose to do this and I explained that I didn’t see a point – I have everything I need and want in life. I listed out my children, my home, my job and even my current relationship. It was clear I saw the prospect of having a more meaningful, deeper connection with this guy as a distraction and waste of time.

There wasn’t a distinct shift into the next dream. I entered a room where I watched as a FB acquaintance of mine had agreed to connect with a man. “Connect” here would be defined as coming into Union; a Kundalini connection ie. merging of the masculine and feminine in physical reality. I recognized her straight away. She is stunningly beautiful IMO. She was laying down and the man was kneeling over her. They were facing each other and she had completely let go, opening herself up to him in all ways. In her vulnerability the man had full control and I could feel the energy between them. It was intense but muted in the dream. He asked her to guide him so that he could give her what she wanted and needed. When she told him what she needed he paused and sat back on his heels. Looking at her with a smirk on his face, he said something insulting and degrading but I can’t remember his exact words now. She immediately shut down and curled up into a fetal position. The man laughed. 

I felt horrible for her as I could feel what she was feeling. It was a feeling I knew all too well. I approached her and knelt down beside her. I asked her what she needed. I was shown her wounds. It was quite shocking. I saw a visual of the man cutting away her entire left side. He left it on the ground next to her. It looked like a giant piece of jerky, a cut from her armpit to her hip bone. It was clear the man had stolen a part of her and it had a physical impact as well as an emotional and spiritual one.

Then I was laying down next to her dressed in a white shift. A woman asked me what I needed. It was like I was the other woman as well as myself. I could feel everything she felt plus my own stuff. I told her how I felt but the memory of it is not in words but in actual feelings. The feeling is immense grief, sadness and depression, more than any person should have to carry. I wanted only to sleep, to somehow escape the heaviness of it all. 

It was at this time I reached out my hand and found the hand of the other woman who was laying injured beside me. I could see her delicate hands almost lifeless next to me. I gently opened her fingers and held her hand. She gripped my hand and I took my other hand and placed it on top. The message I sent her was, “You’re not alone. We’re in this together.” When I did this I began to sob. It was as if I could feel all the pain and grief of every woman who has ever existed. 

Realization

I woke up with tears still streaming down my face and processed all the information that was still coming through from the dream. 

Prior to sleep I had watched a show about the Yanomami Indians of Brazil. I had studied this group when in college and so was interested in how things had changed since then. In the end, it reminded me of how important balance is, not only to the planet but to humanity. I had gone to sleep thinking of this balance, especially between masculine and feminine.

I had also decided that if I woke in the night and had slept for at least five hours that I would try to stay awake long enough to sort of “reset” my sleep clock so that I could more easily lucid dream or go OOB. So, around 2am, this is what I did. I had a sense that something was going to happen anyway, but I didn’t know what.

Why this sense? For two nights prior I had dreams of driving trucks. In one it was a semi-truck and in another just a regular truck. Both were white. I rarely dream of trucks and it is even rarer that I’m driving. Trucks in general represent hard work. In both dreams the context indicated healing work. There was also focus on the second chakra, which I have long had issues with (most women do).

So when I awoke there was complete understanding about the healing taking place and why. 

The first dream indicates that I am avoiding deeper connections, specifically with men. I give many reasons for this, but the real reason is revealed in dream two. It became crystal clear to me that I push away deeper connections with men because of a massive wound, a wound that all women have. It is the result of men misusing their power over women, using it to control, manipulate, abuse and enslave. 

Though I don’t mention it in the second dream, I could feel the very natural, vulnerability of being a woman along with the many gifts of the feminine. That vulnerable feeling is our natural state. We are made to be healers, to nurture and protect our children, to nourish our family, to flow in love and support of others. We willingly open ourselves up to the masculine as our protectors and initiators of change. To feel this way is a relief but with it comes something unnatural – fear. I now understand that fear more fully. 

In the Yanomami documentary, the women of the tribe get to a point where they have to come together in order to provide what the men cannot. The men can’t find enough game to hunt because of changes in the ecosystem brought about by heavy mining by the white man. Their water has been tainted with mercury and the forest cut down. Many of the men go with the miners back to the city and don’t come back. So the woman have had to take on the additional role of provider. They weave baskets to trade for food.

The wound I carry and all women carry was very obvious in the early morning hours. I asked my guidance, “How do I heal it?” The answer I received was, “A man”, and saw that the only way to heal, for me at least, was to find a man who can fully step into his role. The hardest part for me would be to open up fully to him, to be vulnerable and allow him the power I fear he will abuse. 

The only way to overcome fear is to face it. 

I could also see how many women have chosen other women to fulfill the masculine role. The acquaintance in dream two is one of those women. I know instinctively this is not a path for me. However, it is often other women who are best at helping one another find their hidden feminine gifts. Society has taught women to be more masculine than they are naturally inclined to be. We have to rediscover our feminine nature. For me, it has been through K connection (merging) that I’ve finally glimpsed my full, feminine potential. 

Finally, it was crystal clear that any healing I do on myself is also done on all women. Like I said in the dream, “We’re in this together.” 

I know it is possible for me to do what is needed, to be fully open and vulnerable. I have done it before. In the past I was not given what I needed, similar to the dream, so I retreated and my walls went back up. I doubt I will ever trust this particular individual again and it saddens me. I wish I wasn’t so cautious. I wish my natural defense mechanisms wouldn’t kick in automatically, but they do. My Ego/logical mind says, “Protect yourself. Take care of yourself.” 

This song was on my mind when I woke. When I researched the lyrics this section indicated to me:

So, I made you think that I would always stay
I said some things that I should never say
Yeah, I broke your heart like someone did to mine
And now you won’t love me for a second time