Category Archives: kundalini

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Dream: Meeting the Devil

Some dreams to report (haven’t had good recall lately).

Dream: Meeting the Devil

I dreamed I met with the devil and we had a talk. lol I don’t really remember much of the dream but when I woke I knew I had a heart-to-heart with the devil. I vaguely recall sitting across from a shadowy male figure and feeling a sense of shame. As I woke I heard, “It’s not your fault. Forgive yourself.” With this came an understanding that there is no right or wrong, just lessons. 

I feel my talk with the devil was actually a conversation with my shadow self – the part of me I would rather not acknowledge exists.

Dream: Return of the Dark Haired Man

Initially, I was in a room with my mom in an unfamiliar setting that seemed to be from the distant past. I was wearing a blue, fitted dress from perhaps the late 1800’s to early 1900’s. My mom had decided to take my sister somewhere and didn’t invite me. I was upset and asked her how she could intentionally forget to invite me. My feelings were hurt. Note: I’ve had similar dreams of my mom and sister suggesting past lives where my drug addicted sister was the “favorite” and I was invisible. This suggests this lifetime may be a reversal of that lifetime, perhaps to gain perspective.

The scene shifted and I was on a race track (fast track – guides mentioned this in previous dreams) like one would see at a school. I could see the dotted lines separating the individual lanes on the dark asphalt. I turned to look behind me and saw a young man with dark hair sitting in the bleachers. His knees were pulled up to his chest and he seemed to be wearing a hospital gown or robe. I could see his arms wrapped around his bare legs for comfort. I felt from him that he was in pain, emotional pain, from heartbreak and other similar life events. I felt immense love for him and resisted an urge to go up to him. I remember thinking, “He’s like me.” Then, as I stared at him he looked up at me and I thought, “I wonder if he feels the same (draw)?”

I turned away from the man and continued along the track. As I “ran” (don’t remember having legs), I ended up on this one-wheeled skateboard-type thing (hoverboard?). I remember flying along the track which then morphed into a room and other places. I think I was at a school (lessons to learn). I zoomed so fast around corners and objects I felt I might fall off the thing but never did. It was exhilarating.

The scene shifts and I find myself at a dock (departure point) standing solidly on my feet next to some people. There was activity and a large ship (collective journey, emotional) behind me, but I can’t recall the details now or the people. The dark haired young man approached me and I immediately felt drawn to him. Someone behind me made a comment and laughed. The comment was something like, “Oh no, there he is…..” It felt like they were making fun of me and my relationship with the man. The dark haired man stood there for a bit and I couldn’t help but inch closer and closer to him. The people there snickered, but I ignored them. I just had to be as close to him as possible. The draw was impossible to ignore. I remember thinking, “I just want to be near him.” 

Reflection

Of course, I woke after this, recognizing the familiar magnetic feeling. Was this young man the same dark haired man/boy from my past? If so, was it a sign that I needed to contact my heart connection? I can do that because we follow each other on Instagram, but should I? Or is this dream merely a sign that the “link” is being restored like I was told in yesterday’s dream? 

Oh, I guess I should recount yesterday’s dream for context – it was the tail end of a dream. I saw a figure above me reaching up. He said, “We have to restore the link”. It felt like a spiritual link of some kind but I woke soon after and got no further information.

Something interesting from the dream is the person laughing about a possible relationship between me and the dark haired man. When I first had dreams and OBEs with the darked haired man/boy I had similar encounters with people who seemed to find my draw to him, and him to me, hilarious. It always bothered me because, for me at least, the draw is exceptionally real and difficult to resist and the love is overwhelming. However, considering my first dream with the devil brought up shame, it could be they are laughing not at me but at the situation. The heart connection, for me, caused me to feel shame and guilt because, at the time, I was married with three young children. That is not the case now, though. So, perhaps the laughing was there to remind me of my shame.

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Reviewing my HD Chiron Return Recording

Listened to the recording of my HD Chiron Return reading last night. 

The first thing that caught my attention was my voice. It was hard to listen to; grating. Is this what I sound like to people right now? Geez! I immediately felt bad for the 5/1 Mental Projector giving me the reading. I was often talking more than her. I recognized this came from a sense of desperation, from a severe lack of being invited to speak my mind while another listens and gives me space. It has been so long since my voice/perspective has been genuinely requested by another and the result was this not-self version of my voice. 

The good thing is that I noticed the grating of my voice lessened at certain times. If I was coming from a place of my not-self it was more intense and grating, hard to listen to. If I was coming from a place of genuine Knowing, or my G center (heart in regular chakra terms), then my voice was much smoother. My voice has never been something I like to hear, just because it sounds so different from how it sounds from within, but hearing this recording screamed/demanded recognition. True recognition isn’t demanded, it is gifted. 

Regardless, I listened past the tone of my voice and tried to focus on what the analyst was saying. I wish I had given her more space to do her job. I don’t like appearing super needy. I’ve actually accused (been accusing) my ex of this more times than I can count. Now I recognize that criticism of him was a hidden revelation of self. 

Thankfully the analyst recognized that I, as a SPP, needed to be asked specific questions in order to pull out the wisdom I don’t know I have. Her questions revealed exactly what lies ahead, my path and purpose clearly stated by myself more than once. She also reminded me of my purpose via her knowledge of my chart. Everything is in the chart/bodygraph. Spotting past decisions in the chart is easier than predicting future ones, though. For example, she showed me where, during my Uranus Opposition, there was fixed condition in my personality earth – Gate 1: The Creative, line 3, the energy to sustain creative work:

(Detriment) Material forces can disrupt creativity and lead to overambition. Materialism disrupts creativity.

This part of my personality impacted my decision to wait until the right time to leave my husband. In my previous marriage, I gave up material gain and later regretted it. The next four years I was hindered by the need to make money and survive. I decided I didn’t want this to happen again, so I waited until the right time and gathered resources while I waited. The resources I gathered and acquired via the divorce ensured I would not be hindered by material concerns. The analyst said that this decision set in motion events leading to the present. My Chiron chart shows evidence of this preparation as well: Gate 14. 

The gate is called Prosperity. In the traditional Chinese translation, it’s called Possession In Great Measure. It’s a gateway of harvesting. An effort is made, implemented, and the result is you reap the results of your labor. It’s very specific how this all takes place. And it says there is a knack in learning to embody genuine ease in situations involving resources of property, wealth, and affluence. 

I have line 2 which states that I recognize I need help to acquire this wealth. It also (detriment) can be that I think I can do it all on my own without anyone’s help. In my case, I recognized that I needed my ex and his business to create wealth and that I needed his agreement to accumulate some for myself. I was able to get his agreement and so succeeded. 

There were other instances of this but this was the most mind-blowing, IMO. The analyst agreed. 

Towards the end we got to my life beyond the Chiron Return and what that will look like. If I make it through this gauntlet I will be a completely new person. Somehow the question about how that might look to me came up. My response was that I believed I came here to help and so, based upon how my life has played out thus far, I believe my next “life” will involve a significant romantic relationship. My life thus far, my purpose and direction, has been via my romantic relationships. I help them and when I am done I move on. This next relationship must be just right. There will be no settling or accepting anything less than what I want. I mentioned I believe it will be a K-Connection and we will work together with that connection. I told her the connection is a necessity because I will not accept anything else. The Divine Love and Oneness I experienced has made normal, human, transactional love repellant to me. The exact “work” we will do together didn’t come up but it will be related to the Kundalini in some way.

The analyst brought up how, in HD, the solar plexus is going through a transformation and is shifting from an energy center to an awareness center. The transactional love humans experience here is “foreign” (perhaps implanted to hinder our evolution) and is on its way out. Part of this transition can already be seen. Love will be a whole new experience after 2027 but the transition will be gradual. She believes I might be here to be an example of what love is suppose to be pointing to my cross (purpose) during the Chiron, the Right Angle Cross of Contagion.

Finally, I said some things that helped bring clarity to my current situation. I had an interview on Friday and was not sure if I wanted to take the job if offered. Part of me does but another part of me doesn’t. I stated during my reading that I should “walk away” from my life, but am struggling with leaving my kids behind as it would be considered “abandoning” them. I suggested I take a long cruise or trip that kept me away 6-12 months and let the cards fall where they may while I’m gone. I even mentioned that, while I don’t know what will take me away for that length of time, I do feel that timing is key. Something will come along at the right time that will feel correct and I will leave. 

How does this relate to my current situation? Well, when listening to my own Knowing on the recording, I recognized working at a school was not what I want to do and doing so would only repeat old patterns that no longer serve me. I don’t need to work, so why not take this time to work on me and enjoy not working? When I had this realization my guide came forward and held out his hand. He asked me if I was ready and reminded me I had help and was not alone. There was a Knowing with his request that taking his hand meant making some difficult changes, not just in life decisions but in myself. Change takes time, especially change that involves breaking unhealthy habits (weak boundaries, accepting the wrong invitations regularly, being a people pleaser, giving into others requests/demands despite it not being correct for me, etc.) I took his hand and burst into tears.

I was able to get a glimpse of the future me. I recognized her. I’ve been her before. I AM her. I just have to clear the cobwebs and debris from my life so her light can shine as brightly as intended.

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Message: All it Takes is a Spark

I had a dream that was fairly long and detailed, though I can’t recall the conversations in it much. The man in it reminded me first of one person and then of another but I distinctly recall looking at his face and it was an oval, golden globe of moving light. He was also very tall, towering over me, and completely naked (I think I was, too). Funny enough, I can’t remember if his body was also made of light. lol

We were in a bedroom discussing my life and he was asking me questions, which I happily answered. I WISH I could remember the conversation! Anyway, I remember mentioning eating chicken breast and talking about how much I enjoyed keeping my body active and healthy. I was in a very good mood and super comfortable with him, laughing and talking a million miles a minute. He remained calm, listening intently, and told me how fascinated he was with me. He told me, “You’re amazing” or something close to that. I told him he was, too, and hugged him, wrapping my arms around his neck joyfully. We hugged a long time and I sensed from him sadness connected to a belief he wasn’t good enough. Recognizing myself in him, I began to kiss him on his neck to reassure him that he was and always will be enough. He put his hand on my back and stroked my shoulder lovingly. I could feel from him that he had genuine love and appreciation for all that I am.  His touch sent chills down my spine, spreading into my root and expanding outward. The energy of it woke me. 

I was immediately upset that I woke from the dream. Why must I always wake up when it starts getting good!? A male guide was close, reassuring me. He told me what I experienced in the dream was a good thing and asked me why I avoided it. I told him I felt it led to bad things and I prefer to not experience pain, hurt, and disappointment. I was recalling the two Kundalini connections I’ve had and how they both led to disappointment and immense pain, the first much more than the second. I was reminded that what I felt was the energy of creation. To feel it is to feel ALIVE. I agreed and would love to feel it again, but not if it isn’t consistent and no lasting relationship comes of it. My experiences with it have made me very wary of K connections. Yet, I wish to totally lose myself to another, to come into complete Union. I don’t understand it.

I’ve only seen a golden man like in this dream one other time and it was also tied to the Kundalini. He was teaching me. I think he said he was my “tantra teacher”. At the time, though, I just saw him in the corner of the room, standing and looking back at me. The sight of him woke me immediately because it was so unusual. This time seeing him like that didn’t cause any reaction, I just remembered it vividly when I woke. The most vivid part is how the golden energy moved, little tiny sparks of light like golden fireflies trapped in a jar.

My guide told me, “All it takes is a spark”. Then I was shown a vision of how my energy body would slowly catch fire and not long after be engulfed in flames. I didn’t reject this at all as it seems it is always some catalyst that creates this response in me. I tend to have no control over who does it or when it happens. It takes me by complete surprise. 

It felt like my guide was showing me a glimpse of my future. If so, I’m not totally against it happening but it needs to be correct for me. I’m not looking for marriage or a traditional relationship. I don’t even think a live-in situation would work for me. I can’t deal with expectation weighing me down. I don’t want to deal with another man child, or be constantly pursued for sex, as if that is my only value. Above all, though, I need to feel absolutely safe with whoever it is.

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Kundalini Dream: Self-Directed Flow

I was standing in the center of a garden courtyard of what appeared to be an ancient temple or castle. There were others around, mostly standing near the edges of my vision and out of sight. I was wearing a long, flowing, white gown or robe. The events prior to this part of the dream are extremely hazy. All I recall is there was some discussion of “fence cutting” and interaction with a few others, one being a young boy with light brown hair wearing a huge grin.

Feet solidly grounded on the earth, I held my hands up, spread my fingers wide and began to use my hands to summon energy up from my feet into my legs, hips and on upward. I remember feeling powerful and confident as I did this, as if I had done it a million times before. The sense was that I was a priestess or someone with similar spiritual training. As the energy moved upward it grew in intensity, ballooning outward as it spread. When the energy hit my root and second chakras it exploded to the point that I became super conscious in the dream. Unfortunately, the intensity mixed with sudden awareness (which surprised me) instantly transported me back to my bed and my physical body where the residual energy lingered for quite some time. 

I couldn’t return to sleep from the excitement I felt. I have never had a K dream in which I was the one who initiated the K in myself. Normally someone else is helping me or interacting with me, seeming to be the initiator of the energy. Not only that, but I was aware of being fully in control and felt powerful and confident about it. It is quite a different feeling than when I am with another or when another seems to be helping move the energy for me.

It was obvious the energy was mine, or me, or however you prefer it. It was very clear and refreshing, like the sense one gets after a Spring rain, flowing and cleansing as it progressed upward. Yet at the same time the desirous sensations that often arise with root chakra were very obviously present, but not in such a way as to make me feel the effect of them.

It is easy to think with the K that someone else is somehow sparking the K fire inside me. Especially since most of my K experiences were in conjunction with someone who I felt a connection to I couldn’t quite explain. This K experience felt empowering and freeing. Even though it did not fully rise, as it has in other instances, I am not disappointed. It felt like it may have burst through a blockage in my second chakra also, which is always welcome! 

I do hope to have more experiences like this one. 🙂

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Snakes and Skeletons

I’ve had several snake encounters lately. It could just be the time of year but I can’t help but take notice.

Snakes for me equal the Kundalini. I wish I could say I had some Kundalini experiences to report, but I don’t. Nothing for a while and if I do have any inklings of the K, they are mild in comparison to what they once were.

This snake I nearly stepped on during my evening walk around the pond. It is a diamondback water snake – harmless. He was about 3ft long.

This is a McKay’s brown snake. Tiny (less than 12 inches) but fierce! Again, I nearly stepped on him. This time when taking out the trash.

After the above snake encounters, I found a snake skeleton on the path around the pond this weekend. It seems symbolic of the death of part of myself. I’m not sure which. Perhaps my divorce or a stage in my life or even the Kundalini itself, which has basically gone dormant – or all three. Regardless, I decided to honor that death by digging a hole and burying the skeleton. I said goodbye to whatever it was that was ending. 

I’ve been feeling very done with life. When I think, “What do I want” (because my guides like to ask me that), all I think of is being free of this body and this physical reality (returning Home, ending this incarnation). The next thing I think of is sleeping because when I sleep I experience a short freedom from this place. Even if I can’t recall my dreams it is better than being awake and going through the motions of life. 

Don’t read this part if you are super attached to mankind, Earth and this physical experience…..

I’ve often wished that this physical reality would be destroyed in a major disaster – like end-of-the-world scenario. Yes, it would kill my loved ones and myself. Yes, it would be awful, but I know that whatever pain it caused would vanish immediately upon death and there would be no loss, no pain, no misery because we would all gather on the Other Side of this mess. I’ve experienced what lies beyond and find it difficult to understand how anyone could be so attached to this physical experience. If they only Knew!

Recently my guidance has been trying to get messages through to me. One was a message I’ve long heard, “Listen.” Another was something about traveling to the cosmos or something for an “intervention”. That is fine by me, if they think it will work. If I can’t get out of this body and physical incarnation, then a dose of Home is always welcomed. So far, giving me the experience of Home has kinda backfired I think because it makes me more determined to get the hell outta this place. lol 

It wouldn’t be so bad if I had something to motivate me here. Something, anything, to look forward to. Usually, I use the next stage or step in life as my motivation. The only stage left for me is old age, slow deterioration and then death. I do look forward to death, just not the long path to it. Maybe I will luck out and not have the long, deteriorating part?

I do recognize all my blessings, I do, but no amount of material things can fill this void inside. I love my land, my pond, my new space – I do! I love that I have the freedom to buy whatever I want/need. I love my children. I love my dog. I love that I am strong and healthy and still can sleep deeply through the night. I try to focus on my blessings. I am good at distracting myself with activities or projects, but that is all they are – distractions. I can’t ever get away from the emptiness inside, the continued sense of numbness, the void of nothingness and, most of all, the Knowing that Home is just on the “Other Side” of this simulation. 

I also recognize that I have been in this place before and it will eventually pass. Something will happen to ignite my curiosity and send me down another rabbit hole. Or maybe “someone”, since my path seems linked to the path of my partners in this life. But, honestly, I don’t want another partner if it means an oversized child to take care of or the expectations that go along with a relationship. And marriage? Hell no! Never again. 

This is also what Human Design says is my experience (my only defined channel is the 1-8) – not Knowing (most of the time) with occasional “ah-ha” moments of clarity and Knowing that propel me in the direction I am meant to travel. Sadly, those ah-ha moments are so few and far between and I end up waiting endlessly (Projector curse) for some sense of clarity, grasping at anything that seems like it might lead to it only to find that, once again, I am wrong and there was never any clarity to begin with.

I am still recovering from the Kundalini experiences of my past. I don’t understand why it happened, why the ET stuff happened, and why I had all the amazing OBEs and transformational experiences. Then they all just….stopped. Abruptly it seems. And now it is like they were only a dream and sometimes it is like they never happened at all. Just smoke and mirrors as the song goes. The only thing that remains is this empty void inside and a more intense longing for Home than ever before. 

Sometimes I think my experiences have left me with a kind of PTSD. I relate strongly with NDE’ers. So many of their stories are similar to my own, but I never actually had a near death, not really, just a “spiritually transformative experience” as ACISTE calls them. Sometimes I wish for an actual near death experience – maybe then I would understand??

Okay, so this is just me rambling now. If you have read this far – I apologize for the darkness of this post. I hope I didn’t bring you down in any way, especially since this is Easter, a day celebrating the resurrection of Christ.

Well, I did just bury the snake/Kundalini/old me, or whatever. Perhaps a resurrection is on the horizon. 

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Kundalini Dream: Heart Bliss Overwhelm

Slept really well and had a K dream!

The first part of the dream involved me helping an old dog. He was brown and very, very large, almost like a mastiff. I took him to a house where someone I knew said I could leave him. I had to leave him in a small room for the majority of the day because the owner of the home had people in and out and she did not want him in the main living spaces, especially a bedroom that she was renting to a woman. 

I mostly recall loving the dog very much and being very concerned for him. He was super old and barely could get around. At one point he had escaped outside and I was very upset. Thankfully, he had stopped to investigate a women walking her two poodles. The poodles didn’t like him and started aggressively trying to bite him. The old dog just turned around towards me and I took him back inside.

Somehow the old dog turned into an old man who I was helping. The house shifted to become a tiny house community for old people. The facilitator of the community gave me a piece of paper with the rules and the cost of the space. I remember wondering why I was being charged anything since it had been free for the first month. They also did the laundry at no cost. When I questioned her she said, “Everyone must do their part.” I explained that I had been by doing 3+ hours of work where the community needed it. I then asked about the old man. Would he have a place to stay? Would they find him work? Both answers were yes. He would have his own tiny home and a job right there in the community working as a mechanic. 

I remember holding the community plan in my hand. It was well written and impressive. I held onto it, thinking it could be a blueprint to use for other similar tiny house communities. I thought of how much good it would do for people like the old man I had been helping, if only there were more communities like it.

Kundalini Dream: Heart Bliss Overwhelm

The dream shifted at this point and I found myself talking to a coworker about a dream I had. As I was describing the dream, I hid the fact that he was in the dream. The dream visual I recall just showed us across from one another and included heart bliss. The coworker interrupted me and said, “Are you sure I wasn’t in that dream?” I confessed that he was. He said, “I had that dream, too.” 

Shocked, there was a pause and the energy between us felt super charged. I lost my breath for a moment as he moved closer. His eyes were intense and staring into mine. I couldn’t look away. The energy began to swirl in all my chakras with the most intensity in the heart and second chakra. I couldn’t believe this was my coworker nor could I believe I was having a K dream (it caused me to become lucid).

We stared into each other’s eyes for what seemed like forever. For some reason he turned and went out of the room. I stood there in shock, the bliss swirling throughout. 

I realized I was in the same house as the previous dream – the one where the old dog and later old man had been with me. I remember very little here except the recollection of the previous dream and the bliss energy that still swirled through me.

I must have gotten lost in the energy because everything around me vanished and I found myself in a black void. In front of me was my coworker. He had laid his head in my lap and was staring up at me. The energy between us only intensified after that and I was almost overwhelmed by the beauty of it. The heart bliss is so exquisite! What is really odd is that as I looked at his face it shifted. His skin turned iridescent and took on a scale-like appearance. The skin shifted color, pulsating. It was beautiful! I remember recognizing him as nonhuman and this didn’t bother me at all. 

The scene shifted again and I returned to the tiny house community. I recall only that I was directed to look at the scene anew. As I did, my heart was flooded with every emotion imaginable. I began to sob. The intensity of all the emotions, swirling together, was overwhelming. I had felt it before and my recognition was acknowledged by a guide who was close but out of sight. I felt immense love for the dog, the old man, and every homeless or unfortunate soul that ever existed. I also felt love for those not in such dire straights. From the lowest of the low to the richest to the most generous – I loved them all. The purity of the love, the compassion, just kept building and building. I told my guide I couldn’t take anymore because I didn’t know how to handle it. What do I do with all the love? My guide reassured me as I was pulled out of the scene. The intensity of the love reduced to a more tolerable level. I exhaled in relief, tears pouring out of my eyes. 

I woke at this point my heart still wide open and all chakras below it swirling with energy. It took a while but I was able to return to sleep. 

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Dream Message: Go Home.

Lots of vivid dreams last night.

The first one I recall most vividly was set in India. I found myself amongst a group of tourists traveling in India. I was confused as to how I got there and remember feeling confused most of the dream. Me and a couple of women were visiting a temple. As we stood at its entrance, I decided I wanted to take a picture. I centered on the temple entrance and took a pic with my phone. Then I suggested me and the other two women get a picture of us together at the entrance. I said I could take it and pulled out my iPad. I took a picture but when I went to retrieve it, I noticed the settings had been wrong and the camera was not facing the right direction. I wanted to take another but the older women with us got huffy and impatient. She seemed very annoyed with me in general.

Our group ended up inside a large building that was open to the outside. We sat together at this meeting space waiting for everyone to get there so we could move on as a group. There were others there, none I recognized but all obviously part of our larger group. The space was somewhat noisy and reminded me of an open air market.

Next, I remember the scene shifting suddenly and I was face to face with a young Indian man. He looked very much like the dark haired man who use to visit me in dreams long ago. With him came the Kundalini. I noticed he had what looked like tiny, white circular bugs with six legs in his hair. I said something to him but he just stared towards the other side of the room. I remember thinking the man was handsome. 

I inched closer to the man to investigate the tiny bugs when I heard someone say something. When I turned towards the voice to answer the Indian man vanished and the entire open aired meeting space returned to my visual field. Everyone in the group had left and I was alone except for a couple of others who had also been left behind. We walked out of the building trying to find the rest of the group.

Again, my consciousness seemed pulled from the scene. This time I was on a boat with a woman. The water was dark blue and very rough, the boat tipping drastically from one side to the other. The woman had with her a massive turtle. The turtle was almost as large as the boat, his shell marked with beautiful gold and green patterns. She and the turtle fell overboard and, not long after, I did, too. The turtle came forward, offering its shell. I grabbed on.  

As I floated there with the massive turtle, a snake-like, metallic creature rose up out of the water. Instead of scales, it had silver, linked metal bands going up and down it’s snake-like neck. It’s head was rounded at the top with a point at the tip. It’s mouth opened, reddish eyes flashing. I was certain I was about to be eaten when I noticed a man sitting on a chair inside the open jaws of the beast. He was wearing what looked like a space suit. He, the chair and controls, were completely protected behind glass. Was it the man I saw earlier in the open aired building in India? It didn’t take me long to realize the snake was no snake but some kind of craft.  

My fear dissipated and I watched in awe as the snake head bowed and then stopped inches from me. 

This is when I heard, “Go home.” It was a whisper in my right ear and very, very audible. Before I had a chance to react, I heard again, “Go home.” The voice was raspy and masculine. As I heard it, I felt myself shift into my physical body, the dream scene with the metallic snake disappearing along with the visual of the space man.

I woke and couldn’t return to sleep. The dream felt almost like I had entered into another life but then was plucked from it as if someone was trying to get my attention. I wondered about what the voice said. Home. Which home? What did he mean?

I fell back to sleep with these questions on my mind.

I entered another dream. This time I was in a small house. I could see a sofa and full living room. My husband’s family was there. They were talking amongst themselves and I brought up my India dream. I specifically brought up the message I received – Go home. I went over all the details of the dream with them as if trying to remember everything I could about it.

I remember asking them, “What does ‘Go home’ mean to you?” My BIL said he thought of it as his family – his children and his wife. My SIL said something similar. Everyone had a slightly different definition of “home”. It seemed to me like “home” was something only the heart knew. 

The scene shifted and I was outside walking through thigh high grass. I reached my left hand out and let it graze the top of the grass as I sang the Lord’s Prayer aloud. My dream self knew this place and knew exactly where I was going. I was heading down the valley to my meditation hut.

As I got closer to where the hut was suppose to be, I noticed the hut was absent, the spot where it should be was a green patch of grass.  There was a man doing work in the area on a well located near the absent hut. I asked him where the hut was. He said it had been in horrible shape so they tore it down. I was disappointed and said, “I was going to meditate there.” The man said no one had used it for years. 

I remember looking around, noting the empty spot where the hut use to be, taking in the scene. There were tall oak trees with green, grassy meadows in between. It was very peaceful.

Vision: Caged Bird

When I woke up I was still thinking of what “home” meant. I spoke with my guides about it. They were asking me to Remember. It seemed like I was being asked to continue where I had left off. This evoked fear in me and I almost started to cry. 

I was presented with a visual. It was a bird in a cage. I said, “It can’t sing.” I heard my guide say, “Or fly.” Then the scene flashed and the visual returned but the cage was empty. I knew the bird was dead. The door to the cage was unlocked but closed. 

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Kundalini Dream: Distracting Myself

I had my first Kundalini dream in ages last night. I awakened within the dream and stayed lucid for some time before the intensity of the energy finally woke me. It was the wonderful heart bliss! 

I was in my Mom’s kitchen kneeling down by the cabinets near the sink when I became semi-lucid. I was talking to a man who looked very much like Pedro Pascal (The Mandalorian). He was in the living room talking to me and my back was to him most of the time. I could feel the heart bliss only slightly as I was focused on shuffling through some things under the sink. I don’t remember all that he said but the more he spoke to me, the more the heart bliss intensified. When I saw him I thought how similar he looked to the actor but that thought was interrupted by him asking me something about a “mirror”. I got up and went into my old bedroom. 

The dream shifted to my bedroom where I sat focused yet again on a box or something (I can’t remember what). I was sitting or kneeling in the corner when I heard the man asked me, “Why are you in here?” I said to him, “I’m distracting myself [from the feeling]”. Just turning and replying to his question shot a surge of bliss to my heart. I began to lose my breath which is my typical response. I also started to cry because of how amazingly beautiful it was. I could see his face distinctly now and the bliss just intensified. There was more conversation, mostly how I was afraid of the bliss and other things. I do recall the word “mirror” came up again, also. It was like he was counseling me, trying to get me to recognize there is nothing to fear, that this bliss IS me.

As we were talking, I awoke and the bliss remained. I could feel it expanding upward and downward but it never did so fully. Instead I could feel my root light up ever so slightly and again lost my breath. Memory of other times this has happened but to the full extent came to me. It is spectacular, like I am exploding in love. The love shooting simultaneously out of my crown and root. Again, I was reminded that everything I am feeling is me and to not be afraid. The energy continued for some time only finally subsiding when I rolled over and returned to sleep.

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Dream Message to Myself: That Feeling Will Never Go Away

Had a dream that very much could’ve been an OBE had I been lucid enough. In it I was at my mom’s house in the front yard. A boy and some other young people were running about. The boy said, “Can you do this?” and floated up in the air and lingered for a bit. I told him I could and began jumping around and floating/flying. I ended up in the trees a couple of times and one time a branch swung back and hit me.

Somehow I noticed a depressed girl separate from the group. I can’t recall why she got my attention now, but I went over to her to see if I could help. I told her I understood how she felt. She was feeling homesick and out of place in this world. The feeling was really getting to her and causing her to get little accomplished. I hugged her tight and told her “that feeling will never go away”. When I said this, I burst into tears. My crying woke me up.

I remember feeling lonely and isolated here, and, of course, homesick. I was told how important it is that I surround myself with “my people”. It seems hopeless to do that being there are so few. I can count on one hand those who feel like they fit that description and most have gone from my life now.

In HD my unique bodygraph indicates there will very few people I meet who fit the description of “my people”. The rest won’t be. Some might seem like it but aren’t. I must be wary of those who want to possess me and never let me go. It makes me very sad.  It is hard enough to be homesick like I am but then to be so lonely because so very, very few “get” me or even “see” me at all. The older I get, the more invisible I feel I am becoming. 

Chiron/Kiron Return and the 6th Line

I am fast approaching the age of 48. This is the year when life begins to shift in preparation for the Chiron return. I’ve been waiting for this change for a long time – all my life, actually. The Chiron return is when the 6th line is done waiting for the next step or next cycle. It is the culmination of a life’s work.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like it is nearing the time when I need to come out of my hermit hole and reintegrate with society/people. Most recently I’ve been the complete opposite. I want nothing to do with people, their drama or insanity. I’ve become very cynical and just want everyone to leave me alone. This is still how I feel for the most part, yet I’ve started to feel an inner nudge to let go of the cynicism and solitude and begin reintegrating into society. I’m not sure how to do this after so many years of withdrawal.

The dream says a lot in regards to how my isolation and cynicism has been affecting me. It also reminds me that the feeling that I’ve carried with me from the beginning of this life (homesickness) is not going to go away. Hiding from it or trying to push it away by distracting myself with this or that will not change how I feel. Where in the past this feeling was the impetus for my movement forward, it is now threatening that very progress.

I’ve had some “coincidental” interactions of late that seem to all point to what I wrote in the above paragraph. For example, I reconnected with an old friend (one of “my people”) which sparked a Remembering and helped me recognize my denial. I also recently recalled how passionate I use to be about helping people. I took risks I would never take today, mostly risks that involved putting myself “out there”. No matter how often I failed or stumbled, I got back up, and still saw the best in others. At some point, unfortunately, I decided there was no hope to be found in others. Deciding they will disappoint and hurt me. So, I retreated to lick my wounds and stew in my bitterness.

It is time to let go of what was in order to move into what will be. It is time to rekindle that simple Knowing that I have come here to fulfill a purpose – to help. Perhaps that feeling of homesickness, that intense grief of something indescribable and somewhat unattainable while I have a body, is the thing that needs releasing? Could it be that I am holding onto it so desperately that it is eroding my very Being, causing me to Forget and leading me into darkness?

I find it ironic that these insights are coming to me at the very time I am constructing a cabin on 10 acres, far away from the city, the politics and the people that make me cringe on a daily basis. It wouldn’t surprise me if I never live in it. Perhaps just the construction of it is enough? Still, though, it’s creation is in process, so that in itself could be the message: Not yet. Use this time to heal. Creation is healing. And I laugh a little because Creation, the creative force, is at the heart of us all. The Kundalini has taught me that.

As I was saying, there have been “coincidental” happenings lately that point towards the coming change. The woman I’ve been speaking with from the UK who has the same HD bodygraph as me was why I began thinking of that time before my Saturn Return. Back then I was open, somewhat naive and very intent on finding and living my purpose. It was her that helped me recognize how far I’ve come from that version of myself. I think Chiron will show me how to mutate the old me (pre and post-Saturn Return) into the new me.

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Dream: Black Hole Sun (Eclipse)

I had a string of interesting dreams last night. But first, I want to share a vision I keep having. I’ve seen it both in dreams and upon waking. In the first one, a dream, I saw myself with blue painted fingernails and wearing blue clothing. I inspected my fingernails, noting the strange blue tinge and trying to figure out why they were blue. In the visions I’ve had, the last of which was last night, I saw myself with blue skin. 

At first, I thought it must be indicating a chakra, maybe the throat chakra, but this blue was not that color blue. Instead, it was lighter and seemed almost to glow.

My next thought was it was exactly the same color of the blue Hindu gods and goddesses. I did look up why the gods and goddesses of Hinduism are blue. Mostly the blue coloring is for Vishnu, meant to depict the color of rain clouds, so more of a steel gray, but sometimes it is brighter blue, like the color I have been seeing in my visions. Blue is the color of the sky and sea, one reflects the other and neither actually has any color at all. Thus, blue is the color of infinity. Hindu Scriptures declare the Ultimate reality to be inconceivable and inexpressible, beyond the grasp of the 5 senses. The only way to express the vastness (Brahman) which is Being, Consciousness and Bliss, is through the color blue.

So, in my vision, I seemed to become a blue goddess. Perhaps Kali?

Dream #1: Running from My Shadow

This dream was unexpected. I very rarely feel fear in my dreams now days but I definitely felt it coming on in this dream. I don’t recall many details now because it was so early in the night (woke at 11pm). What I most remember is that I was avoiding this negative entity that seemed like a giant shadow. It was trying to envelope me and I was resisting. There were many voices at the time, some my own, some my guides and some from this Shadow. The voices of the Shadow were recognizable and familiar. In fact, I’ve memory of chasing it away in my early twenties and calling it a “gin”. Towards the end of the dream I was putting up protection and pushing the negative voices out of my mind. I could sense a shield around my mind and, as I woke, my vision was filled with spheres of all colors floating and undulating as if alive (hypnagogia), indicative of entry into the OBE state. 

Dream #2: Classroom in my Bedroom

I returned to sleep and the next thing I recall is having students sitting all around me in my bedroom. I was still in bed, blanket up around me snugly, but didn’t seem to think it odd that my room was full of students. It was an English class and the teacher, standing near my door, told us that we had to do a research paper. She gave us two topics to choose from and left. Everyone paired up and began discussing their assignment. I sat up in bed, looking at them sitting on my floor and leaning up against my walls and window, and protested loudly about the assignment. I said that I didn’t think it was a good one. What teacher limits her students to only two topics? Why not allow us to explore topics we are most interested in? I then told them I was going to drop out of the class. I didn’t need it. I already had a masters and bachelor’s degree and was just taking the class out of boredom. A male student said he was, too. I asked him if he had a degree and he said no. I told him not to bother, telling him all the jobs I used my degrees for were miserable for me. Only when I decided to follow a different path did I find a very unexpected job that made me happy. He asked what it was and I said, “Accounting.” The entire class was listening attentively at this point and it seemed I might have helped some decide that college was not the right path for them. 

Dream #3: Black Hole Sun (Eclipse)

I didn’t categorize this as a Kundalini dream but it most definitely had elements of Kundalini energy. 

My husband and I parked in an unfamiliar driveway. I was driving but didn’t know how I got there. I immediately got out, finding myself under a large, open, red umbrella. I was wearing my pajamas – a pair of short shorts and a t-shirt – and was barefoot. Still confused, I looked up to a tree and saw a sweatshirt (protection) hanging on it. I pulled it down but then threw it back up not wanting to take something that wasn’t mine. Then my husband drove away and left me there. Not sure what to do, I panicked a bit. I had no phone or any way of contacting help. I felt lost. So, I wandered down the road looking for familiar sign posts. Nothing. 

Then I saw a big truck stop in the middle of the road. It opened its doors and out came hundreds of cats (feminine energy, sexuality). I stopped short and said, “Feral cats.” People were coming up and picking up the cats, though, leading me to believe they were not feral. I wandered closer, observing, and saw the cats were friendly. Still, I kept my distance.

As I turned to leave I saw a little boy crying. He was afraid of the cats. I comforted him and turned him towards the cats, telling him it was safe. I got an adult to assist and left the cats behind.

Then I was at a party. It was full of people I didn’t know, some speaking a language I didn’t recognize. I sat down and waited, still not knowing where I was. Then I noticed a man staring at me. With his stare came a strong, magnetic energy, one I was familiar with. I turned away, feeling immediately nervous, and then moved across the room to avoid him. In my hurry I bumped into my husband who had seen me avoiding the man. He laughed and told me, “He wants to take you into the bedroom.” I didn’t respond and found a corner to hide in.

Eventually the man found me. He came up to me, face to face, and put his left hand on my right shoulder. Our eyes locked and I froze. The energy was super intense and magnetic. It terrified me. The man wanted me to come with him. His energy beckoned me and I knew I would not be able to resist for long. This is when a woman said something to the man. I think she was his wife. He lingered and the woman asked me, “Are you married?” I nodded yes. She told the man to leave me be. He listened and left. I watched the woman for a bit. She was with another woman and a child of around 3 climbed into her lap. I finally went up to her and asked her about the man. Though I don’t recall our conversation, I recognized that she was his wife and they had an arrangement that allowed them to be with other partners.

Then there was a commotion and everyone rushed outside to the driveway. It was really crowded and the sky was a weird shade of reds and oranges. I looked up. Realizing it was the eclipse I averted my eyes. I saw the woman from earlier and went up to her. I could see the eclipse shadow on the concrete. It was nearly complete, a blackness surrounded by a rim of fire. The woman turned to me and we embraced and I sobbed and sobbed as she held me in her arms. The entire time the crazy energy of the eclipse was all around me.

Then there was a hush and I turned and looked up. The sun was mottled red like it was going to explode. 

Seeing the sun like this woke me. Tears were still in my eyes and a chorus from a song was going through my head: “Black hole sun won’t you come and wash away the rain…..”.

Discussion with Guides

After I woke, I couldn’t return to sleep. The energy from the encounter in the dream along with the emotional release at the end was hard to ignore. 

My guidance was close, asking me about how I felt in certain parts of the dream. Specifically, the part where my eyes locked with the strange man. I told them it terrified me. When asked why, it was hard to explain. I think it comes down to total loss of control and not knowing what will happen if that happens. Yet everything in me yearns to follow the feeling and let go completely, to hell with the unknowns that follow. That part of me, the part that yearns, terrifies me. 

When asked about how I felt when I was crying, I recalled a time in this life when I chose not to follow that yearning, choosing instead to complete a cycle/karmic contract. The feeling is beyond description. I recognized the feeling in the dream was the same – solid, unchangeable and full of regret. 

Then there was the visual of the sun there at the end. It felt like a warning, or at the very least a message. Memory of OBEs I had years ago came to mind. In those OBE’s I would see the sun and the moon coming closer and closer together but they never quite touched. If they had, there would have been an eclipse that looked like what I imagine a “black hole sun” would look like. Those OBEs were indicative of Union, or the merging of masculine and feminine, yin and yang, hieros gamos. 

I can’t help but connect the vision of seeing myself as a blue goddess with this last dream. Kali is the goddess of time, doomsday and death. She is worshipped as the Divine Mother and seen as a divine protector who brings liberation. During the discussion with my guidance about my feelings related to that intense, magnetic yearning of which I am terrified, it was relayed to me that “perhaps what lies on the other side is….liberation”.