Category Archives: kundalini

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Heart Healing Bliss

I’ve been focusing on clearing and opening my heart after recognizing a block there is limiting my access to the Bliss.

The first time, I was laying in bed doing a breathing meditation. I decided to focus on my heart and as I did, I saw a large Band-Aid. So, I peeled if off slowly and set the intention of healing the remainder of the wound from when my heart connection disconnected (end of 2016). When I peeled it off, I could see a raw spot, indicating a wound nearly healed, which was reassuring.

Afterward, I kept meditating and focused on my heart. It was not long after pulling off the Band-Aid that my chest began to feel warm. Then, I felt a pulling sensation in my chest that intensified until it began to feel uncomfortable. As soon as I noticed the discomfort, the feeling vanished.

When I stopped meditating, I rolled over onto my side and talked with my guidance for a while. I don’t recall what we talked about now but the overall feeling was that they would help me and I would be successful at opening my heart. Then, two very distinct bolts of “lightning” hit my chest area followed by a deep aching in my chest area that caused me to get slightly concerned because it lingered for so long.

More Emotional

Not long after I had a dream that indicated I should call my mom. In the dream I was awakened by an insistent knocking on my door. When I answered, my mom was standing there with my aunt who was sitting in a wheelchair. I rarely see my aunt in my dreams and since I know she is battling breast cancer, it felt like a warning.

When I called my mom she was in good spirits but when I asked her about my aunt, she began to open up to me about some past issues that were coming up for inspection for her. She got very emotional, crying and choking up, and causing me to get a bit choked up as well. 

The things she brought up had to do with her parents and some traumatic memories she had of them from her childhood. In one instance, she described a memory of how her mom bought her a new pair of glasses without telling her dad. When he came home and found out, he threw her mom across the room. In another memory, her mom was about to slice a piece of pie and said something passive aggressive about having to slice it just right, when her dad, furious at her mom, stuck his entire hand in the pie and put some on his plate. It destroyed the pie and traumatized both my mom and my aunt.

My mom explained how she was angry at her mother for much of her life and decided she would never let a man treat her like that. She told me she believes that’s why her marriages failed and why she struggled with relationships with men. She said she saw how she became like her father even though she was trying not to and hated herself for it.

We went on to talk about my sisters and her upset regarding them. I listened and gave her my viewpoint, telling her I understood and do not blame her for anything. I told her about how I handle and heal my own past trauma, advising her to not avoid the pain but move through it. Each of us has to focus on healing ourselves and, in doing so, we assist in helping others to heal.

As I wrote the above, it is clear to me that I missed a very clear message to myself. “The only way out, is through”, and this applies very much to me right now. 

That evening, when winding down for bed, I had some strong emotion arise out of thinking of what my mom told me about my grandfather. I didn’t know he was abusing like that! Of all the father figures in my life, I was the most connected to him. I saw his mean side but it never really bothered me too much. Yes, he did some things that could have caused me trauma, but, thankfully, they did not. My love for him always won out in the end. I could see his true self underneath. I really miss him!

I also thought of the trauma my mom and her sister are still trying to heal. It makes me sad and in that moment I could feel their pain. I remember thinking, “Their pain is my pain, their love is my love.” 

Pranayama Meditation

That night I decided to do a pranayama breathing meditation. It consisted of breathing in for five counts, holding the breath for five counts, and breathing out for five counts. I did this for seven minutes and it was quite challenging!

While meditating I could feel a wonderful heaviness spreading through my body. Even though the mediation was a breathing meditation, I felt guided to my heart center. This time, rather then seeing a Band-Aid, I saw a string hanging down. I grabbed onto it and looked up and saw a bright red balloon. With the joy of a small child, I let the balloon go and watched it disappear into the sky. I knew that it was symbolic of letting go, something I very much long to do in regards to the past hurt I have been carrying around with me.

I fell asleep without issue, feeling warm and comforted.

During the night I had dreams of a spiritual gathering. The group was very large! There were at least 50 of us. We encircled a large swimming pool, hands clasped, as we began our meeting. We discussed our unique spiritual gifts. A woman said to me, “You can hear people’s thoughts, correct?” I thought for a moment and then said, “Yes, I guess I can. Sometimes I hear them very distinctly, but most of the time it is muddled. And sometimes I don’t want to hear them! I could probably better control this gift if I practiced more.” 

There isn’t much more I recall from the dream but when I awoke I was very aware of a warmth in my heart chakra and energy moving through my body. It was mostly “energy hug” energy, which is when the energy originates in the center of my spine and spreads outward, washing me in a calm, soothing bliss. There were times the energy would linger in certain places, and when it did it felt very healing and pleasant. This was most obvious in my second chakra. I swear I could feel my entire uterus!

When the energy began to fade I said to my guidance, “I want to feel that (the energy) all the time.” The energy instantly returned and I sunk into it, feeling the love and reassurance of Spirit. I recalled being told recently, “What you want is there, you need only to reach for it” and from this point on a long conversation ensued with my guidance. Unfortunately, and as is typical, the exact messages I received are lost to me now. What I remember is that I was advised to wait for “the proposition”. This caught my attention because, as a Projector, I am suppose to “wait for the invitation”. So their use of the word “proposition” brought me out of my reverie momentarily. 

The entire time I communicated with my guidance, the blissful energy lingered. I was covered in it, waves upon waves of it spreading out from my core. The bliss has a way of pulling me deep into Knowing. I go so deep that the Knowing I received does not come as words but as feeling. This is why I so rarely remember any words. At the time of Remembering, there are “words”, at least it seems so, but they don’t remain, dissolving into only feelings by the time I come out of my reverie. 

When I began my day it was with appreciation instead of hesitation. I want to feel this every day. I want to be this every day. 

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Kundalini Dream, OBE, and Message

Happy Halloween! I hear the energies are intense today – solar flares? The only evidence I have of this intensity is from dreamtime. Happy to share. 🙂

Kundalini Dream: 1 Year

I was in a familiar dream location. It consisted of two home about 100 feet apart connected by a narrow walkway. The homes were round, hut-like buildings with thatched roofs, small windows and stone flooring. I only recall snippets of the other dreams I’ve had there, but apparently it is a place I frequent at times. 

Inside the hut on the left was myself and two others, a man and a woman. I felt like their child and the woman was talking to me about preparations. The specifics of these preparations are lost to me except for the symbolism, which, to me, is pretty obvious. The man stepped forward and it was clear to me that he and I were to be “paired”. Uncertain, I questioned the pairing because I knew this man was my “uncle”. The woman explained that it was time and urged me to accept, which I finally did. I recall her encouraging me to go with the man whose hand was held out to me. Though I don’t remember the man’s appearance specifically, he was wearing a long, tan robe with a thick, colored sash at his waist. I took his hand but hesitated, looking around me as my lucidity began to increase.

The woman was insistent. She physically pushed me forward toward the man and said, “We must hurry. The entire process is a long one. It will take a year before any eggs are produced.” It was odd to hear the word “egg”. In that moment, I saw a bunch of chickens pecking around at my feet and wondered if I was one since how else would I become a producer of “eggs”? 

The man’s hand in my own and my decision clear, I went with him. I could feel his hand in my own and a familiar, strong energy began to swirl in my root chakra. The upward pull of the desire that was kindled there woke me and as I lingered in bed, the energy remained creating an ache within to go “up, up, up!”

Symbolism

I sat with the energy as the dream symbolism became clearer. Two circular huts = masculine and feminine. Man and woman = masculine and feminine. Uncle = soul family. The pairing = Union. Eggs = new, unhatched potential; the energy of life. Chicken = cowardice (mine lol). 

The energy continued to linger in my root. It was not the strongest I’ve ever felt but it was quite distracting. The energy was moving up but very sluggishly. Eventually I decided to position myself flat on my back with a pillow over my head and my arms crossed over the top of the pillow. Rather than focus on the energy, making it stronger and more unbearable, I relaxed into it. The energy moved up easily to my heart and a warmth spread out from there. 

Recalling how at other times I needed a catalyst to get the energy moving, I started thinking of those times, hoping to be assisted in a similar way. A male voice from my right indicated that though that was one way, there was another. The male voice then asked me if I wanted to learn/experience more. I recall asking for protection, shielding my aura just in case. The last thing I remember was hearing some instructions (can’t recall the specifics) and affirming that I wanted to proceed. 

Lucid to OBE: Soaring Free 

To my surprise, I ended up in a lucid dream. I was inside my old bedroom at my mom’s house and two of my children were with me. I sat on the bed and my two children were on either side of me. We all had laptops and mine indicated a message was received. When I went to check, I read a message from someone I did not know but who wanted to connect with me. There was a name that started with an “A”
but other than that I just know he was indicating that he wanted to get to know me. I remember almost becoming fully lucid here because I knew that I had not received any emails in real time but tossing the idea of dreaming because it felt “so real.”

I clicked on a link and a video popped up on a huge screen in front of my face. Surprised, I turned to my daughter to see if she noticed, but she didn’t. The video was of an older man and a younger one – father and son. The younger one was making a music video and the father was producing it. Both men had dark hair but other than that I can’t recall what they looked like. There was lots of dancing and I recall being pulled into the video for a short time.

When I came back out of the video, my vision had gone completely dark and I knew I was dreaming. I moved out of the bedroom towards the front door, put my hand on the knob and opened it. Outside my vision started to gradually turn on. The entire front area was a cast in reddish shadows and I remember wanting it to be daylight and knowing just my desire for the light would bring it. Sure enough, the light came and fully illuminated the space.

I took flight immediately, singing as I flew, going up to just above the tops of the trees. I flew up to the main road and saw below me a truck pulling a wheel barrow. I yelled down to warn the driver but knew I was too high. Another truck followed behind and I decided to move on, flying higher.

The pull upward was strong but I again decided to level out, knowing just my desire to do so would keep me from being pulled out and into “space”. I looked down in awe at the trees and landscape below me. I could feel the wind buffeting the clothes on my body. I tore off my shirt, losing vision in my left eye momentarily as the fabric stuck on my head. Completely naked from the top up, I felt an amazing sense of freedom. I remember thinking, “It’s so beautiful!” 

The entire time I flew, I was singing words I can’t recall. What I sang described how I was feeling, though, and the more I sang, the more free I felt.

Eventually, I shifted back to the house. Inside, I saw two dark haired young men lounging on the sofa.  Both looked at me and the feeling I got from them was interest. Not really interested at the time, I flew around, flipping and zig-zagging around the house and enjoying the freedom of my astral body. Oddly, I felt my previously removed shirt put back on me, as if folded around me like a blanket. I wanted it off, but knew it needed to stay. 

Eventually, the energy of my very active root and second chakra filtered through to the experience and I turned back towards the men. They looked identical and I wondered which one I should approach, eventually selecting the one to my left. I flew like an acrobat towards him, landing perfectly on his lap facing him. He looked shocked and I laughed because the position was obviously sexual. I kissed him, feeling a very puny tongue in my mouth, and an intense electric shock to my root woke me up. 

Music Message: When You’re Ready Come and Get It

There was no energy shift when I returned to my body. The energy was still present but only a subtle warmth remained. Knowing the experience was over, I opened my eyes and then curled up happily on my side, relishing the remaining blissful energy. I had been singing when I returned but the words shifted immediately to a familiar song. The words were clearly a message, “When you’re ready come and get it….”

Dreams such as the one above are clearly indicating that some “process” is occurring, or will be. That I was willing and did not resist out of fear is a good sign. The fear is illogical, of course, but I am and have been aware of it. The fear is of the unknown but also of an inner Knowing that what awaits me is another kind of “death”, one that is highly attractive and terrifying at the same time – the familiar signature of the Kundalini. 

The OBE was a nice surprise. The symbolism of it indicates a desire to feel free and unrestrained. Trucks = work. Wheelbarrow = difficult task. The shirt being taken off = desire to be unrestrained. The shirt being put back = message to take it slow, restraint is needed now. The twin men = twin energies, Union. 

I really shouldn’t be surprised by the events of this morning. Two days ago I received a message from my guidance. It came out of the blue and no explanation was needed. The message was, “You’re heart will open again.” When I heard this I got a bit panicked but was reassured with, “You will be okay.” A typical calming statement by my guidance but it works, and I’m glad it does.

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HD Exploration: Gate 59-6, Melancholy and the Individual Channel of Inspiration

Not long ago – maybe two months now? – I went through a period of time where I was very sexual, or “in the mood”, more than I usually am. It lasted quite a while, maybe two weeks. My husband was very pleased because my normal sex drive has me in the mood maybe once a month, if that. Honestly, if my husband wasn’t as persistent as he is, three months or more would go by without me even thinking about sex. I’m just not interested anymore. 

During this odd occurrence, there was a post in one of my HD FB groups mentioning a transit that might contribute to some experiencing higher than normal sexual urges. Not a coincidence I’m sure! The reason for the sexual shift had to do with the channel of “mating”. Ha! I don’t normally have this channel activated. It have a hanging gate and my husband has the exact hanging gate. So, when together, our auras do not complete the circuit and that activation is not available to us. 

This is what the post said:

The 59-6 Channel of Mating is in the transit until Aug 26th, creating intense sexual emotional waves across the population.

There was an image showing the channels of the transit creating this effect but I couldn’t access it. 

The hanging gate I have is 59:

Gate 59 – Dispersion
Gate of Sexuality – Bonding and Intimacy Beyond Words
The ability to break down barriers to achieve union. The potential energy for a deep and fertile connection with the other resulting in a life creating union.

Gate 6 is missing from my chart AND I have a completely open Solar Plexus. So, in order to complete the circuit, I either have to find someone who has the entire gate (activated) or someone with a hanging 6. 

Gate 6 – Conflict
Gate of Friction – Feeling, Emoting, and Sensitivity
The fundamental design component of progress. The law that growth cannot exist without friction. The energy for producing life itself.

I have my own suspicions about this channel based upon my experiences. It isn’t the only sexual channel, but when I’ve met someone who has the other hanging gate and, together, we complete that circuit, sparks fly. I’ve not been able to do the charts of everyone I’ve connected with (physical or spiritually) but I think this channel is responsible for magnifying the K experiences I had with one individual in particular. He had the other hanging gate, completing the circuit for both of us. I suspect, for him, the effects were just as powerful and surprising as they were for me. I only wish that the above mentioned transit had created the same connection with my husband, but it didn’t even come close. 😦

Connection Chart – me and the individual mentioned above. The completed circuit is circled in black. You can see my hanging Gate 59 where it connects to his hanging Gate 6.

If you can remember, did you notice a shift in your sex drive during this transit back at the end of August? If so, please share!

Kundalini

There are other reasons for my lack of sex drive, but the biggest, most significant reason is the Kundalini. I’ve written about it before, but for those who’ve not experienced the erotic, blissful, sexually intense, orgasmic energy of the K, you might assume I’m making excuses, using the K as a reason to avoid a relationship issue that, for most, is HUGE. My husband assumes this, so I don’t hold it against you if you do think this way. 

Because I care about my husband and his own sexual “needs” (I honestly don’t think they are a need, but I won’t go into that right now), I do try and accommodate him as much as I can. The problem is, when we do have sex, my experience is down right pathetic. My body reaches orgasm but it is almost imperceptible compared to what my body is capable of achieving. It reminds me of when I was on antidepressants and I haven’t taken those is over two decades. 

The thing is, during those two weeks, this issue was nonexistent and prior to that it was not this bad, but since the two week period it is like my body is just numb. Everything is muted. So, where I was not interested before but could at least enjoy sex, now it is pointless to even try. 

I wouldn’t be concerned except that it was nice during those two weeks. I felt “normal” again and, though it was nothing like my dreams or my K experiences, it was better than nothing. Now I’m left wondering if I need to visit a doctor and get my hormone levels checked.

The only thing is, when I dream, this issue is nonexistent. If anything, the more sexual “dysfunction” there is in my physical boy, the more amazing my spiritual experiences get. 

Depression

I have also been very depressed for a few weeks now. Like below my normal low mood state. I’ve been so disinterested in life that I’ve thought I should go get some help, maybe get back on antidepressants. My husband would never allow for that, but I’m really tired of feeling blah all the time. I’ve looked online for someone who specializes in transpersonal therapy but have yet to find anyone that feels like a match. The one time I sent an email to a local person that seemed to good to be true, she never replied.

My guidance has been close, also, pointing out that I have unresolved issues from my past related to my heart connection and the debilitating pain that forced me to completely disconnect from my heart center in order to cope. Without help, though, I don’t know how to work through and heal this pain. My guidance reassures me that help is being provided. Since nothing has come to my attention in my waking life, it must all be happening in dreamtime. 

What I have concluded is that I am working through repetitive responses to the same pain in other lifetimes. The repetitive responses have been – kill myself or lose interest in life and die feeling unfulfilled and numb. So far, I’ve avoided the killing myself part at least, which at the time of the debilitating pain, felt much too close for comfort! I’m currently struggling with the second tendency.

The lesson is an extremely difficult one. I can see clearly now why my heart connection did what he did. He was very much a catalyst, not only for the K, but also for putting me on this all too familiar path. I am suppose to pick myself up by the bootstraps and move on with my life, to take the experience and transform/transmute it. 

Currently, I am faced with the numbness – physical, emotional and spiritual. My dreams are my only reprieve, but when I inspect what few memories remain, the numbness is a relief in comparison! I wake up begging to be freed from this prison (life in this body). My guides have challenged me to stop requesting it, to control my thoughts regarding such requests. My request will not be granted. So far, I’m doing better but it is very hard when I wake up feeling so discouraged day in and day out. 

In regards to my feeling discouraged, trapped, stuck – all the time – there is a reason for this, also. Sure, there is a past life karmic reason, but there is also a design reason (as in Human Design). 

Melancholy and the Individual Channel of Inspiration

I’ve always tended toward melancholy. Interestingly, it is written all over my HD profile. My only defined channel, the 1-8, is an individual channel. This is what it means to be individually defined in HD:

People with individual channels are primarily interested in themselves and acoustically oriented. They are often freaks and cannot be labeled. It is most difficult for them to get integrated into society, into groups and tribes, because they are lone wolves and need to spend much time alone, not influenced by the masses. They are so to speak the agents of evolution, who should bring something new, a mutation to the collective and society to ensure the survival and development of the human race.

They don’t like at all to be told what they should do, and thus they are uncontrollable and “deaf” to the influence of others. The reason for that is that they should bring fresh wind to the dusty old things, instead of perishing in the homogenized world.

Their being is accompanied by the deep melancholy that is the foundation for creativity and innovation, as long as they don’t give any reasons to this melancholy and don’t try to avoid and evade it. Melancholy is often accompanied by the feeling of not moving forward in their lives, of being stuck and that nothing moves in their life. When people with individual channels allow themselves to share this melancholy and to accept the permanently recurring limitation, then they can access their power and bring creative and mutative empowerment to the society and the collective.

Source: https://humandesignsystem.co/en/36-channels-of-the-human-design-chart/

The bold parts are me in a nutshell. I struggle to see how melancholy is the foundation of creativity and innovation, though. For me, my depression doesn’t seem to lead me anywhere but to the same; therefore, I feel stuck all.the.time and am plagued by a strange restlessness that is only lessened when I get out of my mind. This is mentioned above, too – “as long as they don’t give any reasons to this melancholy and don’t try and avoid or evade it.” I’m working on this part and slowly getting better at it, but it is difficult!

When I had my HD Foundation reading, my wonderful analyst, a 5/1 Mental Projector, was very nice about giving me the “bad news” related to my design. Despite her putting a positive spin on everything, ie. my design is “very specific”, I’m “special” and have a very “defined purpose”, I could perceive her deep sympathy for the down-sides of my design. I could almost hear her thinking, “I’m glad I’m not her.” 

The truth is, I’m meant to walk this life alone in my melancholy. Few people will call me out to share my wisdom and even fewer will acknowledge and truly “see” me. On top of all this limitation, those that do call me out, will seek to possess me and keep me for themselves, desperately clinging to whatever it is they feel I can give them. So I end up feeling deeply rejected by almost everyone and then, when I finally feel hope at being seen, when I’m finally called out, I find myself desperate to get away from the clutches of a person who fails to truly see me. So often in relationships I end up fighting against the cords of attachment, wanting only freedom to be myself without the constant expectations and projections of the Other. 

Recently, I’ve realized that even those who I think truly do see me – don’t. Currently, I think my mother comes the closest to truly seeing me, but then she has had my whole life to do so. When I have been “seen” by others, I find they only see those parts that suit them and what they are seeking. Therefore, the sense of being seen is short-lived and when it passes, I am left feeling once again unseen and the other ends up blaming me for their inability to posses me. I am labeled and stored in their minds, put on a shelf and forgotten.

Here is something I found online that explains the 1-8 channel very well:

This is a Life Force that can shine out in it’s individual expression in such a unique way you can stand out in any crowd.

It makes you incomparable. Whether it is through your beautiful artistic expressions or your eccentric peculiarities, you are designed to embody who you are in everything you do.

There is only one way for you in this life and that’s your way. People can be deeply impressed with your ability to live differently to others. You can be such an inspiration to others by simply being you and doing things in your own way. You can help empower others to do things in their own way and break out from the homogenization that currently infects human behavior.

This is not an energetically powerful Life Force. You are not designed to show your difference until you are invited to do so. 

It’s important not to try to push your way onto others. You are here to present yourself to others in a way they can accept your mutative and new contribution. You can be a trendsetter because of your uncommon style and attractive manner.

Your natural ability to present may develop into solo performances if you have dancing, musical or acting abilities. Yes, you may have to train with others but you will soon stand out as someone special and once you are the solo star everyone can admire your unique style.

TOP TIP: Trying to dance to someone else’s tune or fitting yourself into behaving in a way that does not suit who you are will be intolerable to you. Whatever they’re paying you it won’t be enough!

Another thing to bear in mind, is that you are going to have to go through a process of learning how to communicate with all kinds of people. This is not in-built with this Life Force and unless you have other Life Forces in your chart that can compensate, you will probably have to learn the hard way.

Your presentations will always be unique to you. Weird and eccentric can get you noticed, but if you wish to live an expanded life, then you need to wait to be invited for your moment to speak or show others what you can do. You can be so amazing, but you are also an ‘acquired taste’. Not everyone likes fresh new ways of being and those who are deeply traditional are unlikely to appreciate you. You have a strong sense of identity but you become bolder and truer when others are encouraging because they are delighted by you.

If you lead by example, others may follow you, but you won’t be leading them, you’ll simply be yourself. You may mix modalities in an unusual and creative way if you are an alternative health practitioner, you may have a quirky voice that makes you a fortune as a performer, you may bake cakes that are so incredible that a company forms around you and a whole new specialist business comes into manifestation.

If you’re not being recognized for you uniqueness, then you are either in reaction to some past trauma that has conditioned you into being a recluse, or you are simply in the wrong place around the wrong people for you. Source: Reddit.com 

So, it seems, there is no escaping how and who I am. I am this way on purpose. This body, its design, is purposeful. The sooner I accept it, the better. It is a hard pill to swallow!

References:

Bunnell, Lynda and Ra Uru Hu. (2011). The definitive book of human design. Carlsbad, CA. HDC Publishing.


 


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Kundalini Dream: Sneaked Kiss

Slept really well. Again. I’m really enjoying the good sleeps I’m having lately. They are the kind where I don’t recall many dreams but when I wake I feel drugged and can easily fall back to sleep and linger in bed in the morning falling into the in-between or into “daydreams”. I feel well rested when I finally get out of bed, too, which is an added bonus.

This morning I was slowly waking from a dream, talking to someone in a bookstore about where I had bought the Clan of the Cave Bear series. I told her, “The I-Computer Store”. As I woke, I was seeing the store – isles upon isles of books. I was repeating the name of the store but woke up because the name I was repeating was not the store name. I was saying “I/Eye Center Storm”. Immediately I knew it was related to yesterday’s post where I mentioned feeling to be in the “eye of the storm”.

Speaking of yesterday’s post, I wanted to share the Kundalini dream I mentioned in that post.

Dream: Sneaked Kiss

I awoke around 4am not in a good mood. I wish I remember why I woke this way, but I don’t. Fell back to sleep quickly and entered a dream.

The scene I came into was familiar and felt like my mom’s house except it wasn’t. So wherever it was, I was comfortable there. There were many others present. Though I didn’t recognize them specifically, it felt like I knew them all.

There was a discussion on-going about a prepared drink. I remember being in a circle of people, then. We were positioned on plush chairs and daybeds. There was a pool and hot tub in the background and lots of background noise. 

This is when I spotted K. I stared at him from where I was, directly across from him, momentarily and then looked away. The discussion continued but it is mostly lost to me except that it was about a specific drink. What I recall about the drink is that it was being prepared and so we were all waiting. 

Somehow I ended up across the circle of people near K. He was telling everyone about the ingredients in the drink and mentioned one ingredient was a gnat – a giant one like the size of a softball (minor inconvenience becoming major). I recall seeing it in my mind. It was large and green (healing, heart chakra) and its wings so tiny they were almost undetectable. It didn’t look like a gnat and I said something about how I would be fine without it in my drink. K reached out his hand and touched my hand lightly, holding his hand there long enough to catch my attention. I remember worrying someone would see, but everyone was so caught up in what they were doing so no one noticed.

At this point, K reached over the top of me to grab something. He ducked his head under his arm, which shielded what he was doing from view, smiled at me and snuck a quick kiss. I believe he also said, “Stay”. In my shock I froze, again nervous someone would see, but no one did.

We lay there together, hip to hip, for a while and no one noticed our closeness. There was this electricity in the air. It filled my entire being with nervous anticipation and a sense that what I was feeling was not allowed. I could sense that he felt the same.

Eventually I began to feel the need to move away. We were so close that it felt like we were one person and I decided to get some distance. When I did, he resisted but I still broke away. I turned back and saw him smiling, his blue eyes blazing and compelling me to stay. It was too much and I couldn’t resist the pull of him. My decision was made: I didn’t care if anyone saw or knew. I fell back toward him and told him I wanted to stay with him. He smiled down at me and lightly brushed my lips with his own. For a moment he just stared at me, as if purposefully lingering to draw out the moment. Then he kissed me, his energy calm, protective and accepting, wrapping around me like a hug. We kissed again but the energy was too much. My heart was lighting up, the bliss burning a hole straight through my very center, and the intensity of it ultimately woke me.

After

I woke up in shock, my heart pleasantly warm in my chest. It was concerning to me that I had the dream. I had not intended to dream of him. Was this a preparatory dream? Or was it merely a method my guides were using to help clear the blocks in my energy?

The warmth in my chest was welcome, though. It has been so, so long since I’ve felt the heart bliss. Even though this was not full-on, it was enough that I reveled in it a while, sinking into it as the bliss of it spread. 

I cannot help but put together the sequence of dreams that has led up to this. First, they were sporadic and friendly, with long conversations that remained with me upon waking. Real enough that I wondered if he, too, were having the dream. Then, the dreams began to include sparks of the Kundalini. Some were blissful, loving and accepting, as if we were comforting each other. Some got intense enough that I awoke completely overcome with the K. Still, though, many months would pass between dreams. Long enough spans of time that I would easily forget such dreams ever occurred. 

I never quite know WTF is happening with these kinds of dream encounters. I’ve opted to not seek significance or meaning in these dreams. Jumping to conclusions is not recommended. Seeking to remain the Observer is advised. I’ve accepted that I’ve been allowed to glimpse the Beyond, the space where We come together as our Higher versions and play out scenarios that may or may not seep “down” into physical reality. It may even be that these scenarios occur on some other timeline and so the “memory” is then recovered or “jumps” to this timeline.

What I do know for certain is that thought creates reality. So, I must be careful with my thoughts. As my guides have often reminded me, I am “a great manifestor”. I’ve had enough experiences now to know the truth in this!

When I inquire of my guidance, “Why is he appearing in my dreams”. They answer with, “You called him.” Of course, I did no such thing (consciously)! But it is possible.

I Knew with my “twin” that I “called” him. He said as much in our earliest encounters in dreamtime. In fact, one OBE still stands out to me. I recall standing across from him, my heart and root both blazing, asking him, “What are you doing here?” He stated with a big smile, “You called me.” I also realized I had indeed “called him” at a much later date, via my internal dialogue and constant questions of “why?”

So, rather than feel these dream encounters are “happening to me” and out of my control, I should instead asked myself, “What do I want?” Honestly, I love the dreams and would be happy just continuing to have them. The Kundalini “fire” is a marvelous thing. The problem is, when you play with fire, someone always ends up getting burned. And I seem unable to resist playing with that damned fire. A spark is never enough. If I am honest, all I want is to be consumed by the fire. Completely. So, I guess what I want is to not pull anyone else into that fire with me. I’m happy to do it alone. But is that even possible? IDK.

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A Little Update

So much is going on but at the same time so little. I know, but that is what it feels like. In the past, I’ve called this feeling the “eye of the storm” because I feel like I am standing in the middle of a hurricane watching everything and everyone struggle around me but I remain unscathed. It’s not that I’m not affected – I am – but only because I choose to be by my concern and love for those around me. Yet, regardless of how much I want to make an impact upon others in order to help, I find myself powerless to do so. What actions I do take seem to have no effect. The feeling of powerlessness in itself is upsetting and has the potential to create an inner storm, and it does, until I recognize it and center myself.

Family Drama

An all too familiar family issue has been rearing its ugly head. It’s my sister. Without going into too much detail, she and her husband have gotten themselves into a little legal problem, as in they now have warrants to contend with. As is usual with me, my dreams alerted me to the problem and I reached out and messaged my sister. She then unloaded it all on me. I think she had been holding onto it for far too long and the opportunity to let it all out was too tempting to resist. Knowing better, I got involved and tried to help, actually sending her money twice, in hopes that she would make the right decision and handle her problems responsibly. In all I contributed $400 in an attempt to help my nephew stay in his school. I thought I might have persuaded my sister to do the right thing but she turned to her husband who changed her mind and they fled north. My sister told me they are planning to leave the state. They are running but I know eventually their problems will catch up with them.

My mother has been negatively impacted, as usual. This past weekend I had the idea to go visit her. When I arrived, she hugged me and said, “I knew you’d come. You always know when I need you.” Surprised, because I had not perceived it that way (but she is correct, I do sense when she needs me), I asked her what was wrong. She told me she had gotten nasty texts from my sister’s husband. He had gotten my sister’s phone and read all her messages. I don’t know what he read but whatever it was made him angry. We talked for a while about their predicament and I figured he felt safe with all the distance between him and us that he decided to “burn bridges”. My sister, on the other hand, continues to message my mom but her messages are disjointed and, as usual, she asked for money. Sigh.

My mom says when she gets texts or communication like she did from my BIL, she becomes weak and almost falls down. My sister creates the same effect. At her age, she doesn’t need that kind of stress! I want to make it all go away. I wish I could fix things. It seems my lesson is to let it alone. I am here to observe and help when invited by being physically and emotionally present. 

Sacroiliac Joint Pain

Maybe it’s stress, but along with all of the above I hurt my back. I don’t think it’s serious but it has been a PITA (literally). At first it was bearable but then I had a deep tissue massage and it actually aggravated the problem. After the massage it flared up to the point that I had to lay in bed with a heating pad and/or ice and take Ibuprofen. At first I kept exercising because movement helped but always after I cooled down the pain and stiffness would return, sometimes worse. At the most the pain was a 5/10, which isn’t too bad.

My guess, based upon my research, is that I’ve inflamed my sacroiliac joint, most likely by the CrossFit I’ve been doing lately (high impact, heavy weight). When the SI joint is inflamed, the pain is made worse by prolonged standing or sitting. For me, standing exacerbates the pain. I feel the pain in my upper glutes more than my back. It’s a deep seated aching that is not relieved except by movement. For some the pain to be felt down one or both legs or the lower back, but I don’t have those issues. The pain is often misdiagnosed as Sciatica, but SI joint issues do not cause weakness. 

When I told my mom about it, she said that is the joint she has degeneration in and causes her issues. So it may be hereditary. 😦 The best thing I can do is stop lifting weights, stay active, stretch consistently and listen to my body. It should go away on its own. 

I’ve taken this whole week off of weight training. Bending down to pick up anything over 5lbs causes my my sacral area to hurt. I feel old, especially when I wake up in the morning. My entire posterior chain is stiff. 😦 So every morning I do 10-15 of yoga after I take Monty on a walk. Later in the day I do 30 minutes of low impact cardio. It’s working!

The sacroiliac joint is connected to the root chakra. Based upon my dreams of late, it appears that I’m working on that area, as well as other areas linked to survival and security. 

Dreams

My dreams have been bringing up emotion quite frequently, specifically fear and avoidance. My guides sometimes make an appearance, asking question and creating spikes in lucidity in order to make remembering the encounters easier. 

The other night the dream I had was about recognizing when to take action based upon the signs received. In that particular dream, I witnessed a roof begin to crack and the metal sheets slid down to reveal two separate houses under one roof. At the end of the dream I said to my guide, “I can’t ignore the signs anymore. It is clear this is no longer my path.”

I’m also having dreams of various meetings with people I know in real life (online and in-person). The emotion and energy of the encounters are muted in my memory but when I wake I know the energy connection was substantial. It feels like I am doing quite a bit in dreamtime but I wake up almost devoid of the specific memory. All that’s left is residual energy and a suspicion that something significant occurred. 

Sometimes I remember the dreams vividly and of those times I’ve wished I hadn’t. The dream encounters are consistently with the same person, on average 1-2 dreams per month. Initially the dreams were friendly, but now they almost always involve Kundalini energy. The most recent one ignited my heart with bliss, something I have yet to experience with this person in dreamtime. The heart bliss is my all-time favorite of all the K energy. I’m a little worried about the pattern I see arising, especially since this person is someone I interact with on occasion.

The other night I spent quite a long time talking with a woman amidst various dream scenes. I was awakened by her voice and an vivid image of a middle aged woman with thick, blonde hair. She was telling me that what I am seeking will be found and as I became more lucid, I interrupted her message with my own Knowing. Even though what I was being told was mostly positive and should’ve brought me hope, I woke up crying. 

After I returned to sleep, I found myself in a dream scene with the same woman. Our conversation continued but I kept fighting sleep in the dream, sluggish and unable to “wake up” within it like I needed to. Despite my struggle, I still recall enough to know that I was being counseled. There were emotions present that I felt fully to the point that I became overwhelmed. These emotions were not mine, though, and I recognized this. I felt the woman’s intense purpose and desire. I felt her intention, her love, her guilt, her pain. She invited me to join her on her path and I told her, “I can, but not for long. Your path is not my own.” She questioned me on what I was feeling and when I told her I became wistful and overwhelmed at the same time. I want to feel the emotion but it is more than I can bear and I told her, “I’m not use to feeling so much. I don’t know what to do with it all!” I desire to feel more alive, and the emotion creates such a zest for life, so I embrace it. Yet at the same time I am fearful of it because I become paralyzed by it to the point that all I do is cry. To feel so much makes me feel inadequate to the point of a failure because I cannot cope except to let the emotion overpower me.

Human Design

Because of the energy dynamics in my dreams and the questions posed by my guidance over the span of a couple of weeks, I am thinking more and more about my HD chart. Specifically, how limited and specific my chart is compared to other charts I’ve seen. The overwhelm I have at encountering lots of emotion is likely a direct result of my lack of definition. When I meet someone who has more definition, especially those with lots of it, the amount of emotion I experience is much higher than I do when not influenced by their aura. If the person has a defined emotional center (solar plexus) it is even more intense, like blow me out of the water intense. 

My mother is one of these individuals. She and I, when our auras interact, have a 9-0 relationship, which means all centers are defined. She is an emotional MG, the most intense you can get. My daughter is also an emotional MG. I find the emotion of both of them quite overwhelming and have to walk away in order to avoid being swept up in it. When either of them gets highly emotional, I find myself following suit and it can create quite the upset if the emotion is negative. However, when the emotion is positive I am deeply attracted to them/it and enjoy being swept up into it. All in all, their emotion feels like my own but the truth is – it’s not. 

I have struggled my entire life with trying to differentiate between my own emotion and the emotion of others. My typical emotional state is very flat compared to others – in general. It’s not that I can’t feel emotion of my own, but that I can be very disconnected emotionally. This can often cause others to think me incapable of emotion. To someone who is very emotionally defined I can appear callous and cold, uncaring and, as my daughter puts it, “mean”. But, I can also be extremely compassionate, caring and sympathetic when I want to. This part of me comes out most when I around someone who is feeling sadness, grief, or depression. I tend to be coldest when a person is venting, raging, angry, pressuring or critical. 

So, my discussion about emotion in my dream brings me to conclude that my HD is teaching me how to gauge emotion, my own and others. I have a completely open emotional center, so when I feel, I feel it ALL. It literally sweeps me up, devours me entirely and then drops me all at once leaving me wondering WTF happened. And it is VERY overwhelming at times. There is no avoiding that. The way to cope with all that emotion is to let it flow through me without being the effect of it. Completely OPEN in HD is like a spigot without a shutoff. Trying to shut it off won’t work. BUT, if I remain neutral, letting the emotion flow by as I observe, then I can manage without being swept away by it all. 

It is clear to me why I chose my husband as a partner. His HD is very similar to my own. He only has one more defined center – sacral – and he is an MG, but not an emotional one. So we are both very flowing and fluid. The emotion I feel from him, while it can be intense, is tolerable because, oddly, it feels self-created, as if he is playing a role he thinks he should play. The drawback, however, is that without emotion that has definition, it can get quite boring. So, I am choosing boring and predictable because at least I feel in control versus feeling totally controlled by the emotion otherwise. Someone with definition takes the lead when with someone without definition.

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Kundalini Dream: Touch = Ecstasy

Dreams were crazy full of energy last night and when I woke I felt like I had been drugged.

Dream: Bliss Shower

In the first dream, I was with a friend of mine from the blogging community. We were standing close together, facing each other. I could feel this erotic energy when we touched and though I don’t recall much else, I do think we talked and engaged in a kind of exchange. There is memory of police cars and being outside, but I don’t know if it was connected to this dream or? Eventually we ended up taking a shower together. What is odd is that everything was dark around us except for this plain, tiled shower stall and the water falling from above our heads. It felt like we were trying to wash away impurities but the entire time I could feel this amazing energy between us. If we touched, which we were doing as we “cleaned” each other, an explosion of ecstasy resulted. My friend seemed very serious the whole time, though, and I remember seeing his face more than once staring back at me, his forehead furrowed and his eyes squinting, as if he were questioning me.

When I woke I was a bit shocked by the dream but forgot it quickly because of the pull to return to dreamtime and the amazing, bliss-filled ecstasy of it. I went directly into another dream with similar blissful sensations. This one I recall more details.

Dream: Touch = Ecstasy

The dream began with me being invited by a co-worker (we’ll call him K) to go somewhere with him. He had this huge dog, like Clifford the big red dog, only he was white with a big black spot on his back. I followed the dog to a small car. The dog was bigger than the car yet somehow fit inside. I climbed into the passenger seat and we left. Somewhere along the way we smoked a joint and I remember feeling very relaxed and uninhibited.

We arrived at a house where his friends were. We mingled for a while but I was fascinated by touch and what it was causing me to feel. It was a wonderful, erotic, pleasurable feeling. It just made me feel good! I kept brushing up against K and staying close to him. I remember his friends watching me, snickering like they knew something. I realized that K must also have felt similarly because he was drawn to touch me as much as I was him. We ended up caressing each others faces, arms, hands, etc. There was nothing sexual about it, we were just really friendly and close, laughing and enjoying the feeling of each other.

At one point one of his friends asked me how I was feeling. They suggested that I had smoked something much more potent than pot. I asked them if they knew what and I heard “PCP”. I remember thinking about PCP, wondering if it was bad and then relaxing because I knew it was just another hallucinogen. They kept looking at me like they knew something I didn’t, and though I noticed it, I was too caught up in the bliss to really care.

Eventually I went up to K, brushing up against him purposefully, but this time I took his face in my hands and kissed him on the lips. He looked shocked but did not pull away. I heard his friends snickering and something caused me to feel unsafe around them. So, I took off and ran out the back door. It was snowing outside and I ran into the snow which slowed me down because it went up to my waist. Eventually I fell into it but soon realized it was fake snow made of really tiny, circular pieces of foam. I laughed out loud, letting myself get nearly covered in the snow as I relaxed into it.

I lay in the snow outside a house near a tree for a bit, looking at the sky and feeling carefree and “high”. I noticed the garage door was open. Inside were two women standing under bright lights with white packages around them. One came out to investigate and I hid behind their parked SUV, eventually coming out. One woman spoke with me, asking me if I was going to turn them in. I saw white, round, tire-like plastic containers stuffed with plastic bags. Turns out they had a drug operation and were trying to hide it from me. I remember hearing the police were coming, but I didn’t care. I ended up wading through the fake snow back to the house. Someone was asking me about K. Did you kiss him? I said I had and they were shocked and brought up our age difference. I said, “I’m only 5yrs older than him.” This is a lie. I am 10yrs older. The last thing I saw was the flashing of blue and red lights.

I woke up, the blissful energy still swirling around me, making me feel drunk.

I didn’t want to wake up and lay in bed relishing the lingering energy and accompanying drugged feeling. I actually felt like I had just finished having really, really good sex. LOL 

Interpretation

The first dream was likely an actual encounter with a friend. I wish I could recall more of it, but it is very muted in my memory and there are few details except the shower scene and flashing lights. The shower is about cleansing and since we are in it together, it could be about letting go of shared negative energy and/or shared negative experiences. The flashing lights are “caution”. I’ve seen them in other dreams warning me of things to come. It is hard to say what those things are, though.

The second dream was a continuation of the amazing feeling from the first but with another person I know. I’ve had K dreams with him in the past, so it is not new to me, but the large dog is! Wow! Dogs are protection and fidelity, so perhaps there is a need for protection? The drugged feeling intensifies and I experiment with it more and more as does my friend. I think the laughing friends are likely my guidance or someone in Spirit working with me. The fake snow is interesting and indicates an emotion that is frozen is actually not frozen. The continuation of the “drug” idea seems to point to an indicator that something might be addictive and, again, I see the police lights, which is a warning.

Overall, the second dream suggests that though I may feel like the erotic feelings I’ve had in the past are gone (frozen) and will not return, this is an untruth (fake snow). I need to be cautious (police lights). Someone or something I think harmless may turn out to be much more potent than I realize.

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Past Forward

An odd theme is presenting itself lately. It seems like past relationships are returning to the present. Usually, this takes place in dreams but it has also seeped into physicality. For example, an ex from years ago has been communicating with me via email for a couple of weeks. I reached out to him first because I read an old email from my journals and wanted to tell him something about what I’d learned from that time. He seemed overjoyed to hear from me and has been emailing me, though intermittently. In the past his emails were very sporadic. He would wait weeks before responding to me and it was very agonizing for the me of almost 20 years ago. Now, I don’t have that issue at all, and his pauses don’t even phase me. I would love to talk like we use to but am feeling like taking my time with this unfolding. What will result, IDK and I don’t have any expectations otherwise.

Similarly, it was not long ago when my “twin” came to mind out of the blue and I felt like he would be contacting me. The reminders began as little hints from the environment like seeing his name here and there or hearing a song from that painful time. Then one night, not long ago, my guides warned me that soon I would be either contacted by him or something similar. It surprised me and then I told my guidance, “I don’t care. I don’t want to talk to him.” 

Then this morning I woke up around 4am from a dream with him in it. When I went back to sleep I had another dream of him.

Dream: Black Mustang

This dream is hard to recall because the second dream overwrote it. 

I remember being around my “twin” in the dream. Mostly, I observed him from a distance. When I recognized him it made an impact and I’m surprised I didn’t become lucid in the dream. I recall seeing another woman with him. She had blonde, almost white hair that came to her shoulders. I never saw her face as her back was to me. 

The next thing I remember is discussing a departure flight time and being outside standing in the snow (frozen emotion) which was very crusty like it had melted and refrozen many times. Parts of it were in drifts so that when you stepped on the surface it would crack and you would fall through to your waist. There was mention of skiing but I don’t think a ski (getting through difficult times) trip was involved. My “twin” said his flight was at 8am and asked me when mine was. I told him, “Not until 1pm.” 

After he left I was sitting alone feeling off and a bit confused. Old emotions were resurfacing and I felt like I had no one to talk to and that no one who could listen would understand. A woman who was concerned and felt motherly asked me what was wrong. I told her, “I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop thinking about him.” It was a bit of a relief to share this but it didn’t make me feel any better. I was reliving that time in my life. The mother figure said, “You should tell him how you feel.” 

Thankfully, the memories of those emotions didn’t get strong enough to wake me. They were muted but there, especially the upset at not being able to stop thinking about him. It made me feel obsessed and I didn’t want to feel that way.

To my surprise, he returned for a visit. I was overjoyed to see him. He came to show me his Mustang convertible (desires, dreams and wishes). I remember it as both a white color and then a black color. It would shift between the two – the one from my memory (white) and the one he was actually driving (black). He invited me into the car and so I crawled into the back seat. I looked up at the roof which was unlike any convertible I’ve been inside. Only a foot wide sliver of the roof was open to the sky. I could see the underside of the roof. It was sparkling as if covered in glitter. I commented that it was like seeing the stars. Like the car, the color of the roof shifted between black and white. 

I awoke from this dream feeling the muted emotions trying to break the surface. My response was to allow some to do so but then I said, “I’m not going to go there again” and stopped the tears. A guide was close and I spoke to her for a bit. I remember saying, “I still love him”, feeling sad and wishing this life would end. My guide asked me if I thought my wish to leave this life might be connected to my lives with him. I replied that it likely did, though I’ve felt that way since before I met him in this lifetime. I reflected on the past lives I’ve recalled with him and how I often ended up dead after he chose to turn his back on me, leave me, abandon me or ignore me. It felt like the pattern was on-going. The only difference in this life is I’m still alive. 

Dream: Bridge of Cars

When I returned to sleep I entered another dream. This time I didn’t see my “twin” but instead was observing a rickety bridge (transition), one of those kind that is made of rope and wood planks. It was high in the air and swinging. On the bridge were several cars (lives of others) attempting to cross. They were stopped in the center because of the swinging of the bridge. I could see an off-shoot that was roped off, an exit or alternate route. It felt very precarious and it seemed like the cars wouldn’t make it.

The next thing I recall is seeing this Asian man crawling on the underside of the bridge towards the exit. He seemed unafraid as he navigated the moving bridge, crawling underneath it by grabbing onto the rotted and sometimes broken planking. I remember he purposefully didn’t look down. He slipped at one point, nearly falling, but didn’t let it phase him. He successfully climbed onto solid ground and then helped the cars pass through. 

I remember talking to my guide while this dream was occurring. There is memory of my guides referring to my “twin” as “your cousin”. This made me pause as I contemplated what that might mean. It likely means we are very, very close soul family (first tier). Then I asked, “What should I do?” The response I got was, “He wants you to do the work.” This answer was given around the time I saw the man crawl up onto solid ground. I don’t know why, but I broke down sobbing and woke up.

Considerations

When I woke I was wondering about what I was told about doing “the work”. I don’t know exactly what it refers to. My own clearing work? If so, I have no idea what that entails. I thought back on that time in my life and reflected a bit on it. Perhaps I am being asked to finish what was started? If so, what does that entail? Am I suppose to contact him? Or am I just suppose to release those emotions and the past? Or are we meant to reconnect and finish this together? And then maybe “the work” just has to do with my purpose here.

It seemed to me like we’ve had many lifetimes where we meet briefly and then move on. I am always blown away by the love and connection. My guess is I become clingy or intense and this is scary to him and he withdraws. I remember thinking that our short encounters are purposeful. We meet to impact each other, to catalyze one another, and then go on our way. 

I thought of the time we met in person for the first time. The desire to hug him and never let go was very strong. It was something I couldn’t control. The Kundalini was always threatening to explode upward and I struggled to push it down, but I succeeded. We both experienced an odd bubble of energy that night that kept us awake. At the time I didn’t know what it was, but I think I do now. That energy was our Higher Selves attempting to merge, to create that telepathic/energetic link. I don’t think I was resisting. I remember being in awe of the energy and not really minding that it kept me awake. It felt like I was three times my normal size! He told me that it bothered him, though, so I suspect he was resisting. Afterward he withdrew a little more every day until, ultimately, he disconnected.

I also recalled how my “twin’s” HS seemed to me. He was always playing around, teasing me and trying to get me to laugh. Our relationship in Spirit is very mischievous and playful. At other times we would just sit or walk together holding hands, our mind’s quiet and our hearts overflowing with love. The part of me that is playful is evident. He brings it out of me. In this lifetime (and others) we both tend to be overly serious, me more than him in this life. Our HS find this amusing and we often tease one another about it. 

The bridge dream appears to be symbolic of the work my “twin” is doing (and me also). We act as bridges, helping others across; Wayshowers. It is clear to me that we did not come into this life to be together romantically and that part of my lesson is to be able to accept friendship with him despite wanting so much more. When I am able to accept the love I have for him without expectation, then the energy between us will flow smoothly and resistance will melt away. 

Honestly, I don’t know how I can feel the kind of love I felt for him and not cling to it. I am able to easily stay disconnected from the sexual bliss/flow, but not the heart bliss/flow. The heart bliss makes me feel like I am Home – Whole – and since I have such Homesickness here, feeling Home is pretty much all I want to feel.

Past Forward

This time of year always seems to bring the past forward to the present for inspection. I suspect it’s astrological and I don’t mind it really, though sometimes it can be painful. It wasn’t long ago that I was reading through my old journals and focusing on past relationships, some romantic and some just friendly. I noticed how my memories of those people and times do not match what I wrote in my journal! So much I forgot and so much I changed – why? I think perhaps we all tweak our stories over time, focusing on the lessons and so losing or altering the “facts”. And maybe altering memories is a kind of coping mechanism, too, to help us feel less “wrong” or put a Band-Aid on the hurt. I most definitely covered up some things. I’m grateful to my journal for showing me the truth. I most definitely wrote details down, even copying and pasting full email conversations! So there’s no denying what that truth was – is.

As for my “twin” experience, I think there is still some healing to do, some love to allow and some forgiveness to give (of myself and him). The less I judge myself and others, the easier it gets to accept the lessons of the past and integrate them into the Now. One thing is for certain, the love never dies no matter how many Band-aids and story edits.

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Lucid Dream: Woman in Black

Prior to bed last night I felt a presence in front of me. When I acknowledged “him” I heard, “Are you ready?” I replied, “Yes.” The presence faded a bit and then was hardly noticeable. 

Lucid Dream: Woman in Black

The dream began inside a small cabin with only one room (similar to a recent OBE). The room had a bathroom/changing room and a couple of small windows draped with tulle-like, colored fabric and there was fabric in other areas as well, all pastel colors. There was an older lady in the room with me talking about performing a musical involving singing and dancing. I remember commenting that it was not difficult and demonstrated a few dance moves that resembled ballet. 

Eventually, I excused myself to the bathroom and while inside relieved myself in such a way as it brought on full lucidity in my dream. This is when it was obvious to me that I was accompanied by someone, a voice without form or gender.

When I exited the bathroom I seemed to be seeking something or someone. The voice came with me, always a bit behind or to the side and just out of view. 

Instead of finding myself inside the cabin (success on one’s own), I was standing on a porch (new opportunity) looking upon a mountain scene filled with tall pine trees. Ahead of me was a rocky, overgrown road. As I stepped off the porch (which I never saw but just assumed was there), I knew it was raining and mentally said, “I will feel the rain.” Sure enough, I could feel the cool rain (emotion) as it hit my skin and felt it running down my arms and legs. Beneath my feet I felt the cool, round stones (obstacles) of the road. Feeling it all so acutely and seeing everything so clearly, I became delighted and ran along the road down the hill. I told my companion, “The rocks don’t hurt my feet.”

For some reason I believed myself to have entered the past and was curious about what I would find ahead of me. There was a sense of direction, like I knew where I was and where I was going. For example, I knew ahead of me, at the bottom of the hill, I would find a much bigger road, and I did. The road was much smaller than I recalled, though, and this is when I realized I was floating just above the tree line. Looking down at the road, hidden by the trees, I flew down to its edge and thought at first it was paved but soon recognized the dirt was just well packed from all the traffic. The road was very narrow, as if for foot traffic and carts. 

I heard the familiar noise of a car engine and soon saw a small, rounded vehicle coming towards me. I hid behind the trees and watched in surprise as it parked. I thought, “How are there cars here in the past?” I stayed hidden as I watched a large man exit the tiny car. I worried he would see me, and he did, but he only glanced at me and then went on his way. I saw other cars parked nearby and eventually my curiosity pulled me out of hiding.

What I saw next reminded me of a small, seaside village. There were rows of tiny, identical, brightly colored houses lining the beaches and a small harbor. I wondered why the houses were such bright colors and was told that was all that was available. I accepted this answer. The scene was so vivid and colorful that I stopped briefly to take it all in. Eventually, I felt pulled to keep looking for whatever I was looking for, and so moved on.

There was a shift and I entered a warehouse (stored energy/hidden resources). It was quite open and clean with light gray floor, walls and ceiling. There was a woman holding a very tall, black, metal object that resembled a square post. She was inserting it into this machine, holding it steady as she fed it vertically down into it. Watching her, it soon became clear that she was inserting a massive key into a kind of lock. The metal object had various cutouts on it that the lock adjusted to and I heard the lock click as it unlocked. 

From this point, I went deeper into the warehouse, still looking. In another room I encountered a group of workers, all men. Their supervisor whispered to them to stop working and keep an eye on me. He said something like, “Watch that woman…” What he said indicated that he wanted to make sure I was safe, worried that I may get hurt by the machinery. 

I went into another room. A man was sitting in his station where he was operating some other kind of machine. The room was very long and composed of many isles similar to a bowling ally. 

Recognizing what I was seeking was not there, I turned and left.

When I exited, the scene shifted and I was again outside in the middle of a town with hard, packed dirt roads lined with modern buildings. In front of me was a very nice building with tall, glass entry doors and arched pillars. Its color was a very light tan and its texture was smooth and without seams. There was a sign out front with big, black letters that read: CORE. The letter C was a crescent moon (feminine energy). 

For some reason, I didn’t recognize the word as CORE but instead as a church. I knew this was the place I was looking for and immediately started to run towards it at a full sprint. I don’t know why.

This is when the invisible presence next to me became visible. A woman wearing a black, Victorian style, full-length, lace gown, sprinted in front of me and went through the glass doors before I could get to them. She was completely black from head to toe! A black cat trailed behind her.

Shocked, I ran faster, trying to catch up.

When I burst through the double glass doors the woman was standing there facing me. She was waiting for me, her cat sitting at her feet. I remember Knowing she was there for me, and she was who I had been seeking, but before I could speak to her she vanished into thin air, leaving her cat behind. I remember saying, “Of course!” with a Knowing that she would do just that.

I stood there for a bit, shocked at what had just happened and communicating with the voice. There was encouragement. I was being asked to stay. My response was that it was all too much. I felt overwhelmed but also confused. The whole lucid experience to that point and the many signs and symbols began to pull me away from the scene. I felt my energy returning to my body slowly, flowing like water. The sensation was familiar and calming.

Understanding

When I woke I recognized the lock and key as symbolic of a door being opened and the woman as being my shadow aspect, a part of me yet unknown and perhaps holding secrets that were to be revealed. The cat at her feet and the crescent moon are both symbolic of the feminine. The word CORE is another clue: core wound, core Self, core of the problem. 

As I lingered in bed, trying to stay awake so that I could recall the entirety of the experience, I inevitably entered the in-between where I had another dream that I can’t recall now. There were visions intermixed with discussions, also.

In one vision I saw a snake very clearly. It was moving, slithering, and then it vanished as I exited the vision. I recognized its significance as I recalled a physical snake encounter I had just two days ago on my morning walk. Snake = Kundalini = transformation.

I recalled a conversation with my guidance, from when I’m not sure, but I know it happened. In it, I was reminded of the year 2015. That spring I made some major gains. The Kundalini was burning through blocks and I felt the best I have in this life. I was certain, filled with Knowing and calm. My days were filled with unexpected surges of joy. Joy for just Being. A child-like joy that would rush through me and make me want to giggle and hug and kiss whoever was closest to me.

That year I met a twin flame/heart connection that further catalyzed the energy and the Kundalini was volcanic and explosive, filling my ears with a roaring sound and paralyzing me with ecstasy. 

In this conversation I was asked to compare what I am experiencing now to then. The surges of joy have returned, that is for certain. I just overflow with joy, love and gratitude. My mind is calm and quiet. I feel content with just Being. The Kundalini is much quieter than it was back then, though. The energy is much more calm and blissful but there is still a hint of an untamed desire that ebbs and flows underneath it all. When I feel that desire, I initially want it to grow, but then disengage completely.

I am again asked why I resist. I say, “I’m not”. I hear back, “You ARE.” lol And I eventually agree: I am. The reason being that anything that feels that good has to be bad. In this physical, dualistic reality, something that good screams, “Caution. Turn back.” 

And so a conversation I’ve had more times than I can count begins, again, but I will leave it at that. It is clear, though, that the woman in black is me and she is beckoning me to follow her and face her full-on. Maybe her disappearing is symbolic of an untruth? Perhaps she was trying to tell me there is nothing about myself that is ever truly hidden? Those things which feel BIG and scary are neither.

A song is going through my head the entire time: “My head and my heart…..” The conversation shifts to questions regarding following my heart and silencing my mind. What if I followed my heart? What if I followed that feeling? Why not? My head is what tells me what I feel is “bad”. My head is what tells me what I feel is “illogical”. And the more I think about what I feel, the more justified I am in ignoring it. When angels tell me “run” and monsters call it “love”.

by

Running from Amour

Are you running from something? 

I awoke this morning from a strange dream and even stranger sensation that swept over me. I realized quickly I was conversing with someone. Our talk convinced me that I am running. Sprinting even.

Dream – Hungry

I only recall the tail-end of the dream. My memory begins on a dirt road in the woods where I stop as I witness someone fall. There is a bridge made of heavy metal and somehow the bridge lifts up, like a drawbridge. A person with a cart falls down into the creek below.

I run to help search for the person. It feels like I was traveling with the person. As I climb down into the creek bed I can’t remember if I find them or not because the dream gets hazy.

The next thing I recall is climbing down large boulders and rocks towards the edge of the ocean. I can see people in military uniform swimming in the ocean. I question one of them and he says, “These are our orders.” I think it odd that they have been ordered to swim and look out across the water for evidence of this. Sure enough, I see other men in uniform swimming in the ocean. They seem to be having a good time, too. A group of them is lingering around a massive, concrete footing for a bridge that is no longer present. Perhaps it fell into the ocean long ago? What strikes me as odd is that these men are shining with a silver light and when I look closer (they are far away) I make out what looks like shiny, silver scales along their backs like they are wearing some kind of armor. Note: I wrote the word “amour” instead of armor and I do not think this is coincidence. You’ll see why.

One of the men in uniform comes swimming close by and tosses a tray of food onto the shore. A young, blonde girl sitting nearby kicks the tray of food away in rejection. I grab the tray before it falls into the water and scold her saying, “Don’t do that. Someone might want to eat that even if you do not.” I took the tray of food and offered it to another child who was also sitting on the shore.

I climb up toward the young, blonde girl who rejected the food. I see my sister near her, sitting quietly on a rock looking out to sea.  I sit down next to the blonde girl and we talk for a bit. The girl says very little when I ask her why she kicked the food. She seems to not be there wholly. Then there is a whole section of the dream that seems to come into my mind like a vision. It feels to be part of a conversation and distracts me from the young girl momentarily.

The vision shows my sister and my mother as one person, their faces blurring from one to the other and morphing as I try to focus. There is a Knowing that one or both of them is dead and I am being allowed to know this ahead of time. I wonder aloud, “Is this the last time I see them?” There is a sense of loss that comes with this and a feeling that time is slipping away and if I do not pay attention, my time with my mom/sister will be gone. Focusing on the shifting face of my mom/sister there is regret and a sense of lost time. It is similar to how one feels when they grow older and suddenly realize their children have grown up and they can’t figure out what happened to all the time they thought they had.

With this momentary sadness comes a thought-flow that I think belongs to my sister. Do I somehow telepathically connect with her? IDK but the thoughts would be along the lines of what she may be thinking now. She is worrying about her son, wondering how they will get him to school every day with a vehicle that is unreliable and no permanent place to sit their RV. She is wondering if she will have to have her son stay with someone. She is wondering if anyone will help her.

My attention suddenly shifts back to the young girl I am sitting with and the issue at hand: her rejection of the food. I recognize that she is hungry and say to her, “You are grumpy because you haven’t eaten. You should get something to eat.” There is recognition that she is like me (she IS me). 

Explanation: As a little child I experienced something unique when it came to hunger. When I got hungry I wouldn’t recognize it as hunger. I would get so hungry I’d get grumpy and irrational, pushing food away, feeling sick at the sight of food, and refusing to eat. Only when I was forced to take a bite would I realize I was starving and then I would devour the food quickly and with relief.

In the dream I was explaining this to the little girl, trying to convince her that how she was feeling was the direct result of her hunger.

For some reason my attention is once again pulled away as if I am conversing with someone behind the scenes of the dream. This time, I shift into a dream scene where I am staring at text on a computer screen – a blog post. I decide I want to take a post I’d written and combine it with another. I begin to copy the text, right clicking on my mouse and moving down the screen from the first word to the last. As I do this I feel this amazing feeling sweep over my body, as if the mouse is highlighting my energy body instead of the text. The feeling produces a strong attraction, like a magnetic pull. It was so sublime I pause and sink into the feeling of it. It is marvelous!

Conversation

The feeling pulls me out of my reverie and the dream fades as I acknowledge that I’m not alone. My heart lights up momentarily with the recognition of who I’m communicating with. The feeling lingers but lessens, the energy swirling about, ebbing and flowing as if conscious. It feels very much like someone is dancing with me but at a distance. My heart sparks briefly but I pull away. 

I attempt to dismiss what I Know is happening and focus on my dreams. I recognize that the little girl in the dream is me and I know immediately that my “hunger” is causing me to reject the very nourishment I need. 

The amazing magnetic energy returns and swirls around me, lighting up my heart. A voice asks, “Do you feel that?” I reply that I do. I wonder (or maybe I am asked) why I pull away. I realize with great clarity that I am running away from it. I reply, “I’m scared.” 

The energy I am “dancing” with feels to be teasing me. It comes closer and then withdraws. I reach for it and it pulls away. It is not long before I recognize that it is not pulling away, I am. 

I am asked, “Why?” I don’t recall my exact answer but when I think on it now, the answer is that the feeling is so BIG, so amazingly and perfectly matched to me, that I can’t believe it is real. It must be a trap. It has to be a trap. It has to be “bad”, right? Yet when I feel it, I am so drawn to it that all I want to do is let it consume me completely; be one with it. 

With this I experience a brief vision and energetic sensation. In the vision I see someone put their hand into my stomach area, just above my right hipbone. I resist. The hand withdraws and a hole is visible. It is clear that what I am experiencing and seeing is healing and I acquiesce. The hand reaches in and pulls out a cord or energy. Something releases. I feel a twinge of discomfort when this occurs. Afterward the energy is noticeable in the area and as I continue to talk to this Other, the energy moves upward, ever so slowly, towards my heart.

From this point on there is a definite recognition of the Other and we continue to communicate. I remember discussing what could be – a walk in the woods, a quiet evening, just BEing together. It all feels and sounds wonderful and I agree to stop resisting. However, it seems I am not in control of that as the resistance remains. There is Knowing that I must be patient as this is a process that cannot be rushed. I feel patience from the Other along with willingness and an acceptance of what Is. 

Amour

Back to the “coincidence” mentioned above. I believe that armor in my dream is relevant here in that I wear quite a bit of it to protect myself from potential hurt. So, in writing “amour” instead of “armor” I am being told that love (amour) is the only thing that can penetrate that armor. 

This goes further in that before bed last night I was feeling drawn to a images of castles in a show I was watching. There was a very Arabian feel to the show and the images in it. It felt almost as if I was returning to my past, and when that thought crossed my mind I felt that, in one or more of my past lives, I’d had a great love, one that trumps all other love. And momentarily, I felt a rush to my heart but pushed it away because….well it scares me for some reason. 

And it feels to me the reason for my pushing this love away stems from a deep wound which was made fresh by an experience in this life that reminded me of the very real pain that comes from losing love. So the overall message is that I am “running from amour”. It sounds ridiculous and it is, but then fear is a very real thing and fear of losing a love like that, well, I can completely relate.

There is also a movie named Amour. Whether it is a movie I should watch, IDK, but I might. It seems like the kind of movie I would like.

by

Days of Dreamwork

Since I’ve been back from Costa Rica, my dreams have been really vivid and somewhat odd! I often wake up with a realization or an understanding about some aspect of life. I have been warned now, several times, of upcoming changes. Some mornings I wake up in tears, other mornings I was up in ecstasy. lol I prefer the latter, of course, but, like you will see below, you can’t have the good without the bad. 😉

Below are some of those dreams.

July 25th – Dream: Embrace the Darkness

I was with a group and we were exploring an old resort that had been abandoned for a long time. It was still daylight when we went in. I saw a space that looked really new with large, leather sofa chairs and tables. I commented on how new they looked and wondered why they hadn’t sold them. I saw old phones and knew it had been a call center. Then we looked around and it started to get darker. We got separated and I was with this one guy. My flashlight on my phone wouldn’t work and settings kept coming up where I could select a weapon – knife, sword, etc. I began to get worried and at one point was all alone in a dark space. I worried it was haunted but nothing happened to confirm that. I remember seeing an old bathroom and walking down long halls. I knew to get out I had to go back the way I had come. I had to use the screen of my phone to light the way a few times but it was not near enough light. I remember thinking that the space was not unlike my dark bedroom and that all I had to do was close my eyes and go to sleep. There was nothing to be afraid of.

What is funny is that after I awoke and got out my phone, I accidentally turned on the flashlight! Hahaha!

I think the meaning of the last dream is that we need to get comfortable with the darkness. If we calmly walk through it we will find that the darkness is not scary at all and can be quite comforting. Eventually, if we are patient, we will find the Light. 

Ride the Wave, Enjoy the Ride

Recently, a FB ad kept coming up. After about the fifth time I paid attention and took a screenshot for proof. The reason it was so meaningful is because my sister’s name was in it. It is her name with the word “health” after it. Firstly, her name is rare. I’ve never met anyone with her name. Second, her name means “Goddess of truth”. Third, the word “health” does not describe her. If anything, her life has been the opposite. 

I sent the website to my mom and said, “Message or oxymoron?”

Later in the day, I spoke to my husband about my sister and her addictive tendencies. She works very hard to convince others she happy and without problems when on social media and even in person. I mentioned that she is afraid of her own darkness and so runs from it straight into anything which numbs her pain or hides the truth. I told him that we are not all that different from her, we just choose to distract ourselves in other, less harmful ways. 

Then last night I was finishing up watching a Netflix series called The Gift. The last episode reminded me of my dream. The show reminds us that life is a “gift”. The good and even the bad are to be relished. You cannot have one without the other. When I listened to the ending monologue I couldn’t help but think of the 8 Winds of Buddhism and how it applied. 

This morning, a dear friend of mine wrote about addiction and how so many of us are addicted, just not always to those things most stigmatized by society like drugs and alcohol. Addiction is our method of avoidance. Avoidance of pain, of uncomfortable truths, of life, etc. I realized what she wrote tied into everything above. This is part of what she wrote:

“What is your relationship to pain? Reflect on this….a lot. Learn to become aware of the pain, to stay present with it, to even be kind to it. Learn to breathe with it and give it space rather than allowing it to hold court. Stop believing that you shouldn’t have to feel it, or something is wrong with you or your life if it’s there. These are the fundamentals of self-compassion. If we don’t learn to consciously embrace our pain we will continue to self-medicate and dissociate from it, each other, and ourselves.”

So, it seems to me that my dream about the darkness was connected to the other incidents and realizations. I recognized this and understood that I need to confront some aspects of my own darkness. But what?

Dream: Just a Job

I remember being with a group of women. We were in a small space together getting ready – putting on makeup and making ourselves look beautiful. It didn’t take me long to recognize what we were preparing for. A knock came at the door and one woman was called forward and left with a man. I backed up, not really interested in working. I recognized that I was a call girl and knew I would be paid $65 for a half hour. 

I had all kinds of thoughts about my job. I remember knowing I enjoyed my work but then also that it was just “work”. I remember thinking it “fun” and being very interested in sexual acts of all kinds. I remember seeing two men together and being told to listen for a “pop” when they kissed (never heard it, not sure what it meant). I remember seeing a woman climb up on this inversion table-looking device where she laid out naked while another woman came from below. I saw all kinds of various sexual acts, some that would be considered taboo even, but I never once flinched. 

Then I was back in the room looking at a large palette of makeup. A woman was with me showing me some special lipsticks and bragging about selling them. It all reminded me of selling Mary Kay makeup and I was just not interested. In fact, I felt disinterested in pretty much everything in life. I just felt flat; neutral. I remember thinking that at least sex was fun. lol

When I woke I was a bit curious about the dream. It felt like it was an exploration of my past linked with some of my considerations in the present. It may explain why I don’t connect sex with love. Why I am so matter-of-fact when it comes to sex. I do recall past lives when I was a prostitute and it is likely I have been one in many more lives than I recall. The feeling of disinterest was strong and similar to how I feel presently. Perhaps this is part of my darkness? 

Regardless, the message seems to be that you can’t have the good without the bad. Ride the wave and enjoy the ride. 

July 26 – Night-Long Dream: Columbus Day

I was with a group in a forest. We were on a mission looking for someone(s). The most vivid part is when we went onto the lake (emotion). It was dark (unknown, hidden) and the water was solid but pliable. I was told that during the winter it would solidify only there was no ice, just darkness, almost like we were walking on the solar system in that it had a glittery appearance under the moonlight. At one point, though, a wave (unexpected event) came up and pushed me hard, throwing me a distance. Instead of landing on the surface, I fell down into the depths (forced into the unknown depths). Surprised that the water had opened up and swallowed me like that, I swam to the surface. As I swam, I saw a man’s foot and brushed his toes (togetherness). They were warm to the touch and I thought, “He’s still alive.” I told the people on top of the lake when I returned to them but we did not go get the man.

We then continued our search and came upon my mom’s house where somehow I ended up with some fajita meat and tortillas. I took them to a school to give them to a teacher there. When I gave them to her she laughed and asked if someone couldn’t wait and I noticed that several had been eaten. I confessed to eating one and seeing two others eat some also. She said she had hoped to feed 50 people but said it was not a problem because she had ordered a large turkey dinner. She place a huge turkey (fear) on a tray on the counter and showed me. Then, she gave me keys (access to something) and instructions on how to take the fajitas to her office. I went along a maze of hallways and came to a glass enclosed office with a counter out front. I saw the door and went around the side and was let into the office by a student. I didn’t even need to use the keys.

I realized the teacher was not a teacher anymore but some kind of supervisor to other teachers. She organized gatherings and didn’t actually teach classes. The two teachers under her both had PhD’s. I thought that I would never get a PhD in education because it made no sense to me. It felt like someone was asking me questions about my choices here, thus my thoughts.

The dream shifted to me sitting in some chairs in the school entrance. A small blonde girl had been with me and had been taken away. I sat down by a man and the girl was returned. Her hair had been dyed a dark brown. She hid under a large tray which I removed and put in a wagon I had with me. I then began to go over papers with lists of names as I sorted through clothing that was both mine and the man’s. I remember seeing names and explaining the names were of students in the alternative school where I use to teach. I mentioned how many had not made it to the next level and were repeats.

The man sitting next to me helped me sort the clothing as I read through the list. I was sorting out the clean from the dirty. I remember being a bit embarrassed at my underwear (private self) being there but he paid no attention to it. He was very quiet and accepting of me. I did see some of his clothing in the mix, but can’t recall what type. He was telling about himself, specifically that his birthday was in three days. I saw a calendar and Columbus Day. Yet for some reason I called him a Taurus so I was convinced the day was at the end of April. Someone asked, a guide I think, if this man was acceptable to me. I said, “Yes. He seems nice.” I liked how he was quiet and observant. His energy was very calm.

Then the dream shifted and I was standing near what resembled a crypt in an ancient temple. I looked below and saw two graves that were dug out and very deep. In adjacent rooms were more holes without bodies. I wanted to go down and looked toward a man who was sitting next to another man. I don’t know which man was the person I looked to but one said, “We want to be alone.” The feeling was they didn’t want me there. I took no offense and went exploring.

I walked around in what felt like a temple space that was very ornately painted with high ceilings. It felt like a place in Turkey maybe or it could’ve been Hindu. I came to a vendor who had tapestries and woven textiles. I looked through some of the smaller textiles, picked one up and noticed the patterns moved. I smiled as I realized I could control the movement and saw a bird taking flight. A man and woman approached, fascinated and the man asked me what I did for a living. I told him I used my imagination to make things better, that I do this in my dreams in order to make the world a better place. I showed him how and he was intrigued. He wanted to learn and grabbed a textile and I showed him. The image was of a person sitting in a garden. I made the bees buzz and move around the person. He tried and created moving images on his own textile.

Excited, the man took a tapestry and draped it around himself and walked away saying he was going to use his new ability to help him get the job he wanted. I watched him walk away, the tapestry forming to his body and hanging down like a white robe. I was pleased.

Considerations

When I woke I recalled two things specifically: the solid, dark water and Columbus Day. I knew the dark water was symbolic of the depths of my subconscious. I am thrown down into it (possibly the collision I’ve been warned about) and not afraid. I see a man’s foot and brush his toes (togetherness, the small details, more to be known). He is just floating there. I suspect this indicates a karmic relationship or maybe that I am aware of this man at some level. He is in my “depths”, below the surface, alive and waiting there.

The Columbus Day date was on my mind and I woke thinking, “Columbus Day is in October. It is not in April or May (Taurus).” I looked it up and sure enough it is in October. I was told a while ago now that I would meet someone in October. I wonder if this information is to indicate when? Is the man a Taurus? Or is his birthday really on Columbus Day? The laundry being sorted indicates that he and I share something intimate. The saying “airing my dirty laundry” comes to mind. This means “personal or private affairs that could cause distress or embarrassment if exposed.” Perhaps the man and I talk about personal things together? He felt like someone who does not judge, which may be why I am comfortable with him. He sat there calmly observing, which I liked.

The last dream also stayed with me, specifically my explanation about what I am here in this life to do. I create via my imagination and dreams, making things better here on Earth. I seek to make things more beautiful and images of nature appear in the fabric.

The empty graves in the crypt is interesting. They are far below me and very deep. I want to go explore but the man tells me to go away. An empty grave can mean resurrection or it can mean preparation for death. I remember thinking the empty graves odd and I was curious. Where were the bodies? So, it likely means resurrection.

July 31st – Dream: Free

The setting was reminiscent of a post-apocalyptic scene. I was a child in a large, nearly empty warehouse with other children. I recall being sent to bed and having to follow strict rules. I struggled to sleep and was sneaking around with other kids. I remember being strictly forbidden to have any relations with boys but I snuck around trying to do this without much success. There was fear but I’m not sure what of. I also recall being shown how I was born, which was not natural. Me and my siblings were born via a large, shallow pool with pods in it connected by a metal grid with tubes coming out. Natural birth no longer existed.

Then I was on a trip down a road being shown the state of the world. It was desolate and gray with lots of construction going on and large trains hauling materials and cleaning up debris. I saw statues of horses, hundreds of them, being piled into a train car by a crane which was pulling them out of a large, metal container. This visual was extremely oversized, as if it was meant to make an impact. On the other side of the road I saw a statue of a small deer and a man. I questioned what happened to all the animals. A man said they were all dead and all that was left was what I was seeing. I wondered if someone had turned all the animals into stone.

Then I was in an encampment. I overheard plans to bomb the neighbors who were called “The U.S.” The reason for the bombing was stated as a need to keep the country (or it’s influence) from getting bigger and becoming a threat. The thing is, the U.S. was not a threat. It was just a peaceful camp, not big enough to do any harm to anyone. I feared for them and wanted to warn them.

I snuck out and ran toward the U.S. side. I could see men sneaking around putting bombs in select places. Fearing the worst, I began to scream, “There are bombs! You need to get out!” There was this loud noise that drowned out my calls. It was coming from a large body of water where people were working. The workers were out in the water. I kept running toward them, screaming so much that my voice cracked and became hoarse. I ran until they could see me and finally they heard me and they began to run out of the water towards safety. I saw a horse startle and run away and also a rabbit. I thought, “They still have horses and rabbits here!” I was amazed. I swear I heard a voice answer, “Yes, they do.” The bombs began to go off all around, but the people escaped.

I was running to hide and found this bubbling stream or brook that went deep into the ground. I knew the path and jumped in, letting its waters take me down into darkness. I grabbed onto a root during part of the journey and then dropped into the abyss. It took me to the other side and I stepped out, hiding as I peeked out at the space. It was another workspace, like a warehouse with cranes and people wearing welding helmets. Someone saw me and I withdrew. Then a whole group of guys recognized me. They knew I had helped them.  

Then I was in my mom’s house. It was dark and I was with some others. I again felt to be sneaking around and doing what I should not. There was this large, black man who I recognized. I went up to him and he embraced me. I felt an amazing attraction to him. I also knew he was gay yet I didn’t care. It felt that life had restricted us so much that we wanted only to be free. The expression of this came as desire and when we embraced I felt as if I had been “released” and “set free” and I surrendered completely to the man. I wanted nothing more than to release all control to him and when I did this it was such a relief that all the pent up, suppressed life force within me was expressed as intended. It felt as if I was meant to be this way and I had no shame. And when I thought, “He is gay”, I didn’t care and knew it didn’t matter. I did not hold back. I was not afraid.

When I awoke my second chakra was aching and I realized that all I want is to be “free”. I feel that something deep within me wants only to fully surrender, to hand all control to another with full trust that he will protect and cherish me. A part of me is exhausted from life, from trying to control things, people and situations. All I want to do is flow with life, to feel fully and express what I feel without restrictions and rules. 

I was asked to look/feel into the feelings I was having and saw many occasions of men taking what was not theirs to take, misusing their power and creating fear where there should be none; times when I’ve surrendered fully only to have someone abuse the control I’ve handed them, taking with brute force what should be handled with care. I recognized that I purposefully withdraw and keep up my guard. I realized all I need to do to open up again is to trust and that is so very hard to do. Even the smallest sense of deceit from the other and I shut down, tight as a clamshell. I heard an encouraging voice say, “Trust……let it happen.” And there the message is again: Let it happen, let it happen. It’s gonna feel so good. 🙂