Category Archives: kundalini

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Dream Theme: Exploring Sexual Conditioning

Lately, I have been questioning Human Design, specifically the idea that certain aura types generate energy and others don’t. The idea that some auras don’t generate their own energy lends one to believe that those types then are “vampires of energy”, having to rely on generating types to have any energy at all. Otherwise, they are easily exhausted and unable to do much. I don’t believe this to be true.

As a non-energy type Projector, I’ve rarely if ever find myself exhausted like this when alone. Technically, since I don’t generate my own energy, I should be a total sloth or at best someone who is forcing herself to wake up and move around throughout the day. Yet, here I am, with plenty of energy, exercising 5 days a week, working full-time, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc, and I still manage to have energy at the end of the day. Sure, I live with 4 Generating types, but they aren’t home with me 8 hours of each week day. So, how then, do I happen to have so much energy for all the tasks and things I do all day?

What I see in HD FB groups I’m in is young Projectors justifying their lack of energy because of their Type. They say, “I’m too tired” or “I just can’t exercise like I want, I just want to sleep.” Huh? I just don’t have that reality. “I can’t” usually only happens to me when I get sick and that is rare. I am always moving around and I find that I have extra energy – which, BTW, makes sense because I have so many Generating types around me. Exercise helps me process that energy and keeps me balanced.

I remember my Projector friend being tired often when we were young and she still seems to be like this. I never understood it. Why is she always so tired when I’m not if we are the same Type?

The most that happens to me when around too much activity/energy is I get grumpy and need to get away for a while. But, I am also a 2nd line, and this is common. I spend most of my time alone and am very particular about who I spend my time with. Is this why I am not tired? IDK.

When I was a teacher around kids and people all day, I ended up with major insomnia. This was from all the energy I picked up during the day. I just couldn’t release it all there was so much. Once I dropped full-time, that stopped. So, for me, the only downside is that I end up with too much energy and struggle to release it all.

I think, perhaps, people are just misunderstanding the idea of “energy type”. All auras create energy and have sufficient amounts to sustain the organism, otherwise we would be dead. lol My theory is that the Types in HD are referring more to how the aura functions than to how much energy a person has or is capable of generating. So then, yeah, Projectors would accumulate energy and need to release it, but this doesn’t mean they don’t have energy otherwise!

Okay, now to my crazy dreams.

Dreams with one theme last night. I also woke frequently and slept much lighter than I have been.

Dream: Escort Wagon

I’m inside a small house, or maybe a tiny house. When I think of the space, I think of a gypsy wagon or something similar. Yet at times, this small space is very large and resembled the inside of a modern home complete with large, spacious kitchen and floor to ceiling windows. I also know I’m in Montana (mountains, spiritual journey).

There is a discussion behind the dream scenes that I occasionally catch pieces of. There is enough information to recognize that I have been given an opportunity to select from a group of men the man I want to have as my sexual partner. It feels like someone has gifted me with a gigolo, or male escort, but I am undecided on whether to accept the gift or not. 

I recall being in a very nice kitchen (seeking nourishment, wisdom) with white, marble countertops, thinking specifically, “I don’t need a man. I can pleasure myself.” This is my strongest argument against taking advantage of the offered gift. I don’t see why I should bother with a man and all that goes along with one – their tendency to latch onto me and not let go, their expectations, their projections – all to curb my own desire. 

Then I am in the living room. I am aware of men in the space with me. I believe there are three, but I specifically see two. Somehow I know these men are “from Montana” and I take note of this in the dream. They both have full beards (masculinity) that are very bushy to the point that the hair covers so much of their faces as to obscure their facial features almost entirely (trying to hide something). One man is very confident and explaining to the other man the “job” of escort. He struts around me and the other man, shoulders back, chest high, proclaiming his vast expertise and knowledge of how to pleasure a woman. 

The other man remains quiet and his eyes are big. It is clear he is new to the job. He is happy to let the other man win. 

The whole time it feels like I am suppose to select one of the men to be my partner. 

The men in the house all begin to exit out the back door except the two standing in front of me. The over confident man chooses to take the dog outside for a walk. It feels like I direct him to do so but have no specific memory of this. I turn toward the window and locate the light switch (seeking illumination). There are three switches and I switch them on, one by one, to see which one illuminates the back yard. I am able to turn on lights that extend all the way back to the edge of the property. They are like flood lights but they only stay on a moment and then flicker off. I try to get them to come back on, but only get the front lights to illuminate. I say, “There must be something wrong with the electrical.” I see the man walking the dog outside and then turn back towards the other man.

I take the hand of the other man, the quiet one, and pull him towards me. I turn back to face the window as I wrap his arms around me, asking, “Are you nervous?” He is standing behind me, pulling me close, both of us facing the large windows. He says nothing. Instead tilts my head towards his own and gently kisses me. My lucidity must peak because I can feel and taste his mouth on mine (and I don’t feel a beard). He kisses me gently again and I hear him say (telepathically), “Let me try that again”. I feel my lower chakras begin to light up. 

Just as I begin to fall into the ecstasy of the moment, I am rudely pulled out of the dream by a guide asking, “Why did you choose him?” 

Conversation

Awake and a bit grumpy at the guide who intentionally pulled me out of a wonderful dream, I reluctantly answered his question. I said, “Because he is new to this. He is like me.” This answer came with a recognition of my feelings about the other man, the over confidant one. Though he likely would be the better lover because of his experience, his conceit was unattractive and I felt that if I selected him I would put myself at a disadvantage because I didn’t feel to be his equal. He would have total control and I would be completely at his mercy. To voluntarily put myself in such a situation would leave me vulnerable.

Yet, there was a part of me that was highly attracted to the over confident man and desired nothing more than to submit to him fully.

What is funny is that a scene from a nature show I saw long ago came to mind. It was about chimpanzees. The alpha male went around beating up the other males and having sex with all the females in front of the lower males to prove his dominance. Yet, when the alpha male was distracted, the females sought out the lesser males and had sex with them. lol 

I wondered just how much of my dream selection was based upon a similar pattern, engrained in my genetic makeup, that continues to play out. 

A discussion commenced on my rejection of the over confident man. I told my guidance that I didn’t trust that my feelings were my own. I cited my completely open solar plexus specifically. A completely open center means the person has no defined way of taking in information so they end up taking it in based upon those who are defined or have channels/gates to that center. The solar plexus is the emotion center. Since mine is completely open, the emotion I feel is fluid and has no definition at all. I amplify the emotion of others instead. So their feelings feel to be mine, but they aren’t. I can become easily confused by this, thinking I feel one way only to have that feeling completely vanish when I am not in the vicinity of that person. 

I told my guidance that I feel I have no real emotion because of this openness and they said otherwise. They asked me to think of how I feel when alone. I mostly just feel bored, but I do experience a wide range of feelings like anyone else. And if no one is near me, these feelings must originate from me. However, they can become what I think I should feel (Not-Self) based upon conditioning over the years, especially since I have a completely open head center. The completely open head center seeks to find meaning in everything. So I feel something and think, “It must mean ____” rather than just letting the feeling flow naturally without any conditions attached to it. Then I have a completely open heart center that causes me to feel no motivation or desire toward any one thing. So I think, “I feel ____ so it must mean ____ and I should do _____.” This is my mind and not my strategy and authority BTW.

Lots to think about. lol

Now wide awake with a persistent guide that continued to ask me to review the dream, it took me a while to return to sleep. 

Dream: Male Escorts

It seems the dream lesson was meant to continue. This time, though, I found myself at my mom’s house and my old bedroom. I was feeling very sexual and wishing I had a partner but preferred one that came with no strings attached. My consideration was still that I needed to be very careful because the men I’ve been with in this life tend to latch on for dear life. 

Again, I was talking to someone behind the scenes and a male escort was suggested because there would be no strings attached. I found an advertisement in a magazine and called the number. A man answered and I told him what I wanted, though I was somewhat embarrassed when I said it aloud. 

Within moments three men were in my bedroom with me, yet I was still talking to the main one on the phone. I was hesitant yet again, arguing that I could easily pleasure myself. “I don’t need a man”, was what I said/thought. This mirrors my thoughts in real time, too, as my experiences with men has left me preferring to leave them out of the act altogether. 

This is when the three men began to send me images of what they could do for me and began to sway my decision toward inviting them to join me. The overall message was “the more the better” in terms of pleasure. 

I remember being more curious about one of the men over the other two. He was a normal looking man (no beard this time lol) and I didn’t recognize him but then there was something familiar about him. I seemed to know he was there for a reason and memories of other times I’ve had dream encounters came to mind. I met my heart connection in the dreamstate over a year before I met him online. And another connection came in my dreams beforehand, also. Both times there was recognition – Knowing – that the men were not just dream characters but an aspect of a living, breathing person visiting me. And in this dream that same recognition was present. This man exists somewhere in the world and is visiting my dreams. Whether he is conscious of it or not, I can’t say. 

There was still a discussion on-going behind the scenes. It was about my attitudes and beliefs regarding sex; what is “good” and “bad”, etc. There was shame behind the sexual visuals I was receiving. Shame at how they made me feel because I have been conditioned to think of desire as “bad” and “sinful”. I remember thinking it important that protection be used and being reassured protection would be provided.

Eventually, I hung up the phone but not before the man I kept feeling drawn to asked me for my credit card information and address. I was concerned that he would misuse the info, but someone reassured me that he could be trusted, so I gave it. He looked at me in such a way as I began to panic a bit because I saw/felt something in him. It was a feeling I’ve had before from a dream encounter. It was an, “Oh no” feeling. Yet when he left, I had this urge to follow him.

I ended up outside my bedroom standing in the kitchen. I found some people having dinner together. One lady looked at me and asked me something but my attention was on the two young men with her. I saw one go out the front door. The other was at the table. The feeling I got was that I didn’t belong there and these people were suspicious of me. It is a feeling I am use to.

More Discussion

When I woke I was concerned about the man I met in my dream and still had that “uh oh” feeling. My guidance wanted to talk about something else, though. 

The discussion shifted to my environment specifically. They said, “We want to help you with your space.” I received much more telepathically about what they meant. They indicated that I needed to feel safe in my space and reminded me of my Human Design environment – Markets-Internal. Though I have created my own space, I do not feel safe in it. I don’t feel I have much control over who enters or leaves it. On top of this, I rarely if ever invite anyone into my space. A person with Markets-Internal thrives when they have a space of their own and invite others into it, others with similar interests to their own. The space becomes a safe place where ideas and knowledge are exchanged. 

I was immediately reminded of my place in Denton, the place where I first practiced as a Psychic/Medium. I lived there alone with my dog but the living area was arranged to create a space for me to give readings. I had many, many people come into my home and receive readings and healing from me. I also worked part-time from a spiritual shop and had my own little space there where people came to me for readings. 

The thing is, I rarely invite people into my space, not socially anyway. I can’t see how inviting people would work for me anyway. As a Projector, my job is the wait to be invited, not initiate. Additionally, I am part Hermit, so I don’t like people in my space, at least not just any people. I have to know and trust them. 

It is interesting, though, how all the right people and situations just came to me. This was because I was in the correct environment. I know that now. Invitations come more readily when in the correct environment. 

It is obvious that I am not in the correct environment now. 

My guidance told me, “Don’t worry. We will help you.” But I felt somewhat hopeless. A song came to mind, though, which feels like reassurance.

Messages: “Don’t give up” and you’ve “got stamina”. 😉

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Kundalini Dream Message: That’s Not the Problem

Unexpected Kundalini surprise in a dream this morning. It’s the first time in a long while that I’ve felt good upon waking. 

But first another short dream, one where I see my grandmother.

Dream: Wrinkled

This dream is fuzzy now but when I had it, it was quite vivid.

I am outside near my grandparent’s chicken coup and rabbit hutches. It is dark and the scene seems to shift between being outside to a dark room. My grandmother is with me and when I realize it is her I apologize to her for having her run so much. In my mind I am seeing my grandmother sprinting across the yard. It feels like I am training her to help her lose weight and get in shape. I mention to her that she was 82 at the time and probably too old to be running. She reassures me that I did not cause her death. I feel somewhat better. 

The conversation shifts to old age and wrinkles. My grandmother mentions how old and wrinkled her face got as she aged. I see her face clearly, remembering fondly how beautiful she was. I tell her that I think her wrinkles are beautiful. They come from smiling and singing. I trace the smile lines around her cheeks and say the singing wrinkles are the most beautiful to me.

Message

I woke up remembering my grandmother and considering the messages in the dream. A whisper of a question came to me, “How long has it been since you last sang?” I knew the answer was, “Too long.”

The messages, hidden in symbolism in the first part, seem to point to out how I am fighting a losing battle. Trying to outrun old age doesn’t work. It finds us all. Getting older can be a beautiful thing. It feels like she was suggesting that I will “run” myself to death if I continue in the direction I am going. She, herself, did similar. The suggestion is to focus on “smiling” and “singing”, which to me means doing the things that bring me joy. Singing is one of them. I don’t smile or sing very much these days. 

The dream comes after I told my personal trainer I need to take a break. For two weeks I am going to take it easy. After that I will start back on training, hopefully with a new mindset. I struggle with the idea of stopping altogether because I know that I need to keep my body healthy and exercise is the way to go. However, too much and with the wrong goal in mind, will not make me happy. Love for one’s body doesn’t mean forcing it to look a particular way, it means listening to it, down to a cellular level even, in order to better gauge what it needs. 

Kundalini Dream: That’s Not the Problem

The dream begins with my return from a vacation with my family. We arrive at a classroom (life lesson). It resembles an elementary classroom. My memory of where I was is not accessible. All I recall is a plane followed by being at the classroom door. There is also memory of parting ways with someone, a man who accompanies me. 

The man, who I can’t see but is standing behind me, asks me a question before I enter the classroom. He asks, “Are you sure you don’t want to come to the library (to seek wisdom) with me?” When he asks me, I recognize the time is 4pm and that he is suggesting I skip school and go with him. I tell him I need to go but don’t speak any words. He sends me a feeling of, “Okay, your loss” and leaves. His general energy is positive and somewhat amused, like he is saying, “I told you so”, in advance.

When I walk into the classroom it is very full. All the desks have young students in them and a female teacher is at the front. I ask the teacher what is going on, why is my desk occupied? She tells me they are playing a game and points to the back of the classroom. She says, “You can sit there.” I see what looks like an upside down bucket (self-restraint). I think, “She wants me to sit on that?” I feel insulted but don’t argue. I look at the floor as I walk to the back of the room and sit in the makeshift “desk”. 

I observe the “game” for a while from the back of the classroom. It appears the students are enjoying themselves but I can’t remember any specifics about the game except that students would walk down the isles of desks one at a time. 

Looking around me, I see clothes hanging from hooks above my head. It reminds me of a souvenir shop. I see t-shirts and tank tops with various messages written on them. I decide I want one, because, why not? But I can’t see any I like. 

Meanwhile, the students are all very immersed in their game. I am invited to take part but decline the invitation. I am just not interested in playing. The sense I get here is that I don’t belong and is similar to how I often feel in life. I watch people “playing the game” all around me but rarely, if ever, participate. 

Then I get a text message on my phone. When I look at who sent it, I realize it is the man who dropped me at the classroom door. I think, “Why is he texting me?” The sense is that this man is just an acquaintance and not someone who would communicate with me outside of work hours. 

When I read the text I instantly realize this man is much more than he seems to be. The text itself is lost to me (which is disappointing!) but the feeling I get as I read it is very vivid. He tells me that what I am doing is not working and gives me a synopsis of my current life issues. The issues involve my current relationship specifically. I do, however, remember the last thing he said, which was, “But that’s not the problem.”  

As I read his text, my heart chakra exploded with bliss, feeling to open up to the point that it extended all the way to my feet. I instantly knew the man’s intentions. It was a complete surprise, totally unexpected. I had no resistance whatsoever. If there was any, it melted away. All I wanted to do was respond to his invitation with a “YES”.  

Let It Happen

Before I could ask him to elaborate on what he said, I woke up, heart still expanded and bliss pouring through my body. I was thinking, “Tell me what the problem is” as I woke and I was a bit miffed at myself for waking up before I could get an answer. I knew there wouldn’t be one. I would be left hanging, but I didn’t care. I was too caught up in the heart bliss. Oh how I’ve missed it!!

I remember thinking to myself, this (the heart bliss) is what I’ve been missing. I can have all the orgasmic, erotic, tantalizing Kundalini one can imagine, but without the heart bliss, it will always be lacking. Without the heart, the merging of Heaven and Earth cannot – WILL NOT – happen. 

To my surprise, the heart bliss remained for a long while after (at least an hour) and I dipped into the in-between where I communicated with the man in my dream who sent the text message. Whether he is a guide, a person, or both, I can’t say. We talked. My mind was going all over the place, questioning what this experience meant and wondering if there would be more. What I heard in response was, “Just let it happen”. Ha! Just like the song I wrote about here. 

A chorus of a song was going through my mind while I lay there floating in bliss. This is the part I recall:

Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind

The more you say, the less I know
wherever you stray, I follow
I’m begging for you to take my hand
Wreck my plans, that’s my man

When I finally got out of bed for the day, I had a slight pulling in the left side of my chest. It wasn’t painful but it was enough that I knew a block had been released, or was releasing. This isn’t really much of a surprise because I have been so emotional lately. I’m pretty sure I’ve been doing some heavy duty clearing work in my sleep. 
Another song was going through my head as I got out of bed. It repeated:

And I want you to unravel me (but I heard “Remember me”)
Come closer, come closer……

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Is it Me? Or You?

The weekend before last I came down with a cold. I hadn’t been sick in over a year, so it was bound to happen. It started with a sore throat that lasted two days and then came the congestion, stopped up nose, and fatigue. My daughter was sick alongside me and my husband had had it a week before.

All of this coincided with the full moon and also I read that something was going on with Chiron (can’t remember exactly what). As a result of my cold and the energies I was not my best. I entered into a very negative place and I can get pretty negative, so it wasn’t fun for me or those I am closest to.

My thoughts centered around everything that was “wrong” with my life. I also had tons of self-doubt come to the surface along with memories of the past, specifically my heart connection and the devastation it caused as well as events that took place after. Many mornings I woke up wishing I would die and most nights I struggled to sleep.

Just this morning the energy has noticeably shifted. I feel much clearer and less negative. I also got a good, solid night’s sleep and my cold has finally run its full course.

Questions and Doubts

The main question that was plaguing me was, “Who am I?” I saw a pattern. In the past my guidance often seemed to lead me the “wrong way”. I felt betrayed. But then I also know that my guidance is just me, so anytime I was “mislead” it either was because of Ego interference or because I needed to learn a lesson (or both). So saying I can’t trust my guidance is the same as saying I can’t trust myself.

In attempting to answer the question “Who am I?” I began to look back at my life and those things I liked, preferences and such. I realized that most if not everything was borrowed from someone else. I would “try on” things that people I liked or loved enjoyed. In the end I would keep some but toss most. For example, my best friend in high schooled love acting and persuaded me to try it. I hated it but was good at it. The stage fright was the worst! After we parted ways I dropped acting and never did it again. I added to the list of “don’t likes”. Sadly, my “don’t like” list is much longer than my “like” list. Yet I keep borrowing things, over and over. I temporarily convince myself that I like something only to discover I never did and it was all wrong for me.

After a conversation with my husband about this, he said, “Doesn’t everyone do that?” I said, “No. Some people just know.” But really, do they?

I thought maybe it was related to my almost completely open/undefined HD. My husband is similar, so he probably borrowed lots from others, too. I wonder what it is like for those who are mostly defined? Do they just know? Does that mean they know themselves better than I do? The answer feels like it would be yes.

As a result of all my questioning, I keep being led back to my Human Design: Self-Projected Projector.

April 3rd

Here is what I wrote in my journal on April 3:

Yesterday, I watched an NDE account that really spoke to me. Well, my guidance/Team spoke to me but so did the woman in the video. 

What was so real to me about this account was her specific experiences with her “teacher”. Not only did he appear like I’ve seen my teachers/guides, but her descriptions, reactions, feelings – everything – resonated deeply with me. What was especially noteworthy was her return and integration. Though she didn’t call what she experienced a “walk-in” that is what came to my mind. She was still herself, just an upgraded version, one that was deeply in touch with her HS, spirit, and Home. She retained that connection when she returned to her body and was able to live life in both worlds, shifting from one to the other as needed. It took her 8 years but slowly she rearranged her life so that it matched her truth.

When I was listening my guidance would come through. Sometimes I could hear words, other times I just felt deeply a Knowing that the time was upon me to do what this woman had done. I knew that my integration process was nearly complete. I had reintegrated into the walk-out’s life (former self), learning, observing, being that version despite many things feeling not quite right. I had made some significant changes along the way, but not all of them. Attachment had left one major decision hanging. I have fear of letting the people I love down, of being myself rather than who they wanted me to be. This is the exact message the woman in the video leaves the audience with in the end. She says that people are not really afraid of death, they are afraid of life and of living their truth – living authentically. This is because, in living our truth, we disappoint or let down those we love most. We don’t want to hurt them and so set aside what is best for ourselves to make them happy, to keep those we love comfortable. But in doing so we abandon and even lose ourselves along the way.

What she said deeply resonated with me to the point that I was left somewhat in awe. I Remembered and with that I recognized how this experience I have chosen, this life in this body, is a gift, one that I have been wasting because I don’t want to disappoint or upset those I love most.

Afterward, I went on long walk and had communication come through from my Team. It was subtle at first, like a whisper and feelings that bubbled to the surface of my consciousness. Ultimately, I noticed and some of what I was absorbing translated into words. I remember feeling this amazing feeling of being powerful and supported. It felt like the world is my oyster. I looked around me at the sky and world and thought how beautiful this world is and how many possibilities exist for me in it. I recognized that I feared creating what I wanted in this world because I worried it would be wrong, hurt someone or worse. My past experiences left me feeling I had hurt others and not been my best self. One of the things the woman in the video said is that she no longer judges herself. She becomes the observer (something I have been taught how to do) and so is able to move through life quite smoothly. 

The day continued and most of this realization was put aside as I went through the motions of life. As night approached I could not sleep. 

When I woke the next morning I was thinking of some things I had read in some posts in a FB group about my HD type – self-projected Projector (SPP). Not only did the creator of HD indicate that Projectors were not meant to be parents (but we can) but also that long-term relationships were not necessarily good for a Projector. My type specifically can end up feeling trapped and unable to free themselves from a relationship. Other SPP’s have indicated that they have similar patterns to myself when in a committed relationship. Here is an example:

I’ve realized today that in all my romantic relationships, I always feel the need to focus 100% on the connection. I do really love to guide people, with friendships I can keep a distance, but whenever I have a genuine deep connection that can evolve to a romantic relationship, that becomes my main focus in life. All my other goals go out of the window .I’ve thought for a long time I’m anxiously attached or codependent, but after focusing 100% on myself for more than a year and feeling absolutely blessed and being convinced I only need a relationship with myself, I don’t think that’s it.

Even more so, I get to see the relationship as my life’s work, a project that could bring me life lessons. And I stop directing energy to myself. It a OR me OR them situation. I can’t see it as a part of my life, it’s all or nothing.
Could this be a Projector-thing? Does anyone recognize themselves in this?

When I read this post I was thinking, “That is me!” In both my marriages this has been the case. And the comments in the group indicate that I am not alone! There were some who had navigated successful marriages but most indicated they did better alone or in long-distance relationships where they had separate residences. The married ones said they only did well because their partner actively worked on themselves. Another who was married was contemplating divorce but indicated that love was not the issue. 

So, it feels to me like the only way I am going to get any clarity on my life is to get away from the relationship I am in. I need to be apart from him, to return to living for myself so that I can get back in touch with myself.

Projectors Need Their Space

I have since been focusing on how I can create in my life more space for myself. I need a place apart from my family, one where I can be immersed in nature. A space where I am not overly influenced by my husband or children’s wants/needs all the time. I think if I can create a space like this for myself that I can in turn re-discover myself.

I spoke to my husband about my realization and he is supportive and wants to help me create this space. He would stay in our home with the kids and I would be in my space for as long or as little as I need. It could end up permanent and he accepts this as a possibility.

We are just in the brainstorming stage for the time being. The most obvious place to start is my family’s land in the country, the same land where our old house sits and where other family members, including my mom, now reside. There is a total of 47 acres so there is plenty of room! My mom is in the process of creating a spiritual retreat on this land. I have an idea of maybe building a cabin on this retreat land as a contribution to her vision. It would be like a donation to the space, so my husband and I would own “stock” in it. Though I haven’t presented the idea to her just yet, I think she will be open to it. Why wouldn’t she? A free cabin. They (my mom and step-dad) want to build cabins on it anyway. I could live there when I want, get my space and be in nature.

This may or may not pan out and that is okay.

To make it clear, my idea is not to shrug off all my responsibilities. The idea is to get enough space and time alone to get to a place where I can feel into myself and what I want without interference from others. With my tendency to take on others’ wants/desires/goals and put aside my own wants/desires/goals, I feel I need to do this. I don’t know how long it will take.

Is It Me? Or is it You?

The last main consideration I’ve had is in regards to my telepathic ability. In HD, those with a completely open head center, like I have, are capable of telepathy and this is true for me. I’ve experienced it all my life but only recently did I experience true telepathy. True telepathy goes beyond just knowing what another is thinking, it is the ability to communicate in real time with another via thought and emotion. It also includes the ability to share experiences, not just in present time but past and future.

Not long ago I met someone online who I discovered I could telepathically communicate with. It was amazing and I honestly have never met anyone like him. The connection remains and we seem to be able to turn it on or off at will.

The issue I’ve been running into lately is that I have cut ties with this person, yet I still feel the connection. I don’t know if I can dissolve it as it feels to exist beyond just this plane of existence. This person is able to purposefully communicate with me and I receive it. The most recent time (prior to my cutting ties) I didn’t know he was doing this and I thought I was losing my mind until he confessed that he had been purposefully sending communications. Yikes!

Considering my thoughts and feelings lately, I suspect more of this kind of communicating is going on. At first it created all kinds of self-doubt. Maybe I was wrong to cut ties? Maybe I should reconnect? There were feelings coming up, memories, ideas. This would happen out of the blue and then all would go quiet.

This morning I feel more clarity and am convinced that most if not all of my self-doubt stems from this communication, communication that is most definitely deliberate. I have decided to pay more attention to where the thoughts/feelings originate.

I am still in a bit of shock to think that such types of communication are a reality for me. It is easy to forget or assume it is not real. But it is real. Considering I am working on finding myself, getting my own space in order to re-discover myself, the last thing I need is someone trying to influence me from afar! How do you get space from that!?

by

Kundalini, The Shadow Self and Almandine

Happy Spring Equinox! It has been one hell of a week! The energy put me into a pretty sour mood, especially in the mornings. My sleep was awful and I had a tendency to focus on the negatives, especially relating to planet Earth. I am thankful for the energies that came in with the Equinox.

After about a week of sleep issues, I finally slept well last night. Turns out there was a solar flare most of yesterday and through the night. Along with good sleep I had Kundalini dreams all night long. Where one left off, another began. All the dreams involved a man I am familiar with as well as a guide.

Dream: Profess[or] Love[r]

The start of this dream is hazy but as lucidity increased, so does my memory.

What I recall most is that I was in correspondence with a man I recognized and know from this lifetime. Some time had passed between our last email/letter and this was my main concern as I had not intended it. I remember feeling as if I was on a college campus and knowing this man was a professor. I don’t know if he was my teacher or if it was just his job, or both. 

We talked a bit but there was distance between us that was too far to actually have a conversation. My feeling of this communication was that it was meant to represent communication over time and space – communication between our higher aspects. 

Then we were together in a room that felt, again, like it was located at a college or university. The space was dimly lit and colored with various brown tones. It felt like a study or an office but also similar to a small dorm room.

When we finally met up the feeling I had was of relief and reunion. I don’t remember if he spoke to me. I do recall that I had apologized for letting so much time pass and the delay it caused. When we got close our combined energy was intoxicating, rising and falling in waves of ecstasy, climbing higher and higher. The closer we got, the more intense our combined energy. My immediate reaction was to surrender completely to it.

Eventually my friend disengaged saying he had to be somewhere. We went our separate ways. He went one way and I went in the opposite direction. Eventually, though, we ended up back together, both of us unable to find our rooms. We stood in front of a room. The number near the entrance was #3 but the room was not the right room. As the dream began to fade out the last thing I remember was that he said to me that we must be in a different time (I think I remember the term “time warp”) so the room was not the one we remembered. 

As I woke the Kundalini energy was very strong. I am not sure how the intensity of it didn’t wake me during the dream! I lay in bed relishing it. It was intensely strong in my root and heart chakras but prior to it settling there it had circulated completely from root to crown. Sadly, I only barely recall the full cycling of the energy. I believe it was purposefully muted and for that I am grateful because when I have been fully conscious of it in the past the intensity of it has been scary.

A guide was close by. He asked me, “How do you feel?” I said, “I want to go back.” There was some discussion here. He reminded me to take it slowly and said, “We are helping you.” 

Dream: Little Fires Everywhere

Somehow I returned to sleep and entered into another dream. I was sitting on a sofa in my grandparent’s underground home. The TV was in front of me but I was not watching it because the man from my previous dream was sitting on my left about four feet away from me on the opposite end of the sofa. It felt like we just hanging out and watching TV. I was almost fully lucid but not enough to take control of the dream. I don’t think I would have taken control if I could have, though. 

I could see him quite clearly and knew who he was. We were talking, but sadly I have no clue about what. All I remember was that his energy was very difficult to resist. It was calling to me in a very seductive way. My guide was close by and I was talking to him in my mind about the energy and how difficult it was for me to endure as I sat there. 

What I recall here is the Kundalini rushing through me. It erupted violently from my root and shot all the way up to my crown. Then it would settled some only to repeat with even more intensity. With each wave I gripped the sofa so hard that had it been a real sofa I surely would have destroyed the arm rest. Interestingly, I never felt like I was going to die from the energy. I surrendered completely to it. I couldn’t help but surrender. It was compulsory and there was nothing – nothing at all – I could do but allow it. 

While the energy was taking me over I could hear and communicate with my friend telepathically. All I remember saying to him was, “I love you.” But something about this profession of love felt as compulsory as the energy itself. So, I questioned it. Do I love him? Is it my love I am feeling? Or is it memory of some other time and love? 

My friend just sat next to me seemingly completely at ease with our combined energy. I tried to stay there with him. I wanted to stay there, but I couldn’t, not without embracing him fully. For some reason I resisted the urge to go to him, though. My resistance resulted in much discomfort. 

Eventually I told him, “I can’t take it anymore. It’s just too much.” Not long after I said this my friend disappeared completely. 

I decided I would walk to my mom’s house. I went outside and walked up the road. I noticed there were small piles of burning brush dotting the land. I concluded that someone must be clearing the land, something we often have to do in the country. Part way up the road I encountered a mulching machine that was turned on. A large branch was stuck in it and the mulcher was making a horrid noise. Worried it would explode, I turned the machine off. The “off” switch was very vivid in my mind.

As I continued to walk up the road I was suddenly not alone. A man was walking with me on my right. I knew he was my guide. He was tall and had blonde hair. His energy was familiar. I remember we were discussing what was happening to me – the Kundalini, the man, the process. He was asking me what I thought of the man, of our energy and our path. I only remember saying that I wanted to experience more of the energy. It was all I wanted, actually. The internal Call I felt was strong. There was/is no doubt in my mind I am suppose to follow it.

The last thing I remember saying to my guide is, “There are little fires everywhere.” It was just an observation and had no emotion attached to it. My guide acknowledged my statement as if to say, “Yes, there are.”

The Shadow Self

I came out of the dream and entered the in-between where I could still feel the residual energy. My guide was close and I remember him reminding me that the process cannot be rushed. Through our conversation I was asked to inspect my fear response to the intense energy I experienced in the dream and also at other times. The resulting understanding was that it represented my Shadow, or a hidden aspect often associated with something not very good, or “bad”. When my energy combines with my friend’s it brings attention to the Shadow somehow and so my response is fear and I withdraw. More than likely the reality is that this Shadow aspect is not as imposing as it seems. It is just deeply hidden.

Then, very distinctly, I heard the word, “Almandine”. 

Then I was reminded that destruction was coming. Destruction of what? I am not sure but I have been warned of this before, last October. 

I woke repeating the word “Almandine” and not knowing what it meant. I thought at first it was a sauce for cooking but soon learned it is a crystal. Usually when I am given the name of a crystal it is a way to suggest I add it to my collection.

Considerations

My fear reaction to the intense energy of the Kundalini is familiar to me. Early on in my experiences with the Kundalini I responded with great fear. It presented itself slowly during dreamtime, always pursuing me, and each time I completely freaked out. When it would present itself I felt a compulsion to go to it, to surrender to it. I felt completely unable to control myself. This feeling of lack of control and the unknown it represented was what sent me running the other way. It felt horribly “evil” while at the same time the energy was intoxicatingly beautiful and pure. The contradiction was confusing. How can something be so beautiful yet so ugly at the same time? It was a paradox. 

Eventually, I surrendered in dreamtime. I gave up after being pursued for what seemed like forever. I realized I could not outrun the Kundalini and so let it devour me. It was magnificent in the end. The most amazing experience I have ever had in this body. 

Now, when I feel the Kundalini, my response is the same. After years of surrender it makes no sense. Why, after all this time, am I again afraid of the Kundalini? And why is this particular person the instigator? Is it karmic? Or is it something else? I feel fear, but it is irrational. It is the fear of death, of becoming nothing. Ah, yes, “destruction”, now that word makes sense. To be born anew, the old must die. 

Yet, didn’t I already experienced death from this process? How many times does one have to “die”, I wonder? lol

Dream Symbolism

In the first dream I am at a college/university which represents a life lesson or lessons. My friend is seen as a teacher or guide, so it could be that I see him this way or it could be that he is merely helping me with this life lesson. The search for the room is interesting and I am not sure what the “time warp” part means. Whatever the meaning, we end up parting ways only to come full circle to the same place. The feeling in the dream is that no matter what our individual paths, the destination is the same for us both.

The symbolism of the last dream is fitting. The underground house represents the subconscious or what is hidden. My grandparents actually do have a house that is under the ground and I spent much of you youth visiting there. It is also attached to my family’s land and my mother’s home. So, for me, being in the space indicates a sense of home, so also Home. It is comfortable and safe. Watching the TV is likely an indicator of becoming the observer.

The clearing of the land is the work of the Kundalini. It clears blockages; a cleansing fire. The little fires everywhere are areas that are being cleansed or have already been cleansed. They are contained and small, but they are burning. Fire = the Kundalini. 

The mulch machine is an interesting symbol. My best guess is that it is my attempt to turn off the process out of fear that I will explode or be destroyed. Still, though, the fires burn. 

Note: Prior to bed I had two syncs that forewarned me of what was to come during the night. First, I had done a voice search of a certain item for my food journal. I had said “Burger” but the word that appeared was nothing at all close to it. It was, instead, my dream friend’s name, clear as day. I paused, took a screen shot in case I was seeing things, and then edited my search to the correct word.

About an hour later I was watching a video and there was the name again. So clear. And next to it another name that was related. WTF? I took another screen shot, told my guides to knock it off and went to bed. LOL

by

Lucid Dream: Samadhi

I knew prior to bed that the full moon energies would impact dreamtime. Boy was I correct!

Dream: Attached to My Story

I only recall bits and pieces of this dream as it was more of a life review than a dream. So I will recount the most vivid parts.

I was with a group of others. We were gathering but I am not sure why. Someone asked me about a path near a park. When I answered her the park came into view. It was beautiful! Everything was lush and green as if at the peak of Springtime. I saw a dirt path wind through meadows, past a small building and into a wooded area. I followed the path and soon found myself walking along it hand-in-hand with my husband. I don’t think this man was my husband in this lifetime yet I spoke to him as if he were.

We discussed our past and everything that led us to our present. I specifically focused on our children and he asked me, “Remember when their hands were tiny…” I saw in my mind a newborn’s tiny hand. I could see all the little veins in and around it and it was quite red and new. I replied that I remembered. I said, “It feels like yesterday, doesn’t it?” He didn’t respond but it felt like he didn’t feel the same. I thought about how so many things felt to be like that – like yesterday – yet they were long gone, remnants of the past, never to be again.

Then I was inside a huge building. I soon realized it was a school. It was full of teachers and I recall being asked for my expertise with children. I sat with a woman and looked over a list of names. We were going over test scores. The woman showed me specific students who were at-risk. I saw they had failed the tests miserably. I told her how I use to work with at-risk students and gave her my input. 

As I walked away from the woman I passed by the principal. He reminded me of a previous boss. He said, “Thank you for coming.” I knew he was sincere and said, “You’re welcome.” 

A group of teachers was sitting together in a corner and I joined them. When I sat down a male teacher scooted in close. He seemed odd to me, like a simpleton, so I ignored him. I can’t remember what all the group discussed but it was about student need. I was invited to share and so I did. I felt appreciated and needed. It was a nice feeling.

One teacher was recounting an experience and I saw it vividly in my mind. The next thing I recall is seeing two people on skis in the water. One was assisting the other forward but they were not making progress. As I watched, curious and thinking it odd to have snow skis in water, the scene changed. I saw them on snow and the teacher was very disapproving of her student who kept falling. I remember feeling very positive and looking at the snow wistfully. I smiled at the grumpy teacher and said, “Isn’t it beautiful!?” She gave me a nasty look and I said, “You don’t really want to hear what I have to say, do you?” I smiled as she huffed at me and looked away. I could feel her criticism of her student and her overly serious mindset. I remember feeling sorry for her but at the same time knowing I had not been unlike her at times in the past. I became very sorrowful in recognizing how so many are overly serious about life and miss the little things, like freshly fallen snow, hugs from children and spending time with family.

I began to cry and stood there in the snow looking down at the ground. I didn’t even try to hide my tears from the overly serious woman or the others in the group who were standing nearby. As I sobbed I could feel all the very uncomfortable feelings that come with intensely crying but I just let it all out.

Conversation

My crying woke me up and I continued to cry for a while. I remember asking my guidance, “Why do I feel so much?” They said, “That’s why you’re here, to feel deeply.” The tears continued for a while and I just allowed them. My heart felt like it would burst from all the emotion but I understood the purpose behind it. I can’t have an open heart if I hold in everything I feel.

What followed was a conversation that was mostly me stating my Truth to a guide who very seldom spoke but listened intently and with encouragement. I Knew that the dream I had just awakened from was so much more than a dream. It was a life review. Again. And I remember asking, “Does this mean I’m about to die?” I heard back, “Not for a long while still. You have work to do.” 

I sifted through the feelings and memories of the dream and soon understood why I was crying so hard. I was attached to my story and was struggling to let it go. I Knew change was coming. The review was a preparation. But I don’t want to let go of my story. I have allowed myself to over-identify with it. So I grieve at the idea of leaving it all behind. It felt very much like I was preparing to exit life. The feeling was very strong, as if I was being shown, “This is what it feels like to die.” 

I said some things that could only have come from my HS. I said, “All stories have an ending.” And when I said this I was seeing my story, this lifetime, pass by all at once, like a movie reel in my mind. I specifically struggled with letting the story be over. I wanted to hold onto the memories, the past. I wanted my children to be small again, clinging to me, innocent and full of love. I didn’t want them to grow up, to experience pain and upset.

Finally done crying, I looked at the clock and it was 4am. I was asked, “What did you enjoy most?” I knew my guidance wanted me to focus on the good things. Instead, I said, “I just want to sleep.” I did, however, realize that the moments that were most enjoyable were the small ones. Holding my child’s tiny hand as we walked across the field. Getting a hug out of the blue from one of my boys. Listening with joy to my children play in the mornings instead of being angry that they woke me up. Walking through the freshly fallen snow and feeling peaceful despite all the fear in the world around me. There were so, so many moments. 

Lucid Dream: Samadhi 

Somehow I returned to sleep. I entered into a dream scene located in California. I was at my mom’s house but it was not the house I grew up in as is typical. This house was three stories (levels of Self). The first floor was a garage (holding space, no movement). The second was a kitchen and living area with floors made of mesh metal with a thin liner covering it. The top floor was the bedrooms. 

There were five ferrets (playful, child-like, mischievous) who I called ‘lemurs’ for some reason. They were running about freely and getting into mischief. At one point I was talking to one and it spoke back to me, asking to sit in my lap. I let it and it curled up contentedly in my lap.

My mom (older version of self, the Crone) was my main focus. She was having problems with her female parts. They had fallen out and she was trying to put them back in. I urged her to go to the doctor but she insisted on just pushing them back inside. I told her she needed a hysterectomy. I remember being very concerned but eventually letting her have her way.

Then I decided to sweep the floors (cleansing). This is when I noticed I could see the garage beneath my feet in certain places and that the floor was covered in dead leaves (hopelessness, despair, suffering) from outside. 

The dream goes on with very odd scenes but I will skip to the part where I become lucid. I am invited to a gathering next door. My husband is with me but again he doesn’t look like my husband in real life. He is meeting with a guru and they are going to meditate to reach the state of samadhi. I watch as they get into odd positions and notice my husband shifts around quite a bit. The guru has his legs twisted around in odd ways. It is very noisy where we are and I wonder how anyone can meditate with so much distraction.

Then I was across the room watching them mediate yet my husband was still with me. He encourages me to meditate, too, so I do. This is when I start to feel a warm energy all over and I find myself speaking mantras and another language. Eventually, I feel myself rise out of my body and I fly down the road and stand looking up at the sky. The full moon is visible and I look at it in awe. I think, “I am OOB, I should fly.” But I hear someone calling me back and I know it is the guru. I listen and turn back to my body.

The guru’s voice is female now and she begins to instruct me. I remember seeing sentences in my mind as she informs me of what I need to do. I Know that I am to descend through five levels. The first sentence says, “The Level of Deconstruction”. I focus on this and feel my body vibrate with more intensity. I feel to be sinking deeper and expanding as I go. I believe I go through all the levels but am not shown them as I descend.

Then I see the guru in my mind. She is beautiful and looks Hindu with gold adorning her head and neck. She says, “Next, you gather the golden orbs. There are many in the Universe but you must first collect them from your body.” I see a visual or four golden orbs over my face and I understand that those are my primary focus. 

I am awakened by my husband at this time. I tell him I had just been OOB but that she (points to guru) called me. Since I can no longer meditate, I get up and as I walk out, the guru approaches me. I say, “I  went OOB!” She says, “I saw you and I called you back.” I said, “I heard you.” A man passes by us at this time and turns and looks at me, staring. I realize he sees me. The guru asks me to follow her and I do. 

She takes me with her to her class called The Art of Symbolism. We enter this grand hall and inside is a large temple alter filled with golden objects. It is very religious and reminds me of Hinduism. A group of students is gathered and sitting cross-legged on the floor at the base of the alter. I sit among them as the class begins and soon realize I already know most of what is being taught. I decide to stay and not reveal what I know so as to not interrupt the class and threatened the guru’s position, but I recognize that I could easily take her place. 

The all-over-body energy intensifies. I hear noises and realize my boys are playing, yelling and slamming doors. I eventually wake up but not before thoroughly enjoying the energy. The energy fills me up completely and I feel peaceful. It is difficult to wake up and start my day, but I do.

Considerations

It is hard to describe how I felt when I awoke. My body was heavy with energy and I just wanted to fall into it and stay with it forever. If it hadn’t been for my boys making so much noise I likely would have returned to my OOB explorations.

The first dream was very much a life review and I am not really surprised. Yesterday, I had a long talk with my daughter about my past. I told her about my best friend and how she “ghosted” me our senior year in high school. As I talked and she listened I was able to see a part of myself that I never have. I was able to contact my thoughts and feelings of how my friend treated me and concluded that the reason I let everything roll off me without it triggering me is because I was able to read my friend and understand she was going through something and I should allow it. I never consciously recognized this about the situation until I talked to my daughter and for the first time it was clear to me what my guides had been saying for a long while about how I help others. I saw that my allowing my friend to be herself, to go through her process, was a gift I gave her and in the end, she thanked me for it.

As a Projector I can look deep into other’s and see what they need from me. Then I give it to them. And what I give them is not always perceived as “good” by the other. But that doesn’t matter. I give them what they need most from me. With my friend, I gave her space, love, acceptance and forgiveness because that is what she needed. Years later, when she returned back to me and apologized, I continued to give her the same.

While talking to my daughter I recognized that much of my past memory was fading. I couldn’t remember simple things. For example, when I was engaged to my first husband I stayed in the dorms because our families didn’t like the idea of us living together. What I couldn’t recall was where he lived, though! It is so bizarre! I have no clue. lol I also recognized that other memories, some that once upset me deeply, were also not accessible. I explained that I felt this was because I had long ago cleared them of excess emotional charge. I also expressed that I no longer linger on the past like I once did.

The life review I had this morning was different than previous ones. The main noticeable difference is that I was looking at moments that I enjoyed or cherished and did not want to lose. In past reviews I looked at incidents that haunted me and was unable to move past. As is usual, I ended up with a recognition and realization of where I am at presently. I am still stuck, but not because of something I regret or don’t understand, but because of moments and people I loved and still love in this lifetime.

The Samadhi dream that followed was curious and I’m not quite sure what was going on except some kind of energetic preparation to go with the life review. I have no idea what the “Golden Orbs” are, either.

by

Kundalini Dream: White Wolf

Intense dreams last night that had me waking frequently.

For the last few nights I have had dream amnesia where I feel an intense heart connection-type energy but it wakes me up and I can’t remember any details. It feels like I am being “visited”, though. These “visits” usually happen early on, like within the first hour or so of sleep. The memory of what I feel is so fleeting that I can barely contact it only minutes later and am left only with a Knowing that it was there.

I vaguely recall a dream meeting with a white wolf. The visual is of it’s face, very close to my own, staring me down. I feel to be pursued but come out of my reverie and the feeling fades.

Prior to sleep last night I felt the heart-connection feeling, that intense pull, briefly before bed. I remember thinking about a recent past situation and wondering what would have happened had a certain person pursued me rather than doing what I asked and withdrawing. I wondered if I had any control over it at all? I shuddered at the thought and felt I needed to be extra careful of Kundalini connections in the future. This consideration may have led to the below dream.

Kundalini Dream: White Wolf

I become aware of dreaming but was not quite lucid. I am in my bed laying down. All around me my family is searching – no hunting – for something. I think, “White Wolf” and remember the wolf was in my dream before, stalking me.

Suddenly, I am lucid. A man is at the foot of my bed kneeling. In front of him are many tarot cards spread out. I can see at least 10, four of which are on top. He is looking down at first but then looks up and stares directly at me. I seem to Know, or maybe am told, he is “a white wolf in sheep’s clothing.”

I am aware of my family in the distance. They are still in my room but my room seems to expand greatly in all directions so that each family member feels to be far away but still within earshot. The sense I have is that they are conducting a “search party”, as if trying to locate a missing person. Yet, I also have this feeling that they are hunting a white wolf and that he has been stalking me.

When I see the man, everything in the dream feels to freeze as we lock eyes. When our eyes lock I am stuck with this feeling that is hard to describe. It originates in my chest and feels warm. With it comes a compulsive feeling I cannot deny. I have felt it before and I just Know. I yell at the top of my lungs to my family in the distance, “Everyone OUT! NOW!!!!”

I am still frozen, eyes locked with this man’s. The tarot cards in front of him come into my mind’s eyes. Two cards specifically are placed in front. One has the image of a single sword on it. The sword is on fire but not consumed by it. The other card has the image of a spiral on it. I remember interpreting the cards aloud. I correctly identify the sword but I call the spiral, “Water”. The man corrects me and says, “No. It’s a wheel. The Wheel of Time.” I look at the card and the spiral on it comes out of the card and begins to spin. I say, “Oh yeah. It’s a wheel, the Wheel of Time.”

The familiar feeling lingers. I feel an attraction to this man but at the same time I am terrified. There is nothing I can do about the feeling and the compulsion to go to this man, to surrender completely, is extremely strong and growing in intensity. Part of this surrender says I will have to do things, things I would normally never do, and I Know this. I remember pushing away my fear and accepting my fate. However, I look away from the man’s gaze and then turn away in hopes the feeling will go away. It doesn’t.

As I stand there in shock, I sense the man moving around. I become aware of standing in my kitchen. The man is on the other side of the sink. I am struggling with the feeling. Part of me is fighting it but the pull is too intense, too compelling. It says, “Surrender”. All I want is to go to this man. Every cell in my Being is screaming at me to go to him, be with him. My analytical mind is not functioning at all. It is completely blank. Even if I wanted to consider the pro’s and con’s of following the feeling, I couldn’t.

Ultimately, I can’t resist the Call to go to this man. So, I walk up to the kitchen sink but avert my eyes, making sure not to make eye contact with him. I begin to clean dishes, occasionally glancing up at him. Every time I look at him his piercing stare causes my heart to pull and my entire Being lights up.

The man talks to me, warning me of a woman, his girlfriend or wife. I know what he is going to say before he finishes. This woman will talk to me. I need to listen to what is behind her words, feel her energy, and not pay attention to what she says. Her words will be hollow.

As I listen to him speak I realize he has an accent. English accent maybe? That is what it sounds like.

The dream ends with us locking eyes again. The Knowing is strong. I Know what I have to do.

As I wake up I am panicking and asking, “What do I do?” I hear back, “Listen.” I repeat my question and receive the same response. I Know that to “listen” means to follow that feeling of surrender, to not resist.

The feeling in my chest begins to subside and somehow I fall back to sleep.

Considerations and Analysis

I briefly recall seeing a vision of the snow melting. I saw this more than once and recognized it as a message of the timing of a future event. It will occur after “the snow has melted”. I believe the event to be what the dream was forewarning.

The feeing I had upon waking was trepidation. My mind was just blank and the feeling, the compulsion to surrender, was ever-present.

Once the feeling passed and my mind was functional again, I wondered, “Who was that man? What does the dream mean? What does a white wolf symbolize and why would he be in sheep’s clothing?”

White wolves are generally good symbols to have in a dream. They symbolize wisdom and independence, freedom and loyalty. When a lone wolf appears it can be a warning to be on the lookout for pretense. It asks one to be cautious and not give trust until it is earned. Wolf symbolism is quite diverse and so the meaning is often up to the individual’s specific situation.

Based upon the beginning of the dream, my entire family seems to be on the hunt for this “wolf”. I also know the wolf is white and is stalking me. Yet when I see the wolf I call off my family and listen to what he has to say. There is wisdom in his words and I feel drawn to him in ways I have rarely experienced in this lifetime.

The symbolism in the two tarot cards is most intriguing. The flaming sword is a familiar symbol from the Bible. Simply put, the flaming sword was placed in front of the Tree of Life to prevent Adam and Eve from partaking of its fruit. The sword is also symbolic of the cleansing fire of God; the Kundalini.

So He drove out the man; and He placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

Genesis 3:24, King James Version

A dream vision I had yesterday referred to the fruit eaten by Eve in the Garden of Eden – the “bitten apple”. This dream seemed to point back to that story in Genesis and the Knowledge gained by eating of that fruit. So, today’s dream and yesterday’s appear to be linked. I have no doubt the flaming sword refers to the cleansing power of God – the Kundalini.

The spiral on the second tarot card is a symbol I have seen often in dreams. I am not sure why I think it represents “water” but I am corrected and told it is “The Wheel of Time”. What is interesting is that the spiral symbol is also a Wiccan symbol, and so then also connects to yesterday’s post but to the dream in which I see a man learning about Wicca and entering a cave as a right of passage.

A Spiral is one of the ancient Goddess symbols, as a sign of Life. As such, it is also one of the primary Wicca symbols…..As the Wheel turns, you come around again, but not to the same point as before. You arrive at same place, but on a new level. Just as May 1900 and May 2000 are both spring, yet a different experience.

https://www.wicca-spirituality.com/goddess-symbols.html

At the end of the dream I am warned of a conversation I will have with a woman. I am asked to feel the woman’s energy rather than trust the words she speaks. I believe she is “the wolf in sheep’s clothing”.

There is so much more to this dream than I have time to delve into. The biblical references are many. I read several articles about Genesis this morning alone and still feel there is much more to what I was shown in my dream. Ultimately, the references point to passing through the gates of heaven, being allowed entry but only after experiencing the cleansing fire of God. Afterward, I will no longer be separate but One with God and be granted entrance to the Kingdom of Heaven.

It is hard to know whether an actual physical encounter will occur. Most definitely I am being prepared. Not only am I finding actual physical clues and messages, but my dreams are building one upon the other. At the very least I can assume a Kundalini event is on the horizon, but even then, nothing feels certain. I am left with that feeling coming from my heart. It is a physical, spiritual and emotional PULL. It is that familiar Call that only comes with the Kundalini.

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Kundalini Dream: Refrigerated Lockbox

Prior to bed last night, a familiar guide energy came to me. The same energy that has been front and center since around the 20th of January. He asked me, “Can I come in?” At first I was like, “No”, but I already felt the warm, tingly energy building in the center of my back and spreading outward as if hugging me from behind. Recognizing the energy was not threatening, I surrendered to it and said, “Okay.” The energy spread all over and I sank into the bliss of it. So wonderful!

Kundalini Dream: Refrigerated Lockbox

I only remember parts of this dream. There was a house located in the country, quite a distance away from other houses and people, down a long, dirt road. I remember talking to a man who reminded me of someone I knew from high school – my best friend’s older brother. He use to have a massive crush on me but he was quite strange and just not really my type. 

What I recall most is that the man went to this house, knocking on the door. I let him in. 

The house resembled something out of a scary movie. To look at it you would think it must be haunted. It was made of whitewashed wood, had a covered porch, and shutters on the windows. The moonlight illuminated it in such a way that all you would need is some spooky music and you would be worried to go inside. It wasn’t my house or his. It felt like a friend’s house maybe? Hard to say but it was okay for us to be there. I also recall feeling like children frequented the house. 

Inside the house looked normal. Nothing scary but it was still quite dark. The scene mostly centered around what would be for dinner that night. The man opened up the freezer, which looked like a plain, white, square box around the size of a mini-fridge. Inside was a locked, wire box that contained various sweets, mostly ice cream. The man wanted me to let him in to get out some ice cream. Apparently, only I could open the box. I was hesitant. I remember suggesting he make some green beans instead and went looking for a can and a pot to cook them in. I do recall opening the lockbox, though, and sifting through the ice cream bars with him. 

The next thing I remember is seeing the man sitting on a school bus. There were no others on the bus, just him staring at me from near the back of the bus. He looked so young and bright, as if a light were illuminating him from within. His brown hair fell around his face in ringlets, falling just below his jawline, his face was very pale making his dark eyes and eyebrows that much more distinct. I remember saying, “You look so young but I know you are very, very old.” 

For some reason, I remember seeing a vivid image of jar with a lid. The green beans maybe? IDK. I never saw what was inside. In fact, it looked like an empty, glass jar with a metal lid. The lid began to turn slowly, opening.

Then the scene shifted. I have no idea how I got from the house to the bus and from the bus to this new scene. It is like there is a black void in my memory, like I “flash” from one scene to the next.

I was in my bedroom. A man was standing in my doorway. I thought of him as my husband, but he did not look like my husband, but then I never saw his face. He was massive and very tall, towering above me so that when I looked at him my eyes were at his collarbone. I asked him about the situation that led him to me. I don’t remember my exact words but I knew he had been in bed with “my mom” and that it had become too difficult for him to stay in bed with her. She had gotten “too fat” and there wasn’t enough room for him. I remember seeing a visual of a twin-sized bed in a dark room, This man was on the very edge of the bed because “my mom” was sprawled out to the point that he had mere inches of bed space.

The man comes toward me, intent on getting into bed with me. I focus on his feet. He has on large, steel-toed, work boots. I still think of him as my “husband” and am happy that he has come to my bed. 

As he gets closer I begin to anticipate what is coming next. I say, “Sssh! We don’t want to wake her up!” 

The man is naked. What is odd, though, is that his genitals are on his backside, facing away from me and located just above his butt crack. They are upside down, his testicles facing up. He also has no pubic hair and so his “package” resembled an oversized dildo. 

I begin to pull down my pants and underwear but do not take them off. Instead, I pull them down to my shoes. I am also wearing boots. As he climbs into bed I feel a pulling deep within and realize I have not felt that sensation in ages.

The next thing I remember is feeling a pressure up against my pubic bone. In the dream I see a foot pressed up against it. At the same time I feel a long, narrow object pushed into my mouth and down my throat. I, of course, think it is the man’s penis and though it is awkward, I don’t resist it. It goes down my throat to the point that it would normally gag me, but it didn’t. I can feel an energy expanding in my root chakra. At the same time, an energy is forming in my throat.

The energy in my root chakras grows very large and I begin to anticipate the rising of the Kundalini. Sadly, this causes my lucidity to peak and I wake up. 

Conversation

I lay in bed feeling the expansive energy of my root chakra. It just sits there and is wide enough that I feel the edges of it to the middle of my thighs and my entire pubic region to include my spine is engulfed in energy. 

I try to relax and let the energy move up, but it doesn’t get very far. The guide’s energy is with me. I feel him in front of me and I know he is working on my energy body. 

The dream comes to mind and I realize that the symbolism of it is hiding the truth. I Know I gave this guide permission – invited him in. The house seems to be a hidden aspect, something shared by others. The lockbox in the dream that contained the ice cream is representative of that which I have locked others out of. I open it for him in the dream and afterward I see this guide on the bus (important life journey) and know he is much older than he appears. Then again, I see an opening, but this time it is a glass jar (feeling sealed up in life or stuck). The green beans symbolize good relations with others; friendship.

After that we are both in my private space and he has left the bed of my “mom”, who has become so “fat” that it forces him out. The feeling I get is that “mom” is a kind of authority figure and she has “rules” and sets boundaries. My guess is that her being “fat” indicates a kind of complacency in this aspect of me. She is set in her ways and has grown fat and lazy. She doesn’t want to do the “work” needed. The boots we are both wearing indicates that we are doing that “work”, though, and attempting not to “wake” my other aspect. 

The man’s genitals are on his backside and they look unrealistic. My guess is I am seeing some kind of tool being used and they are not genitalia at all. The pressure I feel subsequently is a result of the healing work being done on me by him and maybe Others. It is familiar. I have had many similar dreams in the past where I feel something going down my throat as something is pushed up into my root. Nothing went “up” into my root this time, though. There was just pressure.

I ask this guide who he is. I say, “Are you one of Them?” He replies, “Yes. We are The Many.” I accept this answer because I have been in communication with The Many in the past. They also go by many other names – The Protectors, Elohim, Anunnaki, The Watchers – to name a few. 

There is a conversation here but mostly without words. I have Knowing, mostly. It is just there, instantly. 

I recognize his energy. It has been with me, mostly observing, for a couple of years at least. I remember wondering if he is connected to someone I know, who I recently disconnected from. He replies, “No.” Then he says about that connection, “You know better.” I realize then that he was the guide who met me in an OBE a while ago (2018) and cautioned me about protecting my energy. I told him, “I didn’t know” in response to what happened. It felt like I was extremely vulnerable at the time I met this man and that my interactions with him interrupted something, a process, I was going through. I knew I was picking up where I left off, only maybe a step backward because previous work had to be repeated. 

This guide explains that the reason for his direct approach is because “the only way out is through.” No point in going around the issue/block. He was referring to my past connection who attempted to bypass the block, something this guide said arises from “inexperience.” Straight through with consistent “pressure” was how this guide described the correct approach. I was shown a visual of my energy body and I understood why there was a “probe” of energy inserted via my throat. It creates a kind of current, or suction, that encourages stagnant energy to move. 

As I lingered in the in-between, I could feel warm energy swirling in my root and second chakras. It created a physical ache right below my belly button that subsided after about an hour.

Later, I ask this guide for his name. Before I finish my question, I hear, “Peter.” I accept this and then laugh because I realize it is a joke as memory of the way I see him in the dream comes to mind (penis = Peter). He doesn’t laugh, but I see the connection and humor in it.

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Dream: E.T. Message “The Alarm Will Go Off.”

So much has been going on since I last posted. The motivated and free-flowing feeling I had in my last post continues and seems to be growing. Yet there still remains with it a feeling that I need to go with the flow and not take action unless appropriate in the moment.

During my days I have been smiling frequently and listening to music I normally would not listen to. The music is upbeat, mostly dance and pop music by more recent artists. I find myself dancing to the music as I work at my computer. My body seems to want to move on its own and I can’t help but burst into a huge grin and go with it. I find myself listening to music more often, too. I like to take long walks and listen to the same music, singing along while I walk. No telling who has heard me and thought me odd but I don’t care!

In the evenings I feel to be not alone so much so that I can’t help but wonder what is going on. Often I feel this unreal sorta feeling, like I am between time, not here nor there. When I get like this it feels like a part of me is communicating with someone, but I can’t quite catch what is being said.

Last night, before bed I got this feeling that someone (Spirit?) was close by. There was a presence directly in front of me that felt to be asking for my attention. I acknowledged it and continued to watch my show, which just happened to be about NDEs. As I watched the show I was filled with K energy that originated from around my lower back and spread throughout my body. It was a warm, comforting energy that wrapped around me, filled me and then just stayed with me while I watched my show. It felt like I was being asked to pay attention as if a message was forthcoming. My dreams appear to support this.

Dream: Two Doors 

I was at work. It was not the building where I normally work (symbolic of my life path) but reminded me of an old, downtown building with multiple floors. I sat at a long, rectangular table with coworkers I didn’t recognize. I was bored and feeling somewhat out of place. I can’t recall what everyone was discussing but it was something to do with preparations and updates to the business. 

At one point I remember holding in my hand a large, balloon type object. For some reason, in my boredom, I began to press myself against it and felt my root chakra activate. It seemed like I was just trying to keep myself occupied during my boredom because the feeling I had the whole time is that I didn’t want to be there and didn’t belong there. 

Eventually I opted to leave. As I walked toward the door I looked at people who walked past me. I realized there was nothing I could do to help them. They didn’t even see me. They were asleep. The expressions on their faces told me they were focused. They were all “workers” (HD Generating types). I remember thinking, “I’m not like them. I’m not a worker.” 

A woman who reminded me of someone I know, was playing with her baby and son. She had rolled her baby to one end of a space and was going to retrieve her son. It was some kind of game where she took them back and forth between spots along a designated path. Back and forth, over and over, repetitively (symbolic of cycles repeating). 

I saw the exit (option to change path) ahead and walked toward it. I went through the door that led to the building’s main entrance/exit. When I reached the area where the door to the outside should’ve been, there were two older people standing there, confused. Someone had renovated the space so that the door was moved. Now there were two doors instead of one. One was up a short set of stairs to the right and another was to the left on the ground floor. I somehow knew the door up the stairs was to another place and time. It felt like a dimensional portal. The other door went to city streets similar to somewhere in New York City and to the present time and world. 

I opted to take the door up the stairs. When I opened the door I was suddenly floating in the air up high above a vast landscape. The land below was riddled with brilliant white crystal shards. They glowed and it reminded me of the movie The Dark Crystal. The land itself was almost barren. It looked like an explosion had occurred there. I immediately knew the crystal shards needed to be reunited and felt that a part of myself went to work doing this. I watched a man float about and take pieces of the crystal and heal the land by touching the pieces to various parts. In one such instance I watched him touch a piece of crystal to the ground and a white, glowing liquid flowed out of it into the land. Eventually the man shoved the largest piece of the crystal into the heart of the land which was some distance away at the lowest point. When he did this, the landscape transformed immediately into a beautiful paradise with lush, rolling green plains, tall, snow capped mountains and vast river systems. There was color everywhere and it was fantastically beautiful. I had a feeling of awe and knew that I had chosen the correct door. 

Dream: E.T. Message

I can’t recall the parts leading up to the end of this dream, which is disappointing, but the part I do recall is likely the most important anyway. 

I was standing with a group of people and my attention went to this small, floating, silver disc. The people with me didn’t see it, though. I recognized it was a E.T. craft and so spoke to it. I asked it, “Who are you? Why are you here?” 

The craft seemed to be able to communicate with me via telepathy. There was a visual as I received a message of an up and coming “test”. I saw test materials – a pencil and paper among other things. My attention turned to a timer sitting next to the paper and pencil. It looked like one of those kitchen timers – round, red, with a white clock face. I remember hearing “the timer will go off” or “the alarm will go off” and then something would happen, something like an explosion or event of some kind. I replied that I wasn’t worried about the test and knew I would pass it because I had passed it many times before.

By this time, the silver disc was no longer part of my dream experience. I had entered into the in-between.

As I lingered in the in-between I remember catching myself talking to someone as if I was trying to summarize something I had been told. I said, “So, I will be split into two”. This brought me to full awareness and out of my reverie. 

Afterward, I wondered about the E.T. portion of the dream. It has been so long since I had any E.T. contact. But was it E.T. contact? And what did the messages mean? What would this “alarm” be? So odd!

Other Considerations

I can’t help but notice that in the first dream I was thinking of those around me as “workers” and thought of Human Design and the Generating types of the world, which compose more than 70% of the population. They are “the workers”, they are here to “respond”. Lately in my daily life, I have been recognizing that I cannot help them if they don’t want my help, if they don’t ask for my help. If I try, they won’t hear me and will likely be irritated by anything and everything I say to try and help. So in the dream, as in my life, I just want to get out of the space they occupy. Why would I want to be where I’m not wanted or acknowledged for what I have to offer?

The dream itself seems to be a reflection of how I have been feeling in general lately. Bored. Unseen. Unacknowledged. Of course, I am also feeling joyful and carefree, but behind that I still have this restless energy that wants to do something, to be of assistance to others. Yet, I observe all around me people doing what that woman was doing in the dream. They are going back and forth, repeating patterns, unaware and happy to remain so. I realize there is nothing I can do to help them. I would love to find an exit to another world like I did in the dream, a world where I can make a difference, where I am seen. And I think, in a way, that is exactly what I am doing when I turn on my music and dance. I am going to another world, my own world, one where I can make a difference even if no one else notices.

That is the beauty in being a 2nd line (HD). We dance to the beat of our own drum. The creator of HD says 2nd line Hermits are there on the first floor of the house (1st lines are in the basement), dancing to the beat of their own drum. They are happy to remain alone in their little worlds. In fact, their motto is “Leave me alone!” lol The windows are open, however, and others can see inside. They are curious, drawn to the 2nd line/Hermit because they see in them something they desire. They know the 2nd line knows something they do not. Others come knocking, asking the 2nd line to let them in but we often ignore their knocks because, mostly, we just don’t want to be bothered. lol It takes someone very special to draw us out of our “caves”. Someone or something, VERY special.

Maybe the “alarm” from the message in my second dream is what it will take to get my attention? Who knows, but for now I am happy to be dancing in my own little world for a while. I am happy there being left alone. It would take quite a bit of ruckus for me to stop my dancing and answer the call, that is for sure!

Featured Image from The Definitive Book of Human Design, the house analogy of the lines of the hexagram (HD personality profiles).

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Kundalini Dream and Message: This is What You Came For

A very active night. Previously, about three days ago now, I told my guidance that I was willing to have Kundalini encounters in dreamtime. I did not expect that it would happen so quickly, though!

Kundalini Dream

I’m with an older man whose looks I can’t recall. I think he is heavy set with dark hair and a beard. I watch as he picks up a tiny, newborn kitten (the feminine). It is weak and he doesn’t think it has a chance. I tell him otherwise, take it from him and explain that I use to raise baby squirrels (locking away emotion) when I was young. At this point I recall thinking the kitten was a squirrel.

I feed the kitten milk using a syringe. The man is still skeptical but I can tell the kitten has the will the live by the way it eagerly takes to the milk.

Then I’m in a room that reminds me of a library but I don’t see any books. There are rectangular, wooden desks and someone I know from work is sitting at one. I am nursing him to health. It appears that he was the kitten and now he is better and stronger. I show him a schedule of when to take his medicine and what dose but the medicine is written in weight – 1lb.

We discuss his progress and he says, “I did 5lbs today.” I advise him to be cautious and not to rush things. With this I realize his parents are not his parents but caretakers. I know them, also, and wonder why they abandoned him. When we talk about this he seems very sad. In fact, I can feel what he feels and so am quite sympathetic. I know in time he will just get stronger and so I keep encouraging him.

Then two other people come into the room. One I recognize. It is my SIL. The other is a woman I do not know. As the woman is leaving, my SIL says something like “Go with God” (she would never say this in real life) and the woman turns back and says, “God has nothing to do with it.” My SIL rolls her eyes but the other woman never sees it.

Seeing my SIL roll her eyes, I call her out, telling her something to the effect that for every time she rolls her eyes, someone is doing the same to her four times as much.

I turn around, feeling very sad for some reason, and crawl into bed (not sure where my bed comes from but it was there). I curl up on my left side in the fetal position. I can see the man I am helping looking at me. He looks concerned and comes over to comfort me. He says something but I can’t recall what. It feels like he is offering to hold and comfort me. I allow him to join me in bed.

I begin to cry as he crawls into bed on my right and spoons with me, wrapping his arms around me. I can feel how open and vulnerable he is – I am. In him I recognize aspects of myself.

A warm energy hits my heart and root at the same time and spreads throughout my body in all directions. It is absolutely beautiful! The feeling takes my breath away. I am Home.

Sadly, I woke up in that instant, tears still streaming down my cheeks, the beautifully warm energy still swirling around my body. It was especially noticeable in my heart chakra. Oh how I have missed the heart bliss!!!

I remember hearing a song playing in my head and a guide being nearby. The song was Come Away With Me by Nora Jones. The specific lyrics I heard were, “Come away with me on a bus….and I want to wake up with the rain falling on a tin roof…”

I remember saying to my guidance, “I really like him.” I said this because I recognized the man as he is not a newcomer to my dreams. He isn’t a frequent visitor but I have seen him in my dreams at least 5 times over the last four or five years. Usually we are just friendly, having long discussions as we sit facing each other. He tells me about his life, how he feels, his concerns, worries, and plans. In one he was telling me what he wanted in a partner. Specifically, that he wants to marry and have a family of his own, but his relationships don’t ever seem to pan out despite lasting years sometimes. He has also expressed interest in me but has not acted on it because I am married and I am 10 years older than him. I do not fit with his goals, specifically that he wants children of his own. My response has always been understanding, acceptance and compassion.

Never has the Kundalini been present in dreams where he was involved. I don’t even know if he is conscious of meeting me in dreamtime. If he is, he has never mentioned it, but then I have never asked him.

So, when I woke from this dream I was somewhat concerned about what it might mean. I have long wondered what was going. Why do we keep meeting up in dreamtime? Are we just soul family helping each other out?

I considered talking to him the next time I saw him and fell back to sleep with this on my mind.

Dream: This is What You Came For

The same coworker from my previous dream is present. I am listening to him talk to a friend. He is explaining how he is still recovering from his most recent breakup. He is very sad and lonely. I recognize this feeling, this melancholia, because I have felt it, also. He is Homesick, searching for something he cannot quite put his finger on and feeling lost and worn down by all his perceived failures.

For some reason I am on the ground below him facing up. It is quite odd but they don’t seem to notice I am there. The woman tells him that he needs to take his time and heal. She reminds him there is no rush.

As I listen I become extremely emotional and begin to cry. I know that if this man and I were to get involved that it would be an impossible situation. Our age difference alone would be a challenge, but there are so many other factors involved. I remember thinking how unfair and painful these types of connections can be. I think, “I don’t want to hurt anyone else.”

My tears wake me up and I lay in bed in for a while, again wondering what the hell is going on.

Another song is going through my head. The lyrics are, “Baby, this is what you came for. Lightning strikes every time that she moves.” But the end part, after “lightning strikes” is muted. It is as if I am being reminded that my purpose here involves the Kundalini and that “lightning” will strike.

My guide is present with me there is a discussion between us. I only recall bits of it now. I remember knowing my energy tends to draw in others. That it is just the way I am. I should not blame myself but just be aware of it and cautious. Then I recall being shown a piece of mail, like a FedEx envelope. I hear, “Express mail” and “Two days”, but I know it is not “mail” but rather symbolic of communication. So, in two days I will receive communication?

Dream: Melting Ice Cream

I am in a kitchen (nourishment). There are young children of various ages around me. I am thinking of my diary (worry) and memories of this very large pad of paper comes to mind. It is gigantic, about four feet by two feet! In it I am writing very personal things, some of which involved the coworker all my other dreams have been about. I lay the pad down. When I see it, I am reminded of very ancient papyrus. It is stained and worn, like I’ve been writing in it since the beginning of time.

Then I am outside, the man from the previous dreams is still my focus. It seems like I am gathering information on him. Spying on him? IDK but I am definitely observing. I turn around and see what looks like my diary rolled up and being pushed along by the wind. Worried someone will find it and read it, I frantically run after it. I tell a woman to stop it and she puts down her foot and it stops but then falls down near some stairs. When I go to retrieve it, I find it is not my dairy at all but a laundry hamper full of pillows (comfort, safety, protection) and other items, mostly various fabrics. I offer it to the other young women around me. They come and take what they want and I select two pillows. My diary is no longer on my mind. Instead I seem to want to encourage the women to take pillows from the basket.

Next, I end up in the kitchen with children. I open the refrigerator (feeling cold or frigid sexually). It is nearly empty. I open one of the drawers and begin to write in ink on the bottom of the drawer. I see my handwriting on the inside of the other empty drawers, too. When I realize that others could see what I am writing, I erase the ink with my fingers.

That is when I discover ice cream pops (desire, youth, lust) of various kinds inside one of the drawers. They are melting (failures). Some have bites taken out of them. I realize the children had snuck the ice cream and then hidden it in the fridge because they were afraid of being caught.

I sternly ask the children which one of them did it. They try to lie but I am able to get confessions from some of them. I explain it is wasteful. They apologize.

There is this one young girl who I speak to briefly. She had left one of the ice creams inside. I said, “Wow! You have grown so much! You’re taller than me now!” I look up at her. She has long, dark hair and a medium complexion. I know she was Hispanic and I also know who her mother is. I gave her a huge hug and am very proud of her.

Then another young, Hispanic woman came over. She opened her arms up wide and the young woman said, “She wants a hug, too.” The two young women together pulled me into a three-way hug. It felt warm and comforting and I immediately began to cry. The emotion I was feeling was a mixture of relief and Homesickness.

When I wake I am feeling grief over my age and my lost youth. The years flew by and I am already in my 40’s. I realize that I need to really cherish these years of my life because, one day very soon, they will be gone. My children will grow up and have lives of their own I don’t want to be left regretting not spending more time with them. Every day is precious and should not be taken for granted.

Interpretation

I woke in tears yet again. The above two songs kept repeating in my head. I consider my dreams and their symbolism. My conclusion is that I am being encouraged to heal and allow the Kundalini to show me the path.

There are obvious fears holding me back. Mainly that the Kundalini has a tendency to bring about painful experiences for myself and others. That is why I pull out of the first dream before the energy is able to fill me up completely. But it is not just fear of hurt that causes me to pull away. It is also the memory of Home and how homesick it makes me when I experience Home again. This reality is so harsh and ugly in comparison and I end up horribly depressed when I come “back down”.

111, 1111

I’ve also been seeing 111 and 1111 quite a bit lately. I see it on the clock almost daily. In fact, one of the visions I had this morning while in the in-between was of 1111. Then today, I noticed my stats:

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Kundalini Dream: Have Dinner with Me

The vivid dreams continue……

Dream: Have Dinner with Me

The dream began outside in a stadium(firmness of purpose to finish what was started and achieve goals). I was walking along bleachers and saw this very small man. I went up to him and commented on his appearance, taking his hand into my own and saying, “You hands are proportional to your body.” He said, “I’m a dwarf (stunted growth, holding back emotion). I look young but I am 32.” I smiled and responded with, “Really? Wow. I’m 36.” My memory of the little man is vivid. He looked just like a miniature man. He had tanned skin, muscles and a few wrinkles. His face was etched with fine lines and he had fair hair. He was like a realistic doll, maybe about three feet tall.

There was a man with him who spoke to me at that time. Somehow he and I ended up in a different scene. The bleachers disappeared and we were walking into an event hall (likely indicative of “Kundalini events”, of which I’ve had many). The room was decorated in dark colors and we were dressed in formal attire. I remember saying to the man, “I come here all the time”. It felt like he and I met at this event hall, as if I had gone to these events many times but this was the first time he had attended.

The next thing I know I am in my mom’s bedroom (private self). The man is with me and we are laying on the bed together (my happy, relaxed place). Across from us is a walk-in closet (space to store or keep things hidden). Though I can’t recall what exactly was said, I remember talking to the man and him being very forward with me. What his energy said is more memorable to me than his words anyway. An amazingly erotic energy was coming from him and sparking in me a desire that was hard to ignore. I remember laughing quite a bit. I felt playful around him and began to try and get away from him. It felt like a game of tag almost with me moving away from him and him grabbing me and pulling me back to him. Each time his energy would envelope me and I would feel overcome with desire and longing.

Still laughing, I crawled into the walk-in closet (“closeting” myself or my emotions). The light was on and my face was at the level of the shoe rack. The man was behind me. I continued to laugh playfully as I inched my way into the closet, moving shoes (various approaches to life) out of my way. I grabbed a pair of dress boots (strength, victory) and put them on top of other shoes on the rack to my left (the feminine). I commented, “I have way too many shoes!” I could feel the man’s energy as he inched his way closer, still hovering over me. He grabbed onto my waistband and I laughed playfully as I stared at rows of shoes in the golden hued closet. The energy intensified and I began to lose my breath.

Suddenly the man stood up in the doorway of the closet. I turned around and looked at him. I don’t remember what he looked like, though, which is unfortunate. He said, “Have dinner with me.” I laughed and said, “Why don’t we just have sex and get it over with.” 

Dream: Hidden Apartment

I was in an apartment (emotional state) hallway (transition period). I was tending to the children who suddenly burst out a hallway exit and onto the streets. I went out to gather them up and complained to my husband for not keeping a better eye on them. 

When I came back inside I walked down the hallway. At the end was a door (barrier to growth, closed off). To the right was another door, a closet. An older man with a beer gut opened a door on the left and took me into the door at the end of the hallway. Inside was a very neglected space with an old sofa, a window and a dresser. I remember being surprised it was there and that it was only one very tiny room. I walked back out into the hall and turned back to look through the still open door. The man’s friends were inside the room and for a moment it reminded me of a scene from The Godfather. The air in the room was hazy with clouds of smoke.  I could see a group of men sitting on the yellow plaid sofa inside. They were smoking and drinking. One looked at me. It made me feel very uncomfortable. 

Still in the hallway, I looked where the closet on my right had been. Instead of a door I saw a shelf with various first aid supplies on it. 

The scene shifted and I was looking again at the room at the end of the hallway. I felt like a child and there were other children with me. Curious about the room, we went inside to explore. Again the room was in disarray but this time there was a door in the back. The old man who had previously shown me the room was there but he was grossly overweight. He was wearing white underwear with a white undershirt. The room was very dirty, like it hadn’t been cleaned in years. Items were strewn all over. The floors, furniture and walls had splatter marks all over them. 

One child with me needed to use the bathroom so I ventured through the door at the back of the room hoping to find a bathroom. There was a bathroom but it was nasty. Two toilets were on the back wall on either side of a sink. There was also a urinal. Everything with a drain was clogged, stuffed with toilet paper and filled to the rim with nasty water. I told the child, who looked like my youngest, to use the sink to pee because it was the least clogged and the toilets were unusable. When he peed in the sink it also overflowed and I had to pull my son away from the nasty water.  

The obese man then showed me another room even farther back. It was a bedroom that had been closed off for quite some time. It was not as nasty as the other parts of the apartment. I did not go in but could see a bed with white linens inside. 

Considerations

The first dream appears to be an invitation to continue with my clearing work via the Kundalini. As has been my tendency for the past year or so, I avoided the opportunity, choosing to instead “hide in a closet”. I knew immediately the closet was about closeting my emotion. I am trying to hide from something. What? I’m not sure but it likely involves high emotion. 

The shoes in the dream are all on the left side of the closet. The left represents the feminine. The shoes represent all the past roles I’ve played. The boots indicate success in regards to the feminine aspect.

The dwarf in the dream seems significant. I believe he is there to bring attention to my masculine aspect which is stunted and not able to grow into his full potential.

The second dream may be a sneak peak at what is holding me back. The hidden apartment indicates a part of myself that has been neglected. This wound is full of negative emotion that has become stuck and is clogging up my energy body. It may be a partial memory of aspects of a past life or lives, lives where the masculine is seen in a negative light. The connection to The Godfather could be indicative I view some part of my past as “bad” or “corrupt”. The morbidly obese man could represent the masculine energy; gluttony, over indulgence, lack of self-care. 

While the second dream may be pointing to my past lives, it could also just be there to remind me of the many negative beliefs I have about men from this lifetime. From this life experience I have become wary of men in general. I do not trust them. Their number one motivation is sex. They attend to their own needs first. They generally view females as a their servants. We are there to cook their meals, tend to their children, clean their house, wash their clothes, and provide them with sex on demand. So, to put it simply, men are scum.

Yeah, sad, but I can’t help how I feel. The older I get, the more convinced I am that my observations are accurate. Find me one man whose primary motivation is not sex. Just one. And I bet if I do find one he long ago lost the ability to get an erection.

So it’s no wonder that my response in my dream to the man’s invitation to dinner was what it was. Let’s just have sex and get it over with. In the end, isn’t that why he invited me to dinner in the first place? Why tiptoe around the obvious?

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