Category Archives: Messages

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Dream Message: The Stages Can be Found in Leviticus

Had a dream this morning that was unusual. In it was mentioned the book of Leviticus. Specifically, it was said to me, “The stages can be found in Leviticus.”

Dream: Leviticus

I was in a home (soul journey). There were many people gathered. I recognized some of them. One was a FB online friend, one was my sister and the other was Bonnie Greenwell (Kundalini author).

I stood talking to the FB friend for some time. He was telling me about his progress in the program and what stage he was on. While we talked I prepared one of my protein smoothies (seeking nourishment). I spent a long time listening to this friend and did not say much. He seemed engrossed in what he was saying and I did not want to interrupt him.

Then Bonnie came and stood next to me. We stood there together watching the group. I recognized then that I was at an AA meeting. I offered Bonnie some of my drink and she accepted. I remember pouring her some while discussing the group. Though I don’t recall most of what was said in the dream, I do remember what she said to me. I had just told her about my FB friend and was also talking about my sister and her struggles. That is when Bonnie said, “The stages can be found in Leviticus.”

Bonnie then thanked me for the drink saying, “That was good! Thank you. Was there much peanut butter (self-indulgence) in it? I can’t normally take much peanut butter but this was perfect.” I told her, “Only 1 tablespoon. I don’t add more than that or else I would make the whole thing peanut butter.” We laughed.

I spotted my sister in the room and went to her. She was uncomfortable and I knew it was her first meeting. At this point I realized we were in a parking lot (lack or movement, “parked” in life) and not in the room. I introduced my sister to my FB friend but little was said. I even suggested she date him but she was not interested. That is when a car pulled up and my sister excused herself. She told me she had to go take a dose of something. I knew it was Methadone.

When my sister came back she was concerned others had seen her. I told her not to worry, that everyone understood and she was not alone. She relaxed some but then wanted to leave. I knew the Methadone kept her from experiencing the effects of any drugs. I was happy to know she could not get high anymore but she seemed depressed about it.

She then drove me home. I commented on how surprised I was that she could drive so soon after her surgery. She had on each hand a dinner plate with designs. One was Cardinals (good omen, message from loved one, rebuilt relationship) on a Tree of Life and the other was also a Tree of Life. I said, “Where did you find that?” as I pointed to the Cardinal one. She said it was our mother’s.

When we got home our mom coddled my sister, taking her to the bathroom and tending to her every need. I went to my old bedroom because I was going to stay the night. It was full of chairs placed in a circle (life cycles). My mom came in and I commented on the change. I knew I would have to sleep on a cot in the middle of the circle (being the observer).

Then my dog Monty jumped up on me and was super excited to see me. I petted him and hugged him. My sister said, “Look at his eyes! They look like he is smiling.” I looked close and indeed his eyes were smiling.

Message

When I woke I was thinking, “What stages?” I thought maybe the stages had to do with AA and the 12 Steps, since I was attending an AA Meeting in the dream. So I did a search but couldn’t find much about stages or even steps.

When I was about to give up, I found this and knew it was the answer I was seeking. I don’t know much about the book of Leviticus but this sermon, written in 1964, really spoke to me, specifically that “holiness” equates to “wholeness”. In the end, I understood the message in my dream was that the stages were about how to become Whole again, something we all strive for.

This word [holy] is derived from the same root from which a very attractive English word comes. This word is wholeness. So holiness means wholeness, being complete. And if you read wholeness in place of holiness everywhere you find it in the Bible, you will be much closer to what the writers meant. We all know what wholeness is. It is to have together all the parts which were intended to be there, and to have them functioning as they were intended to function.

Leviticus: The Way To Wholeness

The dream itself seemed to indicate that there is still hope for my sister. That is what I felt upon waking, at least. There is also a deeper meaning, I am sure, which is indicated by the sermon I found online. And there is a message for me – and you – as well.

What I got most out of the sermon is how God is patient with us, so we should also be patient with ourselves. God does not force us to change. He gives us a choice. We always have a choice.

The stages were indeed mentioned in this sermon.

The first is giving up the old for the new. We cannot hang onto the old life anymore.

The second is practicing love; living from the heart.

The third is knowing God. I interpret this as knowing The One, or that part of our self that Remembers that we are all One – our Higher Self. And in knowing God/Self, we better know ourselves.

The fourth is that we need to make a choice. We can choose to keep things the same – to live in our misery – or we can choose to change. As the article says, “a decision is expected of us.”

God never says, “I’m going to make you leave your misery.” Rather, he says, “If you prefer being broken and don’t want to be healed, you can stay right where you are. But if you want life, then this is what is ahead.” God never forces his will upon us. But he sets the choice before us, makes it very clear, and then expects a response on the basis that he has given.

Update

I think the main reason for the above dream and message came as a result of a phone call. I finally called my mom to check in. Turns out she was in the car with my sister and nephew and the entire call was on speaker phone.

I had been avoiding calling my mom. I didn’t want to hear anything negative. I didn’t want to confirm what I knew – that my sister went home to her rundown RV to recover rather than stay with my mom. And that is exactly what happened, too, except that the RV roof sprung a leak so my sister and nephew had been staying with my mom all week while it was being fixed.

I knew my sister likely shared her pain meds with her husband and that they may have even sold some. I didn’t mentioned this of course and I don’t plan to. It is what it is. My sister has to decide if she wants to recover or relapse. It is her choice and her choice alone.

Then there is my own struggles with life that I believe the message was related to. Without going into detail, I will say that like my sister, I also have a choice. Though it isn’t related to drug relapse, it isn’t that far off.

Life is composed of habits, some good and some bad, some outright destructive. We tolerate so much that we should not. We tolerate the undesirable out of fear of change and the unknown, out of complacency, and out of the belief that we must place others’ happiness above our own.

The part of the above sermon that really hit home for me was this: “If you prefer being broken and don’t want to be healed, you can stay right where you are. But if you want life, then this is what is ahead.”

I want healing. I want life. Don’t you? Yet I have chosen to remain broken.

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Message: Morning Star

I am experiencing a slight uptick in dream recall and guide visits lately. Messages are more frequent and last night I experienced Kundalini energy in my dream.

Message: Strength, Change, Communication

A week ago now I received a message via FB. That morning I had been somewhat down and in need of reassurance. The first post I came across was one of those word finds where you write down the first three words you see. The words I found were “strength, change, communication”. At the time I thought nothing of it but later in the day the words seemed to be whispered to me over and over. I finally wrote them down. When I did, the word “bravery” came to mind also.

Dream and Message: Bliss….Bravery

In the dream, I was with an Indian man who was showing me how to market his successful product as my own but I don’t know why. His product looked like dynamite or fireworks – tubes of red paper rolled very tightly. I was told they were not fireworks or dynamite but rather fire starters. I watched as he put one in a fire, lit it and it slowly ignited, orange flames taking over. Understanding, I looked at a box of six, which was how they were sold, still thinking they looked like dynamite or fireworks.

When I woke I saw a vision of a food package, I think for a drink but am unsure. At the top was writing. It said, “Bliss”. Then at the bottom I read, “Bravery”. It felt like I was being asked to drink it but I woke up because the message was so unique and obvious.

Message: You Will be Called

I have been watching a show called Manifest. It is about a plane that goes missing for five years only to suddenly reappear. The people on board do not experience time passing as 5 years but only hours. Many experience psychic abilities where they receive visions of the future. They refer to the visions as “the callings”.

It occurred to me that “the callings” were similar to what I have felt in my lifetime. I haven’t had them often, though. I receive strong Knowing that sometimes bring me to tears but always feel “big” and include a sense of being compelled toward a certain action. I refer to these experiences as “being Called”.

I realized the show, like others I have watched, contained a message that I will be Called again. Not only that but I have been told by my guidance to expect it.

The show’s name also feels significant. Manifest. Yep.

Message: Morning Star

This morning I had a very long Kundalini dream. The energy was muted but memorable. In the dream I was with a dark haired, dark eyed and very familiar man. His eyes are what is most memorable but I spent a portion of the dream tying to memorize his features (unsuccessfully). He reminded me of the man I use to see off and on in Kundalini dreams from 2014-2016.

Only broken pieces of the story line remain. Mostly I remember the man asking me questions and me answering them. When I answered him we were transported to scenes which appeared to be representations of what I was telling him.

In one scene I was outside a house with a man. At first he stood beside me and then he seemed to lose his footing and fall. I held the man in my arms as he grew old, turned to bones and then dust, crumbling in my hands. The dark haired man had asked me about the man, something like, “What about….?. My answer was ,”I was told to [be with him]”.

Another question he asked me was, “Where did you come from?” Hearing his question, I was transported to outer space where I floated past planets and stars. Then I burst through a “crack” in space and found myself on the other side of it staring at a long, golden cluster of stars that sparkled and had bursts of purple and white colors throughout. I said to him, “I Remember now….I’m from the stars.”

The next thing I remember is holding this man’s hand and getting into a large bed with him. I lay close to him and felt immensely happy and content. It was pure bliss. My entire body was warm with energy, especially my heart. I remember wanting it to last forever. I am surprised I didn’t start crying.

Then we heard the man being called (felt like we were in his home and his bed and his family was calling him) and he got out of bed to leave. I reminded him that he had no pants on and he turned back toward the bed to retrieve his shorts. I watched him, trying still to memorize him, wanting to remember as much of him as possible. He was wearing a plaid, button down shirt. The shirt came down just enough to cover his rear.

I woke, my entire body still warm with energy, especially my heart. Asking to go back, I fell into the in-between where I stood facing a starry night sky. It was early dawn. I looked up at the moon and saw a small star above it. I heard, “Morning star”. I remember asking, “Isn’t that Venus?” and received confirmation.

Meaning of Morning Star

The morning star is the planet Venus (Aphrodite, Goddess of love). It can also be Sirius and less likely to be the planet Mercury. It is also a symbol of hope and is another name for Jesus, who “shows the way” (I think Wayshower).

  • Morning star, most commonly used as a name for the planet Venus when it appears in the east before sunrise
  • Morning star, a name for the star Sirius, which appears in the sky just before sunrise during the Dog Days
  • Morning star, a (less common) name for the planet Mercury when it appears in the east before sunrise
    Source Wikipedia

“The Morning Star’s appearance indicates the dawn of light that ends a dark night. As such, Jesus Christ as a savior, source of hope and happiness is identified as The Morning Star.” Source

Music Message

I woke up hearing this song:

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Dreams and Message: Full Disclosure

I know I’ve not been posting much lately, and I apologize. An update is overdue. Right now, however, I am finding no motivation whatsoever to write publicly. For one, I feel like putting attention on certain things is counterproductive. I also want to be more balanced and centered when I post, and this state comes and goes lately and does not seem to remain stable for long. This is part of the energetic state of the world right now and my adjustment to that energy shifts as that energy shifts (which is frequent!).

Very quickly I will update on my sister and then move on from there because, for me, lingering on the topic doesn’t fill me with happy-happy-joy-joy vibes. lol

My sister had a successful surgery on the 7th of August, spent some time in ICU, was moved to a regular room and then discharged (maybe a week ago now? I can’t remember the exact date). I have not been reaching out to her or my family to stay informed. There are some posts on FB but I do not react or respond to them. I am remaining as withdrawn as I can, stepping back and letting everything play out.

Sadly I know that my sister and my Mom’s futures are intertwined, and not in a positive way. There are some deep-rooted karmic lessons being played out. My job is to step back, observe and to try and not get emotionally involved. The last big emotion I felt was frustration and anger because I could see what was coming, but then I let it all go. If I could, I would move as far away from my family as possible. If it were not for my Mom, I would have disconnected long ago. My half-brother is the only sibling I prefer to have contact with, and even he has distanced himself from the drama (smart man!).

Interestingly enough, my guidance suggested I review past journal and blog entries. I did this by chance yesterday (posted the result) and this morning did another quick search. Just so happens I found this post from July, 2013:

Long ago, when the family issues began getting to me, I was given advice by Steven. He said, “Step back”. I understood this as “mind my own business”. I also got the message to “let them learn their lessons” and “stay out of it”……. I have successfully stayed out of it. I am proud of myself for being able to do so. It is hard seeing family do stupid things and then have to face the consequences of it, especially my Mom. I want to protect her……That is not my job, though.

Apparently the “bumpy ride” message I got from my guide John applies to family drama. I am not looking forward to it. It bothers me to know that my Mom is being unfairly treated; to know that my sister would take advantage of not only her but anyone else who allows themselves to become a victim. I feel like my sister is lost to me. I don’t understand her or know her anymore. I love her, but I don’t like her at all. I would never hang out or be friends with someone like her. That kind of dishonestly and selfishness is toxic.

All of this family drama is part of my lesson here. I was very curious what lesson my sister could be learning. I was told it had to do with controlling human emotion and physical desires. From what I can tell, she is failing miserably at it……..I also know the only way for her to overcome her problem is to get past her physical emotions and bodily urges and listen.

OBEs

I haven’t been sleeping well again. I wake around 4:30-5am and cannot return to sleep, usually because my nose is clogged. Two nights ago when this happened I had to walk around to get my nose to clear and the fell asleep. I ended up having a string of OBEs. They were hard to recall because I fell back into dreaming afterward. I do know there were five and I was being guided through them, working on raising my vibration. In one I sang to raise my vibration and flew around with a guide. In another I was carrying a small girl on my back.

Dreams

Lots and lots of odd dreams lately. This morning I woke early also and my nose was clogged again (grrr!). This time I did some gentle yoga to pass the time. I mulled over the dream I had prior to waking through the poses because when I woke from it I had been crying.

Dream: Winning the Race

I watched a woman running a marathon. Toward the end she got a burst of energy and sprinted to the finish. The woman then received her trophy and won the honor of becoming “queen”. Rather than accept the honor, the woman took the trophy to the rightful queen who had been locked in a fancy, castle for a very long time.

The queen was blonde, pale and beautiful. She accepted the trophy crown but it was gold, long and rectangular and did not look like a crown.

Then I was the winner of the race, only it was a half-marathon. I knew I had decided to finish early, rather than run the entire marathon. Exhausted, I went to my apartment to pack up and leave rather than rest. I decided to take off my sweaty clothing beforehand. I also needed to pee really bad. As I sat on the toilet, relieving myself, I was thinking of the things I needed to pack, which were few. The peeing, which seemed to go on forever, woke me up. My face was wet from tears. I was baffled by my emotional response to the dream.

Interpretation – My gut tells me this was a dream about the journey I am on. The queen is me, in both instances – one running a race, the other locked up and then freed. The dream feeling is that I took an opportunity to finish early. The end, where I am leaving my apartment, felt like me leaving a situation and never looking back. Apartments are emotional situations. I also take off all my clothing (outward appearance) and urinate (relief, letting out something I had been holding onto). The tears were tears of relief but they left me with conflicted emotions.

image source Wikipedia

Dream: Slow Loris

In one I was with a woman who was looking for a guy and his girlfriend. I felt like I was hovering, observing. She was shown the room the man was in and he was in the bathtub naked with his girlfriend. lol I recall the girlfriend tossing her clothing – a black, spaghetti strap top. Then they were gone and two woman were talking to me about an upcoming “event”. They were discussing it as if it were “secret” and I told them not to bother inviting me for some reason. It felt like it was an event I wouldn’t want to attend alongside others. The one woman said, “We knew you would say that which is why we are creating an event just for you.” She handed me a brooch as an invitation. It was beautiful! Made of gold or some metal. It looped around and at the end of the loops were jewels. I remember taking it, somehow knowing the event was in November and saying, “I don’t know if I will be able to go. Something might come up.” In my mind I was thinking of my sister and other things that might happen. 

Then I was outside in the back of a small home. There was a road that ran along the back and there were items tossed here and there. I spotted a kid’s toy – a gun of some sort that looked like a Nerf gun or water gun. I went to pick it up and a boy rushed up to me. I hadn’t seen him there. I turned and asked, “Is this yours?” He snatched the gun and I said, “Cool gun! How does it work?” He showed me some lights and such and kept walking. I followed, stopping to look at some bikes that had been left on the side of the road. One was a toddler bike, for a 3yr old but the training wheels were broken off.

A man approached and asked if I wanted the bike. He asked his son, the boy, to show me it still worked. The boy got on the bike. I told the man my boys were too old for it and turned to leave because the man had a strange energy.

As I turned and walked back toward the home the man came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. He then ran forward with me, lifting me off the ground. We flew swiftly forward and he then set me down. I wasn’t afraid, somehow knowing he meant me no harm. When he put me down he asked me, “How was that?” I said something back acknowledging his ability. He stood facing me, smiling, and seemed to want more. I didn’t recognize him. He had light hair and was tall and skinny. He pushed me to the ground and leaned over me like he was exerting his dominance. I didn’t resist, still knowing he didn’t intend me harm. He let me get up and I walked back toward the house. 

On my way back I began to fly, hovering close to the ground, looking at the scenery. There were these beautiful shrubs near the house. They had red tips and were quite overgrown. I floated over them, touching them and watching as the red tips came off and flew around me like flower petals.

Then I spotted something on the ground near the white porch beam. It was a peculiar feather. I picked it up and asked aloud what kind of bird had such a feather. I carried it with me as I talked to someone and this person motioned the feather saying it was some creature I had never heard of. I remember thinking, “sloth” and “slow loris” and as I looked down the feather turned into a fluffy white animal of some sort. It had the face of a cat but without legs. The body was just a long fluffy tube. 

I held the cat thing for a while noticing its behavior. It seemed quiet and like it wanted to hide. The person was telling me about it but I can’t recall what they said. I just remember putting the cat thing on my shoulder and hearing little cat noises and feeling claws gripping my shoulder even though it had no feet. 

At one point the cat thing withdrew into a tube, shrinking down like an eel would do. The outer fluffy part slid away and became separate. I knew to keep the cat creature with the fluffy tube and set it free.

Somehow I ended up in the house at a kitchen table feeding the cat thing. It was eating pats of butter. When I put my hand too close it accidentally chomped down on my finger but it didn’t hurt. I remember saying I shouldn’t have done that as it was eating and it thought my finger was the butter.

Interpretation – The dream about “November” stood out. It seems to indicate some “event” will take place. Maybe it has to do with the brooch? Hard to say but it resembled a LL symbol. A brooch means moving forward, important choices and can be an award for one’s efforts. The cat creature could represent the Kundalini. I think it significant that I took the cat creature into my grandmother’s kitchen. This is the location I use to go to for K events and other significant OBEs. Butter symbolizes richness and flavor. It can mean the end of hard times and the need for more love and affection. 

Messages

From this morning:

“Full disclosure” is coming. “Don’t worry, you will be clear enough when it does.”

“Give yourself the opportunity to hold space-time. These will not be there when you leave.”

Vision: Saw the tar pits in California. Remembered how when I visited the tar pits the guide told us how many animals fell in and suffocated, trapped forever. I thought the only way to avoid getting trapped was to be a bird and stay on the edges. With this thought I saw a small, white bird fly down to the edge and dip one toe in. Woke up knowing, “Earth is the tar pit of the Universe.”

Vision: I am sitting next to a man (he’s on my left) at a round table. Across from us sits another man, watching us. He feels important and motions to the plates in front of us. Eagerly, I reach down and pick up a juicy hamburger and take a bite. The man does this, too. It tastes wonderful. I feel guilty, thinking, “I’m eating meat.” I look down and the meat is gone. The burger no longer looks like a burger but still has a round shape. I come out of my reverie suddenly.

My thoughts: Whatever “full disclosure” is, I will be ready for it. As for “holding space-time” I am not sure what it means but I remember saying back to my guide, “You are right”. It feels like “holding space-time” means living in the physical and mastering the experience. The Tar Pit vision is self-explanatory. I think I am trying to be, or am, the bird. The hamburger vision was very real – touch and taste specifically. Hamburgers = wholeness.

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Dreams Indicate a Lesson Will Repeat Itself

Meant to post this over the weekend but was too busy. The following dreams were from Saturday morning, July 11th.

Dream: World History A

I was in a college setting. The color brown was prominent as if I was in an older building similar to very old universities. I was discussing my upcoming school schedule with a man. I remember being asked about returning after such a long break and reminded how I failed a class – World History A (first half of the full course). He indicated that in the end I had just failed to come to the class and did not even bother to withdraw. So he had to assign me a grade in the end.

I remember feeling a dislike for the course and not being excited to have to repeat it but I also had a hopeful, determined feeling about returning to school and finishing the last semester to obtain my second bachelors degree once and for all.

Looking at my schedule I had five classes but the only ones I recalled were World History B and Algebra. Algebra was the last class and World History B was the third one. The fourth class was an elective the school had assigned me because I had not selected one. I asked if I could retake World History A during 4th period and was told I needed to speak to the professor about it. I asked if he was “black” and described the professor I remembered. The man told me, “I don’t know.”

My memory of the World History A course indicated I did not like the professor’s teaching style. The class was asked to read The Hobbit  chapter-by-chapter together, analyzing the characters and then taking very long tests about the story. I recall my grades being poor and my final grade was 34%. There was anxiety about how my new grade would be determined. Would they average my first grade with my new grade? If so that would mean I would have to make a very good grade this time around.

The World History B class was with a new professor who had a teaching style much easier for me to adjust to. It focused on the Lord of the Rings trilogy. The World History A teacher had a style I struggled with. I could never figure it out which is why I did so poorly. I made a decision to study harder this time around and pass the course once and for all so I could graduate and move on.

I was taken to meet the World History A professor. He was in a room surrounded by many students and did not appear as I thought he would. Yes, he had darker toned skin but he was not “black”. He was also very laid back. He had many of students surrounding him and they were all very friendly, almost too much so, like they were intoxicated or high. Many of them touched me as they passed and looked at me like they were looking into my soul.

I asked if he would allow me to add his class. He reminded me the first day of school had just passed and I would miss out on that first day. I reassured him I could handle the missed work. He agreed to let me join the class.

My dream memory fades out here and I remember having a conversation with a guide. He shows me three uncooked hot dog wieners and points to the first one. I knew they represented men in my life (wiener = penis = masculine) and that he was saying the World History A class was representative of this first masculine energy somehow. I had failed the lesson pertaining to this masculine energy and so now was returning to give it another try.

Dream: Bosu Fruit

I left the school to meet up with my Mom and step-dad. I was walking outside near a large garden with my mom waiting for her husband. He pulled up in a van and asked if I could get him the hose. I walked to the garden and saw a large watering set-up with various size hoses. I selected one that was tossed to the side and offered it to him. He said it was too flimsy and pointed to a larger one. I recall looking closely at the system and marveling at how it worked. The garden was lush and tall flowers peaked over the fence nearby. I believe they were sunflowers.

Then we drove to a house and went inside. My mom and I went on the back patio. I noticed her hair was very curly and she commented that she over did it and had not intended it to be that way. I told it it looked nice and remembered how she use to get perms to make her hair that way in the 80’s.

Then I saw a short tree full of ripe fruits. There were some fruits on the ground, too. I began to select them, sorting through those that had imperfections from birds and small animals taking bites out of their ripe flesh. The fruits were small and fuzzy like peaches and quite red. I asked my Mom what they were called and she said, “Bosu fruit”. The name didn’t make sense to me and I kept asking her again and she would repeat “Bosu” but I would think Kumquat or peach.

Then we were eating a dish made from the fruit I had picked The dish had a red sauce that tasted like spaghetti sauce. I remember this confused me. It was a fruit, right? Why did it taste like tomatoes? When I looked in the sauce I could see the red fruit, some in whole pieces. I kept eating the dish. The taste is still very strong in my memory.

Bosu

When I woke I lingered in bed and songs and conversations floated through my mind as I drifted in and out of the in-between.

I remember wondering what “bosu” meant. I got a full sentence that I can’t remember now (of course) but it was something like, “It’s time to awaken and expand your consciousness, not contract into yourself.”

The name Bosu reminds me of the BOSU ball used in exercise. It is mostly used for increasing one’s proprioception – the body’s ability to sense location, movement and action without thinking about it. Proprioception is sometimes described as the “sixth sense”.

BOSU ball

It feels as if the fruit symbolism and name is meant to remind me to trust myself and use my intuition or sixth sense to guide me. 🙂

Considerations

I’m not sure what the history class dream signifies except that I am returning to a lesson I failed to learn. Being it is a history class that focuses on The Hobbit it could be about my journey to Self. The Hobbit is about a hermit who has to step outside of his comfort zone and venture into the unknown. So perhaps that is the lesson I need to learn still? The Lord of the Rings trilogy of the second class is also a symbol. Here it is indicative of the second half of this lesson. My guess is it is more about the world being disrupted by a great evil and the part I have to play in it alongside others who have similar missions. I am to learn both lessons in the same “semester”. The Algebra class is also part of this semester indicating that logic and reason are also a lesson somehow.

My take on the dream is that I am back-tracking. This makes me feel a bit disappointed. It seems I am always going back to lessons and it is tiring. No wonder I was so determined in the dream to “study hard” to pass the classes and graduate!

The bosu message is also interesting. It just felt that I was being asked to return to a more expanded consciousness; to expand rather than contract inward. The fruit itself initially looked like and felt like a Peach. Peaches symbolize love and relationships. The fruit itself was a deep shade of red, though, and ultimately tasted like a tomato, which is also a fruit. Tomatoes represent approaching good fortune, passionate and often concealed love, and fertility. Red in and of itself is the color of love and passion

Combined, the two dreams seem to indicate a return to a lesson involving the masculine energy (or a male individual). The fruit part indicates a concealed, passionate love connection as well. This lesson would be one that was not fully learned. As the teacher reminds me in the dream, I stopped attending class but never officially withdrew. Therefore, I avoided the lesson in the end, maybe because I felt I could not successfully complete it after failing so many tests. I may not have withdrawn completely because a part of me was still interested or believed I could pass the class. 

Much of the first dream involved my consideration about the teacher of World History A. I saw his skin as black and disliked his teaching style. The color black can symbolize the unknown but it can also represent a dark side or aspect of something. When I finally met him he was not black after all and his students were all intoxicated. To me this is symbolic of the Kundalini energy and points to my withdrawal from my previous lessons with the energy.

The Hobbit symbolism gives some insight into the lessons I was learning at least. Knowing me, the lesson asked me to expand beyond my comfort zone and I was not ready to. Instead I chose to stay in my “Hobbit hole”. lol This I can completely relate to. When given a choice to take a risk or stay safe, I tend to choose safety.

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Back to the Basics

I skimmed through a book yesterday. The title was From Stress to Stillness: Tools for Inner Peace. I only read it because I have been feeling unbalanced and a bit unsettled and so was seeking some resolution. 

Here are some quotes I wrote down that resonated with me. Some resonated so deeply I had tears in my eyes:

“The ego often pushes us toward goals that aren’t ultimately fulfilling, ones that don’t really fit for us but are driven by fear and a sense of lack and not being good enough. Or the ego might limit us by talking us out of pursuing goals and activities that would make our heart sing.” p. 7

“When we allow the egoic mind to run our activities, we end up feeling like a machine: souless and joyless.” p. 21

“The ego wants clarity now, but clarity about how to proceed happens in its own time. Sometimes we have to patiently wait for Life to show us the next step. Sometimes not having clarity is the clarity.” p. 71

“These communications from our heart feel good, even euphoric. How gracious of Life to point the way with good feelings! And the unpleasant feelings and depression we experience when we believe the mind’s lies and half-truths are how Life shows us which directions not to go in. How benevolent of Life!” p. 76

All of the above quotes moved me/resonated but the last one especially. When I read about allowing the heart to show me the way I had a shot of energy hit my heart. It came in from the lower left of my body like a lightning bolt. When it hit I recognized something and I began to cry. It was an instant “ah-ha” about something I had missed from over a year ago now. I suddenly knew everything I was reading was true to me, especially the part where the ego convinced me that what my heart wants is not the “logical” thing to do. I saw instances where I had ignored my heart and listened to my egos lies and “logic”. I saw how my depression has always been a warning that I am heading in the wrong direction.

Sadly, the book was very repetitive so I ended up skimming through several chapters which is okay because I believe I received the messages I was meant to. 

The book indicated to me that I had allowed my egoic mind to pull me into it’s nonsense once again. It is so easy to get pulled in and the author reminds the reader not to despair. The ego is part of the many challenges we face when we descend into these physical bodies. Rather than judge myself harshly I should make a course correction. 

So I am going to return to daily meditation, aiming at 30 minutes to start with the goal of an hour daily. I did this successfully last night but since I am out of practice my mind wandered quite a bit and I struggled to get comfortable. 

At one point, toward the end, I found myself witnessing a visual of a word moving across my field of vision. It was written in 3D letters and said, “Postpone”. Not long after this message I was startled by what seemed like very loud music. Music had always been part of the meditation so I thought, “When did the music stop?” I realized that it hadn’t. I had shifted into a deeper state, one where the music blended into the silence.

Years ago I would meditate frequently in order to achieve a conscious OBE. I became so adept at it that I would go into trance very quickly upon entering a meditative state. I became so good at it that I ended up in trance at the most inappropriate times – like driving my car! Meditation is like riding a bike, you never forget how to do it even if you stop practicing. This time I want to use my meditation practice to find Silence rather than exit my body. I have gone OOB enough. Now it is time to focus on being IN the body but not in the mind (ego). 

One would think after having the realizations I had from this book that I would change course drastically, but I’m not – can’t. To do so would most certainly throw me back into the chaos of my mind. I have to start slow which is why I am going to begin with my meditation goal and observe my thoughts throughout the day. As the author of the book reminds, those thoughts are not mine. They are an illusion, a part of the false self. 

The book also helped me to see that there are many things I am doing right. Many choices I made from the heart, choices where I opted to slow down and focus more on what matters to me rather than what society and others pushed upon me. I chose to leave teaching and counseling. I chose to stay home and work part-time. I chose to work in a career that gave me more freedom, less stress and more time with my children. I tossed money out the door as my primary consideration. 

There are many, many other examples. I may be human and flawed. I may be a bit deaf when it comes to my heart. We all are. Ultimately, we listen, even if at times it means we struggle in the dark for a while before we do. 

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Five Dead Beetles

Quick update on my sister for those interested.

She is still in the hospital. At first she was waiting for the hospital to find a home service to come administer her daily intravenous antibiotics. This obviously didn’t pan out, probably because my Mom’s home is in the country (distance) and home health services are limited due to increasing Covid-19 infection rates (fear, lack of staff).

My husband went to visit her and returned home with some unfortunate news. When he asked my sister about her Meth abuse and how it had put her in the hospital and destroyed her heart valve, she claimed the Meth was not the reason her valve failed. Instead she explained how Meth was helping her – giving her inspiration and motivation to complete projects. She also pointed out how she had been using for six years without any complications and her valve had withstood the test of time, even outliving its original ten year expiration date.

Upon hearing this I was very disappointed. I asked my husband if he pointed out how Meth had rotted her teeth, leading to the sepsis that ultimately pushed her body to its limits. He said he had and she said she only had tooth decay because, “Meth makes you forget to brush your teeth.”

My husband pointed out the obvious – my sister has no intention of quitting once she has the surgery.

When I spoke to my Mom about I said to her, “I wish she would just decide whether she wants to live or die. It feels like she keeps changing her mind.” My Mom replied with, “That’s interesting because that is exactly what the surgical team said – she needs to decide whether she wants to live or die.”

The same day this news came to light I had other family issues arise and again began to lose my voice. 😦

My Mom also told me that my sister said the surgical team is planning on doing her surgery on the 15th. This makes no sense since the last major news was that it would take 45 days for the insurance to be transferred to the correct region. Perhaps she has it wrong and the surgery is scheduled for August 15? That would make more sense.

In the meanwhile, my sister wants out of the hospital. She is feeling good and so thinks there is no need for her to be there even though the doctors warned her that though she feels good her heart is near failure and she needs to “take it easy”. It would not surprise me if she checks herself out against medical advice like she did last time. Sigh.

Dreams and Messages

Thankfully I’ve been sleeping pretty well through all this drama. The dreams I have are mixed with memory of them fading quickly upon waking.

I’ve had several dreams where I am working as a counselor again. The dreams usually result in a confusion of my dream self. I wonder, “Why am I here? I already had a job?” The most recent dream resulted in me feeling like taking a counseling job would betray my current coworkers and so I was quite split about the decision.

It makes me wonder if I am considering returning to counseling on some level….

Recently I awoke speaking to someone in Spirit. My heart chakra was warm and active. It was a wonderful feeling, one I haven’t felt in a long while.

Another morning I woke up from a dream about food. I asked, “Why do I keep having dreams about food?” My guides replied with, “What do you nourish yourself with?”

This is a good question to ask ones self, especially if one is unhappy or feeling negative or rollercoastering.

I concluded that my mental nourishment needed adjustment and that I should focus on increasing my spiritual nourishment.

My self-talk has always been an issue because I tend toward self-criticism and self-judgment. Perfectionism at its best. It is easy to see only what is wrong and be blind to one’s blessings. So I have been working on focusing on my blessings but it is difficult with all the family drama and high triggering effect it has.

I’ve also become lax in my spiritual practices. Meditation isn’t happening much these days nor am I paying much attention to the signs and syncs the Universe sends.

As soon as I decided to pay attention, the signs started coming.

Beetle Symbolism

A few days ago, while at my Mom’s, I found five dead beetles. These were no ordinary beetles, though. In fact, I’ve never seen such large beetles in Texas before and I’ve lived here for most of my life. They are about two inches and some have horns on them. In fact, they look similar to a rhinoceros beetle.

The beetles I found. They are known as Ox Beetles, part of the scarab family of beetles.

I was fascinated with the beetles and took several pictures after examining them all and noting their differences. The two males have horns. Each male was found next to one female and another female was found alone. You can see one of the females has her wings out. She is also missing her abdomen. The other four are perfectly intact down to their antennae.

Previous to this beetle discovery I had found a lone female (on June 6th). I also took photos and inspected her closely, fascinated by her size and preservation.

Copy of my Instagram post on June 6th.

The connection between them seems to be what was happening at the time of discovering them – the same family drama, relationship issues, boredom and questioning of my life. The last message I had received prior to June 6th was that I needed to dive into healing, focusing on my heart. I had a similar message about my heart and “doing the work” not long after.

The beetle is a symbol of transformation, eternity, moving between worlds, cosmic forces, rebirth and enlightenment. Since these beetles are dead, I wonder if this is a bad omen? Or it might just mean I am feeling “dead” in regards to the spiritual in my life? The last seems the most true to me. It may not be that these aspects are dead but that they are hidden from me due to all the physical world drama of late.

The female with her wings out and missing her abdomen feels like a representation of me. I tried to fly but couldn’t and in the process lost my “core” or received an injury to that portion of myself. The five beetles coincides with the number of individuals in my family which may or may not be significant.

Energy

Energetically I have been all over the place. Some days I feel quite balanced while other I feel disconnected, confused, or just plain triggered. The full moon eclipse of the 4th was especially odd. Mostly I just wanted to be alone but because of the family activities felt pressured into being around lots of people, people who I don’t feel much if any connection to.

Mostly I am left with a questioning of where I am currently in life, feeling the need to inspect the quality of the connections I have. Do the people I associate with resonate with me? If they don’t, then what? How do I correct this?

I am also questioning my future. What lies ahead? Sadly I see very little and have no specific goals in mind. In a recent conversation with my Mom about my sister’s plight I told her, “If I had little to no time left in this body I would be okay with it. I feel as if my work here is done.” My Mom asked me, “What about your children? They still need you.” I said, “Not like they use to. They would be fine without me.” Of course, my confession upset my Mom but she doesn’t understand where I am at right now. In a way I envy my sister’s position. Not the drug addict part but the part where the end of her life is in sight and she can easily take that exit.

My wishing to move onto the next world is not a new one. It seems the more spiritual experiences I have, the more the desire to move on becomes. What I’ve seen and experienced cannot be undone. Sometime I wish it could be. It is the cruel fate of those like me who walk the line between the physical, material, illusory world and the Spirit world and the Divine Connection of All That Is.

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Message: All You Have to Do is Show Up

Yesterday was a rough day. When I woke up I was emotional and broke down into tears a couple of times over some personal struggles I have been experiencing.

On my morning walk I tried to process my overwhelm without success. Toward the end I spotted something on the side of the road. I picked it up. It was a cell phone someone had tossed. The front screen was cracked and the back panel was missing. The battery was still in tact. My first thought was, “Broken communication”. I took it inside and let my daughter try to see if it could be salvaged. It couldn’t.

Not long after my mom forwarded me a message she received from my BIL concerning my sister:

This is what’s about to happen. Today the doctor from infectious disease is going to call me and let me know if any other hospital has accepted her [my sister]. If none has I’m taking her out of the hospital and driving her to St. Luke’s in Houston. The doctor told me this as a friend he said cause he could lose his license for telling me that. He told me her valve could go at anytime and he said the hardheaded cardio doctor was wrong in not doing the surgery. He said they have the Staff at bay for now but her valve is so weak it could quit at anytime. What I think we will do is take her out and they will prescribe her the antibiotics she needs and I’ll take her home. Cause she misses [her son] so much. Let her see [him] for a day and then drive to Houston. I need you to keep him while we are in Houston. Do you understand everything I’ve said? Cause if we don’t get her surgery done immediately she only has days to live.

I immediately replied to my mom. She asked me to take my nephew for her when the time comes. I agreed. I asked her if she wanted me to come over, just to be present for her. She said she was laying face down on the floor, devastated over the news but she didn’t ask for me to come. I knew it was because she had her husband for help but also because my presence would likely cause her to be unable to contain her emotion.

The entire day was a rough one as I felt the overwhelm of carrying all the weight of what has been going on in my world. The events of 2014 came to mind and I questioned why it had to happen “all at once” like this?

I have a strong desire to return to my family’s land; to return to what I recognize now is my “safe place”. In fact, I just asked my mom the day before the above news if I could begin building a small home on her land so I could have a place to escape to. She eagerly agreed and seemed happy to accommodate my needs. When I realized she supported whatever I wanted to do I felt near tears with relief. I didn’t understand my reaction at the time. I do now. My wish to escape to my safe place indicates just how small and insignificant I have been feeling lately.

Today, the desire to escape has lessened some as I slowly begin to accept what I feel is coming. When I awoke this morning the memory of a previous dream was on my mind. The dream was called May Day and at the time I thought it may be indicative of something happening on May 1st. I realize now it was about needing help – as in Mayday.

As I reviewed the May Day dream I saw a connection to something that happened this morning. As I was lingering in bed in the in-between I was telling someone, “Two pizzas at once….” A visual of two pizzas was in my mind and at the same time I hear myself say over myself, “Twin.” The feeling I had was of being “full” like one would feel if they ate a whole lot.

In the May Day dream there was a whole section about pizza. I don’t think that is coincidence. In the dream I didn’t have enough pizza to give to all the children. My feeling is that this indicates that I feel unprepared, that my giving all of myself is not enough.

My sister was planning a wedding in the dream. To me this is symbolic of Union with Self which in physical reality terms can be likened to death, or leaving the body and returning Home where Union with Self then occurs. When I thought of this part of the dream this morning I knew that if my sister decides to leave this world she will do so without warning. One minute she will be here and the next she won’t. A part of me saw this as selfish. Doesn’t she care about Mom? Her son? But another understood that her path is her own to choose. If I were given the same choice under similar circumstances I would choose to go Home, too.

Physically I am once again experiencing eczema only this time it is over a much larger portion of my body. I am super itchy and it is annoying. My stress levels have been high and I only get eczema when I am super stressed out.

The messages coming from my guidance throughout this year suggest some major life changes approaching. I am slowly beginning to get an idea of what those changes might be. Their message has been to follow my heart for the most part, though the other morning I was told, “All you have to do is show up.”

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Lucid Dream: Compass

I have some bad news. My sister, who has been home recovering from her bout of sepsis is now back in the hospital. She had been doing well and feeling good when suddenly she began to feel tired and sick. When she developed a high fever, chest pains and shortness of breath, her husband took her to the hospital where she was told the sepsis had returned along with endocarditis and an abscess on a previous graft to repair an aortic aneurysm. She is now experiencing the same symptoms as before – swelling and pain in her right leg, pain all over, and discolored skin (purplish).

Yesterday’s report from her husband is not good. Though her cardiologist wants to perform surgery right away, the surgical team is against this. They cite my sister’s leaving the hospital against medical advice and her previous drug use as the reason. They gave three options: six weeks of intravenous antibiotics like before, transport to a nearby hospital that may do her surgery, or admitting her to a facility that is one step above hospice.

Her husband is going to try and talk to the team this morning in hopes they will change their mind and do surgery. A abscess on the heart valve is an emergency situation that requires immediate surgery. Without the surgery the survival rate is very low.

When I saw her husband I noticed he did not look well. He seemed puffy, like he is retaining water or had gained a lot of weight in a short time. He was also complaining of tooth pain in two teeth and mentioned he needed to get the teeth removed. Seems like he too has the tooth decay common to a Meth addict. 😦 I suspect he was not giving us all the information as to why they would not perform the surgery. My guess is they found Meth in my sister’s system when they ran their tests.

When I left my Mom’s home she hugged me and would not let me go for some time. She began to weep and shake as she said, “Hospice? I can’t believe they want to send her to hospice….” She plans on going to Houston if that is where my sister ends up going. Right now that seems like the best option. I may accompany her if that is the case.

Yesterday morning, before receiving the recent options, I woke up from an unrelated dream thinking, “My sister is going to die.” I began to question this, however, because with my dog, Trooper, and my grandparents, I was warned in advance of their upcoming passing. I received direct messages to “prepare myself” well in advance. Yet with my sister the messages have not been as clear. I did have a precognitive dream indicating her stay in the hospital was “just a drill”. Does that mean this time it isn’t a drill? It feels like it.

Other messages have been coming up, though. Mostly the lyrics from song – “This could be the end of everything, so why don’t we go somewhere only we know.” In fact, only the day before yesterday I was telling my husband that I worried the song message was meant as a message warning me to prepare for my sister’s passing.

I’ve also had dreams in the last couple of days where I a comforting my mother, singing to her and hugging her.

Similar to how I felt when presented with the knowledge to prepare for each of my grandparent’s passing, I feel somewhat numb. Even when hugging my mom to comfort her yesterday I did not feel sad or want to cry with her.

Ever since my sister’s first admission to the hospital on February 14th I think I have been in preparation mode. There were times when I asked myself, “Is there anything I feel I need to say to my sister? Anything left undone or unsaid?” The answer was always, “No”. Even when I thought back on our childhood together and sifted through those memories I could contact no lingering emotion or sadness. That life seemed not to be mine, or at least to be a very distant past life.

So odd.

Lucid Dream: Compass

Suddenly I find myself lucid within a dream. I am standing in an empty bar. A man is in front of me. He is unfamiliar and I cannot recall his appearance now. Somehow I know he is there to help – a guide. I communicate without words, asking him for advice on what to do. He holds out his hand. In it is a tiny compass pendant. As soon as I have the intention to accept the gift it appears on a chain around my neck sitting right over my heart. The message that comes with the compass is to let my heart guide me.

I feel somewhat panicky and concerned. There is a question posed with my concerns and the response was a close-up visual of the compass. It looks something like this:

Compass Necklace #urbanoutfitters | Fashion LOVE ...

I stand in the bar with this guide for some time but my memory of this time is mainly of how acutely aware I am of being there. Time feels to be standing still and I have a deer-in-headlights feeling but I don’t know why this is.

Then there is this feeling of being released somehow, as if I have permission to leave. I decide to take control and head toward the front door. When I open the door it is dark outside which disappoints me. I begin to sing as I attempt to fly but am immediately grounded and so have to walk. My intention is to make the sun come out so I can see better but it never happens. My thoughts are on my current life and how I create my reality. I try to do this by flying and setting an intention, so when I cannot I feel as if the message being relayed is that my reality is interconnected with many others. Therefore, there are agreed upon rules I must follow.

I lose lucidity and the scene blacks out. I find myself standing outside a small bistro. A man and woman, the owners, invite me to come in to dine. They speak with thick accents and I realize I am in Belgium.

They hand me a menu that is filled with light dishes made mostly of fish. I look at a shrimp dish and inquire about it. The woman tells me the dish will take a very long time to make and advises me to choose another.

I remember talking to someone about going somewhere. The location is Frankfurt.

Interpretation

I am not sure what these recurrent dreams of being in a bar represent. The bars are always empty, too, which is unusual. I am not drinking alcohol then I am not trying to numb my emotions or avoid something. So, perhaps the bar indicates I am open to experiencing something that could be emotion, but have no emotion as of yet.

The compass is pretty self-explanatory, it is indicating the direction I need to take will be shown as long as I am open to receive it (listen).

The darkness I encounter when I go outside indicates something is unseen or unknown. I am unable to illuminate it or to fly and this upsets me. I want to know and be in control but cannot know everything and control is an illusion.

The restaurant scene is interesting. I do not know what the county and city symbolize. Perhaps they are just symbolic of me feeling out of my element? I am invited to eat, which means I am being offered assistance in the form of spiritual nourishment. The shrimp meal indicates that I feel powerless and small. The woman advises me against it which seems to be a message that I have a choice – I am stronger than I think.

Edit: Just received news this morning on my sister. It has been confirmed that the reason the doctors don’t want to do surgery is because they found Meth in her urine. 😦

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Dream Message: Stimulation to Awareness

Things are starting to get a little more interesting. I am guessing the upcoming partial eclipse on the 21st, the summer solstice and some astrological placements are part of this. Or it could just be that I am ready for a change since I’ve been asking for assistance. Whatever the reason, the energy is vamping up.

In a recent review of the last six months of journal entries and blog posts, I saw very clearly that I made a decision to take a break, not only from spiritual experiences but from the Kundalini and the awareness it brings (among other things). The reason for this decision was fear-based. I am a firm believer that we alone are the cause of what we experience in this physical reality – good or bad. So I went looking for the “why?” for my “suffering” knowing I alone was the cause, no one else. Sure enough I saw plain as day my retreat and subsequent shutdown which in turn left me with nothing more than physical reality as my teacher. And oh the lessons have been hard….and annoying. lol

As soon as I realized what I had done I attempted to undo it. I have been asking my guidance to help me return to the path I abandoned out of fear. I have been asking for the Kundalini to return as my teacher. I have been asking for my heart to open; for acceptance, forgiveness and surrender.

Slowly but surely my requests are being answered.

Dream: Stimulation to Awareness

The dream begins inside an old farmhouse. There is a knock at the door and I am rushing about to get a package for the person at my door. I open the door and hand them the package and they inquire about another item – a t-shirt (relax). I know where it is and retrieve it, handing a white t-shirt to the young girl it is meant for. She takes it and the scene shifts.

I am inside a classroom in the uppermost floor of the farmhouse with a group of people who feel like teachers. I see a white board and a man is standing by it pointing to what looks like a math problem but is a game that reminds me of hangman. The math part looks like long division but the answer is written in letters. The others there are guessing those letters. The first letter is an M. I knew immediately that the other letter was T and that they were trying to determine the “state” and that state was Montana (spiritual journey).

Someone asks me to ensure that people who are coming to the party can find us because we are all on the third floor. I see how many doors have to be opened and how many turns they will need to make. Without someone to guide them they will need signs. My job is to post the signs so I head down and begin to put up signs on the walls. I recall that one floor, the lowest floor, was very cluttered and there was a young girl’s bike stored there. It was my daughter’s old bike (solo journey) and I mentioned that. I was told it was being kept for another girl who very much wanted it.

I returned to the third floor. It is soon apparent to me that it is a retirement (end of something is approaching) party. An older man is talking about his wife’s retirement but it also feels like a birthday. She is turning 51. He asks me about my mom and I tell him she is 65, but in reality she is 71.

Then I overhear a group of women talking about moving to Montana. One lady is excited to go, talking about her three month stay there and how she longed to live there. I interrupted and told her the winters were extreme and didn’t she know how difficult they were? I told them how I lived there for 3 years and suffered through the winter. They replied but instead of hearing words I saw a visual of a woman standing next to a four wheel drive pick-up. There was snow everywhere and she was wearing winter attire – an all black, heavy coat, gloves, boots and hat. The message I received was, “Yes, the winters are harsh but if you are prepared they will be tolerable and even pleasant.”

I remember saying I would never live in Montana again and the dream becomes hazy.

The last thing I remember is writing something on the white board. As I wrote it I read it aloud to myself. I read it over and over until I became lucid enough to recognize what I was reading. I read, “Stimulation to Awareness”.

As I woke I took notes of what it was I was saying and writing knowing it was a message. But what did it mean? This question led me to a conversation with my guide that became more and more lucid until I finally awoke.

A song came to mind, part of a verse repeating – “This could be the end of everything, so why don’t we go, somewhere only we know….”

The discussion I was having was about continuing where I had left off. I was asking how to move forward. How do I surrender? How do I get past the fear? I told my guides I was ready to try again. They told me to be patient, take my time and I would be shown the way. All I can do is trust that.

Dream: Zane

I am at an outdoor venue. There is a large, open-topped bar in front of me. An older man with deeply etched smile lines and a very thin, wiry body is standing behind the bar. We begin to talk and I think I recognize him from high school. I ask him if he attended my school. He replies that he did. I ask him if he knew the Brezindines. He said he did.

Suddenly, I see an older woman wearing clothing that is much too young for her age. She has two parallel scars (wounds from the past) above her breasts (related to feminine) and just below her collarbone. She is wearing lots of jewelry and her face is tired looking with too much makeup. I remember thinking she must have had a very hard life.

The woman is purchasing a bunch of toddler shoes. I go up to her and ask her if she is one of the Brezindines. She replied that she was. Then I ask if she has many grandchildren and motion to the shoes. She says she does. Her tone is pleasant and friendly. I hope she doesn’t perceive my judgement of her but she seems not to notice.

I am back at the bar talking with the older man. Our conversation is lost to me but the images that pass between us are not. He shows me that he is part of a band. I see him singing but he is younger. It is like a time reel in my mind. I watch him age. I watch him fall in love, have a child, struggle through a failed relationships, etc. It feels like he is part of a heavy metal band like AC/DC. I see the name of the band. It starts with an S and is familiar.

The most memorable part of the dream is the man and how he looks. His face shifts as if the real him is shining through – as if I am seeing how he sees himself as well as how others see him.

What we say seems to be about how life can take you places you never intended but that it always takes you where you are meant to be.

I ask him about his son who is still quite young. Is he still married? He replies he is not.

For some reason my lucidity begins to peak very quickly and I am very acutely aware of the man, his energy, my energy, the setting and everything around me. There is a warm, pleasant energy building in my chakras starting with the root and moving slowly upward. It is very subtle but growing in intensity, swirling and building pressure especially around my solar plexus. The more aware I become, the more the energy intensifies.

For some reason I feel the man is creating this effect. I receive a message from him that suggests this but I can’t recall what it is. A part of me withdraws and I wake up. The energy persists, prominent in my head and mid-section.

I wonder who the man is. I hear back, “Zane.” He requests that I allow myself to return to the in-between. I do but shift in and out, unable to remain there for very long. A conversation with Zane is on-going but most of it is lost to me now.

Though our discussion is lost to memory I realize my reaction to Zane’s energy in the dream is a result of the fear that has pushed away similar experiences for the last six months or so. It is clear to me that I have work to do. I have to stop waking myself up the minute the K-energy arises.

The last thing I hear Zane say to me is, “I can’t do it for you. You have to do the work.”

Considerations

The phrase, “Stimulation to awareness” has stayed with me. It feels like it is referring to the Kundalini energy and how the stimulation of it leads to more awareness.

The reference to Montana is also not lost on me. I have dreams about Montana quite a bit. Montana is always about my spiritual journey. I say I will never return because of the harsh winters there but am shown I can prepare for such times. It feels like I am being advised to reconsider my decision.

The hangman type game being played feels like a message also. Perhaps it can be better understood by looking at the tarot card meaning of the Hanged Man? If so, then it suggests that I am indecisive and need to surrender.

The hanged man tarot card meaning

The second dream feels more like a guide encounter with Zane and a test to see how I will handle the Kundalini energy. My response to the energy is to wake myself up. The older woman represents some aspect of myself. I am critical of her.

The message that I have to do the work makes sense. Perhaps I am hoping someone will come in and save me? Or this could just be a reminder that I am avoiding something.

Source of Hanged Man image

 

 

 

 

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Dream: Subaru U2

I continue to be thankful for the quality, restful sleep I’ve been getting. I do hope it lasts! My dreams are odd, but I don’t mind. 🙂

Dream: Fixed Fish Aquarium

This dream is from two nights ago. It stuck with me for some reason so I am finally writing it down.

Most of the dream is about a large, 50+ gallon (Higher Self), rectangular fish aquarium (my emotions related to my physical reality experience). I recall checking water levels, inspecting the health of the fish inside, and arranging the plants and rocks inside (maintaining my physical reality, keeping it healthy). There was a circulation (emotional) issue I resolved as well. I happily bragged to a person who was with me about setting up the pump and bubblers so that the water traveled in a counter clockwise (improvement) direction. I showed the person from above the water line where we could see the water moving smoothing around the perimeter of the tank.

Then I saw a smaller tank, about 1 gallon in size (smaller self), sitting just to the left of the larger one. It had many smaller fish inside – guppies (cowardice) mostly – and I opted to transfer those fish into the larger tank where they would do much better. I remember there being an algae eater fish (cleaning, healing) in the small tank and knowing it was needed in the bigger one. There were also many tiny, newborn baby fish (potential) which pleased me.

The entire dream scene shifted and I was standing outside on a sidewalk on a university campus (life lessons) looking at the various halls. We seemed to be standing in an area where the sidewalks met and formed a kind of circular courtyard with benches and tall trees. A woman was with me. She pointed out a large waterfall (dramatic change in life perception) pouring down the side of the dorm (personal and private self) hall. I thought it odd that a waterfall would be cascading down the side of my dorm room but it was quite beautiful regardless. Her explanation was it was part of the renovation (healing, adjustment).

Dream: Subaru U2

The dream began as a trip to show a group of friends the land my father had told me he was going to give to me. I mostly recall one young man who was with me. He was romantically interested in me and we had been emailing and communicating back and forth for some time. We had decided to date with the hopes of it becoming more serious. He had with him two male friends. I’m not sure why I was taking them to my land but I was eager to show it to them.

When we got to the property I took them to a large garage where my father stored all his old cars. The cars were well cared for but most were quite old, some models from the 80’s and 90’s and some even older than that. My focus was on a particular car that my father was storing for me until I was ready to drive it. It was a black sports car parked in the back corner of the garage. I picked up a large key chain full of keys, found the key to the car, opened it and let them explore inside it.

The car was interesting in that it had a removable hard top that was sloped. The paint was original so it was not perfect, graying in some areas, but it was still in good condition. The men looked inside and were impressed, even asking to take it for a drive. I didn’t allow this but I’m not sure why. I remember saying the car was waiting until I was ready to drive it, implying it was not for them.

At one point I was trying to determine the make, model and year of the car. I said aloud, “I can’t remember what kind it is…” Then I looked closely at the emblem and though I can’t remember what it looked like I said, “It’s a Subaru….a Subaru U2.” For some reason I thought the make and model was rare and very expensive. The year shifted as I recalled the date. I saw 2011 and also 2016 but the numbers blurred together so it is hard to know for certain.

The men then looked at some other cars parked nearby. One was similar to the Subaru but not as well maintained. I remember insisting they not mess with the other cars and said it was time to leave.

As we exited the garage and walked through a garden full of workers tending to it, the sun was just rising in the sky. The young man who was interested in me walked ahead acting a bit strange. He later stopped writing and communicating with me and I remember thinking, “He must not like the real me.” I was disappointed and sad about this. My thought was, “People like me until they get to know me.” Memories came to me, all of times when my blunt, opinionated and bossy side came out and friends and boyfriends left because they interpreted these characteristics as negative or selfish. In that moment I hated the personality I selected for this lifetime and saw it as a means to separate me further from others.

Music Message

I woke from this dream hearing words from a familiar song – “Why’d you have to be so rude? Don’t you know I’m human, too? Why’d you have to be so rude? I’m gonna marry her anyway…”

Memories of all the relationships I’ve had – friends and boyfriends – in this lifetime came to me. They all had in common one thing – they start out great with good connection but over time seem to wear and fray at the edges. I see myself as the cause of this. Many of my past friends and boyfriends have told me straight up that they can’t handle my intense side, and that is the nice way of putting it. When I get upset, emotional, tired, or am just not in a good place (depressed or unhappy) I tend to be more prone to blowing up and saying exactly what I am thinking without filtering it. So, in other words, I stick my foot in my mouth. This is difficult for most to handle. Most retreat or go silent. Some come back at me with just as much intensity. Regardless of how they handle it, most eventually get tired of my often unpredictable and emotional blow ups and disappear from my life.

I am better at controlling my outbursts now but even so I struggle to articulate my feelings or upset in a way that won’t hurt the other person. Sometimes I vow to just not speak but when I don’t speak up for a long period of time the outbursts seem to take on a life of their own and I do more damage. It doesn’t help that I perceive the other person’s feelings and if they are judgmental or critical of me I get angry and frustrated, feeling they aren’t really listening to me. 😦

Thankfully, not everyone disappears from my life. Those that stay can fight my fire with their fire (so they are usually fire or air signs) and when it all blows over we can move on holding no grudges and often feeling relieved to have expressed our feelings. Honestly, I prefer those who are like this. Those who remain quiet or act submissive lose my respect in the end, as I am sure I lose theirs. And honestly, I don’t blame them because I am real good at steamrolling over those types.

I interpret the song message I woke with to be about how the men I end up marrying are able to accept and even overlook this side of me and have what it takes to be with me long-term. The same goes with my friends. It just so happens my best and most long-lasting relationships (including those with family) are all fire and air (or a mixture) signs. Ha! My younger sister, who is an Aries with Cancer moon, cut me off, however, but I can’t say I blame her or that even miss her moody, grudge-holding, poor-me behavior (yes, that is my blunt side coming out, so be it!). If she comes back into my life and attempts to mend our relationship I will take her back, arms wide open, even though she will likely not respond the same.

Subaru Message

Then there is the Subaru message in the dream. I had to look it up because it stood out so vividly.

The name Subaru is Japanese, meaning ‘unite’. It’s also a term for a cluster of [seven] stars in the Taurus constellation, named ‘Pleiades’ by the ancient Greeks. According to Greek mythology, these stars were once Atlas’ daughters. The [seven]-star cluster featured in the Subaru badge design is known in Japan as mutsuraboshi, meaning ‘[seven] stars’.

Subaru was the first automobile brand to use a Japanese word as its name. Source

The message via the car make and model in my dream was, “Subaru U2”. I take this to mean that I am part of this cluster of stars. I am a Starseed from the Pleiades. Based upon my memories, OBEs, and spiritual experiences, I am originally from Lyra, which is located in the Pleiades.

The sports car symbol is one I have seen in previous dreams. Cars symbolize one’s life path, the characteristics of the car symbolizing the characteristics of the path. A sports car, which is made for speed, symbolizes a path that one is on that goes quite fast from one point to another. A black car is not negative but actually represents the unknown, or something unseen and can also symbolize the intuition or Higher Self. In this particular dream the car is being kept for me in a garage. Garages indicate a “parked” path, so progress is stopped or temporarily delayed. The other cars in the garage are likely other paths I’ve taken at various points in time. Thankfully, I hold all the keys to these many paths. 🙂

The dream suggests that the path that is connected to the Pleiades is on hold for now, parked in a garage and maintained until I decide to once again take it for a spin. In the dream I show it – and mySelf – to others and am rejected because of it. This saddens me and causes me to judge myself harshly, blaming my human expression of my Pleiadian self as the source of much upset in my life. Yet when I think back on when I am rejected in the dream I am not concerned but instead proud of who I am. I recognize that sometimes others just don’t understand and that is OK.