Category Archives: Messages

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Ghost

It has been a rough week or so for me. One of those weeks when everything seems to snowball. Maybe the energy was primed for such a week. Who knows. All I know is that I am glad for it to be (seemingly) over.

First off, I’ve been extremely fatigued. I am still not sure if it is a lingering mystery illness, stress, hormones, or some vitamin deficiency. The heart racing episode I had over a week ago seems to have been the starting point (you can read about it here). Mornings tend to be the worst but are gradually getting better. The drugged feeling was similar to how I felt after my c-section surgery in 2014. Back then it was anemia that was the culprit. The tiredness got so severe that I felt like I did when I went to Hawaii earlier this year – like really bad jet lag.

My response to the fatigue has been to take a week off from working out and just listen to my body. I also started taking B vitamins and iron supplements just in case I am slightly anemic.

I’ve also been extremely depressed, emotional, and full of anxiety and worry. When I tune into the anxiety I usually end up crying. There is pit of emotion that seems to be the source of the anxiety along with that empty feeling I’ve had all my life. The emptiness seems to have no end. I think I have been descending into it slowly for a while now.

With all my own personal stuff, there has been chaos in the physical. First, my youngest had a mysterious illness that lasted almost a week. He got a bad headache and fever as well as fatigue to the point that he would sleep most of the day. He would cry about the headache, I would give him medicine, he would sleep and then the cycle would repeat. It scared me that it lasted so long and I was a bundle of worry the whole time. Eventually, his fever broke and then he had diarrhea for a little while.

Of course, my husband was out of town the entire time my son was sick. 😦

To top it all off, Saturday my dog Monty was brutally attacked by a Boxer mix on our morning walk. The dog got out of the house by mistake, saw Monty, and went immediately into kill mode. He latched onto the top of Monty’s neck and would not let go. The owners were there but could not get their dog to release Monty. They were yelling and screaming, hands on their dog’s head and in his mouth as I watched helpless and Monty yelped and tried unsuccessfully to get to his attacker. Eventually, about 3 minutes later and after the owner asked an onlooker to get a garden hose, the dog released Monty.

One of the owners asked me to take her name and number. I happened to have my phone with me. I never bring it but did that morning. She typed in her info, hands shaking and covered in blood. I walked Monty home and then called my husband for help. He was working and could not come help me and I began to cry from the overwhelm. He called the owner and got her to come over and drive me and Monty to an emergency vet. She stayed with me for three hours and paid the bill when we left.

Monty had several puncture wounds in his neck but was otherwise okay. He came home with pain meds and antibiotics. Today. two days later, he is doing much better, but the day after he barely moved and had me quite worried.

No photo description available.

Monty at the vet after they shaved him and treated his wounds.

 

Yesterday, hit with morning fatigue and feeling weak, I ended up in panic mode having to talk myself through a sense of impending doom. Thankfully it worked and by late afternoon, after a trip for a manicure-pedicure and some me-time, I felt much better.

On the drive home, after seeing an unexpected rainbow on a sunny day, the memory of the heart bliss came to me. As I began to accept the amazing feeling, it felt to be a message of hope. The feeling and memory returned later that evening. Rather than the feeling coming from just one guide it felt to be coming from many. Once acknowledged the feeling faded but it helped and that is what matters most.

Dream – Plane Tickets

Sleep came easily and my dreams were memorable.

In this dream, I was told that my youngest was selected for an all-expenses paid trip to what looked in my mind like Africa (going home or to your “roots”) but it was an island. This was the location of First Contact and the entire nation was focused on the event. My son could be accompanied by two adults and for some odd reason I gave the tickets to my BIL and SIL. It was only later that I discovered the trip would last two months and I regretted giving away my ticket then. I remember saying, “No one told me he would be gone that long!”

At one point I was able to convince the government to give me and my husband tickets as well. There was an entire portion of the dream where I received an email with passport number and clearance. Then, I recall getting to the plane (moving into different state of being) right as it was about to take off. The plane was one of those huge ones with a big door on the back. The door was closed and they were not going to let us on but at the last minute they did. Inside were many more people than just my family.

When we arrived I was sent to a house with some of my family. I don’t recall too much here except that they had been there a while and not taken out the trash. I bundled up the trash bags (something needs to be taken care of, removed) and moved them into a corner below a broken shelf.

We got into a government vehicle and went to another house where my husband was staying. I recall driving by a very nice house that a family acquaintance was put in. I remember wondering why it was he got to live alone.

When we got to the other house it was in a cul-de-sac (resistance to change) and an armed guard was standing near the entrance. The last thing I recall is driving out and thinking it odd a guard was there. Then there was shift into the next dream.

Dream – Island of Healing

The cul-de-sac disappeared and I found myself alone standing on a road on an island (solitude, self-reliance). Tall, green grass (healing) was on either side of me and I could see the water in the far distance. The road was two lane and smooth. I walked with my dog, Monty, along the road for some time, up and down rolling hills, taking in the spectacular views. I remember feeling relieved of all worry and concern. It was a wonderful feeling!

It felt like I was alone on the island but it didn’t bother me one bit. I was just taking a casual stroll on a remote island somewhere. Monty was running ahead of me. I could see the wounds from the dog attack vividly but he did not act wounded.

Monty saw something and began barking and running toward it. As I focused in on it I realized it was a horse (freedom) or pony. I ran after him, concerned, but the horse ignored him and continued to walk wherever it was going.

When I got to Monty he was sniffing the horse’s hoof and growling suspiciously at it. I saw someone approaching and apologized saying he was just being protective and was likely a bit scared after the dog attack he endured recently. The man came closer and smiled. He was very black and tall and I got the sense got from him was that he was part of an island tribe. It felt like Australia to me for some reason but again it looked a lot like Africa. I am not sure where I was.

The man asked me what I thought of the place. That is when I noticed a huge bookcase (knowledge/understanding) in front of me. It was very out of place considering we were outside in the middle of nowhere on an island. Yet there it was. A bookcase full of books and other odds and ends. I recall seeing three rows of encyclopedias on the top shelves and other items in the center shelves. I remember touching one of the items. It was a figurine made of a smooth, black substance like coral. I responded that I hoped he didn’t mind me being there looking through his things. He told me I was welcome and motioned to someone standing on the other side of me. I turned to my left and a tall, very dark black woman was standing there. She also appeared tribal to me. She asked me, “What do you think?” I remember telling her, “I want to stay here forever.”

The two tribes people took me to another individual who resembled the character, William, on the show This is Us that I have been watching lately. He was seated and being asked questions. The first question he was asked was, “Are you prepared?” He answered, “Yes.” Then he was asked, “Who prepared you?” He replied after a brief pause, “God.”

Suddenly, I became quite lucid. I recognized the man from the show, knew I was dreaming and that the questions being asked of him were also being asked of me. I remember being asked, “Are you prepared?” I answered, “Yes”. Then I was asked, “Who prepared you?” I answered, “I did.” Then a third question was asked, “What did you prepare for?” I answered, “Life and death.”

As I answered these questions I felt/saw/sensed my heart chakra. What is odd here is that the chakra was being held by many hands. The hands were pulling the heart open. There were so many hands. They were touching one another, each with a firm grip on the edges of my heart. The hands and the edges were golden in color and light was in the center. The light expanded as the hands pulled on the heart, opening it wider and wider.

Living from the Heart

I woke up feeling loved and cared for. I did not want to leave that place.

A voice, one of the Many surrounding me, spoke with me for a while. I was asked, “What do you want?” I asked to go Home. I was asked why and I explained and felt understood. I recognized the dream message. I knew I was prepared but I still did not wish to continue. I feel tired and worn out.

A discussion about expectation ensued after that. I realized that the reason I felt so at peace in that island place was because everyone there accepted me just as I am. There was no expectation imposed upon me. I was perfect and accepted. But here, in this harsh world, I feel everyone’s expectations of me all the time. No one accepts me as I am. They want something from me and if I can’t give it they try to force it and/or they reject me. I know I do the same and we discussed how I can change that. It has to do with living from the heart but I could not see how it was possible. I remember hearing, “We will show you.”

I saw how the first dream reflected how I put what others wants before my own. Rather than go with my son on the trip I sent his aunt and uncle because I knew they would want it. I tend to try and be what others want of me and feel loss if I fail to accomplish this.

Dream and Message

I fell back to sleep and into a semi-lucid dream. I was with a group inside a place of learning. We were in the corner of a large gymnasium-type room. Books and backpacks were nearby. I recall seeing people I have known in this life. One woman recently met and fell in love and I saw her walk away with her partner, smiling. I remember judging her, though, because of her obesity and thinking it “gross” for her to be sexual. I was immediately ashamed for thinking that and quickly replaced the judgement with acceptance.

Class was let out and I left along with many others. A cheer leading (encouragement, motivation) class was coming in and I watched as they practiced. I then realized I had left my shoes (life direction) and went back inside to look for them. I walked back to the corner and saw several different pairs of shoes. Some were small, like children’s shoes, others looked to be from other cultures with curled up toes and made of leather. I found my shoes on a stool. They were brown leather slip-on shoes similar to penny loafers (comfort in work). I picked them and up and as I was leaving a group began to talk to me about music.

I sat with them, joking around a while about different songs from long ago. I remember telling them how I never could keep up with my friends and their ability to remember artist, song, and album names. I said, “I was lucky if I could recall any of that!” A guy there laughed and I remember feeling a connection to him and thinking, “We are the same.” He mentioned a song and I remember saying, “Isn’t that by Mike and the Mechanics?” Then everyone laughed meaning I was probably very wrong (lol). Note: I had to look up that band when I woke because I had no idea what songs they are famous for. 

I ended up hanging out with the group but we made so much noise that the cheer leading class was getting annoyed with us.

The last thing I recall is sitting very closely behind the guy who I had been laughing with. He turned over his right shoulder and kissed me. I returned the kiss and could feel it very physically. It was nice but before I allowed myself to really enjoy it I pulled away and said to him, “I can’t.” He said to me, “But you want to.” And I replied, “Yes, I do.”

My lucidity caused me to wake up but not before the man gave me a name and a message. He said, “Patrick Flowers” and sent a song message. The words were, “You will love again” but the melody was to Michael Jackson’s song, You Are Not Alone. I also remember writing down his name and what I think was a date of 8-31. The information woke me completely, though, and I lost the date information, but not the name.

Considerations

The dreams from last night do not surprise me. Prior to bed I had been thinking of the heart bliss and wishing I could feel it all the time. I miss it! My guidance told me that I could and I felt it was impossible. They said, “We will show you how.” I didn’t really expect to have such vivid dreams, especially the part where I saw my heart being opened by so many hands! Sadly, my heart doesn’t feel any more open today than yesterday. 😦

I’m definitely going through a rough period in my life. Too many losses and I am not doing anything really right now that I enjoy. With the weird tiredness, heart speed-ups and panic attacks I have even stopped exercising, which was one of the only things that made me feel good (but not joyful). I recognize that it may mean that I need to slow way down and do some inner work and healing. I can’t say I am very good at listening. Probably why my body is starting to make me listen. Nothing like scary heart speed-ups and panic attacks to scare a person into listening.

If I had to put how I feel in one word I will have to steal from an episode of This is Us that I watched last night. Mandy Moore’s character was telling her husband that she had no life and described herself as a “Ghost”. That is how I feel and I completely relate.

To end, the results of my search of Mike + the Mechanics.

 

 

 

 

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Lucid Dream – Exit Point

Thankful the hectic week is over! Kids are all in school now. My youngest started Kindergarten and loves it. My middle child got to finally be in the same class as one of his best friends and my oldest made it through her first day of middle school unscathed. Today I get to be home alone to recuperate. My husband took the kids to a water park about an hour away. They probably won’t be back until 9-10pm. 🙂

I plan to get some things done and take my time about it. My sleep was interrupted at around 4am by strange noises in the driveway. Sure something bad was happening, I got up to investigate and I saw my MIL and my husband transferring her bags into our minivan. I had forgotten my husband agreed to take her and his brother’s entire family to the airport. My MIL had been frantic to park her car at our house instead of my BIL’s because she didn’t want her car sitting in the sun all week. She is convinced the sun will “rot” it (eyeroll WTF?). I had asked her to find another option because I knew the 4am transfer would wake me up. Sure enough, it did, and as I expected it caused me to lose at least an hour of sleep. 😦

When I finally did return to sleep I got an unexpected “lesson”.

Lucid Dream – Exit Point

The dream began with me in my bed hearing something going on in the front driveway. I got up and saw my MIL’s car parked in the driveway. It was disgusting, covered with filth. Then my youngest came screaming out of the front door because he thought I was leaving and never coming back. When I went to soothe him and take him back inside I saw that we were not at our own house. I began to walk to our house and found a bundle of keys on the driveway, keys to a Nissan Xterra. I went back and found another family outside packing up their car. I asked if the keys were theirs and they said they weren’t. As I went to go search for the owner, a small, blonde, naked and armless (inability to take care of ones self) child was there. I hugged her and noticed all the other children with her were deformed or mentally retarded in some way. I felt sympathy for them.

As I crossed into our driveway and looked around at the unfamiliar scene, I thought to myself, “This is not right. I must be dreaming.”

To test this out I decided to see if I could float or fly. I relaxed and my body floated upward and then I knew I was dreaming.

I flew down the road and encountered a little girl with blonde hair. She was trying to put on a necklace (conflict between head and heart) made of green, elastic material. I said, “Can I help you with that?” She said, “Yes”. I began to move her hair out of the way and tried to tie the necklace but it was too short and little pieces of hair kept getting in the way. I told her I couldn’t tie the necklace and she started to cry. The girl’s sister suggested I tie the necklace first and then have the girl step into it and pull it up to her neck. The sister showed me how and I thought it was a great idea (rising of Kundalini maybe?).

There is a brief memory here of standing in front of a mirror. I looked at my face and saw myself as I am now but maybe a bit younger. I smiled and then focused more on my image expecting it to morph because that is what usually happens in my lucid experiences. Rather than the image morphing into something else, certain features changed. My mouth got very small, making my cheeks appear larger. I remember knowing the shrinking mouth represented my “shrinking voice”.

My attention went elsewhere after that. I was talking to a guide I could not see. I remember thinking/saying, “What do I do now?” I felt completely hopeless and directionless and began to cry. As I cried the scene in front of me began to slowly turn black. The blackness was impenetrable and desolate. I knew that my emotions were creating it but I had no idea how to free myself from it.

Knowing I was dreaming I began to worry my crying would send me back to my sleeping body and wake me up. But it didn’t. Instead, I was asked to look into the darkness. I believe the words were, “Look for light in the darkness.”

I began to focus on the darkness and noticed it shifted and moved as if alive. Then a sliver of white light began to take shape in front of me. The light extended to form a line almost like a lightening bolt straight ahead. The more I focused, the more the light chased away the darkness to reveal the path ahead. I followed it.

I could see the end of the path way up ahead. It was quite far and uphill. All I wanted was to get to the end. I didn’t care what I had to do to get there.

The first place the path took me was to a water park (playfulness, enjoying life). I saw children playing in the water as I walked through. There were small walls (obstacles) I had to climb over but they were only about knee height. I spoke to the children and tended to them if they asked for help. 

Throughout all this I recall talking with a guide. At one point the scene vanished and all that was in front of me was an open book. The pages were empty. I was told to read them. Sentences began to appear in cursive writing as I read. I read them aloud and was amazed at how clear the lettering was and that I was able to read it. I worried briefly that my focus on the words would wake me up, but it it never did. Instead, it made the words more clear. Fascinating!

Of course, now I don’t remember what I read word-for-word. All I remember now is what I heard my guide say to me. He said, “Find your joy and follow it”. He also said something like, “Help them.” All that is left in my memory is the message that if I look for the light, I will see it. The “light” being that which brings me joy. Then all I have to do if follow it.

Then I was back on the path looking ahead at the end. I saw two golden chalices (spiritual nourishment, immortality) or cups sitting on a pedestal, one on my left and one on my right. Above them was a great circle (continuity) colored red-orange. The light illuminated them. There was a plaque below each that was covered in red paint. I knew the sign had information so I began to scratch away the layer of paint on both plaques. To my surprise I saw white numbers on a golden background. I recognized the pattern to be that of a date – like month, day, year – but the more I focused on the dates to try and remember them, the more numbers there were until it no longer resembled a date. I think I saw 2023 and 2036 but I can’t remember now. The numbers are all jumbled together in my mind.

The voice of my guide said to me as I was trying to decipher the numbers, “You know we can’t reveal that to you.” Disappointed I gave up.

What I remember now of those two golden cups or chalices is that I had two choices of “exit” dates in this life. The one on the right was later than the one on the left. Other than that, I was unable to determine which path was “better”.

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Dream: Skiing in Montana

I woke briefly after that but was able to return to sleep.

I was in Montana and decided to go skiing (breezing through aftermath of challenging situation). Ahead of me was a dirt road (new path, path untraveled) barely wide enough for one car. The road was riddled with puddles of water (emotion) some of which were very deep. I traveled by car but also seemed to be on foot. I wore no shoes, just white socks (protection). A man was with me but was not my husband. He showed me the way and I put my foot/wheels wherever he did.

At one point, just past a small bridge, one of the holes was so deep the man jumped over. I quickly followed, barely missing the hole and knowing it was so deep that I would have gotten soaked.

Then I was heading back up the road, this time with my husband. He was talking on the phone with a friend. He was telling them that he would love to live free, without a car, without a house, without many of the things he and I had built together. He was talking as if I was a burden and I could tell by the conversation that he was planning on leaving me to live this new “simpler” life. I recall him mentioning that this friend, obviously a woman, was eating Moringa seeds, and that because of that he wanted to also. The name was familiar.

As I listened I began to panic about what I would do as a single parent. I was angry that my husband would just abandon us to relieve himself of the burden.

The car came to the same deep puddle and my husband decided to drive through it very fast. The car launched into the air after hitting the puddle. Mud flew everywhere and then we landed behind a bunch of people on bikes (independence). The car bumped one bike but did not hurt anyone.

Then we were driving through a lazy town in Montana. The day was beautiful and the temperature perfect. I said to my husband, “It’s a really nice, summer day.” I remembered how nice the summers could be in Montana. I told him that the cities were safer and it was a good place to raise a family. Then I remembered how harsh the winters were. I decided it wasn’t worth it to live there.

Considerations

I’m not sure what to think of the dream experiences. The first lucid one seems mostly to be a message that things will not always be so dark, to look for my “joy” and to follow it and it will lead me to where I want to go.

The second dream seems to be a warning along with advice. The Moringa seed part was very vivid and likely indicates I need to research the seeds. I believe we have a bag of them in the garage given to my husband by the former owner of our old house (the man who killed himself). Overall, Moringa seems to be a good supplement in seed form and goes well with Turmeric, which was also a supplement suggested in an OBE I had years ago.

My thoughts about finding my joy are not positive. Nothing really brings me joy these days. So I am sad to think that the answer to my problems is to find and follow my joy. Perhaps it has to do with children because that dream also included me reaching out to children? Maybe but that doesn’t feel exactly right. It could be my own children, I suppose. That is closer to right because they do bring me joy at times.

I guess I just have to wait and see.

 

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Dream: Back to School Message

This week is hectic. The kids go back to school tomorrow. My youngest starts Kindergarten and my oldest goes into 6th grade. So, of course, I am worrying about my youngest. Will he do okay? Will he behave? Will he get along with the other kids? How will he manage an all-day school schedule?

My oldest is worrying on her own. I took her to a 6th grade camp to get oriented to her new school and classmates and she cried on the way from all her anxiety. I suspect the first day of school will be similar.

On top of all the back to school activity, my husband returned from almost a month away on business. It is always an adjustment when he returns. My youngest became the worse version of himself as a result. He is my little fiery double Aries and boy can he ever throw a tantrum! Then he can keep it up for an hour straight. Ugh! He is better today, thankfully!

My personal schedule is busy as well. I have three appointments this week. Don’t worry, nothing is wrong, The main thing I am addressing is maintaining my leg vein health. After removing a vein in my right leg in 2015 because it was not functioning properly, I try to do yearly maintenance on my legs because my body continues to make extra ugly veins to make up for the lost one. Overall I have great genetics except for the vein part. Sigh.

Dream: Back to School Message 

I recall going into a large, church-type building with rows of desks filled with students in uniform. I selected a seat on the right side of the room up against the wall and sat down. A young handicapped boy with light hair rolled in. When our eyes met we both lit up. I remember feeling extremely happy to see him.When he saw me he rose up out of his chair and limped over to me as if floating. Knowing he could not walk yet was doing so for me was impressive. I knew it was his gift to me. We embraced and he sat down in a seat in front of me. I snuggled up into his embrace and just sat there with him. The feeling he gave me was wonderful, like waves of calm and peace. Safe. There was no other place I would rather be than in his arms. All interest in other things vanished – school included – and my whole focus shifted to being with him.

That is when we noticed something unusual. On the other side of the church I could see a peacock (love, immortality, soul, peace). The young man with me pointed him out and said how he loved them. The peacock was running, its beautiful tail very obvious and impressive. The young man said, “I love the double ones” and I imagined a peacock with a double tail thinking that it must be rare.

I remember either telling him about or having memories of when I was younger and raised peacocks.

Then there was a commotion to the left and I saw a line of baby peafowl with their mother. They were all drab brown walking in a line. Some were fighting over a scrap of food. Then it was as if they were being hunted by dogs and I was worried for them. The last thing I saw was what looked like a pack of wild dogs devouring a carcass but the carcass looked like it was a dog, too!

The next thing I know I am returning to class but I forgot my backpack. I am late and have to sit in a different location. I can see my young male friend in his normal place. I wave at him and feel sad because we can’t be together. I am sitting next to girls I do not know and feel uncomfortable.

The teacher gives us our assignment only I haven’t been listening. I go back into the story we just read to find the answer. I recall the answer included compare and contrast of two children. The first came from a family who always paid their bills way in advance and had insurance for their five kids. Yet they were very poor. The other family was the opposite and always in debt. I knew my young male friend was from the former family type as was I.

As I was finishing up my assignment the teacher came around and took my pen before I could put my name on it.

Then I was watching myself from a distance. I saw myself as a young girl, maybe 10 years old. I would stare off into space often and the feelings I had were of worry and anxiety over what might happen. I was always on edge. I didn’t feel like the other kids and had few if any friends. The me observing this scene felt sad. It was strange to watch myself from outside myself. Did I really look like that? Was I the daydreaming kid, always staring out the window, always the outsider? Yep.

Message

As the dream came to an end I was left with what I was being shown. I knew it was a message. I recognized the feeling I had with my young partner – Home. When he was with me I was Whole and needed nothing. All interest in learning ceased. When he was gone I felt incomplete, scared and anxious. My rock and foundation was gone and I was forced to learn to stand on my own.

When I woke the same song was going through my head as the other day:

The parts of the song repeating were:

“I’ll say I told you so but you just gonna cry. You just wanna know those peanut butter vibes.”

“I can’t take this place, no I can’t take this place. I just wanna go where I can get some space.”

And with all this I heard from my guidance, “Remember.” I knew this meant I needed to remember what I was shown the last time I merged with my Higher Self. What did I remember? That I am exactly where I am suppose to be. This life is just a journey, one that is over in a blink of an eye despite it feeling much, much, much longer than that. When the journey is over I will return Home to my family, hopefully lessons learned.

The dream and lesson itself is quite humbling. The feeling the young man gave me is familiar. When I have felt it in this life I recognized that all I wanted to do was stay in it. At the same time I felt that if I did stay in/with it, that my life would be over because I would cease to learn the lessons I came here to learn. The point is that I have to stand on my own two feet, learn to be Whole on my own.

 

 

 

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Message: Only If You’re Strong Enough

Very dream-filled night. Not sure what is with the sudden increase in dream recall but at least I feel better today than yesterday.

Dream

I found myself inside a single-wide mobile home (unstable path). It was very obviously the home of a bachelor – sparse furniture, simple, and a bit messy. A thin, wiry guy with blonde, messy hair was with me. He looked in his 20’s and was a bit dirty; his clothes needed a good washing. I could see a small, 80’s style television (some past communication) in the background in the background that was on and some television show was playing.

The guy was very aloof and didn’t pay me much attention until he wanted something from me. The feeling from him was that he kept me around only for what I could do for him. My interest in him went beyond that, though. I did not feel love for him but I was seeking his attention, which he, of course, was not giving.

At one point I thought the guy wanted to get sexual because he sat on the floor, butt naked, legs spread and arms open as if inviting me into his embrace. As I moved forward he did something unexpected. He grabbed a bottle of lotion (success in difficult situations) and began to squirt huge amounts into his hands. He put the lotion all over himself, effectively covering his nakedness. Then he asked me to help him. He said, “Can you pop this for me?” He showed me a small pimple (worry over the trivial) on the inside of his thigh. It was gross and I said, “Eww.” Before I could answer he began to push on the thing and huge amounts of puss came out. I said, “Looks like you did it yourself.”

The next thing I remember is the man walking about the place and my attention going to the television where I saw The Beatles and another guy, some poet or philosopher, being interviewed by a TV host. The poet guy said something about the future that was very profound. Whoever he was, I recognized him and knew he would die and that was the last time he would be seen on TV.

Then another guest appeared on the show and I noticed that she was way older than I remembered her to be. She had red hair and her face had aged to the point that her nose was larger than usual and she had bags under her eyes. The song, “It Must Have Been Love” was being performed by her and I kept trying to figure out her name. I kept hearing/thinking, “Heart” but I don’t think that was meant as a name of a person but more of a message being passed on.

As I watched the woman on the TV I noticed one of her breasts was very large and misshapen. It looked like a huge tumor (repressed emotion emerging).

Then an intercom came on which could be heard inside the house. I said to the guy, “Can’t you disconnect that?” He said, “Why?” The intercom seemed to be coming from a mechanic shop across the way and had been installed by the guy’s father. I remember knowing the father had worked a Sears for $15/hr back when that pay was considered really good. I mentioned how sad it was that people couldn’t live off that kind of pay anymore. The guy grunted his agreement, half listening.

Then I was saying goodbye to the guy. We were standing real close. I was pressed up against him, head close to his chest. I remember kissing him and feeling a flush of energy as he returned my affection. Then I felt panic and thought, “I’m married! What am I doing?” And just as quickly I let that consideration go, deciding I didn’t care. An entire memory of how I got there came to me. It seems I told my mom I was going somewhere else and then went to be with this guy. There was no memory at all of a husband.

Then I left to go find my mom’s car (life path). Outside the trailer I stood on a dirt road. I began to walk toward where I believed the car was and watched the guy I had been with take a road on the right. I knew the roads met up in the same place.

Along the way I encountered a guy pushing a white pick-up truck (hard work) backwards down the road. He pushed it through a mound of dirt and it pushed the dirt as if it was a bulldozer. I said to the man, “Why don’t you just get in and drive?” The man did and drove the truck away.

As I approached parked cars I began to search for my mom’s red car. I pushed the key fob and heard a beeping. I followed the sound to the road that met up with the road the guy took. Hearing the sound I saw a red colored car and went toward it but it was not my mom’s. I turned toward a building and saw a pair of someone’s glasses (clarity needed) on the dirt road. I picked them up and said, “Did someone lose their glasses?” I saw men sitting in a waiting area but none were the owner.

Message

I woke briefly and then fell into the in-between where a mini-dream played out. I recall being taken to an old folk’s home – a rest home – to live out my last days. I was much younger than all the other residents but I didn’t care. I felt ready to be there. A man was with me and helped get me settled in. He said to me, “You’ll be leaving in 8 days but only if you’re strong enough.” It felt like I would be picked up and transported somewhere.

The message was audible enough that I became more lucid and questioned what the man meant by “strong enough”. I was shown an emoji. It was the puking emoji. The sight of it was funny and I thought, “I guess if I’m not sick I can go….”

Considerations

The dream and message seems to indicate that I am in a period of healing. The rest home is likely meant to indicate that I am needing rest.

My best guess about the dream with the blonde man is that I was looking at something from my past, an alternate reality, or being shown something about my character. The unusual part of it was that I was seeking the attention of this man and he was ignoring me, using me even, and I continued to have this feeling of needing his attention and approval. This is very unlike me. My first thought when considering my behavior is that I was seeking to know how it might feel to be treated that way; looking to gain understanding of another’s perspective.

I keep dreaming of my mom which I find interesting. It seems that I am looking to a more mature or wise version of myself for answers. Maybe my HS? In this dream I am looking for my mom’s car – life path/soul purpose – but I can’t find it. So maybe I feel out of touch with my true path and purpose. The lost glasses is likely me recognizing my inability to see or find clarity.

 

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OBE: Fly With Me

The last couple of nights I haven’t been sleeping as deeply as the previous weeks. Instead, I wake early, before the sun, and end up drifting in and out of sleep for a while before actually getting out of bed. My dreams have been numerous and memorable and mostly about water – boats, cruise ships, rain, oceans, and last night – flooding.

Dream: Evacuation

In the beginning of this dream I was thoroughly cleaning a toilet (clearing troubles and worries) as well as clearing out the inside of drawers. The drawers were full of old pencils (communication and creativity) mostly as well as stuff that had just been put in there over the past 5 years. The piles of pencils were incredible! Yet I still opted to keep some of them.

Then I was with my family at an apartment building (current well-being or finances). We had just moved in and were being told the building was to be evacuated because of heavy rain and flooding (lots of heavy emotion coming). Everyone was to be out by the weekend. I remember saying I had just been working for 2 days and asking if there was any exceptions, but there were none.

I went down to the lower levels (subconscious) and was talking to a black woman about the evacuation. We were going to relocate to Montana (spiritual journey) and I was concerned about how much we could take with us. I thought we could put it all into our Prius but the woman was asking if we could take another person with us. I didn’t want to relocate and was really uncomfortable with the situation.

There was a small room that was full of cats (feminine spirituality, sexuality).  A short woman who I recognized went to open the door and I told her that was the room where the cats were fed. They were fed cheese (change is coming) for some reason.

I also remember seeing the water coming in through a vent and saw that outside it was raining hard. The water was flooding the basement and the room with the cats in it. I was asking if it was too late to get renter’s insurance (looking for reassurance). The lady said no but it would cost as much as it would to replace all our things. I was most concerned about the computers (communication, connection) and decided we had room to take them with us.

I woke suddenly from this dream only to fall back to sleep briefly. I was with my two sons going through the lunch line at a school. My youngest was fooling around as I ordered their meals – enchiladas (security, seeking to wrap children in safety, protection from change). The man asked if I had a lunch card and I gave him my debit card and told him I was going to be enrolling my kids in the school. I knew it was up north (reference to one’s inner compass) and I was not happy about relocating there. When I got done I looked and the entire lunch line was gone, replaced with a huge mound of dirt (guilt).

OBE: Fly With Me

I became acutely aware of myself laying in my bed with my blanket (security, warmth) wrapped around me. Realizing I was OOB I began to try and get out of bed but my blanket was making that difficult. I remember thinking to myself warning thoughts about how I needed to not overly focus because it would pull me back into my body. Yet, even when I did worry I was not pulled back.

Eventually, I rolled out of bed and onto the floor, successfully exiting my bed. Then, I crawled toward the bedroom door, blanket still restricting me. I went through the door without touching it. I recognized it was my old bedroom at my Mom’s house.

Once outside the door, the blankets began to fall away and I felt more freedom of movement. When the blankets fell away completely, I floated into the kitchen (nourishment). It was brightly lit and messy. The kitchen table was the older version and covered with plates from a meal just eaten. In the far corner, blocking the double, back doors, was a fully decorated and lit Christmas tree (symbol of gifts).

I remember thinking, “It’s not Christmas!” Then I saw my two boys, grabbed their hands and led them out the front door.

Outside I encountered a snow (emotional distance, coldness) covered scene. There was a tall pine tree (wisdom, longevity) where there is not one in real life, its branches bare except for the tips which were full of needles and pine cones. It towered above the house casting a shadow over us. In the snow I could see impressions left by doves (peace). I spotted two different dove impressions and pointed them out to my kids excitedly.

Still holding my kids hands, I decided I wanted to fly and lifted up into the air. I stopped mid-way, cautious about going too high, and looked around at the scene below me. Everything that had been white and snow covered was now green and vibrant. The sky was blue with fluffy white clouds and I felt wonderful. I remember I was singing a song. The only words I remember now are, “Fly with me!”

I lowered down back to the ground and flew over by the chicken (fear) coup. Still singing, I saw a wooden box with a tiny door. I opened it and saw a brown chicken inside. It poked its head out but wouldn’t come out. I left the lid open and eventually it did and flew away.

Across the fence I saw more of the area around my Mom’s house. I decided to investigate so began to lift up to go over the fence but there was another huge pine tree in my way. I pushed aside its branches and flew through the opening. Hovering in the air I saw some animals running across the clearing in the distance. I think one was a bird, like a egret or heron (self-reliance), and it had two deer (grace) with it.

I turned and faced the other way, continuing to sing. I remember thinking that in OBEs like this I was meant to pay attention and be shown what I needed to know. So I was very observant of my surroundings. I decided I wanted to fly higher up and so lifted up only to feel myself grabbed as if by a powerful force and pulled toward the back of the house. The speed at which this happened surprised me but I wasn’t afraid. Instead I laughed and enjoyed the feeling, allowing myself to be pulled faster and faster toward the trees in the distance. Ultimately, the speed was so fast my vision became a blur. I closed my eyes and felt myself return to my body.

Considerations and Music Messages 

I was surprised to have gone OOB but then it made sense because I had awakened and could not return to sleep straight away. The overall message seemed to be not to focus on what is in front of me but to take a higher perspective. In doing this, much of my fears will be released and I will find a greener, more positive view.

I vaguely recall talking with someone while I was in-between states. The overall feeling from this conversation was that I might be avoiding or rejection certain emotions and situations that bring about those emotions. I definitely remember saying to myself, as if my own guides, “Sometimes we make poor decisions.” This caught my attention but then, of course, I couldn’t recall the context of my words.

Some songs were going through my head at this time. Pieces of different songs came as if to create a longer message.

The first song – “Now I know that I did something wrong, cause I miss you….Yeah I miss you.”

The second song – “Don’t hang on. Nothing last forever but the Earth and sky.”

The last song – “And way down we go…”

There was space in between the songs, though, and conversation that filled in the missing pieces. The first song seemed like it came from someone else to me. The one after that seemed to be a warning or advice about how to handle certain situations. It related to the evacuation dream. I remember thinking how we come into life with nothing and we leave with nothing. The last song message felt like a warning of things to come like a preparation to go “deeper”.

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Weekend of Clarity and Well-Being

This weekend has brought with it clarity and a feeling of well-being. 🙂

Friday night I went to Beck’s Night Running Tour at the Austin 360 Amphitheater. The main reason I went was because Cage the Elephant was going to be playing. Spoon was also there but I saw only the last portion of their concert.

Overall, my favorite was, of course, Cage the Elephant, despite Beck’s performance and sound being so much better. I just don’t vibe with Beck very much. He’s – unique. lol But so is Cage the Elephant. The lead singer, Matt Shultz, was wearing bright pink/purple parachute pants and a black bee keeper’s mask at the beginning of the show. Then he put on a black hockey mask. Then he started stripping on stage (lol). At the end he climbed on top of a tower close to where I was sitting while Queen’s “We Are the Champions” was playing. By this time he looked completely naked but he was wearing a skin toned body suit. lolol Definitely a memorable performance!

 

Spoon just finishing up.
Cage the Elephant portion of concert.
Matt Shultz wearing parachute pants at beginning of performance.

I didn’t get home until past midnight and I was so wired that I didn’t get to sleep until after 2am. Oh well. It was worth it.

The best part of the whole experience was that I did not experience even one panic episode. As you can see from the pics, there were hundreds of people there and we were packed pretty tightly. So, no anxiety was refreshing.

This song was the one playing during the pic of the purple colored stage. I woke up this morning with the part, “Time, flies by, they all sang along…” going through my head.

Signs and Syncs

The next day – yesterday – I woke up after only 4 hours of sleep. I had a busy day but thankfully the lack of sleep didn’t bother me. I took the kids to my Mom’s house for a visit and we had a wonderful time swimming, eating and enjoying each others company.

I took my mom fresh veggies from our garden to include baby sweet peppers, cherry tomatoes and a massive watermelon. When we cut open the watermelon we were surprised to find it had yellow flesh. I didn’t know I bought that kind of seedling!

During the visit some interesting things happened. First, my mom told me they had killed a massive snake. She showed it to me. It looks to be a huge King snake. I told her she should have let it live. 😦

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Then there were hummingbirds everywhere and it seemed they came to visit at really coincidental times.

Finally, on the way home we encountered tons of deer and it was still quite early for them to be out. They would not move so I took a video and caught the lone buck, antlers still covered in velvet, on camera. Sorry, I can’t post the video but he was an eight point (four point for you northerners). Very beautiful and majestic.

Then, as I drove home, I was very relaxed and calm. Usually – well lately anyway – I get nervous when I am driving because of all the panic episodes I’ve had while in the car. This time I felt very similar to how I use to feel when I would have spiritual experiences in the car. It was very nice!

This morning I knew the signs from the trip to my Mom’s house are reflections of my state of being. The dead snake is the most significant because I decided that I am done with following the Kundalini like I have been. It is clear to me now more than ever how the K comes to reveal the hidden in unexpected ways. I had thought I was meant to follow it and the feelings it brings but I realize now that “follow” is all wrong. Observe is better. Under no circumstances should I (or you) assume anything about what is being observed. Do not seek out the positive feelings, but allow them to pass without attaching to them. Avoid connecting those feelings to a specific person for they (the person) is not the cause but a reflection.

Hummingbirds are courage, determination and flexibility. Deer are spiritual authority, regeneration, and watchfulness.

Dream: Louisiana Cats

I was learning about a native people’s in Louisiana who were cooperating with colonists to save an endangered big cat (the feminine) species from extinction by offering it a safe place to live. The cat was often misunderstood as vicious and dangerous to people, when in reality it was passive and no threat at all. The cat looked fierce enough but it had no claws and did not hunt for food like most big cats. Instead, its actions were very similar to a deer – quiet, reclusive, and sensitive to its environment.

The majority of the dream was me listening to the story about the long ago past, during Colonial times and well before many of the states of the U.S. existed. I watched as two peoples came together for a common cause – protecting the endangered big cats. The Natives had tattooed bodies and faces but were gentle peoples. The colonists cared about the land and animals, striving for peace and community.

I recall seeing the land that is now the state of Texas. Part of it was covered by the color red (anger, aggression, passion) – the southern, central, and eastern parts. I was told a tropical storm (swift change, warning) or hurricane by the name of “Heather” was coming. I saw the red zones extend into the southern part of Louisiana. Then I saw the faces of the big cats which resembled female lions (timing, power). These quickly shifted into visions of spotted fawns (silence, mediation, solace) being licked by their mothers and an entire herd of does and newborn fawns. The visual was focused on the fawns and the mothers were use their heads to encourage them to stand.

Dream: Cat and Mouse

I was walking along a country road with my mom and three children. It was hot. The sun was high in the sky. Tall, browning grasses covered the sides of the road. A country house and farm was off to the right, the gravel road and roofs of the structure there the only thing visible.

As we walked a tiny, dark brown mouse (timing, observation) ran ahead of us. He felt like a pet and I kept watch over him as he scurried along. At times I feared he would be eaten by a bird of prey flying over head, especially when he ran out into the open. Overall, he felt important. I definitely cared about the little mouse.

Then I noticed an old tree, bare of leaves, its branches covering half of the road and casting shade over all of us. I heard a scratching sound. It was really loud. I looked up toward the noise and saw a huge Mountain Lion (feminine, the Kundalini) sharpening its claws on the tree. I grabbed my phone and began to take a video. The big cat saw me and I got nervous, backing away and getting farther and farther from my mom and kids who were still standing below the tree.

I kept videoing and the mouse, which was ahead of me now, was lost from view. I remember thinking, “He will be okay” but worrying about him nonetheless and hoping he was safe. My focus was now on my children and their safety. I yelled at them to hurry and they did but my youngest lagged behind. I knew at any moment the big cat could pounce. I wondered if I should make noise to try and scare him away but something told me this cat was different. He was hungry.

Interpretation

The feeling when I woke from these dreams was that I was reviewing the decision I made about the Kundalini energy. The first dream seems to be about the Divine Feminine and Kundalini energy itself – the misunderstanding, history and protection of it. Storms are always warnings. In this case it has a name and I wonder what exactly the symbolism of that name is. The shift from cat to deer has me wondering if I am seeking to emulate the characteristics of the doe and her fawn (mom and baby).

The second dream is very obviously about the threat I feel from the Kundalini energy. I am in protective mode, specifically of my children. The little mouse is interesting to me. I seem to love it and want to protect it. My best guess, based on the below info, is that it symbolizes my fear of something bad happening to my family because of the Kundalini.

Mouse as a totem – Mouse people know the greatest value in life is having the family together in one place. They don’t find happiness in material things. They are adaptable and goal-oriented.

Mouse dream symbol – can be a message to be careful and be on the lookout for something up and coming that could tempt you or be harmful to you (or your family).

The cat is hungry in the dream. This means the Kundalini is not finished. It is still lurking, ravenous.

 

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Dream: You Have to Stoke Your Fire

Though I feel a bit better after the weekend’s concerning emotional stir-up and I’ve settled some, the residuals of what happened are still there and coming occasionally to mind as I go through my day. The distraction of it has been interfering with my work. Yesterday I almost wired $45K by accident because I didn’t recognized a fraudulent email address. Thankfully, I caught it but not after a nice stomach drop of dread. Scattered does not go well with my job and I quickly got myself in line after that.

For the most part I find myself in a sort of split state again. There are two distinct versions of myself and both have different feelings, ideas, and thoughts. I am not sure if this is just me working through a past version of myself or what. Maybe this is a fractured aspect that needs to be integrated? The problem is that identifying that aspect can be difficult and I often get confused as to which desires are mine or hers….or maybe they are both of ours?

My guidance is not much help these days so I often rely on my dreams to bring insight (I wanted to write “incite” for some reason). Last night’s dreams are interesting.

Dream: Flooded Back Yard

In this dream the back of our house was filling with water. It started as a stream flowing off to the left that I was trying to divert because I knew a flood was coming. I had a shovel and was taking dirt and moving it to help the stream shift direction. I piled a bunch of dirt into a section to slow the flow.

When I turned to my right the water was rising quickly and my husband had thrown a net across a large pond that had formed. I could see various objects floating in the water – boxes, furniture and random things that should have been inside a house. He and my children were happily riding on top of the objects as if at a swimming pool but the water was swirling and moving, little eddies and whirlpools forming. It was also dark, almost black.

I remember feeling unable to do anything to stop the rising water. My family ignored my pleas for help and seemed to think it was all fun and games.

Dream: You Have to Stoke Your Fire

This dream began inside a Chinese restaurant. My mom was with me and I was ordering food for her. I could not decide what to get her because she was not cooperating and telling me what she wanted. So I opted to get her a chicken dish. When I turned to the table where she was sitting I saw she wasn’t eating it. I asked her why and she said, “I am never eating this again.” There was discussion about her getting a job as well. She was suppose to work at the restaurant but refusing, saying she would not be coming back.

Then I was inside a house that was abandoned. I knew it had been my sister and husband’s house. I stood inside a dimly lit room. It had white walls and no furnishings. The shadows made it look pretty eerie. In the corner I saw a 20 gallon fish aquarium sitting in front of a large window. It was completely empty. For some reason I decided to add water to it. When I did, the pump turned on suddenly and I thought, “They left the pump on all this time, even without water?”

I looked down at my feet and saw a small bowl full of water swimming with all kinds of fish. I thought it weird that my sister would just leave them there with no oxygen or food. I took the bowl and dumped it into the 20 gallon aquarium. The fish began to swim about happily. There were all colors and shapes.

Suddenly a large creature flew in through the window, landed in the tank and began devouring all the fish. It was as large as the opening of the tank! I realized it was a massive house fly and frantically tried to find a way to get it out of there. I picked up a container of some kind of spray and began to spray it. I could see its back and wings – iridescent green. The spray annoyed it and it flew away. I remember freaking out a bit because of how massive it was and relieved that it did not fly toward me.

There was a mini-dream inserted here where all the fish transformed into poultry that had escaped from a pen. I gathered up three small, feathered chicks and moved them to safety.

Back in the house I began to walk the perimeter of the house and lock all the doors. I knew I would be staying the night and felt uneasy there. The house was large with a screened in porch around the entire perimeter. So I had to lock the doors on the porch and the house.

I remember coming to a set of double doors leading to the porch. I shut them and flipped the lock but the doors would not stay closed and flew open. Out of nowhere a man approached and said, “Let me help you with that.” He had me close the doors and inserted a finger in between the doors and latched them from the inside. They stayed closed and locked and I was grateful.

I continued walking and checking all the doors. The entire time I was thinking of how I was going to spend the night there all alone. The feeling was similar to how I use to feel when left home alone during the evening hours – unsafe.

I happened to look up and saw a woman standing beside a large, black kiln (for lack of a better description). She looked at me very seriously and said, “You have to stoke your fire or it is going to go out.” She was taking a long stick or pole and pushing it through the coals as the flames burst up, orange and yellow, making her face appear ashen and a bit evil. I did not recognize the woman and my dream memory is obscured. Her hair was long and black and she was wearing a dress that appeared gray and from another time. She resembled a witch standing over her cauldron only she was standing over a large fire. She was on a second level in the house, like an attic only it had no stairs, no walls, just a floor higher than the main level.

Messages

I woke suddenly from my dream and kept shifting in and out of the in-between. I kept catching myself talking to someone. Odd thoughts kept surfacing that made no sense. There was a warmth in my chest that eventually kept me awake. It was comforting but my reaction was conflicted – yes, fall into it or no, resist it. All the conflict within seemed present in my chest. I remember hearing, “All you have to do is follow your heart.” But I panicked because my heart was telling me to follow the feeling. It said, “Stoke your fire” which brought about fear of a return of the decimated feeling, a fear of everything that I am being destroyed. So I would retract and then be pulled back toward the feeling over and over, my heart very obviously saying one thing and my mind another.

A verse from a song was going through my mind, “Wait, if I’m on fire, how am I so deep in love? When I dream of dying, I never feel so loved.”

Interpretation

The first dream about the flood is most likely a fear dream. Water is emotion. Floods are overwhelm of emotion – emotional turmoil. I try to stop it but am unsuccessful. My family seems oblivious and the objects floating in the water are from the house indicating a disruption there which could be family or at the soul level.

The second dream is odd. My mom – aspect of me – is not being cooperative. She refuses to eat her chicken, which symbolizes fear. She also refuses to go to work.

The abandoned house is symbolic of a soul aspect that has been abandoned or ignored for too long. Fish aquariums represents desire of emotional freedom or for a spontaneous, unplanned and natural way of life. I add water and it comes to life meaning I allow myself to feel this feeling and recognize what it means. The fish are ideas, hopes, dreams – all very positive. The giant fly represents a threat or danger that is present. So something is threatening my hopes and dreams.

The chicks appear here. They can represent good things coming or could be a spin again on fear and cowardice.

The locking doors is my attempt to feel safe. The door that doesn’t lock indicates a difficult lesson. I received help from a man so assistance is provided.

The final part of the dream is what stood out the most. The woman stoking a fire and the message she gives indicate that I need to tend to my inner fire. This could be Kundalini or desire – probably both. The witch woman is probably an aspect of me, one I feel is “bad” in some way. The song that came when I awoke also speaks of fire and of death. The feeling I get from the song is that death is not a bad thing, especially if its death by love. 🙂

 

 

 

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Message: The Gambler

I slept long and deep last night. The celebrations and time with family over the holiday have left me tired I guess.

Dream: Tequila and Choice

In this dream I couldn’t sleep and was still awake around 3am or later in the morning. I decided to walk down to a bar and get some tequila. My husband was with me, bought the tequila shot and sat with me as I drank it. I was surprised the place sold me the alcohol. I recall having with me a bottle of tequila, too, and taking liberal swigs of it.

I went home, quite drunk and stumbling. The feeling was very real.

After a while I met up with a young, blonde man and a couple. We drove to a convenience store because it was morning and I wanted to go home with some sweet rolls for the kids. We ended up in the back of the store and the blonde man attempted to put his hands down my pants. I saw the video cameras and told him no even when the other couple destroyed the cameras. The man sulked and so I hugged him and was overcome with desire that I quickly shut off and suppressed. As we left I picked up some sweet rolls and a cup of coffee to take home.

Then I was with my husband, only he looked like my ex, and his brother and SIL. The plan was to go out to bars, mingle and find sexual partners – like swinging. We ended up in this large restaurant-bar that had rows and rows of tables full of people drinking and eating. I remember talking with them about the plan and how it would play out. I was uncomfortable with it because what I was told was that my husband (who still looked like my ex) would find a woman to have on the side but he would stay with me. I told him I wanted no part in it because I saw how he would keep me for the convenience of having sex when he was not with the other woman.

So I walked around the place and watched the other people. I saw a group celebrating. A woman sat next to her son and ordered him something off the menu he didn’t like despite knowing what he did want. He threw a meatball and pouted. I laughed. Next to me sat Jerry Seinfeld. I talked to him, thinking, “Wow!” and even asked if that was his name and he nodded.

As the dream continued I kept watching people as they got more intoxicated. I sat down next to a guy with dark hair who was familiar, a famous actor. I remembered his name and laughed and said, “I’m sitting next to Ray.”

Dream: Circle

In this dream I was at a spiritual circle made up of women, all of them much older than me. The circle was built upon the experiences and channelings of one main woman who then wrote books about each of the ceremonies she conducted to connect with the spirits or aliens who gave her the information. I watched as she explained how there had to be at least three women who acted as moderators for when someone asked a question. These women wore strange, domed hats made out of aluminum that was gold on the top and silver on the bottom. The dome had a small point right over the center of the wearers head.

I watched as the leader began the ceremony. She had in her hand a book that was the 13th in a series of books she had written. I can’t recall the name now but the book was blue and the number very noticeable.

A black woman who had a question waited for the moderators to approve or disapprove it. They said it was approved and she was relieved. She held in her hand a large, flat, black rock and said, “I wanted to know why it has water on it?” I could see that the rock held a small pool of water in its center.

Then I was holding a round object, like a basket only it was domed without an opening. It was made of wool and fibers. The leader lady said it was part of the ceremony. At the center was something important, like a capsule or something. I began to peel away the layers carefully. Some were beaded, some thick like wool. It was as if I was peeling a large, exotic fruit. When I got to the center another scene opened up in the dream and I shifted into it (dream within a dream).

I don’t remember much of this dream now but it was set on my mom’s back porch. It looked brand new, the wood all yellowish and smelling of pine. A man I know was there, much younger than he is today. He was smiling and full of excitement about life. I could feel from him his love of adventure and he was getting ready to set off on a trip. The main memory is of his face and how it glowed. I also remember that he departed on his adventure and left me behind holding two, ten pound dumbbells, one in each hand.

I came back to the scene with the basket/capsule. From the center appeared a small, white lamb, perfect and pure.

Then I was watching the circle again only it was online in a forum. It allowed people to join and ask questions. I asked my question. The answer was provided in images so it is hard to interpret. In the dream it felt like I was told I would be waiting a long time – years. I despaired in the dream because the thought of the wait was like torture to me. I remember choosing to be in a relationship with someone so as to not be alone and to have a companion throughout it. Part of this vision and message reminds me of how I married my ex so that I would not have to wait for “the one” alone (my current husband).

I was back looking at the women in the circle. It was set outside, green fields and tall oaks trees in the background. It made me feel good to be there and I thought that I could pass the time by joining them. But then I noticed how old all the women were – all over 60 at least. I remember thinking, “I’m too young.”

Back looking at the forum I went to my question, clicked on it and deleted it. I remember not liking my answer and feeling hopeless as I left.

Music Message: The Gambler

When I woke the song – The Gambler – was going through my head. Specifically – “You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run.”

Considerations

The sense upon waking was that reunion in this lifetime was unlikely and I told myself to move on and accept it. It is something I have concluded many times before. The song seems to indicate that my choice is similar to gambling. I have to choose wisely after weighing all the facts I have before me. But the song doesn’t tell me what to do really.

The first dream sequence seems to indicate I am looking for respite and I do it through drinking. I want to relieve myself of my current life’s problems. A solution is presented and rejected by me. I find humor in the situation via Seinfeld and a joke I make in the dream about sitting next to a famous person.

The circle seems to be me asking for guidance. I did ask for help before bed. Specifically I asked to get a glimpse of my future. It seems like the dream is warning of lots of waiting and passing time. The number 13 could be bad news, overcoming obstacles, or bad luck.  The lamb could be me wishing to return to the beginning, to innocence and purity. The weights I carry are the burdens of my life. I am left behind because of the path I’ve chosen and ultimately that path is the reason for the wait and delay.

The message I received from the circle seems to be that I will find a way to pass the time. This is likely my current husband, though I did not see who the person was. The age of the women in the circle could be symbolic of how much time will pass. Maybe I will be about 60 before anything shifts. If so, that is a long wait plus I never imagine myself living past 65.

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The Grass is Always Greener

Got lots of extra, much needed sleep this morning. Slept until almost 9am! I was awakened at 6:30am by my kids but managed to fall back to sleep. It was better than average sleep with a vivid dream.

Dream: Trip to China

I suspect the location of this dream came from a movie I watched which was set in China.

The first part of the dream that I remember is seeing a map of Europe and talking about visiting China. I said, “As long as it is warm.” Someone mentioned the southern part as our destination.

Then I was in China with a group of people in a building that I suppose was a school. There was a party going on for my daughter’s class. I went inside and saw all the desks lined up and each had a cupcake on it. Some cupcakes were vanilla and others were chocolate. I remember sitting at one of the front desks watching the end of the party and then turning and seeing a chocolate cupcake on a desk. It was a leftover and I wondered to myself if I should take it. It was like I was asking my daughter a question, like she was me. I answered back to myself, “No. I already have one.” I knew the one I had was vanilla, and I preferred it over the chocolate.

Then I was heading to the hotel. My daughter was no longer with me (not sure she ever was but thinking she was me). I went and checked into my room and there was an encounter with another class of college aged students. I was in front of the class lecturing about math, trigonometry. I remember feeling really excited about the math, like I missed solving equations.

There were only three students, all female, in the class. I knew I was not their regular teacher. He was a black man who had left his cell phone in the room. I picked it up and took it into a room and left it there for him knowing he had forgotten it.

I went outside and walked through the empty streets for a while. It seemed like I had no particular destination, like I was just walking to walk. I was also talking to myself or someone as I walked but I can’t remember what I was talking about now. The streets were unfamiliar but had tall buildings and narrow allies and roads. I recall seeing bricks for the road base.

Eventually I turned around and headed back. I knew there was a party and looked up and saw a line forming up above me a on a ledge. For some reason I had a baby in my hands and lifted him up and set him on the ledge. A person in line grabbed him and held onto him to keep him from falling.

I watched the line for a while. It rarely moved but when it did it was by a large amount of people.

A black man walked up to me and asked me for his phone. I told him I left it in the room and then remembered it was in his pants. I had locked my key in the room so had to go to the desk and ask for another. The man at the desk spoke English and opted to take me up to the room. I remember thinking he must have immigrated to China because he had no accent.

I found the man’s phone in his pants and brought it back down and asked people in line if they had seen him. When I found him I gave him his phone and told him where it had been.

Eventually the line moved and me and the baby, now a young child, went through the check point. We had chips embedded in our ankles that were scanned to let us through. The dream ended there.

Considerations

This is the second dream I’ve had with these symbols in it: traveling, standing in line, baby.

To travel in a dream represents the life path and the goals of life. In one dream I was going to CA and in this one to China. California symbolizes the spiritual, adventure and new prospects. It is more positive than China which represents a period where one lacks enthusiasm and passion for life.

Standing in line represents impatience or that one is waiting for something.

Babies represent innocence and new beginnings as well as new ideas and potential.

The first part of the dream appears to be conversing with myself, like HS with lower self. I have a vanilla cupcake and do not want the chocolate one. Vanilla is warmth and family – which I already have. Chocolate is enjoyment, relaxation and romantic love – which I do not have. This I can relate to because lately I have felt resigned to only the one and feeling that having both is not possible at this time or may never be possible. The dream indicates it is a choice. It is hard to see it that way, though.

The China part of the dream might be further inspection of my state of being at this time. The environment is bleak and dark. The streets are empty. I enjoy solving problems (the math) but communication is problematic (lost cell phone). The black man could represent something unknown about myself in regards to the masculine, or an actual man who is hiding something or mysterious to me. Either way I feel unable to communicate with that aspect. The line represents waiting for something. In this case entry to a party. Parties represent ones ability to enjoy themselves and be social.

The Grass is Always Greener

Overall the dream makes sense to me. I have been asking for assistance from my guidance and the answers I got were:

“The grass is always greener on the other side”. Realization that I need to be happy with what I have right here. Visual of standing on packed dirt and seeing a green field in front of me along with thoughts that the dirt can be nice, too, all I have to do is sweep it smooth. I saw myself sweeping the packed dirt and considering the good aspects of it. Though packed dirt is not comfortable it is soil and can be tilled. Seeds can be planted and tended and new growth can be achieved. I can create my own grass or garden or anything I choose. Or I can continue to sweep packed dirt and do nothing different.

Continued feelings that I am going in a new spiritual direction. Where the last five years have been about ascension and expansion, the coming year(s) are about solidifying my earth experiences, becoming more grounded and changing/Being the change. I continue to get a feeling that it is time to look toward physical life experience and away from spiritual experiences. I am not accepting it well because I do not like the physical experience.

My main concern is that I have no idea what to strive for in the physical. I have no drive or motivation toward anything here; nothing that sparks my interest, brings me excitement or anticipation. To focus on the physical gives me a feeling of loss in general. Plus, I am extremely bored. So, I have asked to be shown what to do next. Maybe an answer will be given, like in the summer of 2018 when I asked for a new career path and it was given. Only this time I don’t even have a specific topic or direction in mind, just that I want to find a spark of interest in life again.

 

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Cleansing Dreams and June 13th Message

Experiencing the drowsiness upon waking again. I must need the sleep.

Dream: Penguins

The dream began with me standing on a beach. The water was clear like a swimming pool. The waves came in slowly and rhythmically.

Suddenly, a flock are very large, gray birds swooped in and landed in the water. They had with them their young and as I watched the birds all began to resemble penguins. I yelled to my son who was with me, “Look! They must prefer this water because it is so calm and clear!” I watched them for a while, fascinated.

Then my daughter came running from around the side of the water. She was yelling and waving her arms to tell me she was there. I immediately motioned for her to stop. I didn’t want her to scare away the penguins. She didn’t stop and the water began to foam and the waves crashed into the beach, all previous rhythm lost. The penguins remained but I could not longer see them clearly through the foamy water. Eventually they retreated too deep to see.

I entered the water to get a better look and ran into a young man who was wading through the water. He saw me and said, “I know you!” Then he lovingly grabbed me around the waist and tossed me very high into the air as if I was a tiny child. I could feel the sensation of falling back down.

Dream: It’s Okay to Cry

Then the scene shifted and I was walking into a bathroom (cleansing and renewal). An older man was with me. His hair almost completely gray but his face indicating he was much younger. He was smiling and I knew he was the man from the water. He said, “Have you met my family? This is…..” and he went on to introduce different members as he walked past me into the bathroom.

Then I was inside the bathroom heading toward a stall. It was locked and I asked loudly if they were always locked. Someone called out, “Just open one.” I approached a stall and as I reached to open it, it opened and a woman came out grumbling about not being able to poop because of some medicine she was taking.

As the woman walked past me I looked more closely. She was covered from head to toe in white towels (protection). Where her skin was exposed it was red and raw as if it had peeled off. For some reason I knew she had cancer. I stopped her to ask her if she needed a hug. She turned and looked at me and said she didn’t, that she was okay. I said, “Come on. Hugs are good.” She came close and was talking, making excuses for this or that and making little sense. I wrapped my arms around her and gently pulled her toward me, hugging her close. She kept talking about things I can’t recall now. I could feel the thick towels and worried I would hurt her raw skin but I kept hugging her saying, “It’s okay to cry.”

Eventually the woman began to relax and emotion was evident in her voice. I only recall that I kept encouraging her to cry and continued to hug her close to me. The more emotion I felt from her, the more emotion I exhibited. Eventually I was sobbing as I was saying, “It’s okay to cry.”

Another woman walked into the bathroom and interrupted us. The women wrapped in the towels thanked me and left. I turned back to the stall she had been in and entered it. Inside there was no toilet, just a small hole in the ground. Used toilet paper surrounded the hole and it was quite dirty.

The women who interrupted us was waiting for me as I exited the stall. She resembled someone I went to high school with who was very tall – 6ft. The woman spoke to me about the women wearing the towel. I can’t recall what we talked about but whatever it was sent me back to the moment I was hugging the women and I began to sob. The emotion and tears woke me up.

It took me a while to get myself together. The emotion felt cleansing so I allowed it. The whole dream sequence felt cleansing.

A song kept coming into my head. The lyrics, “Wait if I’m on fire, how am I so deep in love? When I dream of dying I never feel so loved.”

Considerations

I slept for about 10 hours and when I woke I wanted to sleep 10 more. My body felt so relaxed and free from pain and I kept shifting in and out of the in-between.

I remember thinking about the part of the lyrics, “When I dream of dying…”, and thinking, “Funny, but I rarely dream of dying.” For some reason I kept thinking I might die soon but I was not concerned about it. It was just a passing thought that really didn’t feel to be mine.

There was a brief consideration about what would happen when I did. It seemed that my dreams would become my reality and there would be no more physical reality to interrupt them. I liked the idea and remember listing out all the things I hate about being in physical reality. I said, “It’s so heavy here. I hate feeling heavy all the time. I won’t miss that one bit. I hate having a body. I hate having to eat, to drink, to use the restroom.” Then I thought some more and said, “It’s not the body I hate really. I like this body. I just don’t like the survival part. I really hate surviving.”

I had a distinct feeling of what surviving feels like. It is a constant fear of the alternative – death – that is always there. Even when I am well-off, when I have all I could ever need, the feeling is still there, looming in the distance, reminding me that at any moment I could lose it all and be back in a position of scrambling to avoid death. And all the feelings that accompany the downward spiral toward death are feared – pain, despair, hopelessness, abandonment, hunger, starvation, cravings, and feelings I don’t even have words for – all the ways the body degrades as it heads toward inevitable death.

As I mull over all of this now, I wonder if I was being shown why I often ask for death when I am feeling tired and worn down by life. Death is an end to survival and to be free of survival and all that comes with it would be glorious.

June 13th

Though I haven’t written about this yet, I have had several dreams and incidents relating to this date. The first dream was on May 24th. In it I was with a man who I was dating in secret. We ended up at a ceremony inside a chapel where a huge bonfire was set. The dream ended with us playing a board game and saying our goodbyes. He left saying, “See you in three weeks.”

A week later or so I had another dream where I was having a conversation with my SIL. In it she said I had told her June 13th would be when something would happen. I can’t recall exactly what I told her. All I woke remembering was the date.

At work the next day I was thinking about the date. It felt familiar but I couldn’t figure out when I had heard it or why. As I sat at my desk I saw a flier I had been given a week prior. The date on it was June 13th. It is the date of a pool party being held for all the employees.

Still, it was odd and I couldn’t help but think of the message, “See you in three weeks.” The time frame matched up almost perfectly.

Then on Friday the same flier was sitting on my desk. I scanned over the date on it while in a bored state and read it silently to myself but rather than read what was actually there – “Thurs June 13” – I heard myself read, “Thumbs up.” At the time I was not fully aware of it happening until the “thumbs up” message seemed to repeat. Then I shocked back into present time and thought, “What?” and re-read the flier to make sure I was not seeing things.

So I guess I will see what happens on that day. Maybe nothing at all.

Penguins

The above dream is the second dream I’ve had in a week about penguins and clear, relaxing water.

On the same day I had the dream about June 13th (the one with my SIL) I had a dream about miniature penguins.

I had a dream of going on a trip to an island full of tiny, black and white birds that reminded me of miniature penguins (problems are not as big as they seem, keep you cool). I was on a boat (emotion) looking down in the clear, aqua-blue water (clarity) as they swam in the wake. I put my hand in and touched one. I was fascinated. They were about six inches long.

On the island I took pictures of them. They were everywhere and I had one of those Kodak disposable cameras.

The penguin dream I had last night was of much larger penguins and their babies. Again, I was fascinated by them and my memory of the dream was as if everything slowed as I focused in on them.

Penguins are not creatures I normally see in my dreams. I can’t remember ever seeing them before. They symbolize change, adapting to change, expecting the unexpected and solving problems in unconventional ways. For more information about penguin symbolism check out this website.