Category Archives: Messages

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Follow Your Beingness

The following is an excerpt from my personal journal from November 8th. It is what preceded the post called “I Finally Feel it”.

Couldn’t return to sleep for thoughts of “what if” but, seeing it as an opportunity, decided to work on mindfulness while I waited for the sun to rise.

I found it helpful and my heartrate stayed lower. If I began thinking of negative things I would redirect myself either purposefully thinking of positive things to better manifest what I wanted or focusing on my breathing and body. Once settled, my mind was pulled to the previous day.

It occurred to me yesterday (Nov. 7) after watching an NDE account that it would serve me best to focus on doing things based upon a heart centered approach. When I considered what that meant, I had to confront the conditioning related to this idea. Heart centered has been conveyed as all Love and Light, which is, honestly, BS. This is dualism at its best. Love and Light is wonderful but who defines what that is? If I know anything after some 49 years of life so far, I have learned “right” and “wrong” is not clear cut. What one believes is right another may not. Rightness is a decision made by the individual. This decision is based upon conditioning. This conditioning runs deep. 

So when someone says to “listen to your heart” what does that even mean? I think most people believe it means “listen to your feelings”, but that is a trap. Feelings are subject to change and prone to reactivity. So what about making decisions based upon love? Well, what is love, really? The definition itself is so vague that some people spend their wholes lives trying to figure it out. Is it a feeling? Is it an urge? Is it lust? Is it belonging? What I have learned via my STE’s is that love is not at all what humans believe it to be. Humans decide what love is to them – usually that which makes them feel good. Good being, typically, a dopamine rush to the brain. Dopamine rushes are based upon conditioning, also. So one person may feel a rush when they hug another person while another might feel it when they go on a hunt and shoot and kill an animal. Would you define the former as love? The latter? 

The reality is BOTH are love. ALL of this experience, all of who we are is love. Love isn’t an emotion it is a Beingness. It is us in all our glory, “the good, the bad and the ugly” as the saying goes.

So, to advise someone to follow their heart in reality means “follow your Beingness”. 

When we follow our Beingness it may contradict another’s Beingness, or seem to anyway. Then we beat ourselves up, feel guilt, feel upset, feel – well we feel. All of these feelings are part of our conditioning. They were put there purposefully by us via our life experiences to help us learn. When we cross over, all this conditioning vanishes, and all we are is love (Beingness). All the feelings we had as humans vanish because they are part of the human condition. In Spirit those feelings are there as memories and are not individuated. In fact, those in Spirit who I have communicated with appear to me to be devoid of feeling. It can make a human witness to this very uncomfortable and did when I first began communicating with Spirit guides. Why didn’t they care!? Were they robots? No. They’re not human. 

All of the above came to me when considering my issues with my ex and the things that kept me anchored to him (cords as some call them) in this lifetime. I am choosing to stay anchored to him and it is my choice to detach. Upon inspection I found that mostly I am making this choice unconsciously – out of habit and also out of resistance to change. Habit is pretty easy to fix. Resistance is more difficult. My resistance arises from not looking for the alternatives out of fear mostly, fear of not being in control. This is part of my conditioning. Many of us humans have it. We believe we have control as part of this illusion, but we do not. For me this has been one of my most challenging lessons in life. I have to be very aware of my thoughts to notice just how fearful I am. The only solution is mindfulness and making effort to stay present in the moment. Fear is the direct result of being human and having to survive in order to remain alive (in a body). It is instinctual and a biological impulse. 

So when my guides advise me to “Look” (common advice from them) they are asking me to look for the possibilities that exist outside my fearful mindset because when you drop the fear, suddenly you can see a path that wasn’t there before. “Allow” is also common advice from my guidance and allowing comes with remaining in the present and moving with instead of against the flow of ones Beingness. 

This morning when my mind wandered to things that were not helpful I was reminded of the above. Keeping my mind clear allowed me to connect to myself, my Beingness, and the more I can do this, the more I will continue upon the correct path for myself. “Correct” being what I planned prior to this life. And yes it might involve me doing things that others might view as “bad” or “nonoptimal” or “selfish” or whatever judgment you want to apply. As long as it holds true to my Beingness, then it is correct for me and correct for those I agreed to help in this lifetime via previous agreements (contracts) with them.

Honestly, it is simple. Stop worrying, stop over thinking, quiet your mind, and follow your Beingness. 

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Dreams: Obstacle Course and Betrayal

Some dreams to document…

Dream: Obstacle Course

I was with a group outside near a body of water (emotion) which was below an embankment we were all standing on. We were waiting on something and it felt like I was participating in an obstacle course. Out of the sky fell some gray, flat objects. I asked what they were and someone told me they were to help warm the water as it was so cold it would cause a shock to the body. I pointed to a narrow section of the water and asked, “Why not just jump across?” I jumped across easily and the others followed me.

On the other side we stood on a sandy area near the body of water. I don’t remember much here except the scene and how vast and dark (unknown, fear) the water was out in front of us

Then we were in a bedroom (personal life). We all got into a large bed. A screen was on the wall and we were to watch a movie (life). I found it quite boring but stayed since it felt like it was my duty to do so. Then I turned and saw everyone had left the bed and I was alone. Realizing I didn’t have to stay for duties sake, I got up and looked for my shoes (individual life path) to leave. I saw my black shoes, still wet from the obstacle course, and also my gray ones. My gray ones had the laces (ties to ones path) partially pulled out, though. I commented that someone must have tried to take them. A guide who was with me the entire dream stood behind me and I noticed his presence strongly at this point. 

Reflection

I think this dream symbolizes the unknowns of an obstacle course that has been my life. I survived with only wet shoes but then proceeded to “get in bed” with others to watch a boring movie (life) and then realized they weren’t there with me and it was pointless to stay. The shoelaces off the shoe indicates a subconscious awareness of loosening social ties with a particular group. In this case I think it is my husband’s family. I was “in bed” with them, trying hard to be accepted into their group despite finding their “movie” boring. lol 

Dream: Betrayal

I was with my ex inside a house similar to the one we shared when married. He was being very nice and generous since I felt acknowledged by him, I offered to help with some household chores. This is when I noticed we were laying side by side on the sofa. I felt safe with him and reached for his hand. He responded by reminding me his girlfriend was upstairs and so I should be quiet so as to not wake her. This infuriated me and I considered going upstairs and confronting her, even doing her harm. Rather than do that, I fled, went outside to my car and drove away. I tried to get out fast but someone had left their chickens out and they kept wandering into my path. I had to stop several times to avoid killing them. 

Reflection

When I woke I felt bad about the dream because it outlined the betrayal I felt. My ex often manipulated me like he did in the dream. I felt I betrayed myself by continuing to believe he actually cared about me. 

A flash of a sentence written three times came into my mind. It said, “You deserve better”. I agreed. 

I think the dream shows my regret for my outbursts upon recognizing the betrayal I felt and how I avoided doing much worse things by trying to flee the scene. Unfortunately, chickens (fear) kept slowing me down. 

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Transformation

My second day at work was yesterday. So far I feel welcomed and the people seem genuine. Today I am going into a couple of classrooms to introduce myself. I get to present a slideshow using an interactive whiteboard (its like a big touchscreen computer on the wall in each classroom). I’m a bit nervous but only about using the technology. So much has changed since I was last in a classroom! I have been assigned 3rd and 4th grade to teach guidance lessons and this starts the first week in December. Eventually I will see students one-on-one as needed. 

What I love already about this job is that the admin does not ask the counselors to help with any discipline. This is unheard of! The one complaint I had about my last counseling job was that they kept interrupting my day to have me assist with out of control students and other disciplinary issues. It is not the job of the school counselor to be an admin! So not having that as a complaint at this job will make the job almost perfect in terms of school counseling. 

It is also refreshing to work somewhere no one knows me. At my other job (family business) I could feel the family members judgmental attitude towards me. I was only in the office once a week, which helped, but when I was it wasn’t fun to feel that projected onto me. They had judgments because my ex would vent to them when he was upset with me and so, over the past 18 years, the negative remarks built up and they all decided I was “suppressive”. It is hard to change someone’s mind when they have decided who you are, even harder when they are in-laws. So, at this job when I meet someone, I feel no judgement which is so refreshing. They are genuinely happy to have me as part of the group, or at least it feels that way. I think my perspective has shifted, also. I am purposefully being open minded and attempting to remain aware of my own judgements. I am also being mindful of self-doubt that comes up when I feel unsure of myself. I am asking questions and allowing myself to be vulnerable in that way – very unlike me. 

In past jobs I worked to make money. In this job I am working to help and be of service. This shift will likely lead to some interesting revelations and lessons. I am trying to approach this new stage in my life as a child would – full of wonder and curiosity – rather than as a cynic. 

As I left the school yesterday, I saw a group of small children with an after school teacher. They were lined up and smiling, attentive and eager to learn. It brought up a memory of how I tend to be when OOB. I gravitate towards children and babies and in one OBE – “The Spiritual Processing Hub” was the name if I recall correctly – I remember being drawn to the babies and children and knowing they were always my favorite. This memory along with seeing the kids there as I walked to my car made it impossible not to burst into tears. 

Honestly, I don’t know where this is all coming from – the sense of wanting to be around children. I have have only felt that way when OOB and with my own kids but rarely with other people’s kids. However, in this job I am feeling great love for them all when I see them. I can’t help but smile. 

I also realized that this job matches my environment in Human Design. I am Markets Internal, which means I invite people into my space rather than going to an office or whatever to do my “work”. At this job I have my own office which I share with the morning counselor. She has set it up marvelously and so I don’t have to do anything to make it a good counseling space. When a student needs me they will come to my space and there I will work with them one-on-one. The guidance lessons are as a group in someone else’s space but what I am doing in unique to me so it seems applicable as well. 

This morning I was thinking of all of the above after some visions I had upon waking. One of the visions was of a snake. The snake sightings have stopped because I am not at my country home but I keep seeing them in other places – visions, and a snake like object in the parking lot the other day that made me jump. lol Snakes are transformation (also the Kundalini). I have been hoping I would have K energy again but I think at this time it is merely a transformation from one version of me to another. It saddens me a bit because I miss the K. It also scares me a bit, too. 

As if to confirm, I woke to this on my wall.

It’s called “Transformation”.

When decorating my new apartment bedroom, I selected some paintings I felt drawn to. This one is literally in front of me when I wake up. And across, on the other wall are three others. I see their order like drawing oracle cards – a message of the path I am currently one. 

The names of them, in order left to right, are: Health, Kundalini, and Mission. These can be found via my Walk-In Life blog if you would like to read the card descriptions.

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Snake, Spider and Beaver Encounter

I had another snake encounter! This time I was able to touch it! I was tempted to pick it up but was too nervous. I think it was too cold to act quickly which is why it tolerated my touch. It remained in the same location all day and I went back and touched it again. I talked to it and thanked it for allowing me to touch it. I think this is the same snake I saw last week because it was in the same general area.

I also had an encounter with a tiny, tan spider. It crawled on my hand and I placed it beside me and talked with it a while. It seemed like it was listening to me. 🙂

And I saw a beaver! It was swimming across the middle of the pond. I saw it again on the same day, too, much closer but it immediately dove under the water. I have video of the beaver on my FP but did not post it to YouTube. I didn’t get a photo to share. It was too far away. There is a beaver video on my YouTube, though, that is pretty good.

I included pics of the snake. There is one where the snake is in my shadow and it reminds me very much of the Kundalini and how it flows. I felt it symbolic of my own transformation, though I am not experiencing Kundalini energy at this time.

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Dreams: Recognition and Heart

More dreams to document. It is so nice to have good dream recall again! 🙂

Dream: Recognition

I was at my mom’s with the kids and my ex came to pick up the youngest without telling me. I arrived and noticed my son’s things were gone. In the dream it was felt like an empty space left behind not only in the physical place but in my heart. I went outside and saw my SUV (protection, security, stability, power) parked with my sweater (protection) stuck in the back door half hanging out. I yelled at my ex asking why he left my sweater like that. 

Then I was with my ex but he looked like my heart connection a bit, too. I think in the dream the two people shifted back and forth but most of the time it felt like I was talking to my heart connection. He was open to talking at first but as soon as I started to talk on a deeper level he began to distance himself, walking away from me. I followed, telling him what I needed to say, and noticed he would not look me in the eye, instead looking at the floor and sometimes turning his back on me. I just kept on talking, shifting my position so that I remained in front of him.

The things I said were revelatory. I recognized the parallel between present time and the past. How the situation between myself and my ex and myself and my heart connection were interconnected, even more than I realized back then. My recent divorce and the return of my heart connection into my life is giving me the opportunity to reflect, heal and fully release any residual connection. I remember saying to him that I felt maybe a 10% draw to him compared to the past and didn’t understand fully why. I thought perhaps it was because some hope still lingered that the heart connection could be rekindled. Or maybe there is just a remnant remaining that needs dissolution. In the dream it was crystal clear that the situation was presenting itself so that I could learn. 

I became so thoroughly enthralled in what I was saying that it brought on some emotion and I woke. 

Reflection

I continued to think of the parallels I noticed in the dream. 

In 2016, early 2017, I had tried to divorce my ex and start a life on my own but wanted the support of my heart connection. Unfortunately, my heart connection insisted he have no contact, citing karma, his past similar experiences, and my own good. As a result I struggled to continue on the path of divorce and ultimately withdrew to the security of the known. At that time I had gotten a temporary job as an elementary school counselor which I enjoyed thoroughly, especially the children. 

Now, almost ten years later, I have divorced, recently had contact from my heart connection, and find myself employed as an elementary school counselor again. It does not go unnoticed that it life has aligned similarly as if to say, “Okay, now finish what you started.” 

I find that my response to my heart connection reaching out has been mostly curiosity. There is a small part that want to be friends and meet up to have a long chat. This is likely the part I felt in the dream. Mostly, his energy feels completely neutral, at least in comparison to how it once did. How odd it is! 

Then I thought of my ex and how part of me is annoyed by certain things he does still. I recognize a part of me is still struggling with the end of that part of my life. I think a part of me is still holding on, still grieving for what was and what could have been. 

I also recognized my ex is struggling much more than I am. The reason he is still behaving the way he has been is because he feels he needs to prove something, to get revenge or perhaps to just be right. I think he hurts much more than I do because I am the one who initiated the divorce and withdrew from him so many years ago. Even after nearly 10 years he is struggling to accept that I don’t want to be with him, that I don’t need him and am completely okay without him. He wants me to need him still, even now, even though he has a new girlfriend. In fact, he could only attempt to move on because he got a new girlfriend. It is likely had she not “taken the bait” of his invitation that he would still be harassing me, frustrated by my lack of interest, trying to force a relationship that is long dead. 

Dream: Heart

The dream started at a school that was out in the country. I was taken into the main building where a small group of faculty sat together awaiting my introduction. I remember telling them all, “Thank you so much for this opportunity.” I was extremely grateful to be back and told them so. In the dream the place I was returning to was the detention center I taught at so many years ago. It felt like I would be working in a “jail” (jail = earth to me).

I was then taken outside. I could see another building, a small cottage, down below in a green valley with a few tall oak trees. There were steps leading down to the valley and I stood at the top for a bit. A huge white dog (protection) came pounding towards me joyfully. It was a Great Pyrenees. I opened my arms and let him hit me full on with his body and then we melted together and rolled around. I remember at one point the big dog was laying on my head and there was a split second worry thought about my safety that quickly passed. Another dog joined the big dog and they romped around, running up and down the green valley. A young woman came up from behind me and commented on the bigger dog saying he destroyed her house when she left him inside. I said, “Oh, he’s only a puppy!” 

When I looked up where the woman was I saw an older woman talking quietly with a woman and two other women also talking. I didn’t want to interrupt but I wanted to ask about teaching a class in the cabin below. It looked like a great place to hold class. When there was an opening, I mentioned this but the answer I got had nothing to do with the cabin. One lady motioned to the older one indicating the woman had achieved something. There were no words here, just a recognition from me that this older woman’s heart was wide open and she was comfortable living with it that way. To me, this was indeed quite the accomplishment and I became emotional. I asked her how she managed. The woman approached me, her eyes kind. She opened her arms and I fell into them. She was short, her head only coming to my chin. I could feel her kiss me on the nape of my neck and she said, “You are okay.” By this time I was sobbing uncontrollably. The message I received was that I already have everything I need, it is all within me. This wasn’t the only communication I received but it is hard to relay since it came all at once, telepathically. I remember trying to will the heart bliss to come to me from her, but when I did this I only cried harder.

I woke in tears.

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Dream: Uneaten Hamburger

Another dream to report.

I was with my ex inside an unfamiliar house. Sometimes the house resembled my mom’s house. I think we were sorting through and packing away items. I went to the closet and grabbed a clear box with a couple of items inside. I pulled out a bag with Whataburger written on it. Inside was an uneaten hamburger (satisfaction, having all you need in life, over indulgence).  I realized the hamburger was very old. It was never eaten and in perfect condition still in the wrapper. I mentioned it to my ex and was disappointed that it was not fit for consumption. I opened it up and inside were two patties. I mentioned this saying, “It even has two patties!” I took the burger to the back door. At this time the house resembled my mom’s house so there would have been a back deck. Where the deck should’ve been was an overgrown jungle of plants (journey into the unknown, untapped potential, fear). I tossed the uneaten burger into the plants and it landed under some ivy.  I could see that it opened up, exposing the perfectly round patties, side by side. I was hoping the dog (protection, companionship) would eat it (hope for satisfaction in the future) but the burger was so deep in the greenery that I knew the dog would not find it. This also disappointed me. What a waste, I thought.

I went back inside feeling pessimistic. I announced to my ex that I had decided to leave him everything I owned in my will because, “Why not? I have no one else to leave it to.” I felt a sense of defeat when I said this, as if everything was pointless. I had done so much and come so far but in the end, none of it mattered (sounds like the song – In the End, Lincoln Park”). My ex acted like he didn’t hear what I said nor notice my depressed state. Instead, he told me he and the co-owners of his company were going to find a way to pay me what was left for my shares of the company. He said, we already made an appointment with the bank. He was really excited because he would save the interest if he paid it off early. I wasn’t as excited. My mind was filled with worry over the lost interest and not getting a monthly payment for the next five years like I anticipated. I was handed a document that had the payment dates written on it. I saw each payment had a name and was shown as a transfer from the name to someone of the same name. None of it made much sense to me and the names, though I can’t recall them now, were not names of people but random, nonsensical words. 

Meaning

I think this is a worry dream reflecting some of my thoughts about my current situation and my worries about the future. Hamburgers symbolize life satisfaction and sustenance. They can also symbolize over indulgence and greed. The burger was untouched, packed away in a box in a closet indicating I was perhaps delaying gratification for a later date. This reminds me of what I and others often do when it comes to making decisions in life. We put it off saying, “I’ll do it when (insert condition) happens.” For me, I put off divorce for various reasons – the children, money concerns, uncertainty about the future, fear. I made so many excuses, convincing myself I needed to stay just a bit longer, until such and such happened and I felt more confident about the path ahead. The reality is I was afraid and uncertain. I didn’t have enough confidence that I could handle the consequences of making such a drastic life change. 

In the dream I am super disappointed about the perceived loss. I tossed it into a jungle of confusion and fear hoping it would at least get eaten by the dog and not be a complete waste. The dog never arrived to eat it because it was so deep in the jungle. Perhaps this represents the hope that I would not walk this unknown path alone only to realize I would have to do it alone? All I know is I felt defeated at that point in the dream. 

The last part of the dream reflects my thoughts from the previous day. I was suppose to go to an informational meeting about wills and trusts but opted out at the last minute. I didn’t see the point. I suspect all my assets will be eaten up over time anyway, leaving very little and making a trust pointless. Saying I would leave everything to my ex could be symbolic of feeling the pointlessness of how things turned out. My ex recently told me about paying off the loan early, probably in January. I was happy when I heard the news, but in the dream it felt like bad news because I worried how I would manage the money. Though I would love to retire now, it is much to early for the money to last the amount of time I might have left. I could be alive for another 20-30 years or more. I hope not, but without knowing for sure I don’t want to over budget and end up with nothing in my old age. 

I think the dream also reflects the regret I’ve felt here and there about the decision to divorce and lose, what I perceive as, a lifetime of financial security. 

When I woke I was considering options for the future. If I don’t find steady work, then as soon as this lease is up I need to move back to my country home and live a very minimal existence. I can live comfortably there for less than $1000/mo.  If I do this, then I could possibly live out the rest of my life there without worrying about money. This doesn’t take into account other factors like my children’s needs, health issues, relationship changes, etc. There is no way to predict what will happen. Trying to plan such things is pointless, really, because of all the unknown variables. I think I recognize this in the dream, too, when I notice how much time I wasted planning and waiting for something that never actually happened. The only real relief I’ve felt is in knowing I am no longer living with a timebomb. 

Good News

Around lunch time I got a call from the principal of the elementary school where I interviewed for a part-time school counselor position. The interview was three weeks ago today. She offered me the job and apologized for how long the process took. I accepted without hesitation. She told me HR would contact me but it may be two days or more because they are transitioning to a new system.

I was not surprised to get the job offer. When I first saw the job posting I thought, “I want that [job]”. I didn’t apply for a while after because I kept doubting myself and what I wanted. It has been difficult for me to find any motivation for work, much less other parts of life, lately. I finally did apply and got a request for an interview. I did superbly at the interview, the correct responses to the questions coming easily and without much thought.

There could still be a delay with the HR situation so I remain in a waiting period. I feel the entire delayed process is a reflection of my readiness both emotionally and mentally. A part of me is very afraid of this change and full of self-doubt. I have not worked in education since 2017. However, while at the interview, I said something that surprised me which is typical of a Self-Projected Projector. I told the interview panel that my plan was to return to school counseling and restart classes to get my LPC. Later, when I thought about it, the idea didn’t seem half bad. I was only two classes and an internship away from my LPC when I got pregnant with my youngest and decided to withdraw from the program. Can I return after so many years? Do I even want to? It may be what I need to do so I am going to explore the option.

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Dream: Living Dead

Dreamed I was with a small group in a rural area. We lived in a small cottage home with a huge window at the front entry. I remember looking at the window and its location and considering the layout of the house. How was the house so dark with such a big window? I determined it was the location of the window at the front entry which limited the light from the window to a tiny dining area. Briefly I saw inside the house and noticed the dimness of the light inside and how small it really was. How odd, I thought.

Then I was with the group which consisted of five or six individuals. There was discussion about conducting a ritual that would create change within us. It was presented as a good thing but many were skeptical. I remember some members objected to doing the ritual. Somehow, though, the ritual was done without everyone’s agreement and we were stuck with the consequences. Some were in shock after. Some just accepted it. I was one that accepted it.

As a result of the ritual, I knew my physical body was now dead despite me still occupying it. Everyone else in the group had the same result. Was I a zombie? I couldn’t be. My mind was clear and I felt really good. I had no urge to eat brains or other people. In fact, I felt just like I did when my body was living. I was living but my body was dead – living dead. 

The group discussed their new circumstances. The positives were that we no longer had to worry about taking care of the functioning of the body – no urge to pee, to eat, to sleep. The negatives were the body would soon begin to decay and lose mobility. How could we slow that process? Eventually the body would not be suited for occupation so slowing down decay was the only option. Not many ideas were presented. I remember walking around for a bit, feeling for changes in my body that indicated it was starting to decay. I noticed blood was starting to pool in my legs causing them to look purplish black. Without the heart beating to circulate the blood, it was thickening and gravity was causing it to trickle down towards my feet. Images of what happens to a body after death came to mind – gaunt face, bulging eyes, sagging skin, dark spots. Gross. I informed the group about the blood situation and suggested we all lay down and put our feet up so as to redistribute the blood in our bodies. 

I walked into the main room and saw a large, circular stone table in the middle. All around it were pillows and mats spread out like spokes in a wheel. I recognized the ritual area and picked out a spot. This is where it happened. This is where the ritual was performed that killed all our bodies. I laid down on a mat and put my feet up on the table. No one else joined me. I remember thinking/saying, “You know, what we really need to do is drain all the blood from our bodies. Then we don’t have to worry about our blood pooling.”  I remember thinking of embalming and how that may also be an option. Then I had a thought that if I did remove all my blood, then maybe I would become thirsty for blood and I would be driven to consume people like a real zombie. This worried me and as a result I woke up.

Reflection

I want to laugh about this dream but it was so real that I take pause. What was is trying to show me?  My first thought upon waking was that I was being made aware of something about myself. Specifically, my focus on keeping my physical body in good shape via exercise, nutrition, and youth enhancing procedures like Botox and IPL. It made me think of just how much anxiety I have over my body deteriorating as I age. I dislike the idea of looking old while feeling younger than my age. I already look in the mirror and cringe. I have to wear glasses (severe dry eye) and they age me. I look like a librarian. I have some loose skin under my chin and my eyes droop making me look sad and tired. I exercise to keep myself from going insane from boredom but also because it helps relieve anxiety and depression. I also like to keep my body looking younger and exercise does that. I am proud to say my body looks as good as it did in my twenties. Sometimes I can obsess over my diet, focusing on eating clean and reducing fatty and sweet food. I have been so fixated on diet that, in the past, I have stopped enjoying food entirely. I am not that way now and allow myself to eat pretty much anything I want, but it still bothers me if I eat too much of the wrong things. 

The dream asks me, “Is this what you want? Do you want to spend your life focused on something that, inevitably, will deteriorate and die regardless of how much you try to stop it?” The dream indicates I have created habits (rituals) around the maintenance of my body. It also shows how, if continued to extremes, those habits could become an obsession. Perhaps the thirst for blood, as mentioned in the dream, is actually a thirst for life? 

All this is because, prior to bed, I thought about giving up my job search and just continuing my routine, which involves working out, eating healthy and achieving a certain physique. I woke this morning thinking that I really don’t want to commute to work every day, report to the same location and have expectations placed upon me to perform a certain way. I don’t really want to be around people all day, either. lol Since I don’t have to work, it suits me just fine to focus on doing things that I enjoy. For example, keeping a dream journal, blogging, working out, being with my kids, walking my dog, etc. I struggle to motivate myself to return to a normal job in the normal way. It is just not appealing. Does that mean I am the “living dead”? IDK, maybe. I don’t feel like I am doing a lot of living in terms of interacting with and helping others. I don’t feel alive in that sense at all. In fact, most of the time I feel like I am just waiting to die, filling my time with distractions until I can finally be released from this physical reality and return Home.

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Animal Messages: Finch and Snake

Two weekends ago I went to my cabin and parked in my garage.  When I was getting out my boys started yelling and pointing to something. It was dead house finch laying in the middle of the driveway. They asked, “Did you kill it?” I don’t think I did. I didn’t see it when I pulled in, either. I picked it up and it was still warm. The boys buried it soon after.

Less than a week later I went to the family home, my ex’s home, to pick up some packages and take our dog on a walk (ex is in India on a business trip). I went inside and then came back out to put my packages in my car. On my way back in I saw another dead house finch. It was laying right on the stoop. I don’t know how I didn’t see it previously. This finch had been dead longer and there were a few fire ants on its beak. I picked it up and tossed it in the creek area.

So, two dead finches, less than a week apart. Both unseen initially. 

A dead or injured finch could symbolize:

  • Endings of specific life cycles
  • Need for personal transformation
  • Warning about potential obstacles
  • Invitation to release past limitations; Source: Finch Symbolism

When I consider the meaning of the dead finches, I take into account the environment at the time and what I was feeling. The first finch, found just outside the garage, could be indicating that I am no longer “parked” in life – that period in my life is over. At the time I felt really sad about the finch because I thought I had killed it, but I honestly don’t recall seeing it when I pulled into the garage. Also, I remember seeing a little bird alive above the garage the last time I was there. It was feasting on the bugs around the light. I had been thinking of how I wouldn’t be enjoying my country home as much anymore with the new apartment and all. I was still considering renting or selling.

The second finch I also missed initially (perhaps I am missing something still?). This one was near the front door. I wasn’t thinking of anything in particular this time, just taking the dog on a walk and feeling tired because I was getting over a cold. However, considering it was right on the front doorstep, perhaps it was a reminder of the end of my time in that particular space – maybe even in both spaces?

Snakes

All month I have been encountering snakes. I have lost count of how many I’ve run into, but just yesterday two snakes crossed my path and the second snake decided to bless me with its presence twice at two different times of the day!

Snakes symbolize transformation, intuition, rebirth and healing. They can also represent the Kundalini and its transformative energy.

I am hoping this means the Kundalini is still smoldering, lingering, just waiting to burst into flame once again. I don’t necessarily want a crazy K-Rising event but I don’t have control over such things. The K does what it does and there is no containing it once it decides to run its course. I am hoping, though, that I have cleared enough from previous risings that the intensity is much more tolerable. Regardless, I’ve enjoyed all my snake encounters of late. I find them fascinating and, at times, I even want to pick them up. I just don’t feel confident enough in my identification to risk it. Hahaha Even the non-venomous ones will bite.

Enjoy the pictures of my snake friends. All but the one pictured in water was seen near my pond. All of the snakes live in and around water. Perhaps water (emotion) is part of the message they bring?

plain bellied water snake
plan bellied water snake
common water snake
cotton mouth
cotton mouth

For those who would like to see the snakes in motion, check out my YouTube page and go to the Shorts section. I have lots of videos of the animals and creatures I encounter out at my cabin. Here is the video of the plain bellied water snake pictured above. Isn’t it beautiful!? This one I initially saw around noon and then again at around 4pm.

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Dream: Save the White Kitten

This weekend I gave myself a couple of tarot readings on different days. I don’t have a pic or even the cards with me now, but the card “Power” came up twice as did “Third-Eye Chakra”, a card about partnerships, and one that was similar to the Empress card in traditional tarot. The message was that I have all the tools I need at my disposal for the journey ahead and, though difficulties may arise, I will meet each head-on, utilizing partnerships with others. 

One card indicated a past love might be rekindled, maybe not in the physical but via memories and reflection upon the past. This is interesting to me because I was thinking of my heart connection recently because of the dream I had. I also found my old tote with my school counseling stuff from my last job in it. During that time I had been in despair over the loss of my heart connection and struggling with my then-husband at home who was basically losing his mind at the time and taking it out on me. I came across small pieces of paper that I had written my thoughts on. If I recall correctly, I had been unable to post in my blog not only because of my crazy then-husband but also because I was at work from 7:15am – 4pm and could not find time to blog/journal. I found letters I had written to my heart connection as well as plans for the future and even made some predictions about what would happen in the future. One of those predictions was that I knew my then-husband would become more and more difficult and erratic over time. Oh boy, did he ever! It wasn’t all at once but enough that, over time, it was clear he was not a safe person for me to be around. 

Dream – Save the White Kitten

Speaking of my ex, I had an interesting dream that gave me some perspective. 

In the dream I was inside a house with my ex. He was asking me if I could buy him and someone else a white sweater. For some reason, I agreed, and began to search online for the sweater (warmth, protection, comfort). I ended up purchasing it and he was grateful. He approached me and I remember tensing up, not knowing his intentions and worrying he would blow up on me for rejecting his advances. Instead of making sexual advances, however, he laid his head on my lap. Recognizing he was seeking comfort, I relaxed and stroked his hair. I told him, “I’ve missed you.” 

The dream shifted. Still in the same house with my ex, I was looking at an unopened box (information/gifts yet unknown). My ex asked if I had returned the items inside it. I said I had and he pointed to it and said it looked like I hadn’t. I opened the box and saw it was full of wrapped up items. I picked one up but didn’t unwrap it. Instead, I placed it back inside the box. I was unsure what to do. I had returned the box yet it was still there, unopened and items undisturbed. Do I remove the items and use them or do I return them again? For some reason my sister (aspect of Self) was there with me and she seemed critical of my situation. I think she was asking me to just keep the items. 

Again, the scene shifted. I was inside the house and my ex had given me some food for a white kitten. The food was in two bags. One was cat food and the other a bag of white rice (success, new beginnings). The two were to be combined when feeding the kitten. When I went to feed the kitten the two were already combined. I saw the food floating in milk, looking somewhat like cereal (reminds me of OBE where I was told “Sometimes you want cereal”). I scooped it up in a bowl for the kitten. The kitten came to eat but a black tomcat came over and took over the food, hissing with hairs up on his back. I grabbed the black tomcat by the nape of the neck, took him to the door and tossed him out. When I tried to close the door I found it was broken and the entire side of the house was a wrought iron fence that was broken and rusted. Parts of the fence had fallen over and someone had tried to repair it with copper wire. I pulled the wire secure but a brown bear came at me from the other side and barreled over the fence, knocking it down. Panicking, I went for the kitten, grabbed it and its food and placed it up on a high cabinet where nothing could get to it. I looked at the house and saw the entire wall was a mess of wire and debris. It wasn’t going to keep anything out.

Reflection

I woke from this dream knowing the symbolism straight away. Cats are the Divine Feminine but can also be desire/sexual attraction. I think the white kitten represents me as the Divine Feminine but I am not yet fully mature. The black tomcat is my ex and is symbolic of his sexual aggression. I save the kitten from unsafe conditions – I saved myself from unsafe conditions. When I tossed the tomcat (my ex) he came back as a bear, which feels accurate to what happened in real life. He became someone I didn’t recognize, shifting into a very, scary and unsafe person. 

I also recognized how, had I left my ex ten years ago when I first brought up divorce, he would have been much, much worse than he was when divorce actually happened. Because I waited, he was the one with a new romance, not me (he thought I was leaving him for my heart connection at the time). I think he would have been much worse 10 years ago because of his jealous rages and the insanity of thinking his possession (me) was being taken from him. The amount of torture he put me through (emotional mostly) at that time would have escalated into potentially a very disastrous outcome. I believe he had the potential to cause me physical harm and would’ve had I proceeded to leave him as was my original intention. 

I’ve always thought I failed miserably not leaving back then, but now I think otherwise. I think I may have taken the wiser, safer path. I protected myself (the white kitten) the only way I knew how. At the time I had just opened up to my Divine Feminine (kitten) and was very vulnerable. Now I am stronger, the struggles of the last ten years with a man I knew could not handle losing me, helped me build strength I would not have had otherwise. I kept saying to myself, “I need him to be in agreement” before I push for divorce and it was accurate. It was not for monetary reasons like I told myself, though that was a bonus, but for safety reasons – spiritual reasons. I had to find my inner strength, create and enforce healthy boundaries for myself, and heal.  Though I don’t feel I have healed completely, I do feel stronger and more capable now than I did back then. My writings reminded me of just how vulnerable I was. 

The returned, unopened box in the dream could represent information, new data, that I previously “returned” or rejected for some reason. I think this box is full of gifts that I refused previously and now they have returned to be opened. I seem unsure about taking these gifts. In the dream I worry about getting in trouble for it, so perhaps I am worried the information in these gifts will cause problems for me. Or maybe the gift is revealed by the scene that follows? 

As for the sweater and comfort portion of the dream, I recognize that my ex’s behavior stemmed from his emotional immaturity and an inability to navigate the changes in our relationship in a mature way. He allowed his sexual frustrations to overwhelm him and used his physical size to intimidate and coerce me into doing what he wanted. This worked for a short while, but as I developed and maintained healthy boundaries for myself, explaining as often as I could what I needed and wanted, his tactics failed. His response was to double down on his efforts to the point that he began to verbally and physically harass me. The more he pushed, the more I pulled away. So his efforts backfired on him. All he wanted was to be comforted, his ego stroked and his sexual desires satiated. Thus, the dream showed him doing what he should have done but was unable to do for his lack of maturity and the rage he felt for being denied his carnal desires. 

I hope he has learned from his experience with me. I hope he has become more emotionally mature. Perhaps this new girlfriend has given him what he was seeking? Will he abuse his gift? Who knows.

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Dream: Meeting the Devil

Some dreams to report (haven’t had good recall lately).

Dream: Meeting the Devil

I dreamed I met with the devil and we had a talk. lol I don’t really remember much of the dream but when I woke I knew I had a heart-to-heart with the devil. I vaguely recall sitting across from a shadowy male figure and feeling a sense of shame. As I woke I heard, “It’s not your fault. Forgive yourself.” With this came an understanding that there is no right or wrong, just lessons. 

I feel my talk with the devil was actually a conversation with my shadow self – the part of me I would rather not acknowledge exists.

Dream: Return of the Dark Haired Man

Initially, I was in a room with my mom in an unfamiliar setting that seemed to be from the distant past. I was wearing a blue, fitted dress from perhaps the late 1800’s to early 1900’s. My mom had decided to take my sister somewhere and didn’t invite me. I was upset and asked her how she could intentionally forget to invite me. My feelings were hurt. Note: I’ve had similar dreams of my mom and sister suggesting past lives where my drug addicted sister was the “favorite” and I was invisible. This suggests this lifetime may be a reversal of that lifetime, perhaps to gain perspective.

The scene shifted and I was on a race track (fast track – guides mentioned this in previous dreams) like one would see at a school. I could see the dotted lines separating the individual lanes on the dark asphalt. I turned to look behind me and saw a young man with dark hair sitting in the bleachers. His knees were pulled up to his chest and he seemed to be wearing a hospital gown or robe. I could see his arms wrapped around his bare legs for comfort. I felt from him that he was in pain, emotional pain, from heartbreak and other similar life events. I felt immense love for him and resisted an urge to go up to him. I remember thinking, “He’s like me.” Then, as I stared at him he looked up at me and I thought, “I wonder if he feels the same (draw)?”

I turned away from the man and continued along the track. As I “ran” (don’t remember having legs), I ended up on this one-wheeled skateboard-type thing (hoverboard?). I remember flying along the track which then morphed into a room and other places. I think I was at a school (lessons to learn). I zoomed so fast around corners and objects I felt I might fall off the thing but never did. It was exhilarating.

The scene shifts and I find myself at a dock (departure point) standing solidly on my feet next to some people. There was activity and a large ship (collective journey, emotional) behind me, but I can’t recall the details now or the people. The dark haired young man approached me and I immediately felt drawn to him. Someone behind me made a comment and laughed. The comment was something like, “Oh no, there he is…..” It felt like they were making fun of me and my relationship with the man. The dark haired man stood there for a bit and I couldn’t help but inch closer and closer to him. The people there snickered, but I ignored them. I just had to be as close to him as possible. The draw was impossible to ignore. I remember thinking, “I just want to be near him.” 

Reflection

Of course, I woke after this, recognizing the familiar magnetic feeling. Was this young man the same dark haired man/boy from my past? If so, was it a sign that I needed to contact my heart connection? I can do that because we follow each other on Instagram, but should I? Or is this dream merely a sign that the “link” is being restored like I was told in yesterday’s dream? 

Oh, I guess I should recount yesterday’s dream for context – it was the tail end of a dream. I saw a figure above me reaching up. He said, “We have to restore the link”. It felt like a spiritual link of some kind but I woke soon after and got no further information.

Something interesting from the dream is the person laughing about a possible relationship between me and the dark haired man. When I first had dreams and OBEs with the darked haired man/boy I had similar encounters with people who seemed to find my draw to him, and him to me, hilarious. It always bothered me because, for me at least, the draw is exceptionally real and difficult to resist and the love is overwhelming. However, considering my first dream with the devil brought up shame, it could be they are laughing not at me but at the situation. The heart connection, for me, caused me to feel shame and guilt because, at the time, I was married with three young children. That is not the case now, though. So, perhaps the laughing was there to remind me of my shame.