Category Archives: Messages

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Revelations and Updates

Some messages I have received recently:

From Call the Midwife season 5 episode 7:

Prayers aren’t always answered the way one would hope but they are generally answered. And the answer He gave me was this: When things change we have to find a different way. Now whenever I do up a button or a shoelace I’m reminded of the need to keep learning.

A reminder we all need from time to time.

Nothing stays the same. We don’t stay the same ourselves. And all the time the world keeps spinning faster.

Another quote that caught my attention:

But my first child and my second child both died. One in my belly and one in my arms.

I’m sorry.

Why are you sorry?

It’s just something we say in England, when someone says something bad happened.

It is in the past now. This baby’s in the future, which is why you should never be sorry, just be glad.

And still another:

Sometimes there is no map for the road we find ourselves upon. It lies ahead, uncharted, unfurling into the mist. We are all travelling through one another’s countries. But it is no matter if we meet as strangers, for we can join forces and learn to love. And where there is friendship and affection there is the place we can all call home.

These quotes/scenes and more have been inciting tears. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders; like torrents of flood waters pouring through my very Being and I can’t breathe for the ceaselessness of them. Last night I was overcome by the emotion yet again and rather than question it or judge myself for the feelings I was feeling, I just allowed them to flow because I knew it would not last long. A silent and reassuring voice from within said, “It will pass.” It always does and part of me saw the emotion and the experience of the moment as a Divine blessing. I understood that my human body and mind is not capable of holding onto it all. So, I need to give it up, to give it back to where it came from…..wherever that might be. In giving it up I am cleansed and one step closer to fully embracing the sanctity of this existence.

Amidst the emotional purging there has been clarity on so many things. Lessons are becoming obvious, gifts received finally opened. The exhaustion and apathy I’ve been feeling transforming into surrender, slowly but surely.

After several days of reflection, a thought continues to resurface: “If I had to do it over again, I would not do it again.” When asked why I would not do it again, I replied, “It destroyed me. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel empty.” I heard in reply, “Now you can be filled.”

“It” here refers to what occurred in December, 2015, almost two years ago now. Basically, if I could turn back time I would turn the other way, listening to my inner silence rather than giving in to my human urgency to be loved. The connection that I felt was misunderstood and blown way out of proportion by my human self. I have concluded now that the “connection” was merely the result of a newly opened heart which revealed to me a glimpse of my True self. My human side attributed the very “new” feelings to all the wrong things and had not the experience nor knowledge with which to cope appropriately. I continue to feel ill prepared but recognize that my body/mind/spirit has to be re-taught how to handle that which is my natural state. It is very obvious that my natural state is beyond beautiful, beyond powerful, so much so that my human self struggles immensely because she is buried under layers of illusion and belief.

Another revelation….. I saw myself as the character I play in this life. She seems so boring, so nondescript, so lonely and forlorn. It occurred to me that I should step out of that Beingness and look at myself from outside myself, like I am watching a television show of my life. When I did there was just love for the experience and recognition that I chose it because I saw it as beautiful. Every “bad” feeling, low mood, negative reaction just as wonderful as every moment of laughter, excitement, love, and friendship. All moments “will pass”, it is only the clinging to one over the other that makes once experience seem fleeting while another seems to last forever.

Somehow I have to learn to reject nothing and embrace all and do so without judgment.

Spiritual Considerations

I continue to feel repelled by the online spiritual community, channeled messages and energy forecasts I use to follow prior to July this year. The repetitiveness of the messages is really bothering me. It occurred to me that nothing in the messages has really changed over the last few years. They still say the next big wave is upon us, the incoming energy will bring about transformations and huge changes, etc, etc. Then there is the abundance of people jumping on the ever-growing spiritual bandwagon. It all just bothers the hell out of me. Something is very wrong with it. Every day I stop following another person on WP. Every day I stop following another person on FB. Soon there won’t be anything left to read.

I have always been one to listen to my own self/heart first, so none of the above is really out of the ordinary for me. However, the feeling I get from most if not all of what I am reading is nearing repulsion now. I go back day after day to blogs I use to frequent and try again to read their posts but am turned off within a sentence of two. It just doesn’t flow with me anymore.

The only answer I have to the above is that I am focusing on what really matters: love, family, life. The spiritual is part of all of it. There is no need to follow some channel or some energy forecast. No need to validate my journey from without. All of it is right.here.inside.me. Some people still need to look outside themselves, some are still growing, building their foundations. So they can read or follow the blogs, channels, forecasts. There is nothing wrong with it and eventually they will come full circle, too. We all will.

Interesting little tidbit I want to add now. As if to remind me of my own need for validation there was a time last week when wherever I went I kept getting messages from the environment that said, “Walk-in”. It was ridiculous how frequent it was! I actually had a post on it and then opted to not finish it. That very day I saw this on my way to pick up my family photos:

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I actually laughed out loud when I saw it, thus I had to take a picture to document it.

Then, yesterday I think it was, someone commented on my other blog, the one about walk-ins. I didn’t know how to respond. How do I feel about the subject now? I didn’t know. Ultimately, I still don’t know what to say about it. Part of me is not even sure such a thing really exists. Something obviously happened, is happening to me, but really it seems more like a mental illness – a personality break of sorts – than a spiritual phenomena. At this time the best I can come up with is that I am in a transition period and at some point in the future it will all be crystal clear. All I can say for sure right now is that I have changed, am changed and will continue to change. Change is the only constant.

Kundalini

Last night the Kundalini visited more than once. Consciously I accepted it and even upon waking it swirled and raged, especially around my root and crown. At one point, when the energy was feeling quite strange and almost unsettling I heard, “Stay calm.” At that moment I became more alert to the energy in my crown area. Prior to that, I had received a long, rope-like object composed of tiny threads weaving in and out in spiral fashion. I was to attach one end to my crown and the other to my root. The Kundalini was everywhere but the feeling was unlike anything I have felt before. It was almost as if the space between my root and crown was a vast void with no beginning and no end.

I could not return to the in-between and began to think of all the things I needed to do, specifically that I need to get a run in today. I heard my guidance say, “You need to rest.” It occurred to me then that my recent lack of motivation and desire to “do nothing” in terms of exercise and running was likely more than just my being “lazy”.

Updates on Physical Issues

This morning I have a headache but nothing major. My acne ailment is almost completely healed. In fact, my complexion is glowing and radiant. I will be tapering off of my antibiotics slowly over the next couple of weeks.

My body seems to be adjusting to the birth control. I don’t know if the emotion I am having is related or not. Could be, I guess. The pain in my ankles is gone but I did burst a vein on my right ankle. It is likely it was caused by the BC because higher hormones do effect vein elasticity. It could mean more vein issues in the future.

I am still having panic/anxiety but mostly when I am running. I only ran once this week because the weather has been crazy here in Texas. One day it was near 80 degrees and the next it was snowing (yeah). On that one run I almost ended up in a full-on panic attack out of the blue. These moments of panic come from feeling like I am not in my body when I run. My legs contact solid ground but instead of feeling grounded I feel the opposite, as if I will leave my body via my crown at any moment. The panic comes from my human mind immediately worrying that I will not be in control of this body. Scenarios of passing out on the sidewalk or running into traffic shift me into panic mode. I have to tell myself, “I’m okay. Everything’s fine”. But on this particular day a part of me embraced leaving my body and had no concern or worry of what might happen if I did. Once I ignored the panicking side and listened to the other my anxiety lessened and then dissipated. After that I still opted to take a route away from busy roads just in case. lol

Family

I’ve been having disconcerting dreams about my sister lately. Her birthday is today but I am unable to communicate with her or send her a gift or card because she and her husband have purposefully withheld their address from family. The feeling is that either she is currently struggling or that more severe struggles await her and her husband. It saddens me, especially since she is mostly hurting herself by disconnecting like she is.

My family recently had family photos taken. Here are a couple of them:

Since these photos were taken I have been ever so grateful for my many blessings. At times I am overflowing with gratitude. The smallest of moments make me smile. For example, I have been reading to my youngest in the evenings. He has been requesting that I read to him nightly and brings book after book to me. Every time I read to him he snuggles up close and always either holds or strokes my arm or hand. It is the sweetest thing. I don’t think either of my other two children ever did that.

 

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Considerations and Lessons

Hope you are riding the energy of this full moon and not being drowned by it. I know that sounds a bit dramatic but then I’m a Leo and can tend towards the dramatic at times. 🙂 I believe Mercury also went retrograde recently adding to the mix, not that Mercury retro really is an issue for me. I rarely notice when it goes retro.

However, perhaps Mercury played a part in the wonderful fun I had yesterday morning. There was a text from my bank first thing in the morning about a charge on my debit card. Turns out, someone hacked my card and was using it to buy all kinds of things online. I spent my whole morning sorting it out on my own because my bank could do nothing until the charges went through. As long as they were pending I had to wait or contact the retailers myself. So…..I contacted the retailers and fixed it myself. The last place – DSW – was so grateful I felt like I had done my good deed for the day. Plus, I got the satisfaction of knowing whoever was trying to get a free ride off me FAILED. I hope DSW reports their address and they are caught but I doubt they are that stupid…..but maybe Mercury will work against them? I can only hope. hehe

Then this morning when I woke up my husband was in the mood to fight. It seemed he wanted to blame me for everything he saw wrong in our family and just be flat out negative and judgmental. I called him out on it because I was not going to have my morning ruined. Then he wanted to talk it out calmly but everything that came out of his mouth was the same stuff that I’ve heard countless times so I called him on that, too. I was not in the mood to talk and just listening to him hurt my brain. Sometimes I think being married to an air sign is painful, especially when they keep talking forever and I just woke up and want to be left alone in silence to drink my coffee.

Perhaps this full moon and maybe a dash of Mercury retro are also making me a bit inconsiderate of other’s needs, especially when I feel my own needs are being ignored? lol I just don’t want to deal with anyone else’s shit right now. I don’t have the time or patience for whining, ranting, raving, or complaining especially when it is something I’ve heard time and time again and the person doing it is using it to avoid taking responsibility. I call Bull Shit and do so in a very direct way. Thankfully my husband is the only one I have to deal with. He can handle it. Others, well not so much usually. This is a good time for me to hide out at home I think. lolol

Updates 

Good news – all my ailments previously mentioned are resolving. 🙂 The acne mess is still slowly healing but is not getting worse. My skin looks good except for the spots that are healing but they are going away. I can’t say what the main cause is – antibiotics, birth control, algae mask, using new cleanser – but I am grateful. Considering my mood (as mentioned above) it is good that I usually hide away from the world when I have acne.

No more incidences of panic or anxiety. No tooth problems, either. My cold is still lingering but is bearable. I mostly just have way too much snot (sorry if TMI) but at least I can breathe and my throat doesn’t hurt.

The BC does not seem to be causing me any issue. No migraines or hints of getting a migraine either. I have noticed that the skin on the inside of both of my legs near the ankles feels tight in the morning and I had a strange shooting pain in my left calf that went away quickly yesterday. These alarmed me because my doctor warned me that at my age BC can cause all kinds of fun side-effects, one being blood clots another increase risk for stroke. So far, though, there is no indication that a blood clot is forming but the strange sensitivity around my ankles is concerning. It reminds me of how my legs felt after I had vein surgery.

I have resumed exercise and today am paying for it. My lower body is stiff as hell. That’s what weight training will do, though. I will be slowly integrating running and weight training back into my routine but am not overly eager to do so. I still have the feeling I need to take it easy on my body so am going to follow that feeling. Thus, no running or weights today but I might do step aerobics to get my blood pumping a bit. 🙂

My husband’s raise turned out to be $800/month, exactly what I thought it would be when he told me. He still gets bonuses on top of that making it pretty obvious to me that the only reason for me to go back to work is because I want to. For most of my life I have told others (and my guides) that I don’t want to have to work. I am grateful to have gotten what I asked for. In fact, this morning I woke up thinking, “I am so happy that I don’t have to rush around in the mornings to get out the door by a certain time, drive in traffic and go to a job for 8+ hours only to come home and do all the “mom” things I have to do.” I can wear my p.j.’s all day, not worry about how I look or how much acne I have to cover up with makeup (lol), do whatever the hell I want, and not have to deal with people I don’t want to deal with. It really is THE LIFE. I am eating it up today, can’t you tell? Like my guides have been telling me, “Enjoy this time in your life.” Yes, siree, boss. 🙂

Considerations/Lessons

Again, perhaps it is the full moon or some other astrological event influencing me, but currently I seem to be fully realizing some of my past lessons. They are not easy to put into words but I am feeling so much better than I was just last week. It is not just physically, either. I feel more accepting of my life and circumstances when before I was so resistant, lingering in the past and wallowing in “what if’s”. Clarity has visited concerning some past experiences and it is helping me to cope and move forward.

This morning I recognized one turning point occurred all the way back in June this year. At the time I had too much emotional interference to see it but now it is obvious. It all came down to standing firm in my convictions, which I did, but it also involved fear, which clouded my (and another’s) view of the big picture. The fear was not just mine and there is a whole story here I would love to tell but I will leave it at that. The moral to the story is that real love does not ask another to do something that goes against what they feel is right. Nor does one place conditions upon another based upon some unknown future possibility riddled with fear of a past injustice repeating itself. Any relationship developed under such circumstances is doomed to failure. However, all of the above does not diminish the love and friendship between two people, it is but a path chosen and a lesson to be learned. Ultimately, that love and friendship is fortified by the choice of each to stay true to their path (heart), undeterred by the inevitable abundance of emotion and confusion that served only to blind their human minds.

I would not have recognized all of the above had my husband not infuriated me this morning with his non-stop nattering. I told him that I long ago learned that lingering on could’ve/should’ve got me nowhere. It solved nothing and kept me pinned in place rather than allowing me to move forward. I said to him, “All we can do is take what we have learned and apply it to where we are now. From here (present) we can make a difference in the future, from there (the past) we are lost to it (the future).”

My guidance via the wonderful reminders, allowing me to taste Divine love and friendship via my dreams, has given me hope that all is not lost. I am so blessed to have experienced true unconditional love and friendship both in my waking life and during my dream encounters. I am indeed special in this regard and feel special every time I experience it. It has shown me just how unimportant and frivolous most of my considerations in this human experience are. Every day I let go of something else, some other human consideration, belief or expectation, because I can see more of the big picture. All this drama, all the pain and misery of life, everything that worries me or causes me to feel distress, sadness, grief, anger….a lack of Love…..is of no consequence. Eventually I will have let go of it all and all that will remain is that feeling, the blessed bliss of Divine love, and it will be everywhere and in everything, and I will Know that it is so.

 

 

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OBEs – Lost Count

I got a wonderful morning surprise of 1.5 hours OOB. 🙂

Before I go into what happened I wanted to add that I find it no coincidence that the number of lucid dreams and OBEs I’ve had has increased since I took a break from my exercise routine. In observing my OBE patterns it’s obvious that when I am not exercising I have more OBEs/lucid dreams than when I am.

OBEs – Lost Count….

I went to bed nauseous but never got sick. I’m not sure what caused it. I attended my SIL’s baby shower and had several Izze drinks which I think were the culprit.

I woke at 3am from a dream that I have now forgotten but I know it was important because I reminded myself to remember. Yet I forgot. Ugh! I do remember asking to go OOB, though.

Woke again at 6am and felt disappointed because I had not gone OOB. Requested it again and went back to sleep.

It seemed like seconds only before I was rolling out of my sleeping body. I do not recall feeling vibrations but something alerted me to being able to exit. Once OOB I was in an unfamiliar house and my vision was on-again, off-again and shifty. I remember asking for my vision to clear but it was not listening to me. My vision seemed to have it’s own agenda as did the entirety of this experience.

I spent most of the OBE trying to get my vision to turn on and walking around blindly through the house. When I would do something that was not allowed I would shift back into my body temporarily and then shift right back out and back into the scene. This happened more times than I can count now – at least 7.

I encountered several others while in the house – men and women. There was an entire backstory to one man who I was interested in “calling” to the house. Apparently he was a coworker who I got along well with and we would meet up to have sex every now and then. lol I remember being pleased with the arrangement and wishing he were there so we could “play”. I remember seeing him in my memories and then trying to fit him in with my current life by placing the faces of the men I’ve been with. It didn’t work out and confused me a bit, like my astral mind and my physical mind were in conflict.

At one point I managed to go out a window where my vision turned on brilliantly but then faded and became hazy as if part of a psychedelic trip. There were others outside waiting for me and I greeted them warmly. One was a woman and I laughed when I saw her saying, “You came instead.” Then tried to kiss her and she dematerialized the minute I reminded myself that anything sexual was a waste of my time. Again it seemed like two versions of myself were in conflict.

When I turned to look with my newly found vision an entire scene opened up of mountains covered in a heavy fog. It reminded me of the Smokey Mountains and I was immediately in awe leaping up into the air to fly over the tops of them. The heavy fog would not dissipate despite my asking and willing it to but it didn’t prevent me from seeing the beautiful Fall colors of the foliage below me. The more I flew the more I felt pulled as if by a magnet up toward the sky. I said aloud, “Stop!” and the motion stopped but then I felt to be grabbed by both of my feet and pulled at high speeds across the sky. I didn’t resist but the speed was increasing so quickly that I closed my eyes and ended up temporarily back in body.

When I re-entered the scene I was again inside the house. My vision was spotty and it seemed like I had heaps of towels or blankets over my head. I kept peeling them off layer by layer but there was always more.

At one point my vision turned on suddenly as a portly man with reddish blonde hair came toward me to kiss me. He said, “You don’t like what you see, do you?” I said, “No” because he was not attractive to me. He attempted to kiss me but I again had the distinct recognition that sex of any kind here was a waste of my time yet I was aware of a part of me that missed it. In fact she said to me, “But it is a lot of fun!” LOL The other part was like, “Yeah but not now.” The me that was interested in sex was wanting to ignite the Kundalini but going about it the wrong way and I knew it. The part that wanted sex then mentioned my waking life to me saying it was a shame that I was not taking advantage of my husband who was “right there”. lol

After all this I had some excursions out the front door that were uneventful. Every time I went outside my vision would turn on and then quickly off again and I would end up returning to my body for a short while. One time when outside my vision showed something surreal rather than the trees and grass that should have been there. It was like pink swirls that moved and shifted with other colors; a psychedelic dreamscape.

Eventually I was thinking, “I don’t know what to do. I should just wake up.” I had gotten very bored. Yet my thought did nothing and I unable to shift back into my body despite trying to open my physical eyes. I realized then that someone was trying to tell/show me something. I said, “I’m not allowed to leave am I?” I paused feeling the answer was, “Yes”, and asked, “What do you want?”

My vision turned on as if I had said the magic word and I was standing in the middle of a golden hued living room. To my left was a TV. It was on playing cartoons, specifically Lego NinjaGo. The subtitles were on but the characters were speaking English. I could understand the cartoon as well as read the subtitles.

The longer I stared at the TV the more vivid it became which is not usual. Usually if I stare at something for too long I end up losing my vision or back in my body. Curious, I looked closer at the subtitles. Very clearly I saw words appear. It read, “Ask a question”.

Thinking it was the coolest thing I had ever seen I was delighted and wondered, “What should I ask?” The question that came out my mouth was, “Are my husband and I going to separate?” I saw distinctly at the bottom of the golden colored screen written in white letters, “Yes.”

Not believing I actually got an answer I asked, “How much longer will we be together?” I saw the number 72. I thought, “Weeks. It has to be weeks” because I had no idea what 72 meant. It could be that I am 72 years old when we are separated by death for all I knew!

To clarify I asked, “Does that mean we will be together for 72 more weeks?” I saw the number again but swear it was 70 instead of 72.

Something didn’t feel right yet the screen was still vivid, the cartoon still playing and subtitles flashing. I knew I wasn’t asking “the right” questions but my mind was blank. So I said, “Show me in a chart then.” The screen went to a solid gold color and then a chart began to draw itself in front of me. It was a bar-graph type chart I think but by the end it looked more like a staircase being drawn from right to left and moving down step by step. Then two-and-a-half steps were colored in slowly starting with the lowest step.

I thought, “2.5….What does that mean?”

Fed up with the confusing answers I was getting and not knowing what to do next I thought, “I should just wake up.” With that my vision began to fade out and was replaced with hypnagogia – millions of white bubbles on a black background that seemed to float upward.

Recognizing the hypnagogia meant I was back in my body, I opened my eyes and rolled back onto my back.

Considerations

Sometimes when I have these experiences I am “trapped” into a scene for a specific reason. I have been told in various ways that I am there to “see” something. Sometimes a guide will come into the experience and tell me directly, other times I will get hints such as in this experience.

In these instances I have learned to look for the symbolism to find the messages I am being asked to pay attention to. My vision was the main message in these OBEs. When they (my guides/HS) want me to see a certain thing and I am not cooperative then my vision is black. If I follow their lead then I am able to see.

The fog over the mountains is another clue. I wanted it to be clear and sunny but it remained foggy. Fog symbolizes confusion, uncertainty and worry. I am not seeing something in my life as it is. Mountains represent a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge and spiritual truth.

Being pulled by my feet could have been a sign that I am feeling a loss of independence and control or maybe it is a message to stop trying to control everything.

The whole time I was aware of two aspects of myself. One was very playful and interested in sex for some reason. She kept reminding me how much fun sex can be. lol The other was more focused and serious, very analytical in comparison. What is interesting is they both felt like me but I identified more with the serious one. It seemed like I was intent on a goal and did not want the other me to distract me from it.

As for the TV portion of the OBE, I can’t recall ever having such an experience and I am not sure what the answers mean. It is likely that the screen was just saying what I wanted it to.

 

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A Warm Heart(h)

Life continues to be busy. It leaves me with little time to myself these days which means little time for spiritual considerations other than dreamtime. I haven’t meditated in a very long while, unless you count the moments prior to sleep when I check-in with my guidance and/or say a small prayer.

I want quickly update you all on the physical crap I have been experiencing.

My skin is finally clearing up, though slowly. I can look in the mirror without cringing now at least. I started using a seaweed treatment a couple of days ago that I believe is helping heal and calm my skin. It’s called Aalgo and I bought it a while ago for some mild eczema I had. It is known to help with all kinds of skin ailments including acne. I took a long, hot bath with it and also applied in in paste form to my face as a mask.

I’ve been on birth control for four days but already forgot to take a pill. lol No migraines from it but I have had a headache for three days on and off but I attribute it to the cold I’ve had that is finally letting up.

I got my crown repaired but it is a temporary crown meaning I have to return and go through it all over again in 2 weeks. My dentist ordered the new crown in some kind of high-tech polymer that is harder than the porcelain of my old one. The good news is I gave in and took the Nitrous Oxide and it really, really helped. I should have been taking that stuff all along. It was like being buzzed drunk and high at the same time. hehe I did have a moment of nearly passing out but I reacted to it like it was no big deal. I actually asked to stay longer because I was more relaxed than I have been in a very long time. In fact, the effects of it seemed to stay with me for over an hour after the procedure – a kind of happy, dreamy feeling. So I am looking forward to my next dose in 2 weeks and not worried if I have more dental work to be done in the future. At $22 a pop it is well worth it.

Yesterday was spent holiday shopping which, despite having my youngest with me, was a pretty enjoyable experience. I have decided to do the 12 days of Christmas theme with my kids this year meaning they will get to open one present a day for 12 days. The first will be the smallest and they will get increasingly bigger the closer to Christmas day we get. Believe it or not it will save us money. My daughter has mixed feelings about it. She wants to have 12 days of Christmas and then heaps of presents on Christmas day, too. Always wanting more….sigh.

My financial worries are lessening. I lost motivation to look for work and have not heard on the one job I applied for. I don’t much care because I am certain my mental/spiritual state is not ideal for working right now. Thankfully, my husband reported to me yesterday that he got a substantial raise for his excellent performance. It was a relief to hear. I really prefer to not work because with all I have to do as a mom it would just deplete me like it did before. I can’t handle that right now.

High emotion continues to plague me. I will get teary-eyed and sad out of the blue. It reminds me of when I was pregnant. It could be a hormonal issue or just part of the healing work I’ve been doing.

Panic has been low. I did have one moment the other day. It was an odd experience. I was out to eat with my youngest when I suddenly seemed to come into awareness of my life, like waking from a dream. The sudden acuity was overwhelming. I could hear every noise, feel every breath in and out, every heart beat, smell every smell. And it was all so new to me, like I had never been in a physical body before. As it began to freak me out and the panic rose from within I heard a quiet voice say, “It’s okay.” Immediately I relaxed and the experience stopped as suddenly as it began.

Dream: A Warm Heart(h)

My sleep continues to be deep but now the dreams are more lucid and memorable. It is like the heaviness of sleep is slowly being peeled away the closer to the full moon we get. I had two very memorable dreams last night, this one was quite thought provoking.

I was preparing for my wedding (union of masculine and feminine). The groom was very well-off financially and the preparations were underway for a very posh wedding. No expense was to be spared. My dress was of the highest quality – silky white, smooth and flowing.

As we were rehearsing I grew more and more nervous. The main memory I have is that I wanted everything perfect and was worried something would ruin my big moment. I don’t remember my husband-to-be much except for a vague image of a Ken Doll-like man wearing a gray tuxedo. My maid of honor was rushing about doting on me the whole time and in charge of the ceremonial arrangements. I remember her being with me most of the dream.

On the big day while we were lining up to walk out for the ceremony, I suddenly needed to use the restroom (purification). I wandered into a bathroom and somehow ended up standing barefoot on the banks of a huge, swollen, muddy river (turbulent, cloudy emotion). I had to go across to get to my wedding and knew it would ruin my dress (expectation). Despite this I waded across the river and was met on the other side by a Hindi woman who would not help me but kept warning me of the deep water (emotional overwhelm) in front of me. I had to crawl up the muddy banks on my own and my dress was destroyed.

When I returned my maid of honor helped me picked another dress. I opted for a dated, lacy dress that did not match my modern wedding theme. It had a heavy veil (not wanting to see something) and wrap. I knew it was sub par but I had to wear something appropriate. When wearing it I felt to be wrapped up tightly in a blanket and could barely see through the thick, lace veil.

Because of the change in my dress we lost many guests and I knew they were never our friends anyway. I recall sitting with my husband with a group of people as the gifts were passed out. Instead of gifts, though, my husband passed to me wads of $100 and $50 bills (abundance). There was so much that it heaped up in a huge pile and he kept asking me to take a wad for myself. I didn’t know which to choose – the $50 or $100 wad of money.

As the wedding approached I became ever more nervous. The location of the wedding appeared to be in a large, open space like a concert hall (knowledge/wisdom). There were so many people in attendance – maybe a thousand or more.

When I was preparing to step out the ground I was on turned and became unstable. I stumbled off the turntable I was on and lost my veil. I quickly put it back on but as I did my entire gown fell off to the ground. I stood there stunned wearing only my slip and underwear (exposed/vulnerable). I froze thinking my worse fears had come to pass while at the same time how hilariously funny I must appear standing there near naked. I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry but I felt utterly alone and exposed. I couldn’t move and stayed hidden there not daring to walk out into the open and stand on the white platform where I was to meet my groom and exchange vows.

Then my husband-to-be walked around the corner to the spot where I was hiding. He was wearing normal clothing and looked nothing like the Ken Doll man I had seen earlier. In fact he was fat and old and not at all someone I would be attracted to or want to marry. He was smiling and his smile calmed me substantially, making me want to giggle with relief.

He gently pulled aside the heavy, lace veil so I could see him clearly. Something about seeing him made me feel shy and awkward. Then he offered me his hand and introduced himself. There was a feeling from him of, “Let’s do this properly.” I shook his hand and introduced myself in return. I can’t recall either of our names now, not even my own.

He said, “Now, don’t you feel better?” He opened his arms inviting me to hug him. The feeling he sent me was that all would be okay and I was not alone. It washed over me like a blanket and I felt secure and safe. My heart warmed and began to buzz with love and friendship, spreading across my chest pleasantly. I replied to him, “Yes,” and hugged him tightly.

I remember thinking the man unattractive and knowing the old me would reject him. But the me in that moment didn’t care. He could have been the ugliest man in the world, old as dirt and fat as hell and I wouldn’t have cared. With him I could be fully myself. I could cry, be stupid, funny, bitchy, ugly, fat, clumsy, imperfect….and he would accept and love me. None of the rest of my considerations about life mattered anymore. With him I could move mountains.

Afterward

I woke up feeling warmth in my heart chakra and a bliss-type sensation I have not felt in a long time. There was an obvious lesson/message from the dream and I knew it all at once, like I had spent the entire dream in a conversation. The man from the dream was there still, a guide I suppose or maybe someone else, I’m not sure. He continued to talk with me, reassuring me and helping me understand what I had just occurred.

One message was that no plan of mine will turn out quite like I want. I can’t control everything. There will always be twists and turns, unexpected outcomes and challenges.

The dream also showed me how much I put on a show for others, putting all my energy into making others like/accept me, trying to fit in, trying to look good and acquire lots of things. In the end none of it matters, though and all of it, every single falsity will break down and crumble away. In the end I will be left with nothing, completely exposed. When this happens the only thing left is love. The message was that this love is always there, always with me and I am never alone. I felt it, too, in the moment when I hugged the man. I would have given everything in my life for the feeling, to be there with him. In that moment it was enough and nothing else mattered.

When I woke he told me, “You will always have enough.” I saw the path that is my life, the lesson I am learning and I understood. It is hard to put into words now but the feeling and understanding remains. The dream is wholly symbolic of the breaking down of the Ego, the shattering of false self and letting go of things that really do not matter.

The reason I named the dream A Warm Heart(h) rather than “heart” is because when I was typing it “hearth” was what I typed. I recognized the symbolism/message. Home…..Heart…..Hearth….they are all the same thing, bundled up together, warm and cozy and full of love.

Another message I received was that I would achieve the feeling and connection from my dream in this life. It is all I aspire to now anyway. The experience of coming face-to-face with love and friendship such as that has changed me. I can no longer accept anything less and now I struggle to find my way because of the feeling of it being entirely lacking in my life. It was obvious to me that the path ahead will be similar to the dream. I do not look forward to wading across that muddy river but the laughing bubbling up in the dream in response to my utter failure at holding my life together is memorable. I have never wanted to laugh so hard and I am certain had I given into it I would have felt immeasurable relief.

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444

I’ve been really tired lately. My sleep is deep and most of my dreams are lost upon waking or, if I do recall them, I don’t care to bother to look into the symbolism or messages they bring. My motivation to exercise is low as well, though I am still following my schedule and doing what needs to be done. All of the above is partly because my kids are home for the Thanksgiving holiday and each day leading up to Thanksgiving we have appointments and plans. For example, Monday was an appointment for our puppy Monty. Today is an appointment for me to get my retainers. Tomorrow is an eye appointment for my son. Additionally, my brother has been staying with us since Sunday night.

Anomalies

Like I mentioned, sleep has been deep with few dreams; however, I have been having some odd occurrences. Two nights ago I had the sensation of dematerializing  – kinda like leaving this physical life behind but not quite. It was a smooth, calm exit and with it was a feeling of nothingness – no memory, no lifetime, no attachments, no connections. It was like I disappeared but in my place was just Being. Unfortunately within a split second of this experience I became suddenly aware of this life, body and everything as if I was grasping for it, desperate to remain. I came into awareness suddenly and freaked out, thinking I had been in the process of dying. My guidance had to say to me over and over, “It’s okay. It’s okay.” It took me a bit to get myself together. I am still not sure what happened. Maybe I was going OOB and instead of my consciousness going into my astral body, like is usual, it remained in my physical body? Or maybe it was Oblivion?

Another thing that I’ve been noticing is that during my runs lately I often have a feeling of drifting off, like as I am running I am falling asleep. It is not a tired feeling, though. It’s as if I am being hypnotized by my run – going in a semi-trance. I’ve not had this experience in a long while. In the past it was cool. Now, not so much. Yesterday was especially strange because I had the trance-like feeling and also had an instance of feeling very light-headed and faint. Of course I panicked. Today’s run there was no issue but I did think as I ran, “Maybe it is this trance music I am listening to?” LOL Probably!

Finally, yesterday, while shopping alone (yay!) I found it hard to concentrate or focus on what I was doing. I walked down isles zoned out. And if I stopped to contemplate upon the state I was in, a sadness would wash over me along with a strong apathy. I often paused and just stared and there were moments when I felt something was physically wrong with me. The whole time I had a slight headache and I swear my heart fluttered in my chest more than once.

Dream: 444

This morning I had an odd dream that, unlike my other dreams, has lingered in my memory. It began with my being in a house and watching as the others in the house all got into their separate cars and left. I followed, not sure of where I was or what I was doing. I looked at the clock on the dash of my car and it was 4:44. I assumed everyone was heading off for dinner but then I began to panic because I thought for sure it was morning but then it couldn’t be, it had to be evening. Yet I could not recall that morning! I stopped and returned to the house confused. A woman saw and turned around and followed me in. She seemed to be concerned for me.

Inside the house I sat down at a table in a daze. A couple of other women were there who knew me and asked how I was. I asked them, “Have I been asleep all this time? Did I sleep through the day?” They confirmed that I had. The women were “special”, they could “see” things and they told me I was unique, too, but in a different way. They asked me about what I could “see”. Specifically they asked about an experience I had that they had heard about.

The experience was that I had a telepathic link to a man in our group. In my memory he is blurry. All I can make out is dark, maybe black, hair. He and I had a connection the others didn’t. I had been asked to help in determining what was wrong with a heart. The heart had a growth on it that looked like a calcified cone. I was asked to use my medical sight to see into the body and determine the cause. When I attempted to look at the heart I looked at the man I had the connection with and fell into a vision of seeing him sitting on a toilet inside a bathroom stall. He appeared to be a mixture of a full grown man and a young boy.  My vision was blurred as if I was looking through water and I could see it rippling all around him kind of like the mirage one sees over the top of asphalt when it’s really hot. The man shifted and looked older and then I was able to see each of his bodily systems one by one. My most vivid memory is of the circulatory system. I could see every single vein and artery.

When I returned from the vision I was excited and shared what I saw with the man who now appeared old yet at the same time my own age. I told him that I knew what the issue was: a cyst. I excitedly told him about seeing all his body systems, reliving the experience as I talked.

Then I was back talking to the two women. They asked me some more questions, questions about the nature of my experiences on this planet. One said, “There are two different kinds of experiencers – those that return to the planet over and over and those who don’t. Which one are you?” While she spoke, I saw in my mind the two groups. The first group never left the energy of Earth but cycled back over and over again. The other came “down” and then, after a lifetime, would return from whence they came. I knew that I was one of the first group. It did not feel like a punishment but a choice, like I had dedicated myself to the planet.

She further questioned me on my abilities. How was I different from everyone else? I drew a picture for her. The picture looked like this:

drawing.jpg

I remember thinking of the top and bottom squiggly lines being like the “roots of a tree”. I was very excited when I drew it. The center egg-shaped portion was obviously my aura or human energy field.

Sadness

When I woke from this dream I was sad. My guide was close and I swear he said to me, “You are dying.” I have heard this before and now I don’t even question it nor do I care if it is literal or figurative. The feeling that came with his words said it all anyway. An all-over-body sadness hit me and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, to drift into a sea of nothingness; to enter Oblivion.

How long am I going to be stuck in this in-between? In-between in this instance does not mean in-between worlds like my blog title. No, it means in-between living and dying. It’s this space that never ends, like a chasm between what once was and what could be if I only reached for it. I don’t feel like myself anymore but then I don’t know who I am or even who I would like to be anymore. I can push the feeling away by immersing myself in life but the minute I am alone, the minute I stop to catch my breath, the feeling returns. It is a heart-wrenching agony, a homesickness, a heartsickness, a longing that just never goes away. And I don’t know what to do about it. I’m not sure there is anything I can do.

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Current Happenings and More Anxiety

It’s been a busy last few days and it will just get busier with the Thanksgiving holiday and my wedding anniversary next week. This week went fast with all that was scheduled in. On Thursday my morning was spent having Thanksgiving lunch with my kids at their school. Yesterday there was a poems and pies event that the 1st graders presented (my son’s grade level) and my mom and brother joined us. Today we have a family photo session booked, the first in three years.

thanksgiving

Me and my daughter at her school for Thanksgiving lunch.

Goodbye Braces!

Friday was a big day for me. I got my braces removed! I had them for 18 months, 6+ of which was to correct an overbite. I still have a slight overbite because I am missing one of my lower front teeth. It’s genetic/hereditary and the tooth has never been there. However, I could care less. I just wanted to fix my top teeth which have been crooked since my teens.

Here are before/after images. Most of you probably see no issue with my before image but after years of hiding my smile and being called “snaggle tooth” (lovingly) by my family and friends I finally fixed my smile. According to my orthodontist, fixing my bite was the best thing I could have done because it was wearing away the tops of my lower teeth. By my 60s-70s it was likely I would have had worn down my lower, front teeth to nothing but jagged stubs.

Sept 2017 (1).png

What is interesting about my braces coming off is that over a year ago, when in the midst of some intense life lessons, I recall thinking about my future and the timing of certain life decisions/events – decisions I badly wanted to make but felt would be “too soon” if I did. At the time I kept thinking, “I need to wait until my braces come off.” I convinced myself it was because it would be more convenient and left it at that. However, during the days leading to the day they actually were removed the memory of that decision/thought from way back in 2016 returned to me as if saying, “The time is near.” Could I have somehow known something significant way back then was connected to this time in my life? IDK, I guess I will know soon enough.

Anxiety

Last night my husband and I went to another of his company functions to celebrate the company’s success. The company does this frequently and I’ve attended several already this year. The celebration began at the Roaring Fork restaurant and after we attended a performance by Ray Wylie Hubbard at the The Paramount Theatre.

I had a pretty good time but, like the last two events, I had a drink and it brought on anxiety. This time, however, I opted to not finish my drink and was able to stave off the anxiety for the most part. After I gave my drink away (lol) I continued to have waves of panic hit but they were moderate to low. The feeling that would come over me was that I suddenly heard every noise loudly and my senses in general felt overloaded. It was as if I was overly aware of every.single.person in the room.

By the time we were in the Paramount watching the show, the anxiety was still threatening and I finally had to close my eyes and imagine myself within a sphere of golden light/protection. I did this with the suspicion that my anxiety was being fueled by my being too open and thus feeling “exposed” because by that point there was no alcohol in my system. To my surprise my protection visualization worked and all anxiety vanished as if it was never there. However, afterward I got super tired to the point of hardly being able to keep my eyes open. We ended up leaving during the intermission and missing the second half of the show.

I am coming to the conclusion that alcohol is a no-no for me now. I have come to that conclusion before but continue to shrug it off and try it out again and again with the same results. Sigh. Why can’t I just enjoy a glass of wine or a margarita every once in a while!?

It may also be that I am having my “one drink” when in social situations and it somehow causes me to be too wide open and so overwhelms me. Last night it felt like I was lost in a crowd, like there was a sea of faces and thoughts that were about to drown me. I would feel light headed and dizzy and then fight it only to have the feeling come on again. It really sucked.

The performance by Ray Wylie Hubbard was really good, however. There were only three people on the stage – Hubbard, his son on guitar and another guy on the drums. The acoustics were perfect – not too loud – and it made one feel like I was sitting around in a circle “jamming” with the band. I thought, “Now this is MY kind of concert!” And Hubbard was funny and talented and made the audience feel like his old buddy.

There was a song he sang with a phrase that really hit home. The phrase was “And the days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations…Well, I have really good days”. The song was Mother Blues. In hearing that I thought, “This guy Knows.”

Other Things

I continue to have odd Knowings that I shrug off for the most part. I am too busy to give them much notice. One day, however, I woke up and had a really strong Knowing that led me to shed a few tears. This was the day after I got the dream message that a “Northern” was coming in. A family upset had occurred that same night that was very much like a “storm” and the next morning I woke up in a funk over it. Later, I stumbled upon this post which helped explain what I was feeling.

The same day, while browsing the web for job openings, I discovered the perfect position and so applied straight away. I have pretty much decided that the only way for me to move forward now is to get back to work regardless of what it might mean for me and my future. I have it clear in my mind the requirements of my next position. I find when I am specific of what I want that it does come to me in time. The amount of time can vary but it always comes exactly when it is needed/meant to.

This all goes along with the message I received not long ago: Reach. Hiding from life, fearful of what might come next, is no way to live. The fear is understandable for me. I have been through so much and the recovery is ongoing. But no one can heal when they hide from life. Hiding is not healing, it is hurting. One must REACH for what they want even if it is scary, even if it might lead to more hurt or disappointment. The only time one truly lives is when there is risk involved. Anything else is not really living.

Every man dies, not every man truly lives. ~ William Wallace, Braveheart

 

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New Knowing, Lessons and Acceleration

Lately I’ve been having a guide visit me, usually in the evenings while I am still awake, but sometimes also during the day at random moments. I have been having moments of Knowing hit me similar to other times in my life. In these instances I push away my automatic reaction which is to hold my breath and think, “Oh God.” lol But then I always think that before I get a grip on my thoughts.

A Knowing that has been frequent is the feeling that another round of spiritual acceleration is coming my way. Since I only have my previous experience as a gauge it is perfectly reasonable that I hold my breath when this Knowing strikes (tiny uncomfortable laugh here). I have not asked questions nor explored these moments of Knowing further. I don’t want to get caught in the trap of expectation again even if it is a fun game to play (very fun at times).

As I mentioned, a guide pops in during the day and did so several times yesterday at random times. Usually he responds to my thoughts. For example, yesterday I woke up intent on the job search I had begun the day before. With renewed spirit I was planning to apply for several positions “just because”. As I walked up the stairs I stopped mid-step from a feeling that came over me from above, like a descent of other-consciousness. Such shifts would be barely perceivable to someone unused to such things, but not me. The message that stopped me mid-stride was instantaneous and without words but the translation would be: Think. Do you really want this/these jobs?…..(no, not really was my answer)…..Then wait. The right job will come at the right time.” And with that I felt to relax tremendously, all at once completely comfortable with myself and my situation in that moment.

Similarly, one morning (can’t recall which now) I awoke with similar thoughts as is my norm – I don’t want to wake up. I want to go Home. etc, etc. Within moments I recognized these thoughts were not of the present moment but of some other – both past and future actually. Past in that I felt the heaviness of all the loss I’ve endured. Future in that I kept trying to conceive of something that had yet to transpire. It is quite an unsettled feeling and it was as if that feeling had a taste and my whole Being was aware of how bitter it was. I felt my guide then and told myself (as he also told me), “I am not in the present moment.” And with intent I self-corrected and found relief. I Knew that it was only in the present moment that I would find my next course of action. It would come clearly and without fear or other obstruction.

It was yesterday that I had the idea quite out of the blue to keep a notebook handy. I have yet to get one but the feeling was that I would recall better the messages and such I receive if I could write them down in that instant. There was the message, “You cannot expect yourself to remember it all” along with memories of all the “forgetfulness” I have suffered since having children (it’s ridiculous!). Also, a notebook would assure that I was not trying to keep the messages in my memory for long periods of time. This would, of course, take me out of the present moment!

This morning I am hearing the song I mentioned before over and over: “Giving up is letting go and moving to a better place…..” But rather than the “letting go part” I hear, “Is getting stronger”. Ha!

Now to the dreams…..my evenings are very full of them lately!

downloadDream: Driving a Bus

This dream was from two nights ago:

The dream began with me visiting a salon inside a woman’s house. My daughter had begged to come with me and the visit ended up being mostly for her when initially I had planned it for me alone. I recall her hair being changed and done up. There was also a bra (maternal instinct, protection) fitting for some reason, specifically for me. The woman measured around my chest area and came up with a new, smaller bra size. She suggested a bra that changed as needed – can’t recall the name now. I didn’t like it because it was a demi bra and could also be used for breast feeding (motherhood can be attractive?). I had no use for either.

We had to leave early to return my daughter to school before it let out. I drove her to the school and the dream gets hazy. What I recall most is that I ended up behind the wheel of a semi-truck (feeling over burdened, taken advantage of) and was receiving driving lessons from an male voice to my left. My main issue was arriving at intersections too fast and then fishtailing my way through the 90 degree turns. Advice was given to slow down after I almost rear ended a school bus.

Then I was driving a school bus (about to venture on an important life journey for personal growth) and approaching an intersection (decision/choice needs to be made to proceed). I slowed way down, so much so that I was too slow and missed the green light. I said, “That’s okay, we’ll just wait for the next light.”

There was a distinct feeling when driving both the truck and the bus. It was a feeling of having weight behind me like a long tail. I had to be conscious of the weight because it affected my speed and direction. Also, I was either not cautious at all or too cautious when driving. Both the bus and the truck were empty except for me.

Note: As I finished writing about the dream, my youngest came in with a toy school bus and played with it very loudly. LOL

Message: Reach

When I woke up the guide that was there prior to bed was very close. I was feeling once again depressed about life and asking for this experiment to end. He said, “We will help you.” I said, “Yeah, yeah. Like you’ve been helping so far?” I thought about how I had nothing to look forward to. He said to me, “Reach.” I understood what he meant immediately. He wanted me to reach for the things I wanted rather than do nothing.  At the time I thought about it and said, “Reach so that when I get something it is taken away or ends up being less than what I hoped? No thank you.”

The following is what I jotted down about it:

In my mind it just seems to make no sense to go through all the effort to get something only to have a huge let down in the end. That is what happens with everything. I get a job/new career, there is excitement and interest for a while and then I get bored and it ends. I have a relationship and it starts out exciting and then gets boring and I lose interest so it ends. Nothing seems to last so why bother?

Then there is the problem of determining what it is I want to reach for. The only thing I want right now is not good for me (in my opinion). To reach for it, to put myself out there by reaching, is too risky. What if I get refused? What if the reaction I get is disdain, boredom, disinterest? What if…..??? Take away that one thing and all else just seems pointless.

images

Dream: Jackpot

This was from this morning:

I was inside a public bathroom (purification/self-renewal) stall using the toilet. A baby (new beginnings) peeked over the top and the crawled into the stall with me and sat on my lap. He could talk and said something I can’t recall. My root chakra activated and he left. Confused I tried to make sense of it when another baby did the same thing. It was as if I was receiving “treatment” but it was uncomfortable to my human self because it was babies providing it!

Feeling revived from my experience I walked into a new scene where I was reporting for my new job. There was a long conveyor belt and cash register with a woman standing nearby. She oriented me on my new position. The job felt to be a mixture of personal trainer and something else, perhaps cashier because the word “checkout” kept coming to mind. All I recall now is my pay was $14/hr plus commission and I was pleased.

Then I was walking along city streets filled with people. My destination was my hotel (new state of mind, shift in personal identity) which was a large building that looked from another time. I realized I had forgotten my room key (access, wisdom, opportunity) and turned back. When I did I saw a man sitting near my stuff. He was listening to music from the 1980’s. I realized he was calling/serenading (expressing love) his love and said, “I don’t think songs from the 80’s will work.” lol He said, “Really? Oh.” He seemed sad.

As we stood there together he motioned to my bag and asked me, “Aren’t you afraid someone will steal it?” I looked and saw my purse next to a backpack about ten feet away. I said, “No. There is nothing of value in there anyway. Let them take it.” I then focused on my purse and realized I didn’t care if it was taken either.

I sat with him and watched older movies from a tiny phone-sized screen. I said, “Why don’t you buy a bigger screen like a computer?” I then told him about my laptop telling him it only cost me $500. He pulled out a device and it was odd to me. I said, “Is that a phone?” He said, “No.” It looked like a hand-held slot machine. I saw the top of it spin and reveal three gold images: jackpot (need to take a chance in life).

I turned and looked away but when I glanced back the whole place was dusted in snow (fresh new start). I said, “Is it just me or did everything suddenly turn white?” He said, “Not just you. It’s snowing.” He then said to me, “A great northern (progress) is coming in.” I saw in my mind a visual of the tops of mountains and a strong wind blew over the top carrying with it two feet of snow. I could feel the wind very strongly. It was powerful.

When I awoke I had the same Knowing I mentioned above. Things are about to accelerate.

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Reach

I was going to write a longer post but am instead going to keep it short.

This morning when I woke up my guide was very close. I heard him say a single word:

Reach.

I know what it means for me.

What does it mean for you?

If you aren’t quite sure what it means for you then here is some inspiration:

Image result for quote on "reach"

Image result for quote on "reach"

Image result for quote on "reach"

Related image

Related image

 

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Dream: Journey to the Seat

Very active dream night. I am not as tired this morning as I have been and so dream recall is higher than normal but still not at optimum.

Dream: Alma Mater 

I don’t recall much about this dream now, which is disappointing because the messages that came through are quite memorable. I like being able to explore the symbols. What I recall now is being inside a very fancy ballroom or somewhere similar. The walls were white paneling and the ceilings domed with similar paneling. I was with several others walking up a very fancy staircase discussing relationships.

From here it gets blurry. I mostly remember circles being cut in half. I am not sure if they were fruit or not but the one I recall was red like a cherry. There was food, though, because I was taking small chocolates and cutting them in half. Someone said to me, “Alma Mater” in the dream but I can’t recall why.

I began to cry during this dream. It was a feeling of regret mostly, regret of not seeing the good in my husband. Most of the dream was discussing all of his good qualities and viewing him as I did when we first met. Presently, it reminds me of how I use to grieve for the loss of my first marriage when I was recalling our history. One tends to look at all the negative in the moment but in hindsight you can see the good and how easily it is overlooked.

When I awoke I heard again, “Alma Mater”. I stopped crying and remembered what it meant: Bountiful Mother. I knew I needed to revisit a post I had written about it. There would be a message in it.

Here is the post. I had written it in my other blog on WP so it took me a while to find it. The picture is part of the post. Basically, the message is to “Be the Goddess”. However, the feeling I had upon waking was that I needed to somehow return to seeing my husband’s good qualities like I did when we first met and dated. I am not sure I can do that with all the time that has passed. We will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary Nov. 24th.

ceres

Dream: The Seat

This dream was so good I did NOT want to wake up from it.

It began with me driving on a small motorbike with another woman. She felt like my sister or a close, inexperienced friend. She was in control but I soon realized she could not drive well. I said, “You’re out of practice.” I took the handlebars and let her have control of the gas and brake. Steering her in the right direction was difficult because it was dark and foggy and the roads were unfamiliar. We eventually had to stop to wait for morning.

A traveler came and took us the rest of the way to a small town. There I met others, mostly women. One woman had an old leg injury that I healed with my hands. I remember feeling the intensity of the energy as it surged through me. She felt instant relief and thanked me.

Then we traveled to the next location. The woman with me was a traveler and the other woman from the beginning was no more. I believe the two of us merged into one and that is why she was no longer present.

At the new place I was washing my hair, putting conditioner in it. Then I went to a car, the traveler’s car, to get something but the key was stuck. I pulled it out, an alarm sounded, so I reinserted it and turned it to the left. The key released and the alarm stopped.

I exited through a building that had lines of students inside. They all recognized me asking me, “Did he really cry?” I felt like a celebrity based on the energy in the room. I said he did and passed through.

On the other side I was standing by the motorbike with a woman at the edge of a very large crater. A man was standing there with a woman. When we saw each other there was recognition. He left the other woman’s side and joined me. I knew we were married. We then each put on a parachute and jumped into the gorge. I remember thinking, “I normally wouldn’t do something like this!” I felt such excitement, though.

Somehow my partner and I were split up but I didn’t seem to care. I looked down at the landscape below. It was so beautiful and went on and on forever it seemed. The bowl-like depression was lined with jagged mountains. Each mountain tip seemed to be situated purposely like a flower petal around the center of the bowl. There was greenery intermittent with rocks. I was elated as I landed close to the center.

I saw ahead of me a brilliant white, rectangular platform in the center. I walked up to it and thought, “This is the seat”. In my mind I thought “government” and there was an image of the White House of the U.S. crumbling as if to confirm that I was at the location of the “new government” as the old one had fallen. I lingered only for a moment because I wanted to find my partner. I looked and saw his parachute in the distance and knew he had landed.

I headed in the direction of the parachute and saw that he had fallen into deep water. The strange thing is that the body of water appeared like a channel that had been purposefully dug. It looked like one of the spokes of a huge wheel. In the water were three men all swimming but unable to get out without assistance. The first man called out to me. He had very blonde hair and was smiling. I remember thinking, “Ken” as in “Ken and Barbie”. I passed by him and the other man, my eyes on my partner at the end.

When I reached him I leaned down to help him out. I saw his dark hair and eyes and smiled in recognition. He grabbed onto my arm and pulled himself up but his weight was so much it pulled me down and almost into the water with him. I helped him out, though, and he fell on top of me.

He sat up, straddling me. He was completely naked. I assume I was, too, but that was not my focus. I was too happy to see him and kept kissing him eagerly. I wrapped my legs around him and we kissed and laughed for a bit. I kept pulling him toward me and not letting him get up. He said to me while motioning toward the seat, “We’ve got to get going…..” I said, “I don’t wanna….” I remember thinking to him, “Pleeeeeease” He was resisting my advances but I could feel what he wanted was the same as what I wanted. He was concerned others would see us. He felt exposed. I acknowledged him but sent him, “So? I don’t care.” It was understandable to feel exposed. There we were, both naked out in the open with at least two other men watching and who knows who else could see us.

I felt the moment he made his choice. He finally stopped holding back and gave in to what he wanted (and I wanted, too). In that instant I saw the number 111 flash behind his left shoulder. Then, I felt a surge of energy in my root chakra like a bolt of lightening. It came with a release, like years and years of pent up energy finally had somewhere to go. We both felt it but the intensity of it was too much for me and when the second surge hit, I woke up.

Afterward

When I awoke I was crying. I couldn’t help myself. It was just so beautiful. I was overjoyed, overflowing. I was also very upset to have woken up. What awful timing I have! I spent a good amount of time after that lingering in the memory of it, savoring it.

My mind then went to the dream before and all the symbolism. The two versions of myself becoming one – the experienced one and the one needing practice. I remembered the “traveler” and the strange key. The room of children asking over and over, “Did he really cry?”

The most spectacular was the bowl shaped depression we wound up in. I knew the “seat” was the “seat of the soul” and that the “bowl” was a chakra. The mountains around the edge were in the shape of a flower…..a lotus maybe? And the water was between each of the mountain tops in linear shapes all pointing to the center. It was as if we were in the center of the actual chakra!

The crumbling “government” and new government must be symbolic of the Ego and the Higher Self. One crumbled, “destroyed”, replaced by the better, more experienced one. Yet I did not linger at this new “seat”. Instead I helped my partner who had gotten stuck in the water (emotional overwhelm maybe?). I suspect we would both have gone to the seat together had I not awakened prematurely!

As I smiled at the realization of all of the above I heard very distinctly, “Pilgrim” and the Enya song came to mind.

 

by

Kundalini, Tarot Reading and Reflection

I’ve been meaning to write sooner but each day I can’t seem to find the time and when I do find time I am either too tired or have lost motivation. Today is similar and even in writing this I am tempted to go lay on the floor (my attempt at meditation/grounding) for a while or take a bath rather than write. The tiredness comes from the previous four days of sleep deprivation. I seem unable to catch up no matter how many hours of sleep I accrue.

Additionally, our new puppy, Monty, requires tons of attention. I feel like a new mother! The only time I get to myself is when he takes naps. When he is awake I have to constantly monitor him and play with him. His morning nap is when I have scheduled my workout. His afternoon nap is when I am usually laying on the floor zoned out. lol By the evening he sleeps more but I am too busy with dinner and the kids to do much else. Once bedtime comes around all I want is sleep.

Speaking of Monty, he is settling into our family well. He has been kennel trained already meaning he goes to his kennel when he wants to sleep and play and will go into it when asked. He sleeps in it during the day and in the night without complaint, only whining when he needs to go potty. He is well on his way to being potty trained, too. He is a bit stubborn about the nipping/biting but then he is a herding dog so that is to be expected.

Here are some recent photos of him. He was 7 weeks old on Tuesday.

 

 

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Messages and Kundalini

The last four nights I have had messages in dreams along with Kundalini the last two nights. I have been so dead tired that I have forgotten most of the dreams except for last night’s.

Firstly, two nights ago I received a message that was simply two words: Portal and Change. They seemed unrelated but then I received it again but this time heard it as “Change. Portal.” The feeling I got was that change was coming and it was related to a portal and somehow both were connected to the planet Mars. In my tiredness I mentally sent an eyeroll and fell back to sleep. lol

Edit: I just realized this “portal” is likely the 11/11 portal. What is weird is that I thought we were long past 11/11. Not sure where I’ve been….oh yeah zoned out on the floor. lol And apparently Mars and the Moon will be doing a dance on the 14th. 🙂

That night I had a dream of which only a small portion remains. I have a vague recollection of working alongside a male companion under the instruction of a male teacher. We had late work to do and I cheerfully agreed to complete it since it was math and I am “good at math”. I remember heading my paper with “Worcester” only I spelled it with a “ch”. Then I wrote out four digit subtraction problems and was praised for my neatness.

Also, early that night, prior to the dream and message, I had Kundalini activity in my root chakra again. Just like last month it was a very physical experience but this time I didn’t awaken and almost forgot it except that the experience are very intense so some of that intensity bled through enough to remember it.

Last night I again had Kundalini activity early in the night. I have faint memory of a bright, white light accompanying root chakra activity and a very pleasurable sensation. This time I woke up from it but had cramping in my abdomen like IBS pain that took about 10 minutes to subside.

The following dream came early this morning:

Kundalini Dream: Extinguishing the Fire

I was with a woman in a school building. We were taking down Christmas bulletin boards and clearing out our classrooms. The woman had a tiny red ball that she would press up against the bulletin boards. It somehow pulled them off like a magnet and then dissolved the material. The bulletin boards came down fast because of this gadget.

I remember thinking we would be done soon and said to the woman, “I don’t know why they give us so much time to do this. I can get it all done in a day.” The feeling was we had a week similar to what teachers get at the end of the school year.

Then I noticed a small fire burning near the floor. It was coming from a strand of Christmas lights. No one noticed the fire but me but I knew if I didn’t put it out it would engulf the entire room and building. I found a fire extinguisher and fiddled with it. Someone asked me if I knew how to use it. I said I did and then flipped the little ring off and pointed it at a drain on the floor to see if it would work. It did and so I then directed it at the flames. They went out almost immediately.

When we were done I met two women. One was very tall and the other very, very small and child-sized. I greeted the first, hugging her and saying, “It’s so good to finally meet you!” When I went to hug the smaller woman she said, “You know we’ve met before.” I looked at her closely and knew somehow that she was really male despite her female appearance. I also knew the two were a couple and were trying to have a baby.

I ended up with the child-sized woman/man and seemed to get a lesson from her/him. She showed me in mental images male genitalia and explained how men can have multiple orgasms. I was fascinated by this and the more we discussed it the more lucid I became. My root chakra activated and shifted up into my second chakra. There was a “lesson” going on when this occurred but I only recall “extinguishing” the activity rather than giving into it. I do remember saying to the woman/man, “I need a partner.” When I said this is when I extinguished the energy despite very much wanting to give into it.

I woke up with the energy still very active and my lower chakras but it died down quickly.

Still really tired I attempted to sleep and ended up in the in-between. Most of what was discussed is lost to me now. I was just too tired to try and remember it all. However, I recall being told something about change and having a lot more coming. I suspect it has to do with the Kundalini but can’t be sure.

Part of a song was going through my head as I woke. Over and over I heard:

It’s not giving up, it’s letting go
And moving to a better place

It’s from this song:

 

My thoughts about the above dream are that it relates to the ending of my job/assignment as a “teacher”. The decorations being of a Christmas theme remind me of the many OBEs and dreams I’ve had with Christmas trees and gifts in them over the past several years. I seem to finally be moving beyond whatever this theme was all about. Gifts, Christmas….surprises, attraction or maybe expectation? IDK but the fact that I took that fire extinguisher and put out the fire to me is GOOD. I’m saying, “Nope. Not gonna be the effect of the ‘fire’ anymore.” Then the dream reiterates that I am ready to put out the fire because I literally shut down the Kundalini rather than give into it.

On Letting Go of Time

Yesterday in my exhaustion I opted to just browse FB rather than write in my blog. I ran across a post that jumped out at me. It seemed to be an explanation of the message I got recently – Let go of Time and Possibility – specifically the part in bold.

“hell is always doing things by laughing. It’s about living thinking about something else. Hell is never to be there, but always a little before or a little later, regretting something or waiting for another. It’s never gonna listen to you when you’re talking, ‘ cause you fuck around and there’s no reason for it to stop. Hell is life wasted waiting for life, thought wasted thinking of something else. This is where things become endless, where time passes, where time always goes far too slowly, where the days spread as centuries. As soon as we don’t see time, it’s that we went inside. And then everything lights up, everything lights up. The Kingdom is a state you reach when you don’t see time. It’s like party or love, but transferred to every moment of life. “

From: (pacôme thiellement, the victory of the without)

The quote is an accurate description of why I feel Earth is hell. Time here seems like an eternity, mostly it seems I will never get to the end of this torture. Many years of my life I have spent waiting. Waiting for what? IDK but it seems like I am just waiting for something, passing time. That is how I feel right now. Passing time, keeping busy so that time goes faster. The only thing I look forward to right now is sleep. I wish I could sleep forever. <——— I’ve been saying that for years…decades even.

So to let go of Time would be a huge deal.

Tarot Reading

A few days ago my brother sent me a link to a tarot reading he did for me. It was very good and had some parts that really hit home for me. Mostly I received validation of messages I had received via my guides and my own intuition. Sometimes, though, validation is all one needs.

These are the cards he drew for me:

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The cards are as follows: Empress reversed, Queen of Swords, Strength reversed, Ten of Wands, Temperance, The Moon, Page of Pentacles.

I won’t include the whole reading as it is too long. Therefore, I will include only what he wrote in bold because he felt it was most important to my situation.

Empress reversed: Reversed, the Empress suggests a loss of personal power through placing too much emphasis on another person’s emotional or material needs, thus neglecting your own…..This card can also suggest a dependence on other people’s feelings, indicating that you may be playing a waiting game now to see how your partner reacts and what emotion he/she displays. It is best not to do this but instead work through your own emotions independently of him or her. Notice that your next card is The Queen of Swords which further supports what was just said.

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Queen of Swords: You are far more interested in career and ambitions than in emotional matters. The butterflies seemed to pop out to me when I drew this card (look at her gown). I haven’t really read any of your blogs recently but I remember seeing a butterfly in one of them.

Strength reversed: Strength reversed indicates weakness. You may have recently experienced a setback, or you are questioning your own journey and whether you are on the right track. Your inner strength and courage is lacking right now and you are feeling inadequate and vulnerable as a result. While these feelings may seem very real when you are in the moment, you will soon come to realize that they exist only to remind you that you are only temporarily out of touch with your inner strength. Similarly, the reversed Strength Tarot card suggests that you may be starting to doubt yourself and lose some self-esteem and self-confidence. Instead of taking the lead and manifesting your goals, you may be engaging in self-doubt and becoming dependent on others’ feelings and actions that then dictate your own. (Look at the top paragraph of The Empress)

Ten of Wands: Learn to delegate responsibility and do not take on more than you can handle.

Temperance: Moderation and wise management are the keys to success. You need to slow down, reevaluate your position, and remain open to compromise. The Temperance card reflects that you have a clear, long-term vision of what you want to achieve.  Patience and moderation will result in good management of all things. (Look at 10 of Wands) 

T6c7544799875e604a6c441bc92660637.jpghe Moon:  That which has been invisible or secret is coming to the surface.This is a time when you need to go deep into your soul and dredge up your anxieties, fears, psychic blocks and personality disturbances. This is a time when you need to go deep into your soul and dredge up your anxieties, fears, psychic blocks and personality disturbances.The card itself  reminded me of your new puppy. Especially since the card has two dogs and a Full Moon in the background (Notice that its a Full Moon today). I think it signifies something that needs to be uncovered within your psyche over your former dog, Trooper. Or maybe something even deeper that is bothering you. 

 

Page of Pentacles: The card does not indicate the fulfillment of dreams as much as the initial motivation and energy to begin the process of creating those dreams in reality. Therefore, this card encourages you to begin to put in place clear plans and actions that will ultimately lead you to achieve your dreams and goals. This is a time when you need to be able to apply careful planning in order to manifest your dreams and achieve your goals.

img_8060He also drew some advice cards for me. The one that stood out to me was the Spiritual Partnership card.

This card indicates a time when a significant spiritual relationship is about to be forged, Perhaps it comes in the form of a friendship between like-minded souls on a similar journey toward enlightenment. Or maybe its a master/disciple relationship where an important individual enters your life. The saying goes, “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear”, and when yours arrives, he or she will assist you in expanding your spiritual growth. During the course of this relationship, you will play the role of both teacher and student, and the wisdom gained form this experience will enhance your connection to Source. Perhaps a spiritually minded catalyst in another’s spiritual journey and help that individual on his or her path. Reason will broaden your understanding of the Divine. Regardless of the form this spiritual relationship takes, it will serve your greater good.

Reminders 

When I’m as tired as I have been and not as spiritually inclined I tend to receive messages in synchronicities and such rather than directly. One such sync occurred yesterday when browsing the astral projection group I am a part of on FB. I have long been disconnected from it so thought I would look through the recent posts. Turns out there was one where they were asking for OBE accounts where the experiencer meets up with a deceased loved one. Of course the one I recalled first off was the one where I met my dad in the astral in December, 2005. In it he warned me of my sister’s upcoming life struggles and asked me to help her. It was such an odd OBE because of how intent he was on passing along the message. Intent enough that he always turned the conversation back to my sister when I tried to change the subject. He must have really wanted to get his point across to put as much effort into contacting me as he did!

After I wrote my account of that encounter I was reminded of all that has been happening with my sister lately. Most recently my mom and step-father have been losing sleep because someone has been vandalizing their property in the night. If you haven’t been reading my other blog then you don’t know all the crazy family drama that has been going on. To keep it short, my sister and BIL were evicted from my mom’s house just a couple of weeks ago. It is suspected that it is my BIL who is doing the vandalizing.

The OBE with my father all those years ago seemed to echo in my memory as if my father was saying to me, “See. I told you. Hard times.” And up to this point it has been so very accurate a prediction. Since that OBE my sister has been through hell and though she seemed to come back from it for a bit appears to be headed back there.

Knowing and Returns

And then there are the sparks of Knowing that hit me out of the blue. I do my best to ignore them but one got through the other day. I was trying to sleep and one of my guides came close. I began to dramatize, whining about how horrible my life is and how I want to go Home, etc, etc (typical whiny me). He gave me a look like, “Give it up.” lol Then turned his back on me. I stopped and knew instantly I was being childish and this was “getting old”. I asked him, “What’s wrong?” He said, “You’re not listening” (sound familiar?). I immediately shut that part of me down and settled into my calm heart space.

The next morning I woke up feeling like I didn’t want to get out of bed and wanting to go into my “poor me” whining again. Instead, though, I felt someone cut me off mid-thought and when he did (it was that same guide) I Knew I would get everything I wanted. It hit me so strongly along with memory of previous Knowing of the same.exact.thing. I worried a little then that I would get what I wanted and it would end up being a hard lesson. lol Then I wondered what is was I wanted….well you get the idea. Thinking too much again.

This year I’ve not been the best at practicing what I learned prior. I was doing so good for so long, too. But honestly with all the letdown at the end of 2016 is was to be expected. I felt totally decimated and picking up the pieces of my crumbled Self has not been is not easy. The reading above is so right on with the Strength card reversed. I am depleted – mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Right now I am clinging desperately to the physical aspects because, well, it is the only part of me that seems strong still. In fact, I have not been sick since summer and am in the best shape I’ve been in since my 20s. But I can’t do anything with my physical life beyond shaping this body until I have rebuilt the other parts. I have to be mentally sharp and interested again, I have to reconnect with my heart and emotional center, and I need a strong spiritual connection.

Getting the new puppy has me wondering if perhaps I am at the ending of one cycle and the beginning of a new one. The old cycle would have begun in 2000 when I got Trooper. Now, with Monty, perhaps I have returned to similar lessons from the year 2000. I feel similar in many ways – the same questions, the same emotional state, feeling fractured and alone, not knowing what I want or where I want to go in life. Stranded, stuck, without courage.

I feel like I felt prior to 2014 when everything started ramping up spiritually. I am again asking myself, “What now? What’s left to do in this life? Is this all there is?” I am not excited about life, though I am trying to keep myself interested. I feel once again like my life is pointless and without meaning. I question living as a human, of procreation, of the cycle of life and death….of all of it. I look back on my life and find I’ve accomplished little to nothing of value and I don’t really care. Because of the Kundalini I don’t want to have sex ever again (lol yeah really) and so have been unintentionally practicing abstinence for…. months, I’ve lost count now. No physical sexual act will ever live up to what I have experienced, at least not unless it is melded with the spiritual and I’ve lost hope of that ever happening in my lifetime. So what is left? No sex, no enjoyment of everyday things, nothing to look forward to but…..sleep. You get why I wonder, “Is this it?” Maybe next I just need to suck it up and accept that, yep, this is it.