Category Archives: Messages

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Dream: Having a Stroke

Well it’s 1-11-11! Anyone feel a difference from yesterday? Honestly, today feels about the same to me as yesterday. 🙂 Maybe I am flat on the energy shifts now because others are relaying they feel a lot more than I do.

Things have been weird, though. Firstly, last night I woke up more times than I can count. It seemed like every 2 hours or so. Second, this morning was another one of those mornings where I seemed overly open to the messages coming from other dimensions. Getting ahead of myself, though.

Dream: Having a Stroke

The dream began with me being taken on board this craft. I had been selected, along with a handful of others, to be a passenger on a craft whose destination was never made clear. I remember the moon being discussed but I don’t think this was our destination.

My first impression of the craft was that it was smaller than I had imagine. It had domed ceilings and walls creating a circular feel despite the floors being level. The walls were white except for a few black, circular areas that seems to be instrument panels or shuttered windows. I don’t know what material it was made out of but the walls were paneled reminding me of the inside of an airplane but much more sophisticated. The floors were also white. I remember seeing dark grating along the center.

As I donned my space suit, which was all white and made of a very light material, I remember seeing the other passengers getting strapped into their seats. We had to secure our things and my main focus was on putting a flat, picture-like object into a secure place beneath my seat. I know we spoke to one another but I can’t recall conversations at this point in the dream. The feeling (like a summary) is that it was a rarity to be invited on these trips into space. Only individuals meeting specific requirements were invited and very rarely did anyone turn down an invitation.

While we were in transit we were awake and aware of everything that happened. I remember breathing into a tissue because I had coughed and noticed a fine, colored mist coming out of my mouth. I used the tissue to check and sure enough a yellow color appeared after I breathed onto it.

Thinking something must be wrong I informed one of the attendants, a woman with short, brown hair. She had a medical and scientific background, though her exact title eludes me. She took me to the side and looked at the tissue. She said, “That is because you are about to have a stroke. All of you will eventually have one.”

Alarmed, I went to the other passengers and told them what I had just learned. They listened and believed me but none had the same symptoms as I did.

I sat back down awaiting my fate and not knowing what to expect. Would I die? Or would I just pass out?

Time passed and I lost awareness in the dream for a bit. The next thing I recall is the medical attendant taking me by force into another room. She was holding me down and attempting to put a yellow liquid into my mouth. Panicked, I struggled but could not get my bearings. She had put a black blindfold over my eyes.

I remember knowing she was putting this liquid into my mouth to induce a stroke. She wanted to see how my body would respond. It was like she was conducting an experiment on me. I remember thinking I had been lied to and conned into thinking the trip was a privilege.

Eventually, still blindfolded and unable to counter the strength of my attacker, I gave in and opened my mouth wide to let her drop in the contents of the dropper she was holding. The odd thing here is that I saw myself from outside myself at this time. I did not look like I do in waking life. My hair was blonde but cut short like a mans. The suit I was wearing was white with black markings on the chest area. It reminded me of what a person would wear who is about to parachute out of a plane.

I was laying on a medical type bed made out shiny metal in a room that resembled a lab. The room was curved like the rest of the ship but it had a counter and various medical instruments inside (well I assume they were medical).

My fate sealed (or so I thought), I laid there, body limp, with the woman still holding me down. This is when another me appeared and we interacted – the me on the bed and the other me standing to my right. The me standing said something to me and the medical attendant. The attendant saw and heard this other me and was flabbergasted. She said, “Then there are more of you? How many more?!”

The me observing laughed and said, “Yes, but just this one – me.” Then she spoke to me as if we were old friends and the whole situation was just an interesting event and nothing to be concerned about. She said to me, “Relax. You will be okay….” There was more said but the dream gets fuzzy here. I felt what was being conveyed to me. I believe she told me that yes, I would have stroke. Then she told me what to expect and how to handle it.

Messages

I woke up hearing, “Ischemic stroke.” You can imagine my reaction. lol Not only was I the person that was attacked in the dream but I was also the other me passing along the information. I felt like BOTH and the information about the stroke was familiar. It felt like I was being warned.

Some background on this: When I first began taking BC again, I did some research because previously BC had given me crazy, scary migraines, the kind where when I tried to talk, gibberish came out of my mouth (yeah scary). I was concerned for my health but research indicated it was unlikely I would have any issues so I opted to try the BC for a short period of time and then go off it if I didn’t notice any difference in my acne and menstrual cycle (PMS, length, etc).

Well, besides migraines, one of the other risks of taking BC at my age (older than 37) is blood clots – ischemic stroke. Yeah. Ha! So of course I thought I had made up this dream even though I have not thought of the side-effects of BC in months.

As soon as this thought crossed my mind I heard a voice very loudly say, “Dayna!” Only the name used was my legal name. It was a deep, masculine voice that seemed to come from under my right ear which was resting against my pillow.

I mentally yelled back, “Don’t do that!” lol

The dream and all that went with it was surging through my mind like a river, it was impossible to stop it. It was like my brain was on rewind over and over. Somehow, though, I must have fallen into the in-between or maybe I was just tuned in because I kept getting flashes of images and messages. I didn’t feel out of control or worried but just flowed with it. I am so use to this kinda thing now.

The gaps in my dream memory were filling in. I don’t know if it was with actual dream images/memory or additional information. For example, I saw a plant with very orange flowers on it. The flowers were about an inch wide with tiny petals. When I saw it I thought “second chakra”.

I kept being reminded of October, 2017. The month would be written in my vision. I don’t know why exactly but the date kept repeating. I believe that is when I started taking antibiotics.

I also heard again, “Don’t give up.”

Along with all that was going through my mind I heard another song, just a tiny piece of it: “…….It’s a long time coming.”

 

I don’t really know the song but have heard it a few times. When I listen and watch this video, though, I can’t help but think the message has to do with me going Home. The “Home at last” part in this video gave me a physical reaction.

Of course I had to research ischemic strokes because I really don’t know much about them. While I was Googling for more information I remember wondering this morning if it was possible that my heart palpitations could be related to stroke. The first site I visited produce this little tidbit of information:

A second important cause of embolism is an irregular heartbeat, known as atrial fibrillation. It creates conditions where clots can form in the heart, dislodge and travel to the brain.

Right. Okay. So what do I do with this information? Freak out and stop taking BC? Go to the doctor and run tests and freak out some more?

Nope. I continue as I am. Why? Because I don’t care if I have a stroke which means I won’t have one. And if I do have one, so what.

I know, I’m crazy to not care, but I’ve been asking to go Home for….ever? I’ve never gotten what I’ve asked for. Why would that happen now? Nah, I am doomed to continue living and experiencing until I actually LOVE life. That’s when I’ll go Home. Isn’t that how it always happens? When you want out, you stay. When you want to stay, you get out. lol

Still, I prefer not to have traumatic-like dreams (I wasn’t really scared so won’t call it a nightmare) and then wake to “ischemic stroke” and someone yelling my name.

Edit: Ugh! Just realized if I had been continuing the 12 days of dreams in January prediction thingamajig then this dream would correspond to October, 2018. Thus, the image of “October” I kept getting flashing through my head. Duh.

Also, I just remembered that I also got a message letting me know I had plenty of time still. Can’t recall the actually wording but I think it was, “Still time” or “There’s time”.

 

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January 8 Dream & Decision

The month of August is usually an uneventful month in terms of spiritual experiences. Based upon my dreams last night, August 2018 looks like it will be no different.

Early in the night I had several false awakenings. Each time I would wake up in my room to find everything was in the wrong place or there were barriers to my movement. I often felt confused and disoriented and this would eventually wake me up for real. The false awakenings felt entirely real and when I woke up in my body I would be so tired I would pass out again right into another false awakening. The main confusion about the false awakenings was my inability to determine direction. It was as if my internal compass needed recalibration.

Dream: Out of Place

I found myself sitting in a classroom (life lessons). Every other student in the classroom was male and significantly younger than me. They were whispering and staring at me, giving me looks that suggested they felt threatened by my being there. I ignored them and focused on listening to music and passing the time. I recall seeing a screen in front of me that had images that went along with music (indicates a message is coming about my life). Some of the music was upbeat and unfamiliar. I remember another student looking at me and I made a comment about the music. He ignored me and turned away.

At one point a song came on that I knew well. I sang along, singing every word and thoroughly enjoying myself. It was a song I use to sing years ago. My ex-husband said it was “our song”, though I never identified with it as such. This is the song:

The singing of this song is one of the most vivid parts of the dream, especially the line, “Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain but I’d of had to miss the dance.”

The symbolism here suggests a message was coming through. In the dream I recognized the message to be that it is better to not know what is to come; to let life surprise me. Otherwise I may miss out on some of the best moments. I felt grateful for “the dance” I got to dance even if it was short and brought me pain.

After the song the teacher dismissed the class. When I looked up everyone had left and I was sitting all alone in the room. The teacher was looking at me and I said to her, “I guess they were in a hurry.” The whole time there was a sense that no one liked me or wanted me there, almost as if I were an intruder. There was an inner voice/Knowing that kept saying, “It doesn’t matter, focus on what feels right.” The Knowing kept me from caring what the others felt and thought of me. It existed beside the part of me that did care what others thought but was strong enough to override the concerns.

This part of the dream is indicating that I have learned to listen to my heart/HS and ignore the self-doubt and need for acceptance that stems from my Ego.

I felt a bit drugged (not wanting to confront something) and out of it as I walked down the hallway to my next class. Only I had no idea what my next class was. I went into a Science class and looked out over the desks and seated students. Everyone looked up at me and then went back to their business. I didn’t recognize the room. The desk layout seemed wrong and I couldn’t find my desk. Not know what to do, I stood at the back for a while holding my things. Some students looked at me and whispered. Some gave me irritated looks. I again felt to be out of place but I couldn’t remember where I was suppose to be.

I went to the front of the room and opened a door behind the teacher’s desk. There was a wall behind it. I felt silly and embarrassed for opening a false door (relates to a false path in waking life). The students’ eyes felt to be piecing my back. I went to another door and looked out of it at another class down the hall. Was I suppose to be in math class? I didn’t know (unsure of my path).

I turned around, took a vacant seat and opened my computer. Everyone in class had their computers open and we were all playing the same video (following the crowd/blending in). My computer (lack of individuality) was not functioning correctly and I eventually closed it. I remember the teacher commenting on my glasses. I looked at them and there was a huge crack (impaired vision) in the left (subconscious/ repressed emotions and thoughts) lens. I took it off and made an excuse, saying I knew about the crack. I mentioned that I could just wear my contacts and then said it would be better to wear my old glasses because the prescription in my right eye (conscious reality) had changed. I put on the cracked glasses and said that they were okay for the time being because the crack was below my line of sight (choosing to ignore subconscious).

The scene shifted and I was in a park outside the school with two others. One was setting up their laptop with a huge antenna (communication with surroundings). They were whispering about being within a mile of school to remain undetected. There was someone tracking them/us.

When the computer was connecting both students vanished, leaving me there alone. I remember taking control of the computer with my mind and disconnecting it from the wireless network. I knew I had to do it quickly before the signal was detected.

Image result for image of dumpster

When I finished the students suddenly reappeared. I handed the laptop to the owner and said, “We need to get out of here, fast. They will be here any minute.” I took off in a different direction then the two students.

I ran behind a dumpster (trying to rid self of negative habits) and saw a suspicious car pull up in the street. A man holding an machine gun (need to keep my temper in check) climbed out. Then a woman climbed out behind him. I jumped into the dumpster, hiding under the lid and some large cardboard.

Suddenly there were people around the dumpster, so close I could see the details of their faces. No one saw me, though, and eventually they left. At one point I heard noise again and some little kids were pointing at me. Knowing I was safe I climbed out and went with the kids into the school.

Inside we were regrouping and a line of kids and parents came to the door for food. A man requested graham crackers (caring for others before self) for his little boy. There were none and as he turned away I pulled one out of my bag and gave it to him. He was grateful.

I went into a classroom (life lessons), only this time I felt to belong. There was a tall guy sitting at a cluster of computers. Behind him were temporary, black walls to block the view to his screens. I sat down next to him and grabbed his hand. I said to him, “Thank you for helping me.” We held hands for a long time. I remember feeling his hand as if we were in the physical. I looked at him and did not recognize him. He was very tall and thin, sort of nerdy with glasses and a prominent nose. I felt relieved sitting there with him; safe.

Considerations and Decisions

When I woke up the first thing I remembered was the song I sang and it’s message. I was reminded that without risk of pain one forgoes the potential for the positive experiences. Like the song says, life is better left to chance. We can avoid the pain but then we would miss all the joy and experience of the “dance”.

I felt that it was time to stop documenting my dreams for 2018 in an attempt to discover what the year may hold. Trying to look ahead is probably not good for me. Already I am feeling like 2018 is not going to be a good year. It may even be a painful year. This creates a resistance to what lies ahead and could keep me from enjoying the many possibilities to “dance”.

My thoughts went to the song and how my ex always said it was “our song”. I never felt this to be true yet in the end, for him anyway, the song was fitting. I said goodbye and broke his heart. Had he known what the future held for us, would he have even gotten involved with me? Probably not, but who knows. I knew and I still did. So in my case, even knowing my own future doesn’t seem to keep me from following a particular path.

I couldn’t help but think of the intense heart connection I experienced and how it changed me. I again questioned it, asking, “WHY!???”, because it still confuses the heck out of me. How can something feel so absolutely right yet end up hurting so much? The song rings true for that experience. Had I known the final outcome I would have avoided taking that path. But then I would never have had the amazing experiences that went with it. I should feel grateful for the experience regardless, to have been touched by something so rare is a blessing. But I still struggle to see it that way. I still struggle. Still. Ugh.

As I lingered in bed I heard from my guides, “You will love again.” I said, “I don’t want to.” They responded with, “Yes you do.” I couldn’t argue. They are right. I do long to love like that again but it scares the crap out of me because to love that much means to open myself up to more debilitating pain. But then that is the point of living in this physical reality where duality rules. That is why it is so exhilarating.

So, no more documenting of dreams for the purpose of seeing into 2018. I am sure it will be an interesting year of up’s and down’s, just like every other year. And who knows, maybe I will be pleasantly surprised or even be blown away? Yes, please.

 

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January 7 Dreams & Message

I watched the movie 10,000 BC last night. Interestingly, there was a scene in it that reminded me very much of one of my dreams yesterday – the dream where I was walking in very tall grass and saw a vision of gnats on a “bird-like jawline”.

Here is a clip of the scene:

The grass in my dream was exactly the same. The bird I saw was not a giant, man-eating bird, only the underside where the beak meets the neck, but seeing this scene made me wonder. I had begun the film the night of the dream but paused it. Maybe I was somehow anticipating the rest of the movie? Very strange! No doubt I wouldn’t linger in that tall grass if I knew huge, man-eating birds were waiting when I did! lol

Not a bad movie, BTW. I would give it 3.5 stars. It kept my interest but was a bit unrealistic. Not sure Egypt was building the Sphinx in 10,000 BC but who knows. I thought it cool, though, that the movie suggested the Pharaohs came from the stars. I also enjoyed the scenes with the prehistoric animals (like the one above).

Dream: Post-Apocalypse

This was a very detailed dream about life post-apocalypse. Some kind of virus had wiped out most of the human population. There was anarchy and bands of people were gathering together to try and survive. It reminded me a lot of the Walking Dead in the way that the people were fighting for control over the remaining resources.  And no, I haven’t been watching the Walking Dead lately. lol

There was a part of the dream that is blurry now where the man in charge, very much like Neegan in TWD, was being very cruel and sadistic. It was very sexual at times. He was insisting that someone have sex with an overly small, hollow, white tube. I recall seeing him put his penis into the tube, sheering off the skin (sorry guys).

This man later asked me about repairing a water treatment facility. Could it be done? Then he asked how to get the water to the group. I suggested we move our group to the facility rather than transport the water. He agreed and we moved the group.

When we arrived, the facility was an abandoned water park. The dead bodies had long decayed away and though the water had been turned off it was functional except for a few stagnant wave pools. I remember many in our group, including me, jumped into a large swimming pool that had only a bit of debris on the bottom.

There was more to the dream – conversations and whole scenes I can’t recall now.

Image result for image of strip pole

Dream: Giving Away My Power

This dream began in a very fancy hotel-like building. The place was crowded from some event taking place. They were all wearing high-end clothing, jewelry, etc. I felt very out of place and kept to myself, standing near the edge of the crowd watching them and thinking them all foolish for their materialism.

I saw a woman I recognized. She was someone I knew in high school. I went up to her and said, “Hi! I can’t believe I am seeing you here.” She was very cordial with me and made some excuse to leave before I got any answers. She was wearing more money on her than the worth of my entire wardrobe of clothes! I could tell she was concerned about appearances and money. She hadn’t changed a bit.

Most of the this part of the dream was of me wandering this huge, glamorous hotel looking for the elevator to get to the lobby and leave. My husband had taken me there for the day and kept vanishing, leaving me to fend off rich, snobbish people who would not stop talking about boring topics. I couldn’t find an exit and was trapped for hours and hours. When I would escape one group of people I would end up cornered by another. It was awful.

At one point I was talking to a couple about my real-life situation because I was tired of avoiding everyone. This is when a woman approached me and told me my husband had agreed to donate $40K. She said he had left his credit card and demanded mine. I stalled as long as I could and finally gave up and handed her my credit card. Only the card had my husband’s name written across it in big, black letters. I knew when I handed it to her that none of the money was mine anyway. It was all his.

Every once in a while my husband would appear only to vanish again but we never seemed to leave. I was so fed up that I decided I would find a way out, leave the hotel, call a cab and get the hell out of there as fast as I could. I had no clue where I would go or how I would pay for anything. I figured I could just use my husband’s money since he seemed to not care how it was spent. LOL

I made it to the lobby only to be cornered by two people. They wouldn’t let me leave and kept trying to keep me there with persuasion saying things like, “Don’t you have a class to take?”

Eventually the dream shifted to my mom’s mailbox. My husband had received mail from the above group. It was in black, sealed envelopes scattered across the road. Some of the mail had been damaged by passing cars. My husband was retrieving the mail and I remember getting on a school bus and leaving the scene. It was odd because the scene didn’t fit but was very vivid.

Then my husband and I were visiting my cousin at her apartment. In real life my cousin is very well off, or well her husband is. He is second in charge of a big company and makes over $350,000/year. My cousin left her job to stay home with her kids and enjoys a very luxurious lifestyle. For example, they have a room in their million dollar house that is called the “Theater” and that is exactly what it is. They also have a room just for wrapping presents.

My cousin’s apartment was in Dallas in the dream and we were there to have dinner. I remember feeling uncomfortable but my husband was his usual, social self, saying all the right things and getting along well with my cousin. Mainly I remember she had high-tech everything and the focus was on material things. I, of course, wanted to get the hell out and kept finding excuses to leave the conversations. One time I even vacuumed a section of her carpet just because I didn’t know what else to do to pass the time.

Eventually I left on a mission. I went downtown to find a strip club. My idea was to see if I could make a couple grand in a night. Never having stripped in my life I felt it would be easy, especially because I had kept my body in good shape. My husband and cousin had come with me and dropped me at a high-end gentleman’s club. My husband did not object and told me he would pick me up later.

I met with a stripper who was dressed modestly. She and I sat at a table and discussed what would happen that night. The place was fairly empty and sophisticated but there was a very obvious stage in the center. I have only been inside a strip club once, but it was a nasty one in Alaska (long story), so I did not know what to expect. Would I just get up on stage and take my clothes off and then men would throw money at me? Could I even do that?

We were soon joined by the club owner. He was a bit sleazy and looked at me with dollar signs in his eyes. He also seemed overly interested in me, especially in what was under my clothing.

The woman explained to me that I would not get money but tickets and that only one of us would get tickets because it was a competition. Whoever won got all the tickets. I said that was unacceptable. I wanted money, not stupid tickets.

The woman laughed at me and I got up to leave. She was not a very attractive woman. She had a buzz cut and was overly thin and lanky – the opposite of what one would think a stripper would look like.

The owner shoved something in my hands saying, “Wait. Stay.” I looked down and he had given me what looked like some kind of fancy pastries that resembled a bunch of flowers. In among the pastry was a bunch of sage (which I assumed was pot but it was obviously sage) and a syringe. I immediately assumed he was bribing me with drugs but it was tempting. I hesitated, thinking of my options.

The woman began to talk to me very matter-of-factly. She said, “You came here because you want sex, right?” She eyed me, like she was looking into my soul. I squirmed a bit under her scrutinizing gaze and became very aware that my hand was in my crotch (lol). I quickly moved my hand and said, “No. I just need the money.” She said, “That’s what they all say.” Then she said, “So you need money, then what? I can tell you have little ones….(she held her hand down low to indicate how little). How long are you going to do this? Until your youngest is older? How old is old enough?” I said, “Just until he is old enough to handle me leaving. Maybe when he is ….. 10 years old? That should be old enough.” But I knew he would never be old enough.

She smiled. The creepy owner smiled. I felt cheap, like a prostitute. I remember thinking it would be easier to just prostitute myself, then I wouldn’t have to go onstage and let so many people look at me naked. But then I realized it was the exact same thing whether I was on stage or not.

There was a couple staring at me from across the room. They stared at me with a mixture of lust and mockery. I felt humiliated.

Image result for image of taxi

Message Received

I woke from this dream gradually, still in conversation with the man and woman in my dream. The cheap, dirty feeling came with me. I remember having all kinds of thoughts during this time. Thoughts relating to how I am selling myself, my power, through the choices I am making in my life. I thought, “I am no different than a prostitute. I give my body and power away in exchange for feeling secure. I rationalize it by saying I want to be with my kids, I don’t want to work, etc. But the reality is that I am afraid and giving up my power allows me to hide. I make attempts to take back my power but they are pathetic. I am owned. I am not my own person anymore.”

It wasn’t those exact words but my thoughts were similar. There was a conversation with my husband recently that kept coming to mind. In it I confronted him on his past explosive and aggressive response to not having access to my body (I’ve been abstinent for 6+ months). He said he felt unloved, etc – the usual stuff. I again said that I felt he (like all men in this society) had a consideration that I was his “property” so when he was not allowed access (sex) then he felt he might lose it/me completely. He finally agreed that there was a consideration like that.

I was not disgusted by his admission. I have always known this. Every man I have ever been with has had this belief whether they are conscious of it or not (most have not been). I am no better in my own beliefs. There is a consideration that I need a man to protect me and provide for me. That without a man to protect me I am vulnerable. The minute I think of being single this consideration says, “But you will be an instant target! Men could easily take what they want from you and you would be too physically weak to do anything about it!”

It is all screwed up. Royally.

Ultimately my guidance was asking me if it was worth it. They asked me what I wanted. When I answered they said, “Take it then.” My response was confusion/fear/panic and, “I don’t know what to do.” lol Because I am looking for a paved path. I am looking for sure things, not the unknown. Right now I have what I need and I rationalize what I do to get it every.single.day.

I shouldn’t be in a relationship if I have these considerations. No one should. Yet that is what most of us do. We jump from one relationship to another and these beliefs/considerations trap us each and every time. For women it is, “I give you access to my body whenever you want and you give me security/protection.” For men it is, “I give you security/protection and you give me access to your body.” In both cases we become possessive of the other. Possessiveness is fear of loss. Period. It is an endless, repetitive cycle that has existed for thousands of years (10,000 BC maybe? lol). Sex shouldn’t be a commodity, yet it is. Women have it, men want it (don’t deny it women….and men).

I’ll admit this dream troubled me. There was a lot of gentle confrontation by my guides. I recognize I have put myself in this situation but it is easier to do nothing, so I do nothing. I know that opportunity is coming. In fact I said to my guides, “Opportunity is coming. I need to take it.” I have no idea what this means but I felt it in my entire Being. I wonder what it is?

 

 

 

 

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January 5 Dream and Message

Before I get into the dream/message I want to relay to you some things that happened yesterday.

At some point mid-day yesterday I received the message “Challenges” out of the blue while reading some random post online. The word was in the background but appeared to “pop” out at me. I tried to shrug it off but there was a strange feeling that followed me the rest of the day seeming to remind me of the message.

For over a week I’ve had strange heart fluttering/palpitations that come and go. Well yesterday the fluttering in my heart was happening more than usual. For example, in about 45 minutes I had at least three incidences. They don’t last long or make me dizzy or anything, but I usually only get them as I am falling asleep. These happened while I was sitting and watching T.V.

The message “challenges” came to mind every time I felt my heart doing weird things. I knew it was likely nothing but that I should go to the doctor just to make sure. I won’t go to a doctor, though, because if it is what my mom has then they will put me on beta-blockers. I won’t take that kind of life-long medication if they prescribe it. Nope. Could health be one one of my challenges this year? Maybe.

My decision made, I still felt the heart flutters on and off until bedtime but ignored them. The feeling hung around like a heavy blanket. It was really irritating and got more intense as the night neared.

I noticed a strange “coincidence” that evening as well. If you read yesterday’s dream post then you know I had discussed my husband being a plumber. It likely was bleed-through from a couple of days ago when I noticed our garbage disposal was leaking. Since my husband was away camping he opted to fix the issue last night. I told him to not replace the disposal (I rarely if ever used it) but put in a regular drain instead. He did this despite him wanting to get a new disposal.

The disposal had leaked water all over the base of the cabinet. The old house owners had put down 2×4’s to repair previous water damage and those boards were completely warped. So, I suggested we replace them. When my husband removed the boards he was greeted with this:

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He said it was a cesspool under the boards. I had actually assumed this based up the poor workmanship of the previous owner. He always half-assed all the repairs and this one was no different. Covering up wet, rotting wood is never a good idea. My husband said it was full of dead and live bugs of all kinds and smelled horrific.

This odd “coincidence” seemed like a message to me. What exactly the message is, I’m not yet sure but it can’t be a positive one. If this has been under our kitchen sink since we moved in we could have been exposed to all sorts of nasty stuff for nearly 4 years. Ahhh!

Dream: Orientation

I know I woke up crying in the middle of the night again, but I don’t know why. There was dream recall at the time and I took a mental note, but the memory did not stick. I remember a suggestion from my guides last Fall about keeping a notebook handy. I should have listened. My dream recall has sucked lately.

The last dream of the night was vivid, though. In it I was walking down familiar school hallways. It was the first public school I had ever worked at and I was walking down memory lane in the dream looking for my old classroom. When I located it I noted it was across the hall from my first boyfriend post divorce. The dream scene was replaced with a raging river scene (ready to confront life’s challenges). It was as if the hallway turned into the river. Then the scene disappeared and I was once again walking the hall and locating my old classroom.

I walked into a classroom that was not my old room. Inside a woman was waiting for me. I recognized her and greeted her warmly, hugging her tightly. I remember her with dark hair but her appearance shifted between a black woman and a white woman. I think I may have been seeing both her appearances – the one she takes in Spirit and the one of her human self.

She mentioned she was now in HR and had only the one job rather than juggling several. She was much happier. I was pleased to hear this. Her job with me was to orient me on my new job. I told her that I was surprised they had chosen me for the position but was happy they had. The position was obviously counselor.

We were interrupted by a group of young girls. They asked me to help them determine whether a test question required a paragraph answer or not. I spent some time going over it with them, explaining how they could decipher questions and feeling I had a good handle on the situation. I recall that the questions were all math (logic) questions and eventually handed them a printout of the steps they needed to follow.

When they left the room me and the woman continued our conversation. I don’t remember the specifics but there is memory of us discussing a decision I had made early in my career. I had opted to stay in a job despite wanting to leave early on. This was/is my tendency because I get bored easily and want to “run” at the first sign of trouble. Thus, early on in my career I jumped from school to school about every 9 months to a year.

The woman congratulated me on staying with the same employer for 8 years. I remember thinking there was a lesson in it that I had learned and repeating that lesson to her. It was something like, “It is easy to run away from your problems, but if you stick it out you are sure to be rewarded for your efforts.” I was proud for sticking it out as long as I had and knew this new opportunity was with the same district I spent those 8 years at. It surprised me that I would take a job so far from my home. Was I really going to commute almost an hour one-way to work every day?

The woman had to go and left me with a number to reach her. She said, “You can reach me anytime at 4392.” I said, “What?” not understanding the 4 digits. She repeated it and then I repeated it to myself.

I walked toward the front office. A blonde woman stopped me and said, “Good to see you back. Will you be available today?” I said, “No but probably tomorrow.” She smiled and walked on. I felt welcomed and this in turned made me feel excited for the future.

As we headed down the hallway I ran into another past acquaintance. I called her name and she turned and smiled. She welcomed me but seemed overly preoccupied and busy. I could tell she was in a hurry. I walked with her down a corridor that headed toward a basement area.

In this basement was a arcade (look back on previous time when you found joy) full of games and kids playing them. I happily joined in as did my coworker. I remember seeing lights flashing on a skee ball type game. I tossed a ball into one of the openings. The lights flashing reminded me of the lights one sees when they hit jackpot (take a chance on life) on a slot machine.

I left and walked toward the office with my coworker. We ran into a tall black man and stopped to talk. I inquired about the other counselor and was told by the man, “She didn’t make it. It was too much for her.” I was sad to hear this news and mentioned that it was a surprise since she had spent 8 years preparing in some military-type training program.

When we got to the office I was awakened by my son who was awake way too early.

Messages from the In-Between

I was able to stay in bed but couldn’t sleep. The dream kept going through my head and messages kept coming in. The number 4392 was repeated to me at one point, waking me up. Another time I was reading the label on a pill bottle. I read aloud, “Sword fight.” With this came the image of a sword and I knew the message was that I needed to fight for what I wanted. This woke me up immediately but I fell back into the in-between quickly. Then I was discussing with someone the return to work and saw the number 56. I saw it as a salary but I am sure it was not that. I also kept seeing a calendar in my head with the month of May lit up.

Finally, the most obvious message was when I heard a masculine voice yell at me. He said, “Get out! I’m telling you, GET OUT!” This woke me straight away.

Since I had been getting so much communication from voices and odd visions I surrounded myself in light and put up protection just in case I was being bothered by Spirit that were not guides.

But the “Get out” message bothered me. Get out of what? My bed? I was reminded of the second memorable audible message I received from Spirit, one that woke me up from deep sleep (the first was “Hold on” when I was in the midst of a car accident). I heard, “GET OUT NOW”, twice. At that point in my life I saw it as a message from God and didn’t hesitate to get out of my situation (left Alaska within a week and eventually left my marriage).

Surely this message was not meant in the same way? Surely I was making it up somehow or Spirit was playing games with me.

But it was so audible. So in my face. Just like the first one. The only difference is I’ve had so many messages in the years since that first one, that they have become “normal”. I had no reaction other than to think immediately someone in Spirit was playing with me and so surround myself in protection. Shows how my experiences have shaped me. Shows how wary I have become over the years.

As I woke the same song was going through my head as yesterday morning, only this time it was, “My love (song says “life”) is brilliant, my love is true. I saw an angel, of that I’m sure….and I can’t wait to see you again….” Though the last part is different than the song lyrics.

I’m not sure what to make of the dream and messages. Is this what is going to happen in May this year? We’ll see I guess.

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Kundalini Dream and Message from my Higher Self

I continue to experience energetic shifts here and there and my dream recall has been phenomenal. My guides are making themselves known toward the evening hours, throughout my dreams and during the in-between state. Currently I have at least two guides entering my energy field – one male and the other female. I do not have names and don’t care to know. They tend to not care either but sometimes they will give me a name. Until one does they will just be “guides” and part of my “Team”.

Kundalini Dream

The Kundalini is stirring a bit as well. In a dream last night I was sitting alongside a plain looking man with light hair who was a bit pudgy. He reminded me of my ex-husband in some ways. We were discussing fishing and planning a trip together. I was interested in him and he in me but when I attempted to get closer he withdrew and completely put up his guard.

He left and I sat alone until a woman approached. She was tall and thin with dark hair and eyes. She introduced herself as the man’s wife and I immediately understood why he withdrew and said, “Ah! I get it now! If I were in his shoes I would have turned and walked away from me immediately upon recognizing the intensity of our connection.” Someone warned me of the man’s wife, though, saying, “Be careful of that one.” They explained that the two were married only because they felt they had to be, not because they were in love and the woman was very manipulative. I wasn’t concerned, though, and began to talk with her very openly about various subjects. We got along beautifully.

One thing I noticed was she did not shave her legs. I asked her a question about it and we began to compare our unshaved legs. lol Somehow our closeness shifted into curiosity, her being obviously more experienced with women than I. Eventually I followed her into a bedroom and closed the door, only I found myself standing on the outside of the door rather than inside.

As I waited my root chakra activated and exploded with such intensity that it woke me up. When I woke the energy was still swirling and rising upward. What is odd is the way it made my physical body feel. It was like every nerve ending in my skin was super sensitive. No one was physically touching me, yet it felt like I was being touched and every touch caused an explosion of ecstasy that then radiated across my entire body. I have never taken the drug known as Ecstasy but I imagine that it would make me feel the way the Kundalini was making me feel in those moments. Wow.

Message from my Higher Self

My suddenly sensitive skin was awesome and I lingered in a relaxed state enjoying the feeling of it. During this time my male guide was talking to me. I can’t recall the specifics or our conversation now but I do remember Knowing that he was part of Me and associating him with my Higher Self. In my memory is an image of me going “up” and into him but he was very large, taking up the entirety of my visual field. Part of the message was that I was to rejoin him soon and when I did I would be “changed”. Again it was the “there’s no turning back” message. I remember him asking if I was ready and I eagerly said that I was. Of course I was feeling very good at the time so I was ready for more! lol However, he warned me that with pleasure comes pain. One does not exist without the other. He explained that they are and have always been the same feeling. There is no difference. I understood with full Knowing what he said because from his perspective the sensation of pain and pleasure are one and the same. From mine they are separate. He used the example of orgasm to try and explain the pain/pleasure phenomena but I became more aware of what was being said and my human mind muddled my understanding.

Though most of what was said is lost to me now I do recall asking my guide to keep me from waking up when the Kundalini begins to rise. I feel like my waking up interrupts the movement of energy and has kept me from a full-on rise. He explained that I will eventually be capable of ignoring the pleasurable sensation. I could not see how that was possible but then understood that it was likely I would become desensitized to it if I experience it enough. In fact, I have already lost my craving for it, which is a good sign.

Other Dreams

When I returned to sleep I found myself in various dreams, some more lucid than others. In one of my semi-lucid dreams I was invisible (withdrawing from life) to the people around me. I took full advantage of this and played pranks on them over and over again. For example, I moved objects or made noises to get their attention, but since they couldn’t see me they would get a bit paranoid. lol It was a fun dream and reminds me of some of my early OBEs when I would be invisible and sneak about spying on different people.

In yet another dream I was at an amusement park (relaxation, enjoyment of life) but it was vast, spreading over acres and acres of land interconnected by vast highways (life direction) with multiple lanes all flowing in the same direction. I flew/drove swiftly on the highway along with so many other people that it more crowded than I would like. Everything was good until I got to a portion of the path where the people on the “ride” had to swim in the cold Pacific ocean (subconscious, emotion). I could see the seaweed (rely on intuition and instinct) as I got close to the water. I hesitated because I knew getting into the water would mean my phone (communication) would get wet and likely be unusable. I watched the person in front of me jump in clothes and all and was shocked that it was a part of the “ride”. When did the park turn into a water park? I said aloud, “I can’t go into the water like that. I won’t. It will ruin my new Iphone.” A man in the water turned back and looked at me and said, “No it won’t. You won’t be in the water long enough to break it and it will work when it dries out. Mine did.” I didn’t believe him and turned back. I was not going to risk it and didn’t want to get in the cold water anyway.

When I turned around so did some others and eventually I found myself at a standstill because there were so many people in the line (need patience). People were getting refunds and I saw their names appear on a screen as their cards were reimbursed. I was still third in line when the ticket agent said my husband’s name. I questioned him saying, “Did you just say _______?” He said, “Yeah. I have the check right here.” I looked and sure enough there was a check (feeling indebted to my husband) signed with my husband’s name.

Strange Message

I woke fairly early and lingered in bed a while falling in and out of the in-between. At one point I was awakened by a strange message and vision. I saw what looked like an oval plane of indeterminable material. It was moving as if alive across my visual field. With it I heard, “Kawanda Plate. 35 million parasitic Beings.” The strangeness of the message prompted me to get up and write it down. Then I could not go back to sleep.

There is a place called Kawanda in Uganda. I could not find anything about a “Plate” or 35 million parasites much less them being “Beings”. I suspect it is just some strange information I brought back with me from an astral world or other dimension. Who knows but it is odd.

 

 

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Message: Goodbye

Yesterday I got my permanent crown. It was a simple procedure that didn’t require numbing but I asked for it anyway just in case. Not sure if it was the Novocaine or what but afterward I got really tired. So tired that ended up dozing off a little later on in the day. I am not one to take naps so for me to doze off mid-afternoon is unusual, especially being I was not in my own home at the time!

Throughout the nap I had conversations and felt to be somewhere else. I remember telling someone something about it being the “end” more than once but the context of it is lost to me now. I only remember it startled me awake.

Dream: Biting Baby

I had a busy night full of dreams. This has been the norm for over a week now and though I have posted some of them here, most never get mentioned. There have been some dream symbols repeating themselves : helicopters, dogs, and water to name a few.

One particular dream woke me in tears in the middle of the night last night. It began quite spectacularly. I was with a man and we were riding some kind of unearthly animal. I never saw the animal but if I had to give it a name it would be a landstrider like from the Dark Crystal. It was very rabbit-like and could move swiftly but it also was very, very tall. So tall that me and my friend were miles above the earth. I was thrilled.

The next thing I recall is seeing this little baby (something about self that is vulnerable and pure). It had been neglected or something because it would try and bite (childishness, anger) everyone viciously. Eventually it had to be handed over to a dark skinned young man I called, “Derrick”. The young man took the baby in his arms, it bit him and he ignored it, kissing it over and over again and cradling it to him. I said, “Thank you, Derrick” and turned and walked away. I became very distraught and began to sob. It felt like the baby hated me. I continued to cry so hard that it woke me up.

Dream: Give Them a Chance

In this dream I was with a group walking through a mall/outlet store (choices and options in life) that was near empty. We entered into a store and there was food set out. I remember talking with family about Christmas presents. Certain family members and friends still don’t have gifts and I am not sure what to get them. I tend to leave the gift buying to my husband but he has yet to buy them gifts.

At one point there was a buffet (a relationship is consuming too much of my energy) of food – hummus, crackers (caring for needs of others over my own), cheeses and such. As I began to fill my plate someone said something to me who was friends with my husband and in-laws. I was very abrupt with him, much more than I would normally be to the point of meanness. At the time there was another woman there who pulled me to the side. While she was talking to me I saw a very old chalkboard (there is a lesson to be learned from this dream) that was an antique and very special. She asked me to consider something. She said, “Since you have to spend so much time with ‘these people’ (as in the group of friends of my husband/in-laws), don’t you think you should give them a chance?” I paused and considered what she was saying. In the dream it was like time stopped at this point and a huge spotlight (feeling overlooked in life) was shining on me.

chalkboard

Dream: Haunted School

I was walking the halls of a mansion (my greatest potential/growth) that was also a religious school (lessons). Inside were many young children (youth, playfulness, potential). I remember going into a room and helping with a geography (travel/movement) class at one point but I did not work there.

I felt very tired (not wanting to acknowledge something) throughout the dream and kept finding places to sleep. There were beds situated everywhere it seemed and I crawled into one that was occupied by a young boy with special needs. Odd things kept happening, though, like toys being moved and water flooding areas where there had not been water before.

I moved to another room to find some peace and quiet and got into bed (bed, peace and quiet, rest). While there I was awakened by a presence. Realizing it had to be a ghost (something is no longer attainable) I began to speak some kind of warding spell or something. I saw a crib (nurturing side) in the corner of the room and noticed an arm (nurturing ability) with no body. Whatever I said made it go away. It was at this point in the dream that I was certain the school was haunted (unfinished emotional business).

Opting to leave the room I headed down the hallway and in a corner sitting in a rocking chair (ease, comfort, relaxation) was a haggard old woman (inner feminine, wisdom). She had glowing eyes and gray, wispy hair. She pointed her finger at me and her face lit up in a grotesque smile. Unafraid I went straight up to her and said some words and put my hand up as if to ward her off. I can’t recall what happened next but there was no fear from the dream.

Dream Snippets and Messages

Several mini-dreams interwoven into the other dreams.

In one I was sitting in the back seat of a car. It was night and in the front seat were two very large Mexican men speaking Spanish. They felt like bodyguards to me and I was listening intently to what they were saying. I interrupted the man driving and repeated back to him the English translation of what he said. I can’t remember it now but I was excited that I understood every word he said. We talked a while in English and Spanish, practicing our languages on one another.

I was in a room in a high-rise. Behind me in the window I saw a big, black helicopter hovering. It felt ominous, like it was after me. Feeling stalked by a helicopter means I feel I am pursuing other peoples’ goals rather than my own.

In yet another snippet I was in a gym (applying lessons learned) and the weights I was using fell apart (something not going as planned). Then I was seeking out my sister’s Jeep (be more active in life) and it began to drive itself. I got control of it and then walked my bird (goals, aspirations, hopes) to where my sister was. The bird was on a leash (restricted) and tired itself out to the point of exhaustion. When I took it to a shallow fountain to refresh itself it morphed into a very tiny, Chihuahua (insecurity).

There was a comic book text bubble that formed in my vision. It said in large, comic book text: GOODBYE. This particular snippet was after the haunted school dream.

In another vision I saw a chain with seven links and was asked if I was ready to end this life. I replied that I was but I knew it was unlikely that “end” meant what I wanted it to.

Finally, I saw myself going up a hidden staircase (higher levels of understanding) to a room in the attic (connection to my Higher Self). I had locked a dog (protection) inside the room. I told whoever I was with that no one could use the stairs but me, only I had the key (access) to go up. However, my husband (masculine aspect) could use the stairs to leave and go down.

Considerations

I’ve been having a strange feeling for several days now. It is a familiar feeling like something is about to happen; anticipatory. I keep finding myself focusing on Spirit to receive a message but never consciously receive anything. It’s like someone is saying, “Heads up!”

My dreams indicate an ending is approaching but what kind of ending is hard to say. There was a feeling this morning while I was in the in-between receiving all the odd messages and dream snippets that my healing period or whatever I have been going through is coming to an end. I am being “released” from treatment. It felt like I had been checked into a mental hospital and got my release papers. In fact, I have a vague memory of actually talking to a woman and getting my discharge papers but cannot place it as a dream or even an experience.

I’m not sure what the “Goodbye” was all about but it is the most vivid memory of the night. Goodbye could be confirmation that my healing guides/bodyguards are departing and leaving me to my path. As always the feeling is one of finality, like I will die any minute. Since I’ve had this feeling so many times now I know it is unlikely that my physical death is on the horizon.

 

 

 

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Dreams, Family and Another…. ReUnion?

Wow. Busy night. And the first thing I saw this morning was this article about the new moon in Sagittarius being conjunct the Galactic Center. Apparently Saturn has been in a 2.5 year cycle that is coming to an end. Just so happens that my spiritual journey has been incredibly intense over the last 2.5 years. Yeah, yeah, I know have been commenting that I don’t believe spiritual this and that (astrology for one) is contributing to my experiences. Well, I will suck it up and say that I typically pay attention to astrology regardless of how grumpy I am about my current situation.

My night was an endless stream of dreams delving into some deep shit. I woke more than once in tears. One time I was sobbing to the point of heaving and I couldn’t breathe.

Dream: Keeping Myself Prisoner

This was the first dream of the night and I only recall the very last parts of it. It took place on a boat/ship and I recall walking on board the ship across a bridge-type structure. I was with another woman and my husband, the latter I never saw. The ship must have been a cruise ship or similar because we had a cabin. I took the woman to a cabin. She was very distraught and pleading with me as I locked her inside. She was telling me, “Don’t lock me in here! I can’t live apart from him (my husband)! Please! I beg you! It WILL KILL ME!” I ignored her pleas telling her that I knew very well how much she and my husband loved one another and I was going to make sure he never, ever saw her again. I then walked away. I could hear her cries as I woke from the dream.

The thing is that while in the dream I could feel this woman’s pain as if it were my own but I was cold and unfeeling toward her and her plight. I saw her as a hindrance to me. The feeling of heartache, as if the separation would literally kill me, was the strongest. It was an all-over-body feeling that cut to the core of me. Yet somehow I blocked it and hardened myself to her. The whole time I knew this woman was a part of me, a part I saw as weak and easily manipulated/controlled because of her emotional vulnerability. I envied her connection to my husband and because I did not understand it and could not have it for myself I kept them apart.

pondDream: Preparing for an Event

This dream took up most of the night. It began with me borrowing a car to run an errand. I was in an unfamiliar town and the car was very big and souped up. As I drove the car would shift up and down as if it were dancing. It was embarrassing to me but I continued toward the lake which was my destination.

When I arrived there were children (repressed desires/unfulfilled hopes) there who were begging me to give them money (success, progress) for their services. It reminded me of when I visited Honduras. I ignored the kids and went toward the lake and found the water completely covered in green algae (need to keep emotion out of some matter). I could not see below it’s surface (something hidden). As I went to leave I noticed a small area with many strange fish. I was going to catch some in a net to look closer but one jumped out at me. It looked like a catfish (someone who may not be who they appear to be) with a very tiny mouth. It repulsed me and I fell. As I scrambled to get up a large German Shepherd came at me growling and intending me harm (need to put my guard back up). I scrambled away quickly and was asked again by a kid for money. I reached into my pocket and found a chunk of wet dollar bills (attitude toward love and emotion) and handed them to him. He said they would not do because they had been ruined by the water (emotion).

Then I was inside my apartment and my brother was visiting. There were other woman with me. We were all friends. My brother was helping us and being very nice, offering to do things for us. At one point I discovered he liked a girl but wouldn’t call her so I offered to call her for him. He refused and became very withdrawn. I wondered how he could be so helpful but not accept any help from others. I decided not to help him and went to my bedroom. Inside I saw that someone else had been sleeping in the room. It appeared to be my dad because his stuff was near the bed. I saw ear plugs and figured he must have trouble sleeping like me. I also saw important papers and was curious so I looked through his things wanting to know more about him. It appeared he traveled quite a bit.

Then a woman came in with some things telling me she was there to help me get ready. She had a petticoat (modesty/conservative) and a dress for me to wear to some event. My dad would be there. I remember putting on a petticoat and corset (want to please others) and thinking the dress must be very fancy and the event an important one. I never did figure out what the event was but I kept thinking about my dad and how much I missed him.

Dream: I’ll Be Home for Christmas

I was part of a small church (things one holds sacred). We were going to sing for a church in need, one on the other side of town. I took the car and drove to the church. I had with me some children (aspect of self) and everyone had gotten the stomach flu and was struggling with awful diarrhea (emotional purging). I had the sick ones stay in the car and then went inside to sing with the choir.

I got in my place up front and began to sing with the group. I recognized some of the members – my mom and uncle to name two. We were singing, “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”. I didn’t remember the words but sang what I remembered. I sang the whole song and noticed others didn’t remember the words at certain times.

When the song was over I mentioned the quiet parts to my mom. She said it was because there wasn’t a good soprano to take the lead (which is usually what I do). Then she said that if her brother had been there he would have led them.

As soon as she said that my uncle came up to us both and apologized for something he had done earlier. He had forbidden the sick kids in my car from coming into the church. He told us he was wrong and hugged my mom. I was relieved and proud of him for admitting his wrong. As we walked out of the church I went up to my uncle and hugged him. I told him, “I wish Grandaddy was here. I miss him!” He said, “Me, too.” He hugged me back and I clung to him and began to sob uncontrollably. I missed my grandfather so much and I couldn’t control my grief. I cried in the dream for a long time before I finally woke up.

I continued to cry for a while after I woke. I mostly missed my grandfather but there was more to it. I saw family patterns that are still playing out. I remembered how before my grandfather died he and his son, my uncle, had been at odds and had a strained relationship. My uncle had made amends toward the end of my grandfather’s life. He visited and did much for both his parents before they died. I kept hearing in my mind, “You did good” and I knew this was a message to my uncle. I may send him an email about my dream and pass on the message.

Dream: Family Therapy

In this dream I had been asleep in my apartment and woke up very drowsy. The clock said it was 2:30 and I knew it was mid-afternoon. How I had slept so much I didn’t know but I must have needed it.

I wandered into the neighbor’s apartment. He was a single, middle aged man. He asked me if I could help him figure out why his sugar (pleasures being denied) was missing. We talked about possible reasons from rats in his kitchen to him letting someone borrow some sugar. Then we walked into his living area. I remember that I have never been there before and mentioned how nice his place was. The whole time I was feeling tired, like I had slept way too long and could not fully wake up.

Then I was at a family meeting. Everyone in my family was sitting at a long table. At the head of the table was a therapist (seeking support). We were there to sort out our problems with one another, to listen without judgement and to get our chance to say what was on our minds. I remember sitting toward the end and feeling out of it, still tired.

The feeling in the room was tense. It seemed like everyone was afraid to say how they really felt. I don’t recall anyone saying anything and then a break being called. During the break I spoke to the counselor telling her that I thought if just one of us spoke up that it would break the ice and more would be accomplished. She told me she was just there to facilitate; she would not try and get anyone to talk. I told her about the church dream and how I thought I should tell my uncle about it. She seemed to think it would be a good idea but refused to say more. She was to leave soon and a new counselor would come in and help.

As we sat back down, I sat next to my sister and BIL (cousin). My cousin was  closest to me. He looked like he did when he was 19. I told him he looked good. He barely acknowledged me. I remember that there was strain between my cousin and his dad (my uncle). It was the same kind of strain that my uncle had had with his own father (my grandfather). I saw the cycle repeating and wondered if they did, too. I began to speak out, asking them if they saw what I saw and trying to get them to do something about it. All I wanted was for them to ask themselves these questions: When you die, what will you remember from your life? Will you remember all the wrongs done to you? All the grudges you held? All the things others did to keep you from getting this or that in life? Or will you remember how you treated others? How you showed love and shared love with those around you?

Considerations

I have been in the process of writing this post all day (it is 2pm now). My motivation to finish it is low but I know there is a reason for all the emotional dreams last night. At first I thought it meant I needed to email my mom, uncle and sister but now I’m not so sure. It seems that I must focus on my immediate situation and make changes there first before I move on and reach out to others.

The questions I had in my mind about life and what one would care about upon death are what linger even now. This is not the first time I have had questions like these come up.

The song, I’ll Be Home for Christmas was repeating in my head for a while. I believe there is a message in it. For the last two years straight I have had significant spiritual experiences/breakthroughs in the month of December. It may even have been three now that I think of it but specifically the last two have been doozies. When I looked up the lyrics to the song I found very few but in the dream I sang at least three full verses and none of the verses were familiar but seemed to focus on life itself and family values.

The specific part of the song that stuck out was “if only in my dreams”. It seemed like I was being told I would go Home in my dreams or that there would be…..wait for it…LOL…..a family (Spirit) reUnion. Ha! Okay if you don’t get my humor here then go and look at December, 2015’s posts from this blog.

Two years of the reUnion theme is enough for me so I am not getting hopeful (if anything the opposite) or preparing myself for some big bang type of spiritual breakthrough again. However, to have both father figures make an entrance (kind of) in my dreams last night make me wonder what this December has to hold. I admit I’m curious but not going to allow myself to dwell on it too much.

I loved my dad…. and my grandfather even more. To see either of them again in dreamtime would be wonderful. It has been a long time since I’ve had a visit. I think the last time I connected with my grandfather he visited me in his new visage for his current lifetime and updated me on his plans. That was not too long ago and it was eye opening. I believe that my middle son is my dad so he is around me all the time. 🙂

Updates

A quick update on others things. My acne issue is almost completely resolved. YAY! Happy dance! It literally took 3 days for the antibiotics to do their job. I also got a new cream – Tazorac – that is a miracle cream if you ask me. I have been on a Retin-A generic for years but my dermatologist thought it was time for a switch. She hit the bullseye. My skin went from red dots and bumps to no red dots and super, velvety smooth after just two nights of application. Frickin’ amazing! Apparently it is a psoriasis medication first and foremost but I don’t care. If it works then I am happy.

The antibiotics are not my friend, though. I hate the way they make me feel and my body wreaks of stinky antibiotic smell. Just recently I have started having mild UTI-type symptoms which doesn’t make sense since I am taking the antibiotic doctors usually prescribe to clear up UTIs! Thankfully, since they are doing such a good job, I will taper as soon as all evidence of this breakout is gone, which will be very, very soon.

The BC is still a pain in my ass, though. After continuing to experience an icky tummy after certain foods followed by too much burping I realized the higher hormones are giving me my all-time most hated pregnancy symptom – acid reflux/indigestion. UGH x 1000! Will this go away after a couple of months of use? I have no idea but I plan on sticking it out for at least two more months to see. In the meantime I get to enjoy burping for an hour or more after every meal. It could be worse, I could have full-on acid reflux, the kind that burns like hell. I don’t get that, though, just burping. lol

The BC has given me back my boobs. Not sure if that is a good thing or not but for now I will say it is good. 😀

Family-wise there is still no contact from my older sister. She speaks to my brother who then PMs me on FB. She apparently wants me to apologize to her for lying about my drug use. She says I currently smoke pot. I haven’t touched any recreational drugs since 2007 so I don’t know why she thinks I am secretly smoking weed. I can’t apologize for something I didn’t do. Sigh. So now both my sisters won’t talk to me for random, made-up reasons. Weird.

Hopefully by Christmas there will be some kind of resolution and my sister and BIL/cousin will participate in family gatherings. If not I know my mom will be very sad.  Personally, I will mainly be sad for my mom because, as a mother, I know how important it is to be with/see/connect with your children. 😦 I can’t imagine being close to 70 and not seeing two of my three daughters and one of my grandchildren around the holidays. That is just not right.

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Remember Me

 

Again I had another post partially written – twice – and it never felt right to post. It felt empty, pointless, directionless….just like me right now.

This morning I had several lucid dreams and attempted to shift OOB with no success. I suspect I was already OOB which is why the exits were unsuccessful.

Prior to this, I had awakened at around 7am and heard someone say to me, “You know you’ve been OOB?” I dismissed it as a dream conversation fragment, got up, took my wonderful antibiotic (have to take on empty stomach 30 minutes before a meal) and went back to sleep even though I had just intended to meditate.

Image result for image of citrine in shape of arrow head

OBEs/Lucid Travels

My travels took me to several places. The first was my grandparent’s living room where I was with my sister and BIL. I can’t recall why I was there but we were talking about building a chicken (cowardliness) coop that would be shared by us and the neighbors. I had memories that were not associated with this lifetime but with some other life or place. For example, my grandparent’s house was not located where it is in this life, but was in a subdivision. I believe what I was remembering were my astral memories, but I can’t be sure.

Then I shifted into a crystal shop. I was standing in front of a dark haired woman who I recalled was a friend. In fact, I again had memories not at all related to this lifetime. In front of me were laid out many various crystal fragments. I knew I was selecting one for a friend and picked up a large, arrowhead shaped piece of Citrine. The woman told me it was a good one and I kept it, intending to make a necklace with it. She asked me for advice. “Where should I move to?” I told her, “I think Montana.” She said, “Ah yes, I have been there. It is beautiful!” I said, “Yes, I use to live there, but…..I think it would not be ideal for your business. Perhaps Seattle would be better?” I then wandered over to a window and selected a black cord for the necklace I was making for my friend. I put the Citrine on it as I began to mull over memories of my friend.

My physical self heard sounds coming from my bedroom at this time. I knew they were sounds off and so ignored them but it brought me back to my sleeping body temporarily. I could feel my energy shift. It is like I settled down into my body but the two energies never completely merged. It was jumpy and sporadic but enough for me to register that I could go OOB. When I tried, though, the energy would not allow it and I must have drifted off again.

I soon found myself in my grandparent’s house again, this time in the kitchen. Standing in front of me was my friend. I could see him clear as day. He was telling me something rather random and smiling, very at ease. I stared at him for a bit, shocked that he was standing there right in front of me. I had in my hand the Citrine necklace I made for him. I handed it to him, telling him, “I made this for you. I remembered how much you liked it (Citrine).” I remember thinking that Citrine brought abundance and I wanted that for him. He was pleased and smiled as he took it from me.

I asked him some questions about his life – Was he still living where he was before? Was he happy? Was he still doing what he was when we last spoke? He answered, confirming most of what I already knew.

The more we talked the more lucid I became. My physical/human consciousness was questioning the reality. Why are we in my grandparent’s kitchen? Is this really my friend? No way, why would he be in my grandparent’s kitchen? This has to be a dream!

The last thing I remember was telling my friend, “I miss you.” I felt very down when I said it. I don’t remember his response now but he was understanding, happy-go-lucky, and reassuring.

Eventually my questions pulled me out of the scene and again I felt my physical body and my physical senses began to take over. It was odd but something I have experienced before. My senses shift from astral to physical but not all at once. For example, my hearing will be like someone turns on the volume and then it turns it down again suddenly and repetitively. The same thing goes for my vision – astral to physical (which is dark). The vibrations are the same, on again, off again. So odd!

I shifted yet again and found myself outside my mom’s house this time. I think I may have been a little kid because my vision was at a lower height than is my norm. I was talking to someone about a special school that only Kindergarten aged kids could go to. My middle son was mentioned and I remember hearing he couldn’t go but my youngest could. My vision was very clear at this time and my physical self recognized I was OOB. We were walking through thick, brown leaves. There were so many that as I walked they came to my knees (remember that I am child-sized though) and I could hear them crunching under foot. I saw ahead of me my mom’s yard and my vision stabilized. The blue sky seemed to be huge in comparison to myself. Recognizing my chance, I attempted to jump into the air and take flight. I did this just as a child said to me, “Come on!” As I lifted up it felt like an energy pulled me down and the message was, “No.”

I returned to my sleeping body and my senses adjusted as did my energy. It was quick this time and I opened my eyes.

As I laid there my first memory was of meeting my friend. It was so real and I wondered if he was just a dream construct or if he had actually been there. As if in answer, the lyrics of a song popped into my head – I will be with you again….I will be with you again.

I heard the above a couple of days ago while driving. I had been in a strange mood, zoned out and feeling odd. This has been normal for me lately, especially when I drive. I had changed the radio station and caught the end of the song. The music lulled me almost into a trance and I remember smiling and enjoying it. It felt like someone was giving me a hug and I got a bit Homesick as I recalled certain memories. That is when I heard, “I will be with you again.” It seemed like a message then, too.

For some reason when I heard the song this morning I thought it was from The Cure. Ha! Not sure why I thought that but it could be a message, too. Who knows. It also felt like not only was I being told, “I will be with you again” but that I was also saying this to someone. Like a simultaneous message exchange. I do believe there was an astral meeting and that my other Self has a full set of memories entirely separate from my physical life memories.

Other Dreams

I’ve had lots of dreams these last few days, and Kundalini, too.

In one dream I was heading home and had to make a sharp turn that immediately went uphill. It was my exit and came much quicker than I anticipated. When I took the turn I had to stop suddenly because there were three cars in a row that had run head-on into the curve. They were so mangled that all I could see were the taillights and bumpers. Their anxious drivers stood with a police officer (assistance) and I was told I could not pass. So I shifted the other direction but it was also barred, this time by water (emotion). I ended up taking the long way around to get to my destination.

The dream continued to my destination which was a “camp” (need to belong but independent also) of sorts for teachers. The camp looked like suburbia and when I checked-in I was told join the rest of the group. I was given a uniform and told that we would all eventually start to smell badly over time (issue needs to be addressed) because we were not allowed to bathe. Every day we would have P.T. and I recall being told where the nearby hospital (healing) was located in case we needed assistance in the evening when the camp was closed. Thing was, the hospital was also a camp and run by the very same people. I remember realizing the teachers were also doctors/nurses as was I.

Kundalini

Yesterday morning I had a nice Kundalini dream in which I was in a van with my husband. We were in the back and the van was driving itself. We were on the highway and, knowing we would be occupied for a while, I worried we would end up driving too far. I suggested we take the van to the lake and park but before I could go up front to take over driving the Kundalini raged and woke me up. I lingered in the bliss for some time after waking. It seems that now whenever my root activates all my upper chakras “sing” in the most wonderfully pleasant way. It is spectacular and I really, really hate that it always wakes me up! Grrrr!

I had actually asked for some kind of Kundalini experience that night before bed. There are two distinct types I experience now – the very sexual/bliss kind and the bliss/friendship/love/safety/Oneness kind. Both are wonderful in their own way and both teach me a great deal about myself and the world/this experience. “Bliss” is a part of both but there seems to be different types of bliss as well as various “new” feelings associated with the Kundalini. Since the human experience does not have words for these feelings I am always at a loss as to how to describe them.

Another Music Message

Yesterday morning, as I slowly woke from my dreams, a message came through very quietly. It repeated and grew louder and louder, eventually bringing forth a song as if to make sure I paid attention. The song was this one:

The part of the song that was repeating was, “Don’t you, forget about me.” The message that had been repeating and growing louder became obvious when the song was acknowledged. It was: Remember me.

A bit shocked and curious, I focused on the source of the message and felt a familiar energy, one I had not felt in a while. The more I focused the clearer the energy became and a visual formed in my mind.

My response was to enter into a conversation with this individual because I understood all at once the message and was tired of resisting.

It was a check-in. I knew the message “Remember me” was both a message to remember mySelf as well as a message to remember what had brought me to where I am now. To push away, ignore or deny all that made me who I am today was not helping me. I needed to remember it. All of it.

Of course I had to justify my reasons. It is painful, it makes living here on this planet that much more difficult, it triggers all kinds of beliefs/expectations/desires that I do not wish to reconcile for the enormity of their impact on me as a Human Being. It is easier to deny in myself all that relates to connection. To deny myself the positives in order to avoid the negatives makes complete sense.

But it was clear from my dream and all the dreams preceding it that the path of avoidance will get me nowhere. The path will be blocked and so will all of the others until I take the correct path.

The message was, “Remember it is my path, too. You cannot force from yourself that which is part of you. I will always be there. In your heart. In your mind. I am part of you as you are part of me.” I softened a great deal when I heard this. It was like all my walls came down all at once.

Still Recovering

Similarly, last night prior to bed I was asking all sorts of questions – “Why” this and “Why” that. My main thoughts centered on the experiences I’ve had – the Kundalini being number 1. Why did I make it so that I Remembered so much in this lifetime? What is the point of Remembering if I can’t do anything with it! How am I going to continue in this life now? With every single Kundalini experience I glimpse more of that which I Forgot. And with every regained memory of Self this human experience feels more and more alien to me.

Throughout I was receiving reminders of what I already Knew, things I Remembered on the path to where I am now. Things I have written in this blog…..like my Starseed origins, my connection to what appear to be E.T.’s, my memories of my purpose here, past life memories, heart connections/soul family, and the glimpses into my own and Earth’s future. I pushed all of it out of my mind, though, because it does me no good to believe such things. It only serves to make me feel that much more alone, that much more separate from everyone else.

It felt like I would be in this in-between/void forever when I “looked” into my own future. Time stretched out forever in front of me like a road never-ending. I saw my children mostly grown up. I saw myself old and gray. I couldn’t/can’t help but be impatient. I want to get to “the end” already. But mostly I just want something to look forward to. After experiencing what I have thus far to think of the rest of my life being like it was before – it’s unbearable. I have no way of consolidating the before and the after and that’s what I need to do or else risk major repercussions (mental break being one).

I was told, “Give yourself a chance to recover.” With that I was reminded of the end of 2016 and the intensity of the pain/hurt/despair among other things. Healing cannot be rushed. Considering how long I have already been recovering I asked in frustration, “How long is it going to take?” The answer I received was, “As long as it takes.” UGH!

Sync

As if to remind me that my path here is to serve others, specifically my children, I was drawn to my youngest son’s eyes. In the sunlight I noticed things I hadn’t noticed before. So I took some photos. Aren’t his eyes just gorgeous?

 

 

I also noticed he has inherited his father’s heterochromia. If you look at the first photo you can see that the color amber/brown surrounds the pupil but the rest of the eye is blue. This is true of central heterochromia – two different shades of color. His dad has partial heterochromia – one of his blue eyes has a big, brown spot that takes up about 1/4 of the iris color.

Interestingly, the same day I was fascinated with my son’s heterochromia, I was watching the show Limitless and there was mention of heterochromia! HA! Chance? I think not.

After my amazement wore off over the sync I just experienced, I realized again what I had recently been reminded of. There is purpose to my being here beyond what I am able to/allowed to see. Much of that purpose is related to the new generations. I have three very special children who will need my Knowing, my Remembering, to help them in life. It may not be apparent to me now but it will be, eventually. Even in writing this I am reminded of the Delores Cannon books.

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Revelations and Updates

Some messages I have received recently:

From Call the Midwife season 5 episode 7:

Prayers aren’t always answered the way one would hope but they are generally answered. And the answer He gave me was this: When things change we have to find a different way. Now whenever I do up a button or a shoelace I’m reminded of the need to keep learning.

A reminder we all need from time to time.

Nothing stays the same. We don’t stay the same ourselves. And all the time the world keeps spinning faster.

Another quote that caught my attention:

But my first child and my second child both died. One in my belly and one in my arms.

I’m sorry.

Why are you sorry?

It’s just something we say in England, when someone says something bad happened.

It is in the past now. This baby’s in the future, which is why you should never be sorry, just be glad.

And still another:

Sometimes there is no map for the road we find ourselves upon. It lies ahead, uncharted, unfurling into the mist. We are all travelling through one another’s countries. But it is no matter if we meet as strangers, for we can join forces and learn to love. And where there is friendship and affection there is the place we can all call home.

These quotes/scenes and more have been inciting tears. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders; like torrents of flood waters pouring through my very Being and I can’t breathe for the ceaselessness of them. Last night I was overcome by the emotion yet again and rather than question it or judge myself for the feelings I was feeling, I just allowed them to flow because I knew it would not last long. A silent and reassuring voice from within said, “It will pass.” It always does and part of me saw the emotion and the experience of the moment as a Divine blessing. I understood that my human body and mind is not capable of holding onto it all. So, I need to give it up, to give it back to where it came from…..wherever that might be. In giving it up I am cleansed and one step closer to fully embracing the sanctity of this existence.

Amidst the emotional purging there has been clarity on so many things. Lessons are becoming obvious, gifts received finally opened. The exhaustion and apathy I’ve been feeling transforming into surrender, slowly but surely.

After several days of reflection, a thought continues to resurface: “If I had to do it over again, I would not do it again.” When asked why I would not do it again, I replied, “It destroyed me. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel empty.” I heard in reply, “Now you can be filled.”

“It” here refers to what occurred in December, 2015, almost two years ago now. Basically, if I could turn back time I would turn the other way, listening to my inner silence rather than giving in to my human urgency to be loved. The connection that I felt was misunderstood and blown way out of proportion by my human self. I have concluded now that the “connection” was merely the result of a newly opened heart which revealed to me a glimpse of my True self. My human side attributed the very “new” feelings to all the wrong things and had not the experience nor knowledge with which to cope appropriately. I continue to feel ill prepared but recognize that my body/mind/spirit has to be re-taught how to handle that which is my natural state. It is very obvious that my natural state is beyond beautiful, beyond powerful, so much so that my human self struggles immensely because she is buried under layers of illusion and belief.

Another revelation….. I saw myself as the character I play in this life. She seems so boring, so nondescript, so lonely and forlorn. It occurred to me that I should step out of that Beingness and look at myself from outside myself, like I am watching a television show of my life. When I did there was just love for the experience and recognition that I chose it because I saw it as beautiful. Every “bad” feeling, low mood, negative reaction just as wonderful as every moment of laughter, excitement, love, and friendship. All moments “will pass”, it is only the clinging to one over the other that makes once experience seem fleeting while another seems to last forever.

Somehow I have to learn to reject nothing and embrace all and do so without judgment.

Spiritual Considerations

I continue to feel repelled by the online spiritual community, channeled messages and energy forecasts I use to follow prior to July this year. The repetitiveness of the messages is really bothering me. It occurred to me that nothing in the messages has really changed over the last few years. They still say the next big wave is upon us, the incoming energy will bring about transformations and huge changes, etc, etc. Then there is the abundance of people jumping on the ever-growing spiritual bandwagon. It all just bothers the hell out of me. Something is very wrong with it. Every day I stop following another person on WP. Every day I stop following another person on FB. Soon there won’t be anything left to read.

I have always been one to listen to my own self/heart first, so none of the above is really out of the ordinary for me. However, the feeling I get from most if not all of what I am reading is nearing repulsion now. I go back day after day to blogs I use to frequent and try again to read their posts but am turned off within a sentence of two. It just doesn’t flow with me anymore.

The only answer I have to the above is that I am focusing on what really matters: love, family, life. The spiritual is part of all of it. There is no need to follow some channel or some energy forecast. No need to validate my journey from without. All of it is right.here.inside.me. Some people still need to look outside themselves, some are still growing, building their foundations. So they can read or follow the blogs, channels, forecasts. There is nothing wrong with it and eventually they will come full circle, too. We all will.

Interesting little tidbit I want to add now. As if to remind me of my own need for validation there was a time last week when wherever I went I kept getting messages from the environment that said, “Walk-in”. It was ridiculous how frequent it was! I actually had a post on it and then opted to not finish it. That very day I saw this on my way to pick up my family photos:

IMG_1187

I actually laughed out loud when I saw it, thus I had to take a picture to document it.

Then, yesterday I think it was, someone commented on my other blog, the one about walk-ins. I didn’t know how to respond. How do I feel about the subject now? I didn’t know. Ultimately, I still don’t know what to say about it. Part of me is not even sure such a thing really exists. Something obviously happened, is happening to me, but really it seems more like a mental illness – a personality break of sorts – than a spiritual phenomena. At this time the best I can come up with is that I am in a transition period and at some point in the future it will all be crystal clear. All I can say for sure right now is that I have changed, am changed and will continue to change. Change is the only constant.

Kundalini

Last night the Kundalini visited more than once. Consciously I accepted it and even upon waking it swirled and raged, especially around my root and crown. At one point, when the energy was feeling quite strange and almost unsettling I heard, “Stay calm.” At that moment I became more alert to the energy in my crown area. Prior to that, I had received a long, rope-like object composed of tiny threads weaving in and out in spiral fashion. I was to attach one end to my crown and the other to my root. The Kundalini was everywhere but the feeling was unlike anything I have felt before. It was almost as if the space between my root and crown was a vast void with no beginning and no end.

I could not return to the in-between and began to think of all the things I needed to do, specifically that I need to get a run in today. I heard my guidance say, “You need to rest.” It occurred to me then that my recent lack of motivation and desire to “do nothing” in terms of exercise and running was likely more than just my being “lazy”.

Updates on Physical Issues

This morning I have a headache but nothing major. My acne ailment is almost completely healed. In fact, my complexion is glowing and radiant. I will be tapering off of my antibiotics slowly over the next couple of weeks.

My body seems to be adjusting to the birth control. I don’t know if the emotion I am having is related or not. Could be, I guess. The pain in my ankles is gone but I did burst a vein on my right ankle. It is likely it was caused by the BC because higher hormones do effect vein elasticity. It could mean more vein issues in the future.

I am still having panic/anxiety but mostly when I am running. I only ran once this week because the weather has been crazy here in Texas. One day it was near 80 degrees and the next it was snowing (yeah). On that one run I almost ended up in a full-on panic attack out of the blue. These moments of panic come from feeling like I am not in my body when I run. My legs contact solid ground but instead of feeling grounded I feel the opposite, as if I will leave my body via my crown at any moment. The panic comes from my human mind immediately worrying that I will not be in control of this body. Scenarios of passing out on the sidewalk or running into traffic shift me into panic mode. I have to tell myself, “I’m okay. Everything’s fine”. But on this particular day a part of me embraced leaving my body and had no concern or worry of what might happen if I did. Once I ignored the panicking side and listened to the other my anxiety lessened and then dissipated. After that I still opted to take a route away from busy roads just in case. lol

Family

I’ve been having disconcerting dreams about my sister lately. Her birthday is today but I am unable to communicate with her or send her a gift or card because she and her husband have purposefully withheld their address from family. The feeling is that either she is currently struggling or that more severe struggles await her and her husband. It saddens me, especially since she is mostly hurting herself by disconnecting like she is.

My family recently had family photos taken. Here are a couple of them:

Since these photos were taken I have been ever so grateful for my many blessings. At times I am overflowing with gratitude. The smallest of moments make me smile. For example, I have been reading to my youngest in the evenings. He has been requesting that I read to him nightly and brings book after book to me. Every time I read to him he snuggles up close and always either holds or strokes my arm or hand. It is the sweetest thing. I don’t think either of my other two children ever did that.

 

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Considerations and Lessons

Hope you are riding the energy of this full moon and not being drowned by it. I know that sounds a bit dramatic but then I’m a Leo and can tend towards the dramatic at times. 🙂 I believe Mercury also went retrograde recently adding to the mix, not that Mercury retro really is an issue for me. I rarely notice when it goes retro.

However, perhaps Mercury played a part in the wonderful fun I had yesterday morning. There was a text from my bank first thing in the morning about a charge on my debit card. Turns out, someone hacked my card and was using it to buy all kinds of things online. I spent my whole morning sorting it out on my own because my bank could do nothing until the charges went through. As long as they were pending I had to wait or contact the retailers myself. So…..I contacted the retailers and fixed it myself. The last place – DSW – was so grateful I felt like I had done my good deed for the day. Plus, I got the satisfaction of knowing whoever was trying to get a free ride off me FAILED. I hope DSW reports their address and they are caught but I doubt they are that stupid…..but maybe Mercury will work against them? I can only hope. hehe

Then this morning when I woke up my husband was in the mood to fight. It seemed he wanted to blame me for everything he saw wrong in our family and just be flat out negative and judgmental. I called him out on it because I was not going to have my morning ruined. Then he wanted to talk it out calmly but everything that came out of his mouth was the same stuff that I’ve heard countless times so I called him on that, too. I was not in the mood to talk and just listening to him hurt my brain. Sometimes I think being married to an air sign is painful, especially when they keep talking forever and I just woke up and want to be left alone in silence to drink my coffee.

Perhaps this full moon and maybe a dash of Mercury retro are also making me a bit inconsiderate of other’s needs, especially when I feel my own needs are being ignored? lol I just don’t want to deal with anyone else’s shit right now. I don’t have the time or patience for whining, ranting, raving, or complaining especially when it is something I’ve heard time and time again and the person doing it is using it to avoid taking responsibility. I call Bull Shit and do so in a very direct way. Thankfully my husband is the only one I have to deal with. He can handle it. Others, well not so much usually. This is a good time for me to hide out at home I think. lolol

Updates 

Good news – all my ailments previously mentioned are resolving. 🙂 The acne mess is still slowly healing but is not getting worse. My skin looks good except for the spots that are healing but they are going away. I can’t say what the main cause is – antibiotics, birth control, algae mask, using new cleanser – but I am grateful. Considering my mood (as mentioned above) it is good that I usually hide away from the world when I have acne.

No more incidences of panic or anxiety. No tooth problems, either. My cold is still lingering but is bearable. I mostly just have way too much snot (sorry if TMI) but at least I can breathe and my throat doesn’t hurt.

The BC does not seem to be causing me any issue. No migraines or hints of getting a migraine either. I have noticed that the skin on the inside of both of my legs near the ankles feels tight in the morning and I had a strange shooting pain in my left calf that went away quickly yesterday. These alarmed me because my doctor warned me that at my age BC can cause all kinds of fun side-effects, one being blood clots another increase risk for stroke. So far, though, there is no indication that a blood clot is forming but the strange sensitivity around my ankles is concerning. It reminds me of how my legs felt after I had vein surgery.

I have resumed exercise and today am paying for it. My lower body is stiff as hell. That’s what weight training will do, though. I will be slowly integrating running and weight training back into my routine but am not overly eager to do so. I still have the feeling I need to take it easy on my body so am going to follow that feeling. Thus, no running or weights today but I might do step aerobics to get my blood pumping a bit. 🙂

My husband’s raise turned out to be $800/month, exactly what I thought it would be when he told me. He still gets bonuses on top of that making it pretty obvious to me that the only reason for me to go back to work is because I want to. For most of my life I have told others (and my guides) that I don’t want to have to work. I am grateful to have gotten what I asked for. In fact, this morning I woke up thinking, “I am so happy that I don’t have to rush around in the mornings to get out the door by a certain time, drive in traffic and go to a job for 8+ hours only to come home and do all the “mom” things I have to do.” I can wear my p.j.’s all day, not worry about how I look or how much acne I have to cover up with makeup (lol), do whatever the hell I want, and not have to deal with people I don’t want to deal with. It really is THE LIFE. I am eating it up today, can’t you tell? Like my guides have been telling me, “Enjoy this time in your life.” Yes, siree, boss. 🙂

Considerations/Lessons

Again, perhaps it is the full moon or some other astrological event influencing me, but currently I seem to be fully realizing some of my past lessons. They are not easy to put into words but I am feeling so much better than I was just last week. It is not just physically, either. I feel more accepting of my life and circumstances when before I was so resistant, lingering in the past and wallowing in “what if’s”. Clarity has visited concerning some past experiences and it is helping me to cope and move forward.

This morning I recognized one turning point occurred all the way back in June this year. At the time I had too much emotional interference to see it but now it is obvious. It all came down to standing firm in my convictions, which I did, but it also involved fear, which clouded my (and another’s) view of the big picture. The fear was not just mine and there is a whole story here I would love to tell but I will leave it at that. The moral to the story is that real love does not ask another to do something that goes against what they feel is right. Nor does one place conditions upon another based upon some unknown future possibility riddled with fear of a past injustice repeating itself. Any relationship developed under such circumstances is doomed to failure. However, all of the above does not diminish the love and friendship between two people, it is but a path chosen and a lesson to be learned. Ultimately, that love and friendship is fortified by the choice of each to stay true to their path (heart), undeterred by the inevitable abundance of emotion and confusion that served only to blind their human minds.

I would not have recognized all of the above had my husband not infuriated me this morning with his non-stop nattering. I told him that I long ago learned that lingering on could’ve/should’ve got me nowhere. It solved nothing and kept me pinned in place rather than allowing me to move forward. I said to him, “All we can do is take what we have learned and apply it to where we are now. From here (present) we can make a difference in the future, from there (the past) we are lost to it (the future).”

My guidance via the wonderful reminders, allowing me to taste Divine love and friendship via my dreams, has given me hope that all is not lost. I am so blessed to have experienced true unconditional love and friendship both in my waking life and during my dream encounters. I am indeed special in this regard and feel special every time I experience it. It has shown me just how unimportant and frivolous most of my considerations in this human experience are. Every day I let go of something else, some other human consideration, belief or expectation, because I can see more of the big picture. All this drama, all the pain and misery of life, everything that worries me or causes me to feel distress, sadness, grief, anger….a lack of Love…..is of no consequence. Eventually I will have let go of it all and all that will remain is that feeling, the blessed bliss of Divine love, and it will be everywhere and in everything, and I will Know that it is so.