Category Archives: Messages

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The Funnel Effect

Woke up crying this morning. 😦

Dream: 700 Years is Enough

I was standing in line at a stop light. Standing – not in a car – which is odd. People began walking past going in the opposite direction. The line stopped suddenly, though, and the people in the line began staring at each other and seeming to communicate without words. I also recall I had earbuds (in tune with intuition) in my ears but there wasn’t any audible music. The line would start moving and then stop again. I saw specific people were causing the delay. They seemed to be upset and others got caught up in the encounter as they went by adding to the size of the group. Still others walked past the scene, bypassing it and going on their way.

The group eventually dispersed and the last to leave was a young black woman. I had pulled out my earbuds by this time and wanted to help. I went up to her, put my hand on her shoulder and asked, “Is everything alright?” She snapped back, “No.” She walked past me and I turned around and said, “Well, I hope you have a good day tomorrow….and a good rest of your night.” I felt unsure that I should even speak to her but wanted to relay that I cared. She turned back to me and threw a nasty energy at me and said, “You better watch your back. I’m gonna kill your mother.” Then she walked away.

I thought back to her, “How? You don’t even know who I am.” At first I was unaffected, understanding her upset, but then I knew the rest of her story all at once. What I recall of it was that she was raised by angry, hate-filled parents and brought up with family who was the same. All she knew was anger and hatred. Her day-to-day life was confrontation. That’s all she knew.

I continued home to my partner. When I walked into the door I said to him, “I want out of this (skin).” My physical body felt like a death trap when I said it. I could see my partner laying in a bed with white sheets. He sat up and there was a feeling of, “Not yet” from him in response. I said to him, “Fine. I’ll give it a few more days but then I’m outta here. 700 years is long enough.” With this, I communicated my experience to my partner without words and how the human race felt beyond help. How could I do any good in this place if they were all so filled with hate? There was a sadness at knowing that once a human got to a certain age there was little to no hope in changing their patterns. It felt pointless to even try to save any of them once they made it to adolescence.

My partner understood but he was not like me. He still had so much hope and believed they could be saved. His steadfastness in the mission was the only reason I held on. He was unaffected by the negativity. He seemed not to feel it like I did.

The enormity of the task hit me hard. I felt all the millions of people on Earth and the anger, hatred and despair they carried with them. This was their day-to-day life. It was all they knew. I could feel each and every one of them as if they were me. The feeling crushed me and I burst into tears.

I woke up in tears, the feeling from the dream still very real to me. It reminded me of when I worked at an alternative school and how the students would throw such nasty energy at one another and at me. It was all they knew. The first week on the job I burst into tears in my car on the way home every day. Then I somehow numbed myself to the energy but eventually I couldn’t and felt beaten down by it. That woman in the dream sent me the exact same energy. It communicated, “I hate you. I don’t trust you. I don’t trust anyone. You are a worthless piece of shit. Nothing you do or say will amount to anything. It’s me or you and I will kill you if you get in my way.” The only way to ever get through to the students was to lower myself to their level, to reduce my vibration. They wouldn’t even see me or listen to me until I did. But lowering my vibration for so long took a toll on me. I just couldn’t stay in that place or I would have been lost like them. I will forever feel I failed them, though. My Light wasn’t enough to save them. It’s no wonder I felt the way I did in the dream.

This song was going through my head as I awoke, specifically, “You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful, it’s true……but I don’t know what to do, ’cause I’ll never be with you.”

Dreams

I had many other dreams prior to this one.

In one I was traveling on a busy highway but stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic (feeling stuck) that was barely moving. I asked my partner to take the feeder road to get to our destination faster. We were going to the bank (fears are unfounded). He said, “No, look the traffic is moving now.” When we arrived we stayed near the car and I remember talking to someone who I revered. He told me I won a prize and handed me $150 (expect change). Then he handed me a purple, plush armadillo (need to recognize codependent situation).

armadillo

In another more lucid dream I was driving down a four lane highway through a town. It was dark and there were no other cars on the road. I became super lucid while behind the wheel and began to panic. My guidance said, “It will be alright. You are only going 10mph (step forward into the new).” I remember feeling I needed to just focus on the road, so I did, and the panic dissipated.

I didn’t know where I was or where I was going and ended up driving into downtown (material concerns). I turned around and when I did my car disappeared and I was inside an old building. Sitting at a waiting table was my partner and beside him was a woman with brown hair. I realized we were at a salon (new outlook) and so I sat down and waited with them. I couldn’t help but notice my partner was very interested in the woman. I felt her fire, concluding she was an Aries, and was instantly concerned that he would like her more than me. Her energy was exciting and new and I felt I couldn’t compete with it (feeling insecure).

I got up to leave, concluding that it was time for me to go and feeling like the third wheel. My partner immediately stopped me, asking me to stay, so I did. One of the beauticians asked me if I had an appointment, I said I thought I did and would wait. I remember feeling like I would have to wait a long time.

Explanation – The Funnel Effect 

My guidance and I had a discussion in which I was very much a different, higher version of myself. I seemed to know what I normally would not know. In it, we were discussing the current energies and why they are so intense. What I remember about the discussion is a visual of timelines collapsing in on one another. The timelines were very crowded, almost one on top of the other. This is different from what they were a year ago. Imagine a funnel. A year or two ago the timelines were on the outer rim of the funnel, farther apart and with less motion. Now, the timelines are getting close to the center of the funnel, piling one on top of the other and they have more inertia (resistance to change in motion).

I was reminded that I (we) are still selecting timelines and that we are getting down to the end of the selection process. The experiences I’ve been having are a result of this. In any one moment of any day I can expect to experience multiple timelines. My experience of this is mostly via emotion and Knowing. For example, I will have a strong Knowing about what I should do but then not long after it will vanish and I will be left wondering what is going on. These experiences are so frequent that it leaves me feeling like I am riding waves of Knowing and then falling suddenly into unKnowing just as quickly.

Right now there is a specific karmic stream that runs through the timelines I am reviewing. In this discussion I could see all at once the various timelines this karma runs through and how it plays out over and over again. I felt the disappointment, the hopelessness of ever correcting the patterns related to this karma. These patterns are with specific people in my current lifetime. It was explained to me that I am correcting these patterns, which is why I am reviewing the timelines related to them. I understood why it was so important for me to focus on what I want and not on what I have experienced in the past (past meaning not only this lifetime). Now I have the opportunity to resolve this karma, to change repetitive patterns and complete a mission I started a very long time ago.

white-garden-arbor-swing-with-climbing-perennial

There came after this discussion and sudden understanding an example of how easily one can fall into other timeline streams. I got up to use the restroom and suddenly had a full-on memory of a potential timeline. It was so strong I paused and had to lean up against the door. In the “memory” I saw my husband barge into my locked bedroom and force himself on me. The feeling from him was that he was justifying his behavior based on the fact that he is my husband and it was his right. There was a feeling of anger also, anger at being denied his right to my body. Similarly, I knew I would not resist but allow because I felt he was justified in his behavior, that I was wrong to deny him and it was my duty as his wife to allow him access to my body. I also knew that after the very traumatic experience that I would not have the courage to leave, but would stay. The feeling was that I did not have enough self-worth to challenge the situation nor enough willpower to change my circumstances.

I tried not to allow this “memory” to affect me. I understood I was viewing another timeline, but it got to me nonetheless. I wondered if this were repeated in the current timeline if I would have the strength to remove myself from the situation? I would like to think I do but if I’m honest I am not so sure.

I saw other timelines not long after. One was in a garden sitting on a swing with a man I loved dearly. The repetitive pattern with him was disappointing. I recognized the garden scene because it was in several timelines. I knew it was our “first encounter” spot and felt the grief associated with it. So many failures, one after the other. No wonder I have such a feeling of unrequited love connected to this person.

The key is to not get caught up in these “memories” or the “decisions” from these other potential timelines but to focus on the desired outcome. It was stressed to me over and over that I need to push all unwanted outcomes out of my mind and see the intended outcome as my reality. If I continue to do that then it will be the timeline that wins out.

 

 

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More Sickness and Strange Dreams

Looks like the stomach bug is revisiting our household. 😦

I was awakened at 2am by my husband puking in the bathroom. He chose the bathroom closest to where I sleep for some odd reason. At 6am he was banging on my door and waking me up. When I asked why he said he wanted “attention” and “love” and wanted a hug. I wanted to be as far away as I could and so left. He opted to lay on my bed and contaminate it.

I do have sympathy for my husband but I am still sick with a lingering cold (the sore throat is back) and still have a yeast infection. The last thing I need is to have the stomach bug on top of that. As it is, I am probably screwed. The stomach bug has a very fast incubation period – 12-24 hours. It is also the hardiest virus you will come by. It takes bleach to kill it. I actually went over my house from top to bottom the last time we had it to make sure I got rid of it.

I am thinking that my husband picked it up at the neighbors house this weekend. He actually had no plans this weekend but when he happened to hear the neighbor was remodeling his bathroom he volunteered to help. Thus, he was gone all.weekend.long. Then, as if he hadn’t already done enough, he goes for an hour long run, comes home and tells me he volunteered to watch his brother’s three kids for the night. He takes all three of our kids over and watches six kids until 10pm.

This is how he operates. If he gets bored he finds something to do. Doing nothing is like his nemesis. He always finds something to do, then works his butt off, and as soon as he is done he collapses in a deep sleep. I often find him passed out on the sofa mid-day. Gemini to a T.

When I learned he had the stomach bug I was reminded of the messages I received in my dreams not long ago, messages that said I needed to fast for 24 hours before some big event happened. My first thought was, “I won’t be able to do that because I won’t know when.” Then I paused and thought, “Unless I get the stomach flu again….” So this morning I was thinking, “Oh hell no!” lol

My sore throat came back last night but only on the left side (weird). It isn’t that horrible but it’s annoying. Again I lounged around watching T.V. all day and doing practically nothing. My third-eye was buzzing on and off most of the day, too, which I found strange considering I am still sick.

I slept deeply and my dreams are hard to recall but I remember two.

Dream: Haircut

In the first I was face to face with a familiar man. I was going to get a haircut (fresh start) and this man was present on and off. I would just see his face and feel this unsettled, almost threatening energy. I remember discussing the haircut and seeing someone’s hair being slicked back and combed. I woke from this dream suddenly, wondering why the man felt so threatening when in other dreams his energy had been normal.

Dream: Witnessing Union

In the next dream I was watching a black woman and a black man laying naked in the middle of a shallow stream. They were making out and their bodies seemed to merge into one. All I recall now of the scene is one person with two faces – male and female. The entire time I was talking to someone but I can’t remember what was said.

After the “Union” between them was complete they remained one and the female spoke to me asking me to gather up keepsakes for this monumental event. I remember seeing what looked like test strips reminiscent of the ovulation test strips I use to use when trying to get pregnant with my middle child. I could see the long, white strips complete with yellow tips bundled in a cylindrical container. She was instructing me on what strips to keep. There numbers on them that seemed to indicate days of the month. I don’t remember all the numbers now but I do remember the number 4 and laying out two groups of 4 strips. My feeling was that she wanted to save these strips like I saved my positive pregnancies tests for each of my pregnancies – as memory of an important day/event. I laid them out and got a feeling that she had become “pregnant” but I knew she wasn’t really pregnant but rather that something “new” had been created.

As I left the couple, I went to the kitchen to continue preparations. This part of the dream is hazy but I remember my hair was wet and still full of shampoo (growth and new ideas). At one point I paused and leaned over the sink backwards, got my hair wet and then wrung it out (releasing old routines and considerations). My hair was long and dark and whoever was watching commented on how easily I was able to rinse the shampoo out. I also remember the sink was full of dirty dishes (unsatisfied with something) when I did this.

As I woke I heard, “11 days” and saw the 24th as the start of this time frame. It reminded me of the many messages I have received over the years that the 4th of July is my new birthday. 11 days from the 24th is the 4th of July.

Considerations

As I woke I was thinking of something completely unrelated to my dreams. My husband is planning on going on a road trip to New Mexico the weekend after the 4th of July. He wants me to go but I am not really wanting to go on a 15 hour road trip with everyone in our Mazda which has 90K miles on it. Plus, the last time I went on a trip with him to NM I was miserable and hardly slept the entire time. He wants to leave on the 6th or 7th and be gone until the next Monday or Tuesday. I suggested he stay longer because that amount of driving doesn’t make a lot of sense for that short of a stay.

So I was thinking of this and couldn’t help but recall that I had previously considered taking off on my own road trip after the 7th of July. I quickly pushed that from my mind, though, because I just don’t feel up to doing anything right now. I want my body to be healed and healthy! Yet a previously received message came to me, one suggesting that I would need time alone to heal. Again, I put it out of my mind. The feeling is that if I am meant to go somewhere to heal then I will know when and where and will just go.

The dreams I had suggest that some changes are on the horizon beginning around the 29th of June and completing around the 4th of July. These changes have to do with creating something “new”, tossing old ideas and coming into Wholeness.

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Dreams, Messages and Understanding

I spent all day yesterday doing practically nothing. My lower abdomen ached from the yeast infection I couldn’t treat it until bedtime. By the evening I began to get more messages about “protection” and this shifted me into a mini-paranoia for a while most likely because I had been watching, Supernatural, a show about the paranormal. lol Memories of messages I had forgotten from that morning began to surface, specifically that I was advised to “pray”. So by bedtime I prayed for protection and slept with some black tourmaline.

I slept deeply and without memory of dreams up until early morning. At one point early in the night I was awakened by energetic sensations in my root and second chakras. I woke suddenly and without memory of the dream preceding the energy. It felt very much like I was receiving an energetic adjustment to those chakras. The sensation was familiar – a cylinder of energy seemed to be inserted up through the center of my body. Usually these cylinders of energy feel neutral, the energy expanding outward and filling my physical body with what I can only describe as Light. This time, however, it was quite pleasant, so much so that it made me squirm from arousal. I immediately reminded myself to not focus on it. Before the sensation fully dissipated I passed back out into a dreamless sleep.

Dream: Pre-Law Class and Course Schedule

The next thing I remember is talking to someone about my return to school to pursue an unfinished degree (expansion of knowledge). I remember saying that I had taken credits toward a degree but had put it all on hold. I was discussing all of this with my “adviser” who reminded me that he had advised me to drop two classes I was failing before the semester ended so as to not affect my GPA. The two classes were in chemistry (change to Self) and some upper level math (evaluation of life situation). I had just opted to not attend class because they were too difficult and I was not up to the challenge at that time. I recall remembering that June 24th, 1997 was my wedding anniversary with my ex-husband. To think if we had remained married we would have been celebrating our 2oth!

sword

Then I was attending one of the classes on my schedule. It was Introduction to Pre-Law (how to achieve success in life), and I was a bit intimidated by the idea of taking a class in a subject I knew little to nothing about. I was sitting with another young woman listening to the teacher introduce the first class. Me and the woman I sat across from both had swords (decisiveness and willpower) in our hands. Hers was a fencing sword (at odds with someone in my life) and mine was a short broadsword (strength and courage) with a blade that was silver (justice) on one side and gold (determination) on the other.

The teacher was discussing paranormal psychology and the class seemed to shift away from pre-law for a while. He said that there was a particular president of the U.S. who was actually an E.T. agent sent to infiltrate the government. He gave us four presidents (quest for power and control) and asked us to guess which one was the agent. I immediately said to my friend, “It has to be Eisenhower” but the teacher revealed it was Ronald and Nancy Reagan. Then the bodies of both of them were in front of us. Nancy had a white bandage tied around her neck and Ronald had a breathing tube inserted in his mouth. The teacher pulled the breathing tube out of his mouth and said something, but I can’t remember what he said now. I was shocked in disbelief because I couldn’t imagine either of them having malicious intent.

As class was ending the teacher began to discuss a game we would all be playing as part of the pre-law curriculum. I remember seeing cards but I can’t recall the game now. I looked closely at the teacher. He was young, dynamic and new to teaching having recently received his doctoral degree. He had medium brown hair and appeared to be in his early thirties. I thought he had to be the youngest professor I had ever had. I immediately liked him.

At the end of class the teacher asked me and my friend about our swords, complimenting us on them and asking us if we knew how to use them. I told him I hoped he would be able to teach us. I remember touching my sword as if it were precious to me, gently sweeping my hand over its blade.

After class I sat down to check the rest of my schedule. I saw the other classes quite clearly. There were four total, two on Monday/Wednesday and two on Tuesday/Thursday. The one at 8am was the Intro to Pre-Law class and the others were all in the afternoon. The other classes were named Falling in Love and How to Handle Grief. lol I don’t remember the fourth but I believe it was Paranormal Psychology or some other social science class. On the back of my schedule I could make changes or initial my acceptance of the classes. I discussed adding another class to give me a full load of 15 hours. I was considering adding one of the classes I dropped previously – either a math or chemistry course. I could hear my adviser asking me if I thought I could handle such a heavy load. I argued that my courses were all social sciences which I found easy and that I could handle a more challenging class. I even remember thinking I could get a tutor if I needed. lol

There was discussion about completing my degree, too. I was not planning on completing it but just wanted to take some more classes to stay occupied. I was asked, “Why not finish? You are almost there.” With this I saw I was more than 75% complete. I also knew this degree would be a totally new one, not one I had previously obtained. It was obvious to me that I had begun this degree a long time ago and had taken a very long break to focus on family, specifically having children. 10 years had passed since I had dropped the math and chemistry classes and afterward I had given up on ever completing the degree. For some reason I was feeling very optimistic, thinking it possible now to finally finish.

Considerations 

When I woke up I felt very calm and at ease compared to how I felt when I went to bed. It always surprises me how much the symbolism of my dreams relates to my waking life! I learn so much about myself via my dreams and this dream is no exception.

When I woke the most obvious aspects of the dream were screaming at me. The courses on my schedule actually made me laugh but I was unsure about the pre-law class. The dream symbolism says “law” relates to success in life endeavors but my first thought was that the pre-law class has to do with understanding the judicial system better so that I can use it to my advantage in this life. The time frame mentioned at the end of the dream relates directly to when I met my current husband and opted to drop the spiritual and focus on creating a family. The fact that I want to add Chemistry to my course load and am confident I can handle it suggests I am ready to change Self, something I had previously started and then backed out of. I am also intrigued that I am more than 75% complete.

I have no idea how the presidents fit in here. The only thing that came to mind when I awoke was that Reagan was president during the Harmonic Convergence, and that he was also president when I experienced an E.T. encounter in my backyard in the summer of 1989. There was also a brief reminder from my guidance last night when I was questioning them on why I kept receiving messages about needing protection. They reminded me that right now there is an energetic dynamic present that is capable of initiating extreme transformation over a short period of time. Those who oppose this transformation are on alert and will go to extremes to prevent it. Though I was not told what these “extremes” are I got a feeling that put me on edge immediately. My dream suggests there are individuals at high positions in government that are set against the transformation of this planet and the individuals initiating it. Seeing the president and his wife dead in the dream is one of the most vivid parts of the dream. Nancy had a bandage across her throat, as if it had been slit. And then Ronald had a breathing tube still in his mouth. I am at a loss as to why this is. So weird!

Strangely upon waking I remember something from yesterday, a vision I had in the in-between. In it I was having a lei placed over my shoulders and receiving well wishes for a safe and prosperous journey. It felt like I was about to board a plane and head to a faraway location. There was also a sense of excitement and anticipation, like I was going on vacation. In researching leis I found they are presented when someone is arriving or leaving. It appears I am about to embark on a significant life journey.

A Reminder of How Far I’ve Come

Another vision came to me quite suddenly, one that was also received yesterday in the in-between. In it I was wearing a beautiful, flowing, white wedding gown. I was standing in front of mirror looking at myself and with me was a female assistant asking me if I was ready.

I find this vision interesting because it was received on the 20th anniversary of my first marriage. I am reminded of just how far I’ve come, how much I’ve changed and how much I’ve grown and learned. I am so different from that 20-year-old, naive, fear-filled little girl who rushed into marriage to avoid confronting life on her own.

The thoughts and feelings I had on my wedding day 20 years ago came to mind. I knew I would not be married long, that it was not “forever” and that the vows I was making meant nothing. I knew so much yet ignored it. I could see the pros and cons of my decision. If I married I would be miserable, lonely, depressed, and suicidal but I would also be well provided for, financially secure and wouldn’t have to work. I would get to live in new places and see parts of the world I had never seen. I would repay a long-standing debt by helping my husband. But mainly I would not be alone. Being alone was perhaps the scariest prospect of them all and was ultimately what sealed my fate. If I were in the same position now, I would never have agreed to even date my ex-husband. He was and still is not my type at all but it took 10 years with him for me to discover that.

Just thinking that 20 years has passed is amazing to me. Why did it take me so long to realize who I am? Why can’t we come into life knowing ourselves? It seems like such a waste of my youth, of my vitality. I could have traveled the world, experienced so many wonderful things, but instead I opted for a “guarantee” that my material and physical needs would be met. The sad thing is that I am STILL learning this lesson, still being asked the question: “What is more important to you – your happiness or your security?” I know now that having financial security and being “safe” and provided for does not make me happy but in fact leads me into self-destructive patterns. But can I move past the fear of not having enough so that I can embrace the real abundance that is my life? Just considering how much longer it may take me to learn this lesson makes me wish a human life was not so short. It makes me hope for another 50 years of life just so I can make as much progress as I can before I kick the bucket and have to start all over again. Starting at the beginning again just to learn who I am and pick up where I left off at the age of 40! Ha!

Now I understand. There just isn’t enough time.

Feeling very reflective today and looking at old photos. Here are a few from 20 years ago.

glacier

In Glacier National Park

memory

1995

memory1

Four wheeling in Montana.

wedding97

Wedding day 1997 with my mom.

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Sick Again and More Dreams

I am about at my wits end with the recurrence of illness this year. I’ve never been sick this often in my life and it is really getting annoying!! The cold I had last week is STILL lingering. I woke up again this morning with a headache, completely clogged up and with bloodshot, dry eyes. On top of that I have another yeast infection. WTF! My poor body must really be out of balance. I cannot help but be reminded of the last time I had a yeast infection. That time I had a sore throat, too. At least this time they are not at the same time but unfortunately my entire stomach area is aching from the yeast infection. Ugh!

On top of this recent string of illness my skin is all screwed up – dry and flaky with acne popping up and mild eczema here and there. I look awful. When I catch a glimpse of myself I think, “OMG! I look like shit!” Thankfully, the skin issues are clearing up and I am looking less and less awful with each passing day.

All this illness together with the emotional purging that comes and goes is making 2017 a hellish year. I keep asking my guidance, “Why!?” Their answer is that I am “preparing.” Yeah, well, I’m TIRED of preparing. This sucks! All I want is to feel normal again please! Ha! Like I am “normal” anyway! lol

Oh and my voice isn’t completely back. I can’t sing. 😦 I love singing.

Anyway, after this morning’s big dream and emotional purge I went back to sleep and had more dreams and messages.

Dream: Broken Leg

I was in a hospital with a young, Hispanic man. He was laying down with gauze wrapped around his right calf (lack of balance, need to stand up for self). The nurse came in and scowled at him and I caught on that she and the other staff were purposefully avoiding helping the man because he was different than them. I got super angry and demanded they help him, confronting them on their discrimination and telling them off. I remember speaking Spanish in this dream.

Eventually the nurses tended to the man and I went to a juicer (need more energy) and attempted to make some fresh veggie juice (vitality). One of the nurses came and complemented me on the juice but asked where the carrots (lure) were. I told them there weren’t any in the fridge.

roach

Then I was in a bathroom (burdens) with the man and filling a bathtub (renewal) so he could take a bath. The tub got super full (emotion). When I went to drain some of the water I saw a dead cockroach (uncleanliness) floating in it.  I leaned in to open the drain and another roach was swimming around. I was totally disgusted but let the tub drain and celebrated when both cockroaches went down the drain.

When I went to help the man into the tub, I worried about his cast but when I looked at his leg he still only had gauze on it. I realized that he had not broken his leg after all (in balance).

Dream: Black and White Caterpillars 

This dream started off in a mall (choices/options). The stores were closing (time running out) and as we were leaving my family wanted to look for chairs (contemplate a situation before making a decision) in a store that was going out of business (end of path). They looked around inside for a while and there was discussion about the price of some chairs. The tag said $140 (progressive change and growth) and I told them the discount would make them cost $40. The chairs were suppose to go on the patio. I believe the family I was with were my physical family.

I lingered near a crystal and gem store but never went in. I remember knowing I needed to purchase something for protection.

Then I was riding a motorcycle through a dark parking lot (need to slow down). My son was sitting in front of me and I was holding him close to keep him from falling off. I felt like a bad mother and tried to hide the fact that he was riding with me.

I almost wrecked the motorcycle (desire freedom and adventure/moving fast) so out of fear of hurting my son, I parked it and started walking (slow, steady progress). I came to a narrow stairway (progress). It was the only way out of the parking lot. The stairway was full of green vines (hopes, ambitions, relationship) and there was green moss (patience) on the stone steps. When I began to walk up the stairs they turned into a high ledge (liberation) that I had to climb up. As soon I I tried to climb up thousands of large, black and white caterpillars (working toward goals) covered every inch of it. I stepped back a big grossed out. A woman and her daughter were nearby watching. I told her about the caterpillars. She said, “Oh, they are a delicacy!” I looked back at the mass of writhing caterpillars and thought to myself, “They eat them!?” The woman was gathering them up in her arms to take with her. I remember seeing them up close. They were huge, about a foot long, and covered in tiny, soft hairs.

Messages

When I woke up I lingered in the in-between for some time. While there I remember someone telling me, “You’re special” and feeling surrounded in loving energy. There is memory of a discussion here, but most of it is lost to me now.

I also recall visuals. One was of a string of condoms and one package was torn open. That woke me up with a start and I heard, “Protection”. I was thinking, “Eww! Really!?” lol I am certain this is not a literal message to protect myself during sex. It’s just another protection message and obviously my guides wanted to get me to notice and they know what works. hahaha

Then I was on a phone with a friend of mine. Not only could I hear him on the other end of the line, but I could also see him. He was wearing a t-shirt and either in bed or near it. I was talking a million miles a minute, super excited about something. I apologized for talking so much and he laughed and told me it was okay because he was feeling sluggish anyway and “happy to listen”. I remember him telling me he was still wearing his p.j.’s and that’s when the visual of him was strongest. I can’t remember what I was so excited about, though.

Eventually I woke up because of stomach discomfort. A song was going through my head – Shake it Off by Taylor Swift. This is the second morning I’ve woken up hearing it. It is not a song I like (sorry Taylor Swift fans, I just can’t stand her) so I haven’t mentioned it. Anytime I hear it on the radio I change stations. lol So, of course, it would be a music message. Ha! Anyway, the part I heard is, “Play, play, play, play…..Shake it off” over and over. Maybe if I post the song it will go away now so I can be left in peace. lol

 

 

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Something’s Up

It started yesterday. I felt a strange feeling hanging around all day. It felt like the other shoe was about to drop, yet nothing out of the ordinary occurred. I kept sensing my guidance on my left and twice I attempted to visit the gym only to change my mind. Just considering a gym visit brought on worry and anxiety. The last thing I wanted was to end up having another panic attack!

Apparently this Cancer new moon is partly to blame. I don’t necessarily sense new moon energy much but yesterday the intensity and anticipatory feeling that hung around all day was quite bothersome. I kept getting the thought, “Something’s about to happen” but then nothing would.

Thankfully the feeling vanished by nightfall but not before my guidance came through quite strongly with a feeling of “back to work”. I said to them, “I’m done with the purging, right? I don’t think I can handle anymore.” The reply back was without words but I got the message. Mostly I understood that I’m an empath and part of my job is to feel and transmute the emotions of the collective. Yay – not. My guidance chuckled and said, “You know you can do this.” Ha!

Dream: Student Becomes Teacher

I woke up at 11pm from a very deep sleep thinking I had slept the entire night. Surprised that it had only been an hour I drifted back to sleep.

Then I was with my “family” traveling down a road toward a school building. We had all been relocated to a new place, somewhere far from Texas based upon the foliage of the trees, the foothills and all-over green I was seeing. I didn’t know how I got there or who I was or why I was going to school. I felt very out of my element and couldn’t understand why I was just plucked up and placed in a strange place.

When we arrived at the school it didn’t resemble any school I have ever been to. It was massive and the feel of it was very studious and intense. There was a collective feeling as well, like we were gathering with countless other “families”.

On the way in I suddenly remembered I had forgotten to pack my lunch. My “brother” was on my left and said he had been given $35 and not to worry. This “brother” was the only other family member I recall seeing throughout the dream despite there being others around us I could sense.

Inside the building we sat in a waiting room while one-by-one we went in to the registrar to fill out paperwork and give her our personal information. Everything in the building was a golden color and filled with a light that had no source. I was asked to provide my address and I couldn’t remember it because I had only been there once. She asked me what road we lived on. I can only remember now that I said, “Bridge” as the name of the street. Ultimately she dismissed me saying the computer would fill in the information I couldn’t provide.

I was given my schedule and told to go to class. I was resistant to this because I knew I had already taken all the classes, graduated and had a degree – two degrees. A woman walked me to the main hall and told me, “The hours are 9-12. You can make your first class still.” I remember the classes on my schedule were all history classes.

I went into the first classroom and took a seat. All of the desks were connected by a rubber-like netting. As the teacher began to ask the class questions about the material they had covered I became overwhelmed. Memory of all the lectures, assignments, readings, and projects I would have to do for the class hit me and I felt instantly deflated. I was NOT going to do it all over again! So I attempted to leave but was caught up by the netting of the desks and had to climb over it to get out. The teacher asked me why I wasn’t staying. I said, “I’ve already taken history and graduated with a degree. In fact, my undergrad degree is in history!”

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Back in the hallway the woman took my arm and walked with me for a while. She asked me what was wrong. I explained that I had already taken all the classes, telling her about my degrees. I actually forgot what my degrees were and it took me a while to remember them. I was frantic and beginning to panic because I didn’t understand what was going on. How did I get there? Why was I in school again? Something was just not right!

As we talked, we discussed this new place I found myself in. I found myself floating above my new “home”. I could see mountains, lots of green and foliage very different from Central Texas. I recognized I was in the eastern U.S. somewhere. The feeling I got was reassurance and relief when I saw where I was. I had lots of questions – how did I get there, why was I there, why didn’t anyone prepare me ahead of time for this relocation? I don’t remember the answers. Instead there was constant reassurance that I would be okay.

Then I was sitting at a table. The woman sat across from me. She was trying to calm me down because despite seeing where I was I still felt total confusion and disorientation. My memory seemed to be missing in huge chunks and it left me with little stability. The woman with me was so loving, holding my hand and reassuring me constantly that I was loved and everything would be okay. Her energy was probably the only reason I didn’t lose it.

I kept telling the woman, “I’m not suppose to be here. I’ve already graduated.” She said, “Where are you suppose to be?” I said, “I don’t know. I’m a teacher, like you, not a student.” She said, “What would you like to do?” I had no answer other than a feeling of wanting to be of service. She sent me a visual, then, as if to subdue me. I saw a horse running through the trees. I immediately calmed down and smiled. She said, “Do you like it?” I said, “Yes, of course, but you are just trying to distract me aren’t you?” It reminded me of how teachers give volatile students games to occupy them and calm them down.

Then I noticed there were others sitting at the table with us eating lunch. They were all “teachers” and there were eight, four on each side of the table. I remember knowing I was a teacher, too, and the student role I was being placed in upset me. I remember being asked if I wanted to change my role from student to teacher. I said, “Yes” and felt huge relief. I knew the “teachers” at the table. They were my “coworkers” and for the first time in the dream I felt I belonged there.

The woman and I talked some more. I don’t remember what was said but again I was transported to another scene. I saw a car flying over treetops and snow covered hills. The bottom of the car was on fire. Inside of it was my father and my two sisters. The car landed on top of a tree which then also caught fire. Out of the car and tree poured a load of Christmas presents. I knew my “father” was also “Santa” and we were all excited for his return. Then I said to her, “That was the day he told us he was dying.” I burst into tears. The grief I felt was overwhelming and woke me up.

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Messages

I felt my body jerk as I bolted awake. I cried for a bit, the grief still intense. The confusion remained for sometime upon waking. It is now apparent to me that I was not myself, I was some “other” version, a very child-like version. The woman from the dream was with me still as I woke, very close and comforting saying, “We love you. You will be alright. Everything’s alright.” She was very mother-like and her energy enveloped me and soothed my upset.

The first feeling I had was fear. I was told, “Do not be afraid” more than once. I don’t know what I was afraid of exactly but it felt like the dream was real, that I was being relocated to this place in the eastern U.S. It felt soon, like tomorrow, and the urge to go to this place, wherever it was, was strong and scared me all the more.

At some point I was reminded to “take control” of this other version, to not become victim of the fear that was there and to be the Observer. As I did this, the dream and it’s meaning became clear.

The “school” and repeating classes was very obviously karma. I have taken the classes numerous times, passed them and even “graduated” but keep coming back to repeat them over and over. The other “teachers” are my Council. There were 8 plus the woman, so 9 total. I knew that I was a “teacher”, too, but for some reason I had agreed to come to the Earth school and be the student. My Council is a group of my peers. My friends and colleagues. We support one another.

I heard the woman say to me, “Remember” and I did, though it is hard to say in words what I recalled. I remembered volunteering to come here, choosing the student role despite already having mastered the courses I would be taking. It felt like I had gotten caught up in karma and was finally “waking up” from a lifetime of amnesia.

The fear was coming from the “change” I sensed ahead of me. It felt as if I was to throw out everything I had built in this lifetime and step into the life I was meant to live. It’s not that this new life is bad, it’s more that I sensed the difficulty of the path ahead. I was asked if I wanted to be a “teacher” and I eagerly accepted. What does that mean exactly? I’m not sure, but there were connections made between my current lifetime and my mission here. Everything correlates. I could see the symbolism in this lifetime much like I see the symbolism of all my dreams. The dream became the reality and the reality became the dream. It’s like all this time I have been dreaming, trying to Remember, and that memory manifested in my physical life.

I eventually shifted to the dream and the memory behind it. In recalling the dream, I settled on the part where I saw the fiery car land in the trees and distribute presents. I knew this meant I was to receive “gifts” and my thought went to the last “gift” I received. I heard my guide say, “The gift that keeps on giving.” I knew what they were referring to. Then I thought of the feeling that work me up. I don’t know why I felt so much grief from knowing my father was going to die. The emotion did not match yet it was very real.

I got other messages. Protection was again stressed. Then I saw more than once 111. The last time I saw the number it was in a sequence: 111-111-5-13

The last thing I heard was, “Five more days.”

I’ve been feeling extremely Homesick all morning.

 

 

 

 

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Dream: Fire With Fire

I had an interesting evening yesterday. One of my husband’s old school buddies visited from California and all three of us had an enjoyable conversation on various subjects. He was very interested in my spiritual experiences and abilities, asking tons of questions. I had been struggling to talk early on in the conversation because of my throat and congestion. However, the frog in my throat cleared as the conversation progressed and eventually I felt completely well and clear. He put me on the spot, asking me to give him a reading right there in my kitchen. It completely threw me and I got super nervous. I swear the heater turned on in the house. lol

Eventually I agreed and did give him a short reading but it was an unusual one because both my husband and his friend would interject here and there with a story or experience of their own. I was only able to read his spiritual and physical aura and give him an impression I received from Spirit. Everything I told him he validated, though, and he seemed genuinely impressed with my ability.

What is really funny is that this friend called my husband out about our differing belief systems. He said, “I wonder how you two get along with her being so free-flowing.” He had difficulty believing that my husband would be affiliated with religion and dogma. I was silently laughing the whole time because my husband and I have had many conversations on the topic with little or no progress made. My husband always defends himself but to his friend he was silent and contemplative. Also to hear someone describe me as “free flowing” surprised me, not because I’m not but because I don’t think anyone has expressed this as their first impression of me. I was flattered. 🙂

His friend had many questions on why I stopped giving readings. He told me several times that I should start up again rather than suppress my abilities. Again, my husband was silent.

His background and appearance threw me. He works in international trade, speaks three languages, lived in Sweden most of his life, and had a very professional appearance. Yet it was obvious straight away there was much more to him than that. Interestingly, he is a Capricorn (had to throw that in). I’ve not met many other than my middle son and it was intriguing to feel out his energy – very forward speaking, intelligent and hard working while also giving and obviously heart-led. His divorce had just finalized and he was grieving still. He said he decided to avoid the dating scene because he found single women his age (my age, too) to be very cynical. He did ask me what I saw for him regarding a romantic partner. Before he completed his sentence I had his answer. I love how that works!

When he left I felt my energy shift. I definitely received the message to stop blocking my abilities loud and clear. He also offered to help me get my book published. He is writing his own and has tons of connections.

Dream: Fire With Fire

I struggled to fall asleep because as soon as I was in bed my congestion returned and I couldn’t breathe. Grrr! It was well after midnight before I managed to drift off.

I had a vivid dream that began with me talking with a man about WWII. Specifically, we were discussing a Japanese man and his family relations. I can’t recall the specifics now but I remember this man was very anti-American and his energy was resistant, almost angry. There was discussion about him “commanding a war” but it was with family not nations. The entire discussion had a deeply personal feel to it.

Strangely, I remember speaking another language during this discussion. I am not sure what language but it sounded Germanic.

The next thing I recall is being at a bus station on the platform with several groups of people. I was with one group who I considered my family but I did not recognize any of them as my physical family. There were three blue school buses (about to embark on important life journey) expected but my group was late to the platform and missed them (feeling left behind). Another group was waiting there and the bus just passed them by. A man from the other group told us not to worry, that the bus would pick us up on the way back.

I had forgotten to take a snack for my journey so went to the store. Inside the store I ran into a man who I recognized. I mentioned I didn’t have time and he told me he would buy my things for me. I picked up a bag of potato chips (over indulgence) and handed them to him. I tried to hand him my money and he wouldn’t take it saying he would pay. I remember he had $13.54.

At the platform the man handed me my potato chips and some other things. I divided everything up. He took a four pack of tomato soup (domestic harmony) and had bought me some antiperspirant (nervousness perhaps?) with the words “Wonder Woman” written on it (message to have courage). lol I thanked him and thought him quite the gentleman.

This is when the dream gets more lucid. There was a definite energy between myself and this “stranger”. We had a relationship unlike any I have ever had in this lifetime. It was a strong friendship but there was something else, too, something extraordinary in our bond. We seemed to like to argue in jest, pushing each other’s buttons playfully. I remember us discussing getting on the bus and knowing that doing so would lead us to challenges. He actually outright challenged me, asking me if I was “ready” and suggesting that I was a wuss. lol I challenged him in return. I believe he said, “I dare you.” I replied with, “I double dare you.” And he said, “I triple dare you.” LOL In the end he won, of course, but only because I let him. 🙂

This is when I really saw him clearly. Prior to this he was just a man with dark hair who knew how to treat a lady and make her feel special (which impressed me and won me over). I remember finding him quite handsome and beautiful. I focused in on his mouth for some reason and said something I can’t recall now, something playful. I noticed his lips (communication) were sealed with clear tape (limitation). I pulled it off. I remember hearing it as it came off and seeing his brilliant smile when his lips were freed. We were laughing really hard about something and I was filled with this amazing feeling. I have only felt it once before, in a dream earlier this year. It does not radiate from the heart center but the feeling is similar. This feeling is all-over from head to toe. I remember it as pure joy. It was like I was overflowing in joy and excitement. There was a deep, abiding love, too. Whoever he is, I loved him so much I was bursting. The word I would use to describe him is “fun” and he was inviting me to have fun with him, to “play” with him. It felt like we had tons of fun together often and that he was my partner in crime. Hahaha I suspect we get into lots of mischief together.

Then I was seeing him close up again and he was so familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time. He was radiant and his smile blew me away. In fact, his lips and the feeling that came with seeing him smile was what woke me up. When I woke up I was tingling with an all-over energy and pure joy. I said to my guidance, “He’s HOT!” lol But the “hot” was not in reference to anything sexual. When our energies mingled like they were in this dream there was a raging fire ignited. And OMG what a feeling! It was like we energized one another; like he added to me and I added to him and what resulted was pure perfection. I remember thinking, “He’s Fire. I’m Fire. Fire with Fire.” Even now just the memory of the feeling makes me so perfectly happy and fills me with optimism and excitement.

I said to my guides, “I want to meet him.” Yet I was not sure who exactly he was. I had an idea but the feeling from our dream meeting was so unlike other times that I was not/am not certain. But then that seems to be how this works anyway – always a mystery. I will say that his energy when mixed with mine changes me. It pulls out of me my True Self, brings it to the forefront. I see life as exciting and full of possibility. I want to “play the game” and enjoy a good challenge.

I am still wondering about the taped lips. Is this a message that he has finally found his voice? Or is this a message that I have found mine? It seems significant nonetheless.

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Dream: It is Written

It took me a while to fall back to sleep. I was too energized from the dream. Once I did fall asleep I was discussing a book (knowledge) that contained within it a prophecy (guidance). I was telling a woman her future but at the same time it was my future. I would shift into this woman and then back to myself over and over. I read from the book what was to come for the woman. She would ask questions and I would answer them. The dream was somewhat confusing because I would shift into different scenes as I read from the book.

In one scene I went into a gym (apply knowledge) but all the gym equipment, weights and cardio machines, were gone. All that was there was a jump rope (coordinate, make plans) laying on the floor. I picked it up and began to use it and suddenly there were two people holding the ends and I was jumping in the middle. There was a discussion about how I didn’t need to do this anymore. What “this” was I am not sure but the jump rope disappeared and then I was standing in front of the woman and talking to her about her future.

A man appeared in front of her. I was telling her that she already knew the man and that they were meant to be together. The woman was dark haired and the man was fair haired. Then I was giving the man vitamins and supplements (need to strengthen one’s willpower; stand up for self) and he was asking questions about it. The woman was nervous, telling me she was unsure about the prophecy from the book. I was encouraging her, telling her that it would all work out.

The dream gets fuzzy here but I remember seeing the number 38 and also having a mirror put in front of my face more than once. The mirror is very prominent in my memory actually. I also saw what I knew were soul “pods” or families but they looked like blue spirals inside of circles or miniature galaxies. I also saw dolphins, but I think this was to remind me of what a “pod” is.

Considerations

Despite still being sick I am still energized and hopeful from the first dream. I wish I could have dreams like that every night. Upon waking there was a feeling of “fate” that was quite profound. The feeling of excitement at what is to come still lingers. I don’t know, though, if what is coming is something to anticipate or dread based upon the dream. If I am excited about a “challenge” then there is no telling what kind of challenge is ahead of me (us). It could be something the human me does not like.

The song, Afterlife, was also going through my mind upon waking – “You and me, we got this. You and me we’re beautiful, beautiful.”

 

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Three Dreams and Messages

I had some interesting dreams and messages that I want to document.

Dream: Family Reunion

I was with my “cousin” and there was some serious conversation going on. I remember being in my childhood bedroom and seeing him standing there. His face was shifty as was his overall appearance. Sometimes he looked fair haired and other times dark haired. I kept confusing him for my actual cousin, but in reality he was just “family” of the soul kind. There was some resistance on my part at being in the situation. It felt like I was being asked to “allow” and “reconnect” with him but him being “family” caused internal conflict. In the end I succumbed and we embraced and kissed. I felt huge relief once I allowed and accepted our connection. All in all, it seemed like the internal conflict stemmed from my human conditioning. I was resistant to close family relations of the romantic sort yet when I finally allowed it, the feeling was not romantic at all but more a deeply loving friendship.

Dream: Renovations

In this dream I was walking the hallway of a dorm-type (learning) housing until. The hallway was larger than any I have ever been in, though. My room number was 74 (adds up to 11) and I kept forgetting it and having to be reminded of it. I also lost track of my keys (fear of losing control) on the way to class and when I went back to retrieve them found my dorm/apartment was unlocked. When I went inside someone had completely remodeled (change) it. I felt an unfamiliar energy inside, one that felt dark to me. It was unseen but very present in the space. This energy had remodeled the apartment, installing a huge fish tank (keep feelings in check) with strange, black fish (subconscious insight) inside. Just looking at them made me shiver, though in reality they were just normal fish. I’m not sure why I felt they were “dark”.

The rest of the remodel (life changes) was nice, though, and me and a male friend discussed the changes that were made. I remember there was new trim around the window and I began to take it down only to change my mind and put it back. The more I discussed the changes, the less dark the energy felt and the more helpful it seemed. I remember people kept asking if I was selling the old stuff that had been removed during the remodel. I kept saying no and eventually told a woman she could have the old ceiling fan(change) for $30.

Back inside we were using the new clothes washer (need to resolve past issues). When a button was pushed the thing expanded and looked like a shallow swimming pool (need to deal with emotion). The energy there kept moving things around. I felt unable to stop it from making changes. Eventually I gave in and allowed the changes, even accepting them fully. I jumped into the “pool” that was the washing machine toward the end.

Dream: Familiar Man

This dream was partially lucid. I mainly recall talking to a female friend who had long, dark hair. She and I were discussing a friend of ours. She told me that he was relocating to Austin. The news made me very excited and I was jumping about saying, “He’s moving to Austin! That’s great news! I have lots of past lives with him. You do, too.”

I mainly recall the excitement I was feeling. The images are blurry but there is a distinct memory of what this man looks like. I remember seeing him briefly a few nights ago in dreamtime, too. We were talking but I can’t recall what was said. Seeing him in my near-lucid dream woke me up, though.

Messages and Memory

Before I woke fully, I lingered in the in-between. There were messages coming quickly. The first message was written on the underside of a white bowl in black handwriting. The minute I saw it I protested reading it, telling my guides I didn’t want to know. So I have no idea what it said. The second message was spoken to me. It said, “May through June….pay attention to the changes and your neighbors…..You know you don’t belong there.” Most of the information I did not want to hear and so pushed it out of my head before I could recognize the messages.

A memory came to me out of the blue, though. It was a memory from years ago, around 2012 maybe. I was going home from work but stopped by Walgreens to pick up something. I lingered in my car before leaving. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a car pull into a parking spot a few cars down from me. Something told me to look. It was an odd feeling that sorta pushed me to look actually. So I turned and looked and locked eyes with a man.

My heart fell into my stomach and I began to panic. All kinds of alarms were going off in my mind. The guy was staring at me. At first he looked surprised, startled almost. Then he started to smile. I couldn’t look away but I knew if I didn’t look away he would get out of his car and come talk to me. I did not want that so I looked down at my lap and waited for what seemed like a very long time. My heart pounded the whole time and I thought over and over to him, “Don’t come over here. Don’t come over here.”

When I finally felt it was safe to look up, he was gone. I drove out of that parking lot feeling like something had happened, but I didn’t know what. I just wanted to get home as fast as I could.

When I recalled this memory I remembered what the man looked like. Actually, I have never forgotten what he looked like so it was not difficult to recall. And what is weird is the man in my dream looked just like him.

For a while after that encounter in the parking lot I wondered about it. I knew if I had allowed it something major would have happened. It was just a feeling, one that scared me. My thoughts to my guidance was, “Not now. I can’t. I’m married.” Sound familiar? lol Now to have this dream and memory come one after the other, it seems to indicate that I may be meeting this man again. Ugh. Why?

 

 

 

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Manifest Destiny

Ack! I’ve got a throat on fire this morning and so does my husband. Today we are driving to South Padre, too. The kids are super excited, their energy is so jagged feeling compared to my own. They tend toward more crying fits and arguing when it gets like this. My daughter has yet to go into anxiety/worry mode. She typically fixates on one certain future scene and if it changes even a little she has a melt down. Talk about “fixed” (Taurus). And I thought I was bad! Ha!

I am somewhat excited despite feeling crappy. This is a whole-family event (husband’s side anyway). One thing I can give my husband is that he has an awesome family. They don’t argue and know how to enjoy life and have a good time. My family, on the other hand, would be fighting or in tension mode most if not all of the trip. I would have to be in the ocean all day to avoid them (not a problem!). Also, with all the other family with us, my mommy duties will be lightened substantially. My BIL and SIL who just moved from CA are without children (though SIL is newly pregnant) and they LOVE our kids. I also know my SIL will watch my kids like a hawk. It is such a relief for me to know I have her as backup and don’t have to worry myself silly that one of my kids will drown when my husband is distracted. To know I can withdraw and have time alone on this trip, lay like a lump on the beach even, makes all the hassle and preparation worthwhile.

We rented a three bedroom condo on the beach, something I have only experienced once and that was when I was 13 on the beaches of North Carolina (pristine!). To be able to just walk out the back door and be on the beach is awesome! My kids will be in heaven, no doubt. My BIL and SIL rented an SUV for the drive, too. Another cool thing about my husband’s family – they like to travel in style and abundance tends to follow them.

Dream: Manifest Destiny

On to things of a more spiritual nature.

Despite my sickness I had vivid dreams. First there was one all about protection and circles. I don’t recall much of it now but protection was being emphasized again. Then I was a middle school aged girl in school. My focus was on my friends and socializing. I cared little for my grades. There was a boy I hung out with who I considered my best friend. I only recall now that he had dark hair, was somewhat aloof at times and more quiet than me. Honestly, I think my personality just overshadowed his but there was no irritation on his part. It was just the way we were.

I remember knowing that I was choosing socialization over academics and that this was not my norm. At one point we were sitting together at a table trying to focus on an assignment. We were paired up, working on it together, but neither of us was into doing it. There was a mother and her daughter sitting across from us quite focused on the assignment. I watched them getting the work done rapidly. I knew that if I didn’t do the work, it would not get done. It wasn’t that my partner was stupid, I just knew it wouldn’t get done if I left it up to him. School wasn’t his “thing”. lol

So I began to ask the mother about the assignment. “What are we suppose to do?” She said that we needed to review a book and then describe what was missing/lacking in the details and organization of it. What it came down to was the book had only an index. I said, “Well that’s easy. It needs a Table of Contents and a glossary.” The answer needed to be in essay format so I got to writing it straight away. I remember the mother asking me, “Don’t you want to read the book first?” I said, “No. I know what it says.” Then I began to tell them about it. It was a book about U.S. expansion West. Specifically, it was about Manifest Destiny. I even used that word and specifically tuned into the time when the “West” was not the West we know today but the mid-west U.S. around the Great Lakes. I told them the entire history. There was a particular feeling I had at this time. It was excitement similar to how one feels when they are passionate about a subject. I have always liked history but this was beyond that even. In the dream I knew that I would pass the assignment without issue. In fact, I wrote so much that I ran out of room before I even got to answering the question. lol

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Afterward, my friend and I went to his home and I met his parents. His father was suspicious of me but his mother liked me. I remember talking to his mom about a small object. I asked her if I could have one. The father disapproved of my asking but she smiled and said, “Sure.” She handed me a tiny, see-through heart. I was overjoyed to have received it.

As I was preparing to leave the father insinuated that I would steal one of their cars. lol I did end up driving out in my own car and the dream then meandered from there. I ended up getting assistance on a very steep, downhill path and was worried I would go too fast and lose control.

Messages

I woke with an uncomfortable soreness in my throat. My guidance was talking to me, asking me if I remembered our discussions. I only recalled that protection was needed and soon drifted into the in-between.

While in-between I saw myself inside a jet that at first resembled an airplane. It was sitting on something high up in the sky but not flying. I was told to look at it closely and when I did I realized it had no wings. I heard, “rocket” and then put two and two together. A “rocket” in the “sky” – skyrocket. Ha!

Then I was reminded of all the synchronicities lately. I have been noting them but at this time I was being shown all of them together. Some were songs, some were strange “coincidences” in meetings I’ve been having, some were gut feelings.

For example, you know the song, Hello, by Lionel Richie that I posted a while back? Well I keep hearing it. My kids are into the movie Trolls and that song is in it. The song, The Sound of Silence is also in it right before Hello. When I hear these songs I go into a kind of timeless state. Time stands still and I feel I need to listen. It is a strange kind of dejavu feeling every time and it’s happened twice now. I think I’m falling in love with the song Hello.

I’ve also been catching myself thinking, “I can’t do this” a lot. I stopped and considered what “this” is. What am I so nervous about? Perhaps it is not what I think?

There was also memory of a video I watched recently about knowing ones own future but losing faith along the way when it doesn’t manifest fast enough. I do this often. The video almost made me cry. It was like it was saying, “You KNOW. Stop doubting and just have faith.”

I was reminded how I recently came back into contact with a client from 2004. We’ve been chatting and it turns out the reconnect is not just for her benefit. She has something she can offer me. She even outright wrote, “I believe there’s a reason people CROSS PATHS!!” She then suggested we trade services. I give her mediumship (the group kind) and she refers me to her family business.

The service she can offer caught me off guard. The minute I read what it was, a path opened up to me that wasn’t there before. Just considering the path scares and exhausts me for all the “unknowns”. I am being asked to really be sure of what I want because if I choose this path there is no turning back. What is strange is that I know what to do. It was like instructions fell out of the sky and into my lap. There was a Knowing that sometimes we have to do things we don’t like to get what we want. And the feeling is that this is just the first part. I also know I can hold onto this option, like an ACE up my sleeve, as long as I want. To bide my time and make sure it is a path I wish to travel.

Manifest Destiny. Manifest your Destiny. Gives me goosebumps.

worthiness

Still in the in-between I saw and heard, “Worthiness.” Then I was reminded of something that happened many years ago. The first time I met my husband’s half-sister came to mind. She is a Sagittarius (ha! another sync) and we got along awesome. She heard that I could “see things” and that I was a medium so she sought my advice, asking me for a reading. I gave it to her freely. I had no issues because I hardly knew her. I was able to connect to her deceased father (my FIL) and able to give her answers about some of her questions. Her marriage was on the rocks. She wanted to leave her husband but was afraid of what it would mean for her daughter. So many unknowns and she just needed some guidance. I told her what I saw – her divorce, how the assets would be split, how her daughter would react, etc.

Skip to present day. She did get divorced. In fact everything I told her has come to pass. She had to leave her daughter behind, knowing her daughter would hate her. She remarried and is traveling and fulfilled. Her daughter is now coming around (which I assured her would happen).

All of this came to me because of the word “worthiness”. I knew I was seeing an example of how this can manifest in a person’s life. You have to feel worthy of having the things you want before you can have them. I was being asked if I felt worthy. Do I? Still working on that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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More on the Ego Child

Got sick yesterday. I thought I would be able to avoid the chest cold (okay why did I just type “cost” instead of “cold”?) my two youngest got last weekend. Guess not. Sore throat and congestion with minor headache – yay. I’ve actually had a headache on and off for four days now. I rarely get headaches. Considering my family is suppose to leave tomorrow for South Padre Island (6hr drive), the timing of my sickness is not ideal. Not that I can’t enjoy the beach with congestion but it makes it less comfortable. Now if my husband were to get sick with this cold, well he would be bedridden and the trip would be cancelled. Ha! Men!

The funk I have been in has all be self-imposed. Obviously. It always is. In the middle of the night I awoke and all of the funk and crap had vanished and I felt at ease with life. This is the “real” me. I know this. In fact, this version of “me” is what came out two days ago and sent me into this most recent “tantrum”. What did she do? Oh nothing but be happy with the way things are. She looked ahead at her (my) future, saw the mundaneness of it and thought pleasant thoughts about it. Actually, I will say she felt optimistic and pleased with the entire probable future of the current timeline we occupy.

Yeah, as you can guess I wasn’t having any of that. Hell no. I don’t want “normal”. I want “exciting”. I want to feel ALIVE. The same ol’, same ol’ doesn’t feel like living to me. So I replaced the happy, go-with-the-flow feeling with resistance. I gotta make things interesting, right?

The key thing here is I noticed both me’s and opted for the tantrum-throwing version. This I blame on the testing energy of June. It is so mental that it is easy to jump into old patterns and resistance is one of my top patterns. I just automatically tend to resist if I feel someone or something is imposing their will on me and my life. I’ve been like that all my life. You say yes, I automatically say no. Argumentative. Stubborn. I’ve gotta be the one with the idea. If you got the idea then you better make it seem like I was a part of it. Yeah, sad. I am aware, though. This, thankfully, is me at my worst. I’m not usually so bad but throw in a headache, cold, and three kids fighting and I break under the strain of it all.

This morning I am more agreeable despite the illness. My probable future is not so bad, it is just not exactly what I had hoped for or imagined. But in these moments we have to be willing to experience anything as resistance to any one thing will only delay things. What you resist, persists, you know?

There is a part of me that fears she will never be happy, she will never be in a fulfilling relationship based on real love or be with her soul family or fulfill her purpose. She feels she is being punished. Why should she sacrifice herself, her wants, needs, and desires, for everyone else? When will it be her time? She gets angry when she’s told to wait and in protest rejects her Knowing that she will get what she wants if she would just be patient. The thought of being old, fat, and unattractive bothers her greatly. She feels her remaining youth and health is being wasted. When I focus on her I feel restless, like a child who was told she gets to go to Disney World in a month but every passing day is agony.

It seems that this part of me has to come out, has to have her say, every once in a while. But being her is a miserable experience for me, albeit a learning one. What is most difficult is that I love her and want her to be happy. I want to give her what she wants when she wants it. I feel I am not a good parent. I’m too permissive. Perhaps I should be a more authoritarian parent? Yet, if you are a parent you know that if you give a child an inch they will take a mile. I’ve already given too many inches. The thing is, most of us in human bodies have already given our Ego child many, many inches. You can’t undo that. A friend of mine is opting to give nothing to the Ego child. Any want or desire of the Ego child is off-limits. But if you do that to a child who already has a taste of what they want, it won’t work. You will have outright rebellion of a serious nature at some point. You don’t want to try and beat them into apathy. It doesn’t play out well in the end for either the parent or the child.

We have to listen to the Ego child. The Ego child has a lot to teach us if we take a moment to listen and communicate with him/her. Communicate is the key word here. It’s a give and take relationship that will have the best results.

I am reminded of when I was a child and got in trouble. I often had no idea why I was being punished. This made me quite angry and vengeful. Not good for my mom. lol As an adult we talked about this. I said to her, “If you would have just taken time to talk to me, to tell me what I did wrong and explain things, I would not have gotten so angry and vengeful. I would have still been mad but I would have understood. That is all I needed. That is all I still need.” My mom’s method was get angry, spank, ground me to my room and demand I tell her what I did wrong. For a child who had no idea what she had done, the constant demand to say what I had done wrong caused me to feel I could do nothing right.

This is just me and my Ego child. Your Ego child may be way easier to manage. lol Maybe your parents did talk to you. Maybe you weren’t spanked all the time. Maybe you were lovingly disciplined. Maybe you were heard. I wasn’t. I was the middle child and the scapegoat. If something went wrong, I was immediately blamed. Not that I wasn’t doing bad things, oh I was, but I often was blamed when I had done nothing wrong. The pre-dominating feeling during my childhood was, “No one loves me” followed by, “No one wants me”.  Those feelings are what has to be confronted and handled now, just by me, not my parents.

Just know that whatever you did as a child, your Ego child will still do. It was life-saving at the time. If you closed off your heart then and it worked then closing off your heart now will be the go-to method of survival. If anger and revenge served their purpose then, it will be the go-to now. If you decided no one loved you then, well it will happen now, too.

It goes the same with what worked to make you happy and cooperative. If you liked love and cuddles as a child (who didn’t?) then that is what you really want now, too. If you enjoyed being praised and congratulated on your accomplishments, then that is what you want now, too. Think about the times you felt loved and cherished. What did your parents or others do to make you feel that way? This is what you give yourself now. This is the key to pacifying to Ego child.

The Ego child is not going away. It will not be subdued by force but through loving acceptance. It will come out and throw its tantrums. Sometimes it will take over. This doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you need to listen. Let him/her make their list of demands. Help them feel heard. Let them know they will have what they most desire and you will do everything in your power to make it so. But also let them know they will also have to do their part. Cooperation is key.

Music Messages

Now that we have all that covered (lol), I will share two songs that came to me this morning after a series of strange dreams.

Ho Hey, the Lumineers – “I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweetheart”. My Companion always calls me, “Sweetheart.” ❤

Followed by Renegades by the X Ambassadors – “Hey, hey, hey, living like we’re renegades.”

The songs didn’t mean much to me when I woke up hearing them really. Now, though, I am reminded that the real me, the me at the core of this personality in this lifetime, can also be found in the Ego child. The distinguishing characteristics of our core personality can be found in those things we did as a child that brought us joy. Not just the actions or hobbies, but also the underlying creative spark, our inner soul drive, can be found in those happy moments of childhood.

Here are the most obvious ones for me that come to mind:

Adventurer – I was always exploring. If it had a fence, I went over it, even if it was private property and I was not allowed. I would spend the entire day out exploring vacant lots, fields, the 52 acres at my grandparent’s. If there was an abandoned house, I went inside it. If the house wasn’t abandoned and unlocked, I would even go in to explore (I did this very rarely). This, BTW, is also how I am when OOB. LOL

Nature lover – I was always outside, rain permitting and sometimes even dancing or swimming in the rain. My favorite things to do? Fish, swim, hunt for crawdads in the mud, climb trees, find lost or stray animals and bring them home (lol), ride my bike, explore (see above). This later extended to hunting and camping but I learned I didn’t like hunting.

Fearless – goes with the two above. I didn’t care if I was caught or got hurt. Many times I should have been hurt, but wasn’t. This also applied to speaking my mind.

Artistic/Creative – I loved to draw and make up stories. If I wasn’t outside I had out paper and pencil and drew horses and unicorns, imagining entire stories in my mind as I drew. I also use to sing and dance around the house or outside, making up song and just feeling carefree.

Curious/Inquisitive – I loved to learn and try new things. I got bored easily so having many things going on at once kept me busy and interested. I was always asking “Why?” lol I wanted to know how things worked and would often watch my dad work on the engines of his cars and ask him questions, even help him.

Social/Bold – I always had a band of friends and I was the leader. If they questioned my leadership I was bossy and mean until they stopped questioning it or went away. I didn’t care if they liked me really, I just liked being in charge. Other kids just flocked to me without me having to do anything. This sometimes irritated me, though, as I also had a loner aspect, a wild independence that did not like to be slowed down by others. Most of my friends were boys. I use to make the girls cry (sigh lol).

Loving – I was generous with my love but if I felt my love was rejected I shut down to that person. Very possessive of those I loved. I wanted to be the only child so that I was the only one my mom loved. Early on I gave my love openly and without restraint but wanted to be loved the same in return. This was rare, though.

Intuitive – I had vivid dreams early on and could sense the feelings and true nature of other people keenly. I could foresee the future even then but it often made me fearful. Spoke with an imaginary friend until I was 3 and recall conversations with my guidance at an early age.

The key is taking these core attributes that were present when we were children and bringing them back into balance with who we have become as adults. We have to stop suppressing them and allow them to shine through.

 

 

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The Hanged Man

The meaning of something I was told in the in-between yesterday morning came to me suddenly this afternoon.  This is what I saw/heard yesterday: “I remember hearing, ‘We will come get you.’ along with an image of me hanging upside down by a rope attached to one of my feet.”

So this afternoon I remembered this particular message and instantly knew it was a tarot card. At first I thought it was the Fool card, but it was soon obvious it was the Hanged Man card. This all came while I was thinking about nothing in particular. Quite weird, really.

I’m not going to go into detail about what it means other than to sum it up with – Let go. Surrender. Yeah, the same ol’ message.

Here is a good summary:

The Hanged Man has put himself in this position and there is no way he can win. And yet, that halo lets us know that he may be about to claim a sizable victory. He was not attacked, nor forced to be where he is, nothing is disheveled besides his hair hanging down due to simple gravity. With his hidden hands, he is not letting us see his manipulation of the situation. His bent leg indicates that he is getting quite comfortable being helpless.

…..If The Hanged Man represents you in your reading, you are being advised by the Tarot deck to surrender, to change course or to let the universe solve a situation without your input.

Guess I’m enjoying “hanging around” and my “friends” got a good laugh out of it saying they would come get me. Sure they will. Ha!