Category Archives: Messages

by

Safety is an Illusion

My guides were talking to me again last night. This time it came from me wondering about an off feeling I was having. I couldn’t put my finger on it and as my mind drifted to how my life had had fallen apart in such a short amount of time. The song “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down” was on my mind weeks prior, specifically the part, “But losing everything feels like the sun going down on me”. I wondered back then what I would lose, well I know now. 

Back during my heart connection days the same message came through but was with the house of cards symbolism repeating. Funny enough, the house of cards message recently reappeared. I also recently heard from my guidance, “Life is fragile”. I took from these reminders, along with others I will not mention now because of how numerous they are, that safety is an illusion and we build up our lives in a certain way so that it feels and appears safe. In this illusory safety we live out our lives happily unaware of just how easily it could all fall apart.

I am especially guilty of attempting to guarantee some sense of safety in my life. I struggle with uncertainty, but the reality is the only thing that is certain is death. The rest is akin to an imaginary safety net we alone are responsible for constructing.

All of these thoughts resulted in me recognizing how I created the exact situation I am experiencing now out of a desperate attempt to feel safe. I constructed my life, from my marriage to my job to my choice of friends and acquaintances, in an attempt to feel some semblance of safety. I lived a life that was not mine. I chose to become someone who fit into another’s life because that other seemed to have what I did not – safety, acceptance, purpose, love. I did this with all my relationships and it dictated the path I took in life and led me to exactly this place. A place of uncertainty and confusion brought on by the sudden implosion of everything my identity was build upon. 

Interesting enough, this path, the crumbling of my false self, was set in motion in 2016 but I chickened out and reverted to the only safety I’d ever known. The result was another ten years pretending I did the right thing even though my entire Being screamed otherwise. I opted to continue on despite the discomfort and that discomfort slowly turned into intolerance to the point of bitterness. I began to imagine my life as it is now. I didn’t recognize the potency of my intention at that time.

The loss was unbearable at first and the confusion extreme. This excerpt from the book, “While You are Healing” says it well:

the pure confusion
of loving someone who hurt you.
of wanting them to return to you,
but feeling relief when they don’t. 

But back to the conversation with my guidance…..

I had been thinking of how all those who I considered loved me, did not. All those who I considered family, never were. All those I considered friend turned on a dime. I recognized how none of this would have been so bad had I not chosen to alienate my Self for a sense of belonging and safety from a group I never once felt invited into. Instead, I attempted to invite myself. They only tolerated me because I was aligned with someone that was their family. When that someone rejected me, so too did they. 

I saw how this is my pattern. I heard, “How did that go?” The answer was me mentally rolling my eyes. I was asked if I had ever paved my own path. At first I thought I had not. No…but then I had. Prior to meeting my current husband I had. I was traveling a path I alone created. Doing what was best for me. I was working a full-time job, in the process of building my own house on family land, and, most importantly, actively following my life’s passion to help people via my psychic medium business. 

What had happened? Why did I stop? 

I met my second husband and slowly traded my identity for one more palatable to him and his family. I did this willingly. 

Why?

It was easier than following my own path. His path was safer because I could see it more clearly. My own path was cloudy and uncertain. I didn’t feel good enough nor was I brave enough to venture into the unknown. I had also tired of being alone. 

My guidance asked me how I felt when I followed my own path. Empowered. Successful. Excited. But also afraid and unsure of myself and extremely lonely. 

My guidance asked how I felt when I followed another’s path. Bitter, depressed, unhappy. But also secure and more certain. Although I wasn’t physically alone, I still felt alone.

My mind was taken to the present. Yesterday I applied to the local school district hoping to substitute teach or perhaps go back to school counseling. Why? I want the security of a job and to be closer to my children. 

But is this a decision made from Knowing that it is the right one? Or is it a decision made from a place of fear?

The second most definitely. 

Why choose it then?

Because the first is an unknown. I do not know what the right path is. It is cloudy and uncertain. I don’t like that. The other path is clear. I know what to expect and how it will play out. 

How has that worked out for you so far?

Mental eye roll again.

Perhaps it is time to be the leader of your own life rather than a follower of another’s?

I eventually accepted this message and fell asleep.

Dream: Circular Path

The dream began with me lounging around in my bed wearing pajamas, snacking and watching TV. I suddenly saw the time and knew I was super late to a wedding. The wedding was for three couples. I distinctly saw them in my mind as one from the past, one from the present and one from the future. 

I jumped up and began to ready myself, pulling on my formal attire and deciding not to bother with makeup or hair. I began to make my way to my car and realized I wouldn’t make it. I only had 4 minutes and the distance I had to travel was far. I decided to call and tell them I wasn’t coming. My mom answered. I apologized for my latelness and told her there was no way I could make it. She answered that everyone else was late, too, and they would wait for me. She was calm and loving in her response which eased my anxiety. 

As I reversed out of my driveway I went a bit too far. I recognized my mistake too late. It was muddy and I was likely to get stuck. Instead I felt an impact and was stopped by something that I imagined was a fence. I jumped out of the car to check the damage. Sure enough I had hit something and it was tall. It had busted out the back corner window. I noted the damage on my brand new car but shrugged it off as not being “that bad”. I got back in the car and attempted to drive. The car spun in circles and wouldn’t go straight. I got back out and flipped the car over to get to the tires. One back tire had a small, metal piece that was stuck. I unstuck it and spun the tire. It spun straight. I got back in and drove away.

I woke and immediately knew the symbolism. I was being shown my past and how I make the same decision, a decision to choose another’s path over my own, over and over again. The result it no movement forward on my own path. Instead I am stuck. In the dream I fix the tire and can finally go forward. So, I am aware now that I need to make different decisions and have the courage to follow my own path even though it is cloudy and uncertain. 

Safety is an illusion. The sooner I accept this, the better.

by

Message: All it Takes is a Spark

I had a dream that was fairly long and detailed, though I can’t recall the conversations in it much. The man in it reminded me first of one person and then of another but I distinctly recall looking at his face and it was an oval, golden globe of moving light. He was also very tall, towering over me, and completely naked (I think I was, too). Funny enough, I can’t remember if his body was also made of light. lol

We were in a bedroom discussing my life and he was asking me questions, which I happily answered. I WISH I could remember the conversation! Anyway, I remember mentioning eating chicken breast and talking about how much I enjoyed keeping my body active and healthy. I was in a very good mood and super comfortable with him, laughing and talking a million miles a minute. He remained calm, listening intently, and told me how fascinated he was with me. He told me, “You’re amazing” or something close to that. I told him he was, too, and hugged him, wrapping my arms around his neck joyfully. We hugged a long time and I sensed from him sadness connected to a belief he wasn’t good enough. Recognizing myself in him, I began to kiss him on his neck to reassure him that he was and always will be enough. He put his hand on my back and stroked my shoulder lovingly. I could feel from him that he had genuine love and appreciation for all that I am.  His touch sent chills down my spine, spreading into my root and expanding outward. The energy of it woke me. 

I was immediately upset that I woke from the dream. Why must I always wake up when it starts getting good!? A male guide was close, reassuring me. He told me what I experienced in the dream was a good thing and asked me why I avoided it. I told him I felt it led to bad things and I prefer to not experience pain, hurt, and disappointment. I was recalling the two Kundalini connections I’ve had and how they both led to disappointment and immense pain, the first much more than the second. I was reminded that what I felt was the energy of creation. To feel it is to feel ALIVE. I agreed and would love to feel it again, but not if it isn’t consistent and no lasting relationship comes of it. My experiences with it have made me very wary of K connections. Yet, I wish to totally lose myself to another, to come into complete Union. I don’t understand it.

I’ve only seen a golden man like in this dream one other time and it was also tied to the Kundalini. He was teaching me. I think he said he was my “tantra teacher”. At the time, though, I just saw him in the corner of the room, standing and looking back at me. The sight of him woke me immediately because it was so unusual. This time seeing him like that didn’t cause any reaction, I just remembered it vividly when I woke. The most vivid part is how the golden energy moved, little tiny sparks of light like golden fireflies trapped in a jar.

My guide told me, “All it takes is a spark”. Then I was shown a vision of how my energy body would slowly catch fire and not long after be engulfed in flames. I didn’t reject this at all as it seems it is always some catalyst that creates this response in me. I tend to have no control over who does it or when it happens. It takes me by complete surprise. 

It felt like my guide was showing me a glimpse of my future. If so, I’m not totally against it happening but it needs to be correct for me. I’m not looking for marriage or a traditional relationship. I don’t even think a live-in situation would work for me. I can’t deal with expectation weighing me down. I don’t want to deal with another man child, or be constantly pursued for sex, as if that is my only value. Above all, though, I need to feel absolutely safe with whoever it is.

by

Hummingbird

I spent several days out a my new abode – alone. The solitude was much needed. I’ve been experiencing sleep difficulties again and high blood pressure (yikes!). My BP is averaging 140/90+, the bottom number being the most volatile, sometimes going up to 107! My Dr. isn’t concerned because it comes down when I am calm, but I am not calm very often these days. Stress is the culprit, thus my retreat away from everyone and everything for a few days.

Ample sleep was gotten as was plenty of slow, stress-free time alone. I have a sleep number bed that tells me how well I sleep with a range from 1-100, 100 being the best sleep ever. My numbers are usually in the low 70s and high 60s. For three nights my numbers were in the 80s! Yay!

I took a ton of walks and did some breathing meditations. I’ve been exploring Buddhist practices, starting with short, mindfulness meditations. I haven’t gone past 5 minutes yet, but am working on it. I think my guidance approves because I got a message yesterday morning upon waking, “Purpose is in the moment.” It is indeed.

Hummingbird

Two days into my retreat I was in the kitchen cleaning up some dishes when I noticed a hummingbird flying around with something in her mouth. I had never seen a hummingbird do that so I paid closer attention. It wasn’t long before I saw her going back to the same place on a tree. A tiny crook at the end of a twig. I went outside to look closer and saw what looked like a bunch of moss stuck on the twig. The hummingbird buzzed my head as I thought, “She’s making a nest!”

As the day progressed, I checked on her progress periodically. By the end of the day she had a thimble sized nest and I took the opportunity during a passing thunderstorm to sit outside with my camera to take pictures and video (you can hear the thunder on the video). She was not very afraid of me so I was able to get pretty close, about 10ft away, which allowed me to zoom in really close.

Honestly, I was fascinated and appreciative that she would choose to share with me such a private part of her tiny life. Just writing about it makes me emotional for some reason. The pictures and video don’t come close to how beautiful she and her tiny nest are.

I plan to keep a watch over the nest in the coming weeks. I can’t wait to see tiny eggs and, hopefully, babies. I may even take a feeder out just so she has some nourishment close by during the hellishly hot summer days.

Below are some pictures of mama hummingbird. Here is a link to a video from my YouTube channel. Please forgive the shiftiness of the video. My camera is designed to prioritize photos, not video. I need to get a tripod and set it up on my back porch with my camera aimed at the nest. 🙂

While in the midst of taking videos of mama hummingbird I noticed a magnificent rainbow arching across the sky. It remained for nearly the entire time I was outside observing her. Such a blessing!

Hummingbird Totem

“Hummingbird as a spirit animal represents flexibility (our ability to accept and implement change), lightheartedness, and joy. Other associations shared by these Lightworkers include remaining present, freedom, awakening happiness and hope, a lightness of spirit, quick responses, reversing melancholy, tirelessness, and fortitude”. Source

It seems to me hummingbird is a further reminder to me that it is of utmost importance for me to continue taking time to myself, enjoying the solitude of my new home and all the blessings of nature and life. Mindfulness meditation and staying present in the moment go hand-in-hand with her message as well.

Thank you hummingbird, I hear you!

Some photos of my weekend. Hopefully they lift your spirit like they did mine. The colors of the sunset after the rain – breathtaking!

by

Dream: Mensa

I was in a room with others sitting at a long table. It was somewhat cramped and there was a sense of anticipation, similar to the feeling one gets before the first day of school. 

It was soon made clear we were there to choose our classes for the upcoming school year. I was a bit discourage because I knew I had already graduated – long ago. Still, I listened, considering how it may be useful and help me relieve boredom. They asked me if I wanted to take regular or advances classes. I said, “I will get bored in a regular class…but then I will also get bored in an advanced one.” Sighing, I finally opted to go with the advances courses because the regular ones would be way to slow for me.

I received my class schedule. I saw my first three classes: Algebra, Biology and History. I was not excited about Biology because of my previous experiences. I took my schedule and started off to class. 

The school was enormous! It had a massive central area with stairs going up and down in all directions and there was a massive skylight overhead. There were hundreds of students with backpacks and bags hurrying to their respective classes. I had a guide with me, an older woman with blonde, gray-tinged hair she wore short. I gave her my schedule and pointed to the room number which was a range rather than a number. I just remember the “800”. She said, “That’s downstairs, two flights.” We walked toward the stairs but then stopped at a cafe. She left me there and I waited for her to return. For some reason I chewed on my schedule so that when it was unreadable. I remember pulling it out when she returned and attempting to unfold it. Pieces fell to the ground. It reminded me of how paper looks after it has been laundered.

Then we were downstairs. The women led me to the door of a classroom. She bid me farewell and left me there standing in line with other students. I soon realized it was not the right classroom but without my schedule I couldn’t be 100% sure. I began to look around wondering where I needed to go and thinking it didn’t really matter. I could just skip school and do my own thing being I already graduated. 

A tall, slender man approached and told me I had been selected to be a part of a special group of students. He led me to a room where there were other students. I thought the group was called mensa but when I spoke the word aloud he corrected me on the name but I can’t recall now what he corrected it to. He explained to me and the group that we were selected for our abilities. We all followed him up a staircase as he explained further but he stopped mid-step and touched his neck. I knew he was in pain and instinctively went up to him and placed my hand on his neck as if in pain. I asked permission to heal him and so did. He thanked me and told the others that they all had similar abilities, thus the invitation to the group. Some of the others looked doubtful. I told them I’d had my gifts from birth but forgot about them when school aged. Maybe they also forgot?

The end of the dream is hazy. I remember going into a room with the others and stopping myself from saying certain things, things that would reveal I had already graduated. I didn’t want the others to know. At the end, an alarm went off so that we all had to leave quickly. 

Considerations

I think the dream is in response to my thoughts when I woke briefly in the night. I was disappointed at having no dream recall and felt somewhat depressed, missing the days when information was often passed onto me via my dreams. 

The dream theme of returning to school after already graduating is a common one for me. I haven’t had a school themed dream in a while. This one is promising I think. 

The word mensa is curious here. Mensa is an organization of high IQ people but the word itself means “flat” or “table” such as “a central alter or table”. It is also the name of a constellation. It could be that I was thinking of this word in relation to my being in my last learning stage of life but I really don’t know.

The part about me hiding my previous graduation from the others is likely a reflection of how I tend to hide my true self from others. I keep my guard up and don’t let anyone get too close. I’ve embarrassed myself one too many times.

by

Dream: Alaska

Vivid dreams again. 

The first dream was of me and my best friend from HS. We were walking outside at night and she was being like she was in HS – very dismissive. I was telling her that I liked how she was when she was dating her boyfriend and also how she use to make up stories and songs, etc. She replied nastily that she hated when she was like that. 

What I recall the most was how I was trying to persuade her to still be that person and, as a result, my friend. 

I don’t remember much else from that dream.

Dream: Alaska

I was sitting at a long, rectangular table with others (my council). Somehow I knew I was in Alaska (cold, desolate, isolated). The people with me appeared to be native Alaskans (teachers), all except me. One of them asked me if I would be interested in teaching in Alaska at their school. I said only if I got to leave when it got cold and the long, dark days took over. In my mind I was thinking the month of October.

A woman approached me to serve me some food. She had a casserole dish with what reminded me of enchiladas except the enchiladas were twice the size they should be. I asked what it was and she said “grubs” (negative thoughts/emotion/experience). Carefully inspecting the large, stuffed, white, tubular grubs, I was immediately grossed out and politely told her I didn’t eat such things. There was another dish that was obviously some kind of shredded beef (happy times) and I pointed to it saying I could eat that.

They told me the class they wanted me to teach was economics. I thought about it and was uncertain if I should teach a class I’ve never taught. I was asked about my financial situation. I told them it was not an issue and “much better than last time”, which I felt relief in saying. They seemed happy to hear this. I remember being very thoughtful about the situation of becoming a teacher in Alaska. I had thoughts of the last time I was there and considered living through the harsh winter again because it suddenly seemed not so bad in hindsight.

Finally, I noticed everyone looking in my direction, their plates empty. Then a fork full of food was shoved in my face. I pushed it away. Then they all began to shove forks full of food into my mouth. I stood up and said, “I can’t eat that much! Look at me.” They looked as I turned sideways for them to see. “I’m skinny. I can’t digest that much all at once.” The forks of food stopped and their faces showed understanding.

This is where the dream ended. 

Considerations

When I woke I lingered, my thoughts immediately going to the dream with my friend from HS. Many memories of how she treated me came forward. These memories have come forward to inspect many times before. I was able to see just how shocked I really was by the mistreatment. She was very dismissive and at times even mocked me in front of her groupies while I responded without upset as if deserving of her mistreatment. I realized, after all the memories had passed, that she didn’t have the courage to just tell me she didn’t want to be friends anymore. Instead, she chose to mistreat me and hopefully I would get the message. I only got the message after we graduated and she dissed me at the college we both decided to attend together. By that point it was crystal clear she wanted nothing to do with me.

I was able to observe enough through the memories to realize that she was the last person I had actually been myself with, fully vulnerable and open. After her mistreatment, I withdrew into myself, constructing walls around myself to protect myself from harm. 

I was also able to see that my effect upon people, then and even now, caused major discomfort. Why? Because I can see straight into their very Being (Projector) and most are not comfortable with themselves, much less someone who can see the very flaws they are trying to hide. It is a select few who can accept me – thus, accept themselves. 

The feeling when this happens is hard to describe but I touched upon it with each memory of rejection. I feel uncomfortable (their discomfort), and awkward (their awkwardness) and then want to retreat as far as I can away from them (they want to get away from me). Other times I feel upset or anger – the emotion varies depending on the person. My almost completely open design (HD) causes me to mistakenly think that what I am feeling is all me. It isn’t. It is them. Their rejection is a rejection of themselves. 

I tried to return to sleep, but couldn’t. I had become upset by all the memories, especially the rejection by my friend from HS. I know now why I didn’t get angry or vengeful or bitter when she rejected me. I knew her treatment of me was a reflection of her own inner struggle and I loved her enough to allow her to go through it, even if it meant I would be hurt in the end. She confirmed my Knowing in an apology to me much later, when in our twenties. 

The most upsetting was thinking just how seldom I meet someone and feel completely comfortable and at ease. It is extremely rare. I began to cry considering how difficult it has been to have that effect on people. Now that I am older, I no longer try to hide what I see inside people. I just let it show all over my face and reject them before they can reject me. I carry with me the message “leave me alone” and it is purposeful. I would rather just….not.

With this, my guidance sent me a vision. It was complete darkness and at the very end, as if a tunnel, was a tiny, extremely bright, white light. I heard, “Look for the light.” I knew this was a suggestion that instead of being overwhelmed by the darkness of the people I encounter to look for their light. They all have it. This is how I use to be, back before this world turned me cynical and bitter. 

Or it could be a message to look for the light in general.

As for the Alaska dream, I think it is symbolic of the time I actually lived in Alaska and the dark, cold winters I hated while there. It was pretty bad and the only time I actually really considered suicide. Like another recent dream, there was a rectangular table which I’ve come to recognize as my council. If my council is around it means a critical situation is at hand. The grubs for food are symbolic of some issue or negative emotion(s) I am rejecting. Me teaching is likely my council reminding me of lessons I have or have had. Economics is probably symbolic of my financial state and a lesson to be learned there as well. The force feeding could be that I feel overwhelmed. As a result, I ask for more time to “digest”. 

The shredded beef dish in the meal symbolizes positive thoughts and dreams, happiness and contentedness. Of course, who wouldn’t want that to eat?

by

Snakes and Skeletons

I’ve had several snake encounters lately. It could just be the time of year but I can’t help but take notice.

Snakes for me equal the Kundalini. I wish I could say I had some Kundalini experiences to report, but I don’t. Nothing for a while and if I do have any inklings of the K, they are mild in comparison to what they once were.

This snake I nearly stepped on during my evening walk around the pond. It is a diamondback water snake – harmless. He was about 3ft long.

This is a McKay’s brown snake. Tiny (less than 12 inches) but fierce! Again, I nearly stepped on him. This time when taking out the trash.

After the above snake encounters, I found a snake skeleton on the path around the pond this weekend. It seems symbolic of the death of part of myself. I’m not sure which. Perhaps my divorce or a stage in my life or even the Kundalini itself, which has basically gone dormant – or all three. Regardless, I decided to honor that death by digging a hole and burying the skeleton. I said goodbye to whatever it was that was ending. 

I’ve been feeling very done with life. When I think, “What do I want” (because my guides like to ask me that), all I think of is being free of this body and this physical reality (returning Home, ending this incarnation). The next thing I think of is sleeping because when I sleep I experience a short freedom from this place. Even if I can’t recall my dreams it is better than being awake and going through the motions of life. 

Don’t read this part if you are super attached to mankind, Earth and this physical experience…..

I’ve often wished that this physical reality would be destroyed in a major disaster – like end-of-the-world scenario. Yes, it would kill my loved ones and myself. Yes, it would be awful, but I know that whatever pain it caused would vanish immediately upon death and there would be no loss, no pain, no misery because we would all gather on the Other Side of this mess. I’ve experienced what lies beyond and find it difficult to understand how anyone could be so attached to this physical experience. If they only Knew!

Recently my guidance has been trying to get messages through to me. One was a message I’ve long heard, “Listen.” Another was something about traveling to the cosmos or something for an “intervention”. That is fine by me, if they think it will work. If I can’t get out of this body and physical incarnation, then a dose of Home is always welcomed. So far, giving me the experience of Home has kinda backfired I think because it makes me more determined to get the hell outta this place. lol 

It wouldn’t be so bad if I had something to motivate me here. Something, anything, to look forward to. Usually, I use the next stage or step in life as my motivation. The only stage left for me is old age, slow deterioration and then death. I do look forward to death, just not the long path to it. Maybe I will luck out and not have the long, deteriorating part?

I do recognize all my blessings, I do, but no amount of material things can fill this void inside. I love my land, my pond, my new space – I do! I love that I have the freedom to buy whatever I want/need. I love my children. I love my dog. I love that I am strong and healthy and still can sleep deeply through the night. I try to focus on my blessings. I am good at distracting myself with activities or projects, but that is all they are – distractions. I can’t ever get away from the emptiness inside, the continued sense of numbness, the void of nothingness and, most of all, the Knowing that Home is just on the “Other Side” of this simulation. 

I also recognize that I have been in this place before and it will eventually pass. Something will happen to ignite my curiosity and send me down another rabbit hole. Or maybe “someone”, since my path seems linked to the path of my partners in this life. But, honestly, I don’t want another partner if it means an oversized child to take care of or the expectations that go along with a relationship. And marriage? Hell no! Never again. 

This is also what Human Design says is my experience (my only defined channel is the 1-8) – not Knowing (most of the time) with occasional “ah-ha” moments of clarity and Knowing that propel me in the direction I am meant to travel. Sadly, those ah-ha moments are so few and far between and I end up waiting endlessly (Projector curse) for some sense of clarity, grasping at anything that seems like it might lead to it only to find that, once again, I am wrong and there was never any clarity to begin with.

I am still recovering from the Kundalini experiences of my past. I don’t understand why it happened, why the ET stuff happened, and why I had all the amazing OBEs and transformational experiences. Then they all just….stopped. Abruptly it seems. And now it is like they were only a dream and sometimes it is like they never happened at all. Just smoke and mirrors as the song goes. The only thing that remains is this empty void inside and a more intense longing for Home than ever before. 

Sometimes I think my experiences have left me with a kind of PTSD. I relate strongly with NDE’ers. So many of their stories are similar to my own, but I never actually had a near death, not really, just a “spiritually transformative experience” as ACISTE calls them. Sometimes I wish for an actual near death experience – maybe then I would understand??

Okay, so this is just me rambling now. If you have read this far – I apologize for the darkness of this post. I hope I didn’t bring you down in any way, especially since this is Easter, a day celebrating the resurrection of Christ.

Well, I did just bury the snake/Kundalini/old me, or whatever. Perhaps a resurrection is on the horizon. 

by

Dream: Crawdad in My Hair

Had a dream the other night that has a message that has been on my mind.

In the dream, there was a bright red crawdad (crayfish). I had leaned over to get something and my hair cascaded down near it. The crawdad grabbed onto my hair and climbed up onto my head. I freaked out and began screaming, “Get it off! Get it off!” while trying to grab it but then shying away from it. I remember worrying it would sting me and feeling like it would be a very bad thing if it did. Someone was there trying to help me get it out of my hair but I woke before it was taken out. 

Here is the message of crayfish: Crayfish Totem. 

It took me a whole day to finally look it up because I had a feeling it was not something I wanted to hear (thus wanting it off my head and thinking it would sting me in the dream). And yes, the message was that I need to shed my old skin and let go of the old to make way for the new. It also is telling me to pay attention to my dreams. I think the crawdad being in my hair is also meaningful. Hair represents strength and growth. The crawdad being in my hair is reminding me that, to grow, one must shed the old, which can sometimes be very painful. The fact that the crawdad was red may also be significant. It could symbolize anger, aggression, and even passion. I think in this instance it was power and new beginnings. I experience fear from these things in general.

Since our divorce was finalized on the 22nd of January, my ex has been very nice and accommodating. Our relationship is better than ever and it has led us to fall back into old patterns and behaviors. These behaviors are more like they were early in our relationship, not like the last few years. For example, he had a dozen roses delivered to me for Valentine’s Day. We are acting more married and loving than in a long time. It is just habit and it is hard to end old habits when in such close proximity. He is still in the house when I am staying there, something I’ve asked him to remedy. I’ve spoken with him about it, reminding him that we are divorced and should be planning for our new, single lives – apart.  

Until just recently all the bills were still in my name. I have since cancelled service and transferred what I could. This upset him but they are his bills, not mine, and late payment would impact my credit, not his, if left in my name. Tomorrow he asked me to help him call all the utility providers to set up service in his name. He has little to no experience with financial matters but he has to step up now and I think he is a bit unsure of himself.

My SIL has been threatening to sue my ex for “divorce fraud”. LOL But then she was very angry at the time. She won’t do it, it’s just a hollow threat to get his attention (even if she did it has no standing). She is mostly upset as a part-owner in the company because I will be getting monthly payments soon and she thinks I am stealing from the company. She doesn’t really understand the arrangement I don’t think. The money is from my ex, not her or the company, it just comes from the company as his portion owed to me. Anyway, I think she has a point (re: the fraud part) and I told him as much. He just laughed it off. 

It is easy to get caught up in what is comfortable and familiar. I think the crawdad is correct – it is time for me to shed my old skin – but I struggle because so much of my life is tangled up with my ex and my position working at the family company. I enjoy my job, especially the WFH aspect. I don’t know what to replace it with were I to resign. I have no issue walking away from his family but walking away from my ex will be hard. He is good at reeling me in – we are good parent partners and get along really well as friends. I am not one to hold grudges or hang onto stupid upsets. I wish sometimes I was because it would make this easier. 

by

Dream Message: ACIM page 40

I’ve been staying at the new house (my retreat space). This is day 3. No apparitions. lol I did have a visitor in my dream last night who gave me a message.

In the dream, I was with my older sister and she wanted to go shopping. We walked along through what seemed like a flea market full of various shops. She looked at a shop with lots of clothing. Of course, she picked clothes that were for work with flowy arms and lots of chenille. I told her they wouldn’t suit her needs since she doesn’t have a job. A sales person for the shop tried to get me to buy something but I told her I prefer t-shirts and sweatpants. I recall looking at what I was wearing and it was similar to what I told her. 

We continued to walk and my sister kept getting distracted by things she wanted to buy. I wasn’t really interested in anything. At some point we ended up at a woodshop filled with carved items. My sister said, “Why do we always end up in places like this?” I looked around curiously at the items but didn’t select anything. My sister grabbed something that looked like a bowl with a little creature that would move with the help of water in the bowl. She asked the attendant to get her some water as she drank the remainder of the dirty water from the reservoir. Grossed out, I walked away to browse on my own.

I picked up a couple of small, carved objects. I’m not sure what they were but one seemed to be four people or characters connected hand in hand. Another was a single character. I held the single character in my right hand and the other one in my left and just started walking.

I walked along a paved road that had other, smaller shops throughout. I didn’t stop at any but just drifted, my mind on my life and what to do. I felt somewhat lost, not sure what direction to go. I recall being reminded by a passing thought that I am a hermit, so I should do what brings me joy. There was some music playing and I began to sing with the music. I let my voice go louder than I normally would in public until I was singing full volume. It made me feel good and I knew that if I just did what brought me joy that the right people would “see” me, or be drawn to me. All I had to do was wait for the right call from one of those people.

On my right a coastline took shape and I saw a blue heron dip below the side of the road towards the shoreline. My attention now on the water, I found a nice spot on the ground with a view of the water and sat down. I could feel the figurines in my hands as I fidgeted with them. 

From behind me I felt someone approach. I knew it was a man and I took a deep breath in preparation for his interruption of my solitude. As I waited for him to speak, I saw a strange looking creature on the shoreline where the heron should’ve been. It looked like a Pokémon creature, kind of like a weird dragon in a fat, pig shape. He had sharp teeth and large eyes, typical of a Pokémon (Bulbasaur maybe?).

Before I could investigate the man behind me spoke about the creature saying it represented change (Bulbasaur is based on the frog which symbolizes transition/change). He then spoke directly to me in a very calm voice. His words were very intelligent and he spoke as if he was from a different time or place. I tried to listen, to remember everything he was saying, but all I could do was grab onto what felt to be most important. I remember he said to me, “A Course in Miracles, page 40”. I repeated this to myself as he spoke more. It bothered me that I would not remember all his words and with that, I slowly began to wake. I remembered what he told me and thought about jotting it down since my memory often fails me nowadays. I wanted to sleep, though, so I opted to get more sleep.

ACIM

When I finally awoke I couldn’t recall anything except for the page 40 part. I heard from my left, the male voice say, “A Course in Miracles”. Curious, I considered it. I’ve never felt drawn to that book, though one of my close friends has recommended it numerous times. Here is the link to page 40. 

What I find revelatory about this section is that it seems to point directly to my thoughts in the above dream – of how I am a Hermit (Human Design) and must focus on doing what brings me joy and while doing so, wait for a call from those who truly “see” me. This has been coming through to my consciousness this entire trip to my retreat space. One of the ways I find clarity is through purposeful alone time during which I am not impacted by any other’s energy and can tune into my own energy; therefore finding clarity from within. Last night, prior to bed, a message came through that I need space and time alone to reflect and find clarity. There have been too many distractions and I have been immersing myself in these distractions rather than taking the time to look within. 

The name of this chapter is “The innocent perception”. This in itself screams Human Design to me. I have only one channel connecting two defined centers: 1-8 Channel of Inspiration. This channel in and of itself is about perception.

This page also speaks of inner vision. This is also written in my HD. This is how I perceive the world and is part of color and tone (link here) – the 4th tone of the Environmental variable – inner vision cognition, or how I take in the world around me. In HD, inner vision is about relying on one’s inner vision to perceive the word instead of using the physical eyes. Though I have not purposefully perfected this part of my design, I have found throughout my life that I rely more and more on my inner vision rather than what is presented to me via the physical world. This inner vision allows me to see past what other’s and the world present to me to the truth. I have often perceived what I can only describe as something distasteful. This in itself is a warning that there is something hidden and to be wary of the person, place or situation. 

So, the message I received was to focus on strengthening my inner vision in order to find truth and knowledge. The definition of knowledge presented in ACIM – Knowledge is an experience of wholeness and unity. 

by

Spirit Manifested

I’m staying at my new house so there shouldn’t be any spirit activity. Yet last night I was awakened around 11:30pm. I don’t recall why I woke – if there was a dream or some communication that I received, IDK. I opened my eyes and saw above me a swirl of smoke that moved and had color and brightness. It was elongated almost reminding me of a horses head. There was an illuminated sort of backlit bluish-green color as well. The room wasn’t completely dark making it very obvious to me what I was seeing. I said aloud, “What the…” and with that, I blinked, and when I re-opened my eyes, it was gone.

I struggled to return to sleep for some time after. I had to use the bathroom so I got up, which was difficult in itself because I worried I would encounter something on the way to the bathroom. Nothing happened. The whole time I was putting protection around myself, my bedroom and the entire house. 

As I began to drift back to sleep, I got visuals, likely communication from this entity who was female. I was shown the work I had done that day. I was clearing debris from the old mobile home site – pieces of vinyl skirting, old concrete blocks and various pipes. The amount of vinyl siding was ridiculous. Some had been there so long that grass had set roots in the grooves. As I worked, I imagined how the place got into such disrepair, thinking of the excuses made to avoid doing the work needed to keep the place nice. The man who lived there was very obese, so I imagined he thought of how tired it made him and opted to eat a snack or take a nap rather than take action to clean up his messes. I also thought of his wife, an alcoholic, and how bored she must have been. I thought of her choosing to drink rather than clean (there were numerous bottles of cleaners strewn about) and her thinking how she was the only one cleaning and if no one else cared, why should she? Ultimately, I felt that both had gone into complete apathy about their living situation, among other things. I got very angry at first and then ultimately felt sorry for them. To live in such filth and feel you can do nothing about it has to be an awful feeling.

Another communication I received was memory of when I was clearing out the addition. This was early on, just after we had just purchased the property. I found boxes full of documents, photos and other family keepsakes. There were old photo albums, similar to the ones I use to see at my grandparents house. I wondered why anyone would just leave personal items like that. The spirit focused me in on a name I read in that paperwork. I only remember now that it began with a M. 

Realizing I was receiving communication, I again put up protection around me. I received a direct message that I had nothing to worry about, she didn’t have the energy to do it again (manifest). 

I didn’t sleep well the rest of the night and decided to smudge the place as soon as I can get my sage here. That will be tonight because my husband is bringing it to me.

After some thought, I realized I might have stirred up the energy by clearing the old mobile home site debris. I plan to do more clearing today, this time with a rake to grab all the smaller stuff. I will say a prayer and smudge the area as soon as the sage is available. I have no idea if it will work as it seems the spirit is attempting to communicate with me and does not seem to be Earthbound. She may be lingering here with unfinished business but aware that she no longer has a body. This is not uncommon and I prefer communicating with this kind of “ghost” than with the ones who do not know the are dead.

In the past, spirit has been attracted to my “light”. This may simply be that. If so, typically just me asking them to go away is enough.  

by

Dream Message: Go Home.

Lots of vivid dreams last night.

The first one I recall most vividly was set in India. I found myself amongst a group of tourists traveling in India. I was confused as to how I got there and remember feeling confused most of the dream. Me and a couple of women were visiting a temple. As we stood at its entrance, I decided I wanted to take a picture. I centered on the temple entrance and took a pic with my phone. Then I suggested me and the other two women get a picture of us together at the entrance. I said I could take it and pulled out my iPad. I took a picture but when I went to retrieve it, I noticed the settings had been wrong and the camera was not facing the right direction. I wanted to take another but the older women with us got huffy and impatient. She seemed very annoyed with me in general.

Our group ended up inside a large building that was open to the outside. We sat together at this meeting space waiting for everyone to get there so we could move on as a group. There were others there, none I recognized but all obviously part of our larger group. The space was somewhat noisy and reminded me of an open air market.

Next, I remember the scene shifting suddenly and I was face to face with a young Indian man. He looked very much like the dark haired man who use to visit me in dreams long ago. With him came the Kundalini. I noticed he had what looked like tiny, white circular bugs with six legs in his hair. I said something to him but he just stared towards the other side of the room. I remember thinking the man was handsome. 

I inched closer to the man to investigate the tiny bugs when I heard someone say something. When I turned towards the voice to answer the Indian man vanished and the entire open aired meeting space returned to my visual field. Everyone in the group had left and I was alone except for a couple of others who had also been left behind. We walked out of the building trying to find the rest of the group.

Again, my consciousness seemed pulled from the scene. This time I was on a boat with a woman. The water was dark blue and very rough, the boat tipping drastically from one side to the other. The woman had with her a massive turtle. The turtle was almost as large as the boat, his shell marked with beautiful gold and green patterns. She and the turtle fell overboard and, not long after, I did, too. The turtle came forward, offering its shell. I grabbed on.  

As I floated there with the massive turtle, a snake-like, metallic creature rose up out of the water. Instead of scales, it had silver, linked metal bands going up and down it’s snake-like neck. It’s head was rounded at the top with a point at the tip. It’s mouth opened, reddish eyes flashing. I was certain I was about to be eaten when I noticed a man sitting on a chair inside the open jaws of the beast. He was wearing what looked like a space suit. He, the chair and controls, were completely protected behind glass. Was it the man I saw earlier in the open aired building in India? It didn’t take me long to realize the snake was no snake but some kind of craft.  

My fear dissipated and I watched in awe as the snake head bowed and then stopped inches from me. 

This is when I heard, “Go home.” It was a whisper in my right ear and very, very audible. Before I had a chance to react, I heard again, “Go home.” The voice was raspy and masculine. As I heard it, I felt myself shift into my physical body, the dream scene with the metallic snake disappearing along with the visual of the space man.

I woke and couldn’t return to sleep. The dream felt almost like I had entered into another life but then was plucked from it as if someone was trying to get my attention. I wondered about what the voice said. Home. Which home? What did he mean?

I fell back to sleep with these questions on my mind.

I entered another dream. This time I was in a small house. I could see a sofa and full living room. My husband’s family was there. They were talking amongst themselves and I brought up my India dream. I specifically brought up the message I received – Go home. I went over all the details of the dream with them as if trying to remember everything I could about it.

I remember asking them, “What does ‘Go home’ mean to you?” My BIL said he thought of it as his family – his children and his wife. My SIL said something similar. Everyone had a slightly different definition of “home”. It seemed to me like “home” was something only the heart knew. 

The scene shifted and I was outside walking through thigh high grass. I reached my left hand out and let it graze the top of the grass as I sang the Lord’s Prayer aloud. My dream self knew this place and knew exactly where I was going. I was heading down the valley to my meditation hut.

As I got closer to where the hut was suppose to be, I noticed the hut was absent, the spot where it should be was a green patch of grass.  There was a man doing work in the area on a well located near the absent hut. I asked him where the hut was. He said it had been in horrible shape so they tore it down. I was disappointed and said, “I was going to meditate there.” The man said no one had used it for years. 

I remember looking around, noting the empty spot where the hut use to be, taking in the scene. There were tall oak trees with green, grassy meadows in between. It was very peaceful.

Vision: Caged Bird

When I woke up I was still thinking of what “home” meant. I spoke with my guides about it. They were asking me to Remember. It seemed like I was being asked to continue where I had left off. This evoked fear in me and I almost started to cry. 

I was presented with a visual. It was a bird in a cage. I said, “It can’t sing.” I heard my guide say, “Or fly.” Then the scene flashed and the visual returned but the cage was empty. I knew the bird was dead. The door to the cage was unlocked but closed.