Category Archives: Messages

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Kundalini Dream and Advice

Another Kundalini heart bliss dream.

The beginning of the dream was odd. I think I was part of an orgy type situation, either that or filming a pornographic film. There were several others with me and mostly I was asked to give fellatio to one of the men. It was not especially enjoyable and I don’t remember too much except the oddness of the situation. What I do remember vividly was the chakra activations, they were numerous and all over. It was like I was being calibrated.

The scene shifted and I was standing on the porch at the front door of a small, single-wide mobile home. Outside was a hook. I placed my backpack on it as if I had been there many times before. I heard movement inside and thought it curious because no one should be inside. Opening the door, I called out to whoever was inside. A small, dark haired boy about the age of 8-9yrs old appeared and I questioned him. I don’t remember what he said now but I think he was a friend of the man who owned the home and had permission to come and go as he pleased. 

Then I was talking to a man. I don’t know what happened to the boy. Maybe he was the man? Anyway, the man was walking around in the kitchen preparing a meal. I watched him from a distance. He was talking as if he knew me well, smiling and laughing. In my memory, him and the space he occupied seemed to glow with golden light. I recall feeling a bit shocked and overwhelmed. What was this? Where was I? And who is this man?? I felt I knew the man, like we had been or were a couple. While he talked, I struggled with Kundalini energy. It was all over but mostly centered in my chest area. The feeling was exactly as I remember, an overwhelming love that takes your breath away and knocks you to your knees (literally). So as he talked, my mind was full of questions and confusion at the situation I found myself in.

The man mentioned how he was considering dating again. I said to him in almost a whisper, “Please don’t.” He paused, looked me right in the eyes and said, “Okay”. Then he went back to preparing his food. It was a rotini pasta dish of some kind, covered in marinara and mozzarella cheese. It looked yummy. He took a bite and asked, “You sure you don’t want some?” I smiled, feeling out of breath from the love pouring through me, and said, “Yeah, no, I had pizza earlier.” He continued to eat and talk, but I can’t remember what he said after that.

My dream visuals shifted at this point. I think because I started becoming lucid from all the bliss and the questions flooding my mind. The heart bliss was intense! I remember asking, “What is happening to me?” There was also a visual of a man’s face. It was placed in front of me like a photo except that it took up my entire visual field. The man was young, like mid-twenties, with dark hair. What I was seeing was a younger version of him; he currently looked older – different. I knew he had a mustache, beard or both. 

When I finally woke I was speaking with a guide who had asked me what I was feeling. What he wanted me to focus on was my reaction to the heart bliss. The heart bliss, while amazing and beautiful, is also somewhat scary, mostly because I feel like I lose myself in it. The heart bliss holds me in a sort of tractor beam state and I am only able to “move” when it releases me.

It was also clear that I was being given these little heart bliss episodes to slowly reintroduce me to something that caused me huge turmoil in the past so that I can build up the courage to confront whatever still lingers to be healed. Sadly, my dreams reveal I am still freezing up and freaking out a bit, and, as I did the first time it happened (2015) , asking, “What is happening to me?” When I woke and realized I had asked that question again I laughed a little. I have no idea why the dream version of me keeps asking it. It is obvious what is happening. I am getting exactly what I asked for.

Dream Message 

I struggled to return to sleep but somehow did and found myself in another dream. The main focus of the dream was a man I know in waking reality. He was there with his kids trying to use my printer to make copies of some kids playing cards. I told him the printer was not connected to the computer yet and laughed, calling myself lazy. He then walked over to the edge of the room and just observed, clasping his hands behind his back. He seemed completely content as he stood there. After a while, I asked him what he was doing. He said he was practicing. I can’t recall the word he used to describe what he was practicing but in the dream I understood that he was being careful to not be distracted. I told him that I could see the value in that because I, too, struggle with being easily distracted. 

What the man said and my response to him ultimately woke me up when I recognized the message in it. I have received this message before. I believe, in this instance, the message was that I can avoid the overwhelm of the heart bliss by simply observing it rather than becoming the effect of it. Basically, I just need to surrender to it. 

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Dream Message: Look for the Positive in the Pause

It’s not often these days that I have a dream that lasts most of the night. Nor one that has so much symbolism and a unique message.

Dream Part 1: Clearing the Closet

The dream began at a house that reminded me of the mobile home my dad lived in when I was little (7-8yrs). With me were about four or five others, all “roommates” or so it felt that way. My friend, Angela, was one roommate. I remember feeling like I got along well with most if not all of them. I was proud of this because it is not usual for me to feel comfortable in such a big group. 

In the living room area I met with my friend and told her how people were beginning to call me up just to talk, also something unusual. It was surprising to me but also made me feel good because it is so rare that people want to talk to me about anything these days. 

One of the group members was talking about how they were all counselors and asking how we were all doing with our “work”. I kept quiet, unsure if I should speak up because when I speak it is often followed by an unusual quiet and awkward feeling from groups. I do much better one-on-one. Eventually, I got up the courage to speak and told them how I am trained as a counselor but working in finance. I explained that numbers don’t judge like people do. Numbers are simple and straight-forward. They never lie. People are complicated and numbers aren’t. I felt my words were my truth and then felt relief in knowing my current work was exactly what I needed at this time in my life.

I left the group and walked towards the bedroom but this bedroom was my old one at my Mom’s house. The room had two closets and I opened one up to look for some of my old things. I found that the door had been painted. About six equally sized boxes had been painted on the door panel. The first two boxes at the top were complete. They had images of an owl and seemed to be a storyline. I told my friend it was upsetting to me that someone had taken over the closet without telling me. I could see a long, plastic box on the top shelf indicative of someone’s moving storage. I was looking through the clothing and showing my friend various items while telling her that most of the things in the closet were very old and I needed to sort through and clear the closet anyway. The clothing were little girl’s dresses and various adult women’s dress shirts. My friend left and return telling me she knew who was using the closet and had shared my concerns with them. 

Then the woman who was using the closet came and we talked. I told her that the other closet in the room use to have my dad’s old things in it. I specifically mentioned his scuba gear and how we kept his regulator in there. I looked and couldn’t find it among the other things. The woman said she scuba dived and was a level 2. I said my dad was a master instructor and told her I hadn’t been diving in years because I had no partner/buddy. You always dive with a buddy.

Dream Part 2: Cliff Diving

Then I was standing on a rocky cliff overlooking dark water. The water was quite a ways down. The woman from the closet was with me. I don’t know what we talked about but I still recall thinking of clearing out the closet in my old bedroom and thinking how I didn’t need to hold onto any of that stuff anymore. Then me and the woman both jumped over the side of the cliff. Rather than falling into the water we floated and flew through the sky, never touching the water’s surface. I remember hearing music and singing as we flew together. I was feeling quite high and happy. The woman reached her hands out to me and I grabbed them and she flipped herself over me and then invited me to do the same. I did and continued to sing along with the music. 

Then we were back on the top of the rocky cliff overlooking the dark water. I felt very friendly with her and got a strange questioning feeling from her. I told her I just wanted her as a friend and she said, “As long as I don’t have to listen to jazz music”. I laughed and told her I didn’t like jazz anyway and listed some other types of music – classic rock, alternative, folk, etc. She was in agreement and smiled. 

Our discussion must have gone to scuba diving again because I had a flash of being underwater with the woman and some others. The water was dark but I could see. I was deep down and became concerned that my air was running low. I also couldn’t see the rest of the group. This made me panic and I instantly blinked back to the cliff. 

Dream Part 3: Message to a Friend

I noticed a house across from me and decided to go to it. The house was two stories and had fallen leaves all over the front lawn. I could see some lawn chairs to the left as if there had been or would be a gathering there. I was transported instantly to the front door with just a thought and then, when I decided to go in, a white tunnel opened up. I don’t recall going through the tunnel, just intending to and then I was on the other side in the back yard of the house.

There was a paved path with soft lit lamps that glowed orange-yellow. Again, there were fallen leaves all around. I saw my friend Angela sitting on a bench all by herself, the lamp illuminating her silhouette. She had her hands cupped in her lap and was staring intently into them. I approached her and paused realizing there was a flat, disc shaped object hovering over her cupped hands. I recognized she was seeking guidance and whispered, “Oh, I won’t disturb you”. I walked a short distance away and waited. Not long after she looked up at me, inviting me to approach. Her mood was low and she seemed deeply concerned about something. I paused, waiting for her invitation to speak. She got up and motioned for me to follow her. She said nothing, keeping her head down as she walked. I stayed close, realizing my company was comfort enough.

The paved path curved around and took us into what looked like a college campus. Ahead I could see a kind of pavilion with curved, concrete seating. Others were seated there. My friend went and sat with them. I recognized them to be the same people from the house earlier in the dream with one exception. There was an older woman there I didn’t recognize but who seemed familiar. Her hair was completely white with a few streaks of darker gray. It was long, wrapping around her neck and falling down her chest. Her face showed no emotion and was deeply etched with wrinkles.

My friend sat in the middle facing the group, the old woman sat close to her on her left. She was seeking guidance from the group. She said something about school starting and preventing her from doing something she really wanted to do. There was also a mention of “cancer” but it seemed to hover above the other words as if it was subconscious or an after thought. Honestly, it was like her words floated over her head and were not spoken, if that makes any sense. 

I replied by saying, “When I’m experiencing a pause, I try to find the positive…”, but I was interrupted by the older lady. She snapped at me, saying to me that I had no right to tell my friend to look for the positive in the situation, that saying so was rude or made less of my friend’s struggle somehow. I instantly recoiled, feeling the full extent of the woman’s emotion and immediately began to cry from the onslaught. I told the old lady, “I just meant, ‘Look for the positive in the pause’.” The old lady snarled back at me. My first impulse was to leave but my friend spoke up, telling her old lady friend that she was not upset and valued my input. Before I could leave, the old lady made a loud huffing sound, got up from her seat and left. 

The whole group sat in silence and watch my friend. My friend looked to the group and asked, “Is there anything positive? Can you tell me?” She seemed genuinely curious to know. I still felt awful and was contemplating the old woman’s reaction and energy. I am so use to reactions like the woman’s and remember thinking, “Why does this always happen?”. I recognized the woman was fiercely protective of my friend and that was what caused her to react in such a way. She was also quite possessive. So, her energy onslaught made sense. Even so, I was still reeling from the “attack” and soon woke up, unable to free myself from it.

Considerations

Thankfully when I woke I wasn’t emotional at all. I understood where the woman was coming from and that her reaction was protective and motherly. Mostly, it’s the message I had to give my friend that hit home. This time is, for many, a “pause”. What is paused? I think it may vary but for me, at least, the pause is that I feel spiritually stagnant, as if that part of my journey is on hold.

Other parts of the dream seemed significant. The fact that the first and second houses reflected memory of similar houses in my lifetime is not lost on me. The first house was my dad’s mobile home from way back when I was around 8 years old. So maybe it reflects an area of my life that I still have not cleared? The next home may also reflects a time in my life that may require additional clearing. The closets have yet to be sorted and cleared. The clothing items indicate a time in my youth as well as part of my adulthood, specifically times when I wore dress shirts (probably when I was a teacher). It almost seemed like I was traveling through my life, inspecting certain times that needed tweaking.

Then the whole scene with the woman flying over the water was quite distinct. I wish I had been more lucid! The flying was a blast! The scuba diving portion was a discussion about diving deep into the unknown subconscious and confronting it. I went under the water but my fears kept me from lingering too long. My fears seemed to be running out of air (feeling suffocated or overwhelmed) and losing my group (being alone). I also mentioned how I didn’t do any diving because I didn’t have a partner, indicating I felt I needed help.

The last portion of the dream might be relevant to my friend. I won’t know until I tell her, though. However, the message I gave her was not just for her. I do think many of us are experiencing a “pause”.  

The old lady’s reaction reminded me of why I hesitate to speak. The reactions I get from others can be horribly upsetting to the point that I have to excuse myself so I don’t humiliate myself further by bursting into tears. The end and the beginning of the dream both show me using my voice. I find it interesting that the first left me feeling good because it revealed my truth and the second was the opposite. Just goes to show that I need to feel out the group before I speak. 

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Melancholy is Beautiful

Sorry I’ve been so quiet lately. SO much has been going on with me and I have just not felt inspired to write about it. I’ve also let so much time pass between posts that I am overwhelmed by the amount of “stuff” to write about. There is just SO much!

I don’t even remember what I’ve shared on here and what I haven’t. lol So, if I repeat something – sorry!

Firstly, this entire year has been a dark one for me. Dark in that I have been going through a kind of “gauntlet” of emotional and physical crap. What seemed to be a complete lack of “spiritual adventure” in my life was in fact the opposite! The entire time, unbeknownst to me, I have been changing. I’m still not sure what the end result will be, but I am starting to get glimpses of it. Thank God!

The majority of the dark, heavy stuff began in March. It was a mixture of emotional purging and random physical ailments. I got a message around that time via a dream that a period of change was approaching that would take “100 days”. I didn’t heed the warning, but then, how could I? I had no idea what was coming.

Emotional: Geez! There is too much to put here. Let’s just say I had many, many emotional dreams where I would wake in tears. Often I didn’t even remember the dream that precipitated the tears. Other times I would wake up fixated on some repetitive issue in my life. Then there was the anger. OMG so angry! And when the anger subsided I was anxious and felt completely off. There was no reason or rhyme to any of it. Trying to make sense of it was pointless and only made the experience worse.

Physical: I think I wrote about my heart palpitations, anxiety, extreme tiredness, deeper than deep sleep, and itchy skin with no known cause. Well, all have seemingly resolved – to a point. I had to cut out caffeine altogether and I love coffee. I’ve been drinking decaf for months (it’s okay I guess). Alcohol is also a big no-no, but then I am not a big drinker. I had to increase my turmeric dosage, use prescription cortisone medication, take cool baths nightly and slather myself with Aquaphor for weeks to get rid of the random, angry rashes on various parts of my body. The tiredness was concerning in the beginning. I worried I had anemia or some other condition (could I have cancer?). Now, I feel pretty much back to normal – almost. I still feel like I have to take it easy but I don’t know why. I’ve stopped questioning and coming up with reasons to stay active. Now, if I feel like I should ease up, I do.

August 4-7: Sudden horrible insomnia hits! To go from deeper than deep sleep to no sleep was quite a shock. At first I blamed it on my birthday and being older, but then it stretched out for four nights and each night I had less sleep. The last night I got 1 hour of sleep and had a massive emotional meltdown, crying to the point of not being able to breathe. I ended up seeking out my husband and just having him hold me as I cried (not normal for me). Then, when I thought I was done crying, it happened again and then one more time. You would think I would be exhausted after that? Apparently not. I had one hour of semi-sleep and then it was time to wake up. Interestingly, we were on a family vacation to Washington when my good sleep returned. Oh and the last remnants of itchy spots disappeared on that trip, too.

Messages In-Coming

Since I’ve been back from vacation I’ve had an uptick in messages coming in. Most come in via the environment but occasionally I get a voice message “download” as I wake.

Dimes. I kept coming across dimes on the ground. It was almost daily to the point that I started taking notice. Then, one morning as I woke, I saw a visual of a dime dropping and heard, “Everything can change on a dime”. I’ve not seen anymore dimes after that.

Animal Encounters.
Great horned owl: I had a visit from a great horned owl not long ago. It was night and I was sitting outside when it flew from the ground to the fence and then sat there looking at me.
Squirrel: Found a baby squirrel on the sidewalk. He looked dead but when I touched him he squealed and squirmed. No mom or nest in sight. I was walking my dog so called and had my husband send the kids with a blanket. They came, I scooped up the tiny baby and took her home. Though I know how to raise baby squirrels (did it as a kid), I decided to take her to a rehab center.
Toads: Found a toad near his burrow while watering the garden. Later, I found a dead toad, entrails all pulled out, on my back porch. When I told my kids, my son said he had played with a toad for a long time that day and had also seen the dead one. We thought the toad from the burrow and the dead one were the same but today (a few days later) I saw the toad by his burrow again.
Bunny: This morning I was watering my garden and a baby bunny hopped out, fearless. I went and touched it and it squealed and ran to hide. I left it alone since it was obviously old enough to survive on its own.

Memories. Had a sudden, vivid memory come to me along with a message. The memory was from when I was around 7 years old. I had IBS and that particular day I was playing and was hit hard with cramps. My guidance told me, “Slow down and relax.” I don’t actually recall the exact words but I stopped, relaxed and took deep breaths. The IBS pain went away and I went back to playing. The message with this memory was to do the same in my life now – Slow down, relax and breathe.

Songs. The first one: “Stop chasing shadows, just enjoy the ride.” Then: “Stuck under water. I just need some space.” Finally, Sia: “I’m in here. Can anybody see me? Can anybody help?”

Understanding

Had a dream last night in which I was traveling to Montana. The woman with me was driving and I was in the passenger seat. She stopped and told me to keep the car where it was but she didn’t put it in park. I kept the car where it was by drawing a red circle around it. The circle was tiny, leaving no room for movement, and so kept the car in place. When the woman returned she scowled and asked me why I didn’t drive the car. I said, “I’m not here to drive someone else’s car. I’m here to sleep (dream).” LOL

When I woke up I was smiling about the dream. I’ve been attempting to “drive” everyone’s car but my own. It’s time to drive MY car. There was Knowing with this, like my guidance was telling me, “It’s time”.

The Sia song was in my mind, also. It feels like MY song. My guidance said, “It’s beautiful” and I was reminded of various times in my life when I have been sad but in that sadness was immense beauty. Beauty that was indescribable. The darkness, the sadness, was beautiful to experience because within it was every other emotion and experience. I began to cry, but not from sadness itself, but because I could feel it – ALL OF IT – every emotion all at once. So beautiful!

More memories flooded in, memories of songs I’ve written, paintings I’ve painted, poems I’ve written, dances I’ve danced – all inspired by darkness and melancholy. And my Human Design came to mind. I only have one defined channel, the 1-8 channel of inspiration. This is a channel that finds inspiration from long periods of melancholy. Melancholy is all I consistently know and experience. It is my gift. It is my inspiration.

I recalled another message I received upon waking that I had long forgotten. I was told, “Sing!” the minute I recalled it, memories came one after the other, all of times when I was singing. When I sing I feel correct. I feel “high”. In fact, I use singing when OOB to raise my vibration because that is what singing does.

As I was receiving all of the above I was hearing and thinking, “I am beautiful”. So often I’ve rejected my melancholic tendencies because other people and society reject them. Not anymore. My melancholy is beautiful. My melancholy is my inspiration.

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Lucid Dream Message: Pay Your Dues

Wonderful lucid dream this morning.

Dream: Following Neil

The dream began as a non-lucid dream. I was at my house tending to my front garden which had become overgrown with tall weeds. I began pulling them one-by-one and tossing them to the side. Some were tangled up in lights and so I had to pause and pull the wires out. When I was finished, the pile was a pretty good size. 

A group arrived and I invited them all in for ice cream. I told them I had a ton of Blue Bell ice cream leftover after pulling the weeds. The group came inside and happily ate the ice cream. A woman I seemed to know thanked me and asked me about a certain person who was like a counselor to me. I remember recognizing what I was doing was way out of character. I wouldn’t invite a large group of people into my house like that, especially these kind of people. I identified them as members of a special church group who my husband associated with. 

Then my SIL arrived with her kids. One of them was climbing around in my freezer and I asked her to get out because it wasn’t safe. I noted the strangeness of the situation, which then got stranger. A large bus drove through the house and down the hallway and stopped. The woman from the church group got out and asked me about the place we were in. I realized it was an entire room I had forgotten existed. I told her something about how when we don’t go to a place frequently enough, we forget it exists. She asked me to clarify and I explained that I hadn’t been in that room for so long I forgot it was there. Then I turned and realized the room was an entire house of it’s own with a kitchen, master bedroom with ensuite and everything. I told the woman I had been advised to cut it off from the main house and rent it out as an apartment. I liked the idea.

We all went back outside and I watched the bus leave, noting the pile of weeds I’d pulled earlier was still there. That’s when Neil arrived. I knew him instantly and even called him by name. This was the man who was like my counselor that the woman had mentioned earlier. He was a plain looking, tall, slender man with graying hair and a nice smile. I felt a familial connection to him and tried to get close to him because it felt so nice to be around him.

He invited me to run with him and took off down the street. I followed but he ran straight into a busy intersection that was full of people (no cars). I stopped and ran perpendicular to him. I lost sight of him more than once and eventually saw him through the crowd. I ran towards him but again lost him. I felt my energy shift and my vision blacked out.

Lucid Dream: Pay Your Dues

I ended up inside a restaurant. Neil was gone but I felt him with me and could hear and talk with him inside my mind. This is when I realized I was dreaming. I was contemplating the dream up until that point and remembered the house from the dream was a creation from another reality. I remembered it in great detail and this brought me to almost full lucidity because it was a kind of ah-ha moment for me.

Sitting at a booth located under a large window, I noticed a woman sitting alone across from me. She was blonde and young but had a full go-tee of blonde stubble. She often stroked it with her hand. She was preparing to eat and had a full array of food and even a bottle of wine in front of her. I felt like she must be lonely and contemplated going over to befriend her. That’s when I noticed she wasn’t alone. She had a female companion with her. 

Then a large man with a tray full of food walked over near me but fell and some of his food slipped into his big belly, spilling all over him. He then sat down almost right next to me. His daughter followed and sat across from him. He got out a large bottle of tabasco and poured half of it on her food and then the other half on his. She took a bite. I couldn’t help but comment, saying if I ate that it would kill me. The man laughed and said it would kill most people.

My energy shifted again and my vision blacked out. I willed myself back to the dream.

I picked up a menu and began to read it. The words moved and formed messages that once read rearranged themselves into different words. I watched the words in amazement, taking note of the messages as best I could but forgetting the majority of them. I spent a while reading the menu. My face soon became wet with tears. I felt a sense of great love from the messages but there was also a hint of sadness and homesickness. I remember Knowing the message was that I have to stay in this physical reality. In fact, a very clear message appeared in writing on the menu at this time. It said, “Pay your dues”. 

Eventually, the menu letters stopped moving and I put it down. I got up and walked to the bathroom and stood in front of the bathroom mirror to put on makeup. In my hand I found a circular compact. When opened it contained some face powder and a small applicator. I looked up at the mirror and saw my reflection but didn’t focus on it too long because I noted my face was warping and shifting, making me seem much less like myself. I looked back down at the compact and spoke with Neil. I think I asked him where he was. He explained how he “borrowed” energy to look as he did but sometimes that energy isn’t available, which was the case in that moment. He also said he preferred to be “invisible” because he’s scared me in the past. I got the feeling he might look like an “alien” and so understood why I might get scared.

The mirror in the bathroom was one that opened up to reveal a cabinet inside but inside wasn’t a cabinet. Instead it contained more messages. Again, the words appeared, I read them and then they vanished. Whatever I read again made me cry. The tears were slow and steady and the feeling I had was strong disappointment like a sulky child. I decided to look at the compact in my hand and noted there were two sides. When I opened the other side the powder was cracked and crumbling and the applicator was dirty. 

Messages

I woke but remained in reverie for a while talking with Neil. He seemed to be leaving and said, “See you soon” and I asked, “What does that mean? Does it mean I will go Home soon?” He chuckled and said, “No”. He then asked me about something I was asked about 10 years ago now. At the time I was still living in my old home. My third child wasn’t yet born. I was sitting outside on the porch in the evening and was asked by a guide, “What if I told you you only had ten years left to live. What would you do differently?” I thought for a while and said, “Nothing.” 

Neil asked me to consider how much I did do differently since then. I thought first of what remained the same. I still feel the same. I still have many of the same habits and routines and am around many of the same people. My family is still struggling with the same challenges.

Then I thought of what I did change. We sold our house and moved. I quit my job and took a part-time job and eventually stopped working altogether. I then started back working the job I currently have which suits me quite well. I’ve traveled more and stepped outside my comfort zone on many occasions. I focused on myself quite a bit, working on my issues and learning to set healthy boundaries. 

So I did change some things. 

Some things haven’t changed, though. My family still has the drama that caused me to want to sell my old house and move in the first place. In fact, that same drama often causes me sleepless nights. I remember clearly that I did not want to live amidst the drama and thought our move would facilitate the end to my sleepless nights over that drama. It did, for a while, but recently I’ve allowed myself to be pulled back in to various degrees. However, recalling all of this has helped me remember that my initial decision to leave was correct and I still do not want anything to do with that place or the drama of it.

My best guess is that this is the karma I am working through. This is me “paying my dues” and this is why I am so sad about remaining. I have no specific memory of this karma, so I can only guess the debt I am repaying. It does feel that my role is to remain detached from it all, to step back and let whatever happens, happen. This can be very difficult!

Update

I can’t remember if I updated on the land and off-grid cabin idea from earlier this year. Basically, building a cabin on my family land is not going to happen. The way the land is situated, the county will not allow my mother to subdivide the land without adding a very expensive road ($150K at least). So, my mom couldn’t sell to me or leave each of her children acreage unless she subdivided the property. Her solution was to create an irrevocable trust. When she dies, we, her children, are required to sell the property and then the profits will be disbursed in monthly payments until gone. None of us will get any land. My sister won’t be able to get any money without doing two things every month: Prove she has a job and take a drug test.

I am okay with it since my feeling was that it is not the best place for me anyway. My older sister is hurt and angry, though, and she doesn’t know about the work/drug test requirement yet. She thinks I manipulated my mom into not giving her land. My mom was never going to give my sister land, though. She worried my sister wouldn’t pay the taxes and the family land would be taken by the county. My mom tried to get one of us siblings to agree to leasing my sister a couple of acres for the rest of her life, rent free. None of us would agree, so that idea was dropped. None of us wanted to be put in the same position my mom is now.

As is it, my sister and her husband are living in their RV next to my mom rent and utility-free. Every time I visit my mom she vents to me about how awful the situation is but she doesn’t do anything about it. I don’t visit often because I feel completely sucked of all my energy and it can take me two days or more to recover. 

Cracked Compact – This keeps coming to mind as symbolic of how I have been feeling lately. It is becoming harder and harder to keep up any kind of façade.

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Dream Encounter

Slept okay with lots of dreams. Had an interesting dream encounter, also.

Dream: Find Your Family

I received a call informing me of something that seemed important. I can’t recall what it was or who called, but it felt like a bank called me. 

Then I was taken to a large office-like building. Inside were lots of random people, none I recognized. A person approached me and asked me some questions about certain people, bringing up names and asking me if I knew them, etc. One name I recognized as my husband’s family but my description of her did not match theirs. Overall, it felt like an interrogation and I was becoming nervous and suspicious because I didn’t understand why I was there.

Eventually I was informed that everyone there was part of an ancestry project that reunited families that had been separated. A person announced to everyone,”Find your family”. I stood confused for a moment and then stepped aside as others began to form small groups. A handful of others and myself stood separate from the others. We looked at each other questioningly. I remember saying, “I don’t have one [a family].” The others with me nodded in agreement- neither did they. 

One man approached the person in charge, demanding to know what was going on. I moved away, towards the front door, thinking I would just leave. When I got to the door it had a large, silver electronic lock on it. I wasn’t going anywhere. I leaned up against the window looking out, not really concerned. Then the man, having not gotten any answers, wandered over to the door also. He looked at the lock and then at me and said, “I guess we’re stuck here.” He seemed angry.

Dream Encounter

The next thing I know I am sitting in the front seat of a pickup truck. There is a man to my left. We are sitting quite close and it feels very intimate. In front of us is my youngest son. He is moving around quite freely as if the truck has unlimited space. I notice his hair is out of place so I reach out and comb it in place. Then he shows me his finger saying he lost the ring. I can see a green spot where the ring use to sit. It seems like he had been wearing a cheap ring on it for a while. 

The whole time I am sitting with this man who feels very familiar. In fact, he feels like someone I know in real life. While I am interacting with my son, I lean into this man and hug him tight. When finished hugging him I don’t move but stay close, laying in his arms. 

The man brings up “cold hands and feet” for some reason. I suddenly feel very concerned because I often have cold, clammy hands. Will he reject me because of it? I reply truthfully to him that I often have cold hands and feet but lately they have been warmer than usual. He doesn’t seem to judge me for it and stretches out his bare feet and wiggles his toes as if to emphasize the “cold feet” part. Then he reaches out and takes my hand in his own. He comments that my hand is not cold at all. I relax, relieved. 

We remain holding hands, laying in each others arms. He is quite tall, so his chest and torso are above my head. Yet I can look up at him easily. I feel suddenly very nervous because I can sense the energy shifting. I worry he wants to kiss me. I look up and he looks back at me. He says to me, “That’s funny, is that stabs on your eyes?” I think my mind shifts the words a bit because I immediately look away, self-conscious of something on my face. But I look back almost immediately when I hear his words because I am confused. Did he say “Stabs” or “Scabs”? And on my eyes??

When I look back at him all I see are his eyes. They are golden with specks of yellow and the pupils are pinpricks; barely visible. It is like his eyes are a precious stone like tiger’s eye or yellow jasper. I am instantly pulled into them. I recognize something in his eyes. At the same time, a very odd feeling hits me in the high heart, that spot just above the heart chakra but just below the throat chakra. It feels like I am hit with lightening but at the same time an energy comes back out that feels so strange, so unfamiliar, that it wakes me up.

Messages

As I wake I begin to sob. The emotion just pours out of me but I have no idea why. I don’t feel any specific emotion, yet I am crying. And that odd feeling in my high heart is still lingering. It doesn’t feel bad but it feels….strange. I have felt all kinds of Kundalini energy but this, this was beyond strange! It felt like something was both going into me and being sucked out of me at the same time.

And those eyes. OMG! They weren’t human.

Still sensing his presence, I ask him, “Who are you?” He replies, “I am you.” This is a familiar response, and something about it causes me to fall instantly into Knowing. This is something I have experienced before but practically forgot. How could I forget? 

He asks me, “Why are you sad?” And another wave of emotion pours out of me. Now wide awake and sobbing into my pillow, I try to answer him, but really, I have no idea. However, part of my answer was, “I feel lost” and “I don’t feel like I belong.”

The entire time I was getting visuals of him still holding my hand and messages such as, “We love you” and “You are not alone.” All familiar. 

I am reminded of a vision received not long ago. I saw a watch laying on the floor followed by a flash of something else, I think the entrance or exit to a pool of water,  indicating endings and beginnings. The song, It’s Time came to mind. This song has recently been repeating. I Knew the watch = “It’s time” and the water = “To begin”. 

Another song, Wake Me Up Inside, has also been coming to mind.

Interpretation

The first dream seems to reflect my feelings of not belonging. I am there to find my family but have none. I feel trapped amongst strangers (door is locked). 

The encounter dream is sending me a message about “cold feet”. It is pretty obvious now, but in the dream I was too preoccupied with concerns that I would cause the man not to like me to notice. 

The green ring marks on the boys hands are probably a message about Union or marriage or something similar. Rings that leave green marks are not genuine so perhaps it symbolizes a relationship that is not genuine? I still haven’t figured it out yet. 

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Message: Wounded

After the dream message, “Just let go”, I began to wonder if maybe I don’t truly understand what it means to let go. And I wondered, “Let go of what?” I searched it and found several articles. This was a good one – How to Let Go and Free Yourself.

I recognized that maybe what I am holding onto is past hurt and disappointment. Holding onto these things is not helping me move forward or be present in the Now. The problem with some of that hurt and disappointment is that my life is filled with people who continue to hurt and disappoint me. How do I let go of hurt and disappointment by these people if I still live and interact with them daily? Knowing I should have no expectations is easy. Doing it, difficult!

Then there is the trauma I experienced with the heart connection. It has skewed my outlook on life and increased my bitterness tenfold. The hurt and decimation I experienced has been difficult to move through.

At the time of the heart connection I was going through a major Kundalini rising and had several K-events before, during and after. I came to see myself as special for these experiences – and I was – but then those experiences died alongside the heart connection. Now I am back to being just ordinary and left floundering about, trying to figure out what I am suppose to do. Who am I?

This morning I was awakened by a message. It came via a vision of a word being written in my mind, one letter at a time. The word was: Wounded. It was written in white, cursive letters on a light blue background.

This confirmed that to let go, I need to inspect my wounds, acknowledge and accept them as a part of me – my battle scars – but not allow them to define me.  

As I lingered in bed I had a memory from my childhood that gave me pause. As a little girl of probably 6-7 years old, I use to wonder, “What is love? What does love feel like?” These questions came up often as I grew, too. In fact, they were frequently on my mind. I truly didn’t know, based upon my own feelings and what I’d observed and experienced in my life, what love was. 

I think these questions came about as a result of the experiences I had with my mother and siblings early on. My mother could be very loving and cuddly, but more frequently she was quite mean and ruthless. Surely love wasn’t physical and emotional abuse, ridicule and humiliation? Not only that, but my siblings never seemed to show a consistent love for me either. In fact, I felt less from them than my mother. And my father? He was completely distant and unreachable for the most part. Being myself often resulted in rejection but being what (I thought) they wanted me to be did, too. So confusing!

I remember deciding at one point that I must love someone if when I thought of them dying it made me sad. I think I was a teenager or pre-teen when I decided that was what love was and felt like. Still, though, something about that answer didn’t feel right. 

Perhaps I have been on a quest to learn what love is this entire life? It seems so. Have I figured it out? Not exactly. I am closer to understanding it, though. For certain, the human definition of love is not the same as the Divine type. Human love is riddled with expectation and as a result can be withheld and taken away at will. Human love can be horribly cruel and destructive. Divine love is consistent and flows through everyone and everything. It is not withheld or taken away. Everything about Divine Love acknowledges and accepts the individual AS THEY ARE. Sadly, the human experience and conditioning can and most often does block us from receiving this kind of love. So human love has trumped the Divine kind. 

My experience of Divine Love and then the seeming loss of it has scarred me. I don’t like human love and don’t want to participate in any of it. Yet that is all that surrounds me. Human love is so riddled with expectation that I feel like I am on an obstacle course in every relationship I have, trying hard not to get knocked down by the sudden realization that, for each person, I am not enough and never will be. 

Then I thought of my completely open solar plexus in Human Design. I have absolutely no defined way of experiencing emotion, love included. I can be completely devoid of feeling/emotion or I feel it all to the point of overwhelm. Mostly I am neutral. This often causes other people to think of me as cold and unfeeling. They often feel my neutrality as rejection, especially those with defined solar plexuses. Sadly, I will never know what they know in this life because I do not have the means to. Love will be a mystery until I die. As will all the other emotions. 

On the bright side, having a completely open solar plexus frees me from emotional decision-making. Well, I am free only if I avoid being pulled into others emotions and letting those emotions sway me. Unfortunately, others do not see my decision-making as good if I disregard emotion, mine and others.

The message of me being “wounded” is likely linked to my openness (HD). So much conditioning, so much confusion on my part as I try to navigate life and constantly run into people who pull me one way or the other. I am meant to flow but how do I maintain flow when I am being pulled in so many directions? Do I just ignore what feelings I have all the time, remaining neutral throughout? I don’t want to just be trampled all the time, yet that is how I feel. I feel powerless almost all the time. It is no wonder I am always trying in vain to control things – anything to help me feel more sane.

I recognize that we come here to navigate the obstacle course called life. It is a “game”. Sadly, I feel I have been knocked down so much I don’t want to play the game anymore. Why get back up only to be knocked back down? I’ve gotten to the point that even the simplest life problems take a huge toll on me. The tiniest amount of effort exhausts me (emotionally mostly, but also physically at times). 

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Lucid Dream: Just Let Go

Yesterday afternoon, I was driving my daughter home from a friend’s house. I had just merged onto the highway and came to another entrance ramp and had to slow to let a truck merge. Something fell out of the truck and rolled in a crumpled heap on the road. At first I thought it was a squirrel but it jumped up, very much alive and well, and it was a kitten! It ran into the grassy median. The truck must’ve seen it, braked hard and drove through the median and onto the feeder road going the wrong way. Both myself and my daughter were relieved the kitten had survived.

While this may seem like a coincidental happening, I don’t believe it was and I will reveal why later.

Then, last night I had a fleeting thought about how my sleep no longer feels like the reprieve it once did. I no longer look forward to sleep nor do I look forward to writing in my blog or journal because of it. Then came a thought of, “This is about the time something normally happens.” “Something” meaning an OBE, lucid dream, K dream or guide visit (or all of the above). 

Lucid Dream: Just Let Go

I suddenly became aware of traveling inside a car. I was floating inside, not sitting, and the details of the actual car were missing. It was more like a huge, confined space. I felt someone with me but didn’t see him. I thought of him as Tom Cruise (lol). He directed my attention to an open moon roof above me. I think he suggested I go out and my mind responded with uncertainty. There was a feeling of being told that I should take the risk, that’s what Tom would do. 

So, I went through the window. My thoughts were focused on what could happen with the main scenario being that I would float and not fall. Sure enough, I floated over the moving car and it sped ahead. Below I could see the road, above a blue sky and around me tall trees. 

I flew forward as I continued to talk with the man in my mind. My vision was clear as I flew, but I was mostly looking inward so my memory of the scenery is limited to flashes of imagery. Eventually, I came to some structures and flew through them one by one. Fully expecting to feel the fibers and constructions of the objects, I braced myself, but only felt an interruption in energy and lost my vision briefly. Some structures took longer to fly through than others. The more objects I passed through, the less tense I was. 

At one point, as I was flying and practicing moving through objects, I began to focus on my breathing, taking deep, purposeful breaths. The whole time I was talking with the man who I never once saw but perceived to be flying beside me.

Eventually, I paused and just floated a while, still taking deep breaths. I close my eyes and flipped upside down and then spun around. This also made me feel a bit worried but I reassured myself that however I landed would be right side up. Still spinning, a song-like chant began to go through my mind. It was a woman’s voice singing, “Just let go….Just let go…Just let go….” I began to sing along with her, my breathing deepening. The sensations of floating and slowly spinning was pleasant but I knew I was gaining lucidity quickly because I began to have awareness of my physical body, specifically breathing and the sensations of my closed eyes.

In the background, behind the main chant-like message of “Just let go”, another song was playing in my mind. It was Imagine Dragons, It’s Time. 

It’s time to begin, isn’t it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I’ll admit
I’m just the same as I was
Now don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am

As I grew more lucid and right before I opened my physical eyes, I saw visuals of symbols flying at me at high speed and then disappearing into me, as if being absorbed. I recognized them as Light Language and this was what finally woke me.

Knowing

Once awake I struggled to return to sleep. I had a familiar feeling of Knowing, something I haven’t felt in a long time, and when I thought about the dream I received tingling energy hugs that spread from the center of my back to my front in waves. 

Besides the more obvious messages of the songs, I Knew the dream practice of going through objects contained a message. The objects represented moments in life where I would run into obstacles and temporarily lose sight of the path ahead. I would also experience an interruption in energy. This interruption and loss of vision had the potential to throw me off kilter but was temporary. I remember distinctly knowing that “Tom” said to me when I got to the other side of one of the objects, “You are the same now as you were before.” This is probably where the Imagine Dragons song came from. This message was loud and clear as I lay in bed contemplating the experience. It is true. Every obstacle I encounter in life has the tendency to throw me off for a while. I lose sight of my path and the energy feels all wrong. Eventually, though, I get to the other side and when I do I am exactly as I was before but perhaps with more courage and insight.

There was also a distinct reminder that I am a walk-in. Not long ago, on May 29, I had a dream in which I was reminded of this fact, too.

“I saw an older Asian woman sitting, legs extended on a large bed covered in nice linens. She said, “Come. Sit on my lap.” I hesitated, not knowing who she was or why she would ask such a thing. She patted her lap encouragingly, so I climbed up onto the bed with her. I said, “I am too big.” She patted her lap again and so I climbed onto her lap. She asked, “What is bothering you?” I suddenly felt very much like a small child in her grandmother’s lap. Sadness and grief swept over me and I replied, “I wish I were Home.” I burst into tears and woke up. 

The conversation with the woman continued after I woke despite my trying to return to sleep. The conversation details are mostly lost to me now. The main thing I recall is that I Remembered all at once and Knowing returned. To summarize, I remembered that I was a walk-in and had been integrating for quite a long time.“

After the above dream I still doubted the walk-in because memory of those times seems like a dream; like it wasn’t real and never happened. The return of Light Language symbols in this dream seemed to scream, “Remember who you are.” 

Dream: No Ordinary Guide

I managed to return to sleep and had another telling dream. In the dream I was with my friend Angela and a man who I didn’t recognize. He was young and black and quite attractive. We were sitting at a table discussing hair and he said he was growing his out. I asked if he planned to grow an afro again and he said yes with a big smile. I told him he looked good with it and also that he was very attractive and if I were his age I would date him. lol I then reminisced about my youth for a bit.

The discussion shifted to the spiritual and guides. I ended up channeling a guide who I thought was Angela’s but turned out to be my own. The young black man would ask me questions and I would answer them. I also had a blind fold over my eyes and kept it there for quite a long time. 

What I most recall about this guide was he was no ordinary guide. When I described his purpose it was quite profound. I wish I can recall the exact words now! In summary, though, he was not a typical guide but one sent to assist in ascension specifically. That was his only purpose. My sense in the dream was that he was “one of those guides” as in the kind I use to encounter that often resembled ETs or ascended masters. 

Eventually I took off my mask and drove my friend to her appointment. I got lost, though, and we ended up arriving late and the hair dresser wouldn’t do her hair. My friend asked me to color her hair and I agreed and the dream ended. 

Back to the Kitten….

The evening of the walk-in dream (May 29th) I had a short dream about a kitten. Cats and kittens symbolically represent the Divine Feminine, at least for me. I don’t like cats so dreams about cats and kittens are not because of my love for them. So, when they make an entrance I pay attention.

“Then I watched as a new, fluffy, orange kitten was being introduced to a house that had two adult cats, one male and the other female. The kitten was first introduced to the female, a calico, who initially hissed at it but then began to mother it. Then it was introduced to the male who immediately liked it. They both treated it like their own and someone commented that the kitten reminded the cats of their own kittens who had long been given away.“

When I woke from the above above dream, the Asian woman from the earlier dream sent me a vision.

“I was reminded that it was time to step into my role; who I was to become (or something like that). I saw at this time a large, gold embellished picture frame with no picture inside as a visual of the message. It felt like I was to create what would be displayed in the frame. I knew it was a picture of myself that was meant to go there.” 

I don’t think it coincidence that I saw the kitten fall out of the truck and survive on the highway. It is too “coincidental ” that I had a walk-in reminder dream right after.

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Dream: Vision Check

Woke up upset from a dream at 5am. In it, I got a phone call from my son’s friend’s mother. She said my son had been bitten by a dog but would be okay. When I asked questions she said the bite wasn’t as bad as the first one. I asked, “What do you meant the first one?” She ignored my question and told me he would be okay but I insisted she at least give him some pain meds. The connection was broken so I called back and got my son. She had taken him to a Rite Aid where she reassured me she was getting him taken care of. I asked to see the bite and saw it via video. My son’s entire thumb and two middle fingers were fully bandaged and blood was seeping through. This upset me further. The mom told me she gave him Xanax. Concerned because Xanax is not a pain medicine, I insisted she take him to the ER because he probably needed stitches. She kept saying he was okay. I finally threatened to call the cops but she hung up. 

The dream woke me up and I struggled to return to sleep. It bothered me that a mother would give a child Xanax.

Dream: Vision Check

The beginning of the dream is hard to recall. I was inside a suburban neighborhood in a house. It was early morning, so still somewhat dark outside. I noticed someone running through the back yard and across towards the street. He was wearing a dark hoodie and had a backpack. I thought the house must be located somewhere people used as a shortcut. Maybe he was headed to school.

I looked out the window to see where he was going and he went to the street and then down it. I saw a van parked there and yelled at it because I seemed to know who was inside. A head popped out, acknowledging me. So, I went out to the van.

I must have gotten inside the van because then I drove the car slowly up and down the road. As I looked to my left I notice the lines of suburban houses. One was the neighbor’s and looked to have had a new skylight installed. Curious, I stopped and put the van in reverse to get a better look. When I looked, though, all the houses were gone and in their place were red brick, nondescript buildings several stories high that stretched as far as my eyes could see. The windows were plain and spaced evenly like apartments. 

Thinking it odd, I stopped the van to go take another look. So, I backed up to see if the houses reappeared. In fact, I thought, “They will reappear”, recognizing I was creating what I saw. Sure enough, the houses were back just as before. Laughing, I got out of the car to walk the road so I can see my creation but was nearly struck by people walking or running past. They were all are wearing dark hoodies, some in groups, and it felt unsafe, so I jumped in the passenger’s side of the van. My husband was inside and I asked him to look outside and tell me what he saw. I asked him if he saw houses or the red, brick buildings. I don’t remember his response but the van moved forward and I saw the red brick buildings again. I put my head and upper body out the window to look as the van gets closer. The buildings were about five or six stories tall and had no markings to indicate what kind of building they were but seemed to be apartments. Eventually, though, I saw a glowing, white sign on the building. The sign read, “Vision Checks” or something like that. I think it must be a hospital, maybe even an ER, but there are no other markings. Could it be a prison? There were no bars indicating such a structure, though.

I woke up around this time but ended up going in and out of the in-between for a bit. All I really remember is mulling over the red brick buildings. Why did I see them? What does it mean? The answer I received is that the dream is showing me something about myself. 

Perhaps I consider suburbia a prison? That thought has definitely crossed my mind before. However, upon further consideration, I think it is more that all the houses represent “individuals” and the red brick buildings are the reality. We are all the same. Yet, I am aware of a side of myself that is critical of the human desire to be special and unique. Each house is a unique representation of an individual. I reject this and replace the houses with the identical brick buildings.

The “vision checks” sign is likely my subconscious trying to get through to me. I should “check my vision”. 

In the end, my takeaway is that one’s perspective paints their reality. I can choose to be critical of all the people around me desperately trying to distinguish themselves from one another or I can see it as the soul creating something unique via individual experience.

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Dream: Buried Horses

Woke up in tears twice last night/this morning.

But first, something interesting happened yesterday. 

Through the window I saw two men struggling with a cat. One had on gloves and the other had a carrier. The cat kept attacking the man wearing gloves but it didn’t run far. It seemed injured and the men weren’t making progress, so, I went out with a large towel to try and help. The men were grateful and tried covering the cat with a towel. Surprisingly, it jumped and ran away and hid in the bushes. It’s hind legs were definitely injured. We followed it but it was very obviously stressed, panting hard and pupils dilated. We decided to let it rest and one of the men was going to call animal control.

I went back to my house to work and watched the cat from the window. It didn’t move and the sun was beating down on it. After some time passed I felt bad and took it some water. It wouldn’t drink and just hissed at me. So I returned to watch from a distance while I worked. 

Eventually one of the men returned. I went out and he said animal welfare didn’t open until 11am and were on their way. It had been over an hour. The cat was still alive but weak and stressed. Animal welfare arrived and picked it up easily. It hissed but didn’t put up a fight. It was too weak. The welfare worker said it was going directly to the vet. If it survived they would place it for adoption.

I went inside and cried a bit for the poor thing. I noted that it was likely symbolic and a message I needed to pay attention to. Cat = Divine Feminine, feminine sexuality. This cat was injured and refused help (stubborn). It only accepted help when it was near death and completely exhausted. 

On to the dreams….

Uncle Visit

I don’t remember much about the beginning of this dream now, unfortunately. I remember my uncle was there and I was in awe of his transformation from the man I once knew to the man he was in the dream. Though he was old, I admired him and could feel a strong connection between us that caused me to not care that he was so much older or that he was my uncle. It was as if we were the same age to me.

In one scene I was walking through a dark room towards a closed, half door. As I walked what looked like a large turkey ran across my path. It hid and I continued walking. I came upon a woman who was there and said to her, “Be careful, I saw a turkey. I think he hid under there.” I pointed to an old table on its side. The woman laughed and ran up to the table and reached underneath. She pulled out a red hen and cuddled it. It was friendly and she held it close.

I went inside a room where I saw my uncle. He told me about losing his beloved dog and how he had to put her down when she was 12 years old, saying she “lived until the day she died”. There was a visual of the dog, a small Chihuahua that was active and energetic. I saw the dog stop in her tracks and fall over when she died. 

I walked away for a bit, pondering the visual of the dog. I wanted to tell my uncle something. When I returned, he wasn’t a he, though, but a tall, older woman with long graying hair. Still, I knew his energy and that it was him using a different body/image. I said, “I meant to tell you something regarding the loss of your dog. You said she lived until the day she died. Well, I wanted to say, we all do [live until the day we die]”. In the dream, saying this felt poignant for some reason.

The most vivid part is the end. I looked up at my uncle as the woman. She was much taller than I and very beautiful despite being old and gray. I asked, “Why weren’t you like this when I was younger?” I began to sob to the point that I could hear my sobs in the dream. I woke up still crying.

Buried Horses

I returned to the dream with the female version of my uncle. Still a woman, she was telling me about how upset she was about 16 years she wasted on an old house. She said, “It’s been since 1930!” I said to her, “That must have been very difficult.” I listened with compassion and held one of her hands. What she was saying seemed important. The house was a total loss and she was upset for trying so hard and wasting so much time.

She told me about also her horses. She had to put them down. She showed me a visual of taking their bodies and burying them on a hill. She was grieving for them still and wanted to return to their burial site. I went with her. We walked up this tall hill and I could see the top of what appeared to be a brown horse’s head poking out of the dirt. I knelt down to look closer at the horse. It’s eyes were long gone and empty sockets stared back at me. I was then shown what was under the dirt. I saw the legs of the horses extending down into the darkness. 

I don’t remember why or when this dream made me cry but it did and I woke briefly only to return to the in-between. There I saw a visual of my uncle as both the male and female versions. I saw over his head the number 52 while also hearing it spoken. I sensed a heavy dread indicating that difficult times were ahead. This woke me completely and I said, “I don’t want to be that age.” I heard him ask why and I replied, “It’s too old.” I felt suddenly very old and tried to return to sleep, but couldn’t. 

Messages

I realized quickly some of the messages from the dreams. 

The turkey turned chicken is symbolic of fear. I am fearful of the turkey, avoiding it and warning another of its presence. Then the turkey is actually a very nice, pet chicken. So, this could be symbolic of confronting my fears; recognizing that what appears scary isn’t really scary.

What I said about living until the day we die was very much reminiscent of the other dreams I’ve had recently about running out of time in this life. It felt like I was noticing that I can either live fully until the end, or not.

My comment to my uncle that made me cry is about me wishing that I had the wisdom of old age in my youth. It felt very much like my other dreams that indicated that there was not much left of this life. 

In the following dream, the 16 years stands out to me because this year marks year 16 of my marriage. A house is symbolic of one’s Self. In this case, the Self has spent 16yrs focusing on a life lesson/path. The woman, very likely an older, wiser version of myself, is regretting spending so much time on this one lesson. She feels she wasted too much time on it and regrets that her efforts to “save” it were unsuccessful.  

Finally, burying the horses seems to have two messages. 

First, symbolically, dead horses mean a stage of life is coming to an end. Usually, it indicates the end of a relationship and the grieving process. It suggests a warning of difficult times ahead. It is a message that it is time to let go of a person or thing(s) that is no longer significant to you at this point of  your journey. It is time to start working towards something new, leaving the past behind and forging a new path. A dead, brown horse (like this one was) is symbolic of paying too much attention to others and neglecting yourself. Source: https://www.fromtheangels.com/spirituality/dead-horse-spiritual-meaning-and-symbolism/

The fact that I went back with the older version of myself to visit the horses indicates that I am willing to confront the situation(s). I am recognizing the upcoming difficulties despite them making me uncomfortable and sad. 

The buried horses remind me of a song I use to listen to frequently. Specifically, a verse – “I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground”. The song is about leaving the past behind and ending repetitive, negative cycles. 

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Unexpected Dream Visit

A full night of dreams. I had a surprise dream visit from an online friend. I almost became lucid from it, recognizing I was with him in the dream. This is the second dream now where I realize I’m dreaming but don’t direct the dream afterward.

Dreams

Three-Legged Person

I was in a coffee shop with someone I never saw but we were observing the people in the space and talking about our observations. There was a man dressed all in white standing at the counter. His two legs were in one pant leg only. Across the room was a woman who was similarly dressed all in white and also had two legs in one pant leg. The observation was stated that they must have once been two halves of a whole and how that would’ve looked. I saw the man and woman together, then, walking through the doors as a three-legged person. The large, middle leg was prominent, and they appeared happy. I wondered what it must be like. Surely, it would become uncomfortable after a while and the two would want to be separate and go their own ways? Then I saw the two apart again and my attention was directed to another part of the room.

In front of me was a golden colored, circular table. It was small and obviously meant to seat only two people. On the table were various items. I began to sort through them as I spoke to my companion. The only item I remember now is a small, boxy purse that had a latch on the front. I didn’t open it but set it on the table. 

I remember being informed about a friend’s love issues. He was struggling and seemed to have experienced yet another failed romance. I remember commenting that I wasn’t surprised by this. It was at this point I think that a decision was made but I can’t remember what it was. This is where the dream ended.

Genetic Manipulation 

The above dream blanks out and I shifted into a new scene. Note: I think what actually happens is I enter a different stage of sleep and the shift occurs when I re-enter REM.

I was walking across a green field (emotional and intimate connection with another) with a man. I could see a single-lane, paved road (life path) ahead of us and more green fields on the other side of the road. It was a very beautiful place and I felt at ease there with the man.

Some cats (feminine sexuality, creativity) cross our paths and I notice one had very strange color markings that reminded me of a red fox. It’s body is mostly black but its feet, ears, paws and tail were red. The man mentions genetic manipulation caused the odd patterning and I brought up gene splicing but he insisted this kind of manipulation was very different. It felt like the manipulation changed the very core of the sequence creating a newly evolved cat. We talked in depth about the female cat (Divine Feminine) who mothered this “mutant” cat but most of it is lost.

We continued walking towards the road. When we cross it the direction we were walking continues straight ahead but my perspective turns back in the direction from which we came. It is like someone picked up the whole scene and turned it around. It was momentarily disorienting and I noted it in the dream.

Our discussion changed to manipulation of human genes. My friend spoke about his research and I begin to regard him as a doctor. We entered a building and know there is a research team meeting in a separate room from where we are. My friend remains with me and continues to talk about his research. 

Something about the way he talks and his mannerisms brings to my awareness a person I know in waking reality. Smiling to myself, I am amused by this person’s tendency to go on and on about topics that interest them. I turn and look at him, confirming he is who I know him to be, and think, “I wonder if he knows who I am?” We are standing in front of a counter, both of us leaning on it, our forearms nearly touching. He is still talking about his research. I look down at his bare arm and move mine up against his and then touch his hand. Looking up at him, I ask him, “Do you know who I am?” He pauses and confirms that he does. Our connection is apparent in that moment and I feel a strong desire to get very close and snuggle with him. It is a very friendly, familial and comfortable feeling.

He continues talking, thoroughly immersed in the topic. He asks me about pregnancy (new life, potential) and I remember talking to him about my SIL’s experiences with miscarriage. His interest lies in the experience of pregnancy, though, and he asks me to recount my own experience. I wonder what part he is interested in and ask, “What month? Maybe the 5th?” He says he is interested only how it felt. I focus in on a memory of one of my pregnancies and see my baby laying sideways across my mid-section. I describe this and he askes, “But how does it feel?”  I try to feel into the memory and describe what I feel.

Next, he offers me a bag of M&M’s (sweetness, temptation). I laugh, feeling suddenly playful, and grab it. He asks me to pick one and see if I can pick the red (passion, sexuality) one. I dig into the bag, sneaking a peak, and select a red one. I place it in front of him and hand him the bag. I feel successful.

I am surprised to have had a dream visit and lay thinking about it for a while. A song is on my mind throughout this time, specifically this part: “Get out of my head”. I’m not sure why this song was going through my mind but it might have to do with the ending of the dream where I am being asked to focus on how I feel.

Towed

Again a shift and I find myself on the phone with a female friend of mine. She tells me her car was towed and their other car broke down. The conversation is cut short. She has to go. I tell her, “If there is anything I can do, let me know.” 

Then I am in the parking lot (paused in life, waiting) with her husband. He is explaining that a private lot where they use to park suddenly began to tow vehicles parked illegally without informing anyone of their decision. His wife’s car was one of those. He showed me the fence they put up. It had barbed wire on the top. He showed me the area where they had parked. It was not in a space but in a corner. There was another car parked in a similar corner that he said would soon be towed. I remember noting the parking lot was not paved but gravel with very green grass around the edges. My friend’s husband seemed worried but also like he normally does in waking reality, making it seem like he had everything handled. This is rarely the case, though. 

This is the third dream about my friend in a couple of weeks. In this particular dream, it feels like I am being given a glimpse at a current life issue. Towed car could indicated an unexpected life path disruption. That her husband’s car is broken down indicates his life path is unchanged, unmoving, or stuck. He is confident he can help but he can’t and she knows it.

Song

When I woke I recognized how the first two dreams were related. The first dream appeared to be about my friend’s issues with romantic relationships. He desires a close partnership where the two are as one (three-legged person) but ultimately the two do not remain that way. The second was a continuation of the first dream but he had changed the topic to genetic research. 

I was surprised to have had a dream visit from this friend. I haven’t heard from him (in dreams or otherwise) in quite some time. It seems he was sharing some of his life experiences with me as well as some of his current research interests. The feeling in the dream gave me the sense that we often guide/assist one another.

As I attempted to return to sleep, a song chorus came to mind – “Everybody hurts sometime. Everybody lose their mind. Yeah, we’re gonna be alright. You can rely on me”.