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Dream: Not Going Home, Feeling Home

This is the post I wrote on the 24th but never had time to post:

Happy Christmas Eve to everyone (and to some Christmas Day!). I hope you are surrounded by family and friends and enjoying all the positive things the holiday season has to offer. If you are struggling – however that might be – I hope the love I am sending you can brighten your day for at least a little while.

My family plans are simple, as they tend to be most years during the holidays. We will be visiting my Mom’s house tonight to celebrate early. My brother drove in from Arizona a couple of days ago so we get to visit with him again. Always a treat because he is one of the few family members who knows me and is accepting of all that I am. We will open presents early and have a nice Christmas Eve meal together.

This year I tossed out all my money concerns and typical “budgeting” scheme and opted to be a bit freer with my gifting. I have kept my mouth shut whenever my husband goes overboard (which he always does) and even purchased gifts for the people he usually does the buying for, people who he calls family but I don’t. For 10 years we have had disagreements over this group and his over indulgence of them because his definition of family and mine are so different. Ultimately, I saw my wrong in this. His family = my family no matter the definition used. I can be so frickin’ stubborn and ridiculous sometimes. So as a means to get over myself (LOL) I bought each of those family members pretty pricey presents and did so without any resentment. What is funny is that when I told my husband he actually indicated he had not wanted to buy them anything this year! Hahaha That is how it works, you know. When the energetic barrier/rift comes down the other person becomes suddenly reasonable and changes their mind. I was left thinking, “What we were fighting about this whole time?” 😀

This morning I was reminded of how miserable I have been in past Christmas’ (most of my adult ones sadly). It was like memories in a slide show flashed through my mind. I saw myself from the perspective of the Observer and wondered about my misery. Why was I choosing to be unhappy during such a happy time? I knew it was because I was focused on the wrong things. This year that will not happen.

From A Place of Nothingness, Something-ness Arrives

For a while now I’ve been feeling adrift in the sea that is my life. It is literally like I’m on a tiny raft in the middle of a huge ocean with no ability to tell one direction from the other. There is no land in sight and I have long ago given up hope of ever reaching my destination. In fact, I can’t even remember where I was going. This feeling has been increasing over time, getting stronger and stronger to the point that I am so use to feeling it that it doesn’t even bother me anymore. To try and consider the future is pointless from this place of nothingness. To look at the past does no good either for I am not that person anymore. It only makes sense to focus on the present and take from it what can be gained, focusing on the good and floating along with the current.

It is a strange feeling this “going with the flow”. For me it is completely out of character but I find myself in this space because my struggling has gotten me nowhere. Exhaustion set in and I gave myself up to the sea. Thing is, I didn’t drown like I thought I would. I floated up to the surface and as long as I don’t struggle I continue to float. It has left me in awe because when I don’t struggle the only thing I see is the sky and possibility. When I do struggle I go under water and well you know how your vision is under water – clouded and blurry and you cannot see the sky very clearly if you look up, sometimes not at all.

The me that wants to plan ahead, who does all the “what if” questioning, looking at scenario after scenario, is still there. I still get upset, antsy, resistant, but it rarely lasts. The path ahead is still unknown and I am okay with that. I still worry about what I will do career-wise sometimes because nothing feels right. I want to know that path but am okay with not-knowing and let it go. Honestly, it feels like I don’t care but that is not it. My Ego wants to label it as that but I know better. I am just going with the flow, letting the current take me where it will. I accept that my life here is not my own. This is not a “bad” thing, either. It means that I understand that I am here to help others and those “others” are all of humanity (and all of my family, too). It means that my life IS my life but not my Ego’s life. It belongs to a Me that Knows and so in giving up control of my (Ego) life I am putting my full trust in Me. The minute this decision was made, I experienced relief. I can’t even describe it. And it didn’t come all at once, it was a slow, expanding of relief that brought both physical and spiritual calm.

It wasn’t until I began typing this post that all of the above was made known to me, at least in a human-consciousness sort of way – in word rather than feeling/Knowing. Is this Ego death? Perhaps. Maybe? Probably. Should I celebrate? No, but I will smile. Celebrating would insinuate that I “won” but this is not a battle, never was. <——“never was” are the key words here.

Right now I feel it. I want the universe to Know that I finally get it. This is what surrender feels like and it isn’t bad at all.

Dream: Not Going Home, Feeling Home

This morning I got to sleep in until 8 a.m. Yessss! I was pleasantly surprised by where my dreams took me.

The night began with all kinds of twists and turns. I will skip those, though, because they are inconsequential. Instead I will start at the church/library (spiritual nourishment/place of wisdom) where my group was taken by bus.

Inside this building I was waiting with others, others I knew from my visit to Tennessee in 2016. In fact, this whole dream seemed to be the result of me discussing that trip and my experiences there. In particular a friend of mine was with me, a friend who I have been out of communication with for a while now. She was very pleasant with me and I felt our connection and her love for me.

The rest of our group got into the bus (personal setback or feeling left out) and left. It was just myself, my friend and a handful of others that remained. I was picking up my things and preparing to leave. I had a sad feeling but I can’t place why. It could have been because there was discussion about my sister and it turned into her sending a friend to come retrieve some jewelry. I saw a woman come in and take a long, beaded necklace from the bedside table where my things had been. It looked like belly dancing (comfort with self) jewelry (one’s self worth). The woman left some and I quickly grabbed some pieces to keep for myself but then changed my mind and put them back along with my own jewelry recognizing I didn’t want or need any of it.

I turned toward the front of the building and my perceptions brightened. The entire space turned golden and it was like an ethereal light was lighting the entire room. I suddenly became aware of a young boy. He was familiar to me. In fact, I recall him from many past dreams and OBEs. He had dark hair and eyes and a familiar smile.

We were talking but I can’t recall our conversation until he triggered my lucidity. We were talking about what I was going to do next. I remember telling him I thought it might be time for me to revisit using my spiritual gifts, specifically precognition. As I spoke to him I saw the mountains of Georgia and Tennessee in my mind. I was explaining how I missed Home and at first I thought I was talking about TN as my home but it soon became apparent that I was not. There was, however, a longing to return to that area. It felt like Home to me.

The boy and I kept our distance as we talked. He was repairing a torn couch cushion (need for rest and relaxation) that looked like someone had intentionally taken the stuffing out (repairing indicates he was doing the opposite of resting/relaxing and is correcting the situation). He said, “I have often wanted to go Home, too.” He said this to make me feel better. He didn’t want me to feel alone but he also wanted me to know that he felt for me to want this (to die) was not good for me. I remember once he told me, “You need to work on that.”

I was sitting on a church pew (personal reflection) looking out the back window as he spoke to me. I turned and saw him re-stuffing a cushion. As he said, “I have often wanted to go Home, too…” I corrected him and said, “I don’t want to go Home, I want to feel Home.”

When I said this to him I had such Knowing, such peace. It was clear to me that I had never really wanted to go Home because it was never a place but a Beingness – a feeling. I said to him, “I came here not really knowing why…..And here you are and I am getting exactly what I wanted (meaning feeling Home).” When I said “here” it felt like Tennessee but also the place where we were in the dream.

I turned and gazed out the window of the church. I could see a line of children happily running toward the library (yes it was a church but also a library). I remember thinking, “Oh yeah, school’s out.” I knew they were coming into the church/library where I/we were. My time with him would be interrupted soon and I would go. I didn’t care, though. I felt this amazing, peaceful, happy feeling. It felt like everything would be alright, nothing was ever wrong in the first place. I was so completely and utterly happy, I can’t even describe it.

I could feel the boy coming closer. I say “the boy” but in my mind I kept feeling like his name was Kevin. Without looking I knew he had moved and was sitting to my right. When I turned he was sitting very close to me and we were face-to-face. He was smiling and his eyes were bright and familiar. He leaned in and kissed me gently on the lips. I kissed him back and in my mind I kept thinking, “I am Home. This is Home. He is Home.” I pulled back briefly concerned that the children would come in anytime and that I was too old to be kissing a mere boy of 9-10 years old, but I pushed those considerations out of my mind. I didn’t care. I remember thinking, “I never got to kiss you…..” And then he was kissing me gently again and I was memorizing the feel of his lips and the kiss, relishing every minute of it and remembering that I had done this a thousands times before. The joy I felt is indescribable. It bubbled up inside me to the point that I could not contain it and I awoke still feeling his lips on mine.

Afterward I lingered in the feeling, smiling because it had felt so real. I do not recall feeling the Divine love and friendship I am use to feeling, at least not like in other dream experiences. However, I did feel unusually happy and blissful and had we continued to kiss I would likely have had some major heart bliss as I could sense it stirring even as I awoke. The feeling is of such safety and security, as if there is no past, present or future and time doesn’t exist. There is only love, joy, and a sense of never, ever being alone.

Note: This note is mostly to those who may think the “boy” in this dream represents an actual person in waking reality. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t, or maybe it is both. I have long since given up on trying to figure it out. I do Know he is a manifestation of my masculine half and I have come to understand that he manifests as many different individuals in my dreams, all of them male with similar characteristics (dark hair and eyes). He is all of my masculine identities, all of the roles I have played in other lifetimes and dimensions. He is Me and I am Him and we are One, though we are temporarily separated for experience purposes. I am slowly learning about myself via my interactions with him. He is showing me MySelf.

I knew prior to this dream that he was coming for a visit. I was warned before I fell asleep but didn’t really think about it or even believe it meant an actual meeting. Thankfully I no longer feel pain at our meeting and consequent separation in my dreams. 🙂

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2 OBE’s and Message: I’m On My Way

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas! I have an entire other post written from the 24th but it has been so busy that I have not had a chance to post it. My two oldest both got computer games and so have taken over the computers in the household. This morning I put my foot down and took mine back. lol Now I know why so many parents buy their kids laptops at a young age! Ha! Since they are so inexpensive now I may end up giving in and buying an el cheapo for them to share (share? what’s that? HAHAHA).

Christmas came and went without much hoopla (thank God). We’ve already had two of the three we have each year. The next will be on the 29th with my husband’s extended “family”. That one will be CrAzY!

Here’s some photos of Christmas.

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Christmas morning – Monty’s in Adrian’s lap. 🙂

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Christmas Eve – our gingerbread house.

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Christmas Eve at my Mom’s

Dream: Mutilation 

Strange dreams again last night. In this one I was reporting for my new “assignment”. It was in a secret location. Inside the underground location was a group and the feeling I had was that the leader of this group was some kind of New Age revolutionary for change. He felt somewhat like a guru but was not. He was just very wise and Knowing – a teacher.

I was given my assignment after a debriefing. The main thing I remember about my debriefing was body mutilation for cultural reasons, specifically circumcision. My group’s job was to go to a location and meet a “victim” and get him to share his story on video.

I knew I was to do certain rituals every day, reporting to the headquarters to meditate and chant specific mantras. I watched as a group of very important people visited the leader. When they came in there was a strong energetic shift. They were super tall and looked like elephants! I was shocked and in awe at the same time. When they spoke to our leader it was in a different language. All I could make out were clicks and strange noises there was no way I could make with my mouth.

As I watched the interaction I saw the elephant men shift shape and look more like tall, insect-like creatures with overly large heads. Their color changed to a rusty color, too. They acknowledged that I was watching by looking my way and nodding their heads. After this I was able to understand what they said. They mentioned that our group and our leader were “genetically modified” and they were not. They had come to make sure our instructions were understood.

I left with my group and entered a hospital where the victim was staying. I knew somehow that my job assignment had shifted from teacher to nurse and was a bit overwhelmed at knowing this. Two of my group members did most of the talking as we interacted with a man in a hospital bed. I took over when I saw he was not interested and soon realized it was not a man but a woman and that she had also been mutilated (clitoral circumcision). I was horrified.

As we left I met the nurse taking care of her. She was super tall, at least a foot taller than me. I hugged her and said, “I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you.” As I said this I burst into tears, my heart ripped apart by the heaviness of the entire human race.

Interpretation

I suspect this dream is mostly about my changing roles and assignments. It is a sneak peak of the changes ahead. The elephant is likely symbolic of the Kundalini again and I do believe that I encountered E.T.s, though what kind I am not sure. I wasn’t afraid nor was I even nervous. The language was odd and the entire dream had a sacred feel about it.

It feels like I was taking on the pain of the human race – again. The way my heart overflowed for humanity was familiar and very real. I am getting use to it, though, so I am not feeling completely decimated by it. The mutilation is likely symbolic of how we mutilate ourselves and our Earth. It is very sad so I am not surprised that I burst into tears.

OBE: Cheers!

When I woke up I was still crying and a bit confused. I asked to go OOB and fell back to sleep.

I exited my body not long after and immediately went out the window of my bedroom. Outside it was dark and cold and I knew my trip would be brief. I sang aloud to keep my vibration up and stabilize myself. It worked and I flew up and above my neighborhood. It actually felt as if a giant hand was supporting me as I flew and I knew no matter what I would not become grounded suddenly.

I ran into a man holding a tray full of large bottles of beer. Still singing I smiled at him, grabbed a beer, took a drink and said “Cheers!” He smiled back and I recall a woman being with him. I greeted her and flew off on my way still singing and feeling light and happy.

I flew over treetops for a while noting that there was a magnetic pull upward always threatening to pull me up and out of the scene. I somehow knew that if I allowed myself to go with it that I would be taken elsewhere. This “elsewhere” was a place I have visited before. A sky world with floating cities and waterfalls. I looked up above me to see if there were any floating landmasses above me. I saw none.

Despite knowing this other place was awaiting me, I resisted the pull and came back into my body. My heart was racing and beating erratically. I took note and requested to leave again.

OBE: Summer

My request was interrupted by my daughter bursting into the room and telling me it was time to get up. I knew it was 10am and I should get up but I was too tired and told her to leave. She wouldn’t so I got up and ushered her and her little brother out. Closing the door I could hear the TV and tried to cover my ears and return to sleep. This was when I realized none of the interaction was real and I was dreaming.

I pulled myself out of my sleeping body and walked/floated into the other room. As I walked a piece of my sheet stuck to my foot and it took me a while to get it to come off. I saw my daughter and a little child. The child was sitting on the floor. Everything had a golden hue. I felt very happy and light and was eager to share it with my children. I took the little boy – now a girl – by the hand and headed toward the window. Another child appeared then, a little girl, and I took her hand also. All four of us went out the window but it morphed into an arched doorway. At our feet were tangled tree roots reminiscent of a fairy land. I was delighted!

Instead of flying I showed them how to jump really high and linger in the air. They did this with me for the rest of the OBE. It was warm and sunny outside and I remember saying how much I loved summer and how I wished it were summer now. There was a knowing that the coming summer would bring new life for me. There was so much more with this Knowing at the time but now it is lost to me. I relished the warmth of the sun and the bright green foliage of the trees and grass. It was in stark contrast to the bleak, cold and rain of the current winter.

I gazed up at the sky and saw a vast blue dotted with fluffy white clouds. I remembered again the floating cities of the astral land I once visited. There were no cities or landmasses above me but I knew somewhere they did exist.

There was a silent communication that it was time to wake up and I shifted back into my sleeping body without incident. Seamless re-entry – not vibrations or racing heart.

Song and Message

After I woke I lingered in bed for a moment. A guide was to my left and he asked me a question: “Would you like me to take you to our place?” I said, “Yes!” He asked me if I knew where it was. I said, “Yes!” and in my mind was memory of the floating cities of the astral sky world. He had taken me there before, long ago, and I had explored a floating building in the shape of a donut. We had traveled through this “building” (ship/craft is more like it). The walls breathed as if they were alive. Inside I was told it was the place where my “other body” lay in stasis. I never saw myself but another “friend” laying on a bed. I watched her sleeping body while her “dream” in holographic pictures formed in the space around her like a movie. I also saw her “guide” standing by her side.

There was an entire message from myself at this time. There were two me’s. One said one thing and the other in two-way conversation. It was an explanation and Knowing of all my dreams prior. The human me was excited and assuming I was ready to move forward in a certain situation. The other me explained matter-of-factly that I could not until I was Whole. There were still missing “pieces”. I saw these pieces as parts of my body, like a finger here or a foot there. Each section part was solid gold and shimmering and fit like a puzzle piece with the rest of my body.

When I came back to full awareness a section of a song was going over and over in my mind: “I’m on my way…..” On my way where? Home.

Note: When I told my daughter about my OBE and how we were jumping-flying she got really excited and told me, “I dreamed I was jumping really high last last night but I was in the back yard.” Ha! So cool!

Considerations/Knowings

Shit’s about to get real – well that’s the feeling anyway. Not sure what exactly that means in the big scheme of things but those of us who’ve been on this ascension path, riding it for umpteen years now, we’ve been through the ringer and back so many times now that we’ve grown use to being tied in knots so much that we may not know what to do now that we’re laying out to dry. It feels odd, doesn’t it?

My dreams suggest I have a new job. Not just the dream above but others as well. I’m not just a teacher anymore, I’m a nurse/doctor AND a teacher now, but the teacher me is mostly taking a back seat. What does this even mean? Hell if I know but I feel different. Nurses and doctors help the sick and dying. They tend to wounds and are all about healing and helping others. Maybe I am heading in that direction now, less focused on my own healing and more on others’….

I didn’t mention the other dream I had last night because most of it is lost to me. However, when I woke I was discussing taking a flight to Tennessee. WTF right? Why? Where did that even come from? I said to whoever I was talking to, “I can’t wait to drive there…” and was cut off with an image of an airplane and heard, “You will fly.” I was really excited but since I couldn’t remember why it was weird.

I have also recalled in-between discussions about using my spiritual gifts again, specifically precognition/readings. It always comes with a feeling…need almost….to get ready. There have also been discussion about my future, too, and how I will handle a certain coming situation, a situation I won’t go into now but one that will challenge me in ways I must prepare myself for. Mostly it is how to handle the feeling of Home on a daily basis without it completely destroying me and those I love. I realized just how not ready I am to have that feeling all the time. There is still too much human fear of loss and the stupid things the human me might do to avoid it. I may never really rid myself of it but there will be a time when I am up to the challenge of handling this fear with the help of another.

How all this will come to pass, I don’t know, but I trust that it will and won’t speculate on the specifics of it. It likely will not be anything like what I imagine. It never is.

 

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Dream: Double Dragon

I couldn’t sleep last night for a sore throat and severely watery eyes. Even sucking on a cough drop didn’t help. It was 2am before I fell asleep and I woke at 6am. 😦

Dream: Double Dragon

In this dream I recall being outside in the country walking along and then looking up in the sky to see two dragons (fiery personality, highly spiritual, good fortune). They seemed to be one but then not one, like flying so close they were one. I kept myself hidden under bushes, trees and such as I made my way through the country. I recall seeing the dragons several times. I wanted to stay hidden from them just in case they might eat me.

I encountered a crystal clear stream (profound understanding, emotion) running very swiftly downhill. It didn’t run through rocks or earth, though, but through a culvert or canal that shimmered with gold (spiritual reward) and crystal (unity with Higher Self) leafing. It went underground and I stepped into the shallow water and walked against the current up toward a small waterfall (letting go) that flowed out of an unknown source. Though it was underground it was very light and open inside with windows looking up and out onto the road the stream ran under.

Feet wet I crawled up a wall. Still on the lookout for the dragon I saw them in the distance to my left. So I grabbed onto little outcroppings in the wall of a building and crawled through a window. The building now reminds me of a castle (recognition for accomplishments).

Inside it was pristine, like a very fancy hotel (shift in personality). The windows opened up onto a veranda upon which I found myself. I walked through the glass doors and into the suite. I knew I had stayed there before. It was for couples and I remembered being with a partner though who that was specifically I do not recall.

I realized right away that the place had been locked up for the season. Everything was set up for the future guests – little welcome chocolates with note cards, flowers and fluffed pillows. It was very beautiful and a place I would love to stay at.

For some reason I became suspicious about the place being closed. It was too early in the season and so I investigated and soon found a young man laying on a sofa. I was with a woman and we discussed how it could have come to be that the place was closed down. She suggested the heir mismanaged the money and we went through photos of people from long ago.

The man on the sofa stirred. We suspected he was the heir and when he woke we confronted him about a murder (putting an end to something), though at the time there was no evidence of one. As we mentioned “murder” though there was a knife (aggression, need to be decisive) in his hand and it was found that he had stabbed (sexual domination) himself in an attempt to make it look like he was attacked. I remember there was blood (disappointment) all over his chest and we discussed how he could have stabbed himself in the heart and not died.

Changes of Note

When I woke this morning the dragons in the dream were vivid in my memory and made me think of Chinese astrology. I am a Dragon, specifically a Fire Dragon. My husband is also a Dragon. Whether that is significant or not, I don’t know, but it was on my mind upon waking.

It was curious to me that the dragons in my dream appeared as one. To me that seems to indicate a union of two aspects, likely masculine and feminine. The hotel I visited was one I had been to before, in my astral memories, and I had been with my partner. It seems to fit with the two dragons and the other dream symbols suggest my dream is about success in regards to some aspect of union.

In a conversation with my husband last night he brought to my attention positive changes he has seen in me. At first I didn’t know what he was talking about but later agreed with him. Mostly, the changes in me are that I am lighter, less prone to fixating on the negative, and less resistant. I have lost interest in fighting with my husband over any subject. It is just not worth my time or energy. I choose to focus on the things that lift me up and make me feel positive. This is a conscious decision I make over and over, day after day. If I find myself angry, upset, or fixating on something, then I make a conscious choice to let it go however I need to so that I feel relief.

I have completely let go of certain things that were weighing me down. As a result my mind is quieter and I am much more at peace with my life. That which use to bring me grief and heartache (heartsickness) no longer evokes those feelings but instead leaves me feeling calm and accepting. I recognize that the source of the connection, the Divine love and friendship that once caused me to feel like an insane drug addict (lol), is ME. I am the calm, the peace, the love, the friendship, the joy that I am seeking. It just isn’t as I assumed it would be. I kept thinking it was something I had to rise to, to obtain somehow through hard work and struggle. Slowly I am finding that access is granted via allowing, acceptance, patience, and nurturing of Self. It comes with ease and grace…..and I am slowly beginning to understand how to unlock mySelf from within…if that even makes sense. lol

Ultimately it all comes down to choosing in every moment what I want to experience; making a conscious CHOICE to flow with my life rather than against it. It isn’t as hard as it looks. The only time I really struggle (somewhat) is when I come up against something that triggers me in a negative way. It can be absolutely excruciating to let that go and allow things to flow as they are meant to. Giving others….ALLOWING others to have something at what my Ego thinks is my expense is not only difficult but sometimes scary as hell! It’s the giving up of my control….but no it isn’t. That’s a lie. It is better said that I trust that all will work out for everyone involved no matter how much my Ego interprets the present situation as being a threat to it. This trust involves knowing that no matter the outcome I CAN handle it and will never be given anything I cannot bear.

Someone once tried to explain the above to me and I just didn’t get it. I do now I think. Words just don’t explain it, though. You can say, “Live from the heart” but really it doesn’t mean anything until you have taken your own personal route to the heart and find yourself in it and finally understanding.

 

 

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Message: Goodbye

Yesterday I got my permanent crown. It was a simple procedure that didn’t require numbing but I asked for it anyway just in case. Not sure if it was the Novocaine or what but afterward I got really tired. So tired that ended up dozing off a little later on in the day. I am not one to take naps so for me to doze off mid-afternoon is unusual, especially being I was not in my own home at the time!

Throughout the nap I had conversations and felt to be somewhere else. I remember telling someone something about it being the “end” more than once but the context of it is lost to me now. I only remember it startled me awake.

Dream: Biting Baby

I had a busy night full of dreams. This has been the norm for over a week now and though I have posted some of them here, most never get mentioned. There have been some dream symbols repeating themselves : helicopters, dogs, and water to name a few.

One particular dream woke me in tears in the middle of the night last night. It began quite spectacularly. I was with a man and we were riding some kind of unearthly animal. I never saw the animal but if I had to give it a name it would be a landstrider like from the Dark Crystal. It was very rabbit-like and could move swiftly but it also was very, very tall. So tall that me and my friend were miles above the earth. I was thrilled.

The next thing I recall is seeing this little baby (something about self that is vulnerable and pure). It had been neglected or something because it would try and bite (childishness, anger) everyone viciously. Eventually it had to be handed over to a dark skinned young man I called, “Derrick”. The young man took the baby in his arms, it bit him and he ignored it, kissing it over and over again and cradling it to him. I said, “Thank you, Derrick” and turned and walked away. I became very distraught and began to sob. It felt like the baby hated me. I continued to cry so hard that it woke me up.

Dream: Give Them a Chance

In this dream I was with a group walking through a mall/outlet store (choices and options in life) that was near empty. We entered into a store and there was food set out. I remember talking with family about Christmas presents. Certain family members and friends still don’t have gifts and I am not sure what to get them. I tend to leave the gift buying to my husband but he has yet to buy them gifts.

At one point there was a buffet (a relationship is consuming too much of my energy) of food – hummus, crackers (caring for needs of others over my own), cheeses and such. As I began to fill my plate someone said something to me who was friends with my husband and in-laws. I was very abrupt with him, much more than I would normally be to the point of meanness. At the time there was another woman there who pulled me to the side. While she was talking to me I saw a very old chalkboard (there is a lesson to be learned from this dream) that was an antique and very special. She asked me to consider something. She said, “Since you have to spend so much time with ‘these people’ (as in the group of friends of my husband/in-laws), don’t you think you should give them a chance?” I paused and considered what she was saying. In the dream it was like time stopped at this point and a huge spotlight (feeling overlooked in life) was shining on me.

chalkboard

Dream: Haunted School

I was walking the halls of a mansion (my greatest potential/growth) that was also a religious school (lessons). Inside were many young children (youth, playfulness, potential). I remember going into a room and helping with a geography (travel/movement) class at one point but I did not work there.

I felt very tired (not wanting to acknowledge something) throughout the dream and kept finding places to sleep. There were beds situated everywhere it seemed and I crawled into one that was occupied by a young boy with special needs. Odd things kept happening, though, like toys being moved and water flooding areas where there had not been water before.

I moved to another room to find some peace and quiet and got into bed (bed, peace and quiet, rest). While there I was awakened by a presence. Realizing it had to be a ghost (something is no longer attainable) I began to speak some kind of warding spell or something. I saw a crib (nurturing side) in the corner of the room and noticed an arm (nurturing ability) with no body. Whatever I said made it go away. It was at this point in the dream that I was certain the school was haunted (unfinished emotional business).

Opting to leave the room I headed down the hallway and in a corner sitting in a rocking chair (ease, comfort, relaxation) was a haggard old woman (inner feminine, wisdom). She had glowing eyes and gray, wispy hair. She pointed her finger at me and her face lit up in a grotesque smile. Unafraid I went straight up to her and said some words and put my hand up as if to ward her off. I can’t recall what happened next but there was no fear from the dream.

Dream Snippets and Messages

Several mini-dreams interwoven into the other dreams.

In one I was sitting in the back seat of a car. It was night and in the front seat were two very large Mexican men speaking Spanish. They felt like bodyguards to me and I was listening intently to what they were saying. I interrupted the man driving and repeated back to him the English translation of what he said. I can’t remember it now but I was excited that I understood every word he said. We talked a while in English and Spanish, practicing our languages on one another.

I was in a room in a high-rise. Behind me in the window I saw a big, black helicopter hovering. It felt ominous, like it was after me. Feeling stalked by a helicopter means I feel I am pursuing other peoples’ goals rather than my own.

In yet another snippet I was in a gym (applying lessons learned) and the weights I was using fell apart (something not going as planned). Then I was seeking out my sister’s Jeep (be more active in life) and it began to drive itself. I got control of it and then walked my bird (goals, aspirations, hopes) to where my sister was. The bird was on a leash (restricted) and tired itself out to the point of exhaustion. When I took it to a shallow fountain to refresh itself it morphed into a very tiny, Chihuahua (insecurity).

There was a comic book text bubble that formed in my vision. It said in large, comic book text: GOODBYE. This particular snippet was after the haunted school dream.

In another vision I saw a chain with seven links and was asked if I was ready to end this life. I replied that I was but I knew it was unlikely that “end” meant what I wanted it to.

Finally, I saw myself going up a hidden staircase (higher levels of understanding) to a room in the attic (connection to my Higher Self). I had locked a dog (protection) inside the room. I told whoever I was with that no one could use the stairs but me, only I had the key (access) to go up. However, my husband (masculine aspect) could use the stairs to leave and go down.

Considerations

I’ve been having a strange feeling for several days now. It is a familiar feeling like something is about to happen; anticipatory. I keep finding myself focusing on Spirit to receive a message but never consciously receive anything. It’s like someone is saying, “Heads up!”

My dreams indicate an ending is approaching but what kind of ending is hard to say. There was a feeling this morning while I was in the in-between receiving all the odd messages and dream snippets that my healing period or whatever I have been going through is coming to an end. I am being “released” from treatment. It felt like I had been checked into a mental hospital and got my release papers. In fact, I have a vague memory of actually talking to a woman and getting my discharge papers but cannot place it as a dream or even an experience.

I’m not sure what the “Goodbye” was all about but it is the most vivid memory of the night. Goodbye could be confirmation that my healing guides/bodyguards are departing and leaving me to my path. As always the feeling is one of finality, like I will die any minute. Since I’ve had this feeling so many times now I know it is unlikely that my physical death is on the horizon.

 

 

 

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Dreams, Family and Another…. ReUnion?

Wow. Busy night. And the first thing I saw this morning was this article about the new moon in Sagittarius being conjunct the Galactic Center. Apparently Saturn has been in a 2.5 year cycle that is coming to an end. Just so happens that my spiritual journey has been incredibly intense over the last 2.5 years. Yeah, yeah, I know have been commenting that I don’t believe spiritual this and that (astrology for one) is contributing to my experiences. Well, I will suck it up and say that I typically pay attention to astrology regardless of how grumpy I am about my current situation.

My night was an endless stream of dreams delving into some deep shit. I woke more than once in tears. One time I was sobbing to the point of heaving and I couldn’t breathe.

Dream: Keeping Myself Prisoner

This was the first dream of the night and I only recall the very last parts of it. It took place on a boat/ship and I recall walking on board the ship across a bridge-type structure. I was with another woman and my husband, the latter I never saw. The ship must have been a cruise ship or similar because we had a cabin. I took the woman to a cabin. She was very distraught and pleading with me as I locked her inside. She was telling me, “Don’t lock me in here! I can’t live apart from him (my husband)! Please! I beg you! It WILL KILL ME!” I ignored her pleas telling her that I knew very well how much she and my husband loved one another and I was going to make sure he never, ever saw her again. I then walked away. I could hear her cries as I woke from the dream.

The thing is that while in the dream I could feel this woman’s pain as if it were my own but I was cold and unfeeling toward her and her plight. I saw her as a hindrance to me. The feeling of heartache, as if the separation would literally kill me, was the strongest. It was an all-over-body feeling that cut to the core of me. Yet somehow I blocked it and hardened myself to her. The whole time I knew this woman was a part of me, a part I saw as weak and easily manipulated/controlled because of her emotional vulnerability. I envied her connection to my husband and because I did not understand it and could not have it for myself I kept them apart.

pondDream: Preparing for an Event

This dream took up most of the night. It began with me borrowing a car to run an errand. I was in an unfamiliar town and the car was very big and souped up. As I drove the car would shift up and down as if it were dancing. It was embarrassing to me but I continued toward the lake which was my destination.

When I arrived there were children (repressed desires/unfulfilled hopes) there who were begging me to give them money (success, progress) for their services. It reminded me of when I visited Honduras. I ignored the kids and went toward the lake and found the water completely covered in green algae (need to keep emotion out of some matter). I could not see below it’s surface (something hidden). As I went to leave I noticed a small area with many strange fish. I was going to catch some in a net to look closer but one jumped out at me. It looked like a catfish (someone who may not be who they appear to be) with a very tiny mouth. It repulsed me and I fell. As I scrambled to get up a large German Shepherd came at me growling and intending me harm (need to put my guard back up). I scrambled away quickly and was asked again by a kid for money. I reached into my pocket and found a chunk of wet dollar bills (attitude toward love and emotion) and handed them to him. He said they would not do because they had been ruined by the water (emotion).

Then I was inside my apartment and my brother was visiting. There were other woman with me. We were all friends. My brother was helping us and being very nice, offering to do things for us. At one point I discovered he liked a girl but wouldn’t call her so I offered to call her for him. He refused and became very withdrawn. I wondered how he could be so helpful but not accept any help from others. I decided not to help him and went to my bedroom. Inside I saw that someone else had been sleeping in the room. It appeared to be my dad because his stuff was near the bed. I saw ear plugs and figured he must have trouble sleeping like me. I also saw important papers and was curious so I looked through his things wanting to know more about him. It appeared he traveled quite a bit.

Then a woman came in with some things telling me she was there to help me get ready. She had a petticoat (modesty/conservative) and a dress for me to wear to some event. My dad would be there. I remember putting on a petticoat and corset (want to please others) and thinking the dress must be very fancy and the event an important one. I never did figure out what the event was but I kept thinking about my dad and how much I missed him.

Dream: I’ll Be Home for Christmas

I was part of a small church (things one holds sacred). We were going to sing for a church in need, one on the other side of town. I took the car and drove to the church. I had with me some children (aspect of self) and everyone had gotten the stomach flu and was struggling with awful diarrhea (emotional purging). I had the sick ones stay in the car and then went inside to sing with the choir.

I got in my place up front and began to sing with the group. I recognized some of the members – my mom and uncle to name two. We were singing, “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”. I didn’t remember the words but sang what I remembered. I sang the whole song and noticed others didn’t remember the words at certain times.

When the song was over I mentioned the quiet parts to my mom. She said it was because there wasn’t a good soprano to take the lead (which is usually what I do). Then she said that if her brother had been there he would have led them.

As soon as she said that my uncle came up to us both and apologized for something he had done earlier. He had forbidden the sick kids in my car from coming into the church. He told us he was wrong and hugged my mom. I was relieved and proud of him for admitting his wrong. As we walked out of the church I went up to my uncle and hugged him. I told him, “I wish Grandaddy was here. I miss him!” He said, “Me, too.” He hugged me back and I clung to him and began to sob uncontrollably. I missed my grandfather so much and I couldn’t control my grief. I cried in the dream for a long time before I finally woke up.

I continued to cry for a while after I woke. I mostly missed my grandfather but there was more to it. I saw family patterns that are still playing out. I remembered how before my grandfather died he and his son, my uncle, had been at odds and had a strained relationship. My uncle had made amends toward the end of my grandfather’s life. He visited and did much for both his parents before they died. I kept hearing in my mind, “You did good” and I knew this was a message to my uncle. I may send him an email about my dream and pass on the message.

Dream: Family Therapy

In this dream I had been asleep in my apartment and woke up very drowsy. The clock said it was 2:30 and I knew it was mid-afternoon. How I had slept so much I didn’t know but I must have needed it.

I wandered into the neighbor’s apartment. He was a single, middle aged man. He asked me if I could help him figure out why his sugar (pleasures being denied) was missing. We talked about possible reasons from rats in his kitchen to him letting someone borrow some sugar. Then we walked into his living area. I remember that I have never been there before and mentioned how nice his place was. The whole time I was feeling tired, like I had slept way too long and could not fully wake up.

Then I was at a family meeting. Everyone in my family was sitting at a long table. At the head of the table was a therapist (seeking support). We were there to sort out our problems with one another, to listen without judgement and to get our chance to say what was on our minds. I remember sitting toward the end and feeling out of it, still tired.

The feeling in the room was tense. It seemed like everyone was afraid to say how they really felt. I don’t recall anyone saying anything and then a break being called. During the break I spoke to the counselor telling her that I thought if just one of us spoke up that it would break the ice and more would be accomplished. She told me she was just there to facilitate; she would not try and get anyone to talk. I told her about the church dream and how I thought I should tell my uncle about it. She seemed to think it would be a good idea but refused to say more. She was to leave soon and a new counselor would come in and help.

As we sat back down, I sat next to my sister and BIL (cousin). My cousin was  closest to me. He looked like he did when he was 19. I told him he looked good. He barely acknowledged me. I remember that there was strain between my cousin and his dad (my uncle). It was the same kind of strain that my uncle had had with his own father (my grandfather). I saw the cycle repeating and wondered if they did, too. I began to speak out, asking them if they saw what I saw and trying to get them to do something about it. All I wanted was for them to ask themselves these questions: When you die, what will you remember from your life? Will you remember all the wrongs done to you? All the grudges you held? All the things others did to keep you from getting this or that in life? Or will you remember how you treated others? How you showed love and shared love with those around you?

Considerations

I have been in the process of writing this post all day (it is 2pm now). My motivation to finish it is low but I know there is a reason for all the emotional dreams last night. At first I thought it meant I needed to email my mom, uncle and sister but now I’m not so sure. It seems that I must focus on my immediate situation and make changes there first before I move on and reach out to others.

The questions I had in my mind about life and what one would care about upon death are what linger even now. This is not the first time I have had questions like these come up.

The song, I’ll Be Home for Christmas was repeating in my head for a while. I believe there is a message in it. For the last two years straight I have had significant spiritual experiences/breakthroughs in the month of December. It may even have been three now that I think of it but specifically the last two have been doozies. When I looked up the lyrics to the song I found very few but in the dream I sang at least three full verses and none of the verses were familiar but seemed to focus on life itself and family values.

The specific part of the song that stuck out was “if only in my dreams”. It seemed like I was being told I would go Home in my dreams or that there would be…..wait for it…LOL…..a family (Spirit) reUnion. Ha! Okay if you don’t get my humor here then go and look at December, 2015’s posts from this blog.

Two years of the reUnion theme is enough for me so I am not getting hopeful (if anything the opposite) or preparing myself for some big bang type of spiritual breakthrough again. However, to have both father figures make an entrance (kind of) in my dreams last night make me wonder what this December has to hold. I admit I’m curious but not going to allow myself to dwell on it too much.

I loved my dad…. and my grandfather even more. To see either of them again in dreamtime would be wonderful. It has been a long time since I’ve had a visit. I think the last time I connected with my grandfather he visited me in his new visage for his current lifetime and updated me on his plans. That was not too long ago and it was eye opening. I believe that my middle son is my dad so he is around me all the time. 🙂

Updates

A quick update on others things. My acne issue is almost completely resolved. YAY! Happy dance! It literally took 3 days for the antibiotics to do their job. I also got a new cream – Tazorac – that is a miracle cream if you ask me. I have been on a Retin-A generic for years but my dermatologist thought it was time for a switch. She hit the bullseye. My skin went from red dots and bumps to no red dots and super, velvety smooth after just two nights of application. Frickin’ amazing! Apparently it is a psoriasis medication first and foremost but I don’t care. If it works then I am happy.

The antibiotics are not my friend, though. I hate the way they make me feel and my body wreaks of stinky antibiotic smell. Just recently I have started having mild UTI-type symptoms which doesn’t make sense since I am taking the antibiotic doctors usually prescribe to clear up UTIs! Thankfully, since they are doing such a good job, I will taper as soon as all evidence of this breakout is gone, which will be very, very soon.

The BC is still a pain in my ass, though. After continuing to experience an icky tummy after certain foods followed by too much burping I realized the higher hormones are giving me my all-time most hated pregnancy symptom – acid reflux/indigestion. UGH x 1000! Will this go away after a couple of months of use? I have no idea but I plan on sticking it out for at least two more months to see. In the meantime I get to enjoy burping for an hour or more after every meal. It could be worse, I could have full-on acid reflux, the kind that burns like hell. I don’t get that, though, just burping. lol

The BC has given me back my boobs. Not sure if that is a good thing or not but for now I will say it is good. 😀

Family-wise there is still no contact from my older sister. She speaks to my brother who then PMs me on FB. She apparently wants me to apologize to her for lying about my drug use. She says I currently smoke pot. I haven’t touched any recreational drugs since 2007 so I don’t know why she thinks I am secretly smoking weed. I can’t apologize for something I didn’t do. Sigh. So now both my sisters won’t talk to me for random, made-up reasons. Weird.

Hopefully by Christmas there will be some kind of resolution and my sister and BIL/cousin will participate in family gatherings. If not I know my mom will be very sad.  Personally, I will mainly be sad for my mom because, as a mother, I know how important it is to be with/see/connect with your children. 😦 I can’t imagine being close to 70 and not seeing two of my three daughters and one of my grandchildren around the holidays. That is just not right.

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Remember Me

 

Again I had another post partially written – twice – and it never felt right to post. It felt empty, pointless, directionless….just like me right now.

This morning I had several lucid dreams and attempted to shift OOB with no success. I suspect I was already OOB which is why the exits were unsuccessful.

Prior to this, I had awakened at around 7am and heard someone say to me, “You know you’ve been OOB?” I dismissed it as a dream conversation fragment, got up, took my wonderful antibiotic (have to take on empty stomach 30 minutes before a meal) and went back to sleep even though I had just intended to meditate.

Image result for image of citrine in shape of arrow head

OBEs/Lucid Travels

My travels took me to several places. The first was my grandparent’s living room where I was with my sister and BIL. I can’t recall why I was there but we were talking about building a chicken (cowardliness) coop that would be shared by us and the neighbors. I had memories that were not associated with this lifetime but with some other life or place. For example, my grandparent’s house was not located where it is in this life, but was in a subdivision. I believe what I was remembering were my astral memories, but I can’t be sure.

Then I shifted into a crystal shop. I was standing in front of a dark haired woman who I recalled was a friend. In fact, I again had memories not at all related to this lifetime. In front of me were laid out many various crystal fragments. I knew I was selecting one for a friend and picked up a large, arrowhead shaped piece of Citrine. The woman told me it was a good one and I kept it, intending to make a necklace with it. She asked me for advice. “Where should I move to?” I told her, “I think Montana.” She said, “Ah yes, I have been there. It is beautiful!” I said, “Yes, I use to live there, but…..I think it would not be ideal for your business. Perhaps Seattle would be better?” I then wandered over to a window and selected a black cord for the necklace I was making for my friend. I put the Citrine on it as I began to mull over memories of my friend.

My physical self heard sounds coming from my bedroom at this time. I knew they were sounds off and so ignored them but it brought me back to my sleeping body temporarily. I could feel my energy shift. It is like I settled down into my body but the two energies never completely merged. It was jumpy and sporadic but enough for me to register that I could go OOB. When I tried, though, the energy would not allow it and I must have drifted off again.

I soon found myself in my grandparent’s house again, this time in the kitchen. Standing in front of me was my friend. I could see him clear as day. He was telling me something rather random and smiling, very at ease. I stared at him for a bit, shocked that he was standing there right in front of me. I had in my hand the Citrine necklace I made for him. I handed it to him, telling him, “I made this for you. I remembered how much you liked it (Citrine).” I remember thinking that Citrine brought abundance and I wanted that for him. He was pleased and smiled as he took it from me.

I asked him some questions about his life – Was he still living where he was before? Was he happy? Was he still doing what he was when we last spoke? He answered, confirming most of what I already knew.

The more we talked the more lucid I became. My physical/human consciousness was questioning the reality. Why are we in my grandparent’s kitchen? Is this really my friend? No way, why would he be in my grandparent’s kitchen? This has to be a dream!

The last thing I remember was telling my friend, “I miss you.” I felt very down when I said it. I don’t remember his response now but he was understanding, happy-go-lucky, and reassuring.

Eventually my questions pulled me out of the scene and again I felt my physical body and my physical senses began to take over. It was odd but something I have experienced before. My senses shift from astral to physical but not all at once. For example, my hearing will be like someone turns on the volume and then it turns it down again suddenly and repetitively. The same thing goes for my vision – astral to physical (which is dark). The vibrations are the same, on again, off again. So odd!

I shifted yet again and found myself outside my mom’s house this time. I think I may have been a little kid because my vision was at a lower height than is my norm. I was talking to someone about a special school that only Kindergarten aged kids could go to. My middle son was mentioned and I remember hearing he couldn’t go but my youngest could. My vision was very clear at this time and my physical self recognized I was OOB. We were walking through thick, brown leaves. There were so many that as I walked they came to my knees (remember that I am child-sized though) and I could hear them crunching under foot. I saw ahead of me my mom’s yard and my vision stabilized. The blue sky seemed to be huge in comparison to myself. Recognizing my chance, I attempted to jump into the air and take flight. I did this just as a child said to me, “Come on!” As I lifted up it felt like an energy pulled me down and the message was, “No.”

I returned to my sleeping body and my senses adjusted as did my energy. It was quick this time and I opened my eyes.

As I laid there my first memory was of meeting my friend. It was so real and I wondered if he was just a dream construct or if he had actually been there. As if in answer, the lyrics of a song popped into my head – I will be with you again….I will be with you again.

I heard the above a couple of days ago while driving. I had been in a strange mood, zoned out and feeling odd. This has been normal for me lately, especially when I drive. I had changed the radio station and caught the end of the song. The music lulled me almost into a trance and I remember smiling and enjoying it. It felt like someone was giving me a hug and I got a bit Homesick as I recalled certain memories. That is when I heard, “I will be with you again.” It seemed like a message then, too.

For some reason when I heard the song this morning I thought it was from The Cure. Ha! Not sure why I thought that but it could be a message, too. Who knows. It also felt like not only was I being told, “I will be with you again” but that I was also saying this to someone. Like a simultaneous message exchange. I do believe there was an astral meeting and that my other Self has a full set of memories entirely separate from my physical life memories.

Other Dreams

I’ve had lots of dreams these last few days, and Kundalini, too.

In one dream I was heading home and had to make a sharp turn that immediately went uphill. It was my exit and came much quicker than I anticipated. When I took the turn I had to stop suddenly because there were three cars in a row that had run head-on into the curve. They were so mangled that all I could see were the taillights and bumpers. Their anxious drivers stood with a police officer (assistance) and I was told I could not pass. So I shifted the other direction but it was also barred, this time by water (emotion). I ended up taking the long way around to get to my destination.

The dream continued to my destination which was a “camp” (need to belong but independent also) of sorts for teachers. The camp looked like suburbia and when I checked-in I was told join the rest of the group. I was given a uniform and told that we would all eventually start to smell badly over time (issue needs to be addressed) because we were not allowed to bathe. Every day we would have P.T. and I recall being told where the nearby hospital (healing) was located in case we needed assistance in the evening when the camp was closed. Thing was, the hospital was also a camp and run by the very same people. I remember realizing the teachers were also doctors/nurses as was I.

Kundalini

Yesterday morning I had a nice Kundalini dream in which I was in a van with my husband. We were in the back and the van was driving itself. We were on the highway and, knowing we would be occupied for a while, I worried we would end up driving too far. I suggested we take the van to the lake and park but before I could go up front to take over driving the Kundalini raged and woke me up. I lingered in the bliss for some time after waking. It seems that now whenever my root activates all my upper chakras “sing” in the most wonderfully pleasant way. It is spectacular and I really, really hate that it always wakes me up! Grrrr!

I had actually asked for some kind of Kundalini experience that night before bed. There are two distinct types I experience now – the very sexual/bliss kind and the bliss/friendship/love/safety/Oneness kind. Both are wonderful in their own way and both teach me a great deal about myself and the world/this experience. “Bliss” is a part of both but there seems to be different types of bliss as well as various “new” feelings associated with the Kundalini. Since the human experience does not have words for these feelings I am always at a loss as to how to describe them.

Another Music Message

Yesterday morning, as I slowly woke from my dreams, a message came through very quietly. It repeated and grew louder and louder, eventually bringing forth a song as if to make sure I paid attention. The song was this one:

The part of the song that was repeating was, “Don’t you, forget about me.” The message that had been repeating and growing louder became obvious when the song was acknowledged. It was: Remember me.

A bit shocked and curious, I focused on the source of the message and felt a familiar energy, one I had not felt in a while. The more I focused the clearer the energy became and a visual formed in my mind.

My response was to enter into a conversation with this individual because I understood all at once the message and was tired of resisting.

It was a check-in. I knew the message “Remember me” was both a message to remember mySelf as well as a message to remember what had brought me to where I am now. To push away, ignore or deny all that made me who I am today was not helping me. I needed to remember it. All of it.

Of course I had to justify my reasons. It is painful, it makes living here on this planet that much more difficult, it triggers all kinds of beliefs/expectations/desires that I do not wish to reconcile for the enormity of their impact on me as a Human Being. It is easier to deny in myself all that relates to connection. To deny myself the positives in order to avoid the negatives makes complete sense.

But it was clear from my dream and all the dreams preceding it that the path of avoidance will get me nowhere. The path will be blocked and so will all of the others until I take the correct path.

The message was, “Remember it is my path, too. You cannot force from yourself that which is part of you. I will always be there. In your heart. In your mind. I am part of you as you are part of me.” I softened a great deal when I heard this. It was like all my walls came down all at once.

Still Recovering

Similarly, last night prior to bed I was asking all sorts of questions – “Why” this and “Why” that. My main thoughts centered on the experiences I’ve had – the Kundalini being number 1. Why did I make it so that I Remembered so much in this lifetime? What is the point of Remembering if I can’t do anything with it! How am I going to continue in this life now? With every single Kundalini experience I glimpse more of that which I Forgot. And with every regained memory of Self this human experience feels more and more alien to me.

Throughout I was receiving reminders of what I already Knew, things I Remembered on the path to where I am now. Things I have written in this blog…..like my Starseed origins, my connection to what appear to be E.T.’s, my memories of my purpose here, past life memories, heart connections/soul family, and the glimpses into my own and Earth’s future. I pushed all of it out of my mind, though, because it does me no good to believe such things. It only serves to make me feel that much more alone, that much more separate from everyone else.

It felt like I would be in this in-between/void forever when I “looked” into my own future. Time stretched out forever in front of me like a road never-ending. I saw my children mostly grown up. I saw myself old and gray. I couldn’t/can’t help but be impatient. I want to get to “the end” already. But mostly I just want something to look forward to. After experiencing what I have thus far to think of the rest of my life being like it was before – it’s unbearable. I have no way of consolidating the before and the after and that’s what I need to do or else risk major repercussions (mental break being one).

I was told, “Give yourself a chance to recover.” With that I was reminded of the end of 2016 and the intensity of the pain/hurt/despair among other things. Healing cannot be rushed. Considering how long I have already been recovering I asked in frustration, “How long is it going to take?” The answer I received was, “As long as it takes.” UGH!

Sync

As if to remind me that my path here is to serve others, specifically my children, I was drawn to my youngest son’s eyes. In the sunlight I noticed things I hadn’t noticed before. So I took some photos. Aren’t his eyes just gorgeous?

 

 

I also noticed he has inherited his father’s heterochromia. If you look at the first photo you can see that the color amber/brown surrounds the pupil but the rest of the eye is blue. This is true of central heterochromia – two different shades of color. His dad has partial heterochromia – one of his blue eyes has a big, brown spot that takes up about 1/4 of the iris color.

Interestingly, the same day I was fascinated with my son’s heterochromia, I was watching the show Limitless and there was mention of heterochromia! HA! Chance? I think not.

After my amazement wore off over the sync I just experienced, I realized again what I had recently been reminded of. There is purpose to my being here beyond what I am able to/allowed to see. Much of that purpose is related to the new generations. I have three very special children who will need my Knowing, my Remembering, to help them in life. It may not be apparent to me now but it will be, eventually. Even in writing this I am reminded of the Delores Cannon books.

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Projection Repulsion

Note: This post starts out a bit on the negative side but I promise it gets lighter in the end.

It’s been an interesting last few days. I do not believe any of it is due to “cosmic forces”, “12-12 gateways”, astrological events or the such. Yet that is what I keep seeing on my FB, which btw I have been avoiding more and more for the lack of anything of substance. Fake news, conspiracy theories (to the extreme), and personal attacks/agendas on this topic/agency or that  (politics, net neutrality and anti-vaccination are big ones lately) – all of it gives me a sour taste in my mouth.

It seems like all people want to do is have an effect in any way they can. Humans are desperate and it is apparent all over the net. Every post screams, “Look at me! Look at me!”

In stark contrast here I am hiding and wanting the opposite. Don’t look at me. I’m ugly and feel uglier inside. I don’t want to hear what you have to say and I really don’t have anything to say to you.

That’s how I feel this morning anyway. Listening to people hurts right now. Please don’t whine to me about your problems, your upsets about the world, your sad family problems, your hurt, pain or whatever. Oh and I don’t care if you turn your back on me because I feel this way. I don’t need you or your sympathy, pity, or whatever anyway. Attached to it is this or that expectation and I prefer to have none of that. I scratch your back you scratch mine, right? I’ll scratch my own back, thank you.

Perhaps it is the holiday season but right now the projections coming from people are in stark contrast to the real person underneath, probably more now than ever. I can’t bear to hear the pleasantries, get another half-assed, pretend hug, or witness anymore pretense. I will literally throw up on the next person who tries to fake me out. And every adult does it….unless they are old/senile or considered mentally ill. Family isn’t so bad, thankfully. And children, they are golden. Thank God for my babies is all I can say right now.

I also woke up feeling absolutely and utterly alone. Again. The empty feeling was ten times as strong as it normally is. The people in my dreams all wanted something from me. There was no giving of love without expectation. They assumed so much automatically and it felt like a huge, invisible wall was between myself and everyone I met.

When I woke I was in grief and missing the feeling/experience/ISness of my true Divine nature – that feeling of love/friendship, of complete connection. Oh I never have the right words to describe it but there are those reading this who know what I am talking about. The total LACK of it in this world hit me like a ton of bricks and I could not bear to exist in this void any longer. It was completely clear to me why I feel so alone, so disconnected, so empty in  this life. It’s because I AM disconnected here.

I was/am at a loss and it doesn’t help that I am acutely aware of what I mentioned earlier in this post. Right now most everyone and everything reminds me of what I am NOT.

Similarly, my physical issues continue to plague. My body is on strike I think. The antibiotics I’ve been on stopped working or something and now I am on a different regimen because my skin is not healing as it should. Everything starts to seem to improve only to regress back to no progress. I’ve had scabs in some places for over three weeks! WTF!?

The BC seems to be backfiring, too. I am hungry all.the.time, have gained weight and have painful breasts. I am tired, too, tired like I was when I was pregnant. I get so hungry sometimes that I feel sick to my stomach and certain foods do not agree with me. For example, carbonated anything will make me get icky stomach and I suddenly cannot stomach whey protein which I have been taking for years now without issue! So far the BC does not seem to have any affect on my skin which is the whole point of taking it.

It’s not worth it. All of this mess so that my face is clear and then no one really “sees” me anyway! How lame. Looks like my own projections are biting me in the ass right now. Ha! Yeah the jokes on me as usual.

Dreams and Kundalini

Oh and then there are the dreams…..geez where do I start? The most memorable was a Kundalini dream a few days ago. Wow, it was a doozy. Not that the Kundalini was raging like it has. No, it was very subtle compared to other K-risings I’ve had. However, this one made a very obvious point I could not ignore. In the dream I was in a classroom and my teacher/lover/friend was with me. The whole dream consisted of my “other half” trying to persuade me to be with him and me being wholly and completely repulsed by him. I was adamantly against him to the point of nastiness. However, at the exact same time I was extremely attracted to him in a very powerful way and I acknowledged it. The main feeling throughout the dream and upon waking was the simultaneous powerful attraction and repulsion. It was fascinating to me that I could feel both things at the same time! The message I brought back with me was that I had grown so use to rejecting life that I had gotten to the point of rejecting everything and everyone which in turn left me with little to no enjoyment/happiness. It was quite an eye-opener.

Then there was the dream of sweeping a floor covered in cockroach (undesired aspects of Self/life) body pieces. Ick! Afterward I scrubbed the floor with a white cleanser that left a residue that repelled cockroaches. Weird.

And this morning in a dream I visited my partner’s apartment (emotional state) only to find that he was gone and likely not coming back anytime soon (abandoning emotion). The fridge (emotionally cold) had been left open and unplugged and there were other clues that he had gone away for a long while. Thing is, he left his cat (sexuality, femininity) with no one to look after it and it was emaciated and near death. I remember saying he likely went to South America (trying to conquer life’s obstacles) and fully intended to wait for him to return. While I waited the entire apartment complex came to keep me company and I was surrounded by strangers the rest of the dream, all of them working to help me settling in and become a part of their little community. I remember seeing faces that reminded me of the cast of “Friends”.

Conclusion

I’m sorry if the first half of this post rubbed you the wrong way. If you got this far, kudos to you. It is obvious to me now that I have made it this far in this post that I am doing some major inner work which is manifesting in both physical and emotional ways. If you were to be physically present with me you would find my Sagittarius bluntness rampant and maybe a bit refreshing. Or you may want to run the other way. In all honesty I would think you a coward if you ran away but would not hold it against you. If you fought back, though, and gave me a piece of your mind, I would totally respect you and we would likely end up laughing over egg nog spiked with rum. 😉

Sometimes a good fight is all a person needs. lol I need some boxing gloves right now I think.

I feel ten times lighter, though, and my thoughts are tending toward the silly at the moment. For example (for a laugh), the new antibiotics I am on – ampicillin – have a very odd possible side-effect I want to share. Apparently you should call your doctor if you get a “black, hairy tongue.” LOL OMG it still makes me laugh and I thought it so funny when I initially read it that I called my husband and interrupted him at work just to tell him. HA! So far, no hair on my tongue but I will keep you posted.

Finally, through all the up’s and down’s of the last five days or so, I have taken time to appreciate the finer things in life (like funny side-effects). Here is a picture of the sunrise the other morning. May it bring you joy like it did me.

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Revelations and Updates

Some messages I have received recently:

From Call the Midwife season 5 episode 7:

Prayers aren’t always answered the way one would hope but they are generally answered. And the answer He gave me was this: When things change we have to find a different way. Now whenever I do up a button or a shoelace I’m reminded of the need to keep learning.

A reminder we all need from time to time.

Nothing stays the same. We don’t stay the same ourselves. And all the time the world keeps spinning faster.

Another quote that caught my attention:

But my first child and my second child both died. One in my belly and one in my arms.

I’m sorry.

Why are you sorry?

It’s just something we say in England, when someone says something bad happened.

It is in the past now. This baby’s in the future, which is why you should never be sorry, just be glad.

And still another:

Sometimes there is no map for the road we find ourselves upon. It lies ahead, uncharted, unfurling into the mist. We are all travelling through one another’s countries. But it is no matter if we meet as strangers, for we can join forces and learn to love. And where there is friendship and affection there is the place we can all call home.

These quotes/scenes and more have been inciting tears. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders; like torrents of flood waters pouring through my very Being and I can’t breathe for the ceaselessness of them. Last night I was overcome by the emotion yet again and rather than question it or judge myself for the feelings I was feeling, I just allowed them to flow because I knew it would not last long. A silent and reassuring voice from within said, “It will pass.” It always does and part of me saw the emotion and the experience of the moment as a Divine blessing. I understood that my human body and mind is not capable of holding onto it all. So, I need to give it up, to give it back to where it came from…..wherever that might be. In giving it up I am cleansed and one step closer to fully embracing the sanctity of this existence.

Amidst the emotional purging there has been clarity on so many things. Lessons are becoming obvious, gifts received finally opened. The exhaustion and apathy I’ve been feeling transforming into surrender, slowly but surely.

After several days of reflection, a thought continues to resurface: “If I had to do it over again, I would not do it again.” When asked why I would not do it again, I replied, “It destroyed me. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel empty.” I heard in reply, “Now you can be filled.”

“It” here refers to what occurred in December, 2015, almost two years ago now. Basically, if I could turn back time I would turn the other way, listening to my inner silence rather than giving in to my human urgency to be loved. The connection that I felt was misunderstood and blown way out of proportion by my human self. I have concluded now that the “connection” was merely the result of a newly opened heart which revealed to me a glimpse of my True self. My human side attributed the very “new” feelings to all the wrong things and had not the experience nor knowledge with which to cope appropriately. I continue to feel ill prepared but recognize that my body/mind/spirit has to be re-taught how to handle that which is my natural state. It is very obvious that my natural state is beyond beautiful, beyond powerful, so much so that my human self struggles immensely because she is buried under layers of illusion and belief.

Another revelation….. I saw myself as the character I play in this life. She seems so boring, so nondescript, so lonely and forlorn. It occurred to me that I should step out of that Beingness and look at myself from outside myself, like I am watching a television show of my life. When I did there was just love for the experience and recognition that I chose it because I saw it as beautiful. Every “bad” feeling, low mood, negative reaction just as wonderful as every moment of laughter, excitement, love, and friendship. All moments “will pass”, it is only the clinging to one over the other that makes once experience seem fleeting while another seems to last forever.

Somehow I have to learn to reject nothing and embrace all and do so without judgment.

Spiritual Considerations

I continue to feel repelled by the online spiritual community, channeled messages and energy forecasts I use to follow prior to July this year. The repetitiveness of the messages is really bothering me. It occurred to me that nothing in the messages has really changed over the last few years. They still say the next big wave is upon us, the incoming energy will bring about transformations and huge changes, etc, etc. Then there is the abundance of people jumping on the ever-growing spiritual bandwagon. It all just bothers the hell out of me. Something is very wrong with it. Every day I stop following another person on WP. Every day I stop following another person on FB. Soon there won’t be anything left to read.

I have always been one to listen to my own self/heart first, so none of the above is really out of the ordinary for me. However, the feeling I get from most if not all of what I am reading is nearing repulsion now. I go back day after day to blogs I use to frequent and try again to read their posts but am turned off within a sentence of two. It just doesn’t flow with me anymore.

The only answer I have to the above is that I am focusing on what really matters: love, family, life. The spiritual is part of all of it. There is no need to follow some channel or some energy forecast. No need to validate my journey from without. All of it is right.here.inside.me. Some people still need to look outside themselves, some are still growing, building their foundations. So they can read or follow the blogs, channels, forecasts. There is nothing wrong with it and eventually they will come full circle, too. We all will.

Interesting little tidbit I want to add now. As if to remind me of my own need for validation there was a time last week when wherever I went I kept getting messages from the environment that said, “Walk-in”. It was ridiculous how frequent it was! I actually had a post on it and then opted to not finish it. That very day I saw this on my way to pick up my family photos:

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I actually laughed out loud when I saw it, thus I had to take a picture to document it.

Then, yesterday I think it was, someone commented on my other blog, the one about walk-ins. I didn’t know how to respond. How do I feel about the subject now? I didn’t know. Ultimately, I still don’t know what to say about it. Part of me is not even sure such a thing really exists. Something obviously happened, is happening to me, but really it seems more like a mental illness – a personality break of sorts – than a spiritual phenomena. At this time the best I can come up with is that I am in a transition period and at some point in the future it will all be crystal clear. All I can say for sure right now is that I have changed, am changed and will continue to change. Change is the only constant.

Kundalini

Last night the Kundalini visited more than once. Consciously I accepted it and even upon waking it swirled and raged, especially around my root and crown. At one point, when the energy was feeling quite strange and almost unsettling I heard, “Stay calm.” At that moment I became more alert to the energy in my crown area. Prior to that, I had received a long, rope-like object composed of tiny threads weaving in and out in spiral fashion. I was to attach one end to my crown and the other to my root. The Kundalini was everywhere but the feeling was unlike anything I have felt before. It was almost as if the space between my root and crown was a vast void with no beginning and no end.

I could not return to the in-between and began to think of all the things I needed to do, specifically that I need to get a run in today. I heard my guidance say, “You need to rest.” It occurred to me then that my recent lack of motivation and desire to “do nothing” in terms of exercise and running was likely more than just my being “lazy”.

Updates on Physical Issues

This morning I have a headache but nothing major. My acne ailment is almost completely healed. In fact, my complexion is glowing and radiant. I will be tapering off of my antibiotics slowly over the next couple of weeks.

My body seems to be adjusting to the birth control. I don’t know if the emotion I am having is related or not. Could be, I guess. The pain in my ankles is gone but I did burst a vein on my right ankle. It is likely it was caused by the BC because higher hormones do effect vein elasticity. It could mean more vein issues in the future.

I am still having panic/anxiety but mostly when I am running. I only ran once this week because the weather has been crazy here in Texas. One day it was near 80 degrees and the next it was snowing (yeah). On that one run I almost ended up in a full-on panic attack out of the blue. These moments of panic come from feeling like I am not in my body when I run. My legs contact solid ground but instead of feeling grounded I feel the opposite, as if I will leave my body via my crown at any moment. The panic comes from my human mind immediately worrying that I will not be in control of this body. Scenarios of passing out on the sidewalk or running into traffic shift me into panic mode. I have to tell myself, “I’m okay. Everything’s fine”. But on this particular day a part of me embraced leaving my body and had no concern or worry of what might happen if I did. Once I ignored the panicking side and listened to the other my anxiety lessened and then dissipated. After that I still opted to take a route away from busy roads just in case. lol

Family

I’ve been having disconcerting dreams about my sister lately. Her birthday is today but I am unable to communicate with her or send her a gift or card because she and her husband have purposefully withheld their address from family. The feeling is that either she is currently struggling or that more severe struggles await her and her husband. It saddens me, especially since she is mostly hurting herself by disconnecting like she is.

My family recently had family photos taken. Here are a couple of them:

Since these photos were taken I have been ever so grateful for my many blessings. At times I am overflowing with gratitude. The smallest of moments make me smile. For example, I have been reading to my youngest in the evenings. He has been requesting that I read to him nightly and brings book after book to me. Every time I read to him he snuggles up close and always either holds or strokes my arm or hand. It is the sweetest thing. I don’t think either of my other two children ever did that.

 

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Considerations and Lessons

Hope you are riding the energy of this full moon and not being drowned by it. I know that sounds a bit dramatic but then I’m a Leo and can tend towards the dramatic at times. 🙂 I believe Mercury also went retrograde recently adding to the mix, not that Mercury retro really is an issue for me. I rarely notice when it goes retro.

However, perhaps Mercury played a part in the wonderful fun I had yesterday morning. There was a text from my bank first thing in the morning about a charge on my debit card. Turns out, someone hacked my card and was using it to buy all kinds of things online. I spent my whole morning sorting it out on my own because my bank could do nothing until the charges went through. As long as they were pending I had to wait or contact the retailers myself. So…..I contacted the retailers and fixed it myself. The last place – DSW – was so grateful I felt like I had done my good deed for the day. Plus, I got the satisfaction of knowing whoever was trying to get a free ride off me FAILED. I hope DSW reports their address and they are caught but I doubt they are that stupid…..but maybe Mercury will work against them? I can only hope. hehe

Then this morning when I woke up my husband was in the mood to fight. It seemed he wanted to blame me for everything he saw wrong in our family and just be flat out negative and judgmental. I called him out on it because I was not going to have my morning ruined. Then he wanted to talk it out calmly but everything that came out of his mouth was the same stuff that I’ve heard countless times so I called him on that, too. I was not in the mood to talk and just listening to him hurt my brain. Sometimes I think being married to an air sign is painful, especially when they keep talking forever and I just woke up and want to be left alone in silence to drink my coffee.

Perhaps this full moon and maybe a dash of Mercury retro are also making me a bit inconsiderate of other’s needs, especially when I feel my own needs are being ignored? lol I just don’t want to deal with anyone else’s shit right now. I don’t have the time or patience for whining, ranting, raving, or complaining especially when it is something I’ve heard time and time again and the person doing it is using it to avoid taking responsibility. I call Bull Shit and do so in a very direct way. Thankfully my husband is the only one I have to deal with. He can handle it. Others, well not so much usually. This is a good time for me to hide out at home I think. lolol

Updates 

Good news – all my ailments previously mentioned are resolving. 🙂 The acne mess is still slowly healing but is not getting worse. My skin looks good except for the spots that are healing but they are going away. I can’t say what the main cause is – antibiotics, birth control, algae mask, using new cleanser – but I am grateful. Considering my mood (as mentioned above) it is good that I usually hide away from the world when I have acne.

No more incidences of panic or anxiety. No tooth problems, either. My cold is still lingering but is bearable. I mostly just have way too much snot (sorry if TMI) but at least I can breathe and my throat doesn’t hurt.

The BC does not seem to be causing me any issue. No migraines or hints of getting a migraine either. I have noticed that the skin on the inside of both of my legs near the ankles feels tight in the morning and I had a strange shooting pain in my left calf that went away quickly yesterday. These alarmed me because my doctor warned me that at my age BC can cause all kinds of fun side-effects, one being blood clots another increase risk for stroke. So far, though, there is no indication that a blood clot is forming but the strange sensitivity around my ankles is concerning. It reminds me of how my legs felt after I had vein surgery.

I have resumed exercise and today am paying for it. My lower body is stiff as hell. That’s what weight training will do, though. I will be slowly integrating running and weight training back into my routine but am not overly eager to do so. I still have the feeling I need to take it easy on my body so am going to follow that feeling. Thus, no running or weights today but I might do step aerobics to get my blood pumping a bit. 🙂

My husband’s raise turned out to be $800/month, exactly what I thought it would be when he told me. He still gets bonuses on top of that making it pretty obvious to me that the only reason for me to go back to work is because I want to. For most of my life I have told others (and my guides) that I don’t want to have to work. I am grateful to have gotten what I asked for. In fact, this morning I woke up thinking, “I am so happy that I don’t have to rush around in the mornings to get out the door by a certain time, drive in traffic and go to a job for 8+ hours only to come home and do all the “mom” things I have to do.” I can wear my p.j.’s all day, not worry about how I look or how much acne I have to cover up with makeup (lol), do whatever the hell I want, and not have to deal with people I don’t want to deal with. It really is THE LIFE. I am eating it up today, can’t you tell? Like my guides have been telling me, “Enjoy this time in your life.” Yes, siree, boss. 🙂

Considerations/Lessons

Again, perhaps it is the full moon or some other astrological event influencing me, but currently I seem to be fully realizing some of my past lessons. They are not easy to put into words but I am feeling so much better than I was just last week. It is not just physically, either. I feel more accepting of my life and circumstances when before I was so resistant, lingering in the past and wallowing in “what if’s”. Clarity has visited concerning some past experiences and it is helping me to cope and move forward.

This morning I recognized one turning point occurred all the way back in June this year. At the time I had too much emotional interference to see it but now it is obvious. It all came down to standing firm in my convictions, which I did, but it also involved fear, which clouded my (and another’s) view of the big picture. The fear was not just mine and there is a whole story here I would love to tell but I will leave it at that. The moral to the story is that real love does not ask another to do something that goes against what they feel is right. Nor does one place conditions upon another based upon some unknown future possibility riddled with fear of a past injustice repeating itself. Any relationship developed under such circumstances is doomed to failure. However, all of the above does not diminish the love and friendship between two people, it is but a path chosen and a lesson to be learned. Ultimately, that love and friendship is fortified by the choice of each to stay true to their path (heart), undeterred by the inevitable abundance of emotion and confusion that served only to blind their human minds.

I would not have recognized all of the above had my husband not infuriated me this morning with his non-stop nattering. I told him that I long ago learned that lingering on could’ve/should’ve got me nowhere. It solved nothing and kept me pinned in place rather than allowing me to move forward. I said to him, “All we can do is take what we have learned and apply it to where we are now. From here (present) we can make a difference in the future, from there (the past) we are lost to it (the future).”

My guidance via the wonderful reminders, allowing me to taste Divine love and friendship via my dreams, has given me hope that all is not lost. I am so blessed to have experienced true unconditional love and friendship both in my waking life and during my dream encounters. I am indeed special in this regard and feel special every time I experience it. It has shown me just how unimportant and frivolous most of my considerations in this human experience are. Every day I let go of something else, some other human consideration, belief or expectation, because I can see more of the big picture. All this drama, all the pain and misery of life, everything that worries me or causes me to feel distress, sadness, grief, anger….a lack of Love…..is of no consequence. Eventually I will have let go of it all and all that will remain is that feeling, the blessed bliss of Divine love, and it will be everywhere and in everything, and I will Know that it is so.

 

 

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OBEs – Lost Count

I got a wonderful morning surprise of 1.5 hours OOB. 🙂

Before I go into what happened I wanted to add that I find it no coincidence that the number of lucid dreams and OBEs I’ve had has increased since I took a break from my exercise routine. In observing my OBE patterns it’s obvious that when I am not exercising I have more OBEs/lucid dreams than when I am.

OBEs – Lost Count….

I went to bed nauseous but never got sick. I’m not sure what caused it. I attended my SIL’s baby shower and had several Izze drinks which I think were the culprit.

I woke at 3am from a dream that I have now forgotten but I know it was important because I reminded myself to remember. Yet I forgot. Ugh! I do remember asking to go OOB, though.

Woke again at 6am and felt disappointed because I had not gone OOB. Requested it again and went back to sleep.

It seemed like seconds only before I was rolling out of my sleeping body. I do not recall feeling vibrations but something alerted me to being able to exit. Once OOB I was in an unfamiliar house and my vision was on-again, off-again and shifty. I remember asking for my vision to clear but it was not listening to me. My vision seemed to have it’s own agenda as did the entirety of this experience.

I spent most of the OBE trying to get my vision to turn on and walking around blindly through the house. When I would do something that was not allowed I would shift back into my body temporarily and then shift right back out and back into the scene. This happened more times than I can count now – at least 7.

I encountered several others while in the house – men and women. There was an entire backstory to one man who I was interested in “calling” to the house. Apparently he was a coworker who I got along well with and we would meet up to have sex every now and then. lol I remember being pleased with the arrangement and wishing he were there so we could “play”. I remember seeing him in my memories and then trying to fit him in with my current life by placing the faces of the men I’ve been with. It didn’t work out and confused me a bit, like my astral mind and my physical mind were in conflict.

At one point I managed to go out a window where my vision turned on brilliantly but then faded and became hazy as if part of a psychedelic trip. There were others outside waiting for me and I greeted them warmly. One was a woman and I laughed when I saw her saying, “You came instead.” Then tried to kiss her and she dematerialized the minute I reminded myself that anything sexual was a waste of my time. Again it seemed like two versions of myself were in conflict.

When I turned to look with my newly found vision an entire scene opened up of mountains covered in a heavy fog. It reminded me of the Smokey Mountains and I was immediately in awe leaping up into the air to fly over the tops of them. The heavy fog would not dissipate despite my asking and willing it to but it didn’t prevent me from seeing the beautiful Fall colors of the foliage below me. The more I flew the more I felt pulled as if by a magnet up toward the sky. I said aloud, “Stop!” and the motion stopped but then I felt to be grabbed by both of my feet and pulled at high speeds across the sky. I didn’t resist but the speed was increasing so quickly that I closed my eyes and ended up temporarily back in body.

When I re-entered the scene I was again inside the house. My vision was spotty and it seemed like I had heaps of towels or blankets over my head. I kept peeling them off layer by layer but there was always more.

At one point my vision turned on suddenly as a portly man with reddish blonde hair came toward me to kiss me. He said, “You don’t like what you see, do you?” I said, “No” because he was not attractive to me. He attempted to kiss me but I again had the distinct recognition that sex of any kind here was a waste of my time yet I was aware of a part of me that missed it. In fact she said to me, “But it is a lot of fun!” LOL The other part was like, “Yeah but not now.” The me that was interested in sex was wanting to ignite the Kundalini but going about it the wrong way and I knew it. The part that wanted sex then mentioned my waking life to me saying it was a shame that I was not taking advantage of my husband who was “right there”. lol

After all this I had some excursions out the front door that were uneventful. Every time I went outside my vision would turn on and then quickly off again and I would end up returning to my body for a short while. One time when outside my vision showed something surreal rather than the trees and grass that should have been there. It was like pink swirls that moved and shifted with other colors; a psychedelic dreamscape.

Eventually I was thinking, “I don’t know what to do. I should just wake up.” I had gotten very bored. Yet my thought did nothing and I unable to shift back into my body despite trying to open my physical eyes. I realized then that someone was trying to tell/show me something. I said, “I’m not allowed to leave am I?” I paused feeling the answer was, “Yes”, and asked, “What do you want?”

My vision turned on as if I had said the magic word and I was standing in the middle of a golden hued living room. To my left was a TV. It was on playing cartoons, specifically Lego NinjaGo. The subtitles were on but the characters were speaking English. I could understand the cartoon as well as read the subtitles.

The longer I stared at the TV the more vivid it became which is not usual. Usually if I stare at something for too long I end up losing my vision or back in my body. Curious, I looked closer at the subtitles. Very clearly I saw words appear. It read, “Ask a question”.

Thinking it was the coolest thing I had ever seen I was delighted and wondered, “What should I ask?” The question that came out my mouth was, “Are my husband and I going to separate?” I saw distinctly at the bottom of the golden colored screen written in white letters, “Yes.”

Not believing I actually got an answer I asked, “How much longer will we be together?” I saw the number 72. I thought, “Weeks. It has to be weeks” because I had no idea what 72 meant. It could be that I am 72 years old when we are separated by death for all I knew!

To clarify I asked, “Does that mean we will be together for 72 more weeks?” I saw the number again but swear it was 70 instead of 72.

Something didn’t feel right yet the screen was still vivid, the cartoon still playing and subtitles flashing. I knew I wasn’t asking “the right” questions but my mind was blank. So I said, “Show me in a chart then.” The screen went to a solid gold color and then a chart began to draw itself in front of me. It was a bar-graph type chart I think but by the end it looked more like a staircase being drawn from right to left and moving down step by step. Then two-and-a-half steps were colored in slowly starting with the lowest step.

I thought, “2.5….What does that mean?”

Fed up with the confusing answers I was getting and not knowing what to do next I thought, “I should just wake up.” With that my vision began to fade out and was replaced with hypnagogia – millions of white bubbles on a black background that seemed to float upward.

Recognizing the hypnagogia meant I was back in my body, I opened my eyes and rolled back onto my back.

Considerations

Sometimes when I have these experiences I am “trapped” into a scene for a specific reason. I have been told in various ways that I am there to “see” something. Sometimes a guide will come into the experience and tell me directly, other times I will get hints such as in this experience.

In these instances I have learned to look for the symbolism to find the messages I am being asked to pay attention to. My vision was the main message in these OBEs. When they (my guides/HS) want me to see a certain thing and I am not cooperative then my vision is black. If I follow their lead then I am able to see.

The fog over the mountains is another clue. I wanted it to be clear and sunny but it remained foggy. Fog symbolizes confusion, uncertainty and worry. I am not seeing something in my life as it is. Mountains represent a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge and spiritual truth.

Being pulled by my feet could have been a sign that I am feeling a loss of independence and control or maybe it is a message to stop trying to control everything.

The whole time I was aware of two aspects of myself. One was very playful and interested in sex for some reason. She kept reminding me how much fun sex can be. lol The other was more focused and serious, very analytical in comparison. What is interesting is they both felt like me but I identified more with the serious one. It seemed like I was intent on a goal and did not want the other me to distract me from it.

As for the TV portion of the OBE, I can’t recall ever having such an experience and I am not sure what the answers mean. It is likely that the screen was just saying what I wanted it to.