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In the Middle

The Second Request

Yesterday, during a self-healing session, I asked my guidance to assist me with healing core issues. I did not expect it to happen straight away, though.

Early this morning, around 3am, I awoke from a dream in which I was kissing my soon-to-be ex and had a surge of desire hit me. It woke me. Surprised, I went back to sleep. Again, I found myself kissing him with the same results. I woke up and returned to sleep a third time. The final time the dream continued and he told the kids that we were going to share a bed again. Eek!

It took me a while to return to sleep but I did.

I remember a dream where I saw two birds’ nests one on top of the other. The top nest had large, healthy babies opening their mouths for food. They were sitting among unhatched eggs. The lower nest had newly born, weak babies. I worried all the babies would freeze, saying, “Why are they having babies in the winter?” 

Then I was inside a house. It was my former best friend’s house. She and her husband were having a party. In the center of the living room I saw my friend and made a couple of dry humored jokes. She got mad and stomped away. I went to look for her, saying aloud I was joking, and found her crying. She walked past me and I saw a man pouring vodka all over the chairs in her living room. I went after her to tell her but couldn’t find her. Instead I arrived at a wave pool. Many young people were sitting around the top which seemed very high up. Below was a concrete slope empty of water with water even further out. Suddenly, a wave came up and knocked them all off the top and into the water. I could see ice in the water as it pulled them away.

Then, I overheard my SIL telling someone that my husband was going to give her money to pay for something but that she can’t let me know because we are in the midst of a divorce. I walked up to her and said, “It doesn’t matter. I heard everything.” 

The dream takes a turn here and me and my SIL have an in-depth conversation. She asked me, “Do you want help.” I thought of a certain type of counseling I could get and told her I would try it again except for the people. I said, “When you speak to them and it is a good talk they think you are now their friends but I don’t want to be their friend!” I was asked why and received many images all at once from this lifetime of times when I had been hurt by others. I realized very quickly that I purposefully didn’t have friends. I often say, “Friends are too much work” but I think the real reason is, friends are too much hurt. 

I remember her telling me, “I can help you.” I asked, “How?” She said, “Assist” and “Stat crash.” This confused me and caused me to gain lucidity.

Before I could wake fully, I realized it was a female guide, not my SIL, I was talking to.

I remember telling the female guide that I didn’t want to change my coping mechanism to protect myself from being hurt because “it is working.” I avoid close relationships with people beyond my husband and immediate family. My family hurts me enough as it is! So, it is a relief to not get hurt by a friend, but then it is sad to not have someone outside my family to talk to. In the past couple of years I have felt very, very alone because of my lack of friends.

Ah-ha moment: I realized my request for assistance had been granted. I was shown a core wound and how to repair it. Feeling overwhelmed at what I felt I was being asked to do, I said, “I can’t.” 

A male guide said, “It just takes some time….” and a song I have had on my mind for two days took over. I looked up the lyrics and when I read them I started to cry. The parts in bold emphasize where I feel the main message is.

The Middle, by Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
Just try your best, try everything you can
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away

It just takes some time
Little girl you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

Hey, you know they’re all the same
You know you’re doing better on your own, so don’t buy in
Live right now, yeah, just be yourself
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough for someone else

It just takes some time
Little girl you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
Just do your best, do everything you can
And don’t you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say

It just takes some time
Little girl you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

As I cried I had images bombarding me along with what seemed like instructions on how to change, how to fix the “stat crash” I have been experiencing for the last…..two years maybe more. In that time, I’ve not felt connected spiritually. I’ve felt “punished” but I didn’t know what for. I had chosen to do nothing rather than do what I knew needed to be done. Now that I am taking action things are quickly shifting. My guides are back (they were never gone but had stepped back). The syncs are returning. My dream recall is more vivid and my dreams are more lucid. 

Messages have returned. For me, this has been what I’ve missed the most. 

Examples:

The Mug

I was shopping for mugs. I found one that said, “You’re doing great”. When I read it, I started to cry. I put it back and began to walk off but then turned around thinking, “No. I need to remember that.” I bought the mug. 

Fast forward a week or so. I am in the same store. I have been upset over some things in life and feeling quite down. My daughter is with me. She knows about the mug. A woman about my age walks towards the entrance towards us. Her sweatshirt is too small for her. It has written on it, “Don’t worry. You’re doing great.” I laughed aloud and pointed it out to my daughter. I tell her it is no coincidence. The message is clear.

The First Request

I’m at home feeling angry. My mind is full of scenarios of vengeance. I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling angry. I go to the pantry to get something to eat and the thoughts are swirling. I get frustrated. I say aloud to my guidance, “I don’t want to be angry anymore. I’m tired of being angry.” 

Later that day, my daughter is anxious and so am I. I tell her we need to get out of the house. I suggest a movie. She wants to see Wicked. So we see it. I have no idea what the movie is or that it is a musical. Halfway through the movie I begin to identify with the “witch”. There is a scene where she is finally seen by the group. It makes me cry. I can’t turn it off but manage to by the end. Then there is another part, a song, that causes me to cry, too – Defying Gravity. The movie ends. I go to the bathroom and cry in a stall.

On the drive home I start to talk to my daughter, trying to say something really simple about why I identified with the witch. I start crying and then sobbing uncontrollably. I have to park the car. I cry in front of her. I feel bad but she is so very good at giving me space. 

We get home and I get a phone call from my husband. I start to tell him about the day and begin to sob all over again. My eyes are swollen I’ve cried so much by this time. I just can’t keep it in. A quiet message I hear from within says, “It’s okay. Maybe you should do this more often?”

The second request is at the beginning of this post. 

I have a feeling the floodgates haven’t even opened all the way yet (picture the wave hitting from the dream). 

Oh, and I might have forgotten to mention I’m getting a divorce. It was suppose to be final on the 6th but judgement was postponed. We have yet to get a date for the hearing. Hoping it is before the end of the year.

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Lucid Dream: You’re Dreaming

Woke at 5:30am and was awake only a short while. I didn’t want to wake up yet so went back to sleep.

I entered the dream aware I was dreaming straight away. I was in a house I have been to in other dreams. It feels like my mom’s house but isn’t. It has the same long driveway and a similar layout but is darker overall. There was a group of people there, some I recognized, others I did not. They all felt like family. My mom and my sister were there and so was the salesman from the furniture store (huh?). 

Mostly I remember realizing it was a dream and saying aloud to my invisible companion traveler, “Wow! Everything feels so real! It looks so real!” Then I went to each person and told them, “You’re dreaming.” I told the whole group, also. They seemed to listen. I wasn’t excited, just matter-of-fact. 

Then I went outside and decided to fly to test it. It was very easy and I went up super fast. Worried I would go where I didn’t want to go, I decided to will myself back down. It worked and I came down easily, however, there was a counterthought that suggested I let go and see where it took me. So, I did and a forced pulled me backwards swiftly. I went with it but lost my vision and felt my body in bed. I shifted positions and shifted back into the scene.

I was inside and all the people were seated together around a long table. I wondered what to do next. I saw my sister and went to her. I told her, “You’re awake you know.” She acted like she heard me but kept staring ahead like she was in a trance. I then whispered to her, “You can make things better if you would just get a job.” She said, “I have a job. I make $13.25/hr.” Then she told me about the job. I only remember that it was in a suppressive environment. I remember telling her it was good she had a job and that she just needed to be responsible and use the money wisely. 

The salesman I remembered was seated a the head of the table and he stated aloud to me and the group, “I know I’m asleep.” lol I found him strangely out of place.

The last thing I recall is that I went to the back door which was glass. I decided to try something I use to do all the time when OOB. I walked through the door and it worked! I expected to feel like I became the glass for a moment as I went through but the glass actually bowed outward like it was made of plastic wrap. So the sensation was of a resistance and then a sudden freedom when the glass opened up and let me through. 

Woke up and checked the time. It was 6:33am.

The dream feels to be a message to myself to remember that I am dreaming and not to take life so seriously. It also appears to be a reminder of how unaware the people in my life are they are also dreaming. So many of us sleepwalk through life. I have been doing so lately and am finally waking up again. 🙂

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Message: Look at Yourself

Very vivid dream that felt to be a non-lucid OBE.

I was in what appeared to be another world. The colors were very vivid with lots of water and green. It kinda reminded me of Avatar but the land wasn’t floating Most of the storyline has faded now but I recall being very immersed in it.

What I vividly recall is that there was this tall man in the dream who I knew had been an animal or something in another lifetime. For some reason I thought, “dog”. Perhaps this is because he was a guide or protector? He had a name that I kept repeating in the dream but I couldn’t remember upon waking. I know it had an “I” in it or started with that letter. There were others there, also, all seeming to be young like in their mid-twenties or maybe even younger. This man was part of the group but stayed on the outskirts as if observing.

At some point in the dream I was taken on a journey OOB. I remember my dream body being pulled away from the main dream scene, up and into a new scene. 

I was floating above a deep, blue ocean that spread as far as I could see. In the distance I could see an island dotted with waterfalls and greenery but there was also an ethereal mist and what I can only describe as orbs or bubbles of light dotting the scene. Maybe they were distant planets? It is really hard to describe! Everything in the scene screamed “other world” and I was in awe of it all. 

I took in as much as I could but my focus was drawn to a being standing in the ocean just to my left. I could see his body from the waist up. He was a light, almost white blue in color and had on no clothing. What was really remarkable was his head and face. He reminded me of a short film I’ve seen, in fact the entire world reminded me of it somewhat. He had no hair and a very smooth, bluish-white skin (more white than blue). His face was almost human with regular eyes, small nose and small mouth. He had one arm in the air, pointing towards the island in the distance and had a smile on his face. The most distinct part of his facial features were the round, white disc-like things near his jawline. Overall his skin reminded me of a whale or maybe dolphin.

As I was staring at this being, our eyes met and I was pulled into a telepathic conversation with him. The visual of the scene shifted to what he wanted to tell/show me. In this vision, I was told that many people on Earth are very young, like pre-teens really, and are their students. I saw a visual of their young ones gathered in small groups with an older teacher at the center. The overall message seemed to be that we are all children, not near as old or ancient as we may often feel as we travel through Earth life. I distinctly recall comparing my “age” in this life as well as how I looked to what I was being shown.

With that, I felt myself leave the telepathic mind link (it was like another world itself). Then I was pulled up and, with great momentum, down beneath the dark waters. I allowed this with much anticipation and felt gleeful as I dove down into the depths, knowing I wouldn’t drown and was completely safe. 

Deep in the dark depths of the ocean, as my vision turned black, I seemed to awaken back into the dream scene where I excitedly told the group what I had experienced. Specifically, how we are all really very young in terms of “age” and experience level. I recounted as much as I could to the group, thus reinforcing the memory so I would recall it with detail when I awoke. 

This is when the mysterious man from before came up to me. Again I called him by his name, seeming to know exactly who he was. He held out a small key that was a brass colored rod of maybe two inches with only a couple of small dents along it. He handed it to me and something about the realization that I was receiving the key brought me to full awareness very quickly. As I awoke I heard a familiar message, “Look at yourself.” 

I lingered in bed a while, happy to have finally had an adventure but sad that I hadn’t gained lucidity until the very end. I heard in response to this thought that had I gained lucidity I would’ve altered the course of the experience. I said I wouldn’t have but then Knew he was correct. I most likely would have!

The message, “Look at yourself” has been a common one in the past. I am still not sure what the real meaning behind it is. My first thought is that I need to inspect myself, my actions, my intentions.

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OBE: Knives to Cotton

I had a short lucid/OBE yesterday morning. I’m not super surprised because 1. I recently asked to have one (two nights ago I think) and 2. yesterday I had moments were I was thinking how dream-like things were.  For example, I was downstairs doing yoga and self-healing when my daughter came down. She started talking to me about school and other things. Sometimes when she tells me stuff and I give my view she gets upset. That happened but after I just stayed silent and a thought came to me that it was like a dream and to just allow things to unfold. I even remember thinking how she was just a character in my dream and to respond like I would had I been dreaming. 

Okay, so on to the lucid dream/OBE.

I was dreaming of being inside a small, unfamiliar house. There was a man with me in the kitchen. The kitchen had a golden hue to it, especially the cabinets. The man pulled out a large, kitchen knife. I noticed the drawer was full of them – like an unusual amount. I didn’t feel intimidated, just unimpressed. I walked into a living area and sat at a desk that was to the left of the front door facing a window. IDK know why but I just sat their blankly staring and in the dream a calm came over me like a soft blanket. I felt really relaxed and thought, “I better watch it or I’m gonna fall asleep.” This is what caused me to realize I already was asleep I think, though I don’t remember a specific thought to that end. 

Knowing I was dreaming, I stood up and just lingered a bit, noticing the energy of my astral form and not really knowing what to do. I find this happens often now when I am OOB. Sometimes I just feel bored but mostly I don’t know what to do with no specific purpose motivating me forward. I could feel the energy fading and knew if I didn’t decide to do something I would just wake up, so I moved towards the front of the house with the intention to go outside. As I floated towards the door (the front was no longer where I had been sitting but all the way on the other side of the house), I knew there was a small desk there and was reminded of the drawer of knives. I opened the drawer anticipating feeling a knife and felt cotton balls and pulled out a whole handful of them. lol I wasn’t amused in the dream, just slightly curious, and continued through the door, opening it and floating outside. 

I used my 360 degree vision to see the porch behind me. It was well lit and I could see nick knacks and such all arranged nicely along the front of the house. It was a quaint little house with This Old House vibes. I continued towards the street and that is where I lingered briefly, looking around. I could see trees and other houses lining a residential street. It was dark but not too dark, like super early morning with bit of a haze of light on the horizon.  All the houses had a similar look to the one I came out of. I turned to my right and was about to take flight when I considered briefly that if I tried to fly I would likely go up way too fast, lose vision and then lose connection to the astral realm and end up in my body. I didn’t want that so I opted to turn around facing left and float/jump walked down the street. With no specific destination in mind, I just enjoyed the feeling of being OOB, floating/flying along the road. 

A bit down the road I suddenly felt an energy take hold of me and before I knew it, I was being swiftly pulled towards a cul-de-sac. My vision began to go out from the surprise of it but I wasn’t afraid. I just let the force pull me. I ended up going around the cul-de-sac towards a house on the right. The energy continued, pulling me into what felt like a bunch of vines which I then felt to be tangled in. Not really knowing what to do next, I asked for my vision to turn on, but it was too late. I started shifting back to my sleeping body.

When I woke, my heart was beating a bit faster than normal and my arm had gone numb because it was over my head. I lingered in bed a moment, thanking my guidance for the opportunity to go OOB. I still had a lingering energy that told me I could return if I wanted but it was time for me to make sure my youngest was awake for school.  Just to have that energy there was enough to make me smile. It felt so good!

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Heart Purge Dream and Message: Citen

Major heart purge in dreamtime last night/this morning.

First short dream – Taken to crystal clear ocean and swam in the waist deep water. The water was warm and I remember saying, “I could stay here forever.” This dream indicates healing.

Heart purge dream – Me and a small group of people were taken to the house of an Asian man who we all thought of as a teacher or medicine man. He made a mixture that was full of ingredients that looked pretty gross. The final product was gray and white and of the consistency of porridge. We all ate some and it tasted mildly sweet. We were told it would cause us to go on a journey. I remember telling him I wish he had told me that before I ate any. Not long after I saw a guy in the group go to wooden box the size of a casket and try to get inside for something (artwork I think). I tried to tell him it wasn’t real but he persisted, trying to break it open. Then something caught my attention. I turned and saw woman crying for help so I went to investigate. There was a grotesque creature at her door. It was a blocky, human-like figure colored white with painted on features that reminded me of paintings I’d seen in Japan. I attacked ripping its head off and tearing it apart with my bare hands. I turned back towards the woman who was standing in the doorway. She looked up and so did I. I saw a girl floating above the house who cautiously came out from behind some trees. Recognizing she was a ghost, I told her to go to the Light. She tried but couldn’t and so came back to me for help. She was the woman’s child who had not been able to leave because of the grotesque creature I had just eliminated. As I reached for her, I freed her, but I took on all her emotion and began to cry uncontrollably as my heart exploded in pain. It woke me.

The heart decimation, all to familiar to me, lingered for some time after I woke. With it I could feel my second chakra pulling with energy as well. I was reminded of a conversation I had with my husband not long ago where I told him about my heart bliss episode. I explained how in this world of duality the heart bliss could not exist without the opposite heart pain and shared with him some of the agonizingly painful heart episodes I’d had in the past. Strangely, this heart purge, though painful, was not near as bad as the others. This gives me hope that, perhaps, the end result will be a wholeness that I have yet to experience.

Citen

As I began to drift back to sleep, I received a vivid vision. A word – citen – appeared in my mind. It floated there a while until I read it to myself and it woke me. I looked it up, certain I wouldn’t find it, and discovered it IS a word (middle English).

Citen – To summon or notify (sb.) to appear before a court or a superior; ~ bi office, summon officially.

I find this message intriguing because not only did it feel that I was being called (summoned) as in similar past spiritual incidences, but very soon my husband and I will be summoned to appear before a judge to dissolve our marriage!

Final short dream: I was driving. My son navigated. We were trying to find a location to buy groceries. He took us to a non-grocery store, though, similar to a baby’s r us. As we checked out I questioned the cost of a loaf of bread but I bought it anyway because my son said everything was 50% off. Receipt said only wedding invitations were half price.

I only recalled the dream because of of how vivid the paper I read was that said the only items that qualified for 50% off were wedding invitations. I’ve been having dreams referencing weddings lately.

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Cabin Update

The last time I posted about the land and cabin the foundation had just been completed. We’ve come a long way since then.

Currently, the cabin is ready for decking, spray foam insulation and sheetrock. The construction process has been slower than anticipated, but it is moving at a steady pace. Our contractor said it should be finished sometime in October. This is actually good timing in my opinion as the holiday will be fast approaching and my plan is to use the cabin as a retreat space.

One thing that has not been going to plan is the water situation. We put in our application back in June and the wait should’ve been 6-8 weeks but there has still been no progress despite repeated attempts at communicating with the county. We are hoping they get moving sooner rather than later. Otherwise, we are stuck with a water system that uses filtered pond water (can’t drink it).

Yes, we have a well, but the water quality is such that we opted to go with county water. The price is about the same for install. County water costs a monthly fee but there is no maintenance and the water will stay on when the electricity goes out. Other advantages are the clarity and smell of the water will be at a higher standard than the well water. Well water in this part of Texas tends to smell like rotten eggs (Sulphur) and wells can go dry during periods of extended drought. The well we have is quite shallow and we’ve gotten mixed opinions on its quality with one expert saying the water is fine and another saying he wouldn’t even help us with it because of the poor quality.

If the water isn’t hooked up by completion then my stays at the cabin will be limited. The filtered pond water is not ideal for long-term stays because the filters clog up quickly and the water can smell during periods of pond turnover.

Regardless, even short periods in the cabin surrounded by nature is better than none!

Below are some pictures of the progress since July. The top five pictures are from this weekend.

Land

We have not been able to do much clearing on the property because of the intense summer heat and intermittent rain storms (unusual for this time of year). We have only recently started clearing around the pond, specifically focusing on the left.

This weekend we cleared a path on the left side of the pond. My boys and I fished the pond during breaks and managed to catch some fish. In the past we were unable to catch any. I’m not sure why. So, we had been fishing in the neighbor’s pond with great success. However, now the neighbor’s pond has gone dead and ours seems to be alive with fish. It is super satisfying to finally catch fish in our own pond!

Below are some pics of the pond and the land. I’ve had various encounters with insects, specifically walking sticks and dragonflies. In fact, one day while sitting on the back porch looking at the pond, a dragonfly landed on my outstretched hand when I invited him to. It was amazing!

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Kundalini Dream: Distracting Myself

I had my first Kundalini dream in ages last night. I awakened within the dream and stayed lucid for some time before the intensity of the energy finally woke me. It was the wonderful heart bliss! 

I was in my Mom’s kitchen kneeling down by the cabinets near the sink when I became semi-lucid. I was talking to a man who looked very much like Pedro Pascal (The Mandalorian). He was in the living room talking to me and my back was to him most of the time. I could feel the heart bliss only slightly as I was focused on shuffling through some things under the sink. I don’t remember all that he said but the more he spoke to me, the more the heart bliss intensified. When I saw him I thought how similar he looked to the actor but that thought was interrupted by him asking me something about a “mirror”. I got up and went into my old bedroom. 

The dream shifted to my bedroom where I sat focused yet again on a box or something (I can’t remember what). I was sitting or kneeling in the corner when I heard the man asked me, “Why are you in here?” I said to him, “I’m distracting myself [from the feeling]”. Just turning and replying to his question shot a surge of bliss to my heart. I began to lose my breath which is my typical response. I also started to cry because of how amazingly beautiful it was. I could see his face distinctly now and the bliss just intensified. There was more conversation, mostly how I was afraid of the bliss and other things. I do recall the word “mirror” came up again, also. It was like he was counseling me, trying to get me to recognize there is nothing to fear, that this bliss IS me.

As we were talking, I awoke and the bliss remained. I could feel it expanding upward and downward but it never did so fully. Instead I could feel my root light up ever so slightly and again lost my breath. Memory of other times this has happened but to the full extent came to me. It is spectacular, like I am exploding in love. The love shooting simultaneously out of my crown and root. Again, I was reminded that everything I am feeling is me and to not be afraid. The energy continued for some time only finally subsiding when I rolled over and returned to sleep.

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Lucid Sphere

Just a short dream experience to share from last night.

Prior to bed I had a pretty bad headache which was brought on by a massive, emotional purge (I’ll spare you the details). I opted not to take anything for it, hoping sleep would make it better. When I focused on the energy that was the pain I could detect a small circle, about the size of a quarter, at the very top (crown) of my head where there was no pain, just a tingling. Unfortunately the pain was too distracting for me to tune in for long. In fact, it seemed only to get worse. It kept waking me up and, at one point, I thought I might need to go to the ER. Just as I had that thought, the pain subsided. Ha!

But anyway, on to the lucid sphere visit I had.

About an hour into sleep, during a period in which I thought I was awake because the dream I was having was in my bedroom, I had a lucid moment. I had been bringing some things into my space but I don’t remember what. I only remember hauling them one by one. At some point my vision came on very clearly and I could see the ceiling of my bedroom. In the darkness I saw a shape take form. It came out of the ceiling like a mist and formed into a solid sphere not much bigger than my fist. Surprised, I focused on it and thought for sure there was an entity in my bedroom (remember I think I’m awake). As soon as I had that thought the sphere zoomed straight towards me. Before it made contact I jolted awake, breathing heavy from the shock of it. 

Afterwards it took me a while to figure out what happened because I still thought it all happened when I was awake. I looked around my room for any sign of the sphere. This is when I realized I had been OOB because the memory of the sphere was so very different than the darkness in my room. The sphere and the space it was in was outlined in light and the blackness was more of a blue hue than it is in reality. 

Around this point is when I heard a voice say, “Lux”. There was another word with it but I forgot it because I knew immediately that lux = light. The voice was telling me about my Light.

Thoughts

I don’t have many lucid dreams or OBEs these days. In fact, my dream recall has been shit. When I do happen to remember or have a lucid-type experience, inevitably I am being hit! This is just the most recent in a long string of being attacked by an object! The most common attack is by a tree (lol) but this sphere, now that is interesting! I can still see it vividly – a grey, perfectly symmetrical sphere with a slight, glowing outline to it spinning like a planet. And I truly thought I was awake and being visited by Spirit or an E.T. LOL I am sure my guides are getting a good laugh.

So, if I keep getting beat up in my dreams/experiences, and it is continuing to happen, then I haven’t figured out the message or I haven’t done what I need to do yet. Hmmmm. And here I thought it was just a way to wake me up.

I would really like to have an OBE again and NOT be beat up. Sigh.

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Dream Message to Myself: That Feeling Will Never Go Away

Had a dream that very much could’ve been an OBE had I been lucid enough. In it I was at my mom’s house in the front yard. A boy and some other young people were running about. The boy said, “Can you do this?” and floated up in the air and lingered for a bit. I told him I could and began jumping around and floating/flying. I ended up in the trees a couple of times and one time a branch swung back and hit me.

Somehow I noticed a depressed girl separate from the group. I can’t recall why she got my attention now, but I went over to her to see if I could help. I told her I understood how she felt. She was feeling homesick and out of place in this world. The feeling was really getting to her and causing her to get little accomplished. I hugged her tight and told her “that feeling will never go away”. When I said this, I burst into tears. My crying woke me up.

I remember feeling lonely and isolated here, and, of course, homesick. I was told how important it is that I surround myself with “my people”. It seems hopeless to do that being there are so few. I can count on one hand those who feel like they fit that description and most have gone from my life now.

In HD my unique bodygraph indicates there will very few people I meet who fit the description of “my people”. The rest won’t be. Some might seem like it but aren’t. I must be wary of those who want to possess me and never let me go. It makes me very sad.  It is hard enough to be homesick like I am but then to be so lonely because so very, very few “get” me or even “see” me at all. The older I get, the more invisible I feel I am becoming. 

Chiron/Kiron Return and the 6th Line

I am fast approaching the age of 48. This is the year when life begins to shift in preparation for the Chiron return. I’ve been waiting for this change for a long time – all my life, actually. The Chiron return is when the 6th line is done waiting for the next step or next cycle. It is the culmination of a life’s work.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like it is nearing the time when I need to come out of my hermit hole and reintegrate with society/people. Most recently I’ve been the complete opposite. I want nothing to do with people, their drama or insanity. I’ve become very cynical and just want everyone to leave me alone. This is still how I feel for the most part, yet I’ve started to feel an inner nudge to let go of the cynicism and solitude and begin reintegrating into society. I’m not sure how to do this after so many years of withdrawal.

The dream says a lot in regards to how my isolation and cynicism has been affecting me. It also reminds me that the feeling that I’ve carried with me from the beginning of this life (homesickness) is not going to go away. Hiding from it or trying to push it away by distracting myself with this or that will not change how I feel. Where in the past this feeling was the impetus for my movement forward, it is now threatening that very progress.

I’ve had some “coincidental” interactions of late that seem to all point to what I wrote in the above paragraph. For example, I reconnected with an old friend (one of “my people”) which sparked a Remembering and helped me recognize my denial. I also recently recalled how passionate I use to be about helping people. I took risks I would never take today, mostly risks that involved putting myself “out there”. No matter how often I failed or stumbled, I got back up, and still saw the best in others. At some point, unfortunately, I decided there was no hope to be found in others. Deciding they will disappoint and hurt me. So, I retreated to lick my wounds and stew in my bitterness.

It is time to let go of what was in order to move into what will be. It is time to rekindle that simple Knowing that I have come here to fulfill a purpose – to help. Perhaps that feeling of homesickness, that intense grief of something indescribable and somewhat unattainable while I have a body, is the thing that needs releasing? Could it be that I am holding onto it so desperately that it is eroding my very Being, causing me to Forget and leading me into darkness?

I find it ironic that these insights are coming to me at the very time I am constructing a cabin on 10 acres, far away from the city, the politics and the people that make me cringe on a daily basis. It wouldn’t surprise me if I never live in it. Perhaps just the construction of it is enough? Still, though, it’s creation is in process, so that in itself could be the message: Not yet. Use this time to heal. Creation is healing. And I laugh a little because Creation, the creative force, is at the heart of us all. The Kundalini has taught me that.

As I was saying, there have been “coincidental” happenings lately that point towards the coming change. The woman I’ve been speaking with from the UK who has the same HD bodygraph as me was why I began thinking of that time before my Saturn Return. Back then I was open, somewhat naive and very intent on finding and living my purpose. It was her that helped me recognize how far I’ve come from that version of myself. I think Chiron will show me how to mutate the old me (pre and post-Saturn Return) into the new me.

by

Update: Recent Travel and Cabin/Land

I’ve not been online much. Blogging and even journaling has almost come to a complete stop. Instead, I’ve been posting every now and then in a forum I’ve been a part of for many years because I get more feedback and support there than I tend to get here on WordPress. Most of what I post is very mundane compared to the typical posts on this blog. If you are interested in following along with me there (and meeting some amazing people), please send me a message and I will send you the info/link for the consciousness exploration forum I frequent.

Travel

So, what have I been up to? Well, I recently returned from almost two weeks overseas. I returned on July 4th around midnight and it took me all the way until Monday to start to feel normal again. I swear I must have slept 10-14hrs a day and still felt tired. lol My friend jetlag did not disappoint! And this time it made sure to leave me completely disoriented whenever I woke. One time I woke up not knowing where I was and wandered all over my room looking for doors that weren’t there. It took me about 5 minutes to recognize my own bedroom again. Ha!

Where did I go? Seoul, South Korea, Tokyo and other parts of Japan, and finally Oahu, Hawaii. I spent about four days in each place, not near enough to get over the initial jetlag I had in Korea BTW.

The first and last places (S. Korea and Hawaii) were work related. Japan was a birthday present to my husband from his family. I wasn’t very keen on S. Korea but Japan peaked my interest, especially the Sea of Trees forest.

In S. Korea we visited a palace, Gyeongbokgung, the main royal palace of the Joseon Daynasty. We also went to a Buddhist temple but I can’t recall its name now. Then we visited Seoul Tower and later learned how to make Kimchi and got dressed in traditional dress. I found Koreans to be very friendly and welcoming. The city of Seoul was so clean, so well planned, that it almost felt like an entirely different dimension. It was very different from the U.S.! Unfortunately, I didn’t enjoy the food too much, at least not until I tried the street food. Now that was yummy!

My first impression of Tokyo was similar – clean, welcoming and like a completely different world. Where Koreans mostly don’t know English, almost everyone in Japan seemed to. Everything was in both Japanese and English in most places and everywhere I went (mostly on subways, trains and buses) everything was in English. I spent the first day in the hotel sleeping but the second day we traveled to the Sea of Trees and Mt. Fuji. It took us 4hrs by subway and train and then when we returned by bus and subway it was a bit faster. I suggest if you fly into Tokyo that you do not try to do Mt. Fuji in one day. All the transportation in the park stops at 5pm. I wish we had gotten a hotel and stayed there the entirety of our trip, but we didn’t. Even so, we got to visit two ice caves and the Sea of Trees, which was enough for me.

I’d been to Hawaii before so I mostly slept and worked from the hotel while we were there. I did visit Pearl Harbor (our company has a contract to repair the dry docks) and lingered on the beach or worked during the days. In the evenings it was lots of fine dining and shopping.

Overall, I think the trip would’ve been more enjoyable had we given ourselves more time in each location to get over the jetlag. IDK if it is my age or what but my body was just not adjusting as fast as I wanted. Thus, the sleeping away one day in Tokyo and Hawaii and then three days of exhaustion when I returned to the states.

Here are some pictures which are in order of Hawaii, then Tokyo and finally S. Korea:

Egret
Banyan tree
Sea of trees

Land and Cabin Progress

The day we left for South Korea the old mobile home on the new property was moved. It is gone forever. Donated to a family in need. I feel good about donating it. I hope it’s new family turned it into a loving home. I do not know where or who it went to, just that it is close by (within 1hr).

The little turkey vulture grew up and has feathers. I did not get a picture of him after my most recent trip but the last time I saw him he was bigger than a chicken, though still mostly covered in his white down with some feathers sprouting on his wings.

The cabin foundation was completed before we left. It is now ready for a roof and windows. We are hoping to have it complete by the end of summer or early Fall. We are still waiting on the county to tell us how much it will cost to have county water. The water well works but it will be costly to get running (around $15K). We suspect the county water will be similar but would prefer it since maintaining a water well can be costly over time and county water will be around $50/mo. There is still a lot of work to do on the land such as clearing junk and finishing some of the out buildings. We will tackle those issues once it gets a bit cooler this fall. The temps we’ve had in the high 90’s are not ideal for working outside.

Below is progress of the cabin starting with most recent (as of this past Wednesday):

Critters we’ve encountered on the land to include baby turkey vulture:

Other pics of the land. The first is where the mobile home use to sit. The second is of the shed we are fixing up and the last is what is left of a junk pile: