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Dream: Fireweed

I got to sleep in until almost 9pm, so nearly 11 hours. I must have needed the sleep. I have been sleeping very deeply and unable, for the most part, to remember my dreams. I was able to remember the last dream, however, and it was quite strange.

Dream: Fireweed

I was in Alaska for some reason and inside a very large, white pick-up truck. I was sitting in the passenger’s seat and a man told me, “Put your hands on the wheel with mine.” I did as I was told, putting my hands on the right side of the steering wheel. I saw his two hands join mine at the “10 and 2” position. He said told me “We” can do this together.

The truck was going very, very fast. As I approached a main highway I saw a man inside a truck waiting for me to turn. He was waving me to go and had a smile on his face. His truck was positioned right in the middle of the two lanes of traffic. Cars were speeding by in both directions. I realized he was telling me it was safe to go and I turned left in front of him and got into the far left lane of traffic and went through the light, which I assume was green, though I never saw it.

Then I was with a group of people and being welcomed into a house. I felt that I had been away a long time, that I knew these people and had visited them before. There was a small dark-haired boy, about the age of 7, who was there. He was unable to walk on his own but was extremely smart and articulate for his age. There were also strange looking dogs with long snouts resembling something from a Sci-Fi movie. Wolf hounds or something like that, which were gray and had strange fur. They were nice, though, and did as they were told.

I went inside the house and greeted my old friends. I recognized my friend Eric Starwalker and he stayed with me most of the dream. I was hungry and thirsty and the women there were offering me food and drink.

Then I was outside on a path with a man. He stopped and said, “I see something. Hold on.” He bent over to pick it up and I said, “It’s a snake skin. That’s the same snake we saw this time last year.” He picked up a snake skin and then rustled around in the leaves and found the snake. It was a vivid red and quite fat, almost looking like a worm except it was way too big for that. We both looked at it in amazement and I noticed it was twice the size it had been last year.

groundsnake-baby

The boy who couldn’t walk had been set down and was crying to see the snake. I went over and picked him up and let him see it. He was heavy but I liked holding him and wanted to keep holding him. He clung to me like a baby clings to his mom. Something was comforting about having him in my arms.

I carried the boy with me for some time. We went into the house and I sat the boy down.  At some point, my friend Eric and I had a long conversation about marijuana. He asked me how long it had been since I had smoked it and I told him 9 years. We had a long discussion then about the benefits of medicinal plants including marijuana, psilocybin and ayahuasca. I remember asking him if it was bad to include it as part of one’s spiritual practice. He told me it wasn’t bad if used properly.

Then I was sitting next to a man with dark hair who was somehow related to the young boy who I was so attached to. They were playing a game and he was showing me the characters of the game. They were inside a black box lined with a velvety material. The characters were literally characters, Light Codes, and of varying colors, and seemed magnetized to one another. The most prominent color was white but there was also blue and green. I remember wanting one of the blue ones for some reason and being fascinated by the characters. He told me, “I can teach you how to play if you like.” I was willing and felt a deep connection with the man.

I sat behind this dark haired man, very close to him with my legs up next to his. Our feet touched and then our legs and with this contact I could sense his thoughts/feelings. There was a draw here to be close to him then and I wrapped my arms around him from behind and began to kiss and snuggle his neck and shoulders.

There were messages being sent to me at this time in what appeared to be email but it was received in my mind. The message I saw was about Fireweed. It was like an information sheet and I saw the word, “FIREWEED” printed on the top and below it was a poem about the plant and its uses. My first thought was that this was about weed (marijuana) and since the email was from my friend Eric, I accepted the message as an invitation to smoke some with him, which I intended to do. The email background was entirely black and the letters were a crimson and seemed to shimmer as I read them.

Considerations

When I woke my first memory was of the little boy who was unable to walk but who was extremely smart. He liked me and clung to me and I felt very attached to him as if he was my own child. Similarly I was drawn to the dark haired man who was a relative or caretaker of this young boy. I suspect that they are one in the same and that the boy is the inner child of the man, who represented my counterpart.

I then remembered that I recently had a dream where a man had lost both of his legs. I was giving him a mediumship reading in the dream and remember he had lost his legs in battle. I suspect the loss of movement is what is being relayed by both dreams. This dream indicates that this loss of movement stems from childhood, perhaps around the age of 7.

The other interesting part of this dream is the entire discussion about medicinal plants to help one in expanding their awareness. Much of the dream was a discussion of such plants starting with marijuana and expanding to psilocybin and ayahuasca. In the dream I was very wary of using any of them and had directly asked if using them was a good idea. I was told yes and encouraged to explore them again as I had once done (well not ayahuasca). In my research of Fireweed (the Alaska state flower and a plant I am very familiar with since I lived there for over a year), I discovered that Fireweed was once used by early pioneers in ale as an intoxicating beverage that had hallucinatory potential when mixed with another plant. I never knew that! It may also be connected to the “fire” of the Kundanili and this symbolism is supported by the snake which was red and one I had seen before. The snake grew to double its size and there was reference to me finding it last year at this time. I suspect if I were to look through my blog posts from that time period I would find a Kundalini experience and maybe even a snake dream.

There was also encouragement in the dream to “take the wheel” that is my life. It was made very clear that I am not alone by the fact that another set of hands was on the wheel with mine. This message was reinforced by two songs that came to mind upon waking. They are songs I have received before as messages. The first was The Words by Christina Perri. The lyrics I heard were, “And I know, the scariest part is letting go..” The other song was by Counting Crows, A Murder of One. I was reminded of this song recently on my trip back from Tennessee. I had the idea to create a playlist of all the songs my guides have used to pass on messages to me. That song was one of the first used and has been used multiple times over the years. It was used when I lived in Alaska so it is not a surprise that it came up again after a dream of being in Alaska. This morning the specific part was, of course, the “Change, change, change” part. That is typically the message it is used to convey.

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Visitations of the Insect Kind

Yesterday I got visited by another swallowtail. This time a Giant Swallowtail. Prior to and during my trip to Tennessee I had several visits by butterflies. I guess then it shouldn’t be a surprise that they are still visiting me. 🙂

Not long after I encountered a very large moth. Here is a picture of him:

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Then today, while outside with my children enjoying the brisk, Fall weather here in Texas, I got visited by a dragonfly. He actually landed on me multiple times and was content to just sit on my arm despite me moving around and getting very close to him. He was a brilliant blue. I didn’t have my phone so no picture, but he looked something like this:

dragonfly

The messages of these three visitors are not dissimilar. The moth was seen during the day resting on the side of the house. I nearly didn’t see him at all since he blended in so perfectly with his surroundings. Therefore, I suspect his particular message to me was to blend in. The moth reminds us to”use our environment to our advantage, blend in when necessary, adjust and adapt when the situation requires it.”

The dragonfly has visited me before. His message is to pay attention to what we think, especially those thoughts which arise via meditation and the dreamstate. He reminds us to be mindful of our thoughts for they produce our reality. This has been a near constant message from my guidance since my return from Tennessee. Keep the mind chatter to a minimum. Don’t think about “what-if’s” but instead focus on what is in your heart and your Knowingness.

The butterfly is, as always, all about transformation. Whenever I see the butterfly, I am reminded of something my guidance told me recently:

Like with all transformation, the transformed often do not notice how they have changed until they are well outside the parameters of the completed metamorphosis. Does the caterpillar know it is changing into a butterfly whilst it is inside the cocoon? When does it know that it has transcended the limits of its cumbersome body? Is it when it opens its wings for the first time? Is it when it takes its first flight? Or is it when it is up above its Earthly home looking down on what once seemed to be the insurmountable obstacle of its existence? 

 

 

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Beckoning: Life Form, Life Tunnel

It has taken me most of the day to remember the guidance I received this morning. I have been preoccupied with writing about my time in Tennessee. You can read what I remembered about my walk-in experience here if you are interested.

Dream: No Identity

Firstly, I had an odd dream. In it I was in a grocery store with unfamiliar people. I was disoriented and somehow lost my purse. I found it at the exit just laying on the floor. Concerned that it may have been snatched and all my valuables stolen, I picked it up and went through it. I found everything in its place despite it obviously being moved around. I remember looking around and feeling watched and unsafe. There were dark men on the sidewalk passing me by and it made me nervous.

While outside sitting on a bench, a stranger came up to me and asked me if I needed a ride home. I didn’t remember where home was and was quite confused. I remember telling the woman this and her telling me she would take care of me.

I got into her white pick-up truck and watched out the window as she drove us to her house, looking at the small country towns we drove through and still wondering where I was. I remember entering the town, even was told the name, but I can’t remember it now.

The woman took me into the house and introduced me to her father. He asked me some questions and by this time I remembered that I had a husband and looked for my phone, which I found. Unfortunately, I had no idea how to contact him or communicate with him. Somehow the father of this woman was able to get my husband on the phone and his response was negative, like I was a nuisance and it irritated him to have to come and get me. Toward the end of the dream I seemed to get more and more confused and disoriented. There was an 18 year old boy, the brother of the woman who helped me. He was especially interested in me and was commenting on my appearance. This woke me up.

Guidance

When I woke up it was 5:45am and I was wide awake. My first thoughts were on the amazing time I had just had in Tennessee and an overwhelming amount of love for my counterpart flooded my heart. I had questions and was asking what was going on with my energy. How had I changed? What was going to happen next? What, if anything, should I do?

I remember shifting into the in-between several times. The information that came to me was that I was heading into “the next stage” of this journey/transformation. I asked what it was and didn’t get an answer that made any sense. My guidance kept saying that I would be taking a “step up” and that he (my counterpart) was there to help me, as I was to help him. Thinking now it could be that we will both be asked to “step up” as part of this next stage.  I asked about how my energy had changed. I sense I am different. I fell into the in-between again around this time and saw a very bright sign with huge yellow letters on it back lit with white light. The sign read:

Beckoning
Life Form
Life Tunnel

This woke me up and I wondered what it meant. I got up to write it down because I realized I was losing most, if not all of the information that was coming through.

My thoughts returned to my counterpart and what was ahead for us. My heart chakra was so lit up with bliss energy that there was no way I could return to sleep.

Right before I got out of bed I began to hear a song in my head and sang along. It was Pat Benatar, “Love is a Battlefield.” I use to love her when I was growing up. 🙂 I hadn’t heard the song in ages. The specific part that was repeating was:

We are young
heartache to heartache we stand
no promises no demands
love is a battlefield
we are strong
no one can tell us we’re wrong
searching our hearts for so long
both of us knowing love is a battlefield

I don’t know if this song as a message is a good one. lol It’s sure making me think I have a battle waiting for me. I like the song, though. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do. It’s from 1983. 🙂

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OBE: Seeing Stars

Today is my first day home since the 25th of September. I may write about my experiences at a later date. So much happened and I am still processing everything. However, this morning I had an OBE so I will share it despite it being quite short and seemingly insignificant.

OBE: Seeing Stars

I woke at around 5:30am wide awake and hearing a song in my head which made me smile and then requested help to return to sleep since I have been sleep deprived while on vacation.

I entered into a lucid dream in which I was standing in my bedroom facing a woman who was laying in bed. There was a sense here that she was terminally ill and dying. Standing next to her was a golden retriever and together we were teaching him how to communicate with sign language. lol As I became more aware I wondered about what was going on. My youngest came into the dream then and was playing on the floor in front of me sitting in a pile of Legos. I realized I was OOB at this time, noticing a strangeness in my energy body. It was dense and very large, larger than I have ever felt.

I thought, “I’m OOB” and immediately took over. My vision blacked out and I found myself in my house in my bedroom. I quickly moved downstairs and away from my body. Then I relinquished control to my guidance without thought or consideration. When I did this my vision turned on suddenly and I was floating face up outside staring at a the stars above. They were spectacular and I just floated there staring at them in awe.

I began to feel myself falling down, down, down, with great speed. Not use to this, it peaked my curiosity. Usually I am pulled up toward the stars and away from Earth eventually ending up in space looking down on a spectacular view of Earth. This time I was being pulled seemingly into the very center of Earth. I could feel myself getting closer to Earth as I watched the stars get closer when they should have gotten farther away.

I spent what seemed like an eternity falling endlessly into Earth. I never reached her center. Instead it seemed that the Earth and space were actually being pulled into me. This was unsettling. Without words I indicated to my guidance that I was uncomfortable with the experience and took back control. My vision immediately blacked out. When it returned, I found myself outside an unfamiliar house in the dark. I heard a cat mewing and went in search of her, heading towards the house. I could see the cat in my mind as if I was familiar with her. She was an orange tabby. For some reason I wanted to get to her, which is unusual because normally I withdraw from cats in my dreamstates.

I never made it to the house. Instead I felt pulled back to my body where I found that both my hands were completely numb and folded over my chest as if I were in a casket. I had a very odd feeling upon return but shrugged it off.

 

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Road Trip

I’m spending today packing and preparing for my road trip to Tennessee tomorrow. I plan on leaving before sunrise which means I need it all ready because I am NOT a morning person and will likely forget something important (like my purse lol). Picking up my friend in Dallas and then it’s a straight shot from there. We plan on being there at least until October 3rd, maybe longer. I don’t plan on blogging while I’m gone and will update when I return.

I’ve been struggling since the full moon. The energies have been very off kilter. I have not felt so much inner conflict since 2001 or maybe during my Dark Night. It’s been a push-pull, tug-of-war feeling pretty much constantly. Thankfully the energies have settled since the Equinox and I feel more balanced than I have in quite a while. I’m hoping this reprieve is not brief and will last me through the end of the month. I hear the 26-27th are suppose to be intense. Hopefully not so much that I end up back in an internal tug-of-war.

If you have been struggling like me then a big ((((((hugs)))))) to you. A hug is what I have been craving the most. I just want to find my safe place/person and never let go. The vulnerability that comes with this kind of internal shake-up is akin to feeling tossed into a sea without a life jacket or life boat. Just now I am remembering all the dreams I’ve been having about floods, swimming pools, dark lakes/water, etc. Just had another last night in fact. That along with dreams of runaway cars and brakes not working, you get an idea of what this craziness is doing to me.

The despair and apathy has been the worst. It is like the entirety of my current and past life is crumbling away in front of me. Of course, nothing physically has changed but it feels unsteady, shaken up and ready to collapse and I can’t get my bearings. Where is North? What is up? What is down? One can’t help but get a feeling of impending doom yet at the same time there is a silver lining feeling accompanying it. Like the sun is about to come out if I can just hang on a bit longer.

Right now I am just happy to have a return to a bit of “normal”. There are physical symptoms the past couple of days suggesting a huge download in process. Sleeping deeply and waking up to horrible hot flashes and sweating. It takes me a good hour to get to the point where I am cooled down. My guidance is fairly quiet again and the messages have stopped. There have been brief stirrings of Kundalini but nothing substantial.

The timing of this trip appears to be just right. Soon I will be surrounded by my spiritual family and friends. I will be in a safe space energetically which I feel is necessary for some of the changes that I feel are coming my way. I read this morning that October will be a month of change. We’ll see. Hoping it is good change without the crazy, unbalanced energies.

See you in October!

For a good explanation of what is coming on or near the 26-27th, read this post on the Eris/Uranus Conjunction.

 

 

 

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Lucid Dream: The God 10 Effect

I woke at 4am after yet another very good, deep sleep. I was wide awake and my guidance was close. As is normal, I tried to get comfortable and found it difficult. Turned to my right. Not quite right. Turned to my left. Not quite right. My guidance interjected at this time and said, “Balance”. I recognized the symbolism straight away. Left – feminine (my preferred side to sleep on). Right – masculine. This is the body, the mind is the opposite of this. Anyway, for a while now I have been most comfortable sleeping on my back and whenever I have an experience – lucid dream, OBE, in-between, Kundalini – I come back to my physical body laying on my back. It occurred to me then that perhaps my shift to sleeping in this position (I have always been a side-sleeper) is more than just body preference. Perhaps it is a reflection of my own inner Shift? From what my guidance was sending, this conclusion seems correct.

From this point a conversation commenced about finding balance and what that looked like on a mental level. I have a tendency to go to extremes one way and then the other. I very rarely sit in the middle, unmoving and solid. The pendulum is always moving and balance is but a moment that passes quickly as I shift to yet another extreme. It was explained that to be in the center and balanced is the goal. This is the location of the Observer.

This conversation was brought about because of my concern at noticing that I have absolutely no excitement regarding my upcoming trip to Tennessee. There is a temptation to cancel it and just stay home and mope. Ha!

Funny enough, I was able to drift into the in-between and then into a lucid dream.

Lucid Dream: The God 10 Effect

I was both watching and being a young woman who was very disconnected from reality and found it difficult to focus on normal life tasks. She was spaced out. She heard a “voice” in her head that kept her on track. He sometimes appeared to her in the form of a very normal looking, clean-cut man with brown hair. She/me was in a department store shopping. She forgot who she was, where she was and what she was doing. The voice directed her to the cashier. She walked up to the cashier who asked her to fill out a slip before check-out and then asked her for her ID and payment. The girl turned and crawled into her car, which was sitting right next to her inside the store. Sitting in the passenger seat she reached into her wallet and saw her driver’s license was missing. In the moment I took over. Recognizing I was dreaming I thought, “This is a dream and I can make the license appear.” It did and I gave it to the cashier with a check written to the amount of $33.33. I saw my license number on the check and thought, “I didn’t need the ID after all.”

While checking out, the car began to slowly creep forward despite being in park. The girl pulled up the emergency brake but the car kept moving. The girl realized it was not going to stop so she jumped into the driver’s seat and put on the brake.

Then the girl took the shirt she bought and began to leave but forgot again who she was and where she was. The voice told her, “There’s your car.” She saw a silver car in the parking lot. It looked like a Ford Flex and the license plate read 333 3333. In the dream I recognized this sign and took note of it but did not take over the dream and continued to observe.

She sat down at a table and the scene shifted. The voice was the man talking to another woman (who was also me). They both sat down to eat lunch and observed the girl sitting alone talking to herself. They thought she was crazy and the girl, recognizing this, pretended to hold a phone and then ended her conversation.

She got up and began to leave and I became very lucid. There was a distinct feeling here that is hard to describe. It was like I had been looking through a screen door and I was finally able to focus and see past the screen to the scene beyond. There was a sense of being in multiple places all at once; of perceiving everything all at once and being able to see the big picture.

The scene shifted and became a television screen. There written clear as day was the title of the show, “The God 10 Effect.” The credits began and I remember saying, “I like this show. I want to watch more.” Then the very last image was the production company and it said, “The X Files”.

 

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OBE: World Summit

When I woke this morning at 6:30am I was talking with one of my guides. We were having a conversation about what is coming. Though I don’t recall the entire conversation or the exact subject, I can remember enough to know that it was a continuation of the extensive exploration of a certain topic the night before. I remember saying, “I don’t want to focus on the physical.” With this was a thought about how when life gets busy, my spiritual experiences (OBE’s, in-between states, Kundalini, etc) come to a near standstill. It’s not that they stop occurring, but that I am so focused on mundane matters that I miss or bypass the spiritual experiences that I normally would notice.

Suffice it to say, I was not in a very good mood when I woke up. lol

After getting up and having to do some last minute school preparations for my kids, I decided to go back to bed. This almost never happens but this morning I felt like I needed the extra rest.

Messages

Within minutes of laying down I entered the in-between. I received various messages as the conversation with my guidance continued.

I had a vision of two crescent moons facing each other. They were coming closer together and when their ends touched a sparkling of energy began to explode out of the center of them. What resulted was a brilliantly white full moon that resembled the Yin and Yang symbol but without the black and white coloring.

I remember hearing that both sides carried something that was needed for the “mission”. I was not able to remember what I contributed despite hearing it clearly word-for-word. Why does that happen every.single.time!?!! Anyway, I heard what the other half was to contribute: Courage. I remember thinking, “Good because I’m a coward!” LOL There was a reminder to not sell myself short.

In another message I was told and simultaneously remembered, “I’ve practiced for this.” There was a Knowing then that I had been preparing for the coming decision and subsequent life changes it would create for a very long time. I wish I recalled what the scenario was but all I had was a Knowing and it settled my worries immediately. I remember thinking it was “crazy” to Know such a thing but at the same time it made total sense to me that we would rehearse important life decisions prior to and during life. I tried to remember these rehearsals but my memory was blank. Go figure!

In another vision I was sitting in the front seat of a car with my dear friend, Angela. She was in the driver’s seat. I opened up my purse and pulled out a large tube of lipstick. It was the length of my forearm. When I opened it up it was a pinkish-red and smelled like watermelon. There was a vision here of me throwing a watermelon and watching it crack open. I gave it to her as a gift and she accepted. Then she turned to me and said, “Let’s cook some cauliflower.” I said, “Cauliflower? Okay.” lol

Then I was trying to kill a cockroach and it hid inside one of my daughter’s Barbie cars. I took the car and put it in a kiddie pool to try and drown him. lol

OBE: World Summit

After this I was at a large warehouse. My consciousness ventured through the double doors to look inside. It was massive and the floors were pure ice. I thought/said, “It looks like an ice rink.” In the center of the rink was a table that was as long as the rink. It was lined with chairs and I remember thinking, “There is going to be a gathering.” I wondered who was going to be meeting there.

I became very aware at this point. I could feel my physical body very acutely but I was also very aware of floating just inches above it. I knew I was OOB but I wanted to know what the vision was about and if I distanced myself from my physical body I would lose the scene and any chance of retrieving the information being relayed to me. So I remained hovering over my physical body and calmed myself so as to remain OOB as long as I could.

I began to hear a conversation between several men that I could not see. They were gathering for a world summit meeting to discuss the state of the world and what could be done about it. The feeling from the men was that the meeting would be a waste of time. No one would agree on anything and if they couldn’t then the world would be none the better for their trying. This was not mentioned in words, instead it was more of a Knowing that was relayed to me. One man asked another man, “Where is the Chairman?” Another man answered and said, “I don’t know but he should be here soon.” Then another voice said, “What’s his name again?” I heard a man answer, “His name is Crow.” My immediate thought when I heard the name Crow was, “Eat crow.”

At this point, aware that I was overthinking and needed to not focus on what was being said, my attention was drawn to my root chakra which was exploding out toward my feet. Recognizing I was focusing too much on that, I began to try and not focus on anything and calm my mind. When I did this I could feel the energy of transition that indicates both leaving the body and returning to it. I did not want to return to my body so I pulled away from my physical body and headed toward the bedroom door. As I grabbed onto the doorknob I began to feel my heart pounding in my chest as if I were in my physical body. I recognized I was still to close to my body and needed to get further away. Yet the pounding of my heart was intense and with it came sensations from my body indicating that my arm was going numb. It was such an odd experience to feel both bodies simultaneously. Unfortunately, my body’s communication was too strong. The need to “fix” it was more than the need to explore the astral and so I made the decision to go back to my body.

When I settled back in my body my heart was not pounding but my arm was numb and my bladder was uncomfortably full. There was energy all around my head, indicating re-entry via my crown.

 

 

 

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Preparation in Dreams: Time to Act

I slept 10 hours last night. This comes after a week of very light sleep averaging 6 hours a night. It appears I am shifting back to the deep, heavy, healing sleep of integration and preparation.

When I woke at 6am I felt sad and emotionally empty inside. It literally felt like someone came in with a spoon and scooped out everything inside. Hollow and echoing back at me the emptiness. I was extremely tired and the only thing I recall thinking was that I felt like I did during my Dark Night of the Soul.

Dream: Taking Tests

Surprisingly, I fell back to sleep. I entered into a dream where I was sitting at a student desk taking a test. All I saw wast he test in front of me. It was laid out like a typical test but I am not sure what the subject was. I suspect math because I remember writing down a decimal that never ended – something like .81258…… I just remember there were 8’s in it. It was the square root of a number but I don’t know what number. The number 33 was also prominent as was the Pi symbol.

I turned in the test thinking I didn’t care if I passed it or not. In my mind I was considering my grade and figured I would get a 75%, which was totally fine with me. This is surprising because in school nothing less than a 90% was acceptable. Perfectionist. Somewhere in college I got over this expectation and accepted B’s, but C’s would still upset me.

The teacher asked me if I finished the entire test and asked me to check my answers. I returned to my seat and flipped through my test. It was several pages long and I realized I had not completed the pages in the middle. So I turned it over and started from the beginning, noting there were reading passages throughout it. It didn’t look like a math test at all!

The first page was almost entirely instructions. At the very bottom was a fill-in-the-blank section without a word bank. I remember feeling discouraged here. No word bank? lol I decided to just guess and hope for the best. I remember writing in the word, “Balance”. This test felt like a science test at first but as I was reading through the questions it resembled a psychology test.

Dream: Adjusting Time

The dream shifted and I was inside a house with other people. The microwave clock was blinking and the time needed to be set. I went up to it and began to try and set the time but it was difficult and I kept having to start over. A man was there with me trying to help but I insisted on doing it myself, snapping at him to let me do it. I was very frustrated. The time I was trying to set the clock to was 3:44pm. Eventually I allowed the man to tell me how to set the clock and I was able to set the hour but then he took over and set the wrong time. It got set at 3:52. By this time I was apathetic about the whole thing and just accepted the time but I said to him, “Now the clock will be fast and everyone will be early.”

Dream:  Mental Hospital

The scene shifted and I was an officer of some kind.  A new person had just been brought in. It won’t say inmate here but that was the feeling. However, it appeared more like a mental hospital than a prison setting. The young woman had blonde hair and was dressed in a white hospital gown. She sat in front of me staring at the floor. My job was to help her. I had a very thick manual in front of me that I began to read through. The girl asked me a question about what would happen. I jokingly told her to expect a strip search and her face showed her horror. I reassured her there would be no such thing and instructed her to read her portion, an introduction of sorts describing what was wrong with her and why she was there. The manual was color coded and I was reading the green print but can’t remember what was written. I flipped through it and saw it was hundreds of pages long. The manual was a psychology manual for treatment of this woman’s specific condition.

resting-golden-retriever

Dream: New Dog

Somehow the dream brought me to a scene in which I was watching a golden retriever dog and listening to a man talk about taking the dog for a walk. The feeling here was that the dog was young and had lots of energy so needed frequent walks. I was given a short leash that was red and looked like a hoop with a clasp on the end. I remembered my dog Trooper at this time and told the man that I would need a longer leash if this dog was anything like mine was. I saw my dog’s blue leash hanging on the wall and pointed to it, telling the man it would be much better. He gave me the leash and I attached it to the dog’s collar. The dog had two, thick silver chain links on his collar and I clasped Trooper’s leash to the last link. When I did this I was overcome with memories of my dog and the runs we went on. I knew this new dog was going to run as fast or faster than my dog did and to expect to be dragged behind him for the first part of the “walk”.

The memories of my dog were too much and I began to sob uncontrollably in the dream which woke me up immediately. When I woke up I could not stop crying. It was not over sadness or missing my dog, though, it was about the message behind the dream. It took me almost 15 minutes to recover.

Confronting the Inevitable 

It became very clear to me that I was not grieving my beloved pet at this time. There was a message that was being repeated over and over. The message came as an analogy to the situation which led to my dog’s death.

I was told a year in advance that my dog would be leaving me. I ignored the message or maybe just forgot it or lost track of time.

I was warned in advance that this was coming, too.

The signs that he was deteriorating were numerous and I chose to ignore them. A week prior to his death I had chosen to not take him to the vet. I was in denial and didn’t want the vet to confirm what I knew was happening. He was dying.

Similarly, the signs have been there that “death” is coming whether I want it to or not. Many times I could have done something about it and I didn’t.

The day of his death I was in a panic and unable to think. He was suffering and I didn’t want to do what had to be done. It was awful. I was alone and my husband refused to come help me. I had to do it on my own and I didn’t want to.

I don’t want to do this, either. I am unable to make a decision but only I can make this decision. No one will do it for me.

When the vet told me he was dying and asked if I wanted to euthanize him, I agreed but I could not be in the room when it happened. I broke down in tears in the vet’s office and was a mess after that. I have never grieved over anyone like I did that dog. 

I suspect when the time comes that I will not want to be present to witness the end.

So as I was dealing with a similar, heavy grief this morning the connection hit home. I am being asked to do something similar in my life. To stop avoiding what I know needs to be done. To look at the signs which are right in my face.

One of the biggest regrets I have about those last days of my dog’s life are of letting him suffer. I was too selfish to do what needed to be done, to end his misery. Instead, I prolonged it. That is what apparently I am doing to myself right now. Prolonging the misery by not taking action and doing what needs to be done.

I am left now with this sense of being utterly and unbearably alone. I feel like I am dead already. I feel like what awaits me is another Dark Night of the Soul. I can’t do that again. I won’t follow bread crumbs to a dead end again even if the bread crumbs are really cookie crumbs. The disappointment would be too much for me. I am TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT!

And I really miss my dog Trooper right now.

Image source– Infinity, pi and square root all represent the continuous existence of thought.

 

 

 

 

 

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Camping Lessons and E.T. Dream Visitation

The full moon camping trip was a success despite not turning out exactly as I had planned. My entire family – husband and three kids – came along and made things very interesting. The different personalities combined to make things very chaotic at times. My daughter was especially dramatic, which isn’t new. I am not sure if it is a Taurus trait or not, but she has a hard time dealing with change of any kind.

Lessons learned:

Make a check-list beforehand. I packed everyone’s stuff into the car and forgot my own stuff -everything I needed for the ceremony, trip, etc. Thankfully the campsite was not far from our house.

Inflatable beds are a must-have.

Do NOT make your first meal after a three day, gluten-free, dairy-free, meat-free cleanse be hot dogs, beans and Fritos. Ha! BAD idea.

Dreams

I don’t know if it was the fact that I was sleeping in a tent or the energy of the full moon, or both, but I did not sleep very much. When I did sleep, I was awakened either by coyotes howling close by, dogs barking at the coyotes, or my middle son sleepwalking and jumping onto my air mattress. lol

When I did sleep I had really crazy dreams and messages from my guidance.

There was an entire dream sequence about my husband and an incident that never happened but in the dream I was convinced it had. In the dream he referenced a specific conversation we had in the past. He mentioned that he knew at that moment that I didn’t love him anymore. We had a long talk in the dream about this past conversation, his realizations and our relationship.

Then there was talk with my guidance about the talk I had with my husband in the dream. The message was clear that I needed to look more closely at my relationship. I had a very resistant feeling to what we were discussing.

As I was waking from this dream I saw a man-sized cockroach and said to my guides, “Really? Really? Please just let me sleep!”

In another dream I was with a group of people that resembled teenagers. They were all dressed in black and had piercings and tattoos. The females of the group, including me, were being prepared to be sent out for work. Plastic wrap was being inserted between the skin and the underwear. I inquired as to why this was and was told it was to protect the skin from contact. I remember thinking we were going to have sexual contact. I laughed about it but the other women were not laughing. Then there was focus on a couple who were always together. The sense was that they were pair bonded.

I was sent to an arena or stadium that was under construction and being rearranged. When I arrived I was told a step was missing and to be careful. I saw a huge hole where the step should have been and was told it was being turned into a walkway that would stretch right across the arena. I turned to see who it was who was telling me this and saw I was surrounded by E.T.s of a race I cannot identify because now in my memory their faces are a complete blur. All I recall is black and gray. I do remember they were wearing uniforms and there was a military feeling. My human mind wants to say they looked like they had on skeleton masks but I know that in reality they were not wearing masks. In the dream I was surprised at their appearance but was not afraid of them despite them being so close to me and completely surrounding me.

When I woke up from this dream it was suddenly and I felt strange. There was a feeling that I am being prepared to work with whoever it was in my dreams. My suspicion is that more E.T. contact is coming.