Sunday I went to the funeral of the man who set himself on fire in our old house. I didn’t really want to go but felt I should.
The funeral was nice and, as most funerals do, it focused on only the positive about the deceased. There was quite a bit of crying and sharing of stories. I managed okay by keeping a tight reign on my energy field so as to not over empathize. At one point, though, my guidance suggested I open up a bit. When I did, I felt the presence of Spirit to my left, felt the grief wash over me and heard a quiet, “Thank you.” I knew it was from the deceased and rather than become emotional like everyone else, I pulled my energy back but not before my eyes got teary.
At the end we went outside for the military honors portion which was a first for me. My mom and step-father were there so we all went out to eat dinner afterward. It was a very enjoyable dinner with lots of laughing and good conversation.
Since the funeral I have not felt the deceased around. I think he may have moved on, or at least away from me, but then I have been quite distracted so it could just be I am not noticing him because of that. It appears that there was a warning in the “fire” of the man’s passing, a warning of the Kundalini’s return. I have been having waves of the energy rushing through me, lighting up my third-eye, heart, solar plexus, throat, and root (almost all of my chakras). It got so intense that I gratefully immersed myself in my normal exercise routine to ground the energy.
When I woke this morning the energy was present again, only this time in my second chakra and crown.
All throughout I have been sensing a message of, “Slow down” and “Take it slow” from my guidance. Funny enough, as if to push the point, I had a wonderful encounter with a very large turtle in my back yard last night. We have a creek that runs along the border of our property. Just recently it flooded quite severely but the water receded as soon as the rain stopped. The turtle was likely seeking a reprieve from too much water, sunning himself near the water’s edge. Despite myself and my entire family getting very close, he refused to move. He looked like a large, moss covered rock, ancient and strong.
Along with the message of “slow down”, I have also been receiving warnings. Specifically I have heard, “Passion is a double edge sword.” With it comes a visual of walking on a tightrope. Don’t fall off the edge….
Another message came in the song, Borderline, by Madonna. Specifically, “You keep pushing my love over the borderline.”
Dreams
I’ve been sleeping deeply without too many dream memories upon waking. I recall one dream from last night where I was de-cluttering my daughter’s room. What is most memorable is her closet. She had been using it as a shower and so the clothing and furniture that was near it was becoming soaked. I went directly to it and began to move the items away. I found a huge bundle of belts (feeling conflict between what I think and what I feel). More than any person could ever wear. I was saying, “Why do you have so many belts? You don’t even wear belts.” I took them and separated out the majority for donation.
Inside her closet there were clothes on the floor. I picked up two coats (protection) and put them on hangers. They were her brother’s coats, not hers. Near the closet was a small nightstand with drawers. I had to move it across the room but there was not any space left. So I set it on top of her dresser. When I did this, the table morphed into a white tank or aquarium (emotions yet to be confronted, feeling of going in circles). Inside was a set up for a turtle or similar. The tank filled partially with water when I set it on the dresser.
Considerations
When I woke I was full of thoughts over how to reconcile the human and spiritual sides of myself. The two must be in balance and if they aren’t then problems or conflict will occur. What the spiritual desires the physical side may not yet be ready to embrace. The dream seemed to echo my thoughts, especially in the cluttered room and the multitude of belts.
Yesterday had a particular quality of energy to it that followed me throughout the day. Maybe it was the awful news from the day before reminding me that death comes to us all, but I could not shake the feeling that time was ticking away.
A memory of something I was told close to a decade ago came back to me. I was sitting on the porch of our old house. My guidance asked me, “If you only had 10 years left to live, what would you do differently?” After a brief consideration I answered, “Nothing.”
With this was a nagging memory of the dream from the night before indicating a 6 month time frame. It made the feeling of time ticking away that much stronger. I tried to think what year it was that the question above was asked. How old was my daughter? What events do I remember around that time? I can’t recall and my journals do not mention the question. That means it must have been between 2009-2010. That means the 10 years is fast approaching or maybe even already here.
I pushed the consideration that my “time is up” out of my head. Surely that question so many years ago was not literal? Then I thought to myself, “What if it is up?” And I thought, “I would be okay with that.” Then I wondered, “Would I change anything?” I laughed and told my guidance, “I would smoke every night…no wait, I would smoke pot. I miss smoking pot.” lol I recall my guidance asking, “What about living life? What about your family?” I was reminded that pot blurs things, pushes me into the trance state and leaves me foggy. Probably not a good way to spend my life, not really being here and enjoying my family.
Then I was sad because if I had that little time left then I likely was not going to connect with a person at the physical and spiritual level; experience and share that glorious Divine state with another. I heard my guidance say, “You never know what can happen in six months.”
My own mortality doesn’t bother me really. Death doesn’t scare me. I am more than ready to explore what lies beyond the physical. I do it already in my sleep and sometimes during the day. And I know these kinds of messages are often misinterpreted. Yet when I fully embrace the possibility that I have so little time left I do not want it to end. Weird, huh? It is probably exactly what my guidance intended me to realize. They often say to me, “You don’t want to die. You want to live.”
Dream: What If?
I met my physical counterpart only we were much younger – late teens, early twenties. We began a relationship but he was not at all as expected. When we made love he was very distant and I felt used during and discarded after. The connection between us that I knew was there was never present during those times. It was very physical and not at all spiritual or magical.
I kept making excuses for him – he must be tired, maybe he’s just feeling frustrated, next time will be better, etc. There was no way I was going to bring up my concerns to him because he might decide to break up with me or get angry.
Then there were the people he hung around with. They were shady and doing things that felt to be illegal. He took me with him to do something and dropped me at one of his friend’s houses to stay there until he was finished. The friend was a blonde lady who was older, a bit overweight and very rough around the edges. The house was nice with nice things and the woman was dressed well and wore lots of fine jewelry. She was not wanting for anything.
I remember sitting in my bedroom there thinking to myself and having a conversation with someone, a guide likely, about the situation I found myself in. The disconnected sex, the feeling of being used, the disappointment, the fear, etc. The woman came in at one point and told me that she had left some dishes – glasses specifically – out for me to put away. She told me, “If you are going to stay here then you are going to pitch in.” The request felt more like a threat and I told her I was sorry and would get around to it, but lingered talking to my guide a bit longer.
I recall considering that I may had projected the love and connection I desired onto my boyfriend. It was an expectation he could not meet and so the disconnect grew between us. The feelings I experienced at this point were disappointment at myself and a kind of resignation or surrender.
I went into the kitchen to put away the glasses (transcendence). They were set out on the counter. I noticed how nice the kitchen was. It had a section just for making coffee (awareness), espresso and cappuccino – every kind of coffee imaginable. I opened the cabinet to put away the glasses and noticed there were small circular raised spots the perfectly fit them. I knew to place a glass on each circle.
Dream: Silver Dollar
Then I was walking into a room full of people who were sitting at a massive oval table. There were more than I could count and they recognized me as I entered. The gathering was of people with spiritual abilities of all kinds. They were just like me.
A woman pulled out a seat for me and greeted me, asking me where I had been. The dream I had just left felt so real to me and I was confused for a bit. She asked about my physical counterpart and a memory came to me of being with him at the pool. I recalled it had been August and we had been dating since mid-summer. That was the first time we ever got intimate and the memory of the experience was so raw and devoid of connection that I withdrew from it. I immediately made an excuse for him in my mind.
At this point in the dream I was feeling really guilty for my behavior and avoidance of the truth. The woman began to distract me with coins. She laid them out before me. I remember she had some rare ones, silver dollars (strong spiritual abilities) that were larger than a dinner dish. I pointed out how rare they were and she said she had more. She took me to her room and opened a chest. Inside were more. I remember she was excited that they might be worth something. She said she had access to as many as she wanted from the church.
Dream: Ukraine
The next thing I recall is visiting a farm in the middle of nowhere. It was beautiful country and the house was small and quaint. It had a very foreign feel to it yet at the same time I felt at home there.
I was still young, probably around 18 years old, and visiting the family for an unknown reason. The couple who lived there showed me various aspects of farm life. I mostly remember seeing several large dogs (protection, fidelity) who were about to have their hair shaved and petting one.
The couple had several children of various ages. At one point were were all gathered together peeling various fruits and vegetables. I sat on the floor. There were two young men sitting above me at the table.
I sat peeling a Kiwi (period of growth and good fortune) and talking to a younger sibling about eating a banana. I recall seeing the mashed (suppressed) banana (playfulness) on the floor and looking at the Kiwi fruit in my hand. A conversation started between me and the boys. I asked their ages and the older one said his brother was 15 and he was 18. The brother at this point felt like my physical counterpart but it was like a passing thought I did not pay attention to.
As we talked another dream took form within the dream. Me and the older boy and his siblings were walking through a channel filled with water (emotion). The water was about waist high. There was tall grass on either side and overall I felt curious like a child. As we walked we encountered a group of gypsies (time to awaken spiritual abilities). The boy indicated to keep going so we did, only one gypsy intercepted us and the dream faded out.
I was back talking to the older boy. His appearance was clearer and I grew more lucid. He had black hair and brown eyes and was very attractive and I could feel an intensity of interest from him. I thought to myself, “He is interested in me.” He said something to me and I saw the entire dream sequence above again, only this time in reverse. Then it played over again only this time the gypsies did not intercept us and we continued on our way.
My awareness went back to the house and I was staring at the boy. He looked at me very seriously and asked me, “Why did you really come here? Was it just to pick out a dog? Or did you intend to choose a (husband maybe – I can’t recall the word he used now)”.
When he said this my lucidity peaked even more and it was as if he and I were face to face. I suddenly knew I was in the Ukraine, which made no sense. As we stared into each other’s eyes a beautiful energy enveloped me and I could feel the connection between us. I remember thinking, “I know you” but before I could continue the energy woke me.
I lay in bed for a while with the bliss, snuggling into it as much as I could before it inevitably passed. I did not want to wake up.
A song was going through my mind – “I will remember you. Will you remember me. Don’t let your life, pass you by. Weep not for the memories.”
Considerations
It is rare that I have dreams where I feel like I just lived an entire life. That was what the first one felt like. It felt real. It felt like I lived it. Had I not entered into the second dream and talked about the first one, I likely would have continued to think it was not a dream.
At first it feels like the dream is about my physical counterpart, but after a while it seems more similar to how I am with men in relationships, at least the emotions are. If I am unhappy early on I do not voice it. I make excuses for them and think their faults will magically disappear down the road. I want it to work out so bad that I ignore the bad and put up with things I otherwise would not just to make the relationship work.
The table with the circle seems to be me connecting with others like me, those who are working to help humanity, using their spiritual abilities and awareness, etc. The message seems to be that I need to tap into my abilities.
The last dream is the most odd. I do not understand it really but the feeling of connection was there and the bliss was beautiful. Again, it was very vivid, like I had actually visited the country of Ukraine.
The song seems to say, “Don’t linger on the past. Enjoy the present. You are alive!” It feels like I am being reminded that life is a gift, so I need to live it.
Interestingly, I had this thought on my own on Saturday when I decided to let my son pick his birthday activities. I decided to stop worrying over future what if’s – money, retirement, health – and focus on the present. How can I make the present better for me and my family? Do things that we all enjoy regardless of the present cost (money-wise) or potential for it to drain our savings (future consideration). Live life for today.
We will be going on a family vacation to South Padre again in May. In between I hope to just be less restrictive overall. There is no point in holding back today when there may not be a tomorrow. This is what I think my guides mean when they say, “You are ALIVE.”
Also, another sync – when I checked my gmail this morning there was a question on Quora listed – What makes a person remember you?” I still had the song above on my mind. Ha!
Yesterday was my son’s 5th birthday. Though we already celebrated last weekend, I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday. He said he wanted to eat cupcakes and after I provided him with ideas said he wanted to go to the “jump-o-line” place. So, that is what we did.
We had a great time but afterwards my children got hungry so we stopped to get some food. In the car my husband noticed my mom had left him a voicemail so he put it on speaker phone and played the message.
We thought it would be a “happy birthday” message. It wasn’t.
She told us that the husband of the couple who had purchased our old house had locked himself in the master bedroom closet and set himself on fire.
He had PTSD. My mom said he had “episodes” in the past, but I am not sure what the others entailed. His wife was a counselor so managed the best she could. Unfortunately, she could not handle him.
My daughter immediately burst into tears. She was inconsolable for about 15 minutes.
My heart sank. I could not believe what I heard.
The rest of the evening was colored by the news. My husband drove out to our place to take a look. The wife of the couple was in a hotel with their dogs. In shock. So, he was able to look at the damage. The entire upstairs (an add-on we completed in early 2011) that included the master bedroom, closet, master bath and a second bedroom, was destroyed. The roof above the closet where he had set himself on fire had a gaping hole in it. The severest damage was located there.
The downstairs was completely untouched.
I was at first upset about the house but that quickly shifted to being upset about the whole situation, especially the fact that he had felt so much pain that dousing himself with gasoline and setting himself on fire was preferable. I imagined the experience from his point of view and his wife’s.
His wife was present when he did it and likely had to listen to his screams until they stopped and then had to wait for the fire department listening to the silence, an ever-present reminder that her husband was dead, while watching her house burn in front of her.
I can’t even imagine the husband’s point of view. However, I contacted him in Spirit to check on him. His guides came forward first but then he did. He was beside himself with upset over what he had done. He is worried about his wife and the devastation he caused. He kept saying, “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”
He is lingering at the house where he died. He will likely stay there a while, watching his wife and going through the healing he was never able to complete while in his body.
I don’t know whether she will rebuild. It she does I can’t imagine she will still live there, sleeping in the master bedroom next to the closet where her husband killed himself. Could you do that? I couldn’t.
If she decides to rebuild and sell she has to disclose that someone died there. I don’t know how successful she will be at selling the place.
It’s all very sad and I can’t shake the feeling that I knew it was going to happen because…I did, just not like it did.
When I use to live there I had visions of the house catching on fire, specifically the upstairs. I could never figure out why.
I had a dream last summer about a fire. I called my mom to check on her because in the dream it was her house on fire. I told her about my dream but then nothing happened so I let it go. I am thinking now it was a warning, just came out in the dream as my childhood home.
When the couple bought our house I told my husband, “They will only last about four years.” I thought they would divorce and sell the house. They almost did – last summer (around the time of my dream!) but then reconciled. Turns out the split happened anyway. 4.5 years after they bought our home.
It is almost like it was fated that they be apart one way or the other.
It is unsettling. I feel unsettled.
In the last month I have lost three people I knew in this life. None I was very close to but they were close enough to have an effect. The first was my coworker. Cancer. The second was someone I knew for many years. Cancer. And now this.
Three people in a month. WTF?
It took me a while to fall asleep last night as you can image. My guidance warned me, “Don’t over empathize.” I tried not to. At first I did and it was causing me to experience quite a bit of upset. So, I focused on the good parts of the day, my son and my family. It worked.
Dream: Six Month Stay
The dream begins in a house (Self). The coloring I recall the most is of gold, yellow and white (spiritual). Everything feels new and unfamiliar. I am a bit nervous because I have just moved in (could be indicating new chapter in life).
The members of the group I am living with vary in age. In the kitchen I recall a woman who reminds me of someone at work. There are others but she is the only one I recall specifically.
My best friend (aspect of self) from high school happens to live in the home, too. I remember discussing how I came to be there. Our benefactor/boss/father/teacher (not sure which for he felt like them all) was brought up frequently. It felt like he placed me and the others in the house. We had to sign a six month lease. I recall seeing my contract and signature and knowing the way it worked.
He (the benefactor) provided room and board, so food was rationed out. In the kitchen there were large bags of provisions that were to be split among the residents. I was told that I would get my share every month. I noticed one bag was full of rice but it shifted and looked more like hashbrowns (longing for Home). I told the lady I did not eat hashbrowns and would donate my portion. I told her I like potatoes whole (difficulties over short period of time) as well as lots of vegetables. I saw someone was preparing veggies and wondered if they had to buy their own. It felt like they did.
I was shown my room, which was located on the right after entering the hallway. My room was neat and nice but I remember sitting inside feeling homesick. I could not imagine living there for so long and began to get desperate to leave. I talked to my friend about it, saying I would prefer to go live at home. She reminded me of the six month lease I signed and I said, “I will pay the lease but live at home. I don’t want to stay here.” In my mind I was imagining the feel of home – safe, secure, warm and curled up in my bed.
Ultimately, I could not leave and had to go about my “work” which included going to class. Class consisted of sitting in a darkened room and staring up at screens. Questions would appear on the screen to be answered. There was another person in the room on my right, also in a chair. The other person was my friend. As the questions came up we had to answer almost like a quiz show, as if we were in competition, but we weren’t. Our answers would be scored and a score would show on the screen. One of my answers was incorrect and a voice from nowhere corrected me. Then the score showed and my grade was 76% while my friend’s was 90%.
My friend was stressing over being behind in her work. She had not been doing her assignments and I knew it was because she was dyslexic and had not told anymore. I asked if she wanted my help and she agreed.
Afterward we went back to our rooms but I could not remember where mine was. I went into a room I thought was mine but it was very different – messy, cramped and masculine. I left quickly trying not to be noticed and went to my friend’s room to help her with her assignment. I would read it aloud so she could get it done faster.
Then I went to another class with mostly male classmates. We sat in a circle in a library (wisdom, knowledge). I felt very out of place and my classmates were unfamiliar. I don’t recall a teacher. I listened as they spoke of spirits and I interrupted asking if they wanted to talk to them. Curious they listened and I told them of two who were there.
Considerations
When I woke the song that was on my mind yesterday was there again, only this time I heard, “Let’em say we’re crazy, what do they know?”
My guess is that part of the song is referring to the man who set himself on fire and how “crazy” it was. Or it could be something else…But the song is back.
My dream was very vivid, especially the longing for Home and the sense that I had to endure another six months in an unfamiliar place, learning lessons and doing my “work”. I don’t know if the time frame is significant or not yet. We’ll see I guess.
Overall, I can’t kick the feeling that something is “up”. The saying, “Change is in the air” feels applicable. I am still very bothered by what happened in my old house and can’t get it out of my mind. It is difficult not to think of this reality as harsh and unforgiving when things like that happen. But mostly I am sad because he could have been helped and now all that is left is the pain of his sudden passing and the devastation it is causing to his family and loved ones. His poor mother. His poor wife. 😦
There was a river flooding but it was contained in a channel. I watched as workers sifted through the sludge. I was asking questions about the process. They called it “rafting” I think and I did not understand the word as I had never heard of it. It seemed the process consisted of taking an object across the water’s surface to clean it.
The water was choppy and rough. The color was brownish like sludge. Yet it was contained and no one seemed concerned about it.
A young woman was with me. She was Steve Irwin’s daughter. We were talking about her Dad’s death and how she wished she had known him better. I don’t remember the specific words now but at some point I empathized so much with her that I began to feel her grief. Tears poured out of my eyes. I could feel them on my physical body’s cheeks but this did not wake me. At the same time I remember holding a large, white pillow in my arms and squeezing it close to me for comfort.
At this point I became lucid. I had awareness of myself within the dream, my physical body and of being in the in-between. A conversation was taking place between myself and a guide about a decision I had made the night before about putting my children first no matter what.
The dream consisted of me watching video footage I had taken of my father when he was alive (I never did this in real life). I was playing it for my sister and explaining what it was. There was footage of him in San Francisco. There was also a movie I recorded as a reminder of him. There was more footage of various times near the ocean. I saw three large fish, like dolphins, walking on their tail fins toward the water. It was the oddest sight to see them walking and holding fins as if human.
As the video footage ended I remember thinking, “I should have taken more video.” Yet I knew no amount of video would have been enough.
While reviewing the video I was being asked probing questions about my decision to put my children first, even over my own wants/desires. The guide was asking me why I decided this. I told him I wanted their memories of their childhood to be good ones, for them to remember their parents as a team. I had resolved to just agree with my husband even when I did not if it was in front of the children. I had decided to give them as much of what they wanted as I could. I had decided that my desires lately have been selfish and to put them aside for my children. My guidance asked how well I thought I would provide all this for my children if I was unhappy. I told him, “Leave me alone.” lol
This brought me to full awareness. I opened my still wet eyes and wondered about the dream. The newness of my tears confused me because it seemed like much time had passed since I cried in my dream.
I fell into the in-between after that.
Messages
There is memory of being asked what I wanted. I remember telling my guidance what I have told them countless times. They asked me to reconsider reaching out to my physical counterpart. I told them I would not and to stop pushing me as I wondered why he was coming into my thoughts again after such a long time. I knew he had been “calling” me for the past few months. I remember wondering “why” again about the whole experience regarding him and feeling very discouraged.
That is when I received a vision of a hand-written letter. It was folded horizontally in half. I knew it was a thank you letter. I opened it and read it:
It’s been a difficult experience working with the team.
Thank you.
This was unexpected and brought me out of my reverie. I opened my eyes, reminded myself of what I said to remember it, and then closed my eyes again.
Then I heard:
You will experience unexpected love in three days.
I opened my eyes again, repeated it to myself and then closed my eyes. I tried not to think of what the message could mean.
Immediately I saw myself sitting in a wooden chair in the middle of an empty room. Ropes bound me to the chair. I watched as a pile of pillows was stacked around me like a barricade. I remember thinking, “I am bound but protected.”
Then I heard myself talking to a man wearing a sweatshirt, his face hidden by the hood. I was speaking in another language. I recall saying the word “diventar”. I opened my eyes immediately because it was so audible. I thought to my guidance, “Enough! I’m tired.” But after that I could not return to sleep. All the messages were cycling round and round my mind.
I Googled the word I said: Diventar – Italian, “to become”.
Considerations and Interpretation
I am mostly writing all this down to document it. It does me no good to try and analyze it all.
The dream is an odd one. I do not know why I dreamed of Steve Irwin of all people. Perhaps he was symbolic of my experience with my own father? Or maybe he represents my husband as a father to our children? Either way I felt loss and the dream later shifted to me trying to capture memories of my own father, but the memories were dream memories.
The flooded river of murky water being sifted through is most definitely me looking at and sifting through my muddy emotions. These emotions are contained and present no threat, but must me sifted through to find clarity.
The dolphin family was very unexpected. Dolphins can represent many different things but in this context it likely represents expression of emotion and spiritual guidance. It can also indicate future experiences containing joy and connection with others.
The whole experience of being in three places at once and having awareness of all three was a new one, but it did not feel out of the ordinary. My guidance was trying to get me to reconsider giving up things I desire/want for myself to create what I consider an ideal scene for my children.
I suppose the question remains: What would make my children most happy? A happy me? Or a me giving them a pretense of family happiness and togetherness? I look at my own childhood, broken by a bitter divorce when I was 8 years old, and I think, “I never want my children to go through that.” Sadly, I never got a mom and dad who loved and supported each other. I got fights, bitter arguments and parents who used me and my sisters to get back at each other.
The thank you message was nice, I suppose, but it didn’t help me feel better. Seeing myself bound to a chair surrounded by pillows was not very encouraging either.
Pillow can represent support. The pile of pillows around me was so high I could not see over it if I tried. So many pillows could mean a lack of awareness or that I am surrounding myself with comfort.
Being bound is more literal. I am bound to a situation. The chair represents the situation. It was not a comfortable chair, so not a comfortable situation.
Diventar likely is just an indication that I am becoming something; transformation.
Another full night of dreams. No Kundalini, but that is not unusual. It is rare to have in consecutive nights, but it has happened.
My guidance has remained close, however, which is nice especially after such a long time of feeling disconnected from them.
Dream: Medical Intern
This dream began in a car. My husband was driving erratically, not paying attention to the road but instead looking at the scenery as it passed by. When I looked at the scenery I saw tall mountains that looked to have circular shapes in a line at the top. It was almost like the mountains had eyes.
My husband began to drift into the oncoming lane of traffic. I alerted him but he didn’t respond right away. A large truck pulling a trailer was coming toward us. My husband veered around him at the last minute, running slightly into the ditch and then back onto the road.
He continued to drive very fast and ignored the construction signs as the road abruptly shifted from paved to dirt. He slammed on the brakes as I screamed at him to stop.
We found ourselves sitting in the middle of a dirt road that was the replacement for the old asphalt road. I said, “Didn’t you see the signs?” He had not.
A man and his family of five kids came toward us commenting on also not seeing the construction signs. They arrived on bicycles which were parked in a line at the edge of paved road. The man had with him an incubator and a small baby. When I looked inside the incubator there were two fetus’ in various stages of development. One had a placenta attached to it. The man out his finger to his lips and said, “Shhh” and slowly took them away as he held another baby in his arms.
I watched as he walked into a hospital. The construction site was gone.
Then I was an medical intern alongside other interns. I wore a white coat and felt very nervous. A doctor took me to a waiting room to meet a patient who had strep throat. All I had learned vanished from memory and I began to jabber about unrelated things. The patient was an older lady and just sat listening, confused. The doctor interrupted, apologized and led me out.
I remember knowing I wasn’t in trouble as it was my first time with a patient.
Then I seemed to shift into another version of myself, also an intern. I remember my name was Michelle. The same doctor came up to me and took me from the group of interns I was with. She announced that my specific skill set was needed with a patient who had female reproductive problems. I felt very honored and watched as the other interns faces showed their jealousy.
In the room a chart was given to me and another intern, a black male with glasses, greeted me. I remember thinking, “Focus on the chart” as I looked at the woman’s family history. A doctor asked me, “Why would there be so many adoptions in the family?”. I noticed the family had a history of congenital defects resulting in deformed hands. At the top of the page were notes about the children adopted. I told the doctor, “To avoid passing on the defects”. I also noticed each of the adopted children attended college.
The doctor invited me to assist with the operation. This was a huge honor and I accepted. The other intern would also be assisting. I recall thinking, “I wonder if he has anyone to share this news with?” In my mind I thought of texting the good news but had no one to text. I remember thinking, “I have no one to share this with.”
As we walked back to the lobby I saw a phone sitting on a black coat. The phone had a piece of paper on top that suddenly burst into flames. No one else saw it so I went and used the coat to put out the fire. A doctor told someone to hit the alarm and said to me, “Looks like we will have to delay surgery until tomorrow. It is 3pm anyway. Why don’t you and the rest of the interns call it a day.”
I didn’t understand all the fuss. I had put out the fire and the threat was gone. All that remained was a nasty smell.
Interpretation
My feeling about the dream is that I was discussing my husband/marriage. He is “driving erratically” which to me means he is unpredictable. It could also be a reflection of my real-life nervousness when he drives. He doesn’t see the construction signs, meaning he is ignoring “the signs” of something. We end up in construction zone which is the progress being made on something. In this case the road is ready to be paved, so foundations for something has been laid. The family on bicycles could represent all the independent paths of family members. The incubator with babies represents new birth/growth that is being tended to and protected.
The whole intern part of dream seems to be pointing to two different versions of me. One is new and feels unprepared. The other is also new but much more successful and confident. The unprepared one is tending to “strep throat” which could represent the throat chakra and struggling to communicate. The second me is skilled in working with the female reproductive system (second chakra) and issues that result.
The chart of the woman is interesting. The family had genetic issues causing deformed hands. Hands represent creative potential and ability to express ones self. The adoptive children could be new potential, a transitional period or taking responsibility for something.
The thoughts about texting seem to be a bleed over of thoughts I have had regarding my Kundalini and spiritual experiences lately. I feel isolated and alone with no one to talk to or share with who understands.
Finally, there is the phone with paper that bursts into flames. Phones are communication. Paper can mean a message, or plans made, or even a choice. The paper bursts into flames, meaning whatever choice/plans/message is on it is combustible and linked to communication in some way. I put the flames out with a black coat. Coats are protection, black is the unknown or something hidden/repressed.
Afterward the surgery is delayed until the next day. My sense of this is that healing is needed but cannot be completed yet. Rest is needed first.
Messages
As I lingered in the in-between I got several messages. One came in a song I can’t recall now but the message was “It takes time”. I was also reminded of 2014 when Knowing hit me that I needed to put our house up for sale. A chain of events followed which shifted my life completely. My guidance said with this memory, “You will Know. Remember?” I was told to “follow my heart” as well as, “You are only as alone as you think you are.”
Finally, as I woke, a song was going through my head. The lyrics, “Nothing’s gonna stop us now” repeating.
Lots of strange dreams and surprise Kundalini activity to recount this morning.
Dream: Georgia Trail Run
I had a long dream where I traveled to Georgia to run a trail run with my husband. When we got there I recall standing on the trail and thinking of how close I was to someone I know. I had anxiety about running the race and as it grew darker I realized the start of the race happened whenever I decided to start. So, I decided to begin the race. Most of my memory of the race is of tall pines and a trail that was mostly dirt and rocks.
Then I was at the cabins – er trailers – where we were to stay. They were very narrow, just wide enough for a sleeping person. In between the trailers was a larger space with kitchen and wreck room. I stood inside talking with a man as we made noodle (longevity, desire for something in life) soup. I was very hungry after the race so ate quite a bit. He asked me about my friend who lived nearby and if I would contact him. I said, “No, probably not.” Inside I felt it a waste of my time, that he would likely not even respond if I did.
During the dream I remember seeing a highway in GA and talking to someone in more depth about my friend. Then I recall talking to my friend and him asking me not to give up. I saw his arms and hands in vivid detail and it woke me up.
Kundalini Dream: Zero Hour
In this dream I was in a classroom with a teacher and students. I was a “student teacher”. There is brief memory of not knowing if I was male or female, like a shifting from one into the other. This was a bit disorienting but also felt absolutely normal.
I was monitoring the students doing work and saw a girl motion to the corner. I turned and saw a boy motioning to the girl and knew they were cheating. I went over to the boy and asked him if he needed help. The corner he was in was very dark because the lights in the room were off. I noticed he was stuck on #4 and showed him he already answered it. Then asked if he needed light and he said yes. I asked the teacher, a brunette, to turn on the lights. She said she not to, that the light changed when the sun came out from behind the clouds. I saw this happen but still turned on the lights.
The students finished their work and then the teacher asked them to clean up. I felt I needed to assist and asked if I could clean up the Legos (ideas, creativity) scattered across the floor. She said I could but when I went to clean up the pile I had seen the room was spotless.
Then the teacher said to the class, “It’s zero hour (critical moment, moment of decision). You can leave.” The bell had not rung yet and I was surprised she let them go so early.
When the room was empty I lingered by a fireplace (could mean Kundalini) that suddenly appeared. I recall smoking a cigarette (surrender). The teacher had given me a box of tea (spiritual enlightenment) to examine. But “she” had shifted into a “he” and I felt a strange feeling, like I highly revered him. He asked me if I would like to try the tea. I took my cigarette and put it out on the edge of the fireplace. The tea box suggested the tea be taken with applesauce (growth, abundance) in it. I told him, “Yes, but I don’t think I want applesauce in my tea.” He agreed it was not palpable, saying, “That is okay”.
I then approached the teacher’s desk. He was hunched over paperwork he was grading, tests the kids had just taken. I kept my distance as I handed him the tea box. He looked at me and I saw he resembled someone I know only his nose was different. There was an intoxicating energy coming off him that made my chakras all light up in a blissful way. His effect on me was strange and I both resisted and desired it.
He said to me, “Have you found a boyfriend/partner yet?” I said, “No. I haven’t.” He nodded and said, “Good.” It felt like he wanted me to want to be with him and no one else. He then referred to my Light saying it was very obvious to those who could perceive it. I could feel my own energy/Light as he said this. It was like a fire, ebbing and flowing, exploding in bright, white light and then subsiding. At the same time I felt near my limit, as if I had been aroused but held back by a lover who was saying, “Not yet.” It was an impossible feeling. The teacher said to me with a smile, “You feel it, don’t you?” He also said multiple times, “You are ready.” Yet at the same time I felt there was timing involved that was very important.
The entire time it was very difficult to be in his presence. I felt humbled and small in his presence. I had great reverence for him. His power was potent and attractive, so much so that I felt unable to control my attraction and was sure it would be the end of me if he were to let me in. He felt like royalty – like a King – and I felt very obviously to be his Queen. I have never felt so magnetically drawn to anyone as I did to him.
Continued Communication
As the energy enveloped me I woke up and felt it continue to rise. A wall of anxiety formed between my solar plexus and heart. It stuck there for a while and as I noticed it and allowed it, it broke through in a sudden rush and I went immediately into a trance state with full-on hypnagogia and vibrations.
I stayed in the in-between with this teacher for a while. He no longer resembled my friend but began to look more like a Tibetan monk except he wore regular clothing. His nose was very wide and sometimes he wore a headdress that reminded me of a God or a King. I asked him if he was my friend and he said, “Yes. I am many.” I recognized he meant he was the Masculine.
He asked me if I was ready to work and I said I was. He told me many things but now all I have in my memory is a summary. I had been told today as a date previous to this and so was not surprised at his visit. He mentioned December and then May 20th. There is also memory of a visual of my future where I would leave my body and then return “changed”. I saw my body as separate and like clothing to be worn. I remember asking how to handle such a change, that people would see my body and expect what they have always gotten but that would not be possible anymore.
I was reminded of the few times when I have experienced what seemed like someone else taking over my vision. The experience always left me questioning. He responded to my memory with, “I will show you” and I became a bit nervous about what he might show me. My life? My future? The world’s future? I do not want to take on the pain of others. It is too overwhelming. He didn’t respond to my concerns, only that I would be allowed to see through his eyes.
At one point I saw this teacher very clearly. He was sitting on the edge of a huge boulder and looking directly at me. He looked kind and familiar. I asked him if this was how he always looked and he said it was just one of his many forms.
There was also much discussion about letting the K teach me. He said that the discomfort and longing was how it communicated to me where change was needed. It was aligning me, correcting imbalance.
There was so much more but sadly much is lost to me now. Whatever is to come, I know it will be transformative.
It seems the past month or so was another lifetime to me now. It is so odd how different I feel. I suppose it was like my guidance said to me – “Welcome back” – in that I must have fallen into the darkness of my shadow self for a while, or something like that. I really do not wish to return there but I understand the purpose behind it and know that to resist it is not in my best interest.
Only recently has my guidance been more communicative and close, lending me their support and wrapping me in energy hugs. Song messages are returning as is nightly reassurance. This morning the song Right Here Waiting was prominent.
Dreamtime is becoming more active now as well, which is nice. I feel incomplete without my dream adventures, even if they are normal dreams and nothing exceptional. My dreams connect me with a part of myself that can be hard to contact during my waking hours. It gives me a glimpse into another world, one much more interesting and exciting than the physical world.
Recently, when connecting to my guidance, I perceived the other world I enter when talking with them. I can’t see it with my physical eyes. It is only darkness behind my eyelids. Yet when I look with my psychic sight I can see so much, only it is not bright and colorful as it would be in the astral. It is all shadows and seemingly imagination. I wished to see behind closed eyes like I see when I am exploring the astral realms and asked if it was possible while awake and fully conscious of this physical world and body. I heard that it was. Conceiving of such a thing is difficult for me, but what an amazing gift it would be!
I was reminded that belief determines the limitations of human existence.
Lately I feel a heart expansion is on the horizon. When, I can’t say, but I sense it and have had the Knowing many times over the past month or so, even when visiting that shadow part of myself. Somehow the diving into the shadow was related to this next opening. There is also a thorough discussion of my concurrent attraction and fear of desire going on behind the scenes. I am being asked to observe and explore the reasons behind this phenomenon.
At present my best understanding is that I am fighting a belief that desire is inherently “evil” or “bad” because it causes one to do, say, think things that lead to upset in their lives. Yet my individual experiences so far have shown me another side to desire, one that allows a glimpse into Self and to an expansiveness beyond the limitations of this existence. There is such curiosity in me to explore this part of myself that when I feel desire taking over I fall immediately into this space and bask in – I want to say “glory” of it.
So there are two parts of me at “war”. One clings to safety and sameness. She resists the call of desire for fear of the change that she believes will result. Then there is the me who feels to be dying from too much sameness and security, hears the call of desire and wants desperately to lose herself to it.
At this point I don’t know which one is better or worse or if to categorize them is the right thing. My best guess is to somehow find a balance between them, but even that feels wrong. Really, what feels right is that this is a process that will sort itself on its own without me having to do anything in particular but allow and fully experiences both sides of the coin (of me).
It’s the path of no resistance, of allowance and surrender that I must take.
My life will reflect back at me my progress. (ouch that one hurt)
The first thought I have is of my marriage and how, no matter what I try, my husband refuses to budge and insists that the best place for us is together.
Then I see my job and how smoothly that is going because I came to a decision about what I wanted and allowed it to be given, even if it was not where my human mind consider would be a good fit for me. Tossed expectation completely and just waited for my intent to manifest however the Universe decided to give it. Trusting fully that it would be what was best for me.
So, it is suggested I do the same with my marriage/relationship path.
That means to continue to focus on what I want and allow the Universe to give it. This means tossing expectation and trusting the Universe to provide.
However, with my career path I exited that which was unwanted and waited in a space of nothingness until what I wanted was given. I’m not sure I can exit the unwanted so easily this time around. Yet an exit was provided with career. I expressed what was needed for an exit to the Universe and it was provided.
Yes, it took time, but it happened as I requested/intended. No, I didn’t do it consciously for the most part. Imagine what can happen if I do it consciously….
Time and belief are the obstacles. Time in that it seems never-ending yet at the same time to be ticking away. Belief in that inner “war” I mentioned above.
I still have so many questions regarding this process but if I did it regarding career then I guess I an do it in other areas, right?
Dream: Giant Rattlesnake
The dream began with me visiting an old school I use to work at. I wanted to see how things had changed. I walked through the halls and found stairs that were not there previously. These stairs connected the grade levels. I walked through the levels using the stairs and entered a 5th grade classroom where the students were being prepared for a test. I walked across the hall to another classroom. The students were not there yet and I looked around at their desks. The teacher then entered and we spoke. There was this general friendliness and acceptance of me from them which was refreshing.
The teacher talked to the students about the test and I gave them encouragement. There was a sense that these kids were extremely intelligent and being prepped for advanced levels. As they formed testing groups, I left via the back door.
The entire time I was talking to someone about what I was seeing. I never saw him, though.
Outside I walked around a courtyard that was greening up from Spring. As I walked across the grass something moved and I jumped. It was a large rattlesnake and it slithered quickly away. I turned and yelled, “Snake! Get all the kids inside!!” A man wearing a maintenance uniform went after the snake with a stick. The snake turned toward him to defend itself. As it turned it morphed into a monstrous thing that resembled a dragon mixed with an eel. It was bright green and long with a brown dorsal fin. It’s head was enormous and when it opened its mouth rows of sharp teeth were visible. Yet it only got as tall as a large dog. The man stabbed the creature in the head over and over again until it was dead.
I thanked the man and he smiled and told me, “You’re welcome. Just doing my job.”
We conversed for a while. He was the maintenance man for the school and had been 20 years on the job. I told him I use to work there and he might remember me. He said he did.
His appearance was not familiar to me. He was tall, with light hair and a nice smile. He looked to be in his mid-40’s or maybe 50’s. His waistline was widening with age and he was wearing a gray-blue uniform.
I remember sensing his energy and his interest in me. My reply to this was that he was too old for me. lol I don’t think he took it personally, though, it was like we conversed via our energy as well as with words.
Interpretation
Based upon some other dreams from the night, this dream is about my issues with desire (Kundalini) and wanting help handling what I consider something that can easily get out of control. Thus the rattlesnake turning into a crazy, monstrous eel-dragon creature. The other dreams from last indicate I am also afraid of having no desire, of feeling unable to contact the feeling and being numb. The Kundalini dream is connected to the teacher/counselor version of myself and the other dreams of fearing no desire are linked to my mother role.
I’m feeling more and more like myself again, which is a relief. Yesterday morning, in fact, I could barely contain the love and joy I felt just to be alive. It was refreshing and much needed.
Mondays and Tuesdays tend to be the better part of my week because I get to work from home while tending to my youngest. The days are mostly quiet and productive, my son is at his best because he gets one-on-one time with mommy, and I get some much needed me time (kinda). My mornings are slower and I can take my time, have my coffee, exercise or whatever. Work is a breeze and, though not enjoyable really, the repetition and lack of stress in my work is comforting in a way. It is just what I asked for and I continue to remind myself of just how blessed I am.
Speaking of work, I got a $1/ hour raise after only working there for 6 months. My husband and his brother both leaked to me that the boss wants me to take over the job of my late coworker, the one who recently passed from cancer. Though my husband pressed her to put me on salary, she told him not yet as she has a “plan” in mind to gradually ease me into the job so that I am more open to taking on the higher responsibility. She knows I am not keen on doing all the accounting my predecessor did and will likely turn down the promotion if offered (she is right). However, the promotion would entitle me to making nearly as much as I would have had I opted to stay in the education system but with all the pros I have mentioned in past posts (working from home the big one). Something to chew on….
Sadly, I continue to struggle with boredom, especially in the evening hours and I am not really motivated to do anything about it. Usually I would focus on spiritual practices but even these do not appeal to me right now. Surprisingly, I had some very in-depth and memorable dreams.
Dream: Time Change
The first part of the dream was spent talking with a man who felt to be my friend and associate/coworker. The discussion we were having was odd and is hard to recall now. I remember talking about an unexpected time change. The time change was like what happens during daylight savings only this time change was much more dramatic and caused by the position of the earth and the sun. The time change was causing much dis-ease because people’s bodies were not adjusting well. The change in time was so severe that to look up at the sun to judge what time it was would not work. I remember saying, “At noon the sun will not be right above our heads anymore.” The time change was around 8 hours and another four was anticipated.
The discussion then involved the planets. I explained to the man that we had to cycle through each planet to become whole. The description of how this worked was very detailed in the dream and at times it felt like the man was telling me, rather than me telling him. I mostly recall the visuals of this discussion. I saw the planets as if from above from a distance as they circled the sun. They were moving very fast so that their orbits were shown as blurs behind them. Each planet represented a part of the whole person somehow and eventually they would join to become whole. Every person contained all the planets within them.
It all made perfect sense in the dream but now I am confused by it, the visuals especially.
The next thing I recall I am helping others with preparation for the next time change of four hours. We were with a group of school children in a classroom helping the children prepare by getting them to rest. Someone said, “It’s 7:15pm” but outside the sun was high up in the sky.
Dream: Navigating Home
Then I was in a car. I was in the back seat laying down. The driver dropped off the person in the front passenger seat at a school. I recall being inside and walking toward the front office with several “students” who resembled kids I use to teach at the alternative school. Each of us was given paperwork and then seated at a desk. I watched as two male students began to fill out the forms. One was given a job straight away. The other sat and interviewed for a position. He was asked about his math scores and he said, “59.” The interviewer said, “Sorry. That won’t do.” The student begged him to reconsider and I thought about vouching for the boy by saying I was his counselor, but then reconsidered. It felt like if I did vouch for him that I would be taking on more than I could handle.
Then I was back in the back seat of the car. The driver said to me, “You’re the navigator now.” Feeling a little nervous, I got out my phone and began to try and get directions to my home. The driver asked, “Which way?” We were turning out of the parking lot and I said, “Right. We need to go right.” As he drove I continued to try to get the app to work but the address of “home” kept changing. I recall seeing odd addresses, one was in Fairbanks, AK.
I could see our path on the map on my phone. We were driving in the middle of a vast city. It felt like Dallas and I kept looking for I-35 but couldn’t find it anywhere. I kept tying in, “Home”, but the program was sending us to places I didn’t recognize as home. The path we drove seemed to go on and on into the unknown. It made me feel hopeless but the driver wasn’t concerned and just kept driving.
Dream: Church
The dream shifted and I was waiting in line with my mom and sister at a church. I was a bit confused at first because I didn’t know how I got there and didn’t understand why we had to wait in line. The church had all visitors get passes to come inside and it was a lengthy, time consuming process. I wondered, “Why don’t we just become members?”
An elder walked up to me and told me to come with him. He guided me into the main room. The ceiling was very high up with large beams across it strung with large chandeliers. There were rows and rows of pews with people sitting and talking quietly as they waited on the service to start. The man told me I was to join my mom and we looked for her. I spotted her across from us and pointed her out. She waved at us and I recall she looked very happy. The man nodded and then asked me to lay down on the pew to my right. I gladly did so and almost immediately fell asleep.
At this point the dream becomes semi-lucid as I slip in and out of sleep. I felt a heaviness as I struggled to wake up. Once when I did wake I saw the entire church was empty. I remembered the dream about the time change and planets. For some reason the dream triggered me and I began to cry. I felt so hopeless and homesick and tired. I remember hearing that I needed to rest and this upset me because I wanted to keep going.
I woke up with a few tears in my eyes thinking it unfair that I had to rest and heal yet again. It seems I am always resting and/or healing!
Dream: Kimberly
I fell back to sleep briefly. I became aware of being in my mom’s house standing in front of my sister’s old bedroom. The door was closed and I was told not to go inside but I needed something that was in there – a de-humidifier. I opened the door and saw it sitting by the bed. I also saw two dogs and noticed the carpets and entire room were wet. I closed the door before a dog got out but then decided to just go inside and get what I came for. When I did, the dogs jumped all over me. The carpet was moist and the entire room clean and somewhat damp. I realized my sister must have cleaned the room, carpets and all.
I let the dogs out despite feeling I shouldn’t. One of the dogs was a tall, standard poodle of a caramel color. The dog morphed into a little girl with caramel colored curls. She was very beautiful and about 8 years old. She stood in front of me looking a bit dazed, arms at her sides.
I remember wondering why this little girl was in my sister’s room and thinking my sister likely mistreated or neglected her. I asked her, “What is your name?” She said, “We don’t have names.” I said, “Sure you do! What is your name?” She said quietly, “Kimberly.” I said, “Hi Kimberly” and hugged her to me. I felt overwhelming compassion and love for her to the point of almost crying. For some reason I thought hugging her might be causing discomfort and asked, “Do you need to use the restroom?” She nodded and said, “I really need to pee.” I said, “The bathroom’s right there” and pointed. She turned and went toward it. I woke up.
Considerations
It feels like I was being given an explanation of what is going on now with Earth and ascension and with my individual path. Unfortunately, I can’t make much sense out of it. It certainly has to do with the sun and planets, but how I don’t know. That we have to go through all of the planets seems to indicate a time period. I want to say it has to do with an alignment of all the planets and this having to do with inner alignment somehow.
It is clear that I am experiencing a period of rest, healing and perceived delay. I feel unable to navigate home and there is a confusion as to where home even is. The last dream of the bedroom could be an aspect of self that is in a period of cleansing and not quite ready to open up yet. The little girl could be a representation of this aspect of self.
Overall, I feel the dreams are positive in that I at least have some kind of answer regarding what the hell is going on with me.
I know I’ve been more quiet than usual. Lots of upheaval going on, mostly within me but some without. Thus far I would say that 2019 is very similar to 2017, which was one of my worst years in this life to date. I don’t know how the rest of 2019 will pan out but I hope it gets better because I am really struggling.
After returning from Hawaii it took me a while to feel normal again. I struggled with depression and was an emotional roller coaster. Around the 17th of March things started to get a little better. My body was back to Texas time and I was waking, sleeping and eating on a normal schedule. This helped with my emotion somewhat but not completely. I was still experiencing down periods in the evening.
Two nights ago as I was settling down to sleep I heard my guidance say to me, “Welcome back.” I’m not sure exactly what they meant but I have felt not quite right for some time now, so it could be that they were acknowledging that I was balancing out. Then during sleep that night I experienced two awakenings which were odd in that I felt an uneasy sense of being sucked back into my body quite suddenly. Energetically I have felt it before and so it was not completely unfamiliar, but like the times before it was confusing and disorienting. It almost feels as if someone or something forces me back into my body or even like my energy replaced another energy, if that even makes sense.
Dream Mix
This morning I had a lucid dream which was nice since my dreams have been weird and hard to recall for some time now. I slept in almost until 9am, which is also unusual but was much needed I think.
The dream began with me aware of being curled up in blankets (protection). Some root chakra work was being done on me and I recall talking to my physical counterpart. An entire dream scene materialized out of our conversation. I saw him waking from a long sleep after being given leaves from a bush that had vines and berries on it. I remember he took a shower (cleansing and renewal) and I was with him, but beyond that my memory is a blur.
Then I became more lucid and immediately became aware of being in the passenger side of the car still curled up in blankets trying to sleep. The car lurched and I noticed my daughter was driving. I got up and asked her, “What are you doing? Why are we going this way?” We were heading down a three lane, divided highway toward an intersection (change, choice). I took over driving and slowed us down as we approached the intersection. There was a single, green light (message to “go ahead”) and a one way sign (only one option). A cop (protection) in an SUV flew through the intersection and stopped to monitor traffic. I turned left (use logic to make decision) into the one way traffic flow and then made u-turn. I was worried u-turns were not allowed so watched for the cop to follow. He never did.
I continued driving in the far right lane (intuition). I saw some shops set up along the road and knew I needed to move to the left. Before I could, though, I hit a wagon for one of the shops and pieces flew in all direction. One piece, a Lego (security, family, happiness), fell into my lap. I stopped and found myself with a group of kids at a field trip. My middle son was there playing with some kittens (female sexuality). He cradled one as he jumped onto a small, kid-sized train. I remember the teacher mentioning that one of the kittens had been killed by a Legos from the wagon I hit. I felt bad.
Then I was in an RV (responsibility, transition) with my mom. She was camped along a road in the middle of nowhere. She was wondering where everyone else was and I questioned her about whether or not she was in the right place. I saw a large sign on the ground, like for skydiving (leap of faith needed). I said, “It looks like people skydive here.” She said it was for a local bike shop. I saw bikes (skill and balance needed) everywhere, then, coming out of the hillside, welded together like a sculpture. It was bizarre!
Someone came by and told us to move further down the road. I could hear the other people in RVs and so urged my mom to move. We parked further down the road and my mom got out saying she had to transplant her garden (union of Divine and physical, balance). She began to do so and I watched as she seemed to plant sticks. I asked her what they were but I can’t recall now what she said they were. She said the soil was heavy because of iron (something weighing me down) deposits. I kicked some a bit and it was very thick and heavy.
Considerations
I woke up feeling very good. I’m not sure why I felt good because the dream was so odd overall, but to have any energetic sensations after such a long time without was a nice treat.
The dream with my counterpart was curious. This is the second night in a row I have recall him being in my dreams but could not remember specifics. He sent a message the night before last asking me not to give up on love.
Still, though, I do not feel completely mentally stable. I have been feeling very unsafe, which is really not logical yet remains as a background feeling and is probably the source of the panic/anxiety. Most of this feeling stems from my relationship with my husband. I wonder sometimes who he is. His behavior can be erratic and unpredictable and in Hawaii there was an incident the night before we left that was concerning. We slept in the same bed at our hotel, which we haven’t done in almost 5 years now, and it was fine until that night. I couldn’t escape his energy by going to another room and his energy felt very angry which made it hard for me to sleep. I maybe got 3 hours of sleep that night.
There is an understanding that this is karma playing out somehow and I have been getting the message to stand my ground and stay strong. There are times, though, that I feel near mental collapse. Something is definitely going on within me at many levels. I can’t figure it out and so I don’t even try. I just try to shut it all down and numb myself as best I can. It isn’t working very well, though.
I’m still overcoming jet lag. It is mostly manifesting as sleeping more and struggling in the mornings. Daylight savings has added to the problem.
Yesterday I was emotional for much of the day. Some things happened on the Hawaii trip which left me feeling a bit hollow inside. The panic episodes I endured along with the extreme exhaustion have taken a toll on me. It was hard for me to enjoy the vacation because always at the back of my mind was worry that I would be hit with terror or extreme exhaustion or both. Then there was the added strain of my unstable relationship and several incidents pertaining to that instability. Since arriving home I haven’t had any panic but the worry of it returning remains. So the emotion now, I think, is a release of all that I endured in the past week plus uncertainty about my future.
Prior to leaving for Hawaii I sensed that my time there would be important. How it was important is still unclear, though. Yesterday, there were several indicators that I was not alone. My guides surrounded me. I could sense them. And there were many messages indicating assistance would be coming. Throughout all this I was feeling very much like I was in a life that was not my own. Disconnected in a way, but not completely.
Dream: Llama’s Quilt
The dream began with me entering into a small doctor’s office for a check-up. I informed the short, male doctor that I took a pregnancy test and it showed positive but that I had also just started my period. The doctor, who had dark hair and wore spectacles, asked me to lay down on the examining table. He placed something resembling a magnifying glass into my vagina, handle side in, and then I sat in clear shallow water. Blood showed up in the water and he mentioned he could see it. I looked down and saw the circular end of the magnifying glass but it looked more like a teardrop and there was no glass insert. I began to suddenly feel very embarrassed but he acted like it was normal so I relaxed.
He then asked me to lay down. The water suddenly vanished and I was on the examining table again. He asked me to insert a tampon, which I did, and then he went under the table and examined me from underneath, asking me to move the tampon this way and that as he inspected me closely. The table was clear so he could see through it.
I remember thinking to myself, “Why did I get a male doctor when I knew I would be examined? I never do that.” I always go to female doctors.
He indicated that all was well and left the room.
A nurse entered the room and helped me to dress. This part of the dream is odd because as I laced my shoes the examining room vanished and I was standing next to a field of llamas. There were so many that they stood touching each other. The llamas each had a large flower on it. The flowers were of all colors. The llamas danced across the field in unison as I weaved pieces of what I was seeing into a huge patchwork quilt.
The entire time I was talking about the commute home with the nurse. She indicated that everyone was leaving and the examining room was very close to the exit which was good because we would be able to leave before the crowd. I worried about the commute being long. For some reason I thought I was in Temple. I said, “It takes me 45 minutes to get home but with traffic much longer. I think I will stay and have dinner and then leave after to beat the traffic. OR maybe I will take 2484 (another route). Do you know of that road?” The nurse indicated she didn’t and seemed in a hurry to leave. I knew she was waiting on me so I threaded the fabric through faster and faster. I could see the large quilt in front of me spanning the entire pasture. It seemed to be for my bed and I seemed to be in that bed.
As I looped the last bits of the llama fabric into the quilt I came to two large pillows. They felt heavy so I opened them up and inside I found all sorts of things – money, candy, magnets, and other oddities meant for children. I showed the nurse and said they would be perfect for my kids. I dumped out the contents of one pillowcase and inspected the contents. There were dozens of tiny round magnets about the size of a pea. Each magnet was in a connected pair. I worried my children would mistake them for candy. I replaced the contents and left the room.
Interpretation
The above dream is typical of the types of dreams I’ve been having lately. I often don’t even recall the details because they are so odd.
Llama’s are an unusual symbol and what stand out to me most in this dream.
The llama brings trust, faith, and hard work to your dreams. She reminds you have the ability to endure tough challenges. You do not have to worry so much, for worrying makes positive outcomes harder. You may feel burdened, but have faith in your strength and persevere to overcome all challenges. Source: dreamstop.com
Since the llamas were dancing and had blooming flowers on them, it suggests a message that I am loved and supported and need to release negative emotion.
Dreams of a quilt represent the random aspects of my personality and life experiences weaving together. I am sewing together fragmented pieces of my past experiences and future visions into a context that provides warmth for me at a soul level.
The first part of the dream indicates I am seeking healing. My particular concern is pregnancy (something new is being created) but have also started my period (release of tension and worry). The water indicates cleansing and release. The blood represents anxiety which is then confirmed when I become embarrassed and anxious about the doctor being male.
I’ve had other pregnancy dreams lately, some indicating I have a child with special needs and others of my bulging tummy. I don’t know what to make of them for the most part. I guess I am trying to create something new or mulling over new ideas.
As for the other symbols – magnets, money, candy, magnifying glass, the road to Temple, etc. – they just support the rest of the dream and I am not feeling the need to inspect them any closer. I’m just too tired to bother right now.
Living Life in Between 