Tag Archives: dreams

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More on my Human Design Research

I continue to read the book, The Definitive Book of Human Design, as well as do online research into HD. The following are some of the thoughts I’ve jotted down over the last week.

Uranus Opposition

I have been thinking of how I am currently experiencing my Uranus Opposition and what I read in HD about what that meant. It is a turning point taking a person from a focus on their South Node to a focus to their North Node. The North node is my purpose and focus for this lifetime. It is where I “shine”. The North Node is challenging but fulfilling. I believe mine is in the 9th House and in Scorpio. The South Node is about the past and what is comfortable and secure. I think mine is in my 3rd House in Taurus. 

In thinking of my North Node and what I was told in a recent astrological reading, I recalled my North Node indicated I would be most fulfilled working in the spiritual, traveling and/or meeting new people, transcending the material, diving deep and the transpersonal. It is clear to me that my South Node has been my focus for a while – my family, my safe place, karmic contracts, retreat. I was reminded of spiritual experiences I have documented in my blog, experiences that helped me Remember my purpose/mission here. I acknowledged that I did indeed Know my path.

I have also noticed that those things related to my South Node seem to be fading from my focus more and more. I have always been drawn back to my family land and my mother – my “safe space”. Lately, however, I am not feeling a draw to that at all. Instead I feel like walking away from it forever. Leaving it in the past where it belongs. It isn’t that I don’t love my mother or my family roots/land but that I no longer feel the weight of it, or its pull, upon me. I feel freed from obligation and responsibility, like I am finally letting go of my past and everything that had been weighing me down. 

I have never been one to hang onto material possessions. My past homes, land, and possessions were easily let go of as I moved on. Usually I sell most everything when I move. My thought is, “I can always buy another.” I am definitely not sentimental! I don’t attach to the things I buy. Cars are just cars. Homes are just homes. The memories are always with me. I don’t need things in order to Remember. Yet I obviously was holding onto what my family land and home represented – safety/security. My Mom represents that as well. She kept me safe as a child, so why wouldn’t I feel safe with her near? But with my recognition of this and now letting go of it, I can see the glue that held it all together. I am now recognizing that I am safe/secure no matter what. I don’t need a place or a person to feel that way. 

There was an analogy in the HD book I am reading about the Not-Self. The Not-Self is suppose to be the passenger in the car while the HS is the driver. The Not-Self is linked to the mind and the mental. In the 7-centered Being the Not-Self was the driver but now that we are 9-centered it has not realized that it cannot drive this vehicle; it isn’t capable. It must surrender to the HS and sit in the back seat and just enjoy the ride. 

I thought about how I have surrendered many times but it seems that every time I end up trying to drive the car. In thinking of this I laughed because I am reminded of being a child going on a family road trip sitting in the back seat asking, “Are we there yet?” Children are content to sit in the back enjoying to ride for a while, but the boredom sets in when the drive just goes and goes with the same scenery passing by. I can relate to this boredom. It is how I feel right now. I keep asking, “Are we there yet?” in hopes that I will get to go Home soon. My HS answers, giving me a time period for when the next interesting thing will come along, but it seems like “forever” to me. 

Projectors Need Support

Recently, in the in-between, I heard, “Time to be supported.” 

This reminded me of something I heard on a FB video post by a HD analyst. He said that Projectors need lots of support because they do not create their own energy and so often lack the motivation to continue on a path. Many find themselves struggling to finish college and stay financially stable unless they can find a benefactor, usually a Generator, to support them either financially or otherwise. I find this benefactor idea applicable to my situation. I had Generators all around me, pushing me to finish college when I no wasn’t motivated to do so. I had Generators pushing me to stick it out at work, too. I have also sought out support when I wanted to do something. If I couldn’t find that support I usually didn’t persevere. I find it very difficult to succeed in business-type ventures without a partner. I am aware that I need support. I have always been aware of this. 

My Family and HD

HD feels to explain so much. It fills in the gaps and allows me to better understand all of the information my guidance has provided throughout my lifetime.

I have been researching the charts of family members who have had the most influence over me. All are Generators or Manifesting Generators. Four so far are 2/4’s! My Mom, brother and both of my sons are 2/4’s. Since I am a 6/2, we share the 2 line (Hermit). 2 lines are fiercely honest. We call people out who are inauthentic. We have a strong inner Knowing. Trust is very important to us. Break our trust and it is very difficult to regain it. We are here to be blunt and need lots of alone time. The wisdom of a 2nd line is to recognize that letting someone else in makes life more beautiful and fulfilling. We need to let others in to see outside our little bubbles. We tend to carry with us memory of our origins so have a deep sense of Homesickness. 

My Mom, who has been the most influential in my life, has a chart that really compliments my own. It explains why we get along so well and are so connected. Not only does she have the same variable as me (mentioned in another blog post), but her undefined centers and defined centers compliment mine. I am almost all undefined or open. She is almost all defined. 

My definition is the same as both my sons. I am single-definition. 40-45% of the population is single-definition. This means I do not go around feeling like I need someone else to “complete” me. I am independent and okay being on my own. Energy flows naturally through us. We don’t need relationships and are just fine on our own. In romantic relationships I seek out only the very best partners (super picky). Just anyone wouldn’t do because why would I be with someone who isn’t the best when I am just fine on my own? And in relationships if the other restricts my freedom in any way I am happy to say “Bye!” and won’t look back. I choose to be with who I am with. The lesson of a single-definition is to accept that we do actually need others. 

My Mom and younger sister are triple-definition. I haven’t researched this yet but I have researched split-definition. My older sister is split-definition. The split-definition person feels they are missing their other half and is always seeking out someone to complete them. They can become highly co-dependent. When alone with their thoughts they are often “split” inside. One half says one thing, the other half questions it or says another thing. They never have a true sense of clarity because of this. My daughter is split-definition and I asked her if this describes her. She agreed that it did. 

The most revealing part of HD so far to me is how the undefined centers of our aura seek out others who have those centers defined. When we find them and they “click” perfectly in place like a puzzle piece, then we feel it. The more “clicks” the more they may impact us. This can explain soul connections and other similar connections. It can also explain why some people repel us.

My Defined Centers

I only have two defined centers – Throat and G-Center. I am grateful for this because of all the defined centers to have, the one that really counts (IMO) is the G Center.

G Center – Love, Identity and Direction. The Seat of the Higher Self (Magnetic Monopole). 57% of the population has a defined G Center. Note: The G Center is located in the center of the chest where we traditionally think the heart chakra is located. The Heart Center in HD is not in the center of the chest, but is associated with willpower (self-esteem), Ego and the material world.

Those with a defined G-Center have a consistent experience of Love and a fixed and reliable self-identity. They Know who they are! They are secure in their love for themselves and can love others without becoming dependent on them (yes!!!). They have a sense of their own correct mission and direction in life and naturally can point out new direction and love for others.

The downside – “Although their G Center is defined, succumbing to expectations imposed on them or conditioned by others, while rejecting their own direction and thereby denying themselves love, can lead them to experience such a sense of loss in their life that they give up on themselves altogether” (The Definitive Book of Human Design, p. 101). I, personally, can relate to this as I feel this IS and has happened to me. 😦

Throat Center – Communication and Manifestation, Metamorphosis and Transformation through interaction with the world. 72% of the population has a defined Throat Center.

The Throat Center transmutes and directs how information from all parts of the BodyGraph manifests in the world. “If the Throat is connected to the G Center, one speaks from personal identity and direction, from the higher self” (p. 55). If someone has a defined Throat connected to a defined motor (root, sacral, heart, solar plexus) they can always manifest but it doesn’t mean they always should. A Throat connected to a motor can create impulsiveness, talking too much or not enough, and the giving away of energy to every impulse. I, by the way, do not have this issue (I have no defined motor) but I still tend to talk too much at times. This is likely borrowed/conditioned from one of my many Generator family members who do this. lol

Driver/Passenger

Shifting Gears……the below dream supports the driver/passenger analogy as written in the book I am reading.

From page 21:

“In a human being, the Personality Crystal of Consciousness…..sits above your head…in the Head Center at the top of the BodyGraph. This Personality Crystal manifests what you identify with as your Self, of who you think you are, and is called the passenger or passenger consciousness. The Design Crystal of Consciousness…..is seated in the Anja Center….and manifests the biogenetics of your body, or the physicality of the form. It is referred to as the vehicle or form consciousness. The relationship between these two crystals is likened to a backseat passenger (Personality) who rides in a vehicle (Design) operated by a third party – the driver.”

As mentioned already, the driver is located in the G Center. It has two functions – 1. It holds everything together (the Personality Crystal and Design Crystal) in the illusion of separateness and 2. It connects us to our movement in time through space and guides us along our path (destiny) in life.

What I find fascinating is that from the beginning of my spiritual awakening the analogy of the car, driver and passenger has been numerous. I can’t count how many dreams and OBEs I’ve had using this analogy!

Dream: I Do It All

In this dream I was with a girlfriend. We went to the entrance of a large theater-like place. There was a line out one side and a booth with a man selling tickets. My friend turned around and went up to the booth, cutting in line but since the line was so far from the booth the ticket master didn’t notice. He gave her a ticket. I asked my friend what she was doing and she said, “Voting”, so I figured everyone was in line to vote. The place did not feel like a place to vote, though. 

I walked in front of the ticket booth also cutting in line. I looked at the person in line apologetically as the ticket master walked up to me. He was a very odd guy, though. He didn’t look like he belonged there. He was telling me how he did all sorts of things besides giving out tickets. I saw mental projections in a screen in my mind as he told me. I saw an image of him with drugs and my reaction was surprise. Then, out of the blue, he hugged me close to him. When he did this he said, “Don’t you know? I do it all.” With his words and hug came a swirl of images and memories. I knew all the memories and people in them and in that instant an energy came into and filled up the area at my solar plexus. It was like the ticket master and I became one. His energy swirled within me, expanding outward until it went past my body. The energy brought with it Knowing. I Remembered and responded to the man but I can’t recall my specific words. The Knowing was that all men, all experience, were One and I was One with them. We are all One.

Planning

As I woke the energy continued to swirl. It was a pleasant feeling, though not blissful, just pleasant, like I was feeling a part of myself long forgotten, a part connected and Knowing and without expectation. 

The man in the dream continued to speak to me for a while after. I shifted in and out of the in-between so some of what was said is lost now. It remains mostly as a Knowing. I do remember that he reminded me, “You are here to experience what you are Not.” With this came an understanding that my life at present is part of that experience of who I am Not. I Remembered Knowing this. How could I forget it? I remember asking if my entire life was going to be like this? It felt that once I had experienced enough of who I am Not, then I can settle into being who I AM. 

There was comfort in knowing my life at present is part of this “experiment” and not something “wrong”. I didn’t go off course. There is no reason to resist it or fight it. With this understanding I asked the man, “Please help me surrender. I am tired.” The exchange here was pure telepathy. Words can’t describe it but the summary of it, if I had to give it words, is that he is the Driver and I am the Passenger but We are a Team. As the Driver he would always take me to places I desired to go but he alone decides the route because only he has access to the map. 

There is memory of discussing where we are headed. I remember seeing a tiny, black box. In it was being stuffed something much bigger than the box, yet it still fit perfectly. There were other black boxes of various sizes all around, but the smaller one was the focus. The discussion during this visual was hidden behind it but I remember part of it was me describing what I would like to do next. I think I said the word, “Witch” but it was mixed with other words, all describing a spiritual path. The man asked me if I was certain as he stuffed the black box. This is when I became aware of the the discussion and knew he and I were planning together how I/We would make the transition away from experimentation/observation. 

In another vision from the in-between there is vivid memory of opening up a refrigerator door. It was a tiny fridge sitting on the floor. Inside it was empty but I could see clearly the icy interior. The man asked me, “What are you looking for in there?” This brought me out of my reverie and as the visual faded I wondered about what I thought I had put inside it. The only answer I received was that somehow the fridge represented a feeling. Security. Safety. Seeing the fridge was empty reminded me that there was no need to use it to preserve these things. They were already and always would be, mine, and no one could take them from me.

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Irruption Imminent

Strange title for my post, but it will make sense soon enough. When I wrote the title I was thinking, “Eruption”, like a volcano, but an altogether different word resulted. A word I had to look up because I needed to know WHY I wrote it.

Definition – a breaking or bursting in; a violent incursion or invasion.

Well, isn’t that significant in and of itself? Think about it.

High Emotion

For me, personally, it is an emotionally intense time right now. I have been experiencing high emotion for a while (all of 2020 actually) but now the emotion appears to be pointing me toward taking action in my life. At first it was saying, “Here. Look at this.” It didn’t ask me to do anything. It just asked me to observe. Now it appears to be saying, “Now that you have observed, what are you going to do about it?”

I have already written a bit about the emotion I am experiencing. My family life has been the main source ALL YEAR. It is no joke now, though, as the issues are on my front door step and knocking. There is no ignoring that! It is one thing to have a sister near death because of a hidden Meth addiction and another to discover your own husband has revealed a secret just as destructive!

BTW my sister is healed and well except that there is evidence that she is using again. But we all kinda knew that would happen.

Then there is this damned election. I have my views and have shared some of my frustration. As a 6/2, Self-Projected Projector, I see and Know so much of the bigger picture, but if I don’t wait to be invited to share my wisdom then what I say either goes unheard or is met with much worse. I become an easy target when I share without being invited and after a lifetime of being shunned, attacked, and made invisible because I did not follow my authority and wait, I am not going to even attempt to say anymore about where this is all headed. I think the premonitions and insight I have already revealed tell the story well enough – well to those who wanted to hear anyway.

Then there are incidents like this:

Dream: Paralyzed Girl

I am in a house with two very strong-willed woman. There is a knock on the door. When the door is opened there is a small child laying on a cot at the door. She is tied to the cot and uses her tiny arms to wheel herself around. She has sores on her body and is very thin and malnourished. Her legs are shriveled and deformed. The girl asked the women if they would take a moment to talk with her about God. The women laugh hysterically at the girl, mock her and slam the door in her face. 

I feel for the girl and so open the door. I lean down and talk with her, asking her if she needs help getting home. The girl, who is struggling with her wheeled cot, is grateful and lets me assist her over some difficult terrain. 

When I get her over the rocky soil I see she has a much more difficult road ahead. The path goes through a canyon that is riddled with more jagged rocks, a stream and more treacherous terrain. I pick the girl and her cot up and carry her home.

When we get to the end of the canyon there is a large door. I know it is the place she calls home but that it is a convent full of nuns who do not treat her well. Yet it is the only place she knows to be home and it is her safe place. I trigger a latch that swings open a small gate to access the door. The girl then points back to the path and says, “My cot!” Realizing we dropped it along the way I go back to retrieve it but I walk along the ridge. Looking down I see the girl swimming through the stream like a fish. She finds her cot and then cannot move using the cot as the wheels catch on the rocks.

I go down to help and she is grateful. She seems to have more strength and is a bit older. Yet she is still pale and malnourished. When I see her I ask her, “Can I?….” My intent is to give her healing. Maybe if I give her some of my energy it will help her? When I hug her close to me, she is so tiny in my arms. I feel her energy and take it into my own, willing my energy to fill her with strength. When I do this I am overwhelmed with grief at the unfairness of it all. My heart aches. The energy of the girl feels to become the energy of all who have ever been in her shoes. It is too much for me to bear. I begin to sob and wake up. 

When I wake up the tears continue and my heart aches, literally. There is an energetic heat in my chest. It is familiar. I have felt to take on all of humanity’s past hurt before. I think it was the Fall of 2016 when I has incidences similar to this. One was with Native Americans and the other with Autistic children. This time it seemed to be unwanted, neglected children.

I had to sit up and walk around a bit because the grief was so intense. Thankfully, it subsided quickly. These incidents always leave me feeling so small and insignificant. I want to help but feel unable to. There is nothing worse than having a purpose “to help” but not being able to help in the capacity that is needed.

After a short while the emotion returned and I grieved some more. The grief felt to have no specific origin. It just poured out of me. I sat up in bed and allowed the purge to run its course. 

And then like this:

Dream: Lacing Sandals 

I somehow drifted back to sleep. I was in my mom’s garage. She was asking me to go to the store for her and pick up some groceries (spiritual nourishment). She handed me a list. As I got into her car a man was there. He was very tall. He got into the back seat, his legs taking up the entire space. I said, “Are you going?” He just looked at me. Taking this as a “yes”, I left. I said something about driving in the dark and how it would be okay.

When we arrived at the store I went about my shopping and the man went off on his own. I encountered some people while shopping. Most were men who would watch me and sometimes follow me and touch me. I remember one man grabbed my wrist suddenly as if to pull me toward him in a sexual way. I said something to him warning him to not touch me and he let go. It felt like all the men in the store were after me for sex and I began to feel uneasy.

Then I am with an older gentleman sitting in seats as if watching a show but there is no screen or TV. He is asking me questions and I am holding the soles of two sandals (my foundations). I pick up tubing and begin to lace the left sandal. I have extra tubing that I cut off and then tie a knot to finish the sandal. I hold it up and admire my work. Then I pick up the right shoe and begin to lace it as well.

The man is asking me what I think of a dating a man who plays football. I remember replying to him, “I don’t know. I have never dated a man who liked football. I guess it wouldn’t matter, though.” I notice that the tubing I am using to lace the left sandal is becoming very thin, almost to the point where it could break. I continue to lace it, though, and tie it in a knot like the other shoe. As I am lacing and talking an energy is moving through me and my second chakra becomes highly active. I remember thinking in the moment the energy began to rise that I wouldn’t mind a male partner to have sex with. lol 

The tubing of the right shoe I am holding begins to interest me as the energy circulates. I recognize that the dream is covering a deeper, subconscious interaction. I am receiving an energetic adjustment of some kind. The adjustment is to the right portion of the pranic flow (Pingala). 

Question: Should I Burn the Bridge?

And finally, there is the feeling of just being FED UP! I am in that space where everything that I have ever disagreed with or felt to be bullied into needs to GO! All the things my husband bullied me into, guilted me into, manipulated me into, etc., I am questioning now. I wake up with it on my mind. This morning I woke thinking about what I told myself in a dream the other night, “Start something meaningful and sustainable.” I keep thinking, “What does that look like for me? What is it?” I have no idea. 

I’m not angry. No. It is a different feeling. Shocked is a better word I think. I was shocked to learn my sister was a Meth addict, but this shock is at myself and something I have allowed into my life that is directly opposed to my core Being! WTF!? And now I am so enmeshed in it that to untangle myself could in itself be traumatic.

The feeling has me wanting to make decisions that could lead to the burning of one or more bridges. My main struggle is that making a decision to burn a bridge is so final. I need to make sure I am doing it for the right reasons. I need to make sure I understand the consequences.

My spontaneity might win out, though.

A good example of how I feel……

I have a pattern in my life I fought for a long while, until I stopped. I use to job hop. I would stay in a job until I got bored, usually 6 months to a year – and then quit. I would quit because I would get this feeling like an itch almost. It said, “Get out. Get out. Get out.” If I ignored it, I would end up feeling penned in, trapped, and resentful.

This pattern of job hopping was fine when I was single but when I got married and had children it became stressful because of all the responsibilities I had as a provider. So I decided to stick out a job that I wanted to leave. I did it for 10 years! I was elated that I could do it at first. But then it became very, very obvious why I felt the way I did. Slowly it revealed itself. The job was toxic. The people were toxic. I couldn’t sleep. I was depressed. Miserable. Every cell of my Being was screaming to get out.

So, I finally did, and then, lol, the next job I was at only 5 months and the next only 1 year. But guess what? Neither ever became toxic.

I know now that job-hopping was a result of following my authority. The only reason I stayed at that toxic place is because all the people I knew (Generators) were staying in jobs for years and years. Happy. Satisfied. My husband encouraged me to stay. So did my Mom (both Manifesting Generators). I thought, “Something must be wrong with me.”

No, nothing was or is wrong with me.

So that itch is back but it feels to be everywhere now. My job feels itchy. My marriage feels itchy. Some of my family feels itchy (not my children).

The show Stranger Things comes to mind and that big, black, monster – Mind Flayer/Shadow Monster – with tendrils likes snakes eating up the Light in its attempt to turn everything Upside Down.

Upside Down. That is what my life feels like. Question is, do I act on this itch or do I wait until I can act without creating a scene of mass destruction….or is mass destruction even avoidable?

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OBE: What Did I Do Wrong?

Got almost no sleep last night. I made the mistake of checking the election progress and then was hit with an energy I can only describe as anticipatory. Who can sleep when they are feeling like that? It was like the energy of the entire US was filling up my chest area. My heart was literally buzzing and warm, my body full of energy. Ugh!

I have NEVER had trouble sleeping on election night.

At around 3am I just gave up. I sat propped up in my bed and started deep breathing. 4 count inhale, 4 count exhale. I tried to tell my body to relax, to sleep. I kept my mind on the counting. I asked my guidance to help me sleep.

The next thing I know I am in that space where I can exit my body.

OBE: What Did I DO Wrong?

The instant I knew I could exit, I did. Out of my body, clear and free, I flew downstairs. I mentally announced to the Universe my intent. I said, “What did I do wrong?” I’m not sure why I asked this question. It was not planned. The part of the question not stated was that I wanted to know where I messed up in life. It implies that I feel I have somehow gone off-track.

I saw my husband asleep in front of the TV. I went up to him and touched him to see if he would feel me. He moved a bit but didn’t wake.

I went out the back door, still intent on my question.

When I went through the door I was transported to another place. In front of me were two houses standing side-by-side. They resembled houses from a Dr. Seuss book. I flew inside one of the house’s windows. There were no rooms really. The space just opened up into stairs and ramps going up. I followed them through a very narrow passage for many floors and then exited out another window. Looking back the house looked to be balanced on a very tiny foundation. It was like the house was made of blocks from the game Jenga. Remove one and the whole thing would fall. Yet at the same time it was extremely stable.

For some reason I became very, very lucid all at once. It pulled me back toward my physical body where I lingered for a while. My heart was doing odd things and felt weird. I worried a little about it and knew I had to get fully back into my body to stabilize my heartrate. Once I did, I stayed in my body a bit but soon shifted OOB again. This time I exited straight out of my chest.

Once OOB I felt/Knew I should return to my body. Something wasn’t quite right. My heart wasn’t handling my exit well. I tried to get further away, knowing the closer I was the more my body would pull me back and the more I would notice the irregular heart rhythm, but felt it was ill advised. All I wanted was to be free of my body, but the answer was, “NO”. So, back I went.

Fear or Courage?

I had some odd dreams after that but woke frequently and didn’t get much sleep overall. The first thing I Knew upon waking was that part of the reason I am feeling so anticipatory about this election is because the results will be a big indicator of the future. Will the future path we choose as a nation be paved with fear or courage/strength? I, personally, am not afraid. I prefer to confront uncertainty and the unknown head-on. Unfortunately, many, many Americans are living, mostly unconsciously, in a perpetual fear-state. Decisions made out of fear lead to uncomfortable and often painful lessons. The very least of which results in a deep-seated feeling of dis-ease.

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Message: Down in a Blaze of Glory

So my daughter tells me her dreams every once in a while. She says that for a while now they have been upsetting, even violent. I told her I have heard others say the same thing. Most recently she says her dreams are about our family being in danger – our home was on fire, someone broke in, hostage situations, etc.

She has also told me she thinks she died in 9/11 when the World Trade Centers were bombed. She told me this several years ago but then again after the anniversary this year. I asked her why she thought this and she described a dream she has in which she was running for her life in the streets of a large city. The buildings towered over her, the sky was dark and debris was falling from it. There were hundreds of others running with her. I asked how she died. She said, “I was hit in the head by something that fell from the sky.” I asked her why she thought she died in 9/11 and she said, “The dreams are just so real. It feels like it really happened to me.”

My daughter has also described numerous experiences where she feels she cannot move but is wide awake (sleep paralysis) as well as obviously lucid dream states that she wakes herself up from.

When my daughter was young (2-4 years old) she would tell me about Spirit she saw. She pointed to someone once, describing what she saw. It was my recently deceased grandfather. She also saw our recently deceased neighbor outside her bedroom window, calling him “a one-armed man”. He had lost his arm in an accident when he was young but she had never seen him in real life to know that.

I find it interesting that my daughter is experiencing this now when for years she experienced nothing. I’ve been feeling strongly that this year is more than an upsetting, eye-opening year because of the events taking place around the world. I keep hearing/Knowing that this year is a pivotal one for those who are Spiritual Warriors. It is time to step into that role fully.

Up until now I can’t say I’ve had any violent or upsetting dreams. However, I tend to not be upset by dreams in general. After my daughter told me about her dreams I, of course, had a dream in which our home was being broken into and items stolen. I woke, hearing a loud “bang!” and went downstairs to check. I felt shaky but otherwise unconcerned.

Then, last night, I had another strange dream. It felt like I was witnessing an actual event. The event may have been in this timeline’s past or on another timeline altogether, or could be a future event. Then again it may not be an actual event at all. Yet it reminded me of when I was a child and how I would receive vivid images of events when they were told to me. Later in life I discovered these vivid images were me witnessing the event through the eyes/mind of the experiencer.

Below is the dream I had this morning. Prior to this I had woken briefly and before I fell back to sleep I heard a voice say, “Do not be afraid.”

Dream: Dawson Mass Murder

I was floating down a country road in an unfamiliar area. Someone was with me, giving me a tour of the area and describing the events that occurred there.

What I saw was a vast field of tall, dead grass. To the left of the field was a grove of deciduous trees. The road near the field was small and might have been made of dirt, but I am uncertain. The area felt to be located somewhere in the Northeastern US, but I was not informed of the “where”.

Then I was observing a scene unfold. A group of people were standing in the field. Someone was barking orders at them, but I can’t remember what they were being told to do. Whatever it was, the people were not doing it. I could hear one woman’s thoughts. She was adamant that no matter what she would stand her ground. She was responding to the threat of death by fire and repeating to herself, “I like fire. It feels good.” It was as if she was trying to convince herself that death by fire was pleasant and as a result she believed it.

Then there was a commotion and a rise in fear among the people gathered there. Out of nowhere a gush of fire was shot at each of them as if someone was using a blow torch. They each caught on fire and began to burn alive. The entire time the woman was smiling, enjoying the feeling until she collapsed on the ground next to her companions.

The scene shifted. I was still at the field but there was now a fence to the left and the area seemed groomed and less wild. In the exact location where the group had died stood a circle of tall, thin trees. I knew there was a tree for each of the victims. I noticed a person could walk into the circle and inside were places to sit. It felt like it was placed there to honor the fallen.

As I woke, I wondered what I had just witnessed. I heard, “Dawson” and felt like I had been witness to either a mass murder or suicide event.

Strange Sync

Upon waking I went downstairs to get my morning coffee. My husband is prone to play music loudly in the mornings (he is a morning person) and for some reason he had awakened with a particular song in his head. He asked me, “Have you ever seen the movie, Young Guns? My brother said it was his favorite when he was growing up.” I said, “Yes. I think that movie was lots of peoples’ favorite. It was very popular at the time.”

Before he was able to play a song I knew what song he was going to play. The lyrics, “down in a blaze of glory” came to mind along with a memory of my dream, the people all on fire standing together, dying together. Then the song was playing and I said to him, “It’s very interesting that you are playing that song this morning. I just had a dream….” I described the dream but my husband was upstairs in the shower, so never heard me.

After hearing the song, I can’t help but think that it is part of a bigger message – to “go down in a blaze of glory”, to stand firm in my truth no matter the threat to my own survival – or to be more specific, the Ego’s survival. And going “down” does not mean the end. It is transformation by fire, something I am already very familiar with; The Phoenix. Rebirth.

Considerations

A friend of mine recently relayed to me that she felt a breakthrough was on the horizon. I responded with, “I think we are all anticipating something right now. It is ‘in the air'”.

Though I am not having great spiritual breakthrough experiences like I’ve had in the past, there are still messages coming through. These messages indicate, like I said above, that the time we have been preparing for is here – NOW. The preparation has been thorough. We have now the tools needed to step into our role, whatever that role may be.

My question has been, “What is my role? Who am I?” The answer is coming in bits and pieces but I have now received the same message enough times to know that that role is well known by me (my HS) and the timing of it is crucial and pre-planned.

Yesterday I wrote of an opportunity to go to Costa Rica where I can effectively unburden myself, opening up a space within that can then be filled with the New. Upon further research I discovered that though Costa Rica is open to visitors from the US, the state of Texas is not permitted entry. Our Covid numbers are just too high.

I wasn’t really disappointed to discover this fact. I had an inkling that the opportunity was more symbolic of what it is I need to do right now.

As if to affirm my suspicions, I came across a blog post and video that basically reiterated my Knowing. The video stated that the time is Now, that the present and future are coming together and that “we have to completely redefine who we are” (@23:45).

The video title is, Set the Mother Free and the Soul comes Home. Now if that isn’t a sync, I don’t know what is! To state the obvious – I am being guided to unburden myself. The burden I feel is as a mother in this time on Earth.

Now the question is, “How do I do that?” I have no doubt that the answer will be provided to me. If not to go to Costa Rica for three months, then something else.

At 30:51 she asks, “What do I have to do to set you free?” The answer: “Speak the truth always. Shatter the spell, this pretending that she doesn’t exist and the soul isn’t important. Each and every one of you has the Mother imprisoned within you and that is your spark, that is your Divine spark that Spirit is asking you to discover, to rediscover again and to bring forth.”

So it starts with speaking the truth, even if it is painful, and then to allow that truth to guide you forward. I know, though, that this is not easy.

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Dream Message: Invictus

Slept a little better last night. This morning after I woke early I was disappointed to once again have no memory of dreamtime. It is difficult enough to have nothing going on during the day that is spiritual or interesting but then to have dreamtime snuffed out, too? Frustrating! 

Dreams

A mixture of dreams came after my request. I recall being inside a home that had a very cluttered back yard (subconscious). I was attempting to clean it up. A large, odd looking fence (barrier) had partially fallen down. The fence reminded me upon waking of a yellow (solar plexus) snake (kundalini) because it curved and was rounded and fat. Anyway, I went to prop it back up and the entire fence collapsed. Some people came to help but I decided to just leave the fence down because of the hassle of it. The people brought up potted plants and set them on various tables. The yard was more presentable after that.

Then I got news that my MIL had sent hundreds of bags of salt (rubbing salt into a wound) to her son, my husband. They were trying to put them outside and I would not allow it. I took them inside and found a room that looked to be unfinished but there were metal shelves in it. I pointed and said, “Put them there.” When I looked around the area I saw it was a large room with smaller rooms around the perimeter, all of them under construction (something in-process, unfinished). 

Then I was in another house that was spiritually themed. There were tapestries, paintings, pictures, rugs, etc. Some of the picture frames (adjustments to a situation) had no pictures in them (situations unknown), though, which was odd. The home belonged to my friend, Angela. She was having a party or gathering of some kind. I recall seeing her husband there, too.

The dream specifics are blurry now, though. What I remember was that I was being encouraged to stay and Angela was helping me in some way to deal with some issues. I remember walking around half-aware of my surroundings while people milled about. The energy was high and positive and it felt like part of Angela’s work. 

Then I remember Angela informing me that her husband was not “part” of her work. She was focused on the feminine and all the people there were women. I realized that without the masculine my healing work would be more difficult and I suddenly was not interested in being there. 

This is when another woman entered and invited me to come receive healing. The woman had long, dark hair and her energy was very wise. At first she was telling me how Angela’s issues were in her heart and I knew this and said “heart” at the same time she did. However, then she was talking to me directly and it was as if Angela and I were the same person, or at least very similar. She again mentioned my heart and I can’t recall what she did after (healing maybe?), but I remember feeling emotional. It seemed like the woman was giving me a reading, explaining why I was struggling so much. After there is memory of a time frame being mentioned – thousands of years – as if the issues with my heart spanned many, many lifetimes.

At the end the woman handed me a piece of paper. I glanced at it and there were about a dozen men’s names all at the bottom of the sheet of paper. I think the names were of men who could help me. I thanked her and asked her who she was. I saw in my mind a word that started with an “I” and had an oversized “V” in the middle. Though I can’t recall the rest of the word when I woke I thought of “Invictus” which means “unconquered”. 

Odd Vision

When I woke again I tried to remember the details of the dream but fell into the in-between where I saw a peculiar visual. I was peeling off my own skin. It was in huge, thick, layers and felt really good. It felt like picking off a scab that was ready to fall off. The layer of “skin” was about two inches thick, though! The area I was peeling if off of was the front of my calf, just above the ankle. I started at the knee and peeled it all the way down to the ankle. Weird!!

I think the skin peeling may be representative of me relieving myself of something I have “worn” for a long time like pretense, or perhaps my past mistakes and how they molded me into who I am or appear to be to others. The peeling off of the skin is likely healing and the process of removing the old to reveal the new. 

Costa Rica – Clear It to Fill It?

Perhaps the dreams and vision are result of my considerations about staying in Costa Rica for a while? 

After my SIL invited me to live in a two bedroom house near the one she is renting I have been contemplating the idea of a retreat for a while. Though I am not thrilled about the idea of not having a particular goal in mind, the thought of leaving behind the burdens and responsibilities of my life for a short time is appealing. I would essentially unburden myself for a while and the time may give me the opportunity to decide what I want to fill the resulting “space” with. 

I can stay up to 3 months for $400/mo which would pay for a furnished home and all utilities. I would only have to pay transportation and food/supplies. My husband already told me I can work remotely while there, too, and my pay would be more than enough to cover any expenses I have. My SIL does equine therapy for kids in the area, following her soul purpose (following her heart). She is easy to get along with and I like her (more than any of my husband’s family members). If I don’t want to be around my SIL, the two houses are far enough apart that I could easily avoid any unwanted interaction. 

The cons to going are that neither of us speaks much Spanish and there are few English speakers in the area. The nearest town requires a cab ride to get there and they require masks be worn in any shops/stores. The country requires anyone coming in to get insurance while they stay there. I wouldn’t know anyone but my SIL. I have no idea what I would do in my free time, no plans, no drive to do anything specific. My usual workout regime would have to end, replaced with cardio and bodyweight exercises if I wanted to continue to stay in shape. I wouldn’t see my children and phone service is limited (have to Facetime mostly). 

I have considered perhaps doing an Ayahuasca ceremony while there, but am not sure it is needed or a good idea. My SIL says there are many spiritual seekers who frequent the area, so a ceremony would be easy to find. 

In considering what is holding me back my main concerns are what I would do with my time while there. It would definitely be an unburdening of myself – of the burdens I carry here at home – which would result in a space within that I would need to fill. So my main worry is that I would not know who I am when all the burdens – distractions – are removed.

I have been sitting on the idea, trying to let my heart give me a thumbs up or down, but have yet to get an answer or feeling in response. At the moment my husband is preparing to leave and will likely be gone a month, so I have some time to decide. 

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OBE: Black Humvee

I woke at 4am and couldn’t return to sleep. Thoughts were on a recent repetitive message – “2 years” – and a dream where I stated that the end of the world would come on Sept 28, 2025. I was feeling depressed about my life, the lack of meaningful forward movement and had a feeling that time is running out.

OBE: Black Humvee 

Somehow I entered into an OBE. I knew instantly I was OOB. I was inside my grandparent’s underground (subconscious) home in the kitchen (seeking spiritual nourishment), a place I often find myself when OOB. I was facing the front door and decided to go outside. There was interaction taking place with someone but I don’t know who. It was like I was two people – the dreamer and the conscious explorer. 

As I approached the door I thought about how to become more lucid and so I was. When I went outside I tested my dream legs to see if I could fly. There was a strong pull down like gravity and I accepted this as the rules for the experience. 

Just outside the fence was parked a large, black (unknown, hidden) Humvee (hard work). I climbed inside via the passenger side and crawled to the driver’s seat. I knew it was owned by a man who was very strong and intimidating. My intent was to drive it so that this man knew. I was feeling mischievous. I turned the key to the ignition and it roared to life. Looking through the front windshield I saw how high up I was. I thought about driving over everything in front of me but changed my mind. The truck was way to big and I didn’t want to wreck it. I climbed out and went to explore.

Looking to the right of the house everything looked as it did in my memory except there were many young people milling about. Some were hovering in the air. This is when I realized I, too, was hovering and flying about. 

I observed the people. Some were in larger groups and others in pairs – couples. 

I flew past the people toward where the barn should be but instead found a construction site (work in progress). The fences had been remade into wood and were taller. Where the barn was stood a large house. I remember thinking how it would be nice to live there and wondering if I could buy the acre and home from my mother. 

Then my mother was there and she took me into the home. She asked me how I liked the church (spiritual healing, connection) they were building. I was surprised it was a church and knew then I couldn’t buy it as it was meant for many people, not just me and my family. 

Inside the church was made completely of wood that shown that yellowish color of new pine. It also smelled of pine (longevity, recovery). There were stairs and ramps heading up to a platform and behind that another area that my mother told me was where people would be baptized. The ceiling was very tall and the space quite big. I recall feeling peaceful.

Lucid Dream: Erika and Darius 

I came back to my body briefly and then returned but not to the church. Instead I was inside a garage (something is “parked”, lack of movement). My husband and MIL were near and I found a fabric grocery bag full of things on a shelf. It had opened, stale potato chips (loss of health, neglect of physical state) inside and I knew it was my MIL’s. Rather than toss the contents I took it to my husband and told him it was his mother’s and that I didn’t want to throw anything away because of how upset it would make her. The bag smelled of rotting food (decline), though.

My husband was tending to his mom and she was acting frantic and worried, which is normal for her. He was asking me if I would go with them somewhere, me driving a truck and him driving a car. I told him I wouldn’t – couldn’t – and he knew it. He didn’t argue with me, instead saying he would take the Prius (MIL’s car – soul journey) because his mother always kept it full of gas. There was discussion about how the car was having lots of issues and they were becoming more and more severe. The car would not last much longer. I was glad the car would be gone soon as it had been a major headache for me.

My husband handed his mom the grocery bag and she sifted through the contents, pulling out baby food (new nourishment) and exclaiming as if she was opening a present. She was super happy to have the baby food, pulling each container out and showing it to her son. That is when I saw the baby girl and knew the baby food was for this baby. I called the baby “Erika” and I recognized her. I had many feelings at this time. Mostly I felt upset that this baby was coming into the world to be the daughter of my SIL and BIL. I felt a connection to the girl. I didn’t like that I had worked so hard to make her the person she was only to have her come into a new life and forget me and everything we had accomplished together. I also didn’t like that she wouldn’t know me and would instead cling to her new family. 

Similarly, I saw how my MIL was being helped by this baby. She would have renewed purpose, which her life has been lacking for some time. My husband, too, would have purpose but in helping his mother who would struggle more and more with old age (the Prius represents MIL). 

Something about the scene took me back to my grandparent’s land (ancestry) and the young people gathered in groups and pairs. I floated there and watched them and a name came to mind – Darius. I went directly to him, then, shifting immediately into a new scene where I hovered in front of a 10 month old baby. He was chubby, black and super cute. When I saw him I was sad again. I knew him. He was family. There was Knowing that many were incarnating now and it upset me to think of so many loved ones purposefully coming to Earth now, at a very difficult time. There was a part of me that understood and accepted this and my connection to these new Beings but at the same time I was outraged at the injustice of it. It wasn’t fair that they would go through so much pain and hardship. I remember thinking of what was to come and shuddered.

I began to cry and purposefully pulled myself out of the dream scene and back to my body. The transition was smooth and without the typical bumpiness. 

Considerations

It feels like this lucid/OBE experience was meant to show me some things about myself and why I am responding to life the way I am now. There was a strong sense of being two people – the dreamer, or unconscious, version and the conscious version. I was able to see that the memory and Knowing I have as the conscious version is being interpreted and processed by the less conscious version. Thus, my responses in the dream were a mixture of calm, acceptance and outrage.

The Humvee is an interesting dream symbol. Trucks = work, so a Humvee would have a similar meaning but more in terms of the Collective and “war” since Humvees are traditionally used by the military. Black indicates the hidden or unknown, the subconscious or unconscious. So something about this work is unknown and maybe even a bit scary to me. There is a masculine feel to the Humvee as well, which I see as symbolic of what drives this “war” – the masculine and all it represents.

This is the second time now that I have associated my mother with a church. Perhaps I am reminding myself that the feminine should be honored at this time. I retreat to the feeling that comes with being inside the church. It brings me peace. And even though the church is “under construction” it already serves a purpose, indicating that once complete it will have much more of an impact on everyone.

Other Thoughts

Lately my mind has been on the future quite a bit. I can’t seem to shake the premonitions I had so many years ago when I first awakened and was flooded with visions and Knowing. One such vivid vision was of the White House on fire – bombed. I still see it so vividly. Also very vivid in my mind is seeing Fort Hood, Texas as a rubble field, also bombed.

I know that the future is not set in stone and for a long while I pushed aside my early visions as just a “potential” future, denying they could ever happen in my lifetime. Now I am not so sure. I keep having flashes of “what if’s”, which are not necessarily premonitions, but instead a mixture of what could be and my own fears or dread of them happening.

For example, I feel (and fear) that no matter who becomes President, the US economy is headed for a complete collapse. If this happens so many possibilities exist. The divide between the haves and have not’s is already widening. If it continues Civil War could result. Yet I have had previous visions also of the US being attacked by an outside force. What that force is – another country, a terrorist group, or just forces of Darkness in general, is unknown.

Despite all these worries, at my core I am exceptionally calm about it all. I have always been told by my guidance that I will be safe and need not worry about myself and my family. There is also a deep understanding I cannot put words to that indicate every.single.thing that is and will happen has a higher purpose.

About a month ago I actually wrote a post that I never posted about how everyone on Earth right now is being polarized. I opted not to post it because I know that it likely won’t make a difference in how people are reacting to what is transpiring in this world right now. And that is OK. The only person I have any control over is myself and I choose to NOT react, but to observe.

How do you not react to everything? React doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings or thoughts. Let yourself feel. Let yourself have an opinion. It is OK. You are only human. I have an internal dialogue that I let play out when I get overwhelmed and upset over things. I just don’t verbalize it or share it with anyone because it won’t help matters. In fact, it will serve only to further polarize things. In the end, the dialogue always shifts away from the upset and back to my Knowing and acceptance of what is.

Hopefully, my honesty about my previous premonitions and fears doesn’t trigger anyone. If it does, I am sorry as that was/is not my intent. I hope my sharing assists in a better understanding of how I perceive this unique time in human history and that is all.

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Message: Morning Star

I am experiencing a slight uptick in dream recall and guide visits lately. Messages are more frequent and last night I experienced Kundalini energy in my dream.

Message: Strength, Change, Communication

A week ago now I received a message via FB. That morning I had been somewhat down and in need of reassurance. The first post I came across was one of those word finds where you write down the first three words you see. The words I found were “strength, change, communication”. At the time I thought nothing of it but later in the day the words seemed to be whispered to me over and over. I finally wrote them down. When I did, the word “bravery” came to mind also.

Dream and Message: Bliss….Bravery

In the dream, I was with an Indian man who was showing me how to market his successful product as my own but I don’t know why. His product looked like dynamite or fireworks – tubes of red paper rolled very tightly. I was told they were not fireworks or dynamite but rather fire starters. I watched as he put one in a fire, lit it and it slowly ignited, orange flames taking over. Understanding, I looked at a box of six, which was how they were sold, still thinking they looked like dynamite or fireworks.

When I woke I saw a vision of a food package, I think for a drink but am unsure. At the top was writing. It said, “Bliss”. Then at the bottom I read, “Bravery”. It felt like I was being asked to drink it but I woke up because the message was so unique and obvious.

Message: You Will be Called

I have been watching a show called Manifest. It is about a plane that goes missing for five years only to suddenly reappear. The people on board do not experience time passing as 5 years but only hours. Many experience psychic abilities where they receive visions of the future. They refer to the visions as “the callings”.

It occurred to me that “the callings” were similar to what I have felt in my lifetime. I haven’t had them often, though. I receive strong Knowing that sometimes bring me to tears but always feel “big” and include a sense of being compelled toward a certain action. I refer to these experiences as “being Called”.

I realized the show, like others I have watched, contained a message that I will be Called again. Not only that but I have been told by my guidance to expect it.

The show’s name also feels significant. Manifest. Yep.

Message: Morning Star

This morning I had a very long Kundalini dream. The energy was muted but memorable. In the dream I was with a dark haired, dark eyed and very familiar man. His eyes are what is most memorable but I spent a portion of the dream tying to memorize his features (unsuccessfully). He reminded me of the man I use to see off and on in Kundalini dreams from 2014-2016.

Only broken pieces of the story line remain. Mostly I remember the man asking me questions and me answering them. When I answered him we were transported to scenes which appeared to be representations of what I was telling him.

In one scene I was outside a house with a man. At first he stood beside me and then he seemed to lose his footing and fall. I held the man in my arms as he grew old, turned to bones and then dust, crumbling in my hands. The dark haired man had asked me about the man, something like, “What about….?. My answer was ,”I was told to [be with him]”.

Another question he asked me was, “Where did you come from?” Hearing his question, I was transported to outer space where I floated past planets and stars. Then I burst through a “crack” in space and found myself on the other side of it staring at a long, golden cluster of stars that sparkled and had bursts of purple and white colors throughout. I said to him, “I Remember now….I’m from the stars.”

The next thing I remember is holding this man’s hand and getting into a large bed with him. I lay close to him and felt immensely happy and content. It was pure bliss. My entire body was warm with energy, especially my heart. I remember wanting it to last forever. I am surprised I didn’t start crying.

Then we heard the man being called (felt like we were in his home and his bed and his family was calling him) and he got out of bed to leave. I reminded him that he had no pants on and he turned back toward the bed to retrieve his shorts. I watched him, trying still to memorize him, wanting to remember as much of him as possible. He was wearing a plaid, button down shirt. The shirt came down just enough to cover his rear.

I woke, my entire body still warm with energy, especially my heart. Asking to go back, I fell into the in-between where I stood facing a starry night sky. It was early dawn. I looked up at the moon and saw a small star above it. I heard, “Morning star”. I remember asking, “Isn’t that Venus?” and received confirmation.

Meaning of Morning Star

The morning star is the planet Venus (Aphrodite, Goddess of love). It can also be Sirius and less likely to be the planet Mercury. It is also a symbol of hope and is another name for Jesus, who “shows the way” (I think Wayshower).

  • Morning star, most commonly used as a name for the planet Venus when it appears in the east before sunrise
  • Morning star, a name for the star Sirius, which appears in the sky just before sunrise during the Dog Days
  • Morning star, a (less common) name for the planet Mercury when it appears in the east before sunrise
    Source Wikipedia

“The Morning Star’s appearance indicates the dawn of light that ends a dark night. As such, Jesus Christ as a savior, source of hope and happiness is identified as The Morning Star.” Source

Music Message

I woke up hearing this song:

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Dreams and Message: Full Disclosure

I know I’ve not been posting much lately, and I apologize. An update is overdue. Right now, however, I am finding no motivation whatsoever to write publicly. For one, I feel like putting attention on certain things is counterproductive. I also want to be more balanced and centered when I post, and this state comes and goes lately and does not seem to remain stable for long. This is part of the energetic state of the world right now and my adjustment to that energy shifts as that energy shifts (which is frequent!).

Very quickly I will update on my sister and then move on from there because, for me, lingering on the topic doesn’t fill me with happy-happy-joy-joy vibes. lol

My sister had a successful surgery on the 7th of August, spent some time in ICU, was moved to a regular room and then discharged (maybe a week ago now? I can’t remember the exact date). I have not been reaching out to her or my family to stay informed. There are some posts on FB but I do not react or respond to them. I am remaining as withdrawn as I can, stepping back and letting everything play out.

Sadly I know that my sister and my Mom’s futures are intertwined, and not in a positive way. There are some deep-rooted karmic lessons being played out. My job is to step back, observe and to try and not get emotionally involved. The last big emotion I felt was frustration and anger because I could see what was coming, but then I let it all go. If I could, I would move as far away from my family as possible. If it were not for my Mom, I would have disconnected long ago. My half-brother is the only sibling I prefer to have contact with, and even he has distanced himself from the drama (smart man!).

Interestingly enough, my guidance suggested I review past journal and blog entries. I did this by chance yesterday (posted the result) and this morning did another quick search. Just so happens I found this post from July, 2013:

Long ago, when the family issues began getting to me, I was given advice by Steven. He said, “Step back”. I understood this as “mind my own business”. I also got the message to “let them learn their lessons” and “stay out of it”……. I have successfully stayed out of it. I am proud of myself for being able to do so. It is hard seeing family do stupid things and then have to face the consequences of it, especially my Mom. I want to protect her……That is not my job, though.

Apparently the “bumpy ride” message I got from my guide John applies to family drama. I am not looking forward to it. It bothers me to know that my Mom is being unfairly treated; to know that my sister would take advantage of not only her but anyone else who allows themselves to become a victim. I feel like my sister is lost to me. I don’t understand her or know her anymore. I love her, but I don’t like her at all. I would never hang out or be friends with someone like her. That kind of dishonestly and selfishness is toxic.

All of this family drama is part of my lesson here. I was very curious what lesson my sister could be learning. I was told it had to do with controlling human emotion and physical desires. From what I can tell, she is failing miserably at it……..I also know the only way for her to overcome her problem is to get past her physical emotions and bodily urges and listen.

OBEs

I haven’t been sleeping well again. I wake around 4:30-5am and cannot return to sleep, usually because my nose is clogged. Two nights ago when this happened I had to walk around to get my nose to clear and the fell asleep. I ended up having a string of OBEs. They were hard to recall because I fell back into dreaming afterward. I do know there were five and I was being guided through them, working on raising my vibration. In one I sang to raise my vibration and flew around with a guide. In another I was carrying a small girl on my back.

Dreams

Lots and lots of odd dreams lately. This morning I woke early also and my nose was clogged again (grrr!). This time I did some gentle yoga to pass the time. I mulled over the dream I had prior to waking through the poses because when I woke from it I had been crying.

Dream: Winning the Race

I watched a woman running a marathon. Toward the end she got a burst of energy and sprinted to the finish. The woman then received her trophy and won the honor of becoming “queen”. Rather than accept the honor, the woman took the trophy to the rightful queen who had been locked in a fancy, castle for a very long time.

The queen was blonde, pale and beautiful. She accepted the trophy crown but it was gold, long and rectangular and did not look like a crown.

Then I was the winner of the race, only it was a half-marathon. I knew I had decided to finish early, rather than run the entire marathon. Exhausted, I went to my apartment to pack up and leave rather than rest. I decided to take off my sweaty clothing beforehand. I also needed to pee really bad. As I sat on the toilet, relieving myself, I was thinking of the things I needed to pack, which were few. The peeing, which seemed to go on forever, woke me up. My face was wet from tears. I was baffled by my emotional response to the dream.

Interpretation – My gut tells me this was a dream about the journey I am on. The queen is me, in both instances – one running a race, the other locked up and then freed. The dream feeling is that I took an opportunity to finish early. The end, where I am leaving my apartment, felt like me leaving a situation and never looking back. Apartments are emotional situations. I also take off all my clothing (outward appearance) and urinate (relief, letting out something I had been holding onto). The tears were tears of relief but they left me with conflicted emotions.

image source Wikipedia

Dream: Slow Loris

In one I was with a woman who was looking for a guy and his girlfriend. I felt like I was hovering, observing. She was shown the room the man was in and he was in the bathtub naked with his girlfriend. lol I recall the girlfriend tossing her clothing – a black, spaghetti strap top. Then they were gone and two woman were talking to me about an upcoming “event”. They were discussing it as if it were “secret” and I told them not to bother inviting me for some reason. It felt like it was an event I wouldn’t want to attend alongside others. The one woman said, “We knew you would say that which is why we are creating an event just for you.” She handed me a brooch as an invitation. It was beautiful! Made of gold or some metal. It looped around and at the end of the loops were jewels. I remember taking it, somehow knowing the event was in November and saying, “I don’t know if I will be able to go. Something might come up.” In my mind I was thinking of my sister and other things that might happen. 

Then I was outside in the back of a small home. There was a road that ran along the back and there were items tossed here and there. I spotted a kid’s toy – a gun of some sort that looked like a Nerf gun or water gun. I went to pick it up and a boy rushed up to me. I hadn’t seen him there. I turned and asked, “Is this yours?” He snatched the gun and I said, “Cool gun! How does it work?” He showed me some lights and such and kept walking. I followed, stopping to look at some bikes that had been left on the side of the road. One was a toddler bike, for a 3yr old but the training wheels were broken off.

A man approached and asked if I wanted the bike. He asked his son, the boy, to show me it still worked. The boy got on the bike. I told the man my boys were too old for it and turned to leave because the man had a strange energy.

As I turned and walked back toward the home the man came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. He then ran forward with me, lifting me off the ground. We flew swiftly forward and he then set me down. I wasn’t afraid, somehow knowing he meant me no harm. When he put me down he asked me, “How was that?” I said something back acknowledging his ability. He stood facing me, smiling, and seemed to want more. I didn’t recognize him. He had light hair and was tall and skinny. He pushed me to the ground and leaned over me like he was exerting his dominance. I didn’t resist, still knowing he didn’t intend me harm. He let me get up and I walked back toward the house. 

On my way back I began to fly, hovering close to the ground, looking at the scenery. There were these beautiful shrubs near the house. They had red tips and were quite overgrown. I floated over them, touching them and watching as the red tips came off and flew around me like flower petals.

Then I spotted something on the ground near the white porch beam. It was a peculiar feather. I picked it up and asked aloud what kind of bird had such a feather. I carried it with me as I talked to someone and this person motioned the feather saying it was some creature I had never heard of. I remember thinking, “sloth” and “slow loris” and as I looked down the feather turned into a fluffy white animal of some sort. It had the face of a cat but without legs. The body was just a long fluffy tube. 

I held the cat thing for a while noticing its behavior. It seemed quiet and like it wanted to hide. The person was telling me about it but I can’t recall what they said. I just remember putting the cat thing on my shoulder and hearing little cat noises and feeling claws gripping my shoulder even though it had no feet. 

At one point the cat thing withdrew into a tube, shrinking down like an eel would do. The outer fluffy part slid away and became separate. I knew to keep the cat creature with the fluffy tube and set it free.

Somehow I ended up in the house at a kitchen table feeding the cat thing. It was eating pats of butter. When I put my hand too close it accidentally chomped down on my finger but it didn’t hurt. I remember saying I shouldn’t have done that as it was eating and it thought my finger was the butter.

Interpretation – The dream about “November” stood out. It seems to indicate some “event” will take place. Maybe it has to do with the brooch? Hard to say but it resembled a LL symbol. A brooch means moving forward, important choices and can be an award for one’s efforts. The cat creature could represent the Kundalini. I think it significant that I took the cat creature into my grandmother’s kitchen. This is the location I use to go to for K events and other significant OBEs. Butter symbolizes richness and flavor. It can mean the end of hard times and the need for more love and affection. 

Messages

From this morning:

“Full disclosure” is coming. “Don’t worry, you will be clear enough when it does.”

“Give yourself the opportunity to hold space-time. These will not be there when you leave.”

Vision: Saw the tar pits in California. Remembered how when I visited the tar pits the guide told us how many animals fell in and suffocated, trapped forever. I thought the only way to avoid getting trapped was to be a bird and stay on the edges. With this thought I saw a small, white bird fly down to the edge and dip one toe in. Woke up knowing, “Earth is the tar pit of the Universe.”

Vision: I am sitting next to a man (he’s on my left) at a round table. Across from us sits another man, watching us. He feels important and motions to the plates in front of us. Eagerly, I reach down and pick up a juicy hamburger and take a bite. The man does this, too. It tastes wonderful. I feel guilty, thinking, “I’m eating meat.” I look down and the meat is gone. The burger no longer looks like a burger but still has a round shape. I come out of my reverie suddenly.

My thoughts: Whatever “full disclosure” is, I will be ready for it. As for “holding space-time” I am not sure what it means but I remember saying back to my guide, “You are right”. It feels like “holding space-time” means living in the physical and mastering the experience. The Tar Pit vision is self-explanatory. I think I am trying to be, or am, the bird. The hamburger vision was very real – touch and taste specifically. Hamburgers = wholeness.

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Five Dead Beetles

Quick update on my sister for those interested.

She is still in the hospital. At first she was waiting for the hospital to find a home service to come administer her daily intravenous antibiotics. This obviously didn’t pan out, probably because my Mom’s home is in the country (distance) and home health services are limited due to increasing Covid-19 infection rates (fear, lack of staff).

My husband went to visit her and returned home with some unfortunate news. When he asked my sister about her Meth abuse and how it had put her in the hospital and destroyed her heart valve, she claimed the Meth was not the reason her valve failed. Instead she explained how Meth was helping her – giving her inspiration and motivation to complete projects. She also pointed out how she had been using for six years without any complications and her valve had withstood the test of time, even outliving its original ten year expiration date.

Upon hearing this I was very disappointed. I asked my husband if he pointed out how Meth had rotted her teeth, leading to the sepsis that ultimately pushed her body to its limits. He said he had and she said she only had tooth decay because, “Meth makes you forget to brush your teeth.”

My husband pointed out the obvious – my sister has no intention of quitting once she has the surgery.

When I spoke to my Mom about I said to her, “I wish she would just decide whether she wants to live or die. It feels like she keeps changing her mind.” My Mom replied with, “That’s interesting because that is exactly what the surgical team said – she needs to decide whether she wants to live or die.”

The same day this news came to light I had other family issues arise and again began to lose my voice. 😦

My Mom also told me that my sister said the surgical team is planning on doing her surgery on the 15th. This makes no sense since the last major news was that it would take 45 days for the insurance to be transferred to the correct region. Perhaps she has it wrong and the surgery is scheduled for August 15? That would make more sense.

In the meanwhile, my sister wants out of the hospital. She is feeling good and so thinks there is no need for her to be there even though the doctors warned her that though she feels good her heart is near failure and she needs to “take it easy”. It would not surprise me if she checks herself out against medical advice like she did last time. Sigh.

Dreams and Messages

Thankfully I’ve been sleeping pretty well through all this drama. The dreams I have are mixed with memory of them fading quickly upon waking.

I’ve had several dreams where I am working as a counselor again. The dreams usually result in a confusion of my dream self. I wonder, “Why am I here? I already had a job?” The most recent dream resulted in me feeling like taking a counseling job would betray my current coworkers and so I was quite split about the decision.

It makes me wonder if I am considering returning to counseling on some level….

Recently I awoke speaking to someone in Spirit. My heart chakra was warm and active. It was a wonderful feeling, one I haven’t felt in a long while.

Another morning I woke up from a dream about food. I asked, “Why do I keep having dreams about food?” My guides replied with, “What do you nourish yourself with?”

This is a good question to ask ones self, especially if one is unhappy or feeling negative or rollercoastering.

I concluded that my mental nourishment needed adjustment and that I should focus on increasing my spiritual nourishment.

My self-talk has always been an issue because I tend toward self-criticism and self-judgment. Perfectionism at its best. It is easy to see only what is wrong and be blind to one’s blessings. So I have been working on focusing on my blessings but it is difficult with all the family drama and high triggering effect it has.

I’ve also become lax in my spiritual practices. Meditation isn’t happening much these days nor am I paying much attention to the signs and syncs the Universe sends.

As soon as I decided to pay attention, the signs started coming.

Beetle Symbolism

A few days ago, while at my Mom’s, I found five dead beetles. These were no ordinary beetles, though. In fact, I’ve never seen such large beetles in Texas before and I’ve lived here for most of my life. They are about two inches and some have horns on them. In fact, they look similar to a rhinoceros beetle.

The beetles I found. They are known as Ox Beetles, part of the scarab family of beetles.

I was fascinated with the beetles and took several pictures after examining them all and noting their differences. The two males have horns. Each male was found next to one female and another female was found alone. You can see one of the females has her wings out. She is also missing her abdomen. The other four are perfectly intact down to their antennae.

Previous to this beetle discovery I had found a lone female (on June 6th). I also took photos and inspected her closely, fascinated by her size and preservation.

Copy of my Instagram post on June 6th.

The connection between them seems to be what was happening at the time of discovering them – the same family drama, relationship issues, boredom and questioning of my life. The last message I had received prior to June 6th was that I needed to dive into healing, focusing on my heart. I had a similar message about my heart and “doing the work” not long after.

The beetle is a symbol of transformation, eternity, moving between worlds, cosmic forces, rebirth and enlightenment. Since these beetles are dead, I wonder if this is a bad omen? Or it might just mean I am feeling “dead” in regards to the spiritual in my life? The last seems the most true to me. It may not be that these aspects are dead but that they are hidden from me due to all the physical world drama of late.

The female with her wings out and missing her abdomen feels like a representation of me. I tried to fly but couldn’t and in the process lost my “core” or received an injury to that portion of myself. The five beetles coincides with the number of individuals in my family which may or may not be significant.

Energy

Energetically I have been all over the place. Some days I feel quite balanced while other I feel disconnected, confused, or just plain triggered. The full moon eclipse of the 4th was especially odd. Mostly I just wanted to be alone but because of the family activities felt pressured into being around lots of people, people who I don’t feel much if any connection to.

Mostly I am left with a questioning of where I am currently in life, feeling the need to inspect the quality of the connections I have. Do the people I associate with resonate with me? If they don’t, then what? How do I correct this?

I am also questioning my future. What lies ahead? Sadly I see very little and have no specific goals in mind. In a recent conversation with my Mom about my sister’s plight I told her, “If I had little to no time left in this body I would be okay with it. I feel as if my work here is done.” My Mom asked me, “What about your children? They still need you.” I said, “Not like they use to. They would be fine without me.” Of course, my confession upset my Mom but she doesn’t understand where I am at right now. In a way I envy my sister’s position. Not the drug addict part but the part where the end of her life is in sight and she can easily take that exit.

My wishing to move onto the next world is not a new one. It seems the more spiritual experiences I have, the more the desire to move on becomes. What I’ve seen and experienced cannot be undone. Sometime I wish it could be. It is the cruel fate of those like me who walk the line between the physical, material, illusory world and the Spirit world and the Divine Connection of All That Is.

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Dream: You are Beautiful

I’ll start with the good news. Yesterday I got to see my brother for the first time in about two years. He flew in from Arizona, my Mom and step-dad picked him up and they had a late lunch with me and my husband. Then we ended up back at our house to catch up for a while. It was nice! My brother doesn’t fly back until this Friday. 🙂

Now the not-so-good news. Since my last post quite a bit has happened.

The heart hospital scheduled my sister’s surgery for this morning at 8am. We were all relieved that she would finally have the help she needed. My brother, who is in the Air Force, got a special leave granted to be here for her surgery.

Last night my Mom told me that my sister’s husband told her there might be an issue with their insurance, which is Medicaid. When I heard this I asked my Mom to clarify the date and time of surgery – Who told her? Had it been confirmed by the hospital? She asked me, Why so many questions? and I said it was not like a hospital to confirm surgery without first checking on a payment guarantee, especially a surgery that would cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.

This morning I found out via FB that the surgery was cancelled. My step-dad later texted and said the hospital is “working to get insurance issues resolved.”

I have no idea what will happen next. My guess, though, is if insurance issues are not resolved then her husband will take my sister to another hospital to see if he can get them to do the surgery. If he is smart he will check if they accept their insurance first. I doubt the heart hospital will keep her much longer now that they know there will be no payment. Maybe they will transfer her? Hopefully.

The other bad news…. When I first spoke to my Mom on the phone yesterday she was quite upset. My BIL asked her to drop my nephew with his mother. When my Mom did this she confided in my BIL’s mother that she was frustrated with the Meth use by both her son-in-law and my sister. Then she told them, “IF they continue to use Meth I will take them to court to get custody of him [her grandson].”

My Mom thought my BIL’s mom was trustworthy.

Within an hour or so my Mom received a phone call from my sister. She yelled at my Mom and threatened to take her son and “vanish”. I don’t know the specifics but whatever my sister said really upset my Mom to the point that she was stumbling over the words on the phone. The call got dropped and so I waited until I saw her to get the rest of the information.

Turns out my Mom got a text from my BIL attacking her and calling her a “demon” and also threatened to disappear with their son. He specifically told her he knew people that could give them fake IDs and help them disappear.

My guess is that my BILs Mom left out the “If” part and just told them my Mom was going to take their son. Sigh. People can be so stupid. Why tell a sick – dying – woman that her son may be taken away?? The only point of doing that is to create drama and upset people.

I reassured my Mom that the threats were hollow. They can’t afford to disappear. All their contacts are in this area and with my sister being sick and recovering it is too risky. I advised her to call my sister and sort it out. My Mom calmed down and apparently did call, thus discovering the cancelled surgery.

Sadly, they have kept their son from my Mom before as a means of getting revenge for one thing or another. They know how much my Mom loves her grandson and so use it to their advantage. It is very sad.

Dream: You are Beautiful

As a result of all this continued stress I am not sleeping well again. This morning I had a dream that brought me to tears.

I was with a group of kids. One of them reminded me of my best friend from high school. We went out at night. I don’t know what our purpose was but it felt like we were sneaking around. 9pm was a time that kept being repeated. People were telling my friend, “Good luck at 9!” She asked me what it meant. I didn’t know.

We ended up in a cemetery. We got to a fence and I began to climb it when I heard sirens. I said to my friend, “The police are coming. We need to leave.” She said, “There’s no one here.” My foot was caught and I struggled to get it out as a police car approached. We hid but were soon discovered.

I remember a little boy was with us and somehow he ended up being targeted by one of the officers. He was molested. 😦

The dream gets hazy but I remember standing up to the officer and calling him out. I spoke to him for a while telling him he needed to do something before he hurt another child. I went over ideas of how he could prevent future incidents. I also helped the boy, guarding him from further molestation.

Then the boy morphed into a young girl. She went into the arms of a woman who felt like a caretaker. I went up to the girl and told her that if anyone ever touched her that way again to immediately scream and tell someone. The girl hugged her caretaker and the caretaker opened her arms to me. I hugged them both and said, “Remember, no matter what, you are beautiful.”

When I said this I began to sob and the caretaker hugged me tight. I felt deeply all the atrocities the girl and boy had gone through. It felt like I was feeling the pain of all similar experiences on Earth. It was heart-breaking. But most of all it was unfair.

My tears woke me up.

Considerations

When I woke I couldn’t help but think of how my BIL had recently told my husband of his own sexual abuse as a child. The abuse was by a male cousin who had taken advantage of him.

My sister also was also molested as a child.

I knew that child sexual abuse often results in the victim having a difficult adult life. For example, my Mom’s cousin, who I remember meeting when I was around 10 years old, had been molested by a male cousin. He ended up liking men and eventually contracting HIV and getting full-blown AIDS. I recall seeing him toward the end of his life and noting how the once attractive and vibrant man was just a shell of his former self. His entire life had been altered from his childhood trauma.

It was obvious to me that my sister and BIL/cousin’s lives had been altered in a similar fashion. Neither has fully confronted their abuse. My sister chooses to blame my Mom and use her past as a crutch and excuse for her behavior. I don’t know much about my cousin but likely he is doing the same.

I also realized that whether my sister chooses to live or die is HER choice. If she chooses to live it will be tough and she will have to choose recovery – which is terrifying to her – or avoidance. Choosing recovery also means choosing her son. I hope she has the strength and courage to take the high road….that is if she gets the option.

I feel like my dream was also about my own past lives, those in which I had been both the victim and the perpetrator. In the dream not only did I advise the molesting man but also both victims – male and female. I have recalled several past lives full of sexual abuse and know there are many others I have yet to recall. My advice to my dream child self was to always remember that I am beautiful. It reveals to me just how devastating such trauma can be to a person’s self-esteem/self-love. The perpetrator also suffers from similar feelings. No one is spared.

It seems to me like I am recognizing my sister and BIL’s plight as part of my own. I am relating to them via my own past experiences but also via the Collective. When one can do this, judgement falls away and love and compassion takes over.

Now I just wait to see what path my sister will choose. I stand in observance with love and compassion in my heart, supporting my family as they need me.