Tag Archives: dreams

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Message: Quality Over Quantity

For over a week I have had trouble sleeping. Mostly I struggle to fall asleep but I also tend to wake frequently which decreases the quality of sleep by quite a bit. As a result, I am not recalling my dreams and those dreams I do recall are odd and don’t make much sense. There are a few, however, that seem to be indicators of what is going on under the surface, deep in my subconscious.

Dream – May 16th

I was sitting inside a truck (hard work) as if waiting to leave when a guy showed up and stood by the truck. He insisted that I get into a car instead. I felt irritated by the man’s pushy behavior but did what he asked. Before I could get into the car (life path) it began to drive on its own (feeling not in control of life). It sped up and crushed the man underneath, ripping his skin off in places. The man was yelling in pain as the car rolled forward and backward over top of him. When the car stopped, the man was pinned underneath yelling in pain. Suddenly, a random dog (protection, fidelity) came around and began to pull aggressively on his toes, ripping into his flesh. I yelled at the dog to stop but it wouldn’t. The sight of the whole thing was gruesome – the car sitting on top of the man, ripped flesh with blood oozing out and a dog trying to eat the man’s foot all while he was still alive and suffering.

The dream was very short and horrific enough to wake me up. I suspect it symbolically represents my feelings and fears in regards to how I react to being pressured to do things. It also seems to refer to the masculine as something I resent and want to destroy.

Dream: May 20th

I had odd dreams and some I recall. In one I was visiting a house in Montana that looked like where my ex in-laws use to live. I remember mostly asking a man if he would consider splitting the cost of the house with me so I could live there in the summers.

There was a longer dream I remember. I was in my Mom’s kitchen talking with someone. A short, blonde man was visiting and he asked whether I had ever been a runner and if I would consider going on a run with him. I told him that I once ran a half marathon, so yes I could run with him, but the run would have to be short. I also told him I ran slow. I

Then I was inside another house with many other people. When I arrived the place felt foreign and I knew no one there. My bed was the top bunk of a bunk bed and I had to climb some flimsy netting stuff to get to it, eventually using the side of the bunk that was against the wall to climb into the top because the sides were too narrow to crawl through. When I climbed into the bed the navy blanket had large spiky burrs on it that had spines like prickly pears do. I began to try and pull them out but there were so many that I mentioned it to the people below. Even the pillows had burrs on them. So I tossed the pillows to the foot of the bed and moved the blanket so that I would not be stuck by the burrs. Then a black cat came up onto the bed and began to try and rub up against me. It, too, had the burrs on it so I shooed it away.

The last thing I remember about the dream is looking at the wall as I lay there feeling very alone and missing my husband. I was thinking how nice it would be to have him around to help me feel more at ease and at home where I was. This is when I heard someone say to me the words “quality” and “quantity”. I remember it as “Quantity over Quality” but it could have been the opposite, not sure.

When I woke the song, “Send me an angel….right now” was going through my head along with the concept of choosing quantity over quality.

I understand the message to be about my choices in this life. I recall that after my divorce I missed the security marriage provided and I missed the companionship and friendship of my ex. I didn’t want to be married to him again nor did I miss him as a lover or have heartache over the loss of him, I just missed the convenience of it – having plenty of money, being able to relax and not have to work or feel that dread of working and working just to survive, and the convenience of having someone to do things with and with whom I could be myself.

I don’t know what to think of the dream really. Symbolically the bunk bed means I have trouble expressing my needs and desires within a romantic relationship. The burrs represent minor annoyances and irritations that I choose to overlook. Because they are on the bed spread they indicate annoyances that I am trying to hide or cover up. I forgot to mention that the entire bunk bed scene was very dark and it was hard to see which means I am not able to see or recognize something in waking life. It could also be I am trying not to see and avoiding something. The black cat is my intuition. It also has burrs which indicate something annoying or uncomfortable about my intuition. I push it away meaning I am not wanting to listen to my intuition.

Quality over Quantity

The message about choosing quality over quantity stuck with me and I pondered it for a while. I analyzed my choices in life. When did I choose quality and when did I choose quantity? What does “quality” mean to me?

Immediately I knew that in regards to career I had chosen quality over quantity. I left teaching and counseling which provided security in the form of a good paycheck in favor of a job that paid much less but was low stress and gave me the ability to work from home.

Also, with my previous marriage, I had held on for a long while because of the “quantity” of things if offered me (convenience, security, money)  but the “quality” of my existence began to suffer so much that I ultimately chose to – had to – leave for my own sanity.

In another memory I went back to middle school when the desire to fit in often led me to difficult lessons. I had won the friendship of the most popular girl, which was a big win for me. However, the girl desired me only because she thought my family “rich” (lol we weren’t) and was constantly trying to get me to buy things for her, which I did. She also used me for my “brains” and often asked me for the answers to questions on assignments and tests. At some point I recognized that the cost of being her friend was my own self-respect and that, in the end, the quality of her friendship was very poor and not worth the sacrifice. Sure I gained her friendship and the following of all her “minions” (quantity) but it was not worth it. So, one day when she was asking me to provide her with answers to a test, I loudly called her out in front of the whole class, effectively severing my friendship with her and creating a long-term enemy in the process. I do not regret the decision, however, and would do it again in a heartbeat.

Ultimately, “quality” to me tends to win out even though I often take a long while to make the choice.

Not long after this dream there was a post on FB that caught my attention:

“Why has it become so important to us to prolong life, over HOW we are living, and to postpone death rather than ask how we are dying.”

—Charles Eisenstein

There was an entire discussion below the quote and in one comment someone mentioned “Quality over quantity” and I thought, “Ah – there is it again!” In this instance the message was about quality of life over quantity (in years) of life and how so many people cling to life, fearing death, but do not live a quality life because fear stops them in their tracks. This specific post was about Covid-19, but my take on it was that I was being asked by my guidance to consider the quality of the life I now live.

Headless Bird

An interesting symbol presented itself early in the week. I found an adolescent bird – a dove – dead in my front yard. When I went to inspect it I saw that it had no head but was otherwise in perfect shape. It stood out to me as a symbol but of what I wasn’t sure.

Then this morning a friend posted on FB that she found two headless birds in her yard. I remembered my own experience and again thought, “There it is”, but what does it even mean?

Birds in general equal freedom, possibility and transition. In this case, the bird was a dove. Doves are typical symbols of love, peace and partnership while also acting as messengers. To find the dove dead and headless seems to indicate that I am effectively chopping the head off of the messenger, a messenger who brings peace, love and possibility.

In the Dark

Despite all the above messages, when I look inward all is quiet and the answers are not forthcoming. I feel cut off from my guidance and without significant dream activity I am left wondering if the answers will be forthcoming. All is pointing to me not wanting to “see”, but when I attempt to see I find myself “blind” and cut off from mySelf.

The past continues to return to me, asking me to look back on where I’ve been. When I visit this past it feels not to be me, but some other version who is no more. For example, I watched a video taken after the birth of my first child. In seeing myself I thought, “Who is that?” I remembered those days but the connection to who I once was, was gone.

In some instances I feel on the verge of another transition and stage in my life. I wonder, will I look back on this other me ten years from now and have that same feeling? Will I see that me as a complete stranger?

Ultimately, I think these experiences of not knowing or connecting with my past self are a common one, even among those who are still “asleep”. My mother speaks of having this experience, also, and how as she grows older she steps out of one version of herself into a new, better – wiser – one.

Honestly, I don’t feel ready to transition. Maybe that is why my dreams are “dark” and the symbolism indicates I wish not to “see” and am ignoring my intuition? Currently, rather than kick myself for not being able to force myself to “see” what I am avoiding, I am just going to go with it and allow it to be. Knowing now my Self (Higher) and self (lower) and how different (and at odds) they can be, I also know that my Self usually has to wait for my self before change can happen.

 

 

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I Am Not Afraid

Hope all of you have been well despite the hoopla created by the Corona Virus around the world.

Me and my family are doing well. Not much has changed for us. My husband and I still go to work. I still work from home most days and go into the office 1-2x a week. My husband is there every day. We work in steel fabrication of public works so nothing has changed really except that our shop workers have been limited to 10 people per shift. So we opened another location so they could keep production levels up. Those who are considered most at-risk for getting the virus have been cleared to work from home or have been given extended leave (paid). Thankfully, we are a strong enough business that we can do this for as long as needed. Most want to continue working because – a productive person is a happy person.

The kids have been home since March 14th and started online learning last week. They, of course, want to start on their work first thing in the morning which can make it hard for me to juggle three kids and working, but I do it. My experience as a teacher and school counselor has definitely assisted me with this! The kids love school this way for the most part but my middle child wishes he could go back to school. Bless him.

My mom and step-dad are at their country home living life as normal and not afraid one bit about the virus despite both having underlying conditions. They are both bummed that their social outlets have been cancelled, though. They are avid church-goers and also participate in a choir. I do hope that this shelter in place ends soon so they can resume their activities. It is much worse for an older person to be isolated than a younger one. Thankfully they are able to watch my nephew during this time to keep busy and active.

My MIL is not concerned about the virus and still comes by to visit and goes about her daily activities. She likes to inform us how her siblings are freaking out about it, though.

I’ve noticed when I’m out and about lately (shopping for groceries or driving to work) that there seem to be more people on the roads than a week ago. There are also more patrol cars. When I am in stores the mood is less tense, which I welcome. I was avoiding the stores not because of possibly becoming infected but because people were so full of fear that it would make me anxious and/or ill. So I guess I was scared of getting infected –  infected by fear! It is nice to go out and not feel that. Perhaps all the fearful people are hunkered down at home, terrified to go outside?

My daughter informed me that her friends are referring to this virus as the “Boomer Remover”. I almost choked on my breakfast when she told me. I later told my “Boomer” MIL about the name and she burst out laughing. So refreshing to have laughter during such “serious” times. 🙂

Sleep and Dreams

Some other good news is that I have been sleeping really well since last Friday. Yay! No more difficulty going to sleep. No more frequent wakings. Just, deep, restful, dream-filled sleep.

With the increased sleep I have been feeling that “not alone” feeling in the night and during the evenings before sleep. Not knowing who or what the presence was, I say my prayer of protection and drift into dreamland. A couple of nights ago, though, I woke suddenly and saw my Himalayan salt lamp had turned on by itself. It freaked me out a bit but I got up and unplugged it and went back to sleep. Then last night I woke hearing someone say, “We have been watching you.” lol My response was, “That’s great………..” lol

I’ve had a few dreams of note.

In one dream I was at the doctor’s office getting a check-up. The doctor was Dr. Now from My 600lb Life, which was very strange! He was giving me a breast exam and talking to me about an upcoming surgery. He then got out this strange instrument and pressed it into the area just below my ribs, where the ribs meet. He told me he was trying to hook it into my esophagus. I told him it hurt and he suggested I take a small pill that would make me feel spacey and not feel pain. I asked, “Can’t you just do a chest x-ray?” He nodded and said he could. I told him, “I think I had one done in 2011. Maybe you could get my records?”

There was more to the dream but that was the part that stood out. My take on it is that I was getting spiritual work done on my solar plexus in the dreamstate.

In another dream I was back at school, at a college. I recall walking up to a dorm room and standing at the door, #224. I unlocked it and went inside. It was full of young women. Some were sleeping, others sitting together and talking. I sat on my bed and then tried to get some sleep but one of the women kept talking to me. She asked me when I wanted to schedule my internship in the advanced education field I had opted to study – another Master’s degree in teaching. I told her that I had changed my mind and really didn’t need to or want to do it anymore. For some reason I mentioned Montana and how I hated the cold, blustery winters but loved the beautiful mountains. When I spoke of Montana I got a very dreamy feeling and kept wanting to go back to sleep.

My feeling about this dream is that it was me considering yet another path or lesson in this life. I decided it was not what I wanted to do. The mountains and Montana represent a spiritual destination – could be Home or a feeling resembling Home. The sleepy feeling I was having indicates an avoidance and lack of awareness. It is a preference to remain unaware, comfortable or without the knowledge this new lesson could bring.

I’ve had many, many other dreams and dream encounters but most are lost to me now. Once I wake they fade quickly because I have so much to do during the days now – schooling my kids takes up most of my morning. So dreams and the spiritual have taken a back seat to life. I have brief memories of some Kundalini energy here and there, but it is hard to recover.

The Future

My gut feeling and intuition about the Corona Virus pandemic is that most of the fear mongering and Collective fear-based reactions will lessen once we get into the summer – June being the turning point. I don’t feel this means the virus will be “beaten” but that the fear will have abated for the most part and interest will be more on rebuilding and getting back to focusing on living rather than on death.

A quote has been coming to me whenever I think of the quarantine and shelter in place rulings being made all over the country. That quote is, “Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.” You may recognize it. It is from Braveheart.

Hunkering down, waiting out this virus for fear of death is no way to live. A person can only live in fear so long before it consumes them entirely leading to full-on apathy or full-on rage. These are the two directions the emotion will take most people. Prolonged fear and living in the fight-or-flight condition can and will lead to illness and death. Many people lived in complacency and/or apathy prior to this virus. It is likely they will return to that. Some will “wake up” from this experience, most will not.

My hope is that people will at least learn that living in fear is no way to live and recognize just how much fear has dictated and continues to dictate their life and decisions. Maybe for some this will be the “wake up call” they need to change?

We are eternal Beings. The body is just a vessel, something we use to experience the high’s and low’s of life. It is guaranteed that we will suffer while we are in the body. It is also guaranteed that the body will die.

I continue to be reminded by my guidance to “Follow the 8 Winds”:

The “eight winds” are eight influences that agitate and inflame the human heart and mind.* They consist of four favorable circumstances (prosperity, honor, praise, and pleasure) and four setbacks (decline, disgrace, censure, and suffering). Their contents are roughly as follows:

Prosperity: to obtain what one desires

Decline: to suffer loss

Honor: to be admired and praised in one’s absence

Disgrace: to be criticized and defamed in one’s absence (behind one’s back)

Praise: to be admired and praised directly

Censure: to be criticized and defamed directly

Pleasure: to be happy in body and mind

Suffering: to suffer in body and mind

Source

The key to overcoming these is to find balance through non-attachment. You can read more here.

Currently, with the fear of the virus being propagated everywhere, the main attachment people are having is to life via their body. Meaning, they don’t want to lose their body or suffer the pain that may or may not come with it. Others are fearing the loss of loved ones – so they are attached to others and what those others bring to their life.

I am not afraid of my own death or the death of anyone else in my life. I know if I lose a loved one that I will grieve but I also know they are not truly gone, just in another place, a place I am able to contact when I choose. Similarly, others in my family are not afraid because they know what I know. We know pain and loss are possible, but we don’t dwell on it. We choose to operate in the moment, day to day, without fear of “what if”.

The quote above still echos in my mind as I type this. What is it to truly live? I know, for me at least, it means to live from my heart, without fear, taking life by the horns and riding that bull until the very end.

One thing is for certain, though, “it [all things] will pass.”

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Putting the Past to Rest, Kundalini Dreams and Messages

Two weeks of struggling to fall asleep. I’m only getting about 5-6 hours a night and it is taking its toll. I suspect it has to do with the Corona virus scare and all the hoopla surrounding it. It is me picking up on the Collective more than anything I think, though I have my own issues surfacing independent of the virus and the Collective. All are One, though, so it is all the same to me.

Previous to news about the virus, I have had thoughts about past relationships coming up. This began way back in January, so I know it is not the cause of my sleepless nights because I had no issues with sleep back then. Some thoughts/memories are from past boyfriends, others from past connections in high school. Nothing major – no major emotions or reactions to the memories, really. Mostly I am coming to unuderstand the other person more and more and I think that is the point. This indicates that I have shifted from being the effect of my emotions and karmic lessons to being more at cause and seeking understanding in order to put it all at rest.

For example, a specific ex-boyfriend of mine continues to come up in my thoughts and I even had a long conversation with my husband about him. At that time in my life I had just awakened spiritually and was fascinated with my newfound gifts. My connection with him was a catalyst for my awakening, though a subtle one. He introduced me to the book that had the meditation in it that served to ignite all the swift changes in my life at that time. I realized that was his only purpose and am grateful to him for that. However, I also see how I was so immersed in my awakening that I neglected him, didn’t see the “signs” that indicated he felt ignored, under appreciated and fearful of a great many things. There was recognition that for him, I was more than just a fling, I was a potential long-term relationship and maybe more.

The signs were there but I didn’t see them back then. He took me to meet his father for one despite putting down his father and indicating he cared nothing at all about what his father thought of him and his life choices. He also altered his home environment to suit me. When I met him he had nothing permanent in his home. His furniture was all plastic or dorm style. His bed was an air mattress. He had no dresser in his bedroom. Yet after we started dating he bought a new bed and furniture. When I started drifting away from him, caught up in doing readings and exploring my gifts, he admitted to cheating on me (he kissed an ex-gf). I believe he did this because he wanted to test my reaction. I dumped him immediately and had no emotional reaction other than that. Afterward (we worked together) he was very resentful and demonstrated his hurt via critical comments. Then years later he contacted me in hopes of a second chance, but I was already married. He put down my choice to marry and have children saying, “Oh, you’re one of those.”

I was also able to recognize that he was a very conflicted person. He wanted to marry and have children but resented his brother who was doing just that. His brother was praised and commended for his choices by his father. So two reasons to not be like his brother. I think he began to have feelings for me that scared him. His response was to self-sabotage. Cheat on me and make it easier to escape a situation where he was at odds with himself. Yet despite this, years after he sought to reunite with me because deep down he longed for more.

After all this reflection I find I genuinely love him, not in a romantic way but in a family way. I wish only the best for him in his life and hope that he has faced his inner demons and made peace with his father. Maybe he has settled down with a partner and has found some semblance of peace?

I went through the same process with the other relationships that came to mind – another ex-bf and a girl I went to high school with. Seeing their side of things helps me to let go of any leftover negative emotion, freeing me – and them – from the trap of repeating the lesson in future lives.

Unusual Kundalini Dreams

One benefit of the delay in falling to sleep is I used that time to meditate and go within.

Last night, once again frustrated at not falling asleep, I asked my guidance for help. Since I had done this before with little response I asked to be given something interesting in my dreams – an OBE, a lucid dream with Kundalini, a gift perhaps – yes a “gift” would be nice I said.

My request was granted immediately.

Somehow I drifted off to sleep and entered into a lucid dream within a dream within a dream. The dream specifics are confusing because I was in two places (three really). I was in my bed aware that I was dreaming but I was in two different beds – one in the past and one in the present. The past bedroom was at my Mom’s home. The present bed my own bed in my house now. The dream took place in the past bedroom but I shifted between past and present, aware of each shift.

As I lay curled up on my side (in both beds) I had a dream of an invisible man coming to me. I shifted OOB where I could feel him and hear him, but couldn’t see him. He had stubble on his face which kept scratching me as we kissed. His hands were large but gentle. I recall shifting back to check on my sleeping body in the past bed while observing from the present bed and then shifting back to be with him. I remember becoming passionate with him and pulling back when his stubble scratched my cheek. I commented to him about it even but did not complain. The energy started to build and for some reason I withdrew from him. I don’t remember why. Perhaps I had a consideration of being found out? When I withdrew he did not want me to go. His persistence created more intense energy and my second chakra began to ache in response. It was both painful and pleasurable. This woke me.

When I woke I was surprised and pleased. My lower chakras were active and swirling with energy. I told my guidance, “More please.” lol

I fell asleep for a while and was awakened at 3:30am by my arm which was very, very itchy. I was bitten twice a few nights ago by what I think was a mosquito but the bites did not heal like normal. Instead they have remained very itchy and red. The itchy feeling comes and goes and this is the first time it has wakened me.

I got up and put some cortisone cream on them and then covered them with band-aids to prevent me from scratching them in my sleep. Then returned to sleep.

This time I entered into a dream that was very different from any other Kundalini dream I’ve had.

I remember being at a mobile home and interacting with a woman and her husband. I believe I was having an affair with the woman and trying to stay hidden from the husband. I am not sure if I was male or female but I think I switched between genders because at the end I remember recognizing I was male but feeling female.

The woman is hard to recall and I am not even sure it was a woman. I suspect it was a guide or teacher and the dream camouflaged them to fit with my comfort zone. This guide was touching me and igniting a very pleasurable feeling – and this is an understatement. I recall kissing and the electricity that resulted was beyond my comprehension. It took my breath away and created a chain reaction in my body like a match lights a bonfire. The pleasure wasn’t just energetic but physical, too. Every point on my body that was touched responded the same and every time it happened I was in awe and super curious. I remember commenting about it but can’t recall my exact words. I felt like a teenager exploring and touching for the first time. The places I was touched – hands, arms, leg – all felt to connect and exhibited the same explosive, erotic and pleasurable sensation. The pleasure I experienced is beyond description. I have not experienced the K like that before.

This went on for some time until the woman (guide/teacher) hid me as her husband returned. I remember hiding outside the back door and then crawling around the side of the house. When I saw the woman standing there I froze, hiding from her, too, but knowing she would see me. This is when I felt to be male but female, also. When she looked at me, I woke up.

Messages

When I woke my crown chakra was swirling with energy and wide open. It felt like a stream of consciousness was entering via my crown, a feeling I haven’t felt in quite some time. When this happens it feels as if I am connected to my guidance/HS in an expansive way – a 360 degree feeling.

The memory of what had happened lingered and I was still in awe, asking what had happened and why. The first response was, “You have an itch you need to scratch”. The symbolism was not lost to me since I had awakened prior to this K experience from a very, very itchy arm. My response back was, “Shouldn’t I not scratch? Scratching leads to infection…” I got no reply, probably because I was over-thinking it. lol

Then my guidance reminded me of something I was told years ago in an OBE encounter with a guide who spoke with an accent. At that time the guide started a sentence and I finished it. He said, “Quite a fine sense you have. The more and more (I finished his sentence) you see, the more and more you will believe. Trust them to know what they see”. But this time it was the opposite – “The more and more you believe, the more and more you will see.”

I knew the explanation to be one I had heard many times before. When I first awakened I asked, “Why me? Why is this happening? How is it that I can do what I can do?” and was told, “Because you didn’t believe you couldn’t.”

We are limited by our beliefs. When we do not believe we can’t experience something that opens us up to all that we can. I was being told that I experienced this different K energy because I had no consideration that I couldn’t experience it. I was asked, “Imagine what you could Know if you tossed all limiting belief?”

This conversation left me feeling very optimistic as my imagination went wild with all the things I could experience and Know.

Other messages I received:

“It’s your turn”. This came after what seemed like a memory of my soul group and us “taking turns” in some way related to ascension and the planet. It felt like we went through cycles of “rest”. It’s like we are all holding a rope in tug-o-war and sometimes we have to let go to get a breather and the rest of our group holds on and takes up the slack while we rest. When we return to hold the reigns then others take breaks and so on and so forth.

Vision: I saw a flood of water and knew it was a message that I would witness others around me suffer through troubled times. I was reminded that I would be spared. I saw myself standing as the water flooded on either side but missed me entirely.

Heard a voice say my step-father chose to move on (died). This, I believe, is future related and so the timing of it unknown.

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All is Well

Had some dreams of note. In one I was at a computer screen and sent completed files to this guy. He said, “You forgot to merge the files.” I looked at him and said, “Okay. That shouldn’t take more than an hour, right?” He smiled, laughed and said,”More like four or more hours.” I smiled and took his hand in mine and looked at him. In this instance dream time seemed to slow way down. I can’t remember his face now but I remember thinking that it was okay if it took a long time because that meant more time with him. There was a nice warm feeling in my heart and I woke up still feeling it.

After waking the significance of “merged documents” was not lost on me. I knew it was referencing Wholeness – or becoming One with All. I understood that I didn’t mind waiting because it gave me the chance to be with the man. If we merged I would become the man – which is not the same.

A few nights ago I remember being in the in-between talking about how much I missed a soul family connection. As I cried and my heart hurt, I was being reminded of why I was here. There was a feeling of knowing that the Oneness I so desire is my natural state in Spirit and that I come into human form to experience myself separate from that, which is what I am doing. The separateness is only temporary and with that I should try and enjoy it and learn from it while I can.

The two experiences stayed with me. Then, I had a dream last night in which I was making love to myself while looking into a mirror at my own face. As I looked deep into my own eyes I felt the significance of the experience. Someone interrupted, taking my bedroom door off of its hinges. I got up to put it back on and saw that the bolt that kept the hinges in place was missing. The door was to never be secure. It was just an illusion of security. I saw this, too, and accepted it.

As I woke I began thinking about these messages. If we are merged, One, then how can we experience ourselves outside of ourselves except to be separate from ourselves? I saw this life in human form as that experience. How can I hold my own hand except but to allow myself to be as a man and a woman, separate with separate experiences, reaching out to each other? I saw my husband, my children, my mom, my family, friends, everyone as the opportunity to do this, to reach out to touch myself, see and experience myself and to remember I am not alone because I am ALL.

With all this something extraordinary has been happening to me. Slowly. I almost didn’t notice it, it occurred so slowly, but I have noticed. I think it all comes down to something simple: choice. I don’t consciously do it most of the time. It just happens automatically.

This all stems from a decision I made a long while ago. I decided that some things were just not worth my time and energy. Mostly negative things, things that did not bring me joy or that made me feel a certain way – that anxious pit in my stomach feeling or that unwell spiritual-energetic dissonance feeling. They are feelings that are hard to describe but when I feel them I know them. When I feel those “off” feelings I simply switch off the thoughts that cause them and turn on other thoughts or observe my environment and breathe it in. I do this so frequent it has turned into a habit. Yay!

As a result of this new habit I am much more peaceful throughout my day. I am much calmer and more centered. It is this new Beingness that helped me to notice how much I have changed for the better.

I find much more joy in simple things than I use to. I smile at things that normally I would have not noticed. I enjoy moments more and as often as I can.

I would like to hope that this is progress, at least on some level and all my hard work is beginning to pay off. Or maybe I am just finally entering into a stage, one that comes with getting older, and this is just part of a process everyone eventually goes through? 🙂 Whatever the case, I am feeling so much more solid in this body and life and it is well with my soul.

Something that came to me the other day on a walk (I take two a day now), is about the chakras. I remember thinking, “The lower chakras say, ‘live long and prosper’ and the upper chakras say, ‘but remember who you are’.” lol The lower chakras are all about the biological organism – reproduce, survive, live, die. The upper chakras are the tether that connects our human and physical forms. They work to remind us that we are much, much more than these bodies – eternal/infinite. The two, when streamlined, allow us to be both human (finite) and Spirit (infinite) in balance; merging physical and spiritual.

I can feel when I am streamlined like this and when I am not. I don’t know how I lived my life up until now not noticing the difference! Perhaps the self (little self, Ego) and the Self (Higher Self) are cooperating like intended? 🙂 Like in my dreams where I am in a car, but both the driver and the passenger? The driver being the Self and the passenger being the self. The self can be a HUGE back seat driver but she stays in that passenger seat where she belongs a hell of a whole lot more than she use to. hahaha

It is ironic that with all the panic and ridiculous amounts of fear in the world right now, I am feeling quite the opposite. I hope you are, too.

 

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OBE: Silent Night

I got an unexpected OBE this morning. It was short but followed by some interesting messages.

Dream: Teaching Assignment

The dream takes place in a non-traditional school environment. I am working there and talking to the principal and other teachers about the end of the school year which is fast approaching. This is a self-paced school and the students are expected to reach their goals in a timely fashion but are not forced to adhere to specific syllabus or itinerary.

At first we are talking about an email virus (interference in communication) that has been infecting our work computers. I see the email containing the virus in my inbox. It seems to replicate and I hurry to delete it.

Then the principal asks me if I think all my students will be done by the end of the school year. I say “no”. The principal asks how much time I think they need and I say, “Another four weeks, at least until the July break (4th of July).” A co-worker acts surprised and I mention how I will take my summer break then. She looks even more surprised and I ask, “Don’t you have a summer break here?” I am told school is year-long.

Next, I remember pacing back and forth in front of my mother’s house talking to someone about how my current employment as a teacher is in my favor. It can help me find another job, one where there is a summer break (need for a break). It feels like I am trying to convince myself that everything will be okay because I have a Plan B.

Then I am watching as the children head down a steep set of stairs (levels of consciousness) to go home or to lunch. A group of hillbilly looking people drive up. They have a trailer attached to their truck. It is filled with all sorts of birds – chickens and turkeys (cowardice) mainly. The principal says the group is a family who he is trying to nudge away from his school. It feels like they are a nuisance. We begin to usher the kids back up the stairs but it is very steep and the top step very high. I have to help a little girl (aspect of myself) who I think of as my daughter because she is so little and the step so tall. She makes it with my help and we stand on the balcony watching the hillbilly family below.

The principal makes a deal with the family who offers to use his turkeys and chickens as a petting zoo for the kids. He warns us to not let the children get too close or they might get pecked.

OBE: Silent Night

I am aware of lying in my bed and hear a familiar clapping beat to my left. I say familiar because I heard it yesterday morning. The clapping goes along with drums but I don’t hear the drums, I feel them. I am following along, trying to learn the rhythm. Yesterday morning I was actually saying the rhythm while clapping, “Da, daa, da-da, da, da…” As my mom, a music teacher for 30+ years, would have said it, “Ta, ta-i, ti-ti, ta ta.”

Unlike yesterday, this morning I recognize that these are a type of “noises off” except that focusing on them doesn’t keep me from going OOB, they assist me. As I decide to shift OOB I feel heavy blankets (security, protection) over my head and shoulders. I will them away, clapping my hands harder and singing the rhythm louder. In my memory I see the music I am making move the blankets off of me and I feel lighter as they fall away.

Out of bed and OOB, I head toward my bedroom door and easily pass through it. It acts like a portal and I find myself floating down, down, down towards a school setting with wood flooring and toys scattered about. I set my eyes on something, a toy of some sort, but I can’t recall what it was now, and head toward it, curious and feeling somewhat out of character for myself while in my astral form. Something catches my eye from behind me and I turn to see a man standing, hands casually clasped behind his back. He feels like a teacher and is dressed very casually in a blue polo shirt and jeans. He is looking at me and sending me a telepathic message for me to come over, so I do.

On the floor at his feet is a fluffy teddy bear (trust, security, companionship) with a large object in its hands. I want to say it is a megaphone (need to hear something) but it is hard to say. It is definitely shaped like one and is red in color. I lean in and snuggle the bear and the man says, “He is saying something. Listen.” He again says this telepathically so there are no words but rather it is like a hum or energy inside me that urges me to pay attention to the tiny bear.

I put my ear up to the bear’s mouth and listen. I don’t hear anything so I listen harder, stilling myself in order to catch even the faintest of sounds. I hear a small voice, very faint and it is singing a song. I listen and catch the bear’s words and know he is singing a lullaby. He sings, “Silent night….” but in the tune of the familiar ABC Song.

Caught off guard by the message I am receiving and not understanding I look up to question the man but don’t remember if he is there. I decide to explore the area more but am stopped by the familiar sensations of shifting back into my body.

In-Between

I shift back into my body which feels very heavy with energy focused in my mid-section. I receive visions and communication from the same man from my OBE for some time after. In these visions he is next to me. I am seated in a captain’s type wooden chair with a tall back that reaches shoulder height. The man pulls up another chair but does not sit in it. The feeling is the chair is meant for a visitor but that visitor is not the man. Am I waiting for someone? I feel the answer is yes.

The man tells me something but his exact words are lost to me despite my repeating them over and over in order to recall them. The meaning remains and it is that they (my Team I guess) will assist me with a type of re-integration and healing. I am frustrated to not recall the word he used because it made so much sense to me in the moment! Yet now I have no clue other than a feeling that lingers and suggests a “piece” being re-placed via a type of “lesson” that is forthcoming.

I remember seeing the edge of a pool, its waters crystal blue, calm and clear. I hear the man say, “See” and I know he is indicating the waters are related to my spiritual state, not just a “clearing” or healing. When I visit waters like this in my dreams and OBEs I find them delightful, calming and peaceful with a sense of freedom and fluidity that is hard to describe.

I am reminded of a message I woke to yesterday morning. Someone was whispering to me, “En Fuego.” All day I thought, “I should look that up just to be sure of it’s meaning” but I never did. I already new it meant, “On Fire” and was likely a message relating to the Kundalini “fire”. Later that day I was driving home from the store and heard a duet on the radio. The song stirred something in me and I remember how music and singing light up my soul. I began to fall into the song, seeing the voices as the masculine and the feminine energies within me. They danced together as the two voices in the song harmonized and I felt it within myself. It was beautiful but sadly it was interrupted by a phone call. 😦

In reflecting on the water symbolism along with this message of being “on fire” I can’t help but think of the elements and astrology. I am Leo – a fire sign. Water signs are strangely attractive to me, likely because they are my opposite. I can’t help but wonder if I am being asked to immerse myself in the opposite “element” to create a catalytic effect. Perhaps that empty chair holds the answer?

 

 

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Dreams and the Lessons they Teach

Though I haven’t been trying to remember my dreams and have not been writing them down often, sometimes a dream or two will linger in my mind for days after having it. I take this as reason to review and write the dream down. So I will do that now.

Dream: Too Old

What I recall most about this dream is being with a group of others my age but they all appeared younger than I am in life. We were sitting together at a round table and across from us was a group of older people. I say older because their hair was graying and they appeared much older than we did. The place we were in reminded me of a bar except the lighting was brighter. There was quite a bit of background noise from people talking and catching up. Perhaps it was a class reunion or similar? Hard to say as I did not have that feeling while dreaming.

I remember an older man with almost white hair was looking at me from across the way. His face didn’t seem too old but I felt he was much older than me. A woman sitting near me commented that he was interested in me. I think he said something to me but I can’t recall what now.

My comments were what I remember the most. I remembered suddenly that I would turn 44 years old this year. To me this was too old – too old to anticipate anything exciting in life, too old to bother making new plans or exploring new relationships, just too old. I mentioned how all the men my age were starting to show their age and the neglect of their physical bodies. They were pudgy, gaining weight or overweight, they were balding, they were graying and they were just unattractive in general. I pointed out that the men my age were looking for women much younger than me and told the woman sitting with me that she was the age they were interested in and I was far too “old”. The men interested in me were the age of the graying man who was staring at me from afar. I found this extremely unfair. Why do men get to get old, gray, let their bodies go and get progressively unattractive and society allows this and even encourages it? Yet women are expected to maintain their youthful looks as long as possible and if they don’t then they are judged harshly? “Old women” are not considered useful, yet old men are. Add to that women are expected to accept unattractive, older men as their partners, which leaves them in the likely position to become their caregivers in the end as they inevitably grow old and develop age-related complications and illness.

In the dream I felt the impossibility of my situation and I began to cry. I woke up crying.

My thoughts about this dream are that it is the result of finding my ex-boyfriend’s profile on FB and seeing just how much he had neglected his physical body. He was fat and had really let himself go. I could see all the years of heavy drinking, drug use and partying on his face and body. Yet his wife still maintained her youthful looks and was still by his side, accepting the lackluster man he had become and looking unhappy and stressed out. I knew he had not changed much over the years and felt it unfair that he would be so successful and people would accept the lie he presented of himself so eagerly.

I know this dream reflects my struggle with growing old. I work overtime to keep my body in good physical shape, eating healthy, exercising, etc. Why? I want to continue to look “young” as long as possible. I’ve always said I will grow old gracefully yet I am fighting it. My main reason for working out is to keep my body looking better than a 20-something body and it is working but it won’t work forever. I look at other women and men and judge them harshly if they have let their bodies go – mainly if they are overweight which 65% of our population is. I want to show them how easy it is to maintain optimal weight, be healthy and feel good. What I end up getting is lots of jealousy by women and stares from “old”, gross men. lol

When I am OOB I almost always looks young and youthful – beautiful. Here, we get to watch ourselves deteriorate and we really can’t do anything about it in the end. All roses wither and die.

Dream: Betrayal

In this dream I was watching as my husband generously offered to pay for the meals of a large group of people – families mostly. This group was very large – like fifty or more. I stood watching him, fuming that he was doing something that would cost us so much. Mainly, though, I think my upset was that he would do it knowing I did not agree.

I confronted him in front of a “family” member, a young woman who I recognized as his cousin. When she heard our disagreement she said that she felt this was a warning sign to him and advised him to fix the situation. Her comments held meaning beyond her words, suggesting that he end our marriage. I called her on it, telling her that she knew nothing about the history of this long-standing upset I have with him explaining how he had done similar things in the past without first asking me if I was in agreement. It felt like a slap in my face that he would do it again, purposefully knowing how it would make me feel.

The cousin’s face softened and she offered to pay for the meals herself and I rejected this because the issue was not in the money. The issue was in his not advising with me beforehand and taking away my choice in the matter. I felt powerless to do anything. There was also a fear that I would have to make up for the lost money by working more and frantically try to make up for it in other ways. It left me feeling insecure and I do not like that.

I woke up upset and recognizing I was exploring my feelings and the source of my upset.

In considering my reaction in the dream (and in life in similar situations), I look at how I’ve paid for entire meals for others (groups even) in the past without a thought. Yet when my husband does it I get furious. Is it that he is somehow taking away my glory? Is it because I feel the people undeserving? Or is it really because I had no part in the decision? It is very obviously illogical.

My main feeling is that he has no right because part of our money is my money. MY money means I make the decision, not him. I seem intent on hoarding money, keeping as much as I can for “potential unexpected expenses”. But really, money makes me feel safe, or at least gives the illusion of safety. When he “throws money away” like that I feel he is a threat to my security, to our family’s security. This is the heart of my upset. I must have had a lifetime in which someone, maybe me or maybe a partner, spent money without consideration of the future and left me and our children destitute.

In this lifetime I watched my own mother stand by idly while her second husband spent money without a thought to the future. They got an in-ground pool installed, bought nice cars, and went on trips to exotic places. He spent and spent and she stood back and watched despite her gut feeling that spending frivolously and not saving money was a mistake. In the end, his income dwindled to little to nothing and he up and left her when money got tight and he couldn’t spend as he pleased. Then she found out he had not been paying his taxes over the years and so the government came after her because she had been his wife. They began to garnish her wages leaving her with no way to support her family. She had to file for bankruptcy and it devastated her.

What is even stranger is that my MIL demonstrates a similar money problem, she blew hundreds of thousands of dollars in a short time, never saving it or investing it in her retirement, wasting money without considerations for her future or the impact it would have on her children. Now, in her old age, she expects her children to care for her every need and continues to not take responsibility for the money she does earn, spending it frivolously and expecting her children to give her more whenever she asks.

So it is obvious to me this money issue is a big lesson for me. I wonder, though, what I am suppose to learn from it? I mainly get angry with the inconsideration people have shown me and my loved ones. How could anyone do that to another person on purpose? It feels like the ultimate betrayal to me, one with potentially devastating consequences.

Reflection

The sense I get from the dreams and the lessons they offer is that they are the result of my asking my guidance for help. What is left for me to overcome? What is holding me back?

I am consistently receiving the message to “open my heart”, to look at life through the lens of love. I know what love is. I have experienced love beyond human love (which is conditional and frivolous). Divine love does not judge. It isn’t critical of others or self. It holds no expectation. It is purely accepting. It sees beauty in everything.

My first response to the above dreams is to be critical of myself for these very obvious “flaws” in my human self. Yet this reaction will not help me. I have to love these aspects  of my present self and personality. How do I do this? I have to show myself compassion.

These considerations I have are the result of lifetimes of human conditioning. My considerations about growing old are not just mine. Every human has them as they grow older to some extent. And my concerns about frivolous spending of money come from experience, past and present lifetime. They are deeply embedded and their rising to the surface gives me the opportunity to consciously explore their roots in order to free myself from the suffering they cause.

 

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Dream: Hope Floats

Last night, for the first time in a long while, I struggled to fall asleep. It was past 1am when I finally drifted off. Again, I asked to be shown what my afterlife would look like and again got shown something very different.

Dream: Hope Floats

I was in the back seat of an SUV traveling with three others – two men and a woman. The only person that was familiar was the driver and since he was way up front we did not interact very much.

For some reason I was very talkative and happy in this dream. The discussion was about where we were going and why along with other random topics.

The topic of all the countries we had visited came up and the man to my left showed me a map of all the places he had traveled. His map was quite full! It seemed he had been nearly everywhere! I somehow knew he had past military experience and this was how he had traveled so much. I asked if he had ever visited Australia and he showed me a map of the country. He had traveled nearly the entirety of it! I said, “I went there once. I wanted to move there. It is a wonderful place.”

The topic of music came up. The man had with him two CDs and a player that wirelessly connected to the SUV stereo. I explained how I didn’t like most country music songs and was not shy about sharing my opinion. I tend to be very honest and blunt and I was most definitely acting this way in the dream. As far as I know, I didn’t upset anyone with my strong negative opinion about country music. The man sitting next to me asked me to try listening to his CDs. He shared the name’s of the artists and albums. I told him I had never heard of them and even now I can’t recall their names.  I agreed to give them a listen but his player would not connect.

The conversation continued with me changing my mind as I recalled actually liking certain songs, even owning country music CDs when I was married to my ex. I remember mentioning the movie soundtrack, Hope Floats, but when I said the name I knew it was a message to myself about hope.

The driver, the only person in the SUV that I recognized, did not interact much with our group. In the midst of my conversations with the group, I moved to my left a bit and could see the man watching me via the rear view mirror. I tried to ignore him and pretended I didn’t notice him watching me. He looked just as I remembered, especially his eyes and the intensity of his stare.

The topic of conversation shifted to our destination. I remember knowing we were going to Minnesota but the map I saw did not show the state in the right place. Instead, it looked more like a state in the northeast somewhere, closer to Ohio or Pennsylvania. The man in the front seat mentioned how different it would be for me to live there, saying the college campus I would be at was in a big city. In my mind I saw city streets and lots of people and knew I did not like crowded places. I remember knowing that I was going to study for my Master’s in Group Communication. In the dream this degree stood out to me and nearly brought on lucidity, but it didn’t.

Suddenly, the man in the driver’s seat turned completely around and began to crawl into the back seat toward me. This surprised me and I remember holding my breath and thinking, “What is he doing?” His eyes are the most memorable. It was like he was looking straight into my soul.

Then, without warning, he took a huge inhale of breath and turned around to face the front of the car. Outside I could see the highway spread out in front of us. Black, burnt wreckage was spread all over the left side of the road. The car was stopped, so there was no worry that it was driving into the wreckage, but cars were behind us. One car’s bumper was nearly touching ours and it honked in annoyance.

I knew we had to get out and assist in finding the survivors/victims. When I stepped out of the car there were two tiny, toddler-sized, black sneakers sitting on the pavement in a position suggesting they had been blown off the feet of their owner. I remember saying, “Oh no! Where’s the child these belong to?” My last thought before waking was hoping the child had survived as I looked at the unrecognizable pieces of wreckage and obvious scorch marks on the highway.

As I woke, I felt the presence of my guide in front of me. He said to me, “Life is good.” I was so tired, so heavy with sleep, that I didn’t really think much about his comment and I drifted back to sleep. I can’t recall what, if any, dreams I had after that.

Considerations

When I woke up my first thought was on the message I gave myself – Hope Floats. I don’t remember too much about the movie but I believe it is a story of how a woman suffers through an unexpected divorce, moves her family in with her mom, and reconnects with an old school friend (or boyfriend?), falling madly in love. Ultimately she finds happiness where she never thought she would find it.

I don’t know if this message is meant to indicate something like that will happen to me. For my life to play out like the movie is unlikely, especially since I don’t have any high school sweethearts to reconnect with. lol It could be that the message is simply to remain hopeful. And it could be nothing at all, but that is not typically how my dreams work. Especially dreams in which I remember seeing someone I know so acutely and wake up knowing the dream has significance.

My music preferences, the main discussion in the dream, seem to show how I recognize that though I say I don’t like something I eventually recognize that I do like some of it. I am open to exploring this about myself and even agree to listen (to the music – my guidance – but in this case “listen” in general applies).

As a dream symbol, music is how one communicates and expresses their soul. It can also represent spiritual guidance and a message being sent/received. My best guess as to the genre of music is that it is linking me to my past and perhaps my roots since I was raised very “country” and lived in the country for more than half my life. I suspect I am being asked to return to my past, inspect it and be open to receiving something it has to show me and “change my mind” about some idea or situation.

The wreckage on the highway seems to be a message or warning of a world-view or path more than my own and/or my group’s path (SUV is a group path). The wreckage is massive and the cars involved unrecognizable. All that is left are scorch marks and twisted pieces of metal. The two tiny shoes likely represent the children of the world in general. My main concern is them. My group is seeking to help the victims.

Finally, the degree I am seeking is at the forefront of my mind. The main word that stood out was “group” but I knew my degree had to do with communication as well. Considering just last night I was boarding a train to my new school and was wearing a choker around my neck (throat chakra), I think this part of the dream very significant.

 

 

 

 

 

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Dream: Race Car Romance

It’s been a busy weekend and I continue to be pretty tired in the evenings with little dream recall. Last night I was especially tired because I went on a 4+ mile run-walk with my husband before dinner. So, by bedtime my eyes were very droopy and I fell asleep quickly.

Prior to bed I asked my guidance to allow me to see “heaven”. I asked to be shown where I will go when I die. Mostly, I was just curious. If I was shown the afterlife that awaits me (I believe everyone has their own “heaven”) I don’t remember it. What I remember instead is a strange dream.

Dream: Race Car Romance

The dream began with me being in my bedroom from when I was in middle school. Instead of it looking like a normal bedroom it was filled with deep water and I was swimming in it, occasionally diving deep into its depths. I believe I was not in my human form but am unsure what form I took. It felt like I was a car but then I saw myself as human but then also fish-like (mermaid maybe). Sometimes I would dive too deep into this water and someone would have to rescue me and pull me up to the surface before I drowned.

I was pulled up time and time again until the last time I finally paid attention to what was going on. Around me was a crowd of onlookers in a circle around me and my savior, a man who I felt I recognized but couldn’t place. His face shifted from a color, like a blue color, to a human face with dark hair and eyes. He seemed short or child-like, as did I, and I remember thinking in that moment that I finally recognized him. I knew I would fall for him as many victims fall for those that save them. As I had this thought I was looking at this man and feeling that, “Uh oh” feeling deep within me as if I knew he represented something significant and would bring into my life swift change more powerful than I had known before.

The dream shifted and the water was gone. I was standing on solid ground in my bedroom looking at a white bookshelf. On the top of the shelf was a stack of paper. I was taking pieces sheet by sheet looking for a blank one to draw on but each sheet had on it drawings of cars. Some had color on them, like a child had colored them, but as I pulled more out the drawings had less and less color until they were without color altogether. All the drawings were of race cars with rocket-like pipes coming out the sides and other alterations that made them look like rockets or spaceships with four tires. They were obviously built for speed.

As I looked through the drawings I recognized some were telling a story. I said to someone, “Oh, it’s a love story.” And I remember seeing two cartoon-like cars interacting as the pages flipped quickly and moved like a movie.

Then I was selecting a shirt to wear with the help of another girl. The shirt I selected had a race car on it also and was vividly colored. I mostly remember the color blue but there were streaks of yellow and white as well. It reminded me of something a super hero would wear. What is interesting is the shirt had two pieces. The back piece went over the shoulders like a cape and flowed down my back to my waist. The front piece snapped around the neck and covered my chest only. I remember the girl helping me put on the front piece, snapping it snugly into place around my neck. It felt tight but not restrictive.

Then I was told it was time to go and I got into a line to board a bus. It felt like I was in school and I remember seeing many people around me all going to their individual destinations. The bus I was boarding seemed more like a train or tram. It was sleek and aerodynamic as if it could go very, very fast.

Considerations

When I woke from the dream the presence of a guide was in front of me. I heard, “It’s time to go.” I didn’t know what he meant but it felt important. I thought, “Time to go Home?” He said, “No.” But my first thought was that I was about to die. I started worrying about my doctor appointment on Friday and thought I might get a phone call indicating something is wrong with my blood work. This concern quickly passed, though.

My guess, based on the dream, is that my guide is referring to something else, something fast and maybe life changing. A race car can indicate moving in the “fast lane” or fast movement. It can also represent a race of some sort and arriving at a destination fast. A car in a dream usually represents an individual’s life path or the path they travel with others. It is dependent upon the type of car. A race car is not a family car, so this is likely a symbol of my personal path.

In my dream I seem to shift between being a car and being something else, something more human and fish-like. I dive into the water (subconscious) and have to be rescued. I am rescued by the same man many times and finally recognize him. When I see him I feel that I will fall in love with him while also recognizing his role in my life. The feeling I get is significant and comes with a type of nervousness that I have felt in life before, where I want to run away out of fear but also stay out of fascination and desire to know what will happen next.

When I see him there is a crowd of people standing all around us. They stand back and form a circle similar to what happens when a person is rescued from near death in real life.

The strange race car clothing seems to indicate that I will take on a new persona. Clothing is how we present ourselves to the world. The clothing snaps around my throat in the front. This could symbolize my voice. It is not constricted.

As I board the bus/train I feel to be going to school but am also in a school so perhaps it is symbolic of a specific lesson I am about to learn that is related to a life lesson that is on-going. The bus/train looks like it will go fast so maybe a very fast-paced lesson.

This song was going through my head as I woke:

“I can be your hero baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away….”

When I went for my morning walk today I saw the sun through the thick clouds. It looked like the moon but I know the moon is not full right now and so this confirmed it was the sun. I was reminded of a dream/OBE I had long ago where I saw the sun and the moon in the sky, side by side slowly moving closer together. I knew this symbolized the masculine (sun) and the feminine (moon) coming closer and closer together until they merged. I looked at the sun-moon in the sky and said to myself, “The sun is the moon is the sun”.

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Dream: Struck by Lightning

Not a whole lot to report here. Lost of mundane things mostly. Today I had a well woman physical, which I haven’t had since 2014 (can you tell I hate them? lol). I told my doctor about my heart speed-up scare and she confirmed that it was likely low blood sugar. 🙂 I also had a full blood panel done because I haven’t had blood work since 2016. The results won’t come in until next week. Next, I have to schedule a mammogram because I am now “over 40” (in other words old).

Another interesting event was that I had my DNA analyzed through 23 and Me. The results came in this week. I am 64.2% British and Irish, 19.1% French and German, 2.4% Scandinavian and Broadly Northwestern European is the rest. I thought I had more German but it seems not. lol I also discovered someone I’ve known for around a decade is my 4th cousin! Sadly, all I discovered were many distant relatives. No close relatives from either side of the family show up. Health-wise I am not a carrier of any of the 44 genes for specific diseases and issues they tested for. The only thing of any significance that came up is that I have a slightly higher risk of having Celiac disease and age related macular degeneration. Weird!

I have completed 40 days+ of the Wahe Guru mantra meditation and have not noticed anything life changing. I do relax easier in the evenings but that is about it. I got the idea the other night to begin a visualization meditation at night instead of the mantra meditation I have been doing. So I have been trying to visualize what I want but it is hard because I seem not to be able to “see” physical things I want really well. That is probably because physical things are not very interesting to me. I mostly just want enough money to never have to worry about survival needs again. Mostly I just want to feel a certain way and I can visualize how I want to feel much better. So I have been trying to focus on the heart connected feeling or just a general openness in my heart. I also focus on feeling joy and fulfillment.

Visions of Note

In the past few weeks I have had some interesting visions and messages come through.

I had a vision that was very clear upon waking one morning, probably about two weeks ago now. In the vision I saw the painting in my room that is called “Integration”. I was going into the painting on a bicycle. It was so real that I thought I was actually sitting up in bed experiencing it but when I blinked I was in bed lying on my side. I was probably dreaming or in the in-between.

A message from myself that was interesting came around the same time. I caught myself talking to someone about someone who I recognized as me in another body. I said, “Oh that is my 6th body. I don’t control it”. All I remember after that is that the “body” of this other me was yellow.

Then in one day I had two syncs. The first came when I woke up with a song in my head. Minutes after waking I had to jump in the car to take my daughter to the bus stop because it was raining and the same song and line was playing! This was the song and the part that kept going over in my head was “She said I don’t look like me no more no more. I said I’m just tired, she said you’re just tired”:

Later that same day, I was reading a blog and the poster mentioned she got interrupted because her doorbell rang. The instant I read “doorbell” my own doorbell rang! LOL

Dream: Struck by Lightning 

I woke from a dream sometime around 3am. In the dream I was watching a small house via a screen. It almost looked like it was a piece of art, framed, but the picture was moving like a TV. The house had dark, nearly black smoke billowing out of the top. The billows were rounded and went high into the sky. I had a camera in my hand and began to take photos of it and as I did this I seemed to enter the picture with the house.

Then I was lying on the ground dressed in a white leotard, legs spread in a V shape. A bolt of lightning came down and hit me in my root chakra. I remember it did not hurt nor did it feel odd at all. I told someone who was with me, “I’m okay. I feel fine.”

This scene woke me up and I felt my entire body covered in a heaviness and subtle vibrations. I felt very drowsy but my mind was alert. A conversation had been on-going between myself and a guide who I could feel near me as if he were standing in front of me. This guide and I had been talking about what I wanted in life and I told him, “To be out of this body” and I was saying, “I don’t care how it happens – in a body bag, in OBEs, taken Home via spacecraft or whatever.” My guide was saying, “I don’t think that is what you really want. I think you want….connection.”

The more aware I became of the conversation the more it began to fade, our words disappearing, replaced only by the heaviness in my body and a feeling almost like passing out except I was already “out”.

When I regained control is when I heard the word “connection” and with hearing it I felt a pull within as if I were being called to embrace the familiar feeling of surrender followed by ecstasy that comes with the K. I resisted and told my guide, “It is not good for me. It upsets my life.”

I told my guidance that I prefer the security of my current relationship even if that means I have no deep connection(s) in my life. The idea of leaving behind my security to search for a connected relationship (whether with myself or another) does not appeal to me.

My mind wandered back to the idea that I may do better in a relationship with a woman and the more I thought about it, the more it appealed to me. My guidance seemed to indicate this would not happen. I wondered why not but did not ask because the answer seemed to be that it was not part of the plan.

I ended up in a dream where I was in school, purposefully breaking the rules by choosing to be with a woman. I found great joy in this and was giddy like a child as I danced up and down a line of students while watching the expression of a “teacher” as I kissed the woman. I remember my hair being pinned up and me taking it down as I danced. The other woman was also doing this.

There was a whole section of the dream where I was talking to others in my class about returning to my 30’s. One guy was holding a newborn in his hands and I said, “I had all my babies in my 30’s.” I remember saying, “If I could be any age again it would be in the decade of my 30’s.”

As the dream drew to an end, I remember hearing the song Unchained Melody and singing along – “Lonely rivers sigh, wait for me, wait for me. I’ll be coming home, wait for me…”

When I woke I felt that the dream was about feeling free to be myself. I often feel confined in this world and unable to be who I really am because of all the rules and expectations placed upon me by society – Be nice to this person, don’t say anything they don’t want to hear, etc. I feel a heavy weight on my shoulders each time I have to interact with other people because of these rules. Sometimes that weight gets so heavy that I break down into tears from the exhaustion of it.

I began to think of what I said about being in my 30’s again. As I pondered it I realized I would go back to age 30 exactly and make different choices. I would not build my house on my Mom’s land. Instead I would have stayed at my job at the time. I would have opted out of a family entirely. This all came as a result of thinking how I trapped myself by falling for the idea that having a family would somehow fulfill me. In fact, I see this whole world and life in a human body as a trap. I remember thinking, “If I could go back, I would go back to the time before my birth and opt out then. My mom would have miscarried and I would have been saved from this existence.”

I sometimes feel guilty for bringing my children into this world. Now they, too, are trapped by it. 😦

Lightning Dream Symbol

I have had K dreams where I am hit by lightning before so I suspect this symbol indicates the K energy will be fired up by some kind of catalyst. I find it strange, though, that I feel nothing when it strikes. Instead I sit there and say, “I’m okay. I feel fine.” I think the truth is that I am not okay. And no, I don’t feel “fine”. Perhaps my guide is right and being out of this body is not my goal but rather finding Divine Connection while in this body.

The smoldering house is likely symbolic of my life and how the energy is still burning, but slowly, creating a black smoke out the top of the house (my life/body). Maybe the black smoke symbolizes a blackness within me – the empty pit of nothingness that resides there. Or maybe it is just what remains of what could be smothered out over and over again by my refusal to let the flames ignite again. Or maybe it is some kind of signal fire? I wonder if anyone can see it?

I recognize that the K causes me to feel a need to make changes because that is its purpose. But I do not want to change and feel the energy of the desire brought by the Kundalini is not something to be sought after. It doesn’t last but it makes one think it will. It is deceptive and intoxicating. To reach for it will only result in suffering – not only self-suffering but also the suffering of those I love. I may be unhappy now, mostly from boredom and disconnect, but at least I am not suffering. I am secure and have many blessings. That has to be worth something.

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OBE and Message: Go to Florida

After hearing my husband brag about an OBE he had two nights ago, I went to bed last night feeling a bit jealous. I have been sleeping really deeply lately so my dreams are often lost upon waking. The tiredness keeps me from lucid dreams and OBEs so when I wake I feel like I’m missing out. So I said to my guidance, “I would really like something interesting to happen tonight.”

Something woke me up around 2am. I have no clue what but I ended up going downstairs to get a drink and was wide awake by the time I got back in bed. Seeing the perfect opportunity to try WBTB (wake back to bed), I began to repeat in my mind, “I am now out of body” over and over. To be honest, I have never tried the repeat method but heard an online friend of mine has success with it so I figured, why not?

As I was repeating “I am now out of body” one of my guides reminded me to set an intention for my projection. I thought about it and told him I wanted to be shown what I need to see (one of my favorite intentions) and when I can go Home (lol) because I have been so, so bored lately.

OBE

I don’t know when I shifted because I can’t recall feeling any vibrations. What I recall next is sitting in my bed as the body of a warm cat pushed itself against my hands. The cat was purring and I could see it was brown tabby. I remember thinking, “I don’t own a cat….” and then realizing I was OOB and could take over the experience. I chose not to take control, though, instead allowing the experience to show me what I had asked to be shown.

As I petted the cat (female sexuality, femininity), I heard music in my mind and sang along to the familiar song while also recognizing it was a message from my guides or Higher Self in response to my request to be allowed to cut this life short out of “boredom”. I wish I could remember the song now but all I can recall is that it was something like, “Why give up now when you’ve come so far?” Knowing it was a message I needed to remember, I grabbed a pencil and began to write it down on a piece of paper.

Then I noticed that the paper was covered in algebra problems and I remember thinking it would be a nice way to occupy my mind and time. So I set to solving the equations but also knew it, too, was a message. Algebra and math was always easy for me in school. I loved the challenge and the step-by-step process and rules to follow. So perhaps there is something in life that is similar?

Recognizing the messages I had been waiting for had been revealed, I got up and took over the OBE, flying out of my bedroom and down the stairs to the front door. When I opened the front door it flew open and disappeared. Outside the sky changed from dreary, dark and rainy to blue skies and a brilliant day. In front of me was a forest of Magnolia trees (a strong will and resolve to make changes in life when needed). When I noticed them I felt giddy with glee.

As I flew among the trees I saw that the dreary, rainy skies were all around me but I was left untouched inside my bubble of light. I remember thinking the rain and dreariness would surely get me, but my bubble of light remained and I took thrill in this.

Then a force began to pull me upward. I surrendered to it, allowing myself to be pulled upward with greater and greater speed. My eyes automatically closed but every once in a while I would peek out and I would see those Magnolia trees below me. I smiled and then shifted back into my body.

Message: Go to Florida

When I shifted back to my body I remained in the in-between as I thought of the OBE I had just had. My memory here is faded, though. I know I went back OOB but I don’t remember anything about it except talking to someone and being told, “Go to Florida.”

When I woke I struggled to remember the song I had been singing in my OBE. For some reason the song, A Whole New World was in my head, but I know that was not the song. The section of the song that was repeating, “I can show you the world….let me share this whole new world with you.”

I am not sure what the message about Florida is all about. lol It felt like when the opportunity arises I should go, whenever – if ever – that is.

Overall, a nice OBE if not a little odd. 🙂