Tag Archives: healing

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Cleansing Dreams and June 13th Message

Experiencing the drowsiness upon waking again. I must need the sleep.

Dream: Penguins

The dream began with me standing on a beach. The water was clear like a swimming pool. The waves came in slowly and rhythmically.

Suddenly, a flock are very large, gray birds swooped in and landed in the water. They had with them their young and as I watched the birds all began to resemble penguins. I yelled to my son who was with me, “Look! They must prefer this water because it is so calm and clear!” I watched them for a while, fascinated.

Then my daughter came running from around the side of the water. She was yelling and waving her arms to tell me she was there. I immediately motioned for her to stop. I didn’t want her to scare away the penguins. She didn’t stop and the water began to foam and the waves crashed into the beach, all previous rhythm lost. The penguins remained but I could not longer see them clearly through the foamy water. Eventually they retreated too deep to see.

I entered the water to get a better look and ran into a young man who was wading through the water. He saw me and said, “I know you!” Then he lovingly grabbed me around the waist and tossed me very high into the air as if I was a tiny child. I could feel the sensation of falling back down.

Dream: It’s Okay to Cry

Then the scene shifted and I was walking into a bathroom (cleansing and renewal). An older man was with me. His hair almost completely gray but his face indicating he was much younger. He was smiling and I knew he was the man from the water. He said, “Have you met my family? This is…..” and he went on to introduce different members as he walked past me into the bathroom.

Then I was inside the bathroom heading toward a stall. It was locked and I asked loudly if they were always locked. Someone called out, “Just open one.” I approached a stall and as I reached to open it, it opened and a woman came out grumbling about not being able to poop because of some medicine she was taking.

As the woman walked past me I looked more closely. She was covered from head to toe in white towels (protection). Where her skin was exposed it was red and raw as if it had peeled off. For some reason I knew she had cancer. I stopped her to ask her if she needed a hug. She turned and looked at me and said she didn’t, that she was okay. I said, “Come on. Hugs are good.” She came close and was talking, making excuses for this or that and making little sense. I wrapped my arms around her and gently pulled her toward me, hugging her close. She kept talking about things I can’t recall now. I could feel the thick towels and worried I would hurt her raw skin but I kept hugging her saying, “It’s okay to cry.”

Eventually the woman began to relax and emotion was evident in her voice. I only recall that I kept encouraging her to cry and continued to hug her close to me. The more emotion I felt from her, the more emotion I exhibited. Eventually I was sobbing as I was saying, “It’s okay to cry.”

Another woman walked into the bathroom and interrupted us. The women wrapped in the towels thanked me and left. I turned back to the stall she had been in and entered it. Inside there was no toilet, just a small hole in the ground. Used toilet paper surrounded the hole and it was quite dirty.

The women who interrupted us was waiting for me as I exited the stall. She resembled someone I went to high school with who was very tall – 6ft. The woman spoke to me about the women wearing the towel. I can’t recall what we talked about but whatever it was sent me back to the moment I was hugging the women and I began to sob. The emotion and tears woke me up.

It took me a while to get myself together. The emotion felt cleansing so I allowed it. The whole dream sequence felt cleansing.

A song kept coming into my head. The lyrics, “Wait if I’m on fire, how am I so deep in love? When I dream of dying I never feel so loved.”

Considerations

I slept for about 10 hours and when I woke I wanted to sleep 10 more. My body felt so relaxed and free from pain and I kept shifting in and out of the in-between.

I remember thinking about the part of the lyrics, “When I dream of dying…”, and thinking, “Funny, but I rarely dream of dying.” For some reason I kept thinking I might die soon but I was not concerned about it. It was just a passing thought that really didn’t feel to be mine.

There was a brief consideration about what would happen when I did. It seemed that my dreams would become my reality and there would be no more physical reality to interrupt them. I liked the idea and remember listing out all the things I hate about being in physical reality. I said, “It’s so heavy here. I hate feeling heavy all the time. I won’t miss that one bit. I hate having a body. I hate having to eat, to drink, to use the restroom.” Then I thought some more and said, “It’s not the body I hate really. I like this body. I just don’t like the survival part. I really hate surviving.”

I had a distinct feeling of what surviving feels like. It is a constant fear of the alternative – death – that is always there. Even when I am well-off, when I have all I could ever need, the feeling is still there, looming in the distance, reminding me that at any moment I could lose it all and be back in a position of scrambling to avoid death. And all the feelings that accompany the downward spiral toward death are feared – pain, despair, hopelessness, abandonment, hunger, starvation, cravings, and feelings I don’t even have words for – all the ways the body degrades as it heads toward inevitable death.

As I mull over all of this now, I wonder if I was being shown why I often ask for death when I am feeling tired and worn down by life. Death is an end to survival and to be free of survival and all that comes with it would be glorious.

June 13th

Though I haven’t written about this yet, I have had several dreams and incidents relating to this date. The first dream was on May 24th. In it I was with a man who I was dating in secret. We ended up at a ceremony inside a chapel where a huge bonfire was set. The dream ended with us playing a board game and saying our goodbyes. He left saying, “See you in three weeks.”

A week later or so I had another dream where I was having a conversation with my SIL. In it she said I had told her June 13th would be when something would happen. I can’t recall exactly what I told her. All I woke remembering was the date.

At work the next day I was thinking about the date. It felt familiar but I couldn’t figure out when I had heard it or why. As I sat at my desk I saw a flier I had been given a week prior. The date on it was June 13th. It is the date of a pool party being held for all the employees.

Still, it was odd and I couldn’t help but think of the message, “See you in three weeks.” The time frame matched up almost perfectly.

Then on Friday the same flier was sitting on my desk. I scanned over the date on it while in a bored state and read it silently to myself but rather than read what was actually there – “Thurs June 13” – I heard myself read, “Thumbs up.” At the time I was not fully aware of it happening until the “thumbs up” message seemed to repeat. Then I shocked back into present time and thought, “What?” and re-read the flier to make sure I was not seeing things.

So I guess I will see what happens on that day. Maybe nothing at all.

Penguins

The above dream is the second dream I’ve had in a week about penguins and clear, relaxing water.

On the same day I had the dream about June 13th (the one with my SIL) I had a dream about miniature penguins.

I had a dream of going on a trip to an island full of tiny, black and white birds that reminded me of miniature penguins (problems are not as big as they seem, keep you cool). I was on a boat (emotion) looking down in the clear, aqua-blue water (clarity) as they swam in the wake. I put my hand in and touched one. I was fascinated. They were about six inches long.

On the island I took pictures of them. They were everywhere and I had one of those Kodak disposable cameras.

The penguin dream I had last night was of much larger penguins and their babies. Again, I was fascinated by them and my memory of the dream was as if everything slowed as I focused in on them.

Penguins are not creatures I normally see in my dreams. I can’t remember ever seeing them before. They symbolize change, adapting to change, expecting the unexpected and solving problems in unconventional ways. For more information about penguin symbolism check out this website.

 

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Hello Insomnia, My Old Friend

For the past week I’ve been struggling to get to sleep at night. I’ll go two or three days with four or so hours of sleep and then, exhausted, sleep a full 8 hours or more. Then it starts all over again. Last night I was not able to fall asleep until past midnight despite going to bed around 10pm.

I’ve not been able to specifically pinpoint the reason for the insomnia yet. My mind isn’t overly active and, despite initial upset the first few times I experienced the insomnia, I am pretty relaxed and unconcerned about the lack of sleep. But even my body doesn’t feel tired. I am just AWAKE.

My best guess is that the insomnia is linked to the man I mentioned in a previous post, the one I connected with last August who just recently reconnected with me. We have been communicating daily since around April 7th. We are very tuned into each others energy and as a result I think my sleep cycle has been impacted by his. He tends to stay up late into the night working.

Last night, finding myself wide awake yet again, I decided to use the time to meditate. At first this proved difficult so I began to work with my energy. I began moving it from crown to feet and then cycling it back through over and over. Eventually I changed direction, moving my energy from feet to crown and back again. Throughout I focused on my third-eye and touched my tongue to the roof of my mouth as I breathed deeply, inhaling as the energy moved through my body and exhaling as it reached the top/bottom.

Hypnagogia and Short OBEs

With all the meditating and energy work, it is no surprise that the next thing I recall is an odd dream where I was walking along a creek looking at a creature I can’t recall. Something about the dream spiked my lucidity and the scene was replaced by very vivid and colorful hypnagogia (3D, movie-like moving patterns and shapes behind closed eyes). This hypnagogia reminded me of the Flower of Life except the circles that composed it rarely overlapped. The circles were various colors, all pastels and identical to the chakra colors. Each colored circle was spaced equidistant from the others, separated by numerous circles with no color. The entire image moved and breathed behind my closed eyes, seeming to flow along with my energy field which was vibrating quite noticeably.

There was a strong sense that this hypnagogia was different than other times I’ve experienced it. It seemed I was being given the opportunity to heal myself somehow. Yet, I did not recognized this straight away. Instead, I shifted OOB. It was seamless, as if I breathed myself out of my body.

I found myself in an unfamiliar house. A man was with me. I remember seeing him in front of me walking but all I recall of his form was that he was pale white, like ethereal; ghost-like. He was very obviously someone I knew because I felt connected to him, like he was friend or family.

The house we were in was as odd as he was. It seemed composed of walls but the walls were without substance. Yet they were dark and seemed solid. It was like we were inside a hologram of some sort. I could see through the walls if I chose and when I did they appeared to waver and shimmer.

I recall holding the man’s hand and then stopping and turning back. Memory of the hypnagogia came to mind and I knew that I needed to get back to that state. That I needed to take advantage of the opportunity to heal myself.

I let go of the man’s hand and shifted back into my body. I remember thinking about my heart charka as I did this, as if I knew healing was needed there.

As I returned, I was enveloped by the hypnagogia. It’s pulsating, breathing, warm energy/vibration wrapped around me. It was as if I became the hypnagogia and through it I began to be shown areas of my body that needed my attention. I recall talking to someone – a teacher I suppose. He asked me to listen to the energy, to observe and let it show me what I needed to see. The observation here was without sight. It was a feeling sense more than anything. I felt the vibrations at first all over. They seemed consistent but upon further inspection I noticed a distinct difference between the left and right sides of my body. The left side was stronger with “hot” spots. The most noticeable hot spots were just above my left hip and around the left side of my chest/heart area.

I remember hearing the voice asking me to look at the “petals” but I do not recall what happened next. There is a flash of memory of a flower, like a lotus, but that is all.

Dream – Tapping Into The Collective 

I woke briefly after that, returned to my meditation and finally drifted off to sleep.

There were many dreams from the night but one in particular woke me. It is hard to recall the specifics now because I was so tired and sleeping quite deeply. What I do recall is observing a scene. In the middle of a floor in a dark room were many figures made of clay. Each one about a foot or less in height. These figures were of people. A faceless person was standing over the figures. The person began to slowly and deliberately step on a figure until it was crushed. Then the person would go on to the next. And the next. And the next. As the person continued to step on the figures I heard someone ask, “How long will this be allowed to continue? Won’t you do something about it?” I then heard this woman call out, “Stop! Will no one stop it!”

There was with this voice an anguish and as I tuned into the emotion a full picture came to mind. I knew each figurine represented a person who was born with a physical or mental defect of some sort. Then each of the clay figures became a person with a story all their own. And all at once I knew their stories. All of them.

Suddenly I was the one crying out for someone to help them. My heart felt to be ripped out of my chest. As my dream self fell into a heap on the floor, I fell into my body as if pulled down by a heavy weight. Then that weight poured out of me in waves of despair.

As I woke and wiped away the tears, I felt a bit stunned. The emotion quickly faded but the memory of it was strong. Here I was experiencing something I had before. It seemed like I somehow tuned into a group of individuals and their Story. Just like in the past I had tuned into other groups – Native Americans and the Autistic – I must have tapped into the collective somehow, taking on the experiences of all those born less than perfect into this harsh world.

Then I remembered that prior to all his I had been shown the area of my heart as a place that needed attention. And I had gone to sleep focused on that area….

I could not sleep after that so I lingered in the in-between for at least an hour. I could feel energy in my body, moving along the left side primarily. My left kidney developed a sharp pain that briefly alarmed me, but it passed very quickly and I could feel the energy move up toward my heart. There is sat, pooling on the left side but there was no discomfort.

As I type this post there is a strong, almost hot energy encircling my throat. The healing continues…

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Intense Kundalini Healing

Tomorrow is the funeral for the man who set himself on fire in our old family home. My husband wants to attend but I have mixed feelings. Mainly I am hesitant because I don’t like funerals and didn’t know the man very well. However, I have also had a sense that this man is hanging around just outside my energy field. There comes with this sense thoughts of the fire, of him, of the circumstances of his death, etc.

Last night, in fact, he was close enough that I recognized him and heard him asking me to help him communicate with his wife because “she is in so much pain.” I told him I didn’t think it would help her at this time, especially if she is not seeking it.

He wouldn’t go away and I began to feel very concerned because his energy made me feel strange. He was telling me that he did not deserve what “heaven” had to offer him and I tried to tell him he did deserve it. I enveloped him in white light and he tried to resist it but eventually he allowed himself to experience some of it. I told him to be at peace he needed to accept the light. He thanked me but did not leave. I don’t think he is earth bound, at least not in the sense that some who pass become, but he could be at risk for it if he continues to reject the light.

Some of my dreams of late have been indicating that the use of my spiritual abilities will come up for inspection. Mediumship has been the most frequent sign from the Universe. Not only have I sensed the man but have also been asked in a FB group many questions about my gifts lately. With all the other strange things happening to me, I find that I have an illogical fear connected to tapping into my gifts again. I fear it getting out of control for some reason.

Anxiety Again

I had a really strange bout of anxiety a couple of mornings ago. It was the day I had two OBE’s (last post) and did not get much sleep. The coffee I drank was stronger than usual and made me feel loopy and fatigued. It reminded me of the jet lag only not as severe.

I did research on caffeine sensitivity and I have about every symptom listed. As a person gets older their sensitivity to caffeine can increase to the point of intolerance. The Kundalini also can make a person intolerant of stimulants like caffeine.

So, I decided to go back to half-decaf and wean myself off coffee. At this point it is the only thing I can do to exert some control. Hopefully it will lessen this very “wide open” feeling I’ve been having for a while now.

Kundalini

Along with all of the above the Kundalini has become more active again. Last night it awakened me in the middle of the night. It was not the bliss kind of Kundalini this time. Instead it was intense energetic healing to my sacral and solar plexus chakras. It was so strong that I often found myself holding my breath at times.

At one point the energy was very noticeable along my left side. It felt like it was following a channel up the left side of my spine. It spread all the way to the top of my head and the tips of my toes.

The energy lasted for much longer than I wanted and I finally told my guidance I was too tired and to tone it down so I could go back to sleep. They did as I asked.

Concerns

I have been feeling “off” and this has been going on for quite a while now. My dreams lately cause me to think I am interacting with different timelines. I often wake up confused or have periods of amnesia both within my dream and after I wake. The dream snippets I recall usually have multiples of the same person or are of me selecting specific paths to view the outcome.

My husband leaves on business travel next Wednesday for an unknown period of time. This worries me a bit because the last time he was gone I had so many panic episodes. As it is, I am sometimes feeling like I am barely hanging on to my sanity. I pray that it all settles down soon.

 

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Unexpected Shake Up

Yesterday was my son’s 5th birthday. Though we already celebrated last weekend, I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday. He said he wanted to eat cupcakes and after I provided him with ideas said he wanted to go to the “jump-o-line” place. So, that is what we did.

We had a great time but afterwards my children got hungry so we stopped to get some food. In the car my husband noticed my mom had left him a voicemail so he put it on speaker phone and played the message.

We thought it would be a “happy birthday” message. It wasn’t.

She told us that the husband of the couple who had purchased our old house had locked himself in the master bedroom closet and set himself on fire.

He had PTSD. My mom said he had “episodes” in the past, but I am not sure what the others entailed. His wife was a counselor so managed the best she could. Unfortunately, she could not handle him.

My daughter immediately burst into tears. She was inconsolable for about 15 minutes.

My heart sank. I could not believe what I heard.

The rest of the evening was colored by the news. My husband drove out to our place to take a look. The wife of the couple was in a hotel with their dogs. In shock. So, he was able to look at the damage. The entire upstairs (an add-on we completed in early 2011) that included the master bedroom, closet, master bath and a second bedroom, was destroyed. The roof above the closet where he had set himself on fire had a gaping hole in it. The severest damage was located there.

The downstairs was completely untouched.

I was at first upset about the house but that quickly shifted to being upset about the whole situation, especially the fact that he had felt so much pain that dousing himself with gasoline and setting himself on fire was preferable. I imagined the experience from his point of view and his wife’s.

His wife was present when he did it and likely had to listen to his screams until they stopped and then had to wait for the fire department listening to the silence, an ever-present reminder that her husband was dead, while watching her house burn in front of her.

I can’t even imagine the husband’s point of view. However, I contacted him in Spirit to check on him. His guides came forward first but then he did. He was beside himself with upset over what he had done. He is worried about his wife and the devastation he caused. He kept saying, “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

He is lingering at the house where he died. He will likely stay there a while, watching his wife and going through the healing he was never able to complete while in his body.

I don’t know whether she will rebuild. It she does I can’t imagine she will still live there, sleeping in the master bedroom next to the closet where her husband killed himself. Could you do that? I couldn’t.

If she decides to rebuild and sell she has to disclose that someone died there. I don’t know how successful she will be at selling the place.

It’s all very sad and I can’t shake the feeling that I knew it was going to happen because…I did, just not like it did.

When I use to live there I had visions of the house catching on fire, specifically the upstairs. I could never figure out why.

I had a dream last summer about a fire. I called my mom to check on her because in the dream it was her house on fire. I told her about my dream but then nothing happened so I let it go. I am thinking now it was a warning, just came out in the dream as my childhood home.

When the couple bought our house I told my husband, “They will only last about four years.” I thought they would divorce and sell the house. They almost did – last summer (around the time of my dream!) but then reconciled. Turns out the split happened anyway. 4.5 years after they bought our home.

It is almost like it was fated that they be apart one way or the other.

It is unsettling. I feel unsettled.

In the last month I have lost three people I knew in this life. None I was very close to but they were close enough to have an effect. The first was my coworker. Cancer. The second was someone I knew for many years. Cancer. And now this.

Three people in a month. WTF?

It took me a while to fall asleep last night as you can image. My guidance warned me, “Don’t over empathize.” I tried not to. At first I did and it was causing me to experience quite a bit of upset. So, I focused on the good parts of the day, my son and my family. It worked.

Dream: Six Month Stay

The dream begins in a house (Self). The coloring I recall the most is of gold, yellow and white (spiritual). Everything feels new and unfamiliar. I am a bit nervous because I have just moved in (could be indicating new chapter in life).

The members of the group I am living with vary in age. In the kitchen I recall a woman who reminds me of someone at work. There are others but she is the only one I recall specifically.

My best friend (aspect of self) from high school happens to live in the home, too. I remember discussing how I came to be there. Our benefactor/boss/father/teacher (not sure which for he felt like them all) was brought up frequently. It felt like he placed me and the others in the house. We had to sign a six month lease. I recall seeing my contract and signature and knowing the way it worked.

He (the benefactor) provided room and board, so food was rationed out. In the kitchen there were large bags of provisions that were to be split among the residents. I was told that I would get my share every month. I noticed one bag was full of rice but it shifted and looked more like hashbrowns (longing for Home). I told the lady I did not eat hashbrowns and would donate my portion. I told her I like potatoes whole (difficulties over short period of time) as well as lots of vegetables. I saw someone was preparing veggies and wondered if they had to buy their own. It felt like they did.

I was shown my room, which was located on the right after entering the hallway. My room was neat and nice but I remember sitting inside feeling homesick. I could not imagine living there for so long and began to get desperate to leave. I talked to my friend about it, saying I would prefer to go live at home. She reminded me of the six month lease I signed and I said, “I will pay the lease but live at home. I don’t want to stay here.” In my mind I was imagining the feel of home – safe, secure, warm and curled up in my bed.

Ultimately, I could not leave and had to go about my “work” which included going to class. Class consisted of sitting in a darkened room and staring up at screens. Questions would appear on the screen to be answered. There was another person in the room on my right, also in a chair. The other person was my friend. As the questions came up we had to answer almost like a quiz show, as if we were in competition, but we weren’t. Our answers would be scored and a score would show on the screen. One of my answers was incorrect and a voice from nowhere corrected me. Then the score showed and my grade was 76% while my friend’s was 90%.

My friend was stressing over being behind in her work. She had not been doing her assignments and I knew it was because she was dyslexic and had not told anymore. I asked if she wanted my help and she agreed.

Afterward we went back to our rooms but I could not remember where mine was. I went into a room I thought was mine but it was very different – messy, cramped and masculine. I left quickly trying not to be noticed and went to my friend’s room to help her with her assignment. I would read it aloud so she could get it done faster.

Then I went to another class with mostly male classmates. We sat in a circle in a library (wisdom, knowledge). I felt very out of place and my classmates were unfamiliar. I don’t recall a teacher. I listened as they spoke of spirits and I interrupted asking if they wanted to talk to them. Curious they listened and I told them of two who were there.

Considerations

When I woke the song that was on my mind yesterday was there again, only this time I heard, “Let’em say we’re crazy, what do they know?”

My guess is that part of the song is referring to the man who set himself on fire and how “crazy” it was. Or it could be something else…But the song is back.

My dream was very vivid, especially the longing for Home and the sense that I had to endure another six months in an unfamiliar place, learning lessons and doing my “work”. I don’t know if the time frame is significant or not yet. We’ll see I guess.

Overall, I can’t kick the feeling that something is “up”. The saying, “Change is in the air” feels applicable. I am still very bothered by what happened in my old house and can’t get it out of my mind. It is difficult not to think of this reality as harsh and unforgiving when things like that happen. But mostly I am sad because he could have been helped and now all that is left is the pain of his sudden passing and the devastation it is causing to his family and loved ones. His poor mother. His poor wife. 😦

 

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Diventar

Another full night of dreams.

Dream: Death of a Father

I only recall the ending of this dream.

There was a river flooding but it was contained in a channel. I watched as workers sifted through the sludge. I was asking questions about the process. They called it “rafting” I think and I did not understand the word as I had never heard of it. It seemed the process consisted of taking an object across the water’s surface to clean it.

The water was choppy and rough. The color was brownish like sludge. Yet it was contained and no one seemed concerned about it.

A young woman was with me. She was Steve Irwin’s daughter. We were talking about her Dad’s death and how she wished she had known him better. I don’t remember the specific words now but at some point I empathized so much with her that I began to feel her grief. Tears poured out of my eyes. I could feel them on my physical body’s cheeks but this did not wake me. At the same time I remember holding a large, white pillow in my arms and squeezing it close to me for comfort.

At this point I became lucid. I had awareness of myself within the dream, my physical body and of being in the in-between. A conversation was taking place between myself and a guide about a decision I had made the night before about putting my children first no matter what.

The dream consisted of me watching video footage I had taken of my father when he was alive (I never did this in real life). I was playing it for my sister and explaining what it was. There was footage of him in San Francisco. There was also a movie I recorded as a reminder of him. There was more footage of various times near the ocean. I saw three large fish, like dolphins, walking on their tail fins toward the water. It was the oddest sight to see them walking and holding fins as if human.

As the video footage ended I remember thinking, “I should have taken more video.” Yet I knew no amount of video would have been enough.

While reviewing the video I was being asked probing questions about my decision to put my children first, even over my own wants/desires. The guide was asking me why I decided this. I told him I wanted their memories of their childhood to be good ones, for them to remember their parents as a team. I had resolved to just agree with my husband even when I did not if it was in front of the children. I had decided to give them as much of what they wanted as I could. I had decided that my desires lately have been selfish and to put them aside for my children. My guidance asked how well I thought I would provide all this for my children if I was unhappy. I told him, “Leave me alone.” lol

This brought me to full awareness. I opened my still wet eyes and wondered about the dream. The newness of my tears confused me because it seemed like much time had passed since I cried in my dream.

I fell into the in-between after that.

Messages

There is memory of being asked what I wanted. I remember telling my guidance what I have told them countless times. They asked me to reconsider reaching out to my physical counterpart. I told them I would not and to stop pushing me as I wondered why he was coming into my thoughts again after such a long time. I knew he had been “calling” me for the past few months. I remember wondering “why” again about the whole experience regarding him and feeling very discouraged.

That is when I received a vision of a hand-written letter. It was folded horizontally in half. I knew it was a thank you letter. I opened it and read it:

It’s been a difficult experience working with the team.

Thank you.

This was unexpected and brought me out of my reverie. I opened my eyes, reminded myself of what I said to remember it, and then closed my eyes again.

Then I heard:

You will experience unexpected love in three days.

I opened my eyes again, repeated it to myself and then closed my eyes. I tried not to think of what the message could mean.

Immediately I saw myself sitting in a wooden chair in the middle of an empty room. Ropes bound me to the chair. I watched as a pile of pillows was stacked around me like a barricade. I remember thinking, “I am bound but protected.”

Then I heard myself talking to a man wearing a sweatshirt, his face hidden by the hood. I was speaking in another language. I recall saying the word “diventar”. I opened my eyes immediately because it was so audible. I thought to my guidance, “Enough! I’m tired.” But after that I could not return to sleep. All the messages were cycling round and round my mind.

I Googled the word I said: Diventar  –  Italian, “to become”.

Considerations and Interpretation

I am mostly writing all this down to document it. It does me no good to try and analyze it all.

The dream is an odd one. I do not know why I dreamed of Steve Irwin of all people. Perhaps he was symbolic of my experience with my own father? Or maybe he represents my husband as a father to our children? Either way I felt loss and the dream later shifted to me trying to capture memories of my own father, but the memories were dream memories.

The flooded river of murky water being sifted through is most definitely me looking at and sifting through my muddy emotions. These emotions are contained and present no threat, but must me sifted through to find clarity.

The dolphin family was very unexpected. Dolphins can represent many different things but in this context it likely represents expression of emotion and spiritual guidance. It can also indicate future experiences containing joy and connection with others.

The whole experience of being in three places at once and having awareness of all three was a new one, but it did not feel out of the ordinary. My guidance was trying to get me to reconsider giving up things I desire/want for myself to create what I consider an ideal scene for my children.

I suppose the question remains: What would make my children most happy? A happy me? Or a me giving them a pretense of family happiness and togetherness? I look at my own childhood, broken by a bitter divorce when I was 8 years old, and I think, “I never want my children to go through that.” Sadly, I never got a mom and dad who loved and supported each other. I got fights, bitter arguments and parents who used me and my sisters to get back at each other.

The thank you message was nice, I suppose, but it didn’t help me feel better. Seeing myself bound to a chair surrounded by pillows was not very encouraging either.

Pillow can represent support. The pile of pillows around me was so high I could not see over it if I tried. So many pillows could mean a lack of awareness or that I am surrounding myself with comfort.

Being bound is more literal. I am bound to a situation. The chair represents the situation. It was not a comfortable chair, so not a comfortable situation.

Diventar likely is just an indication that I am becoming something; transformation.

 

 

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A Return to “Normal” and Dream: Rattlesnake

It seems the past month or so was another lifetime to me now. It is so odd how different I feel. I suppose it was like my guidance said to me – “Welcome back” – in that I must have fallen into the darkness of my shadow self for a while, or something like that. I really do not wish to return there but I understand the purpose behind it and know that to resist it is not in my best interest.

Only recently has my guidance been more communicative and close, lending me their support and wrapping me in energy hugs. Song messages are returning as is nightly reassurance. This morning the song Right Here Waiting was prominent.

Dreamtime is becoming more active now as well, which is nice. I feel incomplete without my dream adventures, even if they are normal dreams and nothing exceptional. My dreams connect me with a part of myself that can be hard to contact during my waking hours. It gives me a glimpse into another world, one much more interesting and exciting than the physical world.

Recently, when connecting to my guidance, I perceived the other world I enter when talking with them. I can’t see it with my physical eyes. It is only darkness behind my eyelids. Yet when I look with my psychic sight I can see so much, only it is not bright and colorful as it would be in the astral. It is all shadows and seemingly imagination. I wished to see behind closed eyes like I see when I am exploring the astral realms and asked if it was possible while awake and fully conscious of this physical world and body. I heard that it was. Conceiving of such a thing is difficult for me, but what an amazing gift it would be!

I was reminded that belief determines the limitations of human existence.

Lately I feel a heart expansion is on the horizon. When, I can’t say, but I sense it and have had the Knowing many times over the past month or so, even when visiting that shadow part of myself. Somehow the diving into the shadow was related to this next opening. There is also a thorough discussion of my concurrent attraction and fear of desire going on behind the scenes. I am being asked to observe and explore the reasons behind this phenomenon.

At present my best understanding is that I am fighting a belief that desire is inherently “evil” or “bad” because it causes one to do, say, think things that lead to upset in their lives. Yet my individual experiences so far have shown me another side to desire, one that allows a glimpse into Self and to an expansiveness beyond the limitations of this existence. There is such curiosity in me to explore this part of myself that when I feel desire taking over I fall immediately into this space and bask in – I want to say “glory” of it.

So there are two parts of me at “war”. One clings to safety and sameness. She resists the call of desire for fear of the change that she believes will result. Then there is the me who feels to be dying from too much sameness and security, hears the call of desire and wants desperately to lose herself to it.

At this point I don’t know which one is better or worse or if to categorize them is the right thing. My best guess is to somehow find a balance between them, but even that feels wrong. Really, what feels right is that this is a process that will sort itself on its own without me having to do anything in particular but allow and fully experiences both sides of the coin (of me).

It’s the path of no resistance, of allowance and surrender that I must take.

My life will reflect back at me my progress. (ouch that one hurt)

The first thought I have is of my marriage and how, no matter what I try, my husband refuses to budge and insists that the best place for us is together.

Then I see my job and how smoothly that is going because I came to a decision about what I wanted and allowed it to be given, even if it was not where my human mind consider would be a good fit for me. Tossed expectation completely and just waited for my intent to manifest however the Universe decided to give it. Trusting fully that it would be what was best for me.

So, it is suggested I do the same with my marriage/relationship path.

That means to continue to focus on what I want and allow the Universe to give it. This means tossing expectation and trusting the Universe to provide.

However, with my career path I exited that which was unwanted and waited in a space of nothingness until what I wanted was given. I’m not sure I can exit the unwanted so easily this time around. Yet an exit was provided with career. I expressed what was needed for an exit to the Universe and it was provided.

Yes, it took time, but it happened as I requested/intended. No, I didn’t do it consciously for the most part. Imagine what can happen if I do it consciously….

Time and belief are the obstacles. Time in that it seems never-ending yet at the same time to be ticking away. Belief in that inner “war” I mentioned above.

I still have so many questions regarding this process but if I did it regarding career then I guess I an do it in other areas, right?

Dream: Giant Rattlesnake 

The dream began with me visiting an old school I use to work at. I wanted to see how things had changed. I walked through the halls and found stairs that were not there previously. These stairs connected the grade levels. I walked through the levels using the stairs and entered a 5th grade classroom where the students were being prepared for a test. I walked across the hall to another classroom. The students were not there yet and I looked around at their desks. The teacher then entered and we spoke. There was this general friendliness and acceptance of me from them which was refreshing.

The teacher talked to the students about the test and I gave them encouragement. There was a sense that these kids were extremely intelligent and being prepped for advanced levels. As they formed testing groups, I left via the back door.

The entire time I was talking to someone about what I was seeing. I never saw him, though.

Outside I walked around a courtyard that was greening up from Spring. As I walked across the grass something moved and I jumped. It was a large rattlesnake and it slithered quickly away. I turned and yelled, “Snake! Get all the kids inside!!” A man wearing a maintenance uniform went after the snake with a stick. The snake turned toward him to defend itself. As it turned it morphed into a monstrous thing that resembled a dragon mixed with an eel. It was bright green and long with a brown dorsal fin. It’s head was enormous and when it opened its mouth rows of sharp teeth were visible. Yet it only got as tall as a large dog. The man stabbed the creature in the head over and over again until it was dead.

I thanked the man and he smiled and told me, “You’re welcome. Just doing my job.”

We conversed for a while. He was the maintenance man for the school and had been 20 years on the job. I told him I use to work there and he might remember me. He said he did.

His appearance was not familiar to me. He was tall, with light hair and a nice smile. He looked to be in his mid-40’s or maybe 50’s. His waistline was widening with age and he was wearing a gray-blue uniform.

I remember sensing his energy and his interest in me. My reply to this was that he was too old for me. lol I don’t think he took it personally, though, it was like we conversed via our energy as well as with words.

Interpretation

Based upon some other dreams from the night, this dream is about my issues with desire (Kundalini) and wanting help handling what I consider something that can easily get out of control. Thus the rattlesnake turning into a crazy, monstrous eel-dragon creature. The other dreams from last indicate I am also afraid of having no desire, of feeling unable to contact the feeling and being numb. The Kundalini dream is connected to the teacher/counselor version of myself and the other dreams of fearing no desire are linked to my mother role.

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Dreams as Answers

I’m feeling more and more like myself again, which is a relief. Yesterday morning, in fact, I could barely contain the love and joy I felt just to be alive. It was refreshing and much needed.

Mondays and Tuesdays tend to be the better part of my week because I get to work from home while tending to my youngest. The days are mostly quiet and productive, my son is at his best because he gets one-on-one time with mommy, and I get some much needed me time (kinda). My mornings are slower and I can take my time, have my coffee, exercise or whatever. Work is a breeze and, though not enjoyable really, the repetition and lack of stress in my work is comforting in a way. It is just what I asked for and I continue to remind myself of just how blessed I am.

Speaking of work, I got a $1/ hour raise after only working there for 6 months. My husband and his brother both leaked to me that the boss wants me to take over the job of my late coworker, the one who recently passed from cancer. Though my husband pressed her to put me on salary, she told him not yet as she has a “plan” in mind to gradually ease me into the job so that I am more open to taking on the higher responsibility. She knows I am not keen on doing all the accounting my predecessor did and will likely turn down the promotion if offered (she is right). However, the promotion would entitle me to making nearly as much as I would have had I opted to stay in the education system but with all the pros I have mentioned in past posts (working from home the big one). Something to chew on….

Sadly, I continue to struggle with boredom, especially in the evening hours and I am not really motivated to do anything about it. Usually I would focus on spiritual practices but even these do not appeal to me right now. Surprisingly, I had some very in-depth and memorable dreams.

Dream: Time Change

The first part of the dream was spent talking with a man who felt to be my friend and associate/coworker. The discussion we were having was odd and is hard to recall now. I remember talking about an unexpected time change. The time change was like what happens during daylight savings only this time change was much more dramatic and caused by the position of the earth and the sun. The time change was causing much dis-ease because people’s bodies were not adjusting well. The change in time was so severe that to look up at the sun to judge what time it was would not work. I remember saying, “At noon the sun will not be right above our heads anymore.” The time change was around 8 hours and another four was anticipated.

The discussion then involved the planets. I explained to the man that we had to cycle through each planet to become whole. The description of how this worked was very detailed in the dream and at times it felt like the man was telling me, rather than me telling him. I mostly recall the visuals of this discussion. I saw the planets as if from above from a distance as they circled the sun. They were moving very fast so that their orbits were shown as blurs behind them. Each planet represented a part of the whole person somehow and eventually they would join to become whole. Every person contained all the planets within them.

It all made perfect sense in the dream but now I am confused by it, the visuals especially.

The next thing I recall I am helping others with preparation for the next time change of four hours. We were with a group of school children in a classroom helping the children prepare by getting them to rest. Someone said, “It’s 7:15pm” but outside the sun was high up in the sky.

Dream: Navigating Home

Then I was in a car. I was in the back seat laying down. The driver dropped off the person in the front passenger seat at a school. I recall being inside and walking toward the front office with several “students” who resembled kids I use to teach at the alternative school. Each of us was given paperwork and then seated at a desk. I watched as two male students began to fill out the forms. One was given a job straight away. The other sat and interviewed for a position. He was asked about his math scores and he said, “59.” The interviewer said, “Sorry. That won’t do.” The student begged him to reconsider and I thought about vouching for the boy by saying I was his counselor, but then reconsidered. It felt like if I did vouch for him that I would be taking on more than I could handle.

Then I was back in the back seat of the car. The driver said to me, “You’re the navigator now.” Feeling a little nervous, I got out my phone and began to try and get directions to my home. The driver asked, “Which way?” We were turning out of the parking lot and I said, “Right. We need to go right.” As he drove I continued to try to get the app to work but the address of “home” kept changing. I recall seeing odd addresses, one was in Fairbanks, AK.

I could see our path on the map on my phone. We were driving in the middle of a vast city. It felt like Dallas and I kept looking for I-35 but couldn’t find it anywhere. I kept tying in, “Home”, but the program was sending us to places I didn’t recognize as home. The path we drove seemed to go on and on into the unknown. It made me feel hopeless but the driver wasn’t concerned and just kept driving.

Dream: Church

The dream shifted and I was waiting in line with my mom and sister at a church. I was a bit confused at first because I didn’t know how I got there and didn’t understand why we had to wait in line. The church had all visitors get passes to come inside and it was a lengthy, time consuming process. I wondered, “Why don’t we just become members?”

An elder walked up to me and told me to come with him. He guided me into the main room. The ceiling was very high up with large beams across it strung with large chandeliers. There were rows and rows of pews with people sitting and talking quietly as they waited on the service to start. The man told me I was to join my mom and we looked for her. I spotted her across from us and pointed her out. She waved at us and I recall she looked very happy. The man nodded and then asked me to lay down on the pew to my right. I gladly did so and almost immediately fell asleep.

At this point the dream becomes semi-lucid as I slip in and out of sleep. I felt a heaviness as I struggled to wake up. Once when I did wake I saw the entire church was empty. I remembered the dream about the time change and planets. For some reason the dream triggered me and I began to cry. I felt so hopeless and homesick and tired. I remember hearing that I needed to rest and this upset me because I wanted to keep going.

I woke up with a few tears in my eyes thinking it unfair that I had to rest and heal yet again. It seems I am always resting and/or healing!

Dream: Kimberly

I fell back to sleep briefly. I became aware of being in my mom’s house standing in front of my sister’s old bedroom. The door was closed and I was told not to go inside but I needed something that was in there – a de-humidifier. I opened the door and saw it sitting by the bed. I also saw two dogs and noticed the carpets and entire room were wet. I closed the door before a dog got out but then decided to just go inside and get what I came for. When I did, the dogs jumped all over me. The carpet was moist and the entire room clean and somewhat damp. I realized my sister must have cleaned the room, carpets and all.

I let the dogs out despite feeling I shouldn’t. One of the dogs was a tall, standard poodle of a caramel color. The dog morphed into a little girl with caramel colored curls. She was very beautiful and about 8 years old. She stood in front of me looking a bit dazed, arms at her sides.

I remember wondering why this little girl was in my sister’s room and thinking my sister likely mistreated or neglected her. I asked her, “What is your name?” She said, “We don’t have names.” I said, “Sure you do! What is your name?” She said quietly, “Kimberly.” I said, “Hi Kimberly” and hugged her to me. I felt overwhelming compassion and love for her to the point of almost crying. For some reason I thought hugging her might be causing discomfort and asked, “Do you need to use the restroom?” She nodded and said, “I really need to pee.” I said, “The bathroom’s right there” and pointed. She turned and went toward it. I woke up.

Considerations

It feels like I was being given an explanation of what is going on now with Earth and ascension and with my individual path. Unfortunately, I can’t make much sense out of it. It certainly has to do with the sun and planets, but how I don’t know. That we have to go through all of the planets seems to indicate a time period. I want to say it has to do with an alignment of all the planets and this having to do with inner alignment somehow.

It is clear that I am experiencing a period of rest, healing and perceived delay. I feel unable to navigate home and there is a confusion as to where home even is. The last dream of the bedroom could be an aspect of self that is in a period of cleansing and not quite ready to open up yet. The little girl could be a representation of this aspect of self.

Overall, I feel the dreams are positive in that I at least have some kind of answer regarding what the hell is going on with me.

 

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Dream: Paper Sheets

In the early morning hours of the 28th of February, my coworker with lung cancer that metastasized to her brain, passed away peacefully in her sleep. She was 70 years old.

I knew that she had passed when I woke that morning. No one needed to tell me. I had struggled to fall asleep as it was and didn’t finally sleep until around midnight. My boss had talked with me briefly on the the phone earlier that evening and told me she had been asleep for over 24 hours and the hospice nurse had informed her that it would be any time. So my boss went to be by her side and sent the nurse home. She sat with her until she passed and has since been making all the arrangements.

Her funeral is the morning of March 8th, the same day my husband and I leave for Hawaii. It will be difficult to catch our flight but we plan on attending, staying a short bit, and then catching our flight to San Fran and on to Honolulu.

Though I am sad to lose my friend and coworker, I am more jealous that she gets to move on and be free of the burden of life. I always feel that way when someone passes away. And I really don’t want to go to the funeral. Funerals are for the living, not the dead, and I feel no reason to be there in person nor do I want to view a vacant body in a casket.

Calm

The night before last I felt a lightening of the energy, like a small amount of weight lifted from me. With it I remember saying to myself, “Something good is coming.” Nothing yet has occurred but the entire day I felt calm and relaxed.

The commute to work was uneventful and easy – like it is suppose to be. No anxiety or panic. In fact, I had an instance where it was quite surreal. A song came on I had never heard before – Have You Ever by Brandy.

The lyrics made me think of my physical counterpart briefly and in a good way. I did not react with tears or grief but instead felt quite pleasant. And as the chorus was playing I pulled up behind a large semi-truck and noticed the license plate was from Tennessee. Laughing to myself, I recognized the synchronicity of it. Not long after, other songs played in succession, that seemed altogether to be a message and by the time I arrived at work I felt relief and even joy. I remember thinking that maybe, just maybe, I had made it through the panic and despair to the other side.

Unfortunately, my stomach started bothering me toward the end of the day and I left early (again) and went home. The rest of the evening went smoothly but I was bored and passed the time watching videos on FB and in a hurry to get to sleep. I have gone through periods in my life like this where I can’t wait to get to bed each night and wish the days would just hurry up and pass. Sleep is my vacation and I very much wish I could sleep away my life at times.

Dream: Paper Sheets

I met up with my best friend who appeared to be the one from high school but at times another from later in my life. She had recently moved into her own apartment and was feeling really down and out so I had come to visit and offer my support.

When I arrived at her apartment I was trying to remember what it looked like and memories from waking reality were going through my mind. Inside, I found my friend and we talked a while. She told me she left her husband and was working a job during the day as a waitress. I remember mentioning half of my time was volunteer work and that I need to ask for money in return. I saw myself as a part-time tutor and briefly it seemed like my best friend was me.

My friend made just enough money to get by. I recognized that she was making her situation out to be worse than it was. She was doing just fine. She was sad and a bit down but I pointed out that if she held on she would get through the hard part. I saw her working and later upgrading to a nicer place and better pay. I saw her smiling and self-confident. She couldn’t see any of this, though, and continued to be sad.

It felt like I would be spending the night. I sat on a bed and my friend came and sat next to me holding something. She said, “I made this for you.” It was a long, green vine that was very long and twisted, with pink flowers and a small bird’s nest attached to the end. She showed me the nest and said, “It’s a nest for you.” I took the gift and looked closely at the nest and thanked my friend.

We then kissed one another and embraced. We kissed for a long time until my friend pulled away. I apologized but she was okay with it. I then asked her if she ever considered us to be more than friends. She said she had but she did not want to explore that possibility then and there. She was overwhelmed with life and the complications of it.

Suddenly, the front door swung inward with a burst of wind. My friend ran up to close it and said it was broken. I noticed it was swollen from water damage and that its hinges were rusted completely off. I pushed with all my might and secured it in the frame but huge gaps were visible and it could fall off any minute. I told my friend she should get management to fix it. She said it was like that when she moved in.

I went back to the bed where I would be sleeping for the night. Scattered across it were various square sheets of paper of various colors. I remember thinking it odd they were there as I curled up to sleep. I thought, “Paper sheets – ‘bed sheets’ of paper”. I kept looking at the door worried it would fall down but it never did.

Interpretation

When I woke up my lower abdomen was tender as if I had been receiving healing in dreamtime. The dream was vivid in my memory and I wondered about it. It is obvious that the “best friend” is a version of me. I can’t help but think she represents a potential path or part of myself that feels uncertainty about the future.

The most vivid dream symbol is the bed and the colorful, thin paper sheets all over the bed. Sheets in general represent the covering of unconscious and/or intimate feelings. Paper indicates a choice is about to be given to me in waking life. Being there are many pieces of different colored paper, it could represent all the various choices available to me. The paper is partially see-through, like tissue paper for a gift. So, perhaps, I am being shown potential parts of a “gift” or selecting what goes along with a gift. It is hard to say. The see-through aspect indicates I am getting a glimpse of the unconscious.

The door could represent access either being blocked or opened. The door is warped, meaning it was exposed to large amounts of water. Water = emotion. This indicates that emotion is hindering access in some way. The hinges are rusted and broken. Hinges represent the link between the spiritual and physical. I mention that the door needs to be repaired and worry the door will fall down. This suggests that I fear what is being kept out by the door. There is something on the other side I do not want to let in. This in itself represents my own blocking of something unwanted, but likely needed for healing.

It could also be that my “door” is broken from too much emotion and is causing me to struggle to maintain the balance between the spiritual and physical. Subconscious issues are seeping through and I am unable to differentiate between past and present emotion.

The next most memorable symbol is the vines with a nest made for me by my friend. A nest is protection, feeling at home, comfort and new opportunities. Vines represent ambitions, thoughts and/or ideas. They can also represent a clingy relationship. Pink represents unconditional love and nurturing.

Based upon this dream symbolism it seems I am being shown the source of the problems I have been having with anxiety, panic and overall “energy sickness”. There is too much emotion. So much that it is affecting my ability to maintain balance and manage the flow of emotion (the door won’t shut all the way). This emotion overload could be related to my heart being just too wide open or it could be the result of my refusal to confront and heal what it coming up. The positive side to this is my openness to loving myself which is evident in my embracing my friend in the dream and asking her to reciprocate.

 

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Digging In

Reached out to an online friend yesterday for some advice on everything that is happening with me – the strange “this is not my life” feeling, the anxiety and panic, the energy sickness, the high emotion.

We chatted for a long while yesterday and last night. Here is something she advised:

Well…if you don’t know what you want to do, but you want to be whole. I’d try my best to stop looking at anyone at all and focus back on you even though you’re so tired and not happy yet, and you feel like you’re getting somewhere then stay there and go within until spirit guides you elsewhere! It’s all about timing. Let the brain stop running circles on you. Maybe some cranial sacral would assist your thoughts! Clues!

The bottom line spiritually….from my guides and yours pow wow downloads they’re giving me. You’re getting caught in fear and doubt and your nervous system is telling you so and you need help. You’re not asking for help, you’re feeling alone. That’s your doubt of self. You need to learn new skills. Don’t rely on the kundalini it takes you up and out. Do something down here. You’re sort of on that line of fear often and you’re so sick of ‘falling’ or going backwards whatever language you use. But you need to embody. You’re flying all night and don’t want to come in fully. One foot in one foot out. There’s a way for you to change this you just won’t go there yet. It’s a place you delay seeing if you keep looking outside of you. All your tools are within you already and you’re just unfolding. Slowly. As one should. Pay attention to the nervousness. Sit with it. Where’s the fear coming from? From what? Where? Why? You already know. You just need to ask it, the body. Come. Into. The. Body! You’ve got outside in now go inside out.

There was much more but to summarize it was as I had suspected but not fully acknowledge. Perhaps as part of a temporary amnesia that I agreed to in order to fully integrate into the body and perhaps as a part of the remergence/reformation of ego, one that is more inline and in tune with my purpose and heart.

Earlier in this journey, I had similar panic episodes to what I am having now. They passed and were easier to handle but only because I observed them rather than becoming the effect of them. Similar to now, they would start with a sudden realization of my body, where I was, how I felt, etc. It was as if I shot directly into the body, grounded it in, suddenly and fully, which made all the senses almost painfully acute. Now, though, this perception remains for much longer and all the feelings are difficult to ignore. Thus, the panic episodes and feeling a need to run or get out.

It was advised by my friend to focus on the body, communicate with it and let it tell/show me what it needs. This was also what my guidance suggested and what caused me to have teary episodes on my commutes to and from work. I hate crying, though, so I stopped the feeling into my body on my commute and other trips. It just looks like I have more to purge and allow. I made the decision to keep looking, to keep listening, and try and resolve the residual grief and other emotions surfacing. I asked for help doing this prior to bed.

Last night I took a very long Epsom salt bath. Afterward I experienced a sadness that led to tears over the death of my dog, Trooper. Ugh! I cannot believe I am still grieving when he has been dead since 2012! Later I had more tears over my physical counterpart. The depth of the pit of grief I carry seems to have no bottom.

This morning my stomach is not happy. When I woke my back ached near my kidneys. Once awake it shifted to my intestines and I am back to similar symptoms as I experienced previously where my stomach hurts and I just don’t feel well. I will be staying home to work today if I don’t start feeling better soon.

Dreams

I slept very deeply with plenty of dreams. Once I was awakened in tears from a dream about Trooper. In the dream I was talking to an older lady with short hair who was taking care of him for me. I went to visit and saw him behind a fence made of panels of glass. He was very old looking and walking strangely, like he had been injured or was just crippled from old age. He leaped up toward me when he saw me. I was happy to see him but my grief got in the way. The woman and I sang together songs I can’t remember now and it seemed to help. She encouraged me to sing, so I did. She assured me she would take good care of him for me. I left him with her but broke down in tears as I departed. This woke me and I continued to cry.

There was another dream where I was with a group of people. We all seemed young, like 20’s. Myself and some others sat down at consoles and put on headsets to do our work. It was like we were physically plugged into the system somehow. I had just put on my headset when one of the men pointed out that something was wrong. I looked at him and some of the others and noticed their teeth were becoming shaded with gray and black. They all immediately took off their headsets as did I and the shading slowly faded. I remember being told it had to do with high radiation levels and to try again later. My own teeth were shaded and I felt a bit ill (likely physical seeping into my dream).

Then I was traveling on a motorbike along a country road with tall trees on either side. I took a sharp left and my bike suddenly seemed like a large, white work truck. As I turned around I felt a bit off, like I was confused or anxious. A young woman on a bike stopped me and asked me if I could give her a lift home. Her bike looked odd, like a four-wheeled type that was close to the ground. She told me her name and all about her family. I felt something was not right about her but agreed to give her a lift.

When we arrived at where she lived, it was the same place I did. Distrusting her, I took her to the entrance and used my key to open the door. I would not use the code in case she was trying to steal it. Inside, she asked me to help her locate her apartment but gave me a different name. This confirmed she was lying to me so I would not help her and made sure not to take her near my apartment.

Interpretation

When I woke I was really tired and shifted to lay on my back. My heart felt to be beating a thousand miles a minute but when I took my pulse my heartbeat was normal. It was odd. I had a headache and my lower back ached.

The dream about Trooper was likely to help me with the lingering feelings of guilt over his death. I saw him as old and decrepit even though I know that he is whole and happy on the Other Side because I have seen him before. The singing in the dream was likely to help me raise my vibration. The woman seemed to be his caretaker.

The teeth dream was strange. Teeth have to do with one’s feelings of control, or lack of it. When the teeth rot it is an invitation to handle unfinished business. To dig into those things that have been avoided and resolve them.

The last dream seems to be about my own distrust of myself, or an aspect of myself. The woman was young, married, with no kids. I recall telling her that she was lucky. She asked me if I was happy and I shrugged my shoulders. Thoughts of how exhausted parenting was and how I had so little time to myself came to mind. I advised the woman to enjoy her life – her “perfect” life. I told her, “Looks like you have it all.” When she questioned me, I said, “A house, a job and a husband you love.” I distrusted her story, though, as if I did not believe anyone could be happy with those things. In considering the whole dream, it feels like life has left me disillusioned. The “American dream” turned out to be a crock of shit and I no longer believe happiness comes from attaining it.