I’ve been sick for a few days now with what I think is the flu. š¦ It has been bearable with a low grade fever, slight body aches, headache and tiny bit of congestion. Last night, though, it seemed to get worse and I went to bed with a fever and a horrible headache that Ibuprofen did not alleviate.
As I shifted into sleep, my headache kept waking me up and I felt really cold and uncomfortable. I requested healing, not expecting much of anything to happen. To my surprise, as soon as I asked, an energy spread quickly over my entire body. The energy was similar to what I have always called energy “hugs” but much more pronounced. The energy originated in my spine, in the center of my body just below my rib cage, and spread in waves up and down my body. When the energy got to my head and feet respectively it would shoot back toward the center of my body only to return back to my head and feet. The waves were so relaxing – but that was not the best part. The energy erased all pain from my body COMPLETELY. It was such a relief! No headache. No body aches. No chills.
The energy remained for a while and then slowly subsided. My headache and other aches and pains stayed away and I fell asleep.
I woke at least five more times throughout the night for various reasons. Usually the headache was back or I would feel uncomfortable or just generally unwell. Each time I requested healing and each time the energy waves would come, erase all pain, and I would fall back to sleep.
Fascinated, I recall considering what was happening and ended up dreaming about the answer.
Dream: Healing Trinity
I remember being shown three healing lines. They came together to form an arched inverted triangle. The triangle was gold and brilliant. When I saw it I knew that it’s purpose was healing. For some reason I attributed each of the lines to the trinity, pointing to each line and naming them – Father, Son, Holy Spirit.
Then I was at my Mom’s house explaining to her what I had learned. I was relieved and happy. My Mom then mentioned a man who kept coming to the house. He had been told to stop coming so he would send others in his place to tend to a pet he kept there, which was his excuse to keep coming. My mom told me to be careful of him because he was acting like a “stalker”.
Eventually I met the man. He had recently left the Army and was struggling to make ends meet. He was young, with dark hair and somewhat familiar. He had with him a book he was creating full of illustrations. He opened one page to show me that he had included my information on the healing trinity in it. I was shocked that he had included it without first asking me. When I looked at it, though, he had changed the drawing so that the trinity was filled with stones and resembled a stone wall.
The man spent much of the dream staring into space, What was odd is I could hear his thoughts. He was stressing over things in his life and not paying much attention to anything else. I psychically began to pick up on stuff for him and asked him, “Do you have a balloon mortgage?” He said, “Yeah, I do.” I told him, “You need to be careful with that.” He said, “Yeah, I know,” and acted a bit defensive. He made excuses, specifically that he could not find appropriate work. I suggested he work with his hands and we discussed him mowing lawns and providing handyman services. I remember feeling sad for him as the dream ended.
The last thing I said to him was, “Focus on your heart when you meditate.” He looked at me strangely.
As I woke I was thinking or hearing (not sure which), “Don’t be surprised if you have a huge heart opening.”
Considerations
When I woke I still had a headache but it was slight. The minute I began to think about how uncomfortable it was, the energy manifested, spreading up and down my spine and wrapping me in bliss. The pain vanished and I lay there thinking how amazing it was. It felt just like I had been given a strong pain reliever only it was energetic. I didn’t think such a thing was possible! But then, why not?
The dream I had seems to indicate the energy has to do with the trinity somehow. I have received similar messages in the past but never quite fully understood why.
An occult description of the Caduceus of Hermes (Mercury) is that the serpents represent positive and negative charges of kundalini as it moves through the chakras and around the spine (the staff) to the head where conscious perception occurs, the domain of Mercury the messenger. The wings of Hermes represent consciousness or Spirit. The “flow” signifies consciousness and perception–for no flow, means no lifeforce. Spiritual evolution is an ever increasing relationship with the neutral ground between the play of opposites. The Trinity is also observable in the caduceus: the helix is the Son (matter), the staff is the Father (zero-point ground) and the wings are the Holy Ghost (tangible perception of spirit). From Biology of KundaliniĀ
My guidance was using the trinity to explain the healing I was receiving. Did they mean that I was able to experience this instant reduction in pain because the three components – matter, zero-point ground and tangible perception of spirit – were present? Maybe?
I did not quite understand what was meant by zero-point ground. This was the explanation:
At the ground of matter there is the Quantum Field, or Void, Vacuum, Zero-point Energy. At the ground of mind and thought there is Sunyata, Emptiness, Void, Absolute Unity Being.
Whatever the meaning, I am happy to know that the trinity was present within me enough to give me relief from the pain of illness. And although I still have lingering symptoms today, I feel like I am recovering little by little.
I can’t believe it’s been over a week since my last post. Life has just been busy here and the energy shifts have not helped. Up, down, shake-up, toss and pull yourself up by your bootstraps kinda energy. lol
For example, I was so dead tired Saturday that I was beginning to think I was getting sick only to wake up today feeling normal again. And throughout the week my sleep has been odd. I either sleep so deeply I can’t recall my dreams or I wake up too early and have really strange dreams (like helping hatch a baby quail whose parents are as big as a person).
The veil seems to be really, really thin right now, too. My guess is it might have to do with it being Samhain (November 1st), when it is said that Spirit and the Gods are made more visible to mankind. I also sense that those Spirits trapped here on Earth (unconscious earthbounds/ghosts) are “waking up” and seeking the Light in droves, like a “clearing” out of the lower astral realms and those previously unable to recognize their own death. It feels like a flushing out of the shadowy depths of the unknown and unseen. Most wouldn’t even notice, but I do. I feel them. One made me smell and taste onion the other day and another was praying in Spanish as I awoke a couple of mornings ago.
I’ve been in major protection mode lately as a result. I don’t need any hitchhikers nor do I want any invasive thoughts that do not belong to me. I’ve had enough of that and I prefer the quiet of my mind to the paranoia and panic that ensues when I let my guard down. Violet Flame and white light of protection, smudging and incense, Light Language, candles and crystals – I’m using them all right now!
I’ve determined it is especially important to take care of myself right now, not only spiritually but emotionally and physically as well. I’ve recently done a ton of research into two topics specifically: Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) and Ayurveda for the purpose of cleansing and balancing the body and hormones.
HSP’s
If you are an empath then you are an HSP. They are one in the same. If you are a perfectionist you are probably an HSP as well, though the two are not mutually exclusive. If you happen to be a perfectionist and an HSP, then I feel for you as it is really tough.
The root issue for HSP’s who are perfectionists is they never feel good enough. They work hard to be the best but never seem to feel good enough. It is all because they make their work about them which perpetuates the self-worth wound. If your self-talk is “you” focused such as “I’m not good enough” or “I’m nothing”, then you are you-focused in your work and life. Being “other” focused will shift it all and pull you out of the cycle.
You have to shift the paradigm of worthiness and the only way to do that is to take the focus off of yourself.
Maybe that is why I always feel so much happier when I am working a job that puts me in service of others – teacher, counselor, psychic, medium?
There is also the fear of the spotlight and of succeeding. Ouch! The only way out of that is to step into that fear, put yourself out there and succeed despite yourself.
Tools for managing your highly sensitive nature:
Identify and understand YOUR needs. What brings your soul comfort? DO IT! What things calm you down, bring you joy, give you a sense of peace? Find them, do them frequently or whenever you feel overwhelmed, anxious, scattered, or ungrounded.
Regularly have bodywork sessions – massage, acupuncture, sauna, physical activity (running, walking). HSPs tend to try and escape their body. HSPs tend toward being ungrounded, so anything that brings you back into your body – DO IT!
Take care of your spiritual body – crystals, Reiki, meditation, qui-gong, yoga. Black crystals are best for grounding and protection such as smokey quartz, obsidian and onyx.
AyurvedaĀ
I have been drawn to Ayurveda for a while, specifically to help with fluctuating hormones and adrenal fatigue.
Notes from a recent online class I took:
Vata and Pitta are the areas to focus on when it comes to symptoms of peri-menopause and menopause.
For Hot Flashes – 1tsp Ghee and 1tsp Cardamon in hot water every morning. Drink coconut water throughout the day (cooling). Cut out sugar, alcohol, white flours, fried and processed foods. Take Omega-3 and Omega-6 (Evening Primrose Oil) supplement. Sugar is directly linked to hot flashes!! The higher the sugar intake, the more frequent and severe the hot flashes.
Routine is important – wake and sleep at the same time, eat the same foods, do the same practices (yoga, exercise, meditation, etc). Don’t change just because it is the weekend.
For anxiety – vata/pitta imbalance, do small detox sessions. Detox of mung soup and veggies all day for 1 full day. No sugar, no dairy, no gluten, no refined oils. Completely vegetarian, lots of water with ginger, and teas. Cook your veggies (nothing fried). You can make a smoothie in the morning with fresh greens and fruit.
Liver is very important in estrogen dominance!
If you wake between 1-3am with or without hot flashes this is sign that your liver needs to be detoxed (it’s the liver meridian).
Estrogen dominance symptoms – Hot flashes, night sweats, weight gain, heavy periods, cramping, changes in PMS, fibroids, cysts, fibrous breasts all caused by zeno estrogens.
Toxic estrogens, or zeno estrogens come from chemicals or toxins in the environment such as parabens, phthalates, and plastics or synthetic hormones (birth control). These build up if the liver is not at 100%. Liver cleanse will help get liver to 100%.
Ways to cleans liver naturally:
Movement, keep the blood moving, exercise every day 15 minutes or more at moderate intensity
Eat avocado, asparagus, onions, garlic
Work on improving gut health – no sugar, refined foods, take probiotics, eat fermented foods.
Eat lots of cauliflower, broccoli, cabbage, brussel sprouts (4 servings a day)
Supplements – black pepper, broccoli seed extract, calcium, DIM, methalated B-vitamins and folic acid, glutathione
Dandelion root tea or greens, any bitter greens, radishes, increase fiber intake
For 1 week liver cleanse:
Eat: Fruits, veggies (mung soup), flax seed, drink teas with dandelion root. Juicing your veggies is okay but cooked veggies are preferred.
Take 4-5 charcoal capsules during the day and then take magnesium supplement at night. Visit a sauna daily or take Epsom salt baths daily. If you are really symptomatic you can do coffee enema.
For adrenal fatigue: Eat adaptogens such as – rhodiola, licorice root (not if you have high BP), Siberian Gensing, Ashwaganda, holy basil. Eat frequently, stress lowers blood sugar! Slow down and calm down as often as you can. Meditate. Magnesium supplement in tea every night.
For low progesterone – take borage oil, evening primrose oil, and black current seed oil. Take Vitex/Chasteberry supplement or use progesterone creams (plant based). No synthetic progesterones (birth control).
The Ayurvedic one-day cleanse (can be done more than one day):
Donāt eat: ā¢ All sources of gluten such as wheat, spelt, rye, kamut, couscous, bulgur ā¢ Reļ¬ned sugar (avoid pastries, fast food, soft drinks, fruit juice) ā¢ Red meat, poultry, ļ¬sh and sausages ā¢ Animal byproducts such as dairy and eggs ā¢ Fried foods high in saturated fats ā¢ Tomatoes ā¢ Reļ¬ned oils ā¢ Preservatives
Do eat: ā¢ Fresh, organic foods (ideally prepared at home). ā¢ Mostly vegetables (go for green) ā¢ FruitĀ ā¢ Foods rich in antioxidants, minerals, vitamins, ļ¬bre ā¢ Lots of Mung beans in any form – they do balance and detox and work miracles on your hormones
EAT LOTS OF: Zucchini Broccoli Spinach Witloof Kale Cabbage/ Chinese cabbage Chard Fennel Artichokes Radish bok choi Asparagus Celery Brussel sprouts Bell peppers
Magical mung soup recipe for harmonizing and detoxing body and mind.
Soak one cup of green organic mung beans and soak them overnight. The next day wash the mung beans and then put them with 4 cups of water and some Himalayan salt in a pressure cooker until the beans are soft. It takes around 25 minutes until the beans are soft. If you donāt have a pressure cooker it will take 40-45 minutes until they are cooked.
Take another vessel and add 1 tablespoon of Ghee, 1/2 tsp of turmeric 1/2 tsp of mustard seeds 1 tsp of cumin powder 1 tsp of coriander powder 2 tsp of fresh ginger, chopped Garlic if desired 1-2 pinches of Asafoetida ( Hing) Salt per taste Heat the Ghee and put ļ¬rst the mustard seeds in the hot ghee and wait until they pop, then add the remaining herbs and allow them to get brown.
Then add the mung beans and mix it all together and allow the beans to cook for another 5 minutes. Finally add some fresh chopped coriander leaves and some ghee on top and ENJOY!
It has been an eventful few days. It feels like some major shifts are underway, and not just energetically.
First, I’ve had some developments in terms of my spiritual services. For the first time in a while I did a session in my own home. I smudged the entire home first and then set up an area downstairs. The energy felt very good and balanced and the session went well. With my children gone at school all day I can return to offering my services in-person and so this was the first step in doing that.
Another interesting development was that yesterday I was offered a part-time personal training job at the YMCA. I applied back at the end of September and out of the blue they called, interviewed and offered me a job on the spot. I have yet to receive the paperwork I need to complete but feel like this is an opportunity to go in a new direction if I want.
Spiritually, yesterday I felt strong energy in my third-eye. It has been such a long time since I have experienced that, so it was nice! I have been feeling less and less anxious, too, which is wonderful and could indicate a successful clearing of a stubborn blockage.
Then last night I had an unexpected OBE followed by a dream where I was given a message.
OBE: Impressionable
I had a few exits from my body. When I exited the first time, I went out my bedroom door and was pull right back into my body. The second time I felt like I had blankets wrapped around my feet. I kicked them off and headed out into the hallway. I tried to look at my hands to solidify my energy, but couldn’t see them. My vision would not turn on. My energy felt odd, too – not heavy, not unstable, just different. I remained in this portion of the astral for a while but I don’t remember much now. I think I ran into my middle son, though. I also believe I made it outside because that is where I was when I went back to my body.
On my third exit I came out of my body feeling much more stable. I could see but it was dark in my bedroom. I moved through the hallway and down the stairs where I encountered my sons. They were very active, like flying in zigzags around me similar to how they act when they are playing. I invited them to come outside with me and they did.
Outside it was dark and unfamiliar. The streets were there but not in the right place. I recall walking down the street with my son when I saw a young man walking toward us. He had on a hooded sweatshirt and was no one I knew. I approached him and asked him who he was. I suspected he was not real but when he responded intelligently I remember correcting myself aloud saying, “Oh, you aren’t a ghost” or something similar.
Then a strange looking vehicle came to pick up the young man. It was triangle shaped and low to the ground. The top of the triangle was the roof and it was flat. I jumped on top of it and sat down, noticing the two doors hinged open, connected the the top. I said, “Wow! We must be in the future!” I don’t recall if the vehicle had wheels. I don’t think so.
Then my vision began to fade out and I felt like I was going to go back to my body. I didn’t want this so remember talking to myself about how to get more stable. I began to look up at the sky, which I couldn’t see, and tell myself how I controlled my experience. I said, “The sky is beautiful” and imagined a colorful sunrise/sunset with oranges and yellows, fluffy clouds, etc. To my surprise the picture manifested, chasing away the darkness. I floated face up there a while marveling at the sky.
To my surprise, my vision blacked out for a while and I felt myself making a shift. When my vision returned I was inside a room full of individual, divided desks like you would see at a testing center. Some of the desks had people sitting at them. I walked around the room, seemingly talking to myself about whether I had time to do what I needed to and decisions that needed to be made. I can’t recall now what it was, though. It felt like I was being asked to make an appointment. Maybe to take a test or be evaluated? Whatever it was, it felt like I was seeking counsel.
The room layout had the desks in a U-shaped format and as I walked back around to the start of it I encountered a woman sitting at a desk. Her location in the room made her seem like a proctor or at the very least a teacher. When I saw her my entire OBE solidified instantly. Her face became the focal point, crystal clear in my vision to the point that I do not even remember her having a body. When I saw her I studied her face a while and thought to myself, “I know her.” She was about my age, plain looking with her brown hair pulled back tightly around her face. Her face was oval with a prominent chin. She had brown eyes and thin lips.
She spoke to me. “You’re impressionable,” she said matter-of-factly. I was still staring at her marveling at how crystal clear she was and how real the experience was.
A female voice from behind me said, “You’re suppose to be here to help.” I glanced behind me and saw the voice came from a student dressed in plain clothing that looked like a uniform.
I responded to both of them with, “I’m definitely not very welcoming.” I smiled, laughing a bit but they did not laugh. Realizing this was “serious” I focused back on the woman.
She said to me, “You still have a little time left.” As she said this, she turned to a bulletin board as if showing me something, but I didn’t look at the board so I don’t know if it had any information on it pertaining to me.
I woke not long after the last message. I returned to my body slowly and recall not resisting it. A part of me wanted to wake up.
Message
It was 4:30am. I couldn’t return to sleep after that. There was more to the words throughout this interaction. Most of it was unsaid; telepathic. I was going over and over the memory. I knew I needed to remember.
When I was told I was impressionable I felt like it had to do with life distracting me. Physical life changes my personality. I go from free-loving, free-flowing, open and positive to overly serious and easily bogged down by things that are not really important. However, upon further inspection, it could have been that she wanted me to know that I am open or receptive right now.
When I was reminded that I am here to help, I recall thinking I was suppose to be “welcoming” others to Earth. There was more a feeling of this than a thought. A visual comes to mind. I am standing, waiting at the threshold between the old and the new Earth. People come through this opening or gate and I welcome them. These people are just waking up. It feels like my job is to greet and direct them on to their destination. I knew I was not doing a good job of it, which is why I laughed saying I was not very welcoming.
I am then reminded that I chose to stay a bit longer. My previous dream comes to mind where I felt I was given an option to stay here and continue this life/work or go to a healing place and resume my work as a teacher. How much time “a little time” is, I don’t know.
Dream: Godmother
Somehow I managed to fall asleep and entered into a semi-lucid dream at my grandparent’s old house. Inside it looked more like a doctor’s office, though. I was taken to a room, which had a patient chair draped in white, and directed to lay on it. I did as I was told. An older woman with gray hair entered the room. I called her by name but all I remember of the name is “Godmother”. The woman began to tell me things about another person, things I needed to know in order to help them. The person was male but she never gave a name. She told me that he was likely to fixate on something. All I remember of the details are images that resembled a calendar with weeks highlighted. It felt like he would be fixated on something for weeks. I remember feeling a bit out of it during this time, like I was in a trance or like I was not meant to remember the details so my memory was wiped or a block was placed.
The woman left and I realized she had never told me his name. I got up and followed her. When I saw her I tapped her on the back to get her attention. When she turned around she looked different, old and gray but different, but I knew it was still her. I said, “What is his name? You never told me his name?” She said, “How should I know?” I said, “How am I suppose to help him if I don’t know his name?” She never answered and I shifted into another dream.
The last few days the energy seems to have evened out somewhat. There was a shift a couple of days ago and ever since the theme for me has been healing, cleansing and purification.
Message: You Are Resilient
Yesterday morning I awoke at around 5am and then lingered in the in-between for quite some time.
I remember feeling vibrations deep within my core. They were very slight but noticeable and I felt them slowly moving upward chakra by chakra. When they got to my solar plexus I looked closer and saw what looked like a slug or leech. I remember surrounding it with Light and imagining it extinguished and it disappeared. Then the vibrations moved up and before I knew it they were in my head. Very subtle but there.
The whole time I was talking with someone, a guide I guess, and he was telling me how resilient I am. He said, “You are resilient. I love you for your resilience.” The day before, out of the blue, I felt this love and had a visual of my face being caressed and looking so peaceful and relaxed. A message came through that I was loved and everything would be alright. The sender of both messages felt to be the same.
Then there is memory of a young man with dark hair and a very energetic spirit. He approached me, called me Becca and told me his name was Jeremy. I remember recognizing his energy and becoming alarmed because I had not expected to run into this specific person again. I also wondered why he was so young and why he was calling me by another name.
The young man was showing me all the ways he loved me. I saw four pages as if from a book but they were spread out like the four directions, floating mid-air with writing on them. He told me, “How do I love you? Let me count the ways.” I remember feeling love for him, too, a romantic soul deep love.
What he was saying to me came from a poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning:
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. I love thee to the level of every day’s Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for right; I love thee purely, as they turn from praise, I love thee with the passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints -I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life! -and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.
Message: Invoke the Violet Flame
I had a dream that seemed to span the entire night. In the beginning of the dream I was waiting for a coworker – another teacher – to be ready to move forward with something we were going to do together. This coworker kept changing their mind and I remember feeling like they were holding me back. I think, also, that someone told me, “Don’t let them hold you back.”
There is an entire scene where I get tired of waiting and fly off the balcony over a busy highway, but only one side of the highway is busy (the side going right), the other is clear (the side going left). I know the cause of the traffic is an accident. I enter into a car where another person is waiting for me and we drive away in the opposite direction of the traffic.
Then I was being led through a very special school located “South”. The layout was unconventional with each classroom being separate from the others and courtyards connecting them all. The courtyards had gardens, pools, trees and wide open spaces. I remember talking to the principal who introduced me to many of the teachers. I went into classrooms to observe and recall discussing how special the place was. Everyone I spoke to seemed to want me to stay there, to work alongside them helping the children. I knew it was a healing place.
I lingered in one classroom and spoke to a teacher there for a while. Each student worked at their own pace and had so much more freedom than the conventional student. One of the students in particular was discussed – how she took longer on assignments than the other students but how it didn’t matter because they all worked at their own paces. All students were treated the same. It was made clear to me that I was wanted there, that I would be an asset. I was asked at least three times to come work there. I felt a call to stay. I felt needed but I also felt drawn to be there, like I belonged. And I wanted to help them – the students. Each of them was precious to me. I loved them all.
A teacher approached me, asking me if I would like to stay. I told her I couldn’t. In my mind I saw my family and obligations to them and knew I couldn’t stay there. The woman opened her arms and pulled me close to her. I felt she was like me and that she intended to heal me. She said, “Invoke the Violet Flame.” Instantly I could feel this energy wrap around me like a blanket. The feeling made me cry.
At one point it began to rain (purification) and I watched a student jump head first into a swimming pool. I reached in and pulled something out – like a heavy weight (burdens of life) – and she floated to the top, unharmed.
As I got closer to the end of the dream I was being led down a hallway by a woman. I remember wanting to stay but knowing I had to leave. The hallway led away from the school and was very long and bright gold in color. I could not see what was at the end.
As we walked we passed by a woman who was standing in front of a stroller with two babies – twins – in it. They appeared alive at first but then seemed to be doll-like and unreal. The woman was crying and very upset, wailing about how they had not come for them yet. She kept repeating, “Why have they not come for them yet?” When I spoke to her she said her twins had died in an accident and “they just left them here”. I turned around and hugged her close saying to her, “Don’t worry. You will have your chance to grieve.” My heart was overflowing with sympathy for this woman and her grief became my own. I burst into tears and woke up.
Considerations
When I woke from the second dream it felt as if I had been given a choice – I could choose to stay in that healing place, teaching and helping the children there, or I could return to my life and my family and obligations on Earth. I am fairly certain that I was taken to the Other Side, to be shown my “work” when I am not on Earth. The draw to stay was strong but my duties here on Earth were stronger.
The healing from the woman was distinct as was her message about the Violet Flame. I intend to use it more frequently now.
The woman who was waiting for her twins to be taken and the grief she felt seemed to mirror my own grief. I told her not to worry, that she would get a chance to grieve. It makes me wonder if that message was meant for me.
In other dreams and OBEs I have been drawn to working with the children and babies. In one OBE, I was taken to a “hub” where people who had died were standing in line to be sent off to their next destination. I recall being distracted by a section that was full of children and babies and their caretakers. It had a playground and everything. I went over to one of the caretakers who was holding an infant in her arms and felt immense joy at the thought of working with the children.
I felt unsettled last night. I kept waking up and when I did sleep it was quite light.
Dream: Shake-Up
In this dream I was with a few other people inside a large building that housed an empty indoor pool. My memory is hazy but I was being asked to hurry and go with them back to school, but I turned around and told them I had to get something. I ran across the empty pool, from the deep to the shallow end, and went inside a room. The room looked to be a bedroom and I thought of it as the room of my sister. My intention was to go through her stash of snacks.
When I got to her dresser and opened the drawer I started grabbing snacks by the handful, specifically looking for chocolate. I recall seeing a bag of cigarettes. The boxes were completely white with no markings but I knew that was what they were. I left them alone, took a bunch of sugary snacks and left.
I recall the walk across the empty pool took longer than I expected. It was enormous! As I got to my friends waiting on the deep end they pointed behind me. When I turned and looked I saw two people coming out of the back door I had just come through. I knew to hurry up and get away from them. For some reason one of them, the man, felt like the principal and I felt like I had done something wrong.
When I reached the other side a female friend and I began to walk along a sidewalk. She spoke to me about all the classwork I had missed and would need to make up. I responded that I thought that I could make it up since I had been sick. She seemed to indicate that I was faking and I told her, “Well I am back now aren’t I?” I remember that I had come back to school after being gone for a very long time – months maybe. The assignment we were talking about came into my mind as a visual of popcorn. It was odd.
At one point the woman got upset with me. She put her hands on my shoulders and began to shake me while saying, “You need to stop prostituting yourself!” The shaking was vigorous but what she said is what got my attention the most. I woke up.
When I woke I felt weird. I was laying on my left side and so turned to lay on my back. It seemed to me like the shaking was a warning that my guidance cannot do anything to help me if I don’t help myself. My heart was skipping beats and I think I was feeling residual energy and vibrations at the same time. It was not a comfortable feeling so I got up to use the bathroom, got back in bed and tried to settle down.
Also, there was another shaking episode before this but I don’t remember anything except the sense of being shaken.
Dream: Hospital Treatment
I entered into another dream where I found myself inside a hospital waiting to see the doctor. There was memory of recently having gone through a procedure related to my heart. I remember hearing people discussing my case but can’t recall specifics. I felt somewhat out of it, like in a daze – how I suspect someone would feel who just got told they had a terminal illness. All I wanted to do was find a bed and go to sleep.
I lingered near a shelf full of pills and vitamins and picked up a large bottle. I remember thinking it was massive and was what the doctor had prescribed me. I also knew I would have to take them the rest of my life. The bottle ended up empty except for two pills – one was a multi-mineral pill (large and speckled) and the other looked like a B-complex (small and yellow). I actually spit them out into the bottle after it seemed like I had taken the entire bottle of pills at one time.
A woman called to speak to me about a future appointment on the 22nd. She was a counselor and had been away on vacation but was returning and reminding me of our Tues appointment at 3:15. She asked if I would be there and I told her I had a dentist appointment at 3:30.
Considerations
The first dream is the one that sticks with me the most. Not only did I physically feel the woman shaking me but what she said bothers me. What does “prostituting” ones self mean in a dream context? Was she suggesting that I am giving away my power? Or was it literally about me using my body as a means to gain from my husband a false sense of security? Probably both. Typical of my guides to just say it like it is but to shake me, too. Damn!
The empty pool means feeling devoid of emotion or it might indicate that past mistakes will not be repeated. It can be also that the cleansing or healing “pool” has dried up. The sweets are me focusing on the good things in life or seeking them out. Cigarettes are sources of toxicity in my life. Thankfully, I choose to leave them. The popcorn represents good fortune or a windfall. My missing school and pretending to be sick, indicates I am avoiding something or that my symptoms have been self-created to avoid something – the windfall perhaps?
In the second dream I am being told some important news about the state of my “health” in this case most likely spiritual but it could also be physical. This could be a worry dream as well. The pills are problem solving and the struggle to resolve one or more issues. The appointment could be symbolic of the conflict I am experiencing – get counseling (work on myself) or go to dentist (handle problems first).
Crazy, Bi-Polar Energy
All I can say about the energy since August is WTF Universe? I had one day – ONE DAY – where I felt good and optimistic and now it seems like the energy is shifting up, down, up, down, and even sideways.
Yesterday, it felt like the energy was literally pushing me, like forceful, but toward what? I have no idea but it came with that feeling like the other shoe is about to drop. Yay – love that feeling…not. Then towards evening it all just calmed down and leveled out.
This morning after being shaken twice in the night and having the above dreams I felt slightly anxious, but it settled within a couple of hours after waking. The energy feels lower today, like it is heading into another build-up.
This is what I perceive about all this crazy bipolar energy that wants to PUSH. It reminds me of the energy in 2016, actually. It is saying, “Clean your shit UP!” And those of us (like me) who hate cleaning or have been in avoidance all this time or distracted by life are feeling the push the most.
I like to think I have my shit together when it comes to my life path/mission, but I don’t. My guidance likes to remind me to “follow the 8 Winds (of Buddhism)” and they recently nudged me again. I have been learning all about how to not seek out pleasure and I think I have learned that lesson pretty well since 2015 (pats self on back), but it occurred to me that I am failing at the other half, which is to NOT avoid pain and discomfort. It isn’t saying to jump head first into pain and discomfort, just to be open to experiencing it. I think I might be the Queen of avoidance of anything painful and uncomfortable. My guidance has their work cut out for them.
Yesterday I went to a metaphysical fair. I haven’t been to one in 12 years. This was a small one with only about 15-20 vendors total. The people who sponsor the fairs have had them in the area for over 2 years but I had never heard of them. Turns out they also have a school for metaphysics that offers classes and degrees.
Not long after arriving I got a headache and neck ache. I knew it was from someone’s energy in the room. At first I couldn’t find the source but then I turned around and recognized someone I had encountered about 13 years ago. Apparently her energy had not improved and so I put up protection and my headache went away.
I felt sad that one person could screw up the energy of an entire room like that. What was even sadder was that she was attracting people to her booth. I felt really bad for the people she was “helping”. I thought about going up to her and seeing if she recognized me but then decided to just keep my distance. There was no reason to interact with her.
The backstory about this woman is she came to the Austin area from California. She had plenty of money, so didn’t need a job and had a really nice house downtown. She would invite young, curious, seekers to her house and give “free” readings and “alignments” (energetic and physical). My friend at the time invited me to go to one of the gatherings. Everyone was asked to make a donation when they entered. The donation box was pretty full.
When I looked around the room, most of the people were young, college students with the exception of a few older people (like me). The vibes of the house had me on edge the entire time but when I sat through her readings and was given an alignment I lost it and called the woman out in front of everyone. She later took me aside to “talk” to me. She told me she recognized my “gifts” and understood that I thought she was a “threat” but that she wasn’t. She said some other things but it was all very condescending and her energy was making me sick to my stomach.
I went downstairs to wait for the readings to be over. A man sat down next to me and began to talk to me. He was also skipping the group readings and alignments. He told me he knew why I was upset and told me the woman was a fraud but that he came to help out. To me it seemed like he was there to clean up after her, to pick up the pieces of the messes she made out of people.
My friend ultimately got very mad at me because I embarrassed her. I told her I would not apologize for revealing a fraud and warned her about the woman. About two months later my friend contacted me and told me I had been right about the woman. My friend told me that she realized the woman was only there to get a “following”, to get attention and that her readings and alignments were not genuine.
So, yeah, sad that this woman continues to do what she was doing so long ago. š¦ Thankfully, everyone else in the room was pretty high vibe.
Aura Photo
I waited around the fair for a while to feel out the energy of the people at the booths and see who I was drawn to. Ultimately, I ended up visiting the aura photography booth and talking to the woman who was taking the photos. At first I just wanted to find out about them and so the woman and I talked for a while about the aura and other topics. Her husband shared the booth with her and was a psychic/medium giving 10 minutes readings and she focused on taking the photos.
I inadvertently saw the woman’s aura when we were talking but didn’t say anything. Eventually she showed me her aura photo and I saw the pink outline. I started to cry because I knew the pink meant she was surrounded in love and I could feel it. I told her I felt it and wiped my tears. She said her aura was normally another color than in the pictures and I told her what colors I saw. She told me that I was correct.
Ultimately I agreed to take a photo. There were three kinds – aura around the head, the chakras, and the aura and chakras. I was most interested in seeing what was going on with my chakras. I had an idea but wanted to see if the photo matched.
This is the resulting photo:
The big shocker here is that my aura showed up as orange! She told me the entire aura was orange except the very outside which was pink. She also said the left side (which is past) was darker than the right (which is upcoming, or future). The darker orange indicates high stress, the lighter indicates problem solving and creativity. So, not so bad I guess, but I am typically blue/purple and green.
The chakra alignment was similar to what I thought it would be, only I thought the second chakra would be blocked and the third open because of all the panic attacks I have had lately. However, my panic attacks have dropped off recently, so it is possible the third chakra closed compared to what it was. The throat chakra is slightly blocked but that fits with what I perceive.
My thoughts about the orange aura is that the second chakra is so wide open right now that it is overshadowing my normal aura color. Orange to me indicates issues with family, relationships, sex and desire. This is the chakra that has long been giving me issues and has been a literal pain in the uterus. lol I suppose it is a good thing, then, that it is really wide open when previously it has been so horribly blocked. I am making progress at least.
Healing
I left the booth and waited around a while to feel out what was needed next, if anything. I purchased a nice little bracelet for my daughter and then walked around some more. Eventually I took a seat and just waited, sensing my next step was healing but not knowing from who.
Ultimately, the healer came to me. We began to talk and share our individual experiences. When he found out I was a healer among other things I could feel that he was interested in finding out more. I discovered he was Kundalini active and just coming out of “hiding” (lol) and that this was the first metaphysical fair he had ever done. Interestingly, he had an accent. I guessed it was Australian but he said he was from the UK. It sounded closer to Australian to me, though, and I know the difference having visited both places. Whatever the case, he seemed extremely familiar to me. Pretty certain we know each other on a soul level. I also think I remember meeting him while OOB….
Eventually he asked me if he could give me a healing session. His healing technique was his own and there wasn’t really a name for it. Like me, he just followed where his guidance led when giving healing.
I agreed and he told me to stand in a certain direction and proceeded to do the healing. I want to say it took a good 20 minutes, too! At first I didn’t feel much but eventually, when he got to the root chakra and there was a block he mentioned how I wasn’t from “here” and I felt like I didn’t belong. Then he asked me to say three times, “The Earth is my home” or something similar. Before that I had been asked to state things three times and had no issues, but when asked to say this I couldn’t get the words to come out. The sensations that arose were many. My throat constricted, my heart began to pound like it does when I have an anxiety attack, I began to feel hot and cold sensations, my stomach started to feel uneasy and tons of grief began to surface. It took me a long time to finally get the words out and when I did he said the block cleared.
There were many small blocks here and there but none as big as that one and none that produced such a response. Most were connected to letting go of the past and being more flexible. Some were connected to fear and anger.
Afterwards we spoke for a bit and he asked me to give him a medical intuition scan. I did and then later he asked for distance healing, which I agreed to do.
Not sure how long we talked but it was a long time. It has been entirely too long since I have spoken to someone face-to-face about my experiences and felt understood to such a degree and vice versa. It was so nice!
Afterward, I went for a walk and sat down in the grass outside the convention center. It was nice outside and I think I just needed to get out of the room for a while. I left not long after.
Knee Pain
When I got home I did my workout as planned only I discovered that my left kneecap was sore. The soreness got really bad by the end of the night (yes I did my workout anyway which was probably not a good idea). It was so sore that I had to elevate and put ice on it. By the time I went to bed it was sore enough that I asked my guidance for healing. I suspected it would be gone or at least much better by the morning.
This morning the kneecap pain is gone š but now my entire left side is stiff. I suspect my sciatic nerve is flaring up based upon the location of the pain (hip mostly). What is interesting is there was a block in the knee that the healer worked on for a quite a while. There was also a block in my left hip. Both were masculine and trauma related. I also had a similar block on my right hip.
The pain is bearable and will likely lessen with a hot bath and a stretch. The stiffness goes all the way up my thigh to my neck. Yuck!
I felt the energy shift yesterday. It was subtle, and may have only been in my universe, and that’s okay with me.
When driving home from running some errands yesterday afternoon, I was waiting at a stop light when a huge semi truck crossed through the intersection and slowly turned right. Along the side of it in big letters was the word, “FORWARD”. I knew instantly there was a message in it and remembered my guidance telling me in a dream not long ago that I needed to look forward and stop lingering in the past. The truck was entirely too slow so the message was unavoidable.
Later in the day, during a conversation with my husband, I realized that I keep way too much inside. I have no close friends or family to vent to. I chose long ago to stop venting to my mother about my relationship and life because 1. it made my issues her issues, 2. she is my mother and so would immediately try to help and therefore become judgmental and critical, and 3. it invites her into my marriage, where she doesn’t belong. I don’t vent online really either. Sometimes I write in my private journal but writing is not the same as talking to someone. There is relief in verbal expression that one just can’t get through written words.
What ends up happening is that I vent onto my husband. Suddenly, everything I have not gotten to express comes gushing out and he takes it all as me blaming and making him wrong – which it really isn’t. He becomes defensive, then I become defensive and then our conversation breaks down.
The obvious solution would seem to be that I need to find someone, a friend, to talk with. The thing is that I probably wouldn’t share my marriage issues with even a friend for the same reasons I don’t share them with my mother. Sharing = inviting them into the problem so that they become a part of the problem. Now, if I had a friend who could just listen and offer support without judgment, hug me and share in turn, and who I could trust, then yeah I would vent away. Problem is those kinds of friend are few and far between and being I don’t have any friends to begin with these days it seems unlikely that will ever happen.
Communicating openly with my husband then is the only way to resolve this issue. I can’t hold it in but then he needs to not get defensive and judgmental. Last night, at least, we seemed to move in the right direction. Forward.
All the references to my throat chakra make a whole lot more sense to me now.
Prior to bed I was feeling optimistic. The conversation I had with my husband lingered in my thoughts. He had said something about noticing how much I had changed for the better. It made me smile and get a little emotional.
Dream: Putting Blinders On
I had a very in-depth dream about getting married to my husband. The setting was at my grandparents house in the country. I remember having an argument with my husband and him deciding to call off the wedding. When he did this I thought, “Oh well. If that’s what you want.” Then, he changed his mind and it was back on and I was surprised but accepted it.
In between this I was looking out the window and saw a group of white deer grazing. I got out my phone to take a video but it took entirely too long to get to the camera and then I accidentally took a picture. When I finally got to take video I saw the deer become spooked and run. They ran alongside the house. With them was a large, white horse.
The horse was very spooked and being it was so large it could potentially hurt someone. I remember someone saying, “Put blinders on him”. Eventually he settled down because he could only see what was in front of him.
Other Dreams and Considerations
I had another dream that followed this one where I was contemplating what it was like to be single versus what it is like to be married. I watched young people in an office setting flirting and dating. I felt to be older and wiser and better off being married. My husband and I sneaked into an office to watch a movie. We were laying down, his head on my chest, discussing how he had not seen the end scene before. I had no shirt or bra on and felt very relaxed and happy.
I recall a short dream where I was looking through my purse and found wads and wads of money. I began to count it and separate the bills by type. There were way more $1 bills than anything but it was a large sum of money. I was trying to keep an older man from seeing it, worried he might want to rob me, but he didn’t seem to care. I then left and went to the doctor to have some skin tags removed which had suddenly sprouted all over my body.
Then there was after that where I was in a chicken coup with a man. The two roosters had dug out a pit that was so deep it was holding water. Some hens jumped into the pit and began to swim. One went under the coup and I was worried the pit had been dug so deep that it allowed the chickens to escape. I said, “Uh oh! What if the hole goes under the foundation? What if they are trying to get out?” The man with me reassured me that they could not escape. I watched as a white chicken swam around in the muddy water thinking it odd.
Finally, as I was lingering in bed this morning, I saw the white horse from the first dream. I saw only it’s head and noticed it had blinders on.
I feel fairly positive this morning. My dreams give me hope, especially the ones about my husband. I have marriage dreams quite often but not many with my husband. To have him in my dreams is a shift in itself, which I feel is good. The feelings I felt were good. The deer symbolize domestication. The horse symbolizes freedom or a free spirit. White is purity. All are positive symbols. The blinders indicate there is a need to focus forward in order to calm the wild spirit of the horse. This goes very well with the “Forward” message I received.
The money in the short dream is about my perception of my ability to reach my goals. The more money, the more confidence. I also feel concern that it will be stolen, so there is fear of lack or of others taking from me what I have worked hard for. I then visit the doctor, which represents healing, to remove skin tags, which represent unwanted feelings or concerns.
The chicken dream is about courage. I often have dreams of chickens in various situations. In this instance they are confined but I worry they will escape. The pit is likely my subconscious or something out of my control. The muddy water is muddled emotion. I fear they will dig under the foundation and escape but am reassured they will not.
Went to bed feeling a bit unsettled. My chest was feeling odd and I had thoughts before bed that felt intrusive, as if I was being spoken to by a spirit with evil intent. The thoughts were the kind that induce the anxiety and then I start to feel like my heart is beating wrong or my chest hurts, etc. I believe it said things like, “You will die” but I can’t remember now exactly what it said, just that it was not good and sparked the anxiety response.
Lucid Dream: Are You My Friend?
I had lots of strange dreams but the one I recall now caused tears.
In the dream I was following this blonde woman around a suburban neighborhood. It felt a bit like The Walking Dead the way we were trying not to be seen or heard. We would go past a house and I would know that someone might be looking out the window and if they saw us would come out and attack (distrust in others). I recall telling the woman that I knew the man in one house was not good as I had seen him and his wife before and they were not right in the head.
Then we were in a house with others sitting in chairs as if in a group meeting. The woman was not paying me any attention but I wanted it very badly from her. I can’t remember what was said now but it led to the next part.
A vision appeared in front of me as if through a window. I could see people sitting in bleachers (spectators, not actively participating) all facing the same direction as if watching a game. My consciousness went through the window and into the scene. I was very lucid and had the thought, “I wonder if any of them were really my friends?” I was remembering when I spent time in TN with the walk-in group as well as the time I went to Mt. Shasta. The feeling of belonging was wonderful. I had felt to be truly part of something bigger. I felt seen and understood more than I had before and there was hope that I would not have to go through this life feeling so different from everyone anymore. Yet all of it vanished and is now gone as if it never was. So I wondered, was any of it ever real? Were any of them ever truly my friends?
Now in the scene with the people sitting in the bleachers I approached each of them, looking closely at them and seeming to recognize them, only they were not anyone I recall from this lifetime. I remember asking them one by one, “Are you my friend?” Most seemed not to hear me and I began to get upset and cry.
Eventually, though, they began to acknowledge me. One woman who looked Native American turned to me and said, “Yes.” Then another person and another. Each responded with compassion and emotion. With each response I began to feel relief and the relief turned to tears. Yet at the same time there was this sadness and a feeling that beyond the dream scene I could not trust any human to be true to their word. That all of them would betray my trust in some way. This caused me to feel even more alone.
Protect Yourself
My tears woke me up and I felt more certain than ever that some negative entity was intruding into my thoughts, brought back by the fear/panic/anxiety that has recently become such a nuisance. Each time I thought to consult with my guidance I would withdraw because the chance that what I received back could be influence by a negative entity was likely. With my mind quiet I feel even more alone, though. Yet I know that, like years ago, my internal dialogue right now needs to be strictly controlled.
Dreams and other incidences in my life suggest that I need to protect myself right now. Some examples are: 1. A friend recently told me I should protect myself, 2. Yesterday I came across an article about a man struggling with a “demon” that constantly sent him negative thoughts, and 3. Various dreams and messages to protect myself. I believe the silencing of my internal dialogue is part of protecting myself as is the awareness of what is getting through and its origins – like last night, when the negative statements created an instant panic response. This needs to be addressed. But how? I know that this entity feeds off my fear and insecurities. If “entity” is even the right word.
It may just be that this entity or whatever it is just comes about when my fear levels rise high enough or it could be that all along it has been there hiding, disguising itself as one of my guides and creating the upset. I know that early on in my journey (2004ish) I chose to stop talking to my “guides” because it became clear to me that they were not helpful. I stopped the internal dialogue and went into a Dark Night coming out the other side to a marriage and family but years of silence from my guidance until my OBEs returned as did my guidance. But the guidance was different (felt not heard) and I did not return to the constant internal conversation with them that I had before. It could be that I fell back into that routine out of a need for company and reassurance and the previous negative voice was unintentionally invited back.
In the past, silencing my internal dialogue worked. Perhaps it will again? I have been doing it so far fairly successfully but the fear brings it on and it is hard not to hear the negative thoughts. I have to consciously replace them with, “I am alright. I will be okay” along with thoughts about what is right and good about my life.
Then there is the feeling that I can’t really trust another human. It is a belief, really. I like to think that humans are innately good but my experience tells me another story. Perhaps it is just that humans will do what is in their best interest; they are selfish and preoccupied with the “I”. Men will say pretty much anything to get what they want. “I will never leave you” is a statement to be wary of. In fact, any statement that uses the words, “never” and “always” are flags to be wary of. Women will pretend to like you as long as you pretend to like them but won’t hesitate to say bad things about you to others rather than tell you personally what issues they have with you (passive-aggressive). Expectation and judgment is everywhere and creates constant conflict. It clings to humans like clothing.
I am left wondering if any of my experiences in this lifetime were what they seemed to be. The walk-in group and the people I met so disappeared practically over night. The period of time where I practiced mediumship and had hopes of making it my career – vanished as if it never was. The heart connection that blew me away,Ā disappeared as if just a dream. All the crazy but amazing “ET” encounters and Kundalini lessons have stopped as if they were just my imagination.
The only thing that has remained consistent is my family and mundane life experience. Husband, children, mother, brother, sisters, extended family – all the same with the same issues.
Then there is me feeling such loss when it comes to the spiritual and spiritual connections I have made. It makes me wonder if the “path” is even a path at all? Perhaps I have been tricked all along?
Ultimately, all I can do is go with how I feel on what to do and that means silence my internal dialogue the best I can and focus on the physical for a while.
I’ve been taking it easy and giving myself time to recover, heal and relax. While the week started out high-anxiety, I am finishing it feeling much more like my old self – well actually better because my anxiety level is lower than prior to the major panic attack in August.
I stopped drinking my half-caffeine cup of coffee in the morning four days ago. I suffered a bad headache that was not relieve by Ibuprofin the first day (caffeine withdrawal). By the second day my headache was pretty much gone and yesterday it was non-existent. This morning I am happily drinking a cup of decaf.
I’ve also added yoga again to my nightly routine. I stopped temporarily and never got back into it because of everything that was going on. This time I am doing Clubbell Yoga again, without the clubbell for now. I also continued my walks with Monty and upped the pace yesterday with some short periods of jogging here and there without incident. All the while I am tracking my heart rate to make sure it is recovering properly. At first my heart rate was spiking and then taking much too long to recover but it has been improving. I’m not where I was previously just yet but I think as I get a handle on my anxiety that it will get back to normal.
Yesterday I took some time to treat myself to a haircut and another visit to the nail salon. Getting out the door of my house was a bit nerve wrecking because I had thoughts of being hit with panic while driving and being away from home. The farther I drove from home the higher my anxiety went but I got a grip on it and by the time I walked into the hair salon all anxiety had vanished. My main thoughts were, “If I don’t drive, I never will. If I don’t go out on my own, I never will. If I give into the anxiety, it wins.” For me, the worst possible outcome of this anxiety lesson is the potential for me to withdraw further and further into myself and become completely disable by it.
With my background in counseling and personal experiences with anxiety, I am definitely a proponent of immersion therapy – confront it (fear, anxiety, panic) and it will lessen and eventually go away or become manageable. It works every time. If I know the anxiety is triggered by exercise then I keep exercising. If it is triggered by driving, then I keep driving. Yeah, that’s why I keep running and lifting weights, in case you were saying to yourself, “What the hell is she thinking!?” lol
Sometimes the only way I can confront the fear and panic is to get to the point where I can accept the worst case scenario. My inner dialogue is something like this, “If I have a panic attack in the store and end up collapsing, so be it. If I am driving and it happens and it feels like I am going to pass out, I will just pull over. If I end up in hysterics around random strangers, so what?” For me, the fear of being vulnerable and weak and out of control are the worst. I have to accept that asking for help is OK and there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable and/or weak.
The more conscious I am of my anxiety, the more I aware I am becoming of just how tense I am. My anxiety level is almost always at a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. The only time it is lower is if I am at home (or in a “safe” place) doing relaxing things like taking a bath, watching TV, mediating or….sleeping. lol Recently, I recognized that I tend to relax at the hair and nail salon, thus the frequent trip to get manicures (not my thing usually). When I get my nails done I get so relaxed that I start to get sleepy or I get this release response where I just want to cry in relief. Weird because the nail salon is usually very busy but they play calming music and there is something very calming about Asian women I think, too.
Overall, it feels like this sudden spurt of anxiety is a blessing in disguise. It is teaching me to pay attention to my body and to take care of my emotional and spiritual health by doing things that are relaxing and soothing. It is showing me my irrational side, the fearful inner child aspect, and just how important it is to her/me to feel safe and loved. I have become more cognizant of my thoughts and self-dialogue, especially those that can act to trigger panic. Instead of shutting the thoughts down I respond to them with love and acceptance, reminding myself that life is unpredictable and bad things will happen, but so will good things, and if I/we worry all the time about the bad things then we will miss the good ones. And I find myself living more in the present, which I think is the biggest help of all.
The more clear I get on this whole panic/anxiety crap, the more obvious it is to me that this is a MAJOR clearing, initiated by the Kundalini. She can be so brutal!! Resolution will only come with surrender and acceptance. I have to allow it to happen, even if it feels like it is going to kill me (which it literally does!).
Dream: Matchmaker
Shifting to another topic now. š I have to include this odd dream.
The dream began at a gathering. My husband was with me. There was a lady leading a group of people and assigning each person to another. It was soon obvious that it was a kind of matchmaking (choice to be made) group.
I was matched with this foreign (new, unfamiliar situation) man with dark hair and an accent. There I was standing with my husband looking at this man I was assigned to and thinking how weird it was. I balked, of course, and my husband began to nag me about it, insisting that I go along with the process.
The man and I spoke for a while. For some odd reason I presented him with a present. A small orange tree (good news). I asked him if it would do well in the area he lived. In my mind I saw Italy (romance, enjoyment of life). He assured me that it would do well, even thrive, and took my gift without hesitation. We talked a bit about the climate and I recall seeing a scene in my mind of where he was from. Then it was time to go and he left. I was given a slip of paper with instructions. The lady facilitator told me, “If you like him then you log into this forum at 11pm and continue to get to know each other. If not, then don’t.”
I put away the slip of paper. I did not intend to log in.
Then I was inside a Wal-Mart (a bargain) but sitting at a table as if in a restaurant. Three people came to join me. A couple and the man who I had just been assigned to previously. I felt very uncomfortable through the whole encounter. I remember being asked if I had to choose between two men, who would I choose. I told them the darker haired man would be my choice. There was a strange feeling present that is barely memorable now and hard to describe. It is kinda like a nervous apprehension.
We all left together and I lagged behind the group until I could no longer see them ahead of me. I walked and walked and ended up in an unfamiliar place. I realized I had kept walking when my car was parked right outside the Wal-Mart. I decided to look up the address on my phone, found the location and then started walking back. I knew to walk toward a large cathedral (spirituality), so I did.
As I walked I realized I had left my backpack (decisions and responsibilities that hinder me)behind. I worried at first but then realized I had everything I needed with me. Then I saw that I was only wearing my underwear (private self). I looked around and no one seemed to notice and I thought, “It must look like I am wearing a bathing suit (confronting uncertainty).”
It has been a rough week or so for me. One of those weeks when everything seems to snowball. Maybe the energy was primed for such a week. Who knows. All I know is that I am glad for it to be (seemingly) over.
First off, I’ve been extremely fatigued. I am still not sure if it is a lingering mystery illness, stress, hormones, or some vitamin deficiency. The heart racing episode I had over a week ago seems to have been the starting point (you can read about it here). Mornings tend to be the worst but are gradually getting better. The drugged feeling was similar to how I felt after my c-section surgery in 2014. Back then it was anemia that was the culprit. The tiredness got so severe that I felt like I did when I went to Hawaii earlier this year – like really bad jet lag.
My response to the fatigue has been to take a week off from working out and just listen to my body. I also started taking B vitamins and iron supplements just in case I am slightly anemic.
I’ve also been extremely depressed, emotional, and full of anxiety and worry. When I tune into the anxiety I usually end up crying. There is pit of emotion that seems to be the source of the anxiety along with that empty feeling I’ve had all my life. The emptiness seems to have no end. I think I have been descending into it slowly for a while now.
With all my own personal stuff, there has been chaos in the physical. First, my youngest had a mysterious illness that lasted almost a week. He got a bad headache and fever as well as fatigue to the point that he would sleep most of the day. He would cry about the headache, I would give him medicine, he would sleep and then the cycle would repeat. It scared me that it lasted so long and I was a bundle of worry the whole time. Eventually, his fever broke and then he had diarrhea for a little while.
Of course, my husband was out of town the entire time my son was sick. š¦
To top it all off, Saturday my dog Monty was brutally attacked by a Boxer mix on our morning walk. The dog got out of the house by mistake, saw Monty, and went immediately into kill mode. He latched onto the top of Monty’s neck and would not let go. The owners were there but could not get their dog to release Monty. They were yelling and screaming, hands on their dog’s head and in his mouth as I watched helpless and Monty yelped and tried unsuccessfully to get to his attacker. Eventually, about 3 minutes later and after the owner asked an onlooker to get a garden hose, the dog released Monty.
One of the owners asked me to take her name and number. I happened to have my phone with me. I never bring it but did that morning. She typed in her info, hands shaking and covered in blood. I walked Monty home and then called my husband for help. He was working and could not come help me and I began to cry from the overwhelm. He called the owner and got her to come over and drive me and Monty to an emergency vet. She stayed with me for three hours and paid the bill when we left.
Monty had several puncture wounds in his neck but was otherwise okay. He came home with pain meds and antibiotics. Today. two days later, he is doing much better, but the day after he barely moved and had me quite worried.
Monty at the vet after they shaved him and treated his wounds.
Yesterday, hit with morning fatigue and feeling weak, I ended up in panic mode having to talk myself through a sense of impending doom. Thankfully it worked and by late afternoon, after a trip for a manicure-pedicure and some me-time, I felt much better.
On the drive home, after seeing an unexpected rainbow on a sunny day, the memory of the heart bliss came to me. As I began to accept the amazing feeling, it felt to be a message of hope. The feeling and memory returned later that evening. Rather than the feeling coming from just one guide it felt to be coming from many. Once acknowledged the feeling faded but it helped and that is what matters most.
Dream – Plane Tickets
Sleep came easily and my dreams were memorable.
In this dream, I was told that my youngest was selected for an all-expenses paid trip to what looked in my mind like Africa (going home or to your “roots”) but it was an island. This was the location of First Contact and the entire nation was focused on the event. My son could be accompanied by two adults and for some odd reason I gave the tickets to my BIL and SIL. It was only later that I discovered the trip would last two months and I regretted giving away my ticket then. I remember saying, “No one told me he would be gone that long!”
At one point I was able to convince the government to give me and my husband tickets as well. There was an entire portion of the dream where I received an email with passport number and clearance. Then, I recall getting to the plane (moving into different state of being) right as it was about to take off. The plane was one of those huge ones with a big door on the back. The door was closed and they were not going to let us on but at the last minute they did. Inside were many more people than just my family.
When we arrived I was sent to a house with some of my family. I don’t recall too much here except that they had been there a while and not taken out the trash. I bundled up the trash bags (something needs to be taken care of, removed) and moved them into a corner below a broken shelf.
We got into a government vehicle and went to another house where my husband was staying. I recall driving by a very nice house that a family acquaintance was put in. I remember wondering why it was he got to live alone.
When we got to the other house it was in a cul-de-sac (resistance to change) and an armed guard was standing near the entrance. The last thing I recall is driving out and thinking it odd a guard was there. Then there was shift into the next dream.
Dream – Island of Healing
The cul-de-sac disappeared and I found myself alone standing on a road on an island (solitude, self-reliance). Tall, green grass (healing) was on either side of me and I could see the water in the far distance. The road was two lane and smooth. I walked with my dog, Monty, along the road for some time, up and down rolling hills, taking in the spectacular views. I remember feeling relieved of all worry and concern. It was a wonderful feeling!
It felt like I was alone on the island but it didn’t bother me one bit. I was just taking a casual stroll on a remote island somewhere. Monty was running ahead of me. I could see the wounds from the dog attack vividly but he did not act wounded.
Monty saw something and began barking and running toward it. As I focused in on it I realized it was a horse (freedom) or pony. I ran after him, concerned, but the horse ignored him and continued to walk wherever it was going.
When I got to Monty he was sniffing the horse’s hoof and growling suspiciously at it. I saw someone approaching and apologized saying he was just being protective and was likely a bit scared after the dog attack he endured recently. The man came closer and smiled. He was very black and tall and I got the sense got from him was that he was part of an island tribe. It felt like Australia to me for some reason but again it looked a lot like Africa. I am not sure where I was.
The man asked me what I thought of the place. That is when I noticed a huge bookcase (knowledge/understanding) in front of me. It was very out of place considering we were outside in the middle of nowhere on an island. Yet there it was. A bookcase full of books and other odds and ends. I recall seeing three rows of encyclopedias on the top shelves and other items in the center shelves. I remember touching one of the items. It was a figurine made of a smooth, black substance like coral. I responded that I hoped he didn’t mind me being there looking through his things. He told me I was welcome and motioned to someone standing on the other side of me. I turned to my left and a tall, very dark black woman was standing there. She also appeared tribal to me. She asked me, “What do you think?” I remember telling her, “I want to stay here forever.”
The two tribes people took me to another individual who resembled the character, William, on the show This is Us that I have been watching lately. He was seated and being asked questions. The first question he was asked was, “Are you prepared?” He answered, “Yes.” Then he was asked, “Who prepared you?” He replied after a brief pause, “God.”
Suddenly, I became quite lucid. I recognized the man from the show, knew I was dreaming and that the questions being asked of him were also being asked of me. I remember being asked, “Are you prepared?” I answered, “Yes”. Then I was asked, “Who prepared you?” I answered, “I did.” Then a third question was asked, “What did you prepare for?” I answered, “Life and death.”
As I answered these questions I felt/saw/sensed my heart chakra. What is odd here is that the chakra was being held by many hands. The hands were pulling the heart open. There were so many hands. They were touching one another, each with a firm grip on the edges of my heart. The hands and the edges were golden in color and light was in the center. The light expanded as the hands pulled on the heart, opening it wider and wider.
Living from the Heart
I woke up feeling loved and cared for. I did not want to leave that place.
A voice, one of the Many surrounding me, spoke with me for a while. I was asked, “What do you want?” I asked to go Home. I was asked why and I explained and felt understood. I recognized the dream message. I knew I was prepared but I still did not wish to continue. I feel tired and worn out.
A discussion about expectation ensued after that. I realized that the reason I felt so at peace in that island place was because everyone there accepted me just as I am. There was no expectation imposed upon me. I was perfect and accepted. But here, in this harsh world, I feel everyone’s expectations of me all the time. No one accepts me as I am. They want something from me and if I can’t give it they try to force it and/or they reject me. I know I do the same and we discussed how I can change that. It has to do with living from the heart but I could not see how it was possible. I remember hearing, “We will show you.”
I saw how the first dream reflected how I put what others wants before my own. Rather than go with my son on the trip I sent his aunt and uncle because I knew they would want it. I tend to try and be what others want of me and feel loss if I fail to accomplish this.
Dream and Message
I fell back to sleep and into a semi-lucid dream. I was with a group inside a place of learning. We were in the corner of a large gymnasium-type room. Books and backpacks were nearby. I recall seeing people I have known in this life. One woman recently met and fell in love and I saw her walk away with her partner, smiling. I remember judging her, though, because of her obesity and thinking it “gross” for her to be sexual. I was immediately ashamed for thinking that and quickly replaced the judgement with acceptance.
Class was let out and I left along with many others. A cheer leading (encouragement, motivation) class was coming in and I watched as they practiced. I then realized I had left my shoes (life direction) and went back inside to look for them. I walked back to the corner and saw several different pairs of shoes. Some were small, like children’s shoes, others looked to be from other cultures with curled up toes and made of leather. I found my shoes on a stool. They were brown leather slip-on shoes similar to penny loafers (comfort in work). I picked them and up and as I was leaving a group began to talk to me about music.
I sat with them, joking around a while about different songs from long ago. I remember telling them how I never could keep up with my friends and their ability to remember artist, song, and album names. I said, “I was lucky if I could recall any of that!” A guy there laughed and I remember feeling a connection to him and thinking, “We are the same.” He mentioned a song and I remember saying, “Isn’t that byĀ Mike and the Mechanics?”Ā Then everyone laughed meaning I was probably very wrong (lol). Note: I had to look up that band when I woke because I had no idea what songs they are famous for.Ā
I ended up hanging out with the group but we made so much noise that the cheer leading class was getting annoyed with us.
The last thing I recall is sitting very closely behind the guy who I had been laughing with. He turned over his right shoulder and kissed me. I returned the kiss and could feel it very physically. It was nice but before I allowed myself to really enjoy it I pulled away and said to him, “I can’t.” He said to me, “But you want to.” And I replied, “Yes, I do.”
My lucidity caused me to wake up but not before the man gave me a name and a message. He said, “Patrick Flowers” and sent a song message. The words were, “You will love again” but the melody was to Michael Jackson’s song, You Are Not Alone. I also remember writing down his name and what I think was a date of 8-31. The information woke me completely, though, and I lost the date information, but not the name.
Considerations
The dreams from last night do not surprise me. Prior to bed I had been thinking of the heart bliss and wishing I could feel it all the time. I miss it! My guidance told me that I could and I felt it was impossible. They said, “We will show you how.” I didn’t really expect to have such vivid dreams, especially the part where I saw my heart being opened by so many hands! Sadly, my heart doesn’t feel any more open today than yesterday. š¦
I’m definitely going through a rough period in my life. Too many losses and I am not doing anything really right now that I enjoy. With the weird tiredness, heart speed-ups and panic attacks I have even stopped exercising, which was one of the only things that made me feel good (but not joyful). I recognize that it may mean that I need to slow way down and do some inner work and healing. I can’t say I am very good at listening. Probably why my body is starting to make me listen. Nothing like scary heart speed-ups and panic attacks to scare a person into listening.
If I had to put how I feel in one word I will have to steal from an episode of This is Us that I watched last night. Mandy Moore’s character was telling her husband that she had no life and described herself as a “Ghost”. That is how I feel and I completely relate.
To end, the results of my search of Mike + the Mechanics.
Living Life in Between 