Just realized I haven’t updated on my cabin and land in a long while. So this is a quick update on that as well as an update on other more mundane things going on with me.
All construction and updating is complete. Yay!
The garage with additional room/bathroom was finished a few weeks ago, right around my last day of work. The first image below is the shower of the 3/4 bath (fixtures are there now but this is the only pic I have). I don’t have a pic of the whole bathroom yet but it is of a similar style to the shower. It has a composting toilet because the location required another septic tank. The gray water is eliminated through a main pipe down the hill towards the pond (perfectly legal for the area).The second image is the front of the garage. You can see the entrance to the addition to the right. The final image is of the cabin, garage and shed from the road.
Below are two pics of the shed after the roof was replaced. There was rotting siding and the floor was uneven. The pictures following are of the completed shed. I turned it into my gym but it has plumbing and a hot water heater. It is close enough to the septic to have a toilet installed but I didn’t bother since I am not there enough to justify the expense.
These last two pics are a before and after of the pond shed. I didn’t get the interior done because it is just for fishing poles and supplies. I had the siding replaced and had them seal it so critters couldn’t get in. Racoons and rats had been leaving messes in it.
I really want to fix the wooden bridge at some point but it is functional for now.
Update on Me
I moved into an apartment on Oct 17. I decided to get an apartment across from the subdivision where the family home is located because my ex was making it very difficult for me to see the kids. The decision was not typical of me. I tend to make safe decisions in life. I would have preferred to have a job first! However, it worked out perfectly. I was offered the school counseling position just two weeks later. I just signed my contract and am set to start work next Tuesday.
Health-wise I am struggling with elevated blood pressure and insomnia. The stress this year has begun to impact me physically. 😦 I think I may have gotten my sleep handled (HRT), but am still working on the high BP. I got prescribed a medication but it isn’t really doing anything. I hate being on meds! I am hoping the BP comes down as my stress levels decrease only I don’t know when that might be. Being in communication with my ex, who seems intent on threats and harassment, doesn’t make for a low stress environment. I also just learned that my testosterone level is elevated, so now I have to get it checked again to rule out underlying issues.
The good news about my new job is I get healthcare at no cost to me. I would normally decline health insurance but I think it would be wise considering my above mentioned health concerns. I also think it is about time I found a therapist.
Finally, I am fed up with my dry eyes and inability to wear contacts. I don’t want to wear glasses anymore. They make me look old, they’re a PITA when I workout and I have to clean them all the time. So, I am looking into getting refractive lens replacement. This should almost entirely eliminate my need for glasses and also prevent me from developing cataracts in the future. 🙂
Sickness has been prevalent in my household and my extended families’ households since mid-December. Based upon what I have heard from friends, acquaintances and the media, this is happening all over. The media says it is Omicron, but other viruses are involved also. The “fluvid”, a mixture of Covid and the flu, a regular chest/head cold virus and the intestinal flu are going around.
In my family specifically we were all hit with a cold-like illness around Christmas. My husband and middle son got the worst of it, with my son spiking a 102 degree temp with a sore throat and headache. Both later developed coughing with mucus that lasted about a week. My other son and daughter did not get it and I only developed the coughing part which lasted about a week. For me, the coughing was just annoying (only in the morning and at night) but my husband and son were both miserable. My other son only got a mild cough and runny nose but never once complained and it didn’t slow him down one bit.
Then both my BIL’s families caught the same illness. Since they were tested for Covid (negative) we didn’t bother to test.
When we returned to work, I discovered a coworker had Covid over the break. She told me she wanted to die when she had it, saying, “It felt like I was being stabbed with knives all over.” She took the hydroxy stuff everyone raves about and in three days felt much better, though she was extremely weak and had to have her son’s help.
That same week my step-father got sick, also, but did not get tested because his symptoms were so mild. He had the same cold symptoms as everyone in the family had over Christmas break.
Then this week my middle son (poor baby) came down with the intestinal bug and had that for 24 hours and two days ago my MIL tested positive for Covid as did my BIL and SIL. My BIL and SIL have no symptoms but they also just had the cold that spread through our families (and tested negative for Covid then). My MIL is struggling but okay, her symptoms similar to the cold we all had but a bit more severe.
When I heard my MIL had Covid and so did my BIL and SIL, I immediately wondered about the accuracy of the test. I’ve heard the test is not very accurate and since my BIL and SIL’s family just had what my family had (the bad cold), I can’t help but wonder if it was Omicron all along but the test failed to detect it until after. I’ll never know but it does seem feasible especially since, in my family, my daughter didn’t get the cold at all and I got a very, very mild version of it. We are the only ones vaccinated in our family (except my mom who, BTW, also did not catch the ‘cold’, while her partially vaccinated husband got a mild version).
AnIntuitive Health Warning
Prior to and during all this sickness, I’ve been feeling/sensing a need to slow down and listen to my body. The warning has increased in the last couple of weeks and I’m beginning to pay more attention as I notice how tired I am in general and how my body responds to my routine.
My guidance has posed some questions for my consideration. Do I really want to put so much effort into my diet and exercise? How does the exercise I have been doing make me feel? Do I want to feel that way? What could I do that I would enjoy instead?
This consideration comes with a sense that I need to pay attention and follow my intuition rather than ignore it. It isn’t a feeling of “oh no!” like I have gotten in the past, but more of a persistent nudge.
For the first question: Do I really want to put so much effort into my diet and exercise? My answer is: Not really. I mostly exercise out of habit and boredom. I also exercise because I feel that if I don’t that I will become less healthy, less physically attractive and have less control over my body. I try and eat healthy and avoid eating certain things or indulging. I use to track everything I ate but noticed it was becoming a bit obsessive and not making me feel good so stopped doing it.
I realized recently that my diet and exercise habits stem from a deep sense of worthlessness and need to prove myself. This is in line with my completely open heart center in HD. An open heart center also causes me to tend to agree to and try to stick to plans/activities/etc. but not really have the energy or ability to do so. I have not experienced this as much as the need to prove myself, but only because I have learned to say no more often than yes. In the past, I would say yes, feel pressured to stick to what I agreed to and then have negative experiences.
My diet and exercise habits also come from an open root center that can cause me to feel a constant pressure to do, do, do. I become almost frantic if I do not follow a schedule or routine. This is not just in terms of diet and exercise but in other areas of my life as well. In HD this pressure is from an open root center. It says, “I’m in a hurry to get things done”. It causes me to rush about, trying to get rid of the pressure but nothing I do will get rid of it. I have to learn to live with the pressure.
As for the second question: How does the exercise I have been doing make me feel? Well, lately not so good. I don’t want to finish or just don’t feel like it. I would rather go for a walk while listening to relaxing music, do deep stretching, do short bursts of cardio, or just do nothing at all. I have already started to shift away from weight training, decreasing the number of days I work out and taking more time to stretch and relax. This week I feel like doing no weight bearing exercise at all. I went for a run on Monday and enjoyed it but should’ve run less and walked more. I’ve since chosen to take long walks and do limited bodyweight exercises.
Lately I am more tired than usual, sleeping deeper and wanting to stay in bed longer. This could be a sign that my body needs more rest. I should listen to my body rather than push it so frequently. It can lead to illness and burnout, which my 2nd line body is prone to anyway.
The final couple of questions: Do I want to feel that way (the way my routine makes me feel)? What could I do that I would enjoy instead? Sometimes I get an exercise high and I love that feeling. Lately, I’ve not been getting that high much. I tire more quickly, feel exhausted or anxious and get low blood sugar more than I like. What other things could I do that I would enjoy? The other night singing came to mind, so maybe I could try singing a bit more. Sleep is always one of my favorite things to do! So that is definitely on the list.
I feel like I should look back on my youth and what I enjoyed back then.
If I go to my youngest years, exploring nature, being outside, swimming, fishing, and drawing were what I did the most. In my teen years I enjoyed reading, taking care of the chickens and other birds we had on our property, gardening, singing, baking (and eating it lol), and sleeping (the best sleep ever in my teens!). Most of what I enjoyed back then were solitary activities and I am still like that today. I still enjoy gardening, singing, cooking/baking, nature and animals. It wasn’t until my late 20’s that spirituality came into my life and was added as my favorite past time.
In my teens I was “chunky” and didn’t eat very healthy. I use to eat whatever I wanted. If it tasted good, I ate it. I weighed on average about 10-15lbs more than I do now because of it. It wasn’t until I got married that I changed after seeing a picture of myself that showed how fat and unhealthy I was. This shifted me into some extremely very unhealthy habits that included binging and purging and exercising too much. I don’t want to shift to that extreme again but I also don’t want to become that overweight, sluggish, unhealthy me either. I need to find a good balance where I keep moving and eating healthy without over or under restricting, and give myself plenty of rest and breaks. Honestly, I would love to not care like I did as a kid.
This past weekend my family took the RV to a lake I often frequented in my youth. It was beautiful but a bit cold outside. I tried fishing but had no luck. I also went for a walk with my daughter and then with my son. When walking with my daughter I found a couple of cork bobbers and a fishing lure along with a bottle of lighter fluid. I found two fossilized seashells when walking with my son. He found one right after I did and was super excited about it. He said, “This is why I love going for walks! I always find something cool.” He is a 2/4 Pure Generator so it is no wonder he loves being outside and exploring. It’s a hermit thing. 😉
It is times like the above the I really enjoy these days. Spending time in nature with my kids, either all together or one-on-one, can be a wonderful thing. I love that I have two, 2/4 Generating sons that really appreciate the outdoors, nature, wildlife and all that is has to offer. They don’t feel the need to constantly talk or over-think things. We can walk happily together in silence.
So, I guess I am going to slow down when it comes to exercise, replacing it will more enjoyable, peaceful moments in nature and with my children. We will see what comes of this change. It could open new doors by just allowing me to see something I didn’t notice was there before. And considering all the sickness around me, these changes will ensure my immune system remains strong.
For a little over two weeks now I have been working on flexibility. It is my belief that the body reflects the Soul, and as such the aura and related blockages tend to manifest in physical body issues that, if not addressed, can become exacerbated over time.
For example, someone who has had a life-long issue with a blockage in their throat chakra will at first find their neck sore, have tension headaches, develop seasonal allergies, experience a sore and/or scratchy throat, or have other irritating but manageable problems that come and go. However, if the blockage continues unresolved, major issues such as thyroid problems or worse can develop.
In my case, my issues tend to be in my hips. My hips are tight and inflexible in certain positions. I also often get female menstrual symptoms in that area that can be quite uncomfortable. Often, when the Kundalini rises, I have residual soreness in my hips and lower abdomen. All of this points to my lower chakras – first and second specifically – being out of balance.
Recently I have also noticed I have horribly tight shoulders. This is a high heart chakra related issue but also directly related to the hours I spend at a computer or huddled over my Iphone. As a CPT and trained in muscle imbalances I know that my tight hips and shoulders are connected and to fix one I have to also address the other.
My goal, then, has been to work on my tight shoulders and hips at least twice a day. Typically I begin with foam rolling and follow up with deep stretches. This regime takes about 15 minutes, twice a day, sometimes more depending on how stiff I am. If I am working out that day, then I do two more stretching sessions, before and after my workout. Yeah, that is a lot of stretching.
As a way to measure my progress I am focusing on my deep squat, or yogi squat. I am unable to go deep into the squat because of my tight hips and calves. The only way to remedy this is to continue to practice a modified version of the yogi squat consistently and over time the muscles will get use to their new positions and adjust. To give you an idea of how bad my squat is, I have to hold onto something in order to get all the way down, otherwise I fall backward if I go below parallel. Currently, I can do 1 minute at a time before my hips begin to bother me and I have to stand up. I should be able to 4 minutes without holding onto anything for support. So I have a very long way to go.
Here is an article about the yogi squat you might find interesting. If you also struggle to get low into the squat the article can help you figure out why and give you steps to address it.
When it comes to shoulders, my goal is to be able to sit in cow faced pose without discomfort. I am able to manage the seated portion fairly easily (yay!) but the arms/shoulders are another issue. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, grab my hands or fingers in the back. I have to use a towel and even then my right shoulder is very stiff when I come out of the pose. So, like with my hips. I have to work out the knots first and then do some deep stretches to loosen up my chest and shoulders.
While also stretching twice a day I am now sitting differently and changing the way I move. When I need to bend over and get something, I squat to do it, even if it means that my heels are off the ground. When I sit at my computer I sit in a low seat that forces my calves into a flexed position. When I am in bed on my computer I sit cross legged for as long as I can or take butterfly pose. So far, these daily lifestyle changes seem to be making the most difference. Not that the stretching isn’t helping, it is, but lifestyle changes put those stretches to use.
In the end, just working on the physical issues is not enough, I know that. An old saying that was often said when I was in massage school applies here – The issues are in the tissues. When I was in massage school I was giving and receiving at least one deep tissue massage a day. I soon discovered that I had bouts of crying and other intense emotion that would come and go. This, I was told, were the issues releasing as my body healed. Pretty awesome, huh? So, I am certain that as I address my current flexibility issues that issues will arise for resolution in much the same way.
Get Flexible!
Anyone want to join me? You don’t have to do my intense regime. You can simply devote 15 minutes a day to stretching. I also recommended getting a good quality foam roller and some lacrosse and tennis balls which are great for working out knots in places like the chest, shoulders, lats (underarms), back and other harder to reach areas.
Below are some of the tools I use:
Foam roller – Triggerpoint GoFit Roll-on Massager – I love this tool! I got mine at Academy but have seen it at Target, too.
BodyGlove massage bar (they have one on the GoFit website, too) – great for quadriceps.
Double ball (for thoracic spine/back)
Not shown – tennis ball
If you have no idea how to use these tools, check out the how-to videos here. There are also tons on YouTube. Basically, you roll a muscle area (thighs, back, calves, etc) and when you feel soreness or sensitivity you stop and hold firm for 30 seconds. Then follow with 30 seconds of stretching for the muscle you just foam rolled.
Here are some videos I recommend for stretching:
If you decide to try this, give it at least 30 days. You will be tempted to give up because if you are tight some of the poses will be uncomfortable (they should never hurt, though). I break a sweat from the intensity sometimes, especially those stretches involving my hips and shoulders. Ugh! But, you should begin to notice you are less stiff as you progress.
Good luck and let me know how it goes! I will be updating with my own progress over time.
I’ve been sleeping very deeply so my dreams escape me when I awaken most morning. This morning, I woke early and upon returning to bed I mentioned that I would like to remember my dreams. My request was granted.
Dream: Fish Aquarium and Peacocks in the Sky
In this dream I was inside my Mom’s house. There was a fish aquarium (emotional state, controlled situation that is safely contained), in the corner up on a stand. I remember this was the focus of my of my attention throughout the dream. I remember going into the back room (which was there in the late 80’s and early 90s and later demoed). When I looked back I saw something was wrong with the aquarium. A dark cloud of debris (negative situation) was forming in the center. I went to take a closer look and saw that the aquarium had fallen on its side and the contents of the filter got into the tank. I immediately worked to fix it and spent a long time looking for more stable stands for it to sit on. I could not find one that was stable, though. Everything wobbled. Ultimately, I set it on the floor in the corner because it was the only way to keep it from tipping again. Still, though, the soft carpet made it wobble some and this bothered me and distracted me. There was a feeling that some kind of darkness or negativity would come in and push it over but there was nothing present to suggest anything or anyone was around to do that.
Eventually I went outside, noting the back room and the starkness of it. It was shifty and obviously there only from my memory of the past. Those times were upsetting for me being I was only 12-13 years old.
I went outside and sat by the pool, looking up at the sky. It was dark outside and the sky was a strange shade of purple mixed with gray. I think my older sister was there, or else she was mentioned. The whole time I was focused on the sky and how it shifted and tumbled as if a big storm (upset in life) was forming. As I watched the sky I saw a beautiful peacock (rebirth, renewal, hope, success) flying through the sky, only its wings never spread but remained by its side. I pointed up and said, “But look! There are peacocks in the sky! I love peacocks!” The peacock was bright and had a bubble of light around it that broke through the stormy clouds as it streaked across the horizon.
Then my Mom was talking about taking a group of people past our back fence (barrier) into another area. I saw in my mind a group walking through trees in low light but when they reached the fence the other side was clear and bright. I recall hearing, “Once we go past the property line we will be free.”
Dream: Almost There
In this dream I was inside a room. I can’t recall any details about the room. A conversation was going on between myself and a man. He was asking me about my work/job. What I recall about my “work” was that my purpose was to sleep with men and then give them an honest accounting of my experience and let them know what they needed to improve and what they excelled at. The man speaking to me was questioning my work. I felt I needed to explain that what I was doing was helping these men so they could learn how to be better lovers. The man talking to me was convinced but upset.
I remember three men stood in front of me. I had slept with all of them and given them an honest account of my experience with them. I remember turning to an older black man and complimenting him saying he was the best of the three by far. The older man was very humble and seemed surprised by my appraisal of his ability. I remember knowing that sometimes I had to tell the truth even when it was not wanted. The example that came to mind was telling a man his genital area was unexceptional and small and that he needed to compensate for that. lol
Then just me and the man I was talking to remained in the space. I could see the man very clearly. He had messy blonde hair and wore round spectacles (clarity, insight) that were a bit too big for his face. He seemed very young to me, maybe 20s. The man was concerned still about my work and seemed to be a bit whiny and insecure about our relationship. I spent time reassuring him while kissing him and laying very close. I could feel our connection at the heart. In my memory the feeling of our connection is calming and beautiful but I can also see images, like spots of color that moved and blended and breathed. The image took the place of all other images in my memory, as if we were the color and had no bodies at all.
I lay on top of him, kissing him and telling me he had nothing to worry about. I remember that he was naked and upon recognizing this, I pulled back to take a look. He was indeed naked and his male parts completely soft. I realized he was impotent and took note of this for later. My lucidity was peaking and so I was noting things to take back with me into waking reality.
I lay back on top of him, my chest over the top of his, and continued to kiss him gently and reassure him. Our connection would spark up and spread and then die down only to spark up again. The energy felt somewhat like popcorn as it burst, rose and fell.
There was this clarity that came to me then, and I realized that my work was nearly complete. I said to him, “There’s just one more step. We’re almost there. Just one last step and I’m done.” With this is a feeling of relief, as if I was feeling what he was feeling. I could also see the progression of the path I/we had been on and very clearly the last portion of the path ahead. It was so brief a glimpse that my memory is just of a flash of a road map, as if viewed on a small paper held in my hand. There is a greenish glow to it.
When I woke a portion of a song was going through my head, “Wanna have you near me. I wanna have you hear me sayin’, no one needs you more than I need you.”
It felt as if the dream was me talking to a part of myself, the masculine aspect, who currently feels impotent and unable to effect change in the way he wants to in life. The feminine part appears to be helping others see themselves. This is her “work” and how she helps others. She is explaining this to the masculine side who is attempting to get her sole attention. The answer she offers is that she is almost finished and on the last step or stage of the journey.
Considerations
Together the two dreams suggest a period of uncertainty and powerlessness that will eventually end. This is somewhat of a relief but then endings usually mean another beginning and there is such exhaustion felt right now that I struggle to look forward to yet another beginning.
Just last night I was thinking of how my life might look if it were a chart or graph. The up’s and down’s graphed as waves and troughs. The low periods lasting much longer than the high periods. So perhaps this thought bled through into my dreams.
Health Issues
This week I had an incident that has left me a bit shaken. As you may or may not remember, in the past I have had low blood sugar attacks when working out that led to major panic attacks from the fear of passing out or worse. This all began in 2016 and has ebbed and flowed, getting better for a time only to return.
Well, on Wednesday this week I was exercising and suddenly my heart rate spiked and would not come down. I had to stop and lay down and wait for it to pass. The entire time I was taking long, deep breaths but no matter how deeply I breathed it felt like I wasn’t getting enough oxygen.
Once recovered I ate a handful of peanut M&M’s and decided to run a bath to relax but some random family things occurred that caused me to get irritated and my heart rate spiked again. This time it stayed elevated for way too long and I got scared that I would indeed pass out or worse. I called my husband and stayed close to the floor as I waited it out. My husband texted back that he was on a conference call and so I asked my daughter to bring me up some peanut butter crackers.
When eating the crackers I realized I had absolutely no saliva so had to crawl to the sink to get water. It was the strangest thing! I sat on the floor in the bathroom eating and drinking my way through about 15 minutes of racing heart, dizziness and headache until finally I started to feel more normal. By the time my husband came home I was better, soaking in my bath. It was not until then that I starting crying.
The whole experience really shook me up. Panic attacks always do but they never last more than a few minutes, max. This was over a half hour! The feeling of not getting enough oxygen was the worst part. It felt like I was drowning. Every breath a gasp for air that seemed not to fulfill my body’s need for oxygen. Heart pounding in my chest, light-headed, and terrified that if I passed out I would not wake up.
Two days later, feeling fully recovered and well fed, I attempted to workout again, going slowly through the workout and taking longer breaks. Yet still my heart began to race and I had to lay down and breathe through it. Thankfully, it lasted only a couple of minutes and I was able to complete my workout without issue. This time it was definitely panic and not blood sugar. It may make working out from home difficult from here on out as environment tends to trigger the panic. 😦
Last night I noticed my heart was fluttering a bit, which it tends to do now and again ever since my first pregnancy. Despite knowing it is totally normal for me, it made me worry a bit and my mind started racing thinking of all the “what if’s”. What if this is it? What if my body is giving out? What if all the Kundalini, OBEs and other crazy spiritual experiences have taken a toll? My heart does tend to race when OOB and sometimes I have struggled to breathe, gasping for air. My guides have even warned me that going OOB can strain the heart (or my heart anyway).
And then I thought that I would be fine if this was it. If a doctor suggests I get on medicine like my mom I won’t do it. If surgery is suggested I won’t do it. I am fine if this is the beginning of the end. I just don’t like the panic part. Maybe I can move through the panic by holding onto the thought that it is only temporary and better things await around the corner? I did decide that when open-enrollment comes around at work that I will get coverage just in case. Then, if ever I do pass out (God forbid), the ambulance and emergency room will be covered.
And I went to sleep happy with whatever the outcome.
My daughter and I were out back-to-school shopping most of the afternoon. My husband had taken our two youngest and two other children to the water park.
My daughter and I went to Schlotsky’s for dinner and short break from shopping. Mid-way through dinner my husband called me. He told me that I needed to come pick them up. He said he had hit his head and felt like he was going to throw up. He was asking me questions and telling me the names of our children as if to remind himself of who he was.
At the time I thought he was playing a prank. He is known for such things. So I played along, answering his repeated questions and telling him that I thought he was playing a joke on me. Eventually, though, after he repeated himself more than a few times and kept saying, “I’m scared. I’m scared”, I asked him to put our son on the phone. When I talked to our son and asked him what was going on with his dad he said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with daddy.” Then I asked him to tell me what happened. He said that he and daddy bumped heads and that his head was hurting and started to cry on the phone. I told him to give the phone back to his dad. My husband continued to repeat himself, asking me to come get them. I told him to put a park employee on the phone but before he could do that I received a phone call from the mother of one of the kids that was with them. When I switched lines, my husband hung up on me.
When I called back, my husband picked up and I told him what the mother had told me. I asked if he could be home soon and he said, “Yes ma’am.” I realized it was not my husband talking to me but whoever it was put the phone down. I listened in for a while and realized my husband was talking to someone about a head injury. I was positive then that he had not been joking around with me and that something serious had happened.
We left the restaurant. In the car I called back and my husband picked up the phone but handed it over to someone right away. A paramedic got on the phone and told me that my husband had a head injury but the eye test indicated he was okay. However, they wanted me to come pick him up because they didn’t want him to drive.
Then I received another phone call from the mother and she told me the paramedics had called her, too. She said she would meet me at the park.
When we arrived at the park I checked in and waited for them to escort me back to my husband. I called the mother to see if she had arrived and she had. She told me that she would watch our kids because the paramedics were going to take my husband to the E.R. She said my husband was repeating himself and I laughed it off saying it was normal. She said, “This is not normal.”
Inside the park my husband was in good spirits. He was smiling and chatty, walking around looking like he had just won a prize. The paramedics were around him and one approached me and informed me again that he thought my husband had a concussion from an accident where he and my son collided. He suggested I take him to the E.R. and explained why. Thankfully my son was okay.
Ultimately, I could not decide whether to take my husband to the E.R. He didn’t want to go and he can be very resistant and overpowering and I didn’t want to risk that. I called his brother and his brother suggested we wait and see and that he would meet me there. When I discussed this with the paramedic he said that would be okay considering the eye test administered and my husband’s overall condition, but that we should take him to the E.R. if he gets worse.
When my BIL arrived we met him up at the front. My husband talked the entire time, repeating the same questions over and over again. We lingered at the front for a while with my BIL. My husband was really happy and talking a mile a minute, repeating himself and asking questions about things that just happened that were not accident related. I took a video of him telling what he remembered, it turned out to be a good idea because later my husband watched this video over and over again, fascinated that he could not remember any of it.
When we got home he seemed to be regaining memory of events after the incident. He also remembered events prior to it. He began to calm down, too, and started acting more like himself.
This morning he woke me up asking, “Where is the Mazda?” We had left it at the water park and he had forgotten. At first I was worried but as we talked more I realized he was just trying to put together what memories he had of last night and some he still could not locate. He told me he struggled to sleep and opted to work in the middle of the night. I thought it not a good idea but he said he remembered everything about work perfectly, that it is only the event itself and some time after that he couldn’t remember.
Despite my telling him to rest and take it easy, my husband insisted on going for a bike ride this morning with our neighbor. He has always been restless and one to not handle downtime well. He told me he is fascinated with his loss of memory. He views it like a puzzle that needs to be solved.
We are still not completely sure what happened. They were on a non-water slide at the park, one called “speed” something. You lay down on your stomach on a mat and go down a very high and long slide. My son, his cousin and my husband all went down at the same time in different lanes. At some point my son crossed paths with my husband and they hit heads. My nephew witnessed it and said my son got up at the end of his ride and walked across my husband’s lane which is when they collided. My husband only remembers using his feet to try and slow down before the impact.
The water park gave us free tickets and was very apologetic. I am not sure but I think there was suppose to be someone at the end of the slide observing so that accidents like that did’t happen. So they are concerned we might sue them, which is not our intention.
My son is completely fine this morning. He told me he had been crying last night because he felt responsible for his dad getting hurt. Otherwise, my son has no aches or pains or injuries from the collision.
I am still a bit worried about my husband. He seemed like a little kid last night, excited and full of curiosity. This morning he is calmer but still a bit “off”. Peseverating (repeating ones self) is common with concussion but it was/is still disconcerting and he was asking the same questions he asked me last night.
Still in a funk. Energy-wise I feel tired and unmotivated. Still having some panic/anxiety and heart related issues, also.
Last weekend I went to the gym without incident. On the drive home, upon just seeing the string of cars stopped at a light ahead, I thought, “This is where I always have a panic attack.” Within seconds my heart began to race and the panic attack was on full-force. As soon as I got through the light (which seemed to take eons) I was fine.
Almost every time I get in my car now I have anxiety. Ugh.
So I am being triggered now because of all the past incidents. Sigh. But at least I know these incidents are not all related to low blood sugar.
My heart still does weird things when exercising outside of the gym. The other day I went for a run outside and less than a half mile in my heart began to pound and panic set in. Then, a few days ago, I was exercising at home quite strenuously and my chest actually hurt, though I had no other symptoms. But it concerned me.
It is hard to tell what are real, physical symptoms or panic attack symptoms. Panic attack symptoms are so real every time. Though I am use to them, I always end up thinking I may be dying at some point. It’s hard not to.
Fast forward to last night. Watching t.v. on my laptop in bed and very relaxed I became suddenly aware of my heart seeming to flip flop and flutter in my chest for a good 10-20 seconds. I checked my pulse and it seemed fine. I recognized it because with every one of my pregnancies I had these flutters and “skipped beats” in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters. Always normal for pregnancy but now, well, probably not normal.
Then this morning I experienced a sensation of my heart skipping beats while lying on my right side. This is the most common experience I have and I am use to it. It never lasts very long. But I am reminded of the difficulty breathing I experienced both during and after my most recent OBE. Is that somehow related?
Add this strange arrhythmia to the above panic attacks and gym episodes and it has me quite sure I have inherited my family’s tendency toward heart-related illness (on both sides). My dad’s side of the family carries a history of heart attack, heart valve problems and congenital heart defects. Both my dad and his brother died young (early 50s) from heart related problems. My mom’s side has stroke, high blood pressure and heart failure, mostly in old age. Sadly, my sister had to have open heart surgery when she was younger than I am now to replace a faulty heart valve that was congenital but never discovered until it nearly took her life. She now has to take medication for the rest of her life. My mom suffers from major arrhythmia to the point of losing consciousness and is on medication and has been since her 50s. I witnessed her pass out from it once and was with her through the whole heart-monitor-wearing ordeal that followed.
The heart fluctuations are weekly for me right now but I’ve been having these occurrences for years, though very intermittently and never at such a high rate as now. Nor have I ever had any chest pain before. It is daily now, though nothing sharp or scary. My heart chakra just hurts, like burning in my chest, most of the time.
I have not disregarded the part ascension and Kundalini play in this and suspect the stress put on my physical body from these energies is aggravating underlying issues that may not have been noticeable otherwise. I am super sensitive to energy fluctuations and notice every single change in my physical body from the norm.
So my plan is? Do nothing. Yep. I actually told my husband, “If I pass out or something, don’t call 9-1-1.” Then I said, “It is DNR for me, too. If I happen to get in a car accident or something, I don’t want them to waste their time resuscitating me.” This has always been my position anyway, but I wanted him to remind him so that if something does happen he doesn’t interfere.
I know, quite dramatic, but I have had messages along the way on this spiritual path of mine that refer to my having “limited time” here. Yes, it could be just the soul exchange or maybe it could be really the end of my life (well in both cases I guess it would be). With the Ego death stuff going on as well, it could just be adding to the drama of it all.
Other Considerations
Along with these health related issues I have been feeling, yet again, “done” with life. This feeling was very strong in 2014-2015 and then the Kundalini came along and brought “new life” into me for a short time. Since the Kundalini has gone mostly quiet this year, the last major event in December, 2016, my view on this energy has shifted. The Kundalini and the events that coincided have been the most traumatic experience of this lifetime. I am exhausted. Still. The “loss” has just been too much. I am certain now that I will not be able to overcome it, at least not without major life change and I do not have the energy or desire to travel that road. It seems a daunting path for sure. I feel like a 100 year old facing a mountain without any climbing gear. Insurmountable.
In previous life reviews I never regretted one choice or event, even those that seemed awful at the time. Yet now, when I looked back, I regret choosing the path of the Kundalini. Yes, it can be magnificent but what it left behind was a rubble field of destruction. It exacerbated my lifetime Homesickness making this life that much more difficult to bear. Normal life bores the hell out of me now. I need more and more “excitement” to even want to be here. “Excitement” being those things of a spiritual nature and along the lines of what the Kundalini awoke in me. Those things of an earthly nature that I use to enjoy, just don’t bring me joy anymore. My daily life, though not torturous and really very good for a “normal” life, feels so empty and shallow in comparison to where I’ve been. When I look at my life I think, “This isn’t me. I’m not this person.”
Maybe this is all “normal” for what I’ve been through, and no, I don’t feel suicidal or like I am going to lose my mind and do something crazy. I just feel “done”, like my life and who I am as a person in this lifetime is complete.
Despite everything, I am planning on going to South Padre with my family and extended family this weekend. Maybe some time at the beach will do me some good.
I’ve been receiving a recurring message lately and have not been paying much attention to it because I understood and have been making the suggested changes. However, today, it occurred to me that maybe the reason the message continues to repeat is because I need to share it. That seems to be the pattern of late, anyway.
The message is simply: Take care of your body. This I understood was to prepare the body for the upsurge in energies which are coming in now. Higher intensity energies all the time and increasing as the year continues. This means our bodies must be able to handle these energies or else face overload. Overload = illness or other irritating bodily changes ranging from mild fatigue to IBS and migraines.
So I have been getting myself back on track. I eat clean, get plenty of rest, and exercise five or more times a week. I cut out alcohol, nicotine, and all man-made drugs from over the counter painkillers to allergy medications. I drink tons of water and take several supplements including a daily probiotic (50 million), daily multivitamin, vitamin E, Tumeric, Vitex and Maca root.
But today while in the midst of working out an entire blog post popped into my head. This is unusual because I do some pretty intense workouts. So intense that even having a thought is difficult because the focus is all on the body and getting through the workout. lol
The idea was to reassert the importance of being physically fit now. It’s not just, “Oh, I’ll take some walks a few times a week, skip the dessert and take vitamins and then I will be healthy.” Nope. That’s not gonna be enough. Your body is a machine and it needs to be fine tuned (tuned up) for the energy onslaught coming our way. It’s time to pay attention to your body because what you have put into it up to this point is going to directly affect how it responds to these energies.
On top of this message I heard that I needed to share with you what I do. This isn’t because I am some kind of expert at taking care of my body. I am by no means perfect. However, my health and physical fitness are one of my top priorities.
This is what a normal week in my life looks like:
Exercise
5 or more days per week. Varied workouts ranging from intense HIIT, plyo, and weight training intermixed with Hatha Yoga at least twice a week. At least 30 minutes per workout but I aim for 1 hour workouts. Usually I end up working out twice a week for an hour, twice a week for 30 minutes and once a week for 45 minutes. Anything on top of that is a bonus.
Here’s an example of one of the workouts I do at home (this guy is awesome):
All of this guy’s videos will kick your butt, so beware!
Here is another YouTube example. I do a lot of workouts at home as you can guess. This lady is lower paced than the guy above and great on days when I just can’t handle another burpee or mountain climber. lol
I typically only visit the gym once a week. I would go more often if could. When I do go, I usually lift heavy and stick to the free weights.
Diet
I have been eating Clean since 2011. What is Clean eating? Basically, it means you avoid all processed foods, eat more fruits and vegetables, eat less sugar, and go organic whenever you can. This article is exactly what I do. You can also check out Tosca Reno’s website. I own one of her cookbooks and it is awesome! Also, I don’t eat to lose weight. I hate that it is marketed that way. It is no FAD and will not work that way. It is a lifestyle change.
One aspect of Clean Eating that I swear by is eating five or six small meals a day. This is how kids eat and how we as adults should eat but we don’t and it royally screws up our metabolism.
We seem to eat all the time in my house. In fact, we eat two breakfasts every morning. 🙂 I have oatmeal, oat bran or a protein smoothie with greens for my first breakfast. For the second one (with the kids) we usually have scrambled eggs (2 eggs and 5 whites) with cheese and whole grain English muffins. For lunch we often have leftovers from dinner. Then there is a snack around 3pm, usually a smoothie for me and fruits/veggies for the kids, maybe some yogurt. For dinner, I cook a meal from scratch every night if I can. Rarely do we order out or eat out. Usually there is another tiny meal before bedtime because me and the kids are hungry by 8pm. This is my peanut butter time. Yum! I actually sometimes have to eat in the middle of the night. Yeah, I eat A TON.
Meditation/Rest/Fun
I meditate daily, usually at night, sometimes multiple times a day. Sometimes I do guided meditations but mostly I just relax, quiet my mind and settle down for a half hour or so. My favorite time to meditate is after yoga. For some reason after yoga I go directly into the zone and often into a light trance. A great website for free yoga is http://www.doyogawithme.com. This is one of my favorite classes by David Procyshyn. There is a guided meditation afterward and I almost always end up in the trance state.
Resting can also be taking a walk or lounging by the pool, even swimming (for me) is relaxing. Whatever calms you down.
I struggle with the fun part, unfortunately. Gotta have more fun. I did an indoor sky dive once that qualified. That was awesome! More vacations need to be scheduled, too.
My History
I have not always been healthy minded. In high school and college a typical breakfast for me was a glass of chocolate milk with Nestle’s Quik and two brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts. Talk about sugar overload! I use to bake chocolate chip cookies and eat a half dozen while cooking them. lol Total sugar addict. A workout was mowing the lawn. lol I didn’t look bad, though I was much heavier than I am now. I think I wore a size 9/10 in high school and weighed about 145lbs. Now I wear a size 6 and weigh 134lbs. I am 5’6″.
I started running when I was 19. I had to take a PE class in college and they made me run. However, I got addicted to running and by the time I was in my thirties I was running five or six times a week for 3-6 miles at a time. I ran during my first two pregnancies. After my daughter was born I ran a 10k and after my son was born I ran a half marathon. I stopped running because my dog, Trooper, died. He was my running buddy and it was just not the same without him.
I began full on weight training in 2011. I mean like body building. Yeah, crazy, I know. I did this while also pursuing my master’s degree and working full-time. I continued to lift through my third pregnancy but afterward I experienced major burnout and dropped full-time work and weight lifting. It was just too much. Whoever it was that said three kids is easier than two is a liar. lol
None of this was rainbows and butterflies. I have a tendency to become obsessive about things I like to do, and I like to exercise and I like to look good. I am working on it. Everything in moderation. I like to think I have come full circle now. My focus now is on being healthy and feeling good more than anything. Looking good is just a byproduct.
Yesterday I began the long process of purifying this physical vehicle (body). I have done this in the past (8 years ago) but am doing it again for several reasons. First, I had a c-section last year that pumped my body full of nasty medications (morphine for one) and have had several rounds of antibiotics along with various pain medications and local anesthesia. This along with environmental toxins, past recreational drug use and psychological medications, I figured it was time to do it again. I also want to help this spiritual process I have been going through by making sure the body adequately adapts and adjusts to it.
The routine is simple. Take prescribed amounts of various vitamins and minerals, exercise at a moderate intensity for 20-30 minutes and then do a stent in the sauna. The main ingredient here is the Niacin as it is the vitamin that helps dislodge residual drugs and toxins that are lodged in the fat cells of the human body. The exercise circulates the Niacin, which often causes a major flushing and tingling of the skin, and the sauna heat causes the body to sweat out the toxins through the skin.
The time in the sauna is extensive. Yesterday I spent 2 hours in it. Today will be 3. The next day, 4. Then I think it plateaus. I will continue the program until there remain no more reactions to the Niacin and my body has flushed all the toxins. It can take 3 weeks or longer going in daily, so it is quite a regime.
Day One
It is funny how 8 years changes you. Last time I did this program I felt rejuvenated and full of energy. I looked forward to the run and enjoyed the sauna. Yesterday, however, I felt like a slug as I ran on the treadmill and the sauna seemed to suck the life out of me. My blood sugar dropped (my fault) and my blood pressure dropped at the same time and so I got dizzy and nauseous. Thankfully a bit of food and cool air resolved that quickly.
When I got home I felt exhausted and couldn’t get enough to eat and drink. I drank a gallon while there so was surprised I wanted more water. I probably drank another gallon at home. I craved carbohydrates and couldn’t get enough so finally broke down and had a tootsie pop. lol I am still getting over this cold so that also hit me in the evening like usual and didn’t help how I felt (yes it is safe to do this program with a cold).
I slept like a rock last night, getting about 9 hours of sleep, but I am still tired today. I just want to lounge around and do nothing but will be leaving for day two of the purification in an hour. I know that this feeling of exhaustion will leave soon enough as my body adjusts to the change in routine, I just wish it didn’t hit me like a ton of bricks.
I don’t know how much spiritual activity I will have while on this program, so not sure how often I will write. I am not motivated to do much right now and my focus on the spiritual is none.
Just wanted to update everyone since I have so many posts about health concerns.
I had a physical last Wednesday and got my lab results in today. I got a CBC, lipid panel, comprehensive metabolic panel and TSH. So basically the works. Everything was within normal range.
My main concerns were cholesterol, blood sugar and TSH. To my surprise, my cholesterol was at its lowest ever – 169! LDL and HDL numbers as they should be.Triglycerides were 50 which is real good, too.
My blood sugar was perfect at 80. I thought for sure it would be down in the low 70s because by the time my blood was drawn I had been fasting for 14 hours (long wait!). So, the concern that I may be diabetic or majorly hypoglycemic is out the window.
My TSH was 1.6 which is on the low end but not low enough for me to have a thyroid problem. So without a thyroid problem to cause the profuse sweating, intense hunger and hot/cold issues only hormone fluctuation remains but my doctor said that was very, very unlikely.
So looks like my health freak-out was just worry over nothing. I am probably in better health than the last time I had blood work done. Guess maybe it was all ascension-related.
I made an appointment to see a doctor in my area for the end of the month. I have to bring a bunch of paperwork with me, so I went ahead and filled it out. It always blows me away when I fill out the family and personal medical history! I have heart related issues on both sides of my family, pretty much guaranteeing that I will have some kind of heart-related issue in my life. High blood pressure, heart disease, heart attack, stroke, high cholesterol, blood clots, and faulty heart valves. I am probably missing something in that list, too. It also really freaked me out when I wrote in my grandmother’s cancer since she got it when she was around my age. It didn’t help me feel any better.
Strange Premonitions
I am going to call this a “premonition” but it is really not like what most think. I didn’t get a vision or hear a voice or even have a dream. The last couple of days I have been doing something normal and have suddenly worried I would lose muscle control in my hands and drop whatever I was holding. For example, yesterday, I picked up the remote control which was dragged into the kitchen and slobbered on by my baby (his new favorite toy) and I got a distinct worry/feeling that my hand would suddenly drop the remote despite my holding onto it. I was a bit concerned at first, wondering if it were really happening, and had to do a reality check. I squeezed the remote and all was okay, but I didn’t forget the weird feeling/flash.
I had another similar flash/worry while typing on the computer this morning. It was the same as with the remote. While I was typing I suddenly kept feeling that my hands were going to just stop doing what I asked them to. I had a “flash” of this more like a worry than a vision and I kept having to double check what I was typing. Interestingly, I kept mistyping things and got very frustrated for a bit.
Perhaps I just created all of these visions from my overwhelming consideration that something is not quite right? I don’t know, but I can tell you that it is very unsettling to have these types of visions. It is like for a millisecond I truly believe that I have this loss of muscle function. I panic and then find I was only day dreaming it.
I will put this on the “shelf” in the back of my mind like I do all the other weird things that I can’t explain. Hopefully it is not a real premonition and just me being a worry wart.
Staring
I mentioned this in one of my other posts and since I am still noticing it, I will bring it up again. Whenever I go out into a store or a public place, I catch people staring at me. It is not just glancing, but dead on staring. It is also not just men, though there are more men than women who do it. And it is not a stare that I am comfortable with. It leaves me with an uncomfortable feeling like I need to go check the mirror to make sure I don’t have a big booger on my face.
I don’t know what it is and when I consult with my guide I hear, “How you appear on the outside is not how you appear on the inside”. I don’t get what he means, though. What the heck do I look like to people that they keep staring at me?? I want to think they are looking at something positive, like my inner radiance (gag) is shining through. But I don’t feel radiant. I have been told that my aura is a bright sun-colored orange right now. Maybe that has something to do with it. Who knows.
But then I get what my guide said. How I feel on the inside is not visible to others. They are seeing something else. It is funny to me that they might be seeing beauty because when I go out into public now I don’t wear makeup. Most of the time I am even wearing sloppy clothing and my hair is just pulled back out of my face. All the men in my life have told me that I look better like that. Maybe I do? That just makes me laugh out loud.
I still wish I knew what they were staring at.
Shutting Down
I did not directly tell my guide to stop talking to me, but it has gone silent during the day. I think just my writing about it the other day was the cause. It was not like I was getting constant chatter throughout the day anyway, so don’t think that. It is never like that, more like I am constantly aware of another presence close by. I just decided that I needed to do what I was being urged to do: focus on my life and live it. I suddenly realized that I was attempting to escape reality by going into my own spiritual world and this was not going to be allowed. Rather than get depressed about it, I decided to just suck it up and deal with it. I mean, we are here to live, right?
The feeling I am having is telling me to listen to my heart. My heart is telling me to follow up on the physical issue worries that keep bothering me. I keep remembering a dream I had about a hurricane. At the time the message was that I was in the eye of hurricane. So perhaps now I am coming into the “storm”, whatever that means.
I am also going to resume auditing. I believe I start next week. The initial interview brought up some issues I didn’t even know I was holding in. It is amazing to me how actually talking to someone who you know will keep what you say confidential is such a relief. No judgements will be made, no invalidation of what you say – just real listening and acceptance.
So, for now, I am focused upon the physical. I will not be seeking out spiritual experiences. If they come to me, I will accept them and use them to gain insight into life. I will share them in this blog as well, but I have a feeling there will not be many in the coming weeks. Just a feeling I have.
Living Life in Between 