Dream themes of fire and water continue in my dreams. Yesterday it was a flooding parking garage. The day before a kitchen stove kept bursting into flames. And this morning, more flames.
Dream: Up in Flames
This dream began inside my mother’s kitchen (nourishment, spiritual healing). My husband was with me and I had in my hands a box of macaroni (comfort and ease) and cheese. We were discussing what to eat and could not come to an agreement. So, box in hand, I said, “We’re having this” and I opened up the box by pulling the tab on the top.
I poured the contents of the box on the counter while saying, “Just making sure it doesn’t have any worms.” The contents were not the typical macaroni as one would expect. Instead, there were spaghetti-type noodles, or at least something resembling that, separated by tiny strips of white paper. I sorted through it and found no worms (degradation, negativity) and was surprised.
When it came to cooking the macaroni we went outside. I held the noodles in my hands and went to a fire (passing of old into new) mound just in front of the house. The noodles now took on the shape of strips of paper. Some of it was shredded letters (communication) and envelopes, while other pieces were of notebook paper (self-expression) in long strips.
There was discussion the entire time, but I can’t recall any of it. The feeling, though, was disagreement and a kind of unsettled feeling. It seemed that the strips of paper was the result of our conversation, as if I was shredding communication.
As we tended to the cooking “noodles” I saw another fire. When I went to check on it I noticed a blackberry bush with tiny berries (fulfilled relationship or experience) on it. I told my husband, “Did you see the berries? You should pick them before they are gone.” He went to pick them but asked me to turn on the lights since it was too dark to see (lack of awareness). I went to turn on the porch lights but they wouldn’t work. So, I went inside to search for an alternate light source. I found a lamp in my sister’s room, tried to disconnect it but the wires were tangled, and ultimately picked up another lamp and took it outside. The light bulb I found was not normal, though. When turned on, little lightning bolts of color would shoot through it (reminds me of the Kundalini). I opted for a regular bulb but when turned on it was not near enough to illuminate the area.
Then I heard a commotion and saw the pile my husband was at was out of control, flames spreading toward the house. I thought about the garden hose but the fire was in the way. My mom was suddenly there to try and help. I saw piles of brown leaves (pun on leaving but also fallen hopes and dreams) and dried grass catching fire and spreading quickly. I remember my mom saying, “What do you expect setting fire on dried out ground?”
Then the other pile was also spreading and I ran toward it. My husband had his shirt (personality shown to others) in his hands and was trying to beat out the fire. My mom was behind him carrying one of my sweatshirts to try and beat out the fire. I yelled at her about my shirt, not wanting her to use it, and she stopped. I looked at the pile and it was almost as high as the roof and also full of dry leaves and dirt. The fire had burned the center and was now spreading out along the edges. I knew nothing could be done about it.
Interpretation
This is the second dream of fire at my mom’s house. The other dream was back in July, right before the Kundalini came back with a vengeance. At the time, the dream was so vivid that I actually warned my mom, thinking it may be a premonition concerning her and current issues she had been experiencing. Turns out it wasn’t about my mom at all but about a fire being set within me (Kundalini). I suspect now that my mom’s home was symbolic of my own “home” or the sense of it anyway.
Whether this dream is similar, I can’t say yet. Time will reveal that I suppose.
My overall sense from this dream and other recent dreams is that upheaval is on the horizon. I have had enough dreams now of water to know that emotion will be involved. Thankfully, the emotion is symbolized by clear, calm water, which means it will not be turbulent or explosive at least. The fire can be cleansing and purifying, so perhaps it is all about healing and purging.
The most memorable parts of the dream were the torn envelopes and letters and the light bulb. The images of these things stand out in my memory. I was talking when I was holding the envelope in my hands but I don’t know what I was saying. The sense was that I may have been attempting to resolve the past in some way. The light bulb was amazing and beautiful but I knew it could not be used to shed light on the situation. In the dream I put it aside and used a regular bulb but it did not have enough light. This could be symbolic of the Higher Self (lightening bolt bulb) and the Ego or lower self (regular bulb).
The berries were somewhat vivid as well. I saw them as very tiny and nearly dried out, soon to be consumed by the fire. I was trying to get my husband to pick them but he never did. I suspect the berries represent the dwindling of our relationship in some way.
When I woke I was feeling avoidant. I was also feeling a bit sad because I recognized that I had to focus on my life now and handle some of the issues that continue to be swept under the rug. I don’t want to do this but there was resignation to the fact that I could not avoid it any longer.
There is a sense that the Kundalini wants me to be like the Phoenix – to completely burn away all of my old self and rise as my new self. From the beginning of her raging within me, I have felt an inner push to do “crazy” things. I have done some – like quit my job (twice), change my name, travel to meet others, etc – but I have not had the courage to completely rid myself of everything that no longer resonates.
I have felt guided to read through some of my old posts lately and one of the messages that came through was that if I do not do what I feel guided (or pushed) to do, that it will happen despite me. Ultimately, this means that I will be forced through life circumstances to take action one way or the other. That which no longer resonates will be eliminated.
The Kundalini is destructive as well as creative. She burns through everything inside and out. She is a purifying fire of death and rebirth. Change is inevitable and often very uncomfortable. The more she rises within me, the braver I become. When I surrender to her I am without fear. There is no concern for the process or the consequences, just pure acceptance. If these dreams are a premonition of what is to come, it could be that the Kundalini will initiate change in my life. At this point I have no fear of her return, in fact, I look forward to it.
Recently I stated that I had not made much progress in the last couple of years and that my blog was losing followers because of it. Well, when I woke this morning I knew that this was not true. It was as if I had been discussing it in my dreams and then woke up Knowing I had sold myself short by making that statement as it is most obviously NOT true.
This isn’t the first time this week that I’ve awakened having made a decision or with clarity on a situation/idea/consideration. Seems to be the current theme for me: Go to sleep, wake up with certainty. lol
Progress
The progress I’ve made in the last few years has been great compared to other years. Progress here is in consciousness expansion mostly. This morning I woke up recognizing that my recent telepathic connections with others both in Spirit and on the physical plane are probably very out of line with the experiences of most of the population of the world is in right now. Yes, there are some who share my experiences, but since I am a Wayshower then it would makes sense that others with similar experiences are in the minority right now.
Honestly, I feel much like I did in 2002/2003 when the ascension “movement” was still in it’s infancy. It was nearly impossible to find others like myself and when I did find them, they were so cautious that it was hard to make meaningful connections.
So where exactly am I when it comes to my spiritual progression? Well, that is hard to say since there is no specific timeline or “one size fits all” when it comes to ascension. Most of my experiences involve the Kundalini and as such have been quite intense and explosive at times.
From what I woke up Knowing, this is my individual progression:
Initial awakening (2002); sudden spiritual abilities appeared, connection with spirit guides instant and seeming to always be there, recognition of my origins, new identity (name change), spontaneous life decisions out of line with old personality (some would call this a Walk-in experience).
Spontaneous OBEs that led to conscious OBEs, lucid dreams, Spirit communication, spontaneous past life recall, medical intuition (seeing auras), premonitions, loss of time/disconnection with this reality, Kundalini psychosis, Dark Night of the Soul.
Period of general spiritual inactivity (about 7 years) also known as a hiatus. 🙂 Returned to “this reality” though still conscious of other realities, OBEs and spirit guide communication continued, spiritual abilities not actively used but not lost. Pursued a type of hypnosis that helped me resolve the barriers to progress. Ultimately these sessions helped even out the bumps and kinks in my consciousness and energy field so that I could resume work.
Gradual return and reintroduction to other realities mainly via OBEs. My OBEs became the gateway for communication with my guidance, ETs and others on this physical plane who were part of my Team. Multidimensional realities explored via OBEs, lucid and in-between states without the “psychosis” that resulted previously.
Kundalini returned mostly via OBEs and lucid dreams. A period of over a year of Kundalini dreams, ET encounters, multidimensional experiences, energetic phenomena that I can’t otherwise explain, and my first telepathic communications with others of my Team on this plane of reality.
Heart connection initiated and Kundalini surge beyond anything previously experienced. A heart connection, otherwise inaccurately known as Twin Flame, spured spiritual growth by magnifying and blasting through energetic blockages via the Kundalini. For me, this initiated a massive Ego death and catapulted me into consciousness expansion characterized by states of Divine Bliss, Oneness with All, tapping into universal consciousness, and other Divine states as written about by known Kundalini experiencers (i.e. Gopi Krishna).
Current period where I am learning to master my new Self, step into and fully function in what others call 5D reality. Part of this mastery involves experiencing a merged state with others on both the spiritual and physical planes (ultimately a combination of both). Thus far I have experienced another heart connection on the physical plane (I’ve had numerous ones with Spirit) where there was mutual telepathy via a merged state that was effortless, as if I had been doing it my whole life. The other part of this mastery is learning to integrate my new Self with others still functioning within 3D and 4D. This is perhaps the most difficult for me and I struggle with it every day. Finally, Kundalini has become my new “normal” and is so familiar to me now that I cannot imagine my life without it.
My understanding is that ultimately I will “master” my current level and move on to the next. What this next level is, I am not sure.
Like I already mentioned, I struggle the most with integrating my new Self with everything and everyone else around me. Thus, my blog tends toward this struggle more times than not. Since I am in the midst of this lesson, I am unable to see beyond it at times. Just because I have progressed this far doesn’t mean I am somehow immune to this physical reality and everything in it. Ascension has made me more capable, for sure, but Knowing is not the same as Being. I am still a spiritual Being living a human experience and right now that is more real to me than it ever has been!
I’ve been sick since Wednesday night. I was hit with a sore throat that kept me awake most of the night. The next day it lingered with addition of a headache and just an overall feeling of malaise. I suspect I may have had a low grade fever, but I never checked to see. I went to work despite it and probably shouldn’t have. I felt like crap all day but worked through it. My husband had gone out of town for the day (of course, right?) and so when I got home from work I had to tend to my children and do all the regular mommy duties despite feeling awful. That night I opted to skip my normal workout replacing it with over an hour of Hatha yoga.
The following night sleep was limited as well. The sore throat had not run it’s course I guess and the next day it continued to linger through until bedtime. I finally gave in last night and took some Ibuprofen at bedtime to help with the pain and ended up getting a good night’s sleep. This morning I feel much better but have a bit of congestion which will I suspect with linger for a few more days as the cold runs its course.
What is interesting is that throughout this period of illness I’ve had spiritual experiences on and off. The day prior to the sickness kicking in I had been in a “funk”, feeling an intense urge to take action on certain issues in my life to the point of near obsession all day. Here is a dream and message I received that morning:
Dream: Approved
This dream began with me meeting up with my ex-husband after a year of no contact. We were in bed (private self) together, fully clothed and catching up on lost time. I recall struggling with a memory of having sex with him only a year prior. I could not figure out if it was true or not. I thought, “Maybe I dreamed it?”
Finally, I asked him if we had been together and he said, “Yes. Remember? It was when you were separated from ______.” I do not remember the name from the dream but it felt like I had temporarily separated from my marriage and gotten back with my ex.
I was relieved to have my memory confirmed. In the dream at this time I was recalling what it was like to be with my ex. There was memory of times I had long forgot – mundane activities and the normalcy of married life with him – but also the specifics of our sex life. At one point the face of my ex and the face of my current husband were side-by-side. I saw the similarities in their features and in their personalities. It was as if they were the same identity only in two different bodies.
A woman came in at that point. She was there to “clean up” the stage (behavior, manipulation, relationships, putting on a show for others). It was then that I realized the bed we were in was in the center of a large stage set inside a giant theater. The woman gestured to the floor and described the debris that was in need of being swept up. As she described it, I saw in her hands what looked like pine cones (life and good fortune, or “pining” for someone), leaves (fallen hopes, sadness, loss) and very large strawberries (sensual desires, female sexuality). The strawberries were not red, though, but a burnt orange color similar to the leaves and pine cones. Together they looked like potpourri (particular stage of life). I looked at the floor around our bed and saw it was covered entirely with this mixture.
Lucidity increased at this point and I recall seeing the entire dream scene freeze as if it turned into a photograph. Then I saw the word “APPROVED” materialize in front of me. Seeing the word woke me fully and I wondered, “What is approved??” I got no response.
Interpretation
This dream seems to be me comparing my ex and my current husband, looking at similarities of my relationships and exploring themes. I had a particular focus on my ex, how he appeared to me, how I felt about him, and what I thought of him as a person overall. I remember noting how attached he was to me and finding it unappealing mainly because I was not attached to him in the same way. It felt like he was attached to my body and his attraction to my body more than to me as a person.
I am still uncertain what the “Approved” message indicates. It seemed like a stamp of approval”, like something that would be stamped on a contract or proposal. Maybe I was going through contract negotiations again? It seems likely since I do that quite a bit in dreamtime.
Journal Entry From 12/14/18:
Still sick, it took me a while to fall asleep – after midnight. I hate post nasal drip.
I don’t recall my dreams until this morning after waking at 6am and then dozing until it was time to get the kids up for school.
Dream: Pecan Present
The dream began in what appeared to be my old bedroom at my Mom’s, the one I was in during middle and early high school. The only difference was where the window faces the pool there was an open area with a golden hue.
I was playing with an orange tabby cat (female sexuality). I had what looked like a walnut (joy and/or abundance) or pecan (potential) and was rolling it around to get the cat’s attention. I opted to squeeze it between the floor and a lower shelf and watched as the cat attempted to get it. He worked at it while and then managed to get his mouth around it, freed it and tried to eat it.
A dark haired slightly pudgy woman (aspect of self) came into view then. She was out of sorts, obviously destitute and struggling. She was nice enough and I seemed to know her. She was with a group of others like herself – homeless, jobless and needing shelter. They were all gathered for the night in the space adjacent to my room.
The woman and I talked and I handed her a pecan (potential, hardiness and longevity – big things start small). She was grateful and accepted it but then said, “I bet it has worms (negativity, low self-worth, degradation) in it.” I looked at the pecan and briefly saw what the woman saw – worms squirming around in it. I cracked open the pecan and showed her, “No it doesn’t. See? No worms. It’s perfect.” The woman’s eyes lit up as I offered it to her to eat.
As I was set to leave I felt overwhelming compassion for her and the others. I remember thinking, “I will give them each $20 for the holidays. It’s not much but it’s something.” I felt like I should do something to help, even if it was a small thing.
Then I was walking along a curvy road (life path) that seemed to wind through a mountain valley. As I departed, my grandmother was clearly visible sitting in a chair with a blue afghan spread over her lap just like she use to do when she was alive. She commended me on my efforts to help the woman and said, “You know, she keeps everything you’ve ever given her.” I saw in my mind a bunch of items neatly stowed in a blanket. The items were random things like the pecan – sticks, rocks, baubles and such. My grandmother sent such warmth and thanks to me and I felt an overwhelming sadness wash over me as I saw again the dark haired woman who I had helped. I felt so bad for her and others like her. I also think seeing my grandmother brought up emotion.
I woke up in tears feeling that I was purging something but not exactly sure what. The emotion, as usual, seemed to have no specific source but instead a general grief.
The song High Hopes was on my mind – You’ve gotta have high, high hopes…..”
On to last night now…..
Dream: Fire in the Kitchen
In this dream I was inside my grandparent’s old house only it was newer because my uncle has remodeled it. I went to the kitchen to make some food. I set a bowl on the counter near the sink and turned on the burners. While I was turned and focused on the food preparation I smelled smoke and turned around to see a pan catching fire. I put out the fire with a towel and moved the pan and turned back around. Again, I smelled smoke and again I saw the pan on fire and put out the fire. This happened several times until the whole stove top was engulfed in flames. The burners got so hot they began to melt and the pans began to melt as well.
My uncle came home and saw the mess but was unconcerned about his new stove. Instead he was focused on what the fire had done. I remember thinking the fire must have gotten really hot to have melted the burner coils and that the entire stove would have to replaced. I thought perhaps the stove was defective and hoped it was still under warranty and could be replaced.
Dream: Fever
There was a whole dream sequence prior to this dream about being in outer space on a space craft that was large enough to hold an entire society. Other ships began to latch onto the mother ship, though, and invade the interior. The attack was stopped but in the end one ship had avoided detection and was secretly infiltrating the bigger ship.
The scene shifted and with it came an entire background knowledge of what was transpiring. I had finally reunited with my partner/love and had stayed the night in his apartment. There was an understanding that now that we were together our intense connection would likely result in tension that then would flare up into arguments. I saw my partner’s sun and ascendant (astrology) contributing to a tendency toward communication conflicts. I remember feeling able to handle such trivialities, feeling it would be worthwhile in the end.
His roommate greeted me as I emerged from my room that morning. He was very cheerful but I did not know him. I saw my partner sitting on the sofa and joined him. The roommate said something to the effect of, “You should let her give you a blow job now because you have to go to [unrecognizable word] soon.” There was a telepathic sense that my partner was about to leave and that his roommate was supportive of us being together. The roommate felt like another version of my partner more than another person.
I remember ignoring the roommate’s comment as I sat next to my partner on the sofa (I was on his left) and snuggled up to him. I looked up at him and said, “Good morning.” He looked down at me and smiled, kissing me gently on the lips. I remember thinking how amazing it felt to finally be with him without having to sneak around or feel guilty. I could feel from him a slight uneasiness that was not outright rejection. Instead it seemed that he was trying to not fully feel our connection; holding back.
Still snuggled up against his chest our connection began to become more and more apparent to me. It was such a wonderful feeling and all I wanted to do was stay there with him, snuggled close. I sent this feeling to him telepathically and then said to him, “Why do you have this effect on me?” I received back and answer in visuals. It looked like an energetic process. Golden energy streams that then exploded at their destination point into tiny fireworks. The energy channels felt ancient, like they had been worn deep from repetitive use, intricately connecting us at the deepest of levels. Along with this came a knowing this process had gone unfinished countless times because of the intensely explosive nature of our connection. Until these energy channels were allowed to complete a circuit the intensity would continue to feel uncomfortable to the point of separating us once again.
From my partner I could feel him working hard to remain in control. If you can imagine someone biting their lip and gripping the seat, this would be how he appeared energetically to me. lol There was no hostility or anger whatsoever, just outward calm as he held me close to him. Yet the energy between us was intensifying and I began to squirm from it as my desire grew.
When the energy became nearly unbearable he looked at me with a neutral expression and said, “I am starting to get turned on.” I looked back up at him and said, “Me, too.” I could feel his grip on control lessening as he gave into his desire. My thoughts were definitely not innocent at this point, neither were his. All I wanted to do was jump him right there in front of his roommate. LOL I became breathless at the thought and woke up (darn!).
Fully awake but not wanting to be I lingered in bed a while enjoying the dream connection still present as I woke. Part of a song was going through my mind on repeat, no doubt a message: “I will always love you…..”
I don’t think the rest of the song applies, but I can’t say for sure. The only part that was repeating was, “I will always love you.” This was while the energy was still noticeable but subsiding.
Once I was fully awake and the energy was gone I spoke with my guidance for a while. A familiar conversation ensued, one that I have had many times over the course of the last few years. The dream seemed to be me trying on a particular situation or maybe it was just meant to show me the current state of things. Whatever it was, I felt the explanation of the energy to be the most informative. The circuit must be completed. The intensity leading up to that completion is scary but as with all fear it must be confronted. The only way out is through. Controlling it is a barrier creating more blocks and slowing the process. The feeling is easy to interpret as “bad” or “dark” but in reality it is both “good” and “bad” in one. We are “light” and “dark” and to be whole we must embrace both within ourselves. In the end, what appears to be an insurmountable obstacle is actually just a bump in the road.
The biggest lesson I suppose is embracing the desire and all that goes with it. I have been through it, so I know how scary it is to face the desire we hold within. It looks and feels “bad” yet at the same time it carries with it a magnetic attraction, pulling us into it and into ourselves. Once allowed we are shown ourselves, the good, the bad and the ugly. This is scary but if approached without judgment or criticism we are able to see the beauty that we are and it is Divine and blissful beyond compare.
In understanding I lingered a bit longer in bed, feeling the connection across the distance and allowing it. Another song came to mind, specifically the words, “You give me fever….”
Of Note
I wanted to address the portion of the above dream where the roommate suggests I give my partner a blow job. I believe this section was the result of a conversation I had yesterday with my husband. We drove past the place where I had my first ever date and memory of my first boyfriend came up. I talked about it, specifically how he was a “sloppy kisser”. lol There was also a distinct memory of one evening when I was over at his house in his bedroom. We were making out and he suddenly exposed himself to me. I had never seen a penis before and was in shock (that’s an understatement). At this point all we had ever done was make-out and I was very inexperienced. I had never even kissed a boy prior to him. I said something about his mom walking in and he responded that she wouldn’t. I knew he wanted me to give him a blow job and I definitely was NOT going to do that! So I made an excuse and we went back into the living room. After that he suddenly stopped communicating with me (ha!) but I was not upset by it because I was not “that kind of girl” and so had lost all interest in him as well.
This conversation led me to talking more about what I feel about and my beliefs about oral sex. Oral sex has never been attractive to me – neither giving or receiving. Even in my marriages it is rare that I give or receive it. It just feels uncomfortable. However, I am not completely against it and have been known to be spontaneous in the giving of it, but only within a committed relationship. Somewhere along the way in this lifetime I acquired the belief that a woman who gives a man oral sex outside of a committed relationship is “cheap” and “dirty”. Yet within a marriage or committed long-term relationship, it is acceptable. Talk about illogical!
So yeah, that is likely why it appeared in my dream. It went along quite well with the feelings coming from my partner and helps me recognize that I still have my own considerations and beliefs getting in the way of my progress.
Either way, I definitely felt the “fever” and all conflicting considerations flew out the door!
I’m sleeping really well right now, or at least for the last two nights anyway. 🙂 The average is 10 hours, all of which were much needed.
Prior to bed last night, as I was watching my current show of interest, I kept feeling a communication coming through from my right. At first I didn’t identify it as such, thinking I was just having random thoughts and feelings, but ultimately I stopped focusing on my show and shifted my attention to the source.
My heart was struck with a beautiful energy. It was so palpable that in my mind I saw it, like a etheric, golden light, twirling and spinning out from the darkness straight into my heart center. Along with the energy came visuals mixed with incomplete thoughts. I settled into my core and let the transfer take place, knowing that too much focus would interrupt it. Allow. Allow.
The origin of this energetic connection was Earthly; it was someone on the Earth plane I know. Soul family of the Divine kind. I suspect the telepathic connection was unintentional on their part. But it doesn’t matter, I received it.
Unfortunately, my motherly duties interrupted the flow and when I tried to reconnect I was unable.
Dream: Halfway There
This dream was early in the morning hours, so I was partially lucid. I find that these days when my lucidity peaks I prefer to go with the dream rather than take control of it. Not sure why I am doing this except that maybe I have recognized doing so allows me to receive messages that otherwise I would not notice.
I found myself on the side of a road in Montana. It was really dark out and I could barely see my surroundings. I crawled up an embankment and up to the side of the road. My location had been beneath a bridge near a small stream I think. I could feel the tall grass as I crawl-walked and hear the crunching of leaves and twigs with each step I took.
As I crawled I encountered objects: trash. It was scattered here and there and familiar. I picked up a very large, empty container of oatmeal without a lid and took it with me to use as a bucket to pick up the litter. I picked up two empty apple juice boxes and tossed them inside and then stumbled upon the lid to the oatmeal container. I closed the boxes inside and tossed the container into the brush.
As I settled myself on the side of the road I encountered another empty oatmeal container and put more boxes inside. There was a conversation going on in my mind with someone about this but it is lost to me now. What is left is the consideration that this trash represented things I feel “done with”, and as such it is being “trashed”.
I remember thinking of the journey ahead. I told this person in my mind how I did not look forward to the long journey ahead in this darkness. The feeling I had was of despair and extreme exhaustion. My bones felt heavy and my prognosis not good.
Every once in a while a car or truck would pass by. All kept their headlights off. I found this very disturbing. I knew the traffic was so sparse that I would be lucky if I saw one vehicle an hour. But I walked on, being careful to hide in the shadows when a car passed me by. It felt dangerous to be out so late at night in the middle of nowhere all alone.
Every once in a while a car would approach with headlights on only to turn them off when close. One time, a truck passed me by, headlights off, and another car passed them going the other direction. The truck stopped and turned to pursue the other car but saw me because they had turned on a spotlight. Caught and unable to run, I stood there and four men got out of the vehicle and approached me. I was close enough to see a woman in the front seat, strapped in a seat belt. I sensed from her distress and used my medical intuition to scan her body. I said to the men, “She is not well. She needs to go to a hospital.” They laughed and said, “Yeah, she has a broken leg.”
The dream shifts and I am inside the truck with the men. We stop at a church and I open the door and escape, screaming at the people, “I’ve been kidnapped. Help!” only the words didn’t come out right at first. I scramble inside with help from the people there and run down a hallway to check the back door. I knew the men would find me and had hoped to escape out the back door. Unfortunately, I ran into one of the men, machine gun in hand, standing at the back door. I said to him, “You know you don’t want to do this. Give me your gun.” The man considered and his shoulders drooped as he handed over the gun. I asked, “Is there ammo?” He nodded and we both went inside.
The dream shifts forward in time and I am inside the church with a large group of people. My daughter is with me. They offer us new clothes. I am given a white, long-sleeved shirt with their logo on the front. It looks like three flowers connected in a triangle shape. I feel displaced as I put on the shirt, as if I am homeless.
I feel extremely tired at this time and seek out a bed to lay down on. There is no space where I am, so I go into the other room and check the bed there. I note that people have left their things on the nightstand indicating that the bed is taken. So, I turn to the computer, take a seat and begin to type my story – the dream as I recall it up to that point along with my feelings/emotions and secrets I would otherwise tell no one.
As I type, the screen goes blank and I am unable to get the computer to respond. I panic, worrying the people of the church will discover I am not who I say I am. I press the “Esc” key to try and regain control of the screen. It works and I cannot find what I typed anywhere. Instead a video screen pops up and the icon on the top indicates that the person who is logged in, some man, has liked one of my posts. I go into his profile and unlike my post to try and erase any proof that I had been there.
I return to the other room and search for earplugs but none of them fits. I want to sleep but cannot. There are so many people that the space feels crowded. I do not like the feeling. A man I know in real life begins to talk to me, to counsel me, and I find out he has divorced his wife. He makes it clear that he is interested in me but the thought of being with him that way is unappealing to me. His energy feels sick and weak, completely incompatible with my own.
Somehow I end up walking on the dark road again. I am on the other side this time, the left side rather than the right as before. There is a glimmer of light in the distance, as if the sun is about to rise. I feel so tired, my legs like dead weights as I walk. A familiar song comes into my mind as I walk, sung by a male voice. I sing along with him:
Woah, we’re half way there Woah-oh, livin’ on a prayer, Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear, Woah-oh livin’ on a prayer….
The chorus repeats a second time and I sing it louder and with more purpose. When I hit the part, “Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear”, I burst into tears. The feeling I have is similar to how one feels when they have fallen but can’t find the strength to stand and keep going. It feels like death is the only option. Then someone offers them their hand.
Interpretation
I wasn’t crying when I woke up. Instead I felt somewhat awed by the whole dream experience. Maybe it was because it was partially lucid? Or maybe it was the message via song that was the final uplifting component, saying, “We can do this!”? I did indeed feel hopeful and I can’t help but think of the analogy of running a marathon as perfect for how life plays out.
I believe the dark road in Montana is symbolic of where I feel to be at currently in my life. The darkness is the unseen/unknown and also represents how I feel – dark, gloomy, hopeless. Montana is the journey toward spiritual freedom, enlightenment, purpose, whatever you want to call it. Montana = mountains. It is the “ascent”.
The trash I find are things I no longer want or that I feel have served their purpose. The oatmeal is a continuing symbol of mine, it symbolizes comfort and sameness. The juice boxes could be domesticity as they are reminders of my children and my motherly duties. The oatmeal container is huge in the dream and very empty; all used up. I have had my fill.
The vehicles without headlights indicate that I do not feel illuminated by those that I meet right now. If anything they perpetuate the dark, gloominess that I carry with me. The men in the truck who abduct me seem to be a perceived danger, the woman is likely an aspect of myself who is broken and unable to walk; stuck.
The church likely represents some kind of perceived haven of help, but looks are deceiving. The guns indicate potential aggression under the surface but I am able to suppress it. I feel homeless with the group and suffocated. This is representation of a real-life situation I won’t go into detail about. Let’s just say a similar group I am associated with gives me the feelings I encountered in the dream. I want to ignore it, block out the messages I received (earplugs) and avoid what I know the be true (sleep), but am unable to do either. The man represents the feelings I often get with people in the group.
This is further expounded upon by what I write on the computer. I want desperately to communicate – be – who I am, but know the group will not accept this. In the dream what I write is very personal and revealing. I hit “Esc” to try and escape the consequences of them knowing my true identity and am successful at erasing all traces of myself.
The last scene of walking the road on the left side could indicate change of perspective. The light in the distance = hope. The song, of course, is relaying the message that I am not alone.
Dream Snippet
There is a short dream memory that I have limited recall on now. What I do recall is being in a room with a man. We are sitting comfortably on cushioned lounges. All the colors in my memory are golden hues, as if we are in the 1960’s but I know we are in a place where time doesn’t exit. The scene feels like a bar or speak easy. Rather than tables and chairs there are sofas and side tables.
The man I am with is familiar and I am very comfortable with him. He is singing and I am amazed at how nicely he sings. I comment on how lovely his voice is. What I remember most is feeling pulled in by his voice. It is smooth, deep and quiet, sometimes only a whisper. His brown eyes become a focal point in the dream that also seem to pull me in. The depth of them is familiar. I see myself in his eyes. I am in love with his voice, with his eyes, with him.
There is conversation here but I only recall a summary of it now. The man is telling me about his life, how he use to sing with a band among other things. I feel mostly to be listening to him. It feels like he needs me to listen; like he has much to say but doesn’t say it. I am happy to listen.
I don’t know when this dream snippet occurred – before or after the above dream. In fact, most of the night’s experiences feel jumbled as if they all happened at the same time. Maybe they did? It is of no consequence anyway. What is most important is that I woke up feeling calm and accepting when normally I awaken in resistance.
I’m on alert this morning. Something is up energy-wise. I had a very Kundalini-filled night’s sleep and have been awake since 4:30am. Similarly, I have heard various others had limited or no sleep last night. For example, my SIL called my husband really early this morning because she couldn’t sleep last night. Also, my son was up at 2am from a dream about the center of the Earth being made out of white bread called the “bread stone” that men ate in order to create the other planets (no kidding!). 😀
While at work I saw news that Alaska experienced a 7.0 earthquake. This especially interested me since I use to live in Alaska. I instantly knew it was somehow connected to last night’s sleeplessness.
I thought maybe I had somehow missed that it was a full moon, but nope, it’s at the last quarter, so that can’t be it. Whatever is going on, I am on full alert. The Kundalini is especially active in my heart center today. Hello heart bliss!
Kundalini Dream: Time Traveling
This dream began with me watching a version of myself going to the dentist (feeling anxious) and receiving her new retainers. I saw the retainers in a clear case and recall the dentist giving instruction on their use.
Then I was with a man who I had never met in person but had known online. We were at his house/apartment and he was instructing me on how to fit in with his time. It was obvious that I was some 20+ years in the future as so much was different! We talked for a long time about various things, mostly how things were different from my time. He had dark hair and seemed a bit older than me with pale skin and kind eyes. He showed me these special contacts (new awareness needed) that people wore in his time. They allowed people to see things that were not there otherwise. They were like computers that were worn in the eyes. There were five sets and I was focused on the one called “C+” though it looked more like a @ with a C in the middle instead of an A. He told me to buy all five of the different contacts because I would not be able to function in his time without them.
I attempted to use my credit card to buy them. Though my card showed as valid I had to scan a bar-code for the transaction to be approved. I didn’t have one. The man told me if I had been of his time I would have a bar-code on my left hand located between the thumb and the pointer finger. The bar-code made it impossible for anyone to steal another person’s identity or information for their use.
He seemed upset by this news and was concerned about how I would live in his time. I would not be able to see what he saw and would not be able to go out and about and do normal things others could do. I said to him, “Why don’t you come live in my time?” When I said this I had a flash of everything that would happen between my time and his. I knew that for him to come to my time would expose him to a major world war and difficult times he would otherwise not have to endure. It was a lot to ask of him.
He turned to me and asked me,”Why do you stay with me?” I did not hesitate to answer. I immediately hugged him close and said, “I feel good when I’m with you.” There was this lovely feeling that enveloped me when we hugged. My heart exploded in bliss and love. Being with him washed me in this amazing feeling of security but it was intermixed with vulnerability; full-exposure of me – nothing hidden.
Heart Bliss
I awoke, my heart washed in bliss, feeling an amazing love and connection for the man in my dream. Now fully awake, I sought him out and found him/his energy/HS close by. I saw a visual of him standing in front of me. He placed his hand on my heart and I placed mine on his. I was instantly hit with Divine bliss and an overwhelming vulnerability.
The more I allowed our connection the more I felt all the different reactions I had to it. There was fear of the vulnerability and exposure evident. There was also a reaction of fear toward the feeling of loss of control. The connection makes me feel 100% open and exposed and with it I completely surrender. This surrender of self and control of self is what is scary. I want to completely submit to him. This goes against the way I was raised and how I tend to respond to others, especially men. Yet when with the merging of my energy with this masculine energy, this is what I do. Why? Is that how it is suppose to be?
While talking with this energy I saw a vision of a group of people standing in a line facing me. They were all over 40 years old and it felt like they were waiting on me for something. I then had a mini-dream about getting married. Then I saw a vision of a city materialize in front of me. It was like a portal to the city in the future from the dream. I knew it was not on Earth, at least not this Earth.
OBEs
I struggled to fall asleep because of the heart bliss. It kept surging and I would become lost in it. There is nothing like it. It’s so beautiful it nearly always brings me to tears.
Somehow I ended up OOB and in my room. I exited more than four times. Each time I ended up back in my body when I tried to leave the room. One time I surrendered and seemed to fall backwards into a void. When I did this my vision turned on and a ray of light was shining down onto the space in front of the closet. As I floated over to the light, I asked why it was that I was not given any type of evidence that my work here is having an impact. I remember looking down at a piece of paper I held in my hand as I read my mission as if to remind myself why I was here on Earth. I asked for some kind of encouragement – some kind of proof I was doing what I came here to do – explaining that I needed it because it was hard to keep motivated otherwise.
Another time, I exited my body and was able to leave the room by surrendering to the energy – letting go of all control of the situation and experience. Then, I found myself outside of the room floating over the stairs. I floated down the dark stairs, singing to help stabilize my energy. When I headed to the front door I was pulled swiftly back into my body. It felt like I was being told not to roam. Even singing didn’t help, which it usually does.
When I came into my body I was fully relaxed, my body buzzing with soothing vibrations, my heart still firing up with waves of bliss. A song – Kansas City – was in my head:
And I love you dear, but just how long Can I keep singing the same old song I’m going back to Kansas City
I just returned from a vacation with my husband. We celebrated our 11th anniversary by taking a trip to Rainbow Hearth Lodge which is located on Lake Buchanan. We stayed three days and two nights. The interesting thing is that on Thanksgiving, as I talked with my mom about our trip to the first state park on day 1, both my brother-in-laws looked at me in shock and told me they were going to be at the very same park at the exact same time. Neither had shared their plans with me or my husband as they knew we had a trip planned already. So, we ended up hanging with family on the first day of our trip all because of a “coincidence”. Ha!
The trip was fun and busy. We visited two state parks, running trails and hiking. By the end we ran over 16 miles and hiked around 4. In between we relaxed in our room and enjoyed the home cooking of the lady who owns the lodge while chatting with the other guests, a total of three women. Yeah, it’s a very small place and that’s why we like it.
We fished on Lake Buchanan the first day, after our visit to Inks Lake. I caught a black bass, about a 3lb one. Afterwards, my husband looked like he wanted to try so I handed him my rod and went to fetch another. By the time I got back he had tangled the line so I gave him the one I fetched and fixed the tangled mess. While I was fixing my rod he tangled the other one (a push-button) into such a bird’s nest that I started to laugh at his total lack of fishing know-how. He had been trying to fly fish with a regular rod and reel. LOL Ultimately, I gave up on him. I didn’t get another chance to fish but I was happy with my one. 🙂
Overall I had a good time. I couldn’t sleep the first night but crashed the second. I think the near 12 mile run did me in, but in a good way. I got my fill of nature, that’s for sure!
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Dream: Tattooed Man
As I mentioned, the first night at the lodge I struggled to fall asleep. This always happens to me in new places, so I wasn’t surprised. Eventually I fell asleep but had a very odd dream.
I was aware of both laying in my bed and being outside with a tiny monkey (intuition, feeling playful) on my shoulder. The monkey was trying to get away. I saw a playground in the distance with kids on it. The kids wanted to play with the monkey so I let him go. He looked like a spider monkey.
In my bed I felt a man to my left. I assumed it was my husband. I began to feel the Kundalini energy stirring. It seemed like I was working with the energy, trying to build it. I remember turning to the man who I thought was my husband and waking him up. He rolled over and sat on top of me. He said, “Happy anniversary”. I couldn’t see his face it was as if someone had smudged it out or blurred it. I didn’t care, though, because my heart chakra was on fire and a trail of intense energy was shooting down into my root chakra. I grabbed onto his hips and pulled him to me. I saw him seem to stand up and touch the ceiling with his hands. He was enormous and towered over me, arms raised to the ceiling, palms pressed against it as if holding it up (could indicate strength, support). I could see tattoos (trying to get me to notice him, to communicate something) up and down his arms. They were in dark ink and some were very colorful. I can’t remember what they were of now, just that they covered the entirety of his arms.
When I woke I was in shock and my heart was still lit up along with my lower charkas. I knew the man from the dream couldn’t have been my husband. Who was he? Whoever he was, he made sure to wish me a happy anniversary on the day of my anniversary. The Kundalini gift he gave was awesome, too!
Message: Go Slow
The next morning, after a wonderful night’s sleep that was mostly dreamless, I woke up to a familiar and long-missed connection. My heart lit up and, honestly, it surprised the heck out of me. The energy of the connection swirled up gently from my root to my heart and into my throat where it seemed to get stuck. It felt very much like trapped emotion, trapped communication, yet at the same time I could feel this overwhelming love mixed with such sadness. It felt like mine but not mine, like it was shared with me and, thus, became mine also.
As is usual when I feel this connection I began to cry. It’s not from sadness but from joy. I felt/heard to not cry and was told “go slow” and that time was needed. As the connected faded (it started at 5:30 and went until sunrise), a song came into my mind:
Sometimes you picture me, I’m walking too far ahead You’re calling to me, I can’t hear what you’ve said Then you say, “Go slow“, I fall behind The second hand unwinds
If you’re lost, you can look and you will find me Time after time If you fall, I will catch you, I’ll be waiting Time after time
Since returning home I have been depressed. Though the trip was a good one it felt a bit forced and as a result I felt that familiar emptiness inside expand to where I could not ignore it. We returned on Sunday and each morning since I have awakened to the emptiness. This morning was the worst.
Dream: Race to the End
This dream began with me attending to a pregnant (connection to motherhood) woman. I recall her being in the hospital and me standing up by her shoulders as she struggled through her labor pains. Mostly I remember the white hospital room and operating table that she was laying on.
Then I was running in a circle as part of a 5K race. Somehow I ended up separated from the group. The group was running on a track in a gym (learn from lessons). I could see them next to where I was. I was running on a track inside a room, like someone’s house because it had brown carpet (refusal to acknowledge something) and appliances. The pregnant women was sitting in a recliner, her newborn baby in her arms.
I kept looking at my watch (consideration of time) as I ran making sure that my pace was as fast as I could go. Unfortunately, the obstacles on my course kept getting in my way. I bumped the new mother causing her to yell out in pain. I said sorry but kept running, continuing to look at my watch. Eventually, I stumbled into a carpet cleaning machine and knocked it over. The liquid inside spilled all over the floor. The new mother went to clean it up and I stopped because I knew I had to help. I was frustrated, though, because I could see the others on the track continuing to run without me and I knew my time would suffer.
When I woke from this dream I was in an awful depressed mood. The empty feeling was very prominent and my inability to rid myself of it causes me much distress. My thoughts centered around how this place is not real and how everything I do seems to have no real point. I saw the dream as a reminder of how I am just running around and around in circles.
A song was going through my head as I struggled to be more positive. The specific part I heard was, “Well you look like yourself but you’re somebody else only it ain’t on the surface…”
At first I thought the song was just a remnant of yesterday because I had heard it in the car, but it continued to follow me throughout the day. When I looked at the lyrics I kept being drawn to this:
It’s like you told me Go forward slowly It’s not a race to the end
But the entire song is quite poignant. It’s about how we wear masks and keep our true selves hidden. Ultimately, I believe that is why I am feeling so sad since coming back from my trip.
I feel very, very much like I am in the wrong place….. time ….. life.
There has been a message coming in consistently from my guidance lately. It is about the masculine specifically. As I come more fully into my own power, I feel more and more focused on helping to heal the masculine. As such, it seems I am being counseled in depth on what is happening with the masculine at this time and what, if anything, the feminine can do to help.
Dream: Community
This dream started inside a bathroom (cleansing and renewal). I was standing over the sink, a bowl on my left, cracking open an egg (something new is about to happen, creative potential) into the bowl. I added another ingredient that was yellow (happiness) and mixed it in with the egg. I was having a conversation with someone the whole time, talking about what I was doing and why. The mixture was a hair mask that you shampooed into the hair to make it stronger. I remember thinking I had just washed my hair and not wanting to wash it again but still opted to lean over the side of the tub and pour the egg mixture on. I lathered my hair with the egg (clear out the old, take new approach) as I filled the tub with water (emotion). When I was done I dipped my hair into the water to rinse. I asked a woman a question about the water in the tub and saw it was my ex-MIL.
Afterward, I got out and towel dried my hair and began to braid (courage) it in a reverse French braid. A young girl (other aspect of self) with very nappy hair was there with me. I asked her if she wanted me to braid her hair, somehow knowing she had never put it in a braid before. Instead, she spent hours curling it and trying to make it lay flat. The girl’s mom (also my ex-MIL) said her daughter had never been to the salon to have it done properly but would be going soon. I distinctly remember braiding my own hair as we talked.
Then we were going to have breakfast with the rest of the community in a large, common dining hall. I remember selecting foods for breakfast that were not breakfast foods – a leafy green salad (need to express feelings) with avocado (reward for hard work) and a chicken (cowardice) patty that had to be warmed in the toaster.
As I picked at my salad I was telling my ex-MIL that I was purposefully choosing non-breakfast foods. I also told her how much I enjoyed having meals with everyone from the community in the same place. I watched as members of the community took on different roles during breakfast. One woman specifically worked with the kids turning breakfast into a mini-school lesson. Another was organizing the next day’s meal with a small group. And yet another was doing the accounting for the community kitchen. It felt really good to see everyone involved and doing their part and to be a part of a community that accepted and appreciated me. I knew everyone would go back to their individual homes after and then meet again at the end of the day for dinner together.
My “husband” was also there, though I do not know which husband (ex or current). He took my plate from me to eat what I hadn’t, picking through my salad. I told him to look for the avocado and showed him a piece that was hidden under some spinach. I fiddled with the chicken patty, not wanting to eat it (rejecting a return to acting in fear). Reheated toaster chicken patty was not appetizing to me.
As my husband rushed to leave I watched the kids learning while they ate and thought it an excellent idea for schooling of children. Every moment a learning opportunity! Then I saw my husband messing with his motorcycle (desire for freedom, raw sexuality). He asked me to move the tires of the minivan because they were blocking his tire. I did as he asked and watched as he rolled it out as he talked to a man. I knew he was in the process of selling it.
When I turned back to the community dining area the lights were off and everyone had gone. It bothered me and I walked around looking for the door. I ended up inside a room standing in a doorway. A very, very tall man (as tall as the doorway!) was on my left and a shorter woman was on my right. They were asking me questions about my relationship with my husband and my family. I don’t recall much about the conversation now except that I was trying to get away from them. Their focus on me and my situation made me feel targeted. From what remains of the feeling behind the conversation, they were asking me about my plans. It felt like my husband had gone – permanently – like we split up. I do remember the tall man asking if I was going to get married (again or to a certain someone I’m not sure). I answered with, “I don’t plan to ever marry again.” The tall man was concerned. The feeling from him was that he disapproved. I said, “We can live together. It will be just fine. Besides, this is a community state, meaning we will be considered married anyway.” The tall man accepted this, smiling and nodding, as did the woman with him.
Vision
After I woke I entered into the in-between. I was standing facing a male friend of mine. The sense was that we were to perform a ritual together. He looked down at himself and noticed he was wearing a long, flowing, brown robe. Shocked, he looked at me and I acknowledged him without words. It felt right that he would be dressed that way.
We then walked through tall trees toward a clearing. I walked ahead of him and could see myself from outside myself. As I walked my entire body burst into flames (Kundalini perhaps?). I was like a torch, the flames rising several feet above my head. My friend walked about ten feet behind me.
As I entered the clearing, I walked toward a small circular spot marked inside of the larger circle. Somehow I knew this was my spot. There were four other smaller circles near my own but they were not occupied. I stood in my spot, engulfed in flames but not being consumed by them.
My friend walked past and to the front. I knew he would position himself in his place but I never saw where that was. Instead it was as if time shifted forward. I stood in front of my friend. He pulled a black sarong up my legs to my belly and then laced it up so that it fit snugly over my midsection. Looking down at the laces, they wove back and forth as if to protect me.
The Wounded Masculine
When I came out of my reverie it felt like a message about the masculine energy in the world right now. There is still so much healing needed! I could feel that some men were afraid of their own power. This fear is from lifetimes of abusing that power. I felt their guilt for this abuse and their resolution to suppress it by denying it. For those men who are in the midst of awakening/ascending this struggle is very real. My heart hurt for them and I wanted to help, to show them their power was beautiful, not destructive, not something to be ashamed of. I pleaded with my guidance to show me how to help them. It felt like the answer was that they needed time and a “safe” place to open up to their power so they could heal through it and become whole again.
Of course, I wondered how I, specifically, could provide this. I did not receive an answer other than to allow the masculine time to build up the courage to take the next step. The saying, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” comes to mind.
Another vision came to me then. I saw my husband walking past me towing a large, black cauldron full of boiling (emotional turmoil) water. It was so heavy that his back was bent forward with the effort of dragging it for so long. The message was not lost to me. I knew instantly that he carries with him emotion that is threatening to boil over. This emotion, if not resolved properly, has the ability to scald and burn. Not pleasant for whoever is in its path!
Then I was standing in front of a man who is familiar to me. He was walking around me in a circle as if checking me out. It felt like he was surveying the scene to determine if I was “ready” yet. I could feel the masculine power he wielded so adeptly. Here was an example of a man fully in his own power! So amazing and beautiful! I wondered where were all the other men who were like him? Why so few? My feminine power wants to fully submit to his masculine power, but not in a propitiatory way. Quite the opposite. And as such his masculine power honors and reveres my feminine power.
I knew as he circled me that what he offered I want – no need – to fulfill my purpose here. I was reminded of something I was told in an astrological reading by my friend Eric Starwalker. He told me that I have been searching many lifetimes for a strong masculine who is fully aware of and adeptly wielding his power. He told me that up until this life I have been unsuccessful and so have learned to rely on myself, but that I long for that connection.
The full moon is here and my dreams are becoming more memorable and intense. Additionally, I woke yesterday and my right shoulder was painful, like I messed up the rotator cuff. This morning the shoulder pain extends to the right side of my neck. 😦
When I went outside to the bus stop with my children I was blown away by how beautiful the moon was. The picture does not do it justice:
The full moon this morning.
Dream: Visiting the Akashic Library
The dream began inside a library. A man was showing me a book. It looked like a normal book but when he touched it, it transformed into a gigantic scroll with pictures or pictographs all over it in shiny, gold. The scroll was about the height of a person and at least a foot thick. I can’t imagine anyone could lift it if they tried.
I was then shown how to use this scroll. I watched as a man went through double doors into a golden hued library with books from floor to ceiling in beautiful, honey oak book shelves. The room was long and narrow and had rectangular tables down the middle with only a few feet of walking space on either side. Each table had a single, golden lamp in the center. The room was illuminated by more light than the lit lamps could put off, though.
The man opened his book and a presence came to him. This presence was very big and filled the entire space. There was a sense that this presence knew ALL and there was much reverence in the man as he encountered it. I watched as the man was shown things that only he could see.
Later the man told me what he was shown. His eyes full of awe. He said something like, “I saw that my mom and dad have been with me through all my lives!” I received this information in pictures in my mind, so that is my best translation. I saw two people – one male and the other female – standing in my mind’s eye and knew they remained with the man always.
Then it was my turn. I walked into the library, book in hand. The doors sealed behind me. No one could enter while I was inside. I walked toward the bookshelf on the far wall and stared at it. I could see row upon row of books, all golden in color. I looked down at the book in my hand and opened it up. When I did I felt the immense presence of I AM – God, the Universe, the Creator. The entire room felt to be this presence and I felt so small in comparison, though this didn’t bother me.
I heard, “What do you want to know?” It was not a booming voice, just a regular, masculine voice coming from the direction of the book. I looked down at it and thought, “Nothing” but at the same time I wanted to be shown what I needed to know. Three sentences appeared in front of me and I knew to select one. They were all things I have done in life that I felt ashamed of. I picked one related to sexuality. The comment I heard in return is lost to me now but it was not judgmental.
Then the book’s pages morphed into a black vastness. In the center at a distance I could see two, tiny orange-gold spheres rotating around one another.
I turned away from the book and leaned against the bookshelf. The voice continued to talk to me. I only remember now that we talked about what I wanted to know and that I told him I already knew everything I wanted to know. The voice nudged me for more and I finally said, “I just want to go Home!” I was overcome with emotion, my entire core felt to spasm from it. The tears did not bring me to full awareness, though. What I remember most is the feeling of separation that comes with this body and the resulting homesickness. I’m glad the emotion did not break through to my waking consciousness.
While I was crying the voice continued to communicate with me. Mostly, my memory is of flashes of imagery. My spiritual progression in this lifetime was shown next to the progression of the man who I had just witnessed go into the library. His progression was a huge wave that peaked, fell off abruptly and evened out; he learned everything all at once it seemed. My progression was intermittent; composed of smaller, more steady, intense waves of growth that plateaued, looking like small mesas. I remember being told that my intermittent progression was purposeful so as to not overwhelm. I understood this but didn’t like hearing it because I knew I had further to go still and that meant longer in this body and in separation. To me, the man’s progression seemed better.
I do not know who the man was/is. My best guess is he is connected to me somehow, but how is unclear. I don’t remember seeing him, either.
Our communication began to bring me to full lucidity. I could feel the I AM presence and this heightened my awareness even more. The feeling is hard to describe. It was like I was being pulled into the energy, merging with it. The voice indicated that I should stay focused but just hearing that caused me to shift further into waking reality. I knew if I stayed I would be shown more, things that I needed to see/know. It felt like all of everything could be witnessed there in that place and that I had been about to enter into a merged state.
Ultimately, I wasn’t ready to Know. I think I fear what will be revealed. I came back to waking reality, a male guide close by. A song was going through my head:
The part I was hearing was, “I don’t wanna know, know, know, know…” and “the more I drink, the more I think about you.” This confirms that I am avoiding something. The part about drinking is likely pointing out to me that I have been having a nightly glass of wine for the last two weeks.
I lingered in bed a while, the image of the two, orange-yellow spheres in my mind. I wondered if they were two suns orbiting one another (binary). Maybe a system somewhere far away? Or maybe they represented something else? But what? Home?
Dream: Bus
I tried to return to the library but couldn’t. Instead I entered a dream where I was standing with my kids in a cul de sac. The bus (going along with the crowd) came and I got on but the driver drove away, leaving my kids at the bus stop (setbacks). I asked why and he said another bus would come get them. This upset me but I sat down next to a black man. The bus was so crowded that I had to sit very close and ended up leaning up against him. He wrapped his arm around me. I questioned this and was told he was just protecting me. So I leaned into him more.
As the bus drove away I pestered the driver to go back and get my kids. The other passengers were against this. The bus stopped for a long while not moving. I got very upset then and began yelling at the driver. He finally returned but my kids were not at the stop anymore.
I exited the bus to get them. The man who I’d been leaning against grabbed onto the back of my jeans (need to relax) and pulled them up as if to give me a wedgie. I told him to stop, that they weren’t meant to be worn that high.
I could see kids had returned to the building/school and somehow ended up in a swimming pool (cleansing) soaking their clothes. They even got their towels wet.
Message
When I awoke from this dream I was a little upset. I was reminded how important my family is to me. We just bought a new minivan and I saw it as evidence of my wanting to keep my children close.
Memories of the earlier Akashic library dream were still with me. The sense was that I had been very close to something big and had turned away from it. There was more discussion at this time. I only recall now that I was told I would be celebrating another birth-day soon. It seemed that every progression or wave on my spiritual journey is a birth like this and that another was approaching.
Interesting lesson for contemplation presented to me last night and upon waking.
Dream: Fishing
The dream began on the side of a road. I could see the white gravel (practicality) as I sat upon a very tall bicycle (seeking balance) adjusting the handles. Only they weren’t handles but a steering wheel (control of direction in life) as if from a car. The steering wheel was too high up and I knew it was that way because my husband had been “driving” my bicycle (letting my husband have control).
When I stopped I held up a group composed of an adult and several kids, mostly boys, all on bicycles. I watched as they went around me and pedaled on their way down the road.
When my bike was adjusted I rode a very short while and then stopped again, this time by a large pond. When I got off my bike my bare feet touched rough rock that poked at my tender feet (discomfort). This rock was also white but bigger than the pebbles of the previous road.
Gathered by the pond (reflection) were the kids (youth) from earlier all with fishing poles in their hands. A mother was helping her daughter adjust her pole discussing what kind of bait to use. For some reason I saw at water level a bunch of white, striped fish (ideas) in the water. I commented about them saying we had put them in the pond and that they could be used as bait.
Then I was fishing (delving into subconscious), too, and cast out into the dark water. I was high up on a rocky ledge with the others trying to position a chair (need to contemplate something) but it kept slipping. I looked for lower ground, noticing there were families on the other side of the pond at water level. I opted to stay put when I saw a girl nearby catch a fish. Not long after, I caught one.
My fish was small and greenish black (insight from subconscious, something’s “fishy”). When I grabbed it to remove the hook, part of its back fin fell off (misguided, lack of direction). I realized it was too small (not living up to potential) and decided to throw it back. As I tossed it in, part of a section of it’s side fell off. In the water it laid on its side, dead, blood (disappointment) in the water around it.
Dream: Depressed Bathtub
This dream began inside a house (soul/self). I was in the bathroom (cleansing) showing a woman how to remove water that had overflowed. I poured it into a laundry basket (abundance). Despite the basket being full of holes the water did not leak out. I then picked up the basket and poured the water out and made sure to use towels to soak up any remaining puddles so that the water didn’t leak down to the first floor.
Then, I noticed a bathtub below me. It was on the left side (feminine) of the bathroom and another tub was on the right. The floor I was standing on angled down toward the tub on the left and there was a drain built into the side. I realized I hadn’t needed to remove or soak up the water. To get into the tub you had to climb down a porcelain ladder built into the tile wall. I thought it cool but then maybe slippery and dangerous, especially for someone getting up in age. I remember wanting to take a bath or shower in the tub just to experience it.
Dream: Sexual Dysfunction Group
In this dream I was with a couple but I only recall talking to the woman and never saw either of them. We entered into a large room with many older people inside. Their ages ranged from mid-40’s to 80’s or higher. Everyone was gathered there and I knew they came often to meet up, mingle and find partners. It was like a silver singles meet and greet or something like that. lol I soon realized that all of the people in attendance were struggling with some kind of sexual dysfunction that kept them from experiencing sexual intimacy as it was intended.
As I was shown around I felt a bit out of place because of my age and also because I had no sexual dysfunction. I looked at all the “old” people and tried to keep out of my mind imaginings of them naked and having sex. It was not something I wanted to imagine! lol I remember joking that it was a “geriatric” sex group and thinking that “geriatric” applied to anyone over the age of 50.
Whoever I was talking to was asking me questions to dig deeper into how I was feeling and what I thought. I recall having an entire dream within a dream about being in a home and walking in on a man who had just exited the shower. He was older and completely naked. I turned before I could see anything, shielding my eyes and apologizing. He stood behind me completely naked and unashamed.
There was a discussion about supplementation that could help with sexual dysfunction. Someone pointed out a rack in the center of the room and told me that those who ordered supplements picked them up from the rack. I could see the bottles, all marked clearly with people’s names so that anyone and everyone knew what kind of supplements were being purchased and why. I said, “I would never buy supplements from here and pick them up there! I would get them on my own and have them delivered.” I made a joke about how I would only buy Evening Primrose Oil anyway. I obviously felt uncomfortable and judged despite no one seeming to notice or care.
At this time I sat down on a soft sofa on the edge of the room and kept to myself, watching everyone else mingle and looking closely at their varying ages and physical condition. The room was laid out with sofas along the walls where people could sit closely and talk. Many were connecting and everyone was at ease except me.
I remember knowing what kind of sexual dysfunction the people there had. For example, one man had erectile dysfunction and was buying up supplements to fix that. And there was a woman close to my age sitting nearby who was struggling with some kind of sexual dysfunction. I think she couldn’t achieve orgasm. I felt sad for her being so young and struggling like that especially since she was one of the few younger people there. Seeing her made me feel even more out of place and I decided I for sure didn’t belong there!
Several men came and sat with me. One sat by me, grabbed my right hand and said, “That’s a nice one” and left. I looked down and saw a silver, marquis wedding ring but it was on the wrong hand. The one that lingered the longest had dark hair with streaks of gray in it that was somewhat long and disheveled. His body was lean and sinewy and the feeling coming off of him was intense and powerful. I pulled away, feeling a bit uncomfortable knowing he was checking me out as a potential partner while also feeling attracted to his powerful energy. He talked to me for a while but I only remember bits and pieces of our conversation. He was trying to get me to lighten up and stop being so judgmental/critical about “old” age. I knew he was in his 50’s and could not keep my thoughts from him. In fact, I think everyone there could hear everyone else’s thoughts. I think I called him “geriatric”, too, which was not nice but he didn’t take offense, just pointed out that I was only a decade younger than him (ha!).
During our conversation I shifted into a dimly lit scene. I believe I was inside a car but it was also a bicycle like in the first dream. Whatever we said caused me to feel very sensual and this is when the muted Kundalini entered the dream. What remains in my memory is a discussion about how older people can be sexual, too, and it is just as beautiful and erotic but can be much more intense and pleasurable because of the experience that comes with age. I think he was trying to convince me of this fact and he succeeded.
Biased
Not long after this I awoke with a warm feeling in my sacral and solar plexus. It was a nice feeling but not sexual. The man from the dream was still nearby and our discussion continued about age, sexuality and intimacy.
Our discussion brought to me a memory from last Sunday when I visited my Mom’s house. Her brother came for a visit and I remember thinking he looked really old. I realized he is 68 now and thought it sad that he had lost so much of his good looks. Yet he seemed happier than he’s ever been and was really pleasant as a result. He can very moody and serious (Scorpio). Still, though, it seemed a shame that his body was in such poor shape.
I suppose my reaction to my uncle spurred the dream and discussion. It is just a continuation from previous discussions I’ve had about growing older. Obviously, I perceive old age as unpleasant, limiting, and asexual. lol There are a lot of beliefs and judgments that need clearing such as: old people having sex is gross, old age brings limitation, old bodies are unattractive, old women “dry up”, old men have erectile dysfunction (lol), old people are senile, old people are useless, old people are a burden on society. OMG there are more even that that. 😦
There was discussion about my age and how I feel about it. I feel young still but close to losing what is left of my youthfulness. For some reason 50 seems to be the cut-off decade right now but I laugh because when I was really young, 30 was old and at one point 40 was old, too. LOL As a result of feeling my youth disappearing there is somewhat of a desperate feeling along with a sadness. I want to keep my youth but can’t. I don’t want to be old. I want my body to look like it does now. I am proud of my body and how well I’ve maintained it but at some point (my uncle is a good example) no amount of care and maintenance will stave off the deterioration that comes with old age. One day my body will likely resemble my Mom’s. What horror! lolol
Then I was directed to focus on the passion, fire and aliveness I’ve been experiencing with the Kundalini. Despite growing older I feel more alive and passionate than I ever have. I think it a shame that it came so late in my life. What a waste!, I think. This quote comes to mind:
Then I was directed to the Kundalini, the fire and passion and bliss. Just remembering it brought the energy. It flooded my entire Being and I could not understand how I had gone so long in this life without ever experiencing it, without ever tapping into my own innate power. When I feel it, all I want is to remain within it, and feel propelled toward that single purpose. There is nothing else more important to me. The fact of this surprised me and I knew it would ultimately be the source of immense change in my life. But this Knowing didn’t scare me one bit.
I was asked to contemplate what I had been shown, to consider tossing my beliefs about old age and embracing the possibility that my life has just begun and does not have to be limited by the physical. I was asked to consider how I limit myself with these considerations; how I limit my potential and the potential of others. Just because I am growing older doesn’t mean I have to stop living.
In the end, it feels like someone in Spirit is guiding me to shift my perspective and has been for some time now. Whether this shift is ultimately meant to facilitate something else, is unknown, but I am suspicious. Could it be that eventually I will be faced with a situation that will test whether I am able to see past the illusions and limitations of the physical?
I’ve been feeling a familiar feeling lately. It feels like something is coming. The feeling has been building. Sometimes I sense someone near me, like I am connecting to Spirit, but I am not sure it is Spirit. I feels more like timelines are crossed and as a result I am connecting with soul family somewhere else. It’s a telepathic connection, one I am experiencing more and more. It’s strange in a good way. I like it but it does require complete honesty, with self and others. It requires complete transparency; vulnerability. Most of all, it requires non-judgment. One must allow and embrace the experience or the connection is severed.
Last night I suspected something was up because I sensed a presence to my left. This is not unusual since my spiritual experiences from the get-to have involved mediumship. However, this ability has now morphed into telepathy and is not limited to those who have crossed over, or to guides and others of the spiritual plane. This presence was male and nonthreatening. I was not uncomfortable with his energy/presence.
This presence has visited before, though I have no name for him. I recognize how he feels. Every energy/individual has a specific feel about them, like energetic markers that distinguish them from others. All male energy feels similar but not all male individuals express it the same. The same goes with female energy.
I fell asleep with this male presence saying to me, “I will come to you.” Again, not surprising or concerning.
Dream: Class.com
How this dream began is cloudy now. What I recall is viewing the profile of a classmate on class.com while also talking to him while inside a large room with a stage in the center. It was like I was inside his profile, viewing his information which included details of his life from how many times he was married, the struggles and conflicts he faced, his career and financial situation, etc. It was very detailed! I could see the areas of his life where he allowed others in and the areas that were blocked. This was indicated by boxes one could select or deselect like you would see on a profile page. I was not clicking on anything, though, I was just viewing it all in my mind as he made comments and added clarity and detail.
In the dream I thought of him as a former high school classmate I knew, but I know he was not that person. He just looked similarly – very tall with brown hair. I remember that he had been married three times, only one of those was considered a “good” relationship. He made an excuse about the number of times he had been married – like “I was young and dumb”.
Then he turned the whole thing around on me and began to view my profile. I was a bit embarrassed by this because I felt unprepared. I did not have near the details he did and it was obvious I had not updated it in a long time. My profile appeared as a large, scrapbook with pictures and information. The book was in my lap and I turned the pages as the man sat next to me commenting on it. He was very positive about it all, almost excited. I remember being embarrassed about a few things but he did not judge.
At one point the man took me on a tour of his home but all I recall about it is going outside onto his land. He told me he had inherited a large sum of money, enough to be secure the rest of his life. He bought a nice plot of land. It was beautiful with rolling hills and large oak trees. I remember telling him, “I almost bought property like this in Montana.” He said, “I am going to Montana!” I remember suggesting he rethink his decision. lol
Something I noticed was that his land was surrounded on all sides by apartment complexes (headed in the right direction in life). I commented on how unfortunate that was.
Then we went into a large, fancy restaurant (spiritual nourishment). It was circular (wholeness) shaped with windows (transparency) all around, like one of those rotating restaurants. I sat down with a female friend. Across the way I could see a man staring at us. The other woman, who looked a lot like me, said she knew the man. I believe he was the same man I had been with before only he looked much younger.
Then I was up walking around the perimeter of the restaurant. Inside the walls were small birds (ecstasy, balance, love). They were fascinating to me and I was distracted by them. So, I don’t remember much about this part of the dream.
Suddenly, I found myself outside in a parking lot (need to slow down). It was dark and very quiet. I was a bit disoriented not knowing if I was going out or in. I turned toward the building and walked inside into the lobby. I looked down at myself and saw that I was completely naked. I didn’t care, though, I was proud of my nakedness. The man from the restaurant came up to me, laughing and said something about my nakedness as he took a white tablecloth from a circular table and wrapped it around my naked body, pulling me toward him. I was close enough to see the details of his navy blue suit. He wrapped his arms around me and said, “Come to my bedroom tonight at 9.” I saw in my mind an image of a bedroom and felt his invitation throughout my entire body. I looked up at him and he kissed me passionately. A blissful energy shot through me and I completely surrendered to it. I remember thinking to him, “You know, I’m married….” lol After that I thought, “Of course, he does…”
When I woke the energy was still moving through my physical body. The man from the dream was communicating with me as I woke. I don’t remember much here except not being able to think properly. The bliss tends to freeze up my mind completely. He did say, “You need to slow down. You’re not ready yet.”
There is also this sense similar to how one feels when they are a virgin – completely new to the experience, trusting and curious. In moments of connection like this, I tend to open up completely, without fear – totally naked and vulnerable like my body appeared in the dream. In fact, I think my nakedness in the dream represented my openness to this man. He covered me in an attempt to mitigate the intensity of our connection, but I still felt it.
Two songs came to mind, one after the other, both by INXS (which I find odd). The first song lyrics were:
I’m lonely…….. So slide over here And give me a moment Your moves are so raw I’ve got to let you know You’re one of my kind
The second song lyrics were:
I was standing You were there Two worlds collided And they could never tear us apart
The telepathic message was that we knew each other, were connected somehow, and that he could not wait to meet me. It felt so real, like he was right in the room with me. I can’t describe it anymore than that. There is so much more to these connections than I was aware of. Every time I experience them I am blown away.
Eventually his presence receded but not before my entire body was hit with waves of bliss. As his energy departed my heart chakra stung, as if a blockage was opening. He told me I wasn’t ready yet. I understood this to mean I have some blockages that still need to clear. I also understood that he was helping to heal them.
Dream: Hawaii
I fell back to sleep and had more odd dreams. One began with me laying on a blanket in a back yard. I could see the stars above me and knew I had been sleeping there for a few nights. I thought it odd that I was sleeping outside on the ground like that and thought of some friends who would find that appealing. In that moment I preferred to sleep there.
I got up and noticed the back porch had children’s coats (protection) all over the top of it. I told someone they should take them down before it rained and ruined them all. My daughter climbed up and got her coat.
Then I was at a resort in Hawaii (relaxation/leisure). It was dark outside. I traveled from the third floor to the second where the pool was. I had with me my phone camera but it was the old kind with film inside that you had to wind after each photograph. I could not get a good shot of the morning sky because the sun had not come up yet. One the way back I attempted to look at my pictures but they were all very old photos from other times in my life.
I remember walking over rocks (shaky ground), past a swimming pool (cleansing) and back to the top floor (higher level of consciousness). The stairs (progress) were crossed with roots and vines (emotion holding me back). I thought there was no way an older person could navigate it. When I made it to the top the owner was there. He was quite critical. He said, “You cost me too much!” I just watched as he struggled to navigate the stairs and said, “See! Even you can’t climb them!”
Then I was outside. It was daytime. In my arms I carried several tiny kittens (transition phase in life). They were squirming. I set them down with their litter mates. I saw lots of fluff and fur. Beside them I saw very tiny baby mice (insignificant matters). Fascinated, I commented on how tiny and colorful they were and how odd that the kittens weren’t eating them. I was told, “They are friends.”
Then the man from before walked past me. He said to me, “You cost too much!” He had around him a ball of hair clippings (loss of strength). The snippets of hair was falling off as he walked. I thought it odd.
Living Life in Between 